• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Fun
 September 17, 1864
 September 24, 1864
 October 1, 1864
 October 8, 1864
 October 15, 1864
 October 22, 1864
 October 29, 1864
 November 5, 1864
 November 12, 1864
 November 19, 1864
 November 26, 1864
 December 3, 1864
 December 10, 1864
 December 17, 1864
 December 24, 1864
 December 31, 1864
 January 7, 1865
 January 14, 1865
 January 21, 1865
 January 28, 1865
 February 4, 1865
 February 11, 1865
 February 18, 1865
 February 25, 1865
 March 4, 1865
 March 11, 1865
 Index
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00007
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00007
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Page iii
        Page iv
    Fun
        Page 1
    September 17, 1864
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    September 24, 1864
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    October 1, 1864
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    October 8, 1864
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    October 15, 1864
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    October 22, 1864
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
    October 29, 1864
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
    November 5, 1864
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
    November 12, 1864
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
    November 19, 1864
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
    November 26, 1864
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
    December 3, 1864
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
    December 10, 1864
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
    December 17, 1864
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
    December 24, 1864
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
    December 31, 1864
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
    January 7, 1865
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163, 164
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
    January 14, 1865
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
    January 21, 1865
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
    January 28, 1865
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
    February 4, 1865
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
    February 11, 1865
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    February 18, 1865
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230
    February 25, 1865
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
    March 4, 1865
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
    March 11, 1865
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
    Index
        Page 261
        Page 262
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text










































JAI











AW, OU!,


































































LONDON :

PRINTED AND PUBLISHED (FOR TIlE PROPRIETORS) BY CHARLES WI iTIE,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.











































SHE feast was done. Mountains of ambrosia, oceans of nectar had disappeared before the celestial appetites
of the immortal gods, and, refrshed and sati'Mied, the deities leant back upon their thrones ; for they
were all tired, and had been hungry.
First, JUPITER. AVell, JUPT had been doing nothing nothi0 g in particular, and had found it very hard
work indeed. Not even flirting, for the "Jarge-eyed regal" JUNO looked after him so vigorously, and with
advancing years (even for a goddess she was no chicken) had become so preternaturally sharp, that the amorous
divinity had not had the ghost of a chance to gratify his philandering propensities. Still idlliness is a fatiguing
amusement, and JUPITER was very tired. As for Juxo watching her vagrant lord was no shinecure, and what
with that occupation and attending to her peaco,:ks, who had bhan moulting, her hands hladl booen tolerably I'ull. Nor
had the offspring of JOVE'S Own brain, AMIxERVA, Wisdom's goddess, be ii wasting her timu. To her sh'irm fell tint
direction of kings and statesmen; and when our readers renteit)hr of what stull' those illustrious personages are made,
they will at once perceive that PALLAs ATI ENE had earned her dinner. MI.ns had come express from America, whore
for the last four years he had been the presiding genius of tlhe nation; not but what, Ml mi'itOr, (old of rogues, had
found there a large number of worshippers among the shoddy contractors and those whIlo Iha "struck ile," though of late
that deity had been excessively put out and annoyed by the capture of the jewellery robbers, whom lie had taken iund(r his
especial protection. NEPTUNE to fatigue and hunger had, previous to the baniutet, sup)iradded !tlk ; for his powers had
been curtailed, thanks to ADMIRAL FITmovY and his storm-drums, and no longer coult lie wreak his wrath on unof-
fending mariners ; at least not to the same extent as heretofore. But after dinner his weather-beaten figure-head had
ever and anon softened into a smile, and he sal, discussing armour-pl atd, vessels with VJLrO.ax, who, grimly and black, was
completely worn out by his efforts to invent a new gun, and by his ill success in that, employment. Even the light-hearted
APOLLO was tired, for he had just come up from earth, where lie haid been doing his best to arrange \I it. (.4i1's company for the
approaching season ; and if that was not enough to warrant fatigue we should like to know what was. iB.At(nus lolled fast
asleep in his seat, having taken (wo blush to relate such a thing of a God) more nectar than was good for him; but some
excuse may be found when we mention that he had been down at the docks all day tasting some of MRn. (G'LAnTONE'S
claret, and no doubt his present excess had been for tihe purpose of taking the taste out of his mouth. Last, but not







PREFACE.
iv


least in the celestial list, came VENUS and CUPID. Never-ending, still beginning is their work; for when is it that,
slightly to alter the words of Du. WATTS, Mortals find no mischief still for LOVE'S own hands to do ? As he carelessly
leant on an arm of his mother's throne, the wicked boy would even now have sent a shaft into the breast of the too
susceptible JUPITER, but for the threatening looks of JUNo, who only the day before had severely taken VENUs to
task for not restraining her son, and had promised to "trim his youthful jacket" (which must have been a hyperbole, for
with clothes CUPin seldom troubled himself) if she caught him at his tricks with her husband."
At length JUPITER broke silence, and producing a worked cigar-case, on which JUNo cast a most suspicious glance,
said interrogatively,
"The ladies won't mind our smoking ? "
No one objected. MIxNERVA, indeed, said the smell made her cough, but she was overruled by the other goddesses,
and in less than a minute every god, except VULCAN, who preferred a long clay, lighted up cigars and smoked in silence.
But not for long. Slowly and majestically uprose JUPITER from his golden throne, and addressed his fellow-deities
in the following words :--
Gods of Olympus, from time immemorial it has been our annual custom to present the mortals down below with
a gift-a gift which shall both benefit and improve them, which shall shed joy into both the palace of the prince and the
cottage of the peasant. Say, what form shall our benevolence take this year ? "
Give them a little common sense," said MINERV.A, sharply; "I'm sure they want it badly enough."
Oh, nonsense what would become of me ? said MAns. My occupation would be entirely gone if they had
that. No ; a new destructive agent is what they want."
Yes, and let me make it. I'm the chap to take the shine out of their ARMSTRONGS, WHITWORTHS, and
BLAKENEYS," said VULCAN.
A new fashion to supersede crinoline, and a new PANDonRA to introduce it. Oh, what fun that would be "
suggested VENUS, giggling.
"I wonder at your frivolity, VENus," said JuNo, in a dignified tone, and then relapsed into silence, for she was
never good at originating anything.
Send me down as a new sensation. A little wholesome love would be a vast improvement in these days of
maritiges de convenanee," put in CUPID.
"Little boys should be seen and not heard," said JUNo, severely.
But I'm usually felt before I'm seen ; eh, JovE ? was the pert rejoinder.
"You young rascal," said the Thunderer, kindly, I'll give it you in a minute."
And so they went on ; each suggesting, but none agreeing; till from the outer hall, where feasted the Di Minores,
crept in a motley-garbed figure, bearing in his hand a volume. 'Twas Monus, God of mirth and laughter ; and bowing
reverently to the assembled deities, lie approached the throne of JUPITER, and laid the tome before him.
The King of Gods and Men opened the book, and his celestial eyes beamed brightly as he rapidly read over the
words of wit and wisdom enshrined within its leaves. Then rising from his throne, in a voice which shook the heavens
and the earth, and caused even the remotest stars to turn a somersault, he said:
"I have it. Tins shall be our gift to the mortals. Tins alone can confer upon them those benefits with which
we would endow them. See here.! and he held up to view the title-page of the book.
From the assembled gods and goddesses there rose a shout of acquiescence ; and the Thunderer, raising the volume
in his mighty right land, hurled into rather

tIj c Slicnfg l doitnn.c nSf ofxtn.
Swifter than bolt from Balearic sling, swifter than shot from 600-pounder, nay, swifter almost than his own
lightning, sped forth the gift of JovE. The great bear wagged his tail, the little bear winked his eye, the Pleiades
ceased looking for their long-lost sister, and the signs of the zodiac, one and all cheered the celestial present as it passed.
As the volume neared the earth, MESSRS. COXWELL and G(LAISHER, who had made a scientific ascent from the Crystal
Palace, took it for a new comet, and wrote an account of it to the Times on their return to terra firma. At last it
reached its destination, 80, Fleet Street, and the news of its arrival was quickly bruited about to the farthest ends of
the earth, for the bright beams of humour it contained diftused light and happiness wheresoever it entered.














































NOTHING TO USE.
BY OUR UNFORTUNATE CONTRIBUTOR WHO HAS RECENTLY
MARRIED A MODEL HOUSEWIFE.
SOME few years ago 'twas the cry of the fair,
"Oh, pa, give me a cheque, for I've nothing to wear;
I'm not fit to be seen should the WILKINSONS call,
And I really can't go to the FERGUSON'S ball."
And though Miss GEORGINA had dresses a score,
And the saucy Miss FANNY had two or three more,
Yet at race or regatta ball, through the still air
Rang the sad lamentation of "Nothing to wear."
When the new curate preached there was still the same cry
(Like the wail of a parting soul, nigh and more nigh);
"Oh, pa," cry the darlings, "how people will stare,
When they see that your daughters have nothing to wear."
Though now the cry's altered, that sorrowful wail
Comes not from the fair sex-ennusye and pale;
And the heart-trancing damsels with light crint hair,
Cease the sad lamentation, "We've nothing to wear."
But a cry rises louder than erst that sad wail
Came from damsel bewitching, ennuyee and pale;
For the Benedict mourning the light-fitting noose,
Sighs, sadly exclaiming, "I've nothing to use."
And while his wife's absent at market or shop,
Ie moist'neth his clay with the blood of the hop;
What wonder he suffered from fits of the "blues,"
E'en the smoke forms .the legend "I've nothing to use."
And while from his meerschaum the wreathing blue smoke,
Remindeth the Benedict of his sad yoke,
As on his toes balance his down-at-heel shoes,
The chorus he chanteth of "Nothing to use."
Oh when in my chambers I lived all alone,
My pictures and tables and books were my own;
Though some chairs had but three legs, I set no great store
On that grand piece of furniture owning all four.
Though my books were ill-bound, and the covers well worn,
And a leaf or tno by some mischance might be torn,


Yet there-to my shame, as my wife often said-
I imagined that authors wrote books to be read.
And fondly I fancied my old easy-chair
Was made for my limbs to rest cosily there;
That after enjoying the Stilton so ripe,
I might solace my troubles and griefs with a pipe.
"But I foolishly dreamt that my chambers were lone,
And I sighed for some damsel to love as my own;'
And now I remember in sorrow and pain,
My own actions fastened the soul-galling chain.
"Now my chairs and my tables are all meant for show-
If I sit on the one it's FRANK, pray don't do so!
To all sense of propriety, sir, you are lost,
Just think what that dinin'g-room walnut quite cost '
And if on the table I dare place a plate,
At once my wife waxeth most fiercely irate;
Quoth she, 'Darling FRANK, you must know what pa gave,
That beautiful table from auctions to save.'
And if from the book-case I venture to reach
A volume, NELL utt'reth a wild eldritch screech,
And exclaims, as she swooningly sinks on the ground,
'FRANK, you know 'tisn't long since those books were rebound.'
And if in the parlour I light a cigar,
She cries, Bless me, FRANK, why how careless you are !
I suppose you think furnishing only a joke*-
You'll spoil those new curtains with your horrid smoke.'
Oh! why in the prime of my bachelor life
Was I tempted to wed with a model housewife ?
To leave my old den where I courted the muse ?
There I'd nothing for show, and each thing I might use.
"A word of advice to my friends ere I close
The sad picture I've sketched of my Benedict woes:
'DON'T MABRY A MODEL HOUSEWIFE;' should you choose
Such a partner you'll echo, I've nothing to use.'"

My wife's papa was good enough to defray the cost of furnishing, and she neve
tires of bringing that fact to my remembrance.


VOI TII. B


F









FUN.


[SEPTEMBER 17, 1864.


THE CHURCH MILITANT.
IT is an old saying, and doubtless a true one, that "misery makes
us acquainted with strange bedfellows and we might add, as a sequel,
that a careful perusal of the daily papers gives us a strange insight
into the qualifications necessary for certain callings and businesses.
Few persons would imagine it requisite that a baker should be the
author of an elaborate treatise on the "Quadrature of the Circle," in
order that his rolls and fancy bread should be appreciated; or that a
publican should publish a three-volume novel ere he practices the
mysteries of fining down" and "racking off;" still less would the
public deem it necessary for a city missionary to be an adept in the
"feints and guards" of the prize ring. Yet that a skilled semi-
clerical gentleman does exist, and is at present discharging the duties
of his office in the metropolis, we have the authority of the Daily
News for stating:-
A case which came before MR, BDRCHAM, at the Southwsrk Poltee Court, oa
Saturday, diclosaes ,orne unexpected qualieications in a city missionary. A Mr.
l;owis .Bu lnnlle'.ld theil .crtetary ol a benefit society lor refuisi:.g to pay him six
welecs' sick allowance, anid the defeneC set up was that the complainant had made
himself ill thiro iim igtlng. lie denied thit bysaying' that the- light was not of
Iis sCicLumg-t*, had bhvn wtaecknled I '' *. .1 ii ; .'w.. .'. oewe
dor-step, and the tlechr of C'Aria, r / *0 ." 'I' y a .. ..' bad
namrs, fought three rounds with him, and knock 4d h is eye out. The magistrate
came to the nmecluslon thatthe uissionary began the light, and ordered the, secre-
tary to pay three pounds to the complainant."
If this sort of thing is to continue, we imagine MR. NwxMAN`'s
superiors have made a great mistake with regard to the class of men
whom they employ as city missionaries. Meek, kind, self-denying
men are evidently out of place in such a profession. Then asks
Rustiest, where are his superiors to look for men suitable for the
task ? A word in your ear, my tried: a host of noted pugilists are
at present fulfilling "starring" engagements with equestrian troupes,
and, doubtless, for a consideration, they would undertake the task of
converting the lower orders of London; bargaining to bring at least
two penitents monthly to meeting, clean shaved and with contrite
hearts, using the same gentle persuasion as did the grace-walking
brother in the case of COLoNEL QUAGG, with whose conversion,
thanks to MBI. SALA, we arc all ftrailiar.
But a serious word to MR. Newatai N and his superiors. Jesters
though we be, we r remember to have read in an old volume which we
often "peruse-but underneath the rose"-a charge once given to
town and city miissionaries:-"Resist not evil; but whosoever shall
smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."

Bee it Known.
IN consequence of the ignorance displayed by DR. CUMMING with
refer0ntce to bees, and his general verdnuro as regards the subject, it
has been agreed by the Sociely of Apiirians to designate him in future
as the "Ilivoy Green," by kind Ipermission of CHARLES DICKENS,
ESQ., who lihas consented to aut as a mutlial friend on the occasion.

Tele-grafinns.
TnHE Telegraph Departihenu in India is to have its efficiency
increased to a fair extent, by I lie introduction of nine hundred clerks
belonging to the fair sex. We need hardly say that the tender of
such services was most appropriate, for the young ladies are naturally
well acquainted with the working of the needles.

A BAD BRAND.
Wr1 observe hliat orders have been issued from head-quarters to the
efibct that in future soldiers "are to be branded by the drum-major,
and not the re,tiiental surgeon as heretofore." Surely if such n, \rr-
barons practice nere necessary, it should bo performed' by the skilled
rgeon, not Iby the possibly bungling nofn-eofn-nissioned officer.
Wby, therefore, lis lthe change been made ? Because the surgeons
demurred against a duty so cruelly unnecessary, and so unnecessarily
cruel. We would suggest, d propos of this so-called "reform," which
is but "indilterent well," that the authorities should reform it
altogether. To brand thick hopelessly almndiioed is needless sava-agery;
to brand the occasionally errirng but generally well-bchaved soldier is
nothing more or less than a burning shame !"

De-seat-ful Man !
OUR esteemed friend AIR. WInALLEY, the liberal-mined and un-
bigoted U.P. for Peterborough, Las invited all his constituents who
choose to visit him to his country house in Wales. This is very
n ice of him, but in the la,'e of a: coming general election it has rather
thet aplerance of inviting voters to one scat in order to make sure of
another.


YORK, YOU'RE WANTED.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
M1Y DEAR SIR,-Knowing your almost rabid repugrance to tyranny
in any form (whether home, foreign, or colonial, domestic, legal, OR
magisterial), I cannot avoid calling your attention to the following
neat thing in magisterials," although I fear it will cause your gentle
bosom to heave with sorrow and disgust:-
Extract from the Times of July 19th.
"IsAAC WATSON, servant with Mrs. HARRISON, Driffield Wold (Yorks), was
summoned before the lriv. G. T. CLARE, the REV. R. H. Foon I, and MR. J.
GxntsaTo, and charged by GEOoaE LYON-MRS. HAREISON'S manager-with re-
fusing to attend church on Sauday, being requested by his mistress to do so. The
defendant was ordered to attend some place of worship and to pay expenses."
Of course, every description of' "place of worship" must have been
in their immediate proximity of MRs. HARRISON's residence, as so
strict a Sabbatarian would not wish to inflict "an alien service" on
her servants. However, my views are contained in the following
lyric:-
THE CHURCH AND STATE (of serfdom).
WHAT need to go to Pompeii
For relics of the. past,
Or on the times of feudal chimes
Reproachful words to cast,
When British Beaks (that's rev'rend ones.)
Make servants serfdom feel,
And act like Vandals, Goths, or- ITuns
In Sabbatarian zeal P
One IsAAc WATSON had been told,
Nay, ordered to attend
Some "place of worship," but made bold"
His mistress to offend,
By "cutting chapel" (this same phrase
Means any kind of place
Where people go on Sabbath days),
And thereby earned disgrace !
Arraigned before some "sable Beaks,"
And ordered to obey,
To check all anti-cleric freaks,
The costs he's doomed to pagy.
These worthy Beaks aver the crime
Was in the simple fact,
That he, a serf for stated time,"
The hypocrite must act,
And go to church, or stay in-doors.
Surely we may as well
Revert to feudal state-mid boors,
And serfs, and curfew bell!
Dear FuN I'm sure the public will,
In scornful grief and hate,
Vow that such acts should be made "nil,"
Or dowse their glims" AT EIGHT.


A Groundless Report.
A coNTEIroRARY, who no doubt obtains the information from the
Horticultural Society (and very ungracious it is of them to give it),
states that the hundred and fifty thousand people who visited the
Gardens on the birthday of the late PRINCE CONsoRT "left their
mark behind them ; and, in fact, it vill be many months ere the damage
done will be effaced." This is too absurd There really is nothing in
the Gardens that. could be hurt, tnd they possess no beauty that could
be impaired. We defy w ice one hundred and fifty thousand people to
m ake them look worse than they do naturally and normally.

Get along Wid'ee!
T'rE are deeply pained to observe the following paragraph extr acted
from the Moravian journals:-
The Govel nncit of Malo avia ias decided that widows who pay taxes have a
right to vote in innieipal clctitns."
This is a most distressing development of the rights of woman, and
one which we trust will not extendd to Great Britain. If this addi-
tional motive for de-irin to 1 become widows were to be allowed to
tempt the sex the result would be awful!

ANSWER TO A CORRESPONDENT.
WE wish NATHAN NooDLE to understand, once for all, that "Finis
lPolo0ai does not incan Fine German Sausages."









SEPTEMBER 17, 1864.]


FUN.


STHIE POLITICO-ENTOMOLOGICAL SOCIETY.
A MEETING of the Politico-Entomological Society was held last
week, when PEoEMssoR FUN took the chair. The learned chairman
was supported by a number of his contributors, including-but why
publish to the world the names of those illustrious beings who weekly
illuminate this terrestrial orb with their coruscations of wit and
wisdom ? The chief event of the evening was an interesting discourse
delivered by the chairman on the parasiticus bureaueraticus, or office
parasite, so abundantly found in the neighbourhood of Whitehall, and,
in fact, of all the Government institutions.
The learned chairman commenced his remarks by stating that the
race of parasites was by no-means peculiar to Whitehall, or even to
England generally, but was also common to all European countries
where the dibbi publioi, or public dibs, were to be found. He, however,
only proposed to mention the chief English varieties of the genus.
The three most prominent species to be met with here are the
Russellus imbecillis, or imbecile RUSSELL; the Elliotus universalis, or
universal ELLIOT; and the Greyus tenax, or tenacious GaEy. These
three species permeate in a greater or less degree all our public offices,
but are principally found in the more lucrative places. Scarcely a
foreign embassy exists where one or other of these parasitical
insects may not be discovered, consuming a large share of the
dibbi public, and excluding by their presence more useful insects.
The only method by which naturalists have been able to account
for the great abundance of these animalcule is the fact that for
a number of years these species have infested the localities in
question, and that up to the present time all efforts to dislodge
them have proved unavailing. Although the larger varieties of
this species are discovered in the more lucrative Government places,
yet smaller kinds are to be found in all localities where dibbi
public are procurable. One peculiarity which applies to the whole
genus may here be noted-that when once an individual of this genus
has, to use a botanical expression, taken root in an office, it is utterly
impossible to get rid of the creal are, except only by death, or trans-
ferring it to a more extensive sphere of action, where their extraordi-
nary capabilities for the absorption of the dibbi public can be more
developed. No one has as yet been able to find out the exact use for
which these parasites are fitted, further than the consumption of the
before-mentioned dibbi public. The chief occupation of the largest
specimen of the Russellus imbecillis at present in possession of the
nation has of late been to threaten to sting other insects of predatory
habits domesticated in foreign countries, more especially the Aphi.r
Teutonicus, or German blow-fly; but on the Aphis showing fight, the
.Russellus invariably draws in his sting and retires to its nest, and is
seen no more. This has, of course, brought the whole of the species
into contempt, and is an example to us all how foolish it is first to
threaten, and at the same time to be too cowardly to carry our threats
into execution.
In conclusion the illustrious chairman hoped that a time would
come when all these noxious insects would be exterminated from our
public offices, but he was much afraid that it would be a long time first.
The meeting then broke up, thanks having been voted to PRo-
PESSOR FUN for his very instructive discourse.

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUr OWN MoUCHARD.
SmIaT.-Under which hat is the future ruler over Schleswig and
Holstein ?
BRowN.-That depends on the magnanimity of Prussia; but as
that is an article which the Teutonic mind happens to be out of, the
probability is, that Prussia will keep them herself.
SMITH.-But what will Austria and the Diet say to that ?
BnowN.-Austria will consent, provided her possessions in the
South of Europe are guaranteed. As for the Diet, it don't matter
much what it says; besides, think of the advantages of Kiel.
SmaTH.-Of course the first step becoming a naval power is
naturally, to acquire a Kiel for their ships. ,
2BRowN.-So CHAMBERS is still the champion of the Tyne ?
SMITH.-Yes. The best man won in that instance, at any rate.
BuowN.-What rate do you mean ?
SMITH.-Why the water-rate, to be sure.
BROWN.-What do you think of the O'DONOGHUE'S manifesto,
and his laudation of French liberty, a la PERSIGNY ?
SMITH.-Why, that it is a very lucky thing for him that he lives
under the English Government; for were a Frenchman to publish a
similar document with equally treasonable contents, in all probability
he'd ere this have made a scientific discovery.
BROWN.-A discovery !-what ? ,
SMITH.-Where pepper grows.
BBowN.-Ah! I see; the Cayenne sort in particular.


TOWN TALK.
BT THE LUNCHER AT THR PUBS.
IF I were like some of my friends in the same line of business, I
should tell-an anoodoto-and stick to it," declaring that I amn out
of town, down at Roastings, or Boastings, or some other maritime
spot, although there are people in London who oem swear ttev have
seen me in the Strand long after the date of my pretended Hegira.
How can I leave town ? Does not everybody know that some member
of the Ministry is obliged to be in London during the dull season,"
in order to transact the necessary official business ? Of course PAM is
a little nervous in delegating his powers to people like CARDWELL,
but I haven't even the chance of that. After the Luncher the deluge !
Well, then, here I am at my post, and I observe with regret that
the Wo;kmen's SaAKESPERiE Memorial, of which I spoke with hesi-
tating hope a while since, is coming to grief like the other SrAKi -
SPsaIAN movements. It appears as if the curse which SIiAIcItSPARu
called down on those who touched his bones extends to thoso who
try to disturb his memory. At one time the Workmon's MNemorial
did appear to have some chance of struggling into life, but now it seems
the wet-nurses, who always contrive to overlay these schemes, have
got hold of it, and the poor thing is never likely to reach maturity.
Fancy any scheme calling itself a StiAKisr-EAitK Pe',y Memorial "
going about to ask for the "silver and gold" of poodle who are sup-
posed to have "the will and the moans to lend more subtaiutial aid."
Why can't the wet-nurses leave the working mnan alone ? And why
doesn't the working man learn to walk alone and refoso tie 11iques-
tionable aid of swaddling clothes ? Left to himself, lie can do things
that stamp him a man who keeps up with the progress of' the world.
Dandled by the officious wet.nursos I refer to, he sooees a piny
bantling, babbling to be lot plant a trooee on Priinrose-hill, and a shrinel
of glass and iron (cost 1,200) somewhere else, and to be generally
assisted by gold and silver towards those results. As my notion of
the working man is something a great deal higher than this haby
nonsense, I hope that this little folly will be overlooked, and that it
will not weaken his undeniable right to those privileges of ain English-
man, from which he has been too long debarred-thanks, perhaps, to
wet-nurses.
I sEm that some one of the class of publishers, who are down like
vultures on the death-beds of notabilities, has been reaping theo usual
harvest in two little pamphlets-one about loso,mN, the other con-
taining the merest fragment left by NATI ANIEL Il1iWTlIoiRNIN. Tlhe
former is by Mi SALA, and contains nothing to earn its roprialling from
an American magazine -certainly nothing to cominterbltlnoe an in-
stance of the writer's utter want, of decent taste, quite oi1 a lpr with (and
somewhat Apropos of) that modest reforonce of his to poor II ioun it,
in which a merely superficially clever person talked about "hanging
back" to let a man of genius win the rane. As regards the second
brochure, all I have to say is that the whole turning-oit of the trifle
is in keeping with the discernment and intelligence of an editor, who
describes the relic on the title-page as The last literary elort of
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE." Poor HIAWTHORNE Did he die of the
superhuman exertion ?
THERE is something very ominous in the tone in which the press,
with very few exceptions, are criticising the Premier's holiday speeches.
The time has come when even the jaunty nobleman has to hear the
unwelcome news that he is getting a little too old for the place, and
that he had better take LADY P.'s peerage and retire contented.
"What next-and next ?" as a famous politician once inquired about
other matters. I don't very often prophesy, and now that 1 attempt it,
I feel, like CASSANDRA, that no one will heed ino, but it is my "tip"
that after PAM comes GLADSTONE for a very brief, yet brilliant, career ;
then a long dark reach of Tory incompetence, and then a glad return
to the only true statesman of the day, who will mat then represent
Oxford. When that time comes I shall be prepared to receive from
my readers that silver tea-service which I predict they will feel is io
more than due to my powers as a prophet.
THE Channel Islands have been trying to do a little rioting, in
humble imitation of Belfast. But, as ME. KINGSLEY observed about
a guide to these particular islands by a MR. JAMES BEITRAND !PAYNE
in the Reader a little while since, the attempt was too flippant and
foolish." We really appear to be retrograding instead of improving,
for it seems to be considered quite the correct thing to break a few
heads for the glory of our religion. This may be all very well for
believers in the Dahomey-cidal creed, but it looks odd in professors of
a belief in a Gospel of Peace.

A Domestic Conundrum.
DEAR FUN,-What's the difference between sixty minutes and one
of my sisters ? Give it up, do you ? Why, one's an hour, and the
other's our Anns I" Yours truly,. BROTHER JOE.









FUN.


[SEPTEMBER 17, 1864.


I % I iT I 1 1 I I,_


SNUB FOR SNOB.
Sunday Night-Eleven o'clock.
Boy :-" 'AVE 'EM DONE, SIR? BETTER 'AVE 'EM DONE, SIR-THEY'RE WERRY DIRTY, SIR !"
Snob (who thinks he looks like a swell) :-" No, NOT AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT."
.Boy :-" BETTER 'AVE 'rM DONE NOW, SIR! YOU WON'T BE HINDER'D A-DOIN' OF 'EM AFORE YOU GOES TO WORK IN THE
MOBNIN', SIR! "
Snob:-" BE OFF, WILL TER ?"
Boy- :-" Do 'EM FOR A HA'PENNY THERE Y'-ARE NOW !" [Snob crosses over.


A LAY FROM BOHEMIA.
(AFTER E. A. PoE's Raven-A LONG WAY.)
Capias ad satisfacienduin."-HEUREW M3ELODY.
LATELY sitting in my chambers, whereto scarce one friend now
clambers,
In the dreary Long Vacation, e'er to drum upon my door,
While I thought of seaside places, pretty girls with fairy faces,
Partridge-shooting, picnics, races, where I used to go of yore-
Seaside places, pretty faces that I used to like of yore-
Seemed my life an awful bore.
Ah! distinctly I recall now useful friends-I've lost them all now-
I've gone greatly to the wall now, since they went; it is a bore,
For I find myself grown thinner, missing many a cosy dinner,
Which SIR DIVEs BULLION-SKINNER used to stand in days of yore,
At the Star and Garter, Richmond-oh! those unctuous feeds of
yore I It's a bloater now-no more!
Over there, behind his curtain, lounges-ah! 'tis he, I'm certain-
Young FITZSNOBLEY; half ashamed Isee him still in town. Before,
When I met him last at Florence, he was then my pet abhorrence;
Now I'd greet him like a brother, on this lonely old third floor.
Ha! a friend's at last arrived here, on this dirty old third floor.
Through the keyhole let's explore.
Is't a friend ?-the face I know not-seedy garments-looks that show
not
Much refinement. Well, I'll go not-let him rap upon my door.


Is't a dun that there is rapping-gently first, now louder tapping ?
Does the fellow think I'm napping ? Shall I open wide the door ?
Shall I let him bark his knuckles ? I don't paint the outer door.
It's a dun, and nothing more.
Back on tiptoe slily creeping to my chamber, thought I, keeping
Quiet is the best thing. Deep in FUN, I'll glance its columns o'er;
They, perchance, my cares beguiling, soon will set poor me a-smiling.
Go away he'll little while in-knock! knock! louder than before;
Surely that can't be the fellow that was knocking there before ?
It's the postman-nothing more.
Somewhat dingy is my landing-scarce you'd see who there was
standing;
Dun or post with note his hand in-so at last I ope'd the door.
But the stillness was unbroken, and the stranger gave no token,
Save one stern word, sternly spoken, that I thought I'd heard
before;
In his fist a slip of paper of a kind I'd seen before-
Merely this, and nothing more.
"Sir," said I, "I've not the pleasure--" "Sir," said he, "I've
lots o' leisure."
"Have you come to-take my measure ?" said I, louder than before.
"BROWNLOW BRIEFLESS, sir, my name is; tell me what yoew little
game is ?"
V, my business with that same is-you've a judgment cre-di-tor;
A ca sa he's got agen you, has this judgment creditor-
That's my game, and nothing more !"


I





F U N.-SRPTEMBBR 17, 1864.


" /

/ l


>1i


JiL2ZZZ~


ITCHING JOHNNY.


Nap. ;-" NOW, YOUNG MUDDLER, WHAT ARE YOU HANGING ABOUT HERE FOR "
Russell:-" THEY WON'T GET ON WITHOUT US. THINK THEY WILL 7 "


SI ;I


41


N


~









SEPTEMBER 17, 1864.]


FUN.


Then out spoke I-" Mister bailiff, have a. glass of bitter ale, if
That's your tipple; also tell me, to relieve my bosom's core,
Desolate, yet hardly daunted (oh! if know this my rich aunt did!),
In this home by dun long haunted, tell me, tell me, I implore,
Must I really go to SLOMAN'S ?-tell me, bailiff, I implore!"
Quoth the bailiff, Square this score !"
Riled at stillness rudely broken by reply-so aptly spoken
Nothing said I, as the bailiff grimly grumbled out once more,
"It is time we hooked, master-talk won't square the debt no faster;
Just get out o' this disaster-borrow tin, and square this score.";
"Ha! hurrah! I hear a rapping-JoNEs's voice-he'll square the
score ;
Sure to have the needful ore !"
In came JONES; my grief expressing-" JoN S," says I, "it's quite a
blessing
Business brought you up from Ramsgato's chalky cliffs and sandy
shore."
Joxxs's smile was sweet as honey: What is up ?" "Not much; the
money-
Ninety pounds; and till I've paid it, he will never quit this door
Without taking me to SLoMAN's." JONES gives cheque. Now,
leave the door."
Quoth the bailiff, "Never more !"
"Better you, sir, go and fetch it; if Iwent, perhaps I'd ketch it.
I can't lose my man, you see, sir." Well," says JONES, "this is
a bore;
So I'll take a cab to COUTTS'S, and come back; then if it suits his
Bailiffship, perhaps he'll hook it-walk his chalks from off your
floor."
"Yen I gets it, I vill hook it," quoth the bailiff, "from this floor;
Only then-and not before !"
Well, JONES paid him. "Man of evil," quoth I now, "go to the
devil"-
Deuce, I mean; "thou'st got thy money-I have squared thy little
score.
Leave that writ, as paper token of the peace that thou hast broken.
JoiES, old friend, you've nobly freed me from the street called
Cur-si-tor ;
On next quarter-day I'll pay you-and in debt get never more."
"So you've said, my boy, before."
Well, I paid JONEs. To my chamber never now doth one dun
clamber;
And my "oak's" no longer "sported," as it used to be of yore.
Never now ask I for credit-never since last time I said it-
Never since that writ I read it-since that Hebrew left my door.
Never more shall come a bailiff rapping at my chamber door-
Never, never, never more I


THE DAUNTLESS TENNESSEE.
THROUGH the waters striding,
Came the sea-horse riding,
At the Northern fleet;
On she came disdaining,
Twenty foemen raining
Tons of iron sleet.
All the fire daring,
Down the channel bearing
With a haughty crest;
Closer in advancing,
Bolts in thousands glancing]
From her mailed breast.
Struck upon the larboard,
Struck upon the starboard,
Still she makes no sign;
One great bosom taking
All the fiercest raking
Of the battle line.
Down at last-her tiller
Jammed by shot-this pillar
Fell-yet had made known
That she could for one grand hour-
'Gainst the Northern naval power-
Hold her own.


KING DEATH'S JUNIOR CAPTAIN.
KINO DikATn did hold a grand durbar
Of captains grim and large;
The order went that every one
Report his special charge.
The Council Chamber was a long,
Low-vaulted, hollow room,
Fashioned in gaunt perspective-
The semblance of a tomb.
A thousand skeletons were ranged
Along the gloomy wall;
On lifted arms they reared the dank
Roof of the spectre hall.
Struck by the light of phosphor
Ascending from decay,
The grisly iniisters loomed out
In cold, unearthly grey.


FAMINE, with eyes cavernous,
Who trusteth not the sword,
But gnaweth slowly at the weak
Strands of the silver cord.
Then PESTILENCR-nourished to strength
By him that went before-
In mist of hot, rank vapour,
Strode up the grimy floor.
A grating sound, that went for praise,
Came from the charnel throat
Of him who read-and the Senators
Took up the raven note.
And hoarser the hell paman
Along the arches ran,
As CIVIL WAR, drunken with blood,
Moved to the dark divan.
Like a grim Suicide, his throat
Was daubed with crimson stain,
As he vaunted, with a maudlin laugh,
His Hecatomb of Slain.
Then clattered the white monarch's jaws-
Clattered his bony hands:
"Hail! Carrion Brother thou hast wrought
My pleasure through the lands!"
Now VICE, the foul and bloated,
Comes sweltering through the cave;
A very fiend, whose darts of fire
Carry beyond the grave.
Hanging upon his loathsome skirts,
See uIIURDER slouch behind;
He, and tilhe rest, came up to have
Their records countersigned.
Then spake KING ]EATII-" That all have done
Well, 'tis my pride to say;
But there is yet another
Who serves me night and day."
A sleek and cruel figure
Stole from the sobbing aisle-
TRADE COMPETITION, bowing low,
Spreads hands, and specious smile.
"Ten thousand women, hollow-checked,
Ten thousand children pale,
Striving with me, are swept away,
Like straws upon the gale.
"' BUY CIHAIr !! Buy CHEAP !! fat city folk I'-
My voice I still uplift;
Cheapening and cheap, I grind the poor
Down with my frightful thrift.
" For toiling at a garment,
To wrap the rich man's loins,
I toss my starving victims
Two wretched copper coins."
Then all did clank their partisan.-
Upon the skull-paved floor,
To honour him who huv 'c E
To grind and kill the poor.


I









8 FT


OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT OUT FOR A HOLIDAY
I \ Y DEAR FUN,-I now proceed to sneer a
the Castle of Chillon.
Chillon is situated on a rock near th
eastern extremity of Lake Leman, and i
so called because a charge of a Chillon
head (or rather a franc) is made for ad
mittance. In the eyes of the sentiment
alist it possesses a certain interest because
the late LORD BYRON made it the scene
of a short poem called the "Prisoner o
Chillon." As the convict who is supposed
to recite the poem never had any existence
except in the lively imagination of the gifted author, the interest in th4
castle itself is, as far as LORD BYRON is concerned, a purely fictitious
one, and totally insufficient of itself to induce visitors to pay francs in
order to see it. However, where the extraction of coin from th(
pocket of a bleeding iBritish tourist is the problem to be solved
the simple Swiss is generally equal to the emergency. So he raked
out the archives of the castle, and discovered that an enormous while
ago-that is to say, in fifteen hundred and something-a turbulent
Chartist priest called BONNIVARD worked out a sentence of six years
penal servitude, which, by all genuine accounts, he seems richly tc
have deserved. This fact was quite enough for the simple Swiss, who
ingeniously fitted it to the poem-a fraud in which, your correspon.
dent regrets to say, he was countenanced by the gifted author already
alluded to. The vault is shown in which the convict BONNIVARD
worked out his sentence, as also is the staple to which his chain was
attached, the stone on which he sat, and a hole in the stone floor,
some five or six inches deep, which you are required to believe was
caused by the shuffling of the convict's feet. Your correspondent
took the trouble to sit upon the stone (which was extremely rough
and uncongenial), and to place his feet in the hole worked by the
reverend gentleman, and he found that if the culprit had really
scrubbed the hole, as your correspondent was asked to believe, he
must have sat for six years in the uncomfortable attitude represented
.in the initial letter to this chapter. Without entering into the rule.
of-three question, "If one prisoner of Chillon works with his feet a
hole six inches deep out of solid rock in six years, how many pairs of
shoes-kindly supplied by the prison authorities-must he have worn
out in the course of his operations ?" your correspondent will proceed
to remark that the staple to which the reverend convict was fastened
during the whole of his imprisonment, far from presenting any
evidence of attrition, is, to all appearance, bran new, and will probably
be found, upon inspection, to bear a Birmingham trade mark. The
Swiss rogues have further had the insolence to forge the names of
BYRON and of DICKENS on one of the pillars of the dungeon-as if
LOanD BYRON would have been cad enough to cut his name on any
public wall, or CHARLES DICKENS snob enough to have imitated him.
According to BYRON each pillar had a brother fastened to it. This
statement is credible enough as far as regards the central columns,
but at each end of the dungeon is half a pillar-that is to say, a pillar
split down the middle. Your correspondent trembled to think of the
probable bisection of the wretched relation whose fate it was to be
attached to the pillar so divided. Perhaps, however (and there is con-
solation in the thought), the family possessed two half-brothers, in
which casehethe arrangement would have been quite feasible. There
are at present eight prisoners of Chillon, who are to be seen every day
digging outside the castle. Your correspondent has not learnt that
any poems have been composed on these unfortunate men, nor do
they appear to excite the the slightest interest in the bosoms of the
pilgrims to BONNIVARD'S shrine. However, three hundred years hence
they may be immortal.
From Chillon to Lau-
sanne is about twenty
miles, so it takes about
two hours and and quarter
by rail. This ingenious
people have discovered
a means of laying half
a railway at a time,
leaving the balance to (
be finished when the I
wealthy Briton shall have TRAINS OR DIN ,\| IRES
sufficiently bled. At
present all the wolk is done on single pair of rails, so that when two
trains meet the dr have to toss up which of them shall go back to
the last station and i nted on to a siding, in order to let the other
pass. Between Chih,,u md L-ausanne is Vevey, where the shocking
bad attenuated cigars come irom. They are so cheap at Vevey that


J SEPTEMBER 17, 1864

it is customary among the very humblest, to offer one to a friend on
shaking hands with him. The usual mode of salutation is "Tip us
t your Teveyfin, old boy." ,






f

e TRAINS A GRANDE VI.TESSE
s Your correspondent on arriving at Lausanne was surprised to. find
L the station crowded with sloppy soldiers, and he learnt on inquiry that
Geneva was in the hands of a lawless mob, and that the sloppy soldiers
, were part of forty-five thousand men who were being despatched
to Geneva to smite the lawless mob hip and thigh. There was much
affectionate parting at
the station, and the air
was laden with the
burden of martial songs. ,.
Here is a warrior bid-
ding farewell to his
sweetheart and father-
in -law elect. Poor
* Lisa! she was the pret-
tiest girl in the canton,
and the favourite toast
at all the village fes-
tivals.
You will tremble when
you hear that as soon
as your correspondent
heard that there was a
serious riot in Geneva he
determined to visit the
scene of action, but
you will breathe again ,r e
on learning that he came
unscathed through the fearful ordeal. He beheld a mob, which shouted
very loud and discharged muskets in the air, and he noticed more
sloppy regiments (at convenient distances from the mob), who looked
as if they would be glad when it was all over. However, it" appears
that six or eight people were unfortunately killed at the outbreak of
the riot, so your correspondent concludes that the worst of it was
over when he arrived. The bridges are still patrolled by small sentries,
but the mob is nowhere visible.
Your correspondent could not help remarking two phenomena which
presented themselves to his notice at Geneva. Before he had been
half an hour in the town three natives had asked him the way, and
four others had, in this city of clocks and watches, asked him the
time. Your correspondent doesn't know what there is about him to
induce men to imagine that he is a guide, but he cannot leave his
hotel without being asked the way to a place of which he never heard.
It is not enough that he assures all inquirers that he is a total stranger
-thay won't hear of that as an excuse, but dog him about wherever
he goes.











Geneva is situated on the Rhone, which rushes out of the lake through
the town with great rapidity. It is remarkable for its deep blue colour,
the cause of which has never been satisfactorily explained (MIUERAY).
Perhaps its looking blue is owing to the pros ence of iodine (BREWSTER),
or to disappointment in early youth (YouR owN CORRESPONDENT).
Any-how, there it is. A short distance below the town is its junction
with the muddy Arve. From that moment it ceases to be mere water
and becomes half an' Arve.







SmPTKBER 17, 1864.]


FUN.


Before quitting the shores of Lake Leman
let your correspondent destroy two popular
delusions. The first is with reference to
WILLIAM:TELL. He had nothing to do with
Lake Leman, but that is not to the point.
The question is, "Is the story about his
shooting the orange from his son's head true ?"
Now your correspondent has, with infinite
trouble, discovered that oranges were not intro-
duced into Suitzerland until nearly a hundred
years after TELL'S death. Your correspondent
is just reminded that it was not an orange but / 9
an apple, a fruit which was always plentiful
here. The moral is, however, the same.
Secondly, he is anxious to assure your
readers that in the matter of Swiss peasantry
at least the British stage is at fault. They do
not wear silk stockings, neither. do they earn
their living by dancing. They do not have
much time on their hands, and they do not
spend what little they do have. in wandering
about in parties of fifty, nor do they always
come on at the right moment. Each female peasant has pot
a comic father in a chintz waistcoat and three 'cornered-hat;
and village notaries are not dressed in black tights and large white
wigs. Neither, as far as your correspondent could learn, is he re-
markably obsequious to the farm labourers present at the signing Qf a
marriage contract. Moreover, Swiss waterfalls are not, as a rule,
dusty, nor do they creak much; and your correspondent seldom
observes anything in the shape of a carpenter's paper cap behind
distant Alps. There 1 Now he is off for Chamouni.













Blood-shedding and Slop-work.
THE Americans for a long time boasted that they could not
appreciate the force of the "Song of the Shirt," owing to their having
no overworked needlewomen among them. We see by their own
papers now, that
The eewing-women of Philadelphia and New York are in great distress, as their
scanty earnings are insufficient to support them. For soldiers' pants they only get
from six to eight cents in paper money, and for shirts, one dollar per dozen, in-
cluding buttonholes and al complete. For tents, with sixteen buttonholes, they
get fifteen cents per tent. These women have held large meetings in New York
and Philadelphias,but a deaf ear has been turned to thcir remonstrances."
Such living-or 'rather dying-by the needle is the result of the
needless bloodshed they have indulged in. A tear stands in the eye
of every English needle to learn so terrible a result of folly and
insanity.

Epigram on the Belfast Riots.
BY A VENDOR OF "FINE ST. MICBAEL'S.'"
THE rows at Belfast
Are over at last,
Having shown up some local abuses.
Speedy steps they should take,
And forbidden fruit" make
Of the Orange these rows that pro-juices.

FASHIONABLE NEWS.
WE observe that DE. LIVINGSTONE has gone to visit the DuKE Op
AEGYLL at Mull. He is sure to find his Grace quite at home in a
place with so appropriate a name.

A RIDDLE.
WHY is a gentleman enjoying a snooze, and refreshed by it, like a
hunter who goes at a jump with a number of others ? Because he
takes his (s)leap with the rest.


AT THE PLAY.
WONDEES-as was originally declared in the time of the Tudors-
will never cease. The oldest leader of the band in the orchestra of
the Surrey Theatre could never have expected a view of the stage
through a double opera-glass would have been intercepted by his
bald head. There has been a time when the possessor of such
an article-the opera-glass, not the bald head-would have bepn
driven out of the lower regions of the theatre by the derision of the occu-
pants of the upper. Now those behind the footlights assist their vision
by magnifying the proportions of those before them, and the gallery
looks on admiringly. The "powerful achromatic" is brought to bear on
the features of the performers only a few feet from the outer rim, and the
feminine possessor of the faintest pimple on the nose must now.shudder
at the close scrutiny to which she is subjected, and dread the appear-
ance of the blemish subtracting from the sympathy hitherto excited
by the passionate appeals to the constancy of her lover. The conver-
sion of three rows of the pit into stalls, and the consequent conversion
of as many of the ois-pontine groundlings into imitators of the West-
end fashionable, will have, a marked influence on the manners of the
heroes and heroines of the old domestic drama. Conscious of vigilant
microscopic observation they will no longer be able to indulge in the
pleasantry of private winking during the utterance of impassioned
speeches, and the interchange of coins, miniatures, rings, and bundles
of bank-notes for bribes to heavy ruffians, must be henceforth con-
ducted with due regard to the property-man having provided some-
thing like the articles intended to be represented. That on a level
with the footlights the glass should be now habitually held to the eyes
instead of to the lips marks a decided advance in the refinement of a
Surrey audience. What was improbable has become a highly accom-
plished fact. The result has been evidently foreseen in the selection
of the opening play, which anticipatively recognized the polish im-
parted to the pittites by such an announcement in the bills as
this:-" Civilization for the first time at this Theatre." Unfor-
tunately the piece proved an exceedingly dreary one, and there is
reason to fear it may have left the impression that, when too
much refined, society, like sugar, parts with a great deal of its natural
flavour. MR. JAMES ANDERSON, as the Savage Huron, looked inter-
esting enough; but when he doffed the blanket and the beads of the
North American Indian and went in for broadcloth and long speeches,
the spectators seemed to sigh for the happy nights when Mn.
SHEPHERD used to keep six ruffians at bay with one arm, whilst hoe
bore insulted innocence with the other triumphantly away over the
rocks amidst hurried music, fierce imprecations, and a terrific discharge
of pistols, which, though presented by the foiled banditti, generally
went off from the prompter's box. Five acts of blank verse must be
acknowledged a great deal to get through for those who have been
working hard all day, and the lessees, who have given their patrons
more ease in the front of the house by cushioned benches and easy
chairs, will do well to retain on the stage that old form of the Surrey
drama which gave us no fatigue to sit out. When this is done the
merits of the new members of the company may be bettor acknow-
ledged.
The return, after seven years' absence, of the renowned Wizard of
the North," is by this time well known to all the world if huge placards
and elaborate advertisements are of any service in securing the
blessings of professional publicity. The St. James's Hall is nightly
crowded by a closely-packed and terribly-puzzled audience. The most
striking novelty as yet has been the display of memory on the part of
his daughter, who tells the name of every article collected from and
re-collected by the company. As a wonderful effort of clairvoyance
the young lady mentioned the other evening half-a-dozen articles in
FUN which a contributor who was present had in his head. It is
needless to say the announcement created the greatest sensation in the
hall, and extensive orders for the next number were immediately given
to the nearest newsvendor. Tiu ODD MAN.


Those Railway Companies Again.
"THE recklessness of human life which has long distinguished the
railway companies, has at last reached a climax. The Manchester
and Milford-haven line, "just going to begin," as the showman says,
intends to have a station at a place called-or perhaps it would be
wiser to say "spelt"-I'OUTRIHYI)FENDIGAID. Total dislocation
of the larynx, temporary disturbance of the cervical vortebric, chronic
inflammation of the nerves of the tongue, combined with paralysis of
the lips, disintegration of the palate, and permanent loosening of the
teeth, are the least of the evils to be expected from such an instance
of railway recklessness, not to mention hopeless idiocy and incurable
insanity.


U








[SEPTEMBER 17, 1864.


VERY LIKELY.
Sarah (wsho has been complained about by Housekeeper):-" WELL, MUM, I SEZ TO HEE, I SEZ, SPEAK WHAT YER LIKE ABOUT ME, I
BEZ, BUT DON'T SLANDER HER LADYSHIP, I SEZ, FOR I CAN'T ABARE THAT."


A CURIOSITY FROM THE CUTLERS' FEAST.
I Fer.L there are, sir, buzzing flies, not simply bred in dirt, but nurtured in dirt,
whose only object is to be uncomfortable to cleanly people."
OKBUCK'S S.peech at Shefield.
WHAT can I believe my eyes ?
Does J. A. R. complain of flies ?
We know quite well this "jar is not
Mistakeable for honey-pot ;
Say, whence then can the fact arise,
That he's tormented by the flies ?
Buzzing, humming,
Going, coming,
Those terrible tormenting flies!
Well! flies, we know-the fact is funny-
Are fond of other things than honey.
In fact, these busy little flitters
Failing of sweets, will pitch on bitters-
Nay, even carrion pitch upon
(We know how he can carry-on)-
Buzzing, humming,
Going, coming,
Those terrible tormenting flies !
No doubt when PAM that speech perused, -
Expressions of surprise he used ;
Perhaps he said, with weary sighs,
ROEBUCK complaining of the flies!
All impudence this coolness tops-
The flies complained of by a waps '-
Buzzing, humming,
Going, coming,
More terrible than twenty flies !" "


TEETOTAL TOXICOLOGY.
DR. ALFRED TAYLOB, by direction of the Privy Council, has laid
before Parliament a report on the popular vendition and use of poisons.
The document is a deeply interesting one, for it throws a light-that
lurid light thrown by the bottles in an apothecary's window by gaslight
-upon the boasted spread of temperance and teetotalism. It appears
that the use of opium, especially among the lower classes, is co-exten-
sive with the spread of so-called temperance, and the decrease of so-
called intoxication. In other .words, weak people who abjure the
sensible use of beer and such liquids for the sake of a medal, a bit of
ribbon, or, most of all, self-glorification above their neighbours, have
taken to a worse indulgence-in short, nothing more or less than
opium-eating! The teetotallers themselves will not be altogether
unprepared for this charge-are perhaps only surprised that it has not
been made before, for it has been the reason alleged among themselves
for a long time for the excessive brilliance of one of their most eloquent
orators. The folly and absurdity of the movement have long been
observed. We have perhaps forgotten that any great movement so
foolish and so absurd must have its mischievous side, but we have
discovered it now. These blatant babblers against harmless social
glass have been the strongest advocates of the perilous- solitary dram
of poppy syrup, and no act of Parliament which is aimed at.the per-
nicious habit of opium-eating will be perfect unless it discourages the
ostentatious virtues and private vices of teetotalism.


TO NAPOLEON.
Louis PHILIPPE your uncle's bones took
To Paris, their craved resting-place ;
His are here amongst us; you can now
Return, if you choose, grace" with grace."


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, TS, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, SO, Fleet-street, E.C.-September 17,1864.


FUN.









FUN.


OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
BY OuR OWN LATTERDAY REVIEWER.

NE of the most important books
which we find on this long-neg-
r electedd article of furniture is MR.
LUMLEY'S Reminiscences of the
S Opera-or, as they might be classi-
Si cally described, "LUMLEII Opera
Omnia." It would not be fair to
fore-stall, for the occupants of
those luxurious seats, the delight
they will experience in the perusal
of this libretto of a lifetime; so we
will not extract any of the tit bits
S with which the book teems. MR.
BENJAMIN LUJMLEY may con..
gratufate himself on the manner in
which he has achieved a difficult
task without laying himself open
\ to the ready condemnation of
BENJAMIN'S mess." Such a work
might have been either a mere
Srpertoire of brilliant episodes and
light anecdotes, or it might have
been the solid and serious history
of a social institution,or in the third
place (the writer of this review begs
to assure his readers that he is not
the CHANCELLOR OF THE Ex-

Sment of his subject might lead them
to suppose), it might have been a
keen and searching inquiry and essay, with the mature judgment of
experience to illustrate it, on the subject of opera generally. This
capital volume comprises all these qualities; the soprano of anecdote
blends its brilliancy with the even tenour of history, and beneath all
flow the notes of the most basso-profondo experience of these matters.
FROM lady writers to crinoline is a natural change. "Place aux
dames," under the enlarged aspect of their attire in the present day,
is inevitable. MR. PHILPOT, however, in his Crinoline in our Parks
and Promenades from 1710 to 1864, gives us as much comfort, under
the circumstances, as we can derive from the knowledge the shins
of our ancestors for the last century have suffered from the expansive
notions of beauty entertained by the sex with regard to costume. We
recommend the reader to enlarge his circle of female acquaintances by
introducing himself to the hooped beauties of MR. PHILPOT'S amusing
volume. We call it amusing, although the male reader will probably
rise from its perusal with a melancholy belief that if crinoline, under
one shape or another, has existed for the last century, there is no par-
ticular reason why it should not last for ever. Satire-and satire was
at its fullest force in the days of the Tatler-exhausted its energies
against this bulwark of beauty in vain. The ladies seemed to feel
A hoop was an eternal round
Of pleasure,"
and steadily refused to give up a style of dome-estic architecture
which made them look like peripatetic St. Paul's Cathedrals. We
can recommend MR. PHIaroT's book for the use of the family circle.

THE CHURCH MILITANT.
HEEE's a queer advertisement! Why are pious advertisements
always so ludicrously comic ?
CHRISTIAN SOLDIER.-Wanted, as Scripture-reader, in a country parish, a
godly and intelligent soldier, under 40 years of age. A teetotaller preferred.
Testimonials as to decided piety will be required. Apply, etc.
We should have thought drill a bad preparation for sowing Scrip.
ture truths broadcast. It really puzzles us to discover any reason why
a soldier should be better for Scripture-reading than any one else.
A propos of the decided piety," may we ask the advertiser what
"undecided piety may be ?

MILITARY NEWS.
(FnOM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.)
IT is stated that COLONEL JOHN MITCHELL, of the Royal Marines,
at Woolwich, is about to retire. I do not intend to question the truth
of the report when I add that "you may tell that" to the corps inr
question. I have it on competent authority that the 5th Dragoon
Guards, on quitting their last station in Ireland, marched out to the
tune of Begone, dull Cahir."


TOWN TALK,
BY THE LUN6HER AT THE PUBS. P
I DON'T suppose any one was deeply impressed with admiration for
the bar of New York when EDWIN JAMES was so readily received by
it with open arms,
With all his blushing honours (!) thick upon him."
But the examination of the evidence against MULLER, under the
extradition treaty, has thrown a still further light upon the practices
of the American lawyers. Mu. BLANKMAN, one of the counsel
allotted to the prisoner, had the exquisite taste to request an adjourn-
ment on the ground that England had taken its time over the case of
ANDERSON, the fugitive slave, and had acquitted him; and also in the
case of a murder committed on board an American ship, in which the
murderers and pirates escaped to Liverpool, where the British autho-
rities declined to give them up. You will observe how carefully this
gentleman cites cases calculated to create ill-fooling against us, and
you will also observe that he is addressing a commissioner, and not a
jury, so that his inflammatory advocacy was aimed to create a disturb-
ance and mob-interference, not in any hope of impressing the tribunal
he addressed. MR. SHAFFER, the other counsel for the prisoner, had
the rowdy insolence to plead that it was a principle of national law
that a state of war nullified all treaties, and that although the two
countries were not actually at war, Englishmen encouraged depreda-
tions on American commerce, and the behaviour of England for the
last three years did away with the operation of treaties. I know that
the counsel allotted to a prisoner are not men of distinction, but in a
similar case in England would Briefless and Phunky ever commit
such gross breaches of decorum and decency even in their most
despairing efforts ? Such conduct as that of MESSRS. BLANKIMAN and
SHAFFER exceeds the license of counsel, and descends to blackguardism
and rowdyism. An appeal to the worst passions of the mob is not
becoming in the pettifogging pleader in a police-court. It is curious
to notice that neither the commissioner nor the counsel for the prose-
cution took any notice of this disgraceful conduct. It is not clear
whether this was from utter contempt for such artifices or from a
deference to excited public opinion. I am half inclined to think the
latter, from the almost apologetic manner in which the former ex-
pressed his grounds for delivering up the prisoner.
THE REV. MR. HTBBS, who has a fatal facility for embroiling him-
self with the police, by preaching inconveniently in crowded thorough-
fares, has been brought up again for obstructing the streets. After
a good deal of reverend buffoonery and magisterial twaddle he was
discharged. But the Christian clergyman could not go away without
trying to get a policeman into a scrape which would, perhaps, procure
his dismissal. Said he to MB. FLOWERS, the magistrate (who is not
best flours, but only seconds), Oh, I have not done with this man
yet. Now, sir-and this is a very grave matter, sir-are you the con-
stable who addressed to me, a clergyman of the Church of England,
the offensive words, 'None of your slang ?' The constable admitted
at once that he had used those words, and was thereupon rebuked by
the magistrate. Now, I appeal to every one of common sense (I admit
that does not include police magistrates) whether a better term than
"slang" could possibly be found to describe the shibboleth of such
peripatetic, polemical parsons as ME. Hifs ? Street-preaching is all
very well in its way, a means of catching stray sheep and bringing
them into the fold. But these wayside preachers are more like rabid
sheep-dogs, who delight to worry their neighbours' flocks and snap at
the heels of passers-by.
I SEE that at a late execution at Leeds, when a man named
MYERS was hung, the fall forced the rope into a hardly healed self-
inflicted wound, and the miserable creature hung for half an hour
breathing through this aperture, and alive This must have lent an
additional charm to the great moral lesson.
I sEE the Danish papers-the comic ones, i.e., the honest, outspoken
ones, especially, are not over-enraptured at the PRINCE OF WALES'S
visit to Copenhagen, and make a good many smart allusions to
the assistance they have not received from England. One cannot
be astonished at this. A people smarting under defeat and oppression
have a privilege to be short and cross with their friends, and we can
pardon the mistaken feeling which ascribes to the nation generally and
to the heir to the throne a want of active sympathy which was rather
the fault of the ministry and the-but no Tower Hill rises before
me, and I put "the finger of silence on the lips of discretion."
THERE was a curious police case the otherday. Awoman was brought
up for leaving her child at the gates of the Foundling Hospital. She
was under the belief, and I own I know no better, that the Foundling
Hospital was for foundlings. I suppose, like all other charities, it has
got perverted from its original purposes-perhaps it has become a sort
of foundation school, with presentations from governors. What would
honest old CAPTAIN CORAM say if he were alive still ?


VOL VII. C


SEPTEMBER 24, 1864.]









12 FUN.


SEPTEMBER 24, 1864.


THE SOCIAL SCIENCE ASSOCIATION.
To-Monnow the Social Science Association is to meet at York, and
the first subject appointed for discussion is Jurisprudence and the
Laws of Real Property. Now, as we considered that no one is so com-
petent to judge of the value of real property as he who possesses none
of his own, we deputed our Hard-up Contributor to write an elabo-
rate essay wherewith to enlighten and improve the members of the
Association. Singular to relate-and it only shows the truth of the
old adage, Quem deus vult, &c.-our offer to send our H. U. C. was not
accepted. At first, on receipt of LOnD BEovUHAMx's civil letter-and
it was very civil-declining the intended offer, we were seized with
indignation ; but this feeling speedily gave way to pity at his blind-
ness ; since, of course, the success of the meeting would at once have
been assured should we, or anybody or thing emanating from us, take
part in it. Determined, however, that if in his ignorance LoRD
BIouuOnAM should deprive the members of the Association of
a treat the world at large should not suffer equally, we decided on
presenting the essay to our millions of readers in our own columns,
and, as the showman says, all for the small charge of one penny,"
instead of the expense of a journey to York. So here we are.
Real property consists in the actual possession of anything of
value, which is absolutely and completely your own to do what you
like with. The best example of this is the nose on your face, seeing
that that organ is of decided, though not perhaps exactly negotiable,
value to the owner, and is absolutely and completely his own to do
what he likes with. The coat on your back, when paid for, is also real
property, ,and is, besides, to a certain extent, indirectly negotiable,
seeing that, if a good one, you are by its aid enabled to get credit for
another, or even to turn it into ready money, by applying to our
universal uncle who resides at the corner of most streets. The same
rule also applies to all articles of dress and jewellery, though as regards
the latter it is best not, if unpaid for, to convert it too soon into the
current coin of the realm; since an absurd prejudice exists in the
minds of tradespeople against the practice, and the proceeding is some-
times stigmatized as obtaining money under false pretences. Conse-
quently it is not advisable to entrust a watch you have bought on
credit in the morning to the safe custody of the aforesaid relation
before the evening of the same day.
Unreal property consists of those things which have a purely
nominal value. In this category come JONES'S I 0 U for 5-lent to
that individual in a moment of wealth-Spanish Bonds, American
ditto, most shares in mining companies, and good things generally,
which are to yield one hundred per cent. on the original outlay. But
as the less we have to do with these valuables the better, we shall here
say no more about them.
We now come to the laws relating to real property in the United
Kingdom, and we have to consider whether such laws in their sub-
stance and tendency are suited to the present state of society, and if
not, how should they be improved ? These are two in number, and
possess the decided advantage of extreme simplicity. They are, first,
To get as much real property as possible;' and secondly, 'To keep
it when you have got it.'
To carry out the first of these laws numerous ways are open to
the enterprising. To enumerate them all would, however, take up
too much of our valuable time. Suffice it to say, that starting a com-
pany and eloping with thepaid-up capital is by nomeansan unpopular
measure ; though cashiers in banks and confidential clerks have found
simple embezzlement extremely efficacious. It must, nevertheless, be
added, that these methods are attended at times with unpleasant con-
sequences, not altogether unconnected with compulsory retirements
to the calm retreats of HER MAJESTY'S prisons. Another and more
common mode of obtaining real property is to earn it honestly. But
as this course of procedure entails a corresponding amount of hard
work we can scarcely recommend it to those who object on principle
to labour.
The second law, To keep real property when you have got it,' is
extremely easy of execution. Given the fulfilment of the first law,
the second comes naturally. Three rules for the guidance of the be-
ginner may, however, be useful. 1st. Lend no money; 2nd. Spend
no money ; and 3rd. Speculate not at all ; and the thing is done.
"Do these laws require alteration in the present state of society ?
No !-decidedly no Albeit we would have the execution of the first
facilitated by an extension of the law of issue, by which we mean that
every private individual should be permitted to issue notes, available
as legal tenders, of his own, irrespective of the amount of actual
bullion in his possession. In conclusion we are convinced that this
measure would tend to equalize and extend the wealth of the whole
country, and let us hope that this suggestion will not be lost on ME.
GLADSTONE and financiers generally."
And this is the essay which LORD BROUGHAM declined! Comment
is superfluous I


THE THREE VOICES.
THE VOICE OF AMERICA.
UGLY ABE, he sat in his lair,
Worked his nails in his shaggy hair,
And struck his desk a blow;
ABE was vicious and AnB was glum,
He scratched his nose with his tawny thumb,
And he got him up to go.
Dropped back in a coma of utter surprise,
Bounced up again, his furze-bordered eyes
Fixed, and fishy and dull;
And he grappled himself by his whity-brown choker,
Cut "six" and "seven" while grasping a poker,
Which cleft an invisible skull.
They break down his platform from under his legs-
He is getting rhetorical' rotten eggs
Flung in his bankrupt face;
One only was wise of all his stale section,
Who once had made sure of a second election,
And that was skedaddling CHASE.
Away with the humbug cast off his yoke,
Who while thousands are bleeding is brewing a joke,
And fiddles while towns are ablaze;
Who hounds at out throats war's ravenous dogs-
He who sewed up the eyes of a cargo of hogs,
In his raffish younger days.
THE VOICE OF ABE.
Well, I am- (here a door slammed,
And the finishing word was very much jammed)-
I guess I'm up a tree,
Unnat'ral skunks I calculate
I'm in a tall unhealthy state;
I can't fix this, Siree.
Just as I'd totted it right as a church,
I seem to discover I'm left in the lurch,
And put in a kinder funk;
Just as I laid out for pegging away
With UNCLE SAM's purse-cuss them varmints, I say-
I've got to pack my trunk.
Foul is the treason of little MAC,
He has stolen my wind, my sails are slack,
My hold un the helm is gone;
That slip of a chap preferred to me ?
Able-bodied and six feet threc-
The modern WASHINGTON ?
THE VOICE OF FUN.
Surely 'tis a monstrous bore,
Skilled in pettifogging lore,
He should get the rout;
Very rude uf SYRACUSE,
Poor old ABE to abuse,
As well as kick him out.
Dear old ABE, againstt them try
Some grim joke or proverb sly-
Useless rage exhausts;
Some law quibble-'twas your trade;
Tell 'em damages are laid,
Show your bill of costs.
Dear old UNCLE ABE, pray
To your bower steal away;-
Cock-tail and gin-sling,
Heels in air and pipe in jaw-
You may give the tavern law,
And be tavern king.


hymes for a New Review;
OR, GROG FOR THE TEMPERANCE FOLK.
*WHAT will the teetotallers do?
For the new Anti-Teapot Eeview
It gives them no quarter,
But into hot water
It gets them-with great spirit, too!









FUN.


A NIGHT'S ADVENTURE.
BT OUR SMALL CHILD HAROLD.
I STOOD in wonder near to Charing-cross,
St. Martin's and Pall-mall upon each hand;
Where vagrants gazed, for lodgings at a loss,
On waves of life swift-rolling towards the Strand.
Filed forth policemen, a small, sturdy band,
With hat and cape which wore the newest gloss;
The twinkling lamps made up a picture grand,
Whilst boys with piemen vainly tried to toss
(Supplies being not quite equal to demand),
Showing sharp hungry eyes, whose looks all understand.
Forth from the neighboring theatres streamed a crowd
Of prosperous playgoers, most on chops intent;
From whom bold beggars sought, with accents loud,
To coax stray halfpence as along they went.
Some two or three, with words p'raps kindly meant,
Held quiet converse, and not being proud,
Made strange appointments: messages were sent;
One playbill vendor to a banker bowed,
The interview he asked was graciously allowed.
Bright shone the moonbeams oniTrafalgar-square,
Swift hansom cabs went rattling quickly by;
The chemist's shop sent forth a ruddy glare
From great red bottles which we there espy ;
And distant roofs which caught the wandering eye
Of one's attention claimed a largish share;
And then ensued a sense perceptibly
Of frostiness about that midnight air,
And-" Pshaw pish! pooh! all painted I declare "
[The scene changes. Poetic pittite finds he has been gazing on the
view of Charing-cross, in the Princess's drama of The Streets of
London," and tells the sncomfortably-squeezed playgoer next him
that he was nearly carried away by the illusion. The U. S. P. regrets
he was not carried away entirely, as it would have made more
elbow-roo;s.]

A Nice Place to Live In.
NOT long ago strong comments were made by the English press on
the conduct of an English mistress who summoned her servant before
the local justices to compel him to attend "some place of worship "
on the Sunday. But for a neat thing in bigotry commend us to the
Roman Catholic cur6 and mayor of the commune inhabiting Raggel
in the Tyrol. They certainly do manage those things better on the
continent, in proof of which the following order issued to the servants
of the church of that Tyrolese Elysium, and countersigned by the
mayor, speaks not only volumes, but we might even say whole
libraries:-
"As it is known that M. N- has not come to church for a long time, you are
directed to go to his house and bring him to church. .If he should resist, you will
call for the assistance of others and bring him by force. Having come into church
you will sit near him. Should he feign illness and fill down, you will allow him to
remain on the floor; but if he makes any noise, bestaw upon him, by way of cure,
from ten to twelve blows of a stick."
We sometimes talk in England of being made religious by Act of
Parliament, but the Tyrolese cur6 evidently wishes to make his
parishioners pious by even stronger means. Observe the philanthropy
which urges the bestowal of ten or twelve blows of a stick in case of
what policemen call the "obstropolousness" of the patient. Truly
this Roman light must be an ardent disciple of SOLOMON, inasmuch
as he has no intention of spoiling his child by sparing the stick.

Nothing New.
THE French have just started, for the benefit of those who find a
great difficulty in reading small type, a new paper entitled Le Petit
Courier des Myopes. There is no great novelty in the idea, for our
English Times has long been known as the short-sighted journal."

A RAP FOR THE DOCTOR.
THE silly seer, who has been talking apiarian nonsense in the Times
of late, surely did not hope to persuade the world, by so doing, that he
is bee-CuMMING a wiseman.

A CON FROM THE COUNTRY.
WHY is little PRINCE VICTOR ALBERT like two of the delights of
out-door life in fine weather ? Because he's the sun and air of
England.


TO PROFESSOR JOHN ANDERSON,
WIZARD OF THE NORTH."
JOHN ANDERSON, my Pro," JOHN,
When we were first acquent,
With youthful cheeks unshaven,
To see your tricks I went;
But now 1 am much more lbald, JOHN,
Than thirty years ago ;
Time's hand is quite as quick as your's,
JOHN ANDERSON, my Pro."
JOHN ANDERSON, although, JOHN,
My hat with cake you smother,
You brush it neatly, so, JOHN,
I'll let you make another.
There's many a bright half-crown, JOHN,
I've lent you, as you know,
But out of lemons back they came,
JOHN ANDERSON, my Pro."
JOHN ANDERSON and Co. (JoHn,
Your daughter counts for one),
By marvels managed so, JOHN
BULL is fairly done;
But those long words you use, JOHN,
No lexicon can show ;
Oh, what would DOCTOR JOITNSON say,
JOHN ANDERSON, my Pro ? "

NO CARDS.
A FASHIONABLE contemporary quotes a new use of photography:-
'If cards,' on nuptial occasi 1.-.. 1n ...* ,,: i.. ..r .1 I .'es are co ning in.
Not long since we read of small 0.,it ', i n ,, ,,n ,, n ,n ilod, brhild i'cooii
too, being sent round to friends, 1 I i .i i II -., 11 i r-ligat red p;alte-
boards."
We would suggest a still further improvement, namely, that to
lessen those ridiculous extravagances of the wedding ceremony, which
are so often the obstacles to marriages made in Heaven, but not carried
out here below, the two cartes should be substituted for the carriage
and pair and postillion.

Foreign Literary Intelligence.
WE observe in the German periodical known as the Mgasqnzin fur
die Literatur des Auslandes there is art article entitled Billitlsqgate
Pisch-Markt." No doubt the present unpopularity of England has
induced some bemused philosopher to descant upon the beauties of
our language as spoken in that classical region. Well, the German
papers of late have given us a very fair specimen of their "Billings-
gate," so they are quite welcome to try the quality of ours.

"THE QUEEN'S ENGLISH."
THE Reader seems occasionally to forget that it is also a writer at
times. In a notice of a book entitled Homes without Hands" we
come on the following queer sentence:-
c' Each nost-building bird or ineet-ciuch earth-burrower, whether quadruped,
bird, insect, or crustacean-have tiall their habitations described."
Oh, each nest-building bird have, have it ? Well, we are glad to
hear that they all does have its habitations described I

"To Persons about to Marry."
THERE is something ominous in the custom described in the follow-
ing extract:-
"The manner of advertising for a husband in Java is by placing an empty
flower-pot on the portico roof, which is as much as to say, A young lady is iln the
house. Husband wanted.' "
That, says a morose bachelor of our acquaintance, is as much as to
say that when a man marries he goes to pot.

A Con for Cricketers.
FIRST of all, we must request our readers to peruse the following
paragraph :-
Those who know the cricket-ground at Hastings will appreciate the feat per-
formed by GRIFFITHS in the match of the All Englnmd against twenty-two of
Hastings, on Tuesday, when he hit the ball four succeswive tnnes in one over from
BI.NNETT'S bowling straight over the opposite wicket, over the tall boundary fence
of the cricket-ground, and hit the houses on the opposite side of the street, one of
the balls going on to the roof."
Well, now, why does this cricketer remind you of a well-known
firm of publishers of juvenile works ? Because he's GRAIFITH and
FAR-'UN.


SEPTEMBER 24, 1864.]








SEPTEr-BER 24. 1864.
14


EXCURSION INTELLIGENCE.
Gushing.Exeursionist':-" SHAKE HANDS, MY DEAR SIR, SHAKE HANDS."
Shocking Old Snob :-" SHAKE HANDS, SIR, WHAT FOR P "
G. B. :-" WHY, SIR, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT FOR. YOU ARE THE FIRST MAN I'VE SEVN TO-DAY W.HO HASN'T ASKED ME FOR
MY TICKET. THAT'S WHAT FOR, SIR."


A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE.
(DEDICATED TO THE CRYSTAL SANITARIUM COMPANY.)
No matter henceforth in what quarter may be
The winds-let them blow as they like;
A glass-sheltered home and good living give me,
And the notion my fancy will strike.
Though the pelting rain patter down, crack, and should smite
Umbrellas which storms have withstood,
We can walk about dry, and enjoy with delight
The air which here does us such good.
A vast sanitarium, where zephyrs breathe soft,
And no draughts can be felt at one's back,
Where patients with colds neither sneezed have nor coughed,
Is the spot for long life and old JACK.
Why, I heard our physician declare t'other day
All I wanted was living in such
A place as Madeira, or Rome, or Torquay,
Where the cold didn't trouble one much.
But where's the need to go further afield,
When at home you can have just the same,
And acres of glass-covered passages yield
All the boons of a cucumber frame ?
So say I, let a company run up aloft
A building like this in a crack,
And all the year round will an atmosphere soft
Suit the folks who've weak lungs like old JACK.

THE DOCTRINE OF ELECTION.-ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S chances for
the coming presidency.
A "RACING FIXTUBE."-A horse that won't start.


"THE PLAY "-ISN'T-" THE THING."
THE preaching and palavering theatrical season is just beginning.
Sunday services have already been held in some of the minor theatres.
We consider a prayer-ineering as much out of place in a theatre as a
teetotal meeting, and how cmn that be appropriate when the lecturer
has a" drop" behind the ba:ks of the chairman and committee, and
his audience see it ?

Out of its Switz.
OrR esteemed and valuable contemporary the Court Journal appears
to be suffering from the effects of what the Saturday Review calls the
"silly season." We clip this curious passage out of its last number:-
"A correspondent suggests that the Genoese, having recently called the world
together t'l sauge.t the means of humanizing their passions, should, after the late
,ample of their ferocity, bh-gin at home." -
We know of nothing either particularly humanizing or particularly
ferocious that Genoa has been guilty of lately. Can our friend be
thinking of the late riots and the late congress of surgeons at Geneva ?
What a blunder for a fashionable journal that makes the grand tour
to be Court out in !

A FLEETING IDEA.
THE French Fleet is shortly expected to visit Leith Roads. We
trust that the memory of bygone animosities and defeats will be lost
in the lethe waters.

MEDICAL.-People are in the habit of laughing at medical men's
prescriptions, and say that they are written in Dog-Latin." Well,
suppose they are, the fact is not surprising, considering that "bark"
so often forms an intentional portion of their contents.






F U N .-SEPTEMBER 24, 1864.


THIS IS 1864!


Peterborough:-"EU, HOR! EH, HOR! IT'S ALL VERY WELL, MR. COLENSO, BUT YOU DON'T
PREACH HERE!"









SEPTEMBER 24, 1864.]


F UY N.


CHAUNCEY SHAFFER,
ADVOCATE OF MULLER.
SHOWING how CHAUNCEY SHAFFER, of the New York Bar, was
enabled, by the power of superior intellect, to drag a simple criminal
case through a fog of patriotic bunkum. Showing, also, that MAIE-
B URY helped to clear away the fog, and that COMMISSIONER NEWTON
saw through it.
Ur from among the members of the bar
Arose great SHAFFER, with his noble brow
Puckered in awfully majestic frown;
Out from his bosom came a heavy puff,
And lo! his stomach swells in patriot form.
Awhile he stopped to clench a free-born first,
Then struck himself upon the CHAUNcEY chest,
Glared as a CHAUNCEY SHAFFER only can,
And forthwith leapt into a sea of words.
," I am not here to quarrel with that land
Who seeks the client I am here to save.
Much could I say of that old rotten state,
But I forbear-SIIAFFERS are merciful;
Yet this I will declare, ay send it out
With trumpet blast upon the world's great sea,
That he who sits in judgment here fo-day
Cannot and shall not venture to rehearse
An order that's opposed to my demand;
Which is, that ye refuse to give this man
Back to the myrmidons of British law.
'Excelsior 1' have ye heard that word before,
And do ye know 'twas coined for this free soil ?
Excelsior! do ye hear me ring the chime,
And call on ye to follow up the Alp
Of its great meaning ? Meaning what but this,
That 'tis the title of the Empire State,
And shall be-SHALL BE! Do ye hear me roar,
And yet not tremble ? Are ye mad ?
Do ye not know that when a S rurFEa speaks
The kings of earth must hide their shaking heads,
And all the forest beasts hang down their tails ?
Ye know it not ? then are ye fools indeed.
The time will come-ha! ha no more of that,
I would not fright the colour from your cheeks
Until 'they aped the hue of frozen corpse;
I would not send a shiver through your bones,
That would out-chill the all of frigid storms
Rolled to a single blast! Awhile I keep
Your dullard faculties in happy trance.
But now, behold! I claim th' eternal sea;
I, CHAUNCEY SHAFFER, henceforth do decree
That she is ours-yes, ours, and OURS ALONE.
E'en as the prairies roll their awful waves
Of heaving stillness, to rehearse our right,
To hold the heritage till crack of doom,
So is the great Atlantic our fief -
And yet the hideous Briton batf allowed
The armed myrmidons of rebel power
To leave her dastard and malignant shores,
To prey upon the commerce of our land;
And this I, SHAFFER, do declare is War!
The extradition treaty, if it stood
At all within the patience of our race
To keep so vile a compact, cannot be
Existent in the atmosphere of war.
And do ye ask me for a proof of war ?
I give it ye. I, SHAFFER, say it is
The true interpretation of an act
Suffered by those who by-and-by shall feel
Ten million scorpions on the shivering back
Of their contemptible and worn-out state.
What! our rich argosies to be the prey
Of those we could, an 'twere not for the aid
Filched from a wretched corner of the earth,
Crush in a trillion fragments Ha ha ha !
Hearken, ye Britons SHAFFER warns ye all
That we will crunch your island into bits,
That we will rend your palaces to shreds,
And pave the Broadway with the broken stones;
That we will pulverise your chalky cliffs,
And with the proceeds write your lasting shame
Upon the summits of the mountain range.


This in the future Now I dare ye all
To say me nay to that demand 1 make."
IeT ceased-the wondrous oralor sat down,
Dabbing his steaming bhad,, and there artc,,
A tribute of applause from rowdy thronas.
It im followed MllrinltY, a poor weak m:an,
W'ho brought the question back to common sense,
And so put out the Sa uitni's glorious light.
A wicked thing to do, but worse remained,
For lo the ruler of the court preferred
To hold the stupid line of honesty,
In contradiction to lhe grander road
Mapped out by SHAIFERU'S less ignoble mind.

THE KNIGHTS OF THE TOOTHPICK.
SOME few years ago there came into pretty general vogue, anionl. a
certain class, the adoption of tootlipicsas as necessary addition lt ithe
walking costume. Some lisping jackass, of high rank, anxious to
inform the world that he had just come from a heavy dinner, toolk it
into his head, one summer evenitin to stroll down lIoegnit- rot
sucking a piece of pen. Forthwith 5%her lisping jackasses,* and, we
are sorry to say, many who were not jackasses on the long run, and
therefore ought to have known better, were to be seen moving ,dli
the great thoroughfare similarly adorned. A few innovators, in their
earnestness to advertise a gorge, unfastened one button of the wu'nil-
coat, but this ingenious improvement upon the original did not metti
with the success it deserved. If the Arcoh-Jackass had umdone his
waistcoat button, why, of course, all his followers would have undone
their waistcoat buttons, but he hadn't, and so they didn't.
Ignorant, foggyy-minded beings who had been brought up decently
and remembered the teaching, were uinublo to recognize the beauty of
picking their teeth while walking three abreast in a done-up way. Tho
effect might be great, but they couldn't see it; on the contrary, these
fossils regarded it as a beastly practice, and rejoiced to apply the linsh
upon its dirty hide. Not without result either, for under their
scourgings London gradually threw olff the scaly eruption, and men
became positively ashamed of it. Even the patentee finished his
mining operations before going out of doors.
So far so good, but it must not be supposed that there has been an
absolute banishment of this nasty legerdemain. Driven from the
streets, its disciples carry out their workings in places of public mnuse-
ment; theatre stalls are very popular for display. At the Adelphi, the
other night, we noticed a couple of men with feeble frontals rolling
about their instruments in a manner truly frantic. One of tlheim, a
young creature who was evidently bent upon being imposing 1o a
party of ladies in the next row, was peculiarly energetic. ilo leaned
his back against the orchestra partition, and with eyes half shut,
elbows resting, and hands drooping, seemed thus to deliver himself:
"Just lounged in from my club, ya know-dined, ya know-gainme, ya
know-venison, ya know-and all that, ya know. 1 don't come for
the play, yaknow-dear me, naw !-but think it a duty to show you
how I pick my teeth, ya know-life's a baw, ya know-there's nothing
left worth talking about but a toothpick, ya know," etc., etc.
Thus they of his order ; but whoever supposes that there is any club
in the case at all, or anything in the shape of a dinner, save and
except a sixpenny chop at The Cock," The Cheshire Cheese,"
"Joe's," etc., etc., or, maybe, an occasional small steak by way of
extravagance ?

LOCUS IN QUO.
WE observe in a provincial paper that-
It has at length been decided that the now church for Fre'shwater is to be built
in the district of Weston."
This is rather vague; but we venture to suppose that the Weston
alluded to is not Weston-super-Mare, because it would be utterly
absurd to build a new church on purpose for Fresh-water, where the
water would necessarily be salt.

Down with your Pikes I"
ACTIVE measures are being laken to induce the Government to
abolish the turnpikes on the Surrey side of the water. We may, per-
haps, actually go so far as to say that the knell of the toll is tolled.
This doing away of the turnpike is a turn for the better in the British
constitution, and we venture to prophesy an improved circulation in
the arteries of London after the removal of all the similar in-toll-
erable nuisances which are such a tax on the system.
The stpcies is gradually becoming extinct, thanks to Mn. SoT tiaiN. For such
as remain, the only chance of distinction is to take up with the P're-Adamite beasts
at Sydenham.









F lUN.


[SEPTEMBER 24, 1864.


OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT OUT FOR A HOLIDAY.

HE town of Geneva, my dear FuN, is a disap-
pointing thing. As you enter it by rail or by
steamer, after a sojourn of three weeks or so
in a country village, you say to yourself,
Why, here is city, if you like Here are
tall houses with capital shops, here are hotels
where I mnay dine me, here are gardens where
I may promenade me, here are jewellers'
shops where I may ruin me. This is a thriving
and a beautiful city. I will stop here for a
month." But you soon find out that Geneva
is "all face," and after your first walk you
Ir recant and say, "I will not stop here a week."
'What is it to you that ROUSSEAU was born
here, and that VOLTAIRE lived in the imme-
diate neighbourhood ? One can't take a
month's consecutive interest in a dull town on
the strength of these two facts. Besides, if
Geneva has its JEAN JACQUEs' lOUssEAU, haven't we our ROBINSON
CRUSOE ? Influenced by these considerations, off you go to
Chamounix.
The only communication between Geneva and Chamounix is by
diligence, and so by diligence your correspondent travelled to Cha-
mounix. All diligence are abnormal structures, but the Chamounix
diligence is more abnormal than any other that your correspondent has
come across. It is as though one had stuck two gigs and a bad landau
on to the top of one of those comprehensive funeral cars in which
hearse and mourning coach are ingeniously combined, the head of the
coffin being conveniently dovetailed into the space created by the seat
of the mourning coach. Your correspondent booked himself to,
Chamounix in the gig department of this composite structure, and so
had an admirable opportunity of
remarking the deportment of the
driver. It appears to be required
of a Genevese driver that he should
shout, and scream, and whistle, and
"cluck," and gnur-r-r-r" at his
team whenever it passes through a
town, and that in the intervals be-
tween the towns he should yield
himself to the gentle fascinations
of the goddess Sleep, so beautifully
apostrophised in blank verse by the
late KING HENRY THE FOURTH,
in his second part. Your correspon-
dent firmly believes that the driver
of the Chamounix diligence had
deluded himself into the belief that
he was no other than the original
"Postillon de Longjumeatu," so did he ring his bells, and so did he say
"Hi done Or-r-r-r! Ah, grinion !" (whatever that may mean),
and so did he crack his long whip around your correspondent's head,
causing that nervous person to wink and blink in a manner which
appeared to afford much amusement to an
amiable, but not intelligent, peasantry. For
the road from Geneva, through Chamounix to
Bouveret runs through the head-quarters of
goiter and cretinism, and he who is not
afflicted with one appears to be the victim of
the other.
"Mont Blanc is the monarch of moun-
tains"-BYRoN,-(PHELPS, I thank thee); but
that is no reason why all the he-peasants be-
tween it and Geneva should look like Irish-
men. I protest that the accompanying sketch
is a faithful portrait of a peasant of St.
Martin. He is supposed to be assisting at a
local fte, and is singing a quaint local ballad, of
which your correspondent recollects only the
opening lines:-
Qui a heureusement visit Donibrouque foire ?'
Quand un Suiss eest l bas, il est tout dans sa gloire
Avee son shini:,d, faux richer si vert !"
The female of the tribe is represented in the initial letter. Her face
is too fearful a thing to look upon, so your correspondent has con-
siderately given you a back view of her.
The Hotel de I' Union at Chamounix (so called because it consists
of three houses, widely separated) is an indifferent good hotel, with


haughty waiters, who put their hands in their pockets and loll against
walls when your correspondent addresses them. His window looks
upon Mont Blanc, and as it is a magnificent day he is able to follow,
with his glass, the track of some tourists who commenced the ascent
yesterday. He has taken the trouble to collect statistics concerning
the gentlemen now at Chamounix who have views concerning Mont,
Blanc. They are as follows :-
Per Centage.
Gentlemen who would like to go up Mont Blanc, only
they sprained their foot yesterday 30.5
Gentlemen who have been advised by guides not to attempt
it this year, as it is late in the season 42.75
Gentlemen who would have gone up, only they are here
with ladies, and the ladies have made them promise they
wouldn't 21.5
Gentlemen who won't go up because every cad goes up
now-a-days 12.25
Gentlemen who intend to go up next year 100.
Gentlemen who can't afford it (one-your correspondent-
represented by) .. .0753
(N.B.-The last decimal seems wrong, but it is too hQt to go into
the matter.)
The tourist who has accurately practised the receipt given in my
last chapter for curing him of nervousness upon the glaciers, may
consider himself qualified to visit the JARDIN." The Jardin "
is the name of a popular glacier excursion, and as it is an easy,
innocent sort of a name, and suggestive of a pleasant stroll over
gently sloping meadows,
your correspondent
thought it would be a good
thing to begin upon. So
he hired him a stout
guide, and set off at the
unripe hour of half-past -
five a.m. He reached the -
ice in a couple of hours or .
so, and he then discovered
that the placing his foot s5
for the first time upon a 7 ''
glacier was the signal for
his athletic guide to bound
away from him, like a / Ii
young chamois, at the rate
of six miles an hour. Here
you have him clearing
yawning crevasses, and .
above him you perceive
your correspondent, who is expected to
follow suit. For a considerable period that
gentleman saw only one way across the
yawning gulf, namely, to descend to the
bottom and scramble up the other side.
Closer inspection making it evident to
him that the crevasse was several miles
deep, he abandoned his intention, and
substituted for it the ingenious notion
suggested in the margin. Your cor-
respondent possesses, among many other
accomplishments, a facility for rope- -1,
dancing which is absolutely astonishing.
Under these circumstances, an alpen-
stock afforded him a wide and convenient
bridge, by means of which he was en-
abled to reach the other side in safety.
Glaciers are bounded on either side by
cheerful inventions called "Moraines."
A moraine is a species of Alpine slag,"
consisting of pleasant pieces of
rock and mountain debris of all
descriptions, carried down by the
glacier in its course; and getting
over a moraine is very like climb-
ing up the side of a house in a
pair of imperfectly adjusted skates.
There are four or five of them on
the Mer de Glace," and as soon
as your correspondent had got --
over the fourth, he was collared
by his ruthless guide, dragged to
the edge of a frightful gulf in the 4 .
living ice, and held over the edge
in the manner represented. The


i


t









SPTEMBER 24, 1864.1 F TJ U N. 19


guide kept that unhappy being in the position in question for nearly
three-quarters of an hour (as it seemed to your correspondent), and
after remarking, Moulins-sans fond," allowed him to resume the
vertical. With a fearful yell the phantom guide bounded away in
search of new horrors, leaving your terrified representative trembling
on the brink.
The search for new horrors was not fruitless. Perpendicular or
overhanging rooks, which had to be climbed before the pleasant
" Jardin" could be reached, rose up one
behind another, and more houses had to
be climbed up in loose skates than would f [ ,j.
suffice to make Regent-street. This re-
presents your correspondent as he ap-
peared skipping up the Egralets. .
Many people suffer severely from 00
vertige, or giddiness, and so among others
did your representative; but he discovered
a means of curing himself of nervousness
in difficult situations, and he makes his
method public. He clambers up the
egralets (as represented), and when he ,-
has attained an altitude of eight thousand ,
feet, he looks down, and repeats the I
following remarks in a clear and audible
voice:-" Here I am on the egralets. I
am eight thousand feet above the sea. My footing is extremely pre-
carious (for I am on the face of a perpendicular rock of fearful height,
and the projections to which I am clinging are microscopic), and the
slightest slip will send me rolling down farther than I can see, and,
of course, if I slip I shall be dashed to atoms. I rather think I shall
slip-in fact, at the present moment, I feel sure I shall; but I am not
afraid. Afraid ?- Ha! ha! What is fear ?-it is not in my dic-
tionary." That is the formula.

the "Jardin" is reached. Here is your.
correspondent enjoying the prospect. The
view is magnificent, but your correspon-
dent has nevertheless no hesitation in
denouncing the "Jardin" as a swindle.
What does MURRAY say of it ? He calls -
it "an oasis in the desert-an island in
the ice-a rock which is covered with
a beautiful herbage, and enamelled in
August with flowers." This description
is correct, with the exceptions that it is
not an oasis in the desert, for there are
dozens of patches just like it in the im-
mediate neighbourhood; it is not an
island in the ice, for there was not sull _i- __
oient ice in the neighbourhood to cool
your correspondent's wine; it is not covered with beautiful herbage,
but with mangy, rat-eaten turf; and there was not, on the 28th of
August, so much as a buttercup upon it.
YouR OWN CORRESPONDENT.

Riding the High Horse.
MR. COWPER, the First Commissioner of Works of Supererogation,
has been doing a little bit of his usual jobbery on the sly. He has
cut off a large slice of St. James's Park-all along the Birdcage-walk,
to make a ride for the rich. The park is not a large one, and the
restrictions as to where one might walk circumscribe its area; but it
was a favourite, healthy, and safe resort for nurses and children. Now
it will be dangerous, and insufficient. It is a great pity that a person
so utterly devoid of consideration for the humbler classes should be
vested with such despotic power as ME. CowPER possesses. So long
as his pet equestrians, anonymous or otherwise, are satisfied, he cares
nothing for poverty that gazes wistfully at the tannin spread where
erst sprang the green turf which was too often his only bed. We are
very proud of our nobility, MR. COWEmR, even in spite of the fact that
you belong to it, but we cannot consent to let them ride over us
everywhere!
HAT-TACHED TO HER.
A FASHIONABLE and gossiping contemporary says :-
A gallant captain, well known in sporting circles, is in the habit of wearing Ihis
wife's miniature in the crown of his hat. Could marital gallantry be carried further?"
Hardly. We should set it down as an elegant way of showing he
is over head and ears in love with her.

A TRANCE-o'TORY ArrAIR.-The dream of "place."


THE AMATEUR ACTOR'S SONG.
I'M an amateur actor, JACK JOHNSON'S my name,
And my fine elocution is blazoned by fame :
I play characters lively, and characters grave,
I speak low as wind's sighing, and yet I can rave-
Yes, I can rave;
I speak low as wind's sighing, and yet I can rave.
And through all the day as a builder I'm drest,
In white flannel trousers and jacket and vest;
In the evening I spout as WILL SiuAKESPEARE'S King Lear,
Or quaff the black draught that made Romeo fool queer-
I lake it in beer ;
But I've quaffed the black draught that made Romeo feel queer,
I've played as Macbeth, and I've played as Macduff-
I've cursed the vilo caitiff who cried, Hold, enough! "
My voice in The Strangqer emotion has stirred,
And 1 came out quite grandly in Richard the Third;
Yes, I often have heard
I've a beautiful figure for -ichard the Third.
I've done Henry the Eighth, I've played Hamlet the Dane,
I've been Louis the 'Leventh, and King Philip of Spain;
And as the first sovereign ambassador sent,
Now, on Saturday night there's one calls for the rent;
If my money's nigh spent
'Tis small good for that worthy to come for the rent.
I've been Cardinal Beaufort; as boasting Sir John,
I've the branching magnificent antlers put on ;
I've been Fabion doi Franchi, and thought 'twas no sin
For the part of Poor Louis" to boldly go in .
Give mo two onuts of gin
I'll play Louis dei Franchi, the marvellous twin.
I've done Julius Casar, as Brutus I've played,
In The Wife of poor KNOWLES a great hit, I have made ;
And once at my benefit, where it went well,
Did the same author's character-bravo William Tell;
And it wasn't a sell,
When your servitor humble played brave William Tell.
I've burnt all the charcoal grim Poynet" o'er made,
With him shown the wonders of Knaresborough's glad ;
I've slain Caleb Brown and I've shot Matthew Gray,
And I've given Miss Harrington (Edith) away:
Woe were awfully gay
When the grim Charcoal Burner gave Edith away.
But still, when I spout as King Lear or Macbeth,
One thought makes me speak with low 'lated breath;
And 'tis this, though I part my vasi 1. .1..,,, like Lecar,
Yet on Saturday night comes the ..11 I..r 11 booer,
And it makes one feel queer
When the landlord says, Settle this bill for the boor."
I'm an amateur actor, JACK JoIlNSON's my name,
And my fine elocution is blazoned by fame ;
I must lay down my sceptro, though playing the King,
For I hear at the door-bell the bailiff's harsh ring;
'Tis a very sad thing,
When you're playing the King,
To hear at your door-bell the bailiff's harsh ring.


TOO TRUE
ME. CHIARLES DICKENS has been roted for a fatal foreboding faculty
in his writings. The catastrophe of a :.'ii;,. house in one of his
novels ran so closely on an actual cailamnity ..I I I:' sort in London, that
carping critics declared he owed his inspiration to the "accident"
columns of the papers. His disavowal on that occasion will find con-
firmation strong in the minds of the readers of the September number
of Our Mutual Friend." The very words which he puts into the
mouth of the old woman who dreads the workhouse so strongly, so
fiercely, find a living presentiment in the subsequently reported case of
the unfortunate Miss JEFFREYS, whose inquest has lately, wo feel
sure, struck a pang to the hearts of its readers. Fact is not stranger
or stronger than fiction here-they are curiously at all fours with coach
other, and point to our present poor law as a blot on England in the
sight of GOD and man.

FOR THE REFLECTION OF THOSE WHlO SNEER AT THE PEOPLE."
-It's the foot that supports the head.









FUN.


[SEPTEMBER Z4, 10U.


AT THE LAKES
Indignant Piscator :-" THAT'S THE SECOND TIME YOU'VE DONE THAT, TOMKINS, JUST WHEN I WAS GOING TO MAKE A CAST! JUST'
DO IT AGAIN, AND BLOWID IF I DON'T COME AND PUNCH YOUR HEAD."


THE RHINE AND THE RHINO.
WHAT the dickens does the advertiser of the following want require
a mutual friend for ? he can buy one anywhere for a shilling, or ten-
pence:-
TmIE RIIINE.-WANTED, a Mutual COMPANION or Two to accompany the
Advertiser a Knapsack Tour up the Rhine, on the cheap." Apply by letter
to Tourist, care of, etc.
We should decline the company of a party who has so few intimates
that he is obliged to advertise for a companion for a trip. Perhaps,
though, his friends object to journeying in his knapsack (which he
seems to imply as their mode of travelling), so he is trying to catch a
stranger napping. We are inclined to think Tourist will travel not
only on the "cheap," but the "nasty."

Such is Life.
WE have seldom met with a woman so ingenuous in her confessions
as the lady mentioned in the following:-
As COOK and HOUSEKEEPER to Single Gentleman, or in house of business. A
widow, aged 30. Has lived two years in one. Cano give good reference, etc.
Any one who has "lived two years in one" must have lived rather
fast, and made the most of time!

ALARMING!
ON reading the following advertisement about "Dissecting Clerks "
ivwe felt terribly cut up, and are utterly puzzled to make it out:-
ISSECTING CLERKS.-WANTED, Two Youths, accustomed to the Drapery.
SApply on Saturday or Monday next, before ten o'clock, to, etc.
Why the youths should be accustomed to drapery we do not see,
for dissection is generally, like other sculpture, done in the nude. It
surely cannot apply to linen-drapery, for the skeleton petticoats of
that trade would need a constructive anatomist, not a dissector.


SHABBY ABBEY.
THE Illustrated Times, in speaking of the erection of a bust of the
late SIR GEORGE CORNEWALL LEWIS in Westminster Abbey, alludes,
very justly, to the large fees paid for the right to bury, or put up
monuments there. The Dean and Chapter are not so miserably poor
and under-paid that they cannot afford to abolish this iniquitous tax,
which, while it does not debar inglorious wealth, is only too often the
means of excluding struggling genius from a niche in the walls of the
national abbey. As, however, these grasping clergy -have not the taste
to relinquish so questionable a means of getting money (we know
how bad is the character of the house property belonging to them in
the neighborhoodd, it is time that the nation intfered and appealed
to the Legislature to abolish the disgrace.

SHUT UP I
WE are at a loss to understand the meaning of the following
words :
HUT-UP PORK-BUTCHERS to be LET, in a thorough business neighbourhood.
Over 70 per week was done last season. For further particulars apply, etc.
Are pork-butchers so brilliant at repartee that shut-up pork-butchers
are great rarities ? or is the allusion to their general open natures ?
We are inclined to think that it must be illegal to let pork or any
other butchers, being nearly the same thing as having them for
slaves.

THE MOST APPROPRIATE GEM FOR NAPOLEON'S CROWN-WHEN
HE GETS ONE.-Stratagem!
MosT CERTAINLY.-The colour of GARIBALDI'S shirt ought to be
held as a sacred one in the estimation of all patriotic Italians.
THE AMISER'S TRINITY.- s. d.


Printed by.JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, SO, Fleet-street, E.C.-September 24. 1864.


I








OCTOBER 1, 1864.]


FUN.


AT THE PLAY.
HE playgoer of the present day
ought to have strong nerves, for
SA they are likely to be severely
shaken before taken out of the
presence of modern managers.
Whilst the West-end is being
nightly thrilled by MR. VIN-
INe's startling presentment of
a house on fire, the residents on
the Surrey side the water are
being thrown, as the newspaper
reporters have it, into the
S greatest state of consternation
and alarm by MR. SHEPHERD'S
I ii i, -.* vivid representation of the burn-
ing of a ship at sea, and the
blowing-up of a magazine, which, judging by the extracts, contains an
enormous number of light articles. As if a conflagration depicted
with all the horrors of reality was not of itself enough to satisfy the
most voracious appetite for excitement possessed by a cis-pontine sight-
seeker, the manager has thrown an earthquake in. When the fiery
flames devour the main, or rather the don't re-main, deck of HER
MAJESTY'S vessel, the Minerva, a timid occupant of a seat near the
footlights may be allowed to exhibit a sympathetic apprehension of
danger without any imputation on his moral courage; but when the
whole stage appears to be torn up by the roots, and every bit of rock-
painted canvas is seen sent flying in various directions to convey the
impression of an earthquake in the tropical regions, it requires all the
oddity of a gorilla throwing a summersault every time he is fired at,
to bring the mind back to a tranquil state, and remove the strong im-
pression the spectator may receive of watching a frightful reality.
The drama in which these great effects are contained is called A
Fight with Fate ; and it may be satisfactory to those who insist upon
man's absolute free will to learn that Fate gets decidedly the worst of
it. The most remarkable features of the piece are the utterance of
passages from the publications of the Religious Tract Society by MR.
SHEPHERD; the circumstance of the low comedian, Ma. FELIX
ROGERS, being tripped up constantly in his hornpipe by the wrinkled
statheof the planks of a man-of-war, and the utter impossibility of dis-
covering why any personage in the drama adopts a particular line of
conduct in such a totally incomprehensible manner. Otherwise, the
piece is decidedly well constructed, especially by the scene-painter and
mech ani d those who like to be kept in a constant state of
trepidation to learn what is coming next, will not mind trembling for
the Fate that is so energetically fought with at the Surrey. The
scene shifts from the West of England to alonely island in the Pacific,
and back again, but the gorilla preserves the unities by constantly
doing a good turn, and reminding the wrecked passengers of their
native Somersetshire.
The simultaneous re-opening of the Haymarket, the St. James's,
the Strand, and Sadler's Wells, wlls, will more than counterbalance the
closing of the Olympic and the Adelphi, which establishments are now
in the hands of the decorators, who are busy with the inevitable white-
wash and paint-brush required to obliterate the marks of wear and
tear consequent upon the seasons of both having been unusually pro-
tracted. At one theatre the dreary comic opera of The Castle of
Andalusia gives us a terrible idea of the mild notion of fun enter-
tained by our forefathers; at another, MR. ARTHUR SIKETCLEY has
shown, by his clever comedy of How will they get out of it? how well
he understands the kind of humour preferred by the moderns; and at
the Strand a decided novelty called Ventilaton has been provided with
astonishing success. The effect produced on the public by MR. J. L.
TOOLE'S extraordinary acting in the piece called Stephen Digges will
be remembered as the great event of the month. It is fortunate for
all who think they have only got to see this clever comedian to be
made to roar with laughter, that he is called away for a time by his
provincial engagements. It will enable the metropolitan playgoer
longer to cherish a mistaken idea. Mn. TOOLE has caused, by his
mastery over the hearts of his audience, enough tears to be shed in the
theatre of which he has lately been the prominent attraction, to
remove every particle of dust that may cling about the interior, and
relieve the cleaners of more than half their trouble. No wonder that,
with the advantage he has thus been to the management, the lessee
avails himself of the circumstance directly, and causes the mops to be
brought in before the moisture has time to evaporate.
THE ODD MAN.

MR. ALFRED MELLON'S LAST WORDS AT THE PROMENADE CON-
CERTS.-Go(uu)od Night.


GHOULS AT THE GUILDHALL.
THE Police Court of Guildhall seems destined to gain an unenviable
notoriety as a circus for the trotting out of brutal oppression, and it
chances, singularly enough, that the worthy MR. ALDERMAN 11ALE,
while expressing his intense disgust of the duties imposed upon him,
is generally the magistrate perforce compelled to countersign the
demands of vermin who come before him, earnestly desirous to be dis-
graced in the eyes of every one who has the slightest sense of decency.
Not long ago we had a beautiful evidence of this in the case of a
man called TIREBUCK, who ground down a sick apprentice in the
very savage machine of his (TIREBUCK'S) humanity; but that worthy
will feel considerably relieved in his mind, or miserable in his mind,
as he likes, when we inform him that we look upon his refinement as
wretchedly poor by the side of the fine-drilled article proffered by a
MR. EDWARD WEST, abetting and abetted, by some noble beings
trading under the name of POWELL AND Co. A MAs. SAMUEL SMITH
has a boy, an only child, who wishes to go to sea ; the mother yields
and advertises, desiring to apprentice her one darling; receives a
reply from a Mn. EDWARD WEST, who asks 20 in order to bind the
boy to MESSRS. POWELL AND Co.; mother agrees, but cannot pay
all the money down; pays 11, and gives note of hand for 10;
"the only son of his mother sails in one of the vessels belonging
to POWELL AND Co.; ship is wrecked eight days after, the crew lost,
"the one child" lost with them; whereupon Mn. EDWARD WEST sues
for the 10; poor mother anxious to know if she must pay the cost
of the writ, 3, in addition to the admitted balance. Let us hear
MI. ALDERMAN hIALE:
li Mt. ALDiEKMAN AI.LE.-Well, I do not envy then their feelings. I have hoard a
great many things, but never a more severe ease tlhiiu this. 1 dto not wet huow I a('il
assist you fil tiher thai to rlequct tis attendance of Mit. W'ti t, wtho may be able, to
explain tile matter.
RoOE (the sumllolling officer) having contltunicated to MLit. WEisr, that gentlenimn
attended.
Mit. ALDERMtAN ItALE then explained the nature of the application.
MR. WEar.-This money was paid at Mt. POWELL's office, and I have nothlitig
further to do with it.
Mil. ALDItMAN IlAI.i.-Allow me to say it is a very harsh and cruel proceeding.
MR. Wins.-I quite agree with you, sir; but it is on Mil. I'OWELL'S part,
not mine.
MR. MARTIN (chief clerk).-Why the writ is issued at your suit.
iMRt. WEST.-Yes, it is; but iMn. PowmEi, has handed me the bill, because he
owes nie the money, and that is the reason that my linamle appears in the writ at
issued by me."
We hae heard of transparent humbug, but surely a more exqui-
sitely crystal specimen than this of Mra. EDWAED WEST'S never
came before the public. We should have thought ought that it was the
easiest thing in the world for WEST to give POWELL acquittance for
the 10 before the writ was issued; or supposing that POWELL AND
Co. issued the writ before the indignant and humane WEST know
what was coming, we are unable to see what dillioulty there was in
demanding from the bereaved mother the mere cost of the legal
instrument while forgiving the cause of its issue. A wild Indian,
Australian Aborigine, Zulu Kallir, ilottentot, &c., &,c., would probably
have regarded &ven the latter alternative as tolerably brutal; but as
times go, we do not expect such consideration from WESTS and
iOWELLS. So we must be merciful to their amiable weakness for
hunting down mothers who have lost only children.
In justice to MR. WEST it must be stated that oven his metallic
character of visage did not lead him to demand the cost of the
writ; but he took the 10 from a mother whose only child was
drowned.

SPIRITUAL DESTITUTION.
WE observe that there has been a National Convention of Spirit-
ualists at Chicago-it should be re-named Clhicanery after that-
which lasted for five days, and was then adjourned. Messages were
received from deceased personages "from EvE downwards," we are
told by their reporters. Such a conjunction of knaves and fools as
this must have been it would be dillicult to conceive, and wo can,
therefore, only regret that when the adjournment took place one-half
did not adjourn to the idiot asylum, and the other half to the gaol. If
wo could get rid of all the dealers and believers in this impious
quackery as easily as this, we think the world would be all the better
for the sort of "Spiritual Destitution" so produced.

DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
THE Times in the dull season has been first CUMMING and then
going into the subject of ale. In short, in the absence of the editor,
who is probably engaged in performing valet-able services to LORD
PAL.IEUSTON down in the country, we have had the positive bee"
and the comparative "beer." As soon as he returns to London we
shall naturally have the superlative.


01, V11. -










22 F U N [OCTOBER 1, 1864.

i


CLERICAL CONVERSATION;


THE CURATE GRIEVANCE.
SCENE.-A Bishop's Study. .His Lordship soliloquisetTb.
"How very fortunate! the living of Wobbley-cum-Skew vacant.
Well, well, all flesh is grass, and the rector was an old man. 'Twill be
just in time for that estimable young man, my nephew. (Muses.)
Dear me what an unlucky circumstance to think that my dear rela-
tive is only just in orders. I fear me his appointment to so large a
preferment will afford a handle of scoff to the ungodly, but I care not.
Misinterpretation is the lot of all true benefactors of their species, and
whom does it behove a man to benefit more than his own relations ?"
(Enter man servant with card.)
"Show the gentleman in. Doubtless some worldly-minded candi-
date for the vacant living."
(Enter a clergyman The Bishop blandly reading the card pre-
sented to him by the servant)-
THE REVEREND THOMAS THOMSON, I suppose P And to what,
reverend brother, am I indebted for the pleasure of this visit ?"
REV. T. T.-" I called, my lord, about the living of Wobbley-cum-
Skew, just vacant. If not already promised, I hoped your lordship
would allow me to lay my claims before you."
BIS OP.-" I regret, dear brother, you should have put yourself to
this trouble, seeing that the vacant living is already promised."
REv. T. T.-" But, my lord, the late vicar died but yesterday."
BISHOP (with severity).-" Your haste in thus seeking to obtain the
reversion of our dead brother's income seems, sir, to me to be some-
what indecent. It would have been more fitting to wait, sir."
REV. T. T.-" But, my lord, since you have already promised it,
some other brother must have been not only more indecent in his
haste, but also more successful in his application.
BIsHor.-" Such observations, sir, display a mind ambitious of the
good things of this world, and as such it behoves you to check them.
Take pattern by me, sir."
REv. T. T. (looking round the apartment and mentally appraising the
various luxuries scattered about).-" Ah, my lord, I wish I could."
BISHOP (not perceiving the sarcasm, and feeling flattered at the
observation, continues his reprimand in a milder manner).-" Yes, my
brother, beware of worldly ambition ; it is a snare to be avoided by all
good Christians. Think no more of this living. I intend to bestow
it on a most worthy, though youthful, light of our church. I mean
my nephew. Charity, you know, begins at home."
REV. T. T. (at once perceiving the hopelessness ofhis chances under the
circumstances).-" Good morning, my lord !"
BIsnoP.-" Good morning, reverend brother." (He folds his hands
as one that has done a meritorious action, calls down a private blessing
on his own episcopal head, and the scene closes.)


Rhymes on a Cumming Work.
Dn. Ci~MaXo's work on bee-kneping, aboutto be issued in complete form, will
be made the subject of hostile criticism by some of the best naturalists of the day.
MR. TEt IRenti n, perhaps the best authoritv on the subject, is prepared entirely to
demolish the doctor's statements."- Vide Daily Papc s.
IT seems that a certain Bee-Master
Is likely to meet with disaster,
For it's clear that one TEG
Will take down a peg,
This very erroneous fore-caster.


A New Paper Duty.
IT has been discovered that paper does duty better than wood as a
cover for the iron sides of our Warriors. It resists shot more ef-
fectually than timber-at least so report says, and we are inclined to
believe it. We feel sure that any ship coated with copies of TUPrEn's
"Proverbial Philosophy" would be invulnerable, for nothing can get
through that.

LUX EVERYTHING.
THE Russians have discovered a submarine lamp, which has been
tried at Cronstadt, and found to answer well. It is too much to hope
that our Admiralty will adopt so evident and unmistakeably useful an
invention. They will naturally endeavour, as long as possible, to avoid
throwing any light on their doings in the deep.

TRUE.-Those who "sow wild oats generally reap a crop of tears."
MC1LTeM IN PARBo.-The soul in the body.


SPEKE.
DIED THuRuSDAY, 16TH SEPTrSS 1864.
SOUTHWARD to unearth a secret
Kept six thousand years ;
Onward, onward, one of England's
Boldest pioneers.
One with high determination
Held in perfect drill;
Working out a fixbd purpose
Grappled by the will.
Up the highway of a river,
Coming silently,
With a broad, mysterious volume
To the Syrian Sea.
Girt with courage of the Saxon-
Strideth on a man,
Breaking down great walls of hindrance,
As a Briton can.
Type of an immortal precept
That hath ever stood
As a beacon to the nations-
English hardihood.
Tracking down the Ethiop stream line,
Resolute to win
Access to the hidden chamber
Of its origin,
Throwing back great waves of peril
Rising in the way;
Out upon the sea of venture
Valiantly he lay.
Captured by the fierce SOMALI,
Wounded, scorched,and bound,
By a lance his very muscles
Nailid to the ground.
Still the storied, bull-dog valour
Of'the island race,
Taught him how to dash his fetters
In his captor's face.
Up he springs to tear the cordage
From his swollenhands;
Girds him for escape-his bold blood
Dripping on the sands.
Manly, sun-burnt features settled
To an infant calm-
Lo he sleeps beneath the heavy
Shadow of the palm.
Head upon his arm-the north land
Visited in dream;
While the shafts of tropic fire
Tremble on the stream.
Home from many a close-locked wrestle
Where grim death did press
Hard upon him as he journeyed
Through the wilderness.
Home to meet the grip of welcome
From an English hand;
Home! to find his deeds of daring
Famous in the land.
Home I his triumph by a people
Countersigned and sealed;
Home to find the spoiler waiting
On an English field.
From the gable of a farm-house
Curl the wreaths of smoke;
Through a copse, the sunlight quivers
On the browning oak.
Past the underwood and flowers,
Murmureth the burn;
Past a shattered body lying
On the tangled fern.








OCTOBER 1, 1864.] F U N 23


Gentlemanly Employment Wanted."
IT has always been considered a good joke to tell of some out-
rageously ambitious youth who advertised his desire to be "apprenticed
to a gentleman of property, to succeed him in the business." But,
seriously, those who will take the trouble to glance over the advertise-
ment columns of any of the daily papers will see that there are
actually people who have the audacity to publish equally preposterous
desires. As a rule, the advertiser is a "gentleman," and describes
himself as of "independent means," which may be translated that he
means to be independent of the usual means by which a man gets his
living-hard work and industrious patience. We cull a few of these
flowery requisitions from the columns of our contemporaries. Here
is an instance to begin with, whioh is not a very violent form of the
disease:-
A GENTLEMAN OF INDEPENDENT MEANS, conscientious principles, and of
active habits, being an idle man at present, would be happy to get some
EMPLOYMENT, six or seven hours daily. A-dress,.ete.
We can hardly believe in a person.of independent means wanting
six or seven hours of work, especially ,afler tasting 'the sweets of idle-
ness. Such a phenomenon must possess-very strong conscientiouss
principles" indeed. By the way, does net his coascienee prick him,
and do not his principles feel shocked at :the idea that it is possible for
a cursory reader to suppose that he puts:forth the .fat of being an
idle man" as a proof of his "active habits,?"
Here's another specimen, somewhat more strongly, developing the
wants of a gentleman:-
A GENTLEMAN, with 4800 or 900 ,a yearn ofnative habits, being an idle man
at present, wishes to increase :his income and get some MiPLO YMENT. Holie
would, therefore, be happy to take charge of the propertyTofany gentleman who is
going abroad with his family, and would only require. a ood;frnished house, with
two horses (one for saddle and one for harness), as a remuineratiol for his trouble.
Address, COLONEL C., care of, etc., etc.
COLONEL C. (not COLONEL CRA.LEY, we suppose) is really a most
modest man. What a truly delightful "'employment" for a man of
"active habits," to live in a good furnishedihouse," andtake exercise
with two horses (one for saddle and one for harness)."' We should
say that any gentleman going abroad," and!thus enabling the colonel
to "increase his income," would be a "nincom" himself, and ought
not to be allowed to go abroad, at all events without a keeper.
But even COLONEL C.'s moderationis surpassedLby the promulgator
of our third quotation :-
A GENTLEMAN, an Officer's Son, very well connected, who has capital, aged 32,
Single, wants a GOOD INCOME, in London, or elsewhere, in the nature of a
sinecure. Address, in strict confidence and honour, P. M., etc., etc.
There is something peculiarly outspoken in this. There is no
affectation of active habits" by this gentleman, who has capital,
aged 32, single;" a species of capital which we should be inclined to
describe as not only single but singular. We fancy P. M., or Post
Meridian, will have to get up a little earlier before he gets his wish.
If all the people in London, or elsewhere, who would like a good in-
come in the nature of a sinecure, were to advertise, the papers would
not hold them. We can't help thinking that, with so many applicants
for the situation, P. M.'s chance is rather small. Still we respect his
candour, and add in all sincerity that-we wish he may get it. And
we would ask further, doesn't. he wish he may get it ?


MARITAL MAXIMS.
BY A PERFECT BRUTE.
SoFT words butter no parsnips, but a new bonnet presented to a
wife will cover a multitude of her husband's sins.
Grievances and babies were both made to be nursed, and a fair
division of labour lighteneth toil; consequently the sagacious husband
will take charge of the first, and leave the second entirely to his
wife.
Never place temptation in the way of the weak: loose half-crowns
left in marital pockets overnight are apt to vanish before the
morning.
Business is a convenient cloak, which, judiciously used, may be made
to hide a number of stolen pleasures.
The simplest cure for persistent cold mutton is to dine in the city,
and deduct from the house-money accordingly.
A latch-key is the married. man's symbol of freedom; consequently
secure it, if possible, in the honeymoon.
Never make vague promises to a wife; give a woman an inch of
promise, and she requires ten miles of fulfilment.
A soft answer may turn away wrath, but a good round expletive
will often clench an argument wonderfully.
Lastly,-Never attempt to stop a woman's tongue; talk is as
necessary to female vitality as the air she breathes.


PHOTOGRAPHIC FUN;
OR, THE INCONGRUITY OF CARTES BEFORE HORSES.
IN this metro absurd one CHARLES MATHEWS I've heard
Tell the whole of a vision seraphic-seraphic ;
But his jumble's not near so eccentric and queer
As the ones in the shops photographic-ographic.
There's MB. JoeiN EHrli is shouldering MULLER,
And SPURGEON at PATTi'islteering-is leering;
PAM and BLONDIN hob-nob, and the best of the job
Is that DIzzY at BLONDIN.is sneering-is sneering.
SAM of Oxon, TOM SAYERS, and'two or three players,
Are all cheek by jowl like hail-fllows-hail-follows!
And there's sweet PRINCEss MAr is-smiling on lRiEY,
Till the male British public grows jealous-grows jealous !
There's LINCOLN so grim, and PAUL BEDOuRD next him;
And LoanD 4OHN and Tom TuMni as a pair, sir-a pair, sir.
There's MR. Ba .aw, andione HOMER, who's a do;
Da. CUoMING, and.ST.EAI the fair, sir-the fair, sir.
There's CARLYLE, fine oldchap, next the EMPEROR NAP,
And Gnisi.ooquetting-with BANTINO-with llANTING.
J. L. TOOLE to-the BoMj MR. GLADSTONE, and Copx
The R.A., is an .interview granting -view granting.
The great NEWMAN HATL beside BUCKSTONE looks small.;
LYDIA Ttoarsoex:appears to be winking-be winking
At BISHOP CojENso (tho~fun is intense, oh),
And LORD WARED at- I Iss RAINIHAM stands blinking-stands
blinking.
HENRY NEVILLE, LORD GREY, and SIR LANDSE R, R.A.,
All eye GARIBALDI, that great man--that great man.
The DUKE OF ARGYLL seems on iHEsNAN to smile,
And SKETCHLEY is ogling Miss BATEMAN-MIss BATRaAN.
I could run through a score of such sights, if not more,
Which to art photographic we owe, sir-we owe, sir;
For unless you are used you'll be sadly confused
By celebrities all in.a row, sir-a row, sir.
With such thoughts in your head you'll be going to bed,
Where instead of a vision seraphic-seraphic,
Your sick fancies will breed a strange olla podrida
From the windows of shops photographic-ographic!


A New Company.
THE Tories are scheming so vigorously and incessantly to ensure a
chance of their coming into power next session, that we fool sure they
will be grateful for a hint which may be made available at once. Now
that agricultural meetings are in full swing, suppose they enrol them-
selves as a company, with limited ability, for "the p.r......i of
medals and corduroy trousers among the deserving rural population."
It is an old plan of theirs to reward a man for a life-long service of
honesty and industry by a pair of breeches bestowed upon him before
a crowd of his wondering fellows, and a well-bred circle of the upper
classes, who stare at him as if he were a wild beast. We have no
doubt that such a company would succeed admirably with MR.
NEWDEGATE as secretary, and MR. DISRAELI as chairman.

CLUB LAW.
WE observe that a Civil Service Club is one of the shoal of now
clubs that have sprung up under the statute of limited liability. Front
our experience of the Civil Service," as a part of the general public
compelled at times to visit Government offices in search of informa-
tion or redress, we should say this social institution would not be a
very sociable one. We could, without much difficulty, frame a set cf
rules that would suit it. For instance, when a member is reading the
paper and a visitor enters the room, the member is to complete
his perusal of the journal, then turn to the waiting visitor and ask
superciliously "what he wants ;" on learning which, he will add,
" It's nothing to do with me-the servants will show you where to go."
Members must also treat all persons not members as if they were
suffering from congenital idiocy, and didn't know what they wanted.
A few more rules of this sort would form a capital code.

BEER DOCTRINE.-NO wonder the cry of "bad beer is again
being raised, when M IBANTING publicly tells us that as soon as we
get stout we ought to adopt his system of reduction.
CLASSICAL.-Had CEBERS a "shock-head" of hair ?










24 F' T OCTOBER 1, 1864.


PRIVATE THEATRICALS.
Stage Manager :-" I SAY, ROBINSON, YOU'LL HAVE TO HAVE A MOUSTACHE FOR ALONZO.' "
JRobinson :-"-WHY YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO SHAVE DID YOU ?"


AGRICULTURAL MEETINGS.
A SONG OF THE'SEASON.
THIS is the season of the year
When all the country seeking,
Our M.P.'s constantly appear
At public dinners speaking.
Sheep, oxen, pigs, and patent ploughs
Become their grand excuses,
For making with the Government rows,
And pointing out abuses.
At agricultural meetings, where
The managers deluded
Lay down the rule that "Politics
Must strictly be excluded."
Each mute M.P. that gave his vote
And meekly sought his lobby,
Now swings his arm and clears his throat,
And then trots out his hobby :
And apropos of sheeps and cows,
Though silent all the session,
He makes with Government fearful rows,
And calls it a digression.
For agricultural meetings won't
Have themes like these intruded,
Because their rule is-" Politics
Must strictly be excluded."
The Opposition musters strong,
And finding its own level
Among the farmers, sings its song,
We're going to the d--.


Freedom and Progress and Reform
Spread daily- direful harmers ;
The tempest lowers-when bursts the storm,
What will become of farmers ?"
At agricultural meetings thus
Is Tory pitch exuded
Although the rule is-"Politics
Must strictly be excluded."
Oh! heavy Agricultural Mind,
Absorbed in crops and cattle,
Don't blindly follow leaders blind,
Or heed their twaddling tattle.
They can't put skids on Progress wheels,
With all they're mighty bragging;
But know, she won't tread on your heels
Unless she finds you lagging!
At agricultural meetings thus,
Should Folly be denuded-
'Twon't break the rule that "Politics
Must strictly be excluded !"

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
IT is stated that three Spanish ladies have entered their names as
professional bull-fighters. They are described as inhabitants of
Murcia. Well! all we can say is "the quality of Murcia is not
strained," if this is the refinement to be expected from it. We trust,
however, there is no truth in this rumour-that it only comes from
chateaux en JEspagne-for it is (S)pain to hear of such a want of
feminine tenderness !
A QUESTION FOR BROTHER IGNATIUS.-HlOW'S your poor throat ?








F JU iN .-OCTOBER 1, 1864,


_---


WHAT WILL HE DO WITH IT?
Walley :-" OH, PLEASE, SIR, I'VE COME ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND TO GIVE YOU THIS
YACHT, AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I AM SUCH A FOOL, PLEASE?"










F U JN.


I


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LAUNCHER AT THE PUBS.
WHEN Ms. TENNYSON, some years ago, wrote some rather inferior
lines about the Volunteer movement for the Times, he observed in the
heat of composition-
"True; we have a gallant ally,
But only the Devil knows what he means."
He modified-or I might say re-deuced-the last line subsequently to-
"But only himself knows what he means."
The publication of the despatches connected with the late war in the
Duchies by the Danish Government gives us additional reason to
approve of the original reading. Our gallant ally in his idleness at
the time of the campaign was supplied with "lots of work" by the
personage who "finds some mischief still" for gentlemen so circum-
stanced to do. It comes out now, to the great disgust of France, who
is virtuously indignant at Denmark's wtnt of diplomatic tact in thus
rushing into print, that Prussia was supported by the Emperor, and
would in case of need have received "material" support from him ;
in other words, if England had interfered she would have found herself
confronted by Austria, Prussia, and France! There is something so
dishonest in this policy, that I think we may fairly apply to the hero
of the coup d'Itat, with the alteration of one letter, the description
given of another tyrant:--
"Ahand of steal ina velvet glove."
While I am on foreign topics I may as well vent a long-subdued
growl, which I have inwardly cherished for some period, against the
diplomatic system-or rather, that one of its regulations by which a
useful and high-principled representative at a foreign court may be
removed from his post in 'deference to the intrigues or freaks of a
foreign ministry. I understand that the notorious BISMARCK has
been plotting the overthrow of SIR ANDExW BUCHANAN, and that
there is a chance of the withdrawal of that excellent public servant
from Berlin in consequence. I suppose -the truth is that our ex-
plenipotentiary in Denmark discovered Danish sympathies in Prussia-
,as I hope every Englishman would have done. But surely such honest
independence ought not to bring about a seeming disgrace at the
instigation of a person like this BiSMAbr Ce. The British nation has
daily greater reason to regret that t he lot of the PRINCESS ROYAL
should be cast among such people .as the Prussians.
WHAT a sad death for poor SPEKE. He was a gallant fellow,
whether he discovered the source of the Nile or no. It is strange that
after passing through suh such imminent perils among the African
savages, he should return home to be killed by his own gun while out
for a day's shooting. If you remember, another great African traveller,
BRucs, in a similar way escaped numberless dangers in the same con-
tinent, and came back to England to meet his death by slipping down
a few stairs in his own house. I was particularly struck, by the way,
withhe generous and manly conduct -of CAPTAIN BURTON when
SPENE's death was announced to the Association. The testimony
borne to SPEKE's worth by his quondam opponent is one of the
highest and most honest tributes that tributes that could be paid to his memory.
PEOPLE seem to be dribbling back into town. The theatres are
beginning to open.
WHAT a cheerful calculation is that to be seen in a weekly contem-
porary, where it is given seriously and in good faith. It enumerates
the cost of LORD FITZHARDINGE'S foxes. It seems that M!mASTER
hEYNARD and his family are fed upon rabbits, .and the conclusion
arrived at, according to COCaER, shows that the expense of supplying
the vulpine table, at ninepence a rabbit (onion sauce not included), is
over thirty-eight pounds a week! It is impossible to help pausing
rather gloomily over this. I picture to myself the people who starve
to death in London streets-the homeless, friendless wretches that
have no shelter but the canopy of Heaven, no bed but the bare stones.
And one nobleman is spending nearly forty pounds a week in fattening
vermin! Was there ever a better illustration of the memorable
sentence with which grand old THOMAS CARLYLE wound up one of
his pamphlets ? After describing the host of evils to be remedied in
the country, and pointing out whose duty it was to see that they
should be remedied, he asked what those whose task he had indicated
were doing ? "Preserving their game." This nobleman goes a step
beyond this, and shows a sympathy with vermin. I would place this
simple but significant fact before that amiable but most useless and
impotent body the Social Science Association, and should much like
to hear them discuss!

NEVER DESPAIR.
THE very obstacles to fame
Are stepping-stones unto the same.


OcroBER 1, 1864.]


iv


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITH.-The North Sohlesawigers don't seem altogether to appreciate
their probable absorption into Germany.
BRowN.-No ; such is the perversity of thohuman mind.
SMITH.-In fact, their idea of freedom seems to be freedom from
German rule; and not unnaturally, considering the specimens of it
they axe daily provided with. And yet, say what you will against the
Germans, no one can deny that they are particularly perfect in one
thing.
BnowN.-And that is ?
SMITH.-Well, theprinciple when practised on a pocket handker-
chief is called thieving, but when applied to provinces diplomatic
eupheuism calls it occupation at first, and annexation when completed.
BROWN.-Did you see how enthusiastically BISHoP COLENSO was
received at York, when DR. LIVINGSTONE lectured ? I doubt if ho
would have received so warm a greeting from his fellow prelates in
convocation.
SMITH.-Very likely not; but that is easily to be accounted for by
the excessively hard nature of the nuts he has given them to crack,
and which they so strenuously object to cracking; and then, too, you
see, DR. COLINso occupies so abnormal a position.
BROWN.-11ow so ?
SMITH.-Why, few bishops, especially Palmoerstonian ones, are
scientific men, and no scientific men are bishops, while the Natal
prelate is, to a certain extent, both ; hence their non-appreciation of
his doctrines.
BRowN.-How nobly the penny daily papers have done their duty
in the MULLER business. No pandering to the morbid curiosity of
the public to know all the details of the supposed murderer's actions
while in prison, how many times he sneezed, what he had for dinner,
what books he enlarged his mind with,-nothing of that sort-oioh, dear
no; the cheap week-day teachers were quite above that kind of thing.
SMITH.-Well, there are groat excuses to be made for them : first of
all, it is the dull season; and secondly, and most important of all, they
were fulfilling the great Latin maxim, Pen quoeunque m odo, reing.'
BROWN.-Or in other words, the disgusting pandering to the morbid
curiosity of the mob-paid.
SMITH.- Just so. Newspaper proprietors must live, you know.
BROWN.-You remember the answer made by TALLEYIBAND to a
similar observation, "Je ne vois pas la n92ecessitd."

MERCY, MERCI!
A SPRING-CART belonging to the Sisters of Mercy, at Liverpool, las
knocked down COLONEL TATE, the American Consul at that town,
and broken both his legs. This is an instance of the balin of the
righteous breaking one's head. What right has Mercy in a spring-
cart, we should like to know? It would have detracted somewhat from
the beauty of his character if the good Samaritan had run over the
object of his charity before be relieved him. We would suggest that
the Sisters should select another vehicle for their beneficence, and drive
a little more carefully, for we don't in this form desire "to have
mercy upon us" as we are crossing the road or turning a corner.

Two Sorts of Recognition.
RUMOUR, says that Austria is about to recognize the kingdom of
Italy. We hope and trust not, for the only recognition Austria would
accord to that kingdom would be to recognize its body" as a sort of
continental coroner's inquest. And Italy isn't dead yet, and we trust
will long survive.
Very Much Wanted.
WE see that "a bazaar in aid of the Churces E education Society,"
is announced to take place somewhere in Ireland. We trust it will
be a success, for the object is excellent. To judge from th religious
riots at Belfast, we should say all the churches in Ireland stand in
sore need of education.
MORE IDEAS.
THE French having gone to war in Mexico for an idea, as usual,
have thrown their fancy into the substantial form of a couple of
splendid silver mines, which they secure by right of conquest. One
of them is called "De duz." We should think, considering how they
got it, the French had better christen it Do win."
MEMENTO MOOR-I.
A CONTEIMTORARY gravely says that "the prices of moors are going
up very fast as the leases fall in." Why, of course, the rents will be
moor rather than less.








[OcTOBER 1, 1864.


28 F UN.


OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT OUT FOR A HOLIDAY.
COMING HOME.
OU will remember, my dear FUN,
a that when you last heard of your
(V correspondent he was fainting, as
hard as he could, after a fatiguing
SI glacier excursion. He has made
three or four other glacier excursions.
9 since then, and the conclusion that he
has arrived at is this: Glaciers are
of two descriptions-those which are
utterly impracticable, and those which
no man in his senses would, under
any circumstances, venture upon.
This being the state of the case, and
the weather having been extremely
unsatisfactory during the last three
days, your correspondent made up
his mind to give up scaling Mont
Blanc, and flee to other and fairer
climbs. Mont Blanc is, as I have
already observed, the monarch of
mountains, and that is the reason, I
suppose, why we get so much of his rain.
The road from Chamounix to Martigny over the Tite Noire re-
sembles nothing so much as a low stone wall that has been washed
down by a heavy Welsh flood. It is composed principally of loose
boulders, and is pleasant walking. The journey between the two
places, however, is generally accomplished on a mule. Your corres-
pondent did not start from Chamounix under agreeable circumstances.
It was pouring with rain, and he had no overcoat; he was mounted on
a sloping, slippery mule, which gave one the impression that it was
trying, for a wager, to look as much like a greyhound as possible; and he
was accompanied by a surly guide, who bored him. He relieved himself
of the latter nuisance by sending it on in front, and lagging behind,
himself, in order to increase the distance between them, but in so doing
he erred, for the thin and sloping mule, as soon as it found itself alone in
your correspondent's society, proceeded to exhibit an eccentricity of
behaviour which, as no other earthly end was answered by it, must
have been intended to prove to
him that whenever the mule and
his rider were at variance it would -
be wiser for the rider to give in.
It would frequently take it into its
head to stop fQr a quarter of an
hour, during which time no beating
with thick sticks appeared to affect
the animal at all. He, who had
passed hideous lumps of rock in
the road, without taking the
smallest notice of them, would
pretend to shy at a pebble, and such
.symptoms of decided insanity set
in, that your correspondent trem-
bled to think of what was to
become of him, left as he was in a rocky desolate country, fifteen miles
from anywhere, in the custody of a maniac mule, one of whose pecu-
liarities is exhibited in the initial to this chapter.
After a ride of fifteen hours or so, your correspondent arrived at
Martigny, and the next day he reached Geneva once more. He has
heard an intelligent friend remark that the real attraction of foreign
travel consists in the pleasure a tourist feels in leaving a town, and he
has come to the conclusion that his intelligent friend is right. At all
events, one of the principal pleasures of Swiss travel consists in leaving
Geneva, especially when it is done in company with a GAZELLA, in
whose society one is to travel all night long. From Geneva to Paris is
about fourteen hours-your correspondent knows this by the time-
tables, but had he been so situated as not to be able to consult those
perplexing handbooks, he should have put it down at three-quarters of
an hour, such was the wiling influence exercised by a GAZELLA over
a foreign correspondent for a comic paper. As the night drew in,
GAZELLA became supernaturally wakeful and communicative, to the
great joy of all the other passengers, who, being extremely anxious to
snatch an occasional wink of sleep, were much pleased with the dear
girl's entertaining rattle. As station after station was reached, pas-
senger after passenger disappeared into other carriages, until we were
left alone. When I say "we," I of course include old GAZELLA, whose
presence gave a sanction to the whole thing. I am convinced that it
would never have entered the pure imagination of the younger


GAZELLA to have
chatted all night
with your corres-
pondent as here
shown, if her re-
spected papa had
not been present
to see that all was
right. The dear
old man is re-
presented below.
GAZELLA and your
correspondent had
each laid in a stock
of TAUCHNITZ
light reading,
wherewith to while away the tedious hours that must elapse before
they reached Paris, but Paris found the TAUCHNITZES still uncut.
Your correspondent is bound to admit that
sitting up all night in a railway carriage does
not tend to improve his GAZELLA's appearance.
When the only light that lit her up was the su n
flickering and uncertain light of the carriage
lamp, she looked as bewitching as ever; but as
the cold grey of the morning light gradually '
prevailed, her skin became less clear, and her .
eyes more dim than when we started. Her hair
also was rumpled, and she had not cleaned her d t
teeth. She was very tight and trim when she
entered the carriage, but her appearance at
Paris was characterized by an unsatisfactory bag-
giness, which surprised your correspondent more than he can con-
veniently say, and suggested nothing so much as the casual snapping
of a metallic stay-fastener. But half an hour spent in an apartment
in a useful hotel near the Chemins de er ds Nord, in company with a
shiny black bag, set all to rights, and GAZELLA emerged clean as to
her teeth and unruffled as to her hair.
The road from Paris to Boulogne is remarkable for being the most
uninteresting line of rail on the face of the wide, wide world. The
only objects of interest are a tree and a cow, placed alternately all
along the line, and the buffet at the Amiens station. Your corres-
pondent could not help contrasting the condition of the refreshment-
room in question with that of corresponding establishments in Great
Britain and Ireland. You will see no Bath buns in it, and the festive
Abernethy is unknown within its halls, but there are delicate and
appetizing soups, and there are pretty little patties and sandwiches of
peculiar sausage, and there is beautiful coffee, and twenty minutes to
drink it in. This judicious concession to the requirements of the
hungry traveller astonished your correspondent, until it was brought
under his notice that he was travelling on the Clemin de Per du Gnaw.
Boulogne once more! Capecure bridge, 1Htel des Bains, Merridew's,
the cake shop on the Port, the British h8tel, Christol's, and that of
Angleterre fly past your correspondent as he drives to the Alexandra,
homeward bound from port of Boulogne to that of Folkestone. It is
rough, and ADMIRAL FITZRO has predicted a gale, but your corres-
pondent cannot get out of it. He makes up his mind for the worst,
and he gets it. He has his own theory about the best part of the
vessel in which to indulge his weakness, and finding it disengaged he
places himself as comfortably as the dreadful circumstances of the
case will allow. His favourite spot
is immediately aft of the lee pad- /
dle, where he can gaze upon the
shaving lather,whichhe finds has
the effectof somewhat distracting
his attention from the painful .-.-
circumstances with which he is C ~ -
surrounded. But-ah, he!-that
was the very spot selected by
the crew for discharging from
time to time into the foaming
ocean the contributions of un-
seasoned passengers, and this
had the effect of bringing mat-
ters to a climax. He went to
the forepart of the boat, which
was comparatively deserted, and
there he was found by GAzEarA,
who does not suffer, He flatters
himself that he deceived that fairy thing, for he saw her coming, and
so she caught him whistling Libiamo," but not whistling it well.
Uncertain as to how long this appearance of rollicking health could be








OCTOBER 1, 1864.] F' U N. 29


maintained, he thought it would be prudent to remember that he had
left his railway rug in the chief cabin, and go and fetch it. So he
staggered off.
He will pass over the circumstances of the reading the address by
the Mayor of Dover (who put off in an open boat for the purpose),
for he is not fond of speaking of himself, or of the honours which he
is accustomed to receive from corporate bodies. A numerous deputa-
tion from the townsfolk
and visitors of Folkestone
was present at the landing
stage, but whether that ',-c |
was a special honour in-
tended for him alone, or
whether gentlemen in
telescopes, accompanied by
ladies in bronze boots, are
a customary feature- of
landing at Folkestone from
Boulogne, your corres-
pendent is not in a position
to say. The journey to
London was performed in
the usual manner, but
your correspondent was pained at the idea of the coming separation.
If the reader imagines that your correspondent alludes to the coming
separation between himself and the discerning public, that reader is in
error. He is always pleased to have done with the discerning public,
for whom he has no particular regard. The separation he alluded to
was that that must, in a few minutes, take place between him and the
fairy girl whose society he has been enjoying for the past seven
weeks. That is what he means, discerning public. :'. '
He was not. pleased to find that the prospect of
speedily meeting one FaiDsERICK, who was not her
brother, and to whom no previous allusion had been
made, appeared to afford her great gratification, and
his grief was not mitigated on discovering that
"FEEDERIcx was a person of martial form and bearing,
and not the sort of FREDERICK who would be likely
to stand much of your correspondent's nonsense.
Your correspondent had spent the last half hour in
framing a significant form of farewell, and had come
to the conclusion that "Well, good-bye, Miss GA-
ZELLA-may I say good-bye, EDITH?" (for that was
her Christian name) would be a neat way of putting
it, and he had further decided that her probable reply
would be, "I cannot help what you choose to call me
-GEORGE But so absorbed was she by contem-
plation of the tall warrior, that your correspondent did not dare to
make use of the significant form of farewell, so, of course, she had
no opportunity of making the significant reply suggested. In
point of fact the adieu dissolved
itself into the following duet:-
Y. 0. C.-Well, good-bye!
(maestoso)-he! he !
His G.-GooD-bye, MISTER
-he! he! he!
Not a card! She was walked
off by the martial man, and her
papa left your correspondent
without a word, to see to the
examination of his luggage.
Not so much as a card offered !
No hint as to their address!
GAZELLA and your own corres-
pondent have parted for ever and aye!
These are the last lines your correspondent will ever pen. He is
writing these from the waiting-room at Charing-cross station. Heo
gathers that his action is energetic and his ap-
pearance wild, for the porters seem amused. He )
is about to die! Remember him to your other ~.-y-
contributors. Perhaps GAZELLA may read this '
He fears he is getting disconnected, so will at once ..
concl-he-o-o-o-o-w!!!

SIR,-JAMES BILLINGS respectful compts he is -' *'
a porter at Charing x and I take the liburty of ,
sending you a droring which he took of an un- j
fortnight gent as told me he haild from your office
.he died peculier as regards attitude and thinking j
you might like to ear the hend of him I take the
liburty of enclosing the enclosed. *'


JAMES ISILLTN5S, P'orte'r.


QUID EST CARITAS.
WHO does not remember the howling claniour which greeted the
Chancellor of the Exchequer when he ollffered to touch the charities
of London ? The tumult was so great that even the courageous
GLADSTONE was a little startled, anil thought it best to make a retreat,
which lie did in so masterly a speech, that it almost turned the scale,
and changed a defeat into a victory. Men of observation, who had
their attention thus drawn to the subject, will have kept an eye on
it ever since. They will bear us out in the assertion that time has
amply proved all that the Chancellor said. The monstrous abuses of
the great charities seem by some fatality to have rushed into fatal
prominence since the withdrawal of ME, GLADSTONE'S measure.
But there is another subject which has also been brought into notice
of late, and which also proves the soundness of the great statesman's
judgment. The papers for the last few weeks have been crammed
with instances of the ill-working of friendly societies. Here a number
of women jangle, and rob one another's families of hard savings in a
manner utterly unworthy of Sisters of Progress. There a publican
bolts with the funds of a benefit society, whoso benefits have mostly
been exclusively his. Now a bubble company bursts and swoops
away the earnings of the labouring poor, the widow's mite, and the
orphan's tiny inheritance. All these instances cry aloud for the
speedy adoption of the measure which MB GLADSTONE proposed.
The excellent working of the Postal Saviigs Bank is a suffllicient
guarantee for the mode in which the work will be done. The cases we
have quoted are ample evidence of the necessity of the immediate
realization of the plan.

A Fact Funnily Figured Forth.
THE Mayor of New York had a daughter,
Who tumbled one day in the water,
In the port of New York,
Up and down like a cork
She bobbed until somebody caught her.
For a naval United States officer,
As soon as his coat he can doff, is her
Saver, and bears
To the yacht's gangway stairs.
Don't you think him deserving a trophy, Fir?
But the Mayor of New York says, says he,
"Take this for preserving of she."
And a cheque the youth collars
For ten hundred dollars-
How dear the Mayor's daughter must be !

FOLLOW YOUR KNOWSLEY.
ON the eve of a general election, Englishmen naturally begin to run
over the accounts presented by the opposing parties in Parliament,
and come to a decision as to which shall have their custom. At such
a time we would draw the attention of the working-classes and all true
Liberals to a paragraph now going the rounds of the papers, descrip-
tive of "an affray with poachers at Knowsley Hall," the seat of
LORD DERBY. This little reminder of Game Law stringency on the
part of the leader of the Conservative party will, we trust, ensure a
few votes-but not for him!

CHACUN A SON GOUT."
THE official Diario of Rome recommends those who are afflicted
with gout to pray to a certain ST. TurnsIus, a canonized lawyer.
Without going into the question of probabilities as to the chances of
a lawyer's ever attaining to the place which saints are supposed to in-
habit, we would point out the folly of advising people to let them-
selves be taken in ioe by a gentleman of the legal profession. We
should be inclined to pronounce the remedy to be worse than the
disease.

Killing' with Kindness.
WE read in a Scotch paper that the COUNTESS or BREADALBANE
most generously entertained all the children between the ages of fivo
and sixteen-one hundred and ninety-five in all-in the district of
Killin, and gave them an excellent dinner. Yes But don't you
think, considering the number of births there must be in the place,
it is not so much like "Killin'" as "Bringing-to-life ?"

WHEN is a melancholy man like an unbelieving Jew ? When he's
sad, you see (Sadducce).







[OCTOBER 1, 1864.


FUN.


Miss Gusher :-" OH, MR. DE
ITS BOSOM "


TREASURES O.F THE OCEAN. -r
SPOONS, HOW FULL OF POETRY IS THE OCEAN-WHAT UNTOLD TREASURE IS HIDDEN IN 't


De Spoons (who rather thinks lie is entering into the spirit of the thing) :-" OH, YA-AS, ]XACTLY, SUCH LOTS OF SHRIMPS
AND PERIWINKLES, YOU KNOW! "


AN ALPHABET,
ESPECIALLY DESIGNED FOR THOSE OF RIPER YEARS.
A is America's apple of discord;
B is "Brute BUTLER," who well has earned his cord.
C stands for CONGREss, which don't thrive in this land;
D stands for Denmark's devoted and brave band.
E is an Emperor few men believe in ;
F is that France he makes "Liberty" grieve in t
G GARIBALDI-the brave and true-hearted!
H is the hurry with which he departed.
I indicates Italy, biding its time;
J stands for the justice denied to its clime.
K KAIsAR (or king, whom VON BISMARCK excites):
L lame, limping logic (that EARL RUSSELL writes).
M Madagascar's resurrectionist king.
N stands for NAPOLEON, from whom intrigues spring.
0 indicates Orangemen (rather aflamer").
P Premier PALMERSTON-plucky old PAM !
Q QUIXOTE DISRAELI" (expunging the "DON") ;
R-eform-that's one windmill he rains buffets on.
S stands for Soapy (of Oxford the Bishop).
T for the Treasury-GLADSTONE can fish up."
U Unbounded love for the QUEEN of this isle,
V ICTORIA on whom long may Providence smile
W stands for WISEMAN-to be the nexl POPE.
X this you'll eXcuse my attempting-I hope!
Y that's You, my dear reader, master or miss !
Z stands for the Zany that don't admire this.

THE COWARD'S ARMs."-His legs.


DREADFUL NEWS!
A STORY is going the round of the papers which describes the awful,
death of an ass which was hanged by becoming entangled in a swing,
which had been erected on a common at Roydon, near Ipswich, during :
some festivities. The tale is told with various degrees of mirth and
joking, but we are inclined to view it in a more serious light. When
last we heard from our amiable and intelligent contributor, MB. M1. F.
T-PP-n, he informed us that he was "going down to take his swing
in the country." We have heard no news of him since !

Working Men's Exhibitions.
WE are very glad to see that the South London Industrial Exhibi-
tion, which was such a success under the wise patronage of MR..,-
GLADSTONE, has set the North Londoners trying for something of
the sort. A similar collection of works will be exhibited at the Agri-
cultural Hall, at Islington, shortly, and shall have our warm sympathy
and support. These displays of skill and labour are far more credit to
the working man than the exhibitions he makes of himself when he
allows himself to be humbugged by wet nurses, into Penny SHAKE-
SPEARE Memorials" and similarly badly managed bungles.

AN EPIGRAM.
(DEDICATED TO JUSTICE WILLIAMS.)
SAID a justice, a dangerous illness while in,
"Hang BANTING ideas! I'll be bound
That as long as I live I'll not try to get thin-
That is, if I ever 'get round.'"
EAU WHERE, AND EAU WHERE !-" There has been a frightful
fire," we have just read, at Vichy." Well, then, we should like In
know what the Vichy waters, we hear about, are worth ?


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78 & 61), Flee-streect, and Published (for the Proprietors)by CIL.RLES WHYTE, at the Office, SO, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 1 1821.









OCTOBER 8, 1864.]


IF TU N.


THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
(SECOND SERIES.)
CHAPTER TII.
SEC. 1.-CoNCERNING ACTRESSES.
Plays aux Dames! "-Polite French Remark.
.---- T has suddenly occurred to the Comic Phy-
siognomist that although he has in a previous
chapter trotted out his good friends the
actors for his readers' entertainment, he has
entirely omitted all notice of those charming
j. m ladies who did so much to astonish him at the
age of twelve, to make him miserable at
.li eighteen, and who do so much to amuse him
at the more mature, but still not too mature,
age at which he has now arrived. The C. P.
was ever a warm and unflinching supporter of
1. the legitimate and illegitimate drama. If
there is an author he prefers to SHAKESPEARE,
it is JOHN MADDISON MORTON ; and if
there is an actor who can amuse him more
than MR. CHARLES KEAN, it is MA. TOOLE. His great mind is equal
to any emergency, and he can interest himself as deeply in the
domestic difficulties of Box and Cox as in unravelling the thrillingly
interesting plot of that absorbing work, the first part of King Henry
the Fourth. He does not join in the universal howl about the decline of
the drama, for he has been to see the Castle of Andalusia," which,
he is informed, belongs to a class of play which was pre-eminently
popular when the stage was in its most flourishing condition. He is
perfectly contented with everything, and would not hear of any altera-
tion in anything for worlds. He would be sorry to see such stage
abuses as exist done away with, for he is an admirable critic, and what
becomes of the critic where all is excellent ? Neither, for similar
reasons (mutatis mutandis), would he hear of banishing all excellence
from the British stage. In short, he is an optimist, and in the best
possible temper with everything and everybody, so the fascinating
creatures whom he is about to anatomize may rest assured that his
analytical scalpel shall be manipulated in the tenderest manner.
Indeed so keenly sharp shall it be, that only those whose nerves are
of the most sensitive of all possible descriptions shall so much as feel
that it has entered them. There are few middle-aged ladies now on the
stage whom he has not adored at earlier periods of his (and their)
existence, and even now he cannot hate them very bitterly. His
first stage love was a young lady who played the most unimportant
of all possible parts, in the most trivial of all -possible farces. He
loved this young thing, notwithstanding the humble and unintellectual
nature of her professional position. But the young thing in course of
time advanced in her profession, and in ten years or so emerged from
the chrysalis condition of "EMILY (with a song)," to that of that
full-blown butterfly MRs. STEENHOLD. However, one can't have
everything, and as the young thing's professional position improved,
so did the C. P.'s attachment for her subside, for the young thing was
becoming round. Ten years later-that is to say, next week-she is
announced to play MaR. MALAPROP, and the old lady in the Ticket of
Leave Man, to a provincial audience. So the C. P. will be pardoned
if he withdraws the small remaining balance of that earnest affection
which he placed at the young thing's disposal twenty years ago, but he,
nevertheless, cannot look upon her altogether with indifference. The
love has gone, but a sort of sentimental respect survives, which shall
exercise its influence whenever he is called upon to criticise her.
SEC. 2.-CoNCERNING SOME ACTRESSES ENCOUNTERED BY THE C. P.
"How doth the little busy bee."-Inappropriate Quotation.
THIs is the leading lady. This is
LADY MACBETH, the Queen mother,
and KATHERINE OF ARRAGON. She is
nearly forty, and is buxom. The stately
ruins of a magnificent CONSTANCE, the
splendid overgrowth of a beautiful
JULIET. A good-tempered, sociable lady
out of her profession, but a very devil
in it. A lady who can command, but
who seldom does, in her private life, but -
a lady who has everything her own way
in her public phase. She has probably .
married ajeune premier at an early stage
of their respective existences. There
are youths who still love her-dissolute
young libertines of sixteen who see no
obstacle to the success of their suit, in
the fact that she is very married


indeed. They still cast bouquets to her, and if it is any satisfaction
to them that she smells them publicly with a pleased smile (for her
teeth are beautiful), they are perhaps repaid for their trouble. People
wonder where the bouquets come from, for although an excellent
actress, and probably a very good woman, she is rather past the bouquet-
receiving age.
This is the singing chambermaid. It
never was the C. P.'s good fortune to
encounter a singing chambermaid in
private or hotel life, so he is unable to
apply a realistic test to this young lady's
performances. Most hotel chamber-
maids are gaunt and forty, but then
they do not sing. She is very lively, and
extremely rude to everybody except her
young missus and the captain (with both
of whom she is on the most intimate
terms). She loves JOHN, who is plain
and homely in appearance, but intelli-
gent and comic in disposition. She has )
red hair. Although ostensibly engaged (1
to him, she nevertheless treats him
unkindly, and although by no means
prudish as a rule, invariably boxes her
lover's cars when he embraces her. She
has a neat leg, and does not hide it
under a bushel. She is greedy of comic
business, and when she is on the stage
everybody knows it.
Here is the burlesque lady. She is the
PRINCE PRETTYPOPPET, of dissipated
but frank and genial disposition, with
whomwe are all so intimately acquainted.
You are astonished to find that so
girlish and epicene a young man as the
prince in question is such a prodigy of
valour and of strength, for his legs,
though admirably formed, are not mus-
cular, and his voice, though delightful
in the abstract, is a soprano. His back
hair too is voluminous, and his corm-
plexion impossible. But this astonish-
ment vanishes when the burlesque lady '
is known in private life. You can
then understand her attempting any
achievement you choose to set her, and
you feel sure that she will accomplish it.
She has a dash and go about her which
are absolutely convincing, and she is,
withal, an admirable domestic manager,
for she often contrives to keep her
brougham (and a well-appointed one,
too,) out of her three pounds a week.
This is the old lady. She is not a
pleasant old party, as a rule, for she
often takes snuff out of a piece of paper,
over the strings of a chronic widow's
cap. Besides, she is authoritative and
captious, and gives more trouble to
authors than the rest of the company
put together. She has played everything
in her time, from JULIET to columbine,
and iit fond of recounting her provincial
triumphs. Notwithstanding the widow's
cap, the 0. P. is not sure that the old
lady ever married, but if there ever
existed an excuse for that widow's cap,
the excuse must have taken the shape of
a big drum.
Here is the sentimental farce young
lady, whose function is usually to look ,!
pretty in white muslin and blue ribbons,
to be adored by a bad old-and to marry
eventually a good young-man. She is
often an usually-we mean, she is usually 4- -
an orphan-and is superintended by a
fierce and uncompromising guardian, who has but one vulnerable
point. The being called "Guardy" in a wheedling and circum-
venting manner has a curious influence on this strange old man, and
enables the farce young lady to do what she pleases with him. The
farce young lady is often remarkable for having commenced her career


VOL. VTT. D


31









FUN.


[OcToBER 8, 1864.


as OPHELIA or JUaiXT, at a large metropolitan that
great burst of advertisement. Of course the press w
because the press are all for everybody, but hopeless
had its way at last, and the pretty nonentity found her
Right and left are members of
-- the ballet. That on the left is
in a position to dance pas seuls,
and is, consequently, very ugly.
It is a curious dispensation of
Providence that whereas most
coryphees are pretty, the principal
danseuse is extremely plain. On
the right is a humbler ballet
girl. She is not romantic in her
appearance, and is remarkable
". principally for the elaboration of
her coiffure as contrasted with
the seediness of her general
attire. She is often a very good
girl, working bard with her
fingers all day, and equally hard
with her toes all night. She seldom rises to any
dignity, but generally retires from the stage, and wind
in the capacity of a dresser, having married an orchestra
to this chapter represents her in the latter phase of h
existence.

A MYSTERY.
Sin,-I am not superstitious, but I have seen some
quires explanation. I am a member of a well-known
the bottom of Salisbury-street, Strand. Being a literary
all day at my disposal. I spend it at my club. But i.
window between the hours of one and four p.m. I see t


What does it mean ? Who is the cabalistic man ? -W
to these statues? He appears to be reading the Teleg
but thit is bathos. It is very awful. Excuse jerkim
troubled. This appears very full-stoppy. Never mind
A wild-looking boy rushes down Salisbury-street.
the fiend. The fiend looks alarmed, collars the wor
down the steps into THUlSTON'S billiard manufacto
the fiend emerges, and rewards the wild-looking boy w
papers. There is a smell as of brimstone. It is over
I write. IHa! I can no more! Can you Unravel
Yours,

A PERSON or TAKING M.ANNERS."-A thief.


re, and with TOWN TALK.
era all for her,
incompetence BY THE LUTCHER AT THE PUBS.
level. THE Leeds Bank failure is developing those social charms which
seem inseparable from money matters on a large scale. A MR.
SMARSDEN, an ironmaster, had obtained by means of forged bills and
a facile cashier no less than eighty thousand pounds, and set off at
once to America to recuperate," leaving his miserable accomplice
as a SKAiFE-goat. This injured being pleads that all he did was for
the benefit of the absconding ingrate (his brother-in-law, by the way),
and that he did not'touch a penny of the money himself. This is
very improbable, but if it be true it only makes SKAIFE'S case worse,
because he must have swindled for the mere sake of swindling, and
not for either need or greed. A propensity to felony for felony's sake
is a symptom of moral disease which calls for a very sharp cure.
What a strange fatality attends these money frauds How few of
their perpetrators succeed, or succeeding, contrive to elude dis.
cover for any length of time. Even those wretched beings who are
s, prosperous in their roguery for a time, are most unenviable. Million-
-= aires of the moment, felons of the future, they must be perpetually
Terpsichorean haunted by doubts and anxieties. Will one of them be kind
s up her career enough to write us his experiences ? His book would do immense
.s T he initial good, and prove more convincingly than any other sort of work
a. professional could, that he who takes cas alieni sacrifices his own comfort.
er professional
PooR SPEK was buried down in his own county the other day,
and I am glad to see that EoTHE KINGLAKE, M.P. (himself a
Somersetshire man) has taken steps to place a bust of the traveller in
the town-hall air Taunton. But-and I say it with all reverence for
thing that re- the dead-I trust that the natural sorrow we feel for so untimely a
literary club at loss will not mislead us, and induce us blindly to write down SPEKE
y man, I have as the discoverer of the source of the Nile." CAPTAIN BURTON,
f I look out of in a manly and delicate way, has reminded us that we must not lose
his- sight of an important geographical question in order to pay honour
to a courageous and enterprising explorer. It would be very un-
pleasant hereafter to have to expunge the title from SPEKE'S monu-
ment, should the great question be otherwise solved; whereas, if his
theory be shown correct, history will grave the words deeper hereafter
-'., than sorrowful sympathy can hope to do now. A props of BURTON,
I am glad to see he has a respite for awhile from consular duties, in
order to pursue further discoveries. Any one who has ever set eyes
J} on him must feel how reliable he is with his frank, piercing
eye, firm mouth, and bold front. I wish him all speed on his
travels!
SOME ladies of Canterbury have, I see, been trying to erect a statue
of the worthy dean, DR. ALFORD, but he has modestly put forward
,_ the Black Prince as a proxy. The dean really deserves a statue for
.' 71. starting the "Queen's English" controversy. What our lang-uage will
become in time if something be not done to protect its purity, good-
I ness only knows The press is, to a terrible degree, accountable for
its depreciation; even the Times' leaders teem with gross blunders.
As for literature- especially the novels-the language is awful!
'I* K.'4 Imagine what is likely to come to pass by-and-by, when wi have even
now a piece advertised as "Past Friends up a Tree; or, How to Shave
the Governor." To understand it one needs the Slang .!.iitionary,"
^ which, by the way, is a capital book, teeming with quaint and useful
|, *information. It will be "one of those books without which no gentle-
iI man's library is complete," if we have much more in the style of
S'ast Friends up a Tree." (By the way, perhaps I ouvl]t to mention
that this piece is not by the author of "Troubled 1 1. ., or the
S Family Secret," though it is humorous enough to be from ihe same
p en.) While I'm on the subject of books I may as well note that a
S __ .' '' who wrot a coarse satire called the" Season" is about to
S_ -r_ ..r '.. world again. The new book isto be quiet and respectable,
.--- the satirist having been civilized by the ex-member of the GAREICK,
: so that his manners in society are sure to be good.
I SEE that the Admiralty has found a congenial spot for the open-
hat is he doing ing of a School of Naval Architecture and Marine Engineering."
raph to them; Where could that great JonB, the Admiralty, find a better site than at
less; but Iam South Kensington, where Jon's comforters do so abound? The
demolition of the Exhibition barn must have had rather a depressing
He speaks to effect on the watching FowKEs and COLES. They must have fancied
lId, and rushes that the explosion of the powder used to bring down the arches was
ry. Presently symbolical of the "busting-up" of the South Kensington Do. But
'ith a bundle of this new accession ofjob-masters must be quite exhilirating, and they
lowering me as must feel that the reign of Humbug and Jobbery, instead of being
this mystery. over, has only just begun, now that the Admiralty and the Boilers
have met together, and "my lords" and SnR WtETWOrTTi have kissed
ATTONITUS. each other. More snug posts for sons-in-law, more nice things for
nephews, additional rooms for relatives South Kensington must be
in a glow of delight.









OoTOBER 8, 1864.]


FUN.


Old Mother Times and the Tittlebat of Fleet-street.
Ix motley dress, false wig and teeth,
Reputation shady,
Upon the right of Ludgate-hill
Hangs out a tough old lady.
"The Times, my dear, the Times, my dear,
Is quite an institution;
Oh, lauk-a-daisy dearie me !
What terrible confusion
Would come upon this wicked world
If I was not upon it:"
And as ehe spoke, she gave a clutch
Of terror at her bonnet.
In her old ken, it was a shame,
And he forgot his duty,
Who looking on her brazen phiz,
Was stolid to the beauty.
For years she cackled out her claims,
And nearly all believed 'em;
Notwithstanding which, a few
Hadn't quite perceived 'em.
They couldn't find that if she scowled,
Opponents must be shaking;
They couldn't feel that every one
Was in an awful taking,
Who didn't think the only chance
Of honour or salvation
Was to regard old Turn-her-Coat
A pillar of the nation.
The fashion came to dignify
Her shrieks as tones of thunder;
As besoms metaphorical,
'Twas often quite a blunder.
She certainly had done some good,
About abuses legal;
And social questions-there we'll say
Her influence was regal.
Let the old party have her due,
No honest man will grudge her
What she deserves, or, out of spite,
Unfairly kick or nudge her.
But as to politics, poor thing,
It really, now, is cruel,
When we remember how we all
Have given her her gruel.
How we have said she made herself
The journalistic varmint,
Who kept herself in lots of cash
By turning round her garment.
Declare a thing one day, and then
Without a blush deny it;
Declare a Ministry was bad,
And then next day upery it.
Declare the country wanted change,
Then tell the counter story;
Stick to the Whig, and then next week
Coquetting with the Tory.
Feeding a Cabinet on pap,
And then-her crafty vision
Observing symptoms of decay-
Dandling the Opposition.
Picking her steps through muddy roads,
With nods, and winks, and chuckles ;
Stopping a little, now and then,
To wipe her dirty buckles.
And when they called her naughty names,
She grunted, "Lank it's funny,
They talk so queer-why, bless your heart
That's how I make my money !"
And so she did for many years ;
But presently her capers
Were made less chirpy than before
By horrid penny papers.


At first the old thing whisked about,
And scornfully she snorted;
But, by-and-by, when she was not
So absolutely courted-
When she discovered that the world
Might really move without her-
That millions bought the penny imps,
Who rapidly grew stouter-
When less and less-though still in wealth-
Collapsed her bags of stumpy-
She found the travelling not so smooth,
The ground was getting lumpy.
They hit her hard, and never would
Reply this ancient sinner;
She bore her wrongs in patience, though
Her competence grew thinner.
And, doubtless, 'tis a noble thing,
And saves a deal of bother,
To be abused, and lose much cash,
And never make a pother.
Yet thus to lead the Fourth Estate
Was rather bad example;
'Twere wonder if we had not got
An imitative sample.
A little further to the west
We find a dwarfish creature,
Who, in a cheaper line, affects
Metallic hue of feature.


A hungry imp, who, day by day,
Cuts down the reading matter;
Pooh what of that P-it helps to make
The advertising fatter.
With self-sufficient stilty strut,
He lectures all his fellows
With blasts just like-well -what might be
Expected from a bellows.
Should he be silent, then there is
No light upon the topic;
Hark stupid all, just hear him sing
The heavy philanthropic.
No matter if he change his tune,
Of course he is superior
To childish qualms ; consistent broad
Is not for his interior.
The frowning judge who doth condemn,
Discovers 'tis convenient
To flirt the other little flag-
It's better to be lenient.
"Well, to be sure, we did say more
Than any of our brothers;
But that's a trifle-just look hero,
We'll say it was the others.
"It's better to be well prepared,
We don't know how it may go;
What'll ye have ?-the spiced or mild ?-
Here's currie, and hero's sago."

Observe the Yacht-itude I
THE M.P. for Peterborough is commissioned to go to Caprera to
present to GARIBALDI the yacht which has been purchased for the
great general by public subscription. We wish the task had been
placed in other hands for many reasons. It must even be distasteful
to MR. WIIALLEY himself, for he will be compelled to travel in the
direction of Rome. However, as he is to be employed to lay the gift
at GARIBALDI'S feet we would suggest to the general that in return-
ing thanks for it he may as well allude to the M.P. gracefully in the
words of the poet-
The Wi'AL .xY lay smiling before me."

AN AUSTRALIAN OVA-T[ON.
TrHE Melbourne papers are triumphant over the success of the fish-
hatching, and are chanting poems (perhaps we should say, indulging
in salmo.dy) over the young fry. The little strangers are to be con-
signed to the river Yarra where we trust iho Australians will find
nothing to mar the par they owe to the mother country.


33


33









[OCTOBER 8, 1864.


T1, N.


A VISITATION.
'Pastor:-" You DON'T ATTEND THE PARISH CHURCH NOW, MRS. DYER."
.Pa rishioner:-" LORAMASSBTLESSTHEMAN, NO! GOOD REASON WHY. THE LAST TIME EVER I WOR TO CHURCH I KETCH'D
THE DREADFULLEST browngarters (P BRONCHITIS) AS EVER YOU SEE, AND I'VE A HAD 'EM EVER SINCE-AWFUL!"


IN WINTER- BY-AND-BY.
A PLEA FOR THE NATIONAL LIFEBOAT SOCIETY.
ROUND many a seaman's cottage
Loud wails the autumn breeze;
Sad presage of the winter's gales,
And of the winter's seas !
Low growl the angry surges
That thrash the rocky shore ;
Along the coast in winter time
How will those breakers roar!
Wild overhead the cloud-drifts
Speed fast across the sky;
How inky black will be the rack
In winter-by-and-by !
How will the wild winds bellow I
How will the surges lash !
How will the livid lightning-gleam
The gloomy heavens gash!
How will the hapless vessels
Before the tempest fly,
Mid whelming seas and hungry rocks,
In winter-by-and-by!
Then inheach tiny cottage
What anxious hearts will beat!
What anxious eyes will strive to pierce
The driving snow and sleet !


What trembling children's voices,
Beside the mother's knee,
Will call on Heaven to give its aid
To father out at sea!
While as she bends above them
The tears will dim her eye,
At every louder blast that comes
In winter-by-and-by !
Heaven help our gallant sailors,
When loud the tempest raves;
And Heaven bless those who help them, too,
And launch the boat that saves.
Loud let the breezes bellow-
Loud let the breakers roar-
The lifeboat with its noble crew
Is putting out from shore.
Safe to the little cottage
That stands beyond the foam,
Safe to his wife and little ones,
It bears the sailor home.
And many hearts shall gladden,
And many eyes be dry,
To think that lifeboats are afloat,
In winter-by-and-by !
Men of the land of seamen,
Sons of the Norsemen old,
Give to support this glorious fleet
Your silver and your gold !


9 x








F _U N3S -OCTOBER 8, 1861.


\\~, /
\~I >~,


"7- 7


THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS.
Clara:-"I TELL YOU 'JAQUES' SAYS YOU CAN'T CROQUET. CAN SHE, AIR. DE JONES?"
Ada:--"'ROUTLEDGE' SAYS I CAN CROQUET. CAN'T I, MR. DE JONES ? "
De JTones (who ha. fallen victim to Captain Mayne Reid"):-" YES, YOU CAN'T-NO, SHE CAN. CALL AGAIN NEXT
WEEK-I'VE ONLY GOT TO THE 443RD RULE-HA! HA! [Exit De Jones to Colney JHatch.









OcToBER 8, 1864.]


FU N.


And as the year is closing,
By Christmas firesides warm,
WJhen round your happy homes you hear
The howling of the storm-
When .like the voice of ocean
Is heard the wintry breeze,
And every thought instinctive turns
To those upon the seas-
Then shall the aid you render
Now to this mission high,
Bring you the peace of good deeds done,
In winter-by-and-by!


THE SOCIAL SCIENCE CONGRESS.
MY head's in a whirl, and my hair's out of curl,
On my words I can scarce place reliance, reliance,
For my brain's agitated with all that's been stated
At the York Social Congress of Science, of Science.
Such strange things I've heard, both new, true, and absurd,
Such speeches and theories abnormal, abnormal,
For the regeneration of total creation
By means philosophic and formal, and formal.
LORD BiOUGHAM from the meeting received a. warm greeting,
As in language both able and pleasant, and pleasant,
He begged first to mention and draw folks' attention
To the fact that the waiter was present, was present.
Then each called for their drink, though what each had, I shrink
From naming, the task is a hard'un, a hard 'un;
But SPURGEON confessed that the pipe he liked best,
As a clergyman was a churchwarden, churchwarden.
PADDY GREEN, on his head, next a short essay read
On chops and mosaic cosmogony-mogony,
And proved there existed, though savants had missed it,
A connection twixtt malt and mahogany-hogany.
Then rose HERR VON JOEL, and said BAPTIST NOEL
Had annexed all his grog on the quiet, the quiet,
When Tom SAYERS in soft tones swore he'd break all their bones
If they offered to kick up a riot, a riot.
MoNSIEUR DROUYN DE LHUYs said he couldn't stand this,
For such goings on really were awful, were awful;
But the EX-QUEEN OF SPAIN remarked she would maintain
That the Mormonite doctrines were lawful, were lawful.
Next came MR. WHALLEY, saying he knew the valley
Of schemes formed for Papal aggression, aggression,
And that DR. MANNING was even now planning,
To urge CARRY PARKES to confession, confession.
This aroused Mu. BRIGHT, who was ready to fight
Any man for a lump and a dozen, a dozen ;
And at last in a fume he retired from the room
To see the American cousin-can cousin.
Ma. COBDSN observed that he never had swerved
From his principles long since forgotten, forgotten-
And said WATLING'S pork pies, though the fact might surprise,
Were a substitute famous for cotton, for cotton.
To show next that he was from prejudice free,
DEAN CLOSE read Don Juan in tones mellow, tones mellow-
Voice and accent so true, that straight MR. BELLEW "
Engaged him to come out as Othello, Othcllo.
But Miss STELLA COLAS said she'd tell her papa,
Who was certain the matter to take up, to take up,
And referred him to VINING, the offer declining
To help him as Hamlet to make up, to make up.
LORD STANLEY then rising, began by surmising
They'd all read the works of LAVATER, LAVATE ;
Who deemed it no sin to perform on his chin
HERR vON BEETHOVEN'S Moonlight Sonata, Sonata.
With applause all were loud, but apart from the crowd,
In a corner E. CHADWICK was cursing, was cursing,
Because none would pay heed while he offered to read
Some notes, by a busman, on nursing, on nursing.
In his mammoth balloon, just arrived from the moon,
Mu. COXWELL with TUPPER was larking, was larking;
While Tom MATTHEWS stood by with a tear in his eye,
The scene through a lorgnette remarking, remarking.


Then by way of amusing, and also infusing
Into the proceeolings variety-riety,
At least 'twas with that hope, a few feats on the rope
Were done by the Bible Society-cioty.


What came nixt ? Ah! of course some select tours deforce
MR. BABBAGE performed on the organ, the organ ;
And the famed JOEY JONEs played a hymn on his bones,
While LORD SHAFTESBURY tossed ith D N MoIRGAN, DE MOoRAN.
At the end of the room, dressed in classic costume,
To the Times DE. CUMMING was writing, was writing,
To declare 'stead of bees, he industrious fleas
Would rear on stewed ginger and whiting, and whiting.
At the door a loud thump made the members all jtunmp
From their seats-'twas a message announcing, announcing,
That the Stratford Committee requested their pity,
And in future all poets renouncing, renouncing.
Then up sprung MR. PHELPS, and, in rage, said, Who helps
These worthless impostors are traitors, are traitors;
They my Hamlet refused, and my acting abused-
For assistance from me they'll be waiters, be waiters."
Having said, he sat down, and an ominous frown
His fine features o'erspread ; but the matter, the matter
Was settled and squared, when FORBES WINSLOW declared
That each actor was mad as a hatter, a hatter.
On the tips of his toes HEPWORTH DIXON then rose,
And observed, though his faith might be shaken, be shaken
In SHAKESPEARN, yet fired by the fame le'd acquired
He'd ne'er cease to put butter on BACON, on BACON.
At this point SIR R. MAYNE said 'twas his to maintain
And support-begged in accents pathetic, pathetic,
For his helmet; and heating, declared to the mooting
'Twas on principles formed quite mstheltio, csthetic.
Next he asked leave to mention, 'twas all his invention-
Here a voice interrupting cried WALKER, cried WALKER ;
And bland SIR GOWRGE GREY then proceeded to say
On such statements he must put a corker, a corker.
The Congress then ended, and bcdwards all wended,
Though some talked in serpentine manner-tino manner,
And Carlisle's pious dean was seen reeling between
Inspectors KmtEuEssY and TANNER, and TANNER.
For myself, from the room off I rushed, to LonRD BIooilAm,
Said good night, who was mixing fresh toddy, fresh toddy,
And implored me to stay, bul, home bout my way,
Fatigued both ii, mind and in body, in body.

"Riflemen, Form!"


IT will be seen by the London Gazelltte that the 5lth Ross-shiro
Volunteers have been struck off the records of the War Ilicec, and
will henceforward e e'so to hold any number or designation in the
county force. These disbandniiens, it, will be observed, are becoming
rather frequent-uwe have had three in as many months now. It
surely behoves tho.o who take an interest in the movement, to U eep
a sharp look out, and try lo organize some combination which hall
realize the bundle of stiks (no offence meant to co mmanding officers)
mentioned in the old fable. ...', and by degreeo.-, the corps catn be
officially annihilated; consolidated into a corporation, they can resist
the red-tapists. VI e have for a long time past implored volunteers to
look after the interests of the movement, and shall continue to do so
until we see stops tIken to provent this insidious de(ciiation of a
noble army by a few pri;ggish Pall Maull clerks. VWe, therefore, most
earnestly repeat the words of the Liureate, and in calling on the
volunteers to combine for protection, bid them
It Form, 1nflcuiin, form !"

BREWERS OF MISCHIEF.
IN the report of Mn. PHILLIPS, the principal of the laboratory of
the Inland Revenue Department, we find it mentioned that licensed
brewers are in the habit of using poisonous subttances, such as
cocculus indicue, to adullierato their beer-and thlat they use it in
dangerous quantities. Mr. PIiLTiI,'s in a mild way suggests that it
might be desirable to make public the names of thosc persons who are
found guilty of poisoning their beer. We should say it is not only
desirable but necessary. Those who vitiate the great liquid nourisher
of England at its fountain-head deserve most stringent measures. In
Constautinople the fraudulent baker is nailed to his own doorpost by
the car. We might do something of the sort with the murderous
brewer. It would be only fair to head him up in one of his own hogs-
heads, and feed him on his own beer through the bunghole.


:37'


I

I









1[OCTOBER 8, 1864.
19 UJ i~ L ,


.5,


The Very Image of his Papa,
YOunqg Hopeful:-" MAMMA, DEAR, WHO'S THAT MAN ? "
.Fond Mamma :-" HE'S A GENTLEMAN HIGH IN THE CHURCH..'
Young Jlopful :-"DOEs HE RING THE BELLS THEN ?"


A VOICE FROM THE DREADNOUGHT.
I's a jolly roving tar, fearing neither wound nor scar;
But it happened t'other day, laid up in bed
In the sailors' hospital, which the Dreadnought still they call,
Though it's now the Caledonia instead,
That I seemed to have a fancy-I was thinking then of NANcY-
That it wanted but the notion set afloat,
To get for those from sea, who come invalids like me,
A better sort of berth for such a boat.
We have hundreds here aboard, where the Dreadnought ship is moored,
Who are deafened by a clamour all the day,
From hammers on the shore, which keep up so loud a roar,
We can scarce hear what the doctor's got to say.
And some fifty years ago our fine river wasn't so
Unpleasant to the eye or to the nose ;
Then of real country air one might get a decent share
Off the Thames about old Greenwich, I suppose.
But a change has come about, which we all are finding out,
For the river looks and smells quite sickly too ;
And the doctor says that we (JEM was he and I was me")
Don't get well as once his patients used to do.
The factories with noise, and the filth around the buoys,
Don't do a poor sick sailor good; for one
And the right thing, it would seem, is to take us down the stream,
,- In which hope I send this drifting down to Fu.s.


Natural History and Unnatural Ignorance.
WE see that at the last meeting of the Entomological Society the
subject of DR. CUMMINNG'S "Bee-master letters was discussed, and
his opinions characterized as ridiculous, and destitute of scientific or
practical value. The report adds-
"' Many of the most erroneous statements they contained were read .to he meet-
ing, and were received with shouts of derisive laughter."j
It is really quite curious to note how, with all our professed advance
in knowledge, we continue lamentably ignorant of the simplest facts
in natural history. Of course we are not surprised at any ignorance
on the part of DR. CUMMING, but it is curious to read that the late
CAPTAIN SPEKE lost the power of hearing owing to a small beetle
creeping into his ear during his African travels, and refusing to be
dislodged by any means short of the introduction of a sharp penknife,
which injured the organ. Had that lamented traveller ever been
engaged in making an entomological collection, he would have known
that by simply filling the ear with oil he would have effectually suf.
focated the invader in a minute. The Special Commissioner of a daily
contemporary is another instance of this ignorance of the commonest
facts of natural history. We do not now allude to his evident igno-
rance of the fact that pollywog is only the Yankee for a tadpole,
but to the following sort of semi-quotation:-
Underneath the eaves no brooding swallows sing, to show us their sunny backs,
or twit us with the spring."
One who was an observer of nature instead of a snapper-up of uncon-
sidered library trifles would have known that no swallow-except the
human one-possesses the power of singing. It can only "chirp and
twitter." The original lines thus mis-cited runs-
While underneath the eaves
The brooding swallows cling'"


CROQUET.
CAPTAIN MIGHT and MAYNE REID
Wrote (but poorly indeed)
A book upon Croquet,
And then did invoke a
Lawyer to vex
My LORD OF S. X.
For infringing his right;
The infringement was slight,
But the lord lost. You'll guess
There were costs in X. S.
My lord writes to the Times-
In the captain then chimes,
And fain up had chawed
His opponent the lord,
But brought down on his head
Lots of new foes instead.
Well, to get at the matter
Through clamour and clatter,
Did the lord write the book
Whereat REID offence took ?
Though the credit be got,
It seems certainly not !
Was the captain polite ?
Though a REID he can't write!
But the upshot, my readers, is this-voms vous moquez,
At a lord and a captain who fight about Croquet!

SOCIAL SCIENCE SILLINESS.
THiE philosophers at Bath, who really deserve to have their heads
shaved, have been, as usual with them, tempering inferior science with
weak sensation. They have been discussing the relative temperatures
of man and woman, and the president of the section did not think it
beneath the dignity of a grave scientific assemblage to twaddle about
"ladies being more warm-hearted than men." Really after that he
should chalk his face, paint a red crescent on either cheek, and open
the proceedings with, Here we are again "

Princely Intelligence.
IT is announced that the PRINCE WASA the other day relinquished
his claims to the Duchies of Schleswig.Holstein in favour of the DUKE
OF OLDENBURG. An august relative on hearing it remarked that
" WAs always was-a muff."

A FEMALE DETECTIVE."-A blush.


*^








FUIN.


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITH.-M'CLELLAN'S chances of election for president seem to be
of the smallest just now-thanks to the manifesto of principles he has
thought fit to issue.
BRowS.-Yes, it strikes me the democratic split will be wide
enough to let the young NAPOLEON fall through to the ground.
SMITrr-And then in comes MR. LINCOLN, and good-bye to all
hopes of peace, at least for sometime to come.
BEowN.-A propos of peace, the difference between the old and the
presentstate of affairs in America is, to a certain extent, only nominal.
SMITH.-Nominal! Good gracious !-what do you mean ?
BRowN.-Why, whereas formerly it was a union in peace, now it
is a union in pieces.
SMITH.-What do you think of the new Franco-Italian treaty?
BRowN.-That the withdrawal of the French troops must ulti-
mately lead to the solution of the cesata question of Romne
SMIMT -But the Italian capital is to be transferred to Florence.
BuoWN.-Only a preliminary step.
Souiu.--Bt how about the price to be paid for all those advantages ?
BRowN.-Ah, nobody knows at present what that will be; but one
thing is very certain.
SMTrrH.-And that is ?
BaowN.-That Louis NAPOLEON when settling day does come will
not forget to send in his little bill for work done. Remember Nice,
and Savoy.
SMjxI,.-Yes, and what's more, the Italian pill-garlio will have to
pay it at sight.
Btows.-On the nail.
SMITH.-I've been puzzling my head, for some time past about a
most mysterious subject, and it is what good,. if any, is done by the
Social Science Congress.
BaoWN.-Well, it is a double adrnvtage. First, it affbrdwsan oppor-
tunity to theoretical philanthropists to air their opinions in public; and
second, it supplies matter to fill the newspapers at a very dull season
SMITH.-Well, that's not much at any rate; but does it dest no
real improvement anywhere ?
BaowN.-Not that I know of, but it might, you know.
SMITH.-Yes, pigs might fly, only they are very unlikely birds, andu
we don't often see them.

THE BADEN BAD'UNS.
A LITTLE while ago, gambling becoming suddenly highly virtuous
banished the demi-monde from the saloons and gaming-tables of Baden.
The result was not altogether so successful as was hoped, and the
edict has ban revoked. The demi-monde, therefore, once more mixes
with such respectability, gentility, and fashion as Baden can boast.
See to what gambling reduces people Persons who would shudder at
the notion of allowing their wives and daughters to take a peep at the
wonders of Cremorne, in thick veils and shawls, permit them to mix
with rampant vice in full dress in the palaces of Chance. No wonder
that the metropolis of gambling is, with so empathic a reiteration,
called Baden Baden!

Tettcott Tenants.
WE see that the landlords have just had a. splendid example set
them by a lady, and we trust that they will follow it. LADY MOLES-
WORTH, at her last rent audit at Tettcott, returned six shillings in the
pound to her tenants, to compensate them for their losses from failure
of crops, etc., during the last three years, We are glad to see that one
who bears a name rendered dear to Englishmen, as that of a great and
liberal statesman, whose career, though long enough for fame, was too
short for England, is making that name beloved on her own account.
FVu doffs his cap to her ladyship with his lowest bow, and cries to
all landlords, Now, gentlemen, follow the lady's lead !"

THOSE IRISH PAPERS!
IT is very extraordinary that our Hibernian contemporaries cannot
learn politeness! Whenever they head a paragraph with the title
"Fashionable Intelligence," they invariably inform us, in the most
outspoken and unblushing manner, that certain persons of distinction
"are going to Bray !"

WHY isn't a Joint Stock Company like a Watch ? Because it does
not go on after it's wound up.
WHY are MR. ToM TAYLOR'S original dramas like the flags in
Westminster Abbey ? Because they arc taken from the French.


MY LORD KI


IT's very good of Lnu KlINNAIRD
To ontocrtaii i th swooeep,
To dabble in philathliropy,
And do it on the cheap.
It's none so dull, my LORD KINNAIRD,
To wait beside your lodge,
To bow and smile, and wave your hand-
Ay, ay, a canny dodge.
It's very noble, LoRD KINNAr n,
To shake the sooty hand,
And pat the cheeks of little sweeps-
Yes, yes, we understand.
It's just the thing, my LoaD KrNNSAID,
To take them. round your place;
While every now and then, perhaps,
Saluted as Your Grace."
It's condescending, LORD KirsAtiro,
And very flno it sounds,
To hoar that pers can strut about
As showmen of their grounds.
It's generous, my Loan KIsMAInD,
To give a heavy tea;
Stocks of cookies, pumps of pop-
What righteous jollity I
It's very clever, too, KINwAhID,
To stand upon your floor,
And mouth a dish of eloquence,
Well out and dried before&
And very thoughtful, too, KrAfiMDR,
To have within your reach
Reporters, cooled with lemonade,
To chronicle your speech.
All this, no doubt, my LOR) K xlAtmn,
Deserves a grand ovation;
But 'twas not handsome, Loin KIUlAIND,
To charge intoxication
Upon a club of gentlemen
Who sought your grounds for cricket;
And snuffling out, you would not aid
What you considered wicket.*
But surely, surely, LOiD KINNAIRD,
That man is rather shady,
Who will from petty, party spite
Insult a widow lady.


You walk one road, but Mas. BLAIR
Happens to take another;
You lose the son, and so you spit
Your venom at the mother.
A woman with a generous heart,
Loved, honoured, and respected;
With files of friends who rubbed you down,
As might be well expected.
A woman who in pithy words
Hurled back your accusation;
Exposed your fibbing, LoRn KINNAInD,
Much to your delectation.
Plucky and honest her address,
A cruel, clever clincher ;
My LORD KINNAIID lihe got it hot-
KINNAIRD, the water-drinker.
KINNAIRD, KINNAIRD, if thus you read,
The alphabet of duty,
You must have learnt it at the knee
Of muckle-horuid Clootie.

A MARITIME MOTTO.-l usband it.
PARLIAMENTARY.-We know a timber.merchant who aspires to be
a member of Parliament. For the consummation of his wishes, he
must, of course, wait till Deal returns one.
Our contributor instructs us to Pay that if this method of rhyming Is objected
to, LonD KINNAIRD alone must be held responsible. On this matter of pronuncia-
tion his mind has become hoplh sly cimfinfied, and between the game and its
attendant horrors he uses the word uidioriminately.-Eo. lef.


OCTOBER 8, 1864.]


39


NNAIRD.







.OcTona 8. 1',64I.


FU*N.


WEST END.
Lady of tke House ;-" WHY, lOPxINs, I THOUGHT YOU WERE VERY COMFORTABLE."
Hopkins:-" So I AM, 'M. THE MEALS IS GOOD, AND THE WAGE ARE GOOD, BUT THE PAPERS ARE UNQUESTIONABLY BAD.
I'VE BEEN USED TO THE Times, AND IF MASTER PERSISTS IN TAKING IN THOSE PENNY DAILY PAPERS, I MUST GO WMERE THE
Times IS KEPT."-(Query, Where 7)


POSITIVES AND NEGATIVES.
BY A PHOTOGRAPHER OF HIS OWN FEELINGS.
I'VE an evening got to spare,
Which is rare;
And I much should like to know
Where to go.
Is it theatre, large or small?
Shall it be a music-hall ?
Speech or sing-song ? Spout or squall ?
Tell me which.
Shall I go to Drury Lane ?
No, I shan't.
Can I JULLIEN'S stand again ?
No, I can't.
St. James's-been there,-ah !
The Haymarket-no star.
There's the Standard-that's too far
Towards Shoreditch.
There's the Surrey-no, I won't,
And I don't;
Walk to Sadler's Wells I couldn't,
So I shouldn't.
I might pop in at the door
Of the Strand, but long before
Every piece I've seen; encore
Is too much.


There is ANDERSON'S at eight-
That's too late.
PADDY GREEN'S and hear a tune-
It's too soon.
Indecision doesn't do,
In the world I know a few
Who their own minds never knew-
Pity such.

Not Much to be Thankful for.
A COMMITTEE of coloured people, as the negroes and their de-
scendants are euphoniously termed in America, have presented a large
quarto Bible, splendidly bound, to MR. LINCOLN, as a mark of gratitude
for the services he has rendered to their race. Considering for how
very little the negroes have to thank the present Federal administra-
tion, the gift certainly shows that they are an eminently grateful
people; for hitherto the only real advantage, and that too by prejudiced
persons might be regarded as of a negative kind, they have gained is
the freedom to go to the front and be killed, instead of those ardent
war apostles who prefer having that slightly unpleasant operation done
by proxy. Well, well, different people," as the showman says, has
different opinions," and perhaps the blacks are thankful for even small
mercies.

THE PREMIER.-As LORD PALMERSTON lately made such a
facetious speech at the race meeting at Tiverton, and showed such a
thorough-bred knowledge of his subject, we think it is only right that
he should at once and unanimously be elected a member of the Joke-y
Club, and he is so elected accordingly.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CIlkRLES WHYTE, at the Office, SO, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 8,1804.


40









OCTOBER 15, 1864.]


FUN.


THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
(SECOND SERIES.)
CHAPTER IX.
SEC. 1.-THE PHYSIOGNOMIST AMONG THE SCUM.
Long expected scum at last."-Good Old Saying.
TANDING as the C. P. does in the
light of an interpreter between the
refined and elevated classes for whom
he writes on the one hand, and
everybody else on the other, he can-
not but feel that it is his duty to enter
minutely even into social details,
which might be reasonably expected

dividuals of his readers' calibre.
For he has' reason to believe that
the people who habitually read these
remarkable papers possess a nervous
organization of the highest possible
description. He often watches them
-.St (when they little think it) from an
upper window of the Temple of FUN
on a Wednesday morning. He sees the crowd beginning to gather at
from two to three o'clock in the morning-at first in small isolated
patches, and eventually, as the hours progress, in a dense, dense mass.
As soon as the priest of FUN commences the throwing open of the
shrine in which the weekly oracle is contained, a fearful rush takes
place, the temple is soon crammed, and thousands are unable to obtain
admission. It is evident to the philosopher that the anticipation of
the wonders to be enjoyed on the Wednesday morning has kept a
large section of the thinking public out of their beds on the Tuesday
night. They could not sleep, and they knew it. They preferred to
sit up and pass the intervening hours in social dissipation, rather
than toss sleeplessly for hours on a burning pillow.
The C. P. is about to plunge into very bad company. He has
already taken his readers to the Old Bailey, and he has shown them
what a thief is like. His readers have admired the ready bull-dog
courage displayed in the physiognomy of the burglar, and they have
shuddered at the guilty respectability that characterizes the face of the
embezzling clerk. Under these circumstances they not unnaturally
wonder what their C. P. means when he apologizes for being about to
take them into bad company. But he will explain. In his opinion
there is something honest in the dishonesty of the habitual thief. He
is always liable to severe punishment, and nobody knows it better than
the thief himself. There is an honest avowedness of dishonesty about
him which he takes but small pains to conceal. He is one who has to
run the gauntlet of Society, and Society knows how to lay it on pretty
thick, notwithstanding all that is said about the lenity of prison dis-
cipline. But there is a class that, in his opinion, ranks far below that
of the professional thief, and is composed of those classes who
habitually steer as close as possible to the wind without ever rendering
themselves actually liable to a capsize. This class of people is quite as
dishonest as any specimen the Old Bailey can furnish, while as they
run little or no risk of punishment, they are morally even lower in the
social scale.
SEC. 2.-OF THE VARIOUS CLASSES OF SOCIAL SCUM.
"Scummy genteel."-Don Pasquale.
THE earliest scum with which the C. P. was
acquainted is represented in the margin.
The C. P. made this gentleman's acquaintance
at the unripe age of fifteen, and the manner
of it was as follows :-The C. P. (not then a
C. P.) had, in the course of a daily pilgrimage
to a temple of learning, in the neighbourhood
of Somerset House, to pass twice, to and fro,
through the Strand. The gentleman here )
represented was always to be found in the 0)
immediate neighbourhood of Agar-street,
Strand. He always stopped the C. P. morning
and evening, called him Captain," and
wished to sell him cigars and pocket handker-
chiefs. The C. P. was grateful for the com-
pliment (which was wholly undeserved, as it
would be impossible to imagine anything less
like a captain than the C. P. at that early age), but with a per-
ception between right and wrong which Was remarkable even then,
declined to invest moneys with the hairy stranger.


This is the begging letter writer. He is the -
officer's daughter, and the clergyman's widow,
of whom we hear so much from energetic
collectors, with clerical references. Hoe
is probably a man of decent education, and
perhaps has been a blackguard schoolmaster,
or an ex-merchant's clerk. He retains the
muggy-white tie, which is, by courtesy, sup-
posed to indicate the purity of the wearer's 00
mind. Looking at it in this light he cannot
be said to sail under false colours, for if his
reputation is only half as dirty as his linen, it
is quite bad enough for all ordinary purposes.
He is a flabby gin-sodden scamp, with just the
ghost of a remnant of a once vulgar respect-
ability.
Here is the Bride-lane betting nuisance.
He is remarkable for the contrast presented
by a very seedy exterior with speculations of
extraordinary magnitude. H1e is always
willing, and we suppose able, to lay the odds
in thousands, yet toj udge from his appearance
his pecuniary prospects are of the dingiest.
He is not proud, for he carries on his business
on the open pavement, and is content to hear
his customers styled "the gentlemen" in
opposition to himself, although the customers
in question do not often move in a social circle
which would strictly entitle them to that dis-
tinction. The inference regarding his own
social position is therefore particularly un-
complimentary. He is a cad who has failed
in trade through his own imprudence or dis-
honesty-a dishonest traveller or a fraudulent
bankrupt, who can get no credit on personal
security, but somehow finds an extraor-
dinary quantity on no security but his own
honour.
This is a dreadful thing. It is the street
canter. It is the thing that sets up its temple
at the corner of streets, and (being more or
less drunk itself) inveighs, and with evident
reason, against intoxication. It is the worst
specimen of the STIGGINs' class, and is as
unprincipled as it is ungrammatical. It has
a self-assertive way of declaring its own
righteousness, which is positively awful in its
blasphemy. It is great at breast-beating, at
eye-rolling, at muttering prayers, and at
sending round caps. It is always attended by
a chronic congregation of half-a-dozen be-
lievers, who carry the books and form a sort
of "rallying square" round the pastor.
Here is the card-sharper. He is a little
more reputable than the others we have
alluded to, because there really is a little i
talent in the sleight-of-hand which he displays.
He is a bit of an actor, too-not a good one,
for the educated mind detects him at once,
but still it passes muster with second-class
carriage clodhoppers. There are few things
more amusing than being behind the scenes
one's-self, to watch this fellow and a confederate
bringing the conversation, which commenced
with the American war, round to the advis.
ability of passing the time away with a hand
at cards. There is a wicked bonhommie
in his sham smile which is extremely for-
bidding.
Here is the billiard leg. He is an ex-army
officer, who has left the service on account of
the difficulty of inducing the regimental pay-
master to consider embezzling a pardonable [
bit of gentlemanly irregularity. He is not
proud, and welcomes the shopmen with his
month's wages as readily as the heir apparent
with his quarter's allowance. He has lots of
noble names at his fingers' ends, and knows
the peerage and baronetage by heart. He
has an awfully wicked face, which ought to be
enough of itself to caution people from its


VOL. VII. E


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42


FU N.


[OcTO n 15, 18.64.


_ 42


proprietor. But as soon as a man enters a
billiard-room he appears to be compelled by
some mysterious agency to be hail-fellow-
well-met with every blackguard he meets, so
that an evil face is no manner of disadvantage
to its w esrer.
This is the dawg-stealer-the gentleman who
preys upon natural love and affection." He is
a sneaking beast, but, nevertheless, conducts his
trade with a peculiar description of honesty. If
he undertakes for a given sum to find the dog
young have lost, you may depend upon receiving it
for that sum. He scorns to take a meaner ad-
vantage of his customers than the bare fact
of their having to be his customers has given
him already. He is remarkable for the number
and variety of parasites with which he is -
adorned.

A PARODY FOR PARIS.
DEDICATED TO THE WAGER OF BATTLE FOB AN IDEA.
I'Ve been Rome in-I've been Rome in,
Keeping Pius on his seat;
Now I'm coming-now I'm coming,
Having tired of my poor feat.
I've been Rome in, etc.
I've been Rome in-I've been Rome in,
Keeping Pius ruler there;
Now I'm coming-now I'm coming,
And shall leave him if I dare.
I've been Rome in, etc.
I've been Rome in-I've been Rome in,
BuGO NIE at Schwalbach sips,
'Cos I'm coming-'cos I'm coming,
Spite of threats from priestly lips.
I've been Rome in, etc.
I've been Rome in-I've been Rome in
Over late and over long ;
Now I'm coming-now I'm coming,
Coming it uncommon strong.


ODE TO THE MAYOR ELECT.
HALE, hail!
The latest on the tale
Of mayors that govern this important city,
Pray list the ditty
Of an admiring poet, whose chief prayer's
To be the chosen laureate of Lord Mayors.
For why ?-because the poet's occupation
Too often fails, poor sinner,
To fill his hungry stomach with a dinner-
And this secures him a full corporation.
Therefore, I drink to thee, elected HALE,
In humming ale;
And still will drink,
Until the liquor shrink,
Although I must of all excess beware;
For if I drink till I become a reeler,
Seized by some active peeler,
I should be HALE-d at once before the Mayor.
Therefore, once more, oh, HALE,
Long may thy reign prevail
Over the far extending EC. district!
In these particulars ) our laureate is strict,
Because if he find grace,
'Twill be his boast
That he is one who knows at least his post,
If not his place.
Therefore, oh, mighty HALE !
I pray you do not fail
To make r, laureate of this humble party;
For surely if you do,
I'll wish long life to you-
The HALE and hearty,


A PAYNEFUL DUTY.
T has often been part of our duty as social
castigatoi-s to show up the turbulent members
of the criminal bar. There are plenty of them,
and they have always had it hot and strong at
our hands. We are zealous for the honour of
the bar, as we are for that of every other re-
putable profession, and we grieve to find it
soiled by the misbehaviour of some of its under-
bred members. But it is a new thing for us
to have to do with a judge. If there is one
class of gentlemen whose professional conduct
is more absolutely removed from censVre than
another, it is the gentlemen who administer our
laws in the superior civil and criminal courts.
This is the broad rule, and we were not un-
naturally surprised to find that one of these
gentlemen had been guilty of as childish a legal
error as ever amused hie iT~ilders of a lady's
novel.
In the course of a -Mial At the Middlesex
Sessions, the question arose whether a boy 'dd beeal dismissed from
his employment, or whether he had left it v'olrimt.rity :-
"Itn the course of the address 'of counsel words were used which seemed to
convey the suggestion that the company had other grounds for suspending the boy,
and his explanation having been repeated, someone called out from the body of the
court, It is true, too, for I am his father.' "
MR. PAYNE, in summing up,
Observed on the insinuation that the boy had been lismdissed, and upon the
satisfactory niatitt' of his explanation, cobfltte'd, as it was, by his father's excla-
mation from the body of the court."
Whereupon MR. SLEiI4A (wrhoteptesented the prisoner) said:-
"I venture very rebpectfullli .. i... :r ...r *.... telling the jury that which
no *itnt1s has sworn to, and ..n i: r E..t .''I.:.i,...."
And the following dialogue took place:-
"iMn. PAYNE.-The jury heard it.
ME. SLEIGH.-I shall bow with respect and defe'enee Io uwhttever you may rule,
however widely I may differ from you; but I must remind you that words blurted
out by some voice in court are not evidence.
MA. 'PAYNE.-I do not wonder at your anxiety, but it was the boys father.
Mn. SLEIGH.-You do not know that it was his father. Some one has called out
from the body of the court that he is the boy's father, but that person has not been
sworn, and what he has said is not evidence.
Ma. PAYNE.-By these interruptions, MVR. SLEIGH, you will lose your good
charketer.
MR. SLIo t. "-I cabtfot sit here and lfear the, rules of law violated by the Bench.
Ms. PAYNE proCeeded 'd read over the evidence, and at the end of his summing up
The jury turned round, and in a moment said they were agreed upon their
verdict,-Guiltq.'"
The facts speak for themselves, and asMi..PAYtE will probably get
into hot water for his "behaviour in the chair," we will not "add to
the horror of his position by unnecessary comments upon his guilt,"
as he will probably say when (!) being raised to the Bench, he has to
try prisoners for their lives. But we must add a few words of com-
mendation to Mu. SLEIGH for his very temperate language under very
trying circumstances. We trust that his brethren of the Old Bailey
and the Middlesex Sessions will take pattern by his behaviour, and
will remember that a judge is, vx offoio, entitled to respect in court,
and that if objection is to be taken to his ruling there is both a gen-
tlemanly and an ungentlemanly way of doing it.

The Hippophagous Banquet.
WHEN asked to a dinner off horse,
Of 'course
It never would do to say "neigh !"
'So with great equine-imity,
Touched with sublimity,
Yes, with great pleasure," you isay.
A cut of the saddle's the thing
They bring
(A very small piece is enough),
And you're wondering whether
The saddle's of leather,
Because it's remarkably tough.
On the whole you fancy it's not
Just what
An Englishman's dinner should be;
He likes horse in his stable,
But not at his table-
On that matter we clearly agree.
Chorus.-Cat's meat Dog's meat









OCTOBER 15, 1864.]


FUN.


THE EXPLOSION AT ERITH.
SATURDAY MORNING, 1ST OCTOBER, 186-1.
OFF the water shadows creeping
To the river side;
Twilight of the morning fading,
Giants of the sunbeam wading
Up the dusky tide.
Putting back its misty mantle
With their shining hands ;
Miles away the heavy humming
Of arisen London coming
Through the pasture lands.
Cattle lowing, and the sheep-bell
Tinkling out a round ;
By the shafts of gold advancing,
Beads of moisture set a dancing
On the steamy ground.
Now and then a vessel slowly
Coming into sight;
From the yards her crew outlaying,
Shake the canvas lazy swaying
In the amber light.
Gracefully the distant smoke wreaths
Curl above the town ;
All the country round fair ERITH
Drinks the sun, the while it weareth
The autumnal brown.
All is peace-lo! looming darkly,
Two hulks close in shore,
Hard against the landing ledges--
Heavy laden to their edges-,.
Cast out deadly store.
Frowning on the flashing water,
Sluggishly they lie ;
Hark a blast! look see a spire
Of devouring lurid fire
Leaping up the sky.
Through a canopy of sulphur
Fragments wildly cast;
In an instant following after,
Tossing iron, stone, and rafter-
Lo a second blast.
Fiercer far than that before it,
Belching out it, came
With a terrible upliftipg,
Human forms in-pieces, driftiuig,
Drifting through the flame.
Shook the earth as if'it trembled
With volcanic throe;
Hill and vale to their foundation
Felt the smiting of vibration-
Felt it as a blow.
Shattered air, in fierce concussion,
Seeking out a vent;
By the whirlwind thus delivered,
Windows by the thousand shivered,
And the frameworks rent.
Counties, shaken to their centres
Wake them up in dread;
Space-of mileage thrice five hundred,
Felt, as if the ground was sundered
From its primal bed.
Of the buildings not a vestige
On the field doth lie;
Round its margin devastation,
And the voice of lamentation
In a bitter cry.
Ha! fresh peril !-lo! the river
Bank bath given way ;
Hurry hurry or the tiding
Of old Thames will come on striding,
Striding through the clay.


Here they are six hiinlred rongh heown
D.lvers of the mould ;
Hardy Cell.ts who lay dovn florin
For tho hoarse sto.tu Titlins roaring
Through the hills of old.
See in squadron of a thousand,
Soldiers at the run,
Pour them in to plby their hept work
In the building of thU breastwork :-
Can the thing be done ?
Ten o'clock, and lo the waters
Turning back again ;
Rapidly the stream is rising
To assault the hold devising
Of determined men.
There, a brawny earned battalion
Striking with the ax ;
Others to the spade and barrow,
Strong in British pith and marrow,
Bend their sturdy backs.
Muscles in a stalwart tremble-
Pulses all a-glow-
Chests of manly breath revealing-
Piles of earth and saudbags Vheeling--
Up the hill they go.
Hurried breathing, and the sweat-drops
Falling down as rain ;
Work on, men work well together !
Bind the stream-way with tetlher
Grappled to the plain.
Anxious faces, toilUrekoiAbled,
Very sileatt al ;
For in depth of fiod-tide measure
Is the ourrent's. giant pressure
Moved against the wall.
Lo a little crafty oozing-
Now, ye men, keep, staunch !
Be yor efforts grandly given,
Or the buttress will be riven,
By aniavalanche.
And they conquered-and the waters
Gradually sank ;
Past the line of engineering,
And a hurricane of' cheering
Trembled on the bank.
And the evening sun was sinking
Down the hill's brown side,
Smiling over field and village,
Rescued from a storm of pillage
Menaced by the tide.


A MEAN MEMORY.
A LETT.R has been addressed by the QTrrEN's Remembranoer to
MR. LAING, ordering him to deliver up all the treasure trove which he
has discovered in the course of the explorations at Keiss, which he has
been prosecuting in the interests of antiquarian lore. This is rather
a shabby proceeding: the QusBEN's Romembranoer appears at all
events to have forgotten himself;

Prince Humbert and the Brewery.
'MID the barrels and firkins
Of BARCLAY AND PfItKINS,
Pray proceed, Prince, for no one will say no.
The draymen will do
All that's civil by you,
As they did what was proper by HAYNAU.

A Fitting Descendant.
GENERAL BUTLIR'S father was a privateer in 1812, but afterwards
"cruising promiscuously," was convicted of piracy at one of the
Spanish West Indian islands and hanged. The brutal tyrant of New
Orleans women could not come of a more fitting line than a halter,
and we hope will grace his descent (with a four-foot drop), and come to
an appropriate end-a rope's.


i '3






FT J U .-OCTOBER 15, 1864.


THE ROMAN WINKLE.
"LET GO, SIR," SAID SAM, "DON'T YOU HEAR THE GOVERNOR A CALLING' LET GO, SIR."
-PICKWICK, CHAP. XXX.






IU NF1 N.-OCTOBER 15, 1864.


THE WOUNDED DANE AND HIS DAUGHTER.
A Companion Picture to
"THE SOLDIER'S RETURN."








OoTObuE 15, 18ti0.]


F IJ N.


A STORM, IN -A BANK TEACUP.
SOME time ago a paper appeared in a certain weekly journal of large
circulation, impugning the urbanity of bank clerks in general, and
those owned by the old lady of Threadneedle-street in particular.
That such an interference with the vested rights in incivility should
be received with indignation was but natural; no one exactly likes
to be called a social bear, however much he may deserve the title.
Consequently the "dander" of the attacked ones was "pretty con-
siderably riz," and a meeting has been held to consider the best
means of punishing the proprietors of the offending periodical.
Always on the look-out for amusement, and conjecturing that
the spouting of embryo MAITTHEW IAsnHALLaS would start a rich
vein, we of course attended.
At first some difficulties were experienced in deciding the time
when the meeting should be held, some proposing before business hours
and some after. But as the objectors to the early proposal rightly
observed, it was hard enough as it was to get to the Bank by 9 am.,
the chances of their arriving there prior to that time were small
indeed, whereas those who opposed the after business suggestion said,
When business was over they wanted their grub, and no mistake
about it neither." However, ultimately all objections were smoothed
away, and the meeting came off, but as we were sworn to secrecy
on a pile of thousand pound notes, we are unable to divulge the exact
venue.
THEOPHILUS DOBBINs, of the cashier's department, took the chair,
a Windsor one, though, not before young SNIcLEY of the three per
cents, had pulled it from under him, to induce, as he (SNIGLEY) ob-
served,a fall in tangible securities. However, order having been restored,
the business of the meeting was commenced by the chairman declaring
thlt for thirty years he had been engaged in the Bank of England,
and during that time he had always been in the habit of issuing his
civility both at sight and on demand. There .had never been atight-
ness-(A Voice: "Didn't you get screwy neither at ToMKINS' feed,
last Christmas, old boy ? ")-he deprecated all frivolous interruption,
and he repeated-(here the speaker thumped the table with such
vigour as to upset a glass of water placed there for his refreshment)
-a tightness in his manners, least of all towards the fair sex- (" Yes,
you've.always got an eye for the gals!"). He (DOBBINs) scorned the
imputation, and, as a married man with a family, was above suspicion
-("Walker"). He begged to suggest that they should discount the
indignation caused by the article in question, by transferring their
patronage to another periodical, and thus punish the proprietors who
dared to insult a large and most respectable body of men, who paid
their rates and taxes, and- (hero the speaker entered into a general
eulogy of bank clerks, during which our reporter went to sleep).
When he woke up
MA. TEnENCE O'FLAHERTY, a gentleman evidently from the Sister
Isle, was on his legs, and declaring his love for the ladies in general,
and those who visited the Bank of England in particular, in a rich
Hibernian brogue. After which the speaker grew slightly discursive;
and attributed the article in question to another effort of the hireling
Saxon to crush the free-born Celt. He then launched out into the
wrongs of Ireland in general, and his own in particular, in having to
work for his living for the paltry pittance of 100 per annum-he, a
descendant of Irish kings. Finally, in glowing language, he depicted
how he would "bate the spalpeen within an inch of his life, if he'd jist
do him the honour of calling on him after business hours."
MR. Tom WAGGLES, usually known by the sobriquet of "Cutty,"
from his addiction to a pipe of that name, said he wasn't going to
stand any cheek from any scribbler; beggars who didn't know
what a balance at a banker's was-at least, not of their own-and he
would tell the proprietors of the journal in question that if they
thought to come any of their nonsense with him, they'd got the wrong
bull by the horns. (Loud cheers, and cries of "Bravo, Cutty.") The
speaker then assured the meeting that out of the office he was re-
garded as a modern C nEsTnrIe iL, and if such was the case, was it
likely he could be otherwise in business hours. (" Of course not.")
The fact was, that the people who had money in the bank were in-
variably wilfully stupid, and strove to take up the time of the gentle-
men in the office with unnecessary questions ; and he'd made up his
mind, the next customer of that sort he had to deal with, to jump over
the counter and punch his head, and see what that would do. That
was his determination, and he advised every one else to do the same.
(Loud cries of "Bravo," and "We will," amidst which the speaker
resumed his seat.)
Several other speakers here rose to address the meeting, but as they
all spoke at once, none of them could make themselves heard, except-
ing a Scotch gentleman, who advised the meeting "never to fash them-
selves aboot what was said by a wee bit scribblin' body, since the bank
siller was all reet, and they got their money regularly." This pro-


posal so enraged the mcling that a general fight was the rcsiul! in
which scene MR. O'FLAUnWvty, budiug himself in his right el, iniiu ,
honourably distinguished himislf, and during which our ipirt r
withdrew.

SONG OF THE AFFLICTED ONE.
MAY the plague take that terrible molar !
For just as I've mended my peon,
To write of Geography Polar,
The wretch begins aching again.
Away go my fine compositions,
And long-cherished dream of my youth,
My work in a second edition's
Driven off by that .hurriblo tooth.
Magic tinctures I've tried without number,
And "certain specities" as well;
Yet on my bed the genius of slumber
For nights has objected to dwell.
In vain have I chloroform taken,
And vain has been opium, forsooth;
For my nerves have been fearfully shaken
By the pangs of that horrible tooth.
And in vain does the wife of my bosom
The nice toothsome dainties prepare;
Chagrined, I'm obliged to refuse 'em
In a tone that makes poor NELLY stare.
For how can a nan eat roasi i chicken
(Though the fowl had been slain in its youth),
Or enjoy the delights of bone-picking,
When he's teased by a horrible tooth.
Then I think of the much-vaunted "stopping,"
And the gold in my tooth that's been dropped,
When my wife a queer question come popping,
Can the toothache by such means be stopped ? "
And she says, with some slight satisfaction
(And I must own, a great dealof truth),
That the very best cure is extraction
When you're teased by a terrible tooth.
*
[H.ere the reader is requested to imagine the pleasure of a visit to lhe
dentist's consulting-room; for the description far uTrpusses the
author's humble powers.]
"Scrunch!" now my torment is over,
At length the poor victim is free,
My ruthless tormentor has yielded
To the powers of the lint-enwrapped "key."
Oh dentist, thou'st made real the visions
I saw in the hey-day of youth;
Now my book shall see twenty editions,
For I'm freed from that horrible tooth.


BANTINGIANA.
IN spite of his reported reduction in size, it is a well-known fact
that since the publication of his system MR. BANTINGA is a m 1c
greater man than he ever was before. Indeed his "corpulence" is so
widely spread that we met with it lest week on a book-stall at a rail-
way station in the north of England. His circulation, however,
appears to be good.
The aldermen are very much aggrieved at ALDreMA l MecIa's
espousing MR. BanTIn's side (we should perhaps say "spare rib "),
and thus placing himself in opposition to the corporation. The
alderman says he intends to give up sugar; so if they don't like it they
can lump it. They are horrified at his sugar-basiness, and talk about
expelling him; but he says he will accept the sack, but not the
saccharine.

Scientific Oossip.
WE are informed by competent authorities that the Teetotallers are
the cause of the alarming natural phenomena which have been several
times of late observed on the coast. We can quite understand that
temperance orators -v '~ conduce to waterspouts, but we have hitherto
only connected ,,. with those leaden spouts which have ladles
attached to th .









48 FU


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHES AT THE PUBS.


OES not gunpowder do mischief enough
to humanity when directed against it
of malice prepense" and with homi-
cidal intent ? It seems not: ROGER
BAcoN's demon is not to be pro-
pitiated by the hecatombs of slain
which feed his altar on the battle-
fields of America. A bright, fresh
autumn morning on the banks of the
Thames, where the pretty old ivy-clad
church of Erith stands, reflected in
Sthe wave, must be made hideous with
a column of smoke and a pillar of fire,
like the belching forth of some tre-
g mendous volcano, and a lamentable list
.. \ of killed and missing. As I look over
r that list I am struck by the number
of children mentioned in it. By what
strange fatality- by what unhappy
familiarity with this dangerous compound are parents induced
to bring the little ones within reach of its terrific force ? I
should sooner think of trusting children with powder, than of trusting
powder with children I can't close my mention of the calamity
without a word of praise for our soldiers and our navvies who worked
so gallantly. Surrey must henceforth speak of our gallant defen-
ders with especial gratitude, for but for their efforts-which, super-
human as they were, were only a bare foot in advance of the tide-
the inundation would have overrun the county-advancing to the
Southern side of the metropolis itself, and giving even Bermondsey's
hides an unexpected soaking. The calamity has, of course, its ludicrous
aspect; the papers are teeming with letters on the subject to the full
as foolish as those which followed the earthquake. One of these
compares the explosion to the rolling of a dining-room table over an
uncarpeted floor; another account, from Cambridge, describes how
" the shock rumbling through the house almost immediately after-
wards caused a suspicion of something wrong as between male and
female servants ;" a third, after enumerating several serious accidents
arising from the shook, winds up with, "' A lady in the York-road,
Lambeth, had two cases of ferns shaken from the shelves and
smashed;" while a fourth speaks of fragments of bodies picked up,
" for which no owners are found."
THE Conservative organ has started a monkey Young JOHN
BULL of the Standard is the youngest young man going, I should
think; and certainly the most deadly-vivacious writer extant-his
style being very much like the letting off of damp fireworks in a heavy
rain. I should not have conferred undesirable fame on him by men-
tioning him, if he had not thought it necessary to lecture a liberal
journal on its English, in a letter wherein occurs the following
elegance-" How different these matters are managed on the Con-
tinent !" How "different" young JOHN BULL would write, if he
were not too young to know his grammar I should like to know in
what part of the Ode to RAE WILSON he finds the passage about a
butcher twisting the tail and eyes" of a sheep After that, if there
is any uncertainty as to who should "don the pigskin," we shall be at
no loss as to where to look for that peculiar skin of which writing-
tablets are occasionally made.
WILL somebody find a very large, very bright, and very steady
planet and christen it-I use the verb advisedly-after SIR J. F. W.
HERSCHEL ? He, in common with many of our leading scientific
men, has been pestered with a declaration wherein certain secretaries
have been striving to catch very much cleverer and more honest men
than themselves. His protest is one that should be printed in letters
of gold, and distributed broadcast wherever pious people abound.
It would be the only tract ever published whose distribution was not
either a libel or an impertinence. I will just quote a passage or two
to give you a sample, and so send you to the document itself. After
deprecating the application as "an infringement of that social for-
bearance which guards the freedom of religious opinion in the country
with especial sanctity," he adds:-
"I do not deny that care and caution are apparent on the face of the document
I am called on to subscribe. But no nicety of wording, no artifice of human language,
will suffice to discriminate the hundredth part of the shades of meaning in which
the most world-wide differences of thought on such subjects may be involved, or
prevent the most gently worded and apparently justifiable expressions of regret, so
embodied, from grating on the feelings of thousands of estimable and well-inten-
tioned men with all the harshness of controversial hostility."
All the champions of religious freedom-in other words, all men of
sense and honesty-are grateful to SIR J. F. W. HERSCHEL for those
words.


SI [OOTOBER 15, 1864.


I HAvE studiously refrained from commenting on the case of
MULLE while his examination before the magistrate at Bow-street
was proceeding. I am sorry, now that I do speak, that I cannot say
much for our behaviour, as a people, in this case. Our photographers
make blood-money, I may almost call it, by caries of "the murderer;"
our coroner sums up with not more than the usual ignorance of law
observable in such officials, but with less than the customary common
sense and fairness; our witnesses, instead of giving the "whole"
truth, have confined themselves to facts which will tell against the
accused (I would instance the testimony of a hatter, who said that
certain work was not done in the ordinary way, when he must have
known how Jew-dealers "renovate" hats); and our press has, as a
rule, taken MULLER'S guilt for granted. All this will only tend to
defeat justice. A reaction will set in (not to mention that the
Germans will make it a national question), and people will just as
hastily assume the entire innocence of the accused man. "Medio
tutissimus," I only ask a fair and unprejudiced examination of the
case, instead of, on the one hand, a hot-headed economy which would
rather hang the wrong man than have Government put to the expense
of the American trip for nothing, and, on the other hand, that "par-
tisanship of impartiality" displayed by the kindly philanthropists
who. in order to clear MULLER, will insist on implicating MATTHEWS.
But then sentimental philanthropism of this sort is always blood-
thirsty, and will fix on a victim-generally the wrong one !

PIG VERSUS PAUPER'.
A BALLAD OF BABNSLEY.
Ami1-"Sing a Song of Sixpence."
"THOMAS CLUNEY, a miserable-looking creature, was charged at the Barnsley
Court-house, on Monday, with having been found sleeping in a pig-stye, on the
24th ult., and causing the death of two young pigs. Prisoner went into the stye to
sleep, and appropriated the greater portion of a quantity of straw, which had been
laid down for a sow and her litter. The consequence was that two of the porkers
were so exposed to the cold during the night that they were found dead in the
morning. Prisoner was ordered to be kept in the lock-up on bread and water for
forty-eight hours."- Weekly faper.
SING a song of justice,"
Sing a song of law,
Sing of sucking porkers
Grunting in the straw.
Sing, oh I beaks of Barnsley,
The weighty reasons why
You quodded THOMAS CLUNEY
For sleeping in a stye!
The shameful, shivering pauper's
Worth nothing to the law,
Like the comfort of two porkers
Grunting in the straw.
Sing a song of hunger,
Thirst, and rags and cold;
Sing of THOMAs CLUNEY
Whose crime was over-bold.
Oh! shame on starving outcast,
Who didn't care to die,
When warmth it might be gotten,
E'en in a fetid stye!
How dare he from these porkers,
Defiant of the law,
And careless of their comfort,
Take two pigs' share of straw P
Oh shocking 'tis to think of,
When broke the dawning red,
This pauper wretch was living,
The two dear pigs were dead!
Gush tears from Christian eyelids,
Down cheeks roll bitter, big;
Take your pity from the pauper,
And give it to the-pig.
Once said the purest Teacher
That ever trod our earth,
Man's life than many sparrows
Is many times more worth.
Now the Justices of Barnsley,
With self-importance big,
Little worth esteem a pauper
Compared unto a pig.









OCTOBER 15, 1864.] ]F T 1 49


ARCHITECTS AND ENGINEERS.
IT has recently entered the heads of the authorities-and why it
did not do so before is a mystery, for they are too soft to offer a
serious resistance-that the Royal Engineers having to erect barracks
and various other public edifices, might as well have some slight
knowledge of architecture. Accordingly a school of Instruction in
Architecture and Estimating is to be established at Chatham, supported
by public (but involuntary) contributions- in the shape of more taxes,
of course. At first sight, and taking this last fact into consideration,
we British tax-payers feel inclined to object to the expense of teaching
people to do what they have professed to do, and have been doing, for
the last five hundred years. But a little reflection will cause us to
alter our opinion. So far from grudging the money, we shall actually
wish that the school had been established for generations, when we
remember that that national disgrace, the Exhibition barn, which
after having been blown up by the press and the public for years, has
at last been blown up by Government, is due to the architectural
taste and skill of an engineer officer. By way of an epitaph on that
building we give the following parody:-
Oh, FOWKE, had you known
What a general groan
Your building would greet, ere you'd shown it,
You'd have done then, I trow,
What you're forced to do now,
And up had most certainly blown it!

FORTY THOUSAND CABBAGES.
THE French regiments quartered in the camp at Ch.Alons this year
have been most successful with their gardens. Besides carrots,
potatoes, turnips, leeks, etc., they have grown and cut upwards of forty
thousand cabbages. The good luck which has attended the experi-
ment has led to the determination to form kitchen gardens for the
troops in all the principal garrison towns in France. It is a great
pity that the movement is not imitated in England. In such gardens
not only are cabbages grown, but the seeds of order and discipline
are planted. The soldiers, instead of going to seek ale at the pothouse
have sea-kale in their own gardens. Again, raking is a harmless form
of dissipation, and the men had better hoe a good deal in their own
plots than run up a score with designing publican. In this instance,
therefore, we shall be very glad to follow the French soldiers. It is
not the first time we have done so, and we have generally come up
with them in the long run.

A Suggestion for the Surgeons.
THE American papers speak of the perfection at which surgery has
arrived in the Northern army. The stories cited are certainly very
marvellous, but unless we actually "sighted" them ourselves we
should feel inclined to doubt them. One of the most extraordinary of
these stories says:-
Such is the progress made by the medical department in these parts, that half
of aman's face demolished by a ball or piece of shell is replaced by a cork face."
This appears to us to bear marks of fabrication on the face of it.
But if it be true, surely there ought to be no difficulty in supplying
the Northern ranks. We shall expect to hear soon of GENERAL
FRAN KENSTEIN's corps(e). It is awell-known fact, as the Irish papers
admit, that there are a great many Cork men already in the American
army-in fact the special artist of one of the illustrated papers has
'drawn several of them.

Les Braves Belges.
A REGIMENT of Belgian grenadiers have volunteered for Mexico,
where they are to be a body guard of the Empress, a Belgian princess
by birth. Their uniform, it is stated, will be blue, with purple facings,
grey trousers, and round hats, with cock's feathers. Cock's tail
feathers, it will be remembered, are of two colours, black and white.
It is not stated which of these the brave Belgians will wear, but if we
remember aright the feather they displayed at Waterloo was of the
latter colour.

OH DEER, NOI
A CORESTPONDENT, who signs himself M. U. F. F., says that he

saw in the papers the other day, that a noble sportsman in the High-
lands had "a capital stalk" the other day, and desires to know if this
is not a plant. We beg to refer him to another Highland plant -the
carduus benedicivs, watch will no doubt suit his palate.


THE FIGHT.
THE Irish papers are indignant at the notion of the battle between the English
and American prizelighters taking place in the peaceable Emerald Isle."
ride Papers.
BY the powers, thin, and faix it's too bad,
iedad !
It's a thing to make Oirishmen sad
And mad,
To think of the soight
Of an out and out fight
In which there's no shares to be had
By Pad-
Dy, who jist to join in would be glad I
'Tis the true Saxon selfishness shown!
Ochone I
All the foightin' for two chaps alone 1
A stone
Would shid tears- and small blame-
At the thought of that same.
Such exclusiveness niver was known,
You'll own,
In the land where shilalies is grown!
Such behaviour is most inhumane,
That's plain-
To timpt PAT with .a fight, yet restrain
His vein.
'Twould beijist a rare trato
The whole boiling to bate,
For thus breaking the peace of the QuAI !
Their strain
They would alter, and choose a new seane I


THE LAY OF M, LASH.
A RHYME FOR RECRLITS.
IECRTuinri is iild to be going on lut slowly."-Vide Paropers.
(The Recruitin' Sergea*t sings.)
COME, fill up your cups, my gallant lads,
That have taken the sergeant's shilling,
I'll give you a toast, so call on the host
For another pint, if you're willing.
You've taken the cash,
So I'll give you-" The Lash,"
That's the toast for which you've been filling;
Yes, hero's to the lash,
Your backs to slash,
The glorious cat-o'-ninc tails.
(The Recruit sings.)
Oh, had we but thought of the treat in store,
Ere we took the latal shilling,
Or hearkened your story of plunder and glory,
The beer that you ordered swilling;
You ne'er had caught us,
For our country thus,
Our blood disgracefully spilling !
Bad luck to the lash,
Our backs to slash,
The notorious cat-o'-nino tails.

A Pair of Parliamentary Puzzles.
W ny must the Secretary of State for India be a very haughty man ?
-Because he is over BARINo.
Why must the Under-Secretary of State for India be a regular
" scrub ? "-Because he is under WOOD.

Vox Populi.
A NIECE of GARIBALDI has appeared before the British public as a
singer, and has naturally made a favourable impression. Her voice,
though not quite so powerful as that of the general, bids fair to be
very popular. The family appears to be one of note.

TIIE PI'IZE,1 MONFY QU':STION.
WnT is the obtaining of prize money like a most important piece
of public business ?-Because it is an affair of very great wail."









S50 T [OCTOBER 15, 1864.
50 FU -LN.


A GRIM JOKE.
COnscientious Curate :-" GO TO THE Ant, THOU SLUGGARD!"
Cadger:-" Uncles IS EASIEST TO FIND ALONG 0' MOST ON US, GUv'NxOR."


SOMETHING FRESH.
A RVFFIAN brother on the other side the Tweed, feeling intensely
disgusted that Sdotland has not contributed her fair quota to the
beauties of brutality, and animated by a praiseworthy desire to wipe
out the stain of short-coming,has discovered a new method of qualifying
for admission into the College of Savagery. The following is the
result of his researches:-
"1 THuE RwARDs orF HIROisM Atn GOALLANTRY.-Vourteen days ago we chronicled
the gallant rescue of a child from the flooded waters of the 'Teviot by a labourer,
named M'GUIsE. The brave fellow, of course, lost some time in the performance
of the gallant act, and in changing his wet clothes afterwards, and we are credibly
informed that his employer in paying him his wages deducted the value of the
hour's work, threepence halfpenny, from his hardly-won earnings.-HIawick
Advertiser."
There! that's not so bad! There's something irresistible in the
originality. Who is this son of Scotland, that we may give him some-
thing more for himself ? It hurts us that he is so modest as to conceal
his name, for we are liberal. Besides, his English brethren lately im-
mortalized in these columns have informed us that they are earnestly
desirous to forward him the thanks of their Association, engrossed on
vellum.


Things not Generally Known.
THAT a coachman was recently observed driving a nail in single
harness.
That a deaf old lady residing at I)evonport heard Plymouth Sound.
That a good vermin dog can draw au inference in a minute and
a half.
That domestic jars are produced by the letting fall of observations.
That wheat and oats, though not of a quarrelsome nature, can be
set by the ears.
That you are liable to an action for assault if you close with an offer.
That the author of these observations is a proverbial philosopher.
(Signed), M. F. T.

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE.
WE clip this from a warlike organ:-
"The vacant cavalry regiment most probably will go to Loan ROSSLYN."
The EARL OF ROSSLYN is fortunate in being the early bird who
picked up the worm, considering the immense number of most suitable
claimants in the field. For a vacant cavalry regiment there must be
quite a rivalry of vacant cavalry officers." *


Broadwoods Grand.
ME. THOMAS BROADwOOD, owner of the yacht Galatea, and MR. A Bridge in Suspense.
G OEnor FIELDER, owner of the yacht Julia, have forwarded to the
National Lifeboat Society a donation of 25, the result of a half THE Clifton people have been for some time in doubt as to whether
forfeit in a match between those two vessels. We quote the circum- they could prevail on the veteran Premier to be present at the open-
stance, which is highly creditable to the two yachtsmen, in order that ing of the suspension bridge over the Avon. He has now declined
the various yacht clubs may take the hint and act upon it. their invitation; but we believe there is no truth in the report that
he said "he'd see the suspension bridge hanged first !"
WHY is a lucky billiard-player like an anchor ?-Because he holds Young LARDIE D'HARDY, of the 70th Heavies, has just dropped in, and says
his ground entirely by flukes. he doesu't-aw-see-aw-the point-aw."-Note by Sub-editor.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 8n, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 15,1831.










OCTOBER 22, 1864.]


FUN.


AT THE PLAY.
NOTHING on Miss ADAHI ISAACS
f MENKEN-let us give the form of
the new she-questrian's name its
full development need be here
S written. Not even a novelist could
construct a readable story out of
a subject affording such scanty
materials. When the American
poet wrote the popular lyric of
Nothing to Wear," he never
could have surmised that the public
would have tolerated an English
edition with illustrations. A Ma-
S zepa so likely to amaze anybody
who had a proper sense of decorum
has never been known, and the
bare remark that the present re-
presentative outstrips all her pre-
decessors in the character will suf-
fice to show how impossible it
will be for the lessee to speak
hereafter of the clothes of that
person's engagement. Leaving
Astley's to make the most of an
acquisition on which there is so
little to notice, let the playgoer
.FIW who prefers refinement turn in-
stead to the fair MDLLE. BEATRICE,
who has just appeared at the
Haymarket. The French play in which this Italian lady, who has
achieved her reputation on the Parisian boards, now comes forward as
an actress speaking unexceptionable English, is by no means to be
recommended on the grounds of its morality. Nothing can be worse
than the incidents of the five acts, except the events which the
audience are to imagine occurring in the intervals. The heroine
exhibits, however, a grace and delicacy that would go far to purify
a much more poisonous atmosphere than is breathed by those per-
sonages figuring in M. DUMAS'S ingeniously-constructed but
abominably offensive drama of Mademoiselle de Belle Isle. At the
Strand there is a very clever piece called Milky White, in which a deaf
dairyman is, oddly enough, the hero. MR. CRAVEN, who has the
double credit of being both the author and chief actor, is the deaf
milkman, and in both of his professional capacities the public will
always be happy to give him a hearing. Of ME. JAMES STOYLE, the
new comedian, we shall only say that his easy style is suggestive to
the management of this STOYLE becoming a pleasure. Woodcoce's
Little Game, at the St. James's, is a very small affair, and, unlike the
bird alluded to in the Bible, will not be long in the bill. The Witch
Finder, at Sadler's Wells, is a very ambitious attempt, but produces a
rather dreary result. On the first night some remarkable lunar
phenomena became apparent in" the second act, and a literal
shivering of the moonbeams took place, which could only be explained
by a refraction of the lime-light produced by the fracture of the
lime. At the New Royalty, the old German Baron, in a piece called
The Demon Lover, finding his moustache drop into his hand whilst
holding a meerschaum to his lips, put the refractory appendage into
his pipe and smoked it, in the belief that he was thus cleverly con-
cealing his mishap from public observation. The first night of a
new piece is certainly the time to enjoy a novelty.
THE ODD MAN.

EPIGRAM
ON A LATE AGRICULTURAL DINNER.
WHEN DIZZY enlarges on crops and on farming,
And fixes on sheep, just like one of those jolly ticks,
His impudence more e'en than usual is charming,
For he knows perhaps less about farming than politics.

Saxon Injustice.
HIBEERNIA is outraged again. The new Lord Lieutenant is a fresh
insult. What sympathy can a WODEHOUSE have with mud cabins ?

LORD KINNAIRD AGAIN !-The chimney-sweeps of Dundee have
been entertained by LORD KINNAIRD. He was excellently sooted for
his company!
SHOCKING.-May MR. DISRAELI be looked upon as the "Junior
Partner" in the firm of DERBY and C-l-o ? "


JOTTINGS OF A JOURNEY DUE NORTH (EAST);
OK,
FUN, FACT, AND FICTION.
MY DEAR FUN-no, I don't mean that, because you cannot be
dear at any time, at any price, to anybody, or any other man; there-
fore let me resume, tersely, enthusiastically, emphatically-FUN,
OLD BOY-but stay, I don't know that you are a boy, ergo I cannot
know that you are an "old boy;" consequently,
MR. EDITOR,
SIR,-Among the multitudinous memories of your mighty mind,
there may possibly be stored up a rambling recollection of a Com-
pletely Collapsed Contributor," who, tremblingly tenacious and terribly
troubled, presented himself (unannounced) in your snug sanctum a
few months since, and stated that he was used up" (physically, by
physic). You will remember (at least if you don't, he does, and 1 am
he, and he is I, and therefore I ought to know) that you placed the
taper tips of your fragile fingers on'is 'umble 'ed, and soothingly said,
" Go out of town-go to the seaside-go to Yorkshire," AND--mark
the conjunction well--AND HE WENT. What he saw, where he went,
what was done unto him, and by whom he was seen, it is the intention
of him, the said C. C. C. (Completely Collapsed Contributor), to relate
instantly, and, if possible, sooner than that.
Your C. C. C. is acquainted with many people, in various walk's of
life, from a be-smocked, be-pailed, be-yoked individual, rejoicing in
the possession of a milk-walk" on Hampstead-hoath, down to an
almost emancipated apprentice attached to a rope-walk at Chelsea, and
comprising between the aforesaid limits, publicans, clergymen, painters,
plumbers, poets, stationers, and lastly, though not leastly, station-
masters, to one of which latter he betook himself, and arranged for a
tourist ticket "due north-east," with special license, in consequence of
his C. C. C.-ism, to break connections at his convenience at York,"
I have before remarked that you said, "Go to Yorkshire," and lieo
went to York," but the station-master, who might (for aught that
your C. C. C. is aware of) be master of everything else in the universe
(except the arts of reading and writing), proved conclusively that ho
was not master of himself; he reviled your C. C. C., he refused to enter-
tain the explanation of your C. C. C., and compelled your C. C. C. to
behave uncourteously, and "please himself," which he did forthwith by
remaining some three days in the ancient and possibly loyal city of
York. Your C. C. C. walked on the ramparts or walls of Ebor, and
thought (albeit not an Israelite) of the walls of Babylon." You
don't see the connection ? possibly not-your C. C. C.failed to do so,
and despairing of Babylon, descended into the city, and (bachelor that
he is) contemplated savagely the baby-linen warehouses with which its
streets abound. You don't see the joke ?-very likely not. But the
fact is that your C. C. C. being engaged" to perpetrate matrimony at
an early period, feels alternately savage and docile, the baby-.lon going )
fit being followed (for second place by half a neck") by the des.
ponding thought of the necessarily (to be) diminished quantum of
weeds and whisky under the circumstances. However, your C. C. C.
found a comfortable hotel (your C. C. C. won't mention names) close
to the station, and he refreshed himself. Rested and recruited, lie
proceeded to Scarborough, or, as its inhabitants with refreshing modesty
mildly designate it, "the Queen of watering-places."
Your C. C. C. was astonished, ashamed, attracted, admonished, and
admired (please be particular about italics for the last word) in the
short space of seven seconds, and further investigation (on all sides),
extending over a lengthened period, completely confounded your
C. C. C., for when your C. C. C. came to see the sea, and the leviathan
impropriety that "took pleasure therein," he felt humbled for his
species, and he regretted many things. However, he took heart, and a
guide (the impromptu specimen being a dissipated Oxonian), who
initiated him into the mysteries of Scarborough, won his money at
billiards, deluded his unsophisticated imagination with representations
of the charms mental and material of chicken-hazard, and finally led
him DOWN THE STEPS !" My dear FUN, my primitive primrose,
my inviolate violet, have you been to Scarborough ? If you have,
did you go down the steps?" You blush; I feel that you are
confused-you have been down the steps! And you heard, you saw,
you remember, that in the dim recesses of "down the steps" there
lurk mysteries that the next chapter may (or may not) unveil; sullice
it for the present that your C. C. C. went "DOWN THU STEPS," and
survives to tell the tale.
(To be continued.)

CLASSICAL.-It isn't generally known, but the exact spot where
ORPHEUS charmed the trees was at Lissou-grove-Listen-grovo.
BROTHER IGNATIUS shows, in one respect, a great similarity to
Miss ANDERSON, of wizard notoriety, for, like her, he can spell as well
and as fluently backwards as he can forwards.


VOL. VII. E








-52 [OcToER 22, 1864.
52 i. .....


A MANCHESTER DIALOGUE. The Pilgrim of Palestine.
JN P n'. "T.n Hi.:iwoiin i xox is prparintg for the press his experienccs of the Holy
JOHi N B]RIGHT, L.P.; RICHIARiD COBUEN, *i1.1i. Laind, which he visit laa iItulne."-The Star.
J. H.-Verily, friend 1lCITARnD, thec Amri.n nel,; looks bright Hoiw should I your true love know
for the union. The star of victory shines full .-1 h 1 Federal Fro another one taff,
arms. If this goes on much longer the rebel- .. forced By And his cocklsandalioo."d staff,
once more to join the best government on earth --The Bard of the London Committee.
I. C.-Alas Jonx, wit i the best will in the world to believe in the
statements of our union friends, I be:in soce;vhat to distrust the RDid between proof-Nheets at break of day
glowing victories or tile Northern st.lesnin. They have such dis- Did Ux1AwoRTn DIXON awaken,
glowing victories of te Northern statsmen. hy ave suc And partook of a frugal and light repast-
astrous termination. A piece of the side of BacoN.
J. B.-True, tICHARD ; but in this instance ;li doubt cast vanish. A piece of the side
If thou but readest the 3tore,i,ai S'ar, see what my corr. -poindent says And pray, then, how was DIXON drest ?
on the subject. Although myself averse to war, I would tht tilhe hydra- Oh, he was drest in his very best:
hean ld beast of rebellion were crushed, ay, even exterminated by the His coat was shiny, his trousers new,
Northern HI;mCULEs, and then- And he looked as the Sunday apprentices do !
I. C.-Well?And he walked out of London's long forest of brick,
J. B.-Then peace, heavenly peace, would again smile upon the And he walked out of Ltondon's long forest of brick,
American Eden, and, greatest blessing of all, cotton would be alike And strode off towards Palestine's plain,
plentiful and cheap. Oil that my mills were once more in full work nd still as he walked he switched his thick stick
1R. C.-'Twere indeed a blessing, especially for you. entleman switches his cane.
J. I.-Ay, RICeriDn, should cotton once more resume its rightful He saw a Hebrew shearing a pig,
sway, we kings of the, trade would also be again great in the eyes of VWhich set up a noisy ditty;
myriads of trembling "iand,." And DIxoN groaned, for it put him in mind
1. C.-Speak for thL fltf, .HN. Iam out of the business. Of the doings of his committee.
J. B.-Alas! thou art. Flindest thou not it irksome to lack the
melodious clack of the jenuie. ? For myself, apart from delighting He saw a Jew who for passing bad cash
vast crowds of admirers Nith my eloquence, alone on the platform Was by a policeman taken;
-no Norman tyrant present to contradict and thwart me with And DIXON winced, for he felt convinced
rude common sense-nothing is to me so sweet as to go round my 'Twas like his defence of BAcoN.
mills andvwatch the indu-trious "hands working out their lives for Ie heard some inhabitants crying "Ole clo !"
my aggrandizement and greatness. And he fled at the sound of their carol,
IR. C.-! own 'tis sweet to sway attentive crowds with honest speech, And betook him home, for he fancied they'd come
and 'tis a!so sweet to see thy hands" slavihg out their lives for thee; To kill him for his apparel.
but bethink thee, suppose-mind, I only say suppose-cotton from
America were to fail us after all, and the 500,000 bales said to be
stored up in the so-called Confederacy have no existence save in the TODLEBEN'S TWADDLE.
bewildered brains of rebel sympathizers, with large investments in these never forgiven M KINGLA his complete ex
Confederate loan. Iiow would it be then? TfE Time, has never forgiven MR. KINGLAKE his complete ex-
C.. .e -Tim is oses to speculate on a contingency so improbable. posure of the practices of Printing-house-square. It has taken the
it 0.--Not so, sb -.,l, oave happened, and mao again, opportunity of the publication of a book by an inferior lRusian
'Twere wise, methimnks, to seek ent substitutes to replace the void, and to try by implication to disprove hi. Kte INL atK' mos
again to make the wills resound v;i merry clack. i.n narrative. GENaEAL ToDLEBniN has achieved a reputation
J. B.-S sute T re are none Cotton is king. Who can with great luck-he is one of those who have honour thrust on them.
dethrone King Cotton ?P[tesido, a; hat would our friends over the Hie ot immenrese repute fbr defending Sebastopol with earthworks;
water say if we should thus ? esirt then ? when he had nothing but earth to build its defenses with, and nows thei
It. C.-Say why some hard things, to be sure, of which on occasion Times is making the reputation of his book in the hope of destroying
they ,ca supply a goudl quantity. Ncerlheless, I repeat, weree that of another. But the scheme is too transparent, and even the
wise to seek substitutes, of which, if report say true, there areplentv. garbled extracts from TODLEB EN'S book itself only go to prove his
J. 1I.-Ay, flax and hemp. special pleading and distinct intention to clear the Russian army of
R. C.-Nay, fl-ix fur g' neral use is valueless ; is too expensive in blame at the expense of the French, the English, and truth itself.
the irorking, and henmp- Necessity makes us acquainted with strange bedfellows, but the Tmres
J. B.-Reminds me of capital punishment, to which, as you know, could hardly have expected to find itself "lying" in company with a
I am on principle averse. Russian general.
It C.-Aibeit, besides these, other fibrous plants there the, w1hih if
properly worked might be audvantageoues, and bring in maeh p1roit to THE ARMY SURGE, ONS.
the worker.
J. B.-Never would I con-ont to make use of auh. T' a. iaoa Ta: army surgeons have a real and serious grievance against the
to America, and that I hold to be of all treasinh.a -- h authorts. Te slits and ,-IJ I ..L I under which
R-. C.-May be. But dpeil upon it a time -ri! .cme oahnaa : tnhse so-called "non-combatant officers "' labour are very great. The
will be used. I wonder much that since limit, i. 1 ro r.ch in ec -a; "'non-combatant" is an insult as applied to men who fight
vogue no company has already been stared with tlhisr object. I '. evrs, '-lkness, and face infectious diseases that are quite as
myself, if assured of its stability, would hesitate before refming shares tribe l '..., and no less ii"i., But the surgeons will find
therein I their cau-e suffer if they leave it in the hands of injudicious advocates.
J. B.-Thou would'st! Shame on thee, RICHARD, thus to desert In a discourse lately delivered at St. Thomas's Hospital, the lecturer
our sacred cause of freedom. Never would I consent to imbue my said that army surgeons were hardly treated, because "they could
hands in aught but cotton, unless musinglyy) it v,.. r- L.. ., to pay very never feel settled anywhere, and were never consulted as to where they
well indeed. wor,:d like to be ordered." We feel quite sure this is a misrepresenta-
It. C.-In that cace, then, thou would'st forego thy prejudices in tion of the feelings of a very gallant body of men ready to go wherever
favour of our American friends ? duty calls them.
J. B.-Yes, if the scheme were very lucrative and likely still further
to increase the glory of the name of BRIGHT by enabling me to The Strong Arm, not the Armstrong.
employ more hands," I might. IT is reported by a correspondent with SrHERuaAN's army that the
It. C.- Well, then, believe me, the time will come when the failure "rebels" are doing considerable execution with the WHITWOiTH
of the cotton supply shall no more affect us than the abuse of hostile rile, with whi'h the skinr.ishers are armed, and which for accuracy,
newspapers, and of that, friend JOHN, both thee and I, methinks, have l ngc, r:d power of penetration surpasses the Federal arm. But it
had plenty. will have to possess tar greater range ere it can arrive at the Horse
J. 11.-I doubt it much. Still- Guards' intelligence-far greater accurvac ere it can hit the grain of
R. C.-As I used to say in Paris, when negotiating the French sense which the Borse Guards may peri:aps possess-and far greater
treaty, whereby so much bad wine has been introduced into this down. powers of penetration ere it can pierce the rhinoceros-hide of routine
trodden and noble-ridden country, Qid vivra verra." and patronage.









OCTOBER 22, ti;.i4.]


FUN.


Rochester's Pretty Present of Prittlewell.
TnE BISHOP Op ROCLESTIRst has instituted the REv. SPENCErR tVIORAM to the
living of l'rittlewell, E-s x. The present curate is ni1w livi;ig in the
vi-r' What are the special qualifications of the RKV. SPeNCeR
S', over and abh iv his relation. lp tD t iw bishop, which have eoused him (a
yolIng miai I rtely ordaidrl) to be precferr fi to either the present curate or others
of lono standing in the diocese?"-From Letter in ti.e 1 Oct. ber lith.
A RGIITEOUS man is ROCHESTER-
Who will say mie nay, sir ?-
The enemy of cricket,
The champion of the razor.
He hath decreed that certainly
He never will empannel
A man as son of his who runs
In pantaloons of flannel.
Sin it is to bat,.and he
Who taketh up the bowling,
Down the hill of evil ways
Assuredly is rolling.
And then he says, from naughty paths
No one can make a boy stir,
Unless the sacerdotal chin.
Is treated like an oyster.
The chaplain who examineth,
By ROCHESTER is ordered
To see that features clerical
Are most discreetly bordered.
The bishop saith, he doth defy
The clergy to behave clean,
Unless they all, with one accord,
Make up their minds to shave clean.
And yet, forsooth, it seemeth strange,
That men should be so wary
Against APOLLYON and his crew,
Because their chins are hairy.
That he who wears the flowing beard,
By his Creator given,
Should be less useful than the shaved,
In leading souls to heaven.
And with a plain, good common sense
Most awkwardly it jostles,
That ministers with cricket bats
Can never be apostles.
But don't be ribald-know ye not
A bishop's words are famous ?-
Well, well, it may be so; perhaps.
I am an ignoramus.
But still it seems a funny thing-
I can't exactly nick it--
*With fulminations at the beard,
And crosier dabs at cricket,
The readiness that we observe
To further a relation ;
A nice young man, without a beard,
Just hot from ordination.
A proper fledgling of the Churh.k-
Of course the better pastor-
So turn him out who day by day
Hath laboured for the MASTER.
But then, you see, it hath been proved
There is another ruling
Than stupid right- so let us go
To ROCHESTER for schooling.

A Hint to the Northern Generals.
As the darkiess" in the Northern army are treated and spoken to
in such a mild and flattering manner by their officers, being sometimes
addressed as "scoundrels," etc., might not one of the words of com-
mand to them very appropriately be found in an. advertisement so
frequently seen in our newspapers, "Fire, thieves, fire?"

BROTHER IGNATIUS.
"DELUDED or not, it is easy to tell
He is not, at any rate, under a spell."


THE TALE OF THiE TELEGRAPH.
SLONDON is now connectOetl ath Sidon anil with .lru, s.Ilni by tel,';rai b."
IF thlis notion you'd told
To our ancestors old,
They'd have 1i., I i that you wished to bambioozlo 'cni.
They'd have cried with a laugl,
Ha, ha! telegraph
From Great Britain across to Jerusalem !
Oh, no, no, no, no !
You can't trick us so,
Although very sharp in these days you may grow 1"
And if from near Tyro
You said with a wire
That country to this had been tied on,
They'd just have cried, "Pooh !
That nonsense won't do.!
You've lied on, and tried on with Sidon !
But no, no, no, no !
You can't trick us so.
These telegraph notions are simply no go !"
Could they only now wake,
And a survey just take,.
They would cry out, Clamore iqlsterioo,"
To find that it takes
But a couple of shakes
To convey any message to Jericho !
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho,
'Twould be our turn to crow:
"You wouldn't believe it when I told you so l"

Just on the Strike.
ONE of the saddest monuments to O'CONNELL which we :in
observe, and one more likely to last than the Dublin one, is the effl'et
of his mischievous question-
Hereditary bondsmen, know ye not
Who would be free themselves must strike- '
We regret to see that hapless wights in the Black Country are out on
strike; such conduct will not strike conviction to the minds of their
masters, but will strike a wrong balanee for themselves at the buitoher.i
and bakers-if it does not strike ol'f the joints at the former, and strike
off the rolls at the latter.

Invisible Black.
THE American papers state that negroes are very scarce in New
York now, and even scarcer in the army. Naturally, the Yankoes are
distressed at the latter bit of news, because they like to fill their ranks
with any bodies except their own. If they will send overto England,
now that we are taking to fires again, we can supply them with lois of
blacks, and ones, too, that won't object to fighting,, for they are given
to falling,.and. would soot 'oem to a ninety.

A PRETTY PICKLt I
Wa see it stated in. a. menoh paper that
"The Bedouin Arabs who have revolted me to be sent to Cayenne,"
Once there, they haven't "PEp 'ra's Ghost" of a chance of escaping.

RATHiER AWKWARD.
A GENTLEMAN of our acquaintance who is sometimes extremely
unfortunate in the selection of his phrases, remarked at a party, lately,
in the hearing of the mamma of the bello of the evening," who had
just risen from the piano, Yes, she is, indeed, a charming girl-a very
nice creature "-nice screecher I

FoREIGN INTELLIGENCE.-Berlin, Sept. 9th, 1804.-" Great dull-
ness reigns here."
A CAUTION TO DiscouNTls.-People who "bill it" very often
" hook it," as wtll, shortly afterwards.
BOOKS IN TEE PiJESS.-" ]Iuimian l Physiognomy, or the Phases of
Man." The Last of the Baronde:" to be dedicated to the Lord
Mayor of Lond.n.
SroRrING.-A young noblemanhas lately expressed a most decided
opinion that he can't help winning next year's Derby. It is expected
that his lordship will run riot on the occasion.







]F UJ I .N -OCTOBER 22, 1864.


A KENNEL FIGHT.


Lull (looking into his neighbour's Kennel):-"'TIS A PITY TO SEE WELL-BTIED ONFS GOING TO THE
BAD THAT FASHION. MOST PRODIGIOUS FOND THE BEGGARS USED TO BE THOUGH 0'
YELPIN' AND YAPPIN' AT ME." [Left fighting.


13-


I








FU TJN.-OCTOBER 22 1864.


THE CLOUDS REFORMING.
Mr. Bull :-" AFRAID IT'S RETURNING, EIH? WELL, ChIEER UP, MY GIRL! I MANAGED TO HELP
YOU BEFORE, AND THOUGH THINGS ARE A LITTLE 'TIGHT,' YOU SHAN'T WANT!"
-See Times" of October 12.


___: .. _--7. ..
Z-- : -T = "









OCTOBER 22, 1864.]


FTJN.


DE G NERA.TE PEERS.
METHOUGHT within an ancient hall
A host of statues stood
Of those Old Enilind loves to call
Her great, her brave, her good.
And then methought a spectre came,
A shade of solemn brow,
And from some statues standing there
Hoe rends the mottoes now.
He paused before DxAHOUSIE'S form
And read the motto there,
"Which tells how valiant deeds are done
"By labour and by prayer."*
And as he tore the motto down
He dropped a silent tear,
And neathh the lordly sculpture wrote
These words, "Degen'rate Peer."
Time was DALHOusIE'S trenchant sword
Flashed foremost in the fight;
Time was DALHOUSIE's battle-axe
Was ever keen and bright;
Time was DAiLHOUsIE's quivering spear
Was firmly set in rest ;
Time was a host of valiant men
Followed his waving crest;.
"Long years ago thy sires did train
Brave gallants for tlhe field,
And taught them how the battle-axe
And falchion keen to wield.
And as upon the tented plain
Gay knights their badge did rear,
From peer and knight, from horse and foot,
Burst forth a deafening cheer.
"In the dear ranks of Liberty
No longer art thou found-
No more upon the battle-field
Thy charger paws the ground;
No more dost thou againstt tyranny
Couch low the quivering spear;
And so upon thy statue's base
I write Degen'rate Peer.'
"Since againstt the cause of liberty
Thou dar'st to take the field,
gTorn be the wivern from thy helm,
And shattered be thy shield ;
And in the place of those bravo words,
By labour and by prayer,'
Be this sad line, Degen'rate Peer,'
For ever written there."
And then 'fore baron, duke, and earl,
The spectre bent his way ;
Though lords be there of high degree,
Yet none dare say him nay;
And when before LORD KINNAIRD's form
That spectre stays his pace,
Methought a blush, as if of shame,
Passed o'er that statue's face.
And from the spectre's lightning eye
Flashed forth a glance of scorn,
As flashes blood-red levin brand
From thunder-cloudlet born;
And while one hand tore from his grasp
The baron's trusty spear,
The other graved upon his crest
These words, "Dagen'rate Peer."
And then, as on his baron's crest
The wrath-charged lightning broke,
Methought in tones as thunder loud,
The angry spectre spoke;
And as beneath his grisly heel
He trod the shivered spear,
He thus began his fierce harangue:-
"KINNAIRD, Degen'rate Peer,

The motto of the house of RAMSAY OF DALTIOUSIF, from whicn Loan PANMBsa
(now MAlRuis DALIIOUSIE) is descended, is Ora et Labora."


"In days gono' by Ihy nIei estior
Were would to A'.. t', li 1.1 l
Knights, in their train, roei' c. ..-- i,
With lance, and swordl, :nlt slhii Ii.
'Giainst Sarac.u' :,iil 'Palldi
Each gallant conche'd hi. ,par :
Then KINNAIRI) wias, liko brave I.AYARnD,
Wihout reproach or fcar.
"Once did thopenuou of KINNAIRD
O'er brave free lances borne,
Signal defeat of SALADIX,
Of all his glories shorn;
Once did his brave marauding force
Sweep o'er the eastern deeps;
But hbi des'eudants take the chair
At tea-meetings of sweeps.
"Still, KINNAl l do thou take Uh3 chair
At; Lea lights of the sweeps,
And emulate :LORD SHArFT'SHiURYv,
Who ExtrrTR's pledge keeps;
Still do thou use the grey gooso-quill
In place of quivering spear;
But still upon thy blrgonet
I write Degen'rate 'oree.' "


A Girdlo Round the World.
TaE boast of the tricks sprite see is nigh upon accoliplishltent,
if we are to place any confidence in tlte statement contained in I ho
following letter, recently sent to the gentleman who objected to Alu.
FREDERICK FIELD's name being retained on the list of voters for tilhe
city of London:-
Saddlers' Hall, Cheapside, Aug. li, 186it.-Sir, -Your letter Thldn'ro d to 1 it
FL'KEDERICK FIELD) hias been just received by me, hebelit g for the muetenlt ub-ent fiom
England. (Laughter.) I request to be informed," etc.,etc.
We are prepared to admit that in this age of railways, electric tele-
graphs, and excursions to Brighton and back for half-a-crown, rapid
travelling is by no means an unusual thing. A man may breakfast in
London, dine in Paris, and sleep at Marseilles, yet that extraordinary
swift journey will occupy some fourteen or fifteen hours, so that a
man who is absent from England for a moment or two is, even in this
advanced ago, a decided curiosity.
We can fancy him rising early and travelling to the Channel I islands to
secure good butter for his matutinal meal, returning riT Southampton
to purchase a few rashers of "real ]Hampshiro bacon." lie would
think nothing of making a morning excursion to Strasbourg to obtain
a pdaldefoie gras, and if lie had a leisure day, no doubt le would visit
Canton to buy a chest of prime Souchong. Should tlhe gentleman
call at our oflice we shall be happy to hand hii features down to
posterity, through the medium of our wood engraver.


The Schoolmaster Abroad.
A MEETING of German schoolmasters took place in Hanover, on tho
27th September. The papers announcing the assemblage say that no
particular object or reason for the congregation of this learned body
is assigned." With such a programme, and considering tlhe nationality
of the schoolmasters, it would not naturally bhe very astounding if the
meeting ended in smoke.

A QUESTION FOIL Till' BENCH OF 1!ISO1'1H.
WnY is the Bishop of London one of the most punctual risers on
record ?
Because no matter at what hour he goes to bed he invariably gets
up a TAIT (at eight).

A LITTLE LAUGII AND IIALF.
A COCKNEY tourist who has just returned from an excursion across
the Channel, rushes in to tell us that though porter may be bad
enough in London, he decidedly met with firsailles near Paris.

A Novelty for the Opening Night.
Br the kind permission of Ms. BENJAMIN WVEBSTB, tile follow-
ing conundrum makes its appearance in print for this occasion only.
What is the difference between tihe old Dreadnought as it was and the
new Adelphi as it is ? The one was rated a three-decker and the
other is the re-decorated.


I









58 F


THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
(SECOND SERIES.)
CHAPTER X.
SEC. 1.-THE PHYSIOGNOMIST ON THE CAB RANK.
S'Fore Wheeler.1"-ropular Oath.
S a popular author once observed in the
C. P.'s hearing, just as that philosopher
was in the act of peeling a large piece of
melon at a Table d'hote in Pau, in the
Lower Pyrenees-but no, on second
thoughts he will not reveal that author's
remark. It may be that the cavilling
crowd will jeer, and say to each other,
"This philosopher! He has bound
himself by a fearful oath to commence
this chapter with a word that will satis-
S 3 factorily employ the initial A, which is
depicted above, and he has resorted to
the device to ease him of his difficulty. We are young men from the
country, and, moreover, it is many days since our mothers presented
us to a wondering world. This device reminds us of one WALKER,
albeit that it is no go." These and many other remarks tending to
convey an impression of preternatural sagacity on the part of a re-
markably thickheaded and curiously obtuse public (his contempt for
whom the C. P. has never been at any pains to conceal), will most
certainly be uttered aloud with much relish on Wednesday morning
next, in those particular spheres of action in which the more remarkably
dunderheaded members of the public are wont to move. Such, for
instance, are our public offices, our vestry halls, our parliamentary
committee-rooms (the C. P. is mentioning these as they occur to him,
without reference to social priorities), our common jury-boxes, our
Kensington Garden arbours, our third rows of theatrical pits, our Pig
and Whistle harmonic gatherings, our debating clubs, our comic
paper offices (save and except that one only, in a small and particularly
hot and printing-inky cupboard of which the C. P. is at present
engaged in writing words that burn), our tops of omnibuses, and
in point of fact, in all those situations in life which tend so to triturate
the intellectual faculties of the miserable creatures who occupy
them, that, like an old knife, they become worn down to a certain
pitch of sham sharpness, but at the same time are unable from sheer
want of moral back-bone to cut through anything. The C. P. trusts
his readers have understood the meaning conveyed by this lengthy
sentence, but he fears that its philosophy is beyond them.
The question now is, how to bring this digression satisfactorily round
to the subject of cab ranks, which is set forth as the menu for this
section. A more blundering author than the C. P. would take great
pains and expend much study in discovering some very far-fetched
method of proving that an intimate connection existed between the
dunderheadedness of the public (which, he may say, for the infor-
mation of those volatile readers who skipped the preceding paragraph
of this section as soon as they discovered that it talked a whit more
learnedly than is the wont of those authors whom they are accustomed
to read, is the question treated of)-between the dunderheadedness of
the public and the fact that cabs when unemployed are required to
place themselves in single rows under the direction of a fatherly police.
A more blundering author than the C. P. would have taken pains to
show this, and would probably have failed. The C. P. scorns to resort
to so transparent an artifice, and not seeing any connection, actual or
moral, between these two facts, we'll be at no pains to teach the public
that any such connection exists.
SEC. 2.-THE CABMEN ENCOUNTERED BY THE C. P.
"Natura fieret laudabile cabmen."-lHor.. As. Poetica, 108.
THE C. P. has had occasion in the course of a lengthy and a varied
career to employ a great many cabs, and an equal number of cabmen.
He has studied them minutely, having invariably given them much
rum at the conclusion of a journey, the more especially if they have
been peculiarly insolent. Whenever a cabman upon being paid his
fare exclaims, "Hullo, guv'nor, this here won't do!" the C. P.
says to himself, "This is a man to be asked in and treated with various
Jamaica fakements," and the refractory cabman is asked in and
rummed to that point that he reveals to the sober and attentive philo-
sopher the innermost secrets of his predatory race. He is then turned,
very tipsy, out on to his cab, and is taken up by the police before he
reaches the corner of the street. The advantages of this plan are
obvious. An ordinary summons costs, on an average, about thirty
shillings, including cab fare twice to and from the police-court, loss of
time, and loss of health, owing to the miasmatic (that's a good word-
mem., to use this word liberally for some time to come) condition of the


TN.


[OCTOBER 22, 1864.


court, besides the chances of the matter being decided against you.
Whereas the C. P.'s plan involves nothing in the world beyond an
expenditure of half-a-crown in bad, strong, mahogany-flavoured rum.
In return for this you obtain a valu-
able insight into the cab-driving
character, and further ensure the
offender's subsequent prosecution at
the expense of the Nation.
Here is the political cabman. He
drives a Hansom, and is remarkable
for possessing very clean and shiny
"points." His hair, face, ears, hands,
and boots glisten in the sun, and an
atmosphere of yellow soap rings in
your nose (that sounds like pigs) as
you hail him. He is, as a rule, civil,
and unusually well informed on pot-
house politics. He has a good deal of
the look of the second mate of a mer-
chantman who has changed clothes
with an ostler. l
Here is the dandy cabman. He is a young man
who presents a compromise between a sporting
shopman and an ordinary bus-conductor, and is
remarkable for an air of conscious beauty which
pervades every movement, He is far too great a a
swell to argue about a sixpence, and prefers treating
an illiberal public with the contempt they deserve ;
a feeling which is gracefully hinted at by much
spitting, on the receipt of an insufficient fare.
The gentleman in the initial is a cunning old card.
He drives a four-wheeler, and is extensively patron-
ized by old ladies with small children. He looks es-
pecially after this particular description of fare, for
they are not, as a rule, anxious to drive at the rate
of fourteen miles an hour, and their knowledge of
London topography is so limited that he has no
difficulty in spinning out a two-mile journey to
double that length. He is almost courtly in his
attentions to his old ladies, and is particularly
careful with the children, and contrives to get
on the most intimate terms with them in the
short space of time occupied in getting in and
out of his cab.
This is the sarcastic cabman. He is rather
smart in his general "get up," and wears an
old sporting green coat. When his fare fails
to satisfy Ihim, he does not resort to vulgar
abuse, but "puts it to him," as a father might
speak to his son, whether such a sum is really
an adequate consideration for the distance '.
traversed. If this appeal is unsuccessful, he
brings into operation those powers of sarcasm
with which a considerate Providence has blessed
him in a peculiarly high degree. Any interview
between cabman and client that has reached this
point is extremely interesting to the unprejudiced
bystander, if he is interested to know how very
remote indeed is the connection between mere -
impertinence and the operation of SIR R. MAYNE'S Cab Act.
This is the thorough bad lot. In the first place he has on a tall hat,
and it is a broad principle among cab-goers that a cabman in a tall
hat is a thing to be shunned. It is suggestive of his having many other
callings besides cab-driving, for no one who had to sit all day on a high
box would wear such a thing of his own
volition. He is the man, par excellence
(or rather par the reverse of excellence),
who procures for the whole craft that bad
name which is so universally applied to
them. He is a foul-mouthed bullying
scoundrel, whose cab-driving delin-
quencies are probably the most respect-
able features of his career. He has a .
curious compensating creed which teaches
him that when his horse annoys him he
is at liberty to take it out of his fare, and
when his fare annoys him he is at liberty
to take it out of his horse. And here
the C. P. may remark that when a cab horse is reduced to the
"ranks," so far from its stripes being cut off, they are, as a rule, laid
on much more numerously than before the degradation.









OCTOBER 22, 1864.] IF T N)


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBS.
SREALLY the Spiritualists are not improving in cunning. FORSTER'S
writing on the arm was at least a novelty. The hanky-panky tricks
of the DAVENPORT BROTHEES are derived from the conjurer's oldest
stores. They are from first to last contemptible bunglers-a mere
"one-horse concern," although there are two of them. Their tricks
are all performed in the most absolute darkness, whereas the ordinary
wizard goes through them in full light, and they have the aid of an
accomplice. For whereas the spectators are bound by dreadful threats
of broken heads to sit still and not break the circle, one of the DAVEN-
PORT Co. stands with match and candle apart for the pretended purpose
of throwing a light on the matter, but really to involve it in deeper
darkness. With regard to this same breaking of the circle, I have it
on authority that although, as predicted, all manifestations ceased
abruptly on the breaking of the chain by "a gentleman who happened
to be present," the solution of continuity may be quietly effected by
the septic or inquirer, aid no notice will be taken of it. An attempt
is being made to prevail on "eminent men of science, etc.," to in-
vestigate the hoax, but I trust the little game will not succeed. Would
any one expect a man of science to detect the modes operandi of the
professed juggler ? Still less would he have the chance of doing so
with these so-called Spiritualists, who guard every avenue by which a
discovery might be made with conditions imposed by the spirits. If
the spiritual Paillase only consents to tumble in the dark, the "most
eminent man of science" knows enough of optics to be convinced that
he can't see how he does it under that condition. It is too absurd to
ask men like SIR DAVID BREWSTER to play at blind-man's-buff with
HoMEs and DAvENPOrTS, who would take advantage of his enforced
blindness to pitk his pocket of his reputation. Before I quit the
subject of this clumsy trickery, I would just put one question plainly
before the believers in this sham-the dupes of the DATENPORTS.
When a coat is put on the back of a man tied hand and foot to a chair,
and is put on under the ropes in a very instant of time, and without
disturbing the knots, there are but two conclusions to arrive at. Either
it is a clever illusion, or it is a miracle. If the former, the DAVENPORTSa
are charlatans. If the latter-well! there is only one Being pos-
sessed of the power of performing miracles. There are the two horns
of the dilemma, and I leave the DAVJSYPORT dupes to choose between
them.
PooR dear DIzzY has been making a most lamentable exhibition of
himself at an agricultural dinner; he tried to talk farming and crops,
and went a cropper. Now BEN is all very well in his place. When
you see him carrying the broom (with which he is going to sweep so
clean), and clad in the rags of protection, running before MR. BULL,
doing cart-wheels and offering to "turn over again" for another half-
penny, you see he is not an instance of "matter misplaced," but on
farming he is simply ridiculous. The goose is a noble bird in his own
element, but he is not an elegant object while walking over a ploughed
field.
THE North London Industrial Exhibition will be opened shortly,
and will, I hope, be amply supported. EABL RUSSELL is to preside
at the inauguration. The working men should try to persuade him
to continue his visit from the 17th to the close of the exhibition.
He would be invaluable as an instance of" misplaced industry." Why
did not the managers get MR. GLADSTONE to ao their work ? He is
really the friend of the industrious classes, not a hereditary legislator
who has been pitchforked into reform and has betrayed it to whiggery.


India Proofs of Prosperity.
SIR Jona LAWRENCE is about to reduce the European army in
India ; and what is still more important, intends to repeal the Income
Tax. Happy Anglo-Indian-"fortunatos nimium "-how we poor
injured Anglians envy them I Will the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
who is a great patron of art, present the nation with a companion
picture "after LAwE.NCEn ?"

Charlie is my Dorling."
THE daughter of the famous MR. DORLING was married a few days
ago, and we wish her all happiness, and throw an old, acing plate after
her with pleasure. But why did she so depart from the course of her
race-or her race-course, if you prefer it-as to ,ut "no cards" after
the announcement. We don't think that was "k'rect."

FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
THE Hox. BRUCE OGILVY has signed the pledge. We did think
he could fall no lower than he had already done !


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP i1r OUn Own MOUCHAUn.
SM1TH.-W ell, if all trail s fail I mean to start as a Spiritualist., and
got one of the Tim's, young men to attend my private t.''(t1a(s.
Bu:owNs.--Well, it does seem a good business, indil the puff you got
from lhe so-called lealiii journal w ill he of' no little usis'.
S.tIrrH.--Yes ; amd. you soe. nitr :ll it is not very diflitult. A few
conimmon tricks done 1i1 a darkened room, aind there you arte a full
blown medium.
BEOWN.-But then there may come an exposure, and where are
you then ?
SMITH.-Oh, there's no fear of that. Hle who trades upon the
credulity of his fellow-men has an inexhaustible capital.
BRowN.-Civilized warfare, according to Prussian iand Austrian
notions, seems to be-first, conquer your enemy, then slmin hiim.
SMITH.-To judge from the proceedings of the allies in Jutoland,
your definition is not altogether incorrect. Still the 1)aues may take
comfort.
BRoWN.-Well, T don't exactly see wh cre in their case the comfort
comes in. I should like an explanation.
SMITH.-Why, you see, if they are robbed now, the robbers' turn
will come in good tiie.
BRowN.-Very true. and tho allies are giving a certain gentleman
not a hundred miles from Paris some very nice instruction gratis.
SMITH.-Aud, may be, when that, same gentleman lakes it into liis
head to stullify their beery ravings about the ii .. -I.'.i, of the
Rhine, the Prussians will rather wish their practice had not been
so unconnionly sharp in Denmark.
BRowN.-But what will the verdict of the rest of Europo be should
such proceedings take place P
SMITin.--Why, serve 'em right," of course.
BmoAWN.-On what principles do the magistrates go when granting
the music and dancing licenses ? It seems to mi to rest chiefly with
the report of the police.
SMITH.-Just so, and that report depends upon the amount of
spirituous liquors poured down the throats of our civic guardians.
BROWN.-Then any one who wants a music ind dancing license
has only got to treat the police and the thing is done P
SMITH.- Exactly. Like the New York riots last year, it is all a
question of the draft.
BBowN.-ln fact the motto of the force might be, Beer and for
beer !"

"WHAT'S YOURl LITTLE GAME P"
WE clip the following paragraph from a contemporary, in order to
allay the terror it may cause in the hearts and stomtachs of those
who like a little game:-
Itis intendi, by somi new legal process, to nlix the atilt of p olio who has inl Iii ph s .t's-ionl gaIlo, illo'. by alny one who is olnaiufloo iyo, y law.
The holders uiiitit be able to trace back tlh career of his lpheast it, ia t'ridtgi, or
hare."
There is no fear of any such law being passed. If the purchalsers of
game had to pay, besides, for the pldigrees and title dt-ods of the
pheasants and partridges they would soon ccaso to buy. Now, a tlihe
chief object of the noble sportsmen and game preservers who nimko the
game laws is to sell their game, it is quite obvious that the-y won't Iell
themselves by any measure of this description.

A Runaway Rling at the Bell Bequest.
THE late MR. JACOR li,-LL bequeathed to the nation tliroe ,i I tures
-"The Maid and the Magpie," LANIDSF.iEE; The )lirby Dy,"
FRITH ; and The Hlorse Fair," BONtisun. May thie tialion b per-
umitted to ask where they are? Not at the National Gilhi i, -nor
even in Mn. COLt.' collection-or, at least, thai, Iporilion uii: i:,
publicly exhibited at South Kensington. We should like to hIaIt
what individual official has considerately placed thiemt in his 11 : nt
gallery to take carn of them until a place is ready for their rec-eption."

Teetotal Tippling.
Tnr other day we observed among the applications for music and
dancing licenses, one from a Mit. It. iFonT, who required a lircenso or a
" Temperance Hall." But it appeared lie kept a beer-house next door
to the teetotal assembly-rooi, and theo inference can be i,; easily drawn
as the beer, and the meaning of the propinquity convoyed to lthie militl
as easily as the liquid to the months which made hollow prof siions of
abstinence. Thie near neiglibourhlood of M FourT'S beer--limuse and
his pump-room can hardly be a Fl'oiT-uitous concitrreite, ilnd it. is
easy to see why good teetotallers should so frequently "take a drot, in "
at the T mperance Hail.







- --.--- no 1001


LUCTOBER .dn, LOU%.


FUN.


A CRITIC.
Rival Artiste, on corn chest, w;.th thie pig-jobting wilp :-" W'ELL, SAMIYEL, AND YOU CALLS THAT CLIPPIN' NOW IF 'D A BIN
ARST, I'D A 8WOR THAT YOU'D A WELL GREASED 'IXI AND LEFT 'li1 OVER NIGHT WHERE THERE WOS A LOT 0' RATS."


LITERARY GOSSIP
(THAT HAS NOT YET APPEARED IN THE "ATHENJEU=3").
WE understand the BIsHor OF 31AICHETISTER, who has lately so
distinguished himself in his controversy with DR. MoLrSWOrTH, has
beeoon requested by the publisher of the "Slang Dictionary" to furnish a
supplement to that interesting work, to consist of clerical terms of
abuse at present in vogue amongst the profession. It is to be in three
parts. The first to contain a list of abusive epithets suitable for
general use ; the second, of terms adapted to the conversion or denun-
ciation of heretics (COLENSO, essayists and reviewers, &c.) ; and the
third, of a select assortment of curses for those persons, should any
exist, who may attempt to despoil the Church of her rightful posses-
sions, by cutting down the revenues of the bishops.
OURa Madrid correspondent informs us that the Ex-Queen
of Spain has, during her exile, been engaged in preparing for the
press an Essay on Virtue, with illustrations on the same, taken
from her Majesty's own life. This will be a highly interesting work,
and we can safely recommend it to our readers.
IT is not generally known that CAPTAIN MA.YNE REID'S celebrated
book on croquet was originally commenced while chasing the grim
grisly over the boundless "paraira;" yet such is the case, and the
elaborate problems which accompany this deeply erudite work were
worked out solely with the assistance of a rifle-stock and the skull of a
defunct buffalo. And yet with these rude implements of play, the
masterpie e at which all Europe, nay, we may say the whole inhabited
globe, is wondering, was produced.
A HIGHLY interesting collection of letters by the Foreign Secretary
will shortly appear, entitled "Letters I had better not have written."
It is supposed that the collection will contain most of the official
despatches sent off by EARL RUSSELL since the commencement of his
holding office, and, of course, all his epistles bearing on the Danish
question.


MEss s. IAssiTAN and CHALL have entered into negotiations with
DR. CuMaimN for a treatise on the haunts and habits of the British-
well, suppose we say-NORFOLK HOWARD. The learned doctor is now
in Beds prosecuting the necessary researches for the accomplishment
of his valuable purposes.
"OuR Common Acquaintance," by the author of "Our Mutual
Friend," will appear after the conclusion of the latter work ; to be fol-
lowed by "Your Friend," and a final novel entitled "My Friend."
WE have been requested to contradict the rumour that the POPE is
about to publish a work on "American Drinks, and how to mix
them;" though we believe that his Holiness did at one time contem-
plate writing an essay on Gin Shops, regarded as a means of Civiliza-
tion," but was deterred by MI. GouGH, who, on a visit to the Vati-
can, persuaded Pio NONO to sign the pledge, since which time his
Holiness lias never drunk anything stronger than brandy.


Where the Bee Sucks.
WE observe that HER MAJESTY while staying at Balmoral paid a
visit to Clcva. This established the fact that Clova is in Scotland,
although certain foreigners have endeavoured by calling it "Dutch
Clover to persuade us that it formed part of another country. Per-
hips the Dutch would like us to believe that they took it when they
took Holland.

Oh, My Eye!
THE Indipendence, describing the ascent of NADAR'S balloon, says
"a hundred thousand hearts were beating as they witnessed it; a
hundred thousand eyes were watching the movements of the balloon !"
What a curious coincidence that there should have been so many one-
eyed people present at once !

"PAST AND "SLOW" WRITERS.-SWIFT and CRABBE.


rrir d by JUDI) & GLASS, tS, 79, & 80, Flect-street, and Published (f, r :-e Projri :ers) by CII RLES WHYTE, at the Office, 0S, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 22,1864.









FUN.


SOCIAL OUTLINES.
No. 2.-DOING A CATHEDRAL.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHES AT THE PUBS.
THE cloak of mystery which enveloped the DAVENPORT BROTHERS has been lifted enough to show
the cloven foot. MB. DION BOUCICAULT has suddenly taken a deep interest in them, and it is
rumoured that he is the "spirited" entrepreneur. Under such auspices, and with the aid of
an ex-assistant of a conjurer, the DAVENPORT BROTHERS need no vouchers for their respectability.
We shall be expecting to hear that some of the spirits have a desire to be laid out in the moonbeams.
It would not be a more absurd thing for them to do than they are in the habit of doing at those
Colney Hatch conversaziones, called siances. By the way, I understand that the DAVENPORT
BROTHERS never attend 8sances alone, they are always attended by MESSRS. PALMER, FPAY, and
FERGUSON. Five men-all Yankees except one, and he late assistant to a conjurer-can do a good
deal in the way of spiritual manifestations in the dark. Even supposing two of the number to
be tied in chairs, they can yet muster half-a-dozen spirit hands. I shall be very glad to hear of the
detection of these quacks, and hope the entrepreneur's speculation may be as successful as his
auditorium at Astley's, though it is much nearer to the parks than that theatre ;-witness
VISCOUNT BURY's presence. But VISCOUNT BusY, though not a bad lord as lords go, is not
exactly the man whom I should suppose capable of finding out hanky-panky.
EssEx, the county of calves and Conservatives, has had its usual outburst of Tory triumph, at the
Farmers' Club dinner at Castle Headingham. MAJOH BERESFORD and MR. Du CANE were the
lions-or, I should have said, wore the lions' skins on the occasion, and roared as might be expected.
MAJoR BEREsronD, according to his wont, played the hoary buffoon; ME. Du CANE the juvenile
heavysides. The major was excessively hard on EARL RUSSELL, but then every one knows the
old story "in that connection"-the brief, case weak, abuse the plaintiff's attorney." How
this shrieking duet of petty party politicians reads as compared with the large, grand, and calm
philosophy of the Chancellor of the Exchequer in Lancashire. I should think his visit to the
North will decide one thing, that he will ere long find a representation far better suited for him than
that which he now honours, but which so little appreciates him. Oxford, the so-called seat of
learning, is, as any one knows who has been there, a very considerable sham, a forcing bed for
foolish parsons with family livings, and a bin, full of dry rot, wherein minds that might be of use
in the world grow cobwebby on fellowships, a sink wherein many a young man's little all is swal-
lowed up by harpy tradesmen. I, for one, have little respect for Alma Msater, except as a pleasant
boarding house for young men of means. So if the foolish old woman is not conscious of the honour
MR. GLADSTONE does her, she deserves to lose him. The time has gone by when the seat for


OCTOBER 29, 1864.]


VOL. VII. G


01

the University was considered the Blue
Ribbon of the House of Commons. That
notion was promulgated by University-
bred M.P., whose interest it was to start
it, and accepted by men who were utterly
ignorant on the subject.
I AM glad to see that Birmingham and
Manchester are following a good example,
and propose to hold working class indus-
trial exhibitions. If I were as modest as
the Daily Telegraph I should arrogate all
the credit of the movement to myself, for
I have advocated it on every opportunity.
But such a movement needs no advocates,
its merits are plain on the face of it.

The Doleful Ballad of Billy Bulky.
DEDICATED TO MR. BANTING.
BILL BULKY was a publican,
Who kept an inn, and out
Of that he found the public beer-
And the public found him stout.
For he, by some fat-ality,
So much in girth did measure,
That his rotundity was not
At all a round of pleasure.
Yet could not as extravagant
This to his charge be placed,
For it was certain no one could
Accuse him of a waist.
Now, BULKY, he a widow loved,
And fondly longed to mate,
For his affection, like himself,
Of course, was very great.
But weight for age," she would remark
That difference there was one-
For she was hardly turned two score,
And he was twenty stone.
And so she could not hear his suit,
And gave him sharp replies;
She said she didn't mind his prayers,
And couldn't stand his sighs.
Besides," said she, the people all
Would at our wedding laugh;
For fancy how on earth could I
Become your better half P"
So BULKY, when hie found that she
Refused to answer "yes,"
Inquired if she'd think more of him
If she should find him less.
Then in despair he rushed away
And cut (no-not is throat-
But) off his grub in such a way
As BANTING's hints denote.
So rapidly was he reduced,
That though some people think
That fat is always sure to swim,
He soon began to sink.
The doctor came, and bade him give
The BANTING system o'er-
Or he would him. If he grow less,
He soon would be no more.
But if he took to food again,
'Twould quickly then be found
That he would be restored to health,
By daily coming round.
But BULKY his advice refused,
And feelingly declared
That though he starved himself so thin,
Few could be better spared.
And so he died. The crowner came;
The jurymen were nine;
They said the body was so lean,
It looked like a decline.
But when they heard how portly once
Had been that bone and skin,
They brought a verdict, Died from love:
And love through thick and thin."









[OcTOBER 29, 1864.


62 FUN.


NOCTES CONSTABULARIANAE;
OR,
MINUTES OF THE MUTUAL IMPROVEMENT SOCIETY, ESTABLISHED
BY THE ASSOCIATErD RANK AND FILE OF HER MAJESTY'S
MOST HONOUEABLE CORPS. OF POLICEMEN AT AaMs.
27Te weekly meetings are held in the back parlours of various public-
houses in various districts, classified and selected by rotation.
Reported expressly for this journal by a Member of the Hebdomadal
Board. Author of "The Whole Duty of a Policeman;" "The
Policeman's Catechism;" The Staff, and How to Use it ;" "The
Eye, and How to Shut it;" The Hand, and How to Open it;"
"The Blind Side of an Inspector, and How. to Get Upon it "
"Gammon Made Easy," etc., etc., etc.
SATURDAY, 8TH OCTOBER, 1864.
Western District-(Time and place not supplied to us by our
Reporter).
X 50, the next on tho rota of presidents, having taken the chair,
called upon the Secretary to read the minutes of the last meeting,
which having been done, the Chairman proceeded to address the
assembly.
He (the Chairman) had much pride and pleasure in being called
upon to take the chair. He (the Chairman) was not at all proud;
there was gents who had behaved handsome, as could prove his words.
(Hear, hear.) There was the ladies of the career as could likewise
give evidence to that there effect (hear, hear), but his brethren would
excuse him from being something in the proud line just at the present
moment of speaking, but he wouldn't say much-he hoped he was a
man of few words. (Cheers.) He would accept that cheer, he was a
man of few words, and perhaps they would allow him to add, a man
who knew the value of a bit of timber. (Renewed cheers.) He
believed that "few words" was about the right thing for a member
of the Force; nobody would deny that, not even their enemies
(hear, hear), but there was something more than "few words"
if they wanted to get on in their profession, if they wanted to
be regarded as active and' intelligent officers." Did they know
what gammon meant ? (Hear, hear.) To those who were not up
to it as they ought to be, he recommended the study of that most
excellent little Guide lately compiled by an intellectual brother, whose
name he need not give them. (Hlear, hear.) Were they wide-awake
to the importance of always having some work for the night inspector ?
(Yes, yes.) Did they not know that in case they nobbled nobody
they might say they had lost a day ? (Loud cheering.) But was
that all ? No Did they know what a staff was ? (Cheers.) Did
they know the use of it ? (Renewed cheers.) Would they draw it
on the slightest provocation ? (Loud cheers, and cries of "We will,
we will.") Ho was happy to hear it; he felt proud again ; he felt he
was in the company of chosen spirits-he begged pardon for the
pleasantry-but had they all chosen spirits? At any rate, he hoped
every one was enjoying his own peculiar tipple. (Vociferous laughter
and cheers.) However, going backward to the real business of the
evening, it became his duty to report the condition and prospects of
their Association. They would be happy to hear that their number
were on the increase (hear, hear), though he was bound to admit
that as yet the majority of the force objected to enter, and too many
of the inspectors were difficult to manage, but he hoped better things
by-and-by. While upon this subject, he (the tChairman) would give
them an instance of ignorance on the part of one of his own division,
which would speak volumes. He(the Chairman) having endeavoured
to got this party to be one of them, was told by the party that he (the
party) would rather let a man whom he thought guilty escape, than
collar one he know to be innocent. (Vehement groans.) He (the
Chairman) was happy to hear this expression of their feelings; it showed
that their hearts were in theright place, and that they regarded men
who indulge in such like sentiments, as unfit for the company of
gentlemen. (Loud and general cheering, during which the Chairman
resumed his seat.)
The CHAIM.MAN presently rose again to state that he was ready to
receive the reports of their junior brethren of the Upper Class; after
which lie would proceed to catechise the Lower School, who, in accord-
ance with the usage of their association, were enjoying themselves
in another room until a deputation from the general body requested
their attendance. He (the Chairman) could not refrain from express-
ing his sense of the propriety of this arrangement; it was highly im-
portant that the juniors should say their catechism out of their own
heads, which of course couldn't be the case it they listened to the ex-
perience of the Upper School.
The SECRErARY then proceeded to read the following reports
"Y 300, reports that on his beat the times has been uncommon bad
for the last week. For three nights, not a stroke of work worth


mentioning; a few drunks and disorderlys,' but they don't count
for nothing-a member of the Force gets no credit for that sort. How-
ever, last night, got on better. A gent, rather tight, in. Piccadilly,
complained that his pocket had been picked by a female. Saw he
was a gent as was a gent, and would behave as sich. Asked him to
point out the party. Gent pointed, and it was an all-rounder, and
gent fell in the gutter as he done it, but thought it my duty to do
something for the gent, so took a married woman who was going
home to her house up next street. Knowed the married party to be
respectable, but that don't count with me when work is dull, and there
was no other female handy. Told her she need not criminate herself,
and walked her off to the station. She was locked up; old YARDLEY
discharged her in the morning, and said I'd been too fast, but that's
his meanness." (Cheers, and cries of "Shame.")
"Z 515, believes he was- cut out for pullin' up ticket-o'-leavers.
Thinks it one of the best lines to go upon, and recommends
it. to the Force in general; wouldn't be selfish; likes to give
others the benefit of his own experience. Night before last,
old gent with spectacles, after getting out of a 'bus at Charing-
cross, missed his watch, and applied to me ; saw a party slopin' up the
Strand, and had reason to suspect he was the cove as knowed all about
it, 'specially as old gent described passenger inside answering pretty
close, but party slopin' was off at a tidy rate, so ticket-o'-leaver
happenin' to go by, considered it my duty to take him in charge.
He's been on the square, I know, since he come out, but that don't
signify to a member of the Force as knows his alphabet. Ticket-o'-
leaver let off next morning with a caution. Hope I've given satisfac-
tion." (Cheers.)
"X 619, thinks he has been badly treated by the public. His beat
is on a line where scrimmages is all the go, but for four nights the
neighbourhood was beastly quiet. That sort o' thing won't do by no
manner o' means when a neighbourhood is known to be shady. Bore
it with great patience for four nights, but felt there must be some-
thing done on the fifth. Couldn't get a chance till two o'clock in the
morning, at which time observed two men and two females a walking'
peaceably enough. Collared handiest man and told him he was
wanted, when other wanted to know what for, and tried to rescue
his companion; drew my staff (cheers) and gave him a tidy tap on the
head. (Renewed cheers). Women hollered; thought this was the
proper time to give the party I first took in charge something for
himself; did so, and repeated on the other party; drew blood from
both of 'em; obtained the assistance of a brother officer, and had the
whole four locked up for resisting the police in the execution of their
duty. Did all we could in the morning to obtain a conviction, but
as the gent who is on the bench in my district ain't what I call a gent,
didn't succeed; hope to do better next time. Rather afraid we may
get into :trouble about this here, and in that case hope for the assist-
ance of the Association."
X 620 having corroborated the statement of X 619, and having ex-
pressed the same fear and the same hope,
The CHAIRMAN begged to remind these officers that, however much
he and the Association in general might regret the failure of an enter-
prise which, he readily admitted, was a great credit to those con-
cerned, still by the rules of the Association no assistance could be
granted to a discharged member of the Force.. He hoped that dis-
charge would not be the lot of those two gentlemen who had just
now reported, but if it were, he was compelled to remind them that
once out of the Force they had no claims upon it-in fact would be
at once looked upon and treated by their former brethren as men of
the worst character. (Cheers.)
Y 315, reports work very slack down his line; felt he was losing'
ground every day; wasn't going' to stand no more o' that 'ere. Saw a
real gent a staring' at him, told him to move on, said I knowed him,
better not come any of his old games with me. Gent cut up rough;
with the assistance of 310 took him to the station-house, and if his
coat was a trifle torn 'twps his own fault; he should have gone quieter.
Besides, gave him the chance to make it all right with me and my
mate; said we wouldn't be unreasonable. Gent was shabby-minded,
and I don't think we stood much nonsense after that. Inspector
wouldn't take the charge. We've a bad lot of inspectors at our house,
but I've done my best, and no Englishman can do more." (Loud
cheers.)
Several other reports were then read by the Secretary, and this
business being of a more extended character than usual, and, in con-
sequence, the hour of breaking up close at hand, the Chairman
put it to the vote that they consume the remaining half-hour in
their usual pleasant way, inviting the lower school to join them,
but reserving the Catechism and all reference to business matters for
the next occasion of assembly,
Which was unanimously agreed to, and the meeting shortly after-
wards adjourned.









OCTOBER 29, 1864.]


FUN.


A KNOCK HARDER FOR TENNYSON,
AND "AFTER HIM."
LoWG time the Laureate has been worn out,
And yet no void his said decay has left;
Because, though gems about his meagre verse
Were clustered, there were dreary mdors; and lower,
As long years creep over his gentle muse,
Becomes the tone, or genius of the jade;
Until he borrows (some use harsher tem)
Another's tragic story-flourishes,
Garb'd in a blank verse garment, thoughts he's prigg'd.
Here on this page, which million eyes will read,
FUN's faithful poet, yet unknown to fame,
The shyest, coyest scribbler for the press,
And printers' boys (called devils in the trade)
Will a knock harder give the "fated" swell
Than ever yet by adverse critic dealt
Amid the waste of "superfine review."
Hard toils the author, storing flashing thoughts,
Hankers his weary soul with sighs deepedrawn
For fame, and castles builds of thinnest air,
But sees them overwhelmed by gathk.ing debts;
And fearing e'en his baker, daily finds
His little bantlings daily swamp his coin;
While shallow coves "rnn in" and pass the post."
To prove that folly has the biggest luck,
SOUTHEY was first one time, WORDsWORTH was next;
But TENNYSON is mlilest, and at times,
Beyond comparison, absurdly weak.
This is my mwet, and now yag story read:
Three statesmen, .BRressMI, GOGDEN, BRIGHT, were named
And the stern greed of FPoea TICK's bright glanoe
Was felt by either-either fixed his eyes
On that great prize; amd RvssELL played his cards,
But COBDEN worked the masses, so did BRIGHT,
With promise of the Ballot, and a vote
To all the U:wiL.AeHD," and an equal right
In all and-anything that they could get.
And COBDEN bearded, in his righteous rage,
The mighty 'Thunderer, the daily JovE,
And drew its editor, like badger drawn
3 ysktilful "eanim" from his snug retreat,
When he traduced a speech that BRIGHT had made.
So let us merge these twain; COBDEN a'one
In this, Fun's epic, mean himself and BRIGHT ;
Like Brothers Corsican," twin in their views,
And doing battle for each other's words
(Either more lucidly the inmost thoughts
Of other can explain than he himself;
In short, so much like both is each, that scarce
The looker-on can which from t'other tell,
Or would, if asked, attempt it).
BR-SSELL set
A purpose evermore before his eyes
To work, till resting he might thankful be;
Then burking his own set, to make his price
An earldom; and so humbugged, that at last
A luckier or more hardened renegade,
Or muddler in-state-craft, never wentA
For leagues t. JOHN's-poor honest JoHNr BULL'S cost
For nothing. Likewise.had he oftentimes,
When boarding merchantmen-some Yankee snob-
Insulted, in his daring insolence,
Great Britain's flag; so penned his mild despatch
That all foes looked upon him sneeringly;
And yet so great his luck, his fool's reward,
That selling his own set he gained the prize-
An earldom; then, -at Blairgowrie speaking,
Told the wondering world that he had done
With all Reforming views, and such like bosh.
"Rest and be thankful" was his creed henceforth,
And, were they wise, would be his hearers' too I
Then first, since RUSSELL'S artful string had worked
The masses, JOHN BULL frothed against his words;
Yet not with brawling opposition frothed,
But sternly, through the press, with many sneers,
Until his words became the daily chaff,


The byword of the million, and the scorn
Of all whose purpose, honesty of will,
Or patriotic efibrt claims respect.
And so, like bubble that some child with pipe
And soap-suds oft creates, he pleased awhile;
Until, ascending into purer air,
His grosser particles collapsed, and he
In public estimation came to earth.
To that same party RUSSELL had betrayed,
COBDEN made love, and hunger'd for his place.
Surely," said COBDEN, "I now have a chance-
May be a faction leader;" therefore sought
To make himself conspicuous, attacked
In its most vulnerable part the J oyn
Of "press political" (THE WEATUE COCK),
And sought to prove agrarian was not,
Nor never could be, in its fullest sense
Agrarian at all; in fact, to use
Some homely phrases Eggs were never eggs,"
But that the moao had always been green cheese."
With much such reasoning, sound, and rich, and'rare,
He wood fair POLLY TicKs ; but she, with tears
(Or might be laughter hid behind her veil,
For damsels can thus simulate a sob),
Answered, I cannot take you in his place;
I feel so bitter, so completely sold.
Ere you spoke out my sorrow broke me down,
And now I feel your scheming knocks me up.
While RUSSELL lives for him I scorn must fool;
He will levant in time-you then may hope
That I may p'raps try you.
And COBDEN asked,
"Then you will let me, 0oLLY ? "
'Then she turned,
And smiling through her tears gave vent to this
Expression, HooxET WALima !"
Co2unw mused;
And for the present, as my -space grows short, J
-My muse, there let hia muso. So we amuse
Our kindly -patrons-Fuvr's enormous host
-Of harmed, delighted readers, so that we
May wake at home, .and o'er the world abroad,
In palace, mansion, and in lowly cot,
The genial laugh from young, old, middle-aged.
So, author, editor, may both be heard
'Crying .wih ;a'loud voice, "A sale! a sale "
We've eased the public this, and will nevt wook.
[The foregoing, ,presumed to be parody on, or of (have it which
way you will,.gentle reader) "Enoch Arden," we insert to pillory the
perpetrator, who -has evidently endeavoured to soft-soap us, at the
expense of -the inimitable and by -no noens languid Laureate. Our
correspondent, however, has -omitted to imitate certain un-scan-able
linesin the original *SBa'voR osw-ED. FUN.J


ITHE ,JOLLY MILLER.
W.E observe that MB. WILLIAM MILLER, M.P. for the Leigh
Burghs, has contributed 100 towards the fund for the construction of
a fisherman's harbour at Newhaven. Tho MILLER of Leigh, unlike
the Miller of Dee, is not one of those who care for nobody, and we are
sure the Newhaven fishermen will never see a lee shore without
thinking of him.

Nothing New.
THE Galway Mail Company is being wound-up; but it is said that
some difficulty is experienced in getting rid of the vessels. Those
who know the company's craft will not be astonished, considering the
reputation they have, at their finding it difficult now to sell a
packet."

TIT FOR TAT.
EVER since the explosion at Erith, the inhabitants of Woolwich
and Chatham have been blowing up the authorities for setting such
store of powder by them. They appear to forget, in their anxiety for
the removal of the explosive matter, that they are hastening the
catastrophe they dread. Of course, if it is taken away from these
places it will go off.







i U N.-N-OCTOBER 29, 1864.


I.


ALL IN GOOD TIME.
Mrs. Britannia :-"NOW, MY DEAR ITALY, BE SATISFIED; YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY AS YOU
ARE, AND MUST BE CONTENT FOR A WHILE TO DO WITHOUT THOSE LUXURIES; lAND YOU
KNOW, MY DEAR, YOU CAN'T AFFORD THEM JUST YET."





]F U N .-OCTOBER 29, 1864.


I 4 I

.... i


THE MODERN MAZEPPA.


- ~









OCTOBER 29, 1864.1 IF TJ N. (i


OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT AT A BAL MASQUE.
DEAR FUN,-Your correspondent is writing this article in the
lowest possible spirits, so if it is not distinguished by that remarkable
vigour which usually characterizes his contributions to your extraordi-
nary pages, attribute it-not to failing intellect or the having written
himself out, but rather to the fact that he witnessed last night three
hours' length of human idiocy in its most aggravating form, and that
he has not yet, recovered-from the depression induced thereby. He
has been awake all night endeavouring to argue himself into the belief
that as the drivelling revellers with whom he came into contact last
night were men, therefore he is not a man, but he regrets to say that
he has not yet arrived at that desirable conclusion. In the meantime
-until the problem is satisfactorily worked out, and he has convinced
himself that he is a pig or a dog-please address communications to
him as heretofore.
Your correspondent, it is perhaps unnecessary to say, went to the
hal masqud which forms the subject of this contribution, in the simple
and unpretending costume usually adopted by English gentlemen on
all occasions of nocturnal festivity. A stern moralizer amid a
thoughtless crowd, he needed no domino mask to conceal his finely
chiselled features. He was not: doing that of which he was ashamed,
for he was there with the object of improving the occasion, by drawing
useful deductions, and teaching high moral lessons from the scene of
human imbecility with which he was surrounded. He was there as a
utilizer of sewage.
Your correspondent never sees a masquerader at an English ball
without wondering to what particular social class he belongs. Who
would-unless indeed he were handsomely paid for it-who would
voluntarily array his ill-formed body and shambling legs in doublet
trunks and hose which have adorned every super. in London before
they found their way on to his bedroom table ? What fat man, in
bushy, common-looking, bag-man whiskers, would dress himself up as
RAPHAEL D'URrINo if he could possibly help it ? What thin,
stooping person with long hair and thin, scraggy, Newgate fringe upon
his chin, would voluntarily parade himself before three thousand
persons in the costume of. a colonel of Hussars ? Are they gentlemen ?
Good heavens, no Are they lawyers' clerks or drapers' assistants ?
'Unlikely, for these equipment, after all, cost money, though it be but
a sovereign or two. Are they persons connected with the lower walks
of the dramatic profession ? Certainly not, for these latter have
enough of fancy costume every evening in their lives, and their notion
of a night's holiday is associated with broadcloth and lay-down collars.
Your correspondent can only arrive at the conclusion that they are
domestic servants and small shopkeepers' sons who have come unex-
pectedly into a five-pound note. There must be a sufficient number
of such accidents among the million of people in London, belonging
to one or other of these classes, to account for the attendance at the
bal masqud last night.
It is curious how all these people quarrelled. These little differences
afforded, in point of fact, the only amusement of the evening. There
are few scenes more whimsically funny in themselves than a street
or theatre row between two people who, being extremely afraid of
each other, would do anything rather than fight, yet they are required
by a sense of what is due to the crowd around them to affect a nervous
anxiety to get at their mutual livers. If you look at such a row with
this idea in your head, you will find the behaviour of the wouldn't-
be combatants immensely amusing. Your correspondent witnessed a
row between a gentleman in. the (possibly assumed) character of a fat
cook, and another, a small one, costumed in the decidedly assumed
character of RKCHARD of the Lion Heart. He only came in for the
conclusion of the duet, but the last sentence of the fat cook struck him
as remarkable. It was this, "Now recollect that-I'll have no abusive
language addressed to me here, sir!" There was evidently in that cook's
mind a lively sense of the indecency of anything like impertinence in
such a place as the scene of JULLIEN's bal masqui. There were and
proper places for everything, and perhaps in its own particular sphere
impertinence might be tolerated, and even laughed at, but its intro-
duction to a scene of which decency, order, and good humour arc the
leading characteristics was a manifest impropriety, and one that de-
manded immediate resistance. Your correspondent did not stop to
inquire in what particular scenes of life abusive language might be
addressed to the fat cook with impunity.
The revellers were assisted by an efficient body of the A division of
police. This pretty compliment was doubly well-timed, for their neat
and cleanly appearance contrasted pleasantly with the filthy costumes
of the other visitors to the scene of festivity.. They were, in point of
fact, far and away the prettiest things in the room. They exercised a
remarkably mild sway, and discharged, their principal function-that
of seeing that ladies did not allow themselves to be hauled up from
the pit into the second tier-with much suavity. Their confidence in


their moral power was gigantic, for if a lady was detected in the act of
attempting to clamber up, they would go up to her in a body and
exclaim (chorus), Now, ma'am, we can't allow tflihat," and then inarch
off rapidly to a remote corner of the building. The inolloienoy of
this mode of rebuke was more than counterbalanced by the sweet
simplicity of the innocent creatures who uttered it.
Your correspondent remarked that to go up to a stranger and make
a low bow, assisting nature by placing the right hand at the back of
the head, was considered a good thing, and he was held to be a wag
who squirted scent into another's eyes. As two o'clock drew near, a
sensible change came o'er the spirit of the scene. It was at that hour
that the sham excitement caused by the novelty of the situation began
to wear off, and the fact that it would be necessary to pay two guineas
to the costumier within twelve hours began to assert itself in an un-
pleasantly vivid manner. It was then that revellers began to perform
curious little calculations in mental arithmetic, all of which had for
their object the discovering how much fun and jollity ought to bhe
procured for a two-guinea dress, a half-guinea ticket, and sevou-and-
sixpennyworth of cab, and having enjoyed a certain amount, how
much was still due to them, and whether they were likely to got it.
Your correspondent has jotted down a few of the impressions which
occurred to him as he wandered, solitary and dispirited, through the
crowd of odoriferous old clothes. He is grateful to M. JOLLIEN for
the forethought which induced him to perfume the theatre, in order
to subdue in some extent the rank smell of musty garments, but of
the two he rather preferred. the latter. The introduction of some
lime-light effects (which are capital things for setting off the com-
plexion) contributed to render the whole thing rather more ghastly
than it was before. The sight of some horrible men dressed as women,
with bronze boots and silk stockings, so sickened your correspondent
that he could stand it no longer. So he loft the theatre, and chartering
a Hansom, betook himself to his garret, and cried himself to sloop.


A BENEFIT OF CLERGY.
RANDox RHYMEs FOR RumMY TIMEs.
FATrHE GAVAZZI is about to give two lectures in Newcastle, in reply to
BROTHER IGNATIUS."
NEWCASTLE-ON-TYND,
What a sad fate is thine,
With two rival lecturers both in one line.
Says BROTHER IGNATIUS to FATHER GAVAZZI,
The truth you can really no more than a bat see I "
Says FATHER GAVAzzI to BROTHER IGNATIUS,
"Your remarks are not only untrue but ungracious."
There once was a couple of parsons,
Who breathed rapines, murders, and arsons,
Against one another-
Yes, brother againstt brother,
You'd scarce think of one faith they are sons.

SIGNS OF ITALY'S PROGRESS.
WE observe with great pleasure that M. PISANELLI, the Italian
Minister of Justice, has addressed a circular to the judicial authorities
of the kingdom, calling upon them to enforce rigidly the laws against
duelling, "which," as he justly observes,
Independently of its frequently plunging families into affliction, is of itself an
act most repugnant to the present state of civilization, while It, at the same time,
constitutes the most flagrant usurpation of public authority."
When we remember how short a time has elapsed since this miserable
sham of ordeal by battle gave way before the spread of civilization
in England, we may congratulate Italy on her determining not to lose
"a second" in carrying-out a "principle."

FASIIIONABLE NEWS.
WE understand that EARL RUSSELL is very anxious to purchase an
estate and mansion belonging to CouNTEss CowPRB, with a view to
residing there on his retirement from public life. Our readers will at
once guess that the property referred to is Wrest Park, Beds.

AN APPROPRIATE DISH FOR JOHN BRIGHT.-1'cace-pudding.
"THE NEW Cut,' LAMBETH."-That recently given by MB.
SPURGEON to some of his clerical brethren.
NOnTH AND SouTn.-The following "heading" lately appeared in
the papers: "SHERIDAN victorious over EAiLY." This is singular,
as most of the Northern generals have been victorious Over Lale."










68 FU


LICENSING DAY IN FLEET STREET.
LAST week an application was made at the office, 80, Fleet-street, by
two elderly persons, giving the names of PALMERSTON and RUSSELL,
for a renewal of the license for the "Government Head." The house is
situated in the parish of Westminster, and is the property of a MR.
BULL, who, however, is extremely dissatisfied with the way in which the
business of the establishment has for some time past been carried on.
He, therefore, requested the advice of the presiding magistrate, FuN,
ESQ., as to what steps he should pursue with regard to the applicants.
The worthy magistrate said that he must first hear the complaint, and
he should then be better able to give his advice.
In answer to this, Mn. BULL explained that the applicants PAL-
MERSTON and RUSSELL were only the heads of a company to whom he
had intrusted the premises, on condition that they should do their
best to further his interests, and that although PALMERSTON had been
in his time a good man of business, and had been employed by ME. B.
in various capacities for a number of years, yet of late he had
decidedly fallen off, and had given great cause of dissatisfaction to his
employer. As for RUSSELL, about thirty years ago he had done Mn.
BULL some service in reference to a bill that gentleman was desirous
of getting settled, and since that time, out of gratitude for the excellent
way in which he (RUSSELL) had furthered MR. B.'s interests on that
occasion, he had nearly always been retained on the establishment;
but, like PALMERSTOX, and even in a greater degree, latterly he had
displayed such marked incapacity that Mn. BULL would really be
glad to be rid of him at any price, but hardly knew how to do so with-
out discharging the whole company, amongst whom were some good
men of business. Moreover, should he do so, he would be obliged to
engage a rival company who had formerly been in his employment,
and had so mismanaged his affairs that he was compelled to send them
off at a very short notice indeed.
MR. Fox said the case was really a very difficult one to deal with,
still he should be happy to assist Mn. BULL either by granting or
withholding the license.
Mn. BULL replied he hardly knew what to say; the applicants had
acted in so unbusiness-like a manner during the past year, especially in
their foreign transactions. The scandalous way in which they had
treated a little Danish friend of his who had been robbed by two
fellows named HAPSBUnG and HOHENZOLLERN was positively
shameful. First, they had urged him on to defend himself ; and then,
when he had been fearfully ill-treated by the ruffians, they had turned
round on him and told him it was all his own fault for not giving up
his property quietly. The consequence of this conduct had been that
MR. BULL'S house had got a dreadfully bad name, and it would take a
long time before it recovered its reputation. Then, too, the PAL-
MEESTON-RUSSELL gang had managed, if not exactly to quarrel, at
any rate to act in such a manner towards a French house of business
with which he was connected, that the principal had declined to have
anything more to do with MR. BULL in future, which had been a
source of great inconvenience to that gentleman. Besides, the reckless
way in which the company had spent his money, under pretence of
getting strong bolts and bars put on his house, and, after all, having
nothing whatever to show for it, had so disgusted Mn. BULL that he
felt there must be a change of some sort.
PALMERSTON here stepped forward, and in a jaunty manner tried
to defend himself. He said that he and JoHxNY RUSSELL had done
their best, and he'd like to know what more MR. BULL required.
He'd saved ME. BULL a deal of money by not interfering for his
Danish friend, and he said he had engaged one of the best cashiers in
the world to look after the banking account. Finally, he wanted to
know who MR. BULL would get to do his business for him half so well
as himself (PALMERSTON) and his pals; and whether MR. B. thought
that follow Dizzy was the man to be trusted with so large a concern
as the Government Head."
Mn. BULL said it was very true Dizzy was hardly to be trusted;
still he'd a great mind to try him, for he couldn't be much worse than
his present servants.
At this point both PALMERSTON and RUSSELL were observed to
laugh, for which they were severely reproved by the presiding
magistrate.
RUSSELL then said that if MR. BuLL liked he'd write him a letter
explaining the manner in which he proposed in future to carry on the
business.
This MR. BULL at once decisively declined, saying that Jo N's
letter-writing had got him into quite enough scrapes already. In fact,
the only one of his servants who was worth his salt was the cashier
GLADSTONE, and even he had some eccentric notions, which at times
sadly interfered with the regular business of the house. At last MR.
BULL requested MR. FUN to grant the license provisionally, in the
hope that the applicants would amend their conduct, and that if there


was not at once a decisive a th% a % iten Yteg %0e
business, the license would at ewa'-%e V-hat AA k% -% i % _t a
charged.
The presiding magistrate then adde sm the h i at .ha abe aid
them to be careful, or they would mtWik1 b at e ne tis1as4 a&A
their license revoked. Ite hoped that 4the p e%5as *WMl a
warning to them, for that he should e talVj ac Ua Mt B
requested, and they would then b itW t wit.tk hebikt t
and the business would be taislte la to DieMt Aib whi had
promised that if they were tried eut ucen thay VW d te Aql h thki
power to give satisfaction to MR. UbtA,
The applicants then left the mut, 'when JPkWLf 'QsWS Wat
heard to say to RussELL, "' Didn't I tell yea ,olIa Th% 0e4
cove ain't got the pluck to sack us I

THE PsINY PUE&
IT is always an amusing 1 '.. to 'ate thi" :. .w. 'aif~~le ola
the penny newspaper press undta teaamises of pbliA eitena1 t>
We will suppose that a hlrrifle murder has beem pwrytate knd the
question at issue is, Who is the mur dert ? anad will tdl w the
penny press through the various workings of what th ... S .,
Review calls its penny minud
In the first 1.1a. n i uI :s...c .- be~*t'. e te t panss e sss
an opinion of its own, it should wait, to see what p via;u lew cf the
matter is taken by the TiWes; as it is ab dtluty sntiafjl that e% no
two points whatever should the dar and the Ahp an We will
suppose that A is charged with haTiag muiArdered n the testimony
of C, D, and E. Of course the broad quest is '-w h O.-r A is, is
not guilty. If the Times says that A is guilty, then it becomes the
penny press to say that A is inuuoeat
But the matter is further complicated by the necessity of not Q'Ily
disagreeing with the Times on broad prinples but also of disgreing
with each other on matters of deal. The most obvious moi& of
dealing with this difficulty is that they should arrange to differ as to
the individual, not being A, who is to be credited with the murder.
C, D, and E, the three witnesses, are all available, and eah penay
paper will probably invest one or other of these with ;l'e & i.w' v. It
the number of principal witnesses is not sufficient to s.ith.iy toh claims
of all the penny papers, the inspector in charge of the tase is always
available, and, upon a great emergency, the sitting magistrate who
examined the prisoner.
Then the grand penny-a-lining principle comes into fthi force. A
penny-a-liner being hungry, sits down and writes an amount of (say)
an imaginary interview with the prisoner. He states what cut of coat
he wore, whether his shirt was clean or not, and with what particular
periodical he preferred to while away the sluggish hours. He also
assists justice by giving the prisoner's account of the way in which
(say) the murdered man's property came into his possession. This
account is taken to the Penny Teaser, and offered for publication.
Now the Penny Teaser knows perfectly well that this document is a
fabrication, but does not reject it, for it will probably be accepted and
published by the Daily Whistle, and the Daily Whistle will, by con-
taining news concerning an interesting topic, stand so much the
higher in popular esteem. It matters nothing that that news is false,
for by the time the public has discovered its falsity it will have for-
gotten in which particular paper it appeared, while it retains a lively
sense of the general superiority in the matter of news of the Daily
Whistle over the Penny Teaser. So the Daily W istle accepts the
article, and so, also, does the Penny Teaser, and the Mo.raixg Syeaa
and the Penny Bomb.
This is the way in which the Penny Newspaper Press holds the
reins of public opinion.

A Fact for the Federals.
SCATAIN SEMMEs has sailed, with eight officers, a iraled mr tacas al-
ammunition, on board the Laurel, to take command cf a m&a ru5se'
OH, folks in the North,
CAPTAIN SExuES has -One f* i.
Once more to take part in the quarrels,
In a ship from whose name
He an omen may claim,
That he's likely to gather more laare.
He has given you the slip,
And he's got a new ship,
With-which he will plague yoq a few, sir
For under his thumb
You are likely to aome,
And he'll certainly pten U s screw, sir "* '








OTOBERN 29, 1l.'Ai.]


THE TWO READING GIRLS.


YB who saw the Exhibition
Of tho famous "sixty-two,"
Mit; remember what a host of
Visitors one statue drew.
soemoistlles, in plaits MADONNA,
Or with ALXANDUA curl,
S' l I. red rurel the chief attraction,
MIoGN's famous Reading Girl."
"Heo," cried one, "the very image
Of a studious lans is here ;
And she bends with rapt attention
O'er the volume all revere."
"Mark I" another cries," how simple
Is her dresa nor gold nor pearl
SI .,iu:reI to deck the form of
MAIone's famous 'Roading Girl.'"
Lovelier than the tiated i s r
Chapter than the Dian Queeo,
And more winsome than the huntress
Clad in robes of emerald sheen,
Was this statue round which gri h, reil
Gallant knight and belted arl ;
And the work of art was known a*
Miem's famous ":It ..,.i: G(rl."
But the bard, the l4:.. '. i. t
All the artist's a.'l'r.I 'I Ali,
When they call ti.t .4:l rfi....,
Smiles, but is a r-epta:; .li.,
"Though she needs not adventitions
Aid of wreath of gold or pearl,
Yet that masterpie e of MbAst
Pales before my 'Reading Girl.
SThough s dress of silk r'ic r i.r
ILastrousin itf '0At V.I-. -...:a,
'Ise ai i%'., l t '. In ir. ;.. r.
Known as erowf-ntamped crinoline;
Tn,~'.gh z brow, so f-ar and open,
W r : a coronal of pearl,
Yet I Tow, he is more witching
E'en than .1'.1. ie. l :.:. ,. .,- Girl.'
"Coma, then, let my pan be Ll.m'.nJ,
Be my ink coUlear de rose,
Perfinmed with tl.. fri-a. *i.,L.
Of ea h EdIe .r i'w;
Let my papar's tint be charged
With the bridal he of perl,
And 11 try to limn the portrait
Of my beauteous 'eai"] g GrL'
"Fairer is she than the damsel
Who besieged the hermit's isle,
A-- I-.1 -C. i.CC 'a ori unhoily'-
M::. c:.'- '.r- m- s Lruta er smile.
GoM-.en ri.aglh w.reate sand ri,
Know you one a fithe so winiBme '
As the author's 'eas.n: 'rsJ 2
"_TLv i._r: -' ..rc- A -. .'. .ia9

-.. a ,. J "I *V. -r. rL M .-e






-hn t, I. a..a :.m.a; ,.nm. ns
MLiae s f.amos' ^-. i '
I L. as,, his. i .1.. L.!. H.. -





L.:n kom nL.Mn L.ju ..: s.,


WYa' oT-it -1 7-II 7uan ttc andona
,t~s Lii ~ ir Tn


F T N.


WINTfAKY GotHMMV
Prig ruimoUredlthtithlnSwg wjvvfwi pAw Iw .,.'.'.
|WAeteis tr Wowr rr in e A fIfrtyst oM (1mardi I. r .'G.*
-Betatu he ,n r <0 regiment, 64s Fint Ailfe 'I.t 0% It will ie .' ; wil td wm
h&th yong s1 n of so noble aS lu *a f.Ii'faily in tle I: I


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
Picirno UPr Y Ou OWN MOUOCIAlUD,
SMiTT.-Did you so) that letter in the T7imis lant wook ma.-wiimii
that the DiAVItNIou InOiTiitintus should bel tid in a matIk And i'roppoil
into the siorontino, with LOin Biuni, ouo1 of their ardoutt boliovore,
to seeo fair play ?
13ItowN.-Yesi, amd quito apiinprovd of it. A umot ,inithlo proipoimi
tion, though I hardly flamy the coujurora thoaniilvis wIuld
appJrociito it.
SMIrr.-ConjurorI ?-modiums you mean. Dun't forgot their
opiritualint attributed.
tiiowN.-WVell, it ieoomsn to me their parforimanoom combine hioth thl
conjuring and medium lemnutts at oas.
SMITE.-I don't see in what way.
]BowN,-Why, the performances are those of counjuror noi ftir ia
the 1r;. tI.. rin,, rnd, ani of ;..liiuiiiii. r na they draw money uit
Of Jm'UN ISLel ,I [.-,k-,t.
8MtTH.-What a nine look out it would be for London if thi
Purfleet magnaino were to go the way of the Hrith ditto.
in. ,i :..- Ycn, but, you know, powilor must he koili omewhere after
all, and it appears that at the Govorn nient works they nre far more
careful than in private manufntotories.
SUITm.-That may be, bub the proximity to Iondon is anything
but comforting, especially when we consider that ia trille of 56,0100t n.
is kept there.
BIowN.-1Weoll, it ecms to me that under the olrourmtanotes thi
only thing to be done is to support, J Jon UoulaT.
SimTr.-What on earth has hle got to do with it P
B now.-Why, it a poime spoitl, him doetrine8, if properly carried
out, will obviate all nemnimty for war and oonsequeittly for powder,
S IT.-Yes, but his Ituh vanity begins at hoite, anud titays there, it
we may judge by his anBtimentm towards the Confederatst.
BaowX.-Can you explain why the railway comopanii, sunmmon
those persons only who hurL themselveM by g gtin g outl of train
before it has stopped, and not tlhoe who conumit the ofisnmo with
ir.-,..r,-A ? I should 1. .,-. i...;.i th litter clas most, deserved
*;.*.. .-hie former :iarn I. .1ii., puniheid by being injured,
. I -Ab, that's i,ii .......i view of the quaittion, hut the
companies smorn %ufh comonpluie rules of nation,
IBowy.-Then what do i.u 'unmanU.' 1.1.' i1 for V
bulti.--lu s'lf-.ttf.n'*e, Tin,,y .ntidr Liat arn inflicted flne is tih
best possible means of *., r.... ,.., fny action for damages that mtnsy
be brought against the".' i.-r ,p.ii., : recei m .,

A Fresh Water Company.
AM O(n SOiN wiItU A Nnw isim,
Anf n e tnishe dd frnsso, lrn$, E:. i6.1... .1.1 i.*-I irftil iiW In *| .m ..- i
X Sbrp for 0t' 0 f Jord fiu i r f f 1 ,- W a itof tlinac in. Pi *,r .
"niso to tcb ti Wtm0tdm
ItK Frane, au we'ri a;i .r;. 1,
When babies area IZ,-l,,
The font the limpid element is poured in;
And Wei now be omae the 'lI.i,:
T*o "',4 *sril.Fy to bring
The water ftrns lElm: ',th,.r Aide of Jordan.
But there's r,',lhr.i tjo dtnot'
That the water you rie{eve
Is from Jordan-just to venture tin 1a ,wt,
No, there's nothblg to den(,te
That the water you rea.tiso
I1Ms nXrnc all the way from Jordsa, and ii hbas't, I b'i6,(s,
For it mij your fancy strike,
All water's miuh alike,
If judged of to appearsnrus scordin'
And ii' '.t' i'.,t of proftr
That 1i' 'r,'il-',. could msae of it
Would be by ayin~ 'tws' from toth r id of Jor dJao,
Whethelwr taken from a Imioit,
Or the Jolrdin, you conceive
When hi; hafv, rfr ia, a ro,
...r. d n is a luong W jI lt, 'I.l. 1, I ,..s ",








[OCTOBER 29, 1864.


A FACT!
Little Quiller has a great idea of the dignity of literature as a profession, as also of its professors generally-Quiller particularly.
He has submitted a large parcel of MS. to a publisher for approval, and calls to ascertain the result.
.Publisher (log.):-" Hon MR. QUILLER ? YEs, SIR, I'VE NOT READ YOUR STUFF, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO ; I'LL
TAKE IT ON SPEC, AND TOSS YOU-SUDDEN DEATH-TEN BOB OR NOTHING' FOR IT I [Poor Little Quiller.


A Ballad for the Bobbies.
(TO AN OLD ARIA.)
ROBERT having received the'new helmet, layeth by his hat, and singeth:--
WHEN this old hat was new-
I've had it many a year-
Our uniform of blue
Was cut uncommon queer;
Our hats, with tops of glaze,
Like chimney-pots to view-
All this was in the days
When this old hat was new.
From information we'd
Received" we acted then;
And we were thought, indeed,
A clever set of men,
No vulgar writers' stuffs
Had docked our praise undue-
'We weren't considered muffs
When this old hat was new.
Detectives then were thought
The keenest of our race;
For failure had not brought
Their fame into disgrace.
And we were ne'er found out,
When swearing facts untrue-
We were not heard with doubt
When this old hat was new.


We ne'er were proved to use
Excessive brutal force;
Although we pressed our views
Decidedly, of course.
That beaks a black book kept
To note us, no one knew,
If duty we o'er stepped,
When this old hat was new.
Well! one thing's very plain,
The best that we can do,
Is new repute to gain,
With helmets that are new.
A course that's free from blame,
In future let's pursue,
And merit the good name
We had when hats were new!


THE GALLANT SALARY. "
THE king of fishes, whose Latin title is Salmo Salar, is displaying
those naval characteristics which used to find so able an exponent in
the late T. P. COOKE. We extract the following significant fact from
a contemporary:-
"' Mss MACPnERSON GRANT, of Aberlour, caught a 211b. fish on Wednesday
week, and on the same .day LADY B. EGERTON, at Gordon Castle, killed a salmon
of 201b."
What gallant Salar would refuse to come ashore when a lady dropped
him a line conveying an invitation?


rriuted by JUDD & GLASS, 7, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office 80, Fleet-street, B.C.-October 29, 1864.


FUN.








NOVEMBER 5, 1864.]'


IXI


A CAPITAL PRACTICE FOR THE WINTER MONTHS.
November.-Garotter-shooting begins."
Kate (shooting) :-" WINGxD HIM AGAIN, MAMMA "
Mamma:-"VERY GOOD, MY DYAB, TBAT'S TWO FOR YOU TO O2E OF LYDTA'B."


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHEB AT THE PUBS.
I HAVE already stated my opinion that the DAVENrPOT BROTHM1S
were not worthy of the attention of scientific men, who could not be
expected to detect jugglery. They have been taken in hand by pro-
fessed conjurers, and, as I expected, turned inside out. Honestly I
confess their performance puzzled me, unexperienced as I am in the
arts of magic. But I felt instinctively it was a swindle. I asked
myself-would you go to America for honesty, or is that country, now
plunged in an unnatural strife which develops it into a nation of fiends,
the spot selected of Heaven for such manifestations and so close an
intercourse with its mysteries? It may be personal, but it is candid
to add, that after looking at the physiognomies of the brothers, I asked
myself-would you trust either of them ? and I said, certainly not.
PRxoEsSOR ANDERSON, however, has come forward and settled all the
doubts of the uninitiated who declined to believe .n the supernatural
agency of the DA rENPORTs. For this he deserves the warmest thanks
of all men of sense for, it is complete and satisfactory exposure of the
humbug. On Tuesday, the 25th of October, the Professor struck the
death-blow to the pretentious of the DAVEIPORTs. He gave private
stance at the St. James's Hall, and before an educated and intelligent
audience, went through the DAVENrORT programme in full light, and
with entire success. His daughter and an assistant were tied over and
over again by a sailor accustomed to nautical knots, and over and over
again released themselves. The spirit hands, the withdrawal of the
coat, the flinging out of the musical instruments, and the re-tying
were all shown. And now, when we have warmly thanked the Pro-
fessor for the great service he has done to society in thus exposing the
cheat, the question arises, what shall we do with the DATIN roRTS. I
think it is hardly possible to give too severe a punishment to mounte-
banks who trade on the holiest feelings of human nature, and make
accomplices of hysteria and latent insanity. I would give five of the


best years ot my life to be allowed to lay their own kuotttd ropes on
the backs of the whole firm. What would have been excellent and
laudable as an exhibition of dexterity and juggling when palmed off
as a manifestation from the unseen world, earns l.r its exhibitors the
indelible ignominy of impious scoundrelism. I have no doubt the
good people who at s6ances in Portland Place and elsewhere have been
awestruck at these spiritual revelations will feel very angry to learn
that they have been duped. But they ought not-for who cannot be
deceived by conjuring P And, dear me put a lot of sensitive, sympa-
thetic, imaginative, literary people in a dark room-bang a tambourine
at the back of their heads, and ring a bell in their ears-and they'll
believe anything !
I AM beginning to look out for the inquiry into the Belfast riots.
Are they going to be bushed up, or glozed over? Because if so, I
fancy we may look out for a repetition of them at the very earliest
opportunity. I hope the new Lord Lieutenant will begin his career
with an act of good omen, and insist on seeing justice done to both
factions alike. Clemency is a very charming thing, but cowardice
begins with a C too, and you can't always see mhich is which.
THE Industrial Exhibition at the I i,, :.., Agricultural Hall is
very well worth a visit. Those who take an interest in the welfare of
the working classes, will find much to :. i lh them in the products of
hours of leisure employed in self-improvementi. A card model of a
chapel in Camberwell, cut out by a domestic servant, is a rmct re-
markable piece of workmanship ; and someone, I think a watchmraktr,
has made an ivory model of the last Exhibition Building, which looks
better than I could have supposed any ingenuity could hate made it
do. MR. COLE, C.B.-alias iELIX SuMiMKfLY-has somehow allowed
some specimens of South Kensington wood --.vinr, *t~ creep in
here; they are chiefly the Nork of ladies, and .' .,:r. pity thy
should have so wsBted their lime. I should recommend my readers
by no means to omit a pilgrimage- for it is a z, i -.-- the
shrine of industry in North London. They will see what the work-
ing nian can do. It will puzzle some of them to do likewise.


VOL. VII. H


FUN.








[NoYEVI3zu 5, 1864.


q


OUR "LIFE AND RECOLLECTIONS."
Tua IloN. GRANTLEY BERKELEY has written an account of his
Life and Recollections." When we say that we have read the book,
our readers will, of course, be aware that we have done full justice to
its merits, such as they are, and which chiefly consist of pointless
remarks on things in general, and ditto anecdotes about bygone
worthies, in some cases unworthies also, of whom the world of to-day
knows little and cares less and an immense amount of private family
scandal which it would have been much better taste to omit. Having
read it we thought it would be but fair to notice, it in FUN ; but as
we are far too tender-hearted to blame, even where blame is deserved,
and too honest to praise where no praise is due, we determined to
notice the viork by analogy. And as, of course, during our existence
we have come into contact with thousands, we might almost say
millions, of illustrious men, we came to the conclusion that a few
anecdotes more Berk-el~gico would be themost fitting way of carrying
out our intention. We commence, then, with the
MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THI ENGLISH IN 1862.-It is not
generally known that the manners of the English of 1862 differed
materially from those of the Japanesein the sair year. Nevertheless,
such was the case. Fancy an Englishman residing in Piccadilly
enjoying his matutinal shower bath in open daylight before his front
door ; yet such was undoubtedly the custom at Nagasaki at the time.
Or an English bride staining her teeth a deep jet to celebrate her
marriage. Nay, rather, should any of her dental pearls be missing,
would she not rather have gone to CARTWBIGHT and had the missing
jewels replaced in his best manner ? We merely mention these facts
lo refute the growing notion that a similitude did evist at the period
we are speakingof between the two countries.
CTAONGFS IN LONDON.-Where is now Blackfriars Bridge which in
childhood's sunny days it was our wont to cross when we went to see
our old aunt who lived at Camberwell ? Where, also, is Hungerford
Market ? famed for tie penny ices, dispensed by the hand of Italia's
chosen son. We know he has a bigger place, where erst the Adelaide
Gallery rivalled the Polytechnic in scientific wonders. But are the ices
the same? No! with advancing prosperity he charges 4d. and 6d., and
the former cheap but innutritious refrigerators have vanished from the
hall as a tale that is told or a dream dreamed, never, never to return.
OUR FIRST ALMANACK.-It will be long ere we forget the sensation
that was produced in London when it was first known that we were
about to publish an almanack. What, an almanack," said JONES,
from FUN Then depend upon it, it will be something extremely
good." "No said SMITir, dogmatically, "it will be a wek imitation
of preceding almanacks published by superior comic periodicals of a far
higher class. Besides, what can you expect for a penny ? But the
public did expect something, and they got it. And on the day of pub-
lication the croid in Fleet-street, seeking to possess themselves of the
cheap, but nevertheless inestimable, treasure was so great that the
Mayor and Corporation in person came to solicit us to sell only a
limited number daily, lest injury to the surrounding property should
occur from the loud explosions of laughter which shook the neigh-
bourhood within a radius of four miles of our office from the throats
of the delighted purchasers.
THE EFFECT PRODUCED BY FUN ON THE MeINISTRY.-Nor was
the Premier slow to recognize our merits. The lirst impression of the
first number was scarcely outside the door of our office, ere a Hansom
cab arrived from the Treasury, bearing LO D PALMERSTON on a visit
of congratulation to the editor. Can I see the editor ? was his
lordship's remark to our attendant imp. "Not if I knows it," was the
discomforting reply. Luckily, we happened at the moment to
emerge from our sanctum, and recognizing the Premier,
requested him to walk in. Y,.''ll support us, of course, my dear
FUN ? Rel3iug on your assistance, the Liberal Government c;.n
defy the world-by which I mean DIzzY & Co.-to all eternity."
So long us your lordship's party deserves it, but not one moment
longer," was ihe stern and uncompromising rejoinder. And withrthis
reply LoBD PALMERSTON was forced to be content, for no other could
he obtain Irom us, despite all his cajoleries and invitations to Broad-
lands and Cambridge House.
But there! we could go on for ever with our Life and Recollec-
tions." Only for the present our readers must be content with the
instalment vwe have given.

The Derby Dilly.-ad.
IT is rumoured that MESSRS. MURRAY are about to publish a
translation of H11MEon's Iliad, by the EARL OF D ny?. We suppose
the verse nill be blank to commemorate the noble earl's political
career. \We hope this literary venture may be more successful ilhan
some of those "' Essys on Statesmaiinshiu" which may be described as
his earl-ier efforts.


A NICE CONVERSATION.
-Dramatis Persoene.-The EMPEROR OF ALL THE RUSSIAS, and the
EMPEROR NAPOLEON THE TBIRD.
NAP.- Good morning, your majesty, Really the coincidence of our
meeting is most singular. Quite a repetition of history--e c'est pas ?
ALEX.-Hum! ha yes. I hope, though, for your sake, the re-
petition may not be carried too far. Moscow to wit.
NAP.-Your majesty i pleased to be jocular. In the present day,
72ous arons chlang6 tout celd. Rectification of frontiers, not annexation
is the mode in which France extends her territory now-a-days; and
a propose of frontiers, reminds me of Poland. I wish you could find
some milder modes of pacifying her than those at present at use.
ALIX.-Mon other, jevous enprie, do let me govern my own subjects
my own way. I didn't interfere with your coup d'etat.
NAP.-Because, if I remember rightly, your majesty was not on the
Russian throne at the time, and your august father knew better than
to place his hands where his fingers stood a fair chance of getting
burnt.
ALEx.-True. But let us turn to more agreeable subjects. So you
mean to desert your Holy Father after all. Poor old boy I can't help
smiling when I think how he and his non possums will fare without
the troops of the eldest son of the church.
NAP.-Well, he'll have to accommodate himself to the indisputable
logic of facts," as I say when I want to convince any Power weaker
than my own to take things quietly, and not make a row about them.
ALEx.-Which means, of course, that His Holiness is to relinquish
the temporality, and stick to the spirituality.
NAP.-Oh dear, no. My friend VICTOR promises to look after and
defend him, and (winking) being on the spot, of course he'll be able to
do so far more efficaciously than even I can.
ALEX.- Of course. And might I ask, not to put too fine a point
upon it, the price to be paid by the KING OF ITALY for the privilege
in view ?
NAP.-Price (Aside.)-Commne Us sont grossiers, ces Tartares!
(Alovd.)-The satisfaction of my own conscience in having thus for-
warded the cause of Italy, on which, as you may be aware, I have'long
set my heart.
ALEX.-So I've heard; but, you'll excuse my laughing, I could not
have believed it had I not heard it from your majesty's own lips.
NAP.-To change the subject, how about the new Holy Alliance?
ALEx.-I beg your pardon-Holy Alliance ? What do you mean ?
NAP.-Why, with Austria and Prussia, on the mutual-guarantee-of-
all-possessions principle.
ALEX.-Bah! A mere chimera, with no actual existence save in
the imaginative brain of journalists, and ces gens both you and I know
how to manage pretty well, I think.
NAP.-Speak for yourself, Monsiear monfrire. In France the press
is free-in name, at any rate.
ALEx.-Ah, in Russia it is not, but the result is precisely the same.
NAP.-May be. But confidentially, is there any truth in the
rumour ? The despatches in the Morning Post were something more
than canards, or I am much mistaken.
ALEx.-On any other subject I should be only too delighted to
give you information, but on that you really must excuse me. Besides,
even supposing it to be true, you, at all events, have nothing to do
with it.
NAP.-Just so, and for that very reason I am desirous of knowing
the truth of the matter.
ALEX.-Then I must refer you to GORTSCHAKOFF. (Aside.)-And
if he tells you anything, I'll-I'll-give up Poland.
NAP.-Your majesty won't tell me, then. Take my advice, how-
ever, and don't do anything rash. Remember the Crimea.
ALEX.--Don't be alarmed; but it is time to dress, so I must wish
your majesty good afternoon. (Aside as he goes out.)-You don't
pump me, MASTER NP.
NAP.-Good afternoon. (Aside, with extreme contempt.)-And the
stupid Tartar actually thinks he can hoodwink me (Exit.)


The MIan for Galway.
MANY signs of the coming struggle are observable in England and
elsewhere, but the general election has hardly elicited anywhere so
candid an utterance as this, which is copied from the placards on the
walls of an Irish town:-
"Conservativesofoalway! IHoldyourselves disengaged A friend and favourite
will be in the field in a few lays."
We hope that Scotland will lend her sister isle the loan of a thistle,
or the "friend and favourite" will not find the field a veryinteresting
one.








NOVEMBER 5 1861,] F U N 7


THE LIE OF A LIFETIME;
OR,
RANDOM READINGS OF TRAITOROUS TRAITS, PAST PASSAGES AND
PRESENT PROSPECTS,
OF
THE MODERN AUGUSTUS.
A SERIOUS SERIAL IN SEVERAL SECTIONS.

SECOND SERIES.

SECTION THE THIRD.
Franco Italian Convention.- Rome or Death.
ANOTaER hollow promise, false as IAGO'S venomed speech,
Seems now )t place a longed-for boon within Italia's reach ;
But like a Dead Sea apple, fair and ruddy to the eye,
Yet bitter ash's to the taste; 'tis but a specious lie.
Th~ d hiring Frankenstein of France now fears the mighty thing
Whose scarce formed lips gave vent to sounds, that still around him
ring;
For, ere United Italy had drawn its first, full breath,
Its half inflated lungs belched forth the dread cry, RoME or DEATH I"
And then the rash Creator who had filched Promethean fire
To animate a flxt idea," a selfish, base desire,
Stood, se f-o'ernmatched-irresolute -till, sinning deeper still,
He sought to starve the giant form he could not-dare not KILL!
The fall fruition of the hope-nay, more-the stern demand
Embodied in that fierce war cry, must crush all he had planned ;
Must rend NAPOLEON'S flimsy mask; indite him, self-accused,
Before the bar of outraged France, whose faith he had abused.
For sound, free constitutions, could they ever find a place
In heart of Europe's continent, must crush the tyrant race:
The Kaisars of the Hapsburg line; the Cossack's haughty rule ;
With Corsiersa usurpers, and the whole despotic school ;
While Freedom's dying embers, fanned again into a blaze,
Would warm poor Poland's chilled life-blood; would in the Magyar
raise
The spirit of an outraged race, breathing a mighty hate ;
And e'en Circassia's graceful forms would lend a moral weight
To aid the onward pressure of a patriotic force
That could-and would-sweep tyranny for ever from its course.
And so the man of progress, yet the man of fixt ideas,
The pseudo Providence of France, whose lavish waste France fears;
The man who gives France Liberty-of speech-yet gags the press;
The patron who gives Mexico freedom-or something less;
The man of bold demeanour, which scarce hides a craven heart,
In Russo-Austrian intrigue resolves to play his part.
*

With feelings mingling hope and dread, suspicions and vague fears
Of French treaty, or Convention, anxious Italia hears,
And thinks of Villafranca, and of Aspromonta's blot,
Dreading the MEPFISTOPHELES who prompted that foul shot;
Yet listens eagerly and learns that Turin must consent
To empty palaces at first; and next, p'raps, must be blent
*With Nice and Savoy in their shame, their amputated fate,
Yielding to Florence-NOT TO Roms-the archives of the State.
For what," cries fevered Italy, "shall such a price be paid ?
This is, indeed, the pound offlesh for temporary aid!"
Then comes reply, In two years hence, French bayonets withdrawn
From Rome, will leave the Vatican-and Papal States quite shorn
Of foreign aid; will leave the POPE to rule, or fall effdte;
To rule-a king, by force of arms; or Pope, by moral weight.

a a a
Not long this flimsy programme hides its author's vile intent ;
From end to end, poor Italy, by jealous factions rent,
Proves that, with skill demoniac, NAPOLEON'S daring scheme
Must surely crush the hope it fed-deride it as a dream-
And prove as sternly fatal as the Lernmean Hydra's gift,"
Convulsing, and degrading, where it promised to uplift.
For though each city yields to Rome, at once, and as of right
(Or from its gathered laurels, or the legend of its site),
Yet, failing Rome, each city claims with other equal share,
And, passion blind, the warning scorns, "OF ANARCEY BEWARE! "
Yet worse remains; the capital is either changed pro tern.
Or permanent, the On to Rome it must for ever stem.


In either case the plot succeeds, for two year.' jealous hato
Hopes of United Italy would surely uncreate ;
While if the Seven Hills be left, a cancer in iis breast,
Incurable, uncauterized-Italia ne'er can re.,t !
But linger on in agony, till with its latest breath
It breathes upon its poisoner the stigma of its death.

A QUADRUPED QUERY.
TO THE EDITOR OF FlN.
SIn,-The scientific may be uncommonly acute, but I don't think
they can quite solve a difficulty which a difliculty I have recently
had with the Commissioners of Wandsworth Common have suggested
to me.
I have been feeding geese on that common, and the authorities have
impounded them-I may say (in order to be intelligible) estreated them.
Now my position is this:-Although as a rule they do not allow
geese on the common, but permit quadrupeds to wander free and un-
questioned, they have qualified my quondam biped geese for the free-
list of Wandsworth flats (no offence meant to the authorities).
Of course when they made my geese lorfeit (four feet) they became
quadrupeds, and free to do as they like. Waiting an anser,
Yours, etc., ANNIE MALL.

THE LAST FROM ASHANTEE.
In memory of CAPTAIN GEORGE THORN It, the pioneer of the Ashantee
Expedition, who, after being sent home in a dangerous state without evrn
a servant to attend upon him, and dying almost immediately after his
arrival in aEgland, was refused the tribute of a soldier's funeral.
PALE and sick, and very weary,
Lying on the deck ;
Of his former stalwart manhood
Nothing but a wreck.
He who worked the work of England
Through the tropic blaze,
And the treacherous miasma-
Hath not many days.
Thin white hands, a clammy forehead,
And a sunken eye-
Home he comes, a shattered soldier-
Home he comes to die.
Praying in the Western Indies
For her darling's life-
For they told her heavy tidings-
Lo a tortured wife.
With their one child she is striving,
Striving with her pain;
And she follows-but will never
See her love again.
He is stricken by the fevers
Of the Torrid Zone ;
And they send him back uncared for-
Send him back alone.
Ay! not even to a servant
Did they give the charge;
Truly, to her bravest children
England's heart is large!
Had not THoMPsON, though a stranger,
Nursed him to the end,
That good soldier's death-bed would have
Been without a friend.
And the close was this-his kindred
Pleaded for a crust;
Asked that when his body should be
Given to the dust,
It might be a soldier's ending;
And some poor weak fools,
Called AUTnORITIEs," refused it:-
"'Twas against the rules."
I'll be Shot if he did.
A PARAGRAPH in a Scotch paper says that a certain CAPTAIN
NICHOLSON, while shooting at Brotherton, had the extraordinary good
fortune to kill a snipe flying and a hare running with one shot. Two
birds with one stone is a joke to this! Was the hare running in the
air, or the bird flying on the ground, we should like to know ? We
are inclined to bid our northern contemporary tell this story about
a shot with a long bow to a goose, or the marines.






A1


i U" U .--YOVEMBEu 5, t64.


"NICE FRATERNITY."






F TI N.-NOVEMBER 5, 1864.


43


S I
Ial
Vt I


'"\





AN AB-NORMAL POSITION.


Norma,:-" HENCE! THY CHILDREN-TAKE THEM WITH THEE!"


-vS'^
^ ',ln\\v>
^ '' ^
Xv^
*\\\^\\\\\\
.^M\^\








NOVEMBER 5, 1864.]


F TJ N.


SIX MONTHS FOR SIX WALNUTS.
A. COUNTY magistrate has lately immortalized himse'.f by awarding
six months' imprisonment with hard labour to one WILLIAM WEBB
for stealing six walnuts. Observe the beautiful harmony of connection
between the offence and the penalty-a month per walnut. Our
praise halts here; it is only to be understood as touching originality
and mathematics; of the justice and mercy we will not say much,
merely observing in the mildest way possible-just hinting, in fact-
that this county magistrate must be a sad ruffian. And so, doubtless,
thinks Mu. NOTTAGE, of Tulse Hill, who brought the sentence before
the consideration of Sin GEORGE GREY, and received the following
reply:-
Whitehall, Oct. 20, 1864.-Sir,-The Secretary of Statefor the Home Depart-
ment having considered your application on behalf of WILLIAM WE:Bn, I have the
satisfaction to acquaint you that he has felt warranted, under all the circumstances,
in advising HER MAJESTY to re(ince the prisoner's sentence to imprisonment to one
month. I am, sir, etc., T. G. BARING. GEORGo S. NOTTAGE, ESQ., cidmouth
Lodge, Tulso Hill."
On the graceful tautology in the concluding phrase of this official
boa bons we will not be'too critical. We must remember that it comes
from a Government office; but for the matter-well, so far so good, but
not so good as it ought to have been. Not only has SIn GEORGE GREY
missed fire in sufficiently cutting down the original-for even now
the sentence is far beyond the desert-but he has lost a rare chance of
snubbing the Surrey Justice, while recognizing, though in a dwarfed
form, the brilliance of that invention which calculates punishment by
the rules of arithmetic. What a fine opportunity for combining
sense with sarcasm Why not six days for six walnuts? Yet SIn
GEORGE GREY couldn't see it; but that's nothing wonderful for Sin
GEORGE GREY. As to the judgelet of Tulse Hill-we don't know his
name, but we suppose that to be his neighbourhood-now we'll hazard
a guess that he goes to church twice every Sunday, and has family
prayer. Of such are many "who make clean the outside of the cup
and of the platter," yet within are hard as the nether millstone.
Here is a nice specimen, certainly; a man, sleek and oily to look
at, but with a mere muscle where the heart should be, content
to break a child's spirit, to blast him, perhaps, for life, because he had
filched six nuts from a walnut tree. We remember us that in our
boyish days there were orchards upon which we;levied black mail, and,
may be, walnut trees up which we clambered in search of spoil; and
we remember us that there were shouts and rushes of infuriated
farmers, though, as we were noted for our fleetness, we generally dis-
tanced pursuit. Naturally enough we made the best use of our legs,
because we looked for an application of JOHN HODGE'S stick, and we
think now, whatever we might have thought of it then, that we should
have richly deserved a caning, but the fear of six months' in gaol and
hard labour to boot never once loomed before our infant mind. But
we didn't live in Surrey, and that may account for our easy way of
viewing matters. On second thoughts, however, we imagine that had
we lived in Surrey our danger would not have been greater than in
our own county. It all depends upon your bird and his plumage.
We robbed orchards and walnut groves in respectable broadcloth; most
probably WILLIAM WEBB did not.


A Rhyme, not of Nonsense,
FOR THE DAvxNProT BROTHERS COMPANY (LIMITED).
IT seems plain that "that actor" D. BOUCICAULT,
Of the DAVENPORT BROTHERS' cute crew's a Co.,
By his trying to puff
The nonsense and stuff
They to juggling, and mimicicg music owe.
But England won't listen to puffery,
She winks at such ignorant stuff her eye.
Here and there though a fool
Becomes knavery's tool
(You call him a fool-but a duffer, I).
But we, though they think the game snug, '11
Against their hypocrisy struggle,
And as certain as fate
Will erelong demonstrate
The whole of the plan of the juggle.
And when some acute-minded Saxon
Comes down these shrewd Yankee-land quacks on,
The rope that they tied on
May well be relied on
To expression our opinion their backs on.


THE CHEESE.
Tu, people of Chehire are about to present Ioan PAtzmirtrox with a le I
cheese,"
THE sensible people of Cheshire,
Determined the Premier to plenso, 6
Have determined to make in his honour
A cheese- a remarkable cheese.
(Chorus)-A cheese, a cheese, a cheese, a cheese,
A very perfect cheese I
His lordship their present will value,
For reasons discovered with case;
Fellowv-feeling will make him approve it-
For he, so hoe thinks, is the cheese.
(Chorus)-The cheese, the cheese, the cheese, the cheese-
Yes, he's a perfect cheese !
Is it possible Cheshire admirers
Wish to hint by such presents as those
That age is oft apt to make mouldy
E'en the cheesiest sample of cheese.
(Chorus)-Of cheese, of cheese, of cheese, of cheese,
Ay, e'en of perfect cheese I
May the Premier adopt the suggestion,
And by taking great trouble to please,
Keep his friends and admirers from cutting
This very rich, racy old cheese.
(Chorus)-The cheese, the cheese, the cheese, the cheese,
This very ancient choose !

A BIRTHDAY ODE.
L D PALM RPsTO'S birthday was the 20th instant, on which date hit lord-
ship reached the age ot eighey."- Vide e'ators.
To each man upon earth
Than the day of his birth
More important there seldom occurs day;
But we all must declare
That his pleasure we share
With LORD PAM, who was eighty on Thursday.
Acclamation will roll
From the North and South Pole,
The West Indies (for instance, from Hayti)
And the East Indies too,
Wishing all that is due
To LonD PAM, who on Thursday was eighty.
And Great Fux unexcelled
(Though at times he's compelled
On his lordship severely to comment),
Gives his hand a good grip-
Of his wine takes a sip-
Many happy returns of this moment!"

Clubs and Clothes.
IT is stated that a club has been started in New York called the
"Wear-your-last-winter-overcoat Club." Jf these nice sartorial dis-
tinctions are to be observed we shall expect to hear of a Have-your-
pantaloons-patched Club," or a "Send-your-hat-to-be-done-up," or a
"Have-your-umbrella-covered-again Club." The subject of clubs
must be nearly exhausted when they thus approach the clothes (close).

A DANGEROUS DAHLIA.
"IT has been attempted to pisn'h a garde Wr in Warsaw for growing a red and
white dahlia, those being the -ubsh colours "- IC- Pawers.
THERE was a poor gardener at Warsaw,
Whom the Russians with threats would of course awe,
For displaying so gaily a
Red and white dahlia!
Whoe'er such an act of brute force saw ?

Private and Confidential.
As a profound secret we beg to mention to our readers that it is
stated in a Welsh paper that the inhabitants of Llanbedrgoch and
the contiguous parish of Llairfairmatharfarneithaf"-but we are sure
our readers will repeat it (if they can), so we pause.










7 If J U [NOVEMBER 5, 1864.


THE COMIC MYTHOLOGIST.
[NOTE JY THE EDITOR.-The Comic Physiognomist has at length
fallen a victim to his enormous labours. He has, as he himself ex-
presAd it to us (through the medium of the DAVENPORT BROTHERS),
physiognomied himself into another and a worse world. How this
frightful consummation was brought about we are not informed; we
must be content to accept the fact as we find it. At the same time
every information will be cheerfully given to scientific gentlemen who
may be desirous of investigating this unprecedented cause of death.
The Editor has a melancholy pleasure in stating that he has secured
the services of a gentleman before whose intellectual radiance the less
remarkable and much more ineffectual fires of the C. P must neces-
sarily pale. On the whole the Editor rather congratulates the readers
of 1F'UN on the C. P.'s premature end, for he was becoming a nuisance,
and was growing unpleasantly cocky on the strength of his certainly
enormous popularity.]
INTRODUCTION.
The Comic Mythologist regrets extremely that these papers must,
from their nature, afford both instruction and amusement. Personally
he has the greatest possible objection to anything that savours of the
educational. His own education was grossly neglected in his early youth,
and lie hereby expresses his thanks to those beneficent parents who
kindly allowed him to grow up his own way. At the moment of his
penning these lines he knows nothing whatever of mythology. He
is accustomed to swear by one JovE when annoyed, he has seen some
classical burlesques, and he has purchased a second-hand "Lempriere,"
for seven-and-threopence. This is the classical foundation upon which
he intends to build for himself an undying reputation as a Comic
Mythologist. The C. M. undertakes, hereby, to make these papers as
uninstructive as possible, and he confidently assures his readers that
they will not derive the smallest amount of genuine information from
them if he can possibly help it.
ACHILLES
Was the son of PELEUS and THETIS, who was a sea-deity (see
THETIS," when we get to it). THETIS gave herself out as immortal
(which was absurd, or where is she now 2), and was so extremely in-
dignant at finding herself the mother of seven mortal sons, that she
threw them all, one after the other as they were born, into the kitchen
fire-a course of procedure which, if it had been indulged in at a later
period, would certainly have resulted in her own immortality being
placed to an extremely severe trial at the Old Bailey.
PELEUS, who appears to have been a monarch of a singularly easy
frame of mind, stood this sort of thing for several years. At length
it seems suddenly to have occurred to him that the analogy
that THETIS appeared to draw
between his sons and a litter of
puppies was not particularly
complimentary to himself as
their father, while it was par- -
ticularly uncomplimentary to
THETIS as their mother, so he
took upon himself the responsi- .
ability of rescuing the seventh
from his sensation situation. It
appears that a'n authority pos-
sessing the familiar name of
TZmTZES assigns to THETIS a
different motive in the case of
AcHILLILS. T. says that with the view of conferring immortality upon
the young man, she anointed him with ambrosia during the day, and
put him into the fire at night. The C. M. does not know what am-
brosia was, but conceives that it might have been a species of pomatum
That immortality might have
been brought about by such l
a receipt is undoubted,but it mus
have been of a posthumous de-
scription. Other writers say that '
she dipped him into the Styx (on i
the principle, tho C. iM. supposes,
child"), and so rendered invul- '
nerablo every part of the body I
except that by which she held ,
him, and which was, on that ac.
count, ironically called the "heal."
His careful mamuma, with the
object of preventing him from
going to the Trojan war, dressed
him up as a woman, and here we have him undergoing the.oreration.
As he is looked upon as one of the foremost heroes of antiquity, the


C. M. supposes it was all right, but he fears that a modern hero who
took the same steps would find some difficulty in convincing a court-
martial of his heroic qualities.
As Troy could not be taken without the aid of ULYSSES, and as the
army before that city were getting tired of the extremely long Troy
wait which elapsed between each of the hacks, they sent ULYSSES, in
the assumed character of a pedlar, to the court of LYCOMEDES, iii which
ACHILLES was then staying. ULYSSES exposed jewels, ribbons, and
arms for sale to ACHILLES, and as ACHILLES (although dressed as a
woman) took to his (ULYSSES) arms, whereas a woman would at the
sight of them take to her (the
woman's) legs, his sex was dis-
covered. The murder being out,
he accompanied his companions
to the war, where (being invul-
nerable) he performed prodigies
of valour. However, he appears
to have snatched at every excuse
for shirking military duty, and
the abduction of his mistress,
BiRISEI, by AGAMEMNON, af-
forded him urgent privategrounds
for leaving the seat of war. The
death of PATROCLUS, however (of
whom the C. M. knows nothing at
all yet), woke him up, and induced -
him to slay HECTOR, and drag /-
him three times round the walls
of Troy. The engraving in the
margin shows the condition to
which HECTOR was reduced after
the third round." It cannot be said that he came up smiling. The
tears of the aged PrIAM at length induced the cowardly ruffian
ACHILLES to yield
up the body, which
was ground down
to the condition
shown in the en-
graving. He after- -.
wards fell in love QUt0 4 P OL v PU '"
with HECTOR'S
sister, POLYXENA,
and he was properly murdered by PARIS, who shot him in the heel
just as he was in the agonies of proposing to her in the temple of
Minerva.
It is difficult to imagine a more utterly contemptible character than
that of the Greek hero ACHILLES. A more utter cur never disgraced
an army, and as he was practically invulnerable, 'his conduct was
simply incomprehensible. We turn with pleasure from this disagree-
able subject, to the next article in this number, which is called

COMFORT FOR WESTMEATH.
WE are happy in being able to state that the MARQUIS OF WEST-
MEATH, who lately failed to prove his charge against the organ-grinder
and was sharply snubbed by MR. YARDLEY for questioning his
decision, has received the following bit of sympathy from his native
land. The Marquis forwarded it to us immediately on receipt, with
an earnest request that we would lose no time in the insertion:-
"Thunder an' bother!
Ye son o' your mother,
Jist hear me whisper the late;
The divil take YARDLEY,
He treated ye hardly-
Shure, now, I call him a baste."

"We're going in the Weavin' way."
AN ex-pugilist, who has exchanged the sparring booth for the
pulpit, and has become a popular preacher, has been stating that he
doesn't think much of BURNS and SHAKESPEARE (a fact which is
rather creditable to those two writers, by the way), but would like to
hear something about CALVIN and KNOX. An instance of the old
leaven this KNox naturally makes a hit with the pious "pug."

FASHIONABLE NEWS.
EXTRACTED from the Court Journal -
"LoUn MANNERS has come to town."
Noted by MRS. BRoWN:-
"Lord! manners is very much wanted there "








NOVEMBER 5, 1864.] FU N. 79


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PIcKED uP BY OUt OWN MouczHAD.
SMITH.-So the DAVENPORT swindle seems to be rather going down
in the market of public opinion.
BROWN. -Yes, despite the Times puff, the brothers and the manager
are gradually sinking to their proper level of conjurers; and the only
spirits visible are the excessively good spirits which the fraternity
must possess at the success that has hitherto crowned their experi-
ments.
SMITH.-Did you see how, when handcuffs instead of ropes were
proposed, the manager objected to the proceeding ?
BEowN.-Yes, it was a highly inconsiderate proposal. Who knows
but what handcuffs may strike memory's chord in a tender spot ? I
don't at all wonder at the objection.
SMITH.-The Franco-Italian Convention seems to me to be rather
an unlucky move on the whole ; it don't please anybody.
BROWN.-No. The Italians think it is not going far enough, and
the POPE thinks it is going too far.
SMITH.-Well, so far as I can see, it is like giving the cream into
the custody of the cat-a proceeding not generally regarded as safe.
BEowN.-But I suppose our "faithful ally" knows all about it,
and calculates, in this instance, that the cat will abstain from the
desired luxury.
SMITH.-Well, all I can say is that if VICTOR EMMANUEL does not"
take advantage of the absence of his French friends he will be a most
remarkable instance of forbearance.
BEowN.-Did you see how bravely EARL RUSSELL has been
lecturing the Greeks ?
SMITH.-Yes; JoHN is quite himself again when any scolding is
'to be done; especially to a small Power that can't retaliate.
BRowN.-Well, after all the snubs he has had from Prussia and
Russia, the opportunity was doubtless too tempting to be resisted.
Besides, he always seems to me to go upon the schoolboy's plan.
SMITH.-What is that ?
BROWN.-Why pass it on; i.e., when hit by a bigger boy than
yourself, whom you dare not strike in return, relieve your indignation
by hitting one smaller than yourself.
SMITH.-Not a very exalted system.
BRowN.-May be; but it possesses the charm of being remarkably
safe.

Cobden and The Scotsman."
AN EPIGRAM ON ONE WHO BETTED AND LOST.
AWEEL aweel !
COBDEN, puir chiel!
Ye've burnt your fingers sairly:
Oh I ye've been rash, man,
But dinna fash, man-
The Scots they get up airly.
I'm thinking lad,
Ye maun ha' had
An ower drap o' whisky;
Your head went roamin'
Intill the gloamin'-
Eh! mon- 'twas unco' frisky.
Chiel, when ye bet,
Just tak' a wet
Out o' your ain auld speeches;
If na, a mickle,
The bairns will tickle
The siller in your breeches.
An ye gang that gate,
Ye'll get hame late
Wi' pockets in disorder;
That's an ye pay, man,
Ye ken our way, man,
The either side the Border.
Ye maun na run
Frae twanty pun-
Ye've lost it, chiel, richt fairly :
Oh ye've been rash, man,
But dinna fash, man-
The Scots they get up airly.

HINT ON ETIQUETTE.
NEVER let fall a remark, for you cannot be certain in what manner
it may be taken up.


THE HEROES OF YARMOUTH.
Dedicated, with or without permission, to those gallant Beachmen who,
when the Ontario was stranded on the Hasborough Sand, and her crew
in peril, refused to man the Life Boat unless guaranteed the asm of 500.
HARK! a whistling and a moaning
Coming from afar ;
Pale scud drifting, and a vessel
Stranded on the Bar.
Lo! the waters of the offing
Heave in troubled form;
Breaking on the eastern sea-board,
Hurtles in a storm.
Helpless lies the great Ontario
On the reach of sand;
Man the Life Boat! Man the Life Boat!
Put her from the land.
Round that dark hull see the curdy
Tumult of the wave;
Hurry, hurry, men of Yarmouth,
There are lives to save I
Now, yu beach-men, up bestir ye,
Save them while ye may I
.Drag the life-boat down the shingle,
Push off, and away!
Come, my men come, come why surely
Ye must be asleep ?
Ha! why slouch ye thus and whisper
In a dogged heap ?
Tell it out-what !-once more say it!
No, no,-cannot be !
One poor wretch among your number
Has insulted yo.
Bargain while a ship is sinking,
Ay, and for a sum
Devilish in its breadth of grasping ?-
Dastards, are ye dumb ?
Speak out, men-hold up your faces!
Do all say the same ?
Ha! 'tis true then-out upon ye,
Oh ye sons of shame !
For a moment, those who urged yo
From your rank offence
Looked in pain-and then they turned them
As from a pestilence.
Ye who have so fouled your order
For the sake of greed,
Of a girl, by name GRACE DARLINO,
Did ye over read ?
For the rudiments of manhood
Go to school again ;
At the feet of her example
Learning to be men.
Sailors of the Norfolk coast line-
Did ye ever find
Fouler wrong, disgrace, and insult
Fathered on your kind ?
England's heart hath long assayed ye
As among her gold;
Of your former deeds there have been
Noble stories told.
Hark ye! ye of real metal-
Scorning to be base-
Cast these bastards out, and shame them-
Shame them to the face.
From the hand-grip of the upright,
Let the false be spurned;
Let the back of all your honest ,
On the scum be turned.

BAH !
MR. DISRAELI has been enlarging on Agricultural subjects of late.
He amused some farmers at a dinner by proposing a now breed of
sheep, to be procured by a cross which all practical men know not to
be to the cross purpose. lie wants, we suppose, to have a flock like
his party in the House, with great cry and little wool.









80 [(NOVEBER 5, 1864.



8 .l --rN .

_02 N\


Mamma:-" WHAl's MY DARLING CRYING ABOUT ?"
Greedy Little Boy:-!' OH, MA, DEAR, DR. NOBS SAYS MANDIE'S GOT DIP-DIPTRIERIA-(sob)-and I haven'toft any-BOO-00H! "


TAU.NTON TOLERATION.
IIM conscience would not allow him to admit any children to schools under
his care who were not properly baptized according to the orthodox ritual."
-AiCHDuACON DENIsON's Speech at Taunton.
TWE always believed that the Christian religion
Desired little children to come and be taught
And we fancied that no one a right had to pigeon
lUs out of our birthright of freedom of thought.
But ARCHDEACON D.
Says plainly, says he,
"This mild toleration's not suited for me!"
One would think that a child, for a parent's omission,
Should hardly be barred from attending a school.
It's hard for a fault which is not his commission,
A lad should be forcibly kept a dull fool.
But ARCHDEACON D.
Says plainly, says he,
"He shan't come to school and be taught A B C."
You'd think that the best way religion of teaching,
Would be by an influence over the young,
Before they grow up beyond argument's reaching-
It's the early sown seed that has earliest sprung!
But ARCHDEACON D.
Says plainly, says he,
I'm a great deal too wise to admit such a plea! "
It makes one quite sad, that such folly one can see !
What a pity it is for the world that there are
Certain misguided people who bigotry fancy
Than mere Christianity better by far.
There's ARCHDEACON D.,
It's evident he
Is one of the folks who spell Christian" with B.


LITERARY ANNOUNCEMENTS.
THE following books may be looked for (by persons who have plenty
of time to bestow on the search) during the coming Christmas
season:-
The British Bivalve. By F. BUCKLAND. OrPEHENR, Pattern-
oyster-row.
.Philerbial Provosophy. By M. F. TUPPER, A.S.S. I. DYOTT,
Colney Hatch.
Aurora Dunbar Audley, the Doctor's Outcast Wife. By Miss
BRADDON. Mc SWELL, London.
' Hands without Homes. Not by the REV. J. G. WOOD. COTTON,
Manchester.
Enoch the Soft'an. By ALFREED 10 HIS SON. MOCKSONG, Do-us-
street.
The Beautiful, The Benignant, Th e Bosky. By SIR E. B. L. L. B.
B. L. B. LYTTON. SMITH, London.

HAVE you pains in head or back,
Does a pang neuralgic rack
Your poor brow till fit to crack,
Or do devils blue attack,
Or is business dull or slack,
Has your head lost its old knack,
Are you bored by knave or quack,
Whom you find it hard to sack ?
If, in short, around your track
Troubles gather in a pack,
And relief and ease you lack,
Purchase the FUN ALMANACK!
(W7ich will be ready in November.)


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78,79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the:Office 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 5, 1864.









NOVEMBER 12, 1864.] UN TJ N 81


AT THE PLAY.
A R IO U S theatrical
novelties have cha-
". racterized the past
Seek. Sybilla,the play
/ at the St. James's
Theatre (see bill o'
the play at the St.
James's Theatre), has
proved to be a decided
success, notwithstand-
ing the fact that the
plot is characterized
by a certain wild im-
probability which is
amusing from its very
wildness. The alter-
native title," Step by
Step, is of course
suggestive of several
successive stories, and
these stories relate
how SYBILLA, who is
a barmaid, circumvents her successive lovers in order to arrive at the
State Papers of the Kingdom of Denmark, which it would seem are
kept in a small jam cupboard in an alfresco sitting-room, which opens
by folding-doors into a terrace common to the inhabitants of the
palace. CHARLES MATHEWS, a young timber-merchant, is the ground
floor from which SYBILLA starts. Her first story is MR. FRANK
MATTHEWS, the Secretary to the Prime Minister. The Prime
Minister himself is the two-pair, and KING CHRISTIAN or DENKARK
himself is an inappropriate third floor. The internal arrangements of
the supposititious edifice in which the events of the drama take place,
are somewhat complicated by the fact that the ground floor insists
upon following SYBILLA up-stairs step by step to the top of the house,
and then walks unceremoniously into the three-pair front just as that
monarch is about to declare his intentions. SYJILLA, having been
detected by the king in the act of walking into the state papers in
the jam cupboard, is made a countess on the spot, and married happily
to her faithful ground floor. The "comedy-drama" is very gracefully
written, and met with an unqualified success. In the second act,
which takes place in a Government office, we are let into the secret
as to how the work of public departments is scarred on in Copenhagen.
That there should be a good deal that is very rotten in the State of
Denmark is not to be wondered at when a minister's private office is
made the rendezvous of Government clerks, cooks, and ex-barmaids.
The Olympic opened under the new management last Wednesday.
The principal dish in the bill of fare is a drama of interest called the
Hidden Hand, which was also perfectly successful. The principal
feature in a very long first act is a gnarled and knotted genealogical
tree, which requires to be very much cut down, for it has really little
or nothing to do with the progress of the piece. The interest, how-
ever, increases as the action of the piece is developed. The story
turns on the slow poisoning of Miss LouisE MOORE by her grand-
mamma, Miss ADELAIDE BOWERING, and on the misfortunes of
Miss KATE TERRY (Miss MOORE'S mamma), who is generally sus-
pected of being the poisoner. The incomprehensible illness of Miss
LouISE MOORE is a source of great anxiety to SIR CARADOC, a species
of amateur medical man, who ought to have been put down by the
profession long before the opening of the piece. Nobody can guess
at the source of the illness, which to SIB CARADOC'S a paradox, until
he accidentally discovers that everything poor Miss MOORE partakes
of is, somehow or other, arsenicated. Miss BOWERING shams
paralytic in order to escape suspicion, and, as it is considered necessary
now-a-days that if you wish to exculpate A you must accuse B, poor
Miss TERRY is charged with the crime. The actual murderess is
discovered, however, in a "sensation scene," which embraces the
principal features of Hampton-court Palace, a clinical lecture, and
the BROTHERS DAVENPORT.
The Hidden Hand is admirably played throughout. That Miss
KATE TERRY should distinguish herself by every graceful and lady-
like characteristic was looked upon as a matter of course, but few were
prepared for the bursts of dramatic power with which that young lady
from time to time astonished her audience. The management is to be
congratulated on possessing a charming ingenue in the person of Miss
LoUISE MOORE, a sister of Miss NELLY MOORE. Miss MOORE
played a very difficult and delicate part with remarkable sweetness
and pathos. Poor Miss BOWERING'S sphere of action was extremely
limited, for the paralytic stroke from which she was supposed to be
suffering rendered it necessary for her to be wheeled about whenever


she wished to change her position. The meeting weoi nevertheless,
unanimous in passing several resolutions expressive of their approba-
tion of her judicious conduct in the chair. THE ODD MAN.

JOHN LEECH.
DIED SATURDAY, 29TH OCTOBER, 1864.
"LEECH is dead! "-the blow of tidings
Fell with heavy hand;
"LEECH is dead "-and kindly sorrow
Went out through the land.
Thousands reading in the country,
Reading in the town,
Gave a start, and for a moment
Laid the journals down.
Thousands meeting one another,
Stopped and sadly said,
"Is it true, then ?-Have you heard it ?-
Heard that LEECH is dead ? "
Thousands who had never seen him
Felt their pulses stirred
By the death of one whose genius
Was a household word.
Gone the prince of comic artists,
Gone the pioneer
Of a road where now a many
Travellers appear.
Just as SCOTT between two forces
Held the poise aright;
Lit the corridors of fiction
With an unknown light;
Made the Real and Ideal
Grasp each other's hands,
Till they grew incorporated,
Under his commands;-
So did he, the great sarcastic
Limner of the age ;
In the garment of a jester
Striding as a sage.
While he worked within the temple
Of a rugged shrine,
Dimly lighted, lo i-the roofing
Showed in broader line.
For he marked a noble meaning
While in seeming play;
On the canvas of the Comic
Dashing sober grey.
Thus the fan-wheel of his genius
Winnowed out the chaff
From the grain, and taught the people-
Taught them when to laugh.
A reformer, he hath done great
Service for his race;
Many wretched follies he hath
Struck upon the face.
For the weak, his bold true pencil
Did defy the strong;
There was fire in its tracing,
When it fixed a wrong.
He is gone-among his brethren
He shall not be found ;
He that prophesied in motley,
Lieth underground.
Underneath the heavy beating
Of the winter rain,
Lo! how still the cunning fingers,
And the solid brain.
He departed while the many
Torches of his fame,
On his self-erected altar,
Burned with lambent flame.
Sinking down beneath life's streamway,
Gloriously tried,
Just a little past the downward
Turning of the tide.


VOL. VII. I










82 F T


A MEMORANDUM OF MUSTARD.
Co nsiderd p.vsiolooically, psychologically, allegorically, penalogi-
cally, and categorically in its relation to er own skin during the appli-
eatios of a cataplasm.
H! it's very cold and dabby."
Wait a little bit,
'Twill improve"-thus some one smiling
Took the part of it.
Presently a soothing something
Underneath the rag-
Something of a gentle tingling-
Justified the brag.
Yes, it's warmer-Mr. MUSTARD
Cometh from his shell;
If he were not quite so jolly,
'Twould be just as well.
S *
Metre changes, the rhythm of the above being far too proper
minded and regular for the subsequent exhilaration of cuticle. Some-
thing morejiggity and erratic required.
Pleasant this, upon my word,
I'm in a little fire;
My dor-al muscles are embraced
In coils of red-hot wire.
Come, IosNATIs, holy father,
Here's a lash for secret sin ;
Lo !-I recommend KEEN Mustard
Clapt upon thy skin.
Be original, IcsATrIs,
Wear a mustard shirt
Underneath thy hairy garment-
Never mind the dirt.
Get thee up upon a platform,
Clad in cataplasms;
Hold thee forth in silent wriggle,
Con quering the spasms.
I adjure thee by the poultice
Spread on me to-night,
A good foot long, three quarters broad,
Upon my honour bright.
It was prescribed by M3. Baowi,
Of E-'ula.i.hn piack;
Say, lie, When you go home apply
Some mustard on your back.
"A warmubath firit, then up she goes;"
Says I, ` Ol, v:.r, well." *
It's off at iast, but as for dleep-
La that's a precious sell.
So here I kick, unhappy wretch,
And wide awake I keep;
"Sleep no more," a voice doth cry-
Mustard doth murder sleep?.


AN IMPERFECT REPORT MADE PERFECT.
Is our las; iniprssion we were unable to give the name of the
magistrate who sentenced the child W'ILLIAM WIBt to "six
months for six walnuts." This omisiion has given great offence to
the 5ustit'e concerned. He cuae to see us yesterday, and, notwith-
standiug the repeated assertions or our boy that we could not be dis-
turbed, that we were, in fact, busily engaged in looking over some
copy for the AiMAXAci, left on approval by LORD PAXauanslox, he
insisted so vehemently that, in order to stop the row which was per-
holating through the door of cotnuunicaeiou, we came out to inquire
causes, and, if necessary, to administer effects, and encountered an
erect being in a which si've of inflammation, who, without waiting for
our uitiaurive, thus dei.rs-i himisef-
ERFCT BEISa -1.h'I The e.'itor, I presume? My card, sir,
y cardn! (Presents thin paralleloram of pasteboard.)
EDIrro treading slowly.-"MA--JOs GEN-E-sn DITCHES."1
And what, sir, may vour business be, and why this indecent inter-
ruption ?
EExcr BExi ..; .r. visiblyv.-I am a mayor, sir, a mayor, the
Mayor of Tenterden. Observe the lefi-hand corner of my card.
EPIToS (a~fr iuspec:i's through eye-glass).-Ah. yes, "Ma siyr of


7' NT [NoVEMBER 12, 1864.


Tenterhooks," we do observe, and to what does that interesting fact
tend?
ERECT BEING (furiously).-Tend, sir? I'd have you to know, sir,
that a mayor is a mayor, to say nothing of this mayor (tapping..
himself upon his chest) being a major-general-yes, sir, a major-
general, sir.
EDITOR (in our own peculiar way).-Both facts are,' doubtless,
potent; but you must excuse us if we are not so much impressed with
them as you seem to desire. But now, sir (this sternly, in the stand-
no-nonsense, don't-waste-my-time-sir method), to the point; what do
you want with us ?
ERECT BEING (gasping).-Sir, you have dared to withhold, or have
been careless to ascertain, the name of that magistrate, sir, who
sentenced the boy WEBB.
EDITOR (eagerly and smiling, and adjusting eye-glass).-No-you
don't mean it ? Can it be ? Oh, this is indeed a treat Don't move,
we implore you! We wouldn't miss that pose on any account.
(DITCHES stiffens his body.) Thank you, that is very nice. (After
a pause.) Well, you are about the creature we expected.
ERECT BEING (frowning).-What does that mean?
EDITOR (with a motion of hand -head a little on one side).-Just
what you please, or have ability to discern.
ERECT BEING (frowning more puckery).-Sir, I object to your tone.
Sir, beware! At the Siege of--
EDITOR (impatiently).-Oh, really now you must excuse us. Your
military history may be all very wonderful, but it certainly would be
a bore.
EnaCT BEING (roaring).-Bore, sir ? What, sir ? Have a care,
sir At the Siege of--
EDITOR (decisively).-Quite enough of this. (To one of our
strong men.) Bundle him out at the door! (Bundled out accord-
ingly.)
ERECT BEING (bursting on the pavement, shaking his stick at our
office, and addressing the passers-by).-I'll do for him. I'll make a
spread eagle of him. At the Siege of-- (Repeats this at intervals
down the street.)

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PIoEn UPr 3Y OUn OWn MouCeAnD.
SMITH.-So PROFESSOR JOWrET has been done out of his fair
salary again by the Oxford Dons.
BaowS.-Yes; no meanness is too small or too large for the gratifi-
cation of odium theologirum.
SMITH.-True; but in this instance it seems to me not so much a
case of gratifying odium theologicum as of positive injustice.
BRowN.-Still, you know, voting away a man's salary is a far easier
plan than refuting his doctrines, especiallywhen he really understands
the question, and you don't.
SMITH.-After all, though, it is only a work of time, and they must
do justice to the Professor at last.
BaowS.-Did you see TOM KING has been coming out in your
new A ay lately before the public?
SMITHrr.-Yes, in the rowing line. Well, any way, it is more
respectable than the pugilistic, to which hitherto his attention has
been so successfully turned.
BEowx.-Ah, and if equally fortunate in his new line, he may
adopt as his motto that borne by one of our regiments, "Per mare, per
terras."
SMITHrr.-Yes, he might; only his mare happens to be a river; with
that exception, the motto would be exceedingly applicable.
BRowN.-Well, never mind; I look upon it as a decided rise in
life for him, and though not particularly intellectual, yet one where he
is always likely, if nothing else, to get the pull.
SMITH.-I say, the AncamiSHor or YORK walked into sensational
literature pretty well last week.
BR-ows.-Yes, but eai hoo ? Do you think people will read one
exciting rnovel the less on account of the archiepiscopal fulminations ?
The days when clerical thunder nwas effectual have long since gone by.
Even the papal Bull roars softly now-a-days.
SuMi.- Well, but you must own that the Archbishop's strictures
are not altogether undeserved.
BaowN.-May be. Still, even the most daring of our sensational
writers never inculcate the crimes they narrate. Vice invariably is
punished, though virtue is sometimes left to be its own reward.
SMITH.-Then you mean to say that, after all, sensation is the old
child's story of naughty DirC, who went out sliding on a Sunday and
was drowned, on a larger scale ?
BRowN.-Just so; and, therefore, though almost, yet not alto-
gether us less as a moral teIcher.


4 1 ____








NOVEMBER 12, 1864.]


P UN.


DECIDEDLY NOT A BAR-GAIN.
A LEGAL DRAMA IN ONE ACT.
DRAMATIC PERsONaE.
MR. DAGOOD, Barristers.
MR. SORIA, I
MR. SNooKS, an arranging debtor.
MER, TOODLES, witness.
Creditors, attorneys, etc.
SCENE.-A private meeting for the examination of an arranging
debtor. The witness TOODLES is giving evidence.
MR. DARGOOD.-Now, MR. TOODLES, and what should you call a
fair composition under the circumstances ?
Ma. TOODLES.-Well, sir, if you ask-
ME. SORTA.-I object to the word composition, especially if it comes
from my learned brother; his compositions are worth nothing.
ME. DARGOOD.-Really, MR. SoRIA, this interruption is very un-
professional; I cannot go on with the examination if it continues.
Ma. SoaIA.-The interest of my client is, in my mind, pre-eminent.
ME. DARGOOD (with bitter saroasm).-In your what ? I didn't
know you had such a thing as a mind.
MR. SoEIA.-I have, and a good one to punch your head, if you
make such a remark again.
AN EXTENSIVE CREDITOx (deprecatingly, who sees in this passage
of arms, or rather lungs, an interruption to the grand business of
getting his money out of the debtor).-Really, gentlemen, this is not
the place for this kind of language. Pray continue the examination.
Ma. SoRIA.-You shut up, sir, or I'll show you practically what is
the meaning of the term arm of the law." (Shakes his fist threaten-
ingly, and presents that portion of his anatomy to the nose of the
remonstrating creditor as if it were a specimen of a new and choice
kind of scent, whereupon the remonstrating creditor subsides into his
native insignificance.)
MR. DARGOOD.-This violence is positively disgusting, MR. SoRIA.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sir.
MR. SoRIA.-Anotller observation of that sort, and I'll give you two
black eyes to be ashamed of. Why don't you go on with your exami-
nation, instead of wasting the valuable time of these gentlemen with
frivolous remarks ?
MR. DARGOOD.-I deny the imputation, sir, and it's like your im-
pudence to make it. (Turning quickly to the witness TOODLES, who
during the altercation has been mentally speculating who will give
the first blow.) Now, sir, I repeat my question, what amount of com-
position do you consider fair ?
ME. TOODLEs.-Well, sir, if you ask--
MR. DARnOOD.-Of course I asked; besides, you said that before.
Now, sir, no prevarication, but answer my question at once.
MR. SoRIA (seeing a good opportunity for cutting in determines
not to miss it).-This is mere bullying, and only worthy of a black-
guard; but there, gentlemen (turning to the assembled attorneys
and creditors), what can you expect from my learned friend ? His
legal knowledge is limited.
MR. DARGOOD (with intense wrath).-If I hadn't more legal know-
ledge in my little finger than you have in your whole body, I'd eat
myself.
MR. SoEIA.-Were it not a physical impossibility the meal would be
rank poison; still, if it got rid of you it would be a decided benefit.
MR. DARGOOD.-I treat your low remarks with the contempt they
deserve, but they are quite worthy of you.
MR. SoRIA.-Worthy of me! What do you mean by that, sir ?
Ma. DARGOOD.-Mean ?-what I say, to be sure. It isn't often
you say what you mean, so it must be a novelty to you.
A SMALL ATTORNEY (who has another case coming on, and wants to
get away).-Gentlemen, pray proceed with the case, and settle your
private differences afterwards. It isn't only your own time you are
delaying.
MR. SORIA.-Who are you, sir P If you dare to interrupt me I'll
have you turned out of the room.
Ma. DARGOOD.-Ah! that's right, show your bravery on a small
man. You aren't talk like that to one of your own size.
ME. SORIA (stepping up to MR. DARGOOD in a threatening atti-
tude).-You're a (words unmentionable to ears polite), and
take that, sir (hits him a violent blow on the nose).
ME. DARGOOD (in melodramatic tones).-A blow! Gentlemen,
you are all witnesses to this brutality. (To MR. SOEIA, who has been
pounced upon and restrained by the attorneys and creditors generally.)
I demand an apology for this, sir, instantly.
Ms. SOTIA.-And you won't get it, you blackguard, that's all.
MR. DAnOooD.-Then, sir, all I can say is I shall bring it before a.
higher authority. (Exit with his handkerchief to his nose as if to
bring the injured organ to the "higher authority.")


MR. SORIA (triumphantly).-Yah go on, you coward! Who cares
for you or your higher authority either ? Yah yah !
(The scene closes with a general fight, in which the attorneys,
creditors, debtor, and every one generally join.)


THE LAST OF THE HEROES.
Oxiry one veteran-truly thie last man-went on hoard tlhe Victmry on the anni-
versary of the Battle of Trafalgar. It is ctitoin.Irv to receive th iancinata with
all honour, and the last man had a warm ovation, it need not be said.'"
HE had stood on that slippery deck,
How many years ago!
When the death-bolt broke through the clouds of smoke,
As they grappled with the foe.
They were gallant hearts of oak
That stood beside him then ;
But their day was past, and he was the last,
The last of those mighty men.
They had grappled the fooman fast,
They had boarded the foeimau's deck,
That was covered all o'er with slippery gore-
The foreman's ship was a wreck.
He had seen bravo men, a score,
Drop, struck to death, by his side,
And grimly smiled-but he wept like a child
When the gallant NELSON died.


* *


* *


And now once more he stands
On the well-known vessel's deck-
The last of them all; 'tis a wonder small
That his tears he cannot check.
He looks around on the wave-
Alongside, forward, abaft;
Strange changes there seem, like those of a dream--
What different kind of craft!
"Our vessels are altered quite
In these days," the old man said;
"But their crews, I suppose, are as brave as those
Of the olden time, who are dead.
"For whether of iron or wood
Be the ships, they've hearts is bold
As the men who sailed anud fought and prevailed
With NELSON, in days of old!"

CUMMING IT TOO STRONG.
SERIOUS popular disturbances have broken out recently at Smyrna
owing to the prophecy of some dervish that the world was coining to an
end. Certain classes of the community thought they might as well
make the most of their time, and set to work pillaging. This should
put DR. CUMMlNG on his guard. If his prophecies of the millennium
were acted on by the million, he would land his prediction of the end
of the world not exactly the end he aims at.

A Bad Judge of what was Good for Him.
MR. JUSTICE WILLIAMS having injudiciously embraced Banting-
we mean the system, not the individual, whom we believe it is still
impossible to get round-has been brought to death's door by his
rashness. We are very glad to hear that he is now much improved,
and (as he has dropped the system) in a fair way of coming round,

A Rap for the Romanists.
(Vide "Times," of 6th September.)
SomE parties there are at Malines,
Who do not quite know what they mean,
For by giving "three cheers"
In the way that one bears,
Quite crazed they appear to have been.

JUDY-OLD JEWRY.-Yes, he may have his brandy, but not his
wine.
ANN ELIzA.-From your names we fancy that you yourself should
be perfectly competent to test the purity of your own coffee.
ENNUI.-Eead carefully every week the proceedings of the St.
Mary-le-bone vestry.






F UTJ .-NOVEMBER 12, 1864.


BRIGHT GOINGS ON.





~I F lu N.-NOVEMBEB 12, 1864.


\ '~N

I ~N


THE HOMELESS


POOR


ACT OF 1864.


Mr. Bull (giving the Act):-" THERE, BUMBLE, THESE ARE YOUR RULES; PAY ATTENTION TO THE M; AND WE NEED NOT, AND
MUST NOT, MIND, SEE ANY MORE SUCH SCENES AS THESE."


Aof


f









FUN.


NOVEMBER 12, 1864.]


OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT AT THE OLD BAILEY.
N the occasion of a recent memorable trial
your correspondent, in compliance with
your directions, betook himself to the
t i' Central Criminal Court, held at the
S,',Old Bailey, with the view of reporting
S '1 --upon the general characteristics of the
I '.ll.',^- d proceedings at that tribunal.
I That gentleman, armed as he was with
the special pass of the eminent work to
i which he is attached in the capacity of a
contributor, found no difficulty in
making his way on to the bench. The
officials, who ascertained from his card
that he was the much-dreaded corres-
pondent of the much-dreaded paper,
which the readers of this article are now holding in their hands,
were awe-stricken, but not uncivil. They perhaps thought that
their politeness to Y. 0. C. would blind that scarifier to their
insolence to other less important members of society, but it was
not so. The first incident which struck Y. 0. C. as he entered
the building was a duet between a barrister and a policeman,
The barrister claimed admission to the court on the ground
that he was a barrister, and the policeman (with a liberal use
of My good man") refused him admittance on the ground that he
(the barrister) had not the advantage of being personally known to
him (the policeman). The barrister admitted that he was not known
to the police, and gave his name, but still the policeman was obdurate;
so the barrister pushed by him, and the policeman sent another
constable after the wretched lawyer, who followed him to the robing-
room. The barrister subsequently complained to an individual in a
wonderful costume, which may be said to bear the same relation to a
court suit that the dress of a job-master's fly-driver does to that of
a well-appointed coachman, inasmuch as the upper part of the indi-
vidual was clothed in court dress and ruffles, whereas his lower half
was encased in the black trousers of ordinary life. The answer of the
individual (whoever he was) to the barrister's complaint was re-
markable.
I'm quite sure that what the policeman did was done with the
intention of pleasing you! "
This, Y. 0. C. overheard with his own long ears.
And, Y. 0. C. discovered upon the spot how it came to pass that the
gentlemen who habitually practise at the Old Bailey are so inferior
in social status and in professional demeanour to counsel of the West-
minster and Equity bars. He looked at the array of aldermen upon
the bench, and he saw six or eight over-fed tradesmen, one or more of
whom sit there every day during sessions to superintend the be-
haviour of such educated and experienced lawyers as the Recorder and
Common Serjeant. He looked at the bloated insolence depicted on
the faces of many of the officials of the court, and he remarked the
insolent patronage extended by the policeman on duty at the bar
entrance to the barristers who happened to be present. He noticed
that whereas many shilling-paying laymen were admitted into the
bar seats to the exclusion of barristers, the barristers so excluded
were not allowed to avail themselves of vacant seats in other parts of
the court; and having taken in all these facts at a comprehensive
glance, he wondered not so much that the members of the Old Bailey
bar were men of an inferior stamp to their brethren of Chancery and
Westminster, as that they should be men of any stamp at all.
Y. 0. C. saw much to complain of in the press arrangements. Re-
porters were allowed to scramble in as best they could, they were
treated with intolerable insolence by all the court officials, and the
places that should have been reserved for them were, in many cases,
monopolized by friends of the Sheriff.
YOUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.

Their True Colours !
BY an Imperial order the Turkish commercial flag has been altered.
Instead of the red ground and white crescent, as hitherto, the colours
are a green ground with a red ball in the middle, bearing a white
crescent. This introduction of green into the commercial flag is
peculiarly happy, that being the colours of the Profit.

A Canine Epitaph.
To kindred earth all dogs must pass-
This one's short life is over;
As people say, he's gone to grass,"
Let's hope, poor dog, it's clover.


87


SIX-LINED PORTRAITS.
PALMERSTON.
An old man,
And a bold man,
Who has always got his blade out;
Who jokes, and thumps
Down ace of trumps
Whenever you think him played out.
GLADSTONE.
A slim man,
And a grim man,
A great arithmetician;
Whose little game
Is to drive his fame
In the go-cart of ambition.
RUSSELL.
A little chap,
With a greedy lap
Spread out for situations ;
A fossilized kitten
Whose capers are written
In many botherations.
DERBY.
One whose walk
Is brilliant talk,
But not a good first fiddle;
An office tide-waiter,
But so far a tal ur
That boils very hard in the middle.
DISRABLI.
Lo here is BEN,
Of whom all men
Debating are afraid of;
But there it ends,
For even friends
Are doubtful what he's made of.
STANLEY.
Of the true men
There are few men
More honest, bold, and manly;
No froth, no puff,
But real stuff
You shall observe in STANLEY.
BRIGHT.
The man of peace,
Who puffs his grease
As the world's best lubricator;
With special appointment
To curse his own ointment
When dabbed on the Yankee nature.
LAYARD.
The Cabinet bruiser,
Always a loser,
Because he hits like a wild man;
A capital fellow
To swagger and bellow;
As for the rest he's a mild man.
BENTINCK.
The man of brag,
A moral drag,
Who knows not where his place is;
False and vain,
And cross in grain,
A fly upon the traces.
F. PEEL.
A little man,
Who never can
Get beyond the toddling;
In and out
And round about
He frisks in red-tape swaddling.
NEWDEGATE.
You'd scarcely meet
More sad conceit
Than his whose words are dry dust;
Of bores the king
This shifty thing,
Whose promises are pie-crust.









ji-S p U [o 118


THE COMIC MYTHOLOGIST.
ACTIroN.
CTXEON was a
mighty hunter,
and the son of
ARISTeUS and
AUTONOs, the
Ancestors res-
pectively of the
two pugilists,
HARRY STEERS
and the O'DoN.
OGRUE. Little
o--- wis known of
AcTroN except
the manner of
k ihis death, which
was thus:-One
evening, after a long run with the Gargaphian hounds, he took a
quiet stroll along the banks of the river from which the dogs derived
their name. Unfortunately, that which he intended as a delicate com-
pliment to his dogs turned out to be an indelicate compliment to the
goddess DIANA, who had selected the stream in question for her evening
bath. As AcrTON was neither PAN ORIoN nor ENDYxMION, the chaste
goddess was so shocked at being discovered in (literally) demi-toilette,
that she determined to avenge herself on the unhappy intruder. She
asked him what had induced him to walk in that direction that
evening, and on his replying, innocently enough, that he had only
come there for a little change, she brutally replied, "Very well, then,
you shall have it," and immediately transformed him into a stag.
AcT.uoN's dogs were particularly fond of their master, and had
frequently remarked among themselves that he was "joli a croguer;"
but as eating young men is a dangerous amusement for dogs to
indulge in, they were compelled to content themselves with imagining
the treat, until that superior woman DIANA transformed him into
dog's-meat. They then set upon the unfortunate animal, who was so
completely staggered by his transformation that he was unable to
offer any resistance. ACTrON, under these circumstances, presented
a remarkable instance of difficulties resulting from "embarras de
richesses," for although he was an adept in the use of his horn and
his two legs, he found a pair of horns and four legs utterly unmanage-
able. So he died. His dogs were eighty in number, and if the
reader wishes to know their names he will find them set out in
HYTINUS fab., 182.
GEUS.
EGEUs was king of Athens, and married iETHr A, the daughter of
PITTHEUS. It was in her honour that he composed the celebrated
lines beginning,
"Haw happy could I be with JETHAu! "
By this lady he had a son named THESEUs, whom his second wife,
MEDEA, attempted to poison. He, however, avoided the death in-
tended for him, and sailed to Crete as one of the seven chosen young
men who were yearly sacrificed to the Minotaur. Six died,
but he, instead of falling a victim to the Minotaur too, after
a minute or two- succeeded in slaying the monster, and returned
to Athens. After all, this
is a great deal more like a
history of ToENsUS than
of -Eous, but never mind,
let us get on. THESEUS
had arranged with 7EGEus
that if he escaped he would
hoist white sails, but that if
he died he would spread
black sails, and so relieve
his father's mind as to the
issue as soon as the vessel
came in sight. By the most
natural mistake in the world
black sails were hoisted in- I
stead of white ones, and the
horrified papa cast himself
headlong into the foaming
billows, and perished by a
hmgeus death.
,ENEAS
Was the son of VENUS and ANCHI SES, commonly called bread.
and-cheese.ANcHISEs, from his affection for that frugal fare. _eEAs


conducted himself particularly well during the Trojan war; his war
cry, Go it, my Trojans !" is preserved to this day. When Troy was
eventually set fire to, he carried his father, the
elderly ANCHISES, on his back, thereby earning
for himself the style and title of the "Pious
XENEAS," which does not speak volumes in
favour of the manner in which fathers were
usually treated by their sons in those remote
ages. In point of fact the conclusion that the
Comic Mythologist has already arrived at is,
that whenever anybody performed an ordinary
and commonplace social duty he was at once
deified, and held to be a person to be quoted as
being a remarkably, not to say a prseturna-
turally, excellent individual. He fled to -
Italy with a fleet of twenty ships, in quest,
as we are told, of a settlement. Eventually he was driven on to
the coast of Carthage, where QUEEN DIDO fell in love with him.
He appears to have thought QUEEN DIDO'S settlements to be the very
thing he was in search of, and a marriage was arranged between them.
However, he appears to have repented of his choice before the happy
event came off, for he left the poor lady in a particularly heartless
way. He excused his departure by shabbily laying it to the fault of
" the gods," who, he declared, ordered him to leave Carthage im-
mediately-an excuse which would not have gone far in mitigation of
damages if the question had been brought before a Westminster jury.
He sailed to Sicily and thence to Cumoe, and thence he went to
Tartarus to see his father, who (having been a devil of a fellow in his
youth) was working out a long sentence in the hell of the period.
After many years of vagabondizing he arrived at the Tyber, and
LATINUS, the king of the
locality,, offered .JENEAS his
daughter in marriage. TuENus,
king of the Rutuli (which ,
sounds like the chorus of a
comic song, but isn't), objected
to this arrangement, as he was
himself engaged to the lady. A

portant upshot of a lengthy war
between their respective armies,
and TURNus was killed in the
energetic way shown in the
margin. After the death of LATINUS, XEi AS came to the throne,
and was eventually posted in an Etrurian jar.

A MALTREATED MERMAID.
IT is reported that the Spanish fort of Tarifa has fired at an English
merchant vessel, the Mermaid, and sunk it. We hope that, as Spain
is a little country and we can bully her, EARL RUSSELL will send out
some of his myrmid-ons at once to avenge this insult. The good
people of Tarifa must be very stupid, or they would not have com-
mitted an action so certain to get them into trouble. But no matter
how thick their Spanish nuts are, we can, perhaps, knock knowledge
into them after shelling them. For this purpose a couple of our
largest hollow shot, with bursting charges in proportion, would be the
best pair of crackers.

IS HE INDEED ?
WE see it stated in a contemporary that
MR. ROEBUCK is now quite recovered."
Really! We did not know he had been mislaid, and have never seen
a reward offered for his recovery. Of course he was described as being
of no use to any one but his owner, whoever that lucky individual
may be.
A Conservative Conscience.
SIR HUGH CAIRNS has been promising to introduce a Sabbatarian
bill to a deputation of Irish fanatics. It is pretty easy to see that the
early closing of Parliament has opened his eyes to the great importance
of this question. Now SIR HUGH is no fool-because we all know
he's something else, being a clever lawyer. He really should not
devour dirt so very publicly.

ON THE KEY VIVE.
THE PRINCE IMPERIAL has taken his first music lesson. The poor
child ought to begin to learn early, considering the great part he is
expected to play.


[NOV.0113M 12, 1864.









NOVEMBER 12, 1864.] F JJ 1N 89


TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF.
AT last EARL RUSSELL has seen the folly of the foreign policy he
has pursued during the year, and as with the noble lord and Mn.
CHARLES READE "it is never too late to mend," henceforward we
shall see a strictly conciliatory line of action on the part of the Go-
vernment. How far the members of the Cabinet will be successful we
are, of course, at present unable to say. We may have our doubts on
the subject, and then again we may not; at any rate if we have them
we decline to state them. Nevertheless, since we do not wish to be
too cruel, we intend allowing the Ministry to try their new project,
and in proof of this we publish two despatches lately forwarded by
EARL RussELL-one to COUNT MOLTKE, the Danish minister, and the
other to HERR VON BISMARCK, of Prussian notoriety-on the late
conclusion of peace between Denmark and the German Powers:-
EARL RUSSELL TO COUNT MOLTKE.
MY DEAR COUNT MOLTKE,--I have to congratulate your Excel-
lency on the advantageous peace concluded by Denmark with the
German Powers. I am afraid, however, you will be inclined to con-
sider the word "advantageous" hardly appropriate in the present
instance, but I use it advisedly, seeing that under the circumstances
any peace must be more advantageous" than a war in which every-
thing was being lost and nothing gained. I have heard, although I
really can scarcely give credence to the rumour, that a certain amount
of bitterness against the English Government is prevalent in Denmark
at the present time, owing to the former not having assisted the latter
iol her late difficulties, but I think when I explain the reasons by
which we have been actuated, you will acquit us of even the semblance
of neglect. You must, first of all, understand that although numeri-
cally a great power, in reality England is one of the weakest in
Europe, and we were, and are still, owing to the wise administration
with which LORD PALMERSTON and myself have managed the affairs
of the country, totally unprepared for a war with so powerful a nation
as Germany. In fact this line of action has purposely been pursued,
since if unprepared for war we are, to a certain extent, compelled to
remain at peace, and on the country's remaining at peace depends the
continuance in office of the present ministry-to slightly alter the
words of g iNEAS qurormpoaers magna eau. And I need hardly remind
a statesman like yourself that it is the first and most important duty
of a politician to continue in office so long as he possibly can. Not
only that, but peace and prosperity go hand in hand, a fact which if pre-
viously unknown to you, you must at any rate now be fully prepared
to substantiate. As for the trifle of territory Denmark has lost, it
cannot after all weigh in the balance against the blessings which must
acorne to the country by the acquisition of peace. Again, therefore,
congratulating you, accept the assurances of my most distinguished
consideration. (Signed) RUSSELL.

EARL RUSSELL TO HERR VON BISMArCK.
My DEAR HERR VON BISMARCE,-Accept my warmest congratu-
lations on the conclusion of a peace as glorious to the Prussian arms as
the war by which it has been preceded. Believe me, we in England
have ever watched the progress of the war with undiminished interest,
and at every fresh triumph obtained by the united valour of the troops
of the great German Powers we have exclaimed, "These are indeed
soldiers!" I am aware that this statement may at first sight seem at
-variance to the sentiments expressed by the great body of the English
press, but you must remember that in England, where the advantages
enjoyed in Prussia are wanting, the press is unconnected with the
Government, and in no way reflects the opinions of the latter. In
fat it is one of the fundamental portions of the Briti sh Constitution,
'on which I am an authority, and can recommend my work on the
.sme, that such shall be the case. Nor can I altogether disguise from
myself that even in some of my despatches to the Prussian Govern-
ment a captious reader night place a harsh construction, and imagine
that we, by which I mean LOED PALMERSTON and myself, were un-
friendly to the cause of Germany. However, I have but to remind
you of the complete manner in which I contrived to lead on and
then desert the Danish Government to convince you that such is not the
case in reality. Assured, therefore, that this explanation will at once
banish all unpleasantness from between us, accept, etc.
(Signed) RUSSELL.

A Hint to Brother Ignatius.
(In a metre adapted to the subject.)
IF this letter vivacious, IGNATIUS,
As published, be strictly veracious,
I must say that I'm
(You will pardon the rhyme)
Compelled to pronounce it procacious.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBS.
THE trial of MULLER is over, and the man about whom public
opinion was pretty evenly divided has been proved guilty less by the
strength of the evidence against him than by the weakness of his
defence. To my mind this is rather a proof of the justice of the find-
ing than otherwise, for whereas those who seek the murderer are
groping in the dark, catching at all sorts of clues, the accused, if
innocent, holds in his own hand the cards that must trump the tenta-
tive ventures of the prosecution. That the prosecution is weak is not
conclusive of its being in error, for it has to go upon hypothesis and
the accidental discovery of evidence. That the defence is weak is
fatal, for it has everything to fall back upon for support. Still I must
confess that I shall not be sorry to learn that the sentence has been
commuted to solitary confinement for life. Where there still haugs
even only as much doubt as in this case about a man's guilt, we should
pause ere we are hurried into a step which is irrevocable. I must not,
however, conclude this last mention of the trial without expressing a
sense of relief that the trial was so well conducted, and that the
threatened nationalizing of the question was avoided. SERJEANT
PAeYsn cannot be too much praised for the judicious conduct of a
difficult case, though his speech was perhaps a failure.
No one will suspect an author of too warm a sympathy with pub-
lishers, so I may safely say how glad I am to see, and how entirely I
sympathize with, the circular which MR. MACMILLAN has put forth to
his brother publishers touching the present iniquitous system of under-
selling books. I am an ardent admirer of cheap literature, but the
advantages should not be confined only to the public and the trade."
Publishers and authors should get their share, which they do not
do under the present system. I hope all publishers will stand by Mn.
MACMILLAN, and fight the battle stoutly. If all other means fail,
they must combine and refuse to give the trade more than ton per
cent. For as CANNING said-or, rather, as he did not say, but very
nearly said-
O The error of such,
Is in giving too little ani taking too much.
In future, vagaries like these to prevent,
You should knock off each volume the 20 per cent.,
20 per cont.,
20 per cent.,
Wous frapIercz-oflf half of 20 per cent."
ART is looking up again. The winter exhibition at the French
Gallery has opened, and so has Mi. FITZPATRICK'S collection at the
New Water Colour Gallery. In the former, a picture of MR.
OncHARDsoN's, "The Challenge," bears off the palm of excellence.
There is also a choice a choice LEADER, a capital WATSON, a delicious J.
FAED, and two DUVERGERS. In the latter, HAYES and BAtNES
reign almost undisputed masters of the field.
WHILE every one has been straining his eyes to catch the latest
news of the MULLER trial, a greater trial-for the British Constitution
-has been going on unnoticed. Within the last ton days Parliament
has been on the verge of dissolution, and a general election has been
hanging over our heads like the sword of DAMOCLEs. The story is
that GLADSTONE and EARL RUSSELL (a blood horse and a donkey in
double harness) wanted to get a new Parliament together under the
auspices of the veteran whose eightieth birthday has been celebrated
recently, and whose popularity they are reported to rely upon. I
won't answer for the earl-indeed, he is hardly to be considered
answerable himself-but GLADSTONE knows that he can rely on his
own personal popularity. In a word, I don't believe the rumour!

Impressions on the Mind of the Honourable
Augustus Fitz-Dawdle.
THAT he is a useful member of society.
That a slight squint is becoming.
That the colour of his hair is auburn.
That every girl is in love with him.
That every person knows him, as he walks along the streets.
That there are two 11's in "until."
That chronic and future are synonymous terms.
That it's doubtful whether canary" begins with a c or a k.
That Fernando Po is in Iceland.
That 5 p.m. is "morning."
That actors and authors are very jolly companions-after twelve
o'clock at night.
That to earn one's own living is vulgar.
That renewing "a bill" is equivalent to paying it.
That there is only one man in London who can make a coat.
That he can wecollect one September when there were only two
families in town.
That Margate is a Thames-side village adjoining Waipping.









FUN.


(A


A BANKER.
Boy :--" pLL SHOW YOU HOW TO PASS THIS SORT OF CHECK, GOVERNOR !


THE GREAT O'LEARY.
Tr[E person who talked very big during the Schleswig-Holstein war
about getting up an Irish brigade for the KINr OF DENMARK, but
didn't do it, has been writing a sweet purity" letter to the Cork
Examiner. He describes at great length how he was received by the
royal family of Denmark, and thanked for what he didn't do. He
winds up his letter with true Irish modesty in the following terms:-
I thought that as an Irishman you would be pleased to hear that my wise idea,
deemed by many at houne Quixotic, has been at least in the North received in its
proper light, and that another Irish name has been added to the listof those who
have made our country known throughout Europe."
Quixotic indeed I The Don was a gentleman and a brave man,
and modest withal. We should never dream of accusing MR. O'LEARY
of resembling him. If he wants a comparison from CERVANTES, he
must be content to carry SANCno PAxZA and a packsaddle. He may
fondly believe he had added "another Irish name to the list," etc.,
etc. We beg to say that if he is written down on any list it will be
after DOOBEuat, and he will be "written down" a ditto to that
personage.
Arms and Japan I Sing."
IT is stated that no less than 300,000 stand of arms and some
rifled cannon have been shipped, with no very "happy despatch,"
for Japan (for the nobles of that country), and invoiced as "hard-
ware." As these weapons are of course intended to be used against
our soldiers, the spirited and patriotic manufacturers who supplied the
har Iware deserve some public recognition. Suppose they were treated
to a little hard wear and tear on the treadmill !

Isle of Beauty, fare thee well I"
"THE Channel Islands," says a writer in the Zoologist for last
month, "are gradually sinking into the sea." Here's a look out for the
inhabitants of the islands ; they will no doubt be in a state of terrible
linrm. Perhaps it may allay their fears to learn that the name of the
writer in question is 'ALKEB.


WANTED.
Or course all pretty girls read FuN-so here is "something to
their advantage," as a reward for virtue :-
WANTED, a YOUNG LADY, fair (golden) hair, blue eves, aquiline nose, well-
rounded oval face, to sit for a FACE in a domestic FANCY PICTURE., Apply
for terms to the artist, &e.
Terms, quotha! If such a perfection will only deign to visit us she
may sit not for a face only, but for the rest of our existence in a
domestic picture by our hearth. Terms! a light heart, a little the
worse for wear, and a thin pair of moustaches, grey eyes, and twenty
thousand a year. Let the advertiser call himself an artist if he dare
after such a picture as that.
Sporting Intelligence.
THE MARQUIs oF HASTINGS is said to have "pulled off" thirty
thousand pounds on the Cambridgeshire; and the late proprietor of
the Marquis's winning horse is reported to have done very well too.
A correspondent wants to know if they have made so much each what
is the 'Ack-worth ? *
EPISCOPAL NEWS.
THE BISHOP or ROCHESTER has given a very handsome living to
his son, who is doing Pritty(l)well in consequence.
A PROPOS OF THE INTERNATIONAL PRIZE FIGHT.1
WHY is October the right month for a pugilistic encounter ?-
Because it's the season for a brew, sir.
To Oblige Benson.
TrH notices of the North London Industrial Exhibition have all
mentioned that MR. BENSON (who has no business among the work-
ing classes, being simply an employer) exhibits a case of watches. It
seems a questionable case to us, and makes us ask the question, whe-
ther journalists ever dine with large horologists-just "to oblige
BENSON ?"


i b11 AUP 't 7 8 9, & in. I'etstet andS Putled ffr the Poprietors)by CI-1ARti. WHY1e., 't ll, hfle 111, k.ree-streeL, E..-Nvcmhber "i, 18ft


1 op 100


LINOVEMBER 11 LOUS.








NOVEMBER 19, 1864.]


FUN.


The Welcome to Pierre Antoine do
~_ ____ ____ Berryer.
_Lo __ L! the voices of four hundred
--Beating on the wall,
Beating on the fretted roofing
___Of the Temple Hlall.
Leonders of the law's great award,
Chiefs of storied name,
19p they rose, with cheers stentorian,
-_ ~ As the old man came.
"Old man eloquent," whose glory
Carries not one scar;
Son of France, a bold, true-hearted
Nestor of the Bar.
To receive a brother's welcome
From the Island race,
Lo hlie comes-a stalwart figure,
And a noble face,
And a bead that goes out grandly
With expanding rise,
As an arch of pregnant meaning,
Over honest eyes.
Just a little bent with weight of
Threescore years and ton,
And another five years added-
Came this peer of men,
With that ancient king of justice,
ROUGHAIM, at his sideo;-
And the billows of the cheering
Rolled in broader tide.


NEARLY FULL.
uwobg :-" YES, MARM, ROOM FOR TWO MOE "


One in whose bright honour foemen
Could not find a flaw,
Stood before the highest guardians
Of the British Law.
One whose fame linked Past and Present
With a gilded band;
One who had, for half a cycle,
Dignified the land.

RECKLE88 DRIVINo.- A cabman has
lately driven his own mother out of her
mind.
ENGLAND'S MAIN DnAINAOE."'-Taxa-
tion.


TOWN TALKED.
BT THE LUNOHER AT THE PUBS.
"WHO is this MR. CONINGSBY who writes to the daily papers, and
passes himself off as a working man ? I feel quite sure he is nothing
of the sort, merely from the style of his letters. His is not the
language of a stout, honest working-man (I don't mean that it is
English either, for it isn't), but the sort of stuff a lawyer's clerk,
much be-read in leading articles of the worst order, would be guilty
of. He has been sneering (only he can't sneer, so he only made faces)
at the Working Man's Exhibition at Islington, because it wasn't a
great deal better. As it is possible to sneer at any human performance
on that ground, this pseudo working man had done nothing very
clever-not so clever even as his bungling attempt to prove that he
received hosts of grateful letters from brother-workers from the fact
that his postman wanted a "tip" for extra porterage-a fact which
only proves the number, not the nature of the letters. I am very
busy just now, but I seriously intend before long to make a call on
this public character with just a view to find him in -and out. Working
man or no working man, he is injuring the class and its interests, and
I tell him so plainly. He hasn't sense enough to see it himself, for
ever since the Times made use of him (and then sent him off to the
right-about when the penny papers rushed at him), he has been so
desirous of saying something smart, that he hasn't stopped to see if it
were sense, much less truth, or not.
OP course every one knows the additional evidence in the MULLER
case as set forth by the German Society; to all of which I can only
ask, Why didn't you say so before ? 'For a weaker case than the
defence as it stood it would not be easy to conceive. If MULLER is
hanged I think it will be mainly owing to his defence having been


taken up by a "company," each individual .expecting his neighbour
to do what is everybody's duty.
THERE is a comic incident in the account just received of the last
"Town and Gown" at Oxford, the immemorial "Fight of the Fifth."
Some townsman (which means any one not a gownsman, and so on
this occasion a bumpkin, who had come to the market from a distance)
pitched into the proctor, and gave him a pretty considerable dressing
-a thing which proctors often deserve, but seldom got. The dignitary
was eventually rescued by one BossoM, who, according to all accounts,
must be better as a punter than a pugilist. On this same Guy
FAWKES day SIR JOHN BURaOYNE and a lot of engineer officers had
their little display of fireworks at the South Kensington Exhibition
building. They were not very successful, for they blow off a lot of
powder, and only shook down a little bit of one tower. It is pretty
clear that if FowKE did not go in for beauty, he did for durability,
and never expected that we should pull the barn down.

MOST CERTAINLY.
As all EARL RUSSELL's late efforts have so signally failed, we fancy
his lordship must, in his inmost conscience, look upon himself as
being a veritable Cheap Jack."

AMERICAN THEATRICALS.
WAsHINGToN, November, 1864.-The tragedy of a Brother's
Blood has been running here for some years past. It is now accom-
panied by a comedy-some designate it "a farce"-called The Con-
tested Election.

A WELSHMAN'S OATH.-An affi-DAVID.


VOL. VII.









9,2 FUN.


[NooVEMBER 19, 1864.


THE COMIC MYTHOLOGIST.
JEscYLUs
WAS a poet and soldier, and was celebrated in both capacities. Fronm
his proficiency in martial exercises the verse of six feet is called the
hexercisameter. This is the more remarkable as it was a form of com-
poiftion which he hardly ever used. He wrote upwards of ninety
tragedies, but as only forty of them were paid for, it is probable that the
other fifty were shockingstuff; and he is said to have considered himself
fortynate in getting paid for as many as he did. LEmatxnn tells uS
that whenever AcmILLes composed, his countenance became horridly
di composed, and exhibited an expression of the most awful fereelty.
During the first performance of the .uumenides, a fury extravagant,
it is said that children died of fright, and grown men rushed in horror,
from the theatre- a proceeding which caused EscHYLus to confedb wa
to the Iightl and exclaim, Call yourselves men? Youmen, indeed-!"
And he repi atled his You men, indeeds" so often, that it eventually
gave the ,ame to the tragedy. Certain unpopular sentences in4 no of
his Ir .;. h caused him to be condemned to death, but his brother
interposed with a most extraordinary argument, which'had the' effect
of procuring a pardon for him. The manner of it was thi#:-The
brother bared his arm (the band of which had been' lost ath' battle'
of Salamis) before the judges, and this sensation stroke' was so su0-
cessful that they, in a most absurdly inconsequent manner, reversed
the sentence. This circumstance gives rise to the following reflection
in the mind of the C. M. "If the production of a brother who had
only lost one hand had such an extraordinary effect,.how would itr
be if MA. SEuJEANT PARRY in his next capital case' produced the
murderer's kalf-brother in court after the sentence ? The'C. M., with
his customary liberality, presents this idea to Da, Jucil ani the
members of the German Society in general. In hi- old'age the'pbet
left Athens and went to Sicily, where he took lodgings, which: hehhad
to hire o' lliEno, to whoso court he preferred to retire; oh !-tirf'oh'l
lie met his end in a peculiar way. An epicureaneagle had made
the acquaintance of a fine elderly turtle, and sought of him the hand
of one of his tortoises in marriage. The happy pairing, the'courge' of
their honeymoon travelled through Sicily, where the bridegroom un-
fortunately quarrelled with his bride, and with the amiable'intention
of dashing her to pieces he dropped her on the bald head of' IESCHYLUS,
which he was uncomplimentary enough to take for a stone; The
falling fish made so many marks and re-marks upon that head, that its
proprietor died on the spot, aged 456 B.C.-but this sounds like a
mistake somewhere.
JESCULAPIus.
APOLLO and Conowis, daughter of PHLEGIAS, were great cronies,
and the result of their affection was the birth of aESCULAPIUS, the
god of medicine. 1EscULAPIUS was instructed by CHinoN, the
Centaur, who was half a horse, and from the fact of his instructor's
being all but horse we have the English word horse-but-all (vulg.
hospital)-a place in which the sick poor are cured. ESCULAPIUS
cured all his patients, and, this unprofessional behaviour so disgusted
PLUTo (whose court wanted renewing), that he complained to
JuPITEr, who killed the medical gentleman with a thunderbolt.
PLUTO was so charmed at IEacuLAPIrs's arrival in the infernal regions
that lie discharged his old court and appointed EscuLAPrUS in the
stead of the courtiers so discharged, with the polite remark," Physician,
cour thyself !"
AJAX.
AJAX was the son of TELAM ON, and is said to have been, next to
ACHILLES, the bravest of all the Greeks who besieged Troy. As
ACHILLES was invulnerable everywhere save in his heel, and as AJAXS
was invulnerable everywhere save in his neck, it is easy to understand
that they must have had opportunities of distinguishing themselves
which ordinary heroes did not possess. It was AJAX who gave rise to
the proverb Neck or nothing," at least the C. M. dares say it was.
After the death of AcnILLEs, AJAX and ULYSSES contended for the
arms of AChILLES, which were awarded eventually to ULYSSEs, and
AJAx in his rage slew a flock of sheep which he imagined, for no
particular reason, were the sons of ATREUS, and if they had been,
the C. M. is at a loss to understand how it could have affected
ULYSSES. After this atreuscious act he stabbed himself. That's all.
A3MAZONES
Were a nation of strong-minded females who inhabited the shores
of the Euxine. They were extremely beautiful, and Euxine eyes
came to be proverbial for their power of getting round one, just as
hooks and eyes are in the present day. They assisted PRIAM in the
defence of Troy, and in the course of the defence PENTI1ESILEA, their
queen, was killed, and from that moment their glory decayed.
AMBmROSIA.
AMnRosIA was a daughter of ATLAS, with whom she passed some
mappy years. She gave the name to the food of the gods, which gave


immortality to all who eat it. It was said to be sweeter than honey,
and the C. M.'s seven-and-threepenny LEMPRIEBE tells him that it
possessed a most odoriferous smell," which sounds tautological, and
which:mesithave rendered it impossible' to sit over one's wine after
dinner. The gods used to: rub their heads in'it when they wished to
be,, particularly attractive- a; proceeding which is presented in a
modified'form, to the moderns when a, clown in a- pantomime rubs a
plate from-whichthe has been dining, on his hair.

YE CHIVAL1RIE OF COCKAIGNE.
BT Ocn Owx LAUREATE.
As I stood with people shoaling,.
On-the kerb, there came up rolling,
Waves of mighty hum;
And, I heard the cornets clanging,
And the drums' majestieobanging-
"LoT I" I said, "'they come."
Lo! they come, the drunmsand. whistles,
Through an avenue that bristles
With. the Peeler'Guardft,
Then the little.boys with'banners,
Paid'by fee of bobs and tanners-
Knowing little cards;
After them, "for tbis occasion,"
Heralds three with bugles brazen,
And with. tabards neW';
Then in honour of the Livery,
Men with flags-their gait was shi verv,
And their noses blue
Presently of London City
Came thebanner; but 'twas pity;_
And my heart was torn,
When the'Beadle of the Chandlers,
aulliied'by'his stern commanders,
Triedto ease -his corn.
]a! stand' fast! crane'necks, ye people,
Clang out bells from every steeple,
Let the welkin ring;
Gentle ladies, scatter flowers
On the road, in plenteous showers;
Smile like anything.
Spectacle to do one's sight good,
See them come in glorious knighthood,
Knights of high degree;
Some are mailed for the tilting,
Some to give the foe a quilting,
Ride in cap-a-pie.
Over saddle-bows low bending,
To the fair ones, squires attending
At each stalwart side;
See them now restrain the courses
Of the coal-black fiery horses,
Very hard to ride.
Every knight of high-born grade is,
All are loved by noble ladies;
But I felt more thrill
When the chieftain first in station,
In a bath of perspiration,
Rode him up the bill.
On the corslet of his vesture,
He with grand and knightly gesture
Struck a sturdy whack;
And his gauntlet in the motion
Of a troubadour's devotion
Waved a third-floor back.
While I stood, my pulses tingling,
And my great emotions mingling,
Lo! I heard one say-
Pointing with a ribald meaning-
('Gainst a lamp-post he was leaning),
"It's five bob a day."
To the caitiff thus profaning,
Lo I turned, a blow restraining,
But with awful frown -
"Ay !" he said; "old gent, BILL DABBITS,
(Him as goes about with rabbits),
Does it for a crown."








NOVEMBER 19, 1861,] jF JU N


THE ONION GIRL.
(AFTER TENNYSON'S "LADY OF SKALOTTE.")
PART I.
ON either side of Market-street
Small stalls of vegetables meet
Domestic eyes; and voices sweet
And voices hoarse their hearing greet
With cries of Buy my fine shalots !"
And up and down the million goes;
Gazing where, in varied rows,
Green stuff lies, and each nose knows
The odour of shalots.
Widows cheapen, urchins chatter,
Little vagrants make much clatter;
vulgar boys cry, Who's your hatter ?"
And this time, -the night of Satur-
Day's the joy of all the sots.
!Bright blue eyes, lips like the cherry,
Rosy cheeks, that ringlets bury,
Had an Irish girl, from Derry,
A girl who sold shalots !
To the market, peas and beans
Heavy lumbering machines
Bring thrice a week, also greens;
And 'tis prime fun to watch the scenes
At the bidding for the lots.
But who hath seen her'buy her stock
Of onions, .or white-headed broc-
Oli, before -four of the clock,
That girl who sells shalots ?
Only peelers, walking early
(One there is a great, big, burly
Fellow, who is always surly,
And wouldn't even let a cur lie
Down in shelter'd corner spots) ;
Or, by the dawn, some loose young city
Clerk, home reeling, hears the ditty
She oft sings- says, "'Tis that pretty
Girl who sells shallots I"
PART II.
(A change comes o'er the spirit of the 0. G.)
Now she flaunts by night or day,
In gorgeous dress and ribbons gay;
Conscience often whispers "NAY !"
But love of finery cries "yea."
Calling conscience "horrid rot !"
She knows not what the end may be,
And-so she hath a "jolly spree,"
Batilittle other care hath she-
That girl who sold shalot !
And now, before a mirror clear,
She learns each wily glance and leer ;
Then puts an earring in each ear,
And donning some fast, flashy gear,
Starts for some den that London blots.
There the vicious eddy whirls ;
And there is vice in gold and pearls;
And there are jewelled, wretched girls,
Who'd scorn.to sell shalots !
Sometimes a troop of swells-drunk-mad
(Who'd call a sober man a cad)-
Bring in a very verdant lad,
And teach him everything that's bad,
And stain his soul with cank'ring spots.
.And there she sits, with eyes so blue,
Loudly and lightly chatted to;
Oh! she was brighter, happier too,
When she cried, Fine shalots!"
For she must suffer many slights-
May never more know home's delights-
Can scarcely claim a woman's rights;
Must writhe beneath the scorn that blights
Such cheerless, weary, dreary lots;
And dies, at last, by some road-side;
Or, urged by sin's despairing pride,
She sinks beneath the murky tide-
That girl who sold shalots !


IN A FIX.
SCENE.-The T-atican. The PorE and, CARDINAL ANTONNuI.LI
studying the Conrention to see if th're is a(rw loophole 'wh rcly
they may be able to bolster up the Temporal Power.
10 N.-No, Cardinal, I don't see my way at all.
Th e oldest son of the church" has deserted us
at last.
CARD. A.-Well, your holiness, matters do
look bad ; but perhaps, after all, we may manage
to outwit these crowned fiends who seek thus to
subvert the temporal power. Who knows but
what they may quarrel among themselves ?
When thieves fall out, honest mon1 you are
aware, come by their own.
Pio N.-Yes, but they won't fall out, I'm
afraid; that's the worst of it. I wish we
hadn't been quite so hasty in excommunicating
that Sardinian runlian; we should have umalo
better terms with him then.
CARD. A.-Truo, holy father; but an old
S proverb says, "'Tis useless crying after spilt
milk," and so we must make the best of it, now.
Pro N.-Do you think our good son, FRANcIs Josieiir, will help
us ? The Concordat showed how much he valued us.
CARD. A.-I grant that, but I don't fancy hoe will set himself in
opposition to France. He learnt a lesson on that subjoot in '59.
Pro N.-Yes, but to defend the church from the despoiling hands
of robbers.
CARD. A.-Alas our chances from that quarter are, I fear, hopeless.
Pio N.-Well, what is to be done ?
CARD. A.-Corpo di Baccho! upon my word I don't know.
PIO N.-Cardinal, that language is extremely wrong, and as a pillar
of the church you ought to know better.
CARD. A.-Oh, bother, your holiness, there's no .one near to hear it.
But,revenons a nos mouton, can you think of a plan P
Pio N.-Don't be foolish. You know I was never good at thinking.
CARD. A. (aside).-The old fool, of course he isn't. (Aloud.) What
say you to trusting to the so-called King of Italy ? lie has promised
to protect you.
Pio N,.-Trust to him ? What are promises to a ruffian who has
already:robbed us of Umbria and the Marches ? Besides, look how he
served our faithful son of Naples ; whore is his kingdom now ?
CARD. A.-Gone, I fear, from him for ever. But then, you see,
FERDINAND was severe in his government, more so even than his pious
and lamented father, and without half his talent.
Pro N.-Severe Cardinal, you disgust mme. lie did but repress
the so-called enlightenment of the age with the measures proper for
the cure of such a hideous distortion.
CARD. A.-Yes; enlightenment and the church do not go well
together. Even the heretic Protestants have discovered that ; and
they, poor benighted wretches, have no index e.purgatorius wherewith
to answer troublesome disputants.
Pio N.-Yes ; but what if this same VICTOR ENMANUtRL should
not keep his promise, as in all probability he won't, when he finds it
his interest to break it, you know that's just the way we should act,
and should want to make Rome his capital, what, are we to do then ?
CARD. A.-Well, then, holy father, sad as will be the alternative,
we must put up with it and submit.
Pio N.-And about our army. Do you think we shall bo able to
maintain one ?
CARD. A.-Of some sort we must, or the stay of the Papal Court in
Rome will be of excessively short duration. The affection of our
Romans is of that peculiar character that prefers its object to be -
Pro N.-Well ?
CARD. A.-A long way off.
Pro N.-And after all I've done for them, the miscreants! It's
too bad.
CARD. A.-Bad it may be, still no more than the truth. So, you
see, there is no way but submission.
Pio N.-I fear not. Well, what must be must.
CARD. A.-Rather a fatalist doctrine, your holiness, but, depend
upon it, under the circumstances the wisest.

A RAP FOR THE RAPPERS.
PROFESson ANDERSON, while exposing the impositions of the
DAVENPORT BROTIERS, at St. James's Hall, on the first of this month,
gave the "spiritualists" some very Home-thrusts."
WILL SHORTLY APPEAR.-" BROTHER IGNATIUS; or, Monks
Amongst us."




F TJ N.-NOVEMBER 19, 1864.


BASS VERSUS LAWSON.








NOVEMBER 19, 1864.1


FI T N.


A WORD WITH JOHN BULL.


I ES, my dear MR. BULL, the
weather is cold-and you're
-- going for a pair of thick
gloves to keep your hands
: / from chaps. Yes, it is
-- wretched weather, and this
S fog and cold make life un-
bearable.
SYou're going to get some
'* Christmas presents for your
daughter's children. You're
W ',". .fond of children, eh ? Well,
then, I want to draw your
) attention to a family of
"'eight; at least, they were
-, X eight a little while ago, but
i _now can say, with mourn-
-- ful significance, "We are
\ seven."
This is the season of "Children's Books," but I extract this little
paragraph from no work of fiction, only from a daily paper:-
"Mn. HUMPHEFYS conducted an inquiry on Saturday into the death of a child
named Ei.IZA COrI.NSON, aged nine months, and, upon the evidence adduced, the
jury found a verdict that deceased died from the mortal effects of exhaustion
consequent on diarrboea, arising from want of nourishment, and from exposure.'
The little girl was one of a family of eight, the children of a labourer and his wife.
The place in which they existed was aback cellar, a bricked chamber underground,
beneath No. 14, Half Nichol-street, Bethnal-green."
The house," it is described, "is crowded with the most wretched
lodgers. In the top front room lived a family of five; the next room
is occupied by a single woman "-poor creature is hers the old "stitch,
stitch story, or the worse one of one more unfortunate," sin with-
out the tinsel here ?-" the floor beneath is tenanted by a family of
three persons; the front cellar is used as a workshop by a box-maker,
but his family do not sleep there." Mark this DrvES of the
LAzARusEs, MB. BULL He can't afford a better workshop than
this hole in the ground, but he can and does house his family better.
In the back cellar the labourer's family of eight persons dwell. The place is
about 6 feet 6 inches in height, 9 feet long, and 8 feet broad. The only furniture in
the place when the jury visited it was the frames of two chairs, the bottoms out and
the backs broken off. Across one of these a strip of board was nailed, and it served
the purpose of a table. The mother had obtained two-penny-worth of cane
shavings, of which, with some others contributed by the box-maker, they made a
bed on the ground-the only one they had. There were no blankets orbed-clothes."
There, MX BuLL! what do you think of luxury like that-of a child-
hood like that ? As you said a little while since, the weather is cold,
but I see you wear a great coat, and no doubt have plenty of bed-
clothes. However, to return to this family.
The man could not get work and the woman could not suckle the child who
died, because she was so starved herself. She fed it as she best could with arrow-
root and a little bread and milk. The milk obtained was about three-farthings'
worth a day, but not all at once."
Picture that, Mi. BULL Three whole farthings worth of milk,
but not all bought at once. But the story goes on :-
The child could not eat the bread. None of the family had any meat or beer
since they left the workhouse, but only a herring, some bread and butter, and tea.
All they had to subsist upon was 3s. 6d. a week, which one of the children earned,
ard sometimes pence which, the father got. The child died on Friday in a fright-
fully emaciated condition; it weighed only 61bs."
Fancy, if you please, ten people living on the earnings-of one poor
child! And the weather growing cold, and you and I thinking of
thick gloves, Mn. BULL, and Christmas presents, because we are so
fond of children.
Well, there is the workhouse, as you say, and the CoLnINSON
family had only a week or so come out of that abode of bliss, where
five of them had had the fever. I regret to add that at the end of the
report of the inquest I find this sentence-
The father refused to go into the workhouse again."
Why ? Because in that Black Hole the family ties are all broken up;
and, would you believe it, MR. BU.L, you who are fond of children,
there exists by these cold hearths heaven's own warmth of love.
When all does not go well with you on 'Change, Mu. BuLL, I think
it possible that you go home and scold MRs. B. and snub the chil-
dren. In this poor family the hard times make them cling the closer
together for mental comfort, as the cold makes them huddle for
physical warmth.
Love surviving such trials, MB. BULL, appears to me a very
affecting sight. I observe you are rubbing your eyes. I know how a
great man like you can lay by a present -not for Christmas only, but
for ever-for your children's children; but it is not in the shape of
new workhouses. (Signed) FUNs.


Red, White, and Mauve.
'TnE Woman in Mauve' is the title of a piece in which \ta. Sou iI'. N n'
appear er long."
THERE's a writer, and COLT.TN he's hight,
Whose talent's remarkably bright;
In palace or hovel
We've all read his novel,
And he calls it those lloman in White.
When a transpontine manager read
This wonderful novel, he said,
I scarcely, if ever,
Read a book half so clover;
But I'll bring out the Woman in Red."
Quoth SOTHERN, Though in Scotland I rove,
I'll beat the last couple, by JOVE !
I don't care a pin's head
For the White or the Red,
I'll soon play in the Wontman in Mauve."

A FEAR,
EXPRESSED IN R]IITaE.
A E.POnT is abroad that the M.P. for Liskeard will be opposed at the next
election."
SuRELY clever B. 0.
Isn't going to go
From the town of Liskeard, where they'd all miss him so.
The Liskcard folk must know
What credit they owe
To the fact that their member is clover B. 0.
And they'd not be so slow,
To the clever B. 0.,
Such ingratitude fearful, as ever to show.
Surely clever B. 0.,
Gallant friend and brave foe,
CHAnLEB BULLEn'S Liskeard never over will throw ?

A DIPLOMATIC STROKE.
A CONGoEss of Irish M.P.'s is talked about. "Bodad, sorr!"
They'd better engage a few surgeons and lay in an acre or two of
plaster. Fancy the various M.P.'s trailing their various theoretical
coat-tails before the very eyes of their compatriots. We should be
inclined to think there would be a good stroke of business done, or, as
the reporters of the markets would say, "Oak saplings a rise in.
Twigs brisk. Irish inclined to fall. Claret in demand. Elbow-twists
active."
Railway Intelligence.
A CONTEMPOlARY quotes from a Canadian paper a little statement
which must make our railway directors vicious with envy :
They tell of a New Jersey railroad which kills its man daily."
We can't touch that yet-at least, even the Eastern Counties found
it didn't pay at that rate. In fact, the authorities on the management
of railways here are at a loss to understand how the American lino
could kill a man a day, and yet not slay its profits, and suffer the
natural consequences.

The Rumoured Dissolution.
THRxRE was a pretty to-do among the Tories a little while since.
They fancied they had discovered that PAM was about to steal a
march upon them by dissolving Parliament at once. Poor deluded
Tories There were two reasons why such should not be the case.
That PAx would net condescend"-well, not exactly that. But if
PAM had meant to play the trick, first of all he would not have let
himself be caught at it, and in the second place they were not the
people to catch him.

Good News for Greenwich.
THE order has gone forth that the Greenwich pensioners may
marry We shall see the old boys practising the arts of their youtl-,
trying how they can "splice." Well, there's many an old man-of-w.'
in the Hospital that won't be the worse for a tender," and that w'
look after his "consort" with great bravery. We wish the gan:.;.,.
veterans all prosperity in their return to marry-time pursuits I

A CHALLENGE TO PnorESsOB ANDzEsoN.-To take Newark out
of .Notts.









98 FUN.


[NOVEMBE 19, 1864.


The Opening of Southwark Bridge.

TEN there has been a talk of Southwark-
bridge being opened free of charge.
Now no more shall surly toll-takers de-
mand coppers from the unwary pas-
senger, who by chance having strolled
into Thames-street, and discovered
that a bridge was in existence in
that locality, had been tempted
rashly to expend his hard-earned cash
in crossing it. As for ourselves, knowing most things and under-
standing all about the rest, we have long been aware of its existence,
although as we also knew that the neighbourhood to which it led
was famous for nothing in particular, and not much of that either,
we have never ventured to brave its dangers. But when we heard
that it was going to be opened free of charge for six months, we at
once recognized the high importance of the civic boon, and determined
to be present at the ceremony.
Laying aside our official character of ustdos morum and purveyor of
wit and wisdom to the English nation in particular and the whole
world in general, we mingled with the crowd (consisting of two small
boys and a surly mechanic when we arrived, but it afterwards
increased to at least ten persons, counting the toll-keepers), and
awaited in silence the advent of the authorities appointed to perform
the imposing task. At last a mighty cry from the assembled multi-
tude, which might have been heard about one hundred yards off, pro-
claimed the approach of the civic dignitaries. As, however, various
accounts of the procession have appeared-all of them, however,
differing from what it was in reality-we shall, to avoid confusion, give
our own version, which was as follows:-
Two blind fiddlers and deaf fifer, playing an opening chores.
The Loan MAYOR and the LIAt MAYORESS, in their state carriage.
(N.B.-A sad expression pervaded his lordship's countenance, evidently
from the fact of the knowledge that the close of his civic reign was fast
approaching, and the calf of one of the tall footmen hanging on behind was
palpably awry, thus denoting that he was aware of the above-mentioned
circumstance, and was careless accordingly.)
The inimitable MACKNEY and the REv. C. H. SPUGen ox, arm in arm, by the
kind permission of their respective proprietors, for this occasion only.
Toot TAYLOR, ESQ., with a ticket-of-leave.
DR. CuMMrisa reciting "To bee or not to bee."
The German Legal Protection Society, looking for somebody to protect, and
smoking long pipes. (N.B.-This portion of the procession was almost
invisible, owing to the clouds in which they were enveloped.)
DIoc BouciCAULT, ESQ., meditating a new drama, tobecalled the Bridges
of the Metropolis, as a companion piece to the Streets of London.
The Common Council, looking commoner than ever.
The Jurymen in new liveries.
The Aldermen who had passed the chair, and found it uncomfortable.
The Aldermen who hadn't passed, but hoped to some day.
The Perfect Cure, proceeding in a Steady manner.
The Practitioners in the Bankruptcy Court, having a quiet fight among
themselves, and enjoying the diversion immensely.
CARnDIxAL WISEMAN, singing "The Pope he leads a happy life," followed by
The Bench of Bishops, standing on forms, and sounding their
own trumpets.
This was the procession, and having arrived at the Surrey side, the
members of it evidently concluded they had done enough for their
country, and proceeded to return, which they did in the same order,
though we remarked that the Perfect Cure appeared among the
bishops, and was most probably putting their lordships up to some
dodge by which their bte noir, COLENSO, might be vanquished, at
which we rejoiced, and were only sorry that he hadn't done it before.
Long ere the procession returned, the crowd, now increased to at least
twenty persons, had in the most gallant manner forced the passage of
the bridge, and Southwark was at last free.

"Not a Wild Goose, Chase."
FrN, being himself a graduate of Oxford, hereby takes off his
n-'demical cap to PRINCIPAL CHASE, of Skimmery, and thanks him
1,1 the name of many young men for the opportunity he affords those
messingg limited means, of obtaining a university education. On
I' '1 of the University, he thanks him for removing one of the old
Refuges-not for the destitute-but the dissolute, the dilatory, and
the disreputable.

War is going head-over-heels like the second sowing of peas?-
Because it is summer-setting.


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OU OWN MOUCHAED.
SMITH.-What a brilliant reception M. BEEnYEr has had from the
English Bar.
Baowg.-And quite right too; as a thoroughly honest lawyer he
deserved it.
SMITH.-Yes; if only from its rarity.
BxowN.-Hush, don't be scandalous; the law of libel is still in
force. Besides, barristers, you know, are not always lawyers.
SMITH.-That's perfectly true; or we should not so often hear such
queer legal dogmas enunciated in our law courts.
BxowN.-Neat thing, the capture of the Florida.
SMITH.-Oh, very. Another instance of Yankee 'cuteness, I take it.
BEowN.-If by 'cuteness you mean breach of faith, particularly so.
SMITH.-Well, according to Yankee notions, the terms are often
synonymous, and in this case especially.
BaowN.-I wonder what the Brazilians intend doing ?
SMITH.-They'll follow the advice of LONGFELLOW, and suffer and
be strong-with this difference, that the crew of the Florida will do the
suffering, and the Yankees will do the strength.
BEowN.-Did you see the Lord Mayor's Show last week ?
SMITH.-Not all of it. Only a portion.
BfowN.-What portion was that-the men in armour ?
SMITH.-No; nor yet the carriages, nor the sheriffs, nor the sword-
bearer, nor the banners.
BnowN.-What was it then ?
SMITH.-Well, I had a private view of-
BnowN.-What, the show ?
SMITH.-No; one of the flunkey's drinking a pint of beer in Moor-
gate-street, out of the pewter, at 10 a.m.; and what's more, he seemed
to enjoy it amazingly.
BROWN.-You astonish me. I couldn't have believed such great
creatures could be guilty of human weakness.
SMITH.-Well, it astonished me too; but then, haumanum est bibere;
and after all, flunkeys are but men.
BEowNS.-True; I never thought of that.

SLIGHTLY UNDIGNIFIED.
WE hear a great deal now-a-days of the dignity of literature; but
for a quiet bit of undignified whining compiend us to the following
morceau, which appeared at the end of a report of the BEREYEB
banquet in one of our daily papers:-
"We feel obliged to call the attention of the Benchers to the gross impertinence
of a flunkey attached to the establishment, named BYE, whose insolence aod
stupidity occasioned considerable annoyance not only to the representatives of the
press, but to every one with whom he came in contact. The policemen stationed
at the door materially aided in creating general confusion, and in preventing every-
body else from attending to their duty."
Now, really, we are not squeamish, but such an exhibition of petty
spite against an ill-mannered footman does not often figure in the
columns of our journals, and what's more, we hope it won't again.
Surely the gentleman who was thus inconvenienced by the insolent
BYE might have complained to the Benchers themselves, and not have
pilloried the offender in a paper which boasts the most extensive cir-
culation in the world." At any rate, such a course would have been
more dignified than the one adopted of acquainting the public with a
private grievance; not that we fancy the public cared much about the
disclosure, however annoying it may have been to the reporter; and
the announcement seems to be more fitted for the Mudborough Gazette,
or the Little Pedlington Chronicle, than a daily journal which numbers
its readers, we might almost say, by millions.

TOM BROWN AT PALL MALL.
A CONTEMPORARY contains the following rather surprising bit of
information:
Ma. Huyncs, the author of' Tom Brown,' is to receive the post of Reviser of
Military Regulations, in the gift of LORD DE GREY."
Is then the result of all our Competitive Examinations only this ?
Does the Civil Service Commission effect nothing better than this ?
Is this the upshot of the reform in Government offices ? We fear so.
From the specimens which issue from the various departments we
should imagine the War Office was not the only Government office
where the revising powers of some one who can write English are.
required,

NEW SONG FOR THE WOOLWICH CADETS.-Row, brothers, row.
REAL NAVAL REsEava.-The way the Admiralty shirk all investi-
gation into their administration.








NOVEMBER 19, 18sG4. F TJ N 99


THE MISERIES OF THE FIRST NIGHT OF A
NEW DRAMA.
BY ONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THEM;
UGUSTUS DASHITOFF, EsQ., author of
the new sensation drama, Buccaneer Ben-
A jamin; or, the Angel of the Atlantic," dis-
covered in a stage box of the Terrible Tragedy
Theatre. On the rising of the curtain, and
during the performance, he prologizeth:-
How very thin the boxes look,
By old habitues forsook;
Although 'tis almost threadbare wit,
They're over-crowded in the pit.
l [Here the overture commences.
Confusion seize that vile bassoon !
The wretched fiddle's out of tune;
I wish the ophicleide were dumb,
The drummer buried in his drum,
I would the clarionet were mute,
Hushed be that tootle-tooing flute,
And that old man who scrapes the while,
Sepulchred in his bass-viol.
The house is certainly not crammed,
And my new drama will be damned !"
[The curtain rises ; smugglers discovered carousing.
Hurrah that overture is past,
The curtain rolleth up at last!
[The author starteth at beholding the costume of the Buccaneer and
his crew.]
But who is he so vilely drest
In peasant's hat and scarlet vest,
While 'stead of "pass in danger tried,"
A court sword hangeth by his side ?
O'er his vile "properties" I mourn :
Two pistols should his belt adorn;
A slouching hat, with blood-red plume,
Should cloud his face in death-like gloom;
His scarlet vest embroidered fair,
The emblems of his trade should wear;
There should be traced in snowy white,
Upon a field as black as night,
Th' heraldic signs each pirate owns,
The death's-head proper" and "cross-bones."
And then the crew Oh, heaven! they look
More fit to handle past'ral crook
'Mong gamb'lling sheep in em'rald glade
Than the eusanguined pirate's blade.
Costumier, if once I mote
But catch thee, villain, by the throat,
I'd tear thy hair out by the roots--
You've given my pirates russet boots!
[The author continues to grumble quietly until the fifth scene of the
first act, when he gives his feelings vent.]
By stretch of courtesy, I ween,
I'm asked to call that the set scene,
Whilst drest like Amazonian queen,
That lady is my heroine.
They call that thing a quarter-deck-
Those bits of floating things a wreck.
There's not one actor, I'll engage,
Or actress on this wretched stage,
But speaketh lines that I ne'er wrote;
Heaven grant they may stick in their throat.
And since my words they've failed to learn,
Actor and actress gag" in turn.
[A. D. continues to grumble till the commencement of the last scene, Act
V., when the audience applaud faintly, and he thus communeth with
himself.]
Some good is mixed with evil hap;
I thought I heard a faint low clap.
Although the piece is rather long,
I've tried to put it hot and strong."
The pirate late on mischief bent,
His crew on murd'rous thoughts intent,
Their roving life at last give o'er,
And settle quietly on shore.
[Louder clapping.


Those fellows now are working well,
A few claquers must always tell.
[Here the drop scene falls amid loud cries of "Author !" "Author.'"
The crisis, thank the stars I is past,
And my reward is come at last.
[A. D. bows to Boxes, Pit, and Gallery.
The author faintly cries, All right "
And then, in sentences as trite,
As the "foolosophy" of TUPPER
Says, "I must stand a champagne supper."


A FABLE.
(THE MORAL WILL BE POINTED BY FUTURITY.)
THE Bear and the Eagle have met-
Have met; and shook hands like two friends.
What they've settled 's not evident yet,
But we all can guess whither it tends.
For when Eagles and Bears are at one,
This significant moral it proves:
That whatever there is to be done,
Won't be liked by the lambs and the doves.
So the lambs and the doves must look out,
Just to see what they're likely to get;
For of one fact there can't be a doubt,
That the Bear and the Eagle have met I
But of comfort the doves and the lambs
This crumb-'tis a small one-may keep,
That in spite of all barns, crams, and shams,
There is a great Lion asleep I
True, some monkeys have recently got
On his back while he slept, to cut capers;
Tied his tail in a true-lover's knot
And have put his long mane into papers.
By-and-by, when he wakes they will quail,
And betake them to flight-and with cause;
Whate'er's happened to mane or to tail,
They have not touched his teeth or his claws.
So, though a strange figure he cut-
Listen, apes, for your fate is here written-
Laugh your fill at his oddity-but
There'll be some of you terribly bitten:
E'en the Eagle and Bear, though they glut
Upon war, by his strength may be smitten I

THE SENSATIONAL ARCHBISHOP.
A TRIFLE JOR THOMPSON
ARCHBsHnoP T.,
I candidly agree
With much that you advance upon this matter-
Should like to shatter
The morbid dreams that novelists (who oft are
Of that same sex we sometimes call the softer)
Delight to weave of crime, and sin, and shame,
To get a name
By works that don't profess to have an aim;
More blame
To those who dare to write them, for that same.
But then, oh, T.,
It really seems to me
That your whole speech is hardly in good keeping,
And far too sweeping.
For why should you conceive,
Think or believe,
Our eyes can e'er grow dry by too much weeping;
Or that our feelings-Heaven's own infusing-
Run risk of wearing out by too much using ?
N.B.
Come, come, AncHuisnor T.,
Don't you twixtxt you and me,
Not to waste time in elegance of diction)
Think parsons should not be too hard on fiction!

THE ONLY PUZZLER FOR PROFESSOu ANDEBSON.-A
" bound in honour."


person








100 FU N. LNOVEMBER 19, 1864t


COLUMBIA'S BLOT OF FRATRICIDE.
Columbia, as Lady Macbeth:-" OUT, DAM'D SPOT! OUT, I SAY! HERE'S THE
SMELL OF BLOOD STILL I"


A General Inspection.
ALL our arsenals and dockyards have lately been undergoing a
general inspection-the inspection of GENERAL TODLEBEN. This
officer is indeed a fortunate man. He built earthworks for the defence
of Sebastopol because there was nothing else to be done; and he has
earned a reputation for his choice of that mode of defence. He wrote
a history of the Crimean war to prove that the Russians were not
beaten at all, or at all events not beaten by the English, the one fact
being as true as the other. And the Times has done its dirtiest to
confer immortality on the book, that it may thereby undermine the
writings of KINOLAKE, with whom they quarrel not because his view
is a partizan view, but because he exposed the very little game of
Printing-iHouse-square. Still GENERAL TODLEBEN has the average
qualifications of an artillery or engineer officer, and it is a question


THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW.
WHAT WAS THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW
LIKE ?
RUNNING and crushing,
And shoving and pushing,
And howling and swearing,
With mode overbearing,
With stealing of lockets,
With picking of pockets,
With striking and felling,
With screamiBg and yelling.
Knights, too, to tickle us
(Armour ridiculous),
Drunken the speech of 'em,
Half-a-crown each of 'em,
Each of 'em porter a pot.
Deputies riding,
In anguish bestriding
Poor broken-kneed coster horse;
Fogies preposterous!
Great was the scoff of 'em,
Pounds to get off of 'em
They'd have unpocketed,
Arms quite unsocketed,
Bodies be-pommelled
By pommels that some held.
Terrible sword-bearer;
Close to the Lord Mayor a
Civic Remembrancer
(Rhyming to REMBRANDT, sir);
Sons then of MARS you saw,
Thirteenth Hussars you saw,
Very contemptuous
Looked all of them to us
As they rode by at a trot.
Cannons all firing,
Lord Mayor retiring,
Glad to get out of it,
There's little doubt of it
(Spent, no doubt, some pennies).
Then Civic Companies,
Each with a banner
Emblazoned in manner
Which surely absurd is.
Then PUNCH, hurdy-gurdies,
And soot-smothered niggers,
Ridiculous figures,
And gun-firing monkies
(Proprietor drunk is);
Officers, cavalry, .
Scorning the rabalry,
Longing for mess-table.
Crowd then detestable-
Running and crushing,
And shoving and pushing,
And howling and swearing,
In mode overbearing,
Not caring for bunions a jot;
And that's what the LORD MAYOR'S SHOW
was like.

THE NEATEST THING IN CRINOLINES.
-A lady's foot.


for England in how far by the influence of his private friendship with
persons connected with a powerful, but far from reputable journal, he
should be allowed to spy into our defences, or, what is the same, the
nakedness of the land.

A PRESIDENT'S PRESENT.
THE President of Paraguay has sent two thousand pounds of tea
as a -testimony of his regard to the gallant Prussians who stormed
(from a safe distance with shell) the city of Duppel. Is this a sly
hint that the brave fellows can easily make a brew of the gift with the
hot water which they got into with civilized nations for this exploit ?
Why did not he send them some native product ? As a correspondent
justly observes, the President of Paraguay ought to have sent them
paregoric.


i t:1 by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 19, 1884.








NovEmETrs 26. 1834.1 F U N.


`1.I, H !_:______ I


THE IDDEN A:ND.


FASHIONABLE ARRIVAL.
OH who do you think has to Liverpool come--
To Liverpool come-to Liverpool come ?
But GENERAL THUMB and MRn. THUMB,
And that infantile THUMB, the baby!
They intend to journey to London town-
To London town-to London town,
Where somewhere for money they'll all be shown
To many a gaping baby.
Like conquering heroes with trump and drum-
With trump and drum-with trump and drum,
Come GENERAL THUMB and Mas. THUMB,
And the child with its tiny features.
But I don't think it proper, twixtt you and me-
'Twixt you and me-'twixt you and me,
For London to squeeze and to gather to see
The poor little stunted creatures.

PROFESSOR BLACKIE AGAIN.
THE worthy professor's eccentricity has reached another stage-the
dramatic. He stated at the Edinburgh Working Men's soiree that
he "had long wished to get up a theatre in his own house, but the
salaries of Scotch professors are so small that he could not afford a
house large enough for the purpose." Bless his heart, why does not
he go on the stage then ? He would get an ample salary no doubt,
for his well-known power of making people laugh at him would
render him an ornament of farce. He should make a first appearance
as DOMINIE SAMSON, when his success would be "pro-digious !"

A FOUL JOKE.
WHY is HARRY like the place where chickens roost ?-Because
he's a Hen-nery.


OMITTED FROM THE BOOK OF NONSENSE.
11v N, rnoTy.
THERE was a young fellar from Dover,
Who felt very queer all over ;
So, took cod-liver ile,
Which all turned to bile,
And jaundiced this fellar from Dover.
There was an old boatman of Denal
Who swallowed a live conger-eel,
Which twisting and twirling,
And wriggling and curling,
Collapsed this old boatman of Deal.
There was a young man of Cadogan
Who slept, one cold night, the hearth-rug on;
But a coal from the grate
Shot out on his pate,
And awoke this young man of Cadogan.
There was an old man at Southampton,
Who oft had his poor bunions stamped on,
So he cut off his legs,
Bought a hand-cart and pegs,
And wheeled Jis own trunk round Southampton.
There was an old mand'rin of Canton,
Who bought a two-barrelled JOE MANTON,
But the effects of percussion,
When shooting a Russian,
Prostrated this mand'rin of Canton.
There was an old grandee of Spain,
Who walked out one day in the rain,
When a vicious young fellar
Stole his blue silk umbrella,
And annoyed this old grandee of Spain.
There was a young gunsmith of Bristol,
Who swallowed a horrid horse-pistol;
But his uncle prophetic
Gave him an emetic,
And sick-cured this young gunsmith of Bristol.
There was ayoungman from the Peak,
Who went up to town for a week;
But he got "on the spree,"
And the Beaks said to he,
"You must pay, or do crank' for your freak."
There was a young man at the Craven Arms' Station,
Who did not admire that remote situation,
So to Shrewsbury went,
To eat cakes and drink tent,
And for ever left Craven Arms' Station.
There was an old beggar of Thame,
Who usually walk'd very lame;
But when chased by a peeler,
Outran a four-wheeler,
This artful old beggar of Thame.
There was a young farmer of Marston,
Who'd a horse that he rode very fast on,
Which one day being playful,
Pitched into a drayful
Of barrels, this farmer of Marston.
There once was an emp'ror called NAP,
A cunning, unscrupulous chap ;
But his conscience, FUN fears
(From all that it hears),
Was ne'er worth a sous or a rap.
There is just now a monk called IGNATIUS,
Whose grammar is very vivacious,
Who in learning to spell,
Into such errors fell,
That his ortho-is graphy fallacious.

AN ARMLESSS JOKE.
A PARISIAN contemporary states as follows:-
"Two pictures just finished by FEIun, the armless painter (who pencils with his
toes), are very highly spoken of here."
Of course they are highly spoken of. Considering the disadvantages
the artist labours under, it would not be FEHR to speak of them other-
wise.


VOL. YII. K










102 F U N [NOVEMBER 2G, 1864.


There's no Reason Why People should Die!

NE morning, just after my
luncheon,
I fell asleep over the Times,
When I saw a most wonderful
vision,
Which I'll try and describe in
these rhymes.
A spectre appeared to your servant,
Of bearing commanding and
high,
And he uttered this marvellous
dictum,
l l "There's no reason why people
should die.

S. The fields known as Elysian are

With myriads of earthly-born
shades,
--- And each year fresh acres are
turned up
S By the grave-diggers' shovels and
S spades.
^ -- ---a SJust take up the Star or the Stan-
dard,
And o'er the back page cast your eye,
And tell me, is there any reason
Why you, puny mortal, should die ?
"Don't you see there," continued the spectre,
The columns of medical ads. ?
And a cure for each ill flesh is heir to,'
Let that flesh be a count's or a cad's ?
Just read of the pills and the balsams,
Which all are invited to try,
Then tell me, how is it that mortals
Who are blest with such medicines die*?
"Do they suffer from gnut or rheumatics ?
There's the remedy SWaLLOWAT'S pills.'
Are their lungs predisposed to consumption ?
For them is the 'Essence of squills.'
Are philosophers plagued with the toothache ?
Lo a chemist doth vaunt his 'Dentine;'
And a drug with a terrible Greek name
Is advertised, Good for the spleen.'
"Is a mortal afflicted with blindness ?
For him an advertisement shines,
In the column just over the leader,
In leaded and capital lines
And the terrible pangs of dyspepsia,
No Englishman need to endure,
For the' Compound of herbs oriental'
Will ensure him a radical cure.
If the liver's the least out of order,
They may try a Taraxacum pill;
If they swallow a dose of the 'Real all,'
Mon really need never be ill.
But if, from neglect of this medicine,
They find themselves laid at Death's door,
Then Pharmacy Homnopathio
Will make them more hale than before.
Ts an infant tormented with teething ?
For him is a much-lauded draught,
Which will bring through incisors and molars,
The identical instant 'tis quaffed.
Are a man's gums, from age or affliction,
Despoiled of each dearly loved tooth ?
He'll have, if he uses molarine,
A much better set than in youth.
Is a man, by some accident frightful,
Deprived of an arm or a leg,
So that, unfit for any employment,
Ite's forced, though reluctant, to beg ?
The much be-puffed S WALLOWAY'S ointment'
Directly appealeth to him;
He has only to use it, when voila
The cripple receives a now limb.


"There are Voltaic' cures and 'Galvanic'
For every disease of the spine;
For derangement of organs digestive,
There's the patented Stomachic wine.'
There's a remedy for each disorder,"
And the spectre exclaimed with a sigh,
How is it that folks are so stupid
As to laugh at this physic and die ?
Then do you in that excellent paper-
The most widely read under the sun-
Preserve my remarks from oblivion,
And let the world have them-in FUN.
And tell all your numerous readers
(Here I thought that the shade winked his eye),
That blest with these wonderful medicines,
I wonder that people can die."
Hey! what! Why I've really been dreaming,
And the spectre has vanished, alas I
I suspect he was raised by the luncheon,
And the twice emptied bottle of BASs.
But though unbelievers may titter,
And the truth of my vision deny,
'Tis a wonder how, blest with such medicines,
So many poor mortals can die.

A MIDDY'S MISDEEDS.
LORD ALFRED CLINTON has been dismissed the service-not,
perhaps, for a serious offence, but for a repetition of an offence for which
midshipmen not being lords have been heavily punished. We are not
going to plead for him, but to draw attention to a fact adduced in his
evidence which it is to the interests of society to investigate. LoRD
CLINTON swears, and his cabman clearly corroborates him, that he
delivered and paid for a telegram, which was to be sent to his ship,
at the Charing-cross Telegraph Office. This telegram never arrived
and has never been heard of since, and the explanation, or rather
defence of the clerk, was lame to a degree. Now we all know that in
a matter of urgency it is better to trust the slower sureness of the
ordinary post than the dilatory diligence of the telegraph. We see
the boys loitering in the streets, and we never send off a message
without being warned that the company cannot pretend to say when
it will be delivered. It is high time that this state of things even
should be examined into, but when telegrams disappear altogether,
the matter grows more serious. What is to be done ? Must we call
on Government to take the business in hand or legislate for it, or
must private enterprise start a competition and crush a monopoly
more obstructive and idle than the most red-tapish of our Government
offices ?

MONETARY MISDEEDS.
THE latest accounts from the money market show the desirability
of stationing strong bodies of police in that locality. Money has been
reported to have been continually tight for the last three weeks. If
this state of things continues much longer, money will be depressed
by "blue devils," or in other words, as the Latin poet has observed-
"Mutato nominee, D. T.
Fabula narratur."

A Queer Fish.
THE oyster is indeed a queer fish. Ask MR. FRANK BUCKLAND
if he isn't. We have long heard of the oyster in love, but it is for the
last few weeks and the Berlin papers to teach us that there is such a
thing as the oyster on the Spree. But a fact it is that the delicious
bivalve is to be found in that Prussian stream!

A MIDNIGHT DITTY.
IT is the soothing midnight hour,
The silver moon's on high;
And silence reigns with solemn power
O'er sleeping earth and sky.
No sound to break the stillness dares,
So deep the magic spell;
Save somebody who snores up-stairs,
But who 1 cannot tell.
And hark! a step my words confutes-
A gentle footstep sounds;
Oh, yes, 'tis my policeman's boots,
A-going of his rounds!







F' UJ ]N.-NOVEMBER 26, 1864.


PERFECTLY HONOURABLE AND SATISFACTORY.
Extract from Speech of the EMPEROR OF AUSTIA, at the Opening of the Reichsrath:-" A subject of dispute for
many years in the North of Germany, has just been settled in the most honourable manner. The high value of the unanimity
between myself and my august Federal ally, the KING or PRUSSIA, has again been proved by memorable results."








NOVEMBER 26, 1864.] F N 107


THE HANGMAN'S SHOW.
Nov. 14, 1864.
ON a morning dim and dreary,
As the drizzling rain does fall,
Sullen, wet, impatient, weary,
Stands a mob by Newgate wall,
Here they've waited since the small hours,
Ere comes out the gibbet tall!
There's no end of pocket-picking,
Baked potatoes, songs, and strife ;
Here are ruffians crowding thick in,
To see one lose his life ;
See! around yon blackened gibbet
Every evil passion rife
There's a gin-bemuddled mother,
With a child upreared on high;
There a sister and a brother
Are jostling inwards nigh;
While DUNDREARYS at yon window
Sit with eye-glass in their eye.
See fainting women praying
For air 'midst all this din;
Hear ruffians low-browed saying,
Why don't the sport begin ? "
While all seems ruffian ribaldry,
Theft, violence, and sin !
As the stroke of "four!" is pealing,
Look round and you will see
The thieves leave off their stealing,
To spend the s. d.
They have stolen, in a pothouse
Near this CALCRAFT'S Jubilee!
Yells, groans, and wild commotion,
And the crowd sways to and fro
Like the heaving waves of ocean
When the storm-winds bleakly blow.
Hark the bell is hoarsely tolling
A murderer's death-knell slow.
"Hats off! "-he stands before them,
'Neath the gallows black and grim ;
Will one saving thought come o'er them;
From the agonies of him ?
No; they came for pleasure only,
They will gratify a whim.
But that shoal of upturned faces
That around that gallows stood,
That one meets at fights and races,
That were yearning for the blood
Of a pallid German tailor,
Are a Christian" multitude!
See at last the sun gleams brightly
On Newgate's grimy wall,
Gilding e'en yon sight unsightly,
The blackened gallows tall,
Where their felon-hero's standing
On the drop before them all !
"Wake up, CALCRAFT do your duty "
Shouts some wretch in boisterous fun;
"Sure the job would better suit me,
And the work be cheaper done "
To stop murder let's choke MULLER
In the sight of heaven's sun.
'Midst wild rushing, thefts, "cat-calling,"
Round that blackened gibbet tall,
See the drop at last is falling-
Here's a sight for great and small!
See our brother's corpse is swinging,
Convulsed, before us all.
And now the sport doth finish,
With many a gibe and grin;
The crowd will soon diminish,
Seeking matutinal gin ;
While that ghastly figure's swaying
'Neath yon beam to purge his sin.


But this scene to few is novel;
Every scragging's" much the same;
Some to-night in squalid hovel,
As they breathe that felon's name,
Will ignore the hangman's lesson,
In a hearty I.' died game!"


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHEi AT THE PUBS.
THE confession of MULLER, that he and lie alone committed the
murder on the North London line, clears up the great mystery of
nearly half a year. Society is certainly a gainer by the confession,
for the doubt and hesitation left in many minds after the trial could
not but have weakened the power of the law in the eyes of the public.
MULLER was an extraordinary criminal-unaccountably foolish in the
manner in which he treasured up evidence against himself-surpass-
ingly clever in the perfect acting of innocence which persuaded even
experienced persons of his guiltlessness. The ingenuity of some
portion of the defence is evident now ; it is a wonder it was so good
with such a case. There are, by the way, some strange, unexplained
things in the German Society's memorial; for instance, the dog in-
cident described by MULLER. One is inclined to ask whether the
exertions of this society, which we were inclined ta think well of as
actuated by a kindly spirit and humane zeal, may not be attributed to
a less laudable spirit. In its relation to the great question of the
propriety of capital punishment this case affords some grounds for
reflection. Had MULLER died mute, and had the society been able
to substantiate (as is quite possible) some of the facts in their me-
morial, I consider it more than likely that the abolition of thi
punishment of death would have been brought some steps nearer. It
is a more serious reflection to ask how far the combined influences of
terror of death and clinging to life have sent this wretched soul out of
the world unprepared. The words reluctantly wrung from him as the
bolt was being drawn are far from conclusive evidence of repentance.
The spectacle was, of course, as hideous and revolting as ever. 1
mean as far as the mob is concerned. I don't wish the advocates of
capital punishment anything worse than a few hours in an Old Bailey
crowd on the morning of a hanging. They would soon learn how
much improvement is derived from the groat moral lesson.
THE DAVENPORTS, having been pretty effectually shown up, nreo
dropping out of notoriety, and appear likely to be a worse speculation
than auditoria near all the parks. I have been lately discussing their
merits, or rather demerits, with a very hard-headed scientific man,
who had watched the proceedings as closely as the attentions of
MEssRs. FAY and FERGUSON would allow him, and he pointed out a
great many vulnerable points of the harness of the donkeys.
ACHBISHOPr THOMPSON has brought a considerable amount of
adverse criticism about his ears by his denunciation of sensation
literature. Now in the main be was right-sensation literature
being injurious to reader and writer alike. It spoils style, ruins taqte,
and makes people bolt their books instead of digesting them healthily.
The ladies, of course, are the worst at this sort of thing ; they always
in art and literature say and do things that a man would not dare to
do. One consolation is that, as a rule, they have no style to spoil, and
there is so little in their books that if you bolt them it is only like
bolting puff paste. The archbishop should have pulled up in the
middle of his harangue, and lie would have said something to the
purpose. But it is a comfort to know that sensation literature must
erelong die a natural death. Murder, inculpation of the innocent,
bigamy, and a detective, are only susceptible of a certain number of
combinations and permutations. .

WE'RE A BAND OF BROTHERS.
DEDICATED TO THE PROTESTANT MONK.
BROTnER IGNATIUF will shortly return to'Norwich. The brothers are reduced
to four in number."- Vide Papers.
BROTHER IGNATIUS,
If this is veracious,
Your sad monk-ey tricks it uncommonly smothers
If you cannot find more
Than a poor three or four
Bigger fools than yourself to be Protestant-Brothers.
Your scheme is inanity,
Dashed with insanity,
Your behaviour (and that of your monks) reprehensible.
Your course to define,
You have set up a Lyne
Of conduct which sane people think indefensible.








FUN.


[NOVEMBER 26, 1864.


OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT AND THE DAVENPORT
BROTHERS.
SEAR FUN,-I attended on Friday,
S,-1~~~at. the llth instant, a stance held by
| 2- '& tj the DAVENPORT BROTHEns, at
l' the Hanover-square Rooms, and
in compliance with your instruc-
S tions I am going to give you an
11' account of what I saw, heard, and
S. felt on that occasion.
I On entering the room in which
'.I I the stance was held, your corres-
pondent was much struck with
the remarkable resemblance that
S'. / existed between the fifteen or
S twenty people who had already as-
"- sembled. They were all gaunt and
angular, with very large bony noses
and hollow cheeks. They conversed in mysterious whispers, and when
your correspondent coughed they turned round and looked at him
reproachfully, just as the congregation at church do when he drops his
prayer-book. The majority, if not all, of these were, as your corres-
pondent subsequently discovered, believers, and it appears that a
certain section of spiritualists attend every seance held by the
DAVENPORT BROTHEBS, from motives analogous to those which induce
the still un-humbugged portion of society to go once a week to church.
The sceptics dropped in later, and as your own correspondent dis-
covered among these latter several cheerful friends who were disposed
to take a lively view of the proceedings in general, he passed an ex-
ceedingly pleasant evening.
As soon as five-and-thirty people had assembled, a tall, bony gentle-
man, who did not say he was not PRESIDENT LINCOLN, and who looked
extremely like that functionary, came forward and announced that the
seance would begin. After a few rambling remarks, which were in-
tended to prove that the fact that the proceedings would take place in
total darkness was strong evidence that no trickery was employed, but
which failed to convey that impression to your correspondent's mind,
he led forward two low-spirited young men, who looked as though
everything had gone wrong with them all their lives, and invited any
two gentlemen in the audience to come forward and act as a committee
of investigation, and in that capacity bind the low-spirited young
men to certain seats inside a large cabinet. After a pause a tall gen-
tleman rose and made the following remarkable speech :-
Ladies and Gentlemen,-I wish to bring under your notice the
qualification possessed by the gentleman on my right, whom I now
propose as a member of the committee. When I tell you that he is
the hardest rider across country that I know, I think you will be
satisfied that a better man could not be selected."
This convincing argument settled the matter, and the gentleman
who rode across country was elected to the post. Another gentleman,
who looked good-humoured, also came forward, and the proceedings
commenced in earnest.
The hard-rider and the good-humoured gentleman began operations
by binding the hands of the brothers with a short rope as thick as
your correspondent's little finger, and three or four feet long. The
ends of this rope they passed through certain holes in the seats on
which the brothers sat, and then attached the ends to another rope of
the same description, with which they bound the low-spirited young
men's feet. The cabinet, which closed with three doors, was shut, and
in about a minute a hand appeared at a diamond-shaped aperture in
the central door. The hand appeared two or three times, and on one
occasion was thrust so far through the hole that a shirt-sleeve, with
a modern wristband attached, was distinctly visible. The doors
were then opened by PRESIDENT LINcoLN, and the brothers were dis-
covered bound as before.
The cabinet was re-closed, and after an interval of some minutes was
re-opened, and the brothers were discovered unbound.
The cabinet was closed, and after another interval they were shown
bound up as before.
During the tying and untying, an idiotic noise, supposed to be
heavenly music, was extracted from a few musical instruments inside
the cabinet.
A bell was frequently rung at the aperture, and on one occasion was
energetically collared by the hard-rider, and by him wrested from the
ghostly hand that held it. Whereupon the hard-rider was over-
whelmed with PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S denunciations, but to do the
sporting gentleman justice, he did not seem to care for them. The
President announced that "the sporting gentleman's conduct would
bring its own punishment with it, for the spirits hated light, and now


that that obnoxious element had been admitted into the cabinet the
' manifestations' would be less remarkable." Somehow it appeared to
have escaped the worthy gentleman's recollection that he himself ad-
mitted light into the structure whenever he opened the doors. It will
scarcely be credited that these remarks were received with unbounded
applause, and that the miserable sporting character was overwhelmed
with indignant hisses. He explained that he was under the impres-
sion that a committee-man's duty was to take necessary means to dis-
cover whether any trickery existed. But this did not tally with MR.
LINCOLN'S view of the matter, and it turned out eventually that that
gentleman considered that the duty of a committee-man was to do as
he was told by those very men whose proceedings he had undertaken
to examine and report upon.
Mn. LINcoLN made another unfortunate remark when the hard-
rider tugged at the bell. He said, Why, you might have pulled down
the whole structure with two helpless men inside it!" Now as this
could not possibly happen unless there was a strong physical body at
the handle of the bell, and one, moreover, which was too big to be
dragged through the aperture, it is difficult to see how he proposed to
reconcile this remark with his previous statement, that hands, and hands
alone, were concerned in the production of these phenomena.
Your correspondent could not help remarking that no means had
been taken to prove that the hands that appeared at the aperture were
not those of the DAVENPORT BROTHERS, if he except the rope-tying
business, the extracting oneself from which is, as everybody is by
this time aware, nothing more than an ordinary conjurer's trick. It
would have been so easy to have blacked the brothers' hands; it would
have been so easy to have placed a tight-fitting, dark kid glove on
them; it would have been so easy to have tied them in a bag; they
might so easily have been chained and padlocked (instead of tied) to
the cabinet. But no such expedients seemed to have occurred to these
simple-minded young men.
Concerning the second part of the performance your correspondent
has little to say. He heard tambourines and guitars apparently
floating in mid-air and rushing about the room. He was struck on
the head by a guitar, and hit out in consequence, but (he is sorry to
add) hurt nobody. He has no hesitation in describing the second
portion of the performance as a very clever trick, and he has no idea
how it is done. The fact, however, that the room was pitch dark, and
that nobody present was allowed to have his hands at liberty, but was
bound by frightful oaths to hold his neighbour by the hand all the
time, taken in conjunction with the fact that these brothers had, in the
earlier part of the evening, endeavoured to palm off worn-out con-
jurer's tricks as an unearthly manifestation, and repeated the attempt
later, when one MR. FAY took off and put on a coat while he was
bound to a chair, justifies your own correspondent in arguing, by
analogy, that this guitar-floating "manifestation" is a juggling
swindle also.
He left the room at the end of the performance with a conviction
that whether there is or is not any truth in the accepted notions of the
spirit-world, the DAVENPORT BROTHERS are not honest interpreters
of those notions. And be framed a suggestion which may be of use
to any gentlemen who may hereafter act as the brothers' committee-
men. Let one of them who is more strong-minded than your corres-
pondent take with him a long sharp knife, and when the hand
appears at the aperture, let him slash at it with all his might. If the
hand is a spirit hand it will not be injured by the operation, and no
harm will be done. If, on the contrary, it is a hand belonging to one
of the BROTHERS DAVENPORT, it will injure him severely, and show
up that which will, in that case, turn out to be nothing more or less
than an impious swindle.
Finally, he turned over in his mind as many as he remembered of
the acts relating to the proper treatment of rogues and vagabonds, and
sincerely trusted that the next time he saw the brothers bound it
would be in their own recognizances.
YouR OWN CORRESPONDENT.

BRAVO, FARADAY!
PROFESSOR FARADAY has given the spirits a facer-if we may be
allowed the expression. In a reply to an invitation to come and see
the DAVENPORT dupery, he says he has been so disappointed in all
spiritual performances that he can't waste any more time about such
rubbish, and leaves it to the professional conjurers. Quite right,
FARADAY! If literary people had only been half. as sensible, and
declined to go cobbling beyond their last productions, the "do" would
not have been backed by so many respectable names.

WHY will 1865 resemble the auricular organ of a female sheep ?
Because it will be an ewe-ear.


108









NOVEMBER 26, 1861.]


F "U N.


THE NEW POLICE HAT.
N i HIS is a particularly dull time of
year. Literature sleeps until
"' H Christmas. Art is represented
only by the expiring French Ex-
hibition, and of science we have
heard nothing for many weeks.
In fact, all the artists are in
Switzerland or Rome, and all the
I inventors (having ruined them-

\ of their existence in obscure
continental watering places.
Under these circumstances, what
is a journal, exclusively devoted
to "English and Foreign Litera-
ture, Science, and the Fine Arts,"
to do in order to supply the sixty
Columns of scientific and artistic
U chit-chat which it is bound to
present every Saturday to its
contributors ? Can it be wondered
at if it finds food in the new police
uniform and battens on the new
police hat ? Nearly a column and a half of last week's Athenceum" is
devoted to the consideration of the setting that would best become
"Pleeceman A;" and "Pleeceman A," if he ever reads the article,
will be astonished and gratified at the picturesque light in which his
facial conformation is regarded by HlEPWOTH AND Co. Discoursing
of the new hat the firm says :-
"It seems to us too high in the body, so that the countenance of the wearer is
put out of proportion with the black mass above it. This is strongly apparent in
the front view, where the upright sides are seen to be ugly, and not in accordance
with the contour chosen by nature when she moulded the face of man, and set out
the subtle curves of his cranium above the visage. For this reason we recommend
Sin Rt. iMAv L', who is probably not meddled with in so slightly showy a matter
as the clothing of his myrmidons, either to study for himself the contours of the
human skull, or to consult some intelligent artist who has already done so, that he
may benefit by added knowledge (sic) in time for the next supply of hats to the
police."
HEPWORTH AND Co. will be pleased to hear that SIR R. MAYINE
is so delighted with this suggestion that he has told off a constable
(whose face is strictly in accordance with the contour chosen by
nature, and the curves of whose cranium above the visage are much
more subtle than usual) to sit to our artist, who is closeted with him
night and day. Our artist is rapidly learning him by heart, and the
result of his contemplation will have the effect of rendering the force
even lovelier than it is at the present moment.
We have not confined ourselves to the mere consideration of the
garment in which "Pleeceman A" will shine to greatest advantage, but
we have also told off a distinguished member of our literary staff to the
task of discovering the meaning of the following remarkable sentence,
which shall have the benefit of the largest type :-
"THE DEPRESSED CORNERS OF THE MOUTH OF A MELANCHOLY
CONSTABLE ARE INTENSIFIED IN EXPI'ESSIOx BY TlHE ECHO OF ITS
FORM, WHICH IS PRODUCED BY HIS HAT'S TOO MUCH SLOPING
RUN!" __

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITH.-If LoRD SPENCER carries out his plan of making Wimble-
don Common into a park, I think the volunteers ought to erect a
statue to him.
BEowN.-No, certainly not.
SMITH.-I say yes; for they will be great gainers by his liberality
in having a place where they can hold their meetings.
BEowN.-True; but considering the awful caricatures which our
London statues usually present, I look upon your suggestion as most
unkind; in fact, nothing less than requiting good for evil.
SMITH.-There's something in that; still he does deserve some-
thing.
BEOWN.-Of course he does. I call his formation of the park a
most uncommon piece of generosity.
SMITH.-But there'll be no common.
BEowN.-Precisely, and so of course it will be uncommon.
SMITH.-I shouldn't much care about being LORD WODEHOUSE
at present.
BnowN.-Why not ? The Lord-Lieutenancy of Ireland is not a
bad thing, let me tell you.
SMITH.-Perhaps not; but, you see, he has to try and please every-
body, and generally succeeds in pleasing nobody. In fact, he has to
practise the art of "making things pleasant" to an alarming degree.


BiowN.-Yes ; hlie's like the man who tried to sit upon (0o stouols
at once.
SMITH.-And Ihe result is not unfrequniitly precisely Nthl same.
BEowN.-The great question of the day seems at present to he the
utilization of sewage.
SMITH.-Not a o h1. ,.1 savoury subject, I think ; neverthieless
the civic authorities are Iruing to get up a very pretty quarrel with
the'Board of Works about it.
iaOwN.-Yes; it's astonishing how sharp the city is when anything
valuable to its own interests is in the wind. An eye for the main chance
seems to be implanted in its breast by nature.
SMITH.-Ay, and nothing seems to come amiss to them, whether
coals, sewage, or taxes on brokers.
BBiowlN.-All's fish that comes to their not ; and when once in, it
takes an immense deal to get it out again.

REALLY TOO BAD!
(We publisIl tle following correspondence ilihout comment.)
THE EDITOR OF THE "lRECORD" TO THE El)lTOR OF .FUN.
BENIGHTED FUN,-All means that I have hitherto tried have
failed in putting a stop to the insidious influences of Rlomanisi in
this unhappy country, and I regret to state that not only are the
people deaf to the words of warning which three times a %) eok 1 pour
out for their edification and instruction, but with grief I see that they
prefer in their ignorance to listen to you rather than to me. Suchi
being the case it is to you I turn, and beg that you will publish the
following dreadful proof of the spread of the doctrines of Her of
Rome in our once happy but now idolatrous country. Last week n
young woman tock the veil-not in one of the iniquitous Catholic
convents ; no! but actually in Choapside. To such a pilch have the
machinations of CARDINAL aVISEMAN and his infamous associates
been carried. Think of that, FUN Even your ribail Invart Iniiist
shudder at such unheard-of depravity. Think of thal, I say, and as
you value the happiness and welfare of our beloved country, public
this fact, and open the eyes of the millions by whom you are read.
I am, Sir, yours obediently,
THE EDITOR OF THE RECORD."

PRIVATE LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE RECORD TO Id Il
OF FUN.
DEAR SIR,-Stop the press. I have been disgracefully hoaxed. I
find that the young woman who took the veil in Cheapsido (lid so
from a linen-draper's shop, when the proprietor was not lookiuni, and
not, as I supposed, in connection with the idolatrous faith of Iiomne.
Yours very truly, THE EDITOR OF THE Im'OltlO."

ANSWER TO THE ABOVE.
DEAR SIR,-Too late ; besides which the joke is too good to be
suppressed. Yours truly, TnIt Eurroit 0o FUN.
P.S.-Your first letter is so irresistibly comic that an engagement
is open to you on our staff should you desire to join us.

A CLINCHER FOR CLINTON.
Ain.-1 "Jlii,.v T'IAY.o ."
PELHAM CLINTON was a fast young fellow,
Prone to shirking-full of glee ;
Rather given to deserting,
And a lord of high degree.
But on him, at length, a stern court-martial
Passed a sentence of disgrace ;
Yet by its verdict filed to punish
To the full, so gross a case.
Had the culprit been some poor young midd} "-
Some humble widow's only joy-
Disgrace, and p'raps a prison's diet,
Were his fate, poor foolish boy.
It is very strange that pluck and wisdom
Never will walk hand in hand;
And, doubtless, CLINTON'S foolish judges
Are brave as any in the land.
Yet very much will their verdict w:eaken
The link that binds the brave JACK T'A
(The cable of his trust's sliheet-anchlmor)
To the ruling powers that are."
For surely the youth of rank and station,
High degree, or noble birth,
Thus offending is much more guilty
Than the commoner kind of earth."








110 F U N TJ [NOVEMBER 26, 1864.
1 10U N _______


PRIVATE THEATRICALS.
Frank (who is supposed to be rehearsing the part of Romeo) :-" How, DARLING JESSIE, IS IT NAMED, AND HOW FAR DISTANT
THE DAY THAT CALLS THEE MINE?" [It does not certainly sound like SHAKESPEARE, but ise suppose it's all right.


BLUSTER AND BUNKUM.
A BALLAD FOR BRAZIL.
'GUEss we're the nation as is great,
And right out licks creation ;
We're kinder incommensurate-
We air-in our grand nation.
We're cute-all that!-and mighty peart,
Onkimmon brave in fighting .
You only see us takin' heart
When there ain't none to frighten.
Reckon we won't hit one our size,
'Cos the eternal nigger
Might whop us, if in his durned eyes
He thought hisself the bigger.
So we hits them wot's tarnal small-
It simplifies our action:
'Tain't likely they'll show fight at all,
And that's a satisfaction.
You ain't no call to holler, then,
About the Florida matter;
We only smashed yer laws up when
We might yer empire shatter.
Besides, you bein' so very small,
Should make you cease your riot.
'Tain't no use nohow for to bawl,
So take your hiding quiet. '
We did it jest to show the world-
Right slick through all creation-
That when the stars is once unfurled.
We air a mighty nation.


Some other place for that-well, yes!
We might have served severely-
Old Britain say-but then, I guess,
It mightn't prove so clearly!
For this here maxim is tip-top-
It's wisdom most delightin'-
Pick out a chap as you ken whop,
Before you think of fighting .



TANKS AND THANKS.
MR. MOORE, of Portsmouth Dockyard, has invented a new form of
water-tank, which, by its facility of stowing, will enable a larger
quantity of water to be carried than has hitherto been attainable on
board ship. The extent of the blessing conferred by this invention
can only be estimated by those who have known how terrible a thing
thirst is at sea-
Water, water everywhere,
But not a drop to drink 1"
For this invention the Admiralty has rewarded ME. MOORE, and we
feel sure that the public will feel that in this one solitary instance of
expenditure the Admiralty has not been extravagant. It has presented
Ma. MOORE with the very liberal sum of 50-a quarter of what any
patentee would have given him !


DILL WATER.-A duck.pond.
NEW NAVAL ROMANCE IN THE PRESS.-" Pelham; or, the Adven-
tures of an Officer, but not a Gentleman."


Printed by JUDD & GI ASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 26, 1864.




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