• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Fun
 March 19, 1864
 March 26, 1864
 April 2, 1864
 April 9, 1864
 April 16, 1864
 April 23, 1864
 April 30, 1864
 May 7, 1864
 May 14, 1864
 May 21, 1864
 May 28, 1864
 June 4, 1864
 June 11, 1864
 June 18, 1864
 June 25, 1864
 June 25, 1864
 July 2, 1864
 July 9, 1864
 July 16, 1864
 July 23, 1864
 July 30, 1864
 August 6, 1864
 August 13, 1864
 August 20, 1864
 August 27, 1864
 September 3, 1864
 September 10, 1864
 Index
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00006
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00006
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Page iii
        Page iv
    Fun
        Page 1
    March 19, 1864
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    March 26, 1864
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    April 2, 1864
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    April 9, 1864
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    April 16, 1864
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    April 23, 1864
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 62
    April 30, 1864
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 69
        Page 70
        Page 71
        Page 72
    May 7, 1864
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 82
    May 14, 1864
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 91
        Page 92
    May 21, 1864
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
    May 28, 1864
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
    June 4, 1864
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
    June 11, 1864
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132
    June 18, 1864
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
    June 25, 1864
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 151
        Page 152
    June 25, 1864
        Page 153
        Page 154
    July 2, 1864
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
    July 9, 1864
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
    July 16, 1864
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
    July 23, 1864
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
    July 30, 1864
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
    August 6, 1864
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
    August 13, 1864
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
    August 20, 1864
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
    August 27, 1864
        Page 235
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
    September 3, 1864
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
    September 10, 1864
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 261
        Page 262
        Page 263
        Page 264
    Index
        Page 265
        Page 266
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text





















































































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LONDON
PRINTED AND [PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS) BY CHARLES WHYTE,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.


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T had been a very dry summer. Everybody had wondered when the barometer would stop rising, and when
the rain would begin falling. Society had been startled by a remarkable phenomenon. Umbrellas had ceased
to be borrowed. Even the most prudent people had given up providing against a rainy day. Shrewd old
citizens, with a recollection of their early youth, shook their heads ominously, and declared they always expected
what would happen when Vauxhall Gardens came to be finally closed. West-end wiseacres suggested that the more
announcement of a Chiswick Flower-show might possibly produce on that particular day a local shower-flow, One sago
observer of things that generally occur, boldly advanced the proposition that it was only necessary for him to purchase a
now hat in order to change immediately the meteorological conditions. As, however, the sago observer declined to
benefit the country at his own individual expense, and as nobody could be persuaded to put what had come into the
head of the speculative philosopher experimentally on the top of it, no more on that head was made known.
The inhabitants of London unanimously pronounced each successive hot day to be a steady "parcheor," and forthwith
all who could took their staid departure accordingly. The night policeman on his rounds remarked to the belated traveller
he was seeing homo that lihe had never known hisself so dry," and the beadle in the squares rarely accosted any of the
male inhabitants without referring to a similar state of the human system. On the arid heights of Upper Holloway,
MASTER TODDLES, aged six, whose scientific studies had been hitherto limited to an investigation of the nutritious
properties of broad and butter, had astonished his parents with the discovery that all the moist sugar in the parlour
cupboard-to which he had been accidentally permitted to have free access-had entirely evaporated. It was recorded in
police registers that many teetotallers had been compelled to imbibe beverages less scarce than water; and in remote
villages, where families had been enforced to lot well alone, the weekly wash had been only managed by making the







iv PREFACE.


copper hot with strong beer. Strange sights were seen in the household. Buttons flew off and bluebottles stuck on.
Puddles were at a premium, and at every railway station farmers talked about nothing having come up since the last
rain. Theatrical critics remarked the exceedingly dry humour of the new comedian, and literary reviewers spoke
of passages from a new poem reminding them of another DaYDEN. Even in the accounts furnished by joint-stock
companies to the shareholders the largest and most bewildering expenditure was put down under the general head
of sun-dries."
There was evidently an absence of moisture on the earth, and the CLERK OF THE IWEATHER Was called Upon to supply
the deficiency. In his turn he called upon the contributors to FUN.
"Make for the multitude," he cried, "jokes that shall cause tears of laughter to roll in trickling streams down their
dusty checks, that out of those crystal spheres the thirsting air may form aqueous clouds, and evaporation prbducing its
usual consequences, a precipitation of humidity may be the result."
And proud of the mission intrusted to them the joke-makers laboured zealously at their important task, and each
and every joke as it reached the eye extracted therefrom tears from the heart-easing well of mirth. The radiant sun
drew upwards the fresh-found water-drops and made genial clouds out of them, which sent down refreshing rains upon
the earth. The land, tickled with the joko, laughed with a harvest, and the first rainbow afterwards which spanned the
sky dazzled the vision with the rarest prismatic colours of Wit and Fancy.
Thus goes forth

3E SiPl %Vlumme of -fun,

to carry bounteous blessings to far-off countries; and wherever some earth needs its refreshing influence, there will some
mirth, produced from these pages, serve to quicken the growth of all good things with which GOOD NATURE may be
credited.
















































THE LAMENT OF THE YEOMANRY.
Dedicated to the MAEQUITs O HLATBREAKINGTON, by a fine
body of men.
Or, tell us all about this 'ere-
About this 'ere,
About this 'ere!
Oh, won't you have us out this year,
To do our evolutions ?
What will you do if foemen mad
Begin behaving very bad,
Or Socialists and Chartists sad
Commence their revolutions ?
You'll be sighing for the yeomen,
To drive away the foemen,
And to prove to Chartists, no men
May harm our constitutions!
Oh, tell us all about this 'ere-
About this 'ere,
About this 'ere!
Oh, won't you have us out this year,
To go through our manoeuvres ?
Although our charging's rather wild,
Inspecting officers have smiled
To see how widely we defiled,
And sometimes were reprovers !
If you would an attack shun,
Of all the Tory faction,
Of schemes for our inaction
You'd better not be movers.
Oh, tell us all about this 'ere-
About this 'ere,
About this 'ere!
Oh, won't you have us out this year ?
You'd really better do it!
The agricultural interest
Has warmed its patriotic breast-
It loves to be like soldiers dressed;


With uniform indue it I
Though they're useless as defences,
The yeoman's weight immense is
Scorn them on no pretences,
Or you will surely rue it!


LINES.

BY EARL R-SS-LL.
WHAT made my country interpose
Between two fierce and angry foes,
Who, spite of all, still came to blows ?
My meddle!
What, when my country interfered
In policy so changed and veered,
That the surrounding nations sneered ?
My muddle !
What twixtt the Russian and the Pole
Stept in attempting to cajole
Old Bruin back into his hole ?
My meddle *
What made the mediation vain,
And taught the Russian with disdain
To fling our offer back again ?
My muddle!
What covers England with disgrace,
Shames her before all Europe's face,
And forfeits her once boasted place ?
My meddle and my muddle !


"OH! THANK You, Mn. EDITOR !"-A cynic has said that a
pretty woman has mostly but two ideas, which are continually
clashing." For our own parts, we would rather say that she has two
dear eyes, which are continuallyflashing !


VOL. VI.









[MARCH 19, 1864.


FUlN.


TOWN TALK.
BY THn LUNCHES AT THE PUBS.
THE Dano-Germanic difficulty still drags its slow length along, and
with small prospect of a conclusion just yet. England, as represented
by that immaculate peer, the MARQUIS OF CLANRICARDE, is con-
tented to send court plaster to the gallant Danes, after standing by
and letting two bullies pitch into one little kingdom. This is, I take
it, a left-handed way of helping people and showing your friendship,
"'Tis all very well to dissemble your love,
But why did you "-let some one else-" kick me down stairs ?"
A SOMEWHAT similarly round-about assistance is given by the Times,
which permits PROFESSOR MAX MULLER advocate the cause of
Germany at such tedious length as to enlist our sympathies imme-
diately on the opposite side. That such a result was anticipated by
the Times there is no question, for that "leading journal" and most
unbiassed organ, is not in the habit of letting people hear the other
side. Take the late execution as an example. It admitted three or
four letters to its columns, attesting the loveliness of execution mobs,
but burked the shoals of letters bearing witness on the other side.
This is what is called the "impartiality" of the Thunderer. In the
late will case of CRESSWELL v. JACKSON, if you remember, one of
the witnesses described the testator as a sensible and intelligent
man, who took in the Times." I don't mind admitting the definition,
always provided that the statement is not reversible, like a pocket
siphonia, and that the Times did not take in him.
HERE'S a hint for the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. The
French Government makes about twelve thousand a year out of con-
fiscated newspapers, not admitted into the Imperial realms. The
impounded journals are sold as waste paper, and really an emperor
need not be ashamed to deal with buttermen and trunkmakers, when
the profits are so large and the outlay nothing. Perhaps MB. GLAD-
STONE envies him this triple advantage. First of all, he would turn
an honest (?) penny; secondly, he would burk obnoxious opinions;
and thirdly, he would supply with reading (and at no increase of the
estimates) those happy Government clerks who are popularly believed
to have nothing to do but peruse the papers.
ThB first installment of the Danish papers, so long called for, has
been issued. It is worth looking over, if only o to find that Prussia's
chief quarrel with Denmark (so says BISrMARK to WODEHOUSE) is,
that the latter country will not put down democracy by a coup d'dtat.
It is not difficult to see what the policy of Prussia is, but even German
philosophy is likely to come to grief if it dreams that it can paralyze
the power of steam by sitting down on the safety-valve.
I HEAR that English residents have been recommended to leave
Rome before the 22nd. Of course they all laugh, but there have come
of late some very mysterious rumblings from the shores of volcanic
Italy, and an explosion is not impossible. And can you wonder?
The tide of freedom spreading over the peninsula is flung back from
the frontier of Venetia and the walls of Rome only to gather
strength from its repulse. It must sweep on by-and-by.
THE Carlton Club meditates the expulsion of WILLIAM EWART
GLADSTONE among some others. As it is the fashion to be SHAKE-
SPERIAN now-a-days, the great man might retort with
You common cry of curs ...... banish you !"
If the University of Oxford will only follow the wise example of the
Club, the Liberal party will have won indeed a man who would
grace any cause, and a giant intellect and an inflexible integrity which
would reflect lustre on any party.

"Semmes, Madam-Nay, it is."
CAPTAII SEMMES is reported to have declared that even if the Con-
federate Government consented to rejoin the union, he would never
make peace with the Federals. The Norlhteclare him to be a pirate,
because they cannot, or dare not, catch him. We, in the face of this
declaration, should suggest the striking out of one letter of their
description, and for "pirate" read "prate."

The Entente Cordiale.
A FRENCH newspaper states that England supplies France with tons
of magnificent salmon in return for forty million eggs devoured at
British breakfasts. Now then who will be the first to say this rate
of eggs-change requires eggs-salmon-nation ?

MAJESTY'S SERVANTs.--The Pages of FUN !
"KEY" TO IRELAND'S MISFORTUNES.- Wlhi-key.


cQ' Comic ?istoric of valbrit.

33ifo pe P e tnb.e
CHAPTER IX.
THE heraldic shield, like the House of Commons, has two sides;
an inside and an outside. When tired of the former, the most natural
course is to resort to the latter. Having now exhausted the list of the
principal articles to be found inside the shield, we will proceed to treat
of those external ornaments which, like any other mysterious puzzle,
are to be found out. Of these external ornaments, the principal are,
helmets, crowns, half-crowns, or coronets, wreaths, crests, mitres,
scrolls, and supporters.
First of all we have the helmet, which, being worn to prevent the
owner getting one for his nob instead of taking two for his heels, was
naturally a most important member of the heraldic family. Helmets,
like tarts, are of different sorts and sizes. That belonging to the
sovereign is of gold, full faced, and open, with six bars. Considering,
however, how few bars were formerly placed upon the action of kings
and great men generally, those on the helmet clearly derived their
origin on the lucus a non lucendo principle. A ducal helmet is of steel,
placed a little in profile, and defended with five gold bars; from which
we may note that, like publicans, both kings and dukes were always
to be found behind their bars. The helmet of a baronet or knight is
also of steel, full faced, the visor up, and without bars; their counte-
nances being thus totally uncovered, it may naturally be inferred that
this class of warriors were a decidedly cheeky lot. Esquires and
gentlemen have also steel helmets, with -the visor down, ornamented
with gold, and placed in profile; the faces in this instance being con-
cealed, this class were probably more modest than the former, apt to
turn aside, and easily shut up; if, at any rate, they followed the
examples of their visors.
The helmet is surmounted either by a crown, coronet, or wreath.
The first of these is borne only by emperors, kings, and sovereigns.
The first crowns were simply bands or fillets, which latter word
naturally reminds us of butcher's meat; and considering that they were
not unfrequently bestowed upon those who had benefited the common
weal, or veal, the connection is, after all, not so remote as might at
first sight appear. Afterwards, they were composed of branches of
various trees, which shows that ideas about that time began to sprout;
though to modern minds the notion of a wooden crown would only
be suitable to a person possessing a head of a similar nature. Next,
flowers were added to the crowns; so that a conquering hero, in the
early ages, must have presented an absurd mixture of the warrior
and the nursery gardener combined. To pass, however, to more known
times, CONSTANTINE THE GREAT first used a diadem of pearls and
precious stones over a gold helm, somewhat like the close crowns of
later times, which seems to have been the example which the sovereigns
of Europe afterwards followed. Coronets are also of many kinds; to
distinguish them all would, however, take up more space than they
are worth. One sort only shall we mention, and that merely to inform
those of our readers who may, perhaps, not be acquainted with the
manners and customs of the upper ten," with a point of breeding
most requisite should they be summoned, as in all probability some of
them will be, to the House of Lords. A ducal coronet is adorned
with eight strawberry leaves; hence it is regarded as a delicate atten-
tion when addressing any one of that rank to mention him as "leaves;"
or in case you should desire to be very ceremonious, call him pottlee "
at once. This will invariably ensure favourable attention from the
party-if, indeed, a duke may be called a "party"-spoken to. The
wreath originally was a chaplet composed of two pieces of silk,
whereby each knightly chap let others know that he had a lady-love,
since the wreath was always twisted by that individual, who thus, how-
ever abstemious, was able in public to show whether or not she had a
good twist.
Out of the wreath ascended the crest, somewhat on the jack-in-the-
box principle. The word "crest" is derived from the Latin crista, a
comb; and the use of this comb, while having a brush with the
enemy, is of course patent to the meanest comprehension. Originally,
crests were carried only by military commanders, who were thus dis-
tinguished in battle, to prevent their being extinguished among the
crowd. In the great seal of EDWARD III. a crest was borne for the
first time over the coat of arms, and as the enemies of that monarch
found him a man of decided whacks, we may conclude that this new
appearance doubtless nade a great impression. Crests are composed
of all kinds of articles-arms, legs, heads, tails, and bodies of men and
animals, to say nothing of such trifles as hatchets, towers, gates, or, in
fact, any other thing or person that the taste or fancy of the wearer
might suggest; thereby offering a fine field to be cultivated by an
imaginative herald.









MAcH 19, 1864.] F TU N 3


TOM-TIT DIPLOMACY.
MASTER JOHN was very eager
To be crammed with Foreign cake;
He would show them how to eat it-
Bless you he was wide awake.
He was warned-the little greedy-
That the plums would not digest;
That the diplomatic dumplings
Would lie heavy on his chest.
But when he can't catch his longings,
He is in perpetual fret;
So he has a trick of grabbing
Things which he should never get.
Even then he's not contented-
He will fidget, fuss, and fume;
For he never thinks that RUSSELLS
Have sufficient elbow room.
People asked, what constitution
Had the little JOHNNY shown
Fit for food reserved for strong men-
Had his little stomach grown ?
To be sure, some thirty years back,
He had nursed a healthy child;
But since then his use in England
Has been very, very mild.
To be sure, he at Vienna
Played the double-shuffle game ;
Might be clever, but we never
Thought it added to his fame.
Some few dreamers called him "statesman,"
Why, not one of them could tell;
Up and down he hawked old habits,
But not one of them would sell.
Even his especial bantling,
Was to grow up dressed in frocks;
Never mind his age-no stockings-
Let him walk about in socks.
Then we laughed, and told the father
That the child was grown too tall;
That his legs leapt through his trousers,
That his tunic was too small.
Then JOHN tried to let the hems out,
Sewed on buttons here and there;
For at first none could convince him
That the clothes were out of wear.
But at last he cut some garments
Out of dingy RUSSELL plaid ;
And when every one was grinning,
Said 'twas best that could be had.
One determination kept he-
No one else should breech the child ;
So when DERBY cut queer doeskins,
Little JOHN was very wild.
Once again he took the scissors,
And his dear old friend the goose;
And he carved another boggle,
Scrimpy, baggy, tight, and loose.
'Twould not do-he had to put it
On his well-stored failure shelf;
Then he cut Reform for ever,
But he didn't cut himself.
For he made a great discovery--
'Twas no wonder he'd gone wrong;
As a LORD, he had been messy,
But as EARL, he'd come out strong.
All diplomatists were duffers-
Out of all he'd take the shine;
"Ah, Eureka! Ah, the Foreign!-
That is my peculiar line !"
Well, we've tried him, and, confound him!
He has filled our mouths with sand;
If he must make little dirt pies,
Let him make them close at hand.


First it's meddle," then it's muddle"-
Then he takes another range ;
"Muddle first, and meddle after-
Just as an amusing change.
For the Polish cause, he threatened
Russia with his little fist;
Then he said he didn't mean it,
And his little hand he kissed.
Truth to tell, Braak was favoured,
With a most terric bray;
But Brazil was not so dangerous,
And Brazil was far away.
As to brave, ill-treated Denmark-
Battling with her coward foes-
What the meddle," and the "muddle,"
Only little JoHNrx knows.
Hopping forwards, scuttling backwards,
Poking with a blunted lance;
Snubbed and bullied by the Yankees,
And politely snubbed by Prance.
This won't do-our country must not
Be in such a wretched case;
Time was when no Power dared thus
Slap old England in the face.
Doubtless Joum has good intentions-
Very well, but not enough;
For the care of British honour
Rulers must find sterner stuff.
If he must-as special fungus-
At the well of office drink,
Give him arm-chair, pens, and paper,
But on no account the ink.

THE TWO DROMIOS.
SCz"E.-A private box at the Princess's, during representation of
Comedy of Errors."
YOUNG LADY.-Now, which of the two Dromios is that, Mn.
SMITH ?
SMITx.-Ah, you're getting puzzled-I said you would ho; I was,
at first. Well, that Dromio is the slave of the Antipholus of Ephesus-
of Corinth, I mean-no, of Ephesus, who came to Syracuse-no, I'm
wrong again. The Antipholus of Corinth is the servant of the Dromio.
I mean of the Antipholus who had the gold chain, don't you know,
with WETHERSDEN and BROGDEN's advertisement-the one who was
taken up because his wife-the Dromio of Antipholus's wife, I mean-
didn't give the money to the right Ephesus-the Ephesus of Corinth-
whereas she gave it to the Ephesus of Syracuse-I mean the Anti-
pholus of Syracuse- to give to his master, the Dromio of Antipholus-
no, the Antipholus of Syracuse-let me see, am I right ? No-the
Antipholus of Ephesus. That is, if she'd given them to the right
Dromio, the Dromio of Corinth, instead of to the wrong Dromio, the
Ephesus of Corinth, neither of the Antipholus's would have had a
thrashing from their two masters, the Corinths of Andromio. As it
was, the master of the Ephesepholus of Syracuse was arrested by that
uncommonly mild-looking sheriff's-officer who thinks he has got
Syrepholus of Ephesecuse-very ingenious-to whom the jeweller
thinks he gave the gold chain; whereas, in reality, he gave it to
Dromephesus of Corinthecuse. You must be careful not to confound
the Dromephesus, who's now speaking, with the Antiphesus who got
the thrashing because Antiphesus of Ephesycuse didn't know that he
had given the gold to Ephesus instead of to Corinth. The slave
Ephesus took it, you will remember, to his mistress Dromio, and then
Antiphorinth of Ephesus--was it F-yes-thought he had given it to
the other Corinth-the other Antipholus I mean-no, I was right, the
other Corinth. It's puzzling at first. Let me get you an ice.
[Exit rash SMITH, with a sort of consciousness that he has made a
mess of it.]

Signs of the Season.
THE song-birds of a migratory nature are to be expected shortly in
this country. The note of the SIvoni has been recently heard in
Paris, but it will arrive in England early in April with the cuckoo.
The JoAcHIM will shortly be on the wing (at the opera), and the
WIENAWSKI may be looked for almost immediately.

THE AMERICAN QUESTION.-" Do you keep your health ?"









4 [MAH 19, 1864.


BRIBERY AND CORRUPTION.
Savage Old Lord (to 1st Beater) :-"Hr, SIR, ABE YOU A VOTER, SIR ?"
First Beater (timidly) :-" No, MY LORD."
Savage Old Lord (to 2nd Ditto) :-" AND YOU, SIR, ARE YOU A VOTER, SIR ?"
Second Ditto (with much pride) :-" YES, ME LORD."
Savage Old Lord (more savagely) :-" THEN, HANG YOU, SIR, TAKE SOME BREAD AND CHEESE !"

BRIF BI GRAP IES. FYTTE YE FOURTH.
BRIEF BIOGRAPHIES. Then a council was hastily summoned at Rouen;
No. 1.-JOAN OF ARC. An indictment was drawn up amazingly strong;
FFTTE YE FIRSTE. The king and his council, every sub, and each parson,
A WO'NDERFUL maiden once dwelt at Orleans, Were determined a vile charge of WITCHCRAFT to fasten
And in wide awake visions saw murderous scenes; Upon her envied fame,
At first, the effect was to greatly alarm her; And thus to blast her name,
But, at length, taking heart, and French-leave with some armour, While her body they scorched in the great square of Rouen!
She rubbed off the dust, FYTTE FINIS.
And scrubbed off the rust; Left to imagination with indignation.
Put it on, and went forth as THE Maid of Orleans!
PYTTE YE SECOND. RETIRED FROM HIS POST.
From British besiegers she released the town of Rheims THE inventor of penny postage, the greatest man of letters" of
(A feat foretold, I fancy, in one of said day dreams); this century, retires from his post with his health broken down by his
Then, having crowned the king, she smeared his face with oil, long labours in the public cause. There is no need to go through the
And, in Saint Something's name, she bade him free the soil list of the benefits he has conferred on his country, for they must be
Prom invading foes; stamped-and cannot be obliterated-on the minds of all. It, there-
Then exclaimed, "Here goes !" fore, behoves the nation to see that such distinguished services shall be
Took off her petticoat of steel,* and left the town of Rheims. duly recognized and rewarded. Although compelled to retire he must
FYTTE YE THIRDE. be nevertheless made a-peer.
But the courage of the army went with brave JOAN OF ABc ;
So they made her volunteer again, though with forebodings dark. OXFORD LOGIC.
At length, herself besieged, she sought her men to rally, FORTY pounds a year for Greek,
By taking active part in a very vicious sally; With no decent living suits;
But treason, or her fate, JOWETT, those who thus can speak,
Behind her shut the gate, Think you live upon its "roots."
And the British seized their pris'ner, brave, hapless JOAN OF ARC !
We, being a paterfamilias, can only hope that the abnegation of crinoline CHarrang E OF NME-In consequence of the time it has taken to
steel will instantly ensue from the perusal of this act of martial modesty.-ED. strange for the payment of the "Delhi Prize Money," it.is proposed
F.. to call it in future the Delay Prize Money."








FUTN.-MARCH 19, 1864.


PRUSSIA, BY HIMSELF. AUSTRIA, BY HIMSELF. CONSTANCE, DENMARK.
OLD AND TRUE.
Constance (Denmark) :-"War! War! No Peace! Peace is to me a war!
0 JPrussia! 0 Austria! thou dost shame
That bloody spoil. Thou slave! thou wretch !
*
Thou wear a lion's hide! Doff it for shame,
And hang a calf's-skin on those recreant limbs."-Shakespeare-" King John."









MARCH 19, 1864.] F TJ N. 7


Ijnn in l darliamef.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-MONDAY, MARCH 7TH.
EARL CHELMSFORD asked how it was that ADMIRAL BOXER, SIR
MONTAGU STOPFORD, and SIE FREDERICK GREY, who had nothing
to do with the capture of Kertch, had bagged a large share of the
prize money.
The DUKE OF SOMERSET said that these gentlemen had demanded
a share of the spoil, and, by the rules of red tape, Government was
obliged to pay them for doing nothing. BOXER and his two friends
ought to be ashamed of themselves; but suppose, after all, that the
First Lord has made a goose of himself, in trusting to his not over
bright intellects, instead of seeking advice from the law officers ?
The EARL OF HARDWICKE seemed to think that the DUKE OF
SOMERSET had the choice of two chairs to sit upon-a clean chair,
and a dirty chair; and that he had chosen the dirty chair.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
First, among those who gave notice. MR. CBRWFORD, that he
intended to put a spoke in the wheel of a proposed railway scheme;
MB.ROEBUCK,that he would find out whether HER MAJESTY'S Govern-
ment were humbugging in American matters; MR. HUNT, that he
wouldn't be in the dark with a ghostly passage in a Danish despatch;
and Mn. DISRAELI, that he required more illumination from the
Government rushlight.
Then, gentlemen who had said they would ask, and now did. MR.
LIDDELL, on China, who got nothing from MR. LAYARD but the old
cracked plate of "Couldn't say when;" Mn. LoNG, on the right of
Confederate search, who obtained a sensible reply from the ATTORNEY-
GENERAL; MR. DALGLISH, on the Pampero, who was told by MR.
LATARD that we did believe Denmark, and didn't believe the Southern
Confederacy; and MR. DISRAELI, on the invasion of Jutland, who
was told by LORD PALMERSTON that Austria and Prussia were
among that dirty class who, before company, loudly blame a servant
for doing that which had been privately commanded. The Premier
also spoke of the Federal Diet as a nasty mess.
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER then made his statement
on the Government Annuities Bill, and if MR. GLADSTONE had done
nothing else for his country he would deserve her gratitude. His
speech was one of the most talented and exhaustive that the House
has ever listened to. The heaps of dirt which have accumulated
around Friendly Societies, so called, have been dug away from their
doors, thanks to the Right Honourable Gentleman; and bad as we
knew the state of such houses, we confess we were unprepared for
such exposure of noxious accumulations. As a little proof of what
we may expect if such associations are to be considered capable, Mn.
GLADSTONE informed the House that a deputation from the Royal
Liver informed him that in case of a society being insolvent, they
should propose that it be made solvent. Making a silk purse out of
a sow's ear, or washing a Blackamoor white, are mildly easy opera-
tions, we should imagine, to this clever invention of Assurance. Mn.
SHERIDAN spoke as a special pleader against the Bill. LORD STANLEY,
as became his acknowledged usefulness, and some few others, talked
sense, and not a few nonsense.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TUESDAY.
LORD DERBY wanted more papers, in answer to which EARL
RUSSELL told the House what all knew-that "Austria and Prussia
had entered upon a most unjustifiable war." We'd rather have the
papers than this light on the subject, brilliant as the light may be.
LORD DERBY didn't get the papers. In answer to LORD TRUnO,
LORD STANLEY of Alderley paid a deserved tribute to the worth of
that excellent friend of his country, SIR ROWLAND HILL. May he
find some return of that health lost in the service of all.
The EARL OF SHAFTESBURY spoke the English heart when he
spoke of the wanton outrages of Austria and Prussia; and he was
well supported by the EARL OF ELLENBOROUGH, who called upon
EARL RUSSELL to withstand the threatened occupation of the Baltic
by an Austrian fleet. The Foreign Secretary, as usual, gave a sort
of cold, fishy, bloodless answer.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
On the Metropolitan Railway Schemes, MR. CRAWFORD was not
successful, so far, in stopping the rooting up of the city, as proposed
by the iron monsters. Spite the large majority against MR. CRAW-
FORD, we conceive that he stood on the vantage ground.
Touching the conversation on PAYMASTER SMALES, it strikes us
that the pardon given him is strangled with red tape. MR. HUNT
was informed by LOBD PALMERSTON that the very shadowy bit in
one of the Dano-German despatches was some vapouring of GonT-
CHAKOFF'S, all about nothing. MR. DISRAELI, like the head of his
firm in the Upper House, wanted more papers, and of course he
didn't get what he wanted.


THE LIE OF A LIFETIME;
ORa
RANDOM READINGS OF TRAITOROUS TRAITS, PAST PASSAGES AND
PRESENT PROSPECTS,
op
THE MODERN AUGUSTUS.
A SERIOUS SERIAL IN SEVERAL SECTIONS.
SECTION THU NINTH.
Italy and Mexico.
OH, Italia dear Italia home of beauty, shrine of song,
Land whose sons are sterling patriots, who suffer and are strong;
Strong in high resolve and noble deeds, in vengeful scorn of wrong,
Ne'er forget to curse the traitor who thus basely dared prolong,
By that fatal hour's vile armistice, that treaty false and cruel,
Thy probation, degradation, neathh a foreign tyrant's rule.
S

'Twas done; and Zurich set the seal on Villafranca's crime,
That sold Venetia, brightest gem of fair Italia's clime.
Then amid a stern, cold silence, more eloquent than speech,
MOLOCH retired. Too soon, alas i vague, dreaded rumours roach
The fevered sons of Italy ; a chill falls on each heart.
In payment of such barren aid, 'tis whispered they must part
With Nice and Savoy to the French; must thus reward an act
Which crushed the hopes of those who fought for Italy intact;"
Who, for their country's weal had bled, and would, if needful, die,
Which proved an Emperor's IDEA was but a selfish LIE.
In vain CAvoUR's reluctance, GARIBALDI'S warning voice;
Intrigue and base duplicity left Italy no choice.
Meanwhile, the myth of holiness, by bayonets upheld,
In Romish occupation hope of unity dispelled.
Once more when GARIBALDI, in his rash but honest zeal,
Took arms in Freedom's sacred cause, false, hollow words reveal
NAPOLEON'S shameless worthlessness; he promised that he'd yield
To Italy her capital, when, from the tented field,
Py moral suasion or by force, the liberator's arms
Withdrawn, should free his empire and his prestige from alarms.
Sardinia, all the baseness of his former deeds forgot,
And hence sprang Aspromonto, and that one ungrateful shot,
Again delays are interposed; his object once achieved,
A scornful smile rewards the dupes who in his pledge believed.


Meantime domestic policy demands some anxious thought,
For such luxuries as glory are never cheaply bought;
And FOULD, with lengthened face, declares finance is running short.
At once the nation's confidence with well-feigned zeal is sought,
NAPOLEON tells his Chambers "that henceforth he seeks their aid,
That yearly revenue accounts shall be before them laid;"
Gives promise that all state details shall be within their reach,
And-crowning act of liberal grace-grants liberty of speech;
Invites them to express their views, and fearlessly inquire
The reason why of every act; explains that his desire
Is thus, by timely, just reforms, to build up and maintain
A liberal constitution, and the love of France to gain.
Astounded by this masterstroke-this unsuspected phase
Of tyrant rule, France listened, in a stupor of amaze.
But knowing that the darkest hour precedes the welcome dawn,
Deemed that her night of serfdom" was for ever past and gone.
Alas like morning's mist dispersed by Sol's refulgent beam,
Full soon the light of truth dispelled the all too brilliant dream;
For Freedom thrives on deeds, not words. A mere discussion class-
OTHELLO'S tragic part played out, the afterpiece a farce,
Was all that lurked beneath the words bombastic, hollow, false;
The "Dance of Death," succeeded by a minuet or valse.
This ruse exposed, to still the waves that surged on every side,
The soothing oil of glory on a foreign soil" was tried;
And Montezuma's ancient halls, Potosi's glittering prize,
A war trail in a distant land, all flash before the eyes
Of Gallia's duped but warlike sons. The eagles are displayed,
The pomp and circumstance of war, the troops in line arrayed;
The Emperor, with brilliant suite, a grand inspection holds,
And once again the plastic mass to his stern purpose moulds.
The dreaded "ides of march" are past, the CAsBAu breathes again,
And martial music drowns in France the rattle of the chain.
(To be continued.)


__ __









[MAeCH 19, 1864.


FUN.


AT THE PLAY.

ANFRED has
-\/ been revived at
__ DruryLane,and
/ I i MR. PHELPS
V oncemore stalks
about the stage,,
in gloomy gran-
deur, uttering
awfully long so-
liloquies to the
feverish impa-
tience of young
S country who be-
lieve in the per-
manenceofplay-
bills, have not
Sound out that
the pantomime
and who wonder
whenheis going
Sto change into
clown. The
r N. 1 SHAKESPERIAN
o o once more make
a speech on the
summit of the
Jungfrau, and tell the precipice below that he is not going to throw
himself away for nothing; and he can again thank that merry Swiss
boy, the chamois hunter, for taking the necessary six steps from the
valley below to the heights above to move an amendment to his reso-
lution. In the last scene, on the first night of the restoration, some
of the flittering tinsel that is flung down from the flies to give effect
to the apotheosis of ASTARTE, alighted on the nose of the defunct
man of mystery, and its irritating titillation necessitated a vigorous
movement of the limbs to dislodge the aggravating particles. It was
possibly tle dread of some such comical conclusion to the catastrophe
that inspired LORD BYRON with a horror of his poem being placed on
the stage. The new farce of The Alabama is only the old farce
of The Spitfire," which M. MADDISON MORTON having originally
adapted from the French, has now adapted to the times, turning a
British man-of-war into the famous Southern cruiser, and planting a
funnel on the deck for MR. BELMORR to creep into as a funnellyimagined
situation. The lively LYDIA (THOMPSON understood) goes into
jacket and trousers, and comes out in a hornpipe, and the curtain
falls on the capture of the flag of the stars and stripes, and the arrival
of the redoubtable CAPTAIN SEaMMEs on board, when the battle has
been fought and won, which, of course, will bring down upon this
country the vengeance of both North and South. Let MESSRs.
FALCONER and CHATTERTON look to it.
The Adelphi farce of "The Area Belle" shows a smart servant
blessed with three lovers, a soldier, a milkman, and a policeman; and
yet she does not exclaim Hurrah! for the red, white, and blue which
shows how nobly MEssRS. BROUGH and HALLIDAY have disdained the
assistance of a patriotic clap-trap. These three suitors are MEssRS.
PAUL BEDFORD, R. RROMER, and J. L. TOOLE; whilst Mns. ALFRED
MELLON, that will never be anybody but Miss WOOLGAR, in the eyes
of the playgoing multitude, is the fascinating sylph of the kitchen.
There is no necessity for saying a syllable about the plot after that,
for the veriest dunce at the Adelphi playbill must see what can be
done so well on the Adelphi boards. The policeman, who is always
affectionate and "kitchen" it, becomes a marvellous impersonation in
the hands of MR. TOOLE, who hardly needs his official staff to show
that he could take up the worst characters at the shortest notice, and
make them give a good account of themselves. A song that he sings
with immense humour, called "A Norrible Tale," is likely to appear
in every part of London, go on a provincial tour, and take America
and California, on its way to Australia.
Those blessed by Providence'with a quick appreciation of the won-
derful, should travel as far northward as the Royal Grecian, and see
Ms. GEORGE CONQUEST, as FRIDAY, in Robinson Crusoe." He is
up and down every minute, like consols in a diplomatic difficulty, and
spends at least the greater part of his theatrical existence in the air.
Society may have had its sharpest hits in other quarters, but the City-
road is the place to go to if you desire to see where it has had the
smartest traps. THE ODD MAN.


THE BARON KLOPFZETTERHEIM;
OR,
THE BEAUTIFUL BERTHA AND THE BIG BAD
BROTHERS OF BONN.
FYTTE THE FIRST.
EAR the town of St. Goar,
On the bleak Rhenish shore,
Dwelt a terrible baron-a certain

I've not got it pat,
SBut it sounded like that,
Though whether it's'properly
spelt to the letter, I'm
Not at all sure; I
Confess for this story
To memory (second-rate) only a
debtor I'm.
Indulgence I claim,
It's a high-sounding name,
And a name, too, to which one
can easily set a rhyme.

A growling and gruff 'in,
A ruthless and rough 'un,
A tyrant, a Tartar, a toothless and tough 'un;
His skull was as bald as the palm of my hand,
And surrounding its base was a silvery band
Of curly grey hair, and he brushed it well up
From ear round to ear,
So it looked, from the rear,
Like a very smooth egg in a very white cup.
He'd bricks, and he'd mortar;
He'd wood, and he'd water;
Sheep, oxen, and poultry, calves, pigs, and-a daughter;
Whom, though generally such points rather lax on, he
Swore was the loveliest woman in Saxony.
The baron was wealthy, but horribly stealthy;
He'd jewels from Ingy, but still he was stingy;
Though rich from a babby, unbearably shabby;
Though steeped to his eyes, sir, in wealth, yet a miser;
From boyhood a dunce, always trying to shirk hic, hoc,
.esc," he was stupid and proud as a turkey-cock.
Stealthy and stingy and shabby and miserly,
Every morning his wont was to rise early;
Search out each inch of his rocky dominions,
Count all the eggs and the apples and iniuns,


Listen at keyholes for candid opinions
Propounded by uncomplimentary minions,
In syllables bated,
For so was he hated
By all his dependents, for reasons just stated.
Superior far,
To her horrid papa,
Was BERTHA. The daughters of barons oft are.
Her hair was fair,
And a flaxen rare;
In the fine land called Rhineland the best, I declare;
Its charms, in a single comparison summing,
It looked like a "nimbus," but far more becoming;
Besides, you could brush it, and alter the sit of it,
Play with its folds (did decorum permit of it),


Y


------ ii







MAcH 19, 1864.] F' U N.


Tickle your cheek with a stray ray or so ;
Now you can't do all that with a "nimbus," you know.
Flaxen, I said-I recant-not a bit of it;
A glorified hue
(You find it on few),
Gold mingled with brown-now I'm sadly put to
For an elegant noun
(It must be gold and brown)
To which I can liken this natural crown;
But commonplace thoughts prove effectual stoppers,
And I can't think of any but sovereigns and coppers.


In length it was ample, as you may suppose,
For when BERTHA so fair
Let down her back hair,
It rippled away till it reached to her toes.
She'd have made (had necessity ventured to drive her)
A really respectable LAnr GonDvA.
It was long, it was silky, and wavy, and mellow,
And about as much "flaxen" as sunbeams are yellow.
Then her eyes!
Their size!
Their glorious blue!
I am sure it's a hue
That was solely invented our trials to leaven-
You'll find it alone in girls' eyes and in heaven!
When nobody hailed them
She quietly veiled them,
Humanely declining
To send you, by needlessly flashing their light at you,
Hopelessly pining;
But when you addressed her she always looked right at you-
Right in your face,
With a maidenly grace,
That spoke to the truth and sincerity there,
AnI misconstrue that innocent gaze if you dare!
Now the Baron's old seneschal
Finding the Rhenish all
Swallowed, he hied
For some more to the marchcnd de vis, who replied,
Friend, never of Rhenish the worth of a penny shall
E'er again aid in his Lordship's digestion,
Unless he first pays down the penny in question.
The Baron must think me as green as an olive! Hence he
Ne'er will get more without cash down at all events he
Couldn't suppose I would act with such folly ven see"
(Opening his books
With disheartening looks),
I am tottering just on the brink of insolyvency
So the seneschal thought
It was time to report
To his master the crisis to which he was brought.
(To be continued.)

THE LATEST CONUNDRUM.--If I ask you what I have ordered
with my mutton-chop, and you reply, "pale ale," why is that answer
like the fifth volume of FUN ? Because it is just stout, and so are
you, and so is that, and there is a head to each. That's quite as good
as a lesson in metaphysics.


THE ROYAL CHRISTENING.
THIS auspicious event had originally been fixed for the 9th instant,
but as that was the publication day of FUN, it was felt that two such
important ceremonies should not take place on the same day, and the
christening was accordingly put off until the Thursday.
The chapel of Buckingham Palace is a small one, and the invitations
were necessarily very restricted, and it was a matter of doop Itoyal
regret that after seats had been provided for those necessarily invited-
Cabinet and Foreign Ministers-there were no places at the disposal
of the staff of FUN. At the suggestion of The -Most Honourable
and Serene Excellency the Lord High FUN, Supreme Chief Chan-
cellor, and Head Archbishop of England, very little had been done in
the way of adorning the chapel, beyond some extra drapery.
When the ministers had been accommodated, after a slight delay,
arising from the HoN. B. DISRAELI'S accidentally sitting down in the
chair appropriated for LORD PALMERSTON, and being with dillioulty
persuaded to vacate it, there entered the AncHnrsnrp OF CANTIR-
BURY, and a number of other Church dignitaries, whom U1 N will
not delight by mentioning them in detail, because he has not forgiven
some of them for behaving badly lately.
After the clerical swells had been placed in position, IHER MAJESTY
THE QUEEN, attended by her Mistress of the Robes, who looked very
lovely, and her other lords and ladies in waiting, and accoinpanied by
the KING OF THE BELGIANS (who had been graciously received at
No. 80, Fleet-street, on the preceding evening), made her appearance,
and took her place as one of the sponsors. Then, when the KINO
OF THE BELGIANS, and that most charming of Princesses, PRINCESS
HELENA, had taken their seats as sponsors, the other godfathers and
godmothers were marshalled in by the Heralds.
The procession of sponsors included a host of continental Royalty
and Nobility, and His ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCE ALFRED, who
leant on the arm of The Most Honourable and Serene Excellency the
Lord High FUN, Supreme Chief Chancellor, and Head Archbishop of
England, with whom he conversed very affably, although requested
by the Lord High Ahnoner not to talk to the "Man at the Helm"
during divine service.
Then came the Royal procession, which was very magnificent.
There were Kings of Arms, and Equerries, and Comptrollers, and
Grooms, and Chamberlains, and quite a swarm of German Princes,
and that dear PRINCESS MARY OF CAMBRIDGE, who is the particular
pet of The Lord High FUN. The PRINCE and PRINCESS OF
WALES-and The Lord High FUN was moved to tears to see how
nice his adopted daughter ALEXANDA 'OF DENMARK looked-came
next, and then came Masters of Horses, and Buckhounds, and Bed-
chambers, and the Silver Warmingpan, and all the Sticks (except MR.
WARDE, of Drury-lano), and the Yeomen of the Guard, and MAliBUFF.
And when all these great personages had taken their station, the Royal
infant was brought in, preceded by Silver Pap-spoon and the Gold
Perambulator in waiting, and other infantile dignitaries.
At this moment a slight pause took place, which arose from the
PRINCE OF WALES making a last appeal to The Most Honourablo
and Serene Excellency the Lord High FUN, Supreme Chief Chan-
cellor, and Head Archbishop, to allow the babe to be called after him.
Although The Lord High FUN'S beloved adopted daughter joined
her petition with her royal spouse's, The Lord High FUN was com-
pelled, for reasons of State, to decline the intended honour. The
struggle cost him much, and his tears fell audibly on the marble.
The ARcHBISHOP OF CAMBRIDGE, with evident reluctance, and
still hoping that The Lord High FUN would relent, proceeded with
the ceremony. On reaching that portion of it at which the child is
named, he looked imploringly toward The Lord High FUN and winked.
But The Lord High FUN, sustained by a sense of duty, resisted his
entreaty, and even the beseeching looks of the QUEEN he most honours
and obeys. The Archbishop christened the infant ALBERT VICTOU."
His Royal Highness the Baby sneezed twice during the ceremony,
and when sprinkled with the water kicked slightly.
At the conclusion of the ceremony the party proceeded to the
green drawing-room, and partook of sumptuous collation, at which
the following toasts were given by the Lone STEWARD : H.R.H.
THE PRINCE ALBERT VICTOR OF WALES," H.M. THE KING OF
THE BELGIANS," "'H.M. THE KING OF DENMARK," THE QUEEN,"
"THE PRINCE and PRINCESS OF WALES," "The Lord High FUIN,"
and the rest of the Royal Family.
Immense crowds of persons assembled in the neighbourhood of the
palace to catch a sight of The Lord High FUN, who was loudly cheered
as he drove away in his magnificent chariot, drawn by eight splendid
horse-laughs, with twelve footmen behind in the well-known magenta
and gold livery. A largesse of Fifth Volumes was actually given
away for the nominal sum of four and sixpence each, in honour of
the occasion, and the whole ceremony passed off successfully.


_~









FUN.


[M.oCH 19, 1864.


A DISPUTED SWARM.
First Villager :-" Yourn ARE THEY ? WAAL, IF YE CAN SWEAR TO ANY ON 'EM, pick 'em out."


FUN'S ALIVE! VOLUME FIVE!
MAKE your game! The ball is rolling-
Rolling on through boundless space;
Nature's mystic laws controlling,
Keep it spinning in its place.
Make your game!
Be wise and merry-
Only fools look glum and sour.
Make your game !
A laugh's the very
Wisest way to pass an hour.
Here, into these pages dive,
PUN has published Volume Five.
Who'd be sad when FUN's alive-
FUN'S alive?

Make your game! From earliest ages
Laughter silvered wisdom's pill;
Aiod philosophers and sages
Find that plan the best one still.
Make your game!
Amid the laughter
Send truth's arrow home, and so
Make your game,
That men hereafter
Shall your mirth's deep wisdom know!
Read-and see how we contrive
Thus to do in Volume Five.
Wisdom lives while FuN's alive-
FUN's alive !


MARY TO ROBERT.
"The police are shortly to be supplied with frock-coats and felt helmets."- Vide
Daily Papers.
OH, ROBERT, deer objick of luv and regard,
On which I incessingly doat,
Oh, say as you will not yer MARY discard
When your cloath'd in yer fine new frok-coat.
You once said you luved me, and used for to walk
With yer MARY of Sundys you knows;
I trust yer perfeshuns won't turn out all talk,
And yer habbits be changed with yer close.
And when in an nelmet yer brow is encased,
Will it drive me cleen out of yer bed ?
Will you luv me as when with a hat shiny-glazed
(Where you kep cotton hankerchers red),
You went down on yer nees in the airey and vowed
You'd be mine as you nelt at my feat ?
And I trusted yer words, and was only too proud
To regale yer warm luv with cold meat !


GOVERNMENT ANNUITIES.-Invest four-and-sixpence in the fifth
half-yearly volume of PUN, and you will have immediate interest for
your money, besides being able to exclaim, "A new it is !" which will
be at once equivalent to your getting a fiver."
CERTAINLY.-May the good son of a good father be said to be
worthy of his sire?
Two IN ONE.-A servant-girl, who is often "the maid, and the
magpie," as well.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-March 19, 1E64.


10


- 1.








MARCH 26, 1864.]


FUTN.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHES AT THE PUBS.
T is almost time for us to leave
off speaking of the glorious
past," of the days of PITT
and CANNING. We have
among us a man who is de-
/ veloping, more and more
every hour, those grand quali-
ties of statesmanship for
which they were distin-
guished. WILLIAM EWART
GLADSTONE is the one earnest
and honest minister in a crowd
of triflers, and, thank heaven,
he has an intellect powerful
enough to support those
schemes for his country's
benefit which his noble heart
prompts. His Annuity Bill
is the work of a real friend
of the people, no matter how
his enemies attempt to decry
it. If it were only that it
freed the working man from
the tyranny of trades' unions
it would be admirable, but it
does more-it preserves his
earnings, the store for the
.V 'S dear ones for the dark day
L when the bread winner is
gone. The utterly rotten
system of friendly societies is
crushed by it at once, and if he can only extend the provisions of his
bill so as to take the place of benefit and sick clubs, he will still
further add to its efficacy. The publican takes his heavy per centage
on all such associations, and does not benefit them in other ways by
his invariable connection with them. The effect of GLADSTONE'S
speech on the bill, I am told by one who heard it (my duties having
called me elsewhere), was astonishing. As a rule members are not
influenced by anything said in the House; they have made their minds
up beforehand, and the oratorical work is merely formal. But in this
instance our political CHaYsoSTOM swayed the minds of his
auditors, and charmed the troubled waves of opposition with his
musical and magical utterances. Oh, he's a very big" man, indeed,
is GLADSTONE !
ALAS that princes in long clothes should not behave in a dignified
manner. HIs RoYAL HIGHNESS ALBERT VICTOR, on the occasion of
his christening, boo-hooed in a most uproarious manner, and made
quite a sensation among the fair sex, who, though clad in silks, satins,
and velvets, and jewels and coronets, were all flustered as much as
Mas. JONES, and MRS. BBOWN, and MRS. ROBINSON, to hear the
little dear cry so! The young prince appears to have the kingly
instincts, and determined to have a voice in the matter, even at this
early age.
WHY don't they make DILKE and COLE peers ? It really would
be a benefit to the country, for they would be quiet then, instead of
running about as they do now, thrusting their noses into everything
that offers them a chance of rubbing shoulders with the nobility.
Their last offence against decency is to be found in their conduct with
reference to the Horticultural Gardens. These gardens, which were
intended to promote the science of horticulture, they are now striving
to turn into a tea-garden for the nobility, where we shall ultimately
see these two gentlemen established at the head of kettle-boiling es-
tablishments, with a branch business in shrimps. Thus it is that here,
as at the Museum, the interests of art and science are trampled under
foot to bring snobbery on a footing with nobbery. And the impudence
of these people! With all the making of footmen in them, they are
not satisfied with the station for which Nature designed them, but
desire to be Dictators of Taste, Teachers of Art, Masters of Horti-
culture, and Jacks of All Trades. SIR WENTWORTH might have
rested content with his one horticultural invention-the giving of
prizes for bunches of flowers for table decoration. It was a notion
worthy of the dreams of an ambitious butler. He should not aim
farther-ne sutor. But he seems to have the soul of BOTTOM, the
weaver, and wants to play lion and moonshine, and THISBE (which
last part, by the way, he would speak with a very pretty accent), and
all the rest of the characters.
A SUGGESTION for the SHAKESPEARE Committee. A butterman in


Liverpool has set up a statue of the bard in butter in his shop window.
Why not make the Green Park monument of the same material P
It would answer all the purposes of the gentry who want to blazon
their own names, and would not last long to disgrease the country,
as an Irishman would say. Let them think of it!

WAR-CLOUDS.
ENGLAND'S BEST PEACE POLICY.
THERE'S a iar-cloud in the northward,
Where sternly stands the Dane,
With the spirit of his fathers,
Which was never called in vain.
He stands in silence waiting
The onset of the foe ;
In front, the Austro Prussian ranks,
Around the reddened snow.
The cloud is gloomy, England !
And even now it nears;
Still let your iron-clads be built,
Still call your volunteers !
There's a war-cloud in the southward,
Where VICTOR'S banner waves
O'er rank on rank whose comrades
Fill Solferino's graves;
O'er a gallant army panting
To rend Venetia's chains;
While Austria is burning
To hide Magenta's stains.
The cloud is heavy, England .
And grimly dark appears;
Still launch your stately liners,
Still call your volunteers !
There's a war-cloud by the Danube,
Whose gloomy shadows hide
The woe of bleeding Poland,
Whose patriots have died
A thousand gallant martyrs,
By bullet and by rod.
Amid a nation's anguish,
Which rises up to GoD,
The living still give battle,
Unmoved by craven fears;
Still arm your squadrons, England!
Still drill your volunteers !
There's a war-cloud in the westward,
Where a nation pour their blood
Like water; only hoping
That on that crimson flood
They will but float to freedom;
The weak as with the strong
Bear every trial-believing
That right will conquer wrong.
The cloud may gather, England !
Round you before it clears;
Then still fill up your regiments,
Still rank your volunteers !
The war-clouds fill the heaven,
Then be prepared for all;
Wait, mighty in your majesty,
Whatever chance befall.
Strike for the weak and injured;
Send o'er the tossing sea
Your war-ships by the hundred,
Manned by the strong and free;
Still cast your heavy cannon,
While aught of storm appears;
Still fill your regiments, musters!
Still call your volunteers !

The Right Man.
IT is rumoured that the Post-olfice department is to be reorganized,
and that the important post of secretary is to be filled by MR. COBDEN.
A capital appointment, for he proved himself a man of letters in his
correspondence with DELANE.

THERE'S NO DISPUTING THAT.-A fool may commit an error,but
it takes a wise man to own it.


VOL. VI. C


~I~









12 FT N [MARCH 26, i'86


MRS. AND MR. GRUNDY IN COUNCIL.
"THE curtains are drawn tight, JOHN,
And on the hob's your tea,
There is no club to-night, JOHN,
So talk a bit wi' me.
I want to know how matters go,
I seldom papers see;
So just, for once, abide a dunce;"
He chucked my chin, did G--,
"I will, old lass," says he.
"What's this about the malt, JOHN,
And won't they cheapen beer ?
It's MISTER GLADSTONE'S fault, JOHN,
The tax stays on, I hear:
We pay enough for brewers' stuff."
"My dear old girl," says G-- ,
"They're like to want all folks can grant."
"What! folks like you and me ?"
"Ay, all of us," says he.

"Black clouds are rolling up, mum;
Five million pounds a-year
Is what they get-(my cup, mum)-
Just out of malt for beer.
When near and far things look like war,
We'll soldiers want, you see;
Thought broke our backs, I'd pay more tax
To keep tlat square," says he.
"That's right," says I, JOHN G-."

"There'll be an awful row, mum,
In Europe by and by;
It's time, if ever, now, mum,
We kept our powder dry.
We can't get much at the fighting touch,
JoHN BULL likes peace, you see;
He keeps his house-but if they rouse
His dander-then there'll be
Some broken bones," says he.

"Them Danes is fighting hard, lass,
Worse odds than one to three;
There's war on every card, lass,
And that well knows LoDn P--.
Is Louis NAr. an artful chap?
I rather think," says G-,
"When folks fall out, there's little doubt
He'll pick up scraps-he'll be
Across the Rhine, you'll see.

"'Twill serve them Germans right, lass,
If Austrians will roam
'Gainst little folks to fight, lass,
When lots o' work's at home.
They'll find that Venice will cost them pennies,
And a tough nut Hun-ga-ry;
Galician Poland, too, is no land
For peace there long to be,"
Says my old man to me.
"Things is not as they was, wife,
When you and I was young;
Free thoughts at last they has, wife,
In every nation sprung.
The Russ and Pruss think not like us;
The Austrian despots three,
May make joint cause to lay their paws
On people's liberty;
And so hard knocks you'll see.
"JoHN BULL, meanwhile, looks on, lass-
They think lhe's getting stale,
His lion's pluck quite gone, lass;
When the lion wags his tail,
Then there's no doubt they'd best look out,
My dear old gal," says he;
"If curs give tongue, they'll find, ere long,
The lion's claws will be
An awkward sight to see!"


"Now God forbid," says I, "JOHN"
(My old man says "Amen!");
But while our powder's dry, JOHN,
We'll fight 'em one to ten."
"A quiet life, my dear old wife,
Is all we want," says G--.
"Things look alarming, so there's no harm in
Our being fit, you see,"
Says my old man to me.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
A LODGE-KEEPER.--Oh yes, curds and whey were the popular
food of the gods. Don't you remember these lines:
There's a power whose whey
Angel souls adore?"
DICK SPONARY.-It was DR. JOHNSON who was distinguished from
the other men of his day by liking to dine. This singular taste was the
theme of much comment, and when informed of this and of the general
anxiety to know what he drank with his dinner, he uttered the famous
bon-mot, "Comment, fou ? Porter, fo 1!"
MIrAu.--1. Yes. 2. No. 3. Go along with you.
A TAILOR.-1. Yes, we have no objection, at six months. 2. We
didn't ask you for any more credit. 3. Very well, then we shall make
a point of being out.
GEORGE wishes to know what he is to do under the following cir-
cumstances. He has won the love of MATILDA, but, on the other hand,
he is a poor blind boy, with a mania for disembowelling people with
red hair. Fortune (over which he had no control) deserted him, and
here ended the first lesson. The P. R. offered an opening for the dis-
play of the peculiar talents of which he is so justly proud, and having
been requested by sobe Gerbad freds to sig a little Gerbad sog, he bent
the foretops'l, and freckled himself all over. Now, shall he have a
statue? We give it up.
EMILY.-1. Ha! ha! 2. Ho! ho! 3. You puss! 4. No, you
musn't. 5. A parasitical plant which grows on the oak. 6. But what
would our wife say ? 7. Yes, it is very soft and silky, but don't wear
it in curls. 8. No, we don't think there is any harm in the waltzing
attitude. 9. We leave the FUN office at 5 p.m., and go due west. 10.
The nicest colour for a smoking cap is (we think) scarlet with gold
braid. But why do you ask ?
BETA.-Yes. The fashion of picking one's teeth with a carving
fork was introduced by FORKONBBIDGE. He is also remarkable for
never having said "die." Don't forget this.

The Last of the Lash.
AFTER the debate on the Mutiny Act, the lash is not likely to
flourish much longer above the heads of our soldiers. Its opponents
and its supporters were unanimous in doing all they could to advocate
its abrogation. But though the Lower House is becoming aware of
the public feeling on this point, the noble intellects in the House of
Peers have not yet fully awakened to the national loathing of this
disgraceful punishment. An attempt was actually made in the Lords
to extend its use the other day. Well, if the Lords want to lash
people, it is because they themselves whip creation for stupidity, and
an inability to discern the signs of the times. The felis flagellina vel
flagitiosa of un-Natural History will shortly be an extinct animal.

DRAMATIC GOSSIP.
THE DUKE DE MORNY has been reading to a circle of his intimate
friends an unpublished comedy of his own composition. As his grace
is not a genius, it is surmised that this is only his own life which has
lots of the comic-not to say farcical-element in it.

A Lankester Battery.
DR. LANKESTER, the worthy coroner, whose crusade against
crinoline is most spirited and unwearying, has ascertained that in three
years as many females have lost their lives by fire in the metropolis as
were sacrificed at Santiago. Most of the deaths, he says, were due to
crinoline. After this, perhaps it will be well for the "improvers of
occasions" to vary their texts. They have denounced the miserable
idolatry which numbered its victims by thousands at Santiago. Let
them now point out how disastrous is the miserable worship of fashion-
the suttee-superstition of steel skirts.
DOGMATIC.-A dog show is to be held in Ireland this month. Of
course it will be at the Cur-ragh!


1_11--1 1


I








MARCH 26, 1864.] F J N 13


ON PANTOMIMIC UNITIES.
No. 2.
TO THE EDITOR OF "fIUN."
IR,-In your number for the week
ending February 20th of the present
year, you did me the honour to insert
a communication on the subject of
Pantomimic Unities-an act, on your
part, which has had the effect of raising
you many degrees in my estimation;
I and if you will oblige me by inserting
another letter on the same subject, I
shall entertain the highest possible
opinion of you.
There appears to me to be no earthly
reason why the introduction and the
comic business of a pantomime should
be so utterly distant in thenature of the
interest excited as they are at present.
Why should not the transformation
reene take plae at some point of
o special interest in the centre of the
story selected, and the thread of the
plot be taken up by the pantomifit olbcrateys at the precise point at
which it was dropped by the perasaages in the op'eniftF ?"' Let us
take as an illustration of my meaniMng the story of OontotANUs,
which served me, in my last article, as a peg on whioh to hang my
remarks on the unities. Under the present system, the "opening"
weald consist of a burlesque on the story of CORIOLANUS, up to the
point at which (if SHAKESPEARE'S account is taken) he is murdered
by the Voiscians, on account of his leniency towards the Romans. At
this point, the Fairy Thingummy would appear,nd transform CoRno-
LAWTs into harlequin; his wife, VIRGILIA, into columbine; and his
mother, VOLUMNIA, into pantaloon; and TULLJS AtirIDIUS into
clown. Then all sorts of violent disruptions of unity would take
place, for although the previous scenes of the pantomime would be the
interior and exterior of Rome, or the camp of the Volsci, about 4S0
or 50O ,c. (I am writing from memory), the subsequent action would
take place principally in the London streets of the nineteenth century.
But, according to my plan, the story of CORIOLANUS would only be
followed (in its normal condition) to the date of his impeachment by
the tribunes of the people, in consequence of his refusal to consent to
the distribution of the Sicilian corn. Then the beautiful Fairy
Thingummy should make her appearance with the following appro-
priate lines ;-
"To stop the base ingratitude of Rome,
Come, all of you, unto my fairy home !"
Then the transformation should take
place, CORIOLANUs and VIRGILIA to harle-
quin and columbine, TULLUs AuFIDIUs
(who must be introduced, somehow, into the
plot before his time) and VOLUMNIA to
clown and pantaloon. Then let the story of .~
CORIOLANUS be taken up by the four I
pantomimic characters, and carried on as
nearly as the new relations established
between the principal characters will per-
mit.
And here let me call your attention to
the immense advantage of adhering (in the
transformation) to the original sex of the
transformed. You must have often remarked
that although the characters that are
changed into harlequin, columbine, and (in
most instances) clown, are respectively male,
female, and male respectively, the unfor-
tunate person destined to be a pantaloon is,
as often as not, a woman. Now, half a
minute's reflection will show the extreme
inconvenience which must, in all such cases,
be caused to the person so transformed. All
her tastes, pursuits, habits, and conversation
must be altered by her at a moment's
notice, and those of a vicious, elderly
person of the other sex immediately assumed.
In the present case, VOLUMNIA, who is a
highly-respectable Roman matron, moving
in excellent Roman society, and, no doubt,
as proper a middle-aged dowager as ever


sat under a fashionable Roman preacher, is required to turn herself
into a disreputable old blackguard, who finds in felony a daily occupa-
tion, and in murder an agreeable pastime; and this for no other fault
on her part than the being the only other principal character in the
tragedy. But you will observe by
the illustration I have appended,
that in my transformation I have
retained the sex of the respectable
VOLUMNIA, and I see no reason
why, to combine propriety with
unity, she should not be united in
holy matrimony with TULLUS
AurIDIns, the clown.
There are many other points in
the construction of a modern
pantomime which shriek aloud for
reform, and I shall take an early
opportunity of addressing you upon
them; and, in the meantime, allow
me to subscribe myself, as before,
UNITY IS STRENGTH.

LOVE'S LITTLE GAME.
I OFTEN think how stupid,
It is that that young CUPID,
Should make all this botheration in this world, world, world;
He doesn't care a rap,
How much blood he'll chance to tap,
From hearts wounded by the shafts lie has hurled, hurled, hurled.
Ie lurks about all day,
And should you cross his way,
He'll make you to remember it for years, years, years
He lurks about all night,
That your dreams lie may excite,
'Bout valentines, and myrtle sighs, and tears, tears, tears.
So I'll tell you what it is-
II this urchin had his wish,
He'd soon set us all a-going like a shot, shot, shot!
He'd let no soul be free
From his matrimony,
But shake us altogether in a lot, lot, lot.

Bravo, South Lambeth I
THE working men of South Lambeth have, unassisted, and unen-
cumbered by patronage, held an exhibition of works of art and
industry. A most creditable display it was--and all the things there'
were made in spare hours by the sons of labour, and their wives, and
daughters. All honour to the horny hands and busy brains I Let
us hope the example will be followed in other districts. Such proofs
of the intelligence and industry of the labouring classes will do far
more than the frothy advocacy of condescending Radical noblemen
and Advanced Liberal place-hunters to extort from Government the
franchise, which Labour deserves. Let the workmen inscribe over the
doors of their exhibitions the Laureate's lines:-
"Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control-
Thcse three alone lead ife to sovereign power I"

TELEOIAPIIIC INTELLIGENCE.
WE learn dpropos of the Government telegraph to India that the
MARIAN MOORE arrived safely at Bombay, with the first installment
of the cable. This is good news, for it is of the highest importance
that the cable should be securely moored.
MULTUM IN PARVO.
THESE eight brief words man's history give:
He lives, to die-and dies, to live !

BETWEEN US AND THE POST.- MR. JOHN TILLEY, who has been
appointed Secretary to the Post-oflice, is not related in any way to
"TILLY SLOWBOY;" and is also not to be in any way spoken of as of
no utility compared with that HILL he succeeded until he deserves it.
This to those it may concern.
THE THAMES AND ITS CON-TRIBUTAIIIES.-The commencement
of the long talked of Thames Embankment proves we should never
despair. Cement is at last to be seen along the banks of the river,
and this not only looks as if somebody was going to be hard at work,
but it also shows he meant to do it.


I









[MARCH 26, 1864.


FUN.


LL
Ha. .I I .ir .} .

/' I~l
11III'!;


LOOK AT HOME.
Irreverent Sweep:-" AIN'T E A JOLLY OLD GUY !"
[N.B.-It is supposed that the Cukrch Dignitary omitted the customary donation.


THE INUNDATION AT SHEFFIELD.
SILENCE creeping down the hill,
And the rhythm of the mill,
Closing with the day;
Waiting for the Sabbath sun,
Six days' honest labour done-
There the toil-worn lay.
Night came down on heavy sleep,
Tired men in slumber deep,
Take their hard-earned rest;
All the children are in bed,
And the infant rests its head
On the mother's breast.
Wakened now by gusty wind,
Moving off the tattered blind
From the broken pane;
Or some child perchance might start,
Then closer creep to mother's heart,
And go to sleep again.
In Sheffield valley thus they slept,
While tides of gathering waters crept
'Gainst fortress raised in vain;
Lashed into waves, with wild increase,
They fiercely clamour for release
Upon the silent plain.
Ho ho 'tis done; the earth banks heave,
With sullen roar the torrents cleave
The last remaining stay;
Ho ho King Death is out to-night,
He'll strew the records of his might
Along that doomed way.


An avalanche of unknown sound
Moans out its thunder on the ground-
The heavy sleepers sigh;
They feel a chill within their blood,
They wake to feel the raging flood
Carry them out to die.
The mighty wave, with plunging leap,
Pours its great volume down the steep,
To lick away the Old;
Springs forward with a trembling shout,
And things that were, it beareth out,
In giant gurgling fold.
And as it tears along its way,
It gathers up in fearful play
Great stones and trees unbound;
Then hurls them at the cottage doors,
And rushes through the bursting floors,
And carries out the drowned.
Through that desolated land
See a sorrow-stricken band,
Looking for the dead;
Blinded with tears they seek their lost,
Among the stones and sedges tossed,
To give them softer bed.

AN AMERCAN QUESTION AND ANSWER.-What kind of mutton
would best suit PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S taste ?-Why, "The South-
down," to be sure!
DISTRESSING OCCURRENCE.-The young woman whose modesty
was so much shocked the other day at the mention of a bare idea, has
been detected in the act of concealing the naked truth under afalse-
hood.







FUJN.-MAbOH 19, 1864.


SHEEP'S CLOTHING.'
Friend Nap. :--"WONDER HOW THEY'LL LIKE THIS COSTUME 1 'TAIN'T MUCI OF A
DISGUISE. WELL, WELL, I SHALL RETAIN MY LIBERTY OF ACTION."









MARCH 26, 1864.] F UT N 17


Jun in arliammitn.

HOUSE OP LORDS.-MoNDAY, MARCH 14TH.
LORD GRANVILLE, for once in his life, proved of great service to
the Upper House. On Friday next he should move for the Easter
holidays.
The EARL OF DERBY asked LORD WODEHOUSE to explain a
reported conversation between himself and the late Danish Minister.
EARL GRANVILLE, holding down LORD WODEHOUSE by the tails of
his coat, attempted to fence off any reply by the old fubsy dodges of
"irregular," "inconvenient," etc, etc. However, LORD WODEHOUSE
declined to creep into the nasty little burrow dug out for him, and
answered the question like a man.
EARL GRANVILLE gave noble lords to understand that GouTs-
CHAKOFF, the Russian MRS. G-AM, had not quite told the truth.
We should wonder if he had; the old party is not that way dispoged."
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
MR. LAYARD, in answer to LORD A. CHURCHILL, gave very painful
evidence as to the African Slave Trade. If some of our half-hearted,
continental brethren were honest enough to pass a law, giving them
power to flog those of their own land who traffic in human flesh, we
should find fewer villains to carry on the hideous trade.
SIR GEORGE GREY stated that a civil engineer had been appointed
by Government to assist the local authorities of Sheffield in the
investigation connected with the awful calamity. As ever, ready
to help the stricken and the sorrowing, our country stretches out its
hands to the bereaved and homeless of that desolated valley.
Just as we expected, the virtuous indignation about Kagosima was
a storm in a tea-cup. Those deep-voiced philanthropists, so loving
of savages, so careless of their kind, are always building up children's
card-houses.
LORD C. PAGET, on the little row of the naval estimates, read his
letter to Ma. BRIGHT, and Ma. B BIGHT'S reply, from which reply
we gathered that the honourable member for Birmingham, though
anxious to gratify LORD CLARENCE, was by no means anxious to
confess himself in the wrong.
Ma. ROEBUCK wished to know if the Government were ready to
prove their boasted neutrality, by remonstrating with the Federals for
enlisting men from Ireland, to fight those battles of which they them-
selves prefer to be spectators. MR. ROEBUCK weakened the force of
his appeal by proving the truth of his Tear-'em alias.
LORD PALMERSTON, who had been buttered by MB. ROEBUCK,
scraped off the butter as a very rancid thing when administered at
the expense of a colleague. LORD PALMERSTON was manly in taking
this ground, but we cannot call his answer to the question a satis-
factory one. Half the energy displayed in the seizure of the
Alexandra would have gone far to break the neck of the other
difficulty. SIR J. FERGUSSON held up the Federals as savages. Mn.
BBIGmT vomited all kinds of blue-fire in favour of the same. LORD
R. CECIL, who has got a way of clearing away fogs from simple
questions, just put the matter where it is. Our neutrality is to watch
the Confederates, and let the Federals do pretty much what they like.
MB. KINGLAKE hoped that America would not be angry with ME.
ROEBUCK. MR. CAIRD also held a Northern brief.
SIR L. PALK asked if we had written to France touching the
supposed complicity in MAzzINIAN assassination. Ma. HENNESSY,
following suit, read extracts from an amiable pamphlet, entitled
"The Theory of the Dagger;" a treatise in which out-throat
principles are dignified as patriotism. Ma. HENNESSY was desirous
of showing that a very ugly customer was taking refuge with us. ME.
FORSTER, who, for a man of his unquestionable abilities, has lately
been making a sad goose of himself, thought it highly improper to
attack the absent. ME. G. DUFF was anxious to inform the House
that he knew GENERAL MOURAVIEFF.
ME. DISRAELI snuffed out MR. FORSTER'S farthing dip. MR.
STANSFIELD apologized for the shuffled vote in naval estimates, took
all the blame on his own shoulders, and then asked for money. Mn.
LINDSAY wouldn't give it, and moved an amendment; which came to
the usual fate of Parliamentary economics.
HOUSE OF LORDS.--TESDAY.
The EABL OF ELLENBOROUGH asked, was it true that Austria and
Prussia had proposed an armistice, were they humbugs or not, and
would Denmark agree to treat with rogues as with honest men ? The
DUKE OF SOMERSET answered him as became him, for is he not
Chief Potentate of Red-tapedom? Then the lower animals had
their share of legislative attention, but if those beasts regard their
Malt Bill as a compliment to them, they are very misguided. It's
just a sprat to catch a whale, or rather a present of a sprat, so that the
whale may not be asked for.


HOUSE OF COMMONS.
Mn. HUBBARD said he should endeavour to make that savage old
cannibal Income Tax walk about in a more respectable way. MR.
D. PORTESCUE conceived it necessary to rake up the old subsided mud
of the CRAWLEY case, and moved for papers. Mu GRENFELL
seconded the motion because he paid taxes. LORD LOVAINE answered
Mn. FORTESCUE and the man who paid taxes, and FORTESCUE
and "Taxes" must have wished they had held their tongues,
especially when GENERAL PEEL, in a speech of great ability,
deprecated the ripping up of this past grievance as a gross injustice.
The MARQUIS OF HARTINGTON was cheered, but it was in
that unpleasant manner styled "ironical." LORD HOTIHIA ex-
plained why he had intended to move for other papers connected
with the case. FORTESCUE and his friend "Taxes" wanted
just what would suit their own book, and LOnU HOTHrnA was up to
that. MAJOR REILLY picked the nut out of the shell when he said
that to canvass the verdict of a court-martial was about as reasonable
as attacking a jury. SIR. J. FERGUSSON made FORTESCUE's bones
ache, and Taxes" was heard to groan that he (" Taxes") was-well,
a patient animal, not a horse. We agree with "Taxes." MR.
HEADLAM explained and defended his share and standing in the
prosecution, but was "prepared to say that, in ninety-nine cases out
of a hundred, justice was well administered in the army." MR.
MOWBRAY told the JUDGE-ADVOCATE GENERAL that he had been
too ready with his advice; and ME. SMOLLETT characterized MR.
FoRTESCUx'S small-beer thunder of last year as a sensation speech"
which had cost the country 20,000. MR. BOUVrlIUE thought that
the Member for Andover was satisfied with the court-martial finding;
but he of Andover held his peace. Several other members then pelted
FORTESCUE, who, if he had acted rightly, would have been as glad to
confess himself in the wrong, as he had been eager to declare himself
in the right. He said something which tried to be amiable, but it was
a sickly child which he presently strangled. No man had a better
chance of gaining a good position than MR. FORTESCUS in the
CEAWLEY case, but he has missed it through lack of courage.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-WEDNESDAY.
Noble lords got through five bills in ten minutes.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
In the debate on the Tests Abolition (Oxford) Bill, the CHAN-
CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER said that Oxford ought to take a leaf
out of the Cambridge book. If anything comes out of Mu.
DOELSON'S majority of 22, that will be the real order of the day.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-THUnsDAY.
EARL CHELMSFORD, on the CRAWLEY court-martial, expressed
himself satisfied with the dressing given in another place to those
gentlemen who are so angry because the verdict was something
different to what they expected.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
A painful and acrimonious debate took place on SIR H. STRACEY'S
motion, that the House take into serious consideration the late plot
of Greece. A difficulty has certainly been mot with weakness on
the part of MR. STANSFIELD. In private friendship he forgot his
public duty. His first explanation was the little too much and the
little too little, but when he gave it no one had the right to challenge
its absolute truth; and true it was, doubtless, but truth with reserva-
tion. Mn. STANSFIELD has got into dangerous company. We are no
admirers of tyranny, but we are less the admirers of the MAzZINI
doctrine. A close division took place on SIR H. STIACEY'S motion.
The Government are not far off paying dearly for a well-intentioned
manms imprudence-171 to 161.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-FRIDAY.
EARL RUSSELL asked the EARL OF ELLENBOROUGII to let him off
until after Easter, and ELLENBOROUGH yielded, with the expression
of a fear that when he did bring on his motion, it would be locking
the door when the steed was stolen. The MARQUIS OF CLANRICARDE
called attention to the rascally Irish enlistment. EARL RUSSELL
blew his own trumpet, but it was a little squeak he gave, and the
EARL OF DONOUGHMORE pointed him out as a fine illustration of
fast and loose. The noble lords then poked one another in the ribs,
and the House adjourned for the Easter holidays.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
LORD ELCHO wished to know if MR. STANSFIELD was to pack up
his traps and say good-bye to office. LoRD PALMERSTON said, no;
and MR. B. OSBORNE thought that the House delighted in those
very personalities which they whirel about as painful. The hon.
member was right, but MR. STANSFIELD has learnt a little lesson
which he is not likely to forget in a hurry.


I










18 FU N. [MAH 26, 1864.


THE BARON KLOPFZETTERHEIM;
on,
THE BEAUTIFUL BERTHA AND THE BIG BAD
BROTHERS OF BONN.

IS time now, I grieve, to my story
A to weave two who love to de-
S ceive and to plunder and thieve,
k., And this, by your leave, I'll at-
tempt to achieve in a style, I
believe, known as recitative.

I '- A neighboring Pfalzgraf had
three sons, and he in armour
glistened 'em;
S) RUPERT, CARL,and OTTO, as their
noble father christened 'em.
SIn Christendom than OTTO you
would hardly find a finer
knight ;
He set the women's hearts a-fire,
which blazed away like pine
a-light.
To gain him, all the German mo-
others tried the worst rascalities,
For he possessed the greatest of
the German principalities;
In fact, it brought him clear
THREE HUNDRED POUNDS A YEAR-
Enough, we know, to sanction matrimonial formalities.
Now as RUPERT was eldest, and CABL was the second,
And OTTO the youngest, I'll swear you'll have reckoned
That RUPERT and CARL were, to say the least, quite on
A par, as to evil,
With ROBERT the Devil,
And OTTO a second edition of CRICHTON.
In legends we know
That it always is so:
The eldest sons, villains unheard of are thought to be;
The youngest, however, is just what he ought to be.
OTTO was graceful, and slender, and tall,
While RUPERT and CARL were as round as a ball.
OTTO was handsome and neat as a pin,
While RUPERT and CARL were as ugly as sin.

Now RUPERT and OTTO and CARL one day,
As home from hunting they made their way,
They entered the wine-merchant's cabaret;
Two brandies and water were brought on a tray
(For excellent OTTO
Knew he ought not to
Drink anything stronger than curds and whey);
Then listened awhile to the gossiping host,
Who merrily told
Of the miserly old
Baron KLOPFZETTERHEIM, rolling in gold-
Of his recent endeavour
To get wine, and never
Pay nobody not even nothing whatever;
Telling them further,
How nowhere on earth a
More opposite creature existed than BERTHA
(His amiable daughter),
How lovely all thought her,
And how he drove off all the nobles who sought her.

Now OTTO and CARL were cunning and bold,
And resolved to get hold
Of the jewels and gold,
In which it was said that KLOPFZETTERHEIM rolled.
But OTTO was cast in a different mould,
And couldn't help thinking of what he was told
Of the beautiful BERTHA, shut up by her old
Unpopular father
(Proprietor, rather);
So high-minded OTTO
Remarked vocee sotto),
"These matters a pretty condition have got to;


Quite free from this fetter I'm
Resolved for to set her-I'm
Dashed if I'll suffer the LoaD oF KLOPFZETTERHEIM
Thus to imprison
So lovely a miss, on
The highly illogical plea that she's his'n."


Now the two elder brothers resolved to confide
In the landlord, and promised with him to divide
The results, if he'd let them bide inside
Two barrels, and so to the castle ride,
To the Baron's old Rhenish hall,
As though 'twere the liquor so rudely denied
To the Baron's old seneschal.
So each of these worthies was packed in a barrel,
But what with their size and their flowing apparel,
'Twas such a tight fit,
That they couldn't e'en sit,
Turn, stoop down, or change their position a bit;
Only waiting to ask
For a lantern and mask,
They ordered the landlord to head in the cask."


(To be continued.)

The Tax Collector.
THIS enemy of the human race is so universally hated, that now
and then, having got in all the rates of his parish, he pockets
them and bolts to a clime where he may escape the black looks of the
dunned. By so doing, he also avenges himself on the parish, for the
ratepayers have to make up his defalcations, and pay the rates
twice over. Let those injured people, therefore, look with favour on
GLADSTONE'S Bill for the Collection of Taxes. In that it is provided
that when this duty is transferred to the Inland Revenue, parishes
shall cease to be liable for the deficiencies arising from default or
failure of collectors. This is a step in the rate direction!

The Judgment of Paris."
WE extract the following passage from the correspondent's letter
of a fashionable contemporary:-
Yesterday a grand dinner was given to the Joles Femmes de Paris, whereat the
Empress presided, and to which none were invited but those entitled by beauty
alone to the distinction."
This is The Judgment of Paris" with a vengeance! We should
like to know who the unhappy chamberlain was who had to decide on
the beauties. Like that of his prototype his selection would be certain
to end un-apple-ly for himself. We should hardly have believed
that such an invidious institution would have been permitted in
gallant France.:

A SHEEPISH QUESTION.-Will ewe marry me ?








MARCH 26, 1864.]


FUN.


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
(PICKED UP By OUR OWN MOUCHARD.")
BBOWN (log.).-Jonxs, what is the German Diet ?
JoNEs.-Properly speaking it is a Parliament of all the German
States, though at present, with the exception of Austria and Prussia,
who are trying to make a meal of Denmark, the Diet of the rest of
the Statesis "humble pie."
BROWN.-Ah, that accounts for their being so crusty with England.

JONES.-So. the English Opera closed last week; the speculation
not having turned out a success.
BBowN.-You're wrong-it has turned out a success.
JONES.-HoW so ?
BEowN.-Thus: Success has been turned completely out of the
theatre, empty benches and paper come in, and the house closes.

BRowN.-Is the Alabama a, clipper ?
JONES.-Of course she is. But why do you ask ?
BEowN.-Well, I thought she must be a lighter, as we always hear
of her burning all the ships she takes.

JONES.-So Parliament won't let London be cut up by the railway
companies. But I know who will be.
BRowN.-Who ?
JONEs.-Why, the shareholders, of course, by the decision.

WANTED, AN EXPLANATION.
To THE EDITOR OF FUN.
SIR,-I am a moral man, an Englishman, and in trade. You will
therefore, understand that I go to church, and read my Times, although
I do not understand all the articles of that noble paper. I say noble,
sir, because I hear it is a great property, and anything that pays must
be noble. I hear your periodical is in a similar condition; and I,
therefore, address myself to you. Insolvency I regard as immoral,
and all connection with it is to be avoided by every man who pays his
way and looks after his own interests. At least, such are my ideas.
They may be right, or they may be wrong. I think them the former.
Now, sir, I have often remarked in the parliamentary reports, which
I also carefully read every day, the following expression on the intro-
duction of a new member:-" Mr.- took the oaths and his seat."
Good heavens! sir (if I may be allowed the expression, which, as a
moral man, I own is strong), can this be really true ? Blasphemy is
punishable by Act of Parliament, and yet our legislators, on entering
upon their parliamentary functions, commence their duties by infringing
the laws they themselves are called upon to sanction. And not one
infraction only, but an unlimited number, for the report invariably says
Soaths ", And this is called a Christian country Sir, as a vestryman,
I know to what lengths freedom of speech will go in a debate. Did
not JoNEs, a malignant, crawling reptile, who always makes a point
of opposing any necessary proposal for retrenchment I may make,
such as watering the paupers' soup, or reducing the doctor's salary
-did not JONES, I say, but yesterday, term me an imbecile screw ?"
But swear !-no! never Any man attempting such a thing in our
vestry would be put down, sir, in a way that would astonish him.
Yet in Parliament it is not only tolerated, but even regarded as a
necessary proceeding.
This, sir, demands an explanation, and I call upon you to give it.
Yours sternly,
JOSIAH MUGGINS.
[Note by the Editor.-Our correspondent is a donkey.]

OH, INDEED
HERE'S an important paragraph:-
"" The following gentlemen have been added to the National SHAKESPEA]RE Com-
mittee:-CTvus FIELD, ESQ., New York; J. P. LAaArTA, ESQ., Cadiz; JOBs E.
IvTson, ESQ., Jerez; and N. F. PALMER, ESQ.
MR. SMITH will surely be the next adhesion announced, and pro-
bably the names of MESSES. BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON will be
published in due time. In the meanwhile, we may be pardoned for
asking who on earth these gentlemen are ? and what they have done
that such a solemn announcement of their admission to the Irrational
Meddle and Muddle Association should be made ?

HARROWING TO THE FELINES.-Is the "singing" of a cat
involuntary, or is it done on purr-puss ?
THE WEST MIDDLESEX RIFLES.-As this corps has so greatly
distinguished itself in the "county matches," it is for the future to
be called the Best Middlesex !


THE LIE OF A LIFETIME;
on,
RANDOM READINGS OF TRAITOROUS TRAITS, PAST PASSAGES AND
PRESENT PROSPECTS,
or
THE MODERN AUGUSTUS.
A SERIOUS SERIAL IN SEVERAL SECTIONS.

SECTION THE TENTH.
.Mexico; Austlorship; Diplomacy.
THEN Gallia's gallant troops sailed forth, across the Atlantic wave,
To earn-for CJsSA--glory; for themselves-a foreign grave:
For stricken down by fever, hundreds perished day by day;
While victories (by telegraph) kept Paris blithe and gay.
Yet, not quite marble, his cold heart; not quite undimmed his eyes:
NAPOLEON for his army grieves; but, 'tis for fear the prize
He covets should elude his grasp; for fear some dread defeat
Should deal a far more fatal blow than Moscow's sad retreat
Inflicted on his Uncle's power: to ward off such mischance,
He kidnaps Egypt's dusky sons to screen the troops of France !
And dares to justify the deed by statements wild and vague,
That these poor victims are inured to fever and the plague.
Like FAUST (until the bond expires), successful once again,
In saved, but conquered Mexico, he next restores the reign
Of the sorded, popish priestcraft (whom INARlEZ had spurned):
The vulture kin of those who late at Santiago burned
Their duped, deluded devotees; then met the wailing plaint
That rose around, with sneering cant, "each loved one is a saint."
* *
S S *
Nor stays the victor's kindness and consideration hero;
On another crushed Republic it is his will to rear
An empire; that its crown and throne may prove a cogent bribe
Wherewith to buy the friendship of the Hapsburg's haughty tribe;
And thus mature the selfish scheme at Villafranca born,
And thrice baptized in blood and tears that Gallia bleeding, torn,
And prostrate at his feet has shed. Yet, e'en the trampled worm
Will turn at length; the tyrant finds, with dread, the growing germ
Of opposition planted firm within the ballot-box:
A weed, perchance, but one whose growth his direst effort mocks;
And, spite coercion, growsapace; and spreading wide its roots
Beneath the surface, high above brings forth its bitter fruits.
* S *


Ambitious of an author's fame, while thus in foreign land
France bleeds to serve the selfish theme he has so foully planned,
The "Life of CjESAa" he compiles (a life that 3BUTUS took,
When its great owner in his pride and selfishness forsook
His duty and his plighted oath; and though so foul a deed
No exigence can justify, no nation's greatest need
Can screen from reprobation, from loathing, and from scorn,
Yet that such deeds have erst been done might well a tyrant warn).
Meanwhile, ere this ambitious work had reached its final stage,
And ere the Cortes' legions ceased defensive war to wage,
The famous French academy, through death, one vacant seat
Had by elective choice to fill from literature's elite."
Of course this post was coveted; but, anxious for effect,
It was his vain ambition that that body should elect
Him-not for arms nor authorship alone, but both combined;
For power to wield the martial sword, and pen the sword of mind;
That some complaisant parasite might, when he took his place,
In oily tones announce him as THE CjESAR of his race.
To compass this, it was his aim their choice just now to stay,
And by a non-elective poll to gain six months delay.
Diplomacy and intrigue failed; the petty scheme recoiled;
Procrastination's fatal aid its mean employer foiled.
The seat was filled-the chance was lost; despite the wily plan
The proud usurper saw himself, for once, a baffled man.
Meantime he found, like FRANKENSTEIN, the thing he dared create
Become his foe-the NEMESIS of all his future fate;
For growing stronger, sterner, in the consciousness of might,
Reform erst taken as a boon, was now claimed as a right.
Reduced finance forbad fresh wars; yet, something must be tried
To check the swift on-coming of French freedom's rising tide;
Which dared to touch his royal robe, as long, long years before,
The sea advanced on proud CANUTE, and drove him from the shore.
EUREKA Empire lives by peace (when warlike hopes are vain);
So views of CONGRESS next employed NAPOLEON's restless brain.


19


-~~~~~~--- ~~----------








20 F U N. [Mo 26, 1864.


BANTING v. FAT.
This is SQUIRE DE BOLUS, who was such a nice, plump little gentleman. In the late frost he tried a course of Banting,"
and here's a pretty go!


THE FATE OF THE PAT.
A LEGENDARY LYRIC AFTER "BANTING."
THERE'S a bother, no doubt, in becoming too stout,
Your tailor must double his charge;
And there's always a fuss in a cab, or abus,
When admitting a gentleman large.
So BANTING, one day, in a bantering way,
Says, I've suffered from this, but I mean
To get soon rid of that mere superfluous fat,
Which makes us with any one lean.
"I'll get my support from a different sort
Of fare to the one I have had;
Bread, butter, and beer, and potatoes, I fear,
And sugar, are all of them bad."
So by leaving off these, he's no longer obese,
But has thinned himself down to excess;
And the records which state his old weight to be great,
Point out the new way to be less.
He brings out a book, and the whim of it took,
Disciples he gets by the score,
Each pupil he hath grows as thin as a lath,
Though fat he was getting before.
But rumour, unquiet, this change in his diet,
Declared had the patient removed;
When BANTING replied, as he never had died,
That the statement remained to be proved.
A very fat friend asked the writer to lend
Him a trifle, this movement to try;
He did it, and then this once fattest of men
Got speedily lost to the eye.
It's supposed that he grew, every day to the view,
Thin and thinner in muscle and joint;
Till just at the time that he came to his prime,
He got to the vanishing point.


Permissive Pumps.
THE teetotallers have been allowed to bring in their Permissive Bill!
Of course the House only granted this because the session is rather
dull, and of all the things which promise a laugh, this ridiculous pump
legislation offers most sport. That any serious steps will be taken is
impossible; we have only to look at poor LAwsoN and SoxEs, the
temperance apostles, to be assured that Parliament cannot be led by
such watery brains. But really, Parliament should not encourage
these lunatics, for they become troublesome; and, though we like
M.P.'s to have their joke, there is a limit to all things. When it is
remembered that the House is supplied with FUN, there is still less
excuse for them, unless they are so imbued with a desire for mirth by
those comic pages that they will have it at any price. If so, we shall
have to stop the supply. In the meantime, we have only to remind
our readers of Mx. SALA'S graphic pictures of the working of the
permissive bill in America to convince them that it can never become
law in England.

"Huroo Boys! Now for a Foight!"
THE O'DONOOGHUE has issued an address to the "young men of
Dublin," calling on them to associate with him in the enrolment of a
"Citizens' Meeting Volunteer Guard," for the maintenance of order
and regularity at public assemblies for patriotic purposes. Pat-riot-ic
purposes with a vengeance For, of course, such an embodiment
ensures one side for a quarrel, and it won't be hard to find another in
Ireland. Any more truly Hibernian method for insuring a shindy in
the interests of peace we never met with. The Volunteer Guard must,
of course, have a uniform; may we suggest that the tails of the coats
should be made long enough for convenient treading on ?

A QUESTION FOR THE ABOLITIONISTS.-Is a "sable muff" a man
and a brother -
THE "TIP" FOR A DERBY PROPHET.-The tip of your boot.
THE LAST CHANGE OF NAME.--SIR Mortar PETO.


rianted by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-March 26, 186H.








APRIL 2, 1864.] F U N. 21


THE BARON KLOPFZETTERHEIM;
OB,
THE BEAUTIFUL BERTHA AND THE BIG BAD
BROTHERS OF BONN.
OOD OTTO, not knowing
What matters were doing,
Or thinking in which way the wind
it was blowing,
Paid what was owing
For Ntat they'd been stowing
Away in their waistcoats then
thought about going,
S When he saw at the door
A wine cart with four
Strong horses attached, and of
Rhenish a store;
And on asking the host-,
How now lay the coast,
Was astonished to find
That he'd quite changed his mind,
And was going to send both the wine and the car on
To his lordship and eminent highness the baron.
Now being a brave and intelligent unit, he
Thought he could see a first-rate opportunity
Of seeing Miss BERTHA with perfect impunity.
It was not to be lost;
So he said to the host,
"If you'll dress me like one of your active young draymen
(I'm sure I shall look like a chick of the same hen),
I'll pay you right nobly, as I always pay men."
The host, though the most irreligious of laymen,
Responded to this with a clerical "Amen;"
And quickly equipped him,
Be-frocked and be-whipped him,
And OTTO, on his part, unsparingly tipped him,
Then started away,
With the wine in the dray,
Completely disguised in his drayman's array.
But pondering arter
The baron's fair darter,
He failed to remember his role as a carter,
And nearly created the dickens's own "to do,"




















Although I may tell
You, he knew very well
That a modest appeal at the area bell
0






TWould, in his new line of life, better have fitted him,
As the funkeys with justice remarked, who admitted him-a bang,
Add ing some curses which nearly concerned his eyes



But OTTO, the mild, from these wicked men turned his eyes,
SgContented with gen visitors onsigning to Bath them as
Although I may tell
You, he knew very well


Hurled a modest his hea those unholy anathemas



The BARON KLOPFZETTERHEIM-
Deeply in debt, or I'm
Greatly deceived (how these German names fetter rhyme !)-


Opened his eyes
With excessive surprise,
As he saw the two casks of respectable size


With Rhenish replete; and he opened them wider
When OTTO suggested, by way of a rider,
His master's (the wine merchant's) deepest regret
(Expressed in a note for his lordship's perusal)
That his foreman had let
A ridiculous debt
Occasion the baron so coarse a refusal;
*But as it was done without even his knowledge, he
Trusted the baron would take his apology
In the way it was meant,
For the wine he'd have sent
In a second (the shortest space known in horology).
The baron, delighted, was easily pacified,
For when Rhenish fails
He falls back upon ales,
And gets-p'raps not tipsy, butjust rather BAss-ifed
(The stages of drink are not easily classified-
I'm speaking or writing about it, just as if I'd
Studied a failing, which horrid and fell I call);
In short, he was just in a humour angelical.
So he ordered Sin OTTO to take down each cask
To the cellar, and told off Miss B. to the task
Of watching it's storing
In wine cellar, roaring
And shaking his stick at poor OTTO (a penny thing);
He told her to watch lest he pocketed anything.
OTTO goes to the cellar
With BERTHA la bella
(Who, like a good girl, always does what you tell hor),
Assisted by many a half-starved retainer;
But lost to his duty
In BERTHA's great beauty
(Many men have been dazzled by many a plainer),
He made a mistake that he didn't observe-he
Placed each of the casks on the ground topsyturvy,
And the horrible consequence was, that instead
Of his feet, his two brothers stood each on his head!


"ALL IS VANITY," saith THE PREACHER.-Yes; but what does
the preacher think? This question occurred to us a few days ago,
when we saw an episcopal equipage literally groaning with mitres,
&c., &c., &c,; and then we couldn't help reflecting that a bishop
should be more easily recognized by his demeanour than his carriagel


VOL. VI. D








,.* U .Nu ".. L-,J ..


T TE y. tell that the Tory Premier will be not DERBY, but Dizzy! Yes,
AT THE DISEAELI is to be Prime Minister-mark my words-and if England
A MORE enlightened Lord Chamberlain has seen fit to abolish the likes the prospect, why the sooner it turns out PAM the better. I am
old anomaly of making the week before Easter a time of theatrical no lover-of the crafty Whig lord, but he is better than the distin-
penance for the metropolis, whilst out of his jurisdiction of twenty guished Caucasian!
miles round London, Thalia and Melpomene might hold their levees I HEAR the Government Annuities Bill will be strongly opposed,
unreproved. It is not more than a year or two since the actor was though on its introduction GLADSTONE silenced his enemies
degraded below the level of the acrobat, for the tragedian was exiled completely. It will be, perhaps, as well for the working man to re-
from the boards to make room for the tumbler, and CIRISTY'S member that the propounder of this scheme is the statesman to whom
Minstrels rushed in where HAMLET feared to tread. If the player he owes the French Treaty and the Post Office Savings Banks. Those
could not open his mouth, it was, of course, quite unnecessary to be who oppose it are his old friends, the Tories, the Protectionists, who
anxious about his having anything to put into it. If stern necessity never gave him an advantage without grudging it, or allowed any one
compelled him to earn something during the week by the exercise of else to confer a benefit on him without trying to thwart it. Having
his vocation, he could get into the country and take a "fast" train, as conLidered these two sides of the question, the working man will be
most appropriate to the time; but as the expenditure generally ex- wise enough, I hope, to shut his ears to the nonsense about Govern-
ceeded the receipts, there was not often much gained by the move. ment interference and centralization. When he sees the Tories pre-
The morality of the metropolis was, however, thought to be sufficiently tending to look after his interests, he may quote a Latin saying, so
secured if the drama was only kept out of it for five nights, and the trite that even he knows the meaning, though he never learnt the
observance of puritanical decorum was considered properly preserved "as in presenti" and may say to his Tory friends, Timeo Danaos et
if the stage was converted into an arena for dogs and monkeys and dona ferentes. Who would be a laureate ? It is a place that will
posturers and imposturers. The conjuror borrowed your watch to suit no one but the TUPPERS and CLOSES. See what a depressing
impress upon you it was Lent;" on orreries' head orreries accumu- effect it has had on poor TENNYSON! He has written a quatrain for
lated, and the demands of Exeter Hall were complied with. In the the statue of the Duchess of Kent. Here it is:-
dramatic as in the social world, we have lived to see things occur "Long as the heart beats life within her breast,
which our fathers would not have believed. We have seen the Thy child will bless thee, guardian, mother mild,
theatres open in Passion week, we have seen dramas that have been And far away thy memory will be blest,
the more run after for the long run they have had before, and we have By children of the children of thy child."
seen the most extraordinary sight of all-Mn. W. S. WooDIN: This is poor stuff for the author of the Idylls! PEGASUS does not
Into how many fractions this popular Unit may be divided, we must seem to go smoothly in a state carriage. Let us hope the new volume
leave MR. BABBAGE, in his quiet moments, to calculate. He goes promised us will remove the impression produced by these lines, which
through more organic changes than the mind of the great mathe- are not above the New Road average, or the old country churchyard
matician himself. Like the figure in the Fantoccini, he seems capable style.
of shaking off his limbs and turning each separate member into a So PAUL BEDFORD is going to publish his autobiography? I bel-
living, speaking, singing, and dancing entity. We have just seen but no! I have heard that remark before. I wish his book success,
him at the Polygraphic Hall, that has come into the possession of and hope the life of BEDFORD will not pall upon the public taste. By
great ornamental property through the return of the rightful owner, the bye, if you haven't heard the last riddle I hope it won't make you
represent three gentlemen at once, like MRs. MALAPROP'S CERBERUS, ill :-Why is it impossible to say that his acting is "no great shakes?"
and embody a lady at the same time. We have seen him on Because it's always thePAUL, see!
the same night embody thirty distinct characters, speak in THE QUEEN has given 200 to the subscription for the poor people
twenty different languages, with one hundred and fifty at Sheffield. What was Parliament doing, that it did not grant a
voices, and dance and sing like anything, or anybody, in small sum forthe unhappy sufferers? What was it doing? Why,
a manner surpassing anything ever done before by anybody. baiting STANSFELD and harking SHERIDAN on to attack GLADSTONE.
He is emphatically the man best known by the company he keeps, It seems to prefer being uncharitable to being charitable. However,
and as the entire company lie keeps is represetedby himself, he may Sheffield will be quite well off without Government aid. But there is
be called the representative of the largest constituency ever known, one question to be settled. How is the female British public to be
In the course of two merry hours lie becomes of all ages, both sexes, supplied with crinoline after such a destruction of mills ? It kept
and all nations, and of every form and size. He conjures with him- the whole town hard at work to supply it before, but what will be
self, and puts himself in half a dozen places in half a dozen seconds, done after the deluge ? Perhaps the water will, as usual, put out the
PROTEUS comes bodily out of the heathen mythology and proves he fires, and Coroner LuANESTER will not have so many inquests.
is no myth, but a popular entertainer. Everybody must rush to the
Polygraphic Hall and see how WOODIN can personate everybody. THE TRIUMPH OF THE YEOMANRY.
He has one penalty to pay for popularity, for even the street sweeper E TR THE YE N Y
wouldn't believe his reply as he traversed the crossing, that he hadn't AN ESTRACT IBOm "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT YEOM(EN)."
any change about him. In his "ELOPEMENT EXTRAORDINARY" he will Ho! trumpets sound our triumph !
run away with the whole town, and in his BACHELOR'S Box" he will PAM, licked, has given way;
give the public a treat that they have never even dreamed of enjoying For the Yeomanry,
before. THE ODD MAN. He doth agree,
Shall have their week's display.
TOWN TALK. And since he's floored, we win did,
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBS. Then let us shout and bawl-
"o, 1 Our enemies, we floor 'em,
WELL done, the Independent Liberals! The scrimmage in the Like sons ofees so tall "
House over the MAzzINI business reflected little credit on any save the
members below the gangway on the Ministerial side. MR. STANSFELD, Each Yeoman wears a helmet,
certainly, did not come out of the difficulty gracefully, but the Oppo- To guard from cracks his crown;
sition behaved in a way that was simply scandalous. But the speeches On steed, but now
of BRIGHT and OSBORNE were manly and honest, and they took Released from plough,
the weaker side boldly. I congratulate Birmingham on this lucid He sits with valiant frown.
interval, and think Liskeard ought to feel proud of her representative. While flows an English river,
CHARLES BULLER himself could not have spoken better. But While stands an English hill,
nbw that it is all over, and the school has broken up for the The week the Yeomanry are out
Easter vacation, I hope PAM will call MASTER STANSFELD into the Shall have great honour still!
study and warn him against playing with edge-tools in future. Gay arethe Rifle meetings,
Government is not so very safe on the Treasury benches, and cannot Gailitiarfmsters gay,
afford to run risks for the private hobbies of its members, and especially But still the week
its junior ones. s week
its junior ones. When our trumpets squeak
BY the bye, I hear on all sides that next Session will turn the Is England's grandest day
ministry out, under any circumstances. I doubt it. Of course PAM will In spite of PM rand GLADSTONE,
go to the country, for the present Parliament is DERBY's, not his; We'll keep that solemn feast;
and if he goes to the country, and the country throws him over, all I Or else e'll know the reason-
can say is, the country will deserve all it gets. For I venture to fore- Or try to do, at least!


I








APRIL 2, 1864.] F U N. 23 [


MODERN HISTORIES IN. VERSE.
No. 9.-DoRsET DIVINITY.
THE dwellers in London, it must be confessed,
Hold in sovereign contempt those who live in the west;
By this understand.
The west of the land,
And not the West-end of'their city so grand,
Where the broughams, and greys silver-harnessti stand
In front of the doors of these born to command,"
And the troops yclept household," with ouiase and brand,
Their solemn watch keep, by nuirse-maidens s anned;
Nor the park where the 'bo
(Perhaps the best in the lad),,
Surpassing the harpers by sun and wind tmaaae
That on visiting Brighton one meets on the ~aas
Discourses the music in greatest demand;
Nor even that city-ward portion, the Strand,
So sacred te squills
And ointment and pills;
Nor the classical regions that's styled CraibouerD yk
The centre round which pretty milliners rally,
Engaged in the building of 'bonnet or corset-
But the westerly osmmny, denominate Dorset.
Now ,ar LADY Ha QnIEsN,
Through her (council, f ween,
Had named DR. STANLSEY as Westminster's dean;
And;as far as I know,
Nonein Broad, ]Hih, torLBw,
Ha' much hitter .dlaims to preferment to show;
He had stnfiiedfat College, and honourss*btaied;
He was a&hurdh clergyman, duly ordained;
Bx-professar-of Oxford, installed with due state,
Examiniug-cha~lain to suave DR. TAIT;
And -the trusted adviser of ALBERT OF WALES,
When roaming o'er Palestine's manfaians and 'vales;
He'd ascended Mount Carmel, and preached on Mouat lemon,
'Fore his Highness and suite, a most excellent sermon.
And though all men loyal 'to Church and the QUEEN
Where delighted with STANLEY, as Westminster's dean,
Yet the Dorset wise men,
With speech and with pen,
'Came forth to do battle from hill and from glen.
The dean's written works they denounced as heretical,
Quite as bad as COLENSO'S, though not arithmetical;
And demanded (in terms which, although Dorset piety
Sanctions, are banished from courteous society)
The immediate removal of Westminster's dean,
In order to gratify their envious spleen.
And the clergy of Dorset, to cheer on the throng,
In lieu of a battle-cry chanted this song :-
"Attack the new-appointed dean !
Whate'er his tenets may have been,
We'll try to oust him from the scene,
Although it isn't manly.
What right had PALMERSTON to throw
His favours to the Broad Church so ?
But Dorset will defend the Low, .
And pitch it into STANLEY.
"Were Dorset clergy ever wrong ?
We'll bring forth accusations strong-
He cannot hold his office long;
Hurrah, we're off to Hanley!
Then let our county swell the song,
And laymen round their clergy throng;
.Sure PALMERSTON did very wrong
To make a dean of STAwLEY."
IPray pardon the bard, if he stops in the history,
To endeavour to find out a clue to the imystary,
Why the clergy of Dorset protested with spleen
Against the appointment of Westminster's dean,
And thanked CANON WonDSwo TH for "faithful and n3 i ,"
And decidedly Christian objection to STANLEY.
Will the reader, perusing .the bard's lucubration,
Forgive him for using a quaint illustration.
As the story-books say:
On a very fine day,
The boys at a boarding-school went out to play,
And some wished for football, and others for cricket,


A few declared rounders exactly the ticket;"
And each shouldered bow, or target, or bat,
Till parties were made up to play this or that.
Though no master was there to keep strict watch o'er 'em,
Their proceedings were marked by the greatest decorum;
Till boy Number One (who was hearty and hale-
In fact, quite a HERCULES on a small scale-
With cakes, pies, and apples, and plums to bestow
On all who'd side with him in weal or in woe),
Struck boy Number Two such a terrible blow,
That at Number One's feet he was quickly laid low;
But rising again, like the hero of old,
He gathered fresh strength from embracing the mould-
Stood proudly erect, and attacked Number One,
And punished him soundly as ever he'd done.
Just then Number Three,
Who'd been shaking a tree,
And pocketing apples in very high glee,
Attracted the notice of boy Number One,
And the friends he rewarded with apple or bun;
And the crowd hastened ,onward in infinite glee,
As Two was victorious, to thrash Number Three,
Now in hoy Nu'ber One,
Every aias of Fear
May discover a bishop, s~ ure as a gun
(And the modern histioian decideOy calls very
Silly the reader who can'itU teot Salisbury);
And in boy Number Two, Da. WILLIAMS, heretical,
Attacked by the Bishop for works exegetical;
The crowd following Three in a manner so manly,
Are the Dorsetshiro clergy who quarrel with STANLEY,
And say in a tone that all must comprehend,
"If we can't punish STANLB. we'll punish his friend.
.Oh couwdy for thy butter noted
(Its prioe is by the o papers quoted),
Whose gentle vvles and uplands green
Present a richly-varied scene,
Whose peaceful cows in meadow;grading,
Suggestive thoughts of milk are raising,
(Not the vile compound of that ilk
They sell in London, but new milk),
And flout our eyes, as in a dream,
With ghosts of strawberries and cream,
And the acidulated cool
Compound of gooseberries called "fool"-
Are thy hills named ? Then swift across
Our minds float mint and onion sauce,
For grazing there in flowery mead
Are sheep of the true Southdown breed.
Oh! county thus blessed, we think of thee with gladness,
Though thy clergy's late doings have filled us with sadness,
And we write, while the candle expires with a splutter,
THY DIVINITY IS NOT AS GOOD AS THY BUTTER.


A Settlement that Cannot be Drawn Up,
A VERY serious settlement, which upsets all the engineers plane,
is reported to have taken place in a battery recently erected on an
island at the mouth of the Medway. The report seems to have
better foundation than the battery, but what could be expected when
the built the fort on an "Isle of Grain," and that a gpai. of
ianl ________

CAUSE AND EFFECT.
As sure as Sol will rise to-morrow,
So sure will sin conduct to sorrow.

TaEE ENGLISH Place de la Concorde.-Home !
THE VERY, very LAST "CHANGE OF NAME."-The Premier to
'be.called LORD JesterPIELD.
NINaMARK is to be called the Champion of the light weights,"
and to be girt, of course, with the little bell."
MI. STANSFELD.-It was clearly wrong on the part of a "Junior
Lord of the Admiralty to harbour MAZZINI. The "Hon. Gentle-
man" was altogether "at sea" in his defence, howeverflowery it might
have been; and having led his colleagues "a pretty dance," had
better now return to his own neglected hops !
I








[APRIL 2, 1864.


FUN.


SEASONABLE BUT UNPLEASANT.
LMttle Girl (demurely):-" PLEASE, SIR, WILL YOU BING THE TOP BELL THREE TIMES, AND KNOCK VERY LOUD, 'COZ
MOTHER'S DEAF '"
[The pleasing resull may be seen below. Delight of TOMPKINS.


THE TERCENTENARY.
OF all the many mad propositions
for commemorating the forthcoming
SHAKESPEARE Tercentenary, that
started by the Committee which
thrives under Ma. HEPWORTH DIXON'S
fostering care, is the maddest. Here it
is, in dear HEPWORTH'S own words:-
It is proposed to commemorate the 300th
birthday of SInAKxsrRAUR by erecting in Lon-
don a Monument, embracing a bronze statue
placed under a decorative canopy in the style of
the poet's period, and to devote any surplus to
a SHAKESPEARnaschoolin connection with the
Dramatic College."
A bronze statue embracing the
Monument would be sufficiently ridi-
culous, but the Monument embracing
a bronze statue is simply incompre-
hensible. As soon as we read the ad-
vertisement we bowled down to Fish-
street-hill, to ascertain whether there
was any possible way in which the
thing might be managed, but the more
we looked at the Monument the more
hopeless did the proposed scheme
appear. Besides, consider the anach-
ronism! HEPWOBTH, our boy, you
may not be aware of the fact, but
SHAKESPEABE died a good many years
before the occasion for the Monument
arose. Pray preserve the unities,
HEPWOnTH, of ur heart, and tell us
what, oh! what is a decorative canopy


Austria or Exhaustria.
THE Austrians are already in want
of means to carry on the war, and
propose to raise a little money by
< means of a lottery. It seems rather
hard that a great bankrupt bully
should be allowed to plunder plucky
O ( little Denmark. Austria had better
SL ii look on with its hands in its pockets,
o for then it would have something in
them, and would not run the risk of
getting some "florin's" it does not want.

AN IRISH BRIGADE.
ABOUT a hundred harum-scarum
light-headed sons of Cork have enrolled
themselves as an Irish Brigade to aid
the KING OF DENMARK. They pro-
pose to call themselves the "Alexandra
Cent Guards." This is thoroughly
Hibernian, to call themselves sent when
they are going of their own accord.


SONG OF THE CONTENTED SPIRIT."
Something like the Original,
How happy could I be with porter,
& If wine, after which the soulhankers,
Were away; or a publican's daughter,
If I were not engaged to a banker's !


























































''I


A LION'S WELCOME TO A LION.


FUN.-APRIL 2, 1864.









AP".m 2,. 1864. F UN. 27


CoP mic Wistorie of Veablric.

33ohe pe ronoit..b
CHAPTER YE LAST.
WE have now come almost to the end of our Heraldic journey, the
terminus is in sight, and the whistle, announcing our arrival, has
begun to blow. Before, however, landing our readers at the station,
and dismissing them with the orthodox, Bless you, my children," of
the melodramatic papa'when he relents towards the young people,
after three acts of stony-hearted brutality, previous to his retiring
into private life and the bar of the nearest theatrical tavern for a
glass of something hot, we must say a few words on the subject of
mottoes.
When we mention the word mottoes, we wish it most distinctly to
be understood that Heraldic mottoes, though oftentimes very nearly
as silly, have no connection whatever with those poetical effusions in
which the crackers and kisses of festive life are so often enfolded. As
regards these latter we have our own theory, which some day, when
we have finished our grand essay on the "Differential calculus as
applied to Baked Potatoes," we mean to give forth to an admiring
public. For the present they must make way for their Heraldic
brethren.
Of mottoes, the origin, like the sources of the Nile is enveloped in
mystery, and hitherto no enterprising Heraldic GRANT or SPEKE has
with any certainty discovered a solution. The generally received
opinion is, however, that the first idea of the motto was obtained from
the war cries of the different nations when joining battle. For
instance, that of the Irish was "A boo !'" which suggests the very
Obvious pun that it must have been really a bootiful one to listen to.
Edward III., who, as we in our last chapter observed, was the first
wearer of the crest, also introduced the motto into the coat of arms,
and he having set the fashion, it became one of those articles which no
Smedioeval gentleman could be without.
Heraldic mottoes, like the well-known heads of MR. GLADSTONE'S
'orations, are of three kinds: the enigmatical or foggy, of which you
have to discover the meaning, if any; the sentimental, or claptrap,
which are comprehensible to the meanest understanding; and the
emblematicall, or utterly boshy, which in nineteen cases out of twenty
*have no meaning at all.
First of all the enigmatical, or foggy. As an instance of this we
may take "Che sara, sara"-" What will be, will be;" a self-evident
proposition, which not even the most sceptical would be inclined to
doubt, albeit it is hard to discover in what way it can apply to the
bearer. But we suppose the heralds knew all about it, and so to
them we must leave the explanation.
Secondly, we have the sentimental, or claptrap. To illustrate this
style we may adduce "Patria cara, carior libertas"-" My country is
dear, but my liberty is dearer;" which sounds very beautiful, but gives
sthe idea of a regretful bankrupt on board the Boulogne boat leav-
ng England to avoid Whitecross-street.
Thirdly, wehave the emblematical, or utterly boshy. Of this kind,
Cassis tutissima virtus"-"Virtue is the safest helmet." The motto of
he EARLS or CIIOLMONDELEY is a good example. The utter idiocy
of this legend must at once strike our readers. The notion of any
one, in the days of battle-axes and swords five feet long, putting his
virtue on his head, eveh supposing he possessed a more than usual
amount of that desirable quality, by way of a helmet, being too
absurd to need one word of observation.
At this point, properly speaking and in the regular course of affairs,
he Comic Herald should come forward to a row of imaginary foot-
ights, and make his bow and a neat speech on things in general and
self in particular. As a matter of course he should commence by
thanking his ky-ind friends, the public, for the attention they have
given him, though probably most of the purchasers of FUN have
dipped his lucubration as dry, or not worth reading; then proceed to
ay how much pleasure it has afforded him to write the present series
f articles-though he knows all the while that if he had not thought
t would suit the publication and bring him in a certain amount of
ady money, he would never have written a line of them; and then
rind up by saying how grieved he is to end a task on which he has
been employed so long-which is simply humbug, as by the time he
has got to that part of the business he is heartily sick of the whole
affair, and longing to commence something else by way of a change.
Instead of this, however, we shall simply say in the words of the
showman, This concludes the entertainment, and all for the small
charge of one penny."
[END OF YE COMIC HISTORIC OF HERALDRIE.]

THE "THIEF OF TIME."-The man who stole a march!


THE LIE OF A LIFETIME;
On,
RANDOM READINGS OF TRAITOROUS TRAITS, PAST PASSAGES AND
PRESENT PROSPECTS,
OF
THE MODERN AUGUSTUS.
A SERIOUS SERIAL IN SEVERAL SECTIONS.

SECTION THE ELEVENTH.
Congress; Conspiracy ; Conclusion.
'TIs said the hunted ostrich, in its terror, hides its head,
And thus, unseeing, deems itself from objects of its dread
Quite secure and safely hidden; and even so wouldd seem
NAPOLEON in a CONGRESS sought to hide the daring scheme,
The head, the heart, the very soul of his ambitious dream.
For in the gentle garb of peace (a wolf in lamb's disguise),
The whole force of his energy he zealously applies,
To tear the treaties of fifteen," or prove them void, effte,
That views dynastic on their wreck he might at once create.
But roused at length from apathy, though offering the hand
Of friendship still, on "facts that were," Great Britain took her stand,
And thus repulsed the fell assault diplomacy had planned.
As tigers, if their spring falls short, retire with baffled roar,
And scorn the prey they coveted so eagerly before,
The French usurper sullenly retired to scoff at peace,
And plan and hatch conspiracies, by aid of his police.
For Mexico was wearisome, -the public voice complained,
The nation grumbled at the price it paid for glory gained;
Its blood was shed to win a crown a foreign duke might wear,
While tax disbursement only fell to weary Gallia's share.
So each elective ballot proved the rapid, onward course
Of Liberal opposition and its hourly growing force;
While Italy, still yearning for her freedom, saw with joy
The Danish complication all the KAISAR's thoughts employ,
And in the mighty Maelstrom of a European war,
Hoped its other foe's engulfment would sweep aside the bar
(The last bar that would then remain across her prison door),
And give her sons at length a chance victorious to pour
Apatriot band from snowy Alps to Adriatic's shore,
And write in RED INK, "settled!" across Villafranca's score !
* *

While national barometers thus took uncertain range,
Sinking anon to stormy," or, at best phase, marking change,"
The sullen sphinx of politics, in silent, bitter hate
Of those who dared to thwart him, cursed his ever chequered fate;
And rendered reckless, desperate, by the crisis he foresaw,
Became a thing to laugh at, to despise, or to abhor;
For by a base, mean, paltry trick he dared assail the fame
Of the patriot MAZZINI, and sought to fix the shame,
The deep, indelible disgrace, the loathing and the scorn,
That clings to an assassin, were he proudest noble born.
So the Mouchard and the Mouton, at such eventful time,
Are set to work to fabricate the semblance of a crime!
To slur Italian patriots, fill Paris with alarm;
And by awakened sympathy its angry murmurs calm;
And sowing wide the fruitful seeds of discord and distrust,
Alienate from Italy the generous and just!
So the bomb, thepoisoned dagger (a sticky, treacled blade),
With well concocted autographs in readiness are laid.
Then a farce that puts tame eagles a long way in the shade,
Is, with well got-up properties, before all Paris played.
The fell conspirators are seized, their tide of crime is stemmed,
Forensic eloquence steps in-the victims are condemned,
And Paris, smiled and tittered (no more licence was allowed);
But Europe, free and sceptical, presumed to laugh aloud
At the hollow false position thus openly avowed.
* S S S *
* 5 5 *
Here for awhile the weary muse will take some welcome rest,
Resuming, at a future time, with undiminished zest,
The Hist'ry of AUGUSTUS, till his course is fully run,
But, pro ter., bids adieu to him, and to the friends of FUN.
Chorus of excited Printers' Devils laughing at an
ERRATUM.-Vol. 5th, page 217, section 5th, line 15th, for "Some
seven thousand craven ayes," &c., read Some seven million craven
ayes," &c.









[APRIL 2, 1864.


FUN.


PATER, PATER, LET HIM ROAR.
E regret to find that the gentle
admonition we took the pains to
address to ME. METCALFE three
weeks ago, has not had the effect
upon the other members of the Old
Bailey bar that we anticipated. So
there is nothing for it but to re-
peat the dose.
It appears from the morning
papers of Wednesday last, that the
evil example of insubordination set
by MR. METCALFE, and subse-
quently gibbeted by MB. FUN, has
been imitated by a younger mem-
Sber of the bar called MR. PATER.
The "scene in court" (by the bye,
we understand that all the daily
Papers have stereotyped that head-
ing) took place before Mn. PAYNE
at the Middlesex Sessions. It is
unnecessary for us to enter into
the details of the unseemly scene,
because all these instances of
forensic insubordination are charac-
terized by precisely identical sur-
roundings. It was the old story of
alleged interference on the part of
Bench with the supposed privileges
of Bar, and the subsequent shutting up and ignominious collapsing or
The heavy fining of Bar, upon the exercise of special powers by Bench.
the last sentence which Ma. PATrE is reported to have spoken is quite
enough of itself to entitle him to a place in our columns, and here
it is, together with some of those that let up to it:-
MB. PATER.-I wish to make a few observations.
Mn. PAYs.--I must decline to hear you unlIss you withdraw the observations.
Do you do so I
MR. PATae.-Certainly not.
MR. PATXvE-Then I fine you 20.
MR. PATES.- I can now say that the opinion I have formed of you is concurred
in by every member of the bar.
Mn. Anna.-I do not concur in it.
MR. WooD.-Nor I.
Ma. PATsn.-You (MR. WooD) prosecuted. The matter shall not rest here. I
shall bring the subject under the notice of SIR GEosoE G EY, and very probably
your removal from the bench will be the result.
Now, MR. PATER, we have conferred upon you a very great, but
at the same time a very merited distinction, but you must not let it
make you proud. It must, we admit, be a gratifying thing for a young
counsel to see his carte de visite for the first time in the shop windows,
and we beg to offer to MR. PATER our sincere congratulations on the
honour he has brought upon himself; but, at the same time, we trust
it will not make him arrogant. Now, then, who is to be the next
customer ?

DIZ SEEDY, DISCEDEI
MB. DISRAELI is a practised orator. Although he no longer
displays the talent which made his bitterness palatable in his
younger days, he retains enough of elocutionary skill to make his
senile maundering and anile slandering just bearable. On the subject
of the MAZZINI-STANSFELD complication he redeemed the twaddle
of his opening remarks by the masterly manner in which he brought
a trick of rhetoric to bear upon his interrupter. But he does not
persuade anybody of his sincerity, and we smile at him as we see
im denouncing assassination. We recall the hireling bravo who
stabbed PEEL in the back, and remember the lines:-
Blessed be the hand that dares to wield
The regicidal steel that shall redeem
A nation's suffering with a tyrant's blood!"
Those lines might have been written by a MAZZINI. They were
penned by a DISRAELI, and they were the sincere utterances of a
man who had not lost all earnestness-save in the pursuit of place,
all honesty-save in mere matters of pounds, shillings, and pence, all
honour-save-well, we don't know of an exception here. The
DISRAELI who wrote those lines meant what he said; the DISRAELI
who speaks so furiously about assassination has lost the power of
meaning anything save an assault on the Treasury benches. When
we hear him denouncing the dagger, it is impossible to help crying
out Bravo !" but we mean it as an epithet, not as applause.

PROFESSIONS OF PEACE.-Church, Law, and Physics.


BRIEF BIOGRAPHIES.
No. 2.-FAIB ROSAMOND.
"Popular Air."
NEAR Woodstock town, some years ago,
Lived MISTER CLIFFORD'S daughter,
For she owned her love for England's King,
Which was what she didn't oughter."
Chorus omitted (in mercy.)
That she was lovely all agree,
And some say without an equal;
But "all isn't gold what glitters bright,"
As you'll see, when you come to the sequel.
A secret crib the king had built,
Wherein to hide her beauty,
And thither oft he found his way,
Despite his kingly duty.
For some long time all went on smooth,
The king would caress and flatter;
And there were no hojus boys to shout
Or holler out, "Who's your hatter ?"
But one dark day the king's wife heard
That her husband loved another woman;
She said not a word, but made up her mind,
For she was a regular run ns!
She found the maze, with its clue of silk,
That led to ROSAMoND'S bower;
That night she stood, with her minions round,
And RosAMOND was in her power!
"The QUEEN !" she said, and that was all,
For rage had choked her throttle;
In one hand she held a big clasp knife,
In t'other a big laud'num bottle.
Sweet creature, drink !" she next exclaimed,
When she could control her anger;
But ROSAMOND hung her head, and looked
In a terrible state of languor.
In vain her tears-in vain her grief-
In vain her repentant sorrow ;
The QUEEN had sworn, and she kept her oath,
That ROSAMOND should die ere the morrow.
Fair ROSAMOND eyed the big clasp knife,
But for that found courage lacking;
So she drank the draught, and fell down dead,
With face like a bottle of blacking.
MORAL.
Young ladies all, both great and small,
Don't be this moral scorning;
But by the fate of this fair girl
Take instantaneous warning.
[The repressed chorus of the preceding verses may here be intro-
duced with "stunning" effect.-ED.]

FABIAN POLICY, OR FAINEANT POLICY.
THE French papers-or at least some of them-are highly delighted
at the great success which has attended the course of policy pursued
by France in the Schleswig-Holstein difficulty. One of the papers
describes it as a "success of reserve." This is a new sort of success,
and is something akin to the dignity of doing nothing." However,
while we laugh at this new-fangled diplomatic coup, we cannot but
recommend it to our Foreign Secretary. He would find the success
of reserve" much less disastrous than the "policy of meddle and
muddle."
What to Read, Think, and Avoid.
WE know that a great deil of newspaper writing must be a very
serious infliction to the readers, but it is very rarely we find it con-
fessed by the proprietors in their advertisements. However, here is
a notable example of the candour of a journalist, which we have seen
conspicuously displayed during the past week:
"ETERNAL PUNIsiHMNT.-Read the correspondence in the Spectator of Saturday,
the 19lh inst."
Thank you: No; we really do not see what we have done to de-
serve it.











FUN,


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
SIR,-For a long time past I have been intending to send you my
tip for the Oxford and Cambridge boat race. Unfortunately, circum-
stances over which I have no control-but I may mention that in
quod pen and ink are luxuries which are withheld even from conscious
innocence, which the blacking of two policemen's eyes for unseemly
interference with the pursuits of the P.R. would vainly endeavour to
cast a slur upon, not to say ten pounds fine or an equivalent in weeks
in default of payment unfortunately, I repeat, circumstances
prevented my forwarding you the information which I was boiling
over with, and also indignation at the maladministration of British
justice.
Well, then, my tip was, taking the number of starters into conside-
ration, either Cambridge.or Oxford must win. If I had been pressed
to pick out of those two, I should have selected
CAMBRIDGE.
But in the event of that not obtaining the first place my choice would
have been
OXFORD.
The event,, as you will see, proved the justice of my decision.
Cambridge, as I foretold, would have been first but for a trifling acci-
dent-the fact, in a word, that the other boat was better. Accordingly
my final tip was borne out to the letter, and Oxford came in first;
all the rest nowhere.
To turn to the turf: I understand that to run the road by the river,
although the Cam boat can't win, the Cam-bus-can. Mind you, I
am only stating the general opinion. He's the favourite, but I have
my eye on the winner, and will tell you more about him by-and-by.
All that I shall say about him at present is, that he won't be either
the second or the third horse. In fact, I can even go so far as to say
he will be the first, but further than that I shall not reveal. In the
meantime don't you put the pot on for fear you should scald your
fingers. As for making a book, don't do it unless somebody agrees to
publish it for you, and give you something handsome on every edition.
If you begin betting, don't get frightened and try to make yourself
safe, because it's dangerous to play with edge-tools. With which
paternal advice I turn to other themes.
Knurr and Spell is looking up-in the dictionary-for I haven't
the ghost of an idea what it is.
In accordance with your wishes I've been paying a good deal of
attention to cricket lately. We have several in our back kitchen,
but they seem to have an objection to matches, and so have the black-
beetles, but I am not to be disheartened so easily. I have been learn-
ing the duties of an umpire, and have taken some lessons from a
friend, who is a dentist, as to how you ought to draw the stumps.
The P.R. is coming round, though I am not quite pleased with the
conduct of some of its members. For instance, at a little set-to
between the Lambeth Lamplighter and Pluggy Jim, I offered to hold
the stakes, and they laid them about my back because I wouldn't let
Them have them to make a ring.
All these things are a little discouraging at first, but as I am deter-
mined to cultivate a -taste for the manly sports of England, I have
no doubt I shall soon become an adept. In the meantime you must
forgive my short-comings, and not object to a few advances-I mean
of cash. I will endeavour to do my duty,
And have the honour to be, Sir,
Your obedient servant,
THE SPECIAL SPORTINGMAN.
f' P.S.-I say, you made a mistake about curling. It isn't done with
stones, but with tongs; something like a joint-stock company of
scissors and rat-tail files.
Here's a riddle for you. .Please drop me a line to say if you can see
it:-Why ain't I like a pack of hounds ? Because they would not like
to meet with a check. You see-cheque! Ha! ha!

; Don't Comet too Strong.
PROFESSOR NEUMAGER says that in 1865 a comet will come so
,lose as to endanger the earth, and should it not attach itself to us
(as one globule of quicksilver to another), or annihilate us (that's a
cheerful alternative), the effect will be very beautiful (we should think
so). -"During three nights we shall have no darkness, but be bathed
in the brilliant light of the blazing train"-an express train we
suppose. It is to be observed that the professor avoids the use of the
word tail. We don't, but we spell it "tale," and apply it to the pro-
fessor as a bit of a wag.

THE SPIBrT or "THE TIMEs."-The Telegraph, for it seems
to haunt it!


s29


LEGENDS OF THE LITTLE KNOWN.
"B. B."-HIS HISTOnT AND MYSTERY.
OH! the bravest knight in the fiercest light,
That ever was known to fame,
Was a warrior tall and fair to see,
Who fought in the ranks of chivalry,
And who bore on his brazen crest B. B.,"
Which was all they knew of his name.
Fiercely on foes he had rained his blows-
Yet a gentler voice he knew;
For a damsel young, with a beaming eye,
Once lifted her lattice and raised a cry,
When she thought that nobody else was by,
Which had sounded like, Hi! Hist HUGH !"
It chanced one day, through the thick of the fray,
As our valiant champion rode,
He smote a Paynim knight on knee,
Who cried, "A boon I crave of thee,
Mysterious man-they call 'B. B.'-
Thy name ?" Hush! HUGH BE BLODE !"
By brave deeds done, the battle was won,
And the monarch-his usual mode-
Gave out to him who had gained the day,
He had rich rewards to give away;
"Ask what thou wilt, we will not say nay,
Thy name, it is-- ?" "Huan BE BLODE !"
Then out from his tent the monarch went,
And frowningly forth he strode;
Money and medals w6re given away,
And honour and riches were gained that day,
But not to B. B.," who again did say,
When they questioned himu-"HuGa BE BLODa."
But a maiden's smile, in fair Albion's isle,
Lit up an antique abode,
When over the hill and over the lea,
His ladyo-love in her bower to see,
With his lance at rest, came back B. B.,"
And she whispered him-" HUGH BE BLODE."
Soon word is brought that the maiden sought
Has her hand on the knight bestowed,
And merrily bells, from tower and spiro,
Ring forth the tidings throughout the shire.
"Who's married to day P" they each inquire,
And the answer is-" HUvo BE BLODE."
When tourists search in an ancient church,
That borders the old north road,
For all that is spared from mortality's doom,
Quick eyes for the brasses half hid in the gloom,
Can see a knight cross-legged. Pray, whose is this tomb P"
And the sexton says-" HUGH Bi, BLODE."

WHAT'S BECOME OF THE SHAKESPEARE COMMITTEE?
WHAT has become of the Mutual-Laudation Society, with a capital
of lots of brass and no money, with limited ability and unlimited
friability? It seems to have crumbled to nothing. March is approach-
ing its end, and no appeal has been made to the public, no list of sub-
scriptions has been published. A meagre and miserable programme
has crawled to light in the columns of the Athenaun, promising all
sorts of slow entertainments, but there has been nothing put forth
to say what will really be done on the tercentenary to carry out the
original object of the committee. The only conclusion we can arrive
at is, that the small personages who desired to scramble into fame by
clinging to SHAKESPEARE'S skirts, have simply covered themselves
with shame and confusion. What a pitiful result after such tremen-
dous labours! All they, have succeeded in doing has been to get
themselves put, by the unanimous consent of England, upon the free-
list of the Earl4wood Asylum.

The Haughty-cultural.
SIn WENTWORTH DILKE, and COLE, C.B., who have set up as
gardeners at South Kensington, are well fitted for the task, having
long studied haughty-culture. As for flowers, why their heads have
been full of flours, as became such flunkeys, ever since they had a
chance of serving nobility.


Aprma 2, 1864.]


____ ___


29








FUN.


OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT AT THE GUILDFORD FIGHT.


DEAR FUN,-I rose and dressed Provided myself with a Took an affectionate fare-
at 5 a.m., substantial luncheon, well of a girl whom I
was compelled to leave
behind me,


And started for After a preliminary interview
the Waterloo with a lively staff-officer,
Station.


I found my carriage; it N as rather full, I arrived at Shalford A good lunch, however, And I began the opera- Likewise down hill, but
but the buffers were still at my disposal. somewhatt punished. soon set all right, tions of the day. I with difficulty;
After a rather fatiguing journey, went up hill,


Until Iremembered the I followed their
method adopted by merry example with
Swiss boys, under similar no mishap worth
circumstances, mentioning,


And was congratulated on my It then became my And to lie After an interval of
ingenuity by my adjutant, fate to ford concealed in half-an-hour,
who is responsible to the rivers, ambush.
W. O.for the arms.


The charge was sounded. By this time After a halt the charge was I was carried insensible out of the
I began to feel fatigued, resumed. onele, but felt much revived after
an interview with the regimental
surgeon,


And at his suggestion got
home as soon as possible,
where I fought all my
battles over again.


I YOU OWN CORRESPONDENT.
Printed by JUDD & GIASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 2, 1864.








FUN.


AT THE PLAY.

SHIS Easter has produced
its usual holiday eccen-
tricities, and in no portion
of the metropolitan dis-
tricts have these beenmore
observable than before the
C footlights of the different
theatres, which have most
Sof them been playing the
same pieces for months
Past. Managers may be-
lieve in the grammatical
but not in the dramatical
S correctness of Mn. LIND-
LEY MURRAv's famous
aphorism which declares
"a variety of objects is
pleasing to the eye." In
the theatrical world a
wonderful reliance is
placed on the witty KING
GonBAnDc's dialectic dis-
covery that "whatever is is," and, indeed, it would not be very
easy to declare why it shouldn't be if it was. Lessees have not
listened to HAMILET's soliloquy so often without being fully convinced
that it is better to keep those bills they have than fly to others that
they know not of. The old maxim, which--"justice to Ireland"-was
first taught at Donnybrook, used to recommend as the proper pastime
for the holidays, "Wherever you see a head hit it." At the present
time the rivalry among our public caterers induces a dependence on a
fresh form of the Irish schoolmaster, and as they each try to out-
number the rights of representation, the manager's motto becomes,
" Wherever you see a hit lead it." Whoever takes a theatre from
this March quarter must pay a heavy price for the fixtures.
Drury Lane has got the approaching SHARESPERIAN celebration to
consider, and accordingly has ante-dated the poet's birthday by
keeping a terse St. Henry /the Fourth for the St. Monday of the holiday
folks, and, as the Cockneys would say, it' this saint proper for the
tercentenary forthcoming, tell us what should be. When MR. PiHLEPS
as FALSTAFF is first discovered taking his ease in his inner chamber
of the palace, wonderful is the round of acclamations with which he
is greeted as an old SHAKESPERIAN, and the audience who have read
the correspondence with the Stratford committee annexed to the
programme, evidently object to the "sack" which has been given
to him. His FALSTAFF may be called "hard," but we must share in
the popular belief that it is harder where there is none, and we might
ran-sack the playbills in vain for a name better associated with the
character. There are rushes for HoTsPru and GLENDOWER to sit
down upon at the opening of the third act, and rushes of soldiers in
the last scene for the finish, so the proprietors of time and place are
in both respects strictly preserved. The revival is creditable to the
management, but the long speeches make a terrible demand on the
patience of the auditors, who have one good spectacular scene, and the
rest oration. Astley's and the Surrey have competed with each other
for the honour of bearing off the palm of horrors. The former exhibits
a chapter of accidents, and the latter illustrates a catalogue of crimes.
The public mustjudge for themselves which they find most to their
taste. The tersest criticism on both has come from the galleries.
At the first they ejaculated simply "Oh !" but at the last Oh,
crime-iny." Calculated by the majority we should say, then, Oh's"
had it. THE ODD MAmN.

Hill-ustrious Merit.
SIR RowLAND HILL has eminence of his own, and his name will
stand high in the public estimation whether Government confers a
title on him or no. But in order that the nation may not be accused
of forgetting the man to whom it owes its head, the ex-secretary of
the G.P.O. ought to receive a patent of nobility-in his case "letters"
patent.

COME !-FLY WITH ME!
MR. W. WELDON is announced as the inventor of an aErial
machine, to be shortly exhibited at the Crystal Palace. It is our
o-pinion that a wing is not a thing you can weld on the human
machine.

M3OST LIKELY.-CALCRAFT, we hear, is fond of keeping canaries.
We should say that he most likely feeds them on hemp-seed.


31


UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.
No. 1.-Tri G(R iK CHAi1R AT OXI:\ouD; Oni, AlT'Iti'.s
'. P.I'AIIrcl Is.
Trrr Professor le sat in his Oxford Greek chair;
I is features were delicate, pleasing, andi fIir;
liis eyes beamed with kindness, he'd light Saxon hair:
Undergrads, without numliber, were mustering there,
Admiring his erudite faculties rare,
Which he calmly dispensed for a firty pound share
In the big vars'ty chest; for the bigot dois dare
Try to make the shrewd sceptic exist upon air,
And thus prove that religion is merely a snaro!
Though, doubtless, this ditulm w ill make "TI cOTIn" star,
And exclaim that these views are erroneous, unfair,
And are that sort of thing that no parson can bear."
Yet, facts are so stubborn, they'd better beware,
Lest public opinion, once roused fromi its lair,
Loudly roars for RLeform, ani thus lids them prepare
To be laid in the lied Sea, or big ,ied of WVare.
There's a stir in each parish ; a white-lhokered mob
At once rush to Oxford, determined to rob,
Not poor men of their beer,
But, with cynical sneer,
A wise man of income, and all lie holds dear
In the shape of respect, because it seems clear
To their orthodox intellects that he's a more
Infidel outcast; in fact, p'raps a inar
Relation of Satan (a cove whom they fear,
Because he may some day cut short their career).
Of this rushing Pbout, and this change of location,
The result is with scorn viewed outside convocation;
For honour and justice both cry out hir/jacel,"
When the sons of the classical varsity disgrace it,
By majority (seventy-two) for non platee"
Ere this deed was done my sweet muse con more
Admired and respected each stillneck'd, staunch Tory,
But has now got the blues,
And ere altering her views,
Does penance in public with peas in her shoes
(Rieal hard ones! not boiled, as in IsNato.snY's story
We're told that some king had, for fear that a sore he
Should happen to feel
On his toe or his heel);
And now freely admits, though the clergy should gibber all
Sorts of anathemas, licncelorward ship's Liberal.
Dear FUN, I am sure you will hardly believe,
That the Dons are afraid that their men will receive
Infinitessimal heresies, mixed with Greeki piarlieles,
Subversive of some of the thirty-nine articles !
Of course you'd suppose that these views were pro bone,
But the answer of well posted critics is Oh no 1"
Or to put it more strongly, decidedly No no !"
For the subject if argued for one entire week,
Would fail to elicit a glimmer or streak
Of justice, to light up this act of the clique,
Who by their NON PLAcETS cudeavour to wreak
Their bigoted vengeance, and sneakingly seek
To starve Irom his chair the Professor of Greek!
MORALS.
Moral one is immoral-a paradox rather;
But success, it appears, can't be got without lather,
That's cant and soft soap,
With a dash of the pope;
For clerical M.A.'s will yield the full scope
Of the bung-hole to any intolerant bigot,
But condemn to the froth that exudes from the spigot,
Any sage whose ideas
May fill them with fears,
That he'll preach a new doctrine into folk's ears-
Solve their sphinx by unpicking their Gordian or big knot,
And, clearing the ground with views Jfr iab(ie buttons,"
Bid tractarian s.leplherds return t.o their muttons."
Moral two shows in Oxford you may, by a fluke,
Get as patron a bishop, archbishop, or duke ;
And get well paid for Greek," if prepared to assert
As a dogma, logicians can ne'er controvert,
That Mosuls's pen penned the whole Pentateuclh!
And that, further, reviewed by the light of theology,
There's no greater blunder than that lame apology
For the faith of past ages, called MODERN GEO1LOGY.


APRIL, 1864.]


E


VOL. VI.








2' FU N. [APRIL 9, 1864.


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
BY OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONNAIRE.
HACKNEY Wick and the light weights, candledly speaking, was my
intention on Good Friday, but I was detained by an unforeseen accident.
Being desirous of refreshing my memory as to the intricacies of
wrestling, Cornish hug, flying horse, back heel, and all the rest of it,
I threw my hat into the ring in my back garden, and tried a fall
with myself, backing my right leg against my left at odds. I suc-
ceeded immensely, giving myself a fair back fall, but unfortunately
smashed my hat, which made it quite impossible for me to take part
in what my missus describes as the Hackney Wick-edness of Good
Friday.
There was a deal of Agricultural Hauling and PULLEYN at Islington,
at the Westmoreland and Cumberland Wrestling Society's meet, and
plenty of good sport; but I wasn't there, for of course I can't be in
two places at once; and as I couldn't go to the Wick, where I was ex-
pected to be, why naturally I could still less be anywhere else-don't
you see that ?
Cricketing is beginning already, although many who went out to
"have a hit" must have got a good blow from the March winds. I
am not much of a cricketer myself, my best score last year being the
one I had at the Blue Dragon, which is close to our ground. At the
last match in which I had the honour of playing, I secured two re-
markably fine duck's eggs, which I have presented to MR. BUCKLAND,
who happened to be in the field, in hopes of securing a few overs"
for his fish-hatching operations.
The Northampton meeting has been well attended. The Stakes
were won by the horse I told you in my last letter would win.*
I'm sorry to see, Apropos of racing, that "AnGus" has lost his
appeal case. The whole affair is a bad one, and it is very unpleasant,
I should fancy, to get into such a pickle for a little Tarragona vinegar.
LORD WINCHELSEA, aliaa JOHN DAvIS, who has been. aptly called
the Poet CLOSE of the turf, has not done himself much credit by his
persecution of ARuS--although I never expected any better of him,
for he was so devoid of rhyme it was hardly likely he would be rich
in reason. At all events, this case disproves proverbial philosophy;
for as far as Newmarket Heath is concerned, "Where there's a
WILLES" there is not always a right of way.
On Easter Monday I borrowed a friend's horse and went to the
meet of the staghounds at the Roebuck, Woodford Wells, to report on
the Epping hunt. There was a large assembly of the elite of the
neighbourhood, with a sprinkling of the London nobility. The hounds
threw off, and so did my horse, so I saw little of the race after the
start. My animal, I am sorry to say, has not turned up since, and I
have had to pay for him-twenty pounds; so he is something like the
stag after the start-a "dear departed." Although I scorn to refer
to the paltry dross, twenty pounds is a good deal for a hoss, and I
don't think it really should be my loss, for misfortunes will happen
and things go cross, and a bolter is an accident, "which it was."
Some spirited and enthusiastic proprietors of papers would reimburse
an unhappy special reporter who had met with a quadrupedal mishap.
I will not condescend to add any more obvious conclusion, but
remain, Yours out-of-pocket,
THE SPECIAL SPORTINGMAN.
P.S.-You didn't answer my last conundrum in the spirit I hoped.
Here's another, and a reply by return will oblige :-Why is an intoxi-
cated individual like my money market ?-Because he's tight. Tight!
You take? and if you do, perhaps you'll allow me to do so too;
paper or gold-I'm not proud.

Who's Who
THE much-vexed question of civic precedence, which has long
raged between the corporations of Edinburgh and Dublin, has at last
found a solution in continuity. With refreshing candour, the delightful
dictum of official obtuseness is, that examination of the contending
claims proves only that" each is so much like both, you can't tell t'other
from which ;" and therefore, first come, first served." Henceforth,
then, the aspirants to either of these chief magisterial honours must
be submitted to the test of "limbs versus logic," with the unfailing
result that "the shanks have it!"
Who shall decide when Heralds disagree ?
And "suaviter in modo" yields to fortiter in re ?"
When courtly precedence is hung on such unknightly pegs,
As breadth of beam, or power of lung, or lankyness of legs.
P.S.-" Paddy won't sign articles, so it is merely a "walk over"
for "Sandy."
Since writing the above, I have discovered that I hadn't posted that letter as I
supposed. These little accidents will happen at times.


I


I


I


SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
AS VISIBLE AT GREENWICH AND ELSEWHERE.
After Tennyson-a long way.
CoMADES, tarry here a little, for as yet 'tis scarcely one;
Comrades, here's the town of Greenwich,. here's the scene of faded
fun;
'Tis the place, not as of old, where the Cockneys took the air,
In the booth of ME. ALGER, in the swings of Greenwich fair.
Times have changed; oh! gentle reader of this retrospective verse,
Judge if change be for the better, or if change be for the worse.
Easter Monday's sport may tamer seem to raffish 'prentice boys,
Than when gin and vice of all sorts were the cream of Greenwich
joys.
I remember-prick me, conscience-how ten years ago I came,
In a hansom, into Greenwich-saw the fair of famous name;
Mixed with thieves and roystering drunkards, drank bad drink and
thought it fun,
Ay, and paid to see the dramas of immortal IRCHABDSON !
As the mists hung chill o'er Greenwich, as the night came stealing
down,
Screeching, cursing, drinking, fighting, came fresh raff from London
town;
Working men to waste their wages, till, with blear eyes fierce and red,
They came home to see their children vainly asking them for bread.
There I marked the dreary tumbler in his spangled garb arrayed;
There I smirked at tragic heroine in seedy gold brocade;
There, with beetle brows and noses flat, and faces ill to view,
Sallow vagabonds invited us to see a nice set to."
There, from squalid Seven Dials, swarmed slinking thieves from birth;
There, from tawdry hopeless women, rang out laughs that knew not
mirth;
There, 'midst thimble-rig and fighting, cakes, tobacco, beer, and gin,
Did a sickly clown invite his "noble captains to walk in.
There a snobbish swell, resplendent from his bluchers to his vest,
Came young FILCHER from the City-'twas not hard to guess the
rest-
Drowning conscience in bad brandy, he of fun will take his fill-
To find his pockets empty as he's left his master's till.
There, 'midst swindlers, drunkards, ruffians, and women madly gay,
Might you see some decent working folks, oh! better far away;
For, substract the drink and riot, fights and blackguards everywhere,
Tawdry pleasures, cheap and nasty, what remains of Greenwich fair ?
*
Times have altered for the better, Greenwich town will know no more
The scenes that once disgraced it in those shameful days of yore;
Easter's fun is still remaining, 'tis more wholesome fun for all,
Than when Greenwich lured half London to that devil's carnival I
Tow'ring high o'er Penge's woodlands, in the crisp, free, bracing air,
Stands the Palace of the People, better far than Greenwich fair,
Are its grounds, and courts, and pastimes, where the people take their
part,
And enjoy an Easter Monday that refreshes head and heart.
Put your hand into your pocket, though you've shillings but a few,
Leave the tap-room, air is purer down at Hampton Court or Kew;
There for once upon the greensward on this day your own you call,
Wisely happy take your pleasure, and thank God, who gives you all.
Leave the city's smoke behind you, if but one day in the year;
Brighton beach is better for you than the Pig and Whistle's" beer;
Freshen up your lungs at Brighton with ozone, and while you're
there,
Don't you feel it's ten times better than was ever Greenwich fair?
Thus a wanderer from Fleet-street, out for Easter holiday,
As he gazed upon old Greenwich, spun this retrospective lay;
Much rejoicing at departure of the blackguard scenes of yore,
E'en though ALGER'S booth has vanished and great RICHARDsoN'S
no more!
LEGAL.-MR. B-LL, when talking lately about the merits of the
newly-appointed Solicitor-GeAeral, is said to have remarked that he
himself would have made a better one than any COLLIER in the land!
CEASE YonU PUNNING.-This is the remark we made a few
days ago to an individual who suggested that one of the principal
characters in the Beggar's Opera" should be called CAPTAIN MAo-
Hounslow-HEATH."








APRIL 9, 1864] F UJ N. 3s


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PfBS.
THE Austrians in the Schleswig-Holstein war are regaining -the
reputation they achieved in their Italian campaign-namely, a reputa-
tion for cruelty and brutality. Nor do the Prussians seem particularly
behindhand at the same work, but they add cowardice, it appears, to
the other virtues. It is quite refreshing to see how they are getting
repulsed by the Danes.
Apropos of matters Danish, I see the harum-scarum Irishmen, who,
ripe for a row, were anxious, in defiance ,of -the Foreign Enlistment
Act, to offer their services as volunteersto the KING OF DENMARK,
have got the snub courteous. His Majesty probably has before his
eyes a vivid recollection of the Irish Brigade which went over to help
the Pope, and gave him more trouble than all his enemies put together.
He wrote to his correspondentt MR. O'IIEAY, declining the proffer
of what proposed to call .itself the Cent Guard. By the way,
O'LEARY, me boy, you should call it the Scent Guard, and make the
regimental motto Olere" in honour of yourself. What a sell for
you, when you said to the king, deignato aeept," and found him a
Dane to refuse.
FROn real war tomaimie jatl, from the shedding of laret to.
the cham fight. The woluuater review on Easter Monday was a
brilliant success. BThe weather was propitious, only a few showers
falling (!) and theywereraet sufficient to damp the ardour of the men.,
COLONEL GOurews &'sa with 'his HAVELOCKs, was present; but
vehementteetotaUsmerls yas, ,ya,they did not attempt to throw cold
water on the spiritof thew lunteers. I need hardly say the gallnt
colonel's:homewas.a, great.a feature as ever-or perbi ; tdsa hld say
four-feeture; .notothatiaemwas t.ounded though, in spite of 'the rude
remarks cof eaemoeeporting spectators who said they thought he would
"go well to:bouniw "-in a'barrow.
YES I mid .so. T n'ER has written a Tereentenary Ode. I
prophesied itnas souns:I;heard the committee, with characteristic
stupidity, weregoing to-offer a prize. And it is such an ode too If
it does .nt win .the .prize the whole system of prize poems ,will be
subveited,lfor it -is utterly impossible that even COLOSS ould 'write:
anything wore. Here is a specimen:-
."Let ethemsboast their wisest and4etstrlimt,
To eah a prize may fall;
Genis gives one apiece:to all theest,
But SHAKESPEARE claims them all I"
"Claims what all ?" "All the rest," is the only answer, and then
comes the perplexing question, Who are "all the rest?" But this
is not the best of the poem. Further on our bard, describing
how universally SHAKESPEARE'S "glorious works" are known,
mentions among other things-
"From China, with her English lesson learnt,
To Chili, wailing for her daughters burnt."
This is too bad of TUPPER. Chili" and "burnt !"-he ought not to
jest with such a sad theme. Even the fact that the editor of FUN
has to decline seven columns of his comic copy weekly, ought not to
drive the poet to such extremes as this.
BY the way, all the SHAKESPEARE Committees are getting into
pickles. The London one can't get any money, and the Stratford one
can't sell any tickets. We shall have a national fiasco after all, and
the only benefit we shall derive will be from the fact that the "game"
of the Athenceum has been shown up, and its false prestige destroyed
for ever. Nobody will ever be imposed on by it again.
DIDN'Tpoor dear GENERAL KNOLLYS put his foot in it the other
day He actually let the PRINCE OF WALES order a special
performance at the Haymarket for the Tuesday in Passion week!
What a to-do the mawworms and tartuffs would have made, and
what a wigging the general would have got from the bishops, and what
a flutter there would have been at the court! Luckily, the little error
was found out in time and corrected. Just imagine Royalty going to
a theatre in the first Passion week in which dramatic performances
have been allowed in the teeth of yelling bigotry. The houses, bythe
way, have filled well, though many of the managers, after having
clamoured for the permission, closed their theatres when they got it.
The Dramatic Fund dinner went off aswell as usual, with some capital
speeches, and some very telling impromptus-delivered from notes.
I hope the collection was as good as any other of the Easter offerings !

TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE.
THE Master of the Mint has been calling in the old copper coins
without ceasing. They will shortly be declared an illegal tender.
After this if any one persists in keeping any of the worn-out and
oxodised money he must expect to be looked on as copper-ass, and must
not turn rusty in consequence.


DEAD OF STARVATION.
THrBr's a gloomy line in the morning prints,
Of our glorious nation;
Of sorrows and wrongs untold ithlints,
Dead of starvation I


Maidens and mothers, and infants frail,
Born in many a station;
Men'who bravely have laboured, doomed to fail,
Dead of starvation I
The man of the world sees no shade of blame
On his reputation,
When he reads of a name he brought to shame,
Dead of starvation!
With vainglory we hasten the souls to feed,
Of the heathen nation,
While our brothers and eiters, through guardians' greed,
Aredead of starvation!
If they ask for bread shall we give them a stone P
'Tis the regulation;
Till the Board shall sit, till their case comes on,
Till they're dead of starvation I
sad end to the victims of many an ip,
Of lame legislation;
Ah I better had each one been born a "still,"
Chrch, steeple and sexto 's purse to 4ll,
Than live to die of starvation I
Thomuiver of.all that the mightiest.hth,
Great God of creation !
Remosber not Thou in the dayof Thy:wrath,
Etat ourweakones have died ofstargtion 1

HE ROYAL AOCADEIY AND THE FEMALE
STUDENTS.
THE Council of the Royal Academy have passed a resolution to
the effect that admission to their free classes is for the future to be
denied to female students. The plea upon which this step is taken
is, that there is only a very limited space at the disposal of the Council.
The female students take it as a great hardship that they alone should
suffer from the want of accommodation, considering that they claim
no preference whatever over the male students, but simply seek ad-
mission by the same competitive examination as that by which male
students are admitted. The Morning Star takes up the cudgels on
their behalf, and asks:-
Why should they be shut out if their works prove on examination to he superior
to tiose of some of the mal candidates I It is vain to seek for a ustlllicitlin 0l such
1a concession ofl' monopoly to the tougher sex, yet It was only by proof of Intrinsically
greater excellence that the lemule studlenta were ever able to gain admissio, to
tile school, and they ask obrnothing more than the restoration of their ancient right."
The reason is clear enough. It is simply petticoat, and until female
students consent to leave their steel springs, horse-hair tubing, hoops,
and. stiff underclothing generally, at home, they will be excluded, and
very properly, from these classes. And yet in the very face of this
reason the Star asserts that:-
Whether the Royal Academy receives, as is proposed, Ma accession to its existing
space appears to us to be apart Irom the real issue involved 1"
Does it ? Then the Morning Star has never attended the classes of
which he speaks. We have.


"cELEMENT"-ARY HETERODOXY.
"THE RBV. CHARLES KINGSLEY has gone to Spain to avoid the
east wind now prevailing in England.- On dit."
The wind which rushes out of the east,
And never brings good to man or beast,
Found a rotary once-'twas KINGSLEY the poet-
Who praised it in verses none of the worst,
And welcomed the gust when it madly burst,
Whilst all sensitive people, united, cried blow it!"
But the rotary's views have changed with time,
He'd now have less troublesome themes for his rhyme,
And accordingly hastily bolted from Britain;
Perhaps he may learn in the warmness of Spain,
He'd better be orthodox, even profane,
And curse the east wind with a BnoWNINo or LYTTON.







[APlIL 9, 1864.


FUN.


NURSERY LEARNING.
Little Girl (reading) :--"S-H-E, SHE WAS A P-O-S-T-H-U-M-O-U-S CHILD. PLEASE WHAT IS A POSTHUMOUS CHILD ?"
Governess (evidently done) :-"WnY .... A-A POSTHUMOUS CHILD--WHY, IF YOU HAD BEEN BORN LONG AFTER YOUR MOTHER
IHAD DIED YOU WOULD BE A POSTHUMOUS CHILD!"


GARIBALDI.
A GREETING.
A nERO comes amongst us. Not with roar
Of cannon, or amid the serried lines
Of ranks, whose crest of steel and pennon shines
As welcome to him on our English shore.
No crowned hero he for whom the star,
The ribbon, and the order are prepared,
The homage of the proudest peers declared,
While in dominions iron-ruled afar,
A mighty army circles round a throne,
Based on their bayonets, which grimly awe
A nation craving liberty, and law,
And civil life, e'en such as is our own.
No king-no decorated soldier he-
No hireling general, whose honour thrives
Pinnacled grandly on a thousand lives;
Unlike all these our guest from o'er the sea.
Patriot of purest and of noblest mould !
lie who has held within his war-worn hand
The treasures countless of a grateful land,
And has disdained the tempting taint of gold.


Of his dear Italy shall blossom free
From end to end, his spirit cannot rest,
Till with bliss exquisite it shall be blest,
Viewing her unity from sea to sea!
Greatest of all the heroes who have fought
For kindred objects, his whole life has been
Of loftiest virtue and pure truth the scene,
And will be till his final work is wrought.

IF NOT, WINE NOT.
IT is reported from Naples, that a comet has been noticed which is
identified with that of 1811-the comet famous for giving its name to
a peculiarly good vintage. This revival of a luminary of the past
will be very encouraging to any gentleman who may be described as
one of the "has-bins." A good vine year is one of those general
benefits which does good to the producer, the buyer, and the cellar
alike.

Don't try it Hon(iton) I
Mn. GOLDSMID, one of the gentlemen who assisted in the pre-
sentation of the liberal seat at Brighton to the conservatives, is said
to be meditating a trial for the representation of Honiton. The
borough, on account of its manufactures, is of a somewhat laissez-
faire disposition, but we trust it will not give any countenance to a
gentleman whose jacket ought to be trimmed with something very
different from Honiton lacp Thint fenhri, is fnr tnn rllic-ae f'nr him;


Soldier of loftiest courage his good sword a little rough towelling is what he has earned by his strenuous efforts
Has-and for thirty years-been swiftly bared in the Conservative interest.
Wherever liberty lias once despaired
Of its existence. And until the sword LIFE'S PLAY-GROUND."-The churchyard.







FUN.-APRIL 9, 1864.


THE DERBY HOBBY.
Ben (the no-account Jockey) :-" WELL, MY NOBLE GOVERNOR, HAS HE ANY CHANCE 7"
Derby :-" THOSE BANDAGES, BEN, HAVEN'T DONE HIM ANY GOOD, HE'S UNCOMMON STIFF!"
I.








APRIL 9, 1864.] N 37


A PAGE IN HISTORY.


ALoNG a silent highway,
Great shades came slowly down-
The mighty dead-
Each on his head,
Wearing the laurel crown.
Their robes were white, and clouds of light
Before their'footsteps roll'd;
They carried shields
With silver fields,
And bosses of burnish'd gold.
A grand serenity lit up
The features of the band;
ii,_ These were they
Who night and day
Took Honour by the hand
They enter'd on that narrow path,
Nor turned them aside;
With noble deeds,
They cast no seeds:
Of selfishness or pride.
Acceptance in their legion,.
Came not by strength in. fight;
They all abhorr'd.
The felon sword.
That struck not for the right.
They formed a glorious squadron
Of manly age an&.youth;
rom- every land
There walk'd a band
Of witnesses for truth.
Roman and Greek, Briton and Gaul,
With hearts of purest gold;
And those great seers,
Those, mighty peers-
The Israelites of old.
Among theline, those were not least,
Who had been never known;
Whose noble worth,
Upon His earth,
Was kept by God alone..
But every now and then there pass'd
A shade of storied name;
And underneath
His laurel wreath
His title shone in flame.
HECTOB, the crystal-hearted,
THEMISTOCLES the great,
HoSATIus braves
Who stood to save
Rome at the Tiber gate,,
The high-souled CIxcrINATUS,
ARISTIDES the just;
LEONIDAS,
Who covered the Pass,
With.a carpet of crimson dust.
The noble CHaISTILA-lifted high
In Scandinavian rhyme;
And many more
Trod the jasper floor--
Priests of the ancient.time.


Now comes a Prince of Princes-
ALrrED, the warrior-sage;
Who cast a bright
Immortal light
On a dark barbaric age.
BAYARD-the field of whose pure heart
Bore no defacing soar;
And he whose fame
Hath a burning flame-
*Great HENRY of Na;vRRa
WALLAcE-whose deeds art banded
With Caledonian verse;
And TELL-whose hand
Cleans'd the mountain land
From the hated Austrian course.
GILBERT-the fearless mariner,
Who froze upon the deck;
Then HAMPDEN pass'd-
And his arm was cast
Around good.FALKLArND'' neck.
Along that sun-lit highway,
Run no conflicting tides;
Brave Royal bands
Clasp the nervous hands
Of the dauntless Ironsides.
And now, with branches of the palm,
The corners of the stake;
The martyr host,
Whose greatest boast
Was death for conscience sake.
Each looked upon his brother,
As a leader and a king;
But no one knew,
How grandly true,
Was his own metallic ring.
And I asked myself, as the shades swept out,
Under the crystal trees,
In our day,
What hero may
Clain fellowship with these P
And I heard the hum of love that burn'd
To bear its grand old part;
Burn'd to break out
In the regal shout
Of the mighty English heart.
And then I saw a vision-
A sick man on a bed-
A captive-yet
Hi might have set
A crown upon his head.
In the battalion of the Good
A prince shall be enroll'd;
Thetime will come
When the glorious sum
Of his manhood shall be told.
Of all the ancient chieftains,
He is a royal son-
For a kingly place
In the stainless race,
Hath GARIBALDI won.


~ _-CE ~









38 F N.[APRIL 9, 1864.


THE BARON KLOPFZETTERHEIM;
OR,
THE BEAUTIFUL BERTHA AND THE BIG BAD
BROTHERS OF BONN.
FYTTE THE FOURTH.
SOW figure vous
The terrible stew
Of two young noblemen (stout
ones, too),
Each in a cask, which a clumsy
crew
Had topsyturvy placed, in lieu
Of setting it down as they ought
to do!
Of course these people none of
them knew
Of the couple of nice young
gentlemen, who
Were turning a most unusual
hue,
From scarlet and purple to indigo blue,
As the blood to their head in a cataract flew;
Who'd have raised a roaring hullaballoo,
But that they feared to furnish a clue
To their hiding-place, for they thought on a few
Of the terrible things that would then fall due.
So they cursed away at each clumsy boor,
And as their chances of life grew fewer,
They swore that gold should never allure
Their innocent minds to thoughts impure;
But in spite of these good resolves, these poor
Young men grew bluer, and bluer, and bluer.
It's always an awkward thing, popping the question-
Refusals agree with few people's digestion;
So nine out of ten men are dreadfully slow about it-
Their minds are unsettled and change to and fro about it,
Because they don't know how young people should go about it;
They hesitate so about it,
So frightened, I trow, about it;
They deserve to get married, and that's all I know about it.
OTTO well knew
That the right thing to do
Was to say what he meant, and in syllables few.
So he ventured to say,
In his tenderest way,
The man now before you
Lives but to adore you."
(With all that he said I'm not going to bore you;
Not that I'm anxious to make any myth of it,
But I think you'll be satisfied, quite, with the pith of it;
He talked as talk WILKINSON, JOHNSON, or SMITH of it.)
Then his right hand he placed
Round her delicate waist,
As well as he was in the cellar pitch-dark able. He
Wound up by adding, I love you re-mark-able-y ;"


And when BERTHA indignantly answered him, What, man,
An offer-ha! ha !-from the family potman!
My father your hide with his cudgel shall flay, man,
And teach you respect, you impertinent drayman;


In a moment your insolent manners he'll cure !"
"I'm no more a drayman," says OTTO, "than you're-
A proof I'll afford you of this satisfactory;"
And though an extremely indifferent actor, he
Took from his waistcoat a big parchment roll, and
Proceeded to go through The fair land of Poland,"
And handed the deed at the ballad's conclusion
To BERTHA, who stood overwhelmed with confusion.


She read the recitals
Of honours and titles,
From the opening words of the deed-" "fid 3itrhptniture,"
To "In witness whereof," with the air of a bencher
(That she understood nothing, my fortune I'll stake on it).
Then remarking she'd no requisitions to make on it,
With appropriate action to OTTO returned it,
And let him shake hands; and I think he had earned it.


Oh, careful papa!
Oh, prudent mamma!
Oh, uncle! oh, brother which ever you are,
Whose well-lighted halls
See parties and balls,
Whose daughters go out and pay stiff morning calls,
And who think this proceeding,
Of which you've been reading,
Not quite in accordance with lailylike breeding,-
Remember her father, detestably mean,
Whose servant for fifteen long years she had been-
Cooking poor dinners and scrubbing floors clean,
And that OTTO was always considered, I ween,
The handsomest noble that ever was seen.
(To be continued.)

DON'T BE RIDDLE-ICULOUS!
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-Permit me to present you with the latest from Court. It
occurred to my (if I may be allowed the expression) mind this morn-
ing as I was blacking boots. Here it is:-" Why is the PRINCE OF
WALES, going to call on the King of the Belgians at his present resi-
dence, like a gambler who cannot lose ?"-Because he's bound to
Win, sir. You see ? Yours obediently,
CH-RL-S PH-PPS.

THE DANISH QUESTION: ADVICE TO THE FOREIGN SECRETARY
-"RUSSELL! Square!"








Ap IL 9, 1864.] F U N 39
q., I al


THE. CORPORAL AT THE CHRISTENING.
SURE that was the swate christening
Where lovely eyes were glistening,
While every ear. was listening
To the listed Christian's cries,
And all our thoughts were dwelling
On that day, no nurse foretelling,
When that "young recruit" was selling
Ould physicians grand and wise..
I was thinking of the story
Of the birth of "England's Glory,"'
When me comrade loudly swore he
Was to ancient Britain thrue ;
And sure everybody knows
How with ne'er a stitch of clothes
He first showed his Royal nose,
Bid they didn' paint him blue.
Arrali still it makes me wild
To rimimber how the child,
All so bare, was. getting spiled
On that either frosty day,
Until a sporting mathron*
Put on her best silk apron,
To thrate her new-born pathron
In her own maternal way.
ts now time for me to. tell
How would Ireland's Hope did yell
When his Grace-the lawn-sleeved' swffal*
Nearly druve him in a fit
With cauld weather that did smell'
As swate as any belle,
Perfumed by one RIMMEL,
Like the playbill in the pit.
They brought that weather fine,
As if it had been wine,
From far-off Palestine,
And Jordan's well-known sthrame;'
But if every other river
Flowed from the same great Giver,
Cbnfound me if I ever
Can see what's in the name.
Faith!. me Lord Archbishop's breast
Isn't quite the kind of nest
Where the child could calmly rest
With the mother standing by;
But the baptism be blest,
For his chest has stood the test,
And his lungs are of the best,
Since he gave that lusty cry.
When the ladies in their arms
Took the boy, then his alarms
Soon they banished with their charms,,
Till he could no longer weep;
Faith.! brave boys, that's just the tthratnmift
Was for us, small and great, mint;
To be our woes abatemiht,
And make all our sorrows sleepi-
I must lave thim swate caresses
Of eligint countesses,
With di'monds in their thresses,
And be-carrying back me tale
To the grand baptizing place,
Where the Prince's little face
Was:half-dhrownded by his Grace'
With Holy Land weather rale.
The baby, we were tould,
As Christian soldier bould,
Was then and there enrowl'd,
And ALBERT VICTOR named-
His fight to be victorious,
His name for ever glorious,
Like ALBERT'S and VICTORIA'S,
For every vartue famed.

The COUNTIES OF MACCLESFIELD.


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCIIARD.
SMIrr.-Have you heard the news? The Tories are dissatisfied
with their D'ISRkBLITISH leader in the Commons, and are going to
try GENERAL PEEL.
BROWN.-What, my loud speaking ex-minister of war ? Que
.Des vult perdere, c$o.," and so on.
I SITH.-In this case, explain the application of the sentence.
B'owN.-Explain! Bless me! Don't you see they are throwing
awray the fruit, and the Tory tree is not very fertile, and taking up
with the bark or PEEL.

Snir.-Does the Flat at Newmarket. tarleita namfrokmm itstpro-
prietors ?
] .RowN.-What do you mean?'
a irra.-Well, the Committee of the Jockey Cl'ub have so distin-
guishedi themselves in the mater of Asn~iue that I thought the name
was an appropriate compliment, to'them.
BRo"w.-I have a firstrate idoa for the Government on the con-
Vit question.
Siwrn-And' it is--
BBowt.-This. No one knows what to do with our convicted
chiieBf Ohe country declines to receive them, and another won't have
thatr The policeman:k'noks them down, and the law takes them up,
wltmb following their vocation, Well, I propose1 in order to get rid
of them, and' also not to prevent their getting w lelihood,, to let them
sAal-out of the. country !
BlowwN.,-Shrious case that of M..A ,Ztman, tAAi.,
8MIT -.-A mere one of damages.
Brw-oni -msense, it was a criminal aSVI
1 SMm -TYes but still a mere- questiam of dmiaageos Look here I
oIoux diselared he had; already received duqage~ fitm ARMAND ; the
jp~ay xi adlhe had not; but as he might have done so, the judge deter-
maks tt4lnot having had the damages before the trial, he should
b tW 916am afterwards, and so fined M. ARMAND 20,000 francs.

fi:i3 m-i4dand sailors, the Prussians I
*IWJl,-Wel, they didn't exactly smother themselves withgibn y
&tM s fi haf o Swinemunde.
boliMtbr taMps not; but they displayed a quality which is
d saddaeitas the better part of valour, and much superior to
i aMe iutteaded bravery of Englishmen or, Dhnes-prudenoe.
= mdi1iteptsran away to save themselves ftm Being Beaten.
srnaoi-seVor, argument is fine; but what some call prudence I
AjhwliMmairi addi funk.


IU ltUrnL3IIc 00L3-IRaTVRAL GARDENS.
R~kWe PJt`a~niMtir,% Bitrt., and Mn. COLr, C.B, have already
entbalion their duties as gardeners at the Horticultural Gardens
alSbut6t Lsensington. Of course with their experience of garden
tlbteS.aadliplyed' at the late meetings of the Society, they have made
fuli e arrangementas filbthlseasom.
Relative' of onevoff thetgentlemaeen f e fftba noted' for the supply
of paste-boards and pinwTrequired) for rolling the grounds. The same
Rasty isa'reto)supply a dbaiel bo ,o ahebo of dea (the two gentlemen
M not quitesure-whioh),, fbr Borders.
They have already set their caps at the nobility, and are looking
forward. anxiously to their coming up. As for their slips they feel
confident that they can boast a finer show of them than any one else in
the same line. Plants, of course, they know all about;. in fact, they
are so identified with the objects of their interest, that they are them-
selves considered by many two of the finest plants in the gardens.
A connexion of one of them is to supply needles as soon as the
weather is settled enough for sowing; and an intimate friend of both,
and a large clothier, is to be employed in dressing the ground.
Altogether the gardens will present an unprecedented appearance.
A crystal platform is being laid down for dancing, and the services of
an efficient band have been secured. A well-known restaurateur is
in treaty for the provisioning department, and it is rumoured that
BLONDIN'S services will be secured by Sin WENTWORTH and Mn.
CbLB if the Horticultural Society will only give them rope enough
for the performance.

WHY IS A JOURNEY BY RAILWAY LIE A STREET ROW P-
Because it is a low commotion (locomotion).


N=~B








rA -,r T 1AfiA


40 TH HS
THE HOUSE OF DON-KEYS, AND
\\ -..: '- .. ',- MR. JAMES BROWN.


TERRIFIC EVENT.
YES, YES, IT'S VERY PLEASANT TO SPEND THREE WEEKS OR SO AT OLD FOUNDER'S
PLACE, IN SURREY, DURING THE SHOOTING SEASON; BUT THAT'S NO REASON WHY HE,
WHEN DOING THE LONDON THEATRES, SHOULD FROM THE PIT VIOLENTLY RECOGNIZE
YOU, WHO ARE INNOCENTLY ENJOYING THE SOCIETY OF THE HON. MRS. DE POQUET
AND HER CHARMING DAUGHTER, MAKING YOU AWARE OF HIS PLEASANT PROXIMITY BY
A GENTLE TAP ON THE BRAIN PAN.


GARIBALDI IN ENGLAND!
THE Italian Patriot is coming to visit us. We trust that all Englishmen will crowd
to do honour to this noble, unselfish man, distinguished by simple indomitable faith, chival-
rous heroism, and an utter abnegation of ambition, very rare in this age-perhaps in all ages.
We would remind the volunteers especially, that he was one of the first to give encouragement
to the rifle movement, and wrote a letter advocating its cause, at a time when his authority
and experience were invaluable aids. We shall feel much disappointed if he is not welcomed
by all our volunteers-as a matter of corps.


A LAY or MONA.

HAIL to old Mona's island!
Hail to the House of Keys!
Woe to the luckless editor,
Who fails that House to please !
In vain the men of Douglas,
Shall strive to drain their town;
In vain the local papers print
The articles of BROWN.
For though the men of Douglas,
Headed by MR. BROWN,
Thought drainage, docks, and harbours,
Would much improve their town,
The honourable body
They style the House of Keys,
Thus disallowed the measure,
And ridiculed their pleas:
"In vain, ye men of Douglas,
For docks and drains ye pray;
In vain ye urge your township,
For docks and drains will pay;
In vain ye shall petition,
Your reasons and your pleas
Alike have failed to satisfy
The mighty House of Keys."
Now when the men of Douglas
Heard that the House of Keys
Thus ridiculed the measure,
And disallowed their pleas,
Their spirit burned within them;
And luckless MR. BROWN
Attacked the luckless House of Keys,
Who thus oppressed their town.
And when the sapient lawgivers
Read the remarks of BROWN,
Each radiant smiling countenance
Then wore a sable frown.
They summoned him before them,
They called him to the bar,
And thus addressed the culprit
Who dared their peace to mar:
"And you,, sir, contumacious,
Who thus have dared to write
Against our power and majesty,
Our wisdom, and our might,
In order your example
May make offenders quail,
For six months we imprison thee
Within the Douglas gaol."
Hurrah for the wise body
"\Who rule man's destinies !
Hurrah for Mona's destinies-
The sapient House of Keys !
Weave, weave for each wise senator
A spangled motley gown;
Let jester's cap and bauble be
Their sceptre and their crown.
Now where the mighty Thunderer
Sits in his sanctum lone;
Where the all-powerful Telegraph
Utters its manly tone;
Where Morning Advertiser
Quotes rum or brandy's price;
Where the Express or Magnet
Writeth of corn or rice;
Where, gaily clad in motley,
The editor of FUN
Sits in his sanctum altering
Choicest bon-mot or pun;
Where Field, the sportsman's organ,
Treateth of fish or game;
Shall be great fear on all who hear
Old Mona's mighty name.


Printed by JUDD & ULASS,, 779, & 80, Fleet-steet, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 9, 1864.


rU TT N


I I v j








APRIL 16, 1864.]


FUN.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHES AT THE PBBS.

IS GRACE
THE DUKE
OF NEW-
CASTLE is
compelled
to give up
office, by
ill health;
andtheself-
confident
Pre mier,
instead of
seeking to
strengthen
his Govern-
ment by
the infusion
as of new
blood, sim-
ad ply shumfes
whis cards,
not well,
and puts
CARDWELL in the Duke's place. Poor CARDWELL having been a
rst-class at Oxford-double first, I think-and not being anything
ore than that, is not likely to become a notability. University
onours fall to men like GLADSTONE, because they are the accidents
in the career of a mighty intellect, but those who painfully climb
to the head of the class-list are worth little after such mental exertion.
In this reading for honours, like rowing at Putney, there is a mighty
hurrahing at the time, but the drains on vitality and brain are too
great in each instance, and bodily and mental deterioration is too often
the result. However, Mn. CARDWELL has pulled bow-oar in the
Government long enough to know how to keep time and trim the
boat, and that is something.
OF course the universal and irrepressible Briton is making himself
as remarkable as usual at Duppel. One youth was not to be persuaded
off the roof of the mill there, from which not too safe eminence he
had such a splendidview of the row. It is to be hoped MR. KING-
LAKE will take pity on these eccentrics, and write the history of the
war. Do you remember his splendid description of the results of the
infusion of British pluck and endurance into the Turkish troops on
the Danube by the presence of one or two young Englishmen ?
I HOPE when MR. BLACK brings in his Copyright Bill this session,
some attempt will be made to put down a growing system of
plagiarism which is bringing the press into disrepute. There is, as
we know, one newspaper which boldly professes to reprint the cream
of its contemporaries, but there are other weekly organs which do
likewise, but don't confess to the "borrowing." In one paper of
large circulation leaders from the Times are calmly assimilated as
original articles with the simple addition of a sensation heading. I
frequently find paragraphs from FUN taken without acknowledgment
to swell the "facetious column" of a weekly, and I have marked
down the art criticisms of the Illustrated Times in a good many covers.
Is copyright like property in feathered game ? It looks very like it,
and it would hardly pay to employ gamekeepers to look after it.
Apropos of art, I see the Royal Academy while making some con-
siderable concessions, does not quite swallow the nostrum prescribed by

startlingly violent, half the dose may be taken, and the rest left to
nature. The number of members and associates, however, must be
enlarged. The nation, which is daily advancing in love and knowledge
of art, will not quietly see some of its best artists standing like dis-
consolate Peris without the gates of the National Gallery.
I SEE GLADSTONE invited the exhibitors of the Workmen's Exhibi-
tion at Lambeth to dinner, and showed them his collection of pictures
and art treasures. I am glad to find he is moving more among the
working classes, who will soon find out his good qualities beneath his
cloak of reserve. If the University of Oxford would but turn him
out of his representation he would lose little, and the country would
gain much. He is hampered and trammelled by his connection with
a body which has by its decision in the JOWETT matter forfeited all
respect, regard, and consideration.


STRANGE, INDEED !-The best instrument to "cut a dash" with in
the world, is, strange to say, not sharp, but "blunt "


FINISHED EDUCATION.


CONTRIBUTED BY AN ANTIQUE SPINSTER.
PRAY listen, ladies, young and old,
To my pathetic ditty;
For I have been well-bred and taught,
In London's far-famed city.
My father was a wealthy cit,"
Of honest reputation,
And he'd determined I should have
A finished education.
Now'I could sing Italian songs,
And write in pure French diction;
And tell the names of all the stars,
Defying contradiction.
Could quote the Magna Charta's date,
Describe the Reformation,
Or write NAPOLEON'S life-for I'd
A finished education.
Could paint on velvet or in oils,
And talk a little German;
And copy off from shorthand notes
All my pet curate's sermon.
Could do frivolity and knit,
As well became my station;
For I received at boarding school,
A finished education.
Now though I counted beaux by scores,
Yet none e'er made an offer;
And in my old age I'm the theme
Of every ill-bred scoffer.
They wanted wives who'd cook and scrub,
And fill a menial station;
And not a lass like me, who'd had
A finished education.
Now, ladies all, take my advice,
Whate'er may be your station,
Don't think because you've quitted school,
You've finished education.
And if a husband you would win,
Allow me just to mention,
That household cares and management
Have claims on your attention.
For though men like Italian songs,
Yet every saint or sinner-
Unless my view of nature's wrong-
Prefers a well-cooked dinner.
And therefore if you cannot fill
A model housewife's station,
Don't pride yourselves that yours is quite,
A finished education.


A Hit to Point.
ADVICES from Battersea state that great dissatisfaction prevails on
account of the monopoly of a part of the park by the Civil Service
Cricket Club. FUN is of course an enthusiast at the noble game, as
well as all other healthful amusements (among which he counts the
perusal of his own unrivalled publication), still there are limits to
everything, and monopolies of no kind should exist. However, hlie is
always ready to find an excuse wherever such an article may exist,
and in this case he supposes that the C. S.C. C., having once had an
innings on the ground, like all good cricketers object to being put out.

THE FIRST, BUT NOT, WE HOPE, THE LAST OF HER SEX.
Miss ELIZABETH GARRETT-all praise to her pluck !
Has passed like a man at the Hall;
When she's gained some more knowledge
She'll pass at the College,
And come out full licensed to ease of fees
Her patients. Here's wishing her luck !

STUFF!-Is there any connection between "killing time" and
"instant execution ?"
THE old name for a doctor was a leech.--Was that because he
always stuck to his fees ? Query by our special ignoramus.


VOL. VI. F


4&.


~L4~


i!ffi;l~Ri--~--~------------------------








42 FUN. [APIL 16, 1864.
42 F U N.

In high-flown language his courtship marks-
POETRY AND PROSE. In this he differs from town-bred sparks-
Buit, warmly his suit he presses;


No. I.-"LovE IN A COTTAGE."
POETRY.
TaH fiery youth, who startles the town
With his broadcloth coat and beard of down,
Arrived at the fearfully hot age
Of twenty, hath chosen his future wife,
And begged her to bear his name for life,
And share without contention or strife
The joys of "Love in a cottage."
He vows that when he has made her his own,
They will ramble each morn mid the hay new mown,
Ne'er dreaming of autumn or winter;
Or should she vote that amusement slow,
They would roam at noon, neathh the sun's warm glow,
Or rifle the banks whereon blackberries grow,
Disregarding bramble or splinter.
Their time, ere breakfast, they would devote
To milking their cow, or sheep, or goat,
Or cabbage or broccoli cutting;
In summer for lunch they would take some bread,
And seat themselves near the strawberry bed,
And pick and eat till their fingers were red ;
And in autumn go a nutting.
In winter (she knew he was very fond
Of skating) he'd skate on the frozen pond,
Where in summer the cattle gambolled;
Or should she deem that not warm enough,
She might wrap herself up in shawl and muff,
And go for a walk, clad in cape or cuff,
And he'd do spoons while they rambled.
And their cottage ? It should be fit for a theme
Wrought out in some poet's joyous dream,
Or like a painting by WATTEAU:
It should have French windows to open, that if
(The while he enjoyed his matutinal whiff)
She felt so disposed, his spouse might sniff
The odour of roses-not otto.
The pictures should blazon their new-found joys,
And the Dresden china, or gilded toys,
That stand on sideboard or table,
Should represent shepherd or shepherdess,
In the self-same rustic dandified dress,
That should deck the form of his darling BEss,
(If that were her name) or iMABEL.
He begs her to fly from the crowded town,
And in the country they'll settle down,
And eat their lentils and pottage;
For only there can husband and wife
Enjoy, secure from confusion and strife,
The joys of Love in a cottage."
PROSE.
As the toad that squat by our mother's ear,
When touched by the bright ITHUBIEL'S spear,
Became a gigantic devil,
So, Romance, however grand it may loom
In futurity's dim and mystical gloom,
When assailed by fact is forced to assume
Its proper dimensions and level.
Having glanced at the poetry we come to the fact,
And take in due order the second act
Of our prose and poetical drama;
And there endeavour to show the life
Of a "son of the soil," when he takes a wife,
'Till the time he leaves all contention and strife
In our pen-and-ink panorama.


And though flock, not feathers, must be their bed;
Though theirs is no hypocrite's prayer for bread;
The maid, as'she bashfully hangs her head,
Says" Yes," and returns his' caresses.
Having wedded andlodged-our man and wife,
We'll take a glimpse at their daily life-
Of course, with their cordial permission;
They rise in themorning before the sun,
And ere their daily labour is done
His glorious course has long been run,-
Theirs is toil without intermission.
There is hay to mow, and wheat to reap,
He must hold the plough, and fold the sheep,
And groom the horses, in order to keep
Their bodies and souls together;
An industrious life lives the "son of the soil,"
It's work! work work! and toil! toil! toil!
In broiling or freezing weather.
If the statement of Dn. WATTs be true,
That the gentleman painted a sable hue
Finds plenty of mischief for those to do
Who have no proper employment,
Then our hero must be the most moral on earth,
For he has no time to joy at the birth
Of his first-born babe; or to grieve when his wife
Exchanges the woes of this mortal life
For heaven's unalloyed enjoyment.
But their cottage ? The bard need be inspired,
Or his brain with an extra frenzy fired,
In order to draw that dwelling,
With its walls of mud, and roof of thatch,
Its broken windows, with paper patch,
And the holey door, with its wooden latch,
A tale of discomfort telling.
No fancy sketches adorned its walls,
No pictures of pic-nics, routs, or balls;
No banquets in old ancestral halls;
No view of mansion or.kirk-house;
But in mockery there, as the scene to crown,
Hangs a print of the neighboring county town,
With its graveyards, gaols, and workhouse.
And thus he lives on from youth to age
In his cottage- (some authors have written it cage)-
Just a slight protection from storms that rage
O'er common, or fen, or marish;
When his labours cease-he receives the dole
.(Just to keep together his body and soul)-
Of an annual couple of bushels of coal,
And a weekly loaf from the parish.
And when dead, they tumble him into a shell,
Like the far-famed razors--made only to sell,
And the hearse drives up with a clatter;
The burial service is quickly read
Over the grave of the pauper dead;
One applicant less for the parish bread !"
That's the PRACTIcAL view of the matter.

CRUMBS OF CONSOLATION.
BY ONE INCLINED TO MAKE THE BEST OF EVERYTHING.
NEVER mind; a man can't be old more than once, and that's a
consolation.
Never mind; if you haven't a sovereign in your pocket no one can
rob you of it, and that's a blessing.
Never mind; if you miss a train you don't have to wait for it, and
that's a comfort.
Never mind ; if you are compelled to go without a dinner you won't
be troubled with indigestion.
Never mind; if you make a pun that nobody laughs at you won't
be obliged to hear it repeated.
Never mind; if these half-dozen paragraphs are of no good they
might have been worse, and that's a great consolation.


Our hero-we need not find him a name,
For we may be sure he's unknown to fame,
Or else we are sadly mistaken-
Having got a cottage, sighs for a wife
To double the joys of his future life,
And boil his cabbage and bacon.


I


I








Ai APRIL 16, 1864.]


FU'N.


VIVE LES BRAVES PRUSSES!
THE Prussian troops are distinguishing themselves more and more
every day. Need we say, that we have carefully studied the letters-of
all "our own correspondents" and "special commissioner" at the seOtW
of war. From their communications we have drawn up the following
set of rules, which appear to be the guiding stars of the Prussian
army. Should we be incorrect, and we are but men and therefore
fallible, perhaps the war office at Berlin, or MARSHAL VON WRANGEL
himself, will kindly set us right:-
Rules for the guidance of the Prussian army in Schleswig and&
Holstein, and in Denmark generally.
1. On entering any town of the country, you have come to free
from hateful oppressors; show the uprightness of your intentions
towards the inhabitants by practically exemplifying to them, that
you, at any rat, know how to help yourselves-to everything you can
ilay hands on.
2. Never attieipt to attack the'enemy, unless you posiess- a;- Yfth i
fest numerical' superiority, say ftr to one; since nothing is, so dis-
couraging to soldiers as to be 1t~W~e; and with equal number's, this
result must invariably follow in all cont-est with the codaidly Danes.
S3. Wlitiordered to advance to attack- a fortress, andi your officers-
shout "vorwarts!" reply nieu," Obedience is one thing, but to bli
killed is' quitl aA'other, and although this latter catastrophe is of'
course d6titemplated in war, ydt as yO6nare men who Ihave but one
life to lsej. and riot cats who have nine, the loss is attended wiTf so
mucht personal inconvenience, that it is quite allowable to resist the
deprivation by all the means- i your power.
4. In fufsherknce of rule No. 3, you are advised, whenever it is
possible, to-prefer our noble allies, the Austrians, to the post of danger.
They are proverbially stupid, and don't mind been killed, which is
more than cant be said of the i'ussian warriors.
5. Revenge- is sweet all the world over, and if the Danes will
persist in holding Diippel, to Which they have clearly no right, when
you desire to enter it, and should you be able to make but little im-
pression ont their works by a.libmbardment, try the effect of bombard-
ing the town of Sonderburg% without, however, giving any notice of.
your intentions. It is true this fatter step will make no difference
to the fortress, and a good many non-combatants may be killed, and it
is against the rules of civilized warfare; but what of that ?-it is sure
to have a good effect, and convince the world at large how little the
brave Prussians are bound by the absurd rules of conventionality,
6. Finally, to sum up, steal everything you can-war must support
war-and kill all you can (especially those who cannot defend
themselves), but particularly avoid being killed yourself in return.
By a strict attention to the foregoing rules, the brave Prussian
army will be enabled to live long and pleasantly in the land to which
they have been despatched by their noble and enlightened king.

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITHa.-Noble fellows, the Prussians!
BRowN.-So you said last week.
SMITH.-And I repeat it. The Kresz-Zeitutg declares that they
give up all the valuables found on the dead Danes to their superior
officers. There's honesty for you!
BRowN.-And you believe it ?
SMITH.-Of course I do.
BROWN.-Well, then, all I can say is that your powers of credulity
while jumping at that conclusion land instead in the realms of
imagination.
SMITH (apropos).-Were or were not the three hundred Hungarians
in the Austrian army shot at Horseus for mutiny ? The Siecle says
they were, and brings forward an eye-witness, and the Austrian papers
say they weren't, and doesn't bring any witnesses. Now whichis true ?
BRowN.-Oh, the former, probably.
SMITH.-Why so ?
BRowN.-Because as they wanted to rise against the Austrians,
the Austrians took the rise out of them by shooting them.
SMITH.-POUr encouraqer les autres. Very likely.
BROWN.-So the Spaniards, like the Americans, are finding out the,
disadvantages of not paying their debts.
SMITH.-How so ?
BRowN.-Why their papers are complaining about the Spanislh
name being odorous in the European markets, and suggest that thd
reproach should be removed as soon as possible. And yet, after all,
they gave their creditors a species of house property as an equivalent.,
SMITr.-Landed security Nonsense Promises which they.
never kept.
BRow .-Exactly. Clhaleaux en Espagne !


THE RUINS AND THE RAILWAYS.
CRUMBLE, crumble down the houses,
Break the ceilings, rip the floors;
Dig out walls and wrench out panels,
Rend the staircase and the doors.
Half concealed by heavy dust-clouds,
Breaking from the scattered lime,
See them working out destruction
On those skeletons of time.
Step by step, but surely, surely,
They are loosening the stones;
Thud, and thud, and thud we hear them,
Fall in mournful monotones.
Antoi'et lines and ancient fashions,
Grim memorials -dbw~at elt;
IN our delving for the' present~
We must barrow out the pastL
While along that future high*Aw
Clotthl' of ashy mortar rolled'
Close t stood to wArt h the crowbars
Baitigt atvthe thiings of old.
London, as-it *as departeth
From an oli' lhan's puzzled gazn ;
Change-that hevwy coultered ploughsharo-
Turns the sod ofT other days.
Then, as now, di l'lbve and hatred,
Tide-like, surf ftpon the mind1;.
Hark I hear them is it fiancy.
Or the eddies of the wind ?
Furrowing out a road where every
Tide of human feeling ran;
All the good and all the evil
:Breakin, from the heart of man.
See that desolated chamber,
There a first-born took its rest,
On the soft maternal tremble
Of a happy mother's breast.
From that door, half glad, half mournful,
Stepped the newly-married wife;
Up that staircase toiled a woman,
Sick and weary of her life.
There two souls for years of loving
Shared each other's joy and pain;
Just below two hearts were sundered,
And they never met again.
In that chamber there was feasting,
Flowery speeches deftly said;
Down the street a famished brother,
Waited for a bit of bread.
Kneeling in that far-off corner,
Little children said their prayers;
And 'twas there a thankless miser
Fell and died upon the stairs.
Up from out the heaps of ruin
Groups of shadowy forms arise;
E'en the very air seems laden
With the swell of ghostly sighs.
Some few walk with happy faces,
Shining through their veils of light;
Others wring their hands-a legion
Robed in vestments of the night.
One dark figure, all a-tremble,
Lost a secret should be told,
Strives with vain and spectral wrestling,
As the crowbar strikes the mould.
To and fro the mildewed paper
Waves within the shattered room,
Like a shroud from broken coffin,
And it whispers through the gloom.
Thus old memories are buried,
In our present restless day;
Thus old London changeth feature,
Thus old London scales way.


Mar -- -- -- - ---------


40,









4-1




-- ---->


[APRIL 16, 1864.


FUN.


SLIGHTLY "OSSEY."
Dealer (on horse) :-"WENT TO THE JOBJASTEES' BALL OTHER NIGHT-DANCED WITH YOUR SISTER."
Second .Dillo :-"ID YOU ? NICE LITTLE 'ACK, AIN'T SHE, DON'T YER THINK ?"


THE NEW SONG FOR APOTHECARIES ALL.

iEIiE'S to.the maiden whose wits are so keen,
She finds out a new occupation ;
The very first woman that England has seen
Pass a medical examination.'
Let the girls pass;
Why shouldn't a lass
Take the highest degree in a medical class ?
Here's to ELIZABETH GARRETT, the brave,
The bold, and determined young woman,
Who five years of study has gone through to save
Life by skill that much better has no man !
SLet the girls pass ;
Why shouldn't a lass
Take the highest degree in a medical class ?
Here's to the lady who's found out the way
To make invalids like their condition;
We'd swallow the whole of the mnat. medical
From the hands of a pretty physician.
Let the girls pass ;
From the hand of a lass
The nastiest stuff would taste nice in a glass.
So when pressed by their mothers to marry rich men,
Let all girls with spirit say No, ma !
We'll grow rich by our skill, study physic, and then,
Like Miss GARRETT, acquire our diploma."
Let the girls pass;
That doctor's an ass
Who's afraid of his fees being reducedby a lass.


A Sc-sc(bei) Article.
IN the Cornhill Magazine for April is an article on "Club-house
Sobriety," which so priggishly treats the question of temperance
among the working classes that it is absolutely laughable. One
passage, which speaks very condescendingly of "shopmen and clerks
in business establishments," is as faultless in taste as in grammar. It
declares that when one of these young men has been guilty of excesses
-of course none but shopmen and clerks in business houses are ever
guilty of excesses-" a severe headache the next day and a smart
reproof from the employer generally atones for the indiscretion."
We dare say they does!" Will the author take a lesson or two in
grammar from the class he sneers at ?

Not Before it was Wanted.
A LECTURE has been given at Sible Hedingham, on Witchcraft.
Considering the exhibition the parishioners of that benighted hamlet
made of themselves in the murder of the unhappy Frenchman, we
should say that instruction was much needed there, since though the
schoolmaster may be abroad, we should say the Sible Hedinghamites
had certainly never been included in his visitations.

COMFORTING FOR THE GENERAL.
GARIBALDI will be so well received in England that he will feel
quite at home. The whole island takes off its hat to him, and will
therefore only seem like another Cap-rearer. (Oh!)

TRUE, BUT UNPLEASANT-FOR HIM.
THE Tories having succeeded in ejecting MR. STANSFELD from
office, comfort that unfortunate Italian sympathizer with the assurance
that he is an out and out minister.


I k







FUJN.-APRIL 16, 1864.


HERO v. BARD.
Bard:--"COME, I SAY, OLD FELLOW, DON'T GO AND SNUFF ME OUT; GT IT OVfER
BEFORE THE 23RD."
Hero :-"AH! I WONDER WHETHER MY COUNTRYMEN WILL REMEMBER MI E TilE 11';1 I) I)I:1)
YEARS HENCE?"








APRIL 16, 1864.]


FUJN.


f7l in VHarilamnnt .

HOUSE OF COMMONS.-MONDAY, 4-TH APRIL.
Ox the reassembling after the Easter holidays, we noticed that
nearly every honourable member had treated himself to a new suit of
clothes, and, as it was Monday, the clean shirt of the previous day was
a tolerably respectable thing.
MR. AD.IR asked leave of absence for MR. STIRLING, who was too
unwell to serve on the Lisburn Election Committee. Mn. HARRIS,
the medical attendant of MR. STIRLIS gave evidence to that effect
at the bar of the House. He looked dreadfully frightened. Mn.
HUNT pointed out that the necessary absence of MR. STIRLING
rendered the committee nothing more than a mummy. MR. ADAIR
looked upon its condition as that of trance, but it was very evident
that nobody knew anything about it. So they all said, Let's ask the
lawyers."
ME. HENRY BERKELEY stated that his baby might be expected
just after Whitsuntide. From what we hear we believe the child has
not cut any more teeth. In reply to Mn. B. OSBORNE, LORD PAL-
MERSTON said that the German Diet had not yet answered an invita-
tion to the Congress. We have reason to believe that this precious
conclave of humbugs are in the habit of indulging in all kinds of
Teutonic oaths to each other.
MR. STANSFELD then rose to say that he had decided to leave the
Ministry. Of course, it was foreseen that thus it must be. Here is
a fairly clever and very useful man, who has cut himself off from the
chance of doing the State service, by striving to sit upon two stools.
LORD PALMERSTON spoke as handsomely as he could, but the Premier
must be very glad to get rid of so indiscreet a subordinate. No one
with any vestige of forethought looked upon MR. STANSFELD'S
continuance in the Ministry as other than impossible.
Mn. LONG, on the Post-office Mails, made a great fuss about nothing,
and after some members had declared that the world must go to pieces
if their several districts were not better treated, ME. LONG found
that POPE or COWPER (we forget which) had truly described the
feeling of the House towards him. We don't wish to be more
explanatory.
On the Naval Estimates, MR. CORRY spoke in an awful way about
forty-three iron-clads belonging to France, but Lonu C. PAGET came
to the assistance of the frightened Commons, by .' ihi.- down the
total to sixteen. MS. LAIRD battled for private enterprise in ship-
-".1 'l.-, and spoke as MR. LAIRD. His speeches are generally nuts
of small dimensions, and nothing much to look at, but the kernel
fills up the shell somehow.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TUESDAY.
The EARL OF DERBY thought that Metropolitan Railways ought
to behave liberally to the working-classes, and instanced the London,
Chatham, and Dover as setting a very good example.
EARL IRUSSELL, on the Kearsage affair, said that we ought to take
the word of the Federal officer. Before we jump down his throat,
let us see how the Government will act. It is rather nasty for a
country, that their truthfulness is regarded as shady; but, touching
America, it must be confessed that a feeling of suspicion does exist,
whether deserved or not. In answer to the MAn Q s OF CLANaI-
CARDE, EARL RUSSELL would give up papers relating to the expulsion
of British Consuls from the Confederate States, but only on condition
that his prefix of so-called" be grafted in. EARL RUSSELL makes a
great pet of this half-clever phrase of his. There will not be much
longer occasion for it.
The ATTORNEY-GENERAL opened some legal loopholes for the
difficulties of the Lisburn Election Committee. It was necessary to
make Mn. STIRLING safe from that outstretched claw of the SERGEANT-
AT-ARMS. That being done, it would be necessary for the Committee
to ascertain if its body were dead or no. Most of the House looked
upon it as a fossil, and MR. PAULL and Mn. W. E. FORSTER
piteously asked, could any one tell them what they were to do ?
HOUSE OF COMM-ONS.-WEDNESDAY.
MR. LOCKE brought in a broom to sweep the Augean stable of
Jersey, that tight little island of illegality. Sweet place is Jersey
to owe money in ; but that's nothing; if you don't owe money, you
are equally in danger, or rather, if a man owes yo, money, it's slightly
worse, for if your debtor has any inkling that you wish to be paid,
he may at once swear that you owe him money, clap you into prison
with no tedious formalities, and next morning leave by the steam-
packet. The lawgivers, or jurats, as they are called, may be as
ignorant as is necessary for the due expounding of Jersey justice, sc
long as they pay rent of 30 a year. The chief magistrate or bailifl


is frightfully bullied; counsel often shake fists at each other, and
not unfrequently there is a lively combat over the desks.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TaIu'sD Y.
The EARL oF SitAFTESiTURY asked if the cowardly (erinalls had
really bombarded the town of Soudcrburg. Why does not (; ENIrAL
BUTLER apply for a post in the ranks of an army who 1woild ble glad
of such a chivalrous soldier ? He will be out of a situation before
long.


HOUSE OF COMMONS.
At twenty minutes to five, rose the CtANCIIE.I.O i or TIE EX-
CHEQUER to show the account books of the nation, and 'for more I than
three hours did WILLIAnt EwAu'r GrLADSTONE hold live haulndred
Commons and crowds of spectators spell-bound. With matchless
eloquence, acute reasoning, and exhaustive analysis, he gave a state-
ment which made DIzzY's hair curl, and caused Sill STA it'ol n NolrI'l-
COTE to knock in the crown of his own hat. (;I,AIiSTONE showed
cash in hand to the extent of 2,352,000, and thoii nas bold a:un
liberal enough to propose that nearly all be spent in the reduction of
taxes. After many little odds and ends of national convenieiinc, li
makes a dash at Fire Insurance revenue, gives us very cheap( sugar,
and once more does the Monster Income Tax get a dig in the ribs. IIt
was no use growling, there was nothing to growl at ; the Iludget is
provokingly good. GLADSTONE was in trim harneii ss; small men
looked for stray holes, but, misrrieorlr, lhe was all bristles. Of course
there were little feeble dabs madeat him, an of 'course poor I1N'Irl NCl,
the ISHMAEL of the Commons, was laughed at. IhENT'INCK did four
things. He "complained," maintained," conlondcd," and pro-
phesied." As a new bidding for popularity, lie appeared in the frieze
coat of justice for Ireland; but it won't do, BINTINCK. Sure now, thn
Emerald boys don't trust ye at all, at all. lit lhat ar we aboui ?
BENTINCK after GLADSTONE Surely wo havea maltreated the readers
of Fus.


Life's Summary.
DEAF to sense, to instinct blind,
That's thy ending--man of mind !
Falt'ring limbs and fading sight,
That's thy euding-man of might!
Tell feet long, and four feet broad,
Thal's thy ouding- acres' lord!
Sunken oyo and haggard nmien,
Tha/'s thy ending-beauty's queen !
Bending form and wrinkled face,
That's thy ending-queen of grace!
)ust to dust," and naught beside,
That's thy ending-queen of pride
lere to-day and gone to-morrow,"
That's thy lifetimco-child of sorrow !
Heavenly grace, naught else can span,
That's thy only hope-poor man "

Naval Intelligence.
CAPTAIN SHERARD OSBORN, C.B., has been appointed to command
the Royal Sovereign, built under the direction of CAPT'AIN CowiPER
COLES, on the new system which he has invented. Now then, iy
jolly JACKl TARS, why are CAPTAIN OsnoRN and CAPTIN ; a1,1.s
like a portion of the new ship ? Because they're a couple o' line
fellows. Cupola-couple o' "-you see, you sea-dogs

AN ICE IDEA.
SOMEBODY has started a joint-stock company for erecting a large
ice reservoir in London. Of course the prices of shares will be
arranged on a sliding scale by the gentlemen who appear as (s)katcrers
for the public cool-lectively.

'TO PROMOTERS OF JOTNT STOCK COrMPANITS (LIMITII)E).- lWan'ted
to find a company with any limit to its lie-ability.
How do we know that a dog is acquainted with the usages of poll o
society P-Because he generally bows on being introduced to sl rnu;:crs
IN what way is a chicken brought into the woyld P-Tlhro; ll'
hatch-way.
OF COURSE!-Why is a mean person called "near?"-Why,
because he's "close at hand," of course !
MILITARY.-- Although the discipline and prowess of our army are
not inferior to those of our brave forefathers," their achievements
in battle must necessarily be "under the old standard !"


47


_ ~___ sl_ _










; 48 [APRIL 16, 1864.


THE BARON KLOPFZETTERHEIM;
OR,
THE BEAUTIFUL BERTHA AND THE BIG BAD
BROTHERS OF BONN.
FYTTE THE FIFTH.
TTO told her, the reason he wore a
disguise,
Was to bask unrestrained in thelight
of her eyes.
F t Then he made a neat speech about
K ^, A God of Love's dart,
Snd offered his house, and his hands,
and his heart
; (And whenever he mentioned that
'. organ, he thumped at it);
7 T She didn't reject it-I may say, she
jumped at it;
And OTTO had such a peculiar way
with him,
She agreed to elope from the castle
that day with him,
SIf he could but discover (she'd many
a doubt of it)
Some way by which she might get
unobserved out of it.
But OTTO'S good luck set him in the right track again;
There were two empty casks, he remarked, to go back again,
And lie thought that Miss IBEiRTRA could nicely arrange
(With judicious curtailing of under apparel),
To cram herself comfortably in a barrel.
So she ran up-stairs once just to pack up a change;
This done to her own satisfaction, she bade an
Undoubtedly faithful (though saucy) handmaiden
Instanter prepare,
By smoothing her hair
And cleaning" herself (which a washing with soap meant-
It's not a nice phrase), for a sudden elopement.











Then ElrTint.i and GRIETC(HEN descended to OTTO
(Who was wondering where in the world they had got to);
And at first lie demurred, when he heard she preferred
l'o lake with her a third, and he thought it absurd
That she'd not go alone in her OTTO'S society,
And all for the purpose of playing propriety.
With squeezing and crushing,
And crowding and pushing,
And crying and flushing, and chuckling and blushing,
They entered the casks (each of which held a cashing).
SMrss B. began brushing
The tears that were gushing,
And OTTO, outside, enjoined silence by hush "-ing,
Reproving her tears with "pooh-pooh"-ing and "tush "-ing.
Then the serfs took away,
And placed safe on the dray,
The casks which had held the material for lushing.
Little more to be told,
Of the miserly old
BARON KLOI'FZETTERI[EIM, rolling in gold.
Of his beautiful BElRTHT
lie heard nothing further,
The clumsy old baronl could never unearth her;
Ile ne'er could mnke out where his daughter had got to,
For of course he knew nothing at all about OTTO.
From tile date of the wedding he didn't live long;
Everything, after she left him, went wrong.


He broke a blood-vessel, endeavouring to bless (or
To curse-I den't know which) Miss BERTHA'S successor
(Appointed a few hours after she quitted),
Because accidentally she had omitted
His slippers to warm-he was much to be pitied!
He broke a big blood-vessel up in his head,
And fell on the floor of his palace, as dead
As OTTO'S big brothers deep down in the cellar,
And his fortune descended to BERTHA la bella.

Few hours they tarried
Before they got married
In private-no bridesmaids, or breakfasts, or witnesses;
The clerk and the pew-opener were the witnesses;
The bride (though in stuff) looked a beauty bewilderin';
They lived many years and had hundreds of childerin.


END OF "THE BARON KLOPFZETTERHEIM."


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
SIR,-I promised to have an early spell at knurr and spell. That
game has lost all charm for me. I intended to have gone the
pugilistic rounds. The enchanted ring no longer interests me. For
me the delight of cricket is over, and blue rocks ahead show them-
selves in pigeon-shooting. As for boating, my aquatic days are oar.
My reasons for thus addressing you are many and serious. One
of the principal being the fact that I address this letter to you from
the classic but uncongenial region of Coldbath-fields.
Yes, indeed! A strong conviction, which paralyzes me in the
midst of my duties, has seized me, and deprived me for awhile of
the sweets of liberty and the run of the bar-parlour of the Magpie
and Stump. Adieu, my country! Farewell, a long farewell to
Freedom and some of the best rum shrub which imagination can
picture to herself, or Fancy smack her figurative lips at the thought
of. I leave to you, sir, seven fatherless widows and a devoted infant
-no, I mean (but grief has somewhat confused me) a widow-to
speak metaphorically-and a small family of large children-no, a
large family of small children, seven in number, and all under two
years, or rather, between two ears. But no matter They have all
been duly vaccinated in accordance with the Act of Parliament, and
their eye-teeth are in various stages of development.
I perish a martyr of science, and lay my death, socially speaking,
at your door (side entrance, ring the third bell from the top). But
this is trifling. Let me unbosom my woes.
Last week I visited the Epsom Downs-rather moist under foot,
but what is that to one who is devoured by a best gingham umbrella
and a love of manly sport ? What ? I repeat. Nothing, I reply.
Which it was.
With a view to enlarging my acquaintance with the athletic games
which make the name of England feared wherever it is known, and
even where it is not, I determined to improve the shining hours
between the showers in pursuing a study of the exciting pea and








APrIL 16, 1864.]


FU N.


thimble." With this view I came to an understanding with the pro-
prietor of one of the peripatetic tables on which this truly elevating
and excessively interesting sport is beheld to the best advantage. On
the way to an understanding we had a slight misunderstanding, of
which, however, only a slight cloud remains-in the immediate
neighbourhood of my left eye, and chiefly due to extravasated blood
and the scientific left of Mn. WILLIAM PRODDER, alias CONKY BILL,
the proprietor in question.
In the interests of science I concealed the polish of the Special
Sportingmau" beneath the fluffy hat, primrose waistcoat, small
clothes, and top bottoms of the British agriculturist, and incited the
bystanders to join in the sport by a fictitious encounter of wits and
exchange of money with the noble, if somewhat oblique, MR.
\VILLIAM PRODDER, late of Seven Dials, previously of Portland,
before that of Millbauk, and now of Brixton Mill. A miserable
myrmidon of Scotland-yard shamefully stole upon us, and, availing
himself of a legal fiction, took us before a magistrate, who, in utter
disregard of the essential beauty of a spring meeting, dealt with us
summarily, and awarded a term of residence, rent free, in this
salubrious but confined locality, to what he was pleased to term my
elegant accomplicements." When I come out again, if I don't-to
borrow the forcible words of my friend and fellow-sufferer-" knock
his ugly old head off," my name is not-but no I will not reveal
that. Its temporary obscuration would, in the eyes of a prejudiced
populace, entail disgrace on the bearer of that noble patronymic, and
possibly cripple a flourishing business in the coal and potato line,
combined with a mangle and fowls in the front airey, which combine
to render life attractive to my bereaved wife and my innocent chil-
dren. (I may, however, inform you in confidence that Mus. SMITH
will be glad of any little sum which may be due to me for my super-
human efforts in your behalf and that of British sport.)
I am well aware, sir, that I promised you an account in verse of
the City and Suburban. Here are the melancholy outpourings of
my incarcerated muse:-
THE CITY AND SUBURBAN.
Tell you, alas I do not can
How the City and Suburban it was ran;
For just about when the race began,
Yours very truly, a deeply-wronged man,
Undeservedly under the magisterial ban,
Was a-airin' of hisself in the prison-wan.
The winner of the race, as you are well aware, was what you may
call it-thingumbob, I should say, but 1 have no head for names ;
but there's no rhyme for it, so I haven't attempted to put it into
poetry. Here, then, you have my verses, and know my reverses.
Let not, however, this physical impossibility of going to see them be
supposed to interfere with my reports on sports. I am still, and
trust I shall long continue to be, sir,
Your obedient servant,
THE SPECIAL SPORTINGMAN.
P.S.-Please send me-but hush! we are watched.

The British Workman.
THE British workman has long been remarkable for his sound
sense and shrewdness. They have not often appeared to better
advantage than they did in a paragraph in the Times last week. That
invariably infallible and impartial organ reported on a deputation of
the working classes which waited on MR. COWPER at the Board of
Works, to ask permission to assemble in Hyde Park, and march thence
to the Green Park in procession, in order "to plant an oak on the
proposed site of the SHAKESPEARE monument in the latter park." Of
course by such an act the British workman was desirous of showing
his opinion of the probability of any monument ever being erected on
the proposed.site." We are quite of the same opinion as the B. WV.,
and think the oak would run little chance of being disturbed.

ADDRESSED TO SOME OF OUR AMERICAN COUSINS.
IT'S one thing, young ladies, to be "man and brother,"
But woman and sister we think's quite another!

THE "APRIaL FOOLS" OF 1864.-The National SHAKESPEARE
Committee.
THAT'S THE QUESTION.-We saw the following announcement a
few days ago in a baker's shop:-"The bread sold at this establishment
is warranted free from all adulterations." Yes, but is it free from
every adulteration ?
MORuE SIMPLETON HE !-Who? Why the individual who lately
took a house for a month!


BALLADS OF THE PARKS.
No. 1.
'Trs merry, 'tis merry, in Rotten-row,
\hoen stately steecls are prancing;
When telegrams of lovo's sweet shams,
Are fast from bright eyes glancing.
When vapory youths of poetic souls,
On the footwalk vaguely strolling,
Are seeking ease to their minds diseased,
From angels in chariots lolling.
FITZGOBBLE, a knight of needy fame,
By the lady's side rides gaily;
And plays a part that lie knows by heart,
For he does that small talk daily.
The lady's acres are fair and wide,
He would give his soul to win her;
And he swears by her gold, ere tih night is old,
He will hand her down to dinner.
Poor GRUMEL, a heart-sick (Government clerk,
Is grown tired of official duty;
His promotion is slow, lie socks Iuck in lthe Row,
The great umrt for manly beauty.
In gloves that were folded since imorn with care,
At five p.m. he is shining;
But .Io'irt.-r-d'ay liug far away,
1hi I.p.:tkets h:lin naught but lining.
" Yet what of that ? he sagely remarks,
"He's a danced gond-looking feller
Any girl with tin, whom lie deigns to win,
May think herself blest, he can tell her."
The queen of his air-built castle comes,
He gazes imploringly at her;
But her looks through the glass say, What an ass !"
And he mutters wildly, Drat her !"
The laies.and knights como stoutly armed,
iGWainst their enemy Timeo-all know him ;
To kill him they meet, for revenge is sweet,
And mercy we seldom owe him.
And merrily thus the days go round,
In the welcome sunny weather;
When youth and age, the lool and the sago,
Ride through the lRow together.


THE COMING SESSION.
A P'iOPrETIC CROON.
So the new Premier is to be DIzzY !
He's named for the leadership is lie ?
Well, bad luck to his plots;
We all know videe WATTS)
Who delights to see idle hands busy.
STAFFORD NORTICOTE'S to take the Exchequer-
Of our revenue he'll be a wrecker;
But lie won't be in long,
So he can't go much wrong;
Trust in heaven and keep up your pecker!
And CAIRNS will his leader inveigle
Into giving him eminence legal;
He's no very great shakes,
And his nature partakes
Rather more of the kite than the eagle.
But what will become of LORD Dl)i Y ?
From the elbow of DIz he won't fhr be ;
He's not a seceder,
Blit will not the leader
Of such muffs as the Tories now are be ?


ADDRESSED TO SPEKE AND (JRANT.-Is the appearance of a cele-
brated river, at its source, very juve-Nile ?
THAT'S TRuE.-W- e have "leap-year" already, and shall shortly
have spring here.


If


_ _I_ ~




< A 1 8

r i DT 7fi~Ri


F TJ N.


OBLIGING-VERY.
Irascible Party, (alighting) :-"YES, SIB, THE BUS IS IN A MOST DISGUSTING STATE, SIR !"
Satirical Cad:-" VELL, I WASN'T TO NO THE HEMPEROR WAS A-COMING. THE NEXT TIME YOUR 'IGHNESS IS GOING' TO TREAT
YOURSELF TO TWO PENNORTH, JUST DROP ME A LINE, AND I'LL 'AVE A NOO BUS PUT ON !"


APRIL FOOLERY.
IN this delightful month of this Tercentenary year, it seems that
all the humbugs and charlatans of the world are to have a special
fite. Of MR. DIXON and his friends, and of the manner in which
they have prostituted the name of SHAKESPEARE, to their own small
personal aims, the public has heard plenty. SIR WENTWORTH DILKE
and COLe, C.B., have not missed the opportunity of distinguishing
themselves. And now a young political adventurer, who, it is
rumoured-such is the dearth, we will not say of intellect, but of
intelligence, in the Tory party-will probably occupy a post in the
DISRAELI ministry, whenever England shall have sufficiently sinned
to deserve that judgment.
Mn. POPE HENNESSY, like the rest of the shams in this happy year,
is honoured with large type and leading until his head must be very
nearly turned by his notoriety. Here is the paragraph in which this
ridiculous mits is brought to light by the daily press:-
"MR. POPE IIENNESSY IN PARIS.
"I PAls, APRIL 5.-Ma; POPr HIIRNKSSY, M.P., who had an audience of the
EMxPEaoR NAPOLEON yesterday, has had another interview to-day."
Now we, as a nation, do not care twopence about MR. HENNESSY'S
movements. He may delight in the congenial employment of
blacking the Emperor's boots, if he please, and get the press to record
it. We know him and his trade, and quite understand that this
promising statesman is making a little bargain which will conduce to
his appearance in the House of Commons as M.P. for the Tuileries.
But the French people, and the continental nations generally, are
(as may be seen in the MAZZINT-STANSFELD affair) profoundly
ignorant of the simplest facts connected with our Parliament and our
politics, and will consider MR. HENNESSY a lion if he will only bray
loud enough.


We therefore protest solemnly against the conduct of the Tories.
They, as proprietors of MR. HENNESSY, should not permit one whom
the lack of talent in their party will compel them to make one of
their front-rank mercenaries, to disgrace the British Parliament fn
the eyes of Europe, by fetching and carrying for the author of the
coup d'etat. If MR. HENNESSY must visit the Emperor, let him ring
the area bell, as becomes him, and go in by the back stairs, and not
invest the call of a "traveller in principles" with the dignity of an
ambassadorial visit.

Wanted, a Williams!
WE are not in the habit of quoting imaginary advertisements for
the sake of making a laugh, but we feel it necessary to assert
specially in this instance that the one we extract is a bona fide one,
taken from the supplement sheet of the Times.
TTO FOR A SHAKESPEARE I-One hundred guineas in prizes.-Wanted, an
Advertisement written as a bard only can write. Three prizes will be given for
the best specimens, with privilege to publish. If not approved, the MS. will be
returned. First prize, 25 guineas; second prize, 15 guineas; third orize, 10
guineas; and a like sum in each case will be paid to the Memorial Fund. Full
particulars of subject, etc., can be had on application by post only to Advertiser,
etc., etc.
Poor SHAKESPEARE has been considerably dragged through the mud
lately, but even MR. DiioN only brought him down to a level with
himself, and did not go a step further to compare him with the poet
of the Minories. We shall look with great curiosity for the." adver-
tisement written as only a bard could write." We have telegraphed
to TENNYSON, but he is too busy on "Enoch the Fisherman." What
is to be done? TUPPER won't do for such an ambitious advertiser,
and even CLOSE is not quite up to his mark. Under these circum-
stances," as the dramatic critic of the British Army Review once
remarked, "we ask, where is MR. TOM TAYLOR ?"


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Offioe, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 16, 1864.


A r-t1r 1 .v









AE-F.1L 23, 1SAF IF TJ N 51


fun in VaXiamimt.

HOUSE OF LORDS.-MONDA.Y.
LODa CAMPBELL wished to know if we intended to send our fleet
Into the Baltic, and was it possible that any conference arranged or
contributed to by EARL RUSSELL could bring anything to Denmark
but trouble ? The definite conclusion of 1848 took the form of de-
liberations in 1863. What a riddled target is the FOREIGN SECRETARY !
By the way, he has an odd notion of comfort; every night, after a
parliamentary badgering, he has a large basin of warm gruel with a
scraping of nutmeg, and puts his feet in hot mustard and water. The
DUKE OF ARGYLE said-but what need of telling what the DUKE OF
ARGYLE said ? he is corn-cutter to EARL RUSSELL, and that's enough
of him. EARL GREY took care to inform noble lords that he had
advised LORD CAMPBELL. Be that as it may, the CAMPBELL-GREY
mixture was a very wearable article. LORD GREY vehemently con-
demned the German atrocities, and told the House that the Govern-
ment were regarded as very valiant against oppression if they could
be valiant without paying for it. EARL RUSSELL tried hard to make
himself out less of an incapable than he is generally considered ; but
'is there ever a speech of his without some little cunning device,
whereby he may have some little excuse for changing his little mind
if occasion presents itself ? He knew that the temper of the House
and country would not admit of his abusing Denmark; but he said
just enough to prove that he regards her as having given some
reasons for the invasion. We remember some of his blatant despatches
t., Denmark subsequentto the appearance of that snarl. The Federal
Diet sent him a little China mug with the inscription, For a good
boy-a present from Germany." He always drinks out of it at
dinner. The EARL OF DERBY believed that EARL RUSSELL tried
to do his best, but then that best was such a worst.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
SM. HORSMAN asked if Parliament were to be consulted before the
final settlement of the Danish question ? LORD PALMERSTON accu-
rately stated the function of the Crown acting under responsible
ministers; but no wonder the Commons desire to judge for them-
selves-they have so frequently been humbugged.
MR. AYRTON advised the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to
put his Government Annuities bantling out to nurse, and the advice
was taken. The baby is a fine child, and we heartily trust the Com-
mittee will not act as old women, who lower the constitution of
vigorous infants by GODFREY'S Cordial and DALBY'S Carminative,
when those infants required nothing better than to be let alone.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TUEsDAY.
The EARL OF CAfiNARVON asked, was not SIR GEORGE GREY a
Home Secretary with brotherly affinities to the EARL OF HODGE-
PODGE at the Foreign Office ? Did he know anything of his business,
and would TOWNLEY creep out through some india-rubber loop-
hole by-and-by. The LORD CHANCELLOR believed that SIR GEORGE
GREY worked hard to be a capable minister, and we agree with WEST-
BUY ; but intention is one thing, and capability another. Yet,
somehow, it is part of a programme that Srr GEORGE GREY should
have a portfolio, and of course the sequitua is what it is. The port-
folio is nothing more than a blotting-pad. The LORD CHANCELLOR'S
legal knowledge, undeniably great, did not enable him to say whether
TOWNLEY'S sentence meant what it said or no.
MR. HOESMAN gave notice that he should like to have the Danish
Conference goods sent to the Commons, on approval, before the
country was compelled to buy them.
A conversation took place on the danger of Daunt's Rock, in Cork
Harbour. So far as objections go at present, we see nothing but a
question of pocket, and if this is so, we wonder that MR. M. GIBSON
had the face to hint at them.
LORD R. CECIL, who has a remarkably keen scent for vermin,
hunted up a very nasty specimen. It seems that the Government,
in the person of MR. LOWE, have tampered with the Reports of the
School Inspectors. If the opinion ran with ME. LOWE's, well and
good-the Report flowed out is extenso; but if any Inspector
presumed to differ from the little Solon-with-the-touchy-temper, that
same Inspector might as well have kept his views to himself. MR.
LOWE has set up the Editorial paraphernalia of paste and scissors, but
these objectionable instruments were taken away from him ; for, after
Mn. W. E. FORSTER had soundly thrashed MR. LOWE, that rather con-
ceited gentleman found himself censured by 101 to 93. Of course
he will have to go.


HOUSE OF COMMONS.--WEDNESDAY.
ME. LOCKE KINO'S Bill for the Extension of the County Franchise
had discussion in a House of 481. Quite a treat for a Wednesday.
PAM said he should vote for it, just out of compliment to the principle
of extension; but if Mn. LOCKE KING expected anything more, why
:then he was the victim of misplaced confidence, that was all. Mn.
TREHERNE informed the House that he had been trying to get in for
thirty-two years, and had only just succeeded. When aware of the
fact, TREHERNE was so delighted that he cried Crikey I" for four-
and-twenty hours without intermission. MR. KING's motion got into
the Parliamentary dust-bin by a majority of 27.

HOUSE OF LORDS.-THunSDiY.
The EARL OF HARDWICKr took up the case of a MR. CHALMERS, who
declared himself badly treated by the Government. His target stood
every test, but for that reason it had not been accepted. The DUKa or
SOMERSET excused himself; the target was good, but would not do
for a ship. Why, then, did he have it tried at all ?
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
CoL. BARTTELOT moved that malt take precedence of sugar. There
was a great deal of talking which might havo been spared, for the
budget is too strong to be attacked in any foature. The principal ex-
citement of the debate came shortly after the clover speech of Mn.
COnDEN, who gave the Opposition many valuable hints as an ex-
perienced agitator." They would improve by-and-by. Then there
were furious cries for BAss !" BAss !" upon which the Speaker rose
and expressed much astonishment at the demand. He really could
not allow honourable members to consume their beer on the promises.



THE MUTE TRIBUTE.
THE pulses of the multitude
Impetuously beat;
The surging tide of England's love
Comes roaring up the street.
The tricolor of Italy
Streams out in sunny pride;
And, neathh it slowly the great man
Sailed through the living tide.
But still he only waved his hand,
But still he smiled the same;
'Till neathh the pile of Westminster,
The Son of Freedom came.
Then swelled the generous heart within,
That simple smile-it fled;
He knew those Halls of Liberty-
The hero bent his head.

7 diles.
DEER FUN,-Yu having the most sens and suting mi pockut bettur
than yure eyepriced contemporary, i am indooced to address yu con-
sarnin the Werkin Mens morial to the imortle SHlAKlSPEIARlE.
We wonts to put a oke in won of the parks on The tarscentingairy.
But MISTER COWPUR aint willing no ow.
Now deer FUN this be werry ard.
Wy his it ? His it cos MISTER COWPUB be jellus hof us cos e be
hon the Commity to Hexecute a Statty ?
An aint a tre a better un than a statty ? DIWINE WILLIAM sed
that thare wos tungs in tres an good in hevrithink (MISTER COWPUR
an the KING OF DAMMY wornt born) but e never sed that stattys
worked xcep in the Winter's Tail, an then it turned hout it wornt a
statty arter bawl.
An wots MISTER COWPUR mene bi sayin the Parkses aint places
four demonstrashuns ? Wornt tharo won about the Wicturiyer + with
the reel soljers and a revu with the heartifishall wons (the Wolun-
tears)? Honly them wos got hup by the Nobs an not bi Werkin Men.
An now begin yure Parding four takin up yure walubull tyme, an
opin yu ar quite well i begs too subscrib uiself, deer FuN, yure
dootyfool sirvent, A WBRnx MAN.

NAUTICAL.-A sea-doctor always keeps his medicine-ehest in his
surge-ry.


VOL. VI.








[APRIL 23, 1864.


FUN.


MR. MORELL AND THE PRIVY COUNCIL OFFICE.
ERY early one September,
Which he's likely to remember-
In September, sixty-one,
Came the Government Inspector,
:Fault-detector and corrector,
Whom unruly schoolboys shun,
To the thriving town of Cardiff;
And you will forgive the bard, if
He is brief of tongue and lip,
And contents himself with stating
That this gentleman, while waiting
For the morrow morning's ship,
That should take him o'er to Devon,
Found a boat at half-past seven,
Steaming up and all afloat.
"What if I" (thought this official,
Exercising tact judicial),
Travel in this evening's boat ?

t, "So some little ease shall earn, I,
From to-morrow's (Wednesday's)
journey,
To the city Plymouth hight;
I shall be less fagged and tired,
And arrive, as I'm required,
Up to time on Wednesday night."
So he crossed that Tuesday even,
To the smiling shores of Devon,
Where that night he laid him down;
And next day he duly finished
All the distance so diminished,
'Tween Cardiff and Plymouth town.
But, oh error prejudicial,
In his diary official,
Which described his daily run,
He for sake of shortness stated,
That the journey I've related
On the Wednesday had been done !
When he got the information,
Dreadful was the indignation
Of the virtuous ROBERT LOWE ;
Or, we should say, LINGEN'S ire
(He's the man who works the wire
Of the puppet christened so).
Now, it seems, the year succeeding
That, some trivial want of heeding
In MORELL'S inspecting plan,
Ended in reproval bringing'
From RArPr RoBERT WHEELER LINGEN,
Who is not a clever man.
So this singular official
(He's embalmed in our initial)
Wrote, The row of sixty-two
You'd have done well to remember,
When in sixty-one's September
This account was penned by you !
"We've resolved, with wisdom shining,
On your undelayed resigning"-
Which of course he wouldn't do
So he's sacked (to our regretting),
For in sixty-one forgetting
The rebuke of sixty-two !

THE PHILOSOPHY OF A CHOP.
AN IRREGULAR LYRIC SUGGESTED BY A REGULAR BMEAL.
RIGHT in the midst of the roaring Strand,
If you want a chop there's a house at hand;
There's nothing about it at all that's grand-
A narrow passage bestrewn with sand,
Leads past the bar where the natives "stand,"
According to ancient law of the land,
Whatever a wayfarer may demand,
In glasses of ale or wine.
The house for a hundred years has stood,
The porter's in pewter, the stands are of wood;


But the beer is right and the chops are good,
And whenever you feel in a hungry mood,
It's not a bad place to dine.
The plainest dinner is better than none,
So into that old-fashioned parlour run
(They have plenty of papers and take in FUN),
If you want a chop about half-past one,
And wish it served quickly and hot;
There is ne pretension about the place,
Its walls no mirrors nor pictures grace,
And its boxes are rather confined for space,
But a civil tongue and a smiling face
The waiter has always got.
On a certain day, through the open door,
Hastily crosses that threshold o'er,
One who might have been forty, say three or four
(He might have been younger but couldn't be more),
And he asks for a well-done chop.
The faithful JoHN, in an under-tone,
Transposes the order to chop, well done;"
And hurrying o'er the sanded floor,
He utters those words to the cook once more,
Who ever is standing that fire before,
Shovelling coke on the top.
Ten minutes a pint of pale ale to drink,
Ten minutes to sit in that box and think;
Each paper's engaged, and you see him shrink
From the bulky Bradshaw" splashed with ink,
And he takes up the knife instead;
And merely for pastime thinks he must
Sever the crumb from that crisp, new crust;
And he blunts his appetite, slight at first,
By sipping the ale, not to quench his thirst,
But to moisten that flake of bread.
As he poises a crumb on the point of his knife,
A bead of the ale on the pewter rim
Seems to mirror an image of early life,
And the days of the past come back to him.
Years ago-twenty or so-
He sat in that box, or the one below,
And ordered a chop as he did to-day.
Then his hair was black-now it's thin and grey,
And he fancies his spirits not quite so gay
As when first How much F" he dared there to say;
Then 'twas easy to eat and harder to pay.
Twenty years-each appears
No more than a minute-have passed away !
There's an elderly form on the opposite seat,
Sustaining its strength with something to eat;
He remembers the time when that form was clad
In the smartest of coats that could then be had.
Now, that rusty garb is all seamed behind,
And the pockets are clearly but scantily lined;
And the man-about-town about "'forty-four"
Has grown an old fogy of sixty and more.
Strange, strange-thoughts range !
In twenty years there's a wonderful change !
Twenty years of chops well done,
How the sands of life have run !
Furrowing brows and doubling chins,
Where are pulpits like our inns ?
Vacant seats and empty chairs,
Wrinkled hands and thin grey hairs.
Since our first chop here was brought us
What has stern experience taught us ?
Time that o'er the waiter passes,
Bridging e'en his nose with glasses,
Has his hour-glass turned o'er,
Freely on this sanded floor;
Yet its boxes, benches, shelves,
Are not altered like ourselves.
Why, the very flies don't grow-
They might be those we used to know;
Yet twenty years have gone and never
Till this moment did we ever
Think that-
"Eh ? oh "Chop well done, sir."
"Oh, ah! Paper?" Yes, sir; FUN, sir."
(Visitor munchies and meditates, reads learns, and, as we hope,
inwardly digests.)


-------
------------~-~--~~
--------------









APRIL 23, 1864.]


FU TI.


A SELL.
- Conductor (looking inside.full Omnlibus):--" WOULD ANY GENTLEMAN OBLIGE A LADY BY GETTING OUTSIDE "
Facetious Jones comfortablyy seated inside) :-" DOES IT RAIN ? "
Conductor:-" OH NO, SIR."
Jones:-" Is IT COLD ?"
Conductor:-" BEAUTIFUL AND WARM."
Jones:-" HAS THE LADY A GENTLEMAN WITH HER P"
Conductor :-" YES, SIR."
Jones:-" WELL, THEN, TELL HIM TO TAKE A CAB."


A VOLUNTEER TRIBUTE TO SHAKESPEARE.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-He was not for an age, but for all time. You have no doubt
already guessed to whom I allude.
Sir, I never doubted Mu. CARLYLE when he enthusiastically and
even angrily maintained the identity of the poet and the prophet,
though the latter generally falls to the publisher. I was content to
wonder.
Sir, I have sat at the feet of CARLYLE and the many-sided GOETHE,
'when they asserted that even the mightiest and most all-embracing
iof bards never knew one-half of the world-deep meaning of his
,mystical and inspired utterances. I did not demur. I only reflected
that the assertion if couched in commoner speech need not have been
confined to the case of bards.
! But my wonder and my reflection, my golden silence, have been
brought to naught, and I hereby confess and avow.
I also profess humble adherence to the theory that SHAKESPEARE
(whom I should, Sir, have mentioned before, were it not for the
allusion with which I began) revealed himself and himself only in the
speeches of his characters. Thus the "0 my prophetic soul!"
of HAMLET is only a personal recognition of his own powers by
the DIVINE WILLIAMS, and perhaps on account of a mighty prophecy
in the third scene of the second act of OTHELLO,
"In England where they are most potent in potting."
if that is not a reference to the Volunteers, what is it ? So plain a
:reference to Whim-bledon must be more than fancy. Sir, he was not
'for an age, but for all time; and I am,
Your obedient servant,
PETER POTTER.


THE BETHNAL BULLY.
A NIGGER (DRIVER's) MELODY, BY AN (ANTI)-CHRISTT
MINSTREL.
TIE Poor Law Board has shown a deal
Of care, at last, for poor folk's weal,
And proved its newly wakened zeal,
Hoop do dooden do!
By making MISTER CIISIHTY feel
Its indignation, sternly real,
Conveyed in its demand that he'll
Hoop de dooden do !
Long time the Bethnal bully braved
Disgrace, by kindred Guardians saved,
Who, scorning facts, insanely raved
Hoop do dooden do !
When proof was brought that he'd behaved
To dying poverty, that craved
Relief, in deeds and words depraved,
Hoop de dooden do I
Dismissed with richly earned disgrace,
Let each one of the poorer race
Who meets him, mutter in his face,
Hoop do dooden do!
FUN hopes the man who may replace
The cruel CHRISTY, will efface
By kindly acts of Christian grace,
Hoop do dooden do!


~--------








54 F U


AT THE PLAY.


I


Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen,
And here's to the widow of fifty;
Here's to the-bless her-long live our good Queen,
Row-de-dow-tum-ti-tum-thrifty.
Now, my dear children,
Chorus-Let the toast pass, etc.
Here's to the charmer, who, bless her dear eyes,
Katch-a-kum-paddy whack-one sir;
Here's to the girl that we-tiddy-fol-prize,
And here's to the rum-ti-tum-FuN, sir !
Nosow, my dear boys,
Chorus-Let the toast, etc.
Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow,
Here's to the one who has none, sir i
Here's to the- what's it ?-the diddle-dum--oh!
And now to the one who is one, sir!
Recollect my dear boys,
Chorus-Let the toast pass, etc.


N.


[APRIn 23,1864.


For let her be clumsy, or let her be slim,
Young or-right fol-de-rol-sound, boys;
Fill up a bumper and drink to the brim,
And let's go and toast them all round, boys!
K-chorus (ch-soft), if you please,
Now then, my dear children-all together,
Let the toast pass, etc.


-1,:7i' 1 EVER, till
S11 "' i. the Dramatic
.. College bene-
I fit took place
Sat Drury-
"' lane, had The
School for
Scandal been
.e Aperformed by
daylight. On
the noses of
MOSEs, and
S' little PRE-
milU fell
strokes ofun-
shine, as they
sipped their
wine at the
invitation of
the convivial
C CHAR LEs;
"for the first
-5"time in the
Sandals of the
stage, LADY TEAbZtltepped behind the screenin company with a solar
ray, and some curious reflections; and in the bright eyes of MRIA -,
in which at least nobody could detect the remarkable cast that had
been spoken of; there were heams which could not be taken out even.
from the remote gallery. Through the crevices in the substantial
shutters about the roof the sunlight forced its way, asserting a better
right to be present at that hour than the gas which it struggled to
displace. Some of the old comedies may have had their day, but thei
date of the event as connected with the Schoolfor Scandal, Airws Over
fixed before. MR. SIms REElVEs, accordirv t.o on g-esrdoabsled
custom, wits unable to keep his promise of er-i.,rmance, and Me.
PunHILs, the acting manager on this occasion, bad the deii ste duty
to discharge of informing the audience of thie eippointmemont. To
exonerate the council, he read the letter that had been sen tnp 'toM
Dover that morning, whilst his auditors furnished a running
commentary of explanations, producing the following odd jumble:-
"Ladies and gentlemen"-" all right, we know"--"l regret to say"
-"il lEVE, of course !"-"LM SIs"-n" that's him, sir"n-" having
a little hoarse"-" post the pony !"-" and a severe bil"-" BARLOW"
-"hbilious at"-"hall round it"-" tack"- go on another "-"is
unable on this occasion"-" where's GARIBALDI "-" to sing, but on
any other"-" oh, bother"--cmhe will be most"-" indisposed"-
happy"-" happy to hear it"-" The doctor will certify"-" assert,
oh, sing "-" This is to certify." Here the audience seemed to be so
much struck with the humourous notion of the idea of anybody being
ill and having it well attested, that the reading was accompanied by
that kind of demonstration which is exhibited in the new farce of The
April Fool, when Mn. BELMORE puts on the muffin cap of the thin
charity boy, and the thin charity boy puts on the white hat of MR.
BELMORE, which is an ingenious and moral combination of wit and
humour. "Under these circumstances, Mn. PAUL BEDFORD"-"I
believe you my boy,"-" has kindly"-" bravo PAUL!"-" consented
to sing the identical song." And this was the song, which suddenly
called upon to sing, Mx. PAUL BEDFORD sang:-


I


Everybody applauded their popular favourite, and nobody regretted
the absence of the great tenor. The fund of an excellent institution
reaped some hundreds of pounds profit from the good-will evinced by
the performers and the public, and when MR. PAUL BEDFORD is next
called upon to suddenly remember the words of a song which ME.
SIMS REEVES is announced to sing, the attraction ought to enable the
Dramatic College to become one of the richest, as it is already one of
the most deserving, charities in the kingdom.
Tax ODD MAN.

GRAMMAR-CY.
TWELVEMONTH ago we instituted a oftsade
against palpably quack "-education" advertise-
zments, and with such a good result that many
of them disappeared entirely from the news-
papers in which they were accustomed to appear.
/ Bt the evil is not altogetheo 'riked on the
head, and advertisements like the following
!specimen still crop up ifrim time to time:-
IANAGEABLE BOYS, -rnd-r 1I. rhe sona, .ef pernll
Smen only, who have fl. -r,:i in iul-heair,. or i .1.
individual inattention, to ir-l:. thL..r ilu.: r-I i j. '..
schools, can obtain the most tangible INSTRUCTION in
a select School, near town. Address, ALPSA, post-office,
Gower-streetnorth.
There if a clearness and perspicnity about this
beautiful little composition which is eminently
calcullated to impress anxious parents with a
conviction of ALPHA'S exceeding fitness to
impart instruction to manageable boys uhder
eighteen. It is true that we don't quite see why
ALPHA insists upon his pupils being the sons
of gentlemen only, who have suffered in health,
unless, indeed, ALPHA is a philanthropist, and
is anxious to relieve sick parents of a most
harassing charge. But even then the question
remains, why does he insist on the parents having
suffered from individual inattention P This
puzzles even up, as also does the succeeding
S sentence, "to finish their education in large
Schoolss" but no doubt the advertiser knows
what he means, and if he is happy, so likewise
are we. As to tangible instruction we know very well what that
means, and we think it an exceedingly expressive way of putting it.


Song's Taste, Song's Everything.
THE Edinburgh SHAKESPEARIAN Association are to celebrate the
bard's tercenten b ary by a varied musical entertainment, to conclude
with Th e Burlesque of MABETH, adapted for the occasion." We
suppose that means that they will murder SHAKESPEARE instead of
BANQuo. A dramatic performance would surely be the best fitted
for the occasion, but some people have such music-hall tastes that
they think song's everything, and rather than miss it would consent
to hear MACBBTH sing Skidamalink."

The Puff Servile.
A rASmHONABL contemporary gushes with a bit of snobbishness
we must quote:-
"A small meerschaum pipe has not been disdained of late by averyhigh persoinage
A comfort this to smokers."
We don't see why .the fact of any one else enjoying a pipe is a comfort
to smokers, who would enjoy theirs quite well without the informa-
tion. Meerschaum pipes can be indulged in without any necessity for
a concert under noble patronage. Only let us "blow our baccy" and
we don't care a blow",for anybody else's doing so.

GARIBALDI'S ARRIVAL IN ENGLAND.-GARIBALDI'S .a rival in
England? Nonsense! GARIBALDI' a friend in England.
THE GREAT "ITALIAN IUNITY."-GAIBALDI.


,i;



b3






F U IN'.--APR 23, 1864.


Sketch of the last (thank Heaven!) of that disgusting exhibition oj Cockney brutality, miscalled Sport,
THE EPPING HUNT,
And if this is one of the uses to which the Royal Forest of Epping was annually put, MR. FUN is Conservative
enough (for once) to be only too delighted that IT IS TO BE ENCLOSED.


:iiII


--~~---~-


11i







FUN.-APRIL 23, 1864.


APRIL 23RD, 1864.








APRIL 23, 1864.]


FU N.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHEB AT THE PUBS.
THE Tercentenary arrives-and after all the cry how little wool I
The only worthy monuments of the occasion are the columns of FUN.
They have not even got so far as laying the first stone of the notorious
"embracing monument," which will of course beso "hug-ly." Well,
let England be consoled, and feel what a debt of gratitude she owes
to FUN, for coming to her assistance with a Tercentenary number,
and thus rescuing her from the ridicule and pity of Europe.
THE Comedy of Errors," performed so successfully in London,
with MEssts. DIXON and JEAFFRESON as the Dromios, has been
repeated at Stratford. FECHTER and PHELPS have both left the'
committee in the lurch, and bequeathed them the makings of a very
pretty complication hereafter. Poor MR. FLow R-not the he-
Mas. HARRIS of Thurloe-square, but another blossom, a rose by any
other name"-must be in a pretty quandary and feel infinitely grateful
to the person who set the stone rolling. As HORACE says (SHAKE-
SPEARE knew his HonACE, you know)-
Denarrat ut ingens,
Bellu-a cognatos eliserit."
He must have a pretty tale to unfold as to how his brother committee-
men have been walked upon.
A TREMENDOUS reception was given to GARIBALDI. The working
men swarmed to meet him, and do him honour. I am not sure that
the crowd was not denser than on the occasion of the arrival of the
PRINCESS ALEXANDRA. The procession was a very long one, it took
nearly an hour in filing past the window where I was. It was funny
in some parts. Like the Sheffield inundation, it swept away with it
all sorts of incongruities. A mail-cart got borne off in the stream in
one place, and a lancer orderly, from the Horse Guards, was en-
gulfed in another. When I saw it, the rear was brought up by the
police van returning from the Middlesex Sessions. It was a very odd
finale for a demonstration in honour of the champion of freedom.
But it was not the only instance of queer contradictions, for I saw a
guardsman, in a high state of jollity, marching at the tail of a Band
of Hope. The women mustered very strong-all honour to them for
it-it must have been no joke to march the distance they did. Of
course they will count this-and rightly too-a great event in their
lives, to be told to their children and their children's children. Have
we any English BERANGER who can sing of this with a refrain of-
Grandmamma, tell us of him;
Tell us of him, grandmamma."
I WONDER if GLADSTONE will have a tercentenary celebration in
his honour. I think he will deserve one. What a splendid speech
that was on the Budget, and what a capital Budget it is Can any
one tell me why the Times loses no opportunity of sneering at, and
detracting from his merits Surely the leading journal is not so hard
pressed by its cheap rivals that it cannot find the heart to forgive
GLADSTONE his paper-duty repeal. I am half inclined to think it
must be, for good taste would have omitted and only spite could
allow such a bit of low snobbishness as was to be found in a letter in
the Times a week or so back. Some butler or flunkey, appealing to
the editor for insertion, said, "If you throw me into the waste-paper
basket, you won't drive me to a penny paper." To quote the Essay
without End" (one of the best in the English language, by the way),
"Oh this twopenny world."
THE artists have been among the foremost to do honour to SHAKE-
SPEARE. They gave an entertainment at the Eyre Arms, which ought
to have realized something handsome. I hope it will be repeated, for
PROFESSOR LESLIE on geology and the songs of MARKS and CRaICK-
SHANK will well bear repetition, and who would ever tire of the
pathetic ballad of SIRE VILIKINS et sa chire DINAH P"
I SEE that the Prussians are very liberal in their allowances to
their troops in Denmark. They allow each private half-a-pound of
tobacco or ten cigars a day, I understand. No wonder the Prussian
reputation for courage is under a cloud. There's no smoke without
fire; but a good many fellows would run the risk under the latter
for such a handsome "screw." 'I can fancy a British guardsman
hearing of this-" Ten cigars a day! I wish weed such luck over
here!"
SpURGEON, I regret to hear, is unwell. I hope his recovery will
be speedy, for there is a dearth of comic talent, and his services as
second 'grave-digger at the present celebration would have been in-
valuable. I have not heard the exact nature of his illness, but I
dare say his chief complaint will prove to be that his popularity is on
the wane, which is hard such a wag-on.

THE SERVANT GIRLS' FAVOURITE.-The please-man, of course I


A CRY FROM THE KITCHEN.*
PLEASE, MISTER nUN, sir, trusting you are quite well, nno will put
this In your paper, wich i no is a grate liberty for a poor s fvuntgal
to ask, and i umbly Begg your pardun, butt i opo you will not be
angry, and so i take up my pen, for i am shore you will hone there
ort to be wun lor for the poor and for the rich, wish there isn't, least-
wise for us survunts.
Survunts an't angels no more nor othur people, even the missusses
seem to believe they ort to be, and some think more at eight pouns a
year, which is cheap, and tea and shooggur found, and if you only know
wot tea and shooggur they do find you wood not liketo drink it even ;
all the strength .is gone before the teapott comes 4owu stares, for they
only putt in 8 .poonfulls, and then all the family has there tea furst,
and as for the shooggur it is not wurth wile working about, for it is
nothing but moist at fippunce a poun ; but wot I want to say is this:
missusses and everywun is a crying out now apainst survunts, and
writing to the noospapurs, but i think they are torlts on both cidos,
and do wot we can we can never give satisfacshun.
i dent mine wurkin, For we are 8 in a fanly, master, missis and 5
children and myself, which makes 9, but i ant no body so i Dont count,
and all the washing done at ome, except masters shurts which are putt
out. I ope you will Excuse me mentionin this, but i want to be oor-
rek. well i Do it all and i dent see a single sole not to spoke to for
days, excep the butcher and the baker, and such like who come with
The things, but If i am sent out of a errun, and dent fly like a steam
injun and come back as fast as a Hexpres trane, then 1 don't hoor the
last of it For a week. i dursnt stopp to ave a ohatt; its more than
my place is wurth, and a survunt gal sumntimes Likes to tork as well
as her missis, and it aint pleasant to spoke to nobody, for when you
Have dun your wurk, leastwise i Mean a poor gal, not you of corse,
which Is not olfen before i go To bed, and you May be shore i am tired
enuff, but suiHtimne i Do. it is very dull to sit in the Kitching, with
nothing butt the seller door to look at in the airy, and you must
not even go up the stepps to say good nite to as much as a stray plees-
man, and only the eat to be with you, butt he is Most orlways in the
parlur, so he is nott much of a Rompannyun. Owever the family up
stares that has theirselfs and visitors now and then, dent rekolleck it
is verymelancoly to be all Alone and that is not rite i think, And By
your leof i Kall it Krewil. And it is not plossunt neither to no as
how You are lookt on as a theof, leastwise i mean agano a survunt is,
not you of corse, for which i umbly begg your pardun. a rospokrablo
gal has feelings, who has been well brought up of onest parents dent like
to see evorythink, the tea, and shooggur and pikkils, all looked up before
her very I's which her missis Might do if she like, and no one to say
a wurd against It, only slo mite Do it when the urvunt were out of the
room, and not sen one of the children neither to watch Her won she drors
the dinner Beer, as if she couldn't be trustit for A single minnit, be-
cause a survunt of all wurk has her feelings as well as her missis, and
the public seems to suppose she he ave got nun at all, which is very ard
to bare and aggeravating.
and then if you by so much as a Bit of ribbin, leastwise i moon A
survunt agen, for wioh i beg your pardun Umbly a Sokkun time,
there is such a ullabaloo and all sorts of remarks, as if a suiirvunt do
not like to look a little nice the same as Her bettors, but she is told
It cant be permitted and she is imitating Of her missis, and what do
the mississis and Young ladies do ? why if the french Hemperess
wares a sooarf jakkit they all order sooarf jakkits, and they wood all
paint there faces black if she did, which it is a morsy she doesn't, jest as
they all took to krinoleens, which i hone is not convenient to skrub in,
won she did, and when the princess Of wales, bless her, the i am only
a poor gal, wore a long kirl over her soldger, did not they all go and
do the same, as we all no, and as the aredressors can tell you, for the
ole of them are forlks, leastwise a good many, and then they under
we ant content and they cant keep a survunt long.
please mister FUN, if you Wood only say that poor gals ant blox of
stone and there missises didn't treat them like cats and dogs, But
thought they Were youman begins like themselves, only of corse in a
lower sphere, you wood Not heer so much about our giving ourselves
airs, and so on, and mississes wood Be bettor served In consekkwonoo.
which i no i have ast you A great favour tho i Trust you Will put it In
your papur, for it have took me a long time to rite, and it will Do
good, and so i Rote it.
And so i Am your obedyent Survunt to Kommand,
MARTIu MOPPrr .

As an advocate of allowing equal privileges to all, TuN has complied with the
request made by the writer of the above letter, and inserted it in his columns as hbe
received it. lie has merely put in a comma or full stop hero and there to render
MIss MOPPraR' moaning clearer to his readers.


=
~-~--









60 F T


"NEVER SAY DIE!"
Competitive Examinations.-Scene, Chelsea Hospital.
Old Pensioner:-" MoRNIN', SIn GOING' TO HAVE ANOTHER TRY,
SImR YOU AND ME OUGHT TO KNOW SOMETHING' OF THE INSIDE
OF THIS 'ERE PLACE, SIR!"


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITH.-LOCKE KING'S bill has been once more disposed of.
BROWN.-Yes, and you might add sold again," only nobody seems
inclined to make the investment just at present.
SMITH.- That's to say our legislators don't. They seem to think
that an extension of the franchise is another name for revolution, and
vote by ballot universal suffrage.
BIOWN.-As to the ballot I can easily understand their objection
to it.
SMITH.-It's more than I can.
BEOWN.-You astonish me. Why they are afraid of finding them-
selves too often in the wrong box.
SMITH.-What a long bill for powder and shot the Prussians will
have when the war is over.
BROWN.- The question will then be, who's to pay it ?
SMITH.-The Danes, of course.
BEowN.-Of course-why so ?
SMITH.-Because if they are shelled out of Diippel by the Prussians,
it is but right that the expenses should be shelled out of Danish
pockets. Turn and turn about is fair play, all the world over.
BROWN.-To change the subject, banking amalgamation seems the
order of the day. Here's the Agra United Service Bank merged into
MASTERMAN'S.
SMITH.-And very natural.
BBowN.-Why ?
SMITH.-Because being a company they lacked a regular head, and
what better head could they obtain than one who is literally a
MASTER-MAN.


THE BEST FEE FOR THE DC
fe-male physician in England.


ICTOR.-ELIZABETH GARRETT the fist


T IN- [APRIL 23, 1864.


A TERCENTENARY DREAM.


I'V had one of those dreams, of which fact never seems
Fit to reckon, whenever one wakes, peer-one wakes, peer-
But I ought to premise that I saw it with eyes
That had closed on the Eveof ST.SHAKESPEARE-S r.SHAKESPEARr.
I was standing, past doubts, at the Albion, three outs"
To that prince of all constables DOGBERRY-DOGBERRY,
And old BARDOLPH, who'd got on his nose a red spot-
A grog-blossom-but why not a grog-berry-grog-berry ?
When HAMLET, POLONIUS with words acrimonious
Addressing, turned round to OPHELIA-OPnELIA,
Asked what she was reading, and said with good breeding,
"Why not try 'ToM JONES,' or 'AMELIA '-' AMELIA' ?
Then the nurse said to PARIS (my friend Mns. HARRIS
Vows CAPULET'S nurse one S. GAMP was-S. GAJP was),
"Have you wedded our JULIET ?" Said he, "No such fool yet;
That RoMEO, I know, a sad scamp was-sad scamp was."
But while ISABELLA was trying to tell a
Sad tale about JAQUES to ANTOLYCUS-TOLYCUS,
He whispered to PERDITA, If you preferred it, a
Waltz could be played, and we'd frolic us-frolic us !"
When a luckless embroglio involved poor MALTOLIO,
Who had asked in a very kind tone a-kind tone a
Queer question, mad fellow, of jealous OTHELLO-
Viz., How is the fair DESDEMONA-DEMONA ?"
Next LAUNCELOT GOBBO-expecting a bob o'
Fair JESSICA'S spark-young LORENZO-LORENZO
Said crossly to SHYLOCK, "Your key would fit my lock.
I'm foolish to trust Christian men so-an men so !"
MACBETH (who wore breeches, for which the three witches
Had granted indulgences plenary-plenary)
Came forward to thank-oh, how gratefully !-BANQuO,
Who'd had his hair brushed by machinery-chinery.
The misanthrope TIMON had writ nonsense rhyme on
Both BRUTUS and CASSIUS and CaSAR--and CESSAR,
And read it, the flatterer, to QUEEN CLEOPATRA,
Because he was anxious to please her-to please her.
And then while KING LEAR was expressing a fear
That champagne was upsetting old CYMBELINE-CYMBELINE,
With his arm gaily placed round DAME QUICKLY'S stout waist,
WOLSEY entered a deux-temps so nimble in-nimble in !
Whereupon bluff KING HAL whispered, "What a fine gal!"
To BENEDICT, who with young SLENDER-young SLENDER-
Was endeavouring to lay on ANN PAGE'S bouquet
A letter most ardent and tender-and tender.
Then old TOBY BELCH began talking in Welch
To that notable CAPTAIN FLUELLEN--FLUELLEN,
Who had just beat at tennis the grand Doge of Venice;
And KING JOHN played at croquet with HELEN-with HELEN.
And VINCENTIO, the Duke of Vienna, a fluke
Made, while playing at pool with PETRUCHIO-TRUCHIO,
Who asked CORIOLANUS if flukes were not heinous ?-
For two ponies then did to the Duke he owe-Duke he owe!
But while OWEN GLENDOWER was inquiring the hour,
With a shout that was utterly hideous-ly hideous,
Of CLARENCE and STEPHANS--who were both deaf,- and, oh,
Tipsy (and so was AUFIDIUs-AUFIDIUs)-
While ARIEL and BOTTOM were making, odd rot 'em,
Round PROTEUS and PISTOL so blessed a-blessed a
Row, that I woke while retailing a joke
About FALSTAFF and DROMIO to CRESSIDA--CESSIDA!

'Twere good you do so much for Charity."
IT has been proposed that, as the subscriptions to the London
SHAKESPEARE Committee are so sadly below expectation, and are in-
adequate to the erection of a monument, they should be given to the
Sheffield sufferers. We propose that a fund be established entitled
"SHAKESPEARIAN CHARITY "-a fund which shall be entrusted for
distribution to the practical philanthropists of the age. Such a
monument would take in its arms and fold to its bosom the suffering
images of the Creator, instead of simply embracing a statue." Let
this suggestion be considered.


I









APRIL 23, 1864.] F N. 61


W AS T:E:D.
Scientific Party:--"I NOTICED THAT THE GLASS FELL CON-
SIDERABLY DURING THE SNOW-STOIM LAST NIGHT."
Busman:-"NO; DID IT NOW ? THEN, DEPEND UPON IT, THAT'S
WHAT MAKES THE ROADS SO BLESSED SLIPPY THIS MORNIN' !"
(Aside, with disgust)-"OLE DUFFER 'E DON'T SEE IT."

A GREAT 'SIZE.
ON the day of the month of --, in the year 1586, a young
man of respectable appearance, whose name appeared on the charge-
sheet as WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, was brought up before the sitting
magistrate, JUSTICE SHALLOW, at the Stratford-on-Avon Police-
station, charged with having been found on the grounds of SIR
THOMAS LUCY in pursuit of an i-deer.
DOGBEERY, 45, a member of the County Constabulary, was sworn
and said:-From inflammation which I had deceived I was reduced
to concede myself behind a tree in SIR THOMAs LUCY'S park, for the
purpose of comprehending all vagrom men. About midnight or
thereabouts I deserved this person reproaching me, and thereupon
set him down as the man I had been conditioned to take into custo-
mary. I acquired his business, whereupon he complied that he was
on the look-out for high deers, and I then integrated to him that any
conservation he might make would be taken down now he was taken
up, and might be used against him. He told me I was an ass, which
I desire to be recorded.
The constable here went into a rambling statement, but received a
check from the magistrate, which was crossed on the bank of the
Avon, and returned with "no effects."
The prisoner cross-examined this witness with much acuteness, and
succeeded in shaking his testimony until his teethrattled in his head.
PRISONER.-You may stand down.
DOGBERRY, P.C.-I don't mind standing dog's nose.
THE MAGISTRATE (interfering).-If this conduct is repeated I
shall order the court to be cleared.
The prisoner here intimated that he had no objection. DOGBERRY
observed that it was impossible that he should, for he had searched
his pockets himself.
THE MAGISTRATE (to DOGBERRY).-YOu have sworn that this
man stated that he was in pursuit of deer.
DOGBERRY, P.C.-Oh, deer, yes.
MAGISTRATE.-YOU mean he hunts stags ?
DOBGEREY, P.C.-Certainly.
MAGISTRATE.--Bucks ?
DOGBERRY, P.C.-He-does. (Laughter in court.)
MAGISTRATE.-You may retire.
DOGEERRY, P.C.-I shan't leave the force until I have duly dis-
qualified for a puncheon.
On the worthy magistrate's inquiring if there was any further evi-
dence to be gone into, he was informed that there was, but it was so
much further that it would take an hour to reach, and the proprietor
had threatened a prosecution for trespass if it was entered upon.


After a brief consultation with his watch, JUSTICE SHALLOW pro-
ceeded to pronounce sentence. Although the evidence was most
unsatisfactory, he considered the case had not been proved, and,
therefore, as it was necessary to make an example, he should not
inflict the full penalty. It was in his power to commit the prisoner
not for an age, but for all time, yet in consideration of his tender
years, which, as be was informed, had been boxed by ANx
HATHAWAY, he should be prepared to hear anything he had to say.
The prisoner, after thanking the magistrate for his leniency, ex-
pressed a desire to be committed for contempt of court, because he
felt it, and that was the only thing he was guilty of.
He was then called upon to enter into his own recognisances, which
he did, but as he was observed going out at the back, he was recalled.
JUSTIcE SHALLOW then ordered him to be bound over to appear
before posterity. The worthy magistrate's instructions were im-
mediately carried out in a fainting state, amid a great sensation in
court. Ultimately, with the assistance of the Dramatic Authors'
Society, order was restored, but not admitted after seven o'clock, and
the bench adjourned, the prisoner being enlarged on several bales,
which were kindly lent by a Manchester cotton-spinner.


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
STRATFORD-ON-AVON STEEPLE-CHASES.
I FEEL ashamed of turf-reporters, when I consider how utterly
erroneous were the pretended accounts of this meeting to be seen in
the sporting papers.
You were told, sir, that the event of the day was the Hunters'
Plate," and that it was won by WILLESLY. Pooh, pooh I nothing of
the sort, I assure you. Hunters' plate !--IlERNE the Hunter's
hoax is more like it. And as for WILLESLY, why it is scandalous to
misreport so. It was WILLIE SHAKESPEARE, of course!
You take no notice of the other fellows and listen to me, and I'll
tell you all about it.
The betting was four (in buckram) to one on FALSTAFF, who was
the favourite, though there was a good deal of betting on the Field-
of Agincourt-and some hedging, too, by the way. The course was a
capital one, well selected, with plenty of jumps. It was on a common
popularly known in the neighbourhood as the Moor of Venice. A
regular mob started, and got off pretty well together. The run lasted
for an unprecedented number of nights, and there were very few
casualties. CLEOPATRA got a purl, and the curtain came down once
or twice, but no injuries resulted to the jockey, owing to the prompti-
tude of a French gentleman, who rushed forward to lever de rideat."
For some time it appeared that the victory was certain for a clever
little colt, Anti-foal-us, out of the F.S.S. stable; but lie got into
difficulties, and was passed by HAMLET, who, however, did not hold
the lead long, being out of condition, and fat and scant of breath.
He refused to go over the water, and so returned to the post.
FALSTAFF was out of condition too, and I suspect a little touched in
the bellows, for he "ran and roared;" but if he lost, it was not for
want of the "backing of his friends," for they put the pot on until
all the fat was in the fire, because they thought he was safe as the
" Merry Wives" to win, sir. But he refused to master a BROOK, and
never got round the waste.
KATE, the Shrew, took a fence very smartly with PETRUCiO ; but
they both fell out in the next field, where also Winter's Taled off, and
SHYLOCK gets pounded.
There still remained some chance for the field, but not for any I
have mentioned before. To quote the words of a bystander, "Chance
for CLEOPATRA-there a'nt-any." In the end, SHAKESPEARE came in
triumphant, winning by a head. Simple (the property of SIR HoUG
EvANs), a bad second. The rest nowhere.
You may rely on this account of the meeting. Besides the running
I have mentioned, there was a match between Romeo and Juliet (who
was heavily handi-capulet-ed), but it terminated in a dead heat.
I shall feel obliged by my bond. I pray you let me look upon the
bond, because when I agreed to undertake the most onerous duties
of sporting correspondent, I didn't mean they were to be honorary
too. Wherefore, my bond !* Your discontented servant,
THE SPECIAL SPORTING MAN.

S"Are you not desirous of obtaining it? In other words, don't you wish you
may get it ? We are perfectly well aware of your whereabouts. We discovered,
in spite of tlhe prevarications of your last letter, that you have been summarily
convicted of thimble-rigging or akittle-sharping, and as you are still working out
the penalty due to the outraged majesty of the law, we prefer trusting the reports
of the Stratford-on-Avon meeting, wlich were written by eye-witnesses, to your
ingenious fiction. Your genius is evidently of thi highly-imaginative order, and is
calculated to rise; but, unfortunately, the 'ladder of fame' is not a revolving
cylinder of step., in treading which vou do not mnke any upward progress, and
never would if you went on trying till the tread-mill.eniuni."-Extract from an
unpublished Letter front the Elitor of Fum to the 3I.,8.


~I~









FUN.


UNMANLY OUTRAGE.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
SIr,-Allow me to direct your attention to a grievous outraged per-
petrated the other evening by two young baboons, on the feelings of
your correspondent, and on a bust of glorious WILL.
You are acquainted with AVANS'S ? Good. Then of course you
know the Stratford bust of SHAKESPEARE, which faces the stage, and
is affixed to the wall of the caf portion of the room intended for
conversational partied." Well, sir, the baboons, chock full of kidneys
and stout, and maddened by extreme repletion, proceeded to insult
the sacred bust in the following manner:--
FInsT BABOON (looking at bust).-Sociable-looking old party, ain't
he ? Looks as if he'd like a quiet glass of grog as well as any man.
SECOND BABooN.-Let's stand him a drain.
[2nd B. places a tumbler of Irish whisky on the cushion in front
of the poet.]
FIRST BABooN.-Now then, give him a spoon-in his right hand,
you know; it looks as if it were made on purpose.
[2nd 1Baboon places spoon accordingly.
SECOND BABooN.-Now give him a book of the words.
[1st B. places book of the words in front of the poet.
FrasT BABooN.--He should smoke. Give him a cigarette. Stick
it in his mouth and light it; it will burn down to the great man's lips.
[2nd B. sticks cigarette in the poet's mnouth, and lights it. It
burns freely.]
SECOND BABooN.-Now a tile on his head; not mine-that old cove's
who is laughing at Mn. HAInR SYDNEY. It'll serve him right.
[Places old cove's hat on poets head.


And will you believe it, sir, that instead of the whole room rising
and insisting on the ejection of the offenders, the laughter was so
excessive and so general, that MR. HARBY SYDNEY'S convulsively
funny song about A, B, C," was nowhere.
At a time, sir, like the present, when everybody is torturing his
ingenuity to discover a new way of paying homage to the glorious
prototype of this glorious bust, an outrage such as the one I have
alluded to, which has the effect of investing the immortal poet with all
tha attributes of the chairman of n froe and nmon i r I .. i


[APIL 23, 1863


sir, simply criminal. HIe'd taught FALSTAFF a lessen, and that's pretty plain;
Your obedient servant, So we're glad that he wasn't, and grateful to fate,
A PITTITE. For had FALSTAFF been less he had ne'er been so great,
__' Since to take in his girth had he bread never tasted,
The breadth of his humour 'd be foolishly waisted.
GARIBALDI cares not for medals, and wears none. In spite of this, ___ ___ __
however, he has, since his arrival amongst us, been greatly struck
and pleased with the "order" of the people, and the "clasp" of MARINE ETIQUETTE.-A ship may "answer" her helm, but not
friendship, which have been presented and offered to him at every turn. her captain.


THE LATEST FROM ELYSIUM.
SCENE.--The Elysian Fields. W. SHAKESPEARE, ESQ., late of Strat.
ford-on-Avon, apcd B. JONsON, ESQ., late of London, conversing.
To them enter ItAtiiBDf (better known as DICK) BURBAGE, late of
the Globe Theate, Blackfriars.
DICK B.-Good morrow, brother spirits. Marry! but your talk
seemeth to me right serious.
BEN J.-Ay,,so it is, MASTER BURBAGE. We were speaking of this
Tercentenary Festival, witih which the present race of mortals are
celebrating WILL's birth.
DIcx B.-Marry! to me this festival appeareth to be intended
more to graft living vAnity than dead worth.
WILL S.-I prithee,- friends, be not too hard upon them. Are
they not about to play my chiefpieces, and that too in my native town ?
BEN J.-I'fac kins! of- the acting say but little, WILL. Hitherto,
methinks, thesr adtofs' mhinds are m6re set on quarrelling than acting.
DICK B'.-Well, well, we actors were ever discontented. Thou
hadst also ~hy share of brawls; BEN, an' I remember right.
BEN S.-Ay, but op6a and' honest,, and fairly decided at .he sin.:,rl'
point. Not by sneaking appeals to the public in newspapers.
WILL S.-In our time there were no newspapers to write to.
Perhaps thai accounteth for thy riot troubling them with thy
complaints, BEN.
Bat J.-Not so, friend WIL, I would have scorned so paltry a
redress of my wrongs. In fai field: would: I meet my adversary, and,
if needs be, lay him; b1ut to stab his reputation with my pen were
beneath me.
DIcK B.-I prithee, BEN, spare us this Bobadil vein. I have heard
that thou and WILL had wit contests at times.
BEN J.-'Tis true, MASTER DICK; but the present mortals differ
from us sorely. They also have their contests; but, by my troth,
' twere hard indeed to find any wit therein. But to return to this
Tercentenary Festival. Sweet WILL, I pity thee!
WILL S.-And why, MASTER BEN ?
BEN J.-Why? Canst ask, when they contemplate erecting
a statue unto thee ?
WILL S.-Art sure of what thou states ? 'Twill, indeed, be hard
to bear!
BEN J.-I would not pain thee needlessly; but I prithee remember
of what sort these London statues are.
WILL S. ('.7..l- -:., .--Fearful! Speak not of them! And late
arrivals from the upper world say that they in no wise improve.
DICK B.-Nay, rather they grow worse : at least, 'tis so reported.
WILL S.-And then what means it that these moderns are forced
to beg, and beg in vain, a foreigner to play my HAMLET ? 'Tis sad
that England cannot produce one fitting actor for the part.
DICK B.-Actors, I'faith, there be; but, marry, so eaten up with
jealousy and pride, that each large Thespian fish desireth to take all
unto himself, and leave naught for the smaller fry. Would that DAVY
GARIICK were still in life!
BEN J.-Ay, DAvY celebrated WILL 100 years ago in gorgeous
style; but he made the spectacle fill his house at Drury Lane-ay,
and his pocket, too, right well afterwards. At least, so said many
who from earth's bright realms to these dark shades descended at the
time.
WILL S.-Nay, nay, BEN, be not too censorious. And see, here
comes thy almost namesake, the Doctor; he who criticised my plays,
and that, in some cases, right sharply too. Say not a word against
DAvY before him, or else thou'lt rue it.
BEN J.-The pompous dictionary maker I'd scorn to rest my
fame upon a mere collection of words without connection or interest.
I'd--
[Enter DOCTOR JOHNSON, attended by BOSWELL, at sight of whom
the poets and actors flee incontinently; and the Doctor, seeing them
disperse, turns round to BOSWELL, and after remarking, Sir, this
is not Fleet Street," retires also.]

Falstaff versus Banting.
HAD BANTING been living in BOLINGBEOKE'S reign.









APRIL 30, 1864.]


FUN.


FLATTERING AND ARTFUL.
Polished:-" WELL, MY BOY, AND WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE FOR
POLISHING ME OFF ?"
Polisher :-" WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, THE REGULAR CHARGE IS ONLY
A PENNY; BUT SOMETIMES A houst-an'-Jhout gentleman GIVES ME A
SHILLING."


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
BY OUR OWN COMMISSIONER.
SIR,-Feeling a cravin' to visit Newmarket, I went, for I must beg
to inform you that the temporary cloud that obscured the son of my
mother has been removed, owing to my having mentioned to the
visiting magistrate as I was your commissioner, and the public
a-gasping for sporting intelligence. "Are you really ?" sez he. "Yes,
I are," sez I. "Indeed!" sez he. "Yes," sez I, "and the grass a-
growing over the turf in consequence of my absence." Then," sez
he, give my respectful compliments," sez he, "to your editor, as I
sits on the same bench with in the House of Lords," sez he, "and
you may go," sez he," and here's five shillings for yourself." Well,
sir, I needn't say as I served it like a trout immediate. How was
that? Why, 1 hooked it.
Well, I got to Newmarket, and remarkable fine weather it were,
though the east winds was trying to them that had neuralgia and
rheumatics, as nine oils was a niney.cure, and brandy implied inter-
nally the only balm in Gilead, for which a score will probably be
forwarded to the office in the course of a few days, but you was kind
enough to promise to pay all doctor's bills.
The meeting passed off very pleasant, and I may say profitable,
owing to my having won some bets and lost others-drawing the
money for the former and not paying the latter, which I hold to be
the only way to make a prophet on the turf-that's my guide to it,
and having adhered to the principle some time, I can answer for its
answering too.
In consequence of the above-mentioned turn of" good luck, I was
able to visit Lewes last week, and enjoyed it considerable. There was
some capital racing, and I may say, two such days I have not spent
for a period of some time, for a very affable gent, he says to me, "As


you're the sporting man in FUN, and if so be, come and stay at my
place." And a handsome mansion it was, with two very fine daughters
-that's to say, not the mansion, but him ; but on account of mv
falling in love with the eldest, and la ing myself and my fortunes at
her feet on the rug in the back drawing-room after dinner (at
which the port was splendid, and three bottles is my allowance), it
led to our parting, and my host doing a mean action towards mo
behind my back, which ketched me in the small of the spine, and sent
me out particular fast. I should have punched his head for the credit
of the paper, only for two reasons-first, as I couldn't reach it, and
next, as 1 had partaken of his assalt, as the Arabs say, and shared his
horsepitality in the shape of a mount. But just you wait till 1 meet
him again, and he isn't quite so tall !
I have not forgot cricket while attpeding to the races. We had a
very nice little game down at my place last Saturday, for a quart, of
shandy-gaff. It was single wicket, Inme against Alit. ANTIN, wI which
was forced to have a boy to stand for hiin in the running, on account
of obesity ; and to save trouble, the boy ran round him instead of
between the stumps and the crease, and 1 think the boy ladl a pretty
long run of it, for it's twice round hiin once round St. Paul's, and
wider in proportion. The game ended periniskus before I was halfl
through my innings, owing to my hitting the ball forward, which
caught him in the stomach hard, and haven't, bce found since.
I have likewise been on the river, but have not been taking part in
any matches as yet, for 1 want practice considerable, baing apt when
hurried to lose my head and drop my scull, which is ill-convenient. I
may add, as my wife don't approve of my going on the water, whilc
leads to domestic discomforts as did ought to raise my salary. She
says she don't hold with my rowing and rullocking about, and expects
to see me brought home on a shutter for all the world like the
washing.
To return to the turf: there is a deal of betting on the Derby, and
Scottish Chief, Coast Guard, and Cambuscan are all high up-but 1
shan't say which I've my high up-on. If you want my tip, you had
better send me yours. Short reckonings makes long friends, and I
know you'd like to be six foot for the sake of looking well- in your
unicorn next Easter-Monday, wherefore please send the screw and I'll
send the horse. Yours obedient,
THE SPECIAL SPORTING MAN.
Horsleydown, April 21st.


A SINGULAR DIRECTOR;
OR, NONSENSE RHYME ON A NONSENSICAL WRITER.
(Vide Times" of April 181t.)
THERE once was a singular Director,
Who wrote himself down as objector,
That (AtiAti) mAI)
Should have passage free,"
From a Co. of which lie was Director.
This poor "un-unanimous" TORRE DI.
AZ, with impertinence horrid he
Thrusts upon us
His personal fuss,
As if any one minded how worried lie.
His conduct was weak, pusillanimous,
And churlish-on that we're unanimous;
And plainly we see as
The COUNT TORnE DIAZ
Won't gain by thus showing his animus.


Try our Canine Whine!
THE result of this favourite tonic, having been freely used by a
weak-minded visitor who has been to the "Cremiorne dog show," will be
seen in the following question. lIe has asked us, "If MR. E. T.
SMITH refused the little dogs their supper, why would lie block up the
thoroughfare ? Because that would be the way to stop puppy's
treat." We know what our correspondent means, but shan't tell.

QUITE So !-An admirer of NAPOLEON was heard to say, a few
days ago, that that monarch was a real friend to GARIBALDI and his
cause, and that he had taken the part of Italy for some years past.
Quite so He has taken the part-the part, par excellence, most vital
and dear to the Italians-and he's kept it too I


VOL. VI.


63


_~____i__


~_ ~_~_~ __~_~_ ___ 1~


~ ~~


63 --








[APRIL 30, 1864.


F U IN.


of the Morning Star to write the leading articles for that paragon of
A LETTER FROM SPIRIT-LAND ON EARTHLY penny papers. I
MATTERS. Hoping you will give this lengthy epistle your kind attention,
A TE I remain, Sir, yours faithfully,
SPELT OUT BY A MEDIUM SPECIALLY RETAINED ON THE THE SHADE OF LINDLEY MURRAY.
ESTABLISHMENT.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN." THE T DRONE THAT NAP BUILT.
SiR,-Often have I been summoned from Limbo by writers indig-THE throne that NAP built;
nant that the Queen's English should be so shamefully maltreated in THEE was a throne that NAP built;
the nineteenth century by penny-a-liners et hocgenus omne; but never And terrible plots,
have I responded to the invocation, or deigned to communicate with Grenades, daggers, and shots,
mortals till the present time. Sought to upset the throne that NAP built.
Despite the numerous and heartrending appeals of the Shade of And the royal, the right, the legitimate line,
LINDLEY MURRAY !" I have been hitherto content to rest in my That far away in exile pine,
supernatural and purgatorial abode; but, Mr. Editor, the proverbial Watch the conspirators that combine,
"last straw has (metaphorically) broken my back, and I rush into With terrible plots,
print, choosing your journal as the most fitting channel through Grenades, daggers, and shots,
which my protest may be conveyed to the British public. To upset the throne that NAP built.
I do not, Sir, complain of the Times, though its leader-writers often An an emblem of death was a blood-red "FLowRE,"
forget my simple rules, as embodied in my large octavo volume ; neither R presenting the secret, wild Liberty's power,
on the (figuratively) devoted head of the Telegraph would I hurl the That had nothing to hope from the grace divine
thunderbolts of my wrath ; the blatant "Beautiful Star" has not called Of the royal, the right, the legitimate line,
forth these indignant remonstrances; and I willingly allow the bad That far away in exile pine,
grammar of the Court Journal to pass unheeded; but, Sir, I refer to Watching conspirators that combine,
a small, insignificant print, with a painfully small circulation, desig- With terrible plots,
mated the National Postage Stamp Express. Grenades, daggers, and shots,
The writer of the obnoxious article, not content with setting at To pset the throne that NAP built.
defiance all my simple rules contained in the before quoted octavo e Parliament, sorelpressed,
volume, has had the audacity to prefix his name to his lucubrations. Anda member of Parliament, sorely pressed
His initials, Sir, I quote; in order that a discerning public may decide Stood up in his place and calmly confessed
on the relative merits of W. K's grammar and composition, and that To have held and nourished within his breast
of LINDLEY MU RAY. Nor do I complain of the injury done to me Th emblem of death, the blood-red FLower,
alone. For unwarranted assertions, bad grammar, and worse composi- Representing the secret, wild Liberty's power,
tion, commend me to the article in question. That had nothing to hope from the grace divine"
tion, commend me to the article in question. Of the royal, the right, the legitimate line,
Pray read this, Mr. Editor: That far away in exile pine,
"RowLAND III,, the inventor of postage stamps, had great trials and difficulties That fax away in exile pine,
to encounter. Having come out as a single individual to express his thoughts on Watching conspirators that combine,
the subject, it is no wonder when wre hear of his friends turning against him, and With terrible plots,
calling him insane-little dreaming of the benefit he would one day be to the Grenades, daggers, and shots,
country." To upset the throne that NAP built.
ROWLAND HILL came out as a "single" individual, did he? r oton o en
Gracious powers are we poor shades to suppose that since our de- But a great opposition of men, so pure
parturo from earth, individuals--like tulips, violets, and gillyflowers And moral, and loyal, all said they were sure
-come out double ? And will the author of this precious farrago of That the" FLOWERn was a type, either thinker or doer,
nonsense inform me which of SIR ROWLAND'S friends called him Of a bloody assassin, designed to allure
"ninsane-little dreaming of the benefit lie would one day be to the The member who should have been loyal and truer,
country ?" Who was to benefit his country-ROWLAND HILL or And not of murders and plots a break or.
the friend who called him insane? Again we read: So they hunted him down, for they could not endure
A member among them who calmly confessed
le gave out his thoughts in great profusion; which were as follows." To have held and nourished within his breast
What were? Evidently not the thoughts; or they would follow. That emblem of death, the blood-red" FLOWER,"
Certainly not the profusion, for we have a verb agreeing with a plural Representing the secret, wild Liberty's power,
nominative. That had nothing to hope from the grace divine"
But, Sir, for really forcible writing, commend me to the following: Of the royal, the right, the legitimate line,
Still he continued to stir up the people, in spite of foes, nothing daunted." That far away in exile pine,
I hope the people like the operation, and I am pleased the foes were Watching conspirators that combine
not daunted by the stirring process. The following savours strongly Grenades, daggers, and shots,
of MIl. AsSOLanNT :- Grenades, daggers, and shots,
of MnE. AsSOLANT :- To upset the throne that NAP built.
Glorious year for England, 1840. Stamps of many values were issued, and the T u t t t
postage commenced.' But joking, and jolly, and jaunty PAM,
Indeed! I always laboured under an impression that each stamp Said all the affair was a monstrous" cram;"
had its own proper value ; and that postage was a recognized thing For the member was innocent, quite, as a lamb;
for years before SIR ROWLAND HILL was born. And further, said he, He shall stop where I am.
I am, however, under one great obligation to W. K. But for him, It's a party manoeuvre, and I don't care a pin
Sir, I should have languished in my present rather uncomfortable For the great opposition of men, so pure
abode, without having the slightest idea of what a railway train was; And moral, and loyal, who said they were sure
or how great benefits the steam-engine had conferred on the public. That the FLOWER" was a type, either thinker or doer,
W. K. gives me the following graphic description :- Of a bloody assassin, designed to allure
"After a short while it was settled that the letters should be sent by the railway. The member who should have been loyal and truer,
We may well picture to ourselves the first mail train with its giddy carriages and And not of murders and plots a brewer,
butzing engine, with the crowds of spectators. It stops. Why does it stop ? is the That they hunted down, for they could not endure
cry of curious ones. The responsive answer is-it's the mail by train. Andsurely member a ng them who calm conssed
it was. In that bag were letters for loved ones; for friends in general; and men A member among them who calmly confessed
of busine.s. But still it waits. Presently another bag is brought and put into the To have held and nourished within his breast
train, and it now moves on amidst the shouts of lookers on." The emblem of death, the blood-red FLOWER,"
And now, Mr. Editor, I appeal to you and the public. Have I not Representing in secret, wild Liberty's power,
cause to complain of a writer who talks of giddy carriess" buz- That had nothing to hope from the grace divine"
zing engines," and responsive answers," within the compass of half- Of the royal, the right, the legitimate line,
a-dozen lines ? That far away in exile pine,
Were I personally acquainted with the author (a consummation Watching conspirators that combine,
devoutly to be guarded against), I should recommend him to read and With terrible plots,
study the before quoted octavo volume ; and if he then feels inclined to Grenades, daggers, and shots,
follow literature as a profession, let him arrange with the proprietors To upset the throne that NAP built.








APRIL 30, 1864.]


FUN.


fan in ar-lianm nt.

HOUSE OF LORDS.-MoNDAY.
THE DUKE OF SOMERSET, who has for a long period been walking
about with models of the ARMSTRONG gun stuck in his hat, just after
the fashion of dolls at racecourses, was compelled to admit that the
weapon was a wretched failure. The DUKE OF RED TAPE was dread-
fully woe-begone in countenance. EARL GRANVILLE, in a very
manly fashion, took upon himself all responsibility for the acts of MR.
LOWE; whatever MR. LOWE had done was just what LORD GRAN-
VILLEjudged right. He thought it right to cut and carve a little, so
did EARL DERBY, who probably looks to the necessity of being pro-
vided with a privilege of this elastic kind at some future period.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
A noticeable feature was. the admission of MR. BREMBIDGE, as
member for Barnstaple, in place of MR. LLOYD, unseated for whole-
sale bribery practised in his behalf. What gross humbugs outsiders
are. We have heard splendid mouthings of purity at Birmingham,
and from that section of politician which MR. LLOYD'S partisans have
disgraced. But they are all alike. BOB ACRES was nothing to them
when the courage of honesty is heeded.
Mn. LowE rose to defend himself from the imputations cast on
him by the antagonistic vote. His speech was that of a truly
honest man, but it is clear that he might have warded off his
difficulty by being less bumptious when the question was discussed.
It is a mistake for politicians to ride the high horse. No one
would have ventured to condemn him if he had in the
first place spoken as now. LORD PALMERSTON proved that the
resignation was real, not a mere side-word of dismissal, larded
over with "very sorry, but"-- etc., etc. DIZZY tried to soap
up MR. LOWE as a chance supporter, by telling him that he had
been badly treated by his masters. Bad shot of BENJAMIN'S ; LOWE
is not the fish to nibble such a bait. Then came DIZzy's attack
upon the extra Under-Secretary, that ought not to be in the Commons.
DizzY is rabid for something to snap at, and here lie thought he had
just hunted the Government into a pig-sty; but lo and behold!
PA3M was never more ver. "Of course," said PAaI, "we are quite
wrong; but how is it that the heaven-sent opposition haven't found it
out before ? Then did Dizzy look all of a heap--miiserable to the
last degree.
MAI. ADDERLY managed to protect us fiom the worst kind of the
"tickets-of-leave" by a majority of 28 in favour of keeping a strict
eye over these gentlemen.
HOUSE OF LORDS.--TusDAY.
The EARL oF MALMESBURY wished to know if the Prussian
ruffians had replied to questions relating to the bombardment of
Sonderborg. EARL EUSSELL said he could get nothing from the
Berlin sneaks, who hate diplomatic soap-and-water just as the German
mind is said to object to ablution.
The EARL OF CLARENDON denied that there was one word of
truth in the largely circulated report as to the cause of the departure
of GARIBALDI. Fortunate for the Ministry that they had clean
hands; if otherwise, their political life would not have been worth
forty-eight hours.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
Mn. AYRTON would on Friday fortnight ascertain whether the King
of Greece was to have 4,000 of public money given to him without
asking the leave of Parliament. Certainly JOHN BULL is fond of pay-
ing for other people, and would in truth be very unhappy if he had
not some score of foreign potentates to amuse himself with. COL.
FRENCH tried his hand as an expounder of law, and received the usual
quietus. MR. D..GRIFFITII asked whether there was any truth in
the report touching GARIBALDI'S reason for leaving, and LORD
PALMERSTON positively denied the foundation for the rumour. Fear
for the General's health was the only cause. It is satisfactory to
hear that no stain rests upon England with reference to this great and
good man. We have risen, one and all, to do him honour, and though
we heartily object to the scandal-mongers, still they have done
this indirect good, that we showed the world how England was ready
to fire the broadside of honest indignation at a presumed breach of
hospitality and honour. Nice little warning for statesmen !
MR. B. OSBORNE, who bears about the same relation of dislike to
PAM that BENTINCK does to DIZZY, only that OSBORNE is very clever
and BENTINCK very stupid, strove to put all the Danish troubles upon
PAM's shoulders, who says that BERNAL is the cause of all the mess.


The Member for Liskeard had read up largely in blith books, and a
super of the library every now and then brought in burrowsful of
I.ANSARD ; lit beyond clever abuse of PAM and Deomnark, we could
see nothing in OsnoINL's speech. Mu. PlACOC'KI then did a little
bit of opposition on his own account. LoaD MONTAOu spoke of
EARL IRUSSELL as a kind person, who went about tickling the noses
cf two opponents with sprigs of the olive. ll. LAYARD tried to
prove too much-Government were right in all they did, &e., &c.
There is something hid which ties our hands in this Danish difficulty.
We shall have it sooner or later. Dizzy abused the Government,
yet would support them. Fact is, DizzY had counted heads, and
couldn't make up a total against the Ministry, so was magnanimous.
PAM was truly obliged to DizzY, but entreated him not to trouble
himself to declare that he (DizzY) did not conlide in PAl PAM was
so tickled at the position in which Dizzy had placed himself that lie
was going to light a cigar, quite forgetting where lie was. The
SERGEANT-AT-ARMs took away PAM's cigar-case. BIUNAl, OsnoNIE
came to grief; DIzzy would have nothing to do with the thing, and
moved the previous question. Was OSBnonE setting a mnic bit of
toasted cheese for the Opposition ? If so, the leading mouse smelt
it as more than suspicious.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.-WIreESDAY.
In the debate on the Grand Juries (Ireland) Bill, MIu. MAlOUimii
said that Irish members were the incorruptible, that they never nindo
a bargain, that they did not care who they supported, Possibly; but
somehow, they have ever been a temptation' to the Ministries. It does
not matter what party. There has existed no Cabinet who havo
not thrown sops to the Irish CERBERnus.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TacrusDAY.
JosErn GARIBALDI visited the House, and a rush of Commons,
strangers, and crinoline surged into the galleries. The adopted son
of England talked with several, and no greater proof of the universal
love in which he is held can be given than to see him conversing with
such diverse elements as the BIsrorP O OXFORD, LORD IIARROWiY,
and EARL RUSSELL. GARIBALDI takes with him the affection of the
land.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
Mn. KINNAIRD asked if GARIBALDI had been driven from Eng-
land by a member of the Government, and Mit. (GLrADSTONIt, who
was in reality pointed at, rose with majestic scorn to fling off the
foul aspersion. Before he had got far, it was amusing to see SCULLY
earnestly striving to stop the Chancellor front speaking lti heart
of England to GARIBALDI; but SCULLy was made to sit down, and
GLADSTONE proceeded to trundle down the gossip of some contem-
poraries of ours, who might have found better occupation than the
manufacture of mare's nests; but SCULLY hadn't done. lIe patheti-
cally implored the House not to fancy that Ireland admired the
hero. He need not have troubled himself; no one suspected that
SCULLY cared for the real stuff of which sound men are made. Doubt-
less there is a section of his countrymen who go with ScULLY, but
then, as all real Irishmen are real men, and all real men love JosErir
GARIBALDI, why of course we do not trouble ourselves about out-
siders.


SIr.iEsPrranA.-What is the difference between the river that
runs through Stratford and the great poet who was born there ? The
one is Avon and the other is a-von-der.
VIVE LA BAGATELLE."-We say so, because there is a very
pleasant entertainment now being given under that title, and ve'vo
a high opinion of it.
AN ITALIAN QUESTION.-What's the difference between the
red, white, and green" and NAPOLEON ?-One's the flag, the other
the banner of Italy.
THE NATIONAL AIm" or FRANCE.-" Blow hot, blow cold."
PARLIAMENTARY-VERY !-"Honourable members are supposed
to represent their constituents in the Commons I louse; but there are
many constituencies-Mary-le-bone for one-that would be under a
deep obligation to their members for nis-representing them in that
"august assembly."
A VALUABLE PnULICATIOvT.-"What's What," by the author of
Who's Who."
A LONG SnoT.-A member of the Peace Society, who has been
watching the trial of the ARMSTRONG and WHTTwonRTr guns at Shoe-
buryness, declares he has come to the conclusion that both these
fUrmidable implements ought to be considered Shoeburyness-cessary
evils.


65


65








6 FUN.



F Ni
NO,-


[APRIL 30, 1864.


--

--- ^- 7.-- .-,-- -. -. .;.. '<-.


ENCOURAGEMENT.
Ni'nrod to little friend (to wshom he has just been giving a lead over) :-" LET GO HER THEbD, MAN, AND LET HER COME-YOU CAN'T
HURT-YOUR BODY ISN'T HEAVY ENOUGH TO BREAK YOUR NECK "


SONG OF THE STRATFORD EXCURSIONIST.
On! what a week of pencilling and pen-ery
The artists and reporters of the Fete have had:
That only in three hundred years can come a tercentenary
Must be a cheering circumstance, of which they are glad.
Stratford all alive each (lay with frolic and festivity,
Crowds about the house wherein the bard cast his nativity,
Scrambling, rambling everywhere from noon till the next morn again,
It's lucky that no SHIAKESPEARE stands a chance of being born
again.
Oh what a week, etc.
Saturday, a dinner, where the bard they King of Warwick call,
And Emperor of the Universe, through pen and ink;
Everybody coming out with speeches oratorical,
And everything consuming in the way of meat and drink.
Fireworks in the dusk go off, to captivate the million;
Not a bed to rest your head can you get willy-nilly on;
Each hotel is full, as well in all the places round about,
And many in the streets all night are on the doorsteps found about.
Oh! what a week, etc.
Monday, with music the isle seems full of harmony,
All the famous vocalists enchant the town ;
Fiddlesticks all going, with quick movements that alarm an eye
Of any nervous gentleman who near sits down.
Tuesday, off to Charlecote, for the fine old park, and-pray mark it-
Twelfth Night in the evening by the actors of the Haymarket.
But even then you haven't done-the curtain rises presently,
For SoTHEBN in a farce has got to wind the night up pleasantly.
Oh! what a week, etc.


Wednesday, a reading of the kind they call" SHAKESPERIAN,"
For those more straight-laced people who don't go to plays;
Quite an entertainment that all others think a dreary 'un,
And only done because it is a sort of thing that pays..
Stopping this all through, of course, you feel you're worn out truly, yet
That evening you have got to sit through RoMEo and JULIET.
Then whilst wishing out of sight all JULIETS and ROMEos,
The Comedg of' Errors keeps you later with its DROmIOs.
Oh! what a week, etc.
Thursday, more singing, and you feel you've had enough of it,
When As You Like It forces you to go again
Here, as in life, with the smooth you take the rough of it,
So sit for some three hours more and don't complain.
Friday, a fancy ball, with dresses miscellaneous,
People quoting SHAKESPEARE as their wit extemporaneous.
Saturday, you're off to town, not much inclined to roam again,
And glad enough at last to findyou are safe and sound at home again.
Oh! what a week, etc.

"Jockey of Norfolk."
THE PRINCE OF WALES has been elected a member of the
Jockey Club. He undertakes serious responsibilities in this new
character, for the state of the Turf is far from promising, and the
Club which should raise it is in a bad way itself-witness its miserable
persecution of "Argus." If the Prince will avail himself of his
position to raise the morality of the Turf he will earn the gratitude
of all true lovers of sport, and be considered in every sense a bene-
factor of his Race.
GARIBALDI, the Good, ought to be a favourite of NAPOLEON's, in-
asmuch as people generally like their opposites !









\UNIEEiRNil/


JUSTICE WAITS.


.5-


FU-NJT.-ArnIL 30, 1864.









.APRIL 30, 1864.]


FU N.


.THE EDUCATION OFFICE AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Ir the advocates of communism will take the trouble to examine
the condition of the unfortunate Education Office, as exposed by the
recent debates 'on the LOwE-LINGEN-MORELL question, they will
find a glaring instance of the evil working of their pet system. The
Education Office is governed, nominally, by MR. LOWE, under EARL
GRANVILLE; in point of fact, by some fifty or sixty underpaid clerks,
each of whom appears to exercise an individual and irresponsible
control, not only over the administration of the Parliamentary vote,
but also over the conduct and morals of the sixty educated gentlemen,
whom Mn. LINGEN satirically calls "Inspectors." Each clerk in the
Education Office writes any letters he thinks fit to anybody whom he
hoses to address on official business. No clerk is too junior or too
inexperienced to be entrusted with the wigging of inspectors or the
distribution of the public grant under an original Revised Code of
his own designing. In short,-the Education Office is, in this respect
at least, a clerk's Paradise. If anybody doubts the accuracy of our
statements, let him refer to the debate that arose upon MR. LowE's
personal explanation in the House of Commons on Monday week
LoRn ROBERT CECIL, in his reply to MR. LowE's explanation,
expresses himself in the following words:
"It was a fact that the inspectors received back their reports from the Com-
mittee of Council, in many cases with thb pn~sir. indlicntd which were though t
objectionable, and it is the fact that *, .- .. ', .. remove the passage
so indicated their reports were suppressed. The right hon. gentleman has since
informed ustt that thatas done by a clerk in the office without his orders."
Of course. To the unenlightened lay mind it would seem that
when the official head of a department is charged with having sup-
pressed a report, and he denies having done so because the pen was
not actually held by him, but by a clerk in his office, that head of a
department might duly be charged either with extreme ignorance
of the manner in which the work is carried on that he is paid two
thousand a year to superintend, or with having evaded the matter by
a paltry and unworthy quibble.
But we have not come to this conclusion simply on the faith of
the single fact we have just alluded to. If our readers will take the
trouble to refer to an article that appeared in this publication in the
number for the week ending the 15th March, 1862, and called The
Education Office Again," they will find set out, at some length, MR.
LowE's method of explaining away a certain accusation brought
by LonD ROBERT CECIL, to the effect that he (MR. LowE) had sent a
certain notice to certain schools containing the information that all
payments made after the 1st November, 1851, would be governed by
the principles of the Revised Code, although MR. LOWE had already
informed the House in unmistakable terms that that Code could not
come into operation before July, 1862.
"Poor Ma. LowE's reply to this charge is remarkable, for it teaches us the
system (or rather the want of it) upon which official correspondence of the gravest
importance is conducted in Government offices. He says: We correspond with
some 6,000 or 7,000 schools, and it is impossible for me or any other person to be
responsible for every letter."
MR. LowE further said that-
"The statement that such letters have been sent to various schools, 'is not in
aceordanee with our practice,': because we have in innumerable cases, since the
notice was given on the 23rd of September, consented to the apprenticeship of fresh
pupil-teachers under the old code."
And MR. FUN, in commenting upon this extraordinary state of
* things, inquired-
"Now, who is the audacious Education-office subordinate who has dared, on his
Own responsibility, to dictate to managers of schools, terms which Ma. LOWE
publicly declares to be at variance with the principles and practice of the office ? If
we were in Parliament (which we are never likely to be), we would insist upon
having the name of that subordinate, and we would move to have his official stool
drawn from under him, and his official pen plucked from behind his ear, and we
would have him drummed out of the service, as who had drawn down public
obloquy upon the unoffending head of his department by fraudulently making him
responsible for a gross violation of the commonest principles of truth and justice.
One thing is very clear; although Ma. LowK may be the head of his own depart-
ment, he is certainly not captain of his own ship."
And Mn. FUN begs in 1864 doubly to endorse the sentiments he
expressed so nervously in 1862.

Explanatory.
THE reason why the French papers are so angry at the reception
given to GENERAL GARTBALDI is easy to be understood. Universal
suffrage is all very well, but universal applause given to anything
smaller than an emperor must, of course, be detestable.

WHY DOES THE EMPEROR NAPOLEON'S POSITION TOWARDS THE
RPENCH PRESS PROVE HIM TO BE NO CHBISTIAN ?-Because he is a
muzzle-man.


The Sensation, Awful Thrill, Cold Shudder, Gasp, Groan,
Blood-and-Thunder, Agony, Rage, Misery, Despair, Envy,
Hatred, and Malice Supply Association.
[UNLIMtITED.]
CAPITAL ONE MILLION SENSATIONS, IN TEN THOUSAND SlHARES
OF ONE HUNDRED SENSATIONS EACIl.
DIRECTOR :
E. T. SM-nTI, ESQUIRe, Astley's Theatre.
(IWFith power to add to hisu number.)
,' The other directors and ollicers of the company are being duly
advertised for, and will, no doubt, turn up by the time they are
wanted.
PROSPECTUS.
IT can scarcely fail to have struck the individual nmmbPrs of a
discerning public, that great as is the demand for Agonizing Spaisms
and Throes of a superior description, the supply is at present ll, t lly
unable to meet it. It is true that professed scnsationists are co)mion
enough, but theatre and entertainment goers need liardly be reminded
that the quality of the Agony actually caused to tlhe speclttor rarely,
if ever, comes up to the quality of the Agony as advertised.
Fathers and mothers who have been induced to visit pnlces of
popular entertainment, accompanied by their little ones, attraclod by
the irresistible possibility of death, have often been noticed to gnash
their teeth and use all sorts of violent language on leaving (th doors,
unselfishly disappointed because the occasion of their little Il's'
visit has not proved to be the occasion of Agonizing Writhes. I n ,heort,
because they and their poor little children have drawn a blank in the
Sensation lottery.
It is to do away with the possibility of the occurrence of such anl
accident as the non-occurrence of an accident, and for the sullicient
and never-failing supply of Sensations, Awful Thrills, Cold Slihdders,
Gasps, Groans, 1lood-and-Thunder, Agony, Rtage, Misery, Despair,
Envy, Hatred, and Malice that this Association is promoted.
Every shareholder will contribute one hundred original ideas for
tremendous sensations capable of scenic illustration, and tile capital of
one million sensations so acquired will be carefully and judiciously
exhibited to the shareholders and the public every evening at Astlely's
Theatre.
The immense success of the hideous scene in which poor Aliss
FIuJTADO is scon (in effigy) tumbling out of' a flying car from the roof
of the proscenium on to the stage, during the supposed representation
of an extravaganza-a success which is indicated Iy groanis and
hysteric shrieks from -such of the audience, as, having entered the
theatre after the commencement of the pcrformanco, have the good
fortune not to have been placed iln possession of thin f'ut that tie
accident is premeditated, and who enjoy for the moment the treat of
being in a position to believe that an appalling accident has happened
to a young, graceful, and promising debutante, is sullicient, evidence of
the delightful sensation that a few apparently unrehearsed effects will
have upon an unprepared audience. It is, of course, intended that in
all cases the accident shall happen to a skilfully prepared dummy,"
which shall be so constructed as to emit a noise of shrieks, and to
bleed copiously in the usual manner. A model dummy" is on view at
the stage door, and may be seen and pricked by intending shareholders.
The effect of the proposed arrangement will be that all the Throes
and Spasms caused to the spectator will be as complete as if they were
occasioned by a really Hideous Accident, while at the samer time it
will not be open to any impertinent and inquisitive jury to pass
sentences of condemnation upon the manager.
A model of a ballet girl, who will catch lire when suspended from
the flies in the course of a transformation scene, and slowly roust to
death; and a harlequin, who will jump through a window during
temporary absence of the carpenter, who should be there to catcht him,
will be among the earliest novelties.
Astley's Theatre, 9th April, 1864.
FORM OF APPLICATION FOR SHARES.
To the Directors of the Sensation, Awful Thrill, Cold Shudder, Gasp,
Groan, Blood-and-Thunder, Agony, IRage, Misery, Despair, Envy,
Hatred, and Malice Supply Association.
GENTLEMEN,- IIaving paid into the hands of your banker the sum
of ...... sensations, being 100 sensations per share oni ...... shares in
the above Association, 1 request you will allot me that number of
shares, and I hereby agree to accept the same or any other less number
which may be allotted to me.
Name..............................
Profession ...............................
A address .................. ..................









[APRIL 30, 1864.


FUN.


TOWN TALK.


GIBSON, and a VILLIERS are ousted-ay, or even a PALMERSTON
who, in spite of a motley misbecoming at his years, is three times
as much of a statesman as the best man on the other side. And then
we should have a THESIGER to take the place of BETHEL-WESTBUIT
after a chancellorship remarkable for such a courageous policy as
dictated the judgment on "Essays and Reviews," or prompted the
measure to remove the scandal of the JOWETT persecution. I cannot
and will not believe England to be so disgracefully blind and deal
to reason-to common sense, as to desire such a change. She.


BY THE LAUNCHER AT THE PUBs.
IT is a matter of regret that
r English enthusiasm should
have shortened the stay of
A \Q GARIBALDI. Yet, perhaps,
after all, it is best as it is.
There is no knowing what
complications and difficulties
f 'might have arisen from the
k' desire of various people to
identify him with their views,
.r. *and he might have been
-.-- I committed to some causes we
j 'i "- should be sorry to see his

iT 1V perhaps, after all-best as it
1 is He has hadsuch arecep-
i tion -no organised state
i pageant, but the genuine
outburst of England's love
of liberty and her defenders
*. --as no crowned head ever
t yet received. To my mind
Srthe Crystal Palace gatherings
are the most important-
that of Saturday especially,
for it taught us what his countrymen think of the General. It
has been the Jesuitical game of his opponents to sneer away his
popularity in Italy, and tell us that heis thought poorly of there. It
is impossible to believe that, after seeing the reception of the Liberator
by the patriotic little band at Sydenham,
"Few and faint, but fearless still."
It seemed as if the cheers must have rung even to distant Venice,
around whose decaying palaces the blue tide, rising and falling, still
murmurs," Freedom-freedom !-I wait-I wait!" It was a sound to
make tyranny tremble, and the prisoner lift his head, forget his
chains, and listen There was one little banner borne by the exiles
which spoke volumes--"Rome or Death!" So be it! Such life as
GARIBALDI's has no other close worthy of it-Rome or death!
IT is a little sad to turn from all this enthusiasm to the real fact
that the Danes, who trusted to us to defend their liberty, have been
deceived. Gallant as their fight has been it cannot last, and when they
are ground under the cruel heel of Austrian tyranny, how their
reproachful eyes will turn to England! The arida nutrix of HAYNAUS
is returning to ler old practices. No doubt at the very moment when
BARCLAY Iand PERKINS'S draymen were welcoming the Italian hero,
some disciple of the hoary ruffian, whom they indignantly hunted
from the brewery-and no shame to them !-untaught by experience,
is scourging women, and renewing in Denmark the atrocities of
Poland and Hungary. Yes, we certainly have deceived the Danes;
but it is not fair to lay the blame on EARL RUssELL. I have no
doubt the little peer believed we should be able to step in with the
strong arm. Unluckily, there are other influences at work, and
English ministers may not cripple the German interests. If the
Tories were to come in to-morrow*they would be just as helpless as
the Whigs.
AND how about this coming-in of the Tories ? And what is to be
the new Government that is to restore the balance of the universe ?
Well! one item of the programme is something so astounding, so
startling, so ominous, that I am almost afraid to name it. The howl
of execration which the proposition will raise throughout the length
and breadth of the land would be appalling. Let me break the news
gently. No one will accuse me of being a servile admirer of the aristo-
cracy. There is nothing of the Morning Post veneration about me.
But I certainly do respect the traditions of the great English families
-the names to which coronets can add no lustre. Nay! I can
admire the recent creations-the men who have made money and
position in commerce. And then to think that such a class is to
have a I)SRAELI foisted upon it The very peerages that trace back
only to NELL GWYNNE are dishonoured by this tilling of a prostituted
intellect. The mushroom dignity of a cotton lord is disgraced by this
dignifying of a huckster of principles. I can't think of it with common
patience.
TnE rumour is, then, that EARL JUDAS, the Caucasian creation,
will lead the Upper Iouse-faugh! the aristocratic pack following
this miserable herring dipped in aniseed-and GENERAL PEEL, a most
harmless and well-intentioned mediocrity, will marshal the Commons.
And it is for such men as these that a GLADSTONE, a RUSSELL, a


.' On yon fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor."
Meanwhile, I must confess the Tories are going about their work
as cleverly as only unscrupulous and unprincipled people could. They
are picking out stones one by one that the edifice may totter to its
fall. The ex-assassin of PEEL has with his yelping pack hunted the'
most promising Lord of the Admiralty out of the post where his;
reforms were doing good, and now MR. LOWE has been baited into a
resignation. It is all very well to talk about this garbling of in.
specters' reports, but any one who knows the working of Government'
circumlocution offices knows that the system is the growth of years,
and not the offspring of Ms. LowE. The permanent head of their
Council Office, MR. LINGEN, is the goat to be driven out into the,
wilderness with all the sins on his head, not poor MR. LOWE, the,
nominally but not really responsible person.

OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
BY A SUPERFINE REVIEWER.
"THE Comic Literature of the Middle Ages," collected and edited
by SOLEMN'UN SOWERBY, F.R.S., F.A.S., A.B.C., D.E.F., and
A.S.S., corresponding member of the council of the University oe
Leyden, and Principal of Dulwich College. London: Gaowl,
KILLJOY, and SCOWL, Wormwood-street.
The learned editor has set himself seriously about this ponderous
task with much critical acumen, and full conviction of the importance
not only of the undertaking but of himself. He has compiled a:
weighty volume that will sink deep into the mind, enriching it with
rare stores of wisdom combined with anecdote, and wit, clothed in the
garb of philosophy. Many of the jests related derive great interest:
from the fact of their being told of celebrated personages enshrined in
history. Others, again, fling a light upon the manners and customs,
of our ancestors, or help to explain what has hitherto been obscure in
our traditions. We shall endeavour to give an extract as an instance
of each of these inestimable qualities of this most remarkable and valu-
able work.
OF MB. SMITH AND THE WAG.
(Anecdote told by an historical personage.)
1" A certain mad wag, drinking at an hostelrie with MR. SMeITH, that was some-,
time body servant to the Duke ol -- observed to that gentleman that his vig,
was awry. It may well be so,' said Mnl. SMITH, for in my haste to keep a meet-
iug with a certain one on business, I forgot to et it in the glass.' ho answered
the other, then that accounts for its being crooked ;' for it must be noticed thab
Mn. SMnli n's wig was a black one. MR. SMITH laughed at the jest but he never
forgave the jester."
We next give a short extract which explains an ancient habit still to;
be observed in remote parts of the country.
THE WITTY FELLOW AND THE SERVING MAN.
(Anecdote interesting to the Antiquareian.)
A witty fellow, putting up at a waysde inn, sat down to table with a company
of travellers ; being athirst-for he had travelled far afoot- he aIed a varlet what
hie had in that jug in his hand. The serving man replied, flippantly, nothing,'
whereupon the witty fellow bade nim go get it filled \ith beer. which so set the
company laughing that the drawer feeling the joke to be turned against him, would'
not return to the room but sent in the jug by a fellow servant. Tile tale coming to
the ears of the king, he sent for the witty fellow and gave him a pound for hi
pains."
The next clears up the origin of a popular saying of very old date.
THE PRENTICE AND THE ALMONER.
(Origin of a Popular Saw.)
"A prentice who had just served his time, journeying between London aid
Southwark, fell in with a certain Almoner of the Queen's who was bound for West-
minster. The road being a lone one, they agreed to travel together. *But,' quoth
the almoner, 'before we go farther, tell me, plithee, if thou be not a runaway
prentice ? to which the other replied, 'Nay, I have served out my time; I am now
going home to my mother.' Oho I' cried the monk, does your mother know you
are out of your articles?' No,' said the other, with great readiness, 'but she
shall soon.' The almoner was so pleased with the quickness of the boy's answer
that he took him into his service."
We could multiply examples of the worth of this interesting work,
but we feel sure our readers will look for them for themselves. We
cannot conclude this notice without observing how little our present
schoolof wit will bear comparison with such gems of humour as those
above quoted. The point of these stories is no mere word-play, but
consists in an under current of facetious and quaint thought which it
takes time to discover.








;APMa 30, 1864.] F TJ N 71


THE SCAVENGERS' STRIKE.
"O Thursday morning last the scavengers of Edinburgh struck work. They
had presented a memorialto the Town Council, praying to be relieved from all
light duty, and from all Sunday duty. On Saturday evening, the cleaning of the
Si'own was going on by a temporary force under the protection of the police."-
"27'nme, 18th April.
EDINA held her head aboon
Ilk either gude auld Scottish toon,
But hech she's ha en a sair come doon,
This week or twa,
; For monie a muck-cart driver loon
Has gien her jaw.
Her scavengers hae ta'en the gee,
To quat their wark they a' agree,
A' fient a ban' or han' they'll gie
To dight the place;
Till noo her closes, big an' wee,
Be a black disgrace.
Her streets are rinnin ower wi' glaur,
Her wynds are a' a hantel waur,
The Sultan's toon we winna daur
To sneer at mae;
Gin here ilk stiff-neck'd scavenger
S'S to win the day.
To wark by night they wadna gae,
Nor yet on Sabbath wark wad they;
Sae ilka coof ane April day
Flings doon his broom;
A wilfu' man maun hae his way,
Tho' 's wame be toom.
The Cleaning Council speak them fair,
An' promise a' they seek an' mair,
Gin they'll but to their wark repair;
Cam sturdy chiels!
They hearken till't, an' naething mair,
Syne turn their heels.
Dumbfoundered Baillie bodies meet,
To speer hoo they maun scoor ilk street;
Great is their power to drink er eat.
But set them talking ,
They're just as manly and discreet
As ducklings quackin.'
Atweel it's but a sad confession,
That advocates an lords o' session,
Wha crack the wheep o' legislation,
An' gar it whing,
Should thole this dirty innovation,
An' das naething.
The waly lads wha drive the plough,
E'en though they're dootless thrang enough,
Mak' shift to help an' clear the sheugh,
An' soop the stoor,
But a' they'll dae, it's rife a' rough,
/ A stiflin' smoor.
Dooce farmers havin' strae thackin'
To mix wi' seaweed, manure making ,
To Embro' streets just for the takin'
0' muck an' mire,
Can bring their carts, an' trundle back in
Their heart's desire.
Newhaven maidens fresh an' fair,
0' comely shape an' golden air,
Wii' kilted coats an' ankles bare
0' crinoline,
Can trip through mud wi' jaunty air,
Nor neatness tyne.
But finer sisters in the toon,
Wi' cumbrous fashion circled roun',
Gatherin' their crumpled claes, are boun'
To wade wi' care;
But jawp'd wi' glaur frae heel to crown,
They sadly fare.
Par be't frae me to say ye're wrang,
Or screed o' lesson gie in sang;
But I've a plan, if ye're no thrang,
Ye'll maybe list tae't.
It might bring ower you glaury gang,
Anew enlisted.


Jist roose them wool wi' truth or loss,
Fesh ben a cantio gill the piece,
A sonsio whang o' new milk cheese,
An' gie them baith.
Ye'so bend them to their yoke wi' oase,
1'll take my aith.
Tie dullest dolt that e'er drew breath
Gin he were o'en as dour as death,
Ye'll mak' him sooplo as a laith,
An' light's a flee,
Jist wi' a sowp, in glancin' freath,
0' barley bree.
Noo, I'm no rhymin' this for spite,
For weel I loe Edina bright;
Nor yet to show that I can write
Or raise the win'.
To raise a laugh an' hearts mako light,
I rhymo for FUN."


HOW IT WAS ALL ARRANGED.
[The Sene is a room in Downing-street. The Dramatis 'Prsonr are
two in number; the one an aged man, over whose head many/ summers
hJad passed,* yet still of jaunty steps; the other a youlger mano
of astute mien and budget-calculating eye. The aged one answers
to the name of P- n, the younger that of G- e.]
P--N.-Good morning, GLADDY. JOHNNY and 1 have boon
talking over GARIBALDI, and we don't half like it.
G-- E.-Pooh! nonsense! what's the matter now?
P- N.-Well, JOHNNY says the British constitution is in danger,
and won't admit of so much enthusiasm.
G-- (sneering).-And he wants to write a despatch upon it.
P--- .-Well, he did at first, I own, but I dissuaded him. It is
wonderful what messes that little man gets into with pen and ink. 1
knocked the idea on the head at once.
G--E (with relief).-I should think so. JOHNNY wants to go
down to posterity as the (not always) polite letter-writer of the Vic-
torian era, and signally fails in the attempt. But how about
GAIBALDI ? I suppose you're not afraid of the Tories getting up
another STANSFELD-MAZZINI row and kicking us out ?
P--N.-Well, not exactly that. But you see-
G- E.-No, I don't see anything except your fear of our being
kicked out.
P- N.--The Conference-
G--E.-Another of JOHItNY's projects.
P- N.-Will be seriously embarrassed by the presence of the
General in England.
G- E.-Nonsense !-what's he got to do with it ?
P- N.-Well, nothing; but then the Emperor mightn't like it if
he stays.
G-E.-And the country won't like it if he goes. Utrum horum
mavis accipe, and the elections coming on.
P- N.-We are on the horns of a dilemma. Dear, dear! what's to
be done ?
G- E.-Done ? Why! hum! ha! If you really think his
presence will hinder the Conference, it is awkward.
P--N (wheedlingly).-Don't you think, GLAuDY, as a known
friend of Italy, you could suggest to him on the quit, as they say
vul arly--
Gr--E.-Very vulgarly-but proceed.
P- N.-That if he were to-that is to say, should it be possible-
shorten his proposed sojourn in this country, it would be as well. His
health, you know, can't stand all the excitement he is undergoing;
and then consider his wound.
G-- E.-Tell him to go, that's what you mean. Why don't you
say solat once ?
P---N.-Oh, no; nothing of the sort. I should be the very last,
'pon my honour I should-wouldn't hear of it for a moment. But you
see, GLADDY-
G-- E. (with intense disgust).-Oh, I see. I suppose I must do it,
and here are no three courses open to me. What dirty work we
unfortunate statesmen have to do sometimes.
(And somehow or other GARIBALDI's stay in this country was
shortened. Curious-very!)

AwFUL !-Is there any connection between stupidity and the
"growth of years ?"-ears!
Yide any of G. P. It. JA Ms's novels, and find description of an old man.


;i








FU N.


WHO WOULDN'T BE A HERO ?
THE GENERAL CHASED BY THE PHOTOGRAPHIC FIENDS.


BEHIND THE SCENES.
OF course he consulted us. Was it likely that PAMwould think
of appointing a bishop without our sanction being previously given ?
To prove that these are not mere words, we willpublish the letters
ht at have passed on the subject between us; though to prevent heart"


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUB OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITH.-So Diippel has fallen at last P
BnowN.-Well, you know, four to one were very taking odds.


.. .. SMITH.-Nevertheless, like medicine, it nad to e well snaien uefure
burnings, we shall not allow our decision to appear. That, the public being taken; and as it was, it proved a very nasty dose for the
will hear all in good time. Meanwhile, the following is the pre- Prussians.
liminary correspondence:- BowN.-Still, if it cures those heroes of their taste for war, it
"DEAR FuN,-Here's another bishopric vacant. What's to be will be decidedly efficacious.
done ? You, of course, know best; and as my SHAFTESBURY bishops SMITH.-PAM has got another bishopric to dispose of. I wonder
have not been very successful, and the Government, under present cir- who'll have it ?
cumstances, is rather shaky, just give us a help. By-the-bye, con- BiowN.-Whoever it's offered to.
tradict all that humbug about our sending off GARIBALDT; we had SIITH.-It might be refused.
nothing to do with it; and if DIzzy and his lot get hold of it, it will BRowN.-Impossible; for our clergy, although by no means a down-
be too much of a cry for them to go to the country with. There's a trodden class, yet, in reality, are all for lawn (forlorn).
good fellow, give us a lift in this, and oblige yours eternally, SMITH.--Was NAPOLEON instrumental in the departure of
"PAM." GARIBALDI?
DEAlPAM-Yours received. Another bishopric i vacant, and BowN.--Not a bit of it-he's much toe wide awake.
"Dwel give you a lift. Send list of candidates bishop return of pos vacant, and SIT.-Vell, that's true, for even had he been the cause of the
we will give you a lift. Send list of candidates by return of post, and General'sejection from this country, every one would have said 'twas
we will at once point out under which thimble the little pea is to be action rom this country, every one would have said tw
found. We will contradict that humbug about GABIBALDI; as, in anun-NAppy proceeding.
found. e will contradict that humbug about ; a, i Bow.--The truth of your remark excuses thebadness of the pun.
addition to your denial, we don't believe you to be such a flat as to be S -H the inspectors of schools must rejoice
caught by any such Gallic chaff as that. The Tories, however, will SmnT.-How the inspectors of schools must rejoice
come in soon; and really you Liberals have had such a capital spell SoiTH.-s s n fm te
oof office, that you really ought not to grudge it them. SITR.-ME. Low's secession from the government.
"Ever yours, "FUN." BROWN.-Why so ?
S SMITH.-Because, whereas they had to practise the virtue of resig-
DEAR FUN,-Enclosed is the list-take your pick, and let's have nation to his educational minutes, he now has a slice off the same loaf
it over at once. in the shape of resigning office.
"Yours, "PAM."
And we did take our pick, and the result was- but our readers NEW BOOK IN THE PREss.-" Keeping up Ap-peer-ances," by a
will learn the fortunate candidate all in good time. Younger Son."

Printid by JUDD & ULASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 30, 1864.


_1A L .3OU, o004.








SMA 7, 1864.] FU N.


I'


LOOKS INTO LAW COURTS.
BEFORE THE LORDS JUSTICES.
THE object for which this Court was instituted was to gratify the
predilections of maniac suitors, who, not having had enough of law, or
having been unsuccessful in some other court, have come here to
obtain leave to take enough draught from the fountain of THEMIs.
Strange as it may appear-and we beg our readers particularly to note
this circumstance, since it shows that the legal heart is not altogether
incapable of pity-the insane desires of the lunatics in question are not
always granted. How true it is that the blackest cloud has a silver
lining. On first entering the court, the eye of the spectator, unac-
customed to legal pomps and vanities, is naturally struck with the
appearance of four bewigged figures under a canopy at one end of the
room, in a costume of black cloth and ermine, the idea of which is
evidently a combination of the Spanish inquisition and an elderly
lady in slight mourning. These are the Lords Justices; and the
length of time each has sat upon the judicial bench-which, N.B.,is not
a bench, but an arm-chair-may always confidently be determined by
the hue of the ermine; the older, professionally, the judge, the darker
the ermine. To avoid arousing feelings of envy among the members of
the judicial bench-a certain case, should we so highly distinguish any
of their number by immortalizing their names in the columns of FUN-
we n ill simply designate the justices by the titles of A B C and D.
This rule is infallible. Although apparently of waxwork, so immovable
do these four figures at first appear, the spectator, who may, perhaps,
rashly have taken up that idea, will be undeceived by observing one of
them gravely bend sideways to his companion, and his features will
perhaps relax into a grim smile beneath his wig. The barrister who
may be holding forth- and in this Court they always are holding forth-
imagines instantaneously that he has made a hit, whereas in all proba-
bility the risible muscles of the law expounder have only been tickled
by some utterly irrelevant matter, which he has kindly communicated
to his brother lawgiver to while away the tedium of listening to legal
argument. The case at present before the Court is that of a man who,
having been nonsuited in an action for damages against another man
for an execution which, as he asserts, was wrongfully put in, the money
having been paid, now wants, as he expresses it to a friend in Court,
"to have another shy at the beggar." We must also add, as strict
chroniclers of the truth, that'it is a not unusual custom of the Court
and the Bar to exchange, in the course of the argument, jokes of the
very mildest kind. Those emanating from the former being, we need
hardly say, received with instant appreciation; while those of the latter,
as a rule, fall fearfully flat upon the wearied audience.
ME. NOBBLY, a young barrister ardently desirous of distinguishing
himself, is addressing the Court, and trying to obtain the desired rule
for his client.
MB. NoBBLY.-The case, therefore, my luds, before the Court lies
in a nutshell, the kernel--
JUDGE A (seeing an opening for a joke, and putting it in with neatness
and despatch).-We have no higher rank than serjeant here, BEOTHER
NoBBLY ; this is not a court-martial.
MR. NOBBLY (continuing, and not to be pat down by a joke, even
from a judge).-Of which, my luds, I will at once lay before you
Had the witness PIGGLES been present on the trial of thellthof June
my client could not have been nonsuited. He would have proved, my
luds, that not only was the money paid-a proof of the punctilious, I
might almost say, surpassing honesty of my client-but also that
receipt-yes, a receipt was given; which receipt, however, beinf
unfortunately mislaid, the defendant at once claimed the money
second time, and, on its being refused, would not suspend execution
for a single day, and--
JUDGE C (who has for some time past been fast asleep, at this poini
wakes up, and, to show he knows all about it, at once perpetrates th,
following).-At executions, BROTHER NOBBLY, they only suspend fo
an hour, not a day.
(This strictly professional joke is received with raptures by tha
assembled Bar, who all look forward to the time when they car
perpetrate such with impunity and applause.)
MB. N. (continuing).-My unfortunate client was then the victim
of an accident.
JUDGE B.-Not an unfrequent case; victims are often found a
accidents; look at the railways, BROTHER NOBBLY !
MR. N.-Yes, my lud; but they always get damages, and that's wha
my client wants. I therefore ask, my luds, for a rule for a nev
trial.
(ME. NOBBLY sits down, and the four judges consult together, whicl
apparently consists in see-sawing and winking one to the other fo
about ten minutes, at the end of which time they announce to Mr


VOL. VI.


N. that they see no reason why his client should be indulged in his
suicidal intentions, and another case is called on, during which the
same in sane jocularities with the same results are perpetrated as
before.)

GARIBALDI.
A FAREWELL.
SOFTLY, swiftly blow, ye breezes, o'er the April-tinted sea,
Type of our own stately England, ever gloriously free;
Waft the graceful yacht from Plymouth past the massive granite walls,
O'er whose front each morn and evening every mighty billow falls;
Swiftly bear her past the echo of the channel breakers' roar,
Through the gleaming field of waters to the sunny southern shore;
Through the line of bluest wavelets, crested each with snowy foam,
Till, her canvas furled, she lands the hero at his island home.
And she well may cleave the waters, for the honoured freight she bears
Goes amid an English triumph and a nation's cheers and prayers;
Never yet was victor coming from the battle or the throne
Greeted with such splendid welcome, spoken in the mighty tone
Of a mighty people's homage-homage rendered to the chief
Who through years of strife and battle, want, and obloquy and grief,
Has unsheathed his sword for freedom, and from first to last the same
Purest patriot and hero, won himself a deathless name.
Hero, who in hours of peril never once was weak in heart;
Patriot, whose whole existence has but played the noblest part;
Hero, at whose name the BOURDON lost his blood-comented throne;
Patriot, whose fair Italia never son like him has known :
Hero, who at Aspromonte, by Italian hands shot down,
Breathed no whisper againstt the monarch on whoso brow he placed a
crown;
Patriot, whose scorn of self-aggrandizement has ruled his soul,
Still his name shall glitter changeless as Time's billows onward roll!
So amid the love of England and a million blessings, he,
Circled in our eager homage, seeks his island of the sea;
Poor, though provinces he conquered, in the sum of worldly wealth;
Shattered by the stealthy progress of the wound that struck his health ;
But beyond all power of fancy, rich in what such natures prize,
In the love of a free people, shown him in adoring guise;
So be seeks his far Caprera, leaving us the magic spell
Of his presence, which so saddens all in uttering-Farewell I

FROM THE SECOND COLUMN.
ALL advertisements are funny, and the following is no exception to
the rule :-
SANS C(EUR.-I am returned, and now at your disposal.-Ml. PO.LIAKV, P.1.0'
13, Paddington-green.
This has a deep political meaning. MR. PAUL(PRY)LARY is re-
turned-for a county or borough, of course-and is now at the dis-
posal of whom ? Time will show, and in the meantime we advise all
England to keep its weather eye open. What is the meaning of the
mysterious letters P.I.O. ? Is it PoPr Pio ? No, no, it can't be that.
The last sentence is probably intended to be read thus: MRl
'POLLA(KT) P(EEKINB) I(nhabiting) O(f) 13, Paddington-green
SThat's it.
Here's a poor fellow who has been sold:
SIF the GENTLEMAN will CALL AGAIN at 19, Gloater-place, le will flid the party
he inquired for the end of last week.--M.G.
Some stupid blunderer mistook the date of an evening party to
which he had been invited, and horrified at the stupid blunder he had
committed, rushed off without leaving his card. Ilis considerate
Hostess not knowing his name, and not wishing him to be disappointed,
e inserts the above. She is a brick.
r Did the Duke insert the following, or was it penned by a flunkey ?
A MACAW or PAROQUET claimed sanctuary in one of the upper rooms of Staf-
e ford House early on Saturday morning. After describing the same to tho
porter the owner shall have the bird.--Stafford House.
It is hard lines on the owner of the bird that he should be required
Sto describe one of the upper rooms of Stafford Iouse before his macaw
is restored to him. The chances are strongly in favour of his never
t having entered one of them, and if he has, does he remember it sufli-
ciently to describe it ? Or stay-perhaps we have misinterpreted the
t duke's (or the duke's flunkey's) meaning. Of course we have. It is
v Saturday morning" that must be described to the porter. This is
easy enough to do; although it is rather arbitrary on his grace's (or
h his grace's flunkey's) part to insist upon such a condition. Saturday
r last was the anniversary of the Tercentenary, and a glorious day
. it was, too.









FUN.


MAY 7, 1864.


THE SHAKESPEARE OAK v. THE GARIBALDI
HOAKS.
THE working-men struck work, and the city clocks struck one,
When retired Russell-square
Became quickly aware
(By the crowd gathered there),
That the SHAKESPEARE affair
Might, could, would, or should be in earnest begun.
There were Odd Fellows (doubtless !), with Foresters, Druids,
And similar brotherhoods, based upon "fluids,"
Assembled with banners, stars, sashes, and stripes,
And symbolical fogles, or kerchiefs, or wipes;
There were bold RoBIN HOODS (looking rather like guys);
There were hand-in-hand banners, and banners with eyes;
Or, like cyclops (those blacksmithized, vulcanized creatures),
Banners bearing one only of those useful features.
There were mystic insignia (grand to behold !)
In well polished brass, made to imitate gold.
In short, my dear FUN, an alchemical fusion
Of banners and buncombe in reckless profusion.
And "gentle woman" joined the throng that marched to Primrose-
hill,
For women, bless their beaming eyes! all love their own "SWEET
WILL."
Tag-rag and bob-tail, too, were there, in scanty garb arrayed;
With not a few
Keen adepts, true,
Of FAGIN'S fakement trade.
The procession was formed, and set forth on its way
In disorderly order, and motley array,
Through square and through street;
Pressing all whom they meet
To join them, by arguments cogent and neat,
These Pilgrims of SHAKESPEARE forgot their "poorfeet,"
And pressed on, till at length their brass band vanguards greet
The eyes of roughs on Primrose-hill (and perhaps afew blite).
'Tis true historic talent was, in PHELPS'S person, there;
And, but for dread neuralgia, the talented and fair
Composer of the charming song, commencing Woodman spare,"
And also those affecting lines anent an old arm-chaif,"
Had read the pleasing ODE she wrote to grace this joyous day;
But as she could not well be there, she wisely stayed away.
At length the hallowed spot is reached atfoot of Primrose-hill,
And those who met to grace the manes of England's "GLORIOUS
WILLL"
Were ranged in rings (like those who pay
Ten guineas, at the break of day,
For seats in trains that may convey
In safety [if no beak says nay]
Their bones to spot where brutes essay
To smash each other's phiz, that they may win a OORE-IOs mill).
But now a contretemps occurred;
For 'tis in sober truth averred,
That fears were expressed all their hopes would be baulked,
For the Avon-filled bottle was hopelessly corked !
There's a cry there's a shout What on earth shall we do ?
A kingdom no !-sixpence for loan of a screw !
A corkscrew of course-'tis soon found, and then pop
Went the cork (like your watch in your kind uncle's" shop).
This brings me to PIIELPS--whose "engagement at four"
Might p'r'aps be a fact-'twas, at least, a slight bore.
However, he spoke, and 'twas taken for granted,
That the oak of his text had been there and then planted !
Then stood ELIZA on the wood-crowned height"
(Come, come, Miss MusE, that's not exactly right);
'Twas MISTRESS BANKS who for ELIZA spoke,
With Avon water christening "SHAKESPEARE'S oak."
Then came the ode, and then there came O dear !
A noise, a tumult (very much I fear
A stalking horse was made of WILL SHAKE-speare),
For meni iniiignant said things l irsh, severe,
Of "pliant PA.M" and "puny, wriggling R SSELL,"
Because they did, nith most unseemly bustle,
Ar NAP'S REQUEST, incontinently hustle
Out of llritaini, and from Iton's ken,
The brave, true-he:arted PATRIiT, KING OF MEN !"
Then Peelers appeared, but their method of quieting
Disturbance seemed likely to urge on to rioting ;


Until one or two men on the "planting committee,"
Explained what a pity
'Twould be if the city
Of London should* earn the eternal disgrace
Of staining the fame of the pride of his race"
By a squabble with Bobbies;
And by such means rob his
Memorial oak of a dignified place
In the list of centenary (pardon the" ter")
Events by attaching this most vulgar slur,
That his countrymen always (in Latin that's "semper")
Are prone to exhibit their choleric temper.
This logic prevailed, and soon left in its glory
Was the SHAKESPEARE oak," planted by PHELPS-" con moree"


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LAUNCHER AT THE PUBS.
OUR admiration for our gallant ally across the water is getting little
too strong. I don't mean to say that I believe it was at his desire
that GARIBALDI was so soon shown the national door, but I allude to
the treatment of the indignation meeting at Primrose-hill. The
conduct of the police was unquestionably bad, but those who sent them
to break up an orderly gathering of the sort are still more to blame.
Are we to thank the HoN. WILLIAM COOPER or SIR GEORGE GREY
for a police interference worthy of the despotic rule of NAPOLEON
THE THIRD ? I am much mistaken if something more is not heard
of this.
I DON'T think there can be any doubt, in spite of all the assevera-
tions in Parliament and out, that GARIBALDI was advised to leave
England for another reason besides the one alleged. It is true he
was overtaxing his strength, and it did not require a FERGUSSON to
discover that; but the danger was exaggerated, and the advisers of
the general's departure talked loudly of his health, and made a mental
reservation of the other reasons. GARIBALDI himself was not so
Jesuitical. He yielded to the pressure, but he would not consent to
conceal the fact that he had done so. I feel obliged to go" is all he
says ; he will give no false reason, and he cannot give the true one.
What is the true one ? A political reason. Not a bit of it. The
ex-special constable knows England well enough not to have inter-
fered in such a case, and it is not likely that Austria has sufficient
weight with the Ministry to make them endanger their popularity-
as they unquestionably have done-by such a step. There is only
one motive power sufficiently strong to induce them to run such a
risk, when they can so ill afford it. However, I am glad that the
PRINCE OF WALEs, at all events, did homage to the greatness of the
Italian hero. It shows him to be superior to the small jealousies that
sometimes hedge round royalty.
THE SHAKESPERIAN celebration passed off as flatly as I have all
along prophesied. The London Committee will make even less than
I thought, for I understand the theatres were by no means crowded
on the Saturday night. The most successful ceremony was the
planting of the working men's oak on Primrose-hill-though the
Times-the Liberal organ !-sneered at it. If the flunkey spirit of
that miserable sneak of a journal expected to find in a meeting of
mechanics any of the glitter and glory which dazzle the editorial eyes
at Cambridge House, why naturally it was disappointed. I should
trust a time will come when the "leading journal" will discover to
its cost that the way to hold the position it boasts is to move with the
ranks of labour and progress, not to flutter a mercenary parasite about
the lobbies of great men's houses in the hopes of catching a smile
from nobility. Such carping and sneering as it bestowed on the
honest and humble enthusiasm of the working man were utterly
unworthy of its assumed position.
Apropos of the Times, I cannot resist a laugh at the shallow in-
competence of its art criticism, and the ignorance of the commonest
subjects so often displayed in it. It spoke of a retriever, in a picture
of SIR EDWIN'S, as a Newfoundland; and if SIR EDWIN can't cast a
lion he can paint a dog; it doesn't know the stem from the stern of
the boat in GEROME'S picture in the French gallery; and in speaking
of a remarkably clever picture of WALKER'S, in the old water colour,
the subject taken from PHILIP, it blunders frightfully, describing the
elderly "little sister" as young PHILIP'S wife! When it displays
such ignorance of common things, who will believe in its knowledge
of art ?
WHAT with the result of the visit of GARIBALDI, and a number of
other coincident circumstances (the sneering of the Times among the
rest), the good feeling which bade fair to exist between the titled and
the working classes (I shan't call them "upper" and "lower "), is


_ I_ __ ~~ _


---~----~-~-"- 7








MAY 7, 1864.] F U N.


considerably shaken. An estrangement has occurred, and the old
cry of pleb. and patrician is awakened. I have no desire to add to the
rancour, but I should not feel justified in passing over in silence the
seemingly generous behaviour of LORD DERBY and the Conservative
Lind Society. The Battersea estate of this latter body is to be laid
out for building. and some three hundred houses are to be erected on
it for the working classes. How noble, how thoughtful !-only houses
mean votes, and tenants are somehow under the influence of landlords
in such matters, especially poorer tenants. It is a pity that the
popular measures of the Earl and his party are not framed so as to
bear inspection better.
. THm Conference is dragging on, after all sorts of snubs from the
German representatives. Perhaps as EARL RUSSELL is under the
immediate supervision of his colleagues he won't have the chance of
much grief. Poor Denmark Let us hope she will outlive our
kindness. BERNAL OsBoEN2, whose misfortune it is that people
only listen to him in hopes of a laugh, said something sadly, sternly
true on the subject the other day. Denmark," said he, will learn
ere long that it is only necessary for England to take an interest in a
country to bring it to the verge of ruin." We certainly have taken
an interest in Denmark then.


PRUSSIA'S PRETTY ONES.
DANCE before the conqueror's steps,
Lovely German maidens,
Sing him songs of victory
With sweet voices' cadence
Burning homesteads, shattered roofs,
Little children slain,
Women houseless-these are proofs
Of your country's gain !
Is this fame ? For shame-for shame !
Will you bear the stain-
Dance before such conquest's path ?
Lovely German maidens,
Can ye drown the world's just wrath
With sweet voices' cadence ?
Strew your blossoms bright and gay
On war's gory mud !
There are fair fields far away
Blushing with man's blood.
Dance before the march of CAIN,
Lovely German maidens;
Chanting "blood" as a refrain
With sweet voices' cadence.
Better sit at home and pray,
Scrape at lint and bandage;
Ladies might delight in fray
In Romance's grand age.
Now a purer duty leads-
Now a higher law prevails;
Woman's share in warfare's deeds
Only FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE'S !
Dance not then the Dance of Death,
Where the devil beats the tabour;
Pray that soon your land may sheathe
This foul, savage sabre;
You should teach of peace and preach
"Love-not hate your neighbour I"


The Medecin malgre lui.
POOR GARIBALDI has been compelled to doctor himself. The
Sangradoa ordered him English air, and then countermanded the
delicacy- perhaps because the General was served with a dish of
popular enthusiasm that was fit to be set before a king. If
four-and-twenty blackbirds were not baked in the interdicted viand,
three black crows" have come out of it over and over again. But
in spite of the many ridiculous rumours, it is quite plain that the
General's departure was dictated out of regard for a constitution-but
it wasn't the General's constitution.

MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
WHEN the inspector confiscates the scales of an unjust trader,
what is the necessary consequence of the act to the latter ? He is
compelled to see the error of his weighs !


THE CONFERENCE.
[4 room in the official residence of the First AI'd of the Treasury,
.Downing-street. Enter the EARLS OF CLARON DON and RUSSILL.
EARL C. (impatient'y).- I say, JOhNNY, I hope those fellows nin't
going to keep us waiting much longer; this sort of thing won't do,
you know.
EARL R.-Don't be impatient. Of course they'll come this time.
We have only been waiting for BEUST, the German Diet man.
EARL C. (musingly).-BEUST, BUST--chanigo a letter and it
becomes beast. (With emphasis.) So he is, for keeping us dancing
attendance until the stupid Saxon chooses to put in an appearance.
Like all Germans, slow, but certainly not sure of anything save sauer-
kraut, and that's awfully nasty. llulloh here come BRUNNOW and
EwERs. [Enter BARON BRUNNOW and M. EwmBR.] Good
morning, gentlemen, nice day for the time of year.
BARON BRUNNOW.-Good morning, men cher, haven't the other
gentlemen arrived yet ? 1 hope, as your homnnes de la boxe say, they
mean to come up to the scratch.
EARL R.-Perhaps, as SHAKESPEARE says, "they have no itching
for the fight," and so object to the scratch.
EARL C. (reprovingly).-JoHNNY, don't forget yourself-this is not
the Privy Council, and that sort of thing won's do here. [Goes to
window and looks out.] At lust they're coming, all together, like a
start for the Derby.
[Enter the diplomatists. Greetings, introductions, and politeness gene-
rally take place, followed by a seleclian, of lmetorological remarks
indispensable to all assemblages in this country.
EABL R.-Well, gentlemen, as we are all here at last (looking a
small armory of daggers at BARON DE BEUST'), 1 suppose WO had
better get to business.
BARON DE BEUST (with an expression of intense surprise, as if the
idea was something quite new to him).- I hope I have not kept you
waiting. You see, Messieurs, my friends at Gotha would not lot me
come before. We had so much to talk over.
EARL C. (aside).-The stupid humbug! Like his impudence,
indeed! As if we weren't up to his dodges.
COUNT APPoNYI.-Business-ah--yes, of course. By-the-bye,
Prince, have you heard the new tenor WACHTErL ? Best voice out,
so they tell me.
PRINCE DE LA TOUR D'AUVERGNE.-Give me GIUGLLNI. MARIO,
when he had a voice, was all very well, but now-a-days there's nobody
like my friend G.
COUNT BEBNSTORFF.-IIis C in alto is wonderful.
EARL R. (interrupting the conversation sententiously).-The pleni-
potentiaries composing the Conference being now all ewnombled, the
first business before us to consider the best means to attain-
COUNT BERNSTOIFF.-A nice turn-out that I saw one of your
attaches driving to-day, APPONYI. Do you think he'd be inclined to
part with it ?
COUNT APPONYI.-I don't know. Come up and ask him to-morrow.
EARL 1.-Gentlemen, really this is not the business for which we
are assembled, you must-
EARL C. (aside to EARL R-USSELL).-Don't you see their little
game?
EARL R.-Bless me, you don't say so I Shall I go and write a des-
patch about it ?
EARL C.-Whatever you do, JOHNNY, for goodness sake leave pen
and ink alone. Remember what D)uEl. said, meddle and muddle."
EARL It. (to the rest of the plenipotlnliarice with greal firmness,
breaking in upon the various conversations going on round the table).-
The first proposition we have to consider, gentlemen, is that of an
armistice.
COUNT AProNYI (with feigned astonishment).-An armistice you
don't say so ? The first we'vo heard of it! (WWinking to the
Prussianplenipotentiary.) Isn't it, BE]RNSTOIRFF
COUNT BERNSTORFF.-Oh, certainly. Dear me !-if you'd only
mentioned it before I've no instructions from my government on
that head. Have you, APPONYI ?
COUNT AP ONYI.-Not a word. How very unlucky! This is
dreadfully perplexing. We niaust, I am afraid, aiJourn lor tlie present;
that will be the best plan, won't it, BUlINSTOi'FF ?
COUNT BERNSTORIFF.-Yes, I am afraid so.
EARL I. (resignedly).-Very well. (Aside.)-Oh you artful
humbugs!
[The meeting breaks up. As they are departling COUNT BUicIINTORFF
is heard to say to COUNT A'PONYI, I shan't get my instruc-
tions till Alsen is taken. Shall you?" 7'o which the answer returned
"Not if I know it," is accompanied by a wink. And thIu
ends the second meeting of the Conference.]








FU N.


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SEASIDE AMUSEMENT.
Fred.:-" WELL, CHARLIE, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOURSELF YESTERDAY P "
Charlie (dreamily) :-'"WELL, IN THE MORNING I SMOKED; THEN I READ THE PAPER AND SMOKED AGAIN;
-LET SiE SEE-OH, I SMOKED ALL THE EVENING."


AND AFTER DINNER


"JUSTICES' JUSTICE;"
on,
THE PARSON AND THE PAUPER.

BY A Low FELLOW.
ON Tuesday, an old man named SILAS SKINNEU, about 60 years of age, was
charged before the county magistrates with going to sleep in tihe open air. *
The accused said lie had nowhere to sleep. The REv.. MR. MAIsIHAM, the presiding
magistrate, told the prisoner he was 'an almost incorrigible character,' and
sentenced him to six weeks' hard labour."-South Eastern Gazette.
THE Bench is sitting; without a doubt
The crime is proven-the case made out,
That SILAS SKINNER, who sixty years
Has crawled along through this vale of tears,
Whose hair is grey and whose cheeks are wan,
And yet, vile, hardened, and shameless man,
Because a bed he can get nowhere
Is detected sleeping in open air.
"Your ear to me, SILAs, a moment lend,"
Says MARSHAM, J.P., and reverend;
"To teach you of sin a fitter sense,
I order that you be taken hence,
Since the light of nature will not avail,
For six weeks' labour in Maidstone gaol;
And in future, SILAs, you'd best beware
Of the crime of sleeping in open air I"
Oh! MA SHAM, J.P., and reverend gent,
There was One of old through Judea went,
Who with fishermen shared His daily bread,
And oft had nowhere to lay His head;


And you, sir, a teacher of His word,
Who bend your knee and call Him Lord,
In His book does He tell you anywhere
Of this sin of sleeping in open air ?
But a day for the children of men will be,
When the Judge of the earth our eyes shall see,
When MARSHAM, J.P., and reverend gent,
And this pauper MAnSHAM to Maidstone sent,
Will stand midst their brethren side by side,
When many will find earth's ledgers lied,
When the pauper who slept in the open air,
And MARSHAM, J.P., are equal there!
The sentence is passed, the justice gone
To his home to crow o'er the good he's done;
Of a bed is the aged pauper sure,
And hard labour as well, for being poor.
The pauper is weak, but the law is strong;
Yet, people of England, I ask how long
Such "justice" as MARSHAM'S will ye bear,
E'en though hundreds slept in the open air P

A HumAN RING-DOVE.-A bride!
THEATRTCAL.-There are now two brothers performing at the
Princess's Theatre, who are WEBBY much alike!
TREES influence a poetical mind more in winter than in summer,
because at the former period there is, of course, more rime" about
them!
MEDICAL.-If a yeoman were to get a prescription for an affection
of the skin, he ought, most decidedly, to have it made up by a
farmer-cuticle chemist !


rn,-.. 11 mbA


__ _


I


[VMLAY i 100%.






FTJN.-MAY 7, 1864.


THE PIG-HEADED GOULE.
(Dedicated with erery feeling of disgust to that enlightened Monarch, KING W*L***"* OF PIl***IA.)








I MAY 7, 1864.]


FUN.


Jun in sarlixammf .

HOUSE OF LORDS.-MONDAY, 2..TH APRIL.
NOBLE lords listened to an incomprehensible humming, and in five-
wand- t ,. i. minutes after assembling, found that they had polished off
Jfive I~lrd readings and one second.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
MR. H. LEWIS asked SIR GEORGE GREY if he had ordered thepolice
to disperse the Primrose-hill meeting. The HOME SECRETARY said
.it was none of his work; the police had acted on previous orders,
.which were intended to prevent any public assembly in the parks.
:SIR GEORGE GREY declared his sorrow at this stretch of snobbish
toadyism. We would not advise its repetition.
SMai BENTINCK then rose, ostensibly to make a personal explanation,
'but in reality to abuse that man of England's heart-GARIBALDI. A
'more dirty style of doing a nasty thing has seldom come before the
Ho'-,.. but then it was BENTINCK. What need of more?
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER promised that he would
respectt the opinions of SIR J. FERGUSSON,a gentleman who is beginning
to make himself felt in the Commons.
Mn SCHOLEFIELD moved the second reading of a clever bill,
wiher.-.-; a capitalist may lend money to a business firm without the
rihk :.I being swindled, and without the chance of being a cormorant.
Mi t. O'HAGAN proposed to scrub the Irish Court of Chancery. It
ewas in a very bad state, and there was surely no reason why England
l ubnuld be clean, and Ireland dirty. WHITESIDE immediately
hbrwek.,l.. "That's O'HAGAN'S Bill. It may be good, but it's
'O'Ha.utN'S." So he flourished the shillelagh of his tongue, and
glared savagely. HENNESSY, too, would rather that Irish law be as
bad as possible, but of course nothing came of this party-spirit op-
mpios. i.:,o.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TUESDAY.
SLORD CHELLSFORD in a masterly and exhaustive speech brought
'forn.,r.l the case of the Tusoaloosa, and declared that the Foreign
.Oti. eo bad violated the law. It was a pitiable sight to observe EARL
RUS8SELL during the trenchant harangue of CHELMSFOR D. He
kept on scribbling notes to WESTBURY, imploring WESTBURY to
.coach him up in some reply, but all the stiffness seemed taken out of
dthe LORD CHANCELLOa-his nose shook visibly. EARL RUSSELL
obser,-.'J these indications with increased alarm, and in an agitated
way ,-crcl:hed his trousers-a peculiarity of his when bothered. The
*little n,'u was very earnest in declaring that we ought to be perfectly
.nestril between the North and South; but who believes in his
nEI r II i, ? His conduct has sprung from a notion of his, that the
JFJ.-ral' would conquer the seceding States. Had he taken the
.other \ i v we should have seen him with his hat off to MR. MASON.
L0ior KINGSDOWN knocked out what little breath was left in
EaRL lir'SSELL, and then WESTBURY was asked what he thought
of tl.? business. The LORD CHANCELLOR almost went down
on lhit knees, entreating that he should be let alone-he knew
'.nothing about it. He looked all of a heap and perspired so freely that
-his shirt collar, usually remarkable for its starchy propriety, was as
lump as an old rag.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
MR. FERRAND again brought up the question of the Sheffield
Tes.ri.:i.r. The honourable member deserves all credit for his per-
*islr n. y on these subjects. MR. A. MILLS moved for New Zealand
correspondence, and declared his belief that we had been unjust to the
*Maories. MR. BUXTON seconded the motion in a very able speech,
.but both these gentlemen tried to prove too much. MR. CARDWELL
replied in a most temperate and statesmanlike manner. Certainly the
.New Zealand legislature must be curbed. A large number of the
letters howl for plunder.
Mn. LINDSAY, on Harbours of Refuge, demanded that the recom-
mendations of the Committee and Royal Commission should be car-
ried out. The result of the debate was very disgraceful to the House.
Mn. LINDSAY'S motion was rejected, though in his reply he clenched
the whole matter by declaring that if only one-tenth of the lost were
saved, that stood as an answer to the special pleading of MR. M.
GIBSON, who dwarfed the question down to the very uttermost
confines of red tape. By the way, what a lost man is Ma. MILNER
GIBSON Who thinks of him now, save as a Government attache.
HOUSE OF COMMONS-WEDNESDAY.
SMR. NEWDEGATE brought in his fat boy, labelled Church Rates
commutation." There is no more honest man than MR. NEWDEGATE,
but all his parliamentary children are impossible. This present
bffp.rri- i' most unwieldy and plethoric, dreadfully short-winded, with
a countenance covered with innumerable blotches. No one will have


anything to do with it. The most noticeable feature of the debate was
that LORD JOHN MANNERS perpetrated a good joke on lM LOCKE.
The SPEAKER was so astonished that he desisted in the mastication of
a saveloy and stared at MANNERS with half the catable protruding
from his mouth.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-THURDAY.
MR. FERRAND is becoming useful. Again he pressed on the
Sheffield reservoir question, and also inquired as to children in Paper
Tube Factories.
MR. PEACOCKE then brought forward his motion on the Tusoa-
loosa, and in a speech of singular ability showed how idiotically uncon-
stitutional had been the conduct of the Government under the tutelaego
of SIR BALDWIN WALKER, that devoted admiral who kisses the too
of the Foreign Office. But then gratitude is a great thing, and SIR
BALDWIN has reason to be grateful for his escape from the sailing-tub
of former days. The SOLICITOR-GUNERAL first of all proved that we
had been perfectly right, and then was as elaborate to prove that we
were perfectly wrong. Orders had been given to release the Tusca-
loosa. How enraged BALDWIN will bol When the A'TTORNY-
GENERAL at the Cape refused to let him disgrace England, he got
frightfully red in the face-now he will be purple. MR. W Viri'-
SIDE came out with a stinger, which called forth shouts of No!
no !" from the Ministerial benches; but we shrewdly suspect WA1rr.'-
SIDE exhausted the whole matter by declaring his belief that the EA lL
of NEW YoRK had looked upon the South as a conquered people.
MR. J. POWELL desired to support very humbly the sound principles
of the SOLICITOR-GENERAL." Very humbly indeed, Powi'.IL Why
did you speak ? A count-out dodge was tried, but MR. M ACKINNON,
who has this duty put upon him, failed to help his employers. T'he
ATTORNEY-GENERAL was the most honest of the Government
speakers. He deprecated the cheat by which the Tuscaloosa had been
entrapped. SIE HUGH CAIRNS knocked about the Government law
in his usual merciless fashion. The ministry evaded the censure by a
majority of 34 in a house of 404, but such would not have been the
case had they not previously saved themselves by swallowing the
leak.

OUR CONFESSION.
SOME short time ago we sent the following work to one of our
reviewers-
"THE FRACTIONAL FAMILY."
And this is the commencement of the preface:-
"The Primary object of the following pages is to exhibit the
Passional Soul System of Man as a Trinity in Unity of Affectivo, Dis-
tributive, and Sensitive Passional Attractions, in strict correspondence
with the Trinity in Unity of Spirit-Mathematics-Matters which are
the fundamental principles of the Universe, and to exhibit thon also
as for ever urging MAN through their Neutral or Mathematical
centres, the Distributives to distribute himself and his material sur-
roundings into the Social and Industrial Order, determined by Nu-
merical and Geometrical Laws, as by this alone he can achieve his
Destiny of .Good and Welfare upon the Earth."
Now we are quite sure that our staff will be ready to admit that
we treat them with every consideration, but human nature is prone
to err (we are so upset that a truism must pass), and we are com-
pelled, as some relief to the upbraidings of conscience, to furnish
evidence against our supposed universality of hmnane principles. We
have done a grievous wrong to a promising young man-the unhappy
victim to whom we gave "The Fractional Family" for review is
hopelessly crazed. Not hearing anything from him, we, yesterday,
called at his chambers and found, on inquiry of his laundress, that
he had been carried away as a raving lunatic. Tie old lady had some
inkling of the cause, for with sundry applications of a dirty apron to
the corner of a trickling eye, she sobbed with hysterical fervour,
"Drab that 'ere FUN We tried to soothe the kind-hearted but
demonstrative old party, but we were not courageous enough to
inform her that the object of her antagonism stood before her.

NOT-T-so BAD.-Were a second deluge to occur, the best place to
retreat to would, of course, be New-ark.
CALCRAFT has given up his original occupation of shoe-making, and
cannot, therefore, be said to be true to the last!
SPEING has come upon us so suddenly this year, that it may be said
to have done so with a somer-sault!
A BIT FROM "TIHE BUDoGT."-One reason for lowering tlhe duty
on refined sugar would obviously be the ease with which it can be col-
lected in the lump.


__









80 FU N. [MAY 7, 1864


HIBERNIAN.
Paddy :-" COULD YOUR HONOR DIRECT ME TO THE CIRCUS ?"
Swell:-" THIS IS THE REGENT'S CIRCUS."
Paddy:-" Is IT ? BEDAD, THEN, IT'S THE QUEEREST CIRCUS
THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. WHERE'S THE HORSES ?"

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITH.-I say, the London celebration of our bard nearly termi-
nated in the station-house.
BRowN.-That would have been a local habitation and a name"
in the police reports, with a vengeance.
SMITH.-Well, after all, it would only have been natural that what
began with a squabble among themselves should end in a row with
the authorities. Nevertheless, SIR RICHARD MAYNE is a delightful
man for a small party.
BRowN.-Oh yes, and the smaller the better. But somehow his
MAYNE force don't seem to be appreciated among the working
classes. First of all there was the Strutton-ground business, and
now this interference.
SMITH.-For mismanagement and want of tact he and SIR GEORGE
GREY might be driven in a curricle. They make a splendid pair
of--
BRowN.-Now, respect the constituted authorities, and for good-
ness sake don't say donkeys.
SMITH.-Well, I won't say it; but thoughts are free.
BROWN.-Do you see that our episcopal friend, the Saponaceous
One, at the head of a body of the clergy, want to decide all their own
religious difficulties themselves ?
SMITH.-Pleasant look-out that for essayists and inquiring minds
generally.
BROWN.-Oh, very!
SMITH.-And how a few cases of orthodox firmness towards so-
called heretics will endear the Church to the great body of the people
BROWN.-Won't it ?
SMITH.-And how all sceptics will be convinced !
BROWN.-Just so.
SMITH.-And what a glorious example of toleration will be set to
other and less-enlightened nations !
BEoWN.-Let's hope they'll profit by it.
SMITH.-Ah well; unfortunately wait until Parliament grants
them the power of deciding controversies before we enjoy all these
blessings.


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
BY OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.
THE TWO THOUSAND.
SIE,-When I last addressed you, I hinted sportively at your
generous offer to pay my doctor's bills. I was little aware that I
should so soon be compelled to throw myself-no, I'm too tender all
over for that-to let myself down gently on your bounty. I'll tell
you how it happened.
Being anxious to have my own personal opinion on the merits of
the favourite, I determined to be present at one of his trials, and with
that intent some short time ago paid a visit to his training-ground.
There appeared to be a childish objection to the presence of a com.
parative stranger entertained by the stable, which forestalled (stable,
four-stalled-not so bad for me !) my intention. I am a modest man,
as you are well aware, and did not wish to intrude my company; so
with the retiring nature which so becomes me, I took humble tem.
porary residence in a furze-bush, which commanded a view of the
gallop. The bush, I may observe, had as much point about it as a
number of FUN, so you will guess my position was not pleasant, for
prickles are not [incentives to sport, and the best of cords are not
proof to the insinuating manners of "fuz." Well, as I was sitting
like PHILOMEL, leaning my breast-well, no, not my breast exactly,
but no matter-against a thorn, I was discovered by some particularly
rude parties belonging to the stable, who collared me immediate, and
called me a touting wagabone. What's worse, they gave me such a
horsewhipping that I've hardly been able to wag a bone since. I
hide my anguish behind a smile, and tell my friends it's rheumatism,
but if it is, I caught it from a double thong. However, I have the
satisfaction of feeling that I was a martyr to my sense of duty, but
that don't altogether minister to a mind-or any other part of one'
person- diseased. "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown," anil
I can assure you I haven't been able to sit down since with any com.,
fort or without an air-cushion.
Well, sir, having borne the whips and scorns of what-ye-may-call-it!
-I am not blessed with a good memory, or I would out-SHArI.:
SPEARE the SHAKESPERIAN Committee-1 was enabled at last to pay
a visit to Newmarket.
I have already told you, or at all events have had it on my mind to
tell you for some weeks past, that General Peel ought to win thil
Two Thousand. The race was a capital one-General Peel outstripping
every one. The judgment of Paris's rider has been questioned, fo
they say its the "first capital" horse in Europe, and ought to hawv
beaten the General. I may add that I put the pot on, and in a '
pot-a few--as the French say.
The weather was capital, and the betting brisk. One party i:
whom I betted was rather too brisk, for as he had backed H]st':.ri.
as heavily as if it had been HUME or SMOLLET, he lost to le. I ;'!
instead of settling made a bolt of it.
Now that the Derby is approaching, I may as well giv,:- yv: r",
opinion of the probable starters. Cambuscan is dropping a bLI i
favour, in consequence of its having been discovered that i"e hlu :,"
hind legs, whereas it was always thought he had four before. I ini.
thought so, mind you, because I never could believe a h;r-.- ..:.ul
have legs like that. Coastguard ought to come in first, b1:...Lu-. I
should be pre-ventive, but I am afraid if any other horse g:t: .,bi. '
of him there is not much chance. Scottish Chief ought to ou.11il,
his competitors if we are to believe that a Highland costur,.: i
light as is represented in pictures, but if there is any rain I'm ill
he will be likely to stick in the clay-more than others. (.-ot.n
Peel is like his namesake, a general favourite, and Copenhagen lb
capital of Denmark, but not what I call capital, while Ely is ratheri
too slippery a card.
After a due consideration of the chances, I am inclined to give'
my tip for the Derby winner
SCOTTISH CHIEF and COASTGUARD,
Or
CAMBUSCAN and GENERAL PEEL,
Or
FIRST FLIGHT and COPENHAGEN,
Or, perhaps,
BIRcH BROOM and HISTORIAN.
If it isn't one of these I should look for the winner among Prrn',
Arthur, Forager, Baragah, Ackworth, Ely, Strafford, Claremont. i
Valiant; or, failing one of these, I should have recourse to the 6,.!
Any one acting on this advice will be sure of having the right hbor
on his list. Further particulars by enclosing an entailed estate an:
three postage-stamps to Yours faithfully,
THE SPECIAL SPORTING MAN.








MAY 7, 1864.] F U N. 81


POETRY AND PROSE.
No. 2.-THE SEA! THE SEA!
POETRY.
KIND reader, should you see a nautical swell,
Whose clothes not of tar but of patchouli smell-
They're but lately sent home by the tailor-
Who swears that his home is the rolling tide,
That his bark -not his BELLA-shall be his bride,
In spite of stern father and all beside,
That's my poetical sailor.
You may know him at once by his sailorly walk,
His language adorned with sailor's talk,
And his confidential predictions
About the weather: "'Twill rain ere noon,"
Or, "from the hazy state of last night's moon,
We shall have a terrible hurricane soon,
Then see if I prophesy fictions."
In the summer months you may meet him at Cowes,
Where he'll tell you the nautical world allows
That the Saucy Fan," with her clipper bows,
Has no match between Land's-end and Dover.
When the yachting's over you'll find him at home,
In some drawing-room at Paris, Florence, or Rome,
Assuring some damsel the billowy foam
Is the home of a bloodthirsty rover."
Kind reader, imagine yourself, if you can,
In the well-furnished cabin of Saucy Fan,"
For her owner has kindly invited
A host of friends for a summer's cruise.
There's FRANK from the Line, and Gus from the Blues,
And a bevy of charmers who'd like to refuse,
But profess themselves "really delighted."
Hurrah! we're off, for our anchor's weighed,
The canvas is spread and all sail is made,
That the Saucy Fan" can carry.
The guests on the quarter-deck laugh and talk,
And whisper soft nothings, as slowly they walk;
While jealous AUGUSTUS determines to baulk
MIss CLARA'S flirtation with HARRY.
But what interrupted that laugh of glee ?
Oh, the "Saucy Fan" has shipped a sea,
And washed poor AUGUSTUS to "looward !"
The gentlemen groan and the ladies shriek,
And their stall-room's sacred privacy seek;
While as soon as drenched AvUGsTUS can speak,
He faintly calls for the steward.
The steward gives AUGUSTUS a glass of punch,
And the owner invites all his friends to lunch,
Provided by FoRTNUM and MASON.
But all are aware that a chicken's breast,
Though washed down by champagne of the very best,
Instead of giving the stomach rest,
Only serves the crisis to hasten.
So after the meal
Each guest 'gan to feel
Nature's urgent demand for a basin.
'Tis a business maxim "demand creates
A supply of basins, or jugs, or plates ;"
And the present instance-oh! cruel fate!-
Proved the rule seldom has an exception.
For those who sat down to lunch or to dine,
And in foaming goblets of sparkling wine
Poured out libations at VENUs's shrine,
Ere long sacrificed to NEPTUNE.
"Put back! put back !" cries the owner brave,
" Or the yawning billows will be the grave
Of the young and fair, the lordly and brave,
That came on this yachting excursion."
And quoth he, aside, "Let the breezes blow
Our yacht to her moorings just of Bordeaux;
Then we'll tell our adventures, and who shall know
If we give an apocryphal version ?
"We'll tell how fiercely the breezes blew,
And praise the Saucy Fan's captain and crew,
But I'll be the chief retailer


Of my own brave deeds; for I always boast
I fear neither tempest nor rock-bound coast;
When my hearers are guests and I am their host,
None will doubt I'm a true British sailor."
PROSE.
In order to satisfy those who yearn
The practical side of the sea to learn,
The bard must take a prosaic turn,
And write of its dangers and duties.
Let-others sing of the "wind that blows,"
Or chant the praise of the ship that goes;"
The reverse of the picture your servant shows,
Its horrors as well as its beauties.
The sea! the sea the deep blue sea!
Who would not wish for a life on thee ?
The grave of the young, and brave, and free;
For asleep neathh the stormy billow
Lie those for whose coming fond mothers wait,
And weep that the noble vessel is late;
And the maiden, but whilom with joy elate,
For some sleeper shall wear the willow.
Oh foaming, tempestuous, boisterous sea,
What deeds of destruction are wrought on thee,
When to dreaded lee-shore with hellish glee,
The storm-fiend pursues some vessel I
As she strikes he cries, Puny mortals, mark
The end of your boasted gallant bark,
That was built with the waves to wrestle."
Oh! peaceful, beautiful, glassy sea,
What scenes of horror are wrought on thee,
When the fire demon lights his torches;
When through the ship rings the cry of Fire !"
When the wreathing flames mount higher and higher,
Till the vessel is one vast funeral pyre,
For the prey that it mockingly scorches.
Oh deceitfully smiling, treacherous sea,
What tales of woe might be told by thee-
Horrors no human eye may see
Or human ears hear a word of!
For, alas oh heaving, mysterious brine,
No tongue can ever portray but thine
The vague extent of that awful line,
Left harbour and never since heard of!
Oh! grandly beautiful, awful sea,
What deeds of daring are wrought on thee,
What acts of heroic devotion,
Surpassing romance of sword or glave,
When the lifeboat speeds on its errand to save
Some shipwrecked crew from a yawning grave,
And to rescue the sons of the ocean I
Oh! fearfully cruel, revengeful sea,
SATURN was not more malignant than thee
When he made a luncheon, or dinner, or tea,
Of one of his sons or daughters!
Though he treated his children like penny buns,
And ate up a dozen daughters or sons,
What thousands of Franks, Goths, Vandals, and Huns,
Are swallowed up by thy waters!
What costly argosies, past all price,
Have been crushed and shattered as in a vice,
And rent and torn by thy cruel ice,
In North or South Polar region!
Till their hardy crews thought a slice of bear
Or a tender seal steak was lordly fare,
For their feast days, like angels' visits, were rare,
And the name of their fast days Legion.
Then be not deceived by the men who boast
" They fear neither tempest nor rock-bound coast;"
And when in their cups everlastingly toast
POLL or SUE, "and wish they could hail her ;"
But let the bard ask for a hearty cheer,
For the sailorly pluck to all Englishmen dear;
And it were not unmanly to shed a tear
O'er the hardships endured by the sailor.


-








82 FUN. [MAY 7, 1864,


S, ,, rrr ..n\ lsT 'PA TTT IS R.TRNTD I


Illustration from a recently discovered Comic Paper, Temp. .
Ed. III. (Brit. as.)


Aitw ci :at l&'o (i> P ti z ejDte?"








A HARDENED SKINNER.
WE were delighted to find in the Souths Eastern Gazette, the other day, the following
report of one of those cases which reflect such undying honour on the admirable adminis-
tration of that embodiment of justice, English statute law, by that compendium of human
wisdom, the unpaid magistracy :-
"An old man, named SILAS SKINNER, about 60 years of age, was charged before the county magistrates at
Rochester with going to sleep in the open air. The accused was observed by police-constable ERPsoN,
100, to go behind a straw stack between four and five o'clock in the morning, and lie down to go to sleep,
when the officer immediately pounced on him and took him into custody. The accused said he had nowhere
to sleep. The it1.v. Mn. MASIInAM, the presiding magistrate, told the prisoner he was' an almost incorrigible
character,' and sentenced him to six weeks' hard labour."
Incorrigible indeed We do not for a moment doubt that a man so hardened in crime
as to dare to have no home, will be capable of the audacity' of sleeping in the open air
again as soon as his term of imprisonment is over. We believe that even such an able
justice of the peace and active minister of the Gospel as the REV.MR. MARSHAM will find it
difficult to break this hoary ruffian of his insolent habit of going to sleep whenever he has
the impertinence to be tired of wandering about in that homeless state, which at once
stamps him as a criminal of the deepest dye. How dare SILAS SKINNER be sixty years
old ? How dare he be homeless ? How dare he be weary ? How dare he go to sleep-
and in the open air too ? Our hair stands on end at the contemplation of this case, and
we suppose that it is due to the recklessness in crime of this sexagenarian reprobate. Will
anybody tell us the name of the REVEREND MR. MARSHAM's parish, because we should
like to sit under him." We feel sure after this display of mercy and charity upon the
bench that we should find infinite comforting in his loving and truly Christian ministration.
We sincerely trust this noble Christian's name will not be soon forgotten, and that this
example of humanity and justice will be widely followed. We also venture to hope that
hero and there among the criminal classes may be found men who will see the error of their
ways, and learn from this to shun the guilt of being old, the sin of being homeless, and the
vice of being weary.

THE PRINCE OF WALES is, it appears, about to introduce a new velvet frock-coat to
supersede the old-fashioned one, as "dress." This may be all very well for evening
costume, but we fancy that, for dinner, there can be nothing half so appropriate as the
"swallow."


" LIVs there man with soul so dead,"
Who never in his life has read
Our FUN?
We don't believe a man you'd find
But who has something in his mind
Of FUN.


Suppose us wrong; if such you
Just take him off to Colney Hal


catch,-
tch,
For FUN.


What puts a fellow at his ease
Among those lovely things, the shes ?
His FUN.
What remedy for indigestion,
Is the best beyond a question ?
Why FUN.
'Tis even said our gracious QUEEN,
To smile was very lately seen
At FUN.
The PRINCE or WALES, our steady friend,
To him we regularly send
Our FUN.
And he most graciously has said
The royal infant shall be fed.
On FUN.
When first the PRINCESS saw our sheet,
She said, Oh, ALBERT, what a treat
I Is Fun !"
For us great politicians send,
They know their interests all depend
On FUN.
DERBY and DIZZY, GLADSTONE, PAM,
Never hold forth without a cram
Of FUN.
But humbler friends than these we own,
How highly prized, is only known
To FUN.
The swart mechanic takes us in,
His honest features all a grin
With FUN.
When work is done, his jovial mind
Knows what enjoyment it shall find
In FUN.
Each Wednesday there is such a rout
All through the land when we bring out
Our FUN.
Now and for ever we engage,
Humour shall flash on every page
Of FUN.
But we must stop-our boy declares
Compositors call out up-stairs
For FUN.
So now another ship we launch,
Knriowing that England's heart is staunch
To FUN.


A Nag and an Egg.
WE extract the following curious story from
a fashionable contemporary:--


'"An Easter egg, made of tissue-paper over largehoops :.
was sent to a lady in Paris-one of the Queens of i:' 'r"
It contained a very valuable horse- all alive and a ,t
It was naturally managed that he should have i": u' .
of his legs, but no more."
Of course the .lady was in eggstasies at It'b
eggstraordinary eggsample of eggstreme -nt- "
rosity. We wonder whether the horse wa:s wbir ,
and had a yoke round its neck ? It wi, "
doubt, hatched in a mare's nest; but it 'r i
nest of eggs in itself, because a French 'ra-o'J
of ours assures us that there were four (i.i.i'."
inside the tissue-paper one.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-s*reet, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-May 7, 1864.


I
1 .

j `

i-



I
li



I''i








FUN.


S3


I MAY 14,



'I ^
:r; MimBu,


Visitors to the Exhibition, 1863. Visitors to the Exhibition, 186C.

The exhibition is a good one ; that is to say, the average figure of
merit" is higher than usual. There are few decidedly sensation"
pictures, but there are many excellent works by unknown artists, and,
we grieve to say, some ridiculous works with famous names attached
to them. Of course the former are all hung out of sight, and of
course the latter are hung on the "line," which, however, has been
somewhat raised this year.
ME. E. J. POYNTER'S "Siren" (509) is a pretty figure, with a deal
of uninteresting rock-work in the background, and a horizon on the
fourth floor. It is principally remarkable for the alternate green and
blue shades which MR. POYNTER has dispersed all over the picture.
The rocks are blue, the water is green, the drapery that protects the
Siren from scratching herself on the uncomfortable periwinkly rock in
the foreground on which she is sitting, is blue, and the young lady's
petticoat is green.
No. 480 is a remarkable picture. It is called, in the catalogue, The
bread of man," and consists of wheatears and poppies. It never
before occurred to us to inquire why it(was that poppies always grow
among wheat, and if it had we should probably have been unable to
answer ourselves, but MR. H. L. RoBasrs's picture suggests both the


1864.]


OUR CRITIC AMONG THE PICTURES.
[:FIRST NOTICE.]:
ON Monday week last we weut to the Royal Academy. As the
hour of our intended visit was not published, our progress down the
Strand was comparatively uninterrupted, and we arrived at the doors
of the Academy in our usual health and spirits. By that time, how-
ever, the fact of our arrival became known, and an immense mob
collected around the entrance. Moreover, an officious policeman
jumped into a Hansom and drove, at his own expense, to the abode of
the head bell-ringer of St. Martin's Church, who, on receiving the infor-
mation that we were paying a visit to the Exhibition, immediately set
to work to ring out Bobs Major Kentish Fire Triplets (or whatever they
are called) in our honour. The compliment was gratifying, but out of
tune; so in pity to the residents in the immediate vicinity, many of
whom are gradually growing imbecile from the dreadful effects of these
horrible bells, we despatched a peer to say that, as our visit was strictly
private, we would dispense with the services of the ringers. A guard
of honour, consisting of an elderly sentry with something on his mind,
was in attendance, but at our special request the usual compliment
was omitted. An elderly gentleman at the entrance appeared to be
9/ 9 extremely anxious to possess some little temporary memento of our
visit, so begged permission to take charge of our umbrella, and gaze
fondly at it until our return. He was a courtly man, and the form
/ he used towards us (and, as we subsequently discovered, towards
others) was as follows:-
COURTLY GENTLEMAN.-Allow me, sir, to take charge of your
umbrella. Thank you, sir. 1 will take great care of it, sir. Do not
fear that I shall lose it-set your mind quite at rest on that point.
This, sir, is a ticket which you will observe I attach to your umbrella,
thus. Here, sir, is another, corresponding in every important respect
with the one so attached. When you wish your umbrella returned to
you, you will be good enough to present the ticket in your possession,
and I shall thus be able to identify without difficulty the umbrella in
question. Ha! ha! it's extremely simple.
As this form was repeated to each individual who proposed to deposit
an umbrella, it is perhaps unnecessary to state that the umbrella-stand
was somewhat crowded.
We ascended the staircase in the usual manner, and our first emotion
SI on entering the west room was astonishment at the thinness of at-
tendance as compared with that of previous years. But our surprise
S was obliterated when we recollected that the thinness of attendance
could be accounted for if we took into consideration the fact that in
. .. \ i 1863 BANTING had not been invented.


VOL. VI.








84 FU [MAY 14,


question and the answer. Poppies grow among the wheat in order to
' throw it up."
There are two awful pictures in the east room, numbered 30 and 92.
They are by a MR. JENsEN, and represent H.R.H. the PRINCE OF
WALES ih the robe of the most exalted order of the Star of India,"
and "H.R.H. the PRINCESS OF WALES in State robes." The Prince
is all tassels, blue silk, swords, red curtains, pillars, and thunder-clouds,
and clearly says, I have been carefully put together, and if I move I
shall come undone, and shan't know how to put myself to rights again,
and what a dreadful thing that would be !" The young lady is repre-
sented, we presume, in Marlborough House, and is pointing to one of
those Brobdignagian crowns and cushions, which one meets with at
every turn in royal palaces, and plainly says, "I've got to wear that
thing one of these days, and I'm afraid I shall look a dreadful guy in
it !" MR. JENSEN may take to himself the credit of having made a
more imbecile portrait of the gentlemanly young Prince, and an uglier
portrait of the pretty young Princess, than any of the nine hundred
and ninety-nine other artists who have selected those exalted personages
as the subjects of their principal Academy pictures this year.
"AHAB and JEZEBEL" (15), by Mn. E. ARMITAGE, is a portrait
of a leg from the shop at the corner of Crane-court, Fleet-street, with
a diminutive body attached. KING AHAB is meditating in the attitude
that kings always assume when they meditate, and that superior
woman JEZEBEL is whispering evil counsels into his ear. She is
reposing on a beautiful tick mattress and pillow, but where is the
pillow-case, MR. ARMITAGE ? Don't say it's at the wash.
MR. ELMORE'S "Excelsior" (424) represents that abominable organ-
grinder with the sensation head of hair, whom we all know so well,
taking an autumnal pleasure trip on the Alps. A suit of scale armour
is, of course, the very thing to scale mountains in, and if there is
one thing likely to prove more useful to the adventurous tourist
than another, it is that flag and maintop-gallant-mast which our young
friend carries in his hand. A gigantic eagle is observed flying away
in abject terror at the dreadful organist's supernatural head of hair.
Ms. WHISTLER has contributed a dreadful picture (No. 593) of a
Chinese potichomaniac. It is appropriately styled "Die lange Lizen,
of the six marks," and everybody will at once see why. She is a
singular young woman, who possesses an original way of sitting down,
which at once recommends her to the notice of persons on the look-
out for novelty.
There, that's enough for our first installment.


DIPLOMATIC AXIOMS BY A PRUSSIAN
TALLEYRAND.
DIPLOMACY is the science which teaches us to tell lies with ease and
elegance combined; consequently, he is the best diplomatist who can
tell most lies, and in the most unblushing manner.
The great end and aim of Prussian diplomacy is the aggrandizement
of Prussia. This is to be accomplished, if possible, by' fair means, par
preference, by foul.
The young diplomatist should never hesitate to give a promise, or
sign a treaty; though none but fools allow themselves to be bound by
such trifles.
Representative institutions are weak-minded fallacies, and the
sagacious minister will easily learn how to snub, insult, disregard, and
treat them generally with the contempt they deserve.
Tox populi vox Del: a ridiculous absurdity. The people, i.e., the
canaille, or all who do not belong to the heaven-born Junker party,
should have no voice at all, except it be to applaud the actions of their
rulers and (consequently) their betters.
Of war: as a general rule this is a great mistake, unless something
is to be gained by it. For this purpose an aggression on a smaller
and weaker State is to be preferred. As an instance, take our present
war with Denmark; in which, under pretence of freeing Schleswig
and Holstein from Danish tyranny, we intend to add two provinces
to our beloved country.
Of alliances: in war they are decidedly useful. If fighting in
concert, the army of the ally should always be thrust forward in cases
where much loss is likely to accrue ; but the careful diplomatist will
always contrive to appropriate to his own nation whatever glory and
results may be achieved by the aforesaid army.


A British Stronghold and a French Laya.
A MONSIEUR ALEXANDRE LAYA proposes to supersede Gibraltar
by a maritime canal across Spain. He won't cut out either his canal
or us so easily as he thinks. The scheme is an expensive one that
will require the "Spanish," ani even then we doubt it's (S)pa'in'. So,
MONSIEUR LAYA, we'll lay a wager you don't do it.


NEW AMjiEICUAN Un.
BT MR. M**T*N F. T*#**R.


(Ans "owed" which we fear will never be paid )
"Mi. CHAsE, aware that he cannot for ever go on borrowing or prior' in "a,.,.
loads of inconvertible Greenbacks per diem, insists that the country im.a ... i.,
to he etentof ,, dollars per annu, o pay its way. This
renting, with gold at par, no leBs than 100,000,000 sterling."--Times' ( .r, ..,....
WELCOME, welcome, faithful CHASE,
The best of all your tribe;
Green laurels shall adorn your race,
In spite of Southern gibe.
You carry LINCOLN through the storm
With pluck ne'er shown before:
Whilst millions through the Exchequer swarm,
You call for millions more.
CHORUS.
Five hundred million dollars,
A hundred million more !
For never did'audacity
Show front so bold before.
Honour, honour, noble CHASE!
The world records thy praise;
Your genius knows nor time nor space,
Except the quarter days.
Icarus-like you skim the air,
On paper wings and wax;
One cure there is for every care-
Impose another tax.
CHRS. n.
Five hundred million dollars, '
A million million more;
Another million add thereto,
And multiply by four i
Lo immortal, sky-born CHASE !
All Wall-street shouts thy name;
And clearly thinks it no disgrace
To be somewhat profane.
Poor merchant princes, in their fear,
Implore your powerful aid;
Conceiving it is very clear
They never will get paid.
CHORUS.
A million, million, million,
For every year that dies;
And no one must presume to ask
SIR CHASE the reason whys."
THY Tercentenary, 0 CHAE !
Will be a day indeed;
A million widows and each face
Adorned with mourning weed !
A million merchants gone to grief,
A million firms to smash,
Will send their ghosts to laud the chief
Who squandered all their cash.
GRAND CHORUS.
Welcome, welcome, FATHER CHASE !
Great hero of the present age!
Stern magician of this year of grace,
FUN gives thee half a page!
If e'er thy head diminished be,
Fleet-street will ope her arms !
A glass-case there shall solace thee
For Wall-street's base alarms.

The Field of Mars, with a Garden attached.
IT is calculated that thirty thousand French troops will irir. ti rin ,'
at the camp at Chalons by the end of June. The vegetal.k irl, L,
are now getting ready," says our informant, "aid measure; --.lu',
of seed)-"are being taken to put all in order." We 4i.:.L i c
wonder if the red-iness were owing to the cultivation .:. .. irz,-.:
runners as a delicate allusion to the troops of lapeifide A .: 'i .
French colonels no doubt take an especial pleasure in iL,:' I "
these runners.

A ROWING RIDDLE.-Why is the mouth of the Thai .: 'k
rowlock ?-Because there's a Nore in it, to be sure.
THE GInL I LovE.-Oyster Patty.


I








FUN.


THE TOUCHING AND PATHETIC
SAM STOUT.


LEGEND OF


SAM STOUT he drove an omnibus
With horses ne'er outdone;
They never melted in the heat,
Though always in a run.
*Se ate and rank enough for six
Between his hourly rides,
And thought it not extravagant
While he had twelve "insides."
But soon his appetite fell off,
And fewer were his draughts;
'For, spite of pll his driving skill,
Love rtisAok !him with his shafts."
'Twas LIUE behl loed-a barmaid.fine,
Who'd oiten ,fillq his glass-
An li~ih gjrl, squat, tat, and plump-
Intait,;aCt tholic "mass."
"~'4! ~,s.TE," he sid, F'be ,pine; you'll find
,Siuoh love'is -eiWre,
And when p i fare yqi l:lpay,
Yet be my Opinstant''fair.' '
She vowed she'd fix liar heart. n him,
But 'twasa wickedflam;
For SAM's conductor's badge she wore,
And onlyibadge~.ed9SAM.
And soon, alas! heflaund herf/0sae,
Which,made his4qpses reel;
So, driving recklessitlhough his woe,
He cared not forhis wheel.
"False girl," he cried, "no more you'll fil
My glass with smiles and titters;
My thoughts, if now I drank your gin,
Would make it gin-and-bitters.
"Ah KATE, when at St. Paul's you look
You'll think of one with gloom,
Who once 'stood' there as stoutly built
And with as dark a doom.
"For I'm resolved lo die, and quit
The ills this life bestows,
And leave my omnibus to gee
Without me and my woes."
So he got into an empty butt,
And, closing up the end,
Felt grateful for its friendly aid,
Though but a hollow friend.
The brewers came to take him off,
And thought stale beer they'd there;
But, ah stout's load of grief was more
Than porter e'er could bear.
They rolled him then along the kerb,
And knew not, simple souls,
How much he'd rather starved in peace
Than had so many rolls.
Says he, In vain to summon me
Informers long combined,
But now these brewers think me beer,
I shall be surely 'fined.'
"I gasp and can no longer breathe,
But die a cruel death;
For though these horses draw this dray,
They cannot draw my breath.
"False gal," he cried, "though you may think
I sham this dying state,
You'll find at last my smothered end
Is quantum suff- 0 KATE !"

THE WIFE's DOMAIN.-Home.
JUST THE REVERSE.-LADY PALMERSTON'S party, at Cambridge
House, has been put off for a week, on account of the Premier's
illness. There has been another party," at Grosvenor-gate, put off-
sine die-on account of the Premier's health and "strength !"


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCITHAD.
SMITII.-What a fine example of humanity tile civilized Germans
are setting in Jutland !
BROWN.-Yes; and isn't it a cheap way of proceeding, making war
support war ?
1 SMITH.---But suppose the same principle should be tried with the
Prussians themselves. I wonder if it would meet with equal ap.
preciation.
,Bowo .-Oh! dear, no; in that case the principle is entirely
difi'rnt. You see, robbing helpless Danes of their property is legiti-
pate warfare; but retributt in kind on offending Prussians would
be uncivilized plundering of the very basest description.
SMITK.-What is the Channel 'leet in the Downs for P Do you
think it means war ?
BsCo;W~.-Certainly pot; it is qply ;EaL RUssELL practising.
.Sirrca.-Practising ,what ?
paIow.-Why, on the.p' ienoe ,f the ~English nation, to be sure.
SMLTH..--f they should get the Q~ty of New York off Daunt's
iRock, What.a capital vessel itp ^l ,prove her.
iBYTNW.--Wliy so ?
Si1NI.--Because, despite .the Oanggrus position she hae been in,
4she will still be un-daunt-ed.
,g Oyxv.--How the POPE in his recent allocution walked into the
l @i^.qa OF RussIA about Poland.
S*. --Yes, that poor old p~an seems always to be fishing in
que4 waters, and never gets anything by it.
NpyW.-Oh, I beg your pardon.
lng.-What then P
Bowi~.--Why he invariably gets-snubbed for his pains.

THE C RETWG EVIL.
BY A. IDWLLER IN A QUIET" STREET.
I'M a man of a sensitive organization,
A terrible martyr to sensitive nerves;
Each sound that I hear is a sad aggravation
Of evils that surely no mortal deserves.
I wake in the morning, with dreams quickly scattered
By shrieks from the vendors of something to sell,
Whose tones pierce my ear, whilst my system is shattered
By raps at street knocker and ringing at bell.
The poets may talk about May as the season
When Nature assumes her most charming attire;
But the month I regard with dismay, for the reason
That then all street-sellers together conspire,
Combining their voices in one hideous yelling,
Each street is a Babel the whole of the day;
You are equally puzzled to know what they're selling,
And bothered to find out the words that they say.
Must the man who sells greens" have the voice of a Stentor ?
Must he who vends "mack-rel" split every one's ears ?
Must the girl who cries "creases" become your tormentor ?
Must she who screams "wall-flow'rs" move you to tears P
Give me back the brass bands with their discord and clamour,
The organs and boy playing tin flageolets;
But don't on my nerves so persistently hammer,
With cries for a custom which nobody gets.

NOT AT ALL A BAD NOTION.
COMPLAINTS having been made of the rapid consumption of bishops
at the West Coast of Africa, so much so that latterly the commercial
axiom of supply, always equalling demand, has been completely falsified
as regards the episcopal article, it has been determined to appoint a
black man to a see in that paradise of death. Despite the fact that
the sable prelate will probably stand the climate better than his white
brethren, this appointment has a difficulty for which we can find no
solution. How can the bishop, considering his complexion, be within
the pale of the Church ?

Naval Intelligence.
WE have had a furious letter from a half-pay captain, who begs to
protest against the claim made by a naval officer to a new invention
now under course of trial at Chatham. Our correspondent assures us
that the lady in whose house lie boards had long ago discovered the
principle of the double screw."


1


____


My 14, 1864s.]







86 FUN. [MAY 14, 1864.


SHAKESPEARE'S OAK.
Cad:-" BEG PARDON, SIR, NO OFFENCE, WHICH IS HIM, SIR?"
Party :-" HIM-wHo "
Cad:-" SHAKESPEARE, SIR."


GRATITUDE, THY NAME IS CARTER!
THOSE civic dignitaries will be the death of us some day. Accus-
tomed as we are to laughing-and our readers may imagine we have
had some exercise in that peculiar line-the LORD MAYOR'S speech at
the anniversary banquet of the Royal Academy was almost too much
for us. Hear the ruler of the city of London :-
SIn CHARLES EASTLAKE, my Lards and Gentlemen,-It is one of the most grati-
fying circumstances connected with the mayoralty of this city, the chief magistrate
of the city of London, that through the kindness and courtesy of the President
and Council of the Royal Academy, he has the opportunity of attending this most
delightful meeting, where his health is drunk in presence of the most distinguished
in theland."
What a proper appreciation of the condescension displayed towards
him! What gratitude for the same the Mansion House magnate testi-
fies To think of all these great, learned,and clever gentlemen drinking
his health! Wasn't it kind? And how humbly thankful he is.
Upon our comic words, it is really touching. The LORD MAYOR was
evidently astonished at finding himself in Trafalgar-square, and still
more so at having his health drank. Nor was that the only honour
thrust upon him. Was not his portrait hanging on the walls where
all the world, for the small charge of one shilling, can see the civic
sovereign's countenance ? Really we cannot help pitying the vulgar
wretches who dared to come between the wind and the LORD MAYOR'S
nobility at the Mansion House on the next day.

CHANCE OR DEsIGN.-A bookseller, a few days ago, made the
following entry in a lady's account:-" The Englishwoman's Magger-
zine."
PEDIGREE OF THE MISANTHROPE.-Out of Society, by Incli-
nation.
THE DRESS FOR OUR ARTILLERYMEN.-"Shell jackets" and
" percussion caps."


A NATIONAL MELODY.
To A MOORE-ISH AIR.
LET England remember the days of old,
Ere EARL RUSSELL'S pen betrayed her,
When, marry, she ne'er let her choler grow cold,
'Gainst a tyrant or an invader.
When full often her banner was seen unfurled,
If e'er liberty seemed in danger;
When she stood for freeddm'gainst all the world,
Nor sang small to the crow of a stranger.
With loftier rank that official now stays,
In a queer, cool way, declining
To treat with the powers as in other days,
For fear of his getting a shine in.
Yet shall memory oft, while we crawl in slime,
Turn a glance to our fame that is over;
And sighing, think of that happier time
Ere our country with shame he did cover.

NATURAL HISTORY.
THERE is no official information on a subject to which several of
our correspondents have drawn our attention, but we have consulted a
judicious hookah, and he says that in the course of his angling ex.
perience he never found that the fish in the lake of Geneva had
Vevey fins.
GARIBALDI'S HYMN.-Nonsense! Speak grammatically, and say
GARIBALDI'S He.
A POSTHUMOUS CHILD.-Appreciation !
QUESTION FOR THE BENCH OF BISHOPS.-Are ecclesiastical
edifices built of Ru-brics ?


E- :,






FT'UN.-MAY 14, 1864.


F- I.
/ "^C


7F~----


THE TWO BUTCHERS.
Prussia :-"OH, I DON'T WANT ANY ARMISTICE. OH! OH! BOOH I"
Austria :-OH OH MORE DO I. I AIN'T HAD ANY GLORY! BOOH! !"









MAY 14, 1864.]


FUN.


jInn in rliai mtnt.
---+-- -
HOUSE OF LORDS.-MONDAY, MAY 2ND.
ANOTHER instance of a five-and-twenty minutes' sitting. The
avoidance of the round half-hour seems a peculiarity of noble lords,
and leads one to the inference that they regard such period as in-
volving some terrible cabala.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
SIR J. ELPHINSTONE asked if EARL RUSSELL had worked up
enough pluck to express any opinion upon that forged despatch, the
character of which M E. SEWAD felt bound to communicate" some
three months after its appearance. MR. LA.YAD looked unhappy. He
said "No, we have not thought it necessary." Fact is," whispered
LAYARD to us, "I do all I can to rouse up our small man (be it re-
membered I use the expression psychologically) but, bless you, he
does take such oceans of kicking-I think his amiability increases every
day. He won't let me teach him diplomacy. Of course I coach him
up in grammar, but that only makes matters worse."
SIR J. PAKINGTON asked if the Channel Fleet were in the Downs;
and when LORD C. PAGET said "Yes," the British heart found vent
in a mighty cheer. "But what of that ?" says the EARL OF THE
FLABBY MIND; I shan't let 'em sail-I've promised BEUST. Who
knows but what I may get a German ribbon some day ?"
Mn. J. B. SMITH, who spoke as if he knew what he was talking
about, did not see why sugar should be wrapped up in the old protec-
tion rag. MR. SMITH would like to hear the opinions of the right
honourable member for Ashton, who had of late become so remarkable
for being quiet. MR. SMITH remembered him as a very restless watch-
dog. How Protean is the senatorial aspect! Earnest the "man of the
people" in his denunciations of ministerial corruption; scathing his
criticism on cabinet finance. Terrific the swing of the arm Even the
coat has a way of getting into philanthropic creases, indicative of efforts
for the million. There is a democratic limpness about the shirt-collar,
a republican twist about the necktie, but there is a remedy for these
dangerous indications. Behold! he hath swallowed the lollipop of
office. Dost know the man ? Several speakers agreed with the views
of MR. SMITH, but the CHANCELLOR convinced the House that his
own way was the best, and so sugar must go up and down as before.
On Naval Estimates, honourable members seemed to think that we
indulged in the luxury of paying the very best price for the very
worst article, and ME. LINDSAY, with others, was very irate at those
little postscript bills which always come sneaking after the account in
chief. They remind one of those hotels who profess to charge you
a fixed sum for attendance, but there's always a waiter and a chamber-
maid loitering about, for whom it is fully understood you must
indulge in largesse. LORD C. PAGET, who is one of the hardest
workers in the Ministry, gave, as is his wont, a very elaborate state-
ment. LORD CLARENCE is a useful and conscientious man-he must
be a perfect horror to those excrescences with whom he is connected,
for whom England is called upon to provide salaries. Touching the
debate itself though, it seems rather queer that two clever admirals
should know nothing about the Malta dockyard accommodation, while
two commissioners, who knew the DUKE OF SOMERSET'S views, which
were not the views of the aforesaid admirals, report as he desired.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TUEsDAY.
What an easy time of it the lords have. Quarter of an hour in
this case.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
MB. COBDEN gave notice that, as he liked'non-intervention in
American matters, so did he approve the same in China, and should
move to the effect that we do not any longer meddle in that quarter.
But what should we do without giving some proof of valour ? Now-
a-days England squares up wonderfully at small boys. Under the
guidance of EARL RUSSELL she is becoming the SNODGRASS of
nations. What has become of PAM ? He is sadly, sadly changed.
Or is the brave old boy strangled by his colleagues ? or what beside ?
ME. D. GRIFFITH asked if the Austrian ships were in the Downs ?
LORD C. PAGET answered that they were, but they had promised to
do nothing rascally. We should watch them, &c., &c. Yes, and
move after them when another Sinope had been enacted in Danish
waters. And then we shall have the EARL OF THE FLABBY MIND
drawling out his astonishment.
MR. W. EWART moved for a select committee on the punishment
of death. MR. DENMAN, in seconding the motion, did so in
a speech of logical power. LORD H. LENNOX showed up another of
the British Barnacles-the incapable SIR GEORGE GREY. MR.
MITFORD spoke of public executions as an utter mistake, and we
believe he echoes the opinion of England. He spoke of the Lords'


Committee, and gave the names. Among them woro to be
found the MA RQIS OF LANSDOWNE, LORD BROUGoIAM, the
BISHOP oF OXFORD, LORD ST. LEONARDS, &C., and these little men
had argued the discontinuance; but SIR GEORioE GREY was HOMEl
SECRETARY, and this great man ignored the report. And thus it is
in nine cases out of ten. If the report of a select committee pleases
the Ministry in power, well and good; if not, it must be snubbed.
Mn. NEATE moved for a commission, and this was about the most
sensible proposal of all. SIR GEORGE GREY spoke as SIR GEORGE
GREY, and that is the very similitude of twaddle. Mn. BRIGHT was
eloquent, but overstated his oase. toEBucK was in a bad temper-
would support the motion, yet would abuse the arguments in its
favour.
MR. BAss wanted further legislature on street music. Let us hope
for better days, and, when something is really done, lot us crown Mn.
BABRAGE with a laurel wreath, build him a house floored with
impounded organs, and let the pillars be of brass, moulded from the
spoil of cornet and trombone. In the progress of MR. S('lOLE.IE LD'S
Partnership Bill, MBn. BEIGIHT'S keen sense detected a (lodge of Mn.
BARING'S, which, by altering a word, would virtually upset
Mn. SCHOLEFIELD'S measure. BARING had flattered himself that
his little sneak would crawl in at the window to commit burglary, but
POLICEMAN BRIGIIT caught him by the legs just as he was creeping
through a hole in the shutter.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.-WEDNESDAY.
Mn. D. GRIFFITH would, on a future day, call attention to the
permission given to the Austrian squadron, whereby they take up a
position favourable to an attack on Denmark. There is something
very dark about the whole of the Danish business, and come from
whence the mischief may, England will, before long, bring the offenders
to justice. When we speak of England, we mean the people, to whom
it would be an insult if connected by such a title to the present
administration of foreign affairs.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.--TIIRSDAY.
Many cricket clubs are bowling furiously at the Government for
parcelling out an extra good piece of Battersoa Park for the Civil
Service Cricketers. Poor COWPEn made the usual exhibition of him-
self in the reply to MR. AYRTON, and was good enough to inform the
House in a most oracular style, that cricket required an open space.
At present there looks something of the hole and corner about the
business.
Touching the Conference, SIR GEORGE GREY, in answer to Mn.
DISRAELI, said that it was not intended to say anything about the
doings threat. By the way, RUSSELL was on Wednesday savagely
kicked under the table by BEUST, but he (RUSSELL) bore it like a
lamb, as he is.
In army estimates COLONEL KNOX had sufficient snobbery to sneer
at the enormous sum of 300,000 for volunteers. COLONEL KNOX
went in for the Yeomanry, who were a glorious bulwark of the land.
MR. H. BERKELEY thought the volunteers wonderfully cheap at
300,000. What thinks the country ? Must be trying to the KNox
order when they discover that real soldiers can be turned out for less
than 2 a head per annum.
HOUSE OF LOIDS.-FnIDAY.
The LOED CHANCELLOR presented a bill which should, among
other advantages, tend to prevent a publican from allowing a poor
customer to run up scores with the subsequent pleasure of imprison-
ment for debt.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
Humbug from SIR GEORGE GREY in answer to MR. NE WDEGATE
on the Conference. Humbug from that same Barnacle touching the
Austrian fleet; ditto from LORD C. PAGET, who had been ordered by
the DUKE OF SOMERSET to know nothing. The figure cut by SIR
GEORGE GREY in answer to MR. D. GRIFFITH, who inquired as to
the movements of the Aurora, was truly pitiable. The storms of dis-
grace thicken about the heads of the ministry. Equivocation is
about the highest capacity they evince on all questions of foreign
affairs. There is something very ominous too in the continual absence
from the House of the only member of the Cabinet to whom England
looks for aid.
It was a pleasant relief to the cold-blooded indifference of the
Treasury Bench towards Denmark to hear the out-spoken declaration
of England's sympathy with Denmark from the lips of Lonu lt. CECIL.
The ringing cheers which greeted that appeal to the Ilouse must,
when reported to the EARL OF THE FLABBY MIND, have caused his
flabbiness to quiver miserably. JOHNNY, England waits and suffers
long, but she will not always endure the house of Bedford. Cling to
the ship of office, JoHNNY, like a strong barnacle as you are. This is
your last appearance.







[MY 14, 1864


FU N.


TOWN TALK
By THi LUNCHEB AT THE PUBS.
E have a really capital Aca-
best I can remember for
sk of Engdeny this year-- one of the
years. It seems the burst of
popular indignation a year
ago was not thrown away.
At all events the hangers
have done better than usual.
Poor SIR EDWIN LAND-
SEER has had his time so
dreadfully taken up by the
NELSON lions that he has
only been able to send four
pictures, but they are all
very good. LEIGHTON is
of course good, and HART
and WARD of course bad.
But STANFIELD and CREs-
WiCK are in full force.
SANT has some lovely
children on the walls, and
so has MILLAIs. HOOK
is very fine, though he has
left the sea for the land;
and the LINNELLs and
VICAT COLE fully sustain
their reputations. I sup-
Spose next year's Exhibition
Swill be under the new
regime, when I hope, for
the sake of English art, that many of the names I quote will have the
R.A. attached, which they lack now. It would be also a step towards
benefiting art if the R.A. could be taken away from some of those I
have mentioned, but that is too much to hope.
WHo said SOTHERN was not likely to be able to act anything but
DUNDREARY ? I have always prophesied that he possessed high
talents that would soon find a fitting development. In GARRICK, I
think, he has found this. It is well written, full of good points, and
showing a diversity of qualities which displays his grasp of character
to great advantage. I should think the new comedy likely to run.
TnE Northerners are getting the worst of it again, and at last there
appears some chance of a beginning of the end. A proposal for a
recognition of the South has been listened to, and that is a mighty
advance towards peace, for any such notion would have been scouted
-not without violence-a little while ago. I shall be glad to hear of
the gallant little South being able to hold its own. The only blot on
its escutcheon, slavery, is virtually dead now, so there is no reason to
regret that the Spartan courage of the South is rewarded.
THE latest novelty in fashions is the wearing of tail-coats by
the ladies. They seem bent on depriving us of our rights, and I
don't think they would be content with assuming the coats only, and
would go further were it not that they cannot give up the beloved
crinoline. I hope since they have taken to tails they will have prac-
ticable pockets in them. There is nothing to my mind more ridiculous
than to see what one so often sees, a young lady carrying her fan,
handkerchief, scent-bottle, etc., etc., in her hand, because the pockets
of her dress are only made for show, and will hold nothing bigger
than a thimble.
THE curtain falls on a tragi-comedy. WINDHAM, whose wife has
just presented him with a son and heir, is a bankrupt. So ends a
disgraceful story, but the indignation I feel is not so much directed
against the half-witted prodigal himself, but the parasites who fed on
him and ruined him. I suppose we shall find him driving a Hansom
cab before long.
THE poor Danes One by one their strongholds are slipping from
them, and the overwhelming tide of their enemies rolls nearer and
nearer. Frederica is abandoned, Duppel has fallen, the Dannewerke
exists no longer; and meantime the Conference is dallying with red
tape, nibbling quills, and exchanging compliments. Oh, England,
England! to what a low ebb are your fortunes sunk! Once on a
time you were a terror to the despot, the beacon of the oppressed-
now the hand that grasped the sword hugs the money-bag, and the
Ledger is the book of Etiquette. This growing of the olive is of
course very respectable, but the plant might as well be watered with
blood at once as with the tears of the widow and the fatherless-as it
is now. I confess that I am ashamed of the national hypocrisy which
accepts in such a self-satisfied manner the congratulation and praises
of GARIBALDI. We, "the friends of liberty," "the champions of


freedom," "the pioneers of progress!" Pshaw! We might have
been once upon a time. Now we have retired into business, and given
up our honourable post in the van of the world's march. I wonder
we are not ashamed to look GARTBALDI in the face.

SILENT PAUPERS; OR, STARVED TO DEATH.*
A SOCIAL PROBLEM.
DREARILY oft in print we've seen,
Living and dying in Bethnal-green,
Paupers feeble, and wan, and old,
Dying of hunger, and dirt, and cold :
Skimming the paper we've turned away
To the last critique of the last new play,
Leaving, too Levite-like, the rest
To the jurymen at the coroner's 'quest.
Why did she starve with a workhouse nigh ?
She might have crawled in there to die;
Guardians plump they may make a stir,
And sneer at the pauper pride" of her,
Who, while their joints they daily carved,
Lay in her blanketless bed and starved !
Say, but to see her, came there none
To seek and to save her ? No, not one!
She had half a quarter of bread a week,
And but one day's work, till her wrinkled cheek
Like that of a corpse long since it grew;
And in one small room there dwelt the two,
ELIZABETH BENDALL and the friend
Who starved on with her until the end;
When CATHERINE WILLS saw with a groan,
On earth she henceforth might starve alone.
Oh, God! a terrible tale is here,
To dim with a strange, unwonted tear
The cheek of the hardest man of us,
Near whom God's creatures are starving thus.
On many a grievance we all expend
Our time and temper; reports are penned
'Bout benighted heathens at Timbuctoo,
While here at our doors lies work to do.
Granted this stubborn pauper died
In the wilfulness of her starving pride;
Granted she daily might have got
A meal in the workhouse, yet chose it not;
Say, can there never be found a cure
To meet the case of such silent poor ?
Can no reformer a method guess
To save them, spite of their wilfulness ?
Vainly we'll boast if no cure be found
Of legislation on English ground:
Here is a canker-here a flaw
In the heart of our land's belauded law;
Officials we've plenty, and parsons too,
And money to pay for the work they do,
And parish guardians, yet who had seen,
Till too late, that pauper of Bethnal-green ?
Up and be stirring, an' ye please,
Parochial magnates, and keen M.P.'s!
Common, alas! are like tales to-day,
But where you've a will, God shows a way;
Knotty the problem to the wise,
Who shall spell it out with tear-dimmed eyes;
Oh save, spite themselves, with outstretched hand,
Such silent paupers within our land!

THE CONFERENCE.-We must not be too hard upon the Prussians
for the obstacles they have thrown in the way of the Conference and
its proper working; but, with our usual liberality, "make allowances
for the Germans."
HOOK AND EYE.-When you eye danger," the sooner you "hook
it," as well, the better."
PISCATORIAL.-" Will you go fishing for Jack, at Teddington,
next week" said one friend to another, a few days ago. "No," said
the individual addressed; let Jack at Teddingtonfish for himself."
S* An inquest was lately held on the body of ELIZABETH BEXDALL, a widow, aged
73, who died in Bethnal-green of starvation, as above stated.








FUN.


AT THE PLAY.
\ SSHAKESPEARE did not happen to
live in the days when authors of
successful pieces were called on
before the footlights to respond to
the clamorous applause of delighted
audiences,it is notunlikely the very
little we know of his personal ap-
pearance may be ascribed to this
cause. To the groundlings of the
S old Globe the dramatist must have
been a mere myth. To the fre-
S quenters of the old Blackfriars the
o writer of Hamlet was a physical
l possibility, but otherwise a meta-
physical abstraction. Whether he
was short and squinted, had red
hair and a snub nose, or possessed
a face and figure framed to make
women false," was never made
known, as it is in our time, im-
-- L mediately on the fall of the curtain.
With SHAKESPEARE waiting at
the wing to comply at the conclu-
sion of the play with the modern complimentary summons, we should
have had the amplest testimony from contemporaries to decide the
resemblance of the portraits discovered after his decease, and thus the
noa.maeessity of volumes of discussion on the subject would have
spared the patience of future generations of readers. On the chance
of some present playwright having the tercentenary of his birth
celebrated hereafter at London-upon-Thames, or Newington-on-New-
River, the enthusiastic British public may be suffered to go on their
way applauding and so having paid their money to see what a man
has written, let them still insist on having the man himself pushed on
from the prompter's box as part of the show, and whilst he is blandly
blushing and nervously nodding before the company, let them take
advantage of the opportunity to have a good stare at the successful
soribblt, that future ages> if need be, may not be altogether left de-
pendent on the art of the photographer.
Of the :new comedy called David -arrick, just produced at the
Haymarket to exhibit MR. SOTHERN out of the character of our
famous-English RoscIus, we should especially have liked to have seen
thethor-adapter. That he was not called on to receive the acknow-
ledgments of the audience for having totally departed, from all that
is known of GARBIK'S life, is a regret that can hardly be too mourn-
fully expressed. Surely his face would have appeared crimson on the
occasion. One would like to have learned what manner of man it
was who had dared to make GARRBIC the hero of adventures which
even the not over scrupulous French author had hesitated to ascribe
to the English actor. What brazen buttons must he have worn on
his coat as symbols of impudence What unbounded assurance must
he have betrayed in his features if he stood unabashed before that
vast assemblage who knew th e desperate outrage he had committed
on the Thespian Dictionary of Biography! Nothing in his life
would have become him like the leaving of GARReICK' alone. That he
has made the piece interesting, and associated a good plot with spark-
ling dialogue, must be considered only an aggravation of his original
offence. People will be misled the more easily into a belief in that inci-
dent which-vide playbill-" it is said occurred to GA.RIICK, which (!)
has no pretensions to biographical accuracy." It is hard to believe that
GAnuICK made-vide play-three thousand a year in his first Drury
Lane season; harder to credit that he could have degraded his art
by simulating drunkenness in the house of a merchant that he
knew despised his profession; but hardest of all to forget the circum-
stances of his real marriage and accept the spurious version of his
wooings as a truthful chapter in his life's history. Let the play be
called Johns Tompkins, or Alphonso Belville, and objection vanishes,
but-shade of JOHNsON !-it is too bad to change the course of a real
actor's career by making GAERRIC at five-and-twenty wed the heiress
of a rich East India director. Let us, even on the stage, stick to
truth, and be able to take our DAVY off it.
MR. SOTHEBI comparatively, looks more like GOLIATH than DAVID,
and five hundred nights of DUNDREARYISM have neither prepared
himself nor his audience for the sudden assumption of a serious em-
bodiment. Nevertheless, he must be heartily congratulated on having
at last freed himself from the trammels of a part which would soon have
rendered him unfit to take any other, and the talent he evinces in
this will certainly make the public assured of his capacity for a more
comprehensive range of character. As the piece includes a charming
young actress in Miss NELLY MOORE, and two deserving old favour-


ites in MR. BUCKSTONE and MR. CHIPPENDALE, An. T. W.
ROBERTSON might have been deservedly called on and applauded-
after all.
The graceful ease with which Mn. CHARLES M-ATHEWS slips a
dinner-plate into his pocket whilst representing the oblivious
GATHERWOOL at the St.James's in the revived farce of Out of iight out
of Mind, is a thing for young actors to go and see and study. It is a
slight incident in a slight piece, but the spectator feels that the
comedian who can execute that movement in such a finished manner
fully merits the reputation of being the most accomplished actor on
the stage. TUn ODD MAN.

THE OLD MAID'S THERMOMETER.
Age.
15. Gets perfectly disgusted with the nursery, and makes her entrance
into civilized society.
16. Begins to have some idea of the tender passion, and feels the pricks
from Cupid's dart.
17. Talks of disinterested affection, and has a strong inclination for
gaiety and amusement.
18. Fancies herself in love if she happens to be flattered.
19. She is a little more conceited in consequence of having been
flattered.
20. Commences the fashionable, and dashes.
21. Still confident in her attractions; expects a brilliant offer.
22. Refuses a good offer because he is not a man of fashion, her motto
being Excelsior."
23. Flirts with every man she meets with.
24. Begins to wonder why she is not married, but her motto is Nil
desperandumm."
25. Rather more circumspect in her conduct; wears her ring on the
forefinger of her right hand.
26. Thinks a large fortune not quite so indispensable.
27. Composes poetry, and most decidedly prefers the conversation of
rational men to flirting.
28. Wishes to be married in a quiet sort of way with a snug income.
29. Almost despairs of entering the married state, but still hopes on,
her motto being, Dum spiro, spero."
80. Bather afraid of being called an old maid.
31. A greater love of dress, with the addition of a lap-dog, which is her
sole joy.
32. Affects good humour in her conversation with the male sex.
33. Affects good humour in her conversation with the malo sex.
34. Wonders how men can leave the company of sensible women to
flirt with chits.
35. Very jealous of the praises of other women; ill-nature sets in.
36. Thinks herself slighted in society, and resigns herself up with
Christian resignation and fortitude to training the young idea
at the Sunday-school.
37. Jealousy and ill-nature increases; scandal begins.
38. Turns district visitor, and gives away tracts.
39. Not having the felicity of being in the married state herself, finds
the greatest consolation in talking of her acquaintances who
are unhappily married.
40. Gets more ill-natured and disagreeable; very officious and fickle.
41. As a last resource makes love to a young man with a small
income; but,
42. Not succeeding, rails against the male sex.
43. Partiality for cards and scandal increases.
44. Very severe against the manners of the ago.
45. Takes great interest in all parish matters; strong predilection for
the parson.
46. Enraged at his desertion,
47. Becomes very desponding; takes to elder wine and snuff.
48. Turns all her remaining sensibility to maimed animals of every
description.
49. Talks of the offers she has had, and rejoices in every bit of scandal
she hears; rails against everybody in general.
50. At this period she is not more disgusted with the world, than the
world is with her. Not being at all partial to old maids, 1 have
not interested myself sufficiently to know what they do after
fifty, but having had the pleasure of watching the process from
living models to the above average, I can safely say it is quite
correct.

AN EGG-SIIELL-ENT JOKE.
SIMPLE SIMON writes to ask whether sailors got their seal-eggs in
the same way as they get turtle's eggs ? What a want of information
-dira egg-jestas! We beg to inform this wight and yokel that, as
regards the sailors procuring sea-legs, all we can say is, Walker."


__


MAYY 141,1864,]








fUr ... 1A 1QP A I


FU4 ~.


ONE FOR HIS NOB.
Hobbledehoy:-" I SAY, Mn. BRowN, AIN'T IT UM ? MY BROTHER WEIGHS 'ARF A STUN HEAVIERR THAN ME, AND I'M A 'EAD
TALLER THAN 'IM. AIN'T IT RUM ? "
fr. Browtn:-"NoT A BIT; IT ONLY 8HOWS HOW VERY LIGHT THAT HEAD MUST BE!"


BEWICKE v.BE WICKED.
THERE lived a Briton, somewhat rash,
At home in Threepwood Hall;
For law he did not care one -- dash,
For lawyers not at all !
He lost a suit, but at its close
He vowed no costs to pay;
Alas his vows grew into woes,
In terrible array.
For legal lambs who'd "crack a crib,"
Or levy, serve a writ,
Or "patter flash" with accent glib,
Or p'r'aps a weasand slit,"
On finding that their vinous plot
Was baulked, to whine began;
And hatched a tale about a shot,
As only scoundrels can.
Despising buncome," wigs, and gowns
(The locusts of this land),
Despite the legal sneers and frowns,
This Briton took his stand
On truth alone; alas, in vain !
For perjury and crime
His health destroy by grief and pain,
And scandal's horrid slime.
But retribution came at last-
The villains disagree;
And when a weary year has passed,
He's ruined and set free.


House, lands, and pictures, all are gone!
When crushed in mind and health,
He'spardon'd for a crime he'd scorn,
And stripped of all his wealth.
Will Britons have his claims denied ?
Shall BERKELEY'S noble zeal,
By legal clique repulsed, defied,
Shook Britain's commonweal ?
No let each honest tongue cry No !
And, hand in hand with FUN,
Let Britons by their actions show
Such wrong shall ne'er be done.

Hoot awa, ManI
A NATIVE of the Isle of Man-in short, a Man-iac-has called at
the office several times lately, but refused to state his business. It
being suspected from his Man-ner that he was not quite right in his
head we had him examined by Dr. de Lunatico, of Shirley Hall. It
turns out that the poor creature only wished to ask us if we did not
think the House of Keys ought to be elected by the City Wards. By
the time we learnt his horrible purpose he had bolted beyond our reach,
and locky for him, or we'might have shot the bolter.
A HUE-MOROUS IDEA.
THE last new fashionable thing in colours at Paris is called
"Havannah tobacco," and is much worn by the ladies. Of course it
is a-light brown, and if properly made up, ought to draw well.
WHEN IS A WOMAN LIKE A WATCH ?-When she is capp'd and
jewelled.


Prilted by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-May 14, 1864.


;rFUN.


I


L"i f IT U t








FUN.


AT THE PLAY.
DELINA PATTI has returned
to her disconsolate public, and
Small is forgiven. Some petty
pity PATTI might have moved
S in the hearts of her admirers
that ought to have spared her
the treble encores consequent
on her delicious rendering of
ROSsINI's music in RosINA's
singing lesson; but a British
audience would smother their
favourite with bouquets in the
excess of their enthusiasm,
and in Il Barbiere di Siviglia
it is truly not easy to see how
PATTI can be spared at all.
MR. GYE is this year treating
Ships subscribers with even more
Than his usual liberality, and
so attractive has he rendered
Sthe Italian Opera this season
that the extension of the three
nights to four but scantily
suffices to meet the demand
Sfor places. What with the
\ .Huguenots, Roberto II Diavolo
S -in which HERR SCHMID
S comes out, like murder, with
a "most miraculous organ "-the never-tiring sonnambula, and the
people's new favourite, Faust, which everybody, hesitatingly, admires,
if we may judge by the general humming and Ah !-ing there has been
about it-the programme is prodigal of delight. Falstafq, at Her
Majesty's, good as the opera is, fails to attract the fashionable world
like the strong staff which MR. GYE has retained on his establishment.
This magnificent theatre, so exquisitely adapted to the conveyance
of sound, has one particular nook-the knowledge of which shall be
kept as scrupulously concealed as the amount of the National
SHAKESPEARE subscription-where not only every note of the music
may be heard to perfection, but where even the most subdued whisper
uttered on the grand tier reaches the reluctantly listening ear. The
other evening I became, in this way, the unwilling confidant of a pair
of lovers who had a box to themselves, and fancied-deluded innocents
-that their play-billing and cooing had been indulged in with the
strictest privacy. I have here heard quizzical comments, popping of
momentous questions, and secrets of diplomacy divulged that would
throw all society into a state of fermentation if I were to reveal the
mysteries of that wondrous stall which has the benefit of these
acoustic privileges. I am even now helplessly walking about, the en-
forced recipient of private information, which would affect the peace of
all Belgravia. I have been made the unwilling sharer of solemn secrets
that I am in constant dread of unintentionally divulging. No new-
made Freemason was ever in such bodily fear and trepidation of saying
something he ought not. I could tell why GARIBALDI went away;
who can settle the Danish difficulty; what really made MR. BANTING
thinner; and where all the pins go to. But though even Junius is to
me no longer a mystery, these profound problems shall still be left to
perplex a puzzling world, and not even the greatest bribe the richest
can bestow-not the choice of the highest position above my fellows--
not even the offer of the editorship of FUN, shall purchase the
secrets of that opera stall. Whoever would learn the exact spot must
seek the dangerous knowledge for himself. By taking each in turn,
and when the particular one is found, sitting at a right angle with the
third pendant of the fifth lustre above, there may be a fortunate dis-
covery made at last. In the meantime, when a place is secured at the
Italian Opera, let the visitor be assured he will always get for his
reward-something worth hearing. THE ODD MAN.


A THOUGHT.
BY AN OBESE TERCENTENARIAN.
WHEN HAMLET said-how ill he must have felt!--
"Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt !"
Did no one whisper to the prince thus panting,
Your Royal Highness has not read your BANTING !"

THE DUPPEL EVENT.-The odds against Denmark.
SCIENTIFIC NOTE.-Gas is generally supposed to be procured from
coal, but it is also obtainable from a jet.


WIT MOND
BY ONE WHO KEEPS HIS


93


AY.
WITS UNTIDY.


WAKE in the morning early,
Frame a conundrum small;
Why is a man that's surly
Not a good man at all ?
Breakfasting, think of the answer,
Laugh at it all the day;
Ask the maid-servant-" Can't, sir !"
Why, "because lie is (s)miles away."
Don't see the point of the question,
Try one again at lunch ;
Why should a good digestion
Resemble the figure of PUNcH P
Because he's the-stop, let's be sure,
The answer is one you can find-
Why the one has the umpire before,
And the other's the hump higher behind.
Think of a pun over dinner;
Wanting a plate to be clean
I say, "I'mfat-igued, but if thinner,
I should be inclined to the lean."
Nobody laughs at the saying,
So bring four quibbles alert;
I add, whilst the fruit they are laying,
Ah! now I shall get my desert."
This don't cause a mighty sensation;
So waiting until I have tea,
I ask, why is this situation
Like Denmark unlikely to be ?
I wait for the answer politely,
And find, as the pause is too long,
I have to reply, "Well, it might be,
Because it is not my tea strong."
This don't bring a grin round the table;
So when I have supper brought up,
I inquire, why a doctor's shop label
Is just like a Newfoundland pup ?
All wait for the witty solution,
When quickly I answer, Because
One produces much circumlocution,
And t'other produces some pause."
They don't see the point of my joking ;
So just before going to bed
I ask, why am I when I'm smoking,
Like one who can stand on his head ?
The question is three times repeated,
When showing my guests to the door,
I say, Thus the answer's completed-
It turns me quite up to be sure."
Now surely the day I have stated,
As one so productive of fun,
I have sell-a what ?" celebrated-
By JOVE that's the best I have done.
What's the use of a joke if begun on
A day that it never should be ?
What's the use of a word if a pun on
You've made that no mortal can see ?

EPITAPHS.
To THE MEMORY OF THE NATIONAL SHAKESPEARE COMMITTEE.
THIS horrid bore
Long time we bore,
We knew wouldd be in vain;
When some disgusted,
Their exodus did
Proclaim with great disdain.

HERE the Committee's corpse we bring,
Its relics cast your eyes on :
It uttered many a foolish thing,
But, dying did a wise one I

AN UTTER MISNOMER.-The relieving officer at Bethnal Green.


VOL. VI. K


MAY 21, 1864.]


1~









94 FUN.

nnwamqrV "lRT'W?.V


Li. rroo e
HE misconduct of the police
at Primrose-hill on the 23rd
of last month is not to be
easily forgotten. The press,
S in its desire to maintain law
and order, has for some years
turned a deaf ear to the
general complaint of the
rudeness, roughness, and in-
civility of what is rightly
called "The Force "
though sometimes erro-
neously spoken of as the
S "Civil Force."
As certainly as you fail to
find a policeman when he is
wanted, so certainly do you
come in contact with one
beyond the limits of his
duty. The streets of Lon-
don after dark are as much
under the tyranny of the
r MAYNE force as the streets
in of Paris are under the des-
/ 2y potism of the French police.
Those whose occupations
Sdetain them until late in
i the city cannot fail to ac-
knowledge the truth of this.
L As they pass homewards
through the main thorough-
fares towards midnight or
after it, they are the un-
willing witnesses of arbitrary and cruel treatment of the homeless,
the destitute, the fallen, and the drunken, but harmless wretches who
are left defenceless to the tender mercies of the police. Any attempt
to expostulate or interfere is felt to be not only useless but dangerous
by the experienced bystander, who knows what is the result of a
difference of opinion with the autocrat of night.
It is quite time that the press should learn that in this, as in every
case, the ends of order and law are best served by an unflinching
adherence to the truth. The mistaken reticence of our journals has
fostered in the police that autocratic audacity which led to the dis-
graceful and un-English scenes at Primrose-hill. In future, we trust
that the busy and ruffianly policeman will find no more cloak for his
misdoings than the burglar or the garotter in the darkness of night
A bold and honest denunciation of all acts of petty tyranny will confer
a benefit on what should be an efficient and honourable body of men,
by ridding it of the black sheep, and preserving the meritorious and
intelligent few from the condemnation so fully earned by the incom-
petent and ill-regulated many.
We, therefore, demand on behalf of the police, as well as the public,
that the press, in future, shall, in all police cases like that at Prim-
rose-hill, speak the truth-and the whole truth !


The Gambler's (S)take.
WHAT game at cards is the most economical? You give it up ?
The deuce! I'm ace-tonished at such n trait in ouvrn rch..r.t.r


[MAY 21, 1864.


CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.


PICKED UP BY OUR OWN. MoucHAD.
SMITH.-The Danish victory off Heligland don't say much for
the German fleet.
Baowx.-Well, we must-not be too hard upon the brave allies.
They had to fight with unaccustomed odds.
SMITH.-Nonsense! They were nearly 2 to 1-121 guns against
74, and the probabilities are that their.stillery was superior.
SMITH.-That may be. But as throughout the whole war they
have never conquered the Danes when less than 4 to 1, we needn't
be surprised that with less than 2 to 1 the tables were turned, and
Germania skedaddled.
BRowN.-What did you think of M~. GLADSTONE'S explanation
about the departure of GARIBALDI ?
SMITH.-Why, that it was like the departure itself.
BROWN.-How so ?
SMITH.-Why, very unsatisfactory, to be sure.
BROWN.-Well, whatever people may say of FIELD-MARSHAL VON
WRANGEL, to serve in his army must be capital training. What
grand lessons a young soldier may there learn.
SMITH.-In the art of war ?
BaowN.-Not exactly; although, according to Prussian notions,
a sister science. Think how with him even the most honest could
learn to thieve with facility and despatch. Housebreakers who had
served in Jutland would, ipsofacto, take a high rank in their profes-
sions. In fact, if peace is not signed before the armistice is out and
war should recommence, I look upon the Prussian army as an institu-
tion in whose bosom our criminal classes may find not only a "local
habitation," but even make "a name" for themselves.
SMITH.-Well, in that respect I own the service has its advantages
and that's about all.

A NICE PLACE TO LIVE IN!
OuR Teutonic neighbours, who boast so much of their extreme
civilization, and prove it by attempting to rob Denmark of two pro-
vinces in a manner more suitable to the 15th than the 19th century
-have just given another proof of the immense distance they are
removed from barbarism. The legislature of Mecklenburg-Schwerin
has just passed an enactment whereby power is granted to landed
proprietors to inflict twenty-five blows with a stick on their
labourers for trifling offences without any previous legal formalities.
Justices' justice in this country, where a free press acts to a certain
extent as a restraint on the judicial decisions of the great unpaid,"
is proverbial for its-well, suppose we call it eccentricity; what must
it be in Germany where the press is only free to hold its tongue ?
The Germans used td call themselves, and glory in the title of, a
"nation of thinkers." The legislators of Mecklenburg-Schwerin
have, however, discovered that fine thoughts, like fine words, butter
no parsnips, either social or political. They wish now to prove to the
world that they are on occasion also great doers as well, and their first
step in a practical direction is to allow their landed gents (we really can't
in conscience call them gentry) to beat their labourers. But we must
not be too hard on them. No doubt it is our ignorance which pre-
vents our tracing out the profound theories of these philosophers
from Iheir original stand-point." So far, however, as we can make
out it seems that the bucolic mind being-and in this respect Ger-
many is certainly not singular-peculiarly dense, the Meeklenburgers,
wishing to place it in the most favourable light before the world, have
hit upon the happy expedient of illustrating it-with cuts.


Why, of course you must be a great screw to be able to play at
(t)whist. After that we had better cut! Told you so, Somes!
THE battle of BIGoT versus SPIGOT has ended in the signal defeat
AN INTREPID HARE-OR-NAUGHT. of the former. This is no more than we have all along prophesied.
ONE of the French papers tells us of a hare which, during a recent The member for Hull has made a great Hull-abaloo about nothing.
inundation, climbed into a willow and perched itself on abough as if it 01 course it was not to be expected that he would be allowed to carry
were an aria founded on a trio. When it was founded by a peasant his little measure to prevent people from carrying their jugs on a
who came with a boat and climbed up after it, the hare sprang from Sunday ; but we hardly expected the House would make such a
the bough and made its exit with the boat, leaving the rustic up a tree vigorous display and shut him up as effectually as he wished to shut
in every sense. We cannot help feeling that to listen to that we must up public houses. So there's nothing more for it but for SOMES to
have ears as long as-well, say a hare-and therefore we must not retire once more into the obscurity which best becomes him.
be accused of undue leverety if we laugh at the whole story.

FASHIONABLE NEWS. A" BEN"-GALL TIGER.-DISRAELI.
WE understand that the new Brighton pier is about to claim a seat B AVO, PA.DDY !-An Irishman lately asked who was to "riprisint"
in the Upper House. the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH at the Conference.
The Night after to-morrow is to have a number of stars, and will AN UNKIND RRMARK.-" It's all stuff," as the lady said to her
be made an honorary A.M., being already an M.P. husband, who was complaining of dyspepsia after a public dinner.








MAY 21, 1864.] F U N 95
j


POETRY AND PROSE.
No. 3.-THE APOSTLE.
WHAT a host of ideas, dim and gran.1,
Crowd on our minds from every hand,
And in hazy confusion jostle,
If, when conversation is growing tame,
A lady or gentleman friend should name,
Some person to whom by common acch:lai,.
And that whimsical lady men designate PamiB
Is given the title-" Apostle."
We think of ST. PAUL, who, with prafOhingipfBt
Sat down cross-legged to mend a rent,
In the middle, or top, or side of his tent,
With tent-maker's needle and cottof..
We can see at a glance that he is not rinh, .
Or he'd not be inclined his tent to pithi
On a common, or near a hedge-row, or dlit rA
Or whea he saw a rent, to go stitch *' 4ttl I *1*ilrta"
And exclaim if the thread vw tMUli
Should sthey asmo St. Pv~an, our fain~y is a
The first bishop of Itome with his mVestl, k el
While fainily bome on the evening 1brlw e,
We hear the Angelus swelling.
We picture othedrals grand and dim,
Ansd list to th riMonks' soul-cheering hymn;
'ill 'ts hard to believe-though our seuses 9wil."
That we have not quitted our dwelling,
'We paint the eremite monks of old,
As champions of truth, chivalrous, and bold,
Who thought honour a nobler possession than gold;
And when tempted their bir.liright to barter,
With courage heroic no torture could shake,
Or torments their noble spirits break ;
TheBy wel.onmed the sword, and cross, end AStfke
And crown and palm of the martyr.
Then reviewing the lives of the anci nt saints,
And Fox's martyrs, our fancy paints
A picture so life-like and real ;
As we lay on the tints with unsparing hand,
We produce an effect so striking and grand
(Though we don't care to own it), aghast we stand
At the sight of our own ideal.
With a saintly form and an eye of fire,
Now melting to pity, now kindling to ire,
And usually lifted to heaven ;
Now selling his goods the poor to feed,
Now soothing the sorrowful one in his need,
With a soul untainted by worldly greed,
And the bigot s ungodly leaven.
And thus with all the virtues endowed,
Towering above the worldly crowd,
With form and proportions colossal,
When free from the world and its parking care,
We sit in our old cane-bottomed chair,"
And leave fancy unbridled and free as the air,
We paint our poetic apostle.
PROSE.
Quoth the proverb, A man is known by his friends,"
And Tell me their company I'll name hleir ends,"
Is a saying by moralists quo,,ed.
But the bard with long midnight study pale,
Says, If a man's rich let me go to hi, sale,
For his character there can be noted."
And in order to find an apostle in prose,
In his seventy-five shilling work-a-dia clothes,
And to sketch him boldly and freely,
The bard attended the recent sale
Of blooming virgins aud goddesses pale,
Of tomes theoloyiques austy and pale,
Of the beer and cider, spirits and ale,
That belonged to the Bishop of Ely.
There were drinking goblets of curious mould,
Bright with the wars and loves of old ;
And admirers of vertd don't need to be told
That there were some lovely carved crystals.


Paintings there were by VANDYKE and RAPHAEL
(But their prices would make a dealer quail);
While a lover of MANTON would loudly rail
At the inlaid muskets and pistols.
Limoge enamels by dozens were there,
And marble busts crowded landing and stair,
And Florentine mosaics, so costly and rare,
By scores, at least, might be counted;
A few modern came, hosts of antique,
t, teal and life-like they seWn to speak,
Oiglinal copies, engraved from the Gmelt,
And by eminent goldesithe m~olUie
N o Was art medieval negletbed there I
hithe fire-proof oloset Sttod ohalioe rate,
And linely engratnr paten;
While-like omuiutefbiir-ftffr a ekt-st
Was Venus, as arch s a so only oan be,
A Ve rtts just risen from a flatly sea
Of marble and nAmlk-W lItB Matin.
There were silver-motunted hunting whips,
AId mnode" of G~Wa 'N fib friMgauobuilt ships)
A peort~Rt of that good reoe'lo E clipso,
Antd lines for rooh, trout and barbel;
Ail the brhtiiAMa virtttko wWe Faith and Hope--
Th lbM t ho with ai Ioor and rope-
And lhrtity, dotint White marble.
thwe were hosti of paintings of rflm and dog-
Btt the thread of our discourse seems lost in a fog,
And the objects mingle and jostle;
So we leave our readers, when free from care,
And seated in snug cane-bottomed chair,
With fancy unbridled, and free as the air,
To picture a prose apostle.

'T &&LAST SHA.IIzEERIAN DIBTOVERY.
Ballyshannon, May 19th.
tOLLO FUN, MY JEWEL,-Arrah he aisy, wid ye! Come out
of that. I've just made a grand SHAKESPRRIAN discovery which will
Sastouish the O'HALLIWELL faction. Sure and its the immortal bard
that wasn't born at all, at all; I mane he wasn't at all born at Stratford
in Warwickshire, but more likely in County Wicklow, darling. Don't
he say, in The Tempest, that the scene is The sea with a ship, after-
wards an uninhabited island ?" Now, sure, wasn't the island inhabited
by O'PIoseaPI, and MtIIIANDA, and CALIUAN, not to say SYCORAX and
AHIKL, and ever so many more, may be P Bedad SHAKESPEARE was
an Irishltan, and it's Saxon injustice that has robbed us of his birth-
place, and the sons of Erin of a fellow-townsman. The Emerald
Isle lor ever and it's his Teroetitenary we'll have there every year.
So hurrah for the next anniversary of O'SHAKESPEABR's birthday I
Whack, phillibulloo will anybody tread on the tail of my quotation ?
PAT TO THE POINT.

FORTITER IN RE.
WE see it stated in a contemporary that surveys are being made
on the southern shores of the Bristol Channel, and that negotiations
are in progress for the purchase of land at Blundown, with a view to
the erection of batteries. The name is ominous; lot Government
reimemblr how much it is to be pitied for its Spithoad forts, and beware,
lest those proposed for the Bristol Channel should be such as to alter
the name of the locality from Blundown to Blunder.

IN RE PATER.
YOUNG MISTER GEORGE DENMAN,
He proved a good penman,
When he spoke for rash PATER,
That 'twas a deuced odd thing
For old PAYNE and BODKIN
To fine him as a prater.
So the judges all decreed
The justices to supersede,
And save his chairs and table;
But ruled, "The learned counsel, hence,
He must avoid impertinence,
As well as he was able."

HER MAJESTY'S MINISTEra .-The court chaplains.








FUN.


SENTIMENT SHUT UP.
Adolphus (given to poetry sketching) :-" OH, LOOK, DEAREST,'LOOK-HOW DIVINE THE SKY!
Constance:-" BY JOVE! WHAT A PETTICOAT IT WOULD MAKE "


LNYAY ZI, ild04.


HOW GRAND How-HOW SUBLIME !"

[Disgust of poetical lover.


THE PROCTOR AND THE PROCTORIZED.
I WAS in Oxford t'other day, I walked down the High-
A surly man, in velvet sleeves, I happened to espy;
A skull cap, with a queer square top, he wore upon his head,
And walked the streets, a thing of might," with sternly tragic tread.
Anon I saw a gentle youth (no sub fusk" under-grad),
" Toga virilis" he had none, no mortar board he had;
Marine the jacket that he wore, of felt, his small round tile;"
The soothing weed" his lips just kissed, the weary hours to while.
He started as his eye fell on the velvet of the Ghoul"
Who prowled, the stern embodiment of Alma Mater's rule.
He thought to fly, but flight was vain-entranced, he could not stir;
The cap was raised with well-known phrase, "YOUR NAME AND
COLLEGE, SIR?"
The youth replied, the proctor bowed, with call on me at nine;"
A cloud obscured the youth that day, the shadow of a fine
Was o'er his path, and in his wrath he muttered deep a curse;
His heart was heavy-well he knew wouldd lighter make his purse.
Alas! that those whose duty 'tis to train the pliant twig
Should warp it by such insane zeal "a half a quid to rIGe.
The angel scribe who dropped a tear and blotted (nothing loath)
The record his stern duty made of UNCLE TOBY'S oath,
Will charge that youth's low, muttered curse againstt him whose
snobbish deed
Provoked it by a stupid fine, because a soothing weed
Perfumed the High; although he would (the paradox is odd)
Have passed the smoker with a smile, or p'r'aps with friendly nod,
Had he but met him on the stairs or in the college quad;
Or if the crime was one of dress, more wretched still the rule
That would inflict on MEN the garb of schoolboy or of fool.
'Tis true these proctors and their pro's the Varsty rulers choose,
With feelings of compassion and with charitable views;


Yet, in the balance of their choice, this wise saw" should be weighed,
"A silk purse from an old sow's ear has never yet been made."
MORAL.
Or as a moral take this one, too true but not too civil,
"A beggar once upon a horse will ride it to the devil."


To Our Ignorant Mathematical Readers.
THE following are the first four rules of arithmetic as exemplified
on the American system :-
Addition.-The annexation of Canada (at the conclusion of the
present war).
Subtraction.-The capture of Charleston (date at present un-
known).
Multiplication.-The National Debt.
Division.-Secession.

A CUT DIRECT.
IN reference to the Japanese duel which so nearly took place in
Paris some time ago, our Lunatic contributor said that he should
object to that peculiar mode of satisfaction, because a man capable of
disembowelling himself thereby showed a preference for bad company.
When asked to explain his meaning, our L. C. declared that the action
clearly proved a fondness for a rip.

ALARMING ACCIDENT.
A MEMBER of the University of Oxford, who is unfortunately
unable to swim, was the other day prevailed upon by a thoughtless
friend to enter a pool. He lost two lives in a few minutes, and was
res-cued with difficulty by a gentleman moving in the best (humane)
society.


~, .nni


\ 4







FUN.-MAY 21, 1864.


THE WORKING MAN-WHICH IS HIS FRIEND


Gladstone:-"NEVER MIND HIM-WAIT TILL THE BILL PASSES, AND
SIDE THEN."


HE'LL BE ON YOUR








MAY 21, 1864.] FU 1N. 99


,mu in V arlintant.

HOUSE OF LORDS.-MONDAY, MAY 9TH.
IN answer to the EARL OF CARNARVON, EARL RUSSELL, who had
seemed in a bursting state since entering the House, cackled out
with childish glee the fact of an armistice. He was so delighted with
his wonderful achievement, that he puffed his little chest in a manner
that made us tremble for the safety of his waistcoat buttons. But
after all it turns out that the Carcase Butchers get all the best of the
arrangement. The speech of the EABL OF CARNARVON showed the
pure undefiled English blood--that of the FLABBY MIND a large
mixture of the Germanic puddle.
The EARL OF STRATHEDEN wanted correspondence with the
brutal Russians on the subject of Poland. The FOREIGN SEORE-
TARY came in for another pommelling; but what of that ? As long
as the FLABBY MIND can embrace the loaves and fishes, what cares he
for the honour of the land which provides them. Of course he
objected to give the papers asked for. He had no desire to contri-
bute further to his own shame.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
SIR GEOBRG GREY declared the suspension of hostilities, and
presently the voice of England's earnest sympathy with Denmark
was heard. BERNAL OSBORNE asked for confirmation of the reported
naval fight, and when the HOME SECRETARY gave it, when it was
told that the descendants of the Sea Kings had worthily remembered
their fathers' prowess, a storm of cheers rang out, which made the
few German sympathizers turn livid with suppressed rage.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TUESDAY.
The EARL OF ELLENBOROUGH agreed to withdraw his bill on
sentence of death, as the House of Commons had arranged for that
commission, which will, we trust, prevent such fast and loose legisla-
tion as that of the GEORGE GREY type.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
MR. LAYARD stated that no official communication had reached
him to the intent that the New York Government intended to be
rogues in the matter of foreign bonds; but this is pretty much the
same as confessing that they intend to offer their disreputable green-
backs instead of honest coin.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.-WEDNESDAY.
MR. BAINEs fired off one of his Reform revolvers. The weapon
seems to be very clumsy, and there's more smoke than anything
else following the discharge. MR. CAVE made a very dishonest
donkey of himself; he moved "the previous question," on the plea of
the inopportune, and then dragged himself on to quarrel with any
measure of Reform whatever. MR. GLADSTONE came out with one of
his grand sophisticals. He had made up his mind to vote with
BAINES, but that he was swallowing a mixture nauseous to him was
plainly evident. The conduct of the Government on the question of
Reform has been, and ever will be, a byword. There was a roaring
House in number, and the stand-stills got their way by 272 to 216.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-THURSDAY.
The EARL OF ELLENBOROUGH asked what steps were taken to
prevent the scandalous kidnapping and drugging which prevailed in
the Northern States, in order to get soldiers to fight the battle of
these who fatten on the carnage of their own land. The EARL
instanced a man of real honour among the Federal officers-MAJOR
GENERAL WISTAR. All honour'be to him for washing his hands of
such pestilential dirt! EARL RUSSELL turned his back upon the
reporters' gallery. He is probably becoming ashamed that his words
should be taken down, but in this instance he need not have been
ashamed, for he had the honesty to admit that there was great nasti-
ness in the Federal enlistments.
Sharp sparring between OSBORNE and CECIL on motion for Educa-
tion Reports Committee. OSBORNE far from complimentary to
CECIL, who moved that OSBORNE'S words "be taken down." Nothing
comes of this terrific threat. Row goes on. Sergeant-at-arms,
hearing the noise, puts his head in at the door, and asks, with a grim
smile, if he is wanted. When told to go about his business, looks
intensely disgusted, and relieves his outraged feelings by kicking a
doorkeeper on the sly.

RETRIBUTION.-AS MR. PATER could not get on in his forensic
duties without insulting PAYNE, so the Court of Queen's Bench
have decided that he can't get off without paying .
THE REAL SWELL MOB."-The crowd in Rotten-row on an
afternoon.


THE THAMES SALMON.
A DELIGHTED I)rTrrY Y A DINING-MAN.
A SALMON! a salmon!
Wil.hlliil, lay g iunon,
In silvery Thames, in silvery Thames !
Let us hip,, hip, hurray,
And welcome tho day,
And make of it inlens-and make of it mcms.
For at some future time,
When they're plenty and prime
In silvery Thames, in silvery Thames,
You'll ho able o say,
I recall on what day
Caught the first one of them's--caught the first one of them's."
There'll he every Slih
That a gourimand could wish,
In silvery Thames, in silvery 'Thamnes.
Uut, now It's so dear,
Poor' tiree-h undrod-a-year,"
Not to taste it condemllns- not to tasto it condemns.
Don't tell meo of streams
Where the pearl brightly gleams,
For silvery Thames, for silvery Thanmes,
Will have salmon so big,
Youl \ill not cure a fig
For the oyster-bred gems-the oyster-bred gems I

ANOTHER CHRISTIAN MINISTER !
WHILE the clergy are agitating-and they are still in full feather,
and cackling like stubble geese about declarations and what not-
suppose they did sonietliing to improve their position in the eyes of
the civilized world by hb riing to lie excluded front the magisterial
bench. A short time since, we had to castigate the Itlv. Ma.
MARSHAM for his treatment of a son of ADAM for falling, like his
first father, asleep. Now we have to halo another parson up to
justice.
"OnTuesday morning sevvn gilpsies wre charged, before the Inv. UIIIAll TONKIN,
at Hayle, Cornwi ll, with t -'i i do 11p ,lt,'r ierni', ulll d w l'er' i'clh Collllitn d ti o twenty-
one days' iunprisoniimnt in to l counllt riall, with hird labour! The party con-
silted of mother aid six cliihoiio, algd .0, Ili, 1., 13, 1U, and H yoarl ."
The patriarchs wouldl have fired ill if thly had come within the
jurisdiction of this Rlv. UnriAi IlImE. We are curious to know
how far this decision will itllrt t l army at Aldershot, or the
Volunteers at Wimbledolln. N>ay, how far will that] E'nglishmanl's
house be his castle who sleeps iii a, lent bed ? Such a ihnrars senltnce
is s'nuff to make ToNKIN-lieaii-volenIm' doubted ; it would scarcely
serve at a pinch, as ftr us one knows, to save its owner from the
condemnation of those who grind the faces of the poor, and deal
unmercifully with the widows and children. We, however, hope
better, and think no worse of the HIlVElIIND URTAn than BlURNS did
of a personage scarcely more malignant; we address him in the words
of the poet:-
S O, wad y hut tak Ient and men,
Yo uaibliln might, I linna ktn,
Yrt hue a stake!"

APPEAL OF GRANDSIRE'S.
TO THi EDITOR OF FUN."
SIR,-MR. DICKENs, in his "Old Curiosity Shop," rang the NELL
of grandfilial piety. The way in which that precocious chlil brought
up-not to say pulled up -her graumlfather, was an example which the
rising generation was only too ready to follow. And now see what
comes of it This is from the Times of a week or so back --
G RANDFATHER had better RETUItN IIOME at once, and lhow by his future
Conduct that he will ctld-avour 1i rftrie'v the.l paht. IIH mnust, however, deter-
mine to act very diffnent.y. Bri^g Iack Lthe things. Shull advertise no more.
What the dickens-not CfHARLEs-shall we have next ? Second
childhood will be sent to Dotheoldhoy's Hall, and be cut off with a
sixpence and a parish loal, if it shows any of the pardonable follies of
second youth. This must. he -.c .i to, sir-this must be seen to I
enclose my card, but do nut ~s lh my grandchildren to know of my
writing to you, and, sll,'r. ,1re,'i,,-I iiyself,
Your obdiirLl, mumble servant,
TOOTHLESS TIMOTHY.
Oldham, April 30, 1864.








100 F U N. [My 21, 1864


CHAPTER I.
SEC. 1.--OF THE REASON WHICH INDUCED THE COMIC PHYSIOG-
NOMIST TO COME FORTH FROM HIS RETIREMENT.
Come oat of that! "-Popular Remark.
ONCE more has the Periwinkle of Physiognomy been brought forth
from the shell of modest retirement by the pin of Public Clamour.
His docile public, far from being irritated at the plain-spoken manner
in which he expressed his opinion of them as a body, in the latter
part of the last volume, not only kiss the rod (so to speak) with which
they were beaten, but also kotoo the individual who wielded it. They
write to him to beg him to come forth from his retirement. They
tell him that they pine for his agreeable society. They inform him
that when he is away they mope and pine, and sit apart from one
another, even as the sparrows upon the housetops are wont to do.
And the Comic Physiognomist's own observations have convinced him
that this is, in point of fact, the actual state of the case. Formerly,
as he wandered, IHAnouN-ALRASCHID-like, among his disciples, he
found them walking up and down 'leet-street, by twos or threes,
discoursing on the wisdom that had appeared in the last number of
this immortal periodical, or committing to heart the invaluable
physiognomical directions contained therein. Or one of his disciples,
more learned or more self-assertive than his brethren, would post him-
self on the uncomfortable summit of WAITHMAN'S column in
Farringdon-street, and thence hold forth to assembled thousands on
the beauties of Comic Physiognomy, as set forth by their beloved
instructor. But it was not long before narrow-minded city officials
began to look upon this sort of thing as a nuisance, and it will be
remembered that one fine day in January last, the mayor and corpo-
ration waited upon the C. P. and intimated to him that his popularity
with the rank and file of the metropolis was considered extremely
dangerous, and might possibly prove subversive of constitutional
principles. They respectfully, but firmly, requested him to withdraw.
No man possessing true nobility of soul could remain any longer in a
city where the dread of mobocracy incited its governing powers to the
commission of so despicable an act of meanness, so, with our souls
filled chock-full of scorn unutterable, we took ourselves off to-shall
we say Caprera ? Yes, we will; there to continue those studies which
have done so much towards the enlightenment and civilization of a
remarkable people.
SEC. 2.-OF THE MANNER IN WHICH WE SPENT OUR TIME
AT CAPRERA.
"Time-o Danaos."-Virgil.
OF course the word Caprera must be understood by our readers in
its widest possible sense, and looking-upon it in its proper light it will
be found to include not only a rocky island in the Mediterranean, but
all the greater part of England and Wales, together with an occasional
dash of Scotland and an intermittent smack of Ireland. This being


so, our readers will readily understand that the C. P. could have
selected very few places on the face of the earth better calculated for
the prosecution of his all-absorbing study of Englishmen and English
manners than the aforesaid Caprera.
He has not wasted his time. He has been up in balloons with
aeronauts, he has been down in diving-bells with polytechnic adven.
turers. He has associated with cabmen, dukes, philosophers, inventors,
sailors, tourists, bathing-women, organ-grinders, directors of public
companies, stokers, entertainers, waiters, flunkeys, maid-servants, leader-
writers, chemists, dramatic authors, stage-coachmen, grocers, aldermen,
police magistrates, policemen, toast-masters, attorneys, pickpockets,
burglars, and many other highly-respectable classes of society, into
the details of which he considers it unnecessary to enter at the present
moment, but all of which will be found described at length in the
following pages. He cannot close this introductory chapter without
congratulating his readers on the rich, intellectual treat which is in
store for them.

THE "BAR" TAPPED.
BARRISTERS mind PATER is fined,
For bearding a sessional judge;
The judges have said, the leech must be bled-
What a go for poor BUSBY and FUDGE!
Is tapping" the bar" going rather too far,
To suit neat professional taste ?
Or should one who "draws" have pretty white paws,
And the slenderest possible waist ?
Alas for the fate of men bred to prate,
On moral's high honour and laws;
Their souls always burn when they're taught in their turn,
That curbs should be put on their jaws.
Extinguished is PATER-thenceforth called PRATER-
Ten pounds is his nominal fine;
But paying attorneys a fact very stern is,
And not to be settled by wine.
Or even a dinner, though many a sinner,
Would swindle to dine with the bar;
Then PATER must pay in the usual way-
With a smile as becomes a "papa."

THE PRETTIEST FEMALE HooD.-Girlhood.
ExACTLY.-Partly fulfilling a promise is like breaking your word,"
and offering some of the bits.
TRUE AGAIN.-People who have never been in Italy form very
macaronious ideas about it.








MAY 21, 1864] F TJ N. 101


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBs.
THE labouring mountain of Conference bids fair to produce nothing
greater than what the Americans would call a ridiculous "muss."
The cannon of the aurora and the red hazard of war are the most
probable conclusion of the diplomatic game of billiards, in which the
cue of the Austrian and Prussian envoys would seem to be delay,
while EARL RUSSELL plays with the rest, and is thankful for very
little. The present prospects of the Conference are like a view in
Switzerland. Why ? Don't you see there's sham-on'y and a lot of
shilly-chflets. One cannot help pitying the PRINCEss OF WALES, and
perhaps the PRINCE, for I hope it isn't treason to say that he must
feel a dreadful inclination to punch his brother-in-law, the PRINCE
OF PRussIA's head, at the thought of these wrongs of his wife's pa's,
and Mars.
BY the way, what is the meaning of the reception of BAnoN
BEUST, the German plenipotentiary, at Osborne ? He was not intro-
duced by ~l4Lu RuSSELL, whose duty it would be to present him in
the general' way. It would seem there is some truth, in spite of the
doubts some people have expressed, in what I hinted at some time
since as the real oause of the way in which Government disappointed
the Danes, I must, at the risk of Tower-hill, express my regret that
the QUwIN should endanger a popularity which recent events have not
by force of Qroum ta*oas been calculated to increase, bythus decidedly
showing that, her sympathies on the Danish question are not with
those of her people. There, it's out now! If my readers miss me in
my accustomed place next week, they had better be in the neighbour-
hood of Trininy-square, if they want to hear more of me.
THEBm ioane sort of argument in public matters which it is rather
too much task us to admit. When the question arose as to the real
cause of GrtariALDrT's departure, some newspapers took this high and
mighty tone, and said, "A or B has declared such and such to be the
case, and therefore it must be so because you cannot doubt his word."
This wou~ b all very well if there were not a certain diplomacy in
such mateites which sanctions the use of language d la TALLEYRAND,
namely, tosof neal thoughts, A statesman who wishes to present one
view tohi-aulditorsdoes asthe critic does who desires to concentrate
his attention on one portion of a picture. As the latter with a teles-
copic arrangement of his hand shuts out surrounding paintings which
would jar with the one under consideration, so the former, by limiting
his remarks to one section of the matter, makes it appear the whole
and sole subject. MR. GLADSTONE never fibs except as a matter of
policy, but when he said the General's health was the cause of his.
departure, he made a mental reservation which is permitted by every
political creed.
A MORE, recent instance of this sort of thing may be seen in the
little Brompton Boilers'job. When it was announced that CAPTAIN
FOWKE was the successful competitor for the erection of the "Museum
of Science and Art, at South Kensington," the public did figuratively
what the famous INGOLDSBIAN sacristan actually did; it
"Put its thumb unto its nose, an4 it spread its fingers out."
Whereupon indignant virtue, the friend of COLE and Co., said,
"Would you doubt the honesty of such men as the judges in this
matter ?" To which we reply again, d la ToM INGOLDSBY, and
Spread our fingera:out, and put our thumb unto our nose."
Supposing one black sheep, or two, in the quorum, it is easy to see
how they might press the design, whose author they knew, on their
coadjutors. But POWKES'S motto Ad ogni vucello sue mido bello,"
was almost like writing his name. For the benefit of those who are
not Italian scholars any more than I am, I translate this freely as,
"Every crow thinks its own chick the whitest." Or you may still
more freely-render it as "The old FOWKE'S at home !" It is literally
" Every bird thinks its own nest beautiful," which means that the
gallant captain considers his Boilers and his Barn as works of art. In
this instance the nest of competition is invaded by the cuckoo-chick
of cliqueism. There can hardly be a doubt of that, and all the indig-
nant virtue in the world cannot persuade me that the designer of the
two most hideous eyesores of London (and that is saying a good deal)
was really and truly the most successful competitor. If so, there is
only one other conclusion to be drawn, namely, that none of our best
men cared to compete where favouritism and jobbery are so noto-
riously rampant. The Boiler party may take their choice of the two
alternatives.

Complimentary.
JONEs.-Was he sober, BRnoN ?
BRowN.-Sober! as sober as you are now.

VERBIJM SAP.-Time is never in a hurry, but never idles.


CONFERENCE CHIT-CHAT.
SCENE.-A room at the foreign Offie. Present, L RD PA.LMER-
STON and EABL CLAHRNOIDN. 2'Ae various (opies of Ihl delay
having been discussed and entirely e.rlhAiusted, icliqn the I'remier's
gout, the nero tenor, LADY P.1.\[ERSriON'S last assemblyy. and the
current number of FUN, a bright idea strikes the First Lord, causing
him to observe:-
LORD P.-So you got an armistice out of them ?
EARL C.-Out of whom-the plenipotentiaries ? And precious
hard work I had, I can tell you. What with one power not having
had enough war, and another too much, and a third going in lor terri-
tory, we had a bad time (o it.
LORD P.-Well, the armistice has staved off the evil day of ejection
for us. Whatsay you?
EARL C.-Decidedly. (With mock pathos). It will be a sad disap-
pointment to poor DIzzY.
LORD P. (in a similar tone).-Yes, poor DIZZY. How I pity him.
Don't you? ( Winks)
EARL C.-Tremendonsly. (Aff'eet. to weep.)
LORD P.-I say, though, how did JoHNNY behave? The little
man is so puffed up with his new lease of office that I really couldn't
get a word out of him. Was he troublesome ?
EARL C.-Rather, at first. So by general vote he was put at a table
by himself with pens, ink, and paper, where he amused himself by
writing despatches to ns all.
LORD P.-Wasn't that embarrassing ?
EARL C.-Oh, dear no, not at all. Of course a proviso was made
that no notice was to be taken of his effusions.
LORD P.-Well, but about the armistice? Do you think Denmark
will give up Scbleswig and llolstein without compulsion ?
EARL C.-Not if Denmark is aware of it. BILLB-by the way,
what an odd name, why don't they call him WILLIAM P-declarsa he
goes in for the integrity of the kingdom, or nothing. You see, he's
awfully afraid of the Copenhagen mob, who have an awkward knack
of pitching into any minister who even hints at such a thing as oa-
cessions to Germany.
LORD P.-But do you think the Germans will agree to that ?
EARL C.-Not a bit of it. The only chance is the possible dis-
agreement of Austria and Prussia, in which case the old adago will
come true.
LORD P.-Ah," When thieves fall out, honest men," etc. Very true.
And the German Diet ?
EAaiL C.-Will dance to any tune the Allies suggest.
LORD P.-And France ?
EARL C.-Is playing the waiting game in the hope of picking up
any "unconsidered trifle" in the shape of a province that may be left
lying about handy.
LORD P.-And Russia ?
EARL C.-Looks big, but means nothing active. What with the
liberation of the serfs, the Polish insurrection, and domestic dis-
content, she has for the present a very tolerable share of troubles
without fishing in foreign pouds for them.
LORD P.-Well, as to ourselves, our game, you know, is the general
mediator and universal arbitrator dodge-(with a heavy sirh)-if we
can only play it. JOHNNY'S oacoelhes scribendi and the Cooussrvative
hostility are heavy odds against us.
EARL C.-As for the first, serve him as we did. 'Twas most
effectual.
LORD P. (sadly).-Ah don't I wish we could.
[Exit, thinking what an excellent plan it would be to extinguish EARL
RUSSELL Ir the way suqges.led.]

AN EXPLANATION WANTED.
NEWSPAPER readers, like travellers, see strange things. Here is
an advertisement that appeared on the morning of the 6th of May in-
the Daily Telegraph: -
TOOUSEKEEPER WANTED: One Acquainted with Live Stock preferred.-TI
married, and without encullmranc, thli wife could bie emipltoyed aw cmk To a
trustworthy, middle-;iged couple bo;ud, lodging, and good wa;e, would giv.n,
Why the preference should be given to a housekenper nmqlin intcd
with live stock," can only be explained on the prin:ille thal, a differ-
ence of tastes need not alter frienrdllip any more than opinions. llut
why could the wife be employed as cook, if she were married and
without encumbrance? As Othello says, "My wife! What wife ?"
But a little further we find the housekeeper might be a worthy
middle-aged couple ;" and if so, would have good w.,gis, of which the
duplicated being would certainly be ii need, or else with a seconI hoIly
to provide for, she could not possess the other q(I Lilfi'atio olf b'ing
"without encumbrance." \ecll, if a horse-keeper were wanted now-
but no that explanation would be too simple.








-rar 01 lo8A


MISTAKEN INDUSTRY.
"WHY, MARY! MARY! WHAT are YOU ABOUT ? THAT HARE SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT THE FIRE AN HOUR AGO!"
"FAIX, BE GOB, MUM, AND 80 HE DID; BUT HE'S ONE O' THEM SORT AS TAKES SUCH A DALE O' PICKIN'. IT'S MYSELF
THAT'S BEEN TWEAKIN' AND TWEAKII' FUR MORE THAN AN HOUR, AND THE 'AIR ISN'T ALL OFF HIM YIT!"


A LAY OF LEICESTER SQUARE GARDEN.
IT is disgraceful that a public square in a central part of London should have
been allowed to fall into such a condition. For very shame the inhabitants
ought to set about putting it in order. If the little boy, before MR. KNOX, deserved
his three days and twelve strokes of a birch rod for wanton mischief (stealing lead
from the equestriaR statue), somebody or other deserves a more severe punishment
for wanton neglect."- The Times.
COME, all you lazy householders that live in Leicester-square,
That queer, outlandish, foreigner-beloved, big thoroughfare;
Come, listen to my ditty-it's about your garden, where
St. Giles's lambkins "tipcat" play among the rubbish there.
Oh rusty are the broken rails that fence that squalid ground,
Where murdered cats and half brickbats, and broken glass abound;
To make this blot a trim, green spot, would cost not many a pound;
To take away an eyesore, it's time the hat went round !
There, that ugly, broken statue, that the Times so much has "riled,"
Stands tempting to strip off its lead full many a starving child;
Who cannot think that much can care for this statue, Mn. WYLDE,
When he leaves it in a state whereat the cabmen e'en have smiled.
If he deserved that "taste of birch upon his squalid skin,
Poor little brat, whose ignorance the law perforce calls sin ;
Are you much better, householders, who grudge what little "tin"
'Twould take to turn the rubbish out and let some beauty in ?
A nuisance to half London's eyes in this great thoroughfare,
Is this fusty, railed off dust-bin-garden once of Leicester-square;
If you, to make it green again, have neither time nor care,
Why, let the Board of Works step in and make aplay-ground there.

WHEN IS A WATCH LIKE AN ECHO P-When it's a repeater.


PLUS QUAM SALIS.
A MORNING paper made the following announcement last week:-
"The Conference met yesterday and agreed to an armistice. The terms of the
arrangement are that each belligerent keeps what he has got."
We can but think this harder upon Austriarand Prussia than upon
the Danes. The very day this armistice was settled, the Austrian
squadron got a thrashing, and we are thinking that the seamen of the
Emperor would have thought it a very poor compliment if they had
been told in the hour of defeat that assembled Europe had decided
'that they might keep what they had got. Again, the KING OF
PRUSSIA has got anything but an enviable reputation, and it would
have been nothing but charitable on the part of the Conference to
make his majesty an exception. Indeed, they might have put a
clause into the "arrangement" that the sooner he got rid of his
pigheadedness and bloodymindedness the better. As for plucky little
Denmark, the arrangement must be to her highly satisfactory. Europe
tells her that she may keep all she has got, namely, the admiration
and sympathy of the world; a name worthy of her ancient fame, and
the unswerving support and approbation of MR. FUN.

The Street Music Nuisance.
MR. BAss, the M.P. for Derby, deserves a great deal of praise for his
attempts to do away with the organ nuisance. If he succeeds he will
deserve a monument at the hands of his grateful countrymen for the
relief, and the best thing for the purpose would of course be a "Basso
relieve."
WET-MONDAY PESTIVITIES.-An excursionist, having left his
umbrella behind him, consoled himself on returning home wet through
with the reflection that after all he caught the last rain.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & s0, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-May 21, 1864.


0;.


SFUN.


_ 02-


l al L .









FUN.


SCENE AT SIMPSON'S.
Excited Diner:-" HI! YOU SIR, COME HERE! NOW, WAITER (pultie
it to him), 'OW THE DOOSE DO YOU SUPPOSE I'M TO HEAT PEAS WITH BUC
A KNIFE AS THAT? "
[Tyaiter gives it up.

Notes and Queer 'uns.
IN answer to the inquiry of "FATIMA" we have received a note from
LAMBERT, which states that the Essay on Corpulence" to which she refe
was never attributed to the Great Unknown." It has been attributed by son
to the author of "the Gorging Not," but on no very good grounds.
"PIPs's Diary" was not written by the PRINCE OF ORANGE, neither w
it the work of the great PEEL, as our correspondent "TAM WORTH" sui
gests. We have been repeatedly asked if the "Pursy Relics" were the remain
of MR. BANTING. It has been stoutly urged by our correspondent who dat
his letters from "the Broad, Oxford," that that gentleman edited the "R
miniscences of Stair," with a frontispiece representing the editor coming dov
backwards. We have not seen the volume he refers to.

THIS SABLE ABLE PARTY.
A NATIVE African clergyman is to be raised to the episcopate under the title
the Bishop of Niger. (You are requested not to display your in-g-nuity I
calling it nigger.) What would ARCHBISHOP HUGhIEs have said to tl
change of colour ? At all events the lawn will set off his complexion ai
make him by contrast look like (mag)piety personified. We should be i
dined to fear that the new bishop may be liable, owing to his complexion at
his climate, to become dogmatic, the result of black and tan."

VERY LIKE A WHALE.
A LARGE fish was caught at Isleworth the other day. As he was a maria
monster he was described by the papers as having accidentally strayed"
far up the Thames. We are requested by a distinguished personage, distant
connected with him, to state that there is no foundation for the report th
he had lost himself. How could he when 1 e went up there porpoise-ly ?
MATRIMONIAL.-The best means of catching an heiress" is with a coronet!


IMAY 28, 18R4.]


VOL VI. L


I ------ --


103


A WORD WITH LORD WESTBURY;
on,
THE TALLYMAN'S COMPLAINT.
"IT (Lons WfSTi nr's new Law of Debtor and Creditor Bill)
will, us we fervently hope, entirely destroy the 'tally system,'
against which the County Court judges have now been almost vaiinly
struggling, and under which the poorer elhseso have been suffering for
many years. * It will not diminish the confidence which
one mian has in the honesty of another nimn, although it will prevent
his building on that confidence for evil purposes."- The Times.
"VOT next they'll do I'd like to know,"
In grumbling accents thus began,
Unburdening his bosom's woe,
A keen-eyed, hard-mouthed tallyman.
"Vot! going to do away with quod
For little debts! Vot triklis inwcut
To suit them coves as thinks it odd,
A feller likes his cent. per cent.!
"That chancellor's a pretty man,
No sense, nor feeling, none ho's got;
Vy, can't he see that this 'ere plan
Must send the tally trade to pot ?
"I used vile valking on my round
To make a tidy lot o' tin ;
I knows my folks, I picks my ground,
Good morning-is your mother in ?'
"'Yes!' Down then comes to meo the wife
Of some 'ard-vorking cove-ho's out;
A nice snug 'omno; I'll lay my life
A new dress she can't go without.
'Sir, vet's the price ?'-' Vell, ma'am, to you
I'll lower it--five-and-forty bob;'
Vot! ain't that high ?'-but course I knew
How tick vould sweeten this here job.
S'You pays me, ma'am, just as you like,
Three bob a veek ain't so much tin;'
Just let her husbandd be on strike,
See how I'll put the brokers in.
"Till't comes to that I'm worry kind-
Affords to wait-I charges high;
H They gets a dress, they doesn't mind
So long as husbandd isn't by.
"Some veeks they're back'ard, then I frown,
And quite a different tale I tell;
'If you can't pay for that there gown,
Your husband ma'am, he'll do as vell.'
They cries-von't do for me-that's true,
rs Tears fills their hcyes; veil knows this chap
2e That tears and bills may both be due bedeww),
And neither vorth vun blessed rap I
as
g. "Lawks lots o' times vot larks I've seen,
ns Vith husbandss backing of their wives,
es 'Cos at the tally they 'ad been-
e- Poor coves! they leads 'em rummy lives.
in But if this horful Bill comes in,
'Twill floor us quite, 'tween me and you,
They'll get no togs-we'll get no tin;
Votever vill this feller do P"

of A Nonsense Rhyme for a Nonsensical Reasoner.
by
is DEDICATED TO A NOTORIOUS NOBLEMAN OF FRANCE.
nd THERE was an old MARQUIS DE BOISSY,
ad Who was not very much of it-was he ?
For he talked silly tales
About our PRINCE OF WALES,
Which made people think he was "tossy."

ne SICCON IDEA.
so WHY is servility like a man who is tired of works of
ly imagination ? Because it's sycophancy (sick o' fancy).
at

ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT EVERY "FELLAH CAN
UNDERSTAND.-A joke in FUN.








[MAY 28, 1864.


FUN.


TOWN TALK. WE 'RE N(
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBS. THOUGH slim as a lan
IT must have cost Mu. GLADSTONE a struggleto make his speech on All my readers have h
MR. I TNES'S bill. By it he has divorced himself for ever from the That mystical feline s5
University of Oxford. For my part I am glad he has taken the Cold meat, Indian picl
decisive step-it must have come sooner or later; but the representa- I never but once tried
tion of the chief English University is no light honour to a statesman,
and that he is ready to relinquish even that is a strong proof of M. Then I praised a swee
GLADSTONE'S sincerity. I have all along prophesied that he would That Paris spoon bone
be found leading the real Liberals before many years had passed. Fell a prey to the hun
But gracious goodness how he has startled Fogydom, and Torydom, When tired of the bac
and Whigdom A stream of lava in Pall Mall, a crater in the hall I married, and lived in
of the Carlton, could not have been more volcanic in their effects than Then the wonderful fe
this speech. Well done, GLADSTONE We'll see what can be done For my bride-cake was
for the people now! A very nice disgrace to the nation, by the way, I know that the toffee
this Black Eagle presentation to the PRINCE ALFRED! Everybody Akn the t Mofe
grumbles at it, but does nobody ask how it was that the Prince was And the best Mocha c
subjected to the insult ? Who sent him over to the court of the My sticks and umbrella
Royal Butcher ? I leave you to answer the question for yourselves. Lie engulfed in the st
In the meantime just look at our Danish lily clothed in mourning, The threats that I utt
amid all our court festivities. It is all very well to talk about near And the instant destre
relatives, but don't you think she puts on those sable weeds with a I'd give notice to leav
deeper meaning ? Sle is mourning for her nation. What a very But my wife said, D
strong chain there must be about the bulldog's neck, or at such a I think next day,
sight as that he would be showing fight, I feel-certain. How much I hooka the w as sa
longer will it be possible to hold England back ? Not many days My hookah was smash
after the failure of the Conference-fail it must-is announced. In my wrath I demand
Apropos of the Conference, I see DESANGES, the painter of that Quoth my wife, "Don'
capital Victoria Cross gallery, is to portray the Plenipotentiaries. Don't think for an ins
What will he call the picture ? I should suggest the "Benighted of -But she ate up my pr
the Round Table," or Arguers in Circle." She was blamed for a t
OF all the off-shoots of the Tercentenary, the most deserving is the Like Republican hero
scheme of the SHAKESPEARE schools, in connection with the Dramatic My wife's dainty botti
College. I hope it will be carried out, for it will be next to a "Like corn sheaves in
national theatre and training academy. It is the best idea yet started Then a few paper coll
for a monument of the great poet. Thank goodness, we shall not have Were suddenly mission.
that threatened one, for the only performance that has brought in You must know though
the committee a shilling, I hear, is the entertainment given by the Enormously weighty,
artists which I noticed some weeks back. The theatres were con- Now I was the camel,
siderably counted on to swell the sum-a very small one-at the foot And her scant console
of the subscription list. It seems that even Dukes of Manchester
and editors of Athenancus cannot persuade people to support a job. I And my wife-she's a
hope the lesson won't be thrown away. Who can make cigare
She came to the rescue
Wn- will theatrical people squabble so, and why, if they must With "HAL, don't be
squabble, will they insist on rushing into print ? A very pretty series
of rows can be recorded since the beginning of the year, and they Disposed though I was
are not ended yet. Perhaps the best thing that has been done in I thought these things
this way is the production at the St. James's of a piece of the Though their troubles
lamented DION BOCCICAULT'S, under circumstances apparently Yet the world's popular
rendered purposely disadvantageous. The manager who has the wit, For the QUEEN in her
pluck, and capital to bring out a play with a special view to its con- The saucy flirt ALICE
damnation by the public, really deserves to succeed-no, I don't MESSRS. BELLEW and
mean succeed, because that is not what he wishes-I mean deserves And Mincing-lane mer
to fail to his heart's content.
The sailors who swear
LET me recommend those who admire good painting, and desire to And the betting men t
do a charitable action, to visit the Scandinavian Gallery. There are The rich Indian nabob
some capital specimens of foreign art there, and the proceeds of the As well as your servan
exhibition go to aid the widows and children of the Danish soldiers
who fall in the present war. A rumour which bore on that war has You have heard of the
been recently contradicted, and the contradiction being favourable to Who lives in the palace
the cause of Denmark I quote it gladly. There is no truth in the Like his butler and va
statement that the E.UPERORS OF AUSTRIA and RUSSIA have met at The most noble the mm
a certain continental town, or are going to do so. The CZAR does not When you meet on thi
fbel inclined to KISS-INGEN and make it up again. Whose plumes proclaim
OP course we shall all meet on Epsom Downs. I really cannot Don't sigh for one leave
formally accept any of the numerous offers of pigeon-pie and For he's really not dea
champagne which have poured into the FUN Office for me. But I When the fell hand of
shall be there, and being gifted with great capacities, I will visit as And your rudely-crusl
many drags as I can conveniently manage, for I can't bear to dis- Don't blazon your grief
appoint people. As for the gloves which so many young ladies offer For the lodgers are ch
to bet, what am I to say ? I know exactly which horse is going to Then let your hopes p
win (no! I'm not going to divulge it), and of course should be Then etyour hopes
bound in gallantry to bet against it, and even the colossal salary of Where the cherished
the Luncher would not be adequate to the satisfaction of such a And bravely defying t
demand. Let us patiently wait


)THING BUT LODGERS.
ip-post, though like BANTING, too fat,
heard of the Lodging-house Cat;
o partial to brandy,
kles, and white sugar-candy.
my hand at a sonnet,
t face in a Paris spoon bonnet;
let, two lovely hair plaits,
ger of lodging-house cats.
helor world and its dodgings,
Genteel furnished lodgings;
line left off catching rats,
Seaten by lodging-house cats.
for which baby roared,
offee my purse could afford,
as, two felt donkey hats,
omach of lodging-house cats.
ered were not deep but loud,
action of Pussy" I vowed;
e, and abuse Mas. ROGERS,
don't, HARRY, we're nothing but lodgers."
or the day after that,
ed by the-naughty word-cat;
ded to see Mns. ROGERS,
't be hasty, we're nothing but lodgers."
tant the feline I'd libel,
Lyer-book and family Bible;
ea-pot that suddenly vanished,
by BUONAPARTE banished.
nes were the next things to go,
flood-time swept off by the Po;"
ars, a Dundreary cravat,
g. 'Twas, "Please, sir, the cat:'
,h the camel will carry a pack
the last straw breaks his back;
the last straw DAME ROGERS,
tion, Why, you're nothing but lodgers."
darling, thorough-bred Hieland body,
ttes, and brews capital toddy-
Sof naughty DAME ROGERS,
hasty, we're nothing but lodgers."
s with DAME ROGERS to quarrel,
Pointed a beautiful moral;
assume not the shape of DAME RcOGERS,
,tion are nothing but lodgers.
palace, the peer in his hall,
at party or ball,
i SPURGEON, and Whitechapel dodgers,
chants, are nothing but lodgers.
by "the fierce rolling tide,"
hronging the court of ST. BRIDE,
s, those funny old codgers,
t, are nothing but lodgers.
SMarquis that's Westminster styled,
:e that BECKFORD once piled;
let, and labourer ROGER,
marquis is only a lodger.
e highway the funeral hearse,
n loudly our primeval curse,
ring the world and its lodgings,
d, though he's quitted his lodgings.
death lays some darling one low,
hed hopes languish long neathh the blow,
ef to mock friendly beholders,
anged to eternal freeholders.
oint to that great silent land,
departed to welcome us stand;
he world and its dodgings,
till we too leave our lodgings.


WHAT IS BETTER THAN A DERBY TiP ?-Why the Derby tipple AN OLD SAW RESET.- For et pryterea nihil.- The French
-champagne! Pop! Chamber.









MAY 28, 1864.]


FU lN.


PAST AND PRESENT.
SOME fifty years ago there came,
Across the English Sea
The challenge of a conqueror
To the sons of liberty.
The angry hum of mighty war
Trembled around the height;
The clang of preparation
Broke out upon the night.
Like hounds in leash, with mouths agape
For the master-huntsman's sign,
Under the cliff there loomed out
The great flotilla line.
He who had cut the nations down
With cold ambition's steel-
He who had ground the empires
Under his iron heel-
Now to and fro was pacing,
With a scowl upon his face;
His hand was clenched-he had inly sworn
To crush the island race.
He had trodden down a continent,
And made the princes slaves;
But he hath reached a boundary-
A narrow belt of waves.
He threatened warriors who walked
In the blaze of freedom's light;
Up they sprang and harnessed them,
To battle for the right.
Upon-the wind that swept his cheek
Was haughty answer borne;
The very billows seemed to wear
Cressets of angry scorn.
From many a hill the beacon-fires.
Reddened the broad white sand;
And the people gathered to declare
That they would keep the land.
Out from the east, out from the west,
Impetuously they start.
"Come if you dare !" was the reply
Of every English heart.
Three hundred thousand volunteers
Guarded the "pale-faced" shore;
Behind them, eager for a leap,
Three hundred thousand more.
The pulse of one was the pulse of all,
In that heroic band;
Each soldier felt a thrill of force
Creep down to his nervous hand.
To him who chained a world, they threw
The Lion's dauntless gage;
Was not the word Invincible
Their storied heritage ?
Time passed-the spoiler turned away,
Gnawing his nether lip;
He dared not thrust his myrmidons
Into the mastiff's grip.
He dared not break his thousands
Against a brazen wall ;
So the fierce, hot wine ef threatening
Was turned into gall.
And now, as then, the English blood
With ancient impulse runs;
The mantle of the fathers,
Hath descended to the sons.
No power ventureth to strike
At the Island of the Free;
They know that a granite empire
Is set in the Northern Sea.
But after a while her children said,
Why fold our idle hands ?
Why tempt an enemy to stain
The silver of our sands ?"


As the wild boar grindeth out his tusks
Against the forest trees;
So let us stand with sword in hand,
To'guard our liberties."
And the men of Devon led the way,
As in the olden time;
'Twas ever thus-great hearts have they
Who people the Western clime.
With warriors of the hearth-side
The grand old country fills;
They spring from out her valleys,
They pour from the Scottish hills.
True it is that thousands missed
The glory of the trust;
Men there were who took up arms
To trail them in the dust.
But the vanity that forced them on
Impelled them back again;
And now the serried lines are full
Of sinew, heart, and brain.
From time to time the substance
Hath shouldered out the shade;
The true hard work hath proved the stuff
Of what true men are made.
Down the hill in compact form
The strong battalions pour;
Surely such a gallant host
Was never seen before.
They tread it out with a martial tramp
As they file down the street;
There is large majestic promise
In the echoes of their feet.
Upon the pureness of the gold
England hath set her seal;
The temper of the men is true
As the finest welded steel.
No other land hath guards like these,
Ready for any chance;
Guards who would face a hostile world,
And dare them to advance.

Bless your 'art
HERE'S a curious slip in a description of one of MILLAIS' pictures
in the Royal Academy this year:
Portraits of two little girls, evidently sisters, -who, dressed in red velvet, and
with bunches of primroses, lilies, and violets in their hands, are setting upon a
green carpet."
Such bad English requires "sitting upon," for the blunder about the
verb is one of the be-setting sins of the uneducated. If the picture
had not represented the artist's daughters, we might have set down
the sentence as a joke about "setting sons,"-ot-settera. Wo hope
the writer will set a better example when next he sits down to write.

Locke on the Understanding.
No less than two hundred and sixty-seven thousand ladies, accord-
ing to the latest published returns, have applied to GARIBALDI for
locks of hair. We shall see the key to this application for LocK's on
understanding that they all think the General a regular clipper."

The Suspension of Arms.
THERE came a lull, complete and calm,
'Midst war, and war's fell deeds;
Pray heaven it may not prove to be
That lull which storms precedes.

A FITTING ORDER FOR THE POWERS OF DARKNEss.-The Order
of the Black Eagle.
PALMAM QUI-NON-MERUIT FERAT.-We see that POIT-CAPTAIN
TEGETTnHOF-rather an appropriate name, by the way-who com-
manded the Austrian squadron off-or rather into-Heligoland, during
the recent encounter with the Danes, is, by order of the EMPEROB, to
be made a vice-admiral, in recognition of his brave exploit I" His
full title will of course be Vice-Admiral of the Fleet.


1 (10









SFUN. [MAY 28, 1864.


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a-'-

*_-----;zi-

EVI.L SPEAKING-A FACT.
Spilt and exasperated Coster :-" 'SPOSE YOU CALLS HERSELF A COACHMAN ? TELL Y' WOT I CALLS YER, a confounded cartoosn-THERE !"


A Re-marquis-able Man.
THE MARQUIS DB BOISSY is a very noisy pirty. He has been
making what Mss. BROWN calls a pretty how-d'ye-do" in the Corps
Legislatlf because the PRINCE OF WALES visited GARIBALDI at
Stafford House. He spoke of the subject-but no, the Prince can't,
be his subject-well he mentioned His Royal Highness in such terms
that the members present expressed their disapprobation loudly.
Whereupon said the Marquis:-
I am told that I am wrong in speaking thus. I admit one thing-that I am
not quite master of myself at this moment; but it is none the less true that princes
who offer the hand to revolution are always its victims. (Agitation.)"
He is not quite master of himself! We know that the man who is
his own lawyer has a fool for his client, and are glad to hear the
Marquis has not got a fool for his master, though how any but a fool
would own him is a mystery to us.

An Ice Bit of Writing.
THE art critic of an illustrious and illustrated contemporary, in
speaking of Sin EDWIN LANDSEER'S polar picture, writes some
English that is not quite as clear as the artist's ice :-
"Those are human ribs protruding blanched and bare from summer heat and
birds of prey."
Without any ribaldry, we would ask the meaning of this north-
west passage upon the ice. When is there any summer heat in the
Arctic regions, and could ribs protrude from it if it existed ? Then
again, as regards human ribs protruding from birds of-pray what
do you mean, Mr. Critic ?

CERTAINLY NOT.-We know a young lady who is very exacting
towards her "intended," as regards gloves, tickets for the opera,
etc., etc.; and of whom, at any rate, it cannot be said "she never
tolled her love."


ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
W E. GLADSTONE, of Downing-street, begs to announce to the
public in general, and his numerous friends and admirers in
particular, that he shortly intends embarking in an entirely new line of
political business; and in addition to his financial transactions, with
which hitherto his time has been solely occupied, he purposes opening
an additional department at St. Stephen's, for the supply of Reform
speeches, either wholesale or retail. Town and country franchise
orders will be attended to with promptness and despatch, and W. E. G.
hopes ere long to be able to produce an article, the comprehensive
range of which shall not only defy all competition, but shall place the
desired vote in the hands of all classes without any exception whatever.
While entering on this (for him) apparently unexpected step, W. E. G.
takes the present opportunity of explaining the reasons by which he has
been actuated. Anticipating, as all must, the speedy dissolution of the
long-established firm of PALMERSTON, RUSSELL, and Co., with which
he is at present connected, the advertiser thinks it would be as well
to open a new political branch on his own account, and one which has
of late been too much neglected by his colleagues, in order that he
may have a something to fall back upon. So soon, therefore, as the
expected dissolution of the firm shall take place, W. E. G. will be able
to turn his whole attention to the Reform department, and more parti-
cularly to the benefit of the working man, for whose comforts, as instance
his tea and tobacco reductions, he has always been so solicitous.
N.B.-No connection with the DERBY-DIsRAELI party over the way.

Latest Intelligence.
THE Whitsuntide holidays having liberated from restraint the
opinion of MASTERS SMITH and JONES, of Denmark-hill Academy,
a Conference took place, and a reference to a domestic ymnnasium
being the immediate result, a suspension of arms and a dangling of
legs was mutually agreed upon.


106








FUN.-MAY 28, 1864.


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POLITICAL AUNT SALLY.

Ben.:-" HI! HI! NOW MY NOBLE TORY SPORTSMEN, 'ERE YER HAR! ALL THIE FUN OF THE
SESSION, AND ONLY A PENNY A DOZEN !"




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