• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Fun
 September 19, 1863
 September 26, 1863
 October 3, 1863
 October 10, 1863
 October 17, 1863
 October 24, 1863
 October 31, 1863
 November 7, 1863
 November 14, 1863
 November 21, 1863
 November 28, 1863
 December 5, 1863
 December 12, 1863
 December 19, 1863
 December 26, 1863
 January 2, 1864
 January 9, 1864
 January 16, 1864
 January 23, 1864
 January 30, 1864
 February 6, 1864
 February 13, 1864
 February 20, 1864
 February 27, 1864
 March 5, 1864
 March 12, 1864
 Index
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00005
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00005
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Page iii
        Page iv
    Fun
        Page 1
    September 19, 1863
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    September 26, 1863
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    October 3, 1863
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    October 10, 1863
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    October 17, 1863
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    October 24, 1863
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
    October 31, 1863
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
    November 7, 1863
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
    November 14, 1863
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 89
        Page 90
    November 21, 1863
        Page 91
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
    November 28, 1863
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
    December 5, 1863
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
    December 12, 1863
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
    December 19, 1863
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
    December 26, 1863
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 152
    January 2, 1864
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 159
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 162
    January 9, 1864
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
    January 16, 1864
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
    January 23, 1864
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
    January 30, 1864
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
    February 6, 1864
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
    February 13, 1864
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
    February 20, 1864
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
    February 27, 1864
        Page 235
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
    March 5, 1864
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
    March 12, 1864
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
    Index
        Page 261
        Page 262
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text































jj
Yi

















jlP
















































































- ~-?-I-~--- -

-- -~---_-


LONDON:


PRINTED AND PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS) BY CIARLES WIIYTE,

80, FLEET STREET, E.C.


a

rLP.


^
fe.^


f























>~


VERYTHING was settled-except the chairman's cravat and the question what the monument was to bo.
The former had become one-sided, and the latter had not become de-cided, but both were at that momnut on
the point of being arranged by a show of hands. Never had a more amicable meeting been known. The
meeting had agreed with the chairman, the chairman had agreed with the secretary, the secretary had
agreed with the committee, the committee had agreed to a dinner, the dinner had agreed with the committee, nnd the
wines had agreed with both. The auditors had found even the accounts agree, and quite a SIIAKESPERIAN coucordltnce
prevailed. The nature of the monument alone awaited decision.
This was a question of form.
Should it be a temple, an obelisk, a statue, a picture, a drinking fountain, an ahnshouse, or a schoolroom 1
Should it be in the east, west, north, south, or central division of the metropolis ? Shall it be of bronze, of iron, or of
stone 1 Shall it be an oaken carving or a leaden pump 1 Shall it be represented by a hewer of wood or a drawer of
water I
This wae a material consideration.
It had been proposed that the anniversary of the utterance of the Three Hundredth Joke of Mn. JosoE'II MILEIrT
should be commemorated by the joker's countrymen and admirers, and that a permanent record of the evident effect which
that eminent individual had produced on the light literature of his native land, should be raised in a conspicuous part of
the metropolis. Subscription lists had been opened, and the smallest jokes that had appeared thereon had been thankfully
acknowledged by the secretary. All were Hi-larious, O-bliging, and U-nanimous, and in no other form was the L (). U.
presented.
The Chairman now begged to call the attention of the meeting to the Report of the Site Committee.
It was suggested by a subscriber that as they took a different side they ought to be called the Oppo-sita Conmittee.
The Committee protested they could not see anything in the suggestion.
The subscriber remarked if that were the case he considered the Committee's site could not be very good.
The Chairman called the subscriber to "order," when the subscriber asked what the Chairman would like to have.
He remembered two gentlemen once disputing about politics in BUTTON'S coffee-house; one of them said---
The Chairman wished to put him in mind--
The subscriber observed, it did put him in mind of that smart reply which was made when an English gentleman
asked SI RIOHARD STEELE, who was an Irishman-
The Chairman thought-
The subscriber said, so did the Oxford scholars, when meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler, they fell to
bantering-
The Chairman said it occurred to him--


I:_ I









iv PREFACE.


The subscriber begged to deny it. The idea occurred to a merry, drolling fellow, who, passing one day through
Stock's market, met with a page--
Several subscribers here shouted out, "Page forty-five !" and on a reference to the volume the anecdote was found
there recorded, the leaf being considerably thumbed and dog's-eared. In the midst of the numerous jests that were
immediately related by everybody to the meeting, without being in any way related to the subject of discussion, the
point of the one referred to by the original speaker was submitted without an amendment, and lost by a large majority.
The Report of the Site Committee was then read. They had come to a conclusion-
The Chairman was proceeding to pass a vote of thanks to himself for his able conduct in the chair, when the
secretary explained, and the Site Committee continued.
The conclusion they had come to was, that a fitting monument to commemorate the Three Hundredth Joke of Ma.
JOSEPH MiLLEn should be one that could be seen by everybody, no matter in what part of the world they were. The
place they had therefore chosen was an eligible position between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand. They
proposed for the material which should be used, that substance which had been employed in producing the finest worls
in this country. A judicious combination of paper and printer's ink, the Committee believed, would enable the memorial
to endure for ever. (Great cheering from a printer and a paper manufacturer.) To'preserve it from the effects of rough
usage, they would recommend encasing the memorial in crimson cloth. (A voice-" Then the inside and outside will be
both red !" and cries of JOE MILLER !") And they further recommended that on the cover should be inscribed these
words, indicative of the work being left in the hands of the people:-

FUN-VOL. V.
Need it be added the Report was universally adopted 1


-----------












F M ---------__-^^
I I -


Knight having struck down, as ho imagined, tie hereditary foitrnan of
C omic t itOritC 0, rat riE. his race, finding that he had bestowed what the Irish (.erm a topper
for luck on a rich and choleric uncle, to whoso domainst he looked for
a prospective share! It was to avoid such dreadlfl trials to human
30che ff~rstc, fortitude that PHILPll. THE FALCONERI ordered that in battl l every
CHAPTER 1. knight should wear sonmo peculiar cognizance, whereby Ih miight be
SOfME writers on Heraldry who have plied the pickaxe of research known and, if his credit were good, trusted.
in the mouldy caverns of antiquity, digging so deeply into the subject In the Crusades the warriors adopted in many instaiines a croes,
that they have gone completely through the whole and come out the and their actions but too frequently corresponded with their cogni-
other side, place the origin of the science as far back as the Flood. zances, being very often on the cross, and no t at all upon1 the square ;
They assert that NoAH was the first possessor of a coat of arms. But escallops, which had nothing to do with scalloped oye;lers, but, wero
in these COLENSO times, when the eye of the sceptic is so often drawn shells much worn by pilgrims, a class of gentry averse to Hlmllitg out
down by the wink of suspicion, we decline to accept this waterproof of any kind; and martlets, small birds usually born by younger sonsI
specimen of heraldic tailoring as conclusive evidence of the antiquity to show that they wcro fly to most, things; besides nuInerous other
of the science. Nevertheless, if we may believe the words of HOMER, devices denoting that tho pious knights went fortih 1 thrash lho
the poet of the siege of troy-a city which, like modern medicine, was Paynim by way of payin' iln out for not being a Chiristian.
considerably shaken before it was taken, he tells us that the heroes IIALLAM, whose I history of the Constitution proves his own must hlve
engaged in that war had various devices painted on their shields, been a remarkably tough one to have mastered so dry a stlbject, plact(es
From this we gather that the armour of the combatants, like his the first regular blazoning of arms in the twelfth century, when
account of the siege, was very highly coloured; he being notorious for Heraldry may be said to have made its bow to tan aIldiring public.
laying it on extremely thick. That being a warlike ago, it was, of course, received with opln arms.
Open your eyes, blow your noses, don't breathe on the heraldic Hereditary coats of arms are not, however, found Ibefore the beginning
glasses, and make way for a conqueror, for here comes ALEXANDER of the sixteenth century-a proof that up to that titm very nma stood
THE GREAT, who fell victim to his strict adherence to anti-temperance on his own footing, and ho who stepped into his father's lhoIC had
principle. He granted to his favourite captains various badges to be to find his own coat.
worn on their armour as rewards for valour. Like modern cabmen Thus Heraldry arose, and so necessary was a knowledge of it, con-
and omnibus drivers, no one could take his place in the rank without sidered, that some book on the subject was considered one of t hose
his badge, and the bravest warriors were thus (h)all marked. These works "without which no gentleman's library was complal:e ; and
badges were strictly copyright, and anyone who was guilty, to use the we hope that ere we have done with the science, everyone ofL our
words of a Mosaic celebrity, of the untradesmanlike falsehood" of readers will be able to blazon, not only his own arms, blut all i his
imitating them, or even stating that it was the same concern," was legs, or, in fact, any part of himself, according to the taste and fancy
very liable to receive that peculiar kind of reminder which is gone- of the owner.
rally characterized as one for himself and a little one in from the party
aggrieved. A SIGN OF TIHE TIMES.
To descend, however, from the mountains of tradition, where feats THE LonD MAYOR has been publicly complaining thati, prisoners,
like the Parthenon at Athens are but two often founded on a crop o' knowing he is a Mason of the Ancient and Acceptw l d ordlr, will mako
lies, into the level plains of historical truth, we find-that PHILIP TiHE signs to him. We cannot help thinking the caso would have bocn
FALCONER, Emperor of Germany, A.D. 920-no relation, therefore, to better laid before the authorities of the society. II ill-dcrs nmay
the lessee of Drury Lane Theatre-planted the first seed of the claim exemption by proving themselves masons, the builders are
heraldic tree by the establishment of a law regulating tournaments. going on a wrong foundation. If not, there is no necessity to bother
At these knightly games, which were practised daily, each of the the public with a grievance which does not concern ltheim. Thlo Lot
warriors was cased in iron from head to foot-a very stiff binding, and MAYOR having been a mason before li arrived at tie chitIf magistracy,
one which was not infrequently illustrated by steel cuts. Not even ought to have known that his oflico would be no sign-ccure."
their faces were visible ; or, as an old writer on tie subject aptly
describes it, Behinde ye ironne pottes (meaning the helmets) onno
colde notto see ye mugges." Without some method of distinguishing SLIGHTLY ArPi'oPRuiATF.-A shareholder in thio Great Eastern Rail-
a friend from an enemy the most awkward mistakes might have way last week had an addition to his family. Singular to relate, the
arisen; as, for instance, fancy the feelings of a young and ardent child was born with a caul.

VOL. v. B










FUN 7T.


o


[SEPTEMBER 19, 1863.


LA BELLE DAME AUX MOLLETS.
A Hint from La Belle Dame sans Merci.
A BALLET BALLAD.
LIST what befell a mademoiselle,
A short time since in France,
Who at the Gait6 was engaged
To show her gait-a dance.
And since rehearsal must be had
To see how she would do,
The manager at once took steps
That she might take them too.
But when she sprang upon the boards,
lie started and cried, ''Zounds '
She dances well, but then her legs
Are quite beyond all bounds !
"Their size will clearly mar her pas:
And further, too," said he,
Who would a salary expect
With such a leg as-see ? "
So then he wrote a little note,
Which did her talent grant,
But hinted she had too much leg
To bhe quite e.leog-ant.
It said the public would not come
Her dancing feat to view;
And so that capers, from that source,
Were not a pas te-do.
And therefore his opinion was,
All metaphor to doff,
That the engagement-and her legs-
Had better both be off."
But mademoiselle would not permit
Jler skill to be aspersed,
Nor lot her talents buried be
Though they had been re-hearsed.
So to a lawyer straight she goes,
And information begs
About tlat law for ballet-girls
Called 'Talionis Legs.
.At the Tribunal of the Seine
An action she begins;
And there, to try the point, she made
A stand upon upon her pins.
She vowed the manager his word
Had broken just for whims.
ITo said no contract could be made
With such expansive limbs.
Sho said a log, not like a peg,
A dancer suited most,
And ventured to assert that hers
Was equal to the post.
Said she, The stage in his support
No argument affords ;
It is not meant that only sticks
Should go upon the boards !"
The judges in her favour gave,
And she the trial won-
Because the manager had not
A leg to stand upon.
They saddled him with debt and costs-
lie vowed it was too bad.
"This same tribunal of the Seine,"
Said he, has sure gone mad! "
And when his friends for his distress
And rago the reason begged,
lie only gave a ghastly grin
And said he had been legged."


A BAI,-A.anors Pa.RCTCE.-Sheep-shearing in cold weather.


LOOKS INTO BOOKS.
BY A LATTERDAY REVIEWER.
(To be Continued Spasmodically.)
.-.--- UR library floor-say our library
table-is so highly heaped with
,r volumes, that we must literally, as
well as literary-ly, wade through
books before we can write our
'. i notice. We take up a few at
f .' i'- .1 ; random. A s(h)ingle volume,
.' entitled, "A Book for the Beach,"
.J '' 1 comes to hand. We open it, shore
,.T \t '.I.r..l' of finding something interesting.
.,r, We fail to discover in it any com-
'. .' .- mon object with those on the sea-
Sshore. We therefore wave the
/ f K subject and the second volume.
,_ .."P-i The next book is in verse, and
S' by a lady or gentleman (for the
.. reviewers differ on this point, and
it's sex to one and half-a-dozen to
the other), called JEAN INGELOW. As there is a grain of true poetry in
it, we shall not attempt chaff. Our readers should give it a corn-er
in their libraries.
"Left to Themselves" we found written on the back of three
volumes, and we did not, therefore, interfere with their retirement, to
which we considered they had a title.
False Positions we discovered in that shelf of our library which
is "on the line," and we naturally removed them.
Having learnt that GUY LVIINGSTONE had been sent by some
adventurous publishers, who adventured money where he adventured
his neck, to write a book on the Southern States of America, we
opened "Border and Bastile" with some interest. We found the
Border very applicable to the large margin which we have to give
for the truth of the hairbreadth escapes,-the Bastile exactly
descriptive of the cell experienced by those who read the book in
hopes of learning something of the South.
A novel forwarded to us has been Twice Lost," and we really
don't mean to take the trouble of looking for it a third time.
We have read MR. AINSWORTa'S last novel, and we consider our-
selves justified in calling the task a Cardinal Pole tax. And we
have tried to read MR. OWEN MEREDITHI'S-or any other man's-story,
called the "Ring of Amasis," and we can only say it amasis us, to
ring a change on the accents.
We have just skimmed "The Cream of a Life." More in our next.


JOE MILLERISMS OF THE SUBMARINE TELEGRAPH COMPANY.
THE following is from the money article of the Times of Tuesday
last:-
"TELSEGlAr FROm StYDnmy T O SSR. L. 1IsRRYT AND Co., or LONDON.
"Market unaltered decline probable market very active limit land ten Mans-
field one Spence two yourselves sold hundred."
This remarkable piece of subaqueous intelligence has, fair enough,
puzzled its recipients not a little. That the ubiquitous SPENCE, of
Russophobian tendencies, should appear conglomerated with absurd
statements about limited land, and (a presumed) interference with
some "other Mans"-field, is not very surprising ; but the astounding
information that an unaltered market is very active, and a decline
probable, coupled with the alarming words "yourselves sold," ad-
dressed to a free Briton-or rather a company of free Britons-
deserves consideration in these anti-slavery days. The word
"hundred," which concludes this "strange story," singularly enough
reminds the reader of the very remarkable discovery made by the
POET LAURIEATE in his lines on the Balaklava charge; it not having
occurred, even to the poet CLOSE, that blunder'd" was the correct
word wherewith to obtain a perfect rhyme to the word in question.
We wait a solution; and, meanwhile, recommend the MERRY men
who deal in such funny telegrams, to become contributors to, and
purchasers of, our facetious periodical, as we can promise to supply
ihem with a similar article at a much lower rate of charge. Three
pounds was the price of the telegram.

VERY STRA'NGE..-The extraordinary facilities for locomotion in the
present day are the cause of strange sights. Only the day before
yesterday, at a quarter-past four, we saw Bolt-court running into
Fleet-street!


_I~ __


-










SEPTEMBER 19, 1863.]


:FU-- .


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 55.-StR FRANK CROSSLEY, BART., M.P.
SR. FRANK CROSSLEY may be described, as an important subject on
the taopis. He, with his father-before him, has managed one of the
largest, carpet manufactories in Yorkshire. Adopting the motto
Oarpe(t) diem," he has.taken time by the forelock, and seizing him
thus "red-handed," has bean made a baronet,
ERANK CaossLEY wasborn at Halifax, in the year 1817. At that time-
the business he was afterwards to inherit, although the property of an.
individual, was .a.firm one. The fates, who wove his destiny and his
carpets, would not permit his young mind, to be warped in a woof-ul
manner by straightened circumstances. The trade of a weaver,
howe(a)ver, is generally considered a prosperous and generous one,
as may be gathered from the following lines from one of the plaintive
ditties, of Ethippia:-
"* \'>: 1-, t\ :,',U ".L' r. t, ..: -,:-,'.:., 'rTl ,
S Ie I :t .. .. .. .. .. I.. 'r
Again, what more common expression is there among capitalists than
We've made money." ?
By s,(h)ubtle degrees FRANK CROSSLEY has amassed a princely
fortune, which may be said to loom large. It will be needless to
follow the thread of his story very closely, and we may content ourselves.
with the fact that by shear industry he cut himself out profitable
work, so that, his, game of life has. not been noughtss and
GC Oss(L)EYS",s'
II- 1815, his marriage was announced as on the tapis. He wedded
a lady of Kidderminster, a delicate compliment to the excellency of
the manufactures of the town. Between you, gentle reader, our-
selvesy.and the post-master of the place, we may say that the wedding
was a very grand one, and that the town, to show it, went hand and
glove with Mit. CROSSLEY-becoming white Kid-derminster for the.
nonce.
In 1852 he determined to enter the House, and accordingly stood
for Halifax, and was returned. For this place-which, with Hull and
a third place beginning with H, is the subject of aspirations (for
deliverance from it and its two companion localities)-MR. CROSSLEY
continued to sit for the space of seven years. After sitting so long,
no wonder lie cried sat" as regarded this representation, and took
his seat for a Riding. The West .Riding of Yorkshire was, therefore,
his next constituency, which may be looked upon as a mount in his
fortunes, for he is the successor of such men as WILiliEROIICE,,
BROUGenA, and COBDEN, who were knights of the West Riding inl
their day.
MR. CRossLEY is a Liberal of the advanced school-a supporter of
reform and the ballot, and an opponent of religious endowments. As
a speaker lie is plain, and to the point. His style can hardly be
called oratory, but yet we could wish that some of our M.P.'s would
study it, and learn to speak CROSSL(E)Y instead of good-naturedly ;
for everyone knows good nature is considered identical with folly.
MR. CiOSSLEY has always been a lion among the Exeter Hall folks.
If you are weak enough to attend May meetings you may meet him.
He is also affected with a slight softening of the brain (from the
presence of water in it), which is known charitably as teetotalism.
The head-quarters of the society which is permitted to propagate the
disease, is at Earlswood, we believe.
MR. CROSSLEY has been a generous friend to the working man, to
whom he has presented a park at Halifax. Such actions as this induce
one to pardon the weakness to which we have just alluded.
Last year it was determined, although SIm FRANK is no carpet-
knight, to create him a baronet. Few men have better deserved the
distinction, and even the most fastidious could see nothing to carp at
in the carpet-manufacturer's rise. We may observe here, ,, i .... 1 the
statement has nothing to do with a statesman, that his manufactures
are generally held to be excellent, and that, although often taken up I
and beaten, they are seldom surpassed.
SIc FRANK CROSSLmiEY is one of those men of whom England may
fairly be proud. A liberal-minded gentleman, who has risen to dis-
tinction and affluence by his own exertions, but who remains true to
his principles, undazzled by honours and unspoilt by wealth ; a sound
politician, an active philanthropist, and a thorough man of business,
ho belongs to an aristocracy which does not solely rely upon births or
berths, like the aristocracy which boasts of GREYS and ELLIO'IS; for
that, like madness, is hereditary-and incurable.


So IT APPEARS.-PROFESSOR PEPPER is able to give such unmixed
pleasure to large numbers by his apparition, that he may be looked
on as quite a (g)host in himself.
WHo's Wis o?-Who!


AN AWFUL DEPRESSION OF SPIRITS,
AN AlRoros JEU e'EsPeIr.
SCENE (being the tnost ,omic imagiitable), a Clttrc.lvlard. TIru:
(crronmeously called midiigi ht), 1 a.m. 1','sent, C.A'rAIN Toa"'lyly.oue
C.S.R.V. aed R.S.V.P. Th'e clock strikes 1.
T. T.-Ahl! une hour! I have translate so many piece, from
ze French zat I have almost forgot my native tong. Olh! ynas,
oti4! What to do ? Iold, I havro one idea to me. (Produces hli
note-book.) I sal write a-what ze call--a little burlesque on iz
spirits. Oh! gay! PErPP'i--zat will make ono good joke. I zall,oall
hinm K1 EPER. lie0 sail lie lh IORACE. OVm.IGN. And Dliii es-hln hm.!
othor-joke. I zal call hiim WiKs, and lie zal bo M. A'mKINs. And I
zal vindicate ze English drama--bil what is lie thailt comit? Oh(!
dew. It is one spectre. Really Veratihlyinent! WILLIAMS!
GuosT or SHAKSPrEARE.-Well, MRi. TAYi'LOr, amd }low are yonttlii;
morning?
T. T.-What for you no speak zo blank verse, eli, miy divine
WILLIAMS, Swatnolavon ?
G. or S.-Do you think fellowniust always talk shop out oif hlbsiles.,'
hours ? I happened to be taking in early constitutional, and, scoin!i.
you, I thought I'd stop for a little chalt.
'I'. T.-Oh yaas.
G. of S.-The fact is, MR. TAI O1.01, I don't exactly like the way in
which I've been treated lately.
T. T.-Alh! zat is by Fl'rirrmn '-- ze ,'r lenelnmin audacious!
G. OF S.-Not at all, sir. SMi. l'l: ri rin is a p l'rfel genltleitann, aind
aI very admirable actor; and I hnve suclih nn extreme personal regardl
for himi that I shall certainly advise himi not to accept, daily piecou
written by you.
'1T. T.-Ohli.! zcn it is S rI.:LA Cot..s, zo pert young woman.
G. or S.-Let me rccominiond you, M u. 'T.iVIo, not to speak disre-
spectfully of that young lady, who iisa itmo intelli;tnt, n1id thleisntiniiii
actress. No, sir what I ratilly oijectI to is t.i"' mai irc in whi(lih i
good many Englishmlen ara doiigL homlage to mny 1iintory," yourmllf
amongst the number. I will only mention two tsest'. ln Il list,
place, I very strongly object. to lthe 'onlnitlt 'tc' which i ts soliciting sub-
scriptions in my name for tihe oiteinsibio purpose ofi doing t e honour.
I know I am leada, but lihat's really no r: ison whiy I lihouli hlie oiiln-
tatiously patronized by MRi. 11 H1itimiIr IttL)|N anld Sit W:Nt olsT it
DII.iKE. In the second place, 1 m(i,t dileciddilly dii approvoi ot' the
manner in which you, and the like oft' yu. coittiitl y identify your-
selves with l mo as Blritlishl (dlatiiliskl. 'lIl lIril ish drailn sir, it delnd.
Do you think 1. should have written plls ill 1863(11? Not a hit of' it,;
1 should have brought out a three-vol iumd noveIl.
T. T.-But., WILI.IA.MS, lave you roead Sill lial'rs /tt I D[)p ?
G. oF S.-Yes, iir, and a very good plily i, is; bui, I nin also
acquainted with the Frencih hinngmage, and I liplip n to kni1w lie
original. Good morning, sir. 1 hopti these few reilarks mniy do you
good. You needn't take your hal, oil I .,it.
T. T.-That lhe is droll, this old WILLIAMus I iznl Iput, hlil in imy
little burlesque, An A "fital D)pur'.:sit,,. of Sp'irits. Ol yaas.



"011! WHAT A FALLING OFF WAS 'I'llER !"
AT the Welsh Eisteddfod, th e twelvt ) ste lyric ongs
was withheld altogether, on the grounds thatli, tir;t;ly, only two wtvro
sent in ; and socondly, they vre bolh so u1lrly (hlrvoid of' wilt, i VitV,
or merit. Still, what is ono inlin's pioi'oin is alldin i"r Il nia llN od; 1i111d
encouraged by this evident lack of tihe divineo nillatuiis in tI Io We\Vlsi
bards of' the present generation, we iii;(drstalld lhat, the otl.s CIOlnse
and Tu'I,'P]u are both taking lessons inl tlhe Cambrian Longiue in order
to qualify themselves for 'comipeting next year. The lhardic lippella-
lion of the Palmerstonian poet in to blie Ni'. -i'.li..i, and that of' tlihe
proverbial ntiaindercr, lIeI-Y-WAl.KlII, tllttgli al fil'rt < Ile Wai tlichl
inclined to designate hiimscll' Al-IMll];I.[i, ;Is bliing ri)oroi apIprop)rial.,
under thlie circumstances, lie lil', lhoivi'v'r, decided oil tiei foiriiTr
name. Wo hope tliat out- conuniiittl.ion is itot prenitiintr, andl ilit
it will cause no anger anionig any Druid or Arc'hiruid, as our only
reason for announcing it is to piut tlie tinrds, OVItueii, tninstirili, and
Camibians generally, ou their niiitl. And wo le bg to (liscIlilitni any
attempt of the "dym S;I.seInacIl,"'' till fiurilih.r to wrest away tlo
ancient supremacy of Wales fli'ri its rightful possessor's.


A JOG ol ii itE T lii, u RA'l riss.-hWIt is the difo frenco hotween tihe
county of Lincoln and tlie Li T' ;Cr, wl'hnini;tration ?-Tlhe former is
noted for its onus, the latter fr its itlas.
THE proper focd for prize-fighters is a round of beef.

















































TIE AERIAL CORD.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.
nooK I.-T-'l WILDERNEss. B3 CAPTAIN M-NE R-D.
Audior of "The Scalp- Iunters," The ifled Strangers," "Oscilla-
Ioola," "Tlio Wild Iluntross of theo Iappahannock," The Tame
Huntress of the River Lea," "Thel Tiger Hunters," "The Boy
luliters," "The Dr. Hunters," Tho Tuft Hunters," etc., etc., etc.

CHAPTER I.-TiI: Ti.\RANcA.
VALLEY of the Mississippi, from my childhood I have known thee
well !
Sit with me, reader, upon the snow-clad summits of the Chimborazo,
and survey 1lie prospect.
To tIhi west, a rolling prairie, whor te he luxuriant iherbago of the
raccI ftisi tula, or cow-thistle, shelters the croaking turi,,'.s rr la, or
bull-fir,', where lieo fronids of tlo prickly mestizo twine, in a friendly
rivalry, around ithe shlndor stalk of the kaboose.
To the West-to the West-to tho land of the free I

The scene changes.
Dazzling peaks of granitic mountain, intermingled with streaks of
blue las and of old red sandstone, are glittering in the sunshine. The
nl'il( (ordinary eagle) flies slowly through the air. Monarch of all
thou survoyest, king of the clouds, I salute thee
Yet art thou, like earthly potentates, cruel and a tyrant. Wretched
bird, I spurn thee !
In the distance, behold the gleam of the blue sea! See! white
tan-coloured sails, three fishers go sailing away to the west-away to
the west as the sun goes down.
To the west-to the west-to the land of the free !
Valley of thie Mississippi, from my childhood I have known thee
tolerably well! *
Wall! "
'Twns the trapper-ROGER SYKEs-that spoke. I also knew him
well. 1 had seen him under circumstances which imprint the features
of a man indelibly upon the memory of any other man.
I hoad sc t himi in the dock at the Old Bailey !
Honest lie was not ; but a bolder cracksman never wielded crowbar
in the Old World-a braver hunter never loaded rifle in the New. In


an expedition such as that in which I was now engaged, his co-opera.
tion would be invaluable.
What was that expedition ? Time may show.
I grasped his felonious but brawny hand in mine, and proposed to
him that he should join me. He jumped at the suggestion-also on
his horse, which was standing by.
We had scarcely any provisions. A little pemmican (a wild berry
of a deliciously acidulated flavour), some savcloys (the Indian term for
slices of buffalo-hump), and a flask of aguardiente-these were all.
To empty the latter was, for the stalwart and thirsty trapper, a
moment's work-no more. There was no more!
Away, away we sped into the wilderness, resolved to succeed, if
possible-or else to adopt every conceivable means of not perishing in
the attempt.
We rode for hours. Our steeds seemed inspired by a feeling of
equine emulation. Away away Not a sign was to be seen of The
Person whom we sought-but still we sped onwards. Night closed
around us. We sped onwards still! Suddenly, RoGE. SYKES and
his horse seemed to be swallowed up in the darkness; and in another
moment my charger reeled, and flung me heavily to the ground.
Fortunately, I retained my presence of mind. I could have pre-
ferred absence of body, but it was impracticable. A thought struck me.
In the vast prairies, which stretch from Lima on the south to
Chicago on the north, there are numerous fissures-not wide, but deep
-which are very probably the result of volcanic action, or some other
cause. They are imperceptible from a distance, and at night no
travellers, who were not urged to do so by imperious necessity, would
approach tlem. They are known as barrancas-a circumstance which
I have frequently mentioned in my other compositions. The sudden
disappearance of SYKES was now easily to be explained-he and his
horse had both fallen down into the barranca.
Poor SYKES! lie had his faults-but he had also the pemmican and
the saveloys, and sorely did I miss him !
At this instant, I heard the cry of the Oozley Bird. He was calling
for his mate.

CHAPTER II.-THE AERIAL CORD.
SINGULAR as it may appear, the cry alarmed me very little. To be
sure, I knew the bird in question to be harmless ; and, as a hunter, I
had frequently tracked the tiger to his jungle when I was not other-
wise engaged, and followed the lion to his den when I had nothing in
particular to do.
My mind at once reverted to my unfortunate companion. I knew





I! --
I i


ii
; i




I 1
I

i


i I
1 i



r


SLEEPING PARTNER.


F TET IN.--SE~pEME E 19, 1863.


I







' ,. .B-.
^, ~ ~ c^ -a; _^


_~~I~


~I~- ~~ ___ ~ ~


- -- ~ -- -- --r--c- --- ------,


i.


an-un









:FUNsr.


SEPTEMBER 19, 1863.]


that he had sinned against the usages of society; in point of fact, I
had first seen him in the London dock. Yet what, after all, is burglary ?
Merely the excess-the extravagance, if you will-of a generous
nature. To me, at least, he had been faithful. "CAPTAIN PHIL.
DOMBEY," the noble fellow was wont to say, "as sure as eggs is eggs,
I'll stick to you, governor, through all the upses and through all the
downses of life-which, at the best, is but a wale, and worry like one ;
and when as how old SYKES has done his work, and turned up his
toeses, take him back to old England, governor, and bury him where
the andtlileo communis (usual dandelion) is a waving of its downy head
in the moonlight." Whenever he spoko in this tone I knew SYKES to
be intoxicated; but he was all the more sincere.
Where was. he now ?
I determined to strike a light, and then explore. To my horror I
found that my match-box had disappeared !
That was what was the matter.
In utter darkness, except when the rising moon cast a faint glimmer
of light upon the mysterious scene, I groped my way down the
barranca. I was only able, during these intervals of lunar illumina-
tion, to observe that the rocks were composed chiefly of Lower
Silurian conglomerate and Devonian schist; that they were generally
of an oblong form; and that the fissures and crevices between them
abounded in the awkward and unpleasant vegetation of the cactus
scratchularia, or prickly cactus.
"Boo, boo, chickery boo Kee Boo! Kee !"
I started with joy as I heard these friendly words ; for well did I
know the speaker. Yes ; it was indeed the noble KID-DEE, the
LEAPING BISON of the Choctaw tribe I had once saved his life when
he was almost in the grip of a grizzly: twice had he saved mine. I
flung my fist into his warrior palm. "Boo! said the noble savage;
and he wept.
Check those tears," I cried, addressing him in his native tongue,
with which, as with most others, I am tolerably familiar. Hast thou
seen SYKES ? "
There had been a feud between them. One of the LEAPING BISON'S
wives (of whom he had six) had preferred the blonde beauty of the
British burglar to the coloured complexion of the Choctaw chief.
Devotion to myself was their only bond of union, but in this they were
unbounded. I really do not know why.
Slowly he led me to the bottom of the barroanc, A roaring torrent
was rushing along through this magnificent gulley. So faint and un-
certain was the light, that, of all the water-plants, I could only dis-
tinguish cressn. aquatic (common water-cress). How was the flood
to be crossed ?
With the unerring instinct of a savage, KID-DEE climbed up a gum-
tree. Wagh!" said the-chief, as he unrolled the lasso which he
always carried with him.
I saw his intention at once!
He hurled the lasso to another gum-tree, and then fastened it so as
to make a practicable tight-rope from one side of the barranca to the


I might have been worse conducted, but regri s is idle, and Ithe time
drors ny. On this day ten years the bag may be opened ; not. earlier,
or may tlie malleydickshuni of a outraged inliwiddtle nlllict that cappen,
as I shall ever fonldly love, if lif hbe spared."
Poor SYKn s His education had lieen neglected, but his heart w:as
in the right place, after all. 1 seized the bag, andl ran away as quickly
as I could. In the excitement of tie moment T quite forgot Kil-ure.
Little did 1 imagine, as the approaching yell of the NAsrt TIr ui
was heard, that in future years-
But I anticipate!
*** The next Book of this Romance will be written ly Ml. Ci--r.--s
HR-nD, author of Very Soft Dollars," Lt is Nerr' Too Late to
Mend a Coat," etc., etc.


THOUGHTS IN A YACHT.
(EXPRESSED IN PARENTHErSIS.)
On 'tis pleasant to sail in a yacht,
(Rather rough weather this morning we've got,),
Broasting the tide with its billows of tani,
(How glad I shall be when 1'm safely at home).
Oh! 'tis pleasant to sail on the sen,
(Wretchedly ill 1 shall presently be),
Watching the broad billows bear us froni land,
(Think that its better to sit than to stand).
Light as the smoke from the pipe I have lit,
(Think that it's better to stand than to sit),
IFlies the Fair lIosamond over the wavo,
(Zooks what a lurch at that moment shio gave !)
Sons of the sea-kings, we laugh at the storm,
(Beer? no, I thank ye, it's rather too warm).
Let the wind whistle (1 can't keep my legs--
Oh! the worst thing for breakfast is coffee antd eggs).
Lot the winds whistle, wo love their wild toines,
(Cruel that smile of the strong-stomached JONES),
Hero at our ease (every minute 1 dread,
Shifting the thingumbob over our head).
Isn't it pleasant, this cruise in a yacht?
(Catch me again in it certainly noi, !)
Tossing about-(ah ltho peril is past,
Thank goodness, we're back ill the harbour at last!)


IHAY-DAY!


other. The experience ot a chequered but eventful life ha taught me AT the Atherton petty sessions PETER CrLEWORTIT, a farmer of Leigh,
how to walk with agility (or even a gill o' brandy) upon such an aerial with thirteen others, was convicted of making hay on a, Sunday.
cord. The bench-a very wooden one-did not approve of' t lil iii maxisi,
We crossed in safety; and on the other side, stretched beside his which recommends the malingof hay wilo lte suni-or the le inday--
rapidly-expiring steed, I saw, as I had fully expected, the apparently shines, so they made a shine about it. They passed sentence of a
lifeless form of ROGER SYKES. finl on the farmer, which that fine follow refused to pay, and necord-
At that instant, nothing in particular occurred. ingly warrants were most unwarrantably issued against himi adl
.his fellow-defendants. This is really carrying an illiberal Rabbatarian
CAP TE I. spirit too far. A little harmless raking might surely he allowed, nor
CHAPTER E LEGACY AND TE INTERRdoes it follow, in our opinion, that a nman's soul is lost hecauiis he
SOON afterwards, however, something did. saves his hay. The statute under which the judges convicted was
I have already mentioned that I heard the cry of the Oozley Bird one of CHARLES iTHE SBcoND's, who never said a foolish thing, and
calling for his mate. I was mistaken. The practised earof the LEAP- never did a wise one. The bench resembles hiis majesty only in the
ING BISON discovered that the cry was simply an imitation. Lying at last point, and are so intent on doing a foolish thing that they even
full length upon the ground, ho beckoned me to keep silent. When threatened some of the defendants with the stocks. Should they
he rose, his face was flushed. call in the stocks, their shares in the transaction will certainly be
"Indian sign!" he cried. "No cry of Oozley Bird. Cry of war- depreciated. We would remind those Sabbatarian justices that our
chief. Comanche. Thirty braves. Distant two furlongs thirty-seven Sunday is not the .Joeish Sabbath, and that haymaking is not to be
yards. Commanded by NASTY TIGER. Great chief. War-path. Try judged by the law of Mow-ses.
to save captain's scalp. Think me no able do so. Wagh! NAsTY
TIGER great chief. Here in eleven minutes!"
I am brave, but I trembled as I heard the news. Instant flight at THi SiOTING SEASON.
once suggested itself to me as the only means of escape. I determined,
however, on first examining the still apparently lifeless form of ROGER OUR sporting readers will be delighted to hear that the preserves
SYKES, and removing the pemmican and the saveloys, are in excellent order. We opened one pot last night. It proved to
Poor fellow, they could be of no service to hnm i be apricot-and delicious.
A small bag soon attracted my attention. A piece of paper was Birds are pretty plentiful. Wo counted no less than twelve
pinned outside. Hastily kindling fire with a couple of sticks, I read sparrows in our street yesterday morning. As for bare., an
the following words:-" It being worry probable as my last hours is intelligent footman informs us he heard "a hare from Iill Tronmore
approaching, i takes this hoppertunity of living all I ha, and it is lion a liorgan in the square just now." This is the only lhnr we cn (
but little, to CAPPEN PIn, DOnBEY. If I had been better brought up, place under this head-of game.


~II~_ ___










8 F [SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCIIER AT THE PUBS.
S ABITUALLY talking with persons
whose friends have spoken to the
EARL DERBY, you will, of course,
not doubt my word, when I assert
that, two days ago, a most mys-
terious marriage took place at St.
George's, Ianover-square. I am
not permitted to divulge more
than that the bridegroom was a
young man from the country, and
the bride was a dark girl, dressed,
a most unusual thing at weddings,
S in blue. The only bridesmaid was
Il an unmarried sister of the bride's
S mother. She signed her name as
SAaisi, in the book. The happy
couple at once left London for the
) land of Dixie.
There is little stirring in the
Literary world. It is rumoured
that the author of Festus wrote
"Come, let usbo happy to gather,"
but the report is contradicted.
On the other hand, the veteran
-TUPIER, now a baronet, is about
to produce a volume entitled
Cithara," which, as every school-
boy knows, was the lyre, a favourite instrument of Fibula, the muse
of fiction. The popular admiration of the poet's birthplace is about
to take a solid form-in lead, we may say-and in the shape of a
drinking fountain and a statue of the bard. It will be one of those
with a handle and a spout, with a ladle attached.
I have the best authority for saying that the whispered marriage
between the late JULI.A PASTR.AN and the KING, or DAHOMEY is not
likely to take place. The altered aspect of affairs in Mexico has
induced the National Government in Poland to withdraw their veto
on the subject, and the matter, at present, rests in the hands of an
eminont sculptor i sltati qumo.
mN. SrnmciEON has declined to appear in Little Todicklins. I can-
notl help thinking lie is right. Hils talents as a j.hrccur are of a
higher order.
'Ilhe weather is of serious importance to all England, especially on
conversational grounds. I an happy to say the recent rain, even in
the absence of the iQUEEmN, is believed to have been beneficial. At all
events, my hairdresser tells me crops are going on well. At the
saime time, of course, we must all consider autumnn as fairly set in,
when we look at the state of the roads. As the pig said, when he
took a roll in the mud, One's wallow does not make a summer."


THE LATE FRANKFORT CONGRESS.
THE meeting of sovereigns has come to an end. His majesty the
EMu-i'EROR or AusTRIA declares his only object was to sow (a very sow-
sow sort of joke) the seed of German unity, and then to leave it to
germian-ate.
The other Teutonic sovereigns rejoice to think that Austria has by
no Means got the better of them. Though FRANCIS JOSEPH proved
himself an astute diplonatist, they also showed themselves as Teutons
(astute 'uns).
A minor potentate congratulates himself (on the bird-in-the-hand-
worth-two-in-the.bush principle) upon the fact that though FRANClS
JosE:P'I may consider himself German Emperor in posse, lie (the said
potentate) is a German sovereign in Hesse.
The KIXG OF IHAsOVER is by no means disposed to give the sovereignty
of all Germany to Austria. IIe loves his own territory, but when
sovereign rights are in question, lie is not at all inclined to Ian' over.
Prussia, thanks to VON BisMl.ARK, was literally nowhere" in the
congress, a fact which, in the event of German unity coming to be a
fact, makes the "look-out" of this important state decidedly Prussian
" llue."
On tlhe whole, we think we may pronounce the Congress a failure.
Tolois NAI'OLION is evidently of the sanlie opinion, for, though it is
well known lie watches German polities with a covetous eye to tlhe
lline-ohl! lie declares that as to anything done at Frankfort lhe
wouldn't give a fra.c fort.


RIIAS Provoc.A\TIx.-The nettle-rash.


AT THE PLAY.
THE promotion of Miss MARRIOTT to the direction of Sadler's
Wells (vice CAPTAIN MORTON (half) PRICE retired, with nothing sugges-
tive of the cash here), affords a proof of the vitality of the love of
the legitimate in those quarters. An enthusiastic Clerkenweller was
heard to declare on the opening night-reproducing the sound rather
than the orthography of the sentence-" Sadler's SHAKSPEARE for me-
all harnessed-that's what I like! And the Pentonvilleians and the
Islingtonians are of the same opinion. Earnestness, indeed, is the most
powerful lever that can be employed to raise a sensation in anything,
and the mere show of earnestness of purpose has often lifted a
management over every impediment to managerial success. If Miss
MARRIOTT, who has become the presiding genius of this old temple of
legitimacy, were but-not to speak it ungallantly-ten years younger,
we should have to speak of her as the most effective heroine of our
time. There is many an actress who, with self-gratulation, may be
humming the strain, I'm o'er young to MARRIOTT," who has nothing
like her attractive power. If the promise of pursuing the higher
walk, which means the longer run of the drama, be faithfully kept,
we shall certainly not let Wells alone. The old pieces, which have
hitherto been played, have presented some new faces that have pro-
duced a prepossessing impression, and the company has been fortunate
besides in securing the countenance of MR. HENRY MARSTON, whose
name on the back of a Sadler's Wells' bill is always sure to make it
readily accepted.
An Awful Rise in Spirits on the Olympic stage produced the most
awful depression of spirits among the audience that can be imagined.
Fancy SHAKSPEARE'S shade talking nonsense, and all the other poor
ghosts without the ghost of a joke amongst them. What had the
clever company of the Olympic done to deserve such cruel treatment
from the hands of MRi. To.n TAYLOR ? It cost me a box ticket for MR.
TOOLE's benefit at the Adelphi to try and recover a mirthful frame of
mind. The remedy was, however, almost as severe as the evil it was
taken to cure, for the house was so full that everybody had to laugh
longitudinally, the elbows of those adjoining precluding all possibility
of that healthy lateral mode of shaking one's sides which is most in
accordance with our anatomical construction.
THE ODD MAN.

GOING OVER THE MOUNTAIN.
~ PARSONS of all sects have taken to doing strange things lately. One
lectures on gorillas and crinoline, another lends his name as editor of
a review he does not edit, while others give smoking parties in their
vestries, or indulge in pursuits commonly considered unclerical. We
have just met with another eccentricity:-
On Sabbath afternoon, Rr.v. Mu. GILFILLAN, of Dundee, chose as his text the
words, 'The mountains shall depart,' and thereupon took occasion to give his
audience an 'outline of his recent Highland tour.' "
We do not know to what particular church MR. GILFILLAN belongs,
but his proceedings smack of Islam. The text referring to the
departure of the mountain and the trip of the preacher remind us
very strongly of the fact of MAHOiET'S going to a mountain which
would not come to him. Perhaps this is the only way in which the
REV. Mls. GILTILLAN can hope to attain to an eminence.


A COW'S TAIL.
WE are sure that in these days of Homes for Destitute Dogs, the
following advertisement touching a cow, will touch all those who have
any supply of the milk of human kindness.
COW.-A very handsome, quiet little cow, half-bred, between Alderney and
Ayrshire, now in calf with her fourth. Must be sold, in consequence of
the railway taking away her feeding-ground. Price 16.-Apply, etc.
The affecting story is told with all the plaintive simplicity of
COWPER. We see this beautiful lo of modern times turned out of
her feeding-ground by the remorseless rail. She goes without a
murmur, which would only be low; but going, she appeals, through
the press, to all the public between Alderney and Ayrshire, to give
her a home, and we hope she will get it. Miseries asuxilium dare is
the duty of every dairy-farmer.

A RIDDLE TFOR TIE SANDS.-Wlhy is the isle, of which Ramsgate
forms a part, evidently one of the finest in the world ?-Because
there is is no better Than it to be found.
O1 !-When a house has been burnt down, may it be said to have
been blazed to the ground ?
A HINT TO LAW STUDENTs.-The book-worm frequently changes
to the silk-worm.










YFU -N.


FROM OUR OVER-WORKED CONTRIBUTOR.
(At least, he calls himself so. WE don't.-Ed.)
DELUDED, yet ungrateful, FUn,-And did you think to wither me
with angry notes appended to my last brilliant epistle ?-notes which,
I need hardly say, will extract no change from me ; and anger at all
times is to be reprobated, A diligent perusal of the beautiful little
hymns of DocToR WATTSt would perhaps be beneficial in your case;
but that I fear you are almost past profiting by them. For my own
part, they are my constant study.t But this is a digression. To
return to your ingratitude: instead of being thankful to me for a
most satisfactory and logical explanation of what, in the case of
anyone else, might have appeared a slightly dubious transaction,I
you add a selection (not that there was anything select about them,
rather the contrary) of annotations which, when not false, were of a
nature I decline to designate in befitting terms. And why ? Because
an industrious and over-worked individual was obliged to resort to
indirect means to obtain his hardly-earned rights, which otherwise I
much fear he would never have received. His reward is-what ? In
language the reverse of obscure, to be called swindler. Also to be
threatened with-not to put too fine a point upon it-the sack! and
that, too, with ignominy and a month's salary! Misguided FUNx,
allow me to put one question to you. Could your paper go on without
me? ** Havo I not raised it to its present height of prosperity? tt
To whom do you fly to solve any more than usually abstruse question
that may arise ? f To me, and to me only. But enough of this ;
I merely mention these well-known facts, just to show you to what
lengths.your ingratitude has driven you, and in the hope-a faint one,
I confess it-of awakening better feelings towards me in your, alas !
too callous breast. l|
In spite, however, of all that has passed between us, I am still
willing to overlook your conduct, and continue to contribute to your
paper as usual,T in proof of which, I will just give you a slight
account of the way I pass my time-here, and you can judge for your-
self whether it is likely that I, as a rational being, am likely to return
to London before every penny I have extracted from you is spent.
Not if I know it.
I get up at nine ; early rising I have ever regarded as a mistake,***
and do not practise it accordingly. I then, thanks to your bounteous
liberality,ttt enjoy a hearty, not to say luxurious, meal; after which,
I read the paper, digest my breakfast, and think of you, paurres
diables (I put it in French, not to hurt your feelings with my opinion
of you), in London, slaving to provide me with my daily quantum of
mental pabulum. The next thing is to bathe, then to lounge on the
parade and listen to the band, and lunch. But why recapitulate all
my enjoyments here ? Some you would be incapable of appreciating
(I refer, in particular, to the society into which my naturally
winning ways TT$ and artless manners have thrown me), and others
you would not understand. You will, however, be pleased to learn
that I am in good health, and by slow degrees am recovering that
pristine beauty, for which I was once so famous in times gone
by, ore I had the misfortune to become your slave. But, in future,
I mean to adopt a now method of proceeding with you; 11ll11 for
having once tasted the sweets of freedom, never again shall you
enslave your hitherto OVEn-WORnED CONTRIBUTORn. fTT

This ancient and vulgar joke shows how low our contributor has sunk; not
that we expect any change, either monetary or moral, from him. The time for
that is long past.
t Much you know about them !
$ You abominable hypocrite !
Sophistry, which did not blind us to the fact that we had been disgracefully
swindled.
II Erratum-for "slightly," read "very."
T Yes, that was precisely the word, and we repeat it-"swindler."
** Perfectly.
tt Certainly not.
f$ Not to you, for one,
Oh! dearno.
1I| This virtuous indignation is very amusing, considering that re are tihe
injured party.
I Well, that is kind!
*** Lazy wretch.
tfi Ah make much of it, you won't enjoy it long.
$: Very, though perhaps dishonest would more clearly express them.
JsEtMY DInDLER was a fool to you.
Don't care the least about it.
111i] It must have been very long ago.
ij You, too, n..a fI. -. 1 ....... in us. Don't hurry your return on our
account. By-the-l. '-. II...- us yesterday about that little bill; we have
givenhim your address, and told him we would nt tear.nswerable for the money.
He says you will hear from him !


t)


THE GHOST CLUB.
A GnuosT Club has been siarled iln 1ouondo! Tihe' soviet is, of
course, animated by an sl-rit d'ortpse unrivalled by any ot her similar
association in London. In-spoetres are appointed to prevent lthe
admission of anyone who has not, like an actor, had a first appearance.
The ma;n Iwho has not chanced to soe a ghost cannot see a ghost of' a
chance of admission.
The rules of the club are strict. Spirits only aro drunk aller
dinner, and those who are drunk are expected to rise wIhein th ir
health is proposed. The standing toast is (H).\'vrr SA.L.Yv. Secoitn
sight, alter the sixth bottle, is not allowed to qunlify its possessor for
the presidency. The proprietors ofliantied mansions inn y be eleictied
honorary mienibers on tihe production lo' a stamped crt'liiento dulvy
attested by the resident ghost btefre three jtiisies of lthe peiae. No
bets on ghosts aro to be laid without the permission of the chairman,
who sits itn lamino on all eases of dispute. Only spirits mnv bo lid
under any circumstances, as wine is decided to be too full Ibodid.
All meetings will be held at the Shades, i'wh\rer any hclio spirits
can walk with ease from any part of town, the I'oor I :tw (Iuardians
having kindly consented to consider everybody ain np-parishiioinr.


SHIOOTING-WITll A ]LO1N(; 1OW.
TurE correspondent of one of ourt cnitoporaries I'ive'st the inflloini ti'
little anecdote. As he has been to Frankfort, in the main it iaivy he
true, but we have our doubts.
I hbave just returned f'roll 'f-. ....... trer :a montll'. 1 ,, :. I h utl. I lni i
glorious weather, iand s,tw I 1. -11 kin iS at .. *I ,I I hl'tr i;, t n m.a l
anecdote of one of thel li. I wante.i dl his iritn.y ith,1d ill IhI ItI t ith
nrmw.fr m.. r.n O i so gotl 0 tl '".'b S I ollhas t to i l l I olllv t ill'I lh]lt ki tll
I, i "h, ,, lit. ui p in hiH kingdom, hiAs own lioL lb'iug I)il eilllnli l'or I ],r I w
Armstrong range! "
This is all very funny, but if the king hild to get lho ltan h olf a
neighbour's kingdom for his target, hl would surely hiove Ihad to
borrow several of the armies of the ad.iacent states to fire tih' gun11
off, that being more thlan one man's work. I'riobi ly li' eorr,--
spondei t aimed at being witty. If so, he has overshot his mark.
We laugh not witli, but at him.


A HINT FOR T'IlE POST OFFICE.
WE learn that three bags Of l'tlers were lung ov'rboiird, in (oi'-
sequence of the lire which occurred to the steamIi' l)ringini lit I
Brazilian mail. "This," says o ur informant, will accountii tio mirny
for the absence of their expected corrspolndenlce." I is not tIh
first time that mail-bags have been lost at sea, und considering, whilil
a paying spec. the Post-ollire is, wo feel that such acridllent; shou(l.I li h
better guarded against. Documents, which can never bo rIpl-nI d,
may be lost in this manner; and the public, which pays, hais a right,
to expect that means will be ndoptrd to give their Iltl.'s grI'atr'
safety. India-rubber bags, hermetically sealed, and r'endIelredlt buoyIln
by corks, would at least give sutclh valuable property a.t Ih.ttr'i onto
more chance than they have at present. Ti't ollf'r by Ithe I 'st-tic-i ,
of a reward, trifling to their large gains, for tlin best invention oft lli
sort, would ensure its discovery, and our letters.


FRIENDS AT A PINCH.
A CONVENTION,o not to be sneezed at, has lately been held in Norl' t
Briton, when no doubt a dinner was given on grounds of proverbiali
philosophy, sinco (s)'nuff's as good as a feast." We extract tlhe
report:-
We are informed that a second annual competition of the Snuff Mull Rocifity
took place at New Elgin this week. There was I capital display o' horns cleinlr
and mounted by tile competitors. The mulls are called Straight Hluns,'
'Crooked Scurs,' and lRms' lHorns.' The points on which the judges w'tri''
called uponi to decided were, which blornl wa\ s bi.st for keepingg' tf!( i-.nifll
' easiest for getting the snull' out of,' and mostl, convenient for the liall.' 'ThI
prizes very appropriately consisted of inceshin.' "
The meeting was an undoubted success apparently, which rna,l,
have been a severe disappointment to the members, as their solo niir'!
was the making of" mutlls."


A TRILE T-r, m nr RII in 'rre.-Is there any connexion I,.twoCn n
nautical song and Neplt",n ?
'il'E R F or oLl :. "-F'.uN's stalf; which, by the way., i' :t"linii
but a fi',-ptaf'.


SEPTEMBER 19, 1863.]


I








1(1 ----~---


f J [SEPTEMBER 19, 18G3.


I '-


I -


3DIRECET :FRi'OI TI-IE ITOIRTI-

Sanly M'Swalter :-" DINNA YE KEN. YOUNG MON, TIAT YE SiIUD NA FASII ON THE SABBAT H?"
Cocnlcy :-"AL I RIGHT, GUOY'NOR; 1 AIN'T CAUGHT NOTHING!


AT IT AGAIN.
A NYIoYl who will take the trouble to turn up their back volumes of
FI'N, and refer to the numbers for the weeks ending the 10th of May,
18ti2, and the 24th of January, 1863, will find some admirable criti-
cisms on certain advertisements inserted in the Times by a "widowed
(sic) clergyman." They recommend, in language curiously un-
g'anmmntical even for educational advertisements, a certain school at
which tie reverend gentleman's daughter had been educated, and they
professed that sheer gratitude alone induced him to go to the expense
of inserting the advertisements, which on each occasion appeared for
several consecutive months. We could not withhold our admiration of
the generosity and single-mindedness of this excellent Christian, but
we regretted to find that each notice in FUN resulted in the dis-
appearance for several months of the worthy divine's advertisement;
and we gathered from this that lie belonged to that noble order of
philanthropists who do good by stealth and blush to find it shown up.
At length, however, after an interval of a year and a half, our pastor's
sense of gratitude appears to have once more got the better of his
modesty, and we find him at it again, recommending his daughter's
schoolmlistress harder and more expensively than ever:-
EDUCATION.-A clergyman is anxions, from a sense of the unusual privileges
I is daughter hais enjioycd for four years at a first.class establishment, near
townv, to reconllllenld it to others. Tile terms are considerate, and parents will
ionl educational advantages of the higheilst order from the first professors,
realized 1by the experience 1nd incessant attention of the principal, and domestic
comforts rarely surpassed.-Address REs. M. A., Trowbridge, Wilts.
Far be it from us to cast the slightest imputation on the bonI fide
character of the advertisement, or to suggest thint anything but a
sense of tle purest gratitude induced that excellent man (would that
there were more like him !) to go to the expense of inserting it ; but
we should be really glad to know what he wishes us to understand by
" considerate terms," and also how educational advantages of the


highest order from the first professors can possibly be realized both
by the experience of the principal and by the domestic comforts of the
establishment. We give the pious shepherd who inserted the adver-
tisement the highest credit for his intentions, but we fear that he is
not a judge of the article he recommends.


Boso-t FeiENDS.-The Federals are very angry with the EsMPEROR,
who, they declare, is a confessed ally of the South. But there is no
reason that he should have the Confederate cause at heart because he
has a Confederate cruiser at Brest.
MISTAKEN IDENTITY.-We learn from a contemporary that "the
Aztecs are in Paris." We have long been under the impression that these
wretched little beings had ceased to exist. Perhaps our contemporary's
informant was not aware of this, and fell into a very natural error.
Mit. DISRAELI is very likely in Paris on the look-out for an original
funeral oration on the late Lo0D CLYDE, to be delivered next session.
AN ILL-LOOKING SERVANT.-A plain cook.
A STEADY iEIGN.-VICTORIA'S.


The FOURTH Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with Numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, gilt, price
4s. 6d., post free 5s., is now ready.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the FOURTH Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
The whole of the Back Numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
on sale.


Printed and Published (for the Prcprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-September 19, 1863.


I










SEPTEMBER 26, 18603.


FU IN.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUNDABOUT SECRET LEGACY.

BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.


BooK II.-THE VOYAGE.
BY CH-L-s --DE.
Author of "Very Soft Dol-
lars," It is Never Too
Late to Mend a Coat,"
"The Course of True
Love Never Bruised it's
Oats yet," Evil PUnc-
tuatiors Corrupt Good
Company," etc., etc.
CHAPTER I.t--OUT OF PonT.
; Semicolons;
CAPTAIN DODD--I mean
CAPTAIN DOMBEY with
ROGEn SYKES' little bag
hurriedly stitched inside
his hunting-shirt pulled
himself together went up
the other side of the Bar-
ranca and strode sturdily
away a fine plucky fellow
caring no more for red
indians than for musqui-
toes.
Three weeks after this
he was in New York, had
called upon a banker there, /
disposed ofa nugget which
he had discovered on his
way in a rocky creek never
before visited by an Euro-
pean biped, taken his pas-
sage in the steamer For.
moosc for Liverpool, and
won two hundred thousand
dollars at a gaming table; SF
all which was quite satis-
factory to the bravo CAP-
TAriN DOBOEY who had
work to do in England
which would need Very
Hard Cash indeed.
And on the twenty
eighth of April the huge
screw of the Fortosabegan
to revolve and she wnt out
to sea and made nine knots
an hour for the first three
days; during which time
CAPrAIN DOMBEY was down TIIE AIREI
below, suffering almost to death from sea-sickness, but always
sleeping with the trapper's bag under his pillow and two revolvers six
shooters by his side loaded and capped for he feared robbers even in
that steamer.
The skipper of the Formosa, was a blunt old sea-dog, given to exple-
tives expectoration and spirits, but a sailor every inch of him and one
to whom every eye turned instinctively in time of danger.
Three days she made nine knots an hour, but on the fourth heavy
easterly gales held her back and tossed her about a huge plaything on
the waves; on the fifth it came on to blow a hurricane ; and on the
sixth when brave CAPTAIN PiumrI DO.IBEY came on deck, the only
passenger there besides himself was a woman.
She was a very little woman with light blue eyes and long golden
hair that rippled in glittering waves to her waist, and in her smiles
there was infinite fascination, and in her voice there was exquisite
music, and in her secret heart this very little woman with light blue
eyes and long golden hair that rippled in glittering waves to her waist
was-what the sequel of this story will show; semicolon; and the
name on her luggage was LUCRETIA FLOYD.
She and CAPTAIN DOMBEY talked together pleasantly enough for
about an hour until a heavier sea than usual struck the Formosa
amidships, carried away part of the bulwarks, flooded the
decks, smashed the round-house, and swept away most of the cooking
utensils including the cook a native of Mozambique. At that instant
a heavy roll and rattle of reverberating thunder crashed CRASHED in the


STED IIAND.


Ssky. Old SKIPP'ERl BloW-
IIeIv), every inch of himi a
s sailor, leapt upion the pad-
die-box, soinewlhatl the
worse for run antl water,
Ibut with (lie heart of a lion
i the eye of a linwk andi the
roaring voice of a bill.
ExpletLivo passIL'i'ig.
down below! lMen stand
by to clut away tnh inllill
halyard shrouds expilti'vo
you! Two points -tcaIso
her two points, intifjec-
kiou oflt horrible clhtir:'ler,
no skulking, in with lhoi
tarpaulin ginl'undl rclb) lIIuil
hlir north ly westt! "
Il hlie hl(or tof' danger I
daresay after ill dlr'pit
(ailnt to the contl riry st rmmT
llguagguisino verygrievtils
sin ; it it is 1 hope it \\Ns
pardoned to Sht il'l'l.:i
Iu.LowIAllDn for I verily he.
lievo that without swear-
ing hio could not have
saved his ship.


II.-MENTAL Pl'IRoe" s:S.
LUCiETIA lFLOYD II 1Il
CAPTAIN DOMIIIY 1] lld,
is I hlve already told 111,il
for i conHiderablo t lic.
They lhd lconviersel 'rI' it,
least tian hioUr befor il, <'-
curred t either ofl' theit
that the teinpit wits i' rta-
ging arouicd thei roay ring
tl l'ough tille musllsI fold(
cordage and luillgting uthe
Fjorm str away Co HtrhO:n'rd
away to port with ]lhgo
Iwindy culls find l thumip
upon her sides.
Analysis of mental pro-
CeSs carried Oin by CAPVTAIN
Dor.flHEY during the 1lbr.-
said conversation : J)ci-
dedly a beauttiful girl ro-
mantic nnd lnslicrlilulous


wants only to be mastered by a still stronger will; that wui, is
possessed by me, PIIILII' DOMIIEY. practicall deduction to marry
her as soon as the Formosa gets into Liverpool.
Report of process, also partly mental but mainly passional and emo-
tional, carrying itself on in the cerebral departments, also in the ven-
tricles, ofLUCRETrA FLOYD : I hate him With his airs of superiority !
To talk to me about tigers and panthers. Let him beware, though,
how he plays with them Practical deduction to marry himn as soon
as the Formosa, gets into Liverpool.
Mutual resolution formed by both : To watch, to wait, to keep down
below.

III.-BITS OF TIE LOG .REI'INTED AND REVISED.
*
ON changing the watch they found the Formosa still very tight and
going well, the carpenter assuring the captain there wis no water to
strike a pump. Being very tired with walking tioh deck f-o long,
CAPTAIN BLowIAlrD thought he might go down and indulge himself
with a pipe of tobacco and a chat with CAPTAIN ])Do er:Y : lhe told tlh
mate to acquaint him immediately should there be any alteration.
They had driven the boards next the lower part of the putlip to Fe'
how much water was in the well ; and every half-hour thi carpenter
went down. As he had yet found no water CA PTAIN HlLOWrtIA i i enter-
tained thus far no apprehension of the safety of the F'ormnosa.


VOL Y.










12 FU N.


[SEPTEMBER 26, 1863.


aICAPTri DoswneY had already retired to rest, so CAPTAIN BLOWlIARD
'was fain to smoke alone. Soon after he had filled and lighted his
pipe, while sitting in the state room, he was thrownfrom his chair by
a blow which the ship received from a terrible sea. He sent a boy to
Sask the first-officer whether anything was washed over. The answer
was that all was quite safe; so that, being still very much fatigued,
Sthe captain thonult li would try to get a little sleep to refresh him-
self; ani wvitlhot pulling off his clothes, he threw himself upon the
side of the bed. Before lie had closed his eyes however the chief
oflicnr came in and told him that the carpenter had found the water
above the keelson and that the ship must CERTAINLY have sprung a

The fine old skipper immediately arose, and took the carpenter
Switch hinm into hlie hohl, and to his great surprise found the water
rolling in dreadfully. On examination he found it was a butt started,
and the more they endeavoured to press anything to stop it, the more
the plank forsook tile timber. They then went on deck to encourage
the people at the pumps.
Every method was tried that seemed likely to be of service; they
continued in this dismal situation three days, the ship, notwithstanding
their endieavour!, full of water, and expected every moment to sink.
Teio captain had given all the liquor that was on board to the people
and all the provriios, the hold being now full of water, and the ship
swimminlg Iby the decks, being buoyed up with empty casks.
About six o'clock on tlhe thirteenth morning, the people came to
thle captain and declared that they had done all in their power ; that
tlhe vessel was fall of wa'er and that it was in vain to pump any
more. *
IV.-EXCERPTS FROMr THE DIARY OF LUCRETIA FLOYD.
The crisis draws near. CAPTAIN BLOWHARD has confessed that
there are scarcely any liopcs of safety, for ship cargo or passengers. As
if f cared for ship or cargo This DowlrY, I hate him more and
moro ; but Ihis little Bag must be mine, and I feign to love him-as
best I can. Tilhe fool he trusts-believes mo; and yet will not let me
handle that Bag. Are its contents, I wonder, really valuable ? They
must be, or why his care of it ? His idle story that it was bequeathed
to him in thie hour of death by an old but poor dependent, may
deceive others-but it will not decive me !' In the confusion of
a wreck, what matters a inlo life? If this DOMsBY disappeared,
,nh I wc d miss hiim? -' As for me I was never born to be
drowned. Hlliides, even should I be swept into the ocean, I am safe
still ; 11i! crinoline' would support me. It shall be done-and that, to-
night!!!! -
V.-DIT-o FROM DOMBEY'S.
The Fr,orn is still as adorable and yet as great a mystery to me as
ever. It is plain enough that she passionately adores me; but every-
thing else connected with her is a perfect enigma-a problem al-
together beyond miy powers of solution. What, for instance, can be
her motive for perpltually asking me about the Little Bag ? Granted
that it was foolish inl me to have mentioned its existence, her incessant
questions with regard to it are still mysterious. Poor old SYKES 1
Little did the honest--I mean faithful fellow imagine what trouble
and annoyance his humble logacy would give me! I often feel
tempted to open tlhe bag. At one time lie was doingvery wellindeed
in England. Bi--the-bye, I really wonder whether he was dead after
all ? In the agitation of the moment and (I must confess) in anxiety
for my own personal safely, I was perhaps somewhat neglectful both
of SYKEs and of KiD-DEE.
A strange sense of danger from some unsuspected quarter seems
haunting me to day. Old BLowIHARD indeed says our chance is
desperate. I :am convinced, however, that in a moment of intoxica-
tion d ie must iave made a mistake of at least twelve degrees in his
calculations. If 1 know anything at all of the sea, we shall sight
land lo-morrow or to-night. No, it is not the fear of shipwreck that
unmans tme-hut of some vague dreamlike mysterious Horror.
Hlow it roars And that flash of forked lightning.-Let me get to
rmy bed and try for sleep-


VI.-A DRAMA


TIC SITUATION.


Persons of the drama two. Person 1 CATr.AIN DOMBEY lying
drowsily upon his conch.
'Person 2 Ir iE i-rn l' Fiio armlnd and in act to strike.
ThuIudl r andl l lilltling. hi-htningi again, but more vividly than over.
Voices: Laml, I\ND, LAND.
Orniti Voi':s; AN A A SAi. ON. TIHE LEE Bow.
*~' Tlle neit IBok of this Romance will be written M. AL-X-NDRE
-i-s, Authlr f Monte Presto," The Three Flibustiers Fifty
Years Aer," Sixty Years After That," "Ever so Much After Every-
thing," etc., etc.


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 56.-MOUNTSTUART ELPHINSTONE GRANT DUFF, Esq., M.P.
MR. GRANT DUFF is a Scot of the Scots. Every name which his
godfathers and godmothers conferred on the infant Caledonian smacked
of the North like a patch of heather. He is, therefore, as a native of
North Britain and an M.P., important as a representative Scotchman.
His recent speech to his constituents is one that augurs well for
Scotland. That country, which has hitherto laboured under the
accusation of sending her children south on slight provocation, may
be complimented on the return of her son for -lgin, when we take
into consideration that the liberal views he professes go rather against
the grain-is it oats ?-of his countrymen.
MI. DUFF was born in 1829, in Scotland. As one's place of birth is
a more matter of chance, it is not surprising that tho cast of a pair o'
dice should fix on Eden as the spot of his nativity. The particular
Eden, on leaving which MA. DUFF had "all the world before him
where to choose his place of rest," was situated in Banffshire.
He was educated at Edinburgh, where the taws(e), no doubt, early
fitted him to deal with the Elgin marbles. From the modern Athens
he was sent to Balliol College, Oxford. At that hotbed of classical
learning he was forced to take a second class in classics in the year
1850. Three years afterwards, in answer to the inquiries of his
friends, "Where are you now P" he was able to reply, Here I A.M."
In the same year, 1853, he obtained a Law Studentship offered for
competition by the Inns of'Court. In the race for this prize he came
in first with great credit, having given his rivals too much law.
In 1854 he added to his Oxford laurels by taking the degree of
LL.B. with honours, at the University of London. He was called to
the Bar of the Inner Temple in the same year, and thereupon began
to practice, spending his days in court and his nights Templar.
He went on circuit in the Midland District, but with only middling
success, we believe. But he appears not to have relied peculiarly or
pecuniarily upon the bar, which is no great support to any except the
top-sawyers of lawyers.
In 1857 he was first elected for the Elgin districts, For that con-
stituency, although, by force of fact, a knight of the Shyer, he has
contrived to keep his seat, although he tilts at many hobbies hard-
ridden by the hard Scotch.
As a politician Mn. DUFF is a positive Liberal, and, therefore, as
comparisons are odious, cannot be spoken of as a DUFFER. Some
of the penny Palmerstonian papers, who are favoured with the
latest chat of the kitchen at Windsor by the noble viscount's butler,
have abused MR. DUFF, because in his speech to his constituents he
did not praise the present Government. MR. DUFF, like every other
sensible and independent man, does not give credit for patriotism or
statesmanship tobone who is honest at least in not pretending to
either. But MR. DUFF certainly deserves praise for the bold way in
which he"brought his intolerant nation to task for its bigotry, and for
the fearlessness with which he expounded his views. Any member of
Parliament may have sufficient courage to attack-or even to support
-the PALMERSTON ministry, but very few in the House would dare to
pitch into the peculiar failings of constituents.
With regard to general politics, MR. DUFF is prepared to support
"a comprehensive measure of Parliamentary reform," as well as one
of "administrative reform." Moreover, he is a perpetual adherent
and promovent of "education on a satisfactory footing," which, we
take it, means secular education.
HR. DUFF is a deputy-lieutenant for Moray, and a magistrate for
Banff, Murray, and Aberdeenshire. These are the penalties a man
pays for distinction. It is no slight price to pay for popularity, to
have to herd with country justices and lord-lieutenants.
Not only with his tongue, but with his pen, has MR. GRANT DUFF
made himself a name. Among the best of the too short-lived series
of Oxford essays is one of which he is the author. And elsewhere his
quill has appeared as that of a nobler bird than the goose. The
greatest feather, however, which he can claim is for his fearless expo-
sition of Scotch foibles and Scotch intolerance to his own constituents
a few weeks ago.


AN OLD PROVERB REFUTED.-"What is sauce for the goose is (not)
sauce for the gander." The KINx OF PRUSSIA promulgating and en-
forcing liberal ideas in Hesse-Cassel and Holstein, and objecting to the
same in his own territory.
THE man who threw a chance away, picked up an acquaintance
immediately after.
MODERN GEOGRAPHY.-Italy; chief town, Paris.
ARCIlIMEDEAN SCREYs.-Teetotallers.


~_


~ I


~











:F U :NT.


SEPTEMBER 26, 1863.]


FROM OUR OVER-WORKED CONTRIBUTOR.
(At least, he calls himself so. WE don't.-Ed.)
INCREDULOUS FUN,-I suppose it were a useless task after what has
passed between us to attempt to convince you of what you are still
owing to me for the beautiful moral lessons* I have been endeavour-
ing to inculcate into your, I fear, too callous mind during my sojourn
in these distant, yet not altogether unpleasant, regions. Still I do not
despair. In time, who knows, even you may be capable of improve-
ment. Let us hope so. But enough of this,t for, though this would
be a vale of tears, yet it is not well to be always sad; let us hope for
brighter days, though where on earth they are to come ftiom, what
with the American war, the Polish insurrection, the unsettled state of
Italy, and my head positively splitting from sitting up late last night
with two young friends who kindly assisted me in my researches after
a subject for this letter, I don't know. Again, I repeat this is a vale
of tears. We were three. Long, long we brooded over this letter,
assisted in our deliberations by some of tile very finest Kinahan that
it has been the good luck of your Over-Worked Contributor to taste.T
At least, I thought so then. I don't think so now. Forgetful of the
wrongs I had suffered at your hands,I even proposed your health, and
even wished prosperity to your paper-that ever-turning wheel to
which this unhappy Ixion is bound. How I now loathe you and
yours, yet I must write or-what ? You'll stop the beggarly pittance
you now and then dole out to me I know you will. It's no use
denying it. But I neither can nor will stand it anylonger. I'llenlist,
or go up in a balloon, or down a coal mine, or by a Sunday excursion
train on the Brighton Railway, anything than endure this frightful
tyranny.
No, on second thoughts, I'll go and get some soda and brandy
instead.

[Here our contributor's letter abruptly ends. Accompanying it,
however, we received the following epistle from a person we cannot,
considering her loose ideas of grammar and general waywardness on
the subject of spelling, call her a lady, which in part explains it.]
ONNERD SUR,-I rite this hat rekvest hov a gent as is a stayin in
my house, which he is as plessent spokin a young man as ivor i kum
across. Last nite, him an 2 more come in about arf-past ate hand
ordered hup 2 kittles of bilin water, likewise 3 glasses hand shuggar to
match, they thin sent out for fore bottels of wisky which they also
finish afore they wint to bedd which they did about too, after making
the most horful noise, so much so that mi fust flore, a widder lady an
2 dorters as pays regularly every Satterday hand never so much has
luks at a hitim give me knowtico this morning on account ov it.
Well, sur, too-day about 11 he rings is bell an on mi answering calls for
pale ail an wudnt av no koffee nor tea buat a air of the dog as bit
im"-sich was is exkspreshun. This ere did im good as wel i know,
seen that mi pore departed wos occasionally giv to drink also skittels,
which together with attax of rheumatiz tuk im from me to another
wurld were skittels aint allowed to say nothing of beer. He then told
me as c ad a important letter to rite an didn't know ow it ud ever git
done, he feeling so queer an otkopprish. at last he sit to work and
begun, but afore he had arf finish he rushes hout hand don't return
until about a our afore postime. He was dredful excited an after
trying to rite with the rong end of the pen, dippin ov it into the milk
(for the teethings was on table) instead of the ink he give it up an
went to bedd, as i ave since diskivered in is boots, an the sheets ony
clean on last weak. His last wurds to me beein-" MRs. HUGGINs
finish that there letter and put it hin the bill." Wich accordingly i've
dun an ope it may giv sattisfackshun, been a widder with two children
an the season ony lastin 3 months and after that you may liv on hair
like t.he kammylion for all the lodgers as cum to yours umbly,
MItRY HIUGGINS.
[We prmn MRns. HUGolNs's letter in its entirety, and our readers can
now judge for themselves whether the annotations we have added to
the previous letters of our Over-Worked Contributor" have been
either uncalled for or unjust. It was only last year that he took the
pledge, and talked of joining MR. CRUIKSITANxK's Temperance Corps.
This is how he keeps it; but, after cheating us in the way he has
already done, no behaviour of his can surprise us.-ED.]

T* .. -: i-. one of them, we have learnt that thoroughly, and from a

t Quite.
I We thought as much. Our wretched contributor has been giving way to the
vulgar vice of intoxication, and while writing this letter was evidently paying
the pennthy of his excess ini the shnpe of a severe headache. In common lan-
guage, he was suffering from "hot coppers !"
That we certainly shall.


0



;
a






"-


VIVAT REGINA.
S the l'oet Laureate has had rather
an; easy tilo of it lately, nnd
there doesn't appear to be nny
innicdiate probability of ua eve'nti
worthy of his renImrikable poe, we
take the liberty of suggesting that
le couldn't do better than occupy
the present slack senaon in rc-
inodelling that most preposterousi
of all preposterous poens, the
National Anthem; for the words
of C(ld savo the Queen would
positively disgrace the libretto of
our English Opera. The opening
verse-
(od save our gnariosln Queen !
Iong live our nolil Queen
God savo tl(e Queen !


were it not that the reiteration of its only sentiment reminds us of tlhe
opening verso-of the Otaheitan National Anthem :-
Not long ago there lived a king
Of Otalteito, Otalheite,
Not long ago theory lived a king
A king of Otahoito !
would be comparatively unobjectionable. But hllo poet CL.osE weld
repudiate the authorship of such lines as those that follow :-
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us!
Send her where? And the rhymes "victorious, glorious, orcr us."
This is unpardonable, where so obvious a termination as the following
suggests itself:-
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
(Now, gents all, chorius !)
(Olntes) God save the Queen I
Nobody ever know more than two-thirds of the National Anthem,
and we know no more than others. Wo remember, though, that the
following lines occur somewhero:-
Confound their politics,
Frustrato their knavish tricks,
On her our hopes we fix,
God save us all 1
We object to Confound their politics," as a niil form of swearing;
we object to knavish tricks, as a childish and i .iil. il, ,,. ,.I .I
description of the machinations of QI 'E VICIol'nIA's ni(iii's'; ind
we object to "On her our hopes we fix," because it is obvioully sug-
gested by the rhyme, and has nothing to do with tile irest of the verso.
The universality of the concluding benediction is eminently suggestive
of thle lato Mit. SAM HALL'S dying hymni.
Another verso contains this remarkable passage:-
May she protect our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice
God save the Queen.
We protest against "voice" as a rlymo to laws and cause, and beg to
suggest the following amendment:-
To sing with heart and jaws."
It is quite as expressive, and an infinitely better rhyme.
We forget the rest of this precious antlienI, but we know that it k,
all ungrammatical and unpoctical nonsense.


A NEW hEADING.-SIIAKSPEARET tells us that "Tho strawberry
growth under the nettle," buti we fancy that if the secrets of nmany
a noble house were known, it would be plainly seen that the order
was sometimes reversed, and that very often the nettle growiet.I
under the strawberry."
SAYING BY Ot:R PIIILOSOPHICAL COND1ucTo.-Tlho good thliiiilng s
this life are like the inside seats in an omnibus on a wet (iay. 'I(,
gain them you must struggle and puish tho insItant thly are vatutr.
Wait, and you have to go outside or lose them i,.... li.. .
PosITIVE AND COMP'A~ATIVE,-The member fir Elgin is D):I'r ; n h1bi
shilling is a duffer. Now, we must log our political readers not to(
connect the two ; that would be so unkind !


/~~ ~












14 T'T NT. [SEPTEMBER 26, 1863.


DELIGHTFUL FOR THE CAPTAIN.

Wlhippcr-Snappcr :-"TEN SHILLINGS THE DOZEN, SIR."
C'aptlain (distressed) :-" DoN'T MAKE SUCH A FUSS ; I ONLY WANT ONE TO BLOW MY NOSE ON."
1 I'hpp er-Snapper (in loud and commanding voice) :-"BRING A SINGLE HOD 'ANKERCHER FOR A GENT WITH A COLD."


THE MICHAELMAS GOOSE.
A SONG OF TIE SEASON(ING).
Ar-" The Ivy Green."
On a dainty bird is the Michaelmas goose,
With onions and sago stuffed well,
('Tis true, indigestion he may produce,
And pills and black draughts compel).
How grandly ho lies on the steaming dish,
The sauce of the apple beside,
And the toothsomest morsel man could wish
Will the Michaelmas goose provide.
Stooped in gravy-delightful juice!-
A dainty bird is the Michaelmas goose.
Steeped in gravy-delightful juice!-
A dainty bird is the Michaelmas goose.
But an ill-omened bird is the Michaelmas goose,
That reminds ono of quarter-day,
When the landlord won't hear of the least excuse
If your rent unprepared to pay.
When for tradesmen's bills in the county court
You are cruelly brought to book,
When they seize your goods-sew you up, in short,
When your Miichaelmas goose they cook.
Duns and bailiffs will play the deuce,
And utterly cook your Michaclmas goose.
Duns and bailiffs will play the deuce,
And utterly cook your Michaelmas goose.


In theatres fatal's the Michaelmas goose,
For the season when they ope,
And their first "sensation" play produce
If it's hissed beyond a hope.
The manager quails, be he ne'er so brave,
At the voice of the royal bird,"
And the season from failure nought can save
When the Michaelmas "goose" is heard.
Hoping for Christmas is not much use,
If the season begins with a Michaelmas "goose."
Hoping for Christmas is not much use
If the season begins with a Michaelmas goose!"

MAKING GAME.
ALTHOUGH we are no upholders of the game laws, we are supporters
of the laws of honesty, and in their cause gibbet the following adver-
tisement:-
PARTRIDGE SHOOTING.-To Keeners and Others.-Wanted, by a Gentle-
man, Four or Five Days' Shooting, within an easy distance from town, at
a moderate price.-Apply by letter to A. B., No.-, Cottages, Kilburn,
N.wN.
We have no objection to the shooting of either nob or snob, as long
as the present game laws exist, but we consider this a fair example of
the evil such laws work. MNl. A. B., of Kilburn, is by force of them
compelled to tamper with the honesty of game-preservers' servants in
order to obtain a day's sport. If this be not the meaning of the
advertisement, why is resort had to initials ?

SLOW AND SEWER.-The Metropolitan Railway.










:FUN .


-- -
:li ._ _~... ..

i',


-----`
--~~-
-----

f
----~


PRECOCITY !
Aunt Jemimea:--"Now, JOHNNY, YOU GET TO BED EARLY. ALWAYS DO SO, TIERE'S A DEAR,
AND YOU'LL BE ROSY-CIEEKED AND HANDSOME WHEN TOU GROW UP."
Master Johntny:-"WELL, AUNTY, TOU USED TO SIT UP LATE A GOOD DEAL WHEN YOU WAS
YOUNG, DIDN'T YOU? "


21



LOOKS INTO BOOKS.


AT THE PLAY.
The Deal Boatman, at Drury Lane, would have been a deal better
anywhere else. It is like a small page in a large household, too weak
for the place. Though called an "original serio-comic drama," it is
neither original nor comic, and the most serious thing about it is the
cool way in which we find our old friends, Peggotty, Steerforth, and
Em'ly, taken bodily out of one of M I. CHARLES DICKENS'S most
delightful novels, and thrust upon the stage re-christened. The
mixture which MR. BUrNAND has prescribed for the public is indeed
a saline draught of "David Copperfield," and a clari-fied decoction of
HOWARD PAYNE'S old domestic drama, so identified with Home, Sweet
Home, that though it was, of itself, a mere translation, the critics of the
day never found it out. MR. G. BELMORE, an exceedingly clever
actor of character parts, makes a great deal out of the old boatman,
Jacob Vance, and the only drawback to his increasing reputation, as
an original delineator of strong pathos, is the unfortunate circum-
stance that Iin. RoBsoN did precisely the same thing in the same way
several years before. The most original Deal boatman who comes
upon the scene is Phil. Bucket, MR. T. MATTHEWS, whose roll of the
quid in his mouth as he enters, and roll of the limbs as he suffers
himself at last to be persuaded by a buxom lass into becoming her
partner for a country dance, sends quite an odour of shrimps and
sea-weed through the house. If the young gentleman with quiver-


ing voice and uncertain limbs who plays Mat, ]ralber is his
apprentice, never mind the indentures, Phliil. Bucket, but l t, hi
run away directly. It is a grand thling to see a haughty b)lronet
stalking about the stage, saying desperate things about, utt ing ofl
the entail," in a low confidential tone to uninterested people iin Ilie
stalls. MR. BARRETT, who has this to do, looks as if lie thoroughly
enjoyed his position, and in his deep IBAnEtitir-tone, relates a story of
domestic sorrows, which is invaluable us a model of philosophical
endurance. A Stoic might profit by his example.
A roaring farce at the Strand asks through its title, IWhere's Your
Wife ?" and you had better sit in the boxes and hle asked that (ques-
tion rather than take her witl you to see it. It is very nearly being
a terrible piece of iniquity, but an explanation at tihe end copies just
in time to save the intriguing married couple who figure therein from
awful things being said about her morality and innmmorality. Ml.
BELIFORt is a desperately gay young dog" again, and lit. VOLL.AIINE
is equally reprehensible in lax habits and short trousers. niss MAllIA
SIlPsoN, as a supposed domestic, would be a dangerously fimsciatling
disturber of the peace of the household ; and Ml. DANRVEu, who1 is
always seeing dreadful goings on, and exclaims My eye oil all occa-
sions, winks at them in a way which is wonderful to behold. Tho
piece is a success, however, and the author is Mll..1. V. HlIollIO'MAN,
which gives the chance of saying that t' little more a-brildg-ir-nei "
would be desirable. THE ill .0 l.


VOL v.


OcTOBER 3, 1863.]


-- ------ ---~


--


I


1lY A LATTERDAY R iViD I`I.WI.
WE have glanced over breakfast
in llcd,"-of course, in the sheets;
and find that though the author
nods at times, lie is pretty wide
awake as a rule. He is very strong
in his approval of the great, N .A,
which might be expected in one who
dates his letters from Beds.
Thi Laureate Wreal h," by R 1:.\L;,
wo didn't. leaving turned o\vr tho
leaves, we laid the wreath auide,
having asi'.red ouIrselves it ii not
composed ot imm]rtlei'lh's
"Eleanor's Victory is not tile
authoress' triumph. Altlom h there
is some capital writing ill it,, it has
no purpose, and we don't, like the
end at all.
We have read a Dislitled lnheri-
tancee" and nipprove of lio title, tor
there is an heoir-of probability
wanted in the story.
Thoso who read and admired Abol
Drake's Wife," will be sorry tIo lind
themselves disappointed in its sue-
cessor. There will be very lill.le
excitement stirred upl by Martiin
Pole."
Wo greet very heartily-a now and
complete edition of liuowmiNO's
Poems." In these shallow days we
recommend everyone who lilts Ita mIind
to indulge in a IIiOWN(INI) study
of these volumes, full of vigoroIls,
ellectivo pictures in the grandest
language.


A(CItIAVATEDn ASSAUTIT.
VIOLEI:NCE iippears to lie file order
of tlo day. Only last week a nulrsery-
man was charged, tt thlio iistanen (if
the Society for the i'reventlion iof
Cruelty, with striking sOnnle yoing
geraniums, tlhe ropertyof lii master.
Strange to aiy, lie was disHharged,
although in his defence lie oad ited
having just about that time lipt
into" the grenhllou;e.











FTU1T.


[OCTOBER 3, 1863.


I
I X/E:Q


THE LAY OF THE LODGING-HOUSE KEEPER,.


I


__ __~


I ~


~c Chnlhl~hlT T~TF~RnFN.


~ I


No. 57.-SIR DE LACY EVANS, G.C.B. AND M.P. Am-" The Cottage by the sea."
TIIE EVANSES, of Miltown, in Ireland, were, of course, a fighting SuMsimn days have gone and left me,
family. The hero of this biography, DE L iCY, was born in 1787, at a Comin e inters cold and gloom
place rejoicing in the euphonious title of Moig. At the age of twenty Secd or and drawing-room.
lie entered the army as an ensign, and bagan his military career i Second floor and drawing-room.
India-rather a hot climate for active service. He was engaged in Lonely on the beach I ponder,
the operations against AMEER KH.AN--who was more than a mere Where such rowds used late to be,
puppet. The British arms, however, upset the KIAx, and sent him Or through oo by the seea
to pot with his troops-the Pindarees, who had to beat pretty nimble In my ctage by e se
pinned a retreat. In 1810 young EVANS, who had risen to a lieu- As my stair carpet I take up,
tenancy two years previously, lefo India, but was soon in the thick Which no lodger stays to tread,
of fighting again. From 1812 to 1811 lie was serving his country, What fond memories will wake up
and serving out his country's foes in Portugal, Spain, and France. Of the paying season fed.
In the last-named year he was transfi'rred to the battle-fields of To my four-post bed returning,
America; was present at the capture of Washington, and the attacks No more hopes of L. s. d.,
on Baltimore and Now Orleans. In 1815 he returned in time to be By sleeping in the coal-hole earning,
one of the heroes of Waterloo. For his gallantry in action lie received In my cottage by the sea.
his company ; we may observe here that his majority and lieutenant-
colonelcy were also conferred on him afterwards for his conduct I'm once more (a sea-side Crusoe)
against the enemy. Monarch of all I survey,
lie has boon wounded several times-occasionally severely-and Here I reign-I wouldn't do so-
hal frequently had his horse killed under him. But he has almost as But "to let" no more will pay.
many stars as scars to show, so he may be said to have "medalled" In my own first-floor I live now,
with edged-tools to some purpose. Far too good for folks like me,
After Waterloo his active service was exchanged for another ocen. But there's none a rap would give now,.
pation-that of Paris. For my cottage by the sea.
Peace, however, does not appear to have had any great charms for None who'd purchase wine or brandy,
him. In 1831, as there was no fighting to be had, he went in for a Which securely they'd lock up
contested election, and stood for Rye. He probably chose the borough (Though a second key comes handy,
because the influence of the LA.i family was great there, and he When I waon the slightest sup.)
wanted to make them look sheepish. He went in like a lion, and None who'll pay for tea ad better,
came out like a Lx o--that is to say, successfully-a simile usually With all which I might make free,
applied to the month of March, and therefore suitable for a soldier. I'm in desolation utter
In this same year at the general election, however, the constituents In my cottage by the sea.
made Rye faces at him, and he was defeated. It was not his nature
to hear defeat, so lie fought it again the same year, and was this time When my dinner-table put on,
victorious. The next year he lost his seat once more, contested West- Is the cheap though paid for fish,
miniiiiter also, and was also unsuccessful there. How I long for gratis mutton,
In 1833 lhe opposed Sin JoHx C.AM HosHuous for Westminster, and Never missed from lodger's dish.
beat him after a stiff conltet. For this metropolitan borough he sat How I dream of meats delicious,
from 1833 until 1811, but for some portion of the period in the saddle. To be paid for ne'er by me,
In 1335, "by sanction and desire of Government, and by order of But October's not propitious
the king in council," he accepted the command of the Spanish Legion, For the cottage by the sea.
and reaped plentiful Spanish laurels by the success with which lie
conducted operations against the Carlists. Throughout the whole All have gone. A fishing village
campaign he is said to have lost only a few unarmed stragglers, while Must this once gay spot remain,
he took a hundred officers, a thousand men, thirty cannon, and forts No more profits-no more pillage,
and towns in plenty. Ho was made Lieutenant-General of the Till the summer comes again.
National Army of Spain, and received the Crosses of Sr. FERDINAND Like those creatures hybernating,
anu ClIAuu.:S IIl. He was made a C.B. by QUEEN VICroRIA at this Who scarce living seem to be,
tiinm. In 181.1 lie was missing from his place in Parliament, but he So for months must I be waiting
w1i returned to it in 181.6 by his old constituents of Westminster. He In my cottage by the sea.
has kept. his representation until now. Yet, when I the plunder count up,
In 1851. lie was appointed to the command of the 2nd Division in Not so bad I find is my store,
the Easlern Campaign, and was present at Alma, Balaklava, and Let me hope that it will mount up
Inkmermanni. His bravery was specially reporto-l by the commander. To as much in sixty-four.
in-chief; and he returned on sick-leave shortly after in time to receive I've no reason to feel crusty
the tllniks of arli:anent. Since then he has been made a G.C.B., At the season sixty-three,
and-by the E.mm'intOR or THr FItEENCi-a grand officer of the Legion My gains were clearly none so dusty,
of Ilonomn-. In my cottage by the sea.
Si mn,.: L\cy EA.Ns is a Liberal to the back-bone, in favour of a In my cottagee b the sea.
large increase of the franchise, vote by ballot, and abolition of church.
rates. In mat'rrs connected with his profession he has ever fought
on thli right sile, nnd is one of the trogost opponts of the present ANOTH TE-LOO.
system of sale of commissions in the army. ANOTHER WATER-LOO.
It is generall, supposed the General was the chief fount whence CoroNEL CRUIKSITANK'S Corps, the 49th Middlesex, or Temperance
MR. KiNxr.AK i derived information for his famous book on the Volunteers, were observed not long since marcirn' solemnly to the
C'imie'ani C.unip).in. Manv enraged offi-ar. have declared ti t if lie sound of pipes (not tobacco pipes, for they are to:-al abstainers) and
is the source, it is like his impudence. If lih be, we can only say the drums and trumpets in a torrifio shower of rain. There can be no
testimnioy of so :1llant an officer and a tried Liberal, is all that is doubt that each of the so-called teatotallers maot have taken several
no, ', 1I to support Mi. Klxu.',KF's an' oritv. drops on this occasion. The gallant wet-eran who led them ought to
Thei vte:':lrn ;'nerl ihas spent fifty-six years of his life in the have known better than to have made such a w.vcr-colon- exhibition
smrvie of lhiir u:-tryhv. W. can quit. un 1li-tand the exclamnat:wo of; of his corps. We have no desire, after the dlamp that was cast on
the i alr, (;,,ol 1 s!" wheln he learns tllis. An existace i them, to decry the regiment's valour-wo simply question the wisdom
ia ltr itiL hbet-wen batt e-fields and contested elections, for such a I of such a parade-twenty-four rank and fi!e, not including the band,
legth oft une witll snuch ontarnishel holnou"r, is an object of admiria- or the colonel, or the colonel's celebrated groggy charger !- Of course,
tion. Every logical mind will derive real pleasure from thus perusing in case of invasion, the twenty-four teatotallers would draw-like
at once the life of the general and the particulars. pumps-in the defence of their country.


I









F UTT


OCTOBER 3, 1863.]


ENOUGH TO WARM THE BLOOD OF A TURNIP.
THERE seems to be no bound to the folly and cruelty of some
people. MIR. EDWAtD CHISM, of Slig--we give his name and address
in full, for fear it should be doubted that anything human like him
could exist-has prosecuted an unhappy, starving, half-naked woman
for stealing-one turnip! Such an a action is enough to raise the
blood of every turnip in the field to boiling pitch. Tei woman
admitted that on her way to the sea-shore to gather bladder-wrack for
her sick child, she did pick up the turnip, adding, There are very few
farmers in this same Ballincar that would have done the like of this
on me for the sake of a turnip." We should hope so; and can
see the character of MR. EDWARD CiISiM, of Sligo, bears from her
remark, I didn't know you had land at Ballincar." The magistrate
asked the generous Cilisn to pay for the summons and let the woman
be discharged. But not a bit of it, he wished to have her shown she
must not take a turnip of his. "And haven't I been in jail nearly a
week for that one turnip ? asked the poor thing. Didn't I tell you
I was going, for a bit of wrack, and didn't I tell you that I did take
up the turnip,? Sure, I don't deny it, but haven't I been a whole week
almost injaile and not one since to look after my sick child ? Neverthe-
less, CIISmt was determined on having her up at Tecson Sessions, and'
even went so 'far as, by slow degrees, to persuade hi m self out of half-a-
crown, to ensure his revenge. So the poor woman will have to bo
tried ath Teeson Sessions for ME. pWARD CHISM'S one turnip.
"Well, (Cttn knows we'll get justice, at any rate, and G(lO will take
care of us," were her words. To our ears, they go up as- a sollemn
appeal from human law to divine justice. We have no love of de-
nouncing judgments. against our fellow-creatures, but we must ask,
would it surprise anyone, after such gross cuelty and tyranny, if tra f the
fruits of the earth refused to grow for such a man, and the whole
crop, of which he refused a morsel for a starving woman, were to rot
before his eyes?


g atomicc I3torie at etealbrie.

130oc Pi ftrstre.
CHAPTER III.
HAVING detailed the different varieties of arms and how each may
be acquired, we next come to consider the shield or escutcheon, with
which, however, we do not intend to cover our deficiencies, but shall
boldly proceed in our poaching exhibition on the peculiar field of the
HIerald's College, though in our own manner. hoe science may be
strictly preserved by GairTEt, UrSTR, and Co.; still, in these free-trade
days, we hope to find soene game in it.
Shields are of many kinds; first, there is the shield proper used by
ancient warriors, on which their arms were blazoned, and with which,
while tasting the sweets of war, they avoided getting too much of the
whacks. Then, again, the copy-books which schoolboys plase under
their jackets and unmentionables prior to having a practical, if, per-
haps, free translation of VIRGIL'S arma vi'runique cano," or arms
and the man (or boy) I cane," may also be regarded as a shield, and
on this, or rather the skin underneath it, sable and gules predominate,
after the visitation. Again, when a wife sets down as "sundries"
the sum spent out of the house money on a now dress, that may also
be considered as a shield; these last, however, must be considered as
shields improper, and it is with the first-mentioned kind that we at
present have to do. And so we will no longer stand shivering on the
edge of the shield, but at once jump boldly into the middle of it.
In Heraldic language the shield is the ground on which the coat of
arms is painted, and on which tih achievements of the owner were
not only symbolically depicted co lcur do rose, but also all the colours
of the rainbow as well. Origi:. illy the device was placed on the
buckler of the owner; but after a time, finding that in battle, from
the colours not being warrante'l fast," they were very apt to get
chipped off, the knights had them painted on their banners instead,
perhaps in the belief that when hard pressed a sight of the flag of
their masters might raise the flagging courage of their retainers, who
in such moments became special retainers in their service. Shields,
like bonnets, were of various shapes. In very ancient times they were
made like a horseshoe, to typify the hammering they occasionally
received; or triangular, which, having three sides, would have suited
our present CHANCELLOR OF THE ltXCHEQUER. Sometimes, also, the
shields were heptagonal, or with seven points, which must have been
awkward to carry, as, unless the bearer was very careful, the sharp
points must have either run into his chin or his thigh. NMARK ANTONY,
the triumvir, had one of this shape; but as at the battle of Actium
he very decisively lost the game, to say nothing of such a trifle as his


life at the same time, the seven points of his shield were in that,
instance not points inl his fivour. 'onming dow, Ihowever, IT mI
modern ties, we find that those shields of knights' hliluireils we
square, which was minoe tlan actions always ora io,' ililo theso of"
priests were oval; but as these soldiers of lie church iilit m(l or, as
some have written it, i nll-] -an't-never fought, itl did not nmnh imatter
what shape their shields were. Ladies, again, whose pnipl we s
were then, as now, their tongues, and who consequently hald also no
real use for shields, were yet provided with those articles, but. in the
shape of a lozenge, which to the uninitiated recalls the jujubo of
domestic life with great reality.
It now remains fior nts to lscribe te ldic shield o
as received at the present tinio ; and hero we nunst apologize: to our
readers if, in order to mnako onur subject inutlligilole, wo soenlliiiie'
light on ground so dry tlhat noteven the mIost invotcra:to jeste c iIuld
moisten it with a single joko ; iut wo will promise to go ita swil Ily
over those arid plains as wee possibly can.
Walk up, ladies and gentlemen, lind observe thle l'eilddi ahiMiil.
SObservo those ,t .-
SB tors, ichieh art
Slliterallyv tle II
C of illo siiile'.
Eivcry one lias iis
Dm ineotitiig, whilil i(i
nioro (lhill ( til ll"
E said it le) lIet 'rs
of' SOIllo pio'Iplt'.
r A II ( are tlh lirtl,
t and theso thire orl
called tl the chlil,"
I nexion witli ilndian
Sand, Saott .isli cl ,iefl .
A is tile doexer, (or
right chief; B tho
precise, tmiiddlo
l chief; iand C the
Sinister, or left
V chief. Every
schoolboy will tell
\ (ius Icm nct 1) follows
a n odn5elpint \I in the alphablet,
i i i '1''' i ndl So it does
--., I 1" lohere, and ii crIlhIld
V Life t o it o I f I.
s .. .. i" oilnt;" n1Iext'Clllii
.. -----2'~- E, and this inll io
fess point ; obtcrvo
also it is the exact middle of tile shield, and even wllen nicely latlinted
can only be pretty iniddling; then we lavo F, tn ilporlalnt lettii, r, IH
it commences FI'N, and so has naturally a claims oil o'r ri'igard ; it, is
called the nonibril, or navel point; last there are G 1I and 1, thie dexter
middle and sinister base points.
Which concludes the entertainment, and all for the ridiculounly
small charge of oeo penny.


OUR OWN AGONY COLUMN.

F te young Gentlenln witli ,ho wiirt oi ]iiis nose, Mvivel w-, 'inl riirroliy
whiskers, who Fill, opposite Io .e yoii'g laily with Ii .*i lIris itlid
scarlet onnllet, will senld hias iadd'ress Ii No. 3, ThinuIper-row, Uilyswltter, lie niuy
got his head nicely punched for his trouble.
0 -- S D CK- NS.-Dcar (IAia.is---When ira we giiiig tii itive tunolicr
S serial? 'Tlie puilic aro l;ilig'K, yo lr li h u h ilil li ii.', in1d
everyone is cxpectiing. Whicn, (il whlin are we to' bei l. rLtifiLd? ILteurn to
your former induilsiriolls habits, iand 11l irmay yet be well.
I 1HIIE IY GIVE NOTI:' I1E tht 1 will not lie ainswe'lalile for tlii vuK"gl'ic
adiil antics of ainy of tlie Toy liarly during I..c Io rci:c-c wLii.o pmi iip ii'l I]
have been slppocsd to lav e wcdiel.il (Signd) Dl.It lY.
W AI,T1R It1- G-- -- Y.-lic elwnirne it. is too lute. sHocond fiddlu i youlr
pror level for level; fo firbl you, have no qulililicLatios.
A DOLIHUS.-You left us last T'iesday week; finca Utlen verytlliinlg li!l
JA gOe on so comforlilily. We lihve lil beein druirnl: hi whole ltil.', HllI
your father i nd rmolhli irlhave lisd two tlghts, Uilli Ltiri\s .I ollr little Bisit:r Iul, (
window. The only tlins ov wii tlloilll to COlnljlc. ot r liuai;liinsea is tli kely ol'
the gin cluploard. 'lei .,e s,. : it as soon as p1ssile.
-P the CabTman wlio took ia .ii li ,'..,. .i gentleman from PicM dilly to
Jl or rlydown soie time -a .' i... l i't kw prccriy Wil'i-
will retirni the puIrseU .., ,,, let in his cub, he will te I ev, uit.d.-- Addi' er
SIMPLE BIMuoXv, EsQ., IL. I-. i- 'Ih.


^I I


I









24T I[OCTOBER 3, 1863.






---------- -


CROSSING THE RAPIDMUCK.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.
BOOK III.-OLD FRIENDS. BY AL-X-NDRE D-[--S.
Author of "Monte Presto," "The Three Flibustiers," Fifty Years
After," "Sixty Years After That," "Ever so Much~ After Every-
thing," etc., etc.

CHIAPTElR .-HOW ONE SOMETIMES REVIVES TO FIND ONE'S SELF
TAKEN PRISONER.
DIGREssroN made.
Let us resume.
When the CAPTAIN PHILIP DOireE saved himself from the barranca,
he left his two comrades with precipitation.
KIDDEE-of whom the regard sombre and profound accused the
habitudes of a life savage and agrestic-of whom the eyes burnt with
a fire slow, livid, indicible-did not say but one word.
"Booh !"
And at this instant even he plunged himself into the torrent which
roared at the bottom of the barranca.
As for the SYKES, he is, without doubt, a corpse.
Without doubt?
See, then.
His arms move restlessly.
His feet begin to stir.
No! He is not dead, this insensible being!
He leaps to his feet; he seeks his gun; lie puts himself in position
of defence. At that instant his arms are seized from behind; they
are pinioned ; resistance is impossible; and the chief, known as the
NASTY TIGER, advancing and saluting his prisoner with the charac-,
teristic courtesy of an old French nobleman of the ancient regimen,
says to him-
Surrender yourself, Monsieur the Englishman!"
Figure you to yourselves the astonishment of SYKES as he heard the


accents of his beloved though barbarous dialect! And from what
lips ?
From those of one who seemed an Indian chief upon the path of
war!
II.--H0W TE FORTUNE OF A PRISONER OF WAR IS NOT ALWAYS A
HARD ONE.
IMPOSSIBLE to resist.
SYKES submitted to his fate; then, looking around him with an air
of bewilderment, for lie was as yet but half-conscious, he demanded:
Where are I? and who the Blazes are you ?"
"Attend ye," responded the NASTY TIGER.
Where's CAPPEN DOMBOY ? asked the faithful one.
He has fled," repliqued the chief.
"What, bolted? levanted? vamosed? took his hook? cut right
slick away P 'Taint worthy of him I" cried the Trapper. And to
leave me here, all alone of myself in this here ditch, which barrancas
such may be called, but ditches they are, and beastly ones too-him
as I would have laid down of my life for to save from the bite of a
flea, to go and leave a poor old trapper to the mercies of a set of savage
brutes like them which I sees around me "-
"Hold ye, Monsieur the Englishman," said the chief. "Your lan-
guage, know ye, is not of the most polite. Brutes? Savages? What
sign of being either have we given? Have we fired a shot?
Respond!"
Well, I can't say as yer has, but yer might !"
"Have we ill-treated you, our prisoner ? Answer ye, then!"
"Well, I won't say yer have; but yer may! "
"Wait, then. It is unworthy, then, of a noble English cavalier,
such as I take Monsieur to be, to lavish injuries against the fortunes
of the war. Monsieur is as safe as though he were in Ouitehall or
Ouindsor!"
"There's a good deal in Whitehall and Windsor as wouldn't be
worry safe itself if I was only there to get at it! muttered the
burglar between his teeth.
The chief continued: "Do not mistake me for an Indian marauder.
I am French, gentleman, noble. I do not war with the English-I







fU NT.-OCTo


II
I;


CUB-HUNTING.


Bussell (the Cautious I

I------ ______


tuntsman):--"DO AS YOU LIKE, GENTLEMEN; BUT LOOK BEFORE
YOU LEAP!"


BEE 3, 1863. i


,


; I7I7.7---










OCTOBER 3, 1863.]


:F -UN'T.


have a policy to myself. I am an ambitious. Later, I will explain to
you my plans. As much as to the present, you no longer are my
prisoner; you are my guest. Unloose then the captive, Braves Let
me clasp the hand of an English cavalier "
"Servant, sir," said SYKES ; and wet I will say is, if Death should
follow, as must come to us all soon or late, as you've treated me hand-
some and you've spoke me fair, and there's my fist upon it!"
Affecting embrace!
Alliance Anglo-French, cemented on the battle-fields of the Crimea
and the China-renewed again upon the rolling prairies of the West.
Mayest thou prove eternal, sublime fact in the history of two peoples
generous and brave!


CHAPTER III.-OLD FRIENDS IN NEW DAYS WlTr NEw PLANS.
Found days had passed.
The encampment of the NASTY TIGER had been reached. ROGER
SYKES sat smoking a delicate cigarette in the luxurious tent of that
mysterious chief.
At one end, a piano of the most researched; around it, violins,
harps, guitars; at another, a bookcase, filled with the best editions of
the classics of France (MOLELtE, VOLTAIRE, myself, and others).
Curtains of rose-amber shielded the tent from the violent rays of
sunlight.
On the divan, beside SYKES, sat the chief. His three counsellors
each occupied a chair.
The conversation had evidently lasted for a considerable time.
"What name, then ? asked the chief.
"ROGER SYKES was the answer.
"Ah SYKES-SYKES; these are the SYKES of Yorkshire county,
oh! yes. I knew that the English cavalier was gentleman. The
nobilities encounter and comprehend themselves! I am -
D'ARTAGNAN "
"And I," said a tall counsellor, rising, am ATHOS."
"PORTHOS said a huge warrior.
Allow me to introduce myself to you as ARAMIs! said the third.
"Well," said the astonished Briton, "I'm blowed if I didn't think
you must be somebody Why, bless you, I've read all about you
along of penny numbers when I were a kid! "
D'ARTAGNAN and his companions spoke the English; but they
had not yet mastered the more difficult art of understanding it when it;
is spoken in reply. Thus it was that they were still in the dark as to
the social position of SYKES, who had quite innocently allowed them
to believe that he was a relation of the late SIt TATTON.
"Listen, then!" continued D'AlrAoNAN. "For centuries, from
father to son, the fellowship of the Musketeers has descended. We
are now as strong as ever; but we cannot, of course, remain in Franoo
under the present system. A Musketeer may really do anything that
he likes-except bend the knee to an usurper. It follows that I
cannot swear fealty to M. BONA PARTE -otherwise a man of some merit,
despite his very doubtful origin and his decidedly criminal antece-
dents. I am still sworn subject of HENRI CINQ."
"Live HENRI CINQ! cried Arnos, emptying his glass. He had
often done so before.
"Live HENIs CIN cried PORT1ros, emptying his.
Live HENRI CINQ! cried ARAMIs,.aud his was emptied.
"By all means. Certinkly. -Live HENRY SANK cried SYKES, and
quaffed.
"Resume we! proceeded D'ARTAGNAN. Debarred from our
legitimate sphere of activity in Europe, it occurred to us to come to
America. Why ? Because the road to Paris, for ]HENRI CINQ, begins
at New Orleans. Once found a powerful French state in the Now
World-you follow me, gentlemen-it reacts upon the Old. How to
do ? First, to conciliate the indigens-the aborigens-and to unite
them into a nation ; then, to overcome the resistance of the American
Republic, in which I have already so carefully sown the seeds of dis-
union that before ten years are over, you will find that the South will
be engaged in civil war with the North ; and then, to invite IHENIlI
CINQ to accept the throne as Monarch of the Prairies. Mark my
words, SiR SYKEs. I know Paris well. Three months after Paris has
realized the idea of' Monarch of the Prairies' it will be her sensation.
She will arise in her majesty. She will chase away the son of the
Dutchman and the Creole. She will call ITr sxer CINQ to the throne.
Such is my plan. What think yo of it, Sili SllaYS !"
I think," rejoined SYKEs, "as it does honner to yer'ead and 'cart.
Only, as a practical man. How far have you got ? "
"As regards the Indians," said D'AITAcGNAN, "I have obtained
supreme influence over three hundred of them. As regards tihe
American citizens of the South"--
There was a tap at the entrance to the tent. Enter ye," cried
D'ARTAGNAN.


A servant appeared.
HIe announced a visitor.
)'ARTAUNAN ilnquireid his lnamie.
The servant looked at S i.Ks, and seemed to hesitate.
Speak ye," said )D'lYAir IaAN.
: MONSIEvR JEFFFZON D.AVIS," said thle scrvam.
Undisturbed by the mention of a name' which was alreily well
known-but which was afterward s toncquirc a celebrity so enormous,
the Musketeers interreigaTded each other, and nmrmunred under their
thick mustache, "lOne too many."
The keen instinct of SiKYE noticed this.
"Look here, gents, I see as I ain't wanted. Jlst give ie a iii"ge
as a guide, and i'm off. I follows CAT.lA r IN Doii, as lefit me a lyinr
helpless at the bottom of the barraniec until I gets uip with him, and
when I does I shall have something toi say to him r s perhaps lihe won't,
much like. No, gents, give me a nig;t"r for a guide, ind with mani
thanks fur fivours r.''eiv'd, anll ho1ronae0 r loI HEINY r AN ,I oil' I goes."'
"Hold!" said D'A r T.r NAN. "You will want money. I ami rii'h.
You will allow ie to bei your Ianker for tih present.. Accept tliis."
"This," said ATios, handing himn is card, will admit you to nll
the saloons of your insular aritocracy "
"Thlis," said PofiTros, "to the mansions of your weallhy widows!"
"And this," said Al.tois, "to the ollicial palaces of miilords tlh
Bishops of the Anglican communion "

IV.-H-ow A JOURNEY IS SOMETIMES ]NTEItFEIED WITH.
ON that same night, escorted by an aged negro, who's woolly hair
was gray with age, IRoimE SYirts set. out upon hiis journey.
They reached tlie shore of the Rapidmuck.
Not a boat was to be seon.
"How shall we cross P" asked SrYKEs.
"Lookeo hlyar, mrassa! said tlh negro, and lie plunged, old as he
was, into the rolling stream.
SYKES soon followed him.
Half-way across, they became aware that alligators were on their
track! !

A NOTE ON THE GREAT MARRIAGE QUESTION.
I saY, old fellow, we all know there's no FUN wilitout a illnily--
pshaw! I mean there's no family without in l'N-i-lTaIl,'s it,; well, by
Jove, two or throo of our follows think-which they don't often do -
that if you'wcro to have 1a comic cut-I think you call Ithei' ncts,"
but I had a cut once whon I was a schoolboy, andl it, wasn't at all
comic-but you know what 1 meau-that showed a young girl Itrn-
ing up her nose at a young chap because ie lho sn't more than 11 rising
salary of a hundred and lifty to marry on, that, it would be, by .Jove,
a good way of giving the nmammas a broad hint that we follows, who
didn't marry, didn't because they counld't, you know. By Jove,
what's a chap to do who gets snubbed in this way but to smoke
cigars like one o'clock to quiet his excited nerves ? Not that I know
what sort of smoking that is, but yi i know, you know, and by Jovo
you don't know what a deal of good you can do down rlixton way.
It will make all the diffironce in the next quarterly re1pont of mairriages,
which the Registrar-General says is getting below the averoige. ltii
the noses that do it. lly Jove -you will sond upl the price ol'weddlig-
rings directly, and make a lot of follows settle who now can't setftle nat.
all, because they are told they must wait, and soe what turns upl, and
what that is you know; you know.-Yours, old follow,
ONE wIIO KNOWS WHAT HE KNows.


WANTED-A WIFI1.
Wz extract the following advertisement from tlie Daily Telrgraph :-
r o UN t ANRR IED LADIES.-A young Grrmnn gentleman, of good
.JL aipp'Irance, ysiperior cilltl tioll, Ilnd 1 ooi l ill(ncOie froIil his Io)\II bnllllies,
wishes to mcrt l willh i Yonllr Ii, ly', of 19 ')I 2Sc yuer.s of ig"e, I11n i whlio hsin h)1
cotr rol or cSxe.ict;aitiiIIn ora lit.leO iiriun('o i' l(ir oe VIi. S'lr Ilii-L JI ; w riell '(;lriiL'lId,
roid acquainltud wiflh thoe duties or the lous'ih'idM. The glovrli;'er's ago is 2H.
Please address, W., etc. 'Th'i srLctrcst secrecy cmn In relied ii]on..
Often as we have commented on matrimonial adlvcrtismnecnts, yet, it
has seldom been our fortune to moot saich clandour as in lthe annollllnc-
ment of this enterprising Teuton. From hir expressed deliir' tiat,
the lady's income should bo under her owni control, wo slhouhli say ho
has already been a victim to the interference of sitony-lheartled guar-
dians with obtrusive-not to say offensive-views on tlie Bsubject of
settlements, and wishes in the present instance to avoid anfy smchl
I'. _'.. ,- interference. His nation are often accused of being ri"hOer
in theoretical than practical ideas; but our advertiser is c'rtlainrly in
exception to the general rule, for if he is really with Iis idIars, Ih lha;:
also an idea of the ready," which shows him, at least, to emri-
nently practical.


~~~









'28 FU T N.


OCTOBERR 3, 1 .
[OCTOBER 3, 18G3. !,


ADVICE GRATIS.
WE are always ready to profit by the advice of our friends and well-
wishers, so the subjoined letters which we have received from artists
of celebrity shall meet with our best consideration:-
DEAR FUN,-Allow me to direct your attention to some grievous
faults and omissions in your illustrations.
Why do you always make the clothes, in which your swells are
dressed, fit them ? Clothes never fit. Besides, you seem to forget
that a coat usually has three seams down the back, from all of which
deep wrinkles radiate. Never for-
get your wrinkles; they give so
much life to a drawing. Ialsowish
to remind you that your artists
always omit that deep black
S shadow which is invariably found
on both sides of a nose. Boots,
when properly worked up, are
telling things in a wood-sketch.
I enclose as a contribution to your
-: capital paper a very funny idea
That occurred to me all at once the
other day. It is a study of a fat
S old party hailing the last omnibus,
Sand is, I think, a very ludicrous
-.. subject. If you wish to hear from
ms again, I have no doubt we
can come to an arrangement.
Volunteer subjects liberally treated with, and a reduction made on
taking a quantity.-Ever yours, C- K--.
DEAlI MR. EDITOR,-Allow me to put you in possession of a golden
rule for identifying character. A profile of a virtuous lady has two
outlines, of a virtuous gentleman three outlines, and of a vicious
rulfian four outlines. Virtuous ladies have small mouths; vicious
ruilians huge mouths, with the tooth hanging out. These receipts are
infallible; one trial will prove the fact.-Yours devotedly,
J- G--T.


always present to the eye of the artist; throw in a sunset and some
poplar trees against it, and there you are.-Yours faithfully,
J. M--s.
FuN,-Death gripes, swollen knotted muscles, distended nostrils,
flashing eyes, hair on end, teeth set, check suits, curls, envy, hatred,
and malice. Have you read the Golden Twine ?-Yours,
J. T--L.


SWEET COUNSEL.
A STREET row exercises an irresistible fascination over a large clas
of people. A dispute about a cab-fare, a difference of opinion between
two rival charioteers on Ludgate-hill, or an interchange of slang
between two street boys, is frequently sufficient to attract a crowd
that will effectually block up a populous thoroughfare. Now if loafers,
who are fond of rows, would spend their spare time in the Central
Criminal Court, or the Middlesex Sessions House, they would not
only be able to indulge in their favourite propensities, and that
unchecked by meddling policemen, and, moreover, in a sitting position,
but they would also materially benefit public traffic. This is the sort
of thing they would witness. It took place at the Central Criminal
Court last week, but the venue might equally well have been the
Middlesex Sessions.
Ms. RInrox thought it very unlikely that any Englishman would submit
tamely to an interference under such circumstances [it was a case in which a
policeman had ordered a man to move on"], and that the prisoner had a right
to act as he had done. He believed no one would controvert that doctrine.
The COMMox-SERJEAT.--I certainly will, and I am surprised to hear you lay
it down. The constable, in my opinion-and I shall tell the jury so-was in the
execution of his duty, and the prisoner had no right to kick him when he was
down.
MR. I1intro (who now raised his voice).-I shall call witnesses to prove that
the prisoner was in the first instance assaulted by the constable.
The ConiO-SERJEANT.-But it is important that your witnesses should not
be withinhearing of the line of defence you intend to set up.
Mr. RIBTON.-Gentlemen, I think I have a right to complain of this inter-
ruption upon the part of the bench. It appears to me to be out of place, but I
presume it was only intended as a sort ofjocular remark.
The court not being in the habit of chaffing counsel from the bench,
very properly replies.


S Sil,-Why don't you curl your The Corxxo-SERJANTr.-Excuse me. I certainly did not intend it as a
/ subjects' legs ? Why don't their jocular remark. What I intended was, that the witnesses you are about to call
s l should not be listening to the line nf ,ref1np yot nr nhnllt n ot,.


/ ////


toes turn up? Answer me that,
nigger! Why don't you make
your girls jowly? Where are the
parabolic curves in your drapery ?
Why do you give your girls crino-
line and long waists ? Call your
people artists? Pooh! Look at
this. Here is a most amusing idea
which I don't mind giving you. The
occurrence took place at the area-
gate of my own abode. SARA DE
FONTAINEBLEAU, a slavey attached
to my retinue, is bidding an affec-
tionate adieu to her devoted RoBERT
-a local crusher-who is about to
face a dense and dishonest popula-
tion in the immediate neighbour-
hood. The undaunted peeler swears
on his staff that no consideration
whatever shall tempt him to be
false either to his SARA or his
sergeant. You will perceive that
it is a good burlesque on the
knight-errant people of several
years ago. You may have it.
Du M--.


DARLING OLD FUN,-Why don't you have more sketches of girls
bathing? It's a most telling subject, I assure you. Girls in a gale
are good. Low dresses are most effective, and command a ready
sale. Sketches in the IIaymarket are brisk. Don't be offended at a
hint. By-the-bye, let me congratulate you on the success of your
paper. I had no idea you would be gay so long.-Ever, old boy,
devotedly yours, J-- L- .
DEAR SIR,-Do you wish for immortality ? You do? Good. Then
observe this receipt:-
To MAKE A PRIE-RAPIIAELITE WVOOD-SKETCH.-Take your block,
cover it with close cross-hatching in every direction ; when your tint
is pretty uniform, sketch your outline with your Chinese white; throw
in your shadows with your Indian ink, scrub your drapery with sand-
paper to give it that scratchy appearance which drapery should


This seems reasonable enough, and Mn. RIBTON begins to get
frightened.
SM. RIBnrTO.-I can only say that I am in the discharge of my duty, and that
if I have spoken loudly, or attributed anything to his lordship which circum-
stances do not warrant, the interest which I feel for my client must plead my
excuse.
The Coenox-SERJEANT.-I am judge in this co-rt, and you are counsel, and it
is part of my duty to see that you discharge your duty with propriety.
MR. RIDTON.-I am not aware of the least impropriety on my part. I am
sorry if I have been guilty of any.
The CosMoNs-SERJEANT.-You may not be aware of it, but your manner, tone,
and conduct altogether is so disrespectful that I cannot shut my eyes to it.
Then follows a gentlemanly intimation on the part of the counsel
that an impartial judge wishes to floor him in his argument.
MB. RIBTO.--Am I not to be allowed to discharge my duty to my client with-
out having remarks made which are intended to embarrass me ?
But the COMMON-SEIEEANT happens to know his duty, and is, for
once, too many for MR. RIBTON.
The ConrMon-SsBBEAN.-It is most unfair on your part to say so. If you dare
to presume to repeat these observations, I shall adjourn the court, and I shall
take care to have this matter reported in the proper quarter.
MR. RIBToX.-I can only say-
The ('COnoON-SEsJaANT.--Be silent.
MR. RInB O.--I hope this will be reported in the newspapers.
The COeMON-SERJEANT (to the Crier).-Adjourn the Court.
The Crier (at five minutes to four o'clock) adjournedthe Court, and the Coxmox-
SEBJEANT, accompanied by two of the Aldermen, immediately left the bench.
And, as the Times' reporter observes-
The interest and excitement which this scene occasioned-its novel character
in a court of justice, and its abrupt termination-may be far better conceived
than described.
MR. RIBTON had the good sense to apologize the next day, and so
we suppose the matter is at an end. Whether there is something in
the atmosphere of a criminal court to corrupt the legal temper, or
whether criminal counsel feel for their clients more acutely than
their brethren of the common law and equity bars, we cannot pretend
to say; but certain it is that these disgraceful scenes in court" are,
with scarcely an exception, confined to one or other of the criminal
sessions.


SAYING BY OUR SAGE IN THE STREETS.-People who think without
talking are better company than those who talk without thinking.


~--------










F_ TTIT.


OcTOBER 3, 1863.]


FROM OUR OVER-WORKED CONTRIBUTOR.
(At least, he calls himself so. WE don't.-Ed.)


MY DEAR FUN,-My money is all spent; the day-dream has passed ;
and I am back in London.* You will be pleased to hear that I am
much benefited by my trip,t and that your money has, therefore,
been put to au excellent use in the shape of restoring health to the
jaded faculties of one to whom you are so much indebted. I treat
with the contempt it deserves your conduct last week in printing the
letter of that illiterate woman, my landlady, which might lead those
who are unacquainted with the strict morality and sobriety of your
Over-Worked Contributor to imagine that I had given way to the dis-
gusting vice of intoxication. It looked just as if you gave credence
to her ridiculous i r.'~ti..,!. 1| As if a woman who spells Saturday
with two "t's" was worthy of belief! But one thing surprised me
more than all, and that was your condescending to use a low slang
term in one of the annotations you thought fit to append to my com-
munication. I refer to the expression "hot coppers." That my land-
lady, a woman whose trade of lodger-skinner naturally causes her to
be ignorant of all the finer feelings of human nature, should talk of
"otkopprish" was natural, but that you should do so, did surprise
me. I hoped better things of you.
As I before observed, I am now returned; and as I am utterly
without funds, I shall send you my usual amount of brilliant lucubra-
tions, and again enrich your paper with my sparkling jokes, the want
of which has been very visible in my absence. A small cheque on
account of what you are going to have would be very acceptable at
the present time: I'll call for it to-morrow.** I should not have
mentioned this, but immediately on my return to town, I found that
my subscriptions to the various charitable institutions to which I
belong had all fallen due in my absence; and all such calls on my
purse I make a point of immediately answering, no matter to what
inconvenience it may expose me. Charity, as you know, is my weak
point.tt
I have a very brilliant idea for the benefit of your paper, which, if
properly carried out, would, I have no doubt, be the means of increas-
ing the circulation of your paper many hundreds of thousands. It is
as follows :-You have no special correspondent in the Southern
States of America. Send me-of course with a carte blenche as to
money-and your fortune is made rf Think over this, and let me
know your determination to-morrow, when I call for the cheque you
have promised me. By-the-bye, if you disappoint me, and the day is
fine, I mean to plant myself on the pavement outside your door, and
write, "I am starving," at the same time explaining to pitying
passers-by that I am your OVER-WORKED CONTItIBUTOR.



A MAN OF LETTERS.
OLD ABE has been penning such an epistle It is difficult to guess
how he came to be trusted with a pen and ink. His friends might
have been sure he would commit himself, as well as what he had to
say, to writing. Ho has managed to put his "webbed foot" into it,
with a vengeance. The funniest part of his letter is the finish.
"Let us be quite sober," ho says. Well, it would be better to be
sober, for it is a double evil when a man is drunk as well as a fool.


A B.nRBAnOUS RACE.-Whon rival 'busses run over people in their
competition.

Cause and effect.
t We really don't, care at all about that.
$ Yes; for five insolent letters, for which you have been immensely overpaid.
It certainly might have the effect you describe with those who are not
acquainted with you, and those who have that ,- J I i ..iI.. of course,
know there was not the slightest doubt of your I.,.ra,.. .1 [, ir ,., it.
II We do !
Really, we haven't missed you!
** No, don't trouble yourself. We are gone to Broadlands to consult with our
old friend PA u about American affairs, and shan't be back for a month, at least.
tt Very weak indeed; but that dodge won't do now.
:t There really is something in this idea of Our Contributor. Of course, a
carte blaanhe as to money, considering how we hav beeno treated, is ot ouf the
question. We should pay his passage (in the stecr'agel), and allow him a. sm;ill
sum weekly until we heard that he had been either shot .- ,;.. .1- .. -
bably the latter, as from what we know of him, except by h. -..... .. I..,. -
ing, no bullet would be like y to get near him. By this moans we should
happily rid ourselves of one who, from his very first connexion with us, hls
been-not to say a thorn-h t a perfect javelin in our editorial ;sides.
The accommodation of HEn MAlESTY'S station-houses, thoiuh perhaps
limited, is, we believe, sufficient, and we shall have great pleasure in getting
you an introduction ifyou pursue the course you threaten.


THE


OLD ENGLISH GEN\TLEiWO)MEN (OF HAMP-
SHIRE).
I'LL sing you a funny song,
Made by finixny pate,
Oi some five old I, liglishl gent.lene n,
And what they've done ol' lait
On tlie 1Haimpsliirii magisterial bench,
In the rare old feudal stale,
To a poor old carter (soldier once),
Who, dreadful to relato,
One morning left, all his work undone,
And camo back very late.


One HT.m icoTri (Oxford 'Vars.y's choice),
With NitviuL- aid CIIAMIIinaRIINs,
And other ftw of plebeian ina:Iun
Of the samen serfoi'u'shiinig grain,
Have lent their sapient, aid to bring
Back feudal strife again,
Or prove that, like ithe haros iln AMarch,
Their worships are insane.
Ohil! these five old Eng.lish gen tlem0on
Will county scutchoons sHiiin !i
Thoe facts reo thlso :-One L.ANCsitSmiitl,
GEORtc IIIHAMMONID haid engar1.irl
As under-carter-awful post-
And justly felt onraged
At his desertion ; but those beaks
For six long wooks have caged,
With labour hard, this soldier aged,
Whose been where battle raged.
Oh tlhos five old E'iglish gentlemoln
Will county scutoheons stain !


Ohil! this is surely going back
In "going forward days,
And this most feudal puniislunntl
Must thinking folks amazo-
Who travel now by rail express
Instead of post relays,
And stick up i fr fiee trado, because
They final the system pays.
So tlheso live old EnIRglish gintllmon
Ilad better pIut on "' sHlys,"
And 'stIcad of cauiinig Oiarl.iri grief,
Should soonor add tlhe 1 wo"
In midst of tlio word "'gontloinlo "
Ero next to court they go.


STAGE EFFECTS."
IT is difficult in those days to toll where the work of the scono-
painter terminates; but really we were not quite prepared for this
kind of thing from the dramatic critic of the ''iTes :-
"The greater part of the action takes place is the, recwption!ii-rooin of' Morrdainnt
Hall, ta fine old lEnglis in terior, with a tbr oiavl stair 't; .1 n 1,11 t i)t Imt routild, and
real channdoliers, which nl:y rank among the Il; is.lT'pittj 's oi' Mni. T. (.Gl( vil."'
Hero, indeed, is evidence of a rare voreatilily. Not only can a
gentleman, whoso fame has hitherto rested Io his excellent painting,
make real chandeliers, but he can make thl' n1o well I itat tIhry shall
be considered as taking rank with his artistic Itriuiphs. \Vo may
soon expect to hear Mit. 13EVIL.EY praised for lio admiirable s ilot of
drawing-room furniture in tlio second act," or to read such comnnmnts
as tihe following:-"Too much praise can hardly ie given to Mli.
TELrnN for the couch and work-table with wliicl tinhe uion of tlie
heroine, ill this intensely wrought scene, is associated ; auid we con-
sider that his moderator-lamp, steel fender, shieop-sikin rug, seaigliola
pedestals, embroidered fire-screen, priedio,, writing-ca-n, and Illowvr-
stand are touches of art that tlie most gifted uphlolsteorrs couhl not,
excel."
In short, the "effects of the mollrn drama mn now b i undor-
stood in the sense usually connect ed withl the phrase, roods and
chattels."

C.RRYING COALS TO NrwaSTLrn.-W" place tho following instainco
of "natural selection," clipped front at fashionable contelmporary, at
lihe disposal of DARwIN :-': LOD I .I N11) I G(rOs)OiN J1!,N.NOX, M.P.,
has sailed for the Scilly Islands."


-'29


__
~L~


__ I


I








[OCTOBER 3, 1863.


0so FUN.


SCIENTIFIC ANTD TYTSEFUTTI-

Coald:-" THE GUV'NER HE SAY TO ME HE SAY THAT A SCIENTIFIC GENT FOUND OUT THAT IN TWO HUNDRED YEARS THERE WON'T BE A HUNDRED
OF COAL HE SAY-AND A JOLLY GOOD JOB TEW I .SAY !"


THE NORWICH MATINS


T1VOW 1 T' ..A..L
OR THE POLITICAL COFFEE AND MUFFINS.
BY TE LUNCER AT THE UBS. ANY have told of the bribes of old,
I HEAR that MR. JOSEPH SOM3ES and his Society for the Propagation What fabulous sums were paid;
of Bigotry and Intolerance have had the audacity to ask the CHAN- What things were done, and what risks were run,
CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUiEg to join them. I wonder the friends of the And p'raps what tricks were played;
M.P. for Iull lot him do such foolish things. They do not endanger When they bought and sold, with berths and with gold,
the liberty of England, but may interfere with his personal freedom- While music so loudly brayed.
though not disagreeably, perhaps-for we treat our lunatics much
better than we used. But the times are changed, and at Norwich arranged,
I understand that GENERAL GILMORE is about to be added to the Some thirty guests break their fast,
Chamber of Horrors at 3MADAME TUSSAUU'S. He certainly deserves a Of course none thought of the votes to be bought,
niche somewhere-there are two empty ones, by the way, in the front As breakfast hour merrily passed;
of Newgate-for the introduction of a new element, Greek fire, into While they talked and laughed, and their coffee quaffed,
modern warfare. It was believed that the Americans had drunk deep I And bolted their matin repast.
enough of horrors, thanks to their BUTLER; but now they have got [NOTE.-The remainder of our contributor's effusion is too personal
one GILL-..ORE, it appears, and too rabid for insertion. We merely print the above to show what
There is no truth in the report that the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHE- he could do, were it possible for him to restrain his virtuous (and
quER is about to proceed against the lessee of the Adelphi for supply- Tory) emotions.
ing the public with ghosts by the glass without a spirit licence. The
story appears to have originated from the fact that M1R. GLADSTONE Te FOURTH Half-yearly Voluie of FUN, with NIumerous Comic
went to see the performance, and expressed his opinion that it waste
"rum." I can therefore declare this tale about the spirits below Engravings by talented artists, Humourous Articles by distin-
proof. guished writers, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, gilt, price
SIa EDWIN LANxDSrE's lion is modelled at last. I hope it will not 4s. 6d., post free 5s., is now ready.
stick as long in the clay as it did in the artist's mind. The sooner it
gets a cast on the way to Trafalgar-squaro the better. Those who Also the Title, Pface and Index to the FOURTH Volue of FUN,
have seen it, speak very highly of it as that embodiment of might and forming an Extra Nnlmber, price Id.
mane, lwhicl is desirable for a British lion. I don't suppose the Cases for BRnding, ir Mgenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
column n w ill Ie com pleted in m y tim e, even now w e have got so far; e w le o lth B c N u mbe r ha be' g llt a a
and rather doubt if our children will see more of the four lions than The cole of the Back Numbers have been reprinted, an are constantly
their forbears," as the Scotch say, did before them. oil sale.


Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, SO, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 3, 1863.


'I,
& "'"b~7'j'


mrrm-s mlsT~










OCTOBER 10, 1863.]


THE HALT ON THE HEATH.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.
BOOK IV.-THE GIPSY CAMP. BY G-RGE B--R-W-.
Author of "Lavengro," "The Zincali, or Gipsies in Spain," "The
Rommany Rye," "The Rommany Rye House Plot," Coming
Through the Rommany Rye," "Wild Whales," "Tame Turbots,"
etc., etc.

CHAPTER I.-CAST ASHOnE.


morning; and when the morning came, which was one singularly
beautiful and bright, they looked about them for signs of human
habitation, marvelling not a little when they found that there were
none such to be seen. Then they hold sorrowful counsel together,
these three forlorn ones; and set forth, walking, into the country,
hoping for better times, but much disheartened, and doubtful of for-
tune, and of each other, and of themselves.
And behold, after they had walked about a distance of three miles,
they saw a certain smoke rising before them, which did indocd reIoico
their very hearts, that had been sorely afflicted and cast down by theo
exceeding loneliness of the place; and marching on, with hopo to
speed them, they soon heard the merry ring of human voices, and
pushed onwards again, up hill, until, at a sudden bond in the road,
thav eame full and fair. unon a giosv camp.


THREE persons, and no more, escaped from the collision and the nd behol at the instant that they saw the gipsics, by the dark
wreck of the Formosa upon the Irish coast. SKIPPER BLOWIIARD was Children also wero they seen; and a chorus arose-
saved, and LUCRETIA FLOYD, and CAPTAIN PHILIP DOMBEY; and none
others but these three; and these three with some difficulty. For the Hearken and listen, my Rommany pal;
captain had scarcely been aroused by the cry of land, when he saw, or Twig the gooroo, and the kite, and the gal!
dreamt that he saw-for as to this he would never afterwards speak Welcome them, welcome them Blaze up the fire,
with the certainty of absolute knowledge-LucRETIA at his bcd-side, Cast in the kopper and common the kyar !
terrible and menacing, and with a dagger drawn as if in the act to
strike; so that he seized her hand at once, and amidst the confusion
led her to the deck, and then returned down below and saved such II.-MR. PETULENGRO's STRANGE INVITATIONS,
things as he could, which were but few and scanty, and lashed her to UNSCHOOLnE and unskilled in the Rommany tongue, the wayfarers
himself, resolute that they would swim or sink together, and by good were at first somewhat at a loss to understand the definite meaning of
hap it befel that they swam. And not less was the luck of the skipper, this wildly rythmical chant, so that they paused for a while, being
he also swimming ashore; but both ships were rudely shaken in the irresolute and doubtful in their minds. Whereupon the gipsy chief ,
collision, and when the next gust of wind raised the waters once no other, indeed, than my honest friend, MR. PETIULNCiGO, leapt upro
more, they broke up, and were shattered into pieces, thus passing a bare-backed steed, as black as night, with but one white fault about
away, in such sort that no one ever saw them more. It was but a him, and clapped his hands loudly, thrice; so that the animal under-
change of dress that CAPTAIN DoMBEY had managed to save from the stood MR. PETULENIGRO's behest, and sped away, as with the wings of
wreck, for himself and for the lady. the wind, for he was of desert breed, to the spot whero the travellers
It was a wild coast, and the night was rough and fierce, the wind rested, and IM. PETULENCGao bespake them.
blowing with exceeding force right in upon the shore; but when the It is merry, it is merry, in good green wood. Nix my dolly.
moon was at the full, the wind sank a little, and the night was Come to the old oak tree. There ain't any hereabouts, but it's 1t1,
clear, though cold, and there was no more storm. And they rested right sort of thing to make believe that there is. Join in tihe rwipy
themselves as best they might under the shelter of a crag until the dance. I'm the King of the Forest free! Would the lady like to


VOL V. E


FUN.


31


ew- -


~~ ~









FU NT.


[OCTOBER 10, 1863.


32


32


ride? A gipsy life is the life for me. In the days when we went
gipsying, a long time ago-o-o. Fake a cly? Poke a smipe ? "
And MR. PETTLENGaO, dismounting, did thereupon, with much
courtesy, salute all his new friends, bowing, in especial manner, very
lowly to the lady LUCRETIA FLOYD; and then resumed.
"Join the simple gipsy in his noonday meal? I mean-stow the
rot of the profession !-take-your tiffin with us at one ? Don't say no,
there's good follows. I can'see you're a swell," for he spoke to CAP-
TAIN DOMBEY, "and I daresay this honest old tar will like a snail .or
two."
A which ?" asked.tbheastonished BLOWIARD.
A snail," answered the ;unblushing ,Ma. PETULENGRO. "We ido'
them a la Franqaise now. Entre nows, by-the-bye, you'll ;find our
people rather a good set,,and worth knowing. I'm chief. The deputy
is Rlie HAWKRa; ;man of deucedly good connexions is Roa; brother
was hanged at YorkoOly year before last. Regalia or Manilla ? YSou
don't smoke ? By :Jove! Only thing keeps a fellow together.'
Between ourselves, ts pretty slow work being a gipsy chief. i35ght
.e1. all "
SA.3 with respect to snails," said the indignant BLOWlARnn,-whose'
'idesa travelled but slowly, "if anybody tries to make me eat a gaiden-
i.zowler, I'm not given, to violence, but I'll knock his head off."
'" Try you for a round or two, if you like," said MR. PETIULENAXQ ,I
,lPtaPtly flinging off his coat; but the combat-was, fortunately for old
IUcLOWll.in, prevented by the interposition of LUCRETIA FLOYD ind
.'GC aIAIN DoMBEYa, and in another minute they returned with the chief
it'illis camp, which was in the middle of a large heath, and they restdd
;thu-eat, and were friendly with their hosts, and all went merry.
Au d CAIrAIN PIuIri DO.MBEY had a glass of ale.

III.-JoLLY GOOD ALE AND OlD.
You moderns do not know what ale really is. Yon never tastedr-it.
You never had the chance. "Ah! me; I have lived, and lived, and
walked the broad, brave old English high roads before every snob
could go fifty miles for four-and-twopence, and I have known the
grand old English inns, the grand old English posting inns, and the
bright, and beaming, and balmy, and- beaded ale, that bubbled in the
long-necked glass, and had a creamy film about it, and was sweetly
strong and strongly sweet, and was a drink fit for Britons in the good
o l dlays wlen Caullli could light his battles without being dogged by
I lie police, when tilhe Papists were kept under as beseemed, when a
Frenchman was hated and despised, when there were fine old mail-
coacles that did their ten miles an hour nobly, and no one but a fool
would wish to go more swiftly, and when the rascally sour swindling
dregs of bad Bordeaux wore not foisted into an English market to
iujure good old British beer, and to ruin noble old British constitu-
tions. Ale of my youth, can I ever forget thee ?

IV.-THE SYBIL RosANNA.
PRIE-TY gentleman, cross my hand with silver, and have your for-
tmio told. Dooker mi chal, says the Rommany maiden." Thus
prettily prattled little IosANNA HAWKER to CAPTAIN DOMBEY, who
himnou"red her the more readily, I ween, that he saw the light blue
eyes of L' I'C(ETIA fixed upon him with a strange expression, in which
thlre was somewhat of curiosity. somewhat of passion, and somewhat
--o' so it Fscmed-of fear. So that he consented, and ROSANNA
sang-
"Dark line here, the light line's brother;
Golden-haired one loves another
Stain of blood where none should be;
Has the blood been shed by thee ?
All! the mark! the death-mark there!
Kccino kimo, where, oh where?"
nlld ROSANNA fell in strong hysterical convulsions, nor could she
recover herself for many minutes; and when she was herself again,
she kept her eyes averted from the captain, who, for his part, bit his
mustache, and affected to treat the matter lightly. But LucRETIA
watched him more cLud more closely, and, with a look that constantly
seemed as if it were growing angrier, so that he was glad when her
turn came, and the young prophetess began-
"Golden-haired one, faint not, stagger not!
Blood-line here vlhy is the dagger not ?
Where was the schip ? she was tossed on the bliw-.
Where was the stranger? asleep on his pillow -
Whe'nce did they sail? from the land of Niagara!
Romsmany kinchens, the foker's a staggerer! "
And again, this time with a loud shrill shriek, the sybil fell to the
ground, and all the tribe gathered round her, wailing; and menacing


looks were cast at LUCRETIA FLOYD, so that DOMBEY drew near to pro-
tect her, when suddenly MR. PETULENGRO laid his heavy hand upon
the captain's shoulder, saying-
Brother, between ourselves, ROSANNA ate too much hedgehog, too
many snails, and drank a little too much of our beer; but she is our
prophetess, and I must not see her affected like this without knowing
the reason. I must search you," and at once he plunged his hand
into the captain's dress-shirt ront, and saw the little bag. Aud when
ihe saw,the little bag-
By heaven! cried Mn. PETULENGRO, the murder's out! Strike
,the tents! Break up the camp! SYKES is found! Away, away!
iThe avenger is at hand! Break up the camp!"
Aund.inswift turbulence of flight the gipsies rushed away over the
hheath,'laaving Ma. PETULBNGRO alone with CAPTAIN DOnBEY, for
ILLUeRET Atand BLOWIIARD had also fled.
.-"Aid:now," said MR. PETULENGRO, "as we're alone, and as you've
,got old8xYKEs's bag, I have only one word to utter-which is
SiACKS !"


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNeHEr AT THE PUBS.
E are to lose the MASON who'could
S /ii not cement a friendshipbetween
.this country and the South. We
ought to be sorry to part with him
for he was very dear to us; if you
/ doubt my word, look at the'little
Bill for the Trent affair. As MR.
SLIDDELL is not recalled from his
mission to the French Emperor, I
i suppose we must take it for granted
That he is promoting the cause of
the South to some purpose with
I-- t- NAPOLEON, and, cceteris Paribus, the
other Parisians.
I see by the fashionable intelli-
gence that "Miss BURDETT COUTTS
and MRS. BROWN have left for the continent." When I reflect how
very much travelling rankles in the constitooshun of our respected
friend, MRS. B., and how she suffered in so short a journey as from
the Commercial-road to the Victoria Theatre, I confess I tremble for
the consequences. I hope her foreign tour will not interfere with her
reappearance before the public at Christmas, but I know the maladie
de nme is apt to put one hours de combat.
The Ghost has been down to call on the LORD CHANCELLOR. The
visit, I hear, caused some difficulties, for all his lordship's servants
threatened to throw up their situations if he didn't give up the ghost.
He, however, contrived to allay their apprehensions by"assuring them
the ghost would not walk, but was coming by rail. The original
inventor of the illusion applied for a patent, and was opposed by
some people who were at daggers drawn with DIRCKS. His lordship
decided that the claims of PEPPER were not to be sneezed at, as the
castor of a new light on the subject of spectres. While on the question
of the ghost, I may as well mention a very curious optical illusion
which I witnessed lte c.in.lr day. I was passing down the Strand,
about two o'clock is i h, :;Aernoon, when, to the best of my belief-
though I must certainly h oe been suffering from some optical illusion
-I actually saw a short, stout, clerical-looking person in a white tie-
strongly reminding me of the lamented SPURGEON-turn into a public-
house. The change was instantaneous, and was inspected before
being taken from the counter.
A knowing rogue has been selling some greenfinches to people as
green as they for foreign birds. Taking his finch, he thereby hung a
tail of long blue feathers, affixing it with sealing wax. The articles
thus assigned and duly sealed were delivered to a lady, who takes
her affidavit he took her avadavats and some money besides in
exchange. When the cruel but ingenious rascal is caught, I lope he
will be homceopathically treated with whacks in the same way as he
served the birds.


UNWILLING LIBERALITY.
WE have often seen a tempting advertisement headed "Money
absolutely given away," but had no idea that the real fact had any
existence out of the pages of a work of fiction until we read the-
account of the doings of the Great Eastern. We then did comprehend
it: since, to judge by the pecuniary results which have accrued to the
unfortunate shareholders, the money they have advanced has literally
and completely been given away.










OCTOiErP 10, IIit3.]


I P Th F.


12 Cro tic historic c f icralTricr.


3o0Itc Uc Jimrstc.
CHAPTER IV.--CONCERNINGC TIN-
INCTUIPES is the name
used in heraldry for the
colours with which the
blazon-or as some
frivolous writers term
c'lj2ES- it, thelo blaze on-the
shield or escutcheon is
f rmed. Their number
is- nine, so that our
readers may easily re-
member that fact by
S thinking of the days of
the week, and adding
two; but persons with
strong memories havo,
of course, no need to
resort to this weekly
contrivance.
First of all comes or,
or gold; and as gold
may be said to hold the
First place in most hu-
". 6 man affairs, we are not
surprised to find it occu-
'ii '' paying the same position
'' V j. in heraldry.
i, "-- Next comes argent,
or silver; this is but
natural, as everyone
would place silver after
gold, and, in fact, when changing the first we generally obtain the
second.
Thirdly, we have gules, or red, and any herald, before describing
this colour, would, of course, have to make himself ready first.
Fourthly, comes azure, or blue, which, though often met with on an
escutcheon, is also sometimes to be found in the human countenance,
as for instance, when a man comes home at two a.m. on a rainy
morning, and finds he has lost his latch-key, and the household are
gone to bed.
Fifthly, sable, or black. This colour is to be recommended for the
armorial bearings of Abolitionists, and all those"gcntlemcn who go in
for the am-I-not-a-man-and-a-brother line of business, and also of
conjurors or negro-mancers.
Sixthly, vert, or green. N.B.-No connexion with EvANs's supper-
rooms.
Seventhly, purpnre, or purple, which we should say belonged rather
to feline than human heraldry, as cats must naturally be best acquainted
with purr-purr.
Eighthly, tenne, or orange, a colour reminding us more of dessert
than of the dry study of heraldry, although we do hope to extract
some juice from it.
Lastly comes, sanguine, or mirrey, and this naturally brings us to
FUN. Always sanguine of success, and also uncommonly murry.*
Besides these tinctures there are others, including the tinct. opii,
or mother's blessing, much patronized by the late lamented Ma.
DAFFY, to still the voice of childhood, when enjoying the luxury of a
nice scream; but as we object to kidnapping of all kinds, and this
particular sort especially, we shall pass. it by, merely observing that
it has no connexion with the subject in hand, and we decline to mix it
in our heraldic retort.
The next articles we shall submit to the notice of our readers are
roundels, which are balls thrown on to the shield. These, according
to their colours, have different names or aliases, as a policeman would
say. Thus they are bezants when or, or gold colour; plates, when
argent, or silver, though this seems an absurdity, as a silver plate
in the shape of a ball would be very awkward; torteaux, when gules,
or red; hurts, when azure,-this is a much more sensible name, as
hurts and bruises are often blue; pommes, when vert,-to this we
object, green apples having a very unwholesome sound; golpes, when
purple; pellets, when sable, which calls vividly to mind our schoolboy
days, when black pellets of bread frequently crossed the dining-table

*Readers are requested to restrain thiir yist indi-nationwhen we explain
that our wretched herald means "merry." We ourselves only found out the
joke after two hours' hard study.-Eu.


when no one was looking; oranges, wheln yellow, and guxeYs, wiIhn
sanguine.
The metals and colours above mentioned are distiniguislied l)y somme
ancient heralds by thie names of thel planets aud precious stones ; libu
modern heralds plan it. diuerently ; not only is lth practice exploded,
but the originators also have been considerably blown up.


AN EARLY RISING LYRIC.
By one i'who has fried a iral -l lr1 ,real.lA, fu, ibut whlo doesn't
to do it lati--)" hife knows it.
TIE sunI is up, the lark sings high,
The grass with dew is wot,
(Which makes it likely, by-thc-liye,
Your death of cold you'll got).
Then leave your couch and sally forth
The morn's puro breeze inhale
(It's blowing nor'-norl-cast-by-nortlh,
And blowing quito a gale.)
How sweet in morn's first light to roam,
The sun-lit hills to climb,
(And how you'll wish to be at homo
Long 'ere it's breakfast-timo !)
The sluggard world is looked in dreams,
To morn's bright glories dead !
(How precious long the morning seems
To what it does in bed!)
Don't wake the house! Your threshold o'er
Trip softly-let them Ve.
(You can't return-you've shut the door,
And haven't got the key.)
You're free to wander where you will
Ere they their day begin!
(And you must wander-wander still
Till some one lets you in.)
Tho world's before you where to choose,
Walk whore you will you may,
(But walk you ,must-you'dl like n, isooze- -
Fato for somo hours says nay !)
You've walked through meadows, fields have seen
Greener than o'er at noon,
(You feel than meadows far more green
To leave your bed so soon.)
Bright Chanticleer proclaims the morn,
Still on her nest's his imae,
(Ono's breakfast-table eggs adorn,
But you for eggs must wai,.)
The milkmaid tripping o'er the lea
Forth to her task dotli go,
('Tis hours yet at your door cre she
Shall call out Milk below ")
How bright the sun The air how clear !
How beautiful! how pure !
(" What, is that seven o'clock I hear ?
The servant's up, I'm sure.")
Home! Oh! the magic of that word,
Which dawn's bright self o'erpow'rs,
(Your servant thinks it most absurd
That master keeps such hours !)
Here's your own sofa! Fate is kind !
Awhile you yet may sleep.
(Master, of course, the Idust won't mind
When there's the room to sweep.)
And who comes now ? 'Tis tsh who shares
Of grief and joy your cup.
(It serves you right-your wife declares-
You shouldn't have got up !)
Oh banquet of home joys so rif !
Oh breakfast, homely meal !
(You've lost your appetite. Your wife
Was right fir once you feel).
Of morning exercise folks talk,
Health sure thus to obtain.
Reader! I've tried a morning walk,
But won't try it again.


iii! Oil


--
- --^-~----


I









OA F TT .


~~


9,-


C010VJIPAlISOTS _AlRE ODIOTOTS.

lngel (in Crinoline):-" CAN YOU TELL ME, MY MAN, IF I CAN GET THROUGH THIS GATE TO THE RIVER "
Satirical Rustic:-" WAL, I SHUD THINK YOU MIGHT, IF YOU SQUEEZED. A LOAD o' HAY WENT THROUGH THIS MORNIN' !"



In 1850 he was private secretary to LORD JOHN RUSSELL. In
LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN. accepting the post he probably looked for promotion at the hands of
the Whig lord, but he was, of course, mistaken. His lordship is of
No. 58.-EIGHIT HON. VISCOUXT BURY, M.P. opinion that only slips of his own family-tree are suited for climbers.
VIScOUNT BURY is the eldest son of the sixth EARL OF ALBEMAEILE. Subsequently LORD BURY served in India as aide-de-camp to LORD
The ALIEMARIn.E family name is KEPI'IE, and they carry marine shells FREDERIC FITZ-CLARENCE. The country, however, did not suit him,
in their coat armour as a proof of their Dutch or amphibious extrac- for in 1854 he returned to England on sick-leave. Luckily, the East
tion. The founder of the earldom was not, however, of low Dutch did not do permanent injury to his health, although he was compelled
origin, but rather the Dutch cheese than otherwise. He was LoD I to leave the army, just when the Crimean campaign would have
OF gVOOiST, and so came over to better himself with WILLIAM OF given him an opportunity of becoming an active service-BURY.
OIANGE. This migration is, perhaps, hinted at in the crest-which iIn the December of this year he was appointed civil secretary and
is an aquatic bird, very like that essentially a-quack-tic bird, the wMn superintendent of Indian Affairs for the province of Canada, and
duck. accordingly took up his residence there. It was at' this time that he
The noble lord, who forms the subject of our present sketch, was was caught in the snares of Cupid, and (M')NABBED by Hymen.
born in London, in 1832. The titles attached to the Earldom of Abe- In 1857, having returned to England, he accepted the invitation of
marlo are the Viscounty of Bury, in the County Palatinate of Lancaster, a northern constituency, and contested Norwich. He was returned,
and the Barony of Ashford, in the county of Kent, Albemarle itself and continued to represent that borough until 1859. In that year it
being situated in Normandy. When the possessor of the earldom has was discovered that there was a modern meaning for the old rhyme-
moro sons than one, he has two titles to spare, and confers upon the "The man in the moon
elder-BuiY. Came tumbling down
VISCOUNT BURY was educated at Eton, where, as a matter of fag-t, To ask his way to Norwich."
lie had to work his way up from servant to master, like any other The man in the moon" with his electioneering system found his
boy. Wo are unable to say what character he gained in status pupil- way to Norwich on VISCoUNT BURY's behalf, and a petition was conse-
lari; whether, in this academy where titles are dropped, he was quently presented against his return. On inquiry the noble lord was
known as Goose-Buar and Mull-Buyr, or gained by punctuality and unseated, but having once tasted the pleasures of a Parliamentary life
order the name of Due-BuRY. he was eager to enter the House again. The result was that, in dis-
In 1 8J9 the viscount was appointed an ensign and lieutenant in the regard of the family motto, "Ne cede malis," he gave way to the Wick-ed
Scots Fusilier Guards. It is strange that, possessing the talent he people's invitation, and was elected for Wick. He still represents this
does, ho should have selected the military profession. In the sable constituency, which has gained him the soubriquet of Candle-BURY. In
garb of the church he might have distinguished himself as a black- 1859 he was appointed Treasurer of the Royal Household, and became
Buar--or, as a bar-Buiy, have attained legal eminence. a member of the Cabinet Council.


[OcToBER 10, 1863.





~-V I
k*" \"
,, ,, ..









jF JU Z .-OCTOBER 10, 1863.


____________________________________________________ Il




____- Thy ~ ~
~--~-=~~--


DEFENCE- NOT, DEFIANCE.
Major Bull :-" BOYS WHICHEVER WAY WE LOOK, WAR-CLOUDS ARE RISING. LET'S KEEP

OUR POWDER DRY, AND WHO'S AFRAID 7 "


I-----~- -









FUN. -


* OCTOBER 10, 1863.]


In Parliament his lordship is a Liberal, but also a general supporter
of LORD PALMERSTON-which means something more extravagant than
Liberalism. He is, however, a supporter of the ballot, extension of
the franchise, anti-sectarian state education, and a national poor-rate.
He has not distinguished himself by the introduction of any measure
which could gain him the name of Bill-Bunr-nor has he by strenuous
advocacy of a close-shaving economy earned the appellation of Rasp-
BuiY. His views are not vague and visionary enough to nickname
him Cloud-Busy, and yet too advanced to stamp him a Sloe-BunY.
His lordship has been. a contributor of political and other papers to
the magazines; but his pen is not a great feather in his cap. He is
also known as an amateur artist, but his sketches reveal less of the
artist than the amateur, and he would do well, perhaps, to confine
himself to drawings on his bankers.
Of the volunteer movement the gallant viscount has been a most
active and energetic promoter and supporter. Indeed, it was pro-
posed by a very enthusiastic corpse) that the service should be called
the Bunt-al service. His lordship is a good shot, and a capital officer
-being Lieutenant-Colonel of the Civil Service Rifles. Of course, the
member for Wick can be luminous on the subject of light infantry
drill, and lead on his men like JULIUS C as soon as their "Ide(a)s
of March are come" to perfection.

AT THE PLAY.
ERR HERMAN, for whose tauto-
S logical appellation his place of birth
and progenitors must be held re-
sponsible, might be considered of
supernatural origin did we not ro-
member the poet's assurance that
"Two Herr is human." As a nim-
ble-fingered practiser of a dexterous
feat with his dexter hand, the Pres-
tidigi-one minute allowed for re-
I freshment-tator who is now as-
/ founding audiences at the Princess's
surpasses all who have hitherto
tried to make the eyes the fools of
the other senses. The veriest spend-
thrift that ever got through a for-
tune in a fortnight could not be more
expeditious in disposing of every-
thing he has received in the shortest
possible space of time, nor be moro
perplexed than the spectators to
explain how it has been got rid of.
Unlike other wizards who practically
illustrate the theory that "distance
lends enchantment to the view,"
SHERRMAN comes close to the vigilant
watchers of his movements, and,
S> -, with cuffs stretched back and empty
hand outstretched, literally bares the
palm. Whence h jduces those
brinuni. gLiobos of gold fish which he takes from under a handker-
chief in lie very centre oi a crowd who have had free permission to
put his costume through a strict competitive examination, must be
left to those explorers who have leisu-3 to spend a life-time in solving
a mystery. The source of the water in that crystal vase is as worthy
to stimulate the curiosity of mankind as the source of the Nile. Each
watch that he borrows from the company goes in a way the owner could
never have expected, and suggests by its unseen movement r new
escape-mont. In short, on the oene ignotum principle of the old
Latin proverb, if all that is unknown is magnificent, the entertainment
of HERR H1ERRMAN is the most splendid affair that has yet been seen.
The hat trick, where the conjuror fills a common chapcan with coins
clutched from airy vacancy, is done quite in theatrical style, and the
person who lends the hat must feel-to paraphrase a Dundreary sen-
timent-that such a mode of money-making would suffice to any chap
pose.
The new American actress, Miss BATEMAN, who has appeared at
the Adelphi, is fairly entitled to adopt as her motto, "I am all Leah."
The American version of the dull German play, which even RISTORI
could not make endurable at Her Majesty's last summer, is much
more presentable under that title than the original. No tragic actress
could ever make a five-act piece called Deborah acceptable to a play-
going public who show a particular fancy for particular names. The
vision must be satisfied as well the auricular organs, and Miss BATE-
MAN's Leah thus will justify the manager producing it with a strong
cast in his eye.


Nothwithstanding a general disbelief in such things at t he present
day, 1 am in a position to testify as a nigh witness that the awful
apparition of an apple-woman startled a few evenings ago the occu-
pants of the stalls at Sadler's Wells. It was seen to glide steadily
along the whole length of the row, ultimately vanishing like the
spectres recorded by old AUIltEY, with a "strange odour and a melo-
dious twang," which resembled the sudden snapping of the strings of a
ginger-beer bottle. The Ghost Club must look to this, for it is quite
impossible to believe, under the refined management of Miss M.ltior'r,
and during the performance of the legitimate, such an appalling
visitant could belong to this world. TEu ODD MAN.


"FUN" AT A PREI IUM.-- OORAY!
(A FACT.)
WE have often heard of old clothes-men, of the Hebrew persuasion,
and other dealers in left.off articles, recommending second-hand wares
as being 1" better ash new," but -wo certainly never cxplcted to find
our own journal coming within the category of things more valuable
:at second-hand than when spick-and-span nw. In fact, periodical
literature,deteriorates in value with age, more rapidly perhaps than
any known commodity, unloas it be unmarried ladies over thirty.
Yesterday's Times is worth its weight in the butterinii's scalls ma
waste-paper, no more. The reader may then judge of our feelings uo
receiving a letter signed A Chemist and Druggist," and bearing the
Banbury postmark, which letter informed us that ata recent, sale lby
auction of the reversionary interest in the journals withdrawn lifem
the Mechanics Institution reading-room of that town, the sunm given
for a week-old FuN was even higher than its original published prike.
To come to figures, an admirer of ours, in this lanu of (lIanlury)
cakes, has given for tle next six months' numbers of lFN (cach
number to be supplied one week after publicationn, tilhe sum of two-
and-threepenco. le could, of course, get the journal hot from tih
press at a loss price from the local agent. But slall we blamn him ?
No ie is willing to give for us, at second-hand, a higher price thalln
we set upon ourselves in all our brilliant newness. lint what we are
really worth, no BAUBAGE, even when undisturbed by organ-grinders,
could ever calculate.


THE SERFS OF CASTLE HEDINGHAM.
YE wives of Castle 11cdinghain, yo mairons, and yeo maids,
Who follow in such thorough stylo the wizard findler's trad(ls
Your shud'ring countrywomen all in tones of loathing say,
The fiends of Castle llodinghain, how horrible are they !"
Just like the savage fcmininos who own DAI)nOIEY'S rule,
They show the wild cat fierceness ofl the lnCHA LOTTrE Co(uDAY sR1ool;
With hearts that scorn tlio softness that should foimalo imlpulo sway,
The fiends of Castle ledinghatn, how horrible are they i
Ye men of Castle Hediugham, and ye that represent. (?)
The stain on England's franchise list in BIritish Parliamnoilt;
What say you, MAJOl BERESIOIRcOI, of this nmst T'ry trait,
The serfs of Castle Hedinghani, how ignorant are they !
Saint Stephen's could well spare you, and you'd be for once of use,
If leaving Tory platitudes, you'd study to produce
A landlord who, Conservative, could yet unblushling say,
"The tenantry of Hodingham, how well informed are they !"


THE ORGAN FIENDS.
A DREADFUL accident happened a few days since in West Birming-
ham to a MR. SWANN, whose pony took fright at the discordant shrieks
and growls of an itinerant Italian with that infernal machine called lan
organ. Of course, when the miscreant saw the mischief, lie simply
grinned, shouldered his instrument, and made olff. flow long will
common-sense have to wage war against these unclean, noisy
wretches, protected as they are by the idiocy of a class of people who
think any sound is harmony, and whose cars for, music are positively
asinine in extent and refinement? FI'n will really have to framo an
act himself, and carry it through Parliament, if nobody will save him
the trouble.

WEATIHER-WISEI AND WISuE WEATHEIR.-ADM1IAI. FITZIoY bhas re-
turned to his offices at the Board of'Trade. It is confidentlly atlirmned
that the late gales blew up tremendously on hearing lie was not
there.


_ ___~__ __











FUIN.


38







/,
I
I


!S


SKETCHING IN MOIST COLOURS.


A PROSPECTIVE REVIEW.
[WE have much pleasure in quoting-a little in anticipation-from
an article entitled A Few Facts about Fuel," from the Quarterly
Review, which is to appear in the year 2063.-ED. FUN.]
By that triumph of modern science, the Memoria Polytechnica,
patented by Sli PETER PEPPER (who is descended from a professor of
the same name, who was the inventor of some curious spectral illusions
in the nineteenth century), we are enabled by merely shaking a little
of the dust of ages into the crucible before the magnetic mirror of
\ this delicate apparatus, to raise a picture of the history of the past.
! Any of our readers, who like to follow our experiments with this
apparatus, in connexion with these remarks on fuel, may communicate
I by their private telegraphs with our office. As our numbers-price
one penny-are published every quarter of an hour, and printed by the
electric press, we shall be enabled to answer any questions promptly.
"It is very curious to look back to a meeting held at Newcastle in
1863 by an extinct society, callingitself the Brit. Ass.,* where a speech
touched on a fossil, not known now except in museums, a black igni-
forous formation, spoken of by contemporary writers as coal. This
speech was made by one SIR WILLIAM AnRSTRONG, the inventor, in
the days before gunpowder was exploded, of a species of cannon,
some specimens of which, by the way, may be seen doing duty as
posts in Rotten Row, the promenade where Fashion stretches its legs
after a gallop round the metropolis in its aerialmachine. Sli WILLIAM
AlnusTrloNG is reported-but reporting before the invention of the
vaporo-atmospheric-rapid-writing-engine was very imperfect-to have
declared his belief that, somewhere about the time in which we live,
coal would fail. This, as we know, has proved to be the fact, but the
absurd part of the speech is that the orator seemed to be under an
impression that we should be in a dreadful state for the want of it.
How utterly groundless his alarm was is known in these days by
everyone who has eyes to see. With the new modification of the
plan of aerial calorification, which has been in use for the last hundred
years, the largest buildings can be warmed by five minutes' turning of
the friction handle. What our large buildings are compared with
our ancestors', may be learned by comparing our Olympic Theatre-
by no means our finest Thespian dome-with the ruins of the Taber-
nacle, assigned by tradition to the worship of SPURGEON, the Cloacina
of the nineteenth century. It was the fashion in that age to speak
of well-known facts as being what 'every school-boy knew.' As
the educational plasters invented by the DU;KE OF PAUL BEDFORD
have long done away with any necessity for such establishments as
schools, we may parody the phrase by saying, 'any man who has
applied the plaster to the back of his neck for two seconds' is aware
that in fuel, as in everything else, we have entirely overthrown the
practice of our ancestors.

'* mentionedd by this abbreviation in the nts o CoLr.so's 'Pentateuch
Remodelled.' We have been unable to make out tue full title."


[OcToBER 10, 1863.


"The fact, that air contains all the necessaries for locomotion, food,
light, and fire, seems never to have struck the people of the past.
Indeed, the invention of a machine to convey them through the air to
a given point-a clumsy enough machine, too-was a late discovery,
and one which COXWELL, the first adventurer in that path, did not
live to see completed, although he survived the ancient PALMERSTON
by half a century.
"We have discovered-as is well known to our readers-that air,
being the chief requisite for man in all ages, contains all that is
necessary for him. By the simplest mechanical contrivances erected
at the doorways of our homes, we are enabled to separate the com-
ponent parts of the atmosphere, and convey those requisite for heat
to our stoves, those meet for food to our larders, those necessary for
Slocomotion to the stables, to be condensed and placed in our aerial
cars.
"The thought of such alterations as these on the surface of the
planet is enough to make the Brit. Ass. turn in its grave, although, for
that matter, the grave doubtless no longer exists. It must be re-
membered that early in this century the whole crust of the earth was
removed, in order to improve and level its surface for the grand univer-
sal atmospheric junction line to everywhere under the sun. The earth,
so removed, was, it will be remembered, carted off to the moon, per
aerial PICKFORD. It is more than likely the remains of the Brit. Ass.
were then dispersed."


THE LAY OF A LUNATIC.*
"AunROR FLOYD" in fustian stalks,
Romola has the measles,
Whilst PEPPER'S Ghost" with PATTI walks
Round CHARLEs KEENE'S studio easels."
"The Water Babies," Lost and Saved,"
Were found in "False Positions,"
By "Digby Grand," who straightway raved
For several editions.
"Guy Livingstoiee" is "Nobly False,"
'Tis said to Cousin Stella,"
Since with John Brown" he saw her walt
Or "any other fellah."
The road to "Barren Honour leads
"A Simple Woman" straying;
Whoever Lady Audley" reads,
May verify this saying.
"Kate Coventry" is "Tried and True,"
Poor Catherine's Marriage" baulking,
She saw The Dark Girl Dressed in Blue"
With A. K. H. B. walking.
Colenso Wrong and Moses Right,"
So says the Crown-court prophet;
But hostile critics say that wight
Knows precious little of it.
"Fish Hatching," Taken upon Trust,"
"A Tangled Skein," discovers,
And "Austin Elliot" says he must
Tell tales of Sylvia's Lovers."
"Roba di Roma," so folks say,
At Odds is with Thalatta,"
To Live it Down" is perhaps the way
They'll take to mend the matter.
But, hark! I hear FoReus WINSLOW calls
The Hanwell cock is crowing,
And on my maniac vision falls-
I come, that is, I'm going.


ATTEMPTED [IURDER.-A. young man who had been jilted by Miss
SuSAN -- met her in the street two days ago, and deliberately cut
her in two places, once opposite the post-office, and the second time
near the church. The young lady has fortunately recovered the blow.
The ruffian boasts of his act, and describes it as one of "justifiable
Sucy-side."

*The mental aberration of this unhappy man was occasioned by bcing con-
fined to his room for a week, with no other intellectual food thta a copy of
" TUPPEI'S Proverbial Philosophy," and the advertisement-half of the At7elcelrnm.
As a natural consequence, he chose the lightest reading, and the abova maniac
strain is the result of his study. >


_ _


,,
-i -~
-L~--~h,~._ :- ~ --- -~i~
~--~--
D~cL -V _








FU N-.


OCLOrEP: 10, 18G3.]


FROM A HARASSED CONTRIBUTOR.
/ EAR EDITOR,-I grieve to say you'll
1 ii ggat no article to-day. I find I
cannot write for FuN; ah! woe is
S | me, I cannot pun! Not, you will
J) understand that I admit my well
S 'of wit is dry; not that my teeming
V' J. brain elects to brand my drafts
with "no effects." .My skull is
|crammed with quip and pun; it
I 'ositively bursts with fun. I have
A I slneat jokes beneath my crown that
I i W rould electrify the town. If all
J4I could hear what I could say, un-
bridled mirth would rule the day.
The judge would, though he looks
I so big, incontinently dash his
Swig. The lawyer, parson, doctor,
too, would burst with laughter if
they knew the merry things that I
could tell. The muffin boy would
stop his bell; the tanner, sure,
would split his hides; the chemist
feels quite out of sorts from roaring at my smart retorts. The
drummer, as each Wednesday comes, looks only for my con and
drums ; the Hebrews that in clothes shops sit, all (though reluctantly)
admit that I'm the only one they know, who boasts of having Jewed
'em (oh !) The very convicts have confessed mine were the cranks
they loved the best. The tailors of the writer say, that his (s)attire
is rccherchd. 'Coachmakers never saw in use, such shafts as those I
can produce. The army, navy, dare not enter lists with my eyesa
ptero mta.
No, Editor, I lack not stuff, but raw material's not enough, it must
be worked, you understand, by a refined experienced hand. I sit me
down to cut and trim, search and examine limb by limb, copy that
might, so strong its tone, upheave a continental throne. But the
unsympathizing fates decree that then the water-rates shall dun me
for that hateful claim. Impatiently I pay the same, collector grace-
fully withdraws, and I resume my search for flaws in home and con-
tinental laws. Rat-tat! the district postman knocks. I find inside
my letter-box a printed sheet, Whereas," it said, "complaint this
day, sir-, hath been made to me, a local magistrate," a summons for a
general rate. Rat-tat! the postman here again? A letter from
JEMINA JANE. Tilhe offer of my' hand and heart she takes in (so she
says) good part, and likes me, as she's sure I know, but authors are
considered low.
A fearful single knock succeeds. One of my tailors says he needs
his money, just to meet a few bills that are shortly falling due, they've
only got a day to run, and so he sends a dun, ha' done! A new
policeman next applies with envelope of threatening size; a summons
from a hansom cabby, who says I've been behaving' shabby, and so on
Wednesday I must go, at two, unto the street of Bow. A small boy
next, a practised liar, "Please, sir, your chithbley's all on fire." Ha !
ha! my wrath is partly fed, I punch this child upon the head! A
sounding clout, and then another: what though he threaten me with
his mother? I feel much better after that, and will resume. Rat-
tat-tat-tat! Four knocks! a visitor, no doubt. That loafer, BowN !
"Now, BRowN, get out! "
I rather think I'm going mad. So young, so beautiful; how sad.
Bring me some straw directly here, I think I'll sing the Maniac's
Tear," after the manner of Miss HUGimIs, of the Olympic Theatre,
who's connected with (so sweet is she) the Hugheses of Adversity.
Another knock; this is too bad. Ha! ha! Ha! ha! your office lad!
Copy? Ha! ha! I'm mad! I bite! He scampers off, I think how's
right, in fright, from sight, poor wight. Good night!
HALL WRIGoIT.


FIRE !
Lefeu CAPTAIN SHAw is on a visit to the DUKE oF SUTHERLAND at
Dunrobin Castle. As he is not at home, we hope the fires will be out
too. Perhaps if the devouring element," as the penny-a-liner calls
it, pays a visit to the metropolis, on finding CAPTAIN SHAW is not
there to receive it, it will be put out. We trust that just at this time
of the year, when the weather begins to cool and grates are lighted
again, lie will not make light of the necessity there is for his presence
with his brigade. We speak in earnest, not in jest, for we know how
dangerous it is to play with fire; indeed, if we exercised our enginuity
at all, it would be to play upon it.


FROM OUR OWN "NATION."
"IrlHAr of Erin, and has it come to this ? \ust, hapless Ilibernia
suffer yet another wrong at the hands yet gory with ith l blood of
millions of Ireland's bravest sons ? Must another injury be piled
upon her wretched head It wanted but this, that the bloeod-bolt ered
tyrants who rule over this land-already shrieking aloud in wild and
piteous accents of despair-should send their Channel Fleet, manned
by ruffians, steeped to the lips in every sort of hideous and horrible
crime, to our beauteous shores. And now they are here yes, lere,
in Dublin It is true they come in peaceful guise, pretending, imeedl,
that it is as visitors they are horo But we see through and sciirn
the shallow subterfuge The ruffians will invite us on board their
ships! They will give us dinners! Balls Brenkfasts It we want
them, beds But shall we go Nevor A million, billion, trillion,
times, never !
We will be calm, although our blood is welling up and boiling over
at this fresh wrong. Wo know the real author of this outrage. We
will unmask him. No longer shall he skulk behind his would-be
incognito of the ministry.' It is, and our renders know that we never
deceive them, PALMERSTON! PALMERST'ON, himself 1ia Irishlitan, who
has thus dared to send this gang of miscreants, fresh from the Siixon
shore where universally they have been repulsed and Ireated with the
ignominy they deserve, to this our Enierald Isle! Ilad it. combine froim
the reckless RUssrLL or the impious GLADSTONs it would hlive been
bad enough ; but for a son of Erin to turn and tear the lahind t li, boro
him is heartrending, soul-crushing, in one word, infliunous. 1)o our
readers doubt what we havo stated ? We will in a few words con-
vinco them how true, how sadly true, are the words we have written.
We will appeal to facts, and then each can judge for himself whether
we are right or any other man. Who caused the rebellion of 'I98 ?
Was it not PALMERSTON, to gain his own diabolical ends! Who shot
LoOID EDWARD FITZGERALD ? Again'twas the ferocious ]PAi, LMRSTON P
Who repealed the Union P The crafty PALN ERSTON, with his low
cunning .and the money wrung from thel hard-earned wages of I rish-
men I! Who thwarted LORD WEL.INT'rON (an Irishmanin) in tChi
Peninsular war? The envious PATMERSTON To come to later
times; who caused the potato blight in '4 ? Tie fiendish I'PALM.t SeON,
to starve those of his own countrymen, who would die rather than
submit to a rule founded on usurpation anmd wholesale nurder \Vho
has committed most egrari of the gri rn o 'oa which of late years havo
disgraced our happy country ? 'Tis PA LEIInt 'ON, if not, in his own
person, at least by his agents, in order that the finger of scorn should
be pointed at Green Erin! Those few facts, which every cliild unable
to speak can corroborate with loud voice, will convince our readers at
once.
And why have these invaders come ? Is it to invite us to dinner ?
We say, no That is a blind It is to batten on tho glorious Ihos-
pitality of Ireland, a hospitality denied them with every mark of con-
tumely in their own filthy nlanl. That is what, they are come for.
Men of Ireland, be prepared! Forwarncd is forearmed! Loclc up
your larders Lose the keys of your collar doors! And send the
wretched robbers back to wallow and rot in their own down-trodden
country.

THE ARTFUL RUSS.
On an artful move is the Russian's last
In preaching on Finland's soil,
Of righteous tone wero the words that passed
As smooth as the purest oil ;
Of laws to the mended, finance controlled,
Reserving alone to him
Permission the reins of Reform to hold-
A right imperial whim.
Scheming thus on Finland's soil,
The artfill Russian is wasting oil.
For the western pow'ra, though they took rebuff
In silence, yet feel with scorn,
How falsely he actetl, and know enough
How loosely his honour's worn ;
And slowly, yet surely, the time draws near
When, casting mere words aside,
Those western pow'rs by their deeds must clicer
Brave Poland so harshly tried.
Scheming then will useless he,
The brave young Pole will at last be free

Oni! WoxnverIU, SUN !-The heat has lately been so great, and the
sun so powerful, that we have seen cabs-tan'd by it in tihe open street!


__








40 FT N.


[OCTOBER 10, 1863.


IS IT?

Hatter (rather unobservant) :-" I SEE, SIR. WHAT YOU WANT IS SOMETHING QUIET, GENTLEMANLY,
AND UNOBTRUSIVE."


AN ODE TO GREECE.
BY AN OXFORD DON.
WHAT a shock to each classical notion!
My blood runs quite cold, I declare,
My brain's in a rapid commotion,
On end stands the whole of my
hair!
Oh! city of Zedus and Poseidon,
Oh! Athens of Pallas the fair,
Can your powers be no longer relied
on
To teach men your temples to
spare?
For lo! where DEMOSTHENES' thunder
Rolled forth on the tremulous air,
Where sat PERICLES-not far asunder
From AsPAsrA's white ivory chair;
Where SOCRATEs spake the truth
boldly
As only a SOCRATES dare,
Where smiled ALCIBIADES coldly,
Where argued wise PLATO with
care;
Where CLEON of fighting and talking
Alike gained a fortunate share,
Where SOPHOCLES glooirily stalking
Sang (EGDPUs' grief and despair-
In that place by old legends so
gracious
Long-hallowed in Athens yes,
there!
They have built a quadrangle capa-
cious-
And they've christened it PAL-
MERSTON SQUARE !"

THE BIG SHIP AND A LITTLE DIFFI-
CULTY.-It is currently reported that
the Great Eastern is to be sold by
auction. That's all well enough, but
we should like to know where they
will find an auctioneer strong enough
to knock her down, even with the
help of the largest bidder.
TRULY AWFUL !-Why are GRTSI,
MARIo, and PATTI like the highest
garrets in a house?-Because they
are upper-attics. (Operatics.)
A HEAVY .OFFENCE.-Shop-lifting.


THE SPECTRAL SONG OF THE SEASON.
HERE'S to the Ghost-I have counted fifteen
That haunt the metropolis nightly-
Who comes on the stage and goes on in a scene,
And does all his spiriting lightly.
Let the Ghost pass, drama or farce,
I warrant an imago you'll find in the g'ass.
Here's to the spectre with legs of great size,
And here's to the one who has none, sir.
Here's to the lime-light that dazzles his eyes,
And here's to the figure of FUN, sir.
Let the Ghost pass, PEPPER'S no ass,
I warrant to patent the use of the Igass.
Hero's to the figure thrown up from below,
Now to one that's both vocal and merry,
The concert-room nymph that as Ariel they show,
At the Hall which they call Canter-bury.
Let the Ghost pass-fair is the lass,
And no girl can object to look spruce in a glass.
Some do it clumsy, and some do it dim,
And some are perplexed to know whether
The patent is not a mere Chancellor's whim,
But the Ghost seems the thing altogether.
So let the Ghost pass, it will money amass
For all who an image produce in a glass.


A WISE LORD CHAMBERLAIN.
FUN presents his compliments to the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, and con-
gratulates him on the possession of sufficient good sense to disregard
the howling of one thousand five hundred pietists, who petitioned for
tie closing of the theatres during Passion week. Why should the
actors be singled out, and called upon to sacrifice their means of living
for a whole week ? We should recommend the actors to petition to
have the clergy compelled to do their duty, and perform daily services
-for which they receive their stipends-though they quietly shut up
their churches, in most instances, from week's end to week's end.
1When these unco' guid folk want to prevent other people from doing
the work by which they earn their bread, and yet themselves neglect
work for which they are paid, their conduct partakes, to quote MRS.
MALAprOP'S words, rather more of bigotry,' than of "virtue."

The FOURTH Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with Numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, handsomehj bounds in Magenta cloth, gilt, price
4s. 6d., post free 5s., is now ready.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the FOURTH Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price ld.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
The whole of the Back Numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
on sale.


Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Flect-street, E.C.-October 10, 1863.









OCTOBER 17, 18G3.]


Fr IU N.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUNDABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.


BOOK V.-THE WONDERS OP THE SHORE. / .
BY CH-RL-S K-NGSL-Y. i ,
Author of "Phaeton, or the Hansom of his '/ '
Age," "Yeast; with Thoughts on Flour
and Flowers," Eastward Ho !" "Halling /
Lock," Two Years have Gone," '
"Thoughts in a Gravel Pit," etc., etc., etc.
CHAPTER I.-IN WHICH CAPTAIN PHILIP DOM- /
BEY HAS BAD DREAMS.
IT was a glorious morn. The merry sea- ,'":
breeze came rushing and ringing in from
the west, over the autumn woods that were '
burning into a conflagration of colour, and
over the broad and lonely heath, where just :
one tent remained to show that it had been
the site of the gipsy camp. Through the
night there had been a heavy gale; but with
the morning the clouds had been driven
away before the wind, and the sky was clear
and blue. A slight mist still hung about the "
river in the valley; but this, also, soon lifted.'
A glorious morn, I say; sunshine in the air,
on the ground, everywhere a flood of glory
and light; what means yonder stealthy
figure creeping from the lonely tent?
It was CAPTAIN PHILIP DOMBEY, saving
his honour as a gentleman, by escaping like a
convict. For Ma. PETULENGRO had pressed
him, all through the previous day, to open
thelittle bag and to divide the contents; and
MR. PETULENGRO, like most men given to evil
solicitations, was not wanting in a certain
eloquence, much like that of the cajoling
priests, who seduce men to disloyalty by
promises of heaven. There was no harm
in opening the bag, argued Ma. PETULENGRO ;
SYKES was certainly dead; a dead man's
wishes could not be allowed to interfere with
a living man's wants; ten years was a long
time to wait; both of them might be dead
and gone, even as SYKES himself, before ten
years were over; it was certain that what-
ever the bag contained belonged to him,
DOMrBEY, if to anyone, and that he, PETU-
LENGRO, as an old comrade of SYKES, had '
also some claim to know his secrets; besides, I
it could be done with absolute safety; there
was not a soul looking; the heath was
deserted; all the tribe had departed; no
one need ever know that they had opened
it; if its contents were of no interest or value,
they could replace them, fasten the bag again,
and no one would ever be the wiser; and a
host of other sophistries, of the old sort, wherewith a knave seeks to
make other men knavish. To all which persuasions and entreaties the
plain English nature and gentlemanly instincts of PIIILu DOMBEY
gave for answer.an absolute No;" but the first abrupt refusal by no
means disconcerted MR. PETULENGRO, who returned to the charge like
a pertinacious Jesuitical gipsy, as indeed he was; and at last it befel
that DOMBEY began to waver in his mind. There might be somo
truth, after all, in what the gipsy said; ten years was a long time to
wait; besides, the thing could be done so secretly, and with such
safety. . And he really wanted, himself, to see what was
within the little bag. Perhaps the act would not really
be be so wrong as it had appeared at first sight There
would surely be excuses for it; and so on, and so on, and so on,
cheating his conscience and his instincts, so far as either could be
cheated, as is the manner of all weak natures in all days; but as is
the manner of all weak natures more particularly in these days, when a
sham progress stands by the side a real, actual, and detestable Mani-
chamanism, the present results whereof, in a hundred ways, are but too
calamitously and pathetically visible all around us, in church as in
state, at this very hour : and the ultimate results of which, though
no man can doubt, I for one decline to prophesy. .. DOMBEY
so far listened to the tempter, that he promised to think it over; he


;A\---21 --- --- '- .--i---




o J i


TIE CHURCH MILITANT.
must sleep upon it, he said ; and if in the morning he had nor changed
his mind, he would then open the bag. Whereat Mit. PET'lI.I;N;Ino
grinned with satisfaction, well knowing that when Conscience and
Honour come to be matters of debate, their surrender is not far
distant.
CAPTAIN DOMBEY had a bad time of it, that night; ugly visions
appeared to him; at times he awoke, his hair on end, from somo
horrible dream of attempted murder; the voice of his old follower
seemed crying to him for help, so that he longed to fly away from the
rocky Irish coast, and from the gorse-covered heath over to the rolling
prairies of the west; and a cold sweat was on his brow, andl a numbl
terror at his heart. And so, taught by dreams, he rose stealthily at
the dawnof the day, whilst Mit. PETULENoGRO was yet snoring, and
lifted up the canvas folds, and stole away from the tent.

II.-IN WHICH CAPTAIN PIIILIP DoImmEr Jur's INTO TII, SEA.
HE walked swiftly over the heath, looking neither to right nor to
left; gained the high road ; marched another mile up-hill ; tlhen
turned abruptly to his right, and followed a path that led Ipwards to
an old gray church. And when he was on a level with the church,
he saw spread out before him, glistening with an almost intolerable


VOL. V F


___________









[OCTOBER 17, 1863.


42 FUJN.


I


i I


III.-THmE I1rfS iET'lONS OF A PARSON'S DOG. the wild Atlantic, to follow the fortunes of SYKES, whom we left
TiE RT.Evr END RIIArtn TtrotSTro hald his troubles. He was fresh swimming across the Rapidmuck, with a negro by his side, and alli-
from Cambridge, where his career had been unusually brilliant. In gators behind him.
one and the same year he was Senior Wrangler, captain of the
University Eleven, #fnd stroke-oar of the University Eight. Both on
the turf at Loan't and on that merry span of the old Thames from THE RECENT EARTHQUAKE.
Putney to Mortlake, lie had led his men to victory. against the best of
Oxford. lie was the swiftest bowler and the finest leg-hitter of the e E have been inundated with piles
day. As an anrsman, HAlRY KEI.LEY owned that he had a longer of thrilling correspondence on the
and cleaner sweep, a steadier and more equal recovery, than any subject of the recent earthquake.
amateur of the year. As a cricketer, ToM LOCKYER-than whom no The letters are very similar in
better judge Of play and players ever breathed-owned that Ml:. material respects, and we insert
TiURSTON had as steady an eye, as swift a judgment, as cunning a ~ the following from a highly-
hand, as any professinfial. Iis chief passion, after the sports of the 9 / respected public character, as a
field, Was Mystical Theology. Whilst still at Cambridge, he had\ //. fair specimen of hundreds of
published, with notes, at edli ion of the Spiritual Guide ofMOLINOS; fIa .ci// h others:-
and had contributed t naddnirable paper on JAcoB BOEHME to the -'' SI,-On Monda week last,
University Essays. lie stood six feet one in his stockings, and his '/_aft/rth t Idray I drped int
nusouloir development was superb. Ardently fond of boxing, he had ater the" tl an Cro sboopes, whi
seriously injured young BI.ACK li l.J, and CIARL.EY BAGGAR, two of his iS house of call for three or four
pugilistic teacherW. He north allowed them weekly pensions out of his o o thee o o
scanty incomo as viacr of Ballybathe.-slins. To tell the truth, his rather jolly ghosts. We spent a
quiet evening, supping on broiled
clerical duties were sllght-the congregation consisting only of five bqoeseved -ppt onbroiled
persons. Hoe strove with all the earnest energy of a true muscular=-- bones (deviled)-the standing
Christian to introduce Protestantism, temperance, and cricket into his dish of our club-and rose to
wild wveitern parish ; but his task was one not easily to be achieved. separate at a little after three on Tuesday morning. I, in company
Ile became dis onraged : at times, indeed, he had his relaxations; and with RIBBEs, the skeleton ghost at the Canterbury Hall, a near neigh-
twice, wliern remarnks injurious to the Protestant establishment had boar of mine, and a few other choice spirits, proceeded along th
been uttetel im hlis presence, hle had felled the brawny Celtic benlhe Strand in the direction of the churchyard of St. Paul's, Covent
to the ground, and then, placing his foot upon them withhe st.eadfast Garden, singing, We won't go home till mourning," and was as-
oarnostness of a Cambridge man, only allowed them to rise when there tonished to find that the pavement heaved violently, and that the
haed abjured the errors of the RHomish schism. These incidents, how- Strand, which is usually a level thoroughfare, had been converted
ever, were rare. i ito a hill of no inconsiderable steepness. Houses appeared to whirl
On the bright and morry morning when CAPTAIl Donrr had fied ab out us in a perplexing way, and we all remarked a policeman at the
from the gipsy's tent to h aril ii the brave old sea, the REv. PLrt. corn-er of Southampton-street, who waved himself about in a pecu-
iiiutsro l hiad also riscn --aril for a swim. Hl e had just fnilhel '"Larly idiotic manner, sometimes bending forward at an acute angle
dressing after his briny gamnibiis when he saw the captain dive; and wTl s the ground in front of him, after the manner of your corre-
as one fine swimmer likes to wartc another, hk lingered amoncst thi spondent (who at first mistook him for a brother ghost), and some-
rocks, .1. .i1.. Dotali..'s motions. Meanwhile, his dog "Tom "- times backwards at an obtuse angle. Erlnes (who is a comic ghost)
named .1i '. -. CA\IRLYLE, e" whom TiurnsuI was a warm admirrer- remonstrated with him, reminding him that he was there to fish for
left him iunperceived, and -i an t tio e spot where DotBeai had I-fit his thieves, and that if his angle was so very obtuse he would not be
clothes. In order thlit his continued stay might not appear obtrusive likely to catch anything. The policeman attempted to collar RIBBES,
to the stranger, thle clergymanl drew forth two of his favourite pocket : ut RBBEs gradually turned off his lime-light and faded quietly away,
companions-" LiLiritrrim. Cric-keter's Guide," and WILLIAu LAW'S to tthe intense alarm of that functionary. Attributing the peculiar
"Serious Call"-eand appearrdcl to read. phenomena we had witnessed to the shocks of an earthquake, we
Now it so bofel that when DOMrBEY came ashore to dress, the good agred that we had better not seek our subterranean abodes, as there
dog "Tom," one of whose firm beliefs it was that everything upon w would be but little chance of our being able to rest in our graves; so
earth was really the property of his master, was sitting upon the we returned to the "Skull and Crossbones," and there passed the
C.IPTAIN'S clothes, and gave him a most menacing growl when tihe night. With the exception of RIBBES, who is suffering from a slight
naked man advanced to reclaim them. This growl, as good luck would skull-ache, we are none the worse for our night's adventure.
have it, was not unheard of the Ri:v. RALP, I, who, with an impatient Trusting that some of your readers will be able to account for these
whistle, called Tom" back, so that thle CAPTAIN Was suffered to dress mysterious phenomena,-I remain, sir, yours (and PEPPER'S),
in peace, whilst the clergyman again began to read. The chief THE ADELPHI GHOST.
characteristic of "Tom," however, next to his singular fidelity, was
his remarkable perseverance; so that when his keen eyes saw that
Iis Imaster was again engaged, lhe incontinently returned to the THE LATEST AuDACITY.-Why must flogging schoolmasters be
CA'TArN, seized the little bag, which was lying on the ground, and always detested ?-Because nature abhors a whack-you-'em.


I


splendour, the blue glory of the deep sea; so that his heart leapt up
within him, and he shouted Nwill joy at the sight, and tore down,
through the thick lane, and ot over the marsh-land, and away to the
sands and the rocks.
It was a glorious morn. The tide, as itrolled in, seemed chanting a
lyric ofjoy. From their roost in the cliffs the white-winged sea-gulls
trooped out and away, miakin" tie air noisy with their strange bark-
ing laughter. Cormorants, and gannets, and guillemots, all were on
the wing. The porpoise wallowed in his unwieldy mirth'; the huge
shoals of herrings fled befo,'e him, their silvery scales glancing at
times through the water ; and still, as the sun rose higher, the morn-
ing grew more lovely. The living flowers of the ocean expanded their
delicate antlors, as the tide reached the rocks and flowed around
them ; nactinia and nesemhbryanthemnium seemed sharers in the universal
joy; and the shrimp, that niarvel of intelligence and beauty, swam
gaily to and fro. It was a glorious n orn !
CAPTAIN DoirnEv hurled off his clothes with the impetuosity of a
man who had not lathio. for a month, stood upon a rock for a moment,
and then, his hands well naboe his head, dashed himself into the
merry blue waters that he loved so well.
lie had not noticed in his hurry that there was another man on the
beach, or that this man had with him a huge dog.


made off with it. Thereupon the CAPTAIN, losing all patience with
the dog, cast a huge stone at him, and cursed him loudly.
THUISTON saw the stone and heard the oath. In an instant he was
at DOBnEY's side; called upon him to defend himself; doubled his
fists, and made ready to attack. A natural instinct at once led
DOMBEY to place himself in fighting attitude; and at that moment
the dog, returning, laid down the little bag at his master's feet.
Tom's return prevented a hard and doubtful fight; for fine as was
THURSTON'S boxing, DOMBEY also was no novice. The Cambridge
man at once saw how the matter stood; burst out laughing; made a
brief and manly apology, and held out his hand, saying, Mind, old
fellow, if you really think, as an earnest British man, that I have
been behaving in a manner unworthy of my cloth, I'm quite ready
to go on with this merry old row, by the shores of the brave old
sea !
That same night CAPTAIN DOMBEY dined with the REV. RALPH
THUiSTON, at the vicarage of Ballybathershins; and as they drank
right manly tumblers of the merry old potheen, the soldier made
the parson his confidant; and the temptations offered by MR. PETu-
LENGRO were exposed and torn to pieces by the trained intellect of the
Cambridge Wrangler. And thus it befel that ah acquaintaficeship
which commenced with clenched fists led to cordial graspings of brave
broad British hands.
It is time, however, that we return across the wide waste surges of








OCTOBER 17, 1863.]


F TT IT.


A VACATION DIARY.
EPT. 20.-
S'. Scrambled out
Sof bed and
St. rushed to the
window in a
state of disha-
Sbille; sky
c lody, and the
apparition of
ii wet holidays

t -tthe depths of
rashercasts me lutet
tw despair. Town
A lock strikes
five Three
hours more of
sleepless ex-
pectation be-
fbre there's a
chance of
breakfast. Re-
tire, draw the
curtains, count
my fingers
backwards, for-
wards, the
hairs on my
beard (las !a how easy the tak !) the number of my duns (how endless
the-operation i) calculate the balance at my banker's (how dire my
perplexity I) The abbey bells chime eight: the sun shines, hurrah I
Descend to my breakfast to find a note on the table as follows:-
" DtEAR Oviemtu,--LotD RABlIITWAlRuEN has done us out of the shoot-
ing. Brown Meg fell late last- night, and the pointer has got the
colic. What's to be done ?-Yours, 'THtEoPIrLt s SOP." Eggs and
rashers went out untouched.
Sept. 21.-SoP called, and said it would be impossible to go out of
town unless we made a deposit for the necessary traps. Laid our
heads together for several hours, but, coining to no satisfactory con-
clusion, resolved to summon my landlady and ask her advice. Sot,
wanted her to stand guranteo,.but, as she produced a bill of ominous
proportions, we informed her that, as no doubt her household aftlirs
required her attention, we could dispense with her attendance.
Sept. 22.--0 the road. Sot, elated, is with difficulty restrained
from bribing all the porters to attend to his luggage, consisting of a
hat-box and a dilapidated gun-case. In enthusiastic anticipation
charges his piece when in tl!e carriage with an irritable female party,
who screamed Ibf t he guard, and was only appeased upon the receipt
of the most flattering and abject apologies from Sot'.
Sept. 23.--Arrived at our destination, reconnoitered the ground by
means of a dark lantern. Sob, becoming excited, his piece, which lie
carried everywhere, accidentally exploded, inflicting a severe wound
upon some neighboring pork. We mutually bolted. SoP was
caught.
Sept. 24.-No news of SOP. Went to the police-station, but was
not allowed to see him.
Sept. 25.-Petty sessions held especially for the trial of SoP. Sor
fined 40s., in addition to damage and costs. In default committed,
but ultimately liberated upon entering into his own recognizance to
appear when called upon.
Sept. 26.--Special petty sessions held for the further investigation
of SOe's case.
Sept. 27.-The justices not having agreed yesterday in consequence
of the conflicting evidence of two policemen, it was decided to send
the case to the sessions, with a recommendation in Sor's favour,
because he had cordially expressed coincidence in the belief of the
justices that it was wrong to make hay on Sunday.
Sept. 28.-Spouted Sot's gun-case and contents, purchased a new
hat, and went and offered bail, which was accepted pn my voluntarily
premising that local justices could do no wrong.
Sept. 29.-Spent the morning in consigning all vagrant pork to
regions where it would speedily be reduced to crackling. At r oon
ventured out with the remaining gun, and returned a little after .aid-
night, carrying in triumph a partridge, which SoP declared that he
had shot, but which bore many indications of previous acquaintance
with powder. Met at our door by a rural policeman, who drew his
staff and claimed us as his prisoners. He then sprang his rattle, and
in the Q1UEEN'S name called on the villagers to support him. The
alarm being given, the parochial authorities-represented by the head
innkeeper and his wife-despatched a messenger to summon the


military. At this critical moment a thought struck me. Calling all
the grace in my nature to my aid,l surrendered tho deceased partridge
and eighteenponco halfpenny-tho remains of the proceeds of Sor's
gun and gun-case. The limb of provincial law, with inellh'ble con-
descension, signified his pleasure, aud we were parolled with lthe
honours of war.
Sept. 30.-On the return journey. Crests somewhat dilapidated.
Oct. 1.-Don't mention it. The fact of querter-day having passed
is one which should be always avoided in polite society. Sor, I
believe, is not at liberty-at liberty, that is to aid 1me in continuing
this diary. As HoaAcE says in his third carbon, Sick fratirs "
which may be appropriately appended to this biographical history.



HA! HA! CURED IN AN INSTANT.
THE crinoline millennium has arrived, and tlhe iinnuntorablo small
jokers who bother us week after week with their auti.crinolino non-
sense will find their occupation, like Othollo's, gone.
CRINOLINE..-Tho Patent li-Tooral, or1 Waved JouI0pon, ldoes iawy will the
unsightly results of the ordinary hoops, and so perfect iare thi, wivulikl
balnds, that a lady niu y ascend i stoop HLtir, 1.* *..I ,ih *L .bil tl. tIow\ loersel'
into nau atunollhir, pass to Ihet stall a\t thle op .. .... p' I i. nrlh sritt ian i
carriage, without inloonveiiieooee to hierselt or others, or lprivokinig lrudob roilarlks
of the observers, thus niodifyiing 1I an itnliorll lntl l degree all those ip'oiuliariies
tending to destroy the modesty ofl EgliBli wVoInlltu; a1il, laotly, it alipwia the1
dress to fill in griaeful folds, Price, oto.
We are always pleased to encourage inventions that modify poou-
liarities tending to destroy the modesty of English women, but why
does the inventor rct satislied with simply modilYing those pecu-
liarities ? Why does he not abolish tlhem altogotler ? Ilesides, we
don't quite see that providing ladies with a dross that will enable
them to climb ladders, to loan against tables, and to throw tlionselves
into armchairs, will altogether tond to ell'ot that important ond.
Neither do we oleaily see how the possession of a Ri-tonral orilmlino
will enable a lady to take a fourth seat in a carriage, fob tile (het of
her being the fourth implies clearly enough that the other throe
already seated are ladies, and unless those three are similarly equipped
we fear that there is little chance for the fourth, even though shio
rejoice in the possession of a Ri-tooral.
We cannot refrain from smiling at the conclusion of theo ulvclriso-
mont. And, lastly, it allows the dresuc to lill into '.11aceril filds."
Lastly! lla ha! Oh! yes; we all know that would bo about tho
last thing a lady would trouble her head about.


THE PHARISEES AMONG THE IHAYCOCKS.
THE litigious bulfers of Marston and l ligh,
Have 111made a itost inulrviollouis blunder,
I,." what they considered a very siIug lprie,
May drag their dear tenets asunder,
The world's up in arnlm fior its freedoiti of thoilghlt,
And especially frecdolm of action,
The Sabbatlh's a day when good deelds may be wrought,
Without calling down Ilumani detraction.
Ye Pharisees simple, of Marston and Leigh,
Here is something to t Iach yel good litanniers,
Just look at tile Times, you 1may possibly sco
What free people ilicriho on their oanners.
You'd persecute P hardly; those days are gone by,
We've long since abolished such folly,
No Britons would give you a wherefore or why,
Though on Sunday they chose to be jolly.
But piety lives beyond Marston and Leigh,
Though there may not be quite so much ranting,
For religion's not made of dry toast and weak tea,
With their odious concomitant-canting.
Take advice, and surrender, like Osnsible men,
Confess your mistake is most glaring,
We'll forgive you, and you will be happy, and then,
We'll fancy you've been very daring.


AN OBSERVATION IY A CONSTANT MAKER OF Thl.M.-Tiho more ill.
tempered is a man, the more ready is he to nurse-his baby ? No.
Anybody else's ? Certainly not. What then ? A grievance.
TuB best place for starving emigrants is Mexico, where, as the
French have established a provisional government, victuals would, of
course, be easily obtainable.









41 TU [OcToBEr 1', 1863.



-2 ,
,c*~-! 4

_____ ii (1.f~$Lj1lirr


SI1P=TjIOITY ANIT[D SP1TI/EIPMTrT


Literary Party (despondingly absent) :-"AND HAPPINESS! WHAT IS ITP Au! AH! A WORD! AND WHERE FOUND ?"
Slavey (soothingly) :--'AvE TER LOOKED IN TIE DICTIONARY, SIR?"


AT THE PLAY.
WIIAT may be called the playhouses of the people, as they especially
administer to the dramatic requirements of those who are particularly
addressed under that appellation, rarely get the good word they often
merit. Most people who talk of the people, refer to a class beneath
them in the world, and above them in a theatre. These people con-
sider the places frequented by those people as unworthy of mention I
before other people, and thus one-half the world of London never
knows how the other half is amusing itself. Considering the immense
influence the cheaper theatres exercise over the minds of the masses,
it is not quite a matter of indifference what feelings and what dramas
are there produced. The threepence which gives the gallery visitor a
right to enjoy five hours at the play, with an amount of warmth and
comfort that he would never find at his humble lodging, may, in a
double sense, leave no small change behind. If he always finds the
rogue of the piece gets the worst of it, and the struggling hero or
heroine of virtuous principles receive the reward of honest endurance
at last, the world may profit by his periodical expenditure mo;e than
society has yet calculated. Let us take three representative theatres,
and, dropping our sixpence at the pit door of each, see what experience
our economically-expended eighteenpence has purchased.
The VICTORIA, with quite a new cut about it. Ability in the company,
respectability in the management, and amiability in the audience. A
new edition of Faust, admirably embellished; Mephistophiles impress-
ing those peculiarly liable to temptation with profound awe, and
causing the irreverent juvenile who once called out, "Bravo, Toffey! "
to be immediately seized with the strongest internal conviction of his
own wickedness; the old plot plainly but effectively told, and
retributive red fire administered with the strictest justice. Later in
the evening, a cleverly-constructed and decidedly well-written
drama, called the Trail of Sin, quite as good as a sermon to hear, and


as improving" as the establishment in which it is played. No harm
in the threepences being expended here, assuredly.
The MARYLEBONE-and a ghost who walks the stage, and prevents
anything wrong being done upon it quite as effectively as a policeman.
A good sort of ghost, who has been resuscitated with the grand old
spectre drama with which MONK LEWIS frightened our forefathers.
We recognize in him, too, our old friend, the theatrical ghost, only
much improved in appearance since we last saw him, and who, with
nothing of PEPPER about him, is yet, for his majesty and mystery, not
at all to be sneezed at. A startling storming of a castle, too, at the
end, with the triumph of right shown, literally, in the most striking
manner. Nothing wrong here in the outlay of an occasional three-
pence, certainly.
The CITY oF LONDON and a brightly-renovated house to sit in, and-
quite a homily in itself-MR. FALCONER'S Peep o' Day to see, and the
scenery of GRIEVE and the panorama of TELBIN to feast the eye
upon, and a capital company to illustrate the foiling of villainy, and
the ultimate victory of the highest moral principles, what harm could
even a Bishopsgate here discern in thus disposing of the treasured
threepence? MR. J. F. YOUNG and MR. WILLIAM TRAVERS, MR.
CHARLES VERNER and MR. BRUTON ROBINS come with the heroine,
Miss AUGUSTA CLIFTON, as old favourites of the east end-where on
earth is the east beginning ?-but there is now Miss ADELE VINING,
Sa delicious actress, whose features proclaim the parentage of that
SFREDERICK VINING, whose name so long honourably graced our west-
end playbills; and there is-but, stop !-that is more than enough for
the money, and from the Strand to the city, the omnibus ride, like the
SPeep o' Day on these boards, is-only a threepenny piece.
THE ODD MAN.

A COLUMN FOR THE CURIOUS.-The NELSON monument.











OCTOBER 17, 1863.]


U TN.


AN ANTE*-GRAMMATICAL ERA.
TuE Era newspaper has often afforded us a laugh. The laughter
has not as a rule come from those columns which are professedly
devoted to jokes and funny sayings. Hitherto it has been the adver-
tising portion of the paper that has been the most comical. Yet,
perhaps, after all, we have no right to laugh at merely technical
expressions, which, ludicrous though they seem to us in our ignorance,
may convey a very rational and precise idea to those most interested.
We have no doubt that many actors sighing for engagements may hail
with pleasure the announcement that a good heavy old man is wanted
to open on a certain day," or that "a good singing chambermaid can
write," or that "a walking gentleman must combine utility" (what-
ever that may mean). For the present we quit the advertising
columns of the actor's paper, and look at the general portion where
ordinary newspaper topics are treated of.
We find a memoir of the late MR. WILLIAM BUCKLE of HER
MAJESTY'S Mint. Let us read.
The introductory paragraph, among other things, contains this
sentence:-
"That the life and career of a man who, for above fifty years,was more or less
associated with all the scientific improvements of his time, will escape being
made public property we cannot possibly hope, or even desire."
Why on earth the writer, "or any other man," should be expected to
"hope or even desire" that the life and career of this gentleman
should not become public property we cannot well make out.
But come we now to the memoir.
Well; we are told how M., BUCKLE was born at Alnwick Castle, the
seat of the DUKE OF NORTHUMBERLAND, On a certain day in a certain
year, and educated at Hull, in Yorkshire. Such details we, of course,
expect in a biography; but the next sentence we were certainly not
prepared for:-
Soon after leaving school his parents removed to !London, where the hero of
our memoir was apprenticed to MEssRS. HUMPHREYS and Co., engineers."
We have heard a good deal about the precocity of children in the
present day, but what shall we say of Ma. BUCKLE'S papa and mamma,
who seem to have been parents even before they left off being school-
boy and girl ? who certainly (if we believe the writer) had a son old
enough to be apprenticed (!) soon after" they left school. We
wonder cwhat school they could have been at, where the discipline was
so lax as to allow of such very early marriages.
However, the memoir has to do with the late MR. BUCKLE-not with
his parents. And so, after some account of the early doings of that
gentleman, we have this most lucid sentence:-
"Shortly afterwards Mit. BIecxLE was engaged at the Soho Engine Works,
Staffordshire (MEssRS. BOLTOrr, WATT, and Co.), where he remained, not only as
their faithful friend, but manager, until the establishment was broken up thirty
years afterwards, in 1851, after following each partner in succession to his
grave."
"Not only as their faithful friend" (whose faithful friend P). The
faithful friend of the Soho Engine Works is clearly said-whatever
may be meant-" BUT manager." Why "but ?" He was doubtless
the manager of the Soho Engine Works, as well as their faithful
friend. Bat we repeat-why "but ?"
"After following each partner in succession to his grave." Who
followed ? to whose grave? The paragraph decidedly says it was
" the establishment" followed either each partner" or MR. BUCKLE
to his grave.
We are next told that-
"In 1851, after JosEPr Htlus, M.P., had overturned the old company of
moniers, SIR Jo rs HERSCIIELL sent for him to take charge of the coining
department in the Mint, which office he continued to hold till his death, and in
widch establishment he expired."
Now, supposing it were true that at the period in question SIR JoHN
HERSCIELL sent for JOSEPH HUME, M.P., to take charge of the coin-
ing department in the Mint and so on, what on earth would this have
to do with MRi. BUCKLE'S memoir? But it is not true. SIR JOHN
HERSCHELL did not send for MR. HuME as the paragraph states, but
for MR. BUCKLE himself, and it was he-not HuaE--who continued to
hold that office till his death.
We pass over several strange assertions-our space being limited-
and come to a most terrible paragraph. MR. BUCKLE, it is stated-
Had the honour of building the first locomotive ever made, at Bor.Tor and
WATT's establishment at Soho, near Birmingham, the identical engine which
opened the line from Liverpool to Manchester, when IM. HeusmssoN was unfor-
tunately killed, and when the firs: men in the kingdom were present to witness
the experiment."
We have had a good deal of indignation excited against the vulgar

NOTB iY THE PRINTEn.-The author's copy is by no means plain. Whether
he meant to write "Ante-grammatical" as an era before grammar was invented,
or "Anti-grammatical" as an Era opposed to grammar as it stands, we cannot
say.


sensation-loving crowds, who flock io see tlih plerilous po'rioriimnces of
LEOTARD and Bl.NDIN, but to hear of 'the lir'i. in in the kingdom"
being present to "witness the experiint'l of killinl:; Al. I IistssON
is certainly more than we had barLgained for.
We have taken one or two paraarnplhs it, randoni, mid staled the
plain grammatical meaning of the word; used. Whlat sense the
writer intended to convey by those words is, ail my Lord Dauidrcary
would declare, One of those things no l'ollahl can nmll.c out."



TOWN TALK.
BY TilE LuXNCIIl AT Till' PUBs.
.1 .i IIANGES are kingg plaeo inl the
legal portion of (iovi'ernlient. Silt
VWILL,IAM ATn.IIITurin is abniut to
retire on his laurels, which I ltniey
will hardly be enonu'h to flavour
i his custards. Siit ItoUNDIl.I.
PALuuiAtE succeeds him1 in l,'
| j l> Attorney-oeneornlsip, and lie is inl
----- his turn succeeded by \li. Co'LIEl:R,
-" "who has been waiting for iprono-
1(1 B4tiont with the milost xexnip])ry ii-
pationce any time the last i'n
years. There is a plentifiul lick of
S-""~ J lawyersrs on lthe Libieral stide, iid if
another vacancy occurs think
LoRD P'A1.Mi:iiSTIN will have to
call in the vivacious Cox, or mako
1\1 It. hAIu:ia. I a lanron of ltho thx-
clhcqoer. After tlheso two legal
luminaries, I should select MR. RlchIaID SWIV'iLL.rit as the next
favourite for the woolsack.
One of the most impudent bits of humbug I have seen for some
time is to be found in ZAuKi .L's Alnanacuk. It is advertised as con-
taining letters from the late PRINCE CONSOlR too hle ipsCItlo ironllhi0t.
When you have bought the book, you find they aro not, by the P'lNCt'
CONsoRT, but are merely formal notes froi Lon ], lR. (GlRSVENOu,
acknowledging the pestering prcsoentationis with which his latlo Roynl
Highness was pursued. After all, I don't see why l such i fIs sHhouhl
have been made about tie Siblo Heading unperstiion, the ignorance
of a sot of uneducated peasants, whilo IlUonls and ZADMELrsH flourish,
and are patronized by people in the upper classes.
A pretty to-do there is in the Common Council. Tho managing
committee of the ball at Guildhall is being treated to E~lLIorr and Co.'s
entire, and seem to think it a bitter draught. They have been spend-
ing a pretty sum in forests of hair-brushes, acres of combs, not, to
mention scent, soap, and china. But the fIniiest thing is that ill tlics,
are said to have evaporated, and cannot be fund. 11. reminds ono of
the story of the person who was sent to lie Crinlca with a shli-linl
of salt-beef, and could not account to his employers for its disallpear-
ance, except by the ingenious theory, that the sea-air acted as a
solvent.


THE SLUGGARD.
'TIs the voice of the sluggard ; I hear him complain,
Because I've arousedl"im, in language profiino.
Let us see if we can't get him out of' his bed,
For shaking won't waken his stupid old head.
And first with "cold pig" we'll commence the attack
(" Cold pig is wet towel stuffed down his poor back),
If you've delicate nerves, for retreating prepare,
For I think it is likely the patient may swear.
If after cold pig he is slumbering still,
Why, skilfully tickle his cars with a quill;
If that don't succeed in destroying his udoze,
Blow strongest rappee, through a tube, iup lis nose.
If the methods with which I've proposed you should treat him
Still fail to awaken the brute, bottom-sheet" him;
And if ofter that lie still sticks to his bed,
Shy several boot-jacks nt his heavy head.
Pile the furniture up on the quilt of his couch,
Chairs, tables, drawers, mirrors, and jugs, then I'll vouch,
If instead of up-getting, the slumberer snores,
'Twill be pleasant to feel that the fault isn't yours.


__


____










48 F UT S. [OCTOBER 17, 1863.
i ...... ... ....- -............


NO ROSE WITHOUT A THORN.
THE position of the LonRD MAYon and Corporation just at this
moment is anything but pleasant. The former may be said to be
sitting on his own thorns, and the latter shows more of the rage of
the vulture" than the "love of the turtle," usually expected of it.
The reason of the discomfort is, that MR. DEPUTY ELLIOTT has been
calling the entertainment committee to account for their bill incurred
at the Guildhall ball, and further, has complained that most of the
articles, for which such hecvy sums are due, are missed. Twelve
guineas were spent on brushes, which have vanished, as MiR.
EIrrIOTT says, into thin hair ;" 4 17s. went for tortoise-shell combs
-what has be-comb of them ? Eau do Cologne cost the corporation
6 14s. Od., but, of course,' scent would be expected to evaporate ;
nevertheless, it does not seem proved that it was delivered, and if it
was paid for, it should have been sent. Powder and perfumery cost
5 Gs,-tho powder appears to have been of the fulminating order,
and the sweets for the suite appear to be wanting like the eau. As
for how they were off for soap ? it cost the corporation 24 12s. 6d.
to answer the question. Then, again, the china and porcelain, which
cost immense sums, vanished like the ghost at the A-delf-i; the tea
service seems to have retired on full pay ; and the dessert service has
deserted altogether. We should think, if the corporate body has any
spirit, it will object to such snatching as seems to have been going on,
and will establish a saving clause to protect its property from filching
fingers.
lBeforo quitting the subject, we may hint to MaI. Drezzu EL.IOTT
that the freedom of the city does not empower him to take liberties
with the English language, or talk about what he does not understand.


LUPULINE.
A HOP-PORTUNE LYRIC nY EDGAR A. POE-TASTER.
THE flies that were buzzy, but sober,
Took leaves which made clear to us here,
Not again would they come till next year,
And I thought of the brewing October,"
As fanciful writers call beer,
And felt that the music of Auber,
I heard on those instruments queer,
Could not even the patience of, JoB bear,
Had he lived in this street they call Vere."
Here once through an alley skitallic,
At skittles I sent the fierce bowl,
I knock-'em downs" loved heart and soul,
They were days when my purse was metallic;
And my eyes o'er a newspaper stroll,
And I read as they restlessly roll,
That sulphur's creating a panic,
As used on the hop-growing pole,
And that swells and the humblest mechanic
Drink brimstone and beer cheek by jowl.
I read in the papers diurnal,
1 read and take care of my stops-
How they sulphur apply to the hops,
And though such an agent infernal,
May be of some good to the crops,
It's a shame I should call an eternal,
That blent with our bibulous drops,
It should kindle a blue flame internal,
When taking pale ale with our chops.
I read-it is so represented-
To sulphur the plant when in "bur,"
May make a sulphureous stir,
When the hot foaming beer is fermented,
And it's likely enough to occur,
With the taste of the tap discontented,
We to drink of the draught may demur.
"Oh !" I cried, give us something that's fitter,
To suit both the hop as it grows,
And the ale, which, as everyone knows,
Is beloved as a beverage bitter;
Or see, if as others suppose,
Beer brewed by the right sort of critter;
A trace of the sulphured hop shows.
Then I took up the tankard and drained it,
No twang of the taste on my tongue,
Not a trace of the brimstone there hung,
Yet had the least flavour remained, it
Would there to my palate have clung,
From that barrel with air-banished bung;
And I said this has clearly explained it,
And fully deserves to be sung,
Lupuline, lupuline, I have gained it,
No sulphur I find thee among.


For instance, to sublime does not mean simply to vaporize; it WANTED, A FEW IDIOTS.
means to condense also, so that when he speaks of vanished articles ,
as sublimed, he is but a step from the ridiculous. At the same time, O all the "stand and deliver" advertisements ever penned, com-
when next he mentions the KxNG OF DA.HoMEy and his fair" suite, mend us to the following:-
he need not trouble himself to describe negresses as beingL "black -ITANTED, by a gentleman, 105 to save his credit. He has always helped
11r ro W others, and if 2,100 kind helpers will send twelve stamps, he will grate-
negresses." He might as well talk of a "foolish alderman" or a fully return them.-G. W. P. etc.
"misguided mayor." We throw out these hints in a friendly spirit, Of course, the high rate charged for advertisements compelled the
because he seems to have retained some grains of common sense, in gentleman" to condense his announcement, which should have run
spite of being appointed to the very common council, at whose cor- thus :-"Wanted, by a gentleman (of easy circumstances and easier
portion he has dealt such a blow. morality), 105 to save his credit (and the credit he gives the world
at large for folly). He has always helped others (and is now anxious
to help himself, if they will place their pockets at his disposal), and
THE RECENT SHOCK OF AN EARTHQUAKE EXPLAINED. if 2,100 kind helpers will send twelve stamps, he will gratefully
THE very earth, for horror of return them." The last sentence, we confess, puzzles us. Does the
The fratricidal war gentleman suppose that out of 2,100 kind helpers only a dozen are
Now raging in America likely to send him a penny a piece ? Because, if he means anything
NHs shuddered in its ae else, he had better ask Mit. BBnBAGE to calculate for him (gratis, of
course) what fraction of a stamp each of the 2,100 individuals is to
contribute, to make up the requisite dozen. As for his promise to
return them (the helpers, or the stamps ?), we venture to prophecy
A WESTERN WDDLE.--Why are Du CIrAILLU's stories like a native the returns will be some of those particularly "quick returns," which
dance in Australia ?-Because they require corroberrie"-ation. produce small profits," if any.










OCTOBER 17, 1S83.1 T IJ N. ..4


GO TO BATH!
S RUMOUR has been of late pervading
.' i the reading-room of the British
I "Museum, to the effect that a num-
.'.b'--- er of the respectably-dressed fre-
quenters of that haunt of learning
have petitioned the authorities to
prevent the admission of literary
gentlemen with unwashed faces and
./ hands to match; said literary gen-
tlemen being, so says the petition,
More given to .indulge in semi-
-. drunken slumbers on the desks
Than study. It is, alas! too :true.
The days of unwashed literature at
...the Museum are, we fear, num-
bered. Every frequenter of the
Sreading-room is .to be made clean,
if not by act of parliament, at least
by the ukase of the trustees; and
in future, nobody in a state of dirt
will be permitted to study there.
In order, however, to carry out
this plan, the following regulations
--which, we need hardly say, MR.
PANIZZI first submitted to us for
approval-are about to be promul-

S_ apply to the lady students, as who
-ever saw one of the fair sex, above
Sthe rank of housemaid, with a dirty
face ? and as for meddling with
their costume, or attempting to pass sumptuary laws for their
guidance, he would be a bold man indeed who dared so rash an act.
Wishing, however, to enlighten those whom it may concern as to
the nature of these regulations, we publish them in advance.
Introduction.
The attention of the trustees having been called to the unwashed con-
dition and general shabbiness and sleepiness of many of the
students attending the reading-room, and the trustees themselves,
one and all, making point of washing their faces at least once a day
-always excepting occasional emergencies, when soap and water
are unattainable, and even then going through the ceremony popu-
larly known as a dry rub "-they see no reason why the students
should not enjoy an equal state of cleanliness. In furtherance of
which object they hereby decree-
1. The attendants have strict orders not to admit anyone unable to
produce a written certificate, 'either from his wife, landlady, or
laundress, that he has washed his face-which includes his hands-
that morning.
2. No one wearing less than two shirts per week to be admitted;
In proof of which, the washerwoman's list to be retained" is to be
brought forward in cases of doubt.
3. Anybody appearing in an unfashionable coat or trousers to be in-
eligible for study, and as tho usual attendants might not be able to
detect a dereliction from this rule with sufficient accuracy, a young
man from PooLE's, or some other west-end tailor, is to be engaged for
that purpose.
4. Ditto, ditto, as to hats.
5. Ditto, ditto, as to boots.
6. Any person after gaining admission, who may be seen sleeping,
or even nodding, to be taken out and pumped upon. That the reader
was studying TUPPER, ADAM SsITH, or any other author of unusually
narcotic tendencies, to be doomed no excuse, but rather an aggravation
of the offence.
7. Before entering every reader to sign an affidavit that he has not
touched spirituous liquor for three months previously. Any false
statement on this point tr) be punished by one month's solitary con-
finement, and compulsory study of the works of DEAN CLOSE.
8. The attendants have strict orders to search every reader, and
confiscate all cigars and tobacco found on his person. The former,
when good, to be handed over to the trustees, but when otherwise,
they may be the perquisites of the attendants, together with the
tobacco.
9. That for the present, that's all; but if the trustees think of any-
thing more they'll publish it.


A NEW GAME.-"No cards."


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 59.-Sin WILLIAM ATHIErrON, Q.C., M.P.
THERE was not, that we are aware of, any earthquake, extraordinary
eclipse, or otherwise noticeable convulsion of nature in the year 180Si.
Yet that year was the one in which ono of the most remnarlknble men
of the age, SiR WILLIAM ATIIEIlTON, late Attorney-Gneral, was born
to adorn the nineteenth century, then in its seventh year. We sny
" remarkable" advisedly, for few men have attained so high a posili'i
in so few years, with so little trouble to themselves, and so small
advantage to the public at largo.
As SIR WILLIAM is descended on his father's side from lhe Wesltvan
ministry, and on his mother's from the Established C'lurclh of Scotlinld,
perhaps the easiest way to describe him i s as a lerical error."
Arguing from the ecclesiastical canons, he might Iaveo hion expected
to turn out a great gun-but report proves otherwise.
Our hero-if we may be pardoned for applying Ihat term to him--
was born at Glasgow, in 1806, as we have said before, and began, his
successful career in that city. A local rhyme describes an eccentric,
but generous, inhabitant in the following manner :-
"There was an old person of Gliisgow,
Who attempted to mnko a delul nss go,
But tho ass, being deadl,
Did not hear whlnt was siiid
'By that foolish old person of' Gligow."
Whether tho public-spirited gentleman hero iniointiond nttribunl'd
his failure in this instance entirely to the defunlticl.e. of the ass,, and
attempted immediately to further Sil WILiIAM ATrllniRN's progress
in life, we cannot say. At all events, we find hii in 1Ii32 (live years
after he was'by courtesy admitted to have arrived at years of disere-
tion), practising as a special pleader. As the poet is reported to havo
observed:-
Some please) to live, while others live to plir:se."
We may be quite certain SIR WILLIAM belonged t o the former class.
In 1839 he was called to the bar of the Inner Temple. As the
temples do not necessarily cover much brains, this noed n)ii be a
matter of surprise. It is more difficult to give any particular reason
for another preferment, for why lie should be nmado a bonchor, except
for form's sake, passes our comprehension.
He selected the Northern Circuit for his practice, prompted by
boro-eal propensities. In time ho obtained his Q.C. ; why, we cannot
imagine, unless it was hoped, by putting him to lthe epenso of a silk
gown, to deter him from practice, as lie could havo always supplied
himself with stuff.
In 1855, the race not being always for the swift, tlhe Fleet received
him as Judge-Advocate, and lie was made at tho saeno time counsel
for the Admiralty. When we contemplate these promotions, it is
well to remember that that incurablo joker, IBEsNAL OsRONI':, was at
the Admiralty at this date, and perhaps had a finger in the appoint-
ment.
It was three years before this-in 1852-that Durham elected Sit
WILLIAm as its representative. The only assignable cause for lihe act
is to be arrived at by deduction, as thus:-)Durlinm is flntmotn for
mustard--mustard is a semi-liquid condiment, which iniperatively
calls for a spoon. Q.E.D.
In 1859 he was appointed Solicitor-General, and made a very
So-so-licitor-General until Juno, 1801, when lie was made Attorney-
General. Ho has recently distinguished 'himself by (.li only net of
his career likely to benefit the party witl which liei is idlonificd -his
resignation. lie now, therefore, returns to the priivati nunimnportanco
for which he was clearly designed, and from which nothing w)onld
ever have disturbed him, save a desire to benefit his country, in
addition to the mistake of others as well as himself.
As a speaker, Sin WILIAM is not so powerful as so-porific. Iis
efforts in oratory are among tlose enterprises which number a great
niaiy sleeping partners; or, in tleeso days of joint-stock companies
we should perhaps say which have limited liability--which without
a "li" is limited ability-as their foundation.
As a politician-wo beg pardon !--the politics SIt WilLL. r pro-
fesses are Liberal. lie opposes a repeal of the l Maynootlh granil, and
supports the ballot, law reform, and the removal of religious disabilif ii'.
Had he been a supporter of the removal of legal diq:lnlili tii's, lie v.'11111ld
not have filled without benefiting the cauiso of Liberalism posts
which better men might havo wielded to it ni dvantnge.
We started by speaking of SiR WIILLIAM as one of tlio nostl, remark-
able men of the age. Our readers will see tlie force of tlio observations
when we remind them that after Hsuch a career, and witlh iich achlieve.f
ments, he retires of his own accord from one of tlih highest offices of
state.
The only explanation of this case is, that the Liberal ranks are
not so rich in lawyers of whom the country has expectations, ans ,of
those who have expectations of the country.








FU NT.


[OcToBER 17, 1863.
1


NO, I THANK YE!
My Dentist Friend:-"WELL, STODGE, I LIKE THE PICTURE, AND I'LL TAKE IT AT YOUR PRICE,
IF YOU'LL LET ME SCALE AND FILL YOUR TEETH, AND DRAW THOSE OLD STUMPS AS PART PAYMENT."


O SAW YE JOHNNIE RUSSELL.
Ami-" O saw ye bonnie LESLEY.'
O sAW ye JOHNNIE RUSSELL,
As he gae'd o'er the border?
He's gane in siccan bustle,
To claver wi' his sawder:
We wished him ne'er awa',
Syne he cam' crackin' thither,
For nature made him unco sma'
And never made another.
The de'il may hae the loon,"
Quo' GORTSCHAKOFF, sae rough,
"He's fechtin' ower soon,
Bide a wee-it's stuff;
He's aye a frightin' men,
Wi' his braw words so mony."
For wha can blather wi' his pen,
Sae cannily as JOHNNIE ?

The powers o' Europe hear ye,
And whustle while ye're waggin',
The Yankees canna' skeer ye,
Thour't like theirsels sae braggin';
Come bock to douce Blairgowrie,
Come book, ye feckless JOHNNIE,
Gin wha will spak' nane crack sae
brawly,
There's nane sae brave as JOHNNIE.


HORRIBLE OUTRAGE.
ON Monday last, a gentleman, who
was sitting on one of the benches in
St. James's Park smoking a cigar,
was suddenly struck by an idea. The
police, of course, were not within
call, and the unhappy victim was left
prostrated for the space of nearly an
hour. At the expiration of that
period, the subject of this unpro-
voked and unwarrantable assault-
for he deposes on oath that he was
thinking of nothing of the sort-was
conveyed to the hospital. The in-
juries were chiefly confined to his
head, which has since been removed
by an eminent surgeon, and the
sufferer is progressing favourably.


LOOKS INTO BOOKS.
BY A LATTERDAY REVIEWER.
WE have just glanced over the magazines. The Cornhill has for
some time past contained more chaff than grain. This month it dis-
tinguishes itself by a "Letter to a Saturday Reviewer," which is
sufficiently heavy to increase the postage of the number considerably
-and a gushing effusion by a lady, descriptive of the House of
Commons, which is in the happiest style of Miss JULIA MILLS'S diary.
London Society is not bad company, especially since Mas. BRowN has
begun to move in its select circle.
Wo have glanced over Beauties of Tropical Scenery; the author
has plenty of tropes, but we have not come across the beauties yet-
to be sure we have not finished the book (nor is it likely that we shall).
Wo observe that "The Nutshells of Barcelona" are from the same
pen.
A book by MR. THOMAs WOOLNER, the sculptor, is promised shortly.
It is entitled, My Bonnie Lady," so we conjecture it is a bust of
affection." As we have not yet seen it, we shall not attempt to
criticize it ( lZa PALGRAVE.
"Dragons' Teeth" may be considered well drawn, and to possess a
good many capital points. We are agreeably surprised to find this to
be the case, as we expected a sow-sow version of the story of
CADMU:S.
We have carefully studied CAPTAIN LORD'S handbook, Sea Fish;
and How to Catch Them," and have been unable to find any directions
for the capture of the red herring of commerce. This is an over-
sight which we trust CAPTAIN LORD will rectify in his next edition.


He might also add a few words about catching the measles, with great
advantage.
The author of the House with Seven Gables" has evidently got
several tiles off. In his last work, Our Old Home," he wanders
terribly, and talks great nonsense. His abuse of England and the
English is unworthy of him. He may by this means command a
larger sale in the States, but in England his last production will not
be re(a)d like the Scarlet Letter."
The "Magnet Stories are likely to prove attractive to the young,
who steal a glance at them. We consider this lode-stone style of
literature much better adapted for children than the stone-load often
inflicted upon them in the shape of instruction combined with enter.
tainment."

THE BEST FISHING TACKLE FOR CATCHING SOLES AND (H) EELS.-
A bootjack.

The FOURTH Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with Numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, gilt, price
4s. 6d., post free 5s., is now ready.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the FOURTH Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price 1d.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
The whole of the Back Numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
on sale.


Printed and Published (for the Pronrietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, .Fleet-street, E.O.-October 17, 1863.









OCTOBER 24, 1863.]




-A


F U:N.


THE PURSUIT ON THE PRAIRIE.

PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND- II.-DIVISION or LABnoU; wlrH RElsAnas ON Boots.
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY. THAT same night, whilst the rain carmo (ow in i iorrcnl, they
Reached the border of a western settlement, nnd an t once 1(eld a council
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY. of war. The negro proposed that they should enter tih town, obtain
BOOK VI.-BORDER, BURGLARY, BATTLE, BLIND HOOKEY, AND shelter for the night, and in the morning purchase a couple of horses
BAsTILLE. and resume their journey.
tAShIo- n Thero are always some such timid counsellors. The greid, captain
By the Author of G-y L-v-ngst-ne," etc. etc. ;is he who sets their advice at naught; who cares nothing for convini-
I tional scruples or traditionary tactics; who disregnrds alike Ml is.
I GRUNDY and Jo0IINI; who acts and decides for himself, swiftly, reso-
I.--THE FIRST LA O NATURE. lately.
THE moment that SYKES knew that alligators were pursuing him, the SYKES bad in him much of tle stuff of which great generals are
hardyand determined burglar cast about in his crafty brain for means made. Ho instantly rejected the pusillanimous colnselsi of the servile
of safety. An idea-one of those sudden inspirations known only to tho African, and especially ridiculed the idea of buying tih lhrse-, when
ancient cavalier and to the modern criminal-flashed across his mind. they could be so much moro readily obtained by other meanls.
To slayhis negro guide would not bomore than the workof moment, Gradually he succeeded in inspiring the negro with sonim of his own
and he could then give the black's body a good push in the direction I daring and adventurous spirit, and during the night they were both
of the alligator, who would doubtless stop to devour it. The idea busily at work. The slave succeeded in stealing a couple of horses;
was terribly seductive; it had the fascination of originality, the charm and SYKES, calling the experience of former years to his ild, entered
of romance; it moved the rugged burglar as the bright eyes and the a store, and succeeded in obtaining a magnificent pair of boots.
golden hair of a beautiful girl would move a refined and gentlemanly Most great men have been fond of boots. 1FtE:u)Elt( I 'Ti.E GIER.AT
novelist. SYKES, in all probability, would have yielded to the tempta- and NAI'POLEON are instances that will at once suggest themselves to
tion humainum cst errare; but another consideration suddenly the accomplished reader. Personally, and as regards myself, my love
occurred to him. There were two alligators. By killing his aged and for boots is notorious. In a former work 1 have related how, when I
inoffensive guide, he might delay the first; but what was to guarantee i was in America, proceeding to draw the hereditary weapon of tie
him against the pursuit of the second? j LIVINGSTONE'S in aid of the cavaliers of the South, an ii(ltdlgolnco ill
A thrill of manly determination went right through his heart, as he boots, natural, but possibly indiscreet, led to my arrest.
resolved that the negro should be spared. Again they swam on, buf- SYKES and the negro, having obtained all that they required, left tie
feting the rolling stream of the Rapidmuck with brawny arms; and neighbourhood with considerable speed.
at length SYKES felt his knees grating against the ground. They I
were on a little island in the middle of the stream. Moored to a gum- i III.-CERTAMINIS GAUDIA.
tree there was a small boat. Its owner was asleep. Not a moment
was to be lost. The alligators were nearly upon them. Swiftly Tur good old chivalric days are gone. The mechanical vulgarians
SYKES cut the rope, jumped into the boat, was followed by the negro, 1 of the nineteenth century would blame S KES for thus taking tli
and pushed off into the stream. horses that he needed; but the brave moss-troopers of old wouil havo
The real proprietor only woke to be devoured by the alligators, hailed him as a brother. WAT or IHArlll N would liuavoe Che1p his
which terrible creatures are, to a certain extent, amphibious! hand, and half crushed it with the grip of his gauntlets; W\VI. IA o(r


'5J


____


i)L








T [OcTOBEn 24, 1863.


52 FT


7
!


i


2


Die on UNE, good at need," would have bade him good-morrow, gaily. r
There was a time when a brave and hearty cavalier thought no shame i
to lift cattle, and to drive a herd along by the waters of Twee.d, it
the bounds of Tividale! Ay, DOUGLAS and PERCY did it; Scdtr, v
ErorT rrs (at lpresiiit chi tyemployed in the diplomatic service of this t
mighty land ), AnisTRONGos-these grand old fellows would be out of
place ifi a generation of shoddy. Time was when an honourable
gentleman catrd little if his father had been hanged at Jedburgh tree. b
The gallows hhd'a nobility of its own!
SYKE.S Vi't a plebeian by birth; by instinct, he was a patrician. I
On and on lie rdde, followed by his faithful squire, over the rolling a
prairie, rejoicing itl his liberty, his noble white charger, and his really p
brilliant bodts. The battle-spirit was strong within him on that b
bright auntmhal mort. He felt, as many vigorous natures often do, t
even in these degeneratb clit', an irresistible yearning for a fight.
An accbihplished cavalioi' wnifl.i have said that he panted for the t
certamnini gaulia, for the raptif'e of the strife. The uncultivated, but
pugnacious, spirit of SY K expressed itself in a more homely, yet not -
less emphatic, phrase. He turned to his black squire, and said:-
"S A1ho, I'rh tblo (d if I shouldn't like to have a round or t'ohalong
of yod,'old cove! .
It was fortunate fdf the Ethiopian, Nd h*is old, and rather feeble
than otheivise,; thI thld aspiriition Was not realized. The burglar
was a bold and' kilhi bokbW; btit a far different, and iucis more
formidable, eiidmy sdo6ri afpipefred.
Wheelirig .round ard about in :'r. iri-le., the bfiaSes df the Chicka
biddy tribe wore seen' ith the distafece. The resonant clamuanF of the
Indian war-whb6p rose- shrilly into the cdliAr morning air; their'
chargers dashtei over thi gound, the so6itid of the hoofs re-echoed'
far and iide. They drew liear, ard thb critical moment was at-hand.
Up, SABoL;sahd at 'eifi!" cried'the SYkEs, his hlitii sirjiti rising
to the full height df the' decision. Aid their, fntrlitlvi.lly I.'l..,wd by
the negrd, he road right unii the Indiah biraVas A clah-a hurBried'
shock of~I'l--al\twr npidrlLtr.athili..r d a hdall'Wa~ over. A'stbonded
by the migthiitledii dlait of the 1ritisli' lurglait, the Iridiats fled' in
dismay!
How beautiful is battle! At is sweet at It6rd's to 'trdetdh f'oith
muscle and sihow to the full, and to'know, amidst the'plauditfs of foiu
thousand cricketers, that you have" slogged" JACKSON's fastest bowl-
ing over his very head; it is glorious, when you are pulling '" stroke,"
to find that a vigorous "spurt" has already brought you abreast of
"No. 4 in the other "eight;" it is magnificent to beat up in the
very eye of the wind when the storm-clouds are already lowering
around your yacht; it is enchanting, as you bond down your manly
lead and look into a girl's averted eyes, to read there that she loves
you, and is yours; there is occasionally a certain mild pleasure to be
derived even from so tame a sport as tiger-hunting; but all these
delights, those triumphs of the successful cricketer, the winning oars-
man, the daring sailor, the conquering lover, and the hardy huntsman,
what are they all to the glory and the passion of a charge upon the
battle-field ? Ah i had not my Boots been in the way-had I reached
the South-had I drawn the bright sword of my father's at the head
of a gallant troop of STUART'S Horse-I wonder whether I should
really have enjoyed myself, after all, when I came into actual collision
with the Federal cavalry ? Perhaps not!

IV.--WHILE THE BALL is ROLLING.
THERE is a sombre joy, a lurid happiness, about the existence of the
gambler. I speak not of the professional punter; I speak of those
who play, not merely for the gain, but for the emotions-for the doubt,
certainty, exultation, despair, recovering hope, returning triumph-
that alternate in the true gamester's breast. From his earliest youth,
:sYTKsS had been passionately addicted to games of chance :-plebeian,
it is true, such as pitch and toss and cribbage; but he had a mind
that could soar to better things; and within a week after his safe
arrival at Now York, with his faithful squire, he had acquired a very
creditable knowledge of carte, rouge ct noir, and "euchre."
The singular man whose story I am recounting was, as I have said,
by instinct a patrician. There is no more certain touchstone of the
pur sansg-nothing that more plainly distinguishes it from the muddy
liquor wlhich rnns in a churl's veins-than the behaviour of a man at
the gaming-table. He backs the red: "Rouge perd, noir gagne!"
cries the croupier; if he be a plebeian, he swears and leaves off; if he
be a real swell, lie displays no emotion whatever, but continues, and
continues, and continues. A roll of the ball-a cast of the dice-a
turn of the cards may make yonder Guardsman almost a pauper. If
lie lose, the brave old oaks of his ancestral park must be sold for
timber; the family plate must go to he silversmith, even the family
portraits to the picture-dealer; and vet look at him Not a twitch
in those lips-not a flash in those eyes -not a tremor in the hand that
has to. decide his fate. lie wins. Ho is a double millionaire. He


ises lights his cigar, and leaves the room. He loses. lie is a
ifind'imah. He rises, lights his cigar, and leaves the room.
In dithtei dfise, quietly. In the one case, to fall on his knees and to
dtW thiibhe will play no Iiore ; in the other case, to write a letter and
o fite6 a pistol ; in either case, calmly.
6obtlesse oblige.
The behaviour of SvYcis was uiiefjrptionable. He was impertur-
lable; he seemed never to have aty fits of bad tbthper; he drank
'ut little until the game was over,, whei he certainly made up for his
previouss abstinence; he was sttudidfisly courteous to his antagonists;
.nd, but for one trifling circumstance, he would hale been immensely
popular amongst his American associates, whose'own dialect, by-the-
bye, was so peculiar that they did not notice thgt' of SYicES. This
rifling circumstance was that he never lost.
There were rbngh Tiiue atmongst the gamblers;, had he boasted of
iis success, Or setned unduly tb exult in it, there would have been
nany an ugly brawl; but he pocketed his swiinings with so calm an
lir that' thoi'e wsas riever any pretext for a quarrel. Men who had
grow studdeily ridh amongst the pildeeros of California -men who had
obtained government contracts and concessions of land-these, and
other buirs and galls upon the tree of civilization, were present. The
Englishthan defatbed'all'; .but he never affronted any.
At' last, howbveir, the secret of his incessant success was rudely
revealed. SYi&s played, not fairly, but too welE !
Then thhieer rose a clarmour arid a'rbar arid a'thmult; but the brave
advehiltiilr giot his back to the wall,-and his enormous fists dashed
down every lead Yankee that -r ,..:.l: hiti. A'length, whilst knock-
ing over ZEDEIiAH G. Htx 'r.Ith h Io lf -ri.l simultaneously over-
whelming L iuEIL T. VOKER with his matily right, he'stumbled, fell to
the ground, and was overwhelmed by nultibbrs. In another moment
he *as given intb the charge of the police ; and they led him off in
the direction of one of thbiir numerous Bat'lle-e.

V._-HE DvUNaEON's GLOOM.
StUri asid nbhsense! i4otliinitiof the kind SYKEs knew better !
He tipped the police.


THE WAIL OF BEMNAL GREEN.
SADLY and mournfully, sacredly slow,
From Bethnal Green issues the wailing of woe;
Region of darkness, despair, and ill-health,
Where toil by its coffin pays tribute to wealth.
Dark are the dwellings that comfort ne'er sees,
Foul are the odours that float on the breeze;
The living souls envy the dead ones their pall,
Death and contagion are lords over all.
And this is the city which recently sent
Its thousands to Lancashire looms, who had spent
In thriftless profusion their earnings galore,
Unheeding the wolf that was nearing their door.
Shall it ever be thus-the Prodigal Son
Be feasted whenever his course he has run;
The fatted calf grace his reluctant return,
And starvation his portion who'd honestly earn?
No-a thousand times no! It were scorn and foul shame
Such a stigma should cling to an Englishman's name.
Up-up, and be doing-in each hour's delay
The lives of our fellows are rotting away.
Rotting away amid horrors untold;
Rotting away in this city of gold;
Rotting and dying, uncared for, unknown-
Wakes there no echo to Bethnal's deep groan ?


THE WISDOMN Or COMMON COUNCIL.-A distinguished cit. of our
acquaintance-a common, very common, councilman-says he agrees
to some extent with MR. DEPUTY ELLIOTT. Macassar, he considers,
was all very well for their Royal Highnesses, but he thinks their
retinue might have put up with suite oil.
SIMPLY AssURD.-A gentleman, who backed Sandford for the recent
Cesarewitch, has claimed his bet, on the plea that the horse came
in last but one-last, bat won! The question will not be referred to
the Jockey Club.
FITTING COMPANION FOR THE ARCnDUKE.-The proper person to
proceed to the new empire of Mexico with the Austrian Archduke is
easily guessed. Of course, PAX should go with MAX.









OCOZEK 2-1, 1863.] F T



LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. GO.-SIR JOSEPH PAXTON, KNT., .P
SIR JOSEPHi is the architect-and landscape gardener-of his own
fortune, which may be said to be well laid out. He does not claim
origin from any lofty line, but his pedigree is very honourable, never-
theless. There is little doubt that he is descended from the earliest
gardener known-AD:AM. This one fact being fully established, it can
matter little through which of the collateral branches of the genealogi-
cal tree his race is traced. One word is sufficient-verbum sap-it
flowed from the root of the genealogical tree.
He was born in 1803, in a smal village-mute, inglorious Melton
Bryant-in Bedfordshire. But though a native of Beds, he did not
fall asleep in them. On the contrary, he early began to dig i4 them,
and with such dig-sterity, that he was soon looked upon as ~ garden
dig-nitary, or, to call a spade a spade, without refinement of dig-tion,
a knowing plant.
His prospects in early life were not good, but his landscapes as he
grew up in years were acknowledged perfect, and some of the gardens
he laid out showed that he was indebted to his native Milton for some
hint about the garden of Eden which was not lost upon him.
He was educated at Woburn free-school. But though a freeze-cool,
it did not chill his budding promise. He was great at the roots of
language and the flowers of speech, and grew more laurels than
birches-the twigs of which did not enter into any branch of his edu-
cation.
His first employment was as head-gardener to the DUKE OF DEVON-
SHIRE, one of the few noblemen who have patronized literature without
degrading its professors, or cultivated their own tastes without blunt-
ing the feelings of others. The laying-out of Chatsworth-worthy of
the talk it created-was the thing that drew attention to him first,
and the duke was glad to admit that the salary be gave him was as
well lid opt as the grounds. He was soon made a member of the
Horticultural. Society-though there was nothing haughty in his
culture to warrant it. The Linnman Society also numbers him
among its inembers, as also does the Society of Arts. From this it
may be seen what sort of a "fellow" he is-a "good fellow," we may
say, without robbin' him of his proper dignity.
He is well know for his management of the Magazine of Botany
and the Horticultural Register, as well as various other works of a
similar character, whence he has reaped botany-bays. Those who
turn over his leaves find them as interesting as thoso of Nature, and
the illustrations of flowers are petal-icularly good. Ho appears to be
as (s)'appy in his writing as in his training, and his style is as orna-
mental as many garden gates.
Gardening (h)oes him a heavy debt. Ho has (s)paid the greatest
attention to its progress, making it his pleasure as well as his pursuit
-,or he has gone raking solely in the interests of gardening. The
only plots he has ever been engaged in are garden plots; and though
he has occasionally been employed in budding trees-on, his conduct
was not actionable.
In 1851 a building was required for the Great International Exhi-
bition. As the field of competition was not hedged in, and no hocuss-
ing or FowKE-ussing allowed, many men of renown offered designs
for the structure. SIn JOSEPl--then MIa. PAxTON-having his glass
in his eye, sketched out the plan which afterwards rose in all its
glittering beauty in Hyde Park. We wonder, considering the example
he was at such pains to set in glass, that he never hurled his indigna-
tion at the combination of cattle-shed and cucumber-frame which
was huddled together in 1862. Perhaps he was restrained from doing
so by the recollection that those who live in glass-houses should not
throw stones. The fairy-like structure was eventually removed to
Sydenliam, where it has done good service in affording as a rule good
and healthy recreation for the people. We trust ere long to see
it open on Sunday as one of the temples for the worship of God in
nature.
For his plan for the Exhibition he received the honour of knighthood.
We are not aware whether Sin JOE has adopted surgo" as his motto,
but lie has laid down his spade and watering pot, assumed his knightly
arms, and laid up his legs in comfort ever since. He shows the
regard in which he still holds the triumphs of his skill by remain-
ing in their neighbourhood, having one residence at Darley, near
Chatsworth, and another at Sydenham, where his most successful, yet
at the same time, most transparent design has been fully carried out.
In 1854 he became a candidate for Parliament. His long experience
of the artificial warmth of conserva-tories induced him to prefer the
Liberal colours. Although no ultra-Liberal, the ribandmon of Coventry
elected him. This fact is to their credit, and may serve to wipe out
the blot which has lately fallen on their silken banner. What maggot
(no silk-worm, surely) can they have got into their brains to choose a


WI


\AIiFItNF in preference to ll a P :r.? WV W lproill'iw ileal :t 1; : .oon as the
cently-clected buffllon lis sat-in l'arli;mntii, thll will le bly his
isc-n-cttled, and send him spinming. They, perl ps, have bhnii ld
to their error by supposing that AMotley would go well with Sict
ISEPI''S co t qf many colours.
SiR JOSEPols politics, as we have said, are Liberal. lIo las voted
ainst church--r'tes, and in favour of the chief measures supported by
Party. He presents himself at once to any mind of coniiiiino inltel-
oence as the proper person for the Board of Works, instead of the
liable, but incapable, CO\w'ERi. Hlis appointmout would be, Ihowevr,
ch a clear case of the right man in the right place, and causo such
mparisons as would be odorous as his own gardens at, Chltswortih.
As an orator, ho is calm, fluent, but not striking. Attentim was
st called to his (s)peaches while he was in the Duim,, o.r D)ivoN-
lRE's employ.
Sp.on after enterig the Honse, lie proposed (the plan of the Army
prks Corps, which was despatched to (he Crianiu, lnd proved so
:viceable. We do not despair ypt of seeing the proimoterr of such
ee schemes, and the layer-out of such gopd gardens, tidhing his Rsat
the Treasury Beoch, and occupying the post of Chief Coimmnissioner
Works when the present post quits it.



,GOSIS OF THE WEEK.

TTEMPTED Scuicine.-A miisera-
ble-looking m nlu, wiho is said toi b'
a theatrical manager in stcuchl of
so lo novelty, was detected, the
So 1hIer day, in the foolhardy act. If
c oudgelling his brains.
SiO'OTriNO.-A few days ago, :1
b Ioling-ima from Oswcstry, nuar
Shrowsbury, laid a shilling in the
Strand. lHe is now busy hutching
it.
LEKGAI..-Wo understand, oil tln'
best authority, that tli i will of'
the lestator who left, nothing to
e ;,,Io-;,.,, ,,l IV h tn Ilo nind ccu-
dpation to tho gentlemen of tlh
long robo.
SST: PAItA 'S, KNIGwITSIiinl(iiE.-
The congregation of this fashlion-
able church have hloon nueh scan.
/dalized by thn appointment, of a
-horse-cllhauntor to lill a vacancy in
a. ~n : the choir. ''lThey have inaiinimously
declined to worshipi until the


fellow's hoarseness has disappeared.
INGRATITUDE.-A singular instance of the absurdity of the idlea
that a species of honourablo sympathy exists among tlieves towards
one another, occurred the other day at the Nansion IHouse. A York-
shireman, who applied to the bench for assistance from the ipoor-biix,
in order to return to his native town, stating that he lhad ieen taken
in by several swindlers, has himself turned out an impostor.
MEiDICAL.--Wo understand, oi good authority, liit lie proprior
of a well-known west-end restaurant,w, o ho was so deeply pilldl by
the small-pox, has received no commiseration whatever fi'ro thiu
measles.
TREASUoRE TnovE.-A noted miser, living not a hunIdred miles f'roii
Pontypool, found thirteen and fourpence under ia rorrel leIf, in a dry
ditch, last week. Wo need scarcely add that the stingy olld iian has
saved the mark.
THEiATRICAL.-The new farce, which hung so much on the first
night, has been cut down.
DREAnFUI Fij:iE.-The war office clerk, whoso imagination was
fired by the glo, ing accounts of the Vancouver gold fields, was
eventually put on, when lie discovered the real state of tli case!.
NAVAL INTELLI:;ENCE.-A ship's boat, when half sons over, wai:
given in charge to a young and energetic ollicer. We undmrsland
that she has since been baled out.
A Ni(ITrr or IHoitoins.-A well-known member of a highly respect-
able Manchester firm was travelling by nigliht express from l';islon-
square to Rugby, on Tuesday week last. lie was appalled to lind
that the only other occupant of the carriage was a decayed gentle-
woman'


A TRIP TO SUIT PRESIDENT LINCOLN.-A "run tlroul


gli tll(, South..









F _jJ ::,N-[Oc 0oCT i D 24, 1803.









C) --=--=~~;~-_=_
A'

r ~i4


I-OW TO LOSE A. FRIEINTD.


ITorsey Party:-" THERE, HE WAS THE NICEST FELLER I EVER KNEW.
Second ditto :-" AND HOW WAS THAT, OLD YELLOW ?"
First ditto:-" O i! THE SIMPLEST THING IN THE WORLD. I sold him


HE WAS WORTH 500 A YEAR TO ME, BUT I LOST HIM."


BYRON AT DRURY.
BY OUR OWN MAN-"FRED" IN THE PIT.
'TWAS eight o'clock, and there were lots
Of folks in gallery, box, and stall;
Critics were placed in favoured spots,
Where they could see the effect of all.
The sea of heads looked somewhat strange,
Unusual such a numerous batch
Of visitors at once to catch,
At money-box demanding change,
Who only said, h this looks cheery,
Joy cometh now," they said;
They said Of FALCONER we got weary,
But now we have 3Man-fred."
The farce was o'er, began at seven,
The farce was o'er, and then they spied
The orchestral band, who till eleven,
Would to their various seats be tied.
There rose a cry of Off with hats,"
And "Bravo, PHELPS was next the cry,
As up the curtain went, close by
Revealing PHELPS midst gloomy flats,
Exclaiming, "Ah! life's very dreary,
Spirits, come now," he said;
"I want ye-I'm of calling weary,
Appear, or speak instead I"
Then does the fiddler play a light
Staccato-movement with his bow,


And several spirits out of sight
Speak several speeches from below.
The scene goes on with little change,
Whilst Manfred walks about forlorn,
And then we have at early morn
A view of all the Alpine range
Of mountains, painted in superi-
Or style, it must be said,
Up one of which climbs PHELPS, but here he
Need no tumble dread.
The next act has a waterfall,
That turning round a pivot, kept
Up curious noises, not at all
Like those cascades produce, except
In wooden toys, for which you pay
Half-crowns at HAMLEY'S "Noah's Ark,"
Yet still a splendid scene, and mark
How well those rollers work away-
Yet still PHELPS says, I'm very dreary,
Joy cometh not," he said;
Even of raising spirits weary,
Unhappy groans Manfred."
Then to the other world below
He doth a hasty visit pay,
They beg his business there to know-
He hopes he don't intrude, but pray
Would they oblige him-if they know-
If Miss ASTARTE'S pretty well ?
They raise ASTARTE up to tell,
She thanks him-she is but "so-so."









I FJ INf.-OCTCOER :4, 1803.


AS LIKE AS TWO PEAS.


Sir Robert (the Cabinet Buffoon):-" OH AIN'T I LIKE MY DADDY I"


~------- --------.~.I__
----~-^----I









F UN-.


OCTOBER 24, 1863.]


"Ah !" PHELPS says, "you were once my deary,
But since through me you are dead,
All's now, what BURNS calls tapsalteerie
One word." She says- "Man-fred !"


Then back he goes into his house,
The spirits so defied and cheeked,"
Won't stand it longer, he can't house
Them out of vengeance to be wreaked.
A fiend appears, and walks about;
Strange lights are glimmering thro' the doors;
An abbot, who looks in, says, More's
The pity," and then toddles out:
Whilst PHELPS says, Don't you think I'm dreary ?
I'm going now," he said;
"Of talking here so much I'm weary,
Let's all go home to bed."
Then bang goes something on the roof,
The scene splits up, and there's a sound
Of oaths, as some one keeps a-loof,
And doesn't turn the great crash round ;
And then by two scene-shifters' power,
The castle's carried right away;
And then the audience sadly say,
As near eleven goes the hour-
Well! I say this is rather dreary,
I shouldn't have come," they said,
"If I had known such speeches weary
Were those of this Man-fred."



THE CABINET COUNCIL.
(Fios OUR OWN TRAITOR.)
EVERY man, said SIR ROBERT WALPOLE, has his price. SIR ROBERT
WALPOLE knew the world tolerably well; and it has not particularly
altered since his days. With money, anything and anybody can be
bought. An oath of secrecy is taken by all the ministers who are
summoned to a Cabinet Council. Oaths, however, are sometimes
broken; and although it has cost us a great deal, we have consider-
able pleasure in presenting to our readers the following report:-
Place.-The official residence of the First Lord of the Treasury.
Time: one, p.m. Present: LORD PALMERSTON, alone. He looks
at his watch.
Pam.-One o'clock. Well, I suppose they'll be here in a minute or
two. Not that they're of much use, by-the-bye. Bar GLADSTONE-
and he's too clever by half-by Jove, I think they are about the most
utter imbeciles that ever--
Enter the EARL RUSSELL, SIR CHARLES Woon, SIR GEORGE GREY,
the DUKE OF SOMERSET, the EARL DE GREY, the DUKE OF ARGYLL, the
DUKE OF NEWCASTLE, the LORD CHANCELLOR, the EARL GRANVILLE,
and MR. WILLIAM EWART GLADSTONE.
Pam.-Ah! delighted to see you. Sit down. By Jove, it does one
good to see such a phalanx of patriotism and talent round one. Do
sit down. You see I stick to our old custom, wine and cigars. Stare
super antiques vias-eh, GLADSTONE ? JOHN, your Scotch trip has
done you good. You look quite bronzed, my dear fellow.
Russell.-When I was a very little boy, it was a few years after the
death of the late MR. BURKE, I once went to sleep in a hayfield in
the middle of the day. When I went home, my mamma also told me
that my face was quite bronzed. Singular coincidence, is it not?
Oh! yes. Thank you. I am obleeged.
Pam.-Well, now, let's get to business. By-the-bye, GLADSTONE,
which of those three cigars are you really going to smoke ? You see
time's getting on. People will expect us to have a policy, or some-
thing of that kind, to meet Parliament with. How about the South.
Gladstone.-Recognition within three months, and for these three
reasons : First, independence practically achieved; second, incurable
hostility to England of the North; third, Lancashire.
Pam.-Humph !
Russell.-Many years ago I recognized some revolution or other.
I forget its name. It was after the Reform Bill. But I really believe
that the English people, in this instance, sympathize with the North.
Pamn (sotto voce).-The English people are not such fools. (Aloud.)
What say the rest of you-eh ? Now, SOM.ERSET.
Somerset.-I shall be silent if I prefer it; I shall only speak when
I choose; and I won't be dictated by any man.
Lord Chancellor.-If my opinion is of any value, it ought to have
been the first asked for. It was not. I decline to speak.
Lord Granville.-I think the best plan would be to invite both


1*


Cabinets, Federals and Confederates, to talk the matter over with us
down at the Star and Garter."
Sir Clarles blood (wamnlering in. his nindii).-" No," said the Bahla.
door, he is concealed in the talipot jungle." 1 know it was talipot.
Deary me, how hard those Indian names are to recollect.
Pam.-Well, I suppose we must adjourn America. How about
India ?
Gladstone.-She requires three things: Improve the tenure of
land; open up the country by rail and canal; give Government sub-
ventions to the culture of cotton and tea.
Russell.-Long before I was born, WARREN HASTINGS was Governor-
General of India. IIo was impeached, you know, and a very eloquent
speech was made against him by the lato Me. BlliKE.
Pam.-Come, WOOD, you're responsible for India. Now then !
Wood.-Well, bless my soul, you know the question's so complicated,
I assure you I don't get any sleep at night, for I never can remoniber
those Indian names, and I've just ordered a hospital to be built at
Bhopal, and I know I meant Bombay, and what with the riots and
the ryots, and the sycees and the old reathen woman that wants her
dead body to be burnt alive, like Juggernaut, you know, and bungalows
and rupees, I don't know what to do 'Pon honour, 1 sit and look at
the map all day till I cry.
Pam.-Well, we must let India stand over. How as to penal
discipline ?
Sir George Grey.-Transport everybody
Duke of Newcastle.-I think it my duty to mention (incidentally)
that if you do, or, in point of fact, if you transport anybody, you'll
have a revolution in Australia.
Pam.-Well, we'll think it over. Now 1 fhncy we've (lone every-
thing except Poland and Reform. We shall do those better after
lunch.
(Rings bell, and wakes EARL RUSSELL, who has fallen asleep.)


FROM A FAMISHED CONTRIBUTOR.

-- EAR EDITO,-Tho other day a cor-
respondent wroto to say lie did
r not feel himself in pin to send his
nusal copyin. lo said that taxes,
dues, and duns comnplotely dis-
7 P~. located one's inventive faculties,
.and so bowildered him he dill not
]-know a moment's peace. lie al-
most cried, and hinted, too, at
suicide. I write, great editor, to
Essay I'll send you copy y daby day
--nay, hour by hour, sir, if' you
like it. Is it a bargain ? Lot us
strike it.
You need not fear I'll over
plead excessive hunting from thli
breed of lucro'weeded tailor dun,
or rate or tax-collecting liuns.
They never rat-tat at my door, 1
Really wish they would, I'm sure.
I'm so propostorouHlypoor,lthatl 'm
compelled, from want of ink (the
notion isn't nice, you'll think, but will excuse it, I am suro), to writer
this letter with my gore, upon a scrap of MlrninUg Sl/ir (Ihow on mild
Manchester wouldd jar!). I've tasted neither meat nor beer, nor
other food, for thirteen year. I can't go out-I've got noi suit. I once
possessed a charming boot, and on tlat boot I broke my fasl; ('Itwns
fried in blacking) Tuesday last. For several weeks I kept iallo0 t by
feeding on a roasted coat; and then, perforce, became a browser iuplin
a leg of pickled trouser. When that was gone, I had to feed on socks
-they're tender fricasseed.
But does this desperate state of woo affect my powers of joking ?
No. Whenever hunger pains my middle more than its wont, I make
a riddle. I ask, why is my present state like meat that may be used
as bait, but which to sell as food's unlawful ? Because it's offal, ha!
ha! "aiufid"! Whet I perceive that fate has done helr wN,'r. ioo
torture me, I pun. Whenever she prepares to strike most heavily, I
say she's like an angry cat of tender age, because she's kitten in a
rage! When spurned by all the women-folk, because I'm poor and
plain, I joke, saying, "My nose, with turned-up point, is like my
larder-out ofjoint!"
If you would like to hear from me again, you'd better call and see
me any day this week-or, stay!-suppose, instead of that, I sny I'll
dine with you, and stop to tea? To-morrow evening you will roe this
pup come up to sup syrup from cup. R. DI-e.


__








FU58 T rN.


[OCTOBER 24, 1868.


considered to be an emblem of purity, as it is said to prefer death to
soiling its fir; all we can say on the subject is, more fool the ermine;
but the story, like the animal, to use the idiomatic language of LORD
MACAIULAY, won't wash, and so we will leave this ridiculous mus
Armcnius under the mountain of lies which old chroniclers have laid
upon it.
Next come the variations. 1. Ermines, which is precisely the
same as the former, only different, for the field is sable and the spots
and tails are argent. 2. Erminois, our old friend's spots and tails
again, but this time they appear in black on a field or, or a gold field, on
which, however, there are no diggings. 3. Pean, spots and tails again,
in gold on a sable field. 4. Erminites, the same as ermine, only with
one black and two red tails. This is imagined to have been borne by
literary aspirants who could thus boast of possessing two read tales.
p > The second kind of fur is called
S. vair, and consists of small skins in
the shape of cups, and usually in
six rows. Placing the cups in
connexion with rows, argues great
S knowledge of human nature, and
T "shows us that heralds were, after
all, not such fools as they looked,
whatever may be our opinion of
their appearance now-a-days. The
cups were azure on a field argent.
SSome etymologists, from the skin
somewhat resembling a wineglass,
derive the word vair from the
French cvrre, but this glass will
not hold water, and we are, there-
fore, obliged to smash it at once.
It is, however, probably derived
from various ; should, however,
any of our readers be discontented
with this derivation, they can suit themselves with any other they
like to discover, and on forwarding the same to SO, Fleet-street, with


THE LAY OF THE BALLOONATIC.
I wisH I was with COXWELL,
I do I do!
In the skies afar
In a wicker car,
I wish I was with COXWELL.
For here, and there, and everywhere, there's only one sensation,
Which is to move the earth above by arts of adrostation-
To reach a height beyond the flight of grape-shot or of shrapnel,
And there to moor yourself secure by cable and by grapnel.
Oh I wish I had some one to move me
On high in a sailing balloon,
To go on in earth's common-place groove me
Will bring to my grave very soon,
Or else to the moon,
To the moon,
Oh I shall be there very soon!
For I see her dancing with them all,
I see her dancing with them all,
MESSRS. COXWELL, GLAISHER, NADAR, and the PRINCESS LA TOUR
D'AUVERGNE :
I am not mad-I am not mad !
(Breaks into prose.)
I am but the simple balloonatic.


FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.-M-RS. OBI.NSON has taken a stall at
Covent Garden for the season. It is whispered that she will sell onions
principally.
THE HEIGHT OF SIHABBINESS.-A man so mean that, to save time,
he would even cut down a court.


a dozen of champagne, the matter shall be put "under consideration,"
c ( Vomic 3itorie of 3eral brie, which is our euphuism for under the letter-weight.
The variations are-1. Vair en point, when the cups are placed with
their points downwards, instead of topsy-turvy as in vair. Any-
33doc VP ffgstr. thing for a change was clearly the motto of the originator. 2. Counter-
vair, which has no connexion with either shopkeeping or prizefight-
CHAPTE V.-CONCERNING URS. ing, but is when the cups are placed base to base, a kind of double
FURS are to be found in Heraldry as well as in Hudson's Bay, though base concerted by the bands of heralds.
it is a mistake to imagine that the beaver of an ancient knight had In addition to these there is
anything to do with them, as that was apart of the helmet, or casque another, which, though classed
(so called from the various tappings it received), and, in fact, to make among the furs, has properly no
a very obvious pun, was fur otherwise. Some have supposed that right to that position, in fact, it is
Heraldic furs must have been originated by some childless herald, a species of Heraldic duckling in
who took this method of obtaining a hair apparent. But the whole the fur chicken's nest. The plan
subject is involved in such obscurity that our antiquarian penny rush- on which the originators seem to
light is utterly unable to throw any light on it. have gone was this: when a new rT
Furs may be divided into two kinds, ermine and vair, the latter, as cognizance was discovered, strik-
a Scotch herald, Sit GEORGE MACKENZIE, has observed, "being vairy ingly different from anything else
different" from the former. These again, probably on the principle that had appeared, not knowing
that you can't have too much of a good thing, are further subdivided, where to put it they placed it at
reminding us somewhat of a litter of pigs, since the subdivisions differ once among that class to which it
from the parent stock only in their colours, borethe least possibleresemblance. p -
First of all comes ermine, which On no other principle can we ac-
heraldically is described as a field count for the potent, as this is
u_', argent, or silver field, vividly re- called, being among the furs,
I, ''. minding us of the estate of T. which in appearance resembles a _,
TIDDLER, Esq,, powdered over gallows to accommodate two.
S "* with a combination of three black Should MR. CALCRAFT apply to the
"---* '' i4 spots, and an equal number of Heralds' College for his coat, this
,. tails to match, though who the would doubtless be supplied to him as a very excellent fit. Potent is
S, 'c inventor, or, we should say, author, also a name for a crutch, to which this fur has a resemblance, on
.. j of these tails may have been, is account of the power it bestows on its possessor, though whether to
'"/ ) unknown; but the probability is, help him along, or to knock offending persons down, we are unable to
that he was a bit of a wag. Each state with any certainty; probably a little of each. A variety of the
row of spots is termed a timber, potent is the counterpotence, but as this is merely turning every other
but our readers, and not the spots, row of the gibbets upside down, we shall not keep our readers longer
J- -. would be a deal bored were we to in suspense on these gallows, as it is but natural to gib from a gibbet.
Attempt to explain how this name How furs came to be introduced into Heraldic cognizances is, like
arose; while the tails are denomi- many other things, very simple when you know all about it. First of
B' rw'je nated muschetors, although the all they were used to line mantles, and had inside places; but after-
idea of eating mush with a tail is wards they got outside the mantle, and were at once snapped up by
an absurdity that could only exist in Heraldry. Ermine is a fur of the Heralds as the latest novelty in coats," from which irreverent
great dignity, and only borne in the arms of royalty and nobility; mockers of the science might be led to imagine that Heralds were only,
from which we may infer that should a commoner happen to catch an after all, tailors in an extensive way of business, since they were always
ermine, he must at once put it in his pocket, as he would not be of willing to make or find a coat, provided their own pockets were well
sullicient rank to bear it in his arms. By some writers the ermine is lined first.


__









10~ _U NS.


OUR CONTEIBUTION0 TO THE SOCIAL SCIENCE
CONGRESS.
,- cUR Hlard-up Con-
S/ tributor has for-
Swarded us the
\ following article on
Finance, which he
asserts was read
Si before the Social
k Science Congress,
S at Edinburgh, but
from some unac-
countable reason,
was not published
in the usual report.
Considering the
w- well known veracity
y tit of our H.U.C., and
we never knew him
to tell a lie when
the truth would
serve his interests
A e better, we allow it
to appear in our
columns; at the
Same time, warning
him that we shall
Make inquiries, and
if we find that we
havebeen deceived,
and the paper has
not been read before
LORD BROUGHAns and Co., we shall feel it to be a duty we owe to
society in general, and ourselves in particular, to stop his salary for
the next three months. a *
Finance, according to DOCTOR JothsoN, means revenue or income,
which again may interpreted as money. Money, as an old proverb
observes, "makes the mare to go;" but with greater truth it might
have been said that it makes the mare to come, as without it not even
a donkey can be procured, to say nothing of a mare.
Money usually consists of either notes, pounds, shillings, or pence;
we prefer the first-named, although the others are by no means to be
despised, especially if you can only get enough of them; we can't.
Financiers say that a deficiency of the circulating medium is a great
evil, and we cordially agree with them; only last week we were
obliged to defer going to see Miss BATEMAN's Leah solely from that
cause; and if that wasn't an evil we should like to know what was.
The rate of exchange varies; sometimes it is very low indeed ; as, for
instance, when we received a bad shilling, half a franc, and coppers
in exchange for a good florin, from an omnibus conductor of dishonest
proclivities; this we considered very low indeed.
Money is generally kept in banks, which are of two kinds, issue
and deposit; but the principles in which these establishments are at
present conducted are radically erroneous, Anybody can put money
into them, but only those so depositing can take it out again. This
is by no means as it should be. In a country boasting free trade it
is in fact absurd: Our idea of a bank of issue is one that issues
money to everybody applying for it, and We know a party who,
from adverse circumstances of various kinds-not to mention an open
heart, and a ready hand to assist others, for which he seldom gets
any thanks, but it don't matter, and it will all come right in the end,
and if it won't he can't help it-would patronize any establishment
conducted on that principle very freely. As for banks of deposit,
they, too, want remodelling, and our idea of the way we would
manage one is as follows. Everybody should be allowed, nay, enjoined,
to deposit with us as much money and as often as they possibly could;
but on no account to withdraw the same; in fact, any suggestion to
that effect should, in accordance with a stringent bye-law, be followed
by the forfeiture of the whole amount. This would be a true bank of
deposit.
In conclusion, we will but add that dibs, tin, ochre, ready, stumpy,
shiners, mopuses, are convertible terms for money, but, singular to
relate, none of these terms are to be found in the works of either
M'CIr. ,ocis nor ADAef SOITH, a fact which says but little for their
knowledge of a subject to which they profess to have given their
attention.

IN the event of a man committing an assault on the eye of the law,
would the law be likely to have a black eye ?-[Don't be a fool.-ED.]


Am


"'



.TIE'1ST


OUR composers never seem to carol much about the prolbbilily of' a
story, but even improbability should have a certain congrnility. TIT',
Desert Flower, with which the first night of the last season of thll
RoYAL. ENGLISHr OPERA was associated, is a curious iprl'o liho- oflIrtn
absurd ditties are set to music. The scene, laid in Guinin, is peopld
with the North American Indians of tle far west, and thie lhunua;ge ,of
the sunny south of the new world teems with the iniagery which thel
late MR. FENIMOt Coo;'ri; invented for the tribes who had always io
say something poe!ically pretty in his new novels. MI;. VIN;,
VWALLACE can never write unpleasingly, and lhis tunefull music onmie
more falls agreeably on the ear, but with it comes ai dreonny notion
that we have heard it allbefore in some one or ollhr of hiis own melo-
dious works. There is a quaint tum-ti, hion-i thin-lumi Sort of lilian
air which is introduced into the overture, and whiihl is used agntinl to
take ofi the soldiers in the effective scene of a tropic'al forest palinited
by MAi. GRIEVE for the second net., but it is merely a more sion' ificailly
scored arrangement of the old Cocoa-nut, DI)anc," so popIullar years
ago. That it will be whistled by every street boy witlini a forinigIh
there is every reason to believe, but sonmliehing more is required It
secure the rememibranco of an opera. The ballads which lIlong Io
the music publishers are unworthy of tlie pen which -ro, MAlaritano ;
but Miss LOUISA PYNEi and MAi. W. I.HAlRIISON render tlhem so well,
that with the imitative faculty, strong iIamongst. inl.s-icnil' inclinl-d
young ladies and gentlemen, thle iunes andl titles niny yet bl, ot111n
heard and seen on the piano at evening purlirs. 'The Vire'w song nid
dance by the choral and chorcgraphic troupe would nmakle IhI KNl;
oI DAHOlMEY long to enlist the female excutnulnis lor his Animizoiniani
army. Mnl. E'I)A\\Ai MUnIRliAy, "tleo very efliciii acltling imaInager,"
as he is always described, and to whoso experienced supervision tlhe
audience are, it appears, indebted for many of their comforts, Imd
better keep the eccentric African monarch out, Iof li rangc olf tni(rlpi-
tion, should lie follow the example of other representatives of royallv,
and honour the theatre with his presence.
MfanIred, at Daun't LANE, is expensively placed upon tlh stage, lnt,
it must honestly be confessed that, notwithstanding tile valuable nid
derived from the co-operation of Mil. PII'mLrs, the poem makes a very
dreary play. The great scene, by Mil. TErIN,N of the Alpine wat'r-
fall, which really forms the great feature of the production, is a
charming picture for the eye, but the sound, by which it is accorm-
panied, confounds our Alpino reminiscences with flhos of Ith
"machinery in motion department of the Crystal Palace. 'Tho 1 all
of old Arimanes is noteworthy for identifying the .Principll of Evil
with a personage who looks like a Darwinian deduction froin th
Dragon of Wantley. Manfred ascending through a trIp, in tlhis
scene, instead of descending from above, shown us that MILTON was,
after all, quite right, and that in the lowest depths" thore must Ilb
"a deeper still." The enormous expenditure incurred in tIhe pro-
duction may be symbolized in the last scene, which appropriately
represents a great waste.
The STRANID has a clever drama, called Miriam's Crime, which lhas
added Miss KATE SAVIl.L to the company as the heroine, and which
gives Ml. BELORDmo the long-looked for opportunity of being some-
thing else than the gay young dog of tile theatre. It is not quite
correct that the young lady, who gives a title to the piece, should
burn a will, though she afterwards shows a readiness to take the will
for the deed. Breaking open a box and purloining a document.
repairs the mischief she has created, but it is a kind of picking and
choosing that young ladies of propriety ought not to indulge in. Mil.
GEORGE HONEY has a capital part, of which he makes the most, in its
fullest sense, and for which lie is repeatedly saying, through the
evening, he has "much to be thankful for." TIhe audience quite
agreed with him. TIIE ODD MIax.

OUTSIDE THE ADELPHI THEATRE.
ON right and left pushing,
For seats madly crushing,
What is it the people are struggling to hear
Is it farce to make laugh P
Or burlesque full of chaffP
No! Miss BATEMAN is going to give them a Lealh


A NEAT TaIcK.-Take a quantity of the very best wheat, and stack
it very nicely. When you have concluded your labours, invite com-
pany, and you can then show them a very neat rick.
FATHER THAMEs.-A malicious foreigner thinks our river must
have enjoyed this popular appellation from Londoncrr hearing so many
exclaim, "Pah as they go near it.


OctoanE 2-14, 196C3.]


~









FU:N*.


[OCTOBER 24, 1863.


THE TICKET-OF-LEAVE MAN.
First Gentleman (with short hair), to second ditto:-" I sAY, FREDERICK, AIN'T
IT AFFECTION NEITIERIt BLOWED IF I AIN'T A GOIN' TO CRY!"


THE IRON-Y OF NEUTRALITY.
CUSTOM'S minions, do not seize them,
Leave the iron rams alone;
Scorn, that even caution won't stem,
May in bitter words be shown.
But, if 'tis the fixed intention
To detain them, sound the knell
Of our commerce and invention-
Shade of Freedom, fare thee well!

Say not that the Yankee nation
(Nation!-Neptune, save the mark!)
Shall behold, with fierce elation,
Britons heed a puppy's bark.
If our motto is free-trading,
Who shall say ye, may not sell?
But if England's strength is fading-
Shade of Freedom, fare thee well!
Neutrals we, but thus detaining
Ships for any purpose built,
Scutcheons of our race were staining
With a brand of moral guilt;
Who is he that thus disgracing
Britain, makes each bosom swell?
One whose pow'r none fail in tracing
To a hollow, artful sell."
Men of England ye are aiding,
By such neutral acts, the foes
Of, freedom, who, while yet upbraiding
Slav'ry, magnify its woes.
Cease, then, longer to dissemble,
Let your future actions tell
That you ('twill make oppression tremble)
Wish the Southern people well.


"IT'S AN ILL WIND," ETc.-The conveyance companies
are not in the least alarmed at the probable success of the
Pneumatic Dispatch. They say that the new company must
come to blows" as soon as it begins to work.
STRANGE HALLUCINATION.-An old gentleman residing at
Camden-town has told an acquaintance he always made
himself tea every night, and got up in the morning a little
coughy. He has since been taken care of.


CURIOSITIES OF LITERATURE. SHELLS OF EXPLOSION.
IF MR. DISRAELI will abandon politics, of which it is quite clear he Ain-Well known. Music (for wind instruments) by Sin W. ARBISBOIe.
will never be able to make anything, and return to literature, all shall ONE practice day, in ARMSTRONG'S reign
be forgiven; and we will supply him with shoals of strange advertise- (Which banish'd quite the old smooth bore,
ments as a nucleus for a new series of the Curiosities of Literature," Though it had often helped to gain
which his father published. Will this specimen tempt him ? Great victories in days before),
A PARTMENTS, Furnished, to be Lot.-Why always live at Kensington, The bursting gun, the useless shell,
SCamden Town, etc., when you can have similar apartments for the same
terms at Kensington, near the Gardens and South Kensington Museum, with its Experiments of fancy wild,
two libraries (ten shillings annually) and lectures ? The high-road, all the con- Methought seem'd rather like a sell,"
voyances to Hampton-court, Kew, and Richmond, passing the door. On corm- And AnrMTRONG like a petted child.
paring the walk through Kensington Gardens, Hyde Park, across the Green, and A S pe
St. James's Parks, with the flowers, sheep grazing, water-fowl, and autumnal I gaz cut ll
tints, with that which was through Somers Town and Gray's-Inn-lane, the I gazed on guns, cut.shorter, till
egregious mistake of years will not bear thinking of. Private family, nice Their shot went hopelessly astray;
garden, station to all parts.-Address, stating what are required, to A. Z., etc. I saw him public money spill,
The author of that surpasses Miss BRADDON in the power of sus- As boys at "pitch and toss" will play.
training the interest, enveloping the mind in mystery, and leaving it 'Tis thus, I thought, in every age,
with its doubts unsatisfied. The pointed inquiry, Why live at Ken- By schemers nations are beguiled,
sington, Camden Town, etc.," is wonderfully framed-like the Scotch 'Tis now the shell and great gun stage,
mile and a bittock-to contain all London, besides the two particular Of BARNUM, with the British child.
suburbs named. But why return to Kensington again, and offer what
in the line previous it depiscd? The picture of the parks, with sheep, The FOURTH Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with NumeTiis Comic
water-fowl, and autumnal tints, is worthy of TURNER. The allusion to
the egregious mistake of years is touching-the "station to all parts" Engravings by talented artists, Humourous Articles by distin-
is comprehensive. But commend us to the large accommodating ggished writers, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, gilt, price
spirit of A. Z., which finds its way even into the language. "Address, 4s. 6d., post free 5s., is now ready.
stating what arc required." No one simple request is expected-no Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the FOURTH Volume of FUN,
one thing which is required. High-roads, gardens, two libraries, forming an fExtia Noumber, price ld.
lectures, Hampton Court, conveyances, flowers, sheep, geese, ducks,
and tints-not to mention a private family and a station-all these Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. Gd.
may be demanded if they are required." All we can say to the The whole of the Bac1{ Numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
applicant to A. Z. is, that we wish he may get them! on sale.


Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Oflco, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 24, 1863.


60


=


:___
_;_i
--i~---1--~-~-- ------ ~-'
~;~=- -~--I~
.~----~-
--










OCTOBER 31, 1863.] IF' T IT.61


THAT HORRID BOY AGAIN!

"OH! AUNTY, YOU MUST BUY THIS GLASS FOR ME; IT'S SUCH A SPLENDID MAGNIFIER! I CAN SEE
EVERY SPECK OF PAINT ON YOUR FACE AS PLAIN AS NINEPENCE."
[Aunty, of course, is delighted, and buys it at once.


v v~-~-CL ~~j~Zr
~-~i~L
~f ----
--
~~--G

~w~-t\ P


GROANS OF THE GLOOMY.
BY OUR OWN HYPOCHONDRIAC.
To the sage who said, Life was a bother,"
I say, "I believe you, my boy;"
There's always a something or other,
Wherever we go, to annoy.
Fame's trumpet blows nothing but babbles,
Life's path is a series of snares,
Our days are tormented by troubles,
Our nights are all crowded with cares.
All those you think living in clover,
Would quickly confess, everyone,
As soon as one task was well over,
Another had got to be done.
No sooner has breakfast-time sped, then,
You get the stern summons to sup;
No sooner we've got into bed, then,
We find that it's time to get up.
Fate's frown to a smile ne'er relaxes,
With washing, and wittles," and wives,
Buttons, and babies, and taxes,
We're all worried out of our lives.


Stout folks always want to be thinner,
The thin ones to stoutness incline,
One class wants to know what's for dinner,
The other the place where to dine.
'Midst grumbling, and growling, and grizzling,
And groaning, and moaning, timo flies,
Moping, and mourning, and mizzling,
Make up the lifo that we prize.
What is man, but of griefs the recorder,
So the joys of November for me,
When livers get quite out of order,
And all are as queer as can be.
To him who said lifo was a bother,
I say, "I believe you, my boy;"
There always is something or other
The whole of mankind to annoy.


MUCH MORE APPROPRIATE.-A gentleman, a few days ago, said to
a young lady who had just returned from the sea-side, "I'm delighted
to see you're back-or rather, your face-again."
A QUESTION FOR THE LAUREATE.-When a poet "mounts his
Pegasus," does he do so with a Pierian spring ?"


VOL. V. H


LINES.
BY A COUNTRY SQUIRE.
WHAT, in my stable, field, and shed,
Are looked to, tended, cleaned, and
fed;
And, in their last declining days,
Are turned out in the park to graze P
My horses.
What with the nicest cake and hay
Are fattened, feasting every day;
Or in my meadows green and sweet,
Are watched with care the while
they eat ?
My cattle.
What are they that my bounty foods
With dainty relishes of swedes ;
That tended are from eve to morn,
What time their little ones are born ?
My sheep.
What do I greet with friendly words,
What shares my sport among the
birds,
And after, stretched beforo the fire,
Has food and warmth to his desireo
My dogs.
Who labours for me all his days,
And earns small bounty and no
praise;
Whom do I care for, feed, and iouso
Worse than my horse, dog, sheep,
or cows ?
My workman!


"TnE IEAD AND FnRONT O THEIR
'OFFENDING.'"-Thopolitical parties
in America are divided, like miernion
and Cerborus, under various heads.
There are the Copperheads, nnd the
Niggerlihads, and the Soreheads.
We think it would be a caput-al
notion to lump them altogether as
Emptyheads-for if thero were a
little more in them, they would not
mako so much noiso in their fa-
vourite occupationofrunningagainst
walls.
TIE SEQUEL TO TIE FAIL.-Tho
veil.


"~;sj~
~ J










- F U N.


'[OCTOBER 81, 1863.


A BRIGHTON ROMANCE.
IN A CHAPTER AND A HALF.
CHAPTER I.
SETTY bad gone to sleep! Lilies
slept on her cheek, to which the
setting sun lent.a rosy tint. A
fair hand rested upon the head of
S a King Charles. A gust of wind
comes in at:thewindow and wakes
her. She starts, and King Charles
yelps. The.door is flung open sud-
Sdenly,:and a.lady, dressed in the
heightof fashion and the depth of
indecorum, sails .into the, arms of
1the awakened beauty.
"Hetty, darling, the train is
just in. I caught a glimpse of the
hem of his coat as he alighted on
the platform;" ejaculated ithe new
comer vigorously.
1" Happiness too supreme!"
sighed BHETY.
This delightful tdte-cl-t4te was
Interrupted by the.entrance of the
curate,-who called.to know whether
\ HETTY :had exhausted her. last
bundle .of tracts. Unfortunate
SURPLUS'! Daggers 'fell from .the
ladies' eyes!
AUNT CABRY, let us drive,"
said HETTY. "The phaeton with
two seats."
The curateitightened his cravat,
and made an effort at extempore speaking, but, finding himself:floun-
dering into the sermon of last Sunday, he subsided.
There was a commotion in the hall. All the:doors and-windows
were thrown open; there's a rush out, a rush'in, and the curate finds
himself alone with the neglected King Charles. In absence of mind
he tried to pick his teeth with a fan, and to wipe his eyeglass with
the tea.caddy. He failed in both instances. Hearing.a hubbub he
retreats to the conservatory, and shuts the glass door.
All is still.
What! a whisper The soul of SURPLUS is agitated; the heat of
the conservatory causes the exudations of his body to stand in hemis-
pherical combinations upon his forehead. A whisper again. HETTY'S
voice! Alas the heat is overwhelming; but how retreat? There's
a door, but where's the key? Ha! a brilliant thought! The glass
roof! Weakened as he was he climbed the stand. The whispers
became moro audible. Heavens! a protestation-an avowal-a con-
fession of love, and to HETTY, his HETTY, his own HETTY Alas! his
Ihystorical emotions caused the flower-stand to rock violently. He
grew sick, but lie heard, nevertheless, his rival's descent on to his
knees-lhe knew no more.
IIETTY is weeping by herself on a rock by the sea. The waves
sing luscious melodies, and the seaweed gambols at her feet. SuR-
PLUS'S white choker is perceivable above a neighboring ridge of sand;
a little round hat and a huge pair of whiskers loom over the gunwale
of a boat which dances on the bosom of the tide. The owner of the
whiskers evidently perceives SURPLUS, and SURPLUS as evidently
knows it. HlETTY drops her parasol, her handkerchief, takes off her
hat and drops that, loosens her back hair and drops that. But
SUvrLUs sees nothing but the whiskers. The crisis, however, is
alarming. Could the back hair, the hat, the parasol, and the handker-
chief be left unpicked up ? Instinct inspired SURPLUS, and he made
a rush. lie had scarcely reached the feet of his beloved, when his
heated imagination pictured the boat as rising threateningly above
the waves, whilst each whisker lengthened into an alligator.
The moon rose, and SURPLUS lay insensible upon the yellow sands.


was about to brush his hair. Was it a delusion? Did he see
truly ?
The looking-glass reflected the awful words-" No Cards."
This was too much-insult to injury !

SURPLUS married the village schoolmistress, and now he thinks of
the days of his youth, which were altogether vanity.
THE END.


OUR STARS.!
ASTROLOGY seems to manage things much better in Australia than
it does over here. Our fortune-tellers livein out-of-the-way slums, in
constant dread of the police, whose adventthey cannot foretell, what-
ever else they may prophecy. The astrologers of the far west are
better off; witness this notice, clipt from a-Melbourne paper:-
ASTROLOGY.-MADAME EcneART, who is renowned for her knowledge of
chiromancy, physiology, astrology, and the effect of the most hidden
influences on human nature.and fates, begs tasolicit the patronage of thefriends
of the occult sciences, and the public generally. rMaW ieiXo.aeT is continually
visited by persons of the highest standing,ctoiWhom-lih ruthfUlly revealed
their past lives and their future.-lan MRB Ecxri" ert ffte .hours-flrom
morning 10 o'clock till 9 o'clock in the evening.
In a country whither so many of the inhabitants lave been taken
by the force of circumstances over which they had, no control-
circumstances by which they were, but ,with-.wliiah they were not,
transported-MADAME E.'s revelationsof gaat.:ives 'must be strange
ones. Even "persons of the highest litadia'..jow may have been
,guilty of the lowest lying (not to mentiounheftiand murder) in former
times. How thriving her business .is,wme 'nan see ly the sentence,
".Office hours from morningl0 o'clock till :6'clok .in ithe evening."
If she were in England, the:only ".offices'" with.whidhhkerwould be
connected would be, first, the -one that--would ;be given toAthe police
.as to her whereabouts, and,-econd,-the -one to-Twhiih tshe-would be
taken when caught. Perhaps it would be well -if the-olony were to
.take ,leaf out of our statute book on.thesesubjacts.


II0NNET.
-BY A T-IROUBED I:iEETOTALLBR,.
'SWEET limpid liquid, that doat-ewll,
And.dost.alike supply
Famed Piccadilly pump as well
As tears of sympathy!
I love to hear your gurgling sound
Within melodious pipes;
A luckless me I looks around,
And then my eyes I wipes.
I listen for your welcome laugh
Beneath the cistern-lid;
You do not gush in my behalf-
I only wish you did !
Ah! not for me you flood and flow, alas! and woe for why?
I could not pay the rate-and so they cut off the supply!

TAMWORTH OR DONNYBROOK.
WHAT can SIR ROBERT PEEL be thinking of? It seems as if in his
desire to identify himself with Ireland, he had become Hibernis ipsis
Hibernior, more quarrelsome than Pat himself. There never was a
worse stroke of policy than that which knocked down a jostling
elector, and we question if BOCKUM DOLFS' hat will shake KING
WILLIAM on the Prussian throne one-half so powerfully as the bon-
neted beaver of one of MR. PEEL'S supporters will endanger SIR
ROBERT'S seat in the House. How could PAM. trust that dreadful
Irish boy of his out of his sight ? Of course he will have to discharge
him next Session; even the Secretary for Ireland cannot with im-
punity make himself a minister at war.


CHAPTER ONE-HALF. O IT'S A FACT.-A celebrated American chemist has lately dis-
TIHE church chimes awoke SURPLUS from a sound sleep. Where covered a fluid of such extraordinary cleansing powers, that it will not
was he ? What was about to happen ? only remove marks from all articles of dress, etc., but could even, it
It was thirteen minutes and a few seconds after half-past ten. The is asserted, take Staines out of Middlesex!
marriage was to be consummated fifteen minutes after that hour. He A NOTE ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION.-That there is a decided
looked in ghastly despair around his room. An awful conviction depreciation in the value of gold is confirmed by the experience of all
loomed upon him. Where was his linen? He could only find his who observe the constant change to which a sovereign is liable.
cravat, and that was hopelessly spoiled by the brine of ocean. Des- TuRF NEWs.-There is no foundation for the report that the cele-
perately he thrust on his nether garments. He went to the glass and brated horse Borealis has turned a roarer."









OCTOBER 31, 1863.]


FilU-7Vh


GOSSIP OF THE WEEK.
ALAMITOUS ACCIDENT.-At a
S recent meeting of the shareholders
of the Diddlesex Junction, a stout,
elderly gentleman burst with rage.
Fortunately, however, the com-
pany's medical officer was in
attendance, and the unfortunate
Sufferer was skilfully sewn up.
DISTRESSING CASE OF KLEPTO-
MANIA. Last Wednesday the
EDITOR OF FUN detected a remark-
S \ably pretty and interesting .girl in
the act of stealing a sly glance.
Out of consideration for her unfor-
tunate relatives he has declined to
prosecute.
BRUTAL SPOnTS. -At the recent
disgraceful prize-fight, not only
was the beaten man completely
exhausted, but his backer, alko, was very much chawed up.
CHANGE OF RESIDENCE.-A. tall, military-looking gentleman was
observed yesterday to spring from a well-known stock. He has since
taken apartments in a comparatively obscure cravat.
RuRAL.-The farmers in the- Midland counties complain dreadfully
that the rural police make a practice ofwalking over their beet. This
should be seen to.
SINGULAR MONOMANIA.-A respectable, middle-aged man, now
employed as coachman to an elderly dowager, cannot divest himself
of the idea that he is a screw-driver. Her ladyship's-horses consider
this personal.
AMUSING PRESUMPTION.-The retired upholsterer, who bared his
arms, and dogged a friend's!footates, .hae begun to ape his betters.



THE CABINET' COUNCIL.
(FROM OUR owiN TRAITOR.)
Pam.-Now, then, about Poland. It's in your special department,
JOHN; but you'll pardon my saying that after your recent diplomacy,
we had better talk it over altogether.
Russell.-My policy has been simple and straightforward. I feel
certain that it would have been approved by LORD SOMERS and the
late MR. BURKE. I said the most irritating things possible to Russia;
but it was quite safe, as I started by mentioning that under no con-
ceivable circumstances did we intend to fight.
Pam.-But suppose we must ? War is quite on the cards-oh,
GLADSTONE ?
Gladstone.-Yes; and for three reasons. France wants it; Russia
is prepared for it; England will drift into it.
Russell.-If it turns out to be unpopular, I give notice that I shall
resign, just as I did when we got embarrassed in the Crimea.
Omnes.-Nobody doubts that !
Pam.-Come, gentlemen, has nobody any ideas but the CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER ?
Lord' Chancellor:-If advice was wanted from the occupant of the
woolsack, it was a matter of courtesy to ask him first.
Sir C. Wood.-I was reading a book the other day-no, I think it
was a newspaper-and it said that the hop-poles would soon be
entirely cut down. Where are the hop-poles ?
Gladstone (sotto voce).-And this man is my colleague !
Lord Granville-I should ask the Regulator and GENERAL MOURA-
VIEFF to dine with us down the river.
Sir G. Grey.-Shall I send any more London detectives to Warsaw
Pam.-My dear GEORGE, don't you think it would be better, in the
first instance, to find out who killed the woman in ST. GILES's and who
murdered ELIZABETH HUNTER?
Sir G. Grey.-By Jove Not at all a bad idea! I had almost for-
gotten those two cases. I'll remind MAYNE.
Pam.-I really think you had better! Then, I suppose, we go for
war, but not till the spring? Is that it?
Many Ministers.-You know best. We are quite ready to leave it
all to you.
Pam.-Then, that's settled! How about Reform?
Gladstone.-Necessary; desirable; and just. And for these three
reasons: the present constitution of the House of Commons, which is
disgraceful; the clearly developed tendencies towards a rational Con-
servatism that are growing up amongst the working classes, as


opposed to the smaller tradesmen; and the magnificent behaviour of
Lancashire.
Russell.-I don't think anybody really cares for reform. I don't.
I hinted as much at Blairgowrie, the other day, in that speech of
mine-I dare say some of you read it-in which I said that thero
was really no difference in principle between LoaD DERBY and LORD
PALMERSTON: nor is there, that I can see !
Gladstone.-Supposing that to be the case, doesn't it occur to the
noble earl that, for a considerable time past, he has really been obtain-
ing office under false pretences p
Russell.-I protest against such language. It is enough to make
the late MR. BURKE rise from his grave !
Pam (sotto vocc).-I wish he would We are not a bit too strong
in debating power. (Aloud) Then, I suppose, we don't initiate
Reform, oh ? But watch the times, and see how the cat jumps ?
Many Ministers.-Just our policy !
Gladstone (sotto voce).-And these men govern England !
Sir C. Wood.-I-I'm very sorry; but I really don't see what the
cat has to do with it. I remember reading a capital argument somc.
where-I forget the place-against corporal punishment-or capital
punishment. Which is flogging, by-tho-bye ?
Pam.-Then, I think, we havo done pretty well for one sitting-eh P
Many Ministers.-Charmingly! What dy'o think of Miss BATI:MAN P
Russell.-One moment I have a young protidd that I want a placo
for. I don't know whether you've heard the name beforo-ELLI oTr.
Pam.-Certainly. Well, good day-good day.
(The Ministers go out-of the room.)
Pam.-Oh dear-oh dear! Making bricks without straw;
carrying water in a sieve! If it wasn't for G LAnSTONn! Ah! 1110e,
if I could only get a few MEN round me. I wish to goodness JohN
BRIGHT was English, and BENJAMIN DISRAELI-woll, Oe'll say a Ieetle
less unscrupulous.


A MYSTERIOUS LEG OF MUTTON.
A GENTLEMAN writing to a contemporary foem Bourde-en-Brie, in
France, says, "Last evening, just after dark, at the time when tie public
square was crowded with the usual Sunday audience of the military
band, a very curious incident took, place. The day bad been very
cloudy, with a steady breeze from S.S.W.; some rain had fallen, and
the sun was very red in a wild sky ; still nothing prepared us fior
what actually happened. Just as the maire and his party wero
returning home, a raw leg of mutton fell down from the sky! Of
course, anyone with a grain of senso would havo concluded it was a
meat-eor. It turned out, however, that instead of dropping from the
zenith, it fell from tho NADAR-or rather fiomn his balloon. We have
not learned whether it was sent down purposely, or tumbled down by
accident. We have heard of pigeons being thrown off the car of a
balloon as an experiment of flight, and the leg may havo been cast
out for a similar purpose. Of course, however, any entomologist is
aware it could not fly, as it was only in the grub state.


QUITE WRONG IN THE "MAYNEI."
THERE was a man of Westminster
Who, being wondrous wise,
Allowed no stalls on Strutton-ground
To yield the poor supplies.
And when he had stopped this honest trade
With all the might of MAYNE,
He wondered why so many should
To thieving turn again.


ALARMING ACCIDENT.-On Monday last, at the -- station of the
-- Railway, a gentleman, carrying several parcels, procured the
services of a porter of the name of SMITI to assist him in placing them
in the carriage on the up-line. Just as the train was in motion, and
while the porter was still standing on the step of the carriage, the
traveller incautiously gave him a tip. The wretched man's danger
was instantly perceived by the inspector, who caught him, and
removed him to a place of safety. This should prove a warning to
those who are in the habit of giving money to railway officials.
QUESTION AND ANSWER.-The question with reference to a successor
to the Grand Duke in Poland occupies the Russian mind. We should
think the liberation of the country would answer.
JUST LIKE 'EM.-Tho following is an extract from an Irishman's
letter of advice to his son :-" Be no respecter of parsons "


--------
---


I








[OCTOBER 31, 1863.


164U FUNT


THE BURGLARS DETECTED.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.
BOOK VII.-ROGER SYKES AND JOHN GRABBER.
By V-cr--t H-co. Author of "The Miserables," etc., etc.

I.-THREE PERSONS WHO IMPEISONIFY.
IT was one of the nights of October, brumous and cold; the fog, in
masses livid, crepusculary, obscure, terrible, began to spread through
the streets of New York-city mysterious and august, riotous in
luxury, squalid in distress-but from which was destined to arise,
before many years, the sublime cry of universal emancipation and
fraternity !
Through the mystery, a light; through the fog, the aureole of
Progress!
Three men crept, with stealthy and measured steps-swift when
the first went swiftly, slowly when his pace was more moderate-
through the street. The relative distance between them never
altered. One would have said three parts of a machine-three limbs
of an animal. The foremost was tall and robust; his step was firm
and manly ; yet there was an uncertainty indicible, indiscriptible in all
his movements. The second regulated his march by that of the first;
by the dim light even, it was plain that he was a negro. The third,
tall, powerful, erect, walked with an air of authority, concentrated,
quasi-brutal, rigid.
The first-represented he not the daring yet perplexed spirit of
Crimo adventurous ?
The second-that of blind Fidelity ?
And the third? The third was Society, Order, the Law !
One of these men depended upon himself and his servant; another
upon himself and his master; the third counted on the help of pre-
scription, authority, the handcuff, the galleys, the prison, the scaffold,
the gibbet!


He also counted upon Himself, this last one.
Pause we for a moment. Analyze we. Let us go to the depth,

II.-SKETCH OF THE PHILOSOPHY OF PROGRESS.
THE Crime-what is its root? The Ignorance.
Servile Fidelity-what is its cause ? The Ignorance.
The Severities of Society-what justifies them? The Ignorance,
Triple; and yet identical.
And the remedy?
The remedy-Light!
Lux-light-light in grand floods-light streaming through the
darkened brain as through the dusty window-light warming the
human heart as it helps to warm the earth-light, the fecund, the in-
exhaustible, the adorable, the inexpressible light-light for the
burglar, light for the slave, light even for the policeman-behold, in a
word, the programme luminous and splendid of the Future!

III.-DIGRESSION NECESSARY.
IT is necessary that we retrace our steps. May the reader pardon
us a curt explication, which is not without its bearing upon future
chapters of this sombre romance.
Seized at the table of play, SYKES-we have already said it-was
carried off by the police. He bribed them. Let no one wonder that
they accepted the bribe. He who writes these lines has known the
day when marshals, ministers, counsellors of state-nay, judges,
bishops, archbishops-have been false to their duties for money-have
lent their support to crowned villainy, to an apotheosis of Evil, to an
Ahrimanes with sunken eyes, spiky mustache, big nose. Let us pre-
cise. The date of the latter crime was December the Second, 1851.
Who can consistently blame the New York police ?
Safe for the present; but impossible to return to the gambling
saloon. What was SYKES to do?
Society, severe, inexorable, by times even cruel, would have shut
her gates rudely in his face. She pardons the speculator on the
Bourse, the Exchange; she never pardons the man who cheats at cards,









F U NT.-OcTOBER 31, 1863.


K N


tS/t^^=|-"!




THE RUSSIAN BOTTLE IMP.

Czar:-" YOU MUST LEARN TO LOVE ME-HA! HA!"


,/. y


9 ~n-
--------------
--~-----
-----
--


EB~R









OcTOBER 31, 1863.]


FU NT.


and who, offence still more grave, has been found out. Advice and
notice to the golden youth of the Second Empire: Gentlemen, a little
more of caution, if you please! The swindler begins to pierce.
SYKEs had resolved upon obtaining .a certain sum of money. He
needed it for his mysterious work in Europe. Not a single dollar was
henceforth to be obtained by play. He resolved upon robbery of a
different kind-on the robbery of a bank !
An enterprise of this magnitude demanded collaboration. His
black, SAMBO, although old, had given so many proofs of courage and
devotion that SYKES did not hesitate to implore his aid. The negro
remonstrated against the enormity of the crime; SYKES said-
Is it then that there is of crime, well understood, serious, grave in
the cracking of this here old crib ? Know then, SAMBO, the real
robber, the veritable criminal is not the man who boldly risks his
liberty to increase his capital. It is the artful old bloke wet sits at
his ease in the bank parlour, a-diddling of the widder and the orphling
out of their browns, a-embezzling of charitable fundses, and a going
of the ole hog as long as it's on the safe side of the lor No, SAMBO ;
SYKES has his faults, but he is not a director! "
"Bloke," "diddling," "browns,"-what mean these expressions,
barbarous, bizarre, but picturesque, but expressive, but sublime ?
Permit that we digress again a time.

IV.-To PARIS, ARGOT; TO LONDON, SLANG.
THE argot of Paris, we believe to have explained it at some length
elsewhere.*
.The slang of London has also its attractions for philologue and
philosophy. Sublime and touching thought! Fraternity of dialects-
CARTOUcHE explains himself to JAK SHEPPARDS; RICHARDS TIRPING
makes himself comprehended of CARTOUCHE; VIDOCQ also, and JOHNNY
THAN WILD-they have this in common as characteristics-they speak
a language of their own-which is, to the English of BYRON, to the
French of MOLIERE, what the tavern is to the temple, the heath where
purses are taken to the hearth where the Solidarity df the Peoples is
adored!
The slang of London is, hasten we to:say it, brisk, salient, angular,
acute, picturesque. It lacks the alert vivacity of our own argot. It
is the froth of the porter-beer- not the foam of the champagne.
Nevertheless, full of merit.
Let us approfound a little.
Cry of ridicule, of cynical derision:; the London boy exclaims,
" Halloa, boys, halloa; here is again one other Guy!" Admirable irony!
Yes, granted; but also cynicism and the lingering relics of a degrading
spirit of Persecution! "One other Guy !" It is thus that the London
boy, essentially Protestant and mocker, at once qualifies a ridiculous
object, and malign e the grand figure, historical, obscure, but august,
but magnificent, of GUIDO FAWKES !
Again an example. Sees the boy an absurd individual whatsoever,
he exclaims, Who is then your hatter ?" Witty! Yes, granted;
but it is the wit of a people that sets too great a store upon the mere
external upon appearance, upon costume, upon conventionality.
One day the argot and the slang will efface themselves; and the
peoples will comprehend each other in that sublime language, whose
alphabet has for its Alpha, the Progress-for its Omega, the Equality
Digression made. Let us resume.

'V.-EFFICIENCy OF ARGUMENT BASED UPON GUNPOWDER.
SAMBO could not, for some moments, understand the logic of his
master. SYKES pursued.
See ye, then. The slave who steals a horse is criminal; the slave-
holder who steals a human being is innocent. Thus rules the society
of the South. It's a gammon, and a sell, and a do."
Troubled by the eloquence of the burglar, his mind perplexed by an
inrush bf new and strange ideas, the black still hesitated, and was
silent. SYKES lost patience. He drew a pistol from his pocket, and
presented it at SAMBo's head.
Now look here, you over-scrupulous, woolly-pated old sinner. I
want you to help me ; do, if you like; don't, if you doesn't; only, if
you doesn't, I shall discharge this here detonating weapon, as is ready
loaded, and as is ready capped !"
The black hesitated no longer. He threw himself at his master's
feet, expressed himself converted, and promised his most cordial
co-operation.

I.--ANTECEDENTS OF AN ANGLICAN DETECTIVE.
THE reader will now understand with what object two of the
nocturnal wanderers proceeded in the direction of a Bank. Rests to
explain the motives and the antecedents of the third.

See ye "The Miserables," Sixth Tome.


These were simple. His motive was to capture SYKES; his anto-
cedents were those of a policeman. GRABBER-JOHN GRAIIKER-was
one of the most able agents of the English dotectivo force. lie had
been sent to New York in pursuit of a defaulter, but he had ikiled to
find him. These mistakes, these misfortunes, occur not infrequently
with the detectives of Great Britain.
GRABBER, nevertheless, was no ordinary man. He had the strength,
the courage of a lion. Not succeeding in capturing the defaulter, he
determined to arrest (" take up") somebody else. He made it a rule
never to return empty-handed. He had accidentally soon SYKES, and
had immediately recognized those rugged features, whidh, 'when once
seen, were not easily to be forgotten. From that moment 'his.motive,
hitherto simple, complicated itself.
He was no longer acting only in the interest of the 'law; he had a
personal hatred to gratify, a personal wrong to redress.
SYKES was the most skilful-man of his day in the peculiar profession
which his exigencies had compelled him to adqpt.
Arrested by GRABBER, it was now mannyyears, he had been sent to
prison. He registered three vows: to say his catechism 'audibly
every morning ; to obtain .a ticket-of-leave; to show GRABnBE that
'he was still to be feared. .The mobile chaplain, Anglican and impres-
sionable, soon recommended the enlargement of one who seemed so
interesting and so sincere a 'penitent. 'SYKEs was released; ho
returned to his home in Oharles-street, Drury-lane; lie revelled again
in those orgies of low class, orgies of cow-heel, little suppers of tripe,
those juicy breakfasts of hot rolls and melted butter, which arc so
dear to the thief of Albion.
Physiological deduction; even burglars may become bilious. Io
made careful inquiries as to the movements of GRxABBE. lie did not
himself venture into the immediate neighbourhood of Scotland-yard ;
but his youthful emissaries, the Artful Codger and CIAIIEY 'IIIAITr S,
at length informed him that INSI'ECTOIR GIRAIIEB had gone out of
town, probably to pursue some felon of the province.
On the night that he heard this news, SYKES broke into the In-
spector's little house at Clapham. (GRABBER was Low Church.) Hlo
terrified MRS. GRAlBER into fits; made himself master of all his
enemy's portable property; left an ironical note and his ticket-of-
leave upon the wash-hand stand; returned to Charles-street; con-
verted his spoil into ready money ; caught the next train to Liverpool;
embarked on board a steamer bound to New York; proceeded to the
Western States of North America; then to the prairies, broad,
beautiful, and undulating as the bosom of the summer sea ; and lived
for some years the hardy and exciting life of a trapper. It was at
this period that he met CAPTAIN PHILIP DOMBEY. lie loft his wife at
home. She will yet reappear upon the scene of this sombre romance.
Conceive ye now, whether or not JOHN GRAB1ERo was anxious to
capture ROGER SYKES.

VII.-THE CRisis.
MIDNIGHT : or a little near.
SYKES is in front of tho bank. He signs to SAMBO, who draws
nearer. The intention-it declares itself. SYKES is about to climb
upon the negro's back. This will bring him to the height of a little
window. Ingressionce obtained, what follows? This.
SYKES has a friend within, as well as without.
That friend has chief charge of the bank for the night; and ho has
drugged the liquors of all his subordinates. A few blows to the
accomplice to save appearances, and all will be over. Moment terrible
and supreme.
GRABBER draws near, still unseen.
When these two men meet, there will be a frightful struggle.
Both are strong, alert, determined. They hate each other with all
the enmity engendered by a corrupt state of society. Some day, the
auroral progress will dawn; all men will love each other; and on
that happy morn the policeman will fling down his truncheon and
embrace the thief. Touching mystery of reconciliation, universal
and profound.
Silence; suspense ; then a whisper in the ear of SAMBn, Give us
a back-up Again the slang !
Ingots of gold, rouleaux of sovereigns and dollars, quires upon
quires of crisp bank-notes-in another moment they will be at the
mercy of a man, who, placed under the ban of society, revolts against
her-who, proscribed, pursued, condemned, is yet terrible, tremendous,
perchance invincible-for he dares!
Silence; suspense; and then a swift step forwards, a heavy hand
upon the shoulders of the burglar, and .a loud voice, strident, sten-
torian, which cries,
"SYKES, YOU'RE WANTED! IN TIlE NAME OF TIlE LOR! "
At times the revenge of the functionary is the assertion of a
principle.


I


1_










68
\--------------

TOWN TALK
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBn,


F l UN.*


[OCTOBER 31, 1863.


RECENTLY the
earthquake has
Sr thrown all
England into agi-
tation physical
Sand mental. I
have gone
through the
letters and
articles in the
various journals
very carefully, as
it appeared to me
wise to avail one's
Self of the oppor-
tunitytoestablish
a code of rules for
one's guidance
under similar cir-
cumstances. I
Shave come to the
-- conclusion that
the most dignified
line of conduct is
that adopted by
a person near
S Exeter, who,
r tL \M when the whole
t---to house oscillated
like a ship at sea,
pub his head out of window, and asked, Who's there ? One thing
which one appears imperatively bound to do, is to write an idiotic
account to the daily papers. The specimens of composition this time
Ire remarkable. The shock appears to have deprived some of the
writers of their senses--if they ever had any. One person says "his
blood flow about him," as if he had received a violent poignde on the
nose. Another talked about his furniture shivering; common furni-
ture shakes, but his was so highly polished, it could not descend below
a genteel shiver. A third spoke about his house, "which was usually
as firm as a rock"-as if his abode, like a decayed tooth, played fast
and loose occasionally. The stock of similes must have been exhausted
in the description of the phenomenon-it was like "a discharge of
artillery "-or some one under the bed"-" a peal of thunder"-or
"a burglar on the premises "-the Underground Railway, PICKFORD'S
van, and a market-cart. Ono gentleman appeared to think it was like
a foot asleep "-for he was not quite sure in his own mind whether
that was not the thing which "solemnly shook him several times,
ending with two or three little quivers"-belonging, perhaps, to a
long bow.
My own experience of the earthquake is as follows :-About three
o'clock on the Tuesday morning, I was engaged on an essay on
Macbeth for the Magazine. I had just copied the following
quotation-
Some say the earth
Was feverish, and did shake."
As I was adding the author's name, and had got as fr as Shakes,"
when suddenly I was surprised by sleep. I woke about six, found it
very cold, and went to bed.
The weather has not changed for the better lately, in spite of
AnmIRAL FrrzaoY's return to the Board of Trade, where he is, I
suppose, in sole control over the trade winds. Rain has been falling
rather heavily lately-and there is abundance of soft water, which is
rather hard if you want a day's pleasure. To be sure, there's the
Crystal Palace-but then there is such a superfluity of ghosts there,
which is an objection to be urged against all places of amusement in
London just now. The blot in the ghost performance is that, when
once you have seen it, and learnt how it is done, there is nothing in it
to induce a second visit.
EARL RUSSELL has taken the bull by the horn, and seized on the
rams at Birkenhead. He will prove to be in the wrong boat, I pro.
phesy, after all.
What eccentric people magistrates are! There's MR. TRAILL has
sent a child to prison for borrowing an adze for a toy without leave
and now the Middlesex magistrates have been going it. They have
mado BARCLAY and PERKINs apply for a dancing licence, because they
had hops on their premises! They will be making LORD ROsERT
MONTAGU take out a music licence next, because he has an organ of
self-esteem.


--- ---


It is enough to make LORD BYRON'S own ghost rise to think that
Manfred-the drama which he congratulated himself could not be put
on the stage-should be made the vehicle for a highly-PEPPER-ed sen-
sation. This is giving the refined Manfred a "cors-air" which is
unen-GlAouR-able-and putting "can't Abydus" into the mouth of
the Bride. We shall have some enthusiastic manager, who has laid in
his stock of spirits, producing Orestes in Greek for the sake of the
three furies.
A very painful circumstance has occurred in a household of dis-
tinction. A nobleman, holding a high position near an eminent
personage, became impressed with the belief that he was a great gun,
called for his carriage, and requested to be discharged immediately.
The unhappy sufferer was at once removed to Hanwell, where, I
hear, he is slowly recovering. The physician in attendance has not
yet succeeded in persuading him that he is not a great bore.


ORATOR WARD.
ON with hat, and bonnet, and shawl,
Off we go to Exeter Hall;
Take your place, and just for a freak,
Let us hear WARD BEECHER speak.
Crammed is the Strand and Burleigh-street,
It's all we can do to keep our feet;
Such noise and crowding everywhere,
Make a hurly-Burleigh thoroughfare.
Rumours now begin to increase-
WARD BEECHER'S been taken up by police;
And so he has been, for on shoulders strong,
Over our heads he is carried along.
On to the platform then he goes-
Terrible time for tender toes-
Into the chair has the chamberlain got,
And all are voters for Scorr and lot.
Orator rises-deafening cheers;
Orator lively-taunts and jeers;
Orator earnest-loud applause;
Orator making the best of his cause:
How should we like, he asks, if Kent
Some morning in for secession went,
Shouldn't we want all Kent to whack
To get our Margate and Ramsgate back P
Into the Times he pitches it strong,
But he reads it still, though confesses it's wrong;
Into the question deep he goes,
Encouraged by "hears" with occasional "oh's ;"
Then a vote of thanks, and the meeting's o'er,
Struggle repented to get through the door;
Hats are waved, and hands applaud,
And that's all the result of "Orator WARD."


A LIVELY IDEA.
SIR,-I have just met with an announcement which absolutely
horrifies me. My pen, although of steel, trembles as I write to put
you and the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals on
the qui vive-or rather the qui vivisection. Some dreadful secret
society has for some time past-it is too evident-been torturing some
unhappy living creature which has for many weeks, to judge from the
advertisement, lingered under torture. I refer to the advertisement
which has been repeated over and over again in the daily papers:-
NOT DEAD YET.-SEE THE QUIVER.
I protest, sir, in the name of humanity against the barbarous sang
froid which draws attention to the tremulous muscular action of the
victim as a proof of its continued existence.-I am, sir, your disgusted
admirer, QUIDNUNC.
*** Our correspondent may soothe his agitated feelings. The
-notice refers to a perfectly harmless story in an innocuous weekly
paper.

How TO EXTRACT STAINS.-Cut neatly round with a pair of scissors,
and when you have made a hole sufficiently large, nothing will be
found there. The simplicity of this process is as remarkable as its
rapidity. One moment it's stain in, the next moment it's stain out.
THE THREE POWERS.- s. d.









F UTT:-.


OCTOBER 31, 1863.]


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN,
No. 61.-EDWARD BAINEs, Esq., M.P.
MR. BAINES is the third of his family who deserves well of his
country. His father, his elder brother, and himself, by their energy,
honesty, and talent, exerted for the good of their fellows, have earned
the name of Blessings rather than BAINES. The father, who rose
from being a printer's lad to being M.P. for Leeds for seven years,
established the Leeds Mercury, one of the most powerful Liberal
organs in the north of England. His first son, the late Right Hon.
M. T. BAINES, was for some time Chancellor for the Duchy of
Lancaster.
The subject of our biography was born at Leeds, at the very
beginning of that nineteenth century for which he and his family
have done so much. He has therefore now turned the prime of life-
*bat, though no longer a young man, he exhibits none of the weak-
nesses of age-being one of the BAINEs that possess-an anti-dotage.
He was educated at the Protestant Dissenters' Grammar-School at
Manchester, where the.vigour of his mind was increased by judicious
lessoning. His scholarship, to be nautical-though he was never a
naughty boy-was all itaut, for he was taught all that ought to be
learned.
As a young man, he assisted his -father in the management of the
Mercury, not from mere curiosity,)but with a view to carrying on the
paper after his father. It wasabout this time that the journal began
to achieve popularity, and the.editorial "we" could say proudly, "no
one's such a pet-as-us," -a feather tin the cap of the Mercury, which
found in political discussions a capital-area for the feat of strength
which upheld the Liberal cause in the North.
Ma. BAINES, soon after attaining .his fortieth year, was appointed
president of the Yorkshire Union of Mechanics Institutes." He
has filled the office for more than twenty years very ably, and it
is partly due to-his exertions that the institutes of that part of the
country has retained their vitality, instead of becoming, as too many
have, merely mechanical institutes, for the diffusion of useless know-
ledge.
On his father's death, he assumed the proprietorship:and editorship
of the Mercury, which still leads Leeds. His" we" influence became
great, and people followed his leaders. But ere long circumstances
occurred, which compelled him to lay aside his quill and his pen-sive
occupation, to join in the active struggles of Parliamentary lifb, as
the representative of the borough for which his father and brother
had successively and successfully sat in the Commons.
In 1859 his brother died, and Leeds at once called on him to fill his
place. Although by no means a young man, he did not decline, but
stirred his aged banes," as the Scotch poet says, and stood for the
borough. He was duly elected, and has sat for it ever since-a fact
which leads one to think well of his constituents.
In 1861 he attempted to introduce a measure of reform, which had
many good points to recommend it, but of course failed to get a fair
hearing from a House which was especially elected for the purpose of
reforming the representation.
MR. BAINEs is the leader and spokesman of the dissenting party in
the house, and naturally feels strongly on the church-rate question.
He supports that very equitable remedy for the imposition "the
voluntary system "-as well as a system of "voluntary and religions"
education.
In general politics he.is in favour of the ballot, and a considerable
reduction of the franchise.
Although not a powerful speaker, he is listened to in the House
with great attention-a courtesy, however, which may be less owing
to the good taste of the members than to the fact that he is not a
frequent and troublesome talker-and when he does get up on his legs
has something to say to the point.
He has written several works of considerable merit. Chief among
these is a life of his father-after whom, by the way, he is called
EDWARD BAINES. He also published "A Visit to the Vaudois of Pied-
mont," which is an interesting history of that peculiar people.
Although not given to writing stuff, he has written about it. His
"History of the Cotton Manufacture is calicolated to win him the
title of the LIN(en)GARD of the subject. He has also gathered some
woollen statistics, which he has woven into a volume entitled the
"Woollen Manufacture of England "-holding views on the subject
debated, which many would woollenly have worsted had they been
able. These contributions to the text of the history of textiles may be
considered valuable heirlooms. For their author we've woven these
few biographical threads together, without any desire to spin them out
unduly. We simply desire to frame him as a staunch Liberal, a bene-
factor of his fellows, and in his position as M.P. for an important
borough, one of the Lced(s)ing men of the time.


ON THE AMERICAN WAR.
A Classical Leader, gratefully and *.if t I..l. ie(icratd to the
immortal LEMPRIERE, by a contributor to the Daily Telegraplh.
THE protracted struggle which has decimated the unfortunate
inhabitants of the major part of a considerable portion of an enormous
continent; a struggle which, as far as regards local extent, and other
particulars too numerous to mention, has infinitely outstripped tho
memorable siege of Antium by MARIus, during the civil wars, will at
once recal to our readers' remembrance the stirring prophecy of
XaEXEs, the son of DARIUS HSTASPIS :-
"Diddito tol lol lol poluph losboio thalasses,
Ille macfarren erat quia non swimaway potuoriunt!"
And it is no less remarkable that when PnRSIDENT LINCOLN issued
his famous emancipation edict, the hearts of every coal-black Lais,
Thais, and Leontium bounded with ineffablo gratitude to one who
might, without exaggeration, be termed the Author of their Being."
If the frankincense and myrrh of Saba, the capital of Saboi, in
Arabia Felix, had been attainable, it would have been offered at the
shrine of that unfortunate and mistaken man; and it is not too much
to say that had LAMPEDO, the wife of ARCHIDAMUS I1., King of Sparta,
a lady, who was so far from being a republican, that she was, or her
own choice, and at one time, the daughter, wife, sister, and father of
a king, been residing at that moment in a Washington back street, a
card for the next ball at the White House (worded so ungrammatically
that it would have caused poor old VALERIUs IhARIocUATIIlM, the
grammarian of Alexandria, to shudder in his tomb), would have been
placed at that lady's disposal.
But, dismissing theory for the nonce, let us endeavour to picture to
ourselves the probable end of this fratricidal struggle. Every school-
boy knows the fate of Sardes, the ancient capital of the kingdom of
Lydia; how, on the overthrow of the dynasty of Cnarsus (a good
and amiable man), it became the principal residence of the!Persian
SATRAP; how, after being attacked by Ionians and Athenians, it was,
in the first place, levelled to the ground, and eventually shared the
fate of the rest of Asia Minor. Then lot our readers draw for them-
selves the conclusion to which ',his comparison inevitably points. It
is not for us to interpret the intentions of so unfathomable a man as
the Northern President, but we think that it will be easily conceded
that British society will benefit but little by the comparative immunity
which has hitherto attended the execrable BUT'rIa. Bo this as it
may, it is certain that the Pirmus of Athens, the nmakra teiche, or long
walls, of which were destroyed at the reduction of Attica by PHIIano-
BAZUS, and subsequently by SYLLA, would have remained intact, had
it not been for desolating twar.
The reader will naturally ask, When will all this end P Not at
the overthrow of the North, for the North will never be overthrown ;
not at the reduction of the South, for the South will never be reduced.
Where, then ? Alas! who can say?
**# The Author regrets that lhe has not had an opportunity of
bringing in an allusion to the Rhadamanthino Three. On a future
occasion this omission will be supplied.-ED.


T THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT."
THE HON. H. WINTER DAVIs, of Baltimore, has been going it." At
a mass meeting in Philadelphia (what a lot of "brotherly love" there
is among these "war Christians ") ho uttered the following rlodo-
montado :-" There will be a long account to settle with two great
nations of Europe. The sin of the Alabama and the invasion of
Mexico have awakened this country. NAPOLEON will be expelled from
this country, and the Bahamas will not be allowed to remain a nest of
pirates." Finally, he assured his fellow-lunatics that ht should glory
in the day when "black regiments should march to the halls of the
Montezumas, where the men of New York and Pennsylvania marched
in days gone by; and if ADMIRAL DUPONT should live, he (DAvls)
hoped yet to see his bombshells bursting over the dome of St. Paul's,
and the ruins of London Bridge tumbling into the stream below I" If
he ever does see the sight, we imagine it will be from Bedlam-for
that is clearly where he wants to go. At any rate, if such is to be
the end of London Bridge, there will be a worse set of savages to sit
upon its ruins (under ADMIRAL DUPONT and Mn. DAVIS) than MACAULA. v
ever contemplated. It is a pity that the Americans' heads are not
as full as their hands are just now, for it is positively painful to read
such whooping idiocy as these stump-orators of theirs tickle the long
ears of their audiences withal.

A COOK'S CONUNDRUM.--S(e)kewer'd at Stationers' llall.-When is
credit like a chicken ?-When it's trussed.






















































SO YO--0_UT, TOO !

Old Lady with Daughters:-"DEAR, DEAR, WHAT A SHAME; THE POOR LITTLE FELLOW MIGHT BE RUN OVER. WHY, WHOSE BABY IS IT "
Juvenile:-" WELL, I NEVER! WHY, MINE TO BE SURE!"


PAUVRE CHAIR AMI!
WE have frequently seen "stout houses advertised, but we have
boon startled by finding that there are such things as invalid chairs.
Poor things! we should have thought they must be far from wheel!"
as the Scotch say. They appear to be peculiar creatures.
TIREE INVALID WHEEL CHAIRS Cheap, one with head, mahogany glass
front. Greengrocer, near Green Man Gate, Old Kent-road. Ma-
hogany caned merlin, double wheel to wheel themselves, good.
We sincerely hope some green individuals will place themselves in
communication with the greengrocer near Green Man Gate, and try
and arrange for the admission of the poor invalids into some hospital.
We are much touched by the description of the "one with head,
mahogany glass front," by which we understand the poor thing has
panes in'its head, and exclaims, my hagony! in stifled tones. As
this is the only one mentioned as with a head, we suppose the other
two have lost their heads, which explains the somewhat incoherent
remark, "Mahogany caned merlin, double wheel to wheel themselves,
good." Good! we wish we could echo the thought, and say, Han-
well and good. Poor things! poor things !


LONDON WEATHER.
(By a Cabman who "knows all about it.")
MONDAY.-Driving reins. Thursday.-Faro unsettled.
Tuesday.-Fare all day. Friday.-Over-charged.
Wednesday.-Very fresh. Saturday.-Light, fine.

A "DEAD Loss" TO ENGLAND.-LYNDHURST.


DIFFICULT TO FIND.
WE hear much of the superiority of foreign cooks in comparison to
the English professors of the culinary science; but there is one dish
that hitherto no foreigner has been found equal to preparing; and we
beg especially to call the attention of Americans and others to this
fact, viz.:-that the nation is yet to be discovered who is able to
cook-the English goose.


WE ALL CLING TO LIFE.
THOUGH this world is a "vale of tears"
To those who have to pass through it,
We all, it most clearly appears,
Feel loath to say "vale" to it!

THE MOST Shock-ING THING OUT.-The earthquake.

The FOURTH Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with Numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, gilt, price
4s. 6d., post free 5s., is now ready.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the FOURTH Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price ld.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
The whole of the Back Numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
on sale.


Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 31, 1863.


~-2,








NOVEMBER 7, '1863.]


]ITIJN1'.


-Is


THE OVERTHROW OF GRABBER.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.
BOOK VII.-(Continued.)-RoGER SYKES AND JOHN GRABBER.
BY VICTOR HUGo. Author of "The Miserables, etc., etc.

VIII.-ELOQUENCE OF THE PRISON.
THERE is in the life of every man, a moment, terrible, supreme,
solemn, decisive; when all his resources seem to fail him-when he
loses faith, even in himself-ani gazes upon the cloudy horizon of the
Future with a stare, blank, bewildered, sad.
For NAPOLEON, this moment was that in which he saw Moscow
burning; for SYKES, the instant when the heavy hand of GRABBER
was laid upon his shoulder.
A nature of inferior quality never recovers from such a shock; it is
final and fatal; but the mind of more vigorous stamp, after a moment
of stupefaction, of terror, of dismay, rises again to the height of the
occasion.
The nature of SYKEs-we believe to have sufficiently indicated it
already-was of this latter class.
"Hands off! he cried; and, with a vigorous push, repulsed the
functionary. The negro-tender and docile child of a tropical clime-
hesitated between a desire to fly, and a tendency to sing a little
psalm. His natural irresolution prevented him from doing either.
"In the name of the Lor !" repeated GRABBER.
"The Lor ? SYKES replied, with all the sombre eloquence of the
gaol, and all the air and bitterness of the slang. The Lor ? The
Lor be blowed! What has the Lor ever done for me, INSPECTOR
GRABBER ? When I were a kid-which it are now many years ago-
what precious care did the Lor ever take of young SYKES? My
father, he were a cracksman; my mother, she were tight whenever the
browns would run to it. I growed up, I tell you, like a little bit o'
dirt; and, I worn't much better, not to speak of. When I prigged a


fogle, in come the Lor, as ses as I was a hardened young willon. Well,
perhaps I were. A cove hardens worry soon when lie's loft out on the
London pavement. Well, they sends me to the gaol, and a lot of good
that done me! I knowed a tidy lot o' rigs aforo I wont in, but I
knowed a goodish deal more aforo I come out. Well, I takes to the
only trade as was open. I don't see as I'm so much worse, arlor all,
nor many wet drives their shayses, and drinks their shorry wino. I
don't grumble, not at you, INSPECTOR GRABBERL. You're a hard man,
and a stern one to the likes of me; but you does your duty, and you
does it well. Perhaps I does all I can, all as ever anybody taught me.
A mighty chance 've had All the shopkeepers as wanted a 'andy
lad was jolly sure to come down into our Whitoclapel slums to look
for one. The Lor ? Let the Lor leave me alono-lot the Lor got out
of my way-let the Lor go down where it's wanted, and keep kids
from being dragged up bad, and keep fathers and mothers from going
on the drink; and when so be as the Lor has done them things,
maybe the law won't have quite so much trouble with men like IooRit
SYKES. Which I will conclude of these remarks by the observation,
as I have got a revolver, which 'ere it is, and if you let me go quietly,
quietly I'll let you go; and if you don't, there'll worry shortly be a
claim made upon the Clapham Bewrial Fund by the widder of a
inderwiddle as poked his nose into matters what didn't concern him,
in a free and foreign land, which his rank it was inspector, and GRABBER
were his name."

IX.-PINLOSOPHY IN A PARENTHESIS.
FAULTS of phraseology excepted, behold in this sombre and tene-
brous harangue the philosophy of the Dangerous Classes.
The Dangerous Classes, their origin, if you please ?
They were the Neglected classes, first of all.
Hurrah for the gaol and gibbet !

X.-THE HERO OF TIE CENTRE-BIT; THE MARTYR OF TIE TRTNCIIEON.
GRABBER did not move a step. The revolver was levelled at his
head; the angry voice of the burglar was loud in his ears; lie could


VOL. V. I


71


~_~_~
__









72 FU N.


[NOVEMBER 7, 1863.


almost feel the hot breath of SYKEs upon his cheek; he did not move
a step.
Order-anarchy; both have their valours, their devotions. In
SIKES, thle hero of the centre-bit; in GRABBER, need being, the
martyr of the truncheon.
At last, he spoke. The voice of the criminal had been troubled,
angry, quivering with passion; short, sharp, direct, incisive, clear as
the ring of a bell, firm as a rock, was the voice of the inspector.
As lie stood before SYKES, in front of the revolver, which, at any
moment, the angry criminal might discharge, he was as calm as when
kissing the book in the witness-box at the New Gate.
His words were official as the decrees of society. He said:-
From information which I received, I proceeded to this neigh-
bourhood. I have no arms, excepting of my official staff, which I
now produce. SYKES, you are well-known to the police, and have
frequently been brought before the bench; what bringing up you got
or didn't get, is neither here nor there: but a bad one you are, and
Shave ever been. Shoot if you like. You will kill me. Very good.
You will also rouse the street. You will be captured. Yon will be
taken thence to the place from whence you came, and you will be
hung by the neck until you are dead, dead, dead, dead "
Iteration, characteristic, sad, and funereal, of the English code.
Up to this moment, the functionary alone had spoken; in the next
Swords it was not the inspector but the husband that pierced :--
And you robbed my wife, and you drove her into fits, and if I get
through this night all safe, and you don't swing for anything else, by
jingo, you shall swing for that! "
It ain't a hanging matter," said the criminal, already perplexed
and irresulute. Are you going away, or are you not ? "
The answer was but a repetition of the first startling summons:
SYKEs, you're wanted In the name of the Lor !"
But at that instant even the burglar sprang suddenly forwards;
and, at the cost of a blow upon the head, kicked GRABBER so terribly
that he fell.
When this is done by a criminal, it is an assault, andabrutdl.
Sometimes it is done by a people.
Then it becomes noble; and its name-a French RevOlntion !

XI.-SILENCE.
Nor a movement; not a gesture; not a sound.
One would have said, a dumb man-or a dead.
'ho Law, Society, Order; lie who impersonified all these, lay help-
lessly upon the ground, a prisoner.
Iis captors ?
SVKrs and SAuuo-it is to say, Crime and Slavery.
A frightful revulsion; yet not without its moral.

XII.-SPEECH ; AND EXPECTATION.
SONLY three minutes passed thus.
GRABBnE spoke.
SIKES, an old hand like you might have tried an easier game."
The burglar, who knew the habitual taciturnity of his foe, was
astonished at these words, but still more so at these others.
Did you never hear of squaring the police ?"
For a second, S KEs believed to have the vertigo-to be lunatic.
GiAIunIu faithless to his duty ? His brain seemed to reel at the idea.
He felt as tlhouh lie had been drinking too heavily of the porter-beer.
So convinced had lie been of GRABBER'S stern integrity, that the idea
Sof bribing him had never even crossed his mind. He gave the negro
a slight kick. This exercise of authority refreshed him. His intellect
anain became clear, lucid, limpid, terrible as a poisoned well. The
moaning of GRABnER was intelligible enough.
Well, inspector," said SYKES, it's not for me to go to deny as I
have cheered o' such, and done it, too, afore now; but I never thought
as how you was one of them wot could be bought off. I only wish I
had !"
Sad and melancholy reminiscences of many a burglary frustrated
by the inspector tinged the voice of SYKES with a certain pensive sad-
ness as lie said the words. If he had only known in time that GRAB-
DER was corrupt! Ho pursued:-
I allus fancied as there was here and there one as never could be
squared, and fast and foremost in that rummy lot I put a big cross
agin thli name of G.\BE nnE "

"Error," said GanaBBE, with cynicism concentrated, net.
"Error. Everyone can be purchased. Am I worth your buying ?
Question the first. Can you ard to buy me ? Question the second.
lleply"'
"Which worth it well You are," rejoined the burglar; and as for
affording it, I've been making up a pus for my declining years, and if


half of it you'd only take, and work mutual when we're back in dear
old England once agin, old SYKES 'll bless the night as he met you in
New York city."
Give me five minutes to reflect," answered GRABBER.
lie still lay motionless upon the ground. No attempt to rise, to
escape. Besides, the revolver of SYKES, who, even yet, could scarcely
believe his ears, still covered him; and the negro, who had recovered
his animation as soon as the fight was over, was at hand.
Five minutes! They pass very slowly with the ardent love/' who
awaits the happy bridal day; and slowly, very slowly, with the mother
who watches-spirit of tenderness and love!-by the side of a dying
son; and slowly, very slowly, did they pass in that street, lonely,
deserted, yet so full of life, of passion, of action!
Two o'clock had chimed from the neighboring church, whose
steeple stood out hard and white to the fall of the moon, which had
struggled through the crepusculary fog.
"Have you made up yer mind?" asked SYKES, at length, impa.
tiented.
"There are still two minutes left," said the inspector, caluily.
Not a movement, not a gesture, not a sound. SYKES could hear the
ticking of the inspector's watch. For hifiself, he counted, hurriedly.
A strange mistrust seemed to haunt him.
"Now, then," at last he cried. "The time's up. Have you
settled ? "
YE! answered GRaBBER, sonorously, proudly. He was still
motionless.
"And as how?"
"Never to join you-never to leave y6tiu-to follow you like a hound
to catch you-to-night, if I can-if not, to-morrow-if not then, the
day after-to drag you down-to stand in the front of the Old Bailey,
and to watch you swing !"
Throwing caution to the winds, the burglar roared, Then why did
you patter about squaring it ?"
GRABBER suddenly sprang to his feet, arid seied SYKES by the
collar.
Why ? why P Yu ask? To GAlN it it is fif e' ininutes past
two. The ptirol is at hand! In the name of the Lor'"
And, veritably, at biit moment, even, the measured tramp of the
police was heard!
These things pass swiftly. A hurried fight-and then GRABBER
was again upon the ground, and one barrel of the revolver was
empty !
Dead ? We shall see in the sequel of this sombre, but veridical,
romance.

XIII.-FLIoHT AND PURsuir.
BEFORE the foremost man of the patrol had reached the body of
GRABBER, SYKES and the negro had already turned the corner of the
street.
Fully and clearly to explain what followed would need the aid of an
elaborate map of New York; and the expense of preparing it has
seemed to the publisher greater than the result would be worth. He
who writes these lines is of a different opinion. Pass.
Doubling and turning like hunted hares, the fugitives went from
place to place, from street to street. Always the measured tramp of
the police sounded in their ears.
SYKES was comparatively a stranger, but he had not wasted his
opportunities of observation; and he had, besides, at this decisive
moment, that inspiration of escape which is only incredible to the un-
thinking. Negroes, also, are exceedingly good in anything which
requires running away !
An hour, at least, had passed, and they were still safe, but growing
exhausted by the rapidity of their flight. They paused for a moment.
"Once, when I was in England," said SYKES, his patriotic nature
recurring, in the hour of his danger, to the scenes of his youth, and
when I was wanted for robbery with violence, I managed to get over
a wall, in at a window, and hide myself in a church; but I don't see
as that 'ere course is practicable here !"
He reflected; savagely, swiftly, like a tiger of Bengal!
Of a sudden, an idea-instantal.cous, startling as the lightning-
crossed his brain. He flew to an iron grating, and in a moment was
trying his false keys. The negro thought him mad. He was, never-
theless, very sane.
A key was found that fitted. The grating was opened.
The negro looked down in terror. The blackness of the pit-nothing
more!
SYKES chuckled; he was not addicted to merriment, and this was
the first time that he had laughed that night; nevertheless, he
chuckled.
"It's all as right as ninepence said the crafty criminal. "Well, of
all the rummy goes as ever I've had, and they ain't a few, mind you,


____ ~








FUTT N.


SAMBO, I'll be bail as this here is out and away the trummiest Why,
GRABBER hisself-which whether he's dead or alive I know not, but
will hope the best and former-GRABBER hisself, knowing as he is, 'll
never think of looking for us here. Bless you, it's as safe as houses!
There never weas such a lark! Down you go, my drooping snowdrop,
down you go, my infant wiolet, and I'll fasten all up, and foller!"
The perceptive faculties of the negro race are slow. SAMBO stared
at his master in utter bewilderment.
"Me goidqwn, massa P Where me go, massa "
Where? you asinine-headed old hundredweight of coals! Where ?
DOWN TILEI MAIN DRAINAGE, AS IS INCOMPLETE, BUT SPACIOUS!"


MEDITATIONS OF THE IONTH,
NOVEMBER FOGS.
BRIGHT summer days have passed,
Gloomy winter's coming fast,
Thick November mists your breathing seem to clog
Though 'tis noon the sun seems napping,
In dense mist his head night-capping,
And himself and all things wrapping
In a fog!
Out of door all's sloppy, muddy,
So I'll sit in my own study,
Pile up coals, or, better still, the blazing log
Draw the blinds, light up the tapers,
And thus keeping out the vapours,
Sit all snug and read the papers
In the fog!
Here's the Sehleswig-Holstein squabble
Gets the Germans in a hobble,
While the Diet talks of going the whole hog--
What with Fed'ral execution,"
And the Schleswig constitution,
Worse confounded's made confusion -
All a fog!
Next we read of H. WARD BEEOH.EB,
Who aspires to be our teacher
As to freedom Do we need the pedagogue?
In such lessons we're all well up,
He his phrases big may swell up,
But the facts 'twill but envelop
In a fog!
There's the war in Poland raging,
All our sympathies engaging,
To aid the race oppressed we're all agog;
But for "joint action" waiting-
Notes-sending-hesitating-
Diplomacy's debating
In a fog!
These letters that EARL RUSSELL
Now prints ir -i;ch a bustle-
'Bout HUDSON forced from Italy to jog-
They seem (we'd speak no treason)
All devoid of rhyme or reason,
But,"as well befits the season,
It's a fog.
Those steam-rams in the Mersey,
Are we right, or vice versa,
To class them in unlawful catalogue.
If our trade in ships war stifles,
How is't powder, shells, and rifles
We may sell, and such like trifles ?
All a fog!
Where'er our eyes may roam
For news abroad-at home
We mentally seem fast stuck in a bog.
New Zealand-Bethnal-green-
Greece-Strutton-ground-I ween
On all sides nought is seen
But a fog!
So we'll lay the paper by,
A better plan we'll try,
We'll light up a cigar and mix our grog.
All gloomy thoughts we'll shun,
And now-when that is done-
Sit down and write to FUN
Of the fog!


NOVEMBER 7,. 1863.]


S1 reading man was dis-
Scovered, the other morning,
by his soout, completely
buried in his books.
LonDS'.-A well-known cricketer lately favoured hi eleven with a
magnificent catch. They reciprocated the kindness by indulging in a
great glee.
THE REVIVAL IN HERNE BAY.-A dissipated fisherman, who nad
deserted his only wife, has not only mended his ways, but has likewise
repaired home.
SINGULARL MEAAL.-An elderly gentleman was recently detected in
the act of whetting his appetite on a patent hone.
THE Ar.i.-A recruiting sergeant was accused last week of beirc
drunk on duty. The worthy follow proved his ability to dilchnarge
his duty by immediately enlisting the sympathies of all the bly-
standers.
SELF-ASSERTION.-A young man was lately overheard dlilating on
his aristocratic connexions. He succeeded in convincing his hearers
that he was a very great swell.
LIGHTLY COMaE, LIGHTLY Go.-DEERFOOT is said to be running
through his property.
TIE TEETOTAL MOVEMENT.-A temporanco oralor lately found the
klea, on which he was about to lecture, running away front hlimn.
Unfortunately he was so drunk that ho was unable to pursue his
theme.
DISGRACEFUL CONDUCT OF A GENTLEMAN.."-Yesterdny a person,
who styles himself a gentleman, approached a young lady, and took
the initiative. What the poor girl will do without it, we cannot
conjecture.
THE COURT.-The day before yesterday a gentleman, who discharges
the duties of a highly responsible position at Court, when in the act
of backing from the Royal presence, retired upon a competence. A
handsome apology was tendered, and, we are happy to Pny, accepted.
DEPRAVED TASTE.-The small gentleman who indulged so freely in
biting sarcasm has taken to swallowing affronts.
ACCIDENTAL DROWNING.-On Tuesday last a gentleman's henrt Pnnk
within him. Although he is extremely shallow, and was, moreover,
at low water at the time, it had not been recovered up to the hour of
going to press.
MORE SaASHING.-A plausible fellow was detected, the other day,
in the act of endeavouring to pass encomiums.
CULINARY.-On Monday week, as a gentleman's cook was engaged
in the act of squeezing lemons for a cheesecake, she expressed a
grave conviction. It has been stuffed and sent to the Britsh Museum.


THE COMING FIGHT.
WHEN HEENAN and KING shall meet in the ring,
The sight should much pleasure afford;
Two nations which now seem close on a "row,"
Will then, of course, be in a-c-cord !


HORRIBLE PROSPECT TOR THE PFOPr oF ENGLAND.-Tkere are
one hundred and sixteen new applicants as attorneys, and twenty-
one for re-admission to practice, this Michaelmas term. And yet this
land is called happy" England. Shameful mockery!


t'I


GOSSIP OF THE WEEK.

ALSE DIGNITr.-A nol-h1-
man, residing in lelgrut c.
square, writes to us, con -
plainitig that the lcinl dust-
man absolutely refuses to
cart away the sweepiiins (i
the house unless the ntbir
writer himself cones down
with the dust.
SPORTING INTl.I.IGENCT.
-We regret to say thai on
Ilio morning of tln' recent
Cambridgeshire, a hlcio
(which, however, was not
quoted in betting) was
found to be suffering from
a severe local irritatitin.
'to was almost properly
scratohed on the spot.
FRIGIItrrFU AcciDENT IT
A ]HOOKWORM.--A, O()xf,,l


I








~ -- F TTsFN .


[NOVEMBER 7, 1863.


DOMlVESTIOC
S ronl-miinde Wife I'. *'i'. -"WrH, M DEAR, TOU ARE GOING OUT WITH NO BUTTON ON YOUR SHIRT again! REALLY, YOU CAN HAVE
NO CONSIDERATION FOR "..' b ir.:. tL YOU WERE 1run ver; WHAT WOULD PEOPLE SAY OF YOUR WIFE "


Theatre, that the youthful debutant was the more elderly comedian of
AT THE PLAY. the same name who was formerly manager of the COVENT GARDEN
Is the present dearth of dramatic talent-to quote the commence- and the LYCEUM, and who, after giving his At Home, went to Paris,
meant of a sentence which has led off so many dramatic notices from and threw the Parisians into raptures by a clever performance in
the days of GAtaRCK to the timid of FEcHTEa-we are inclined to give their own language. Under this belief they gave him a reception so
a warm welcome to a young c )edian who has recently appeared at enthusiastic, that the young actor was manifestly quite unable to account
the IIAYMARUKET THEATRE nn ler the familiar name of CHARLES for it, and for some time he continued to boh to the company, with
M31ATrEws. ie is apparently still very young, of genteel slim figure, an equal show of grace and bewilderment. The rumour probably
with a pleasing voice, and exceedingly prepossessing manner. Making originated in a report, current in theatrical circles, that the object of
his debiit as an impudent intruder named Plumper, who disturbs the the elder MJ MATHEWS'S visit to Paris was the possession of the
quietuile of a respectable old gentleman named Barkins, on the plea famous Rosicrucian Elixir, known to have been secreted in the cata-
of knowing his son, whom in reality he has never seen, MB. MAT HEWS combs, after the breaking up of the mysterious cabinet of CAGLIOSTRO,
played with considerable skill a part which is from beginning to end and that the efficacy of the draught had been most triumphantly
a mere exhibition of unbounded audacity. The excessive volatility demonstrated. It is, of course, disgraceful to the boasted intellect of
which he at present displays time will probably soften down as he the nineteenth century that such an assertion should obtain credence
advances towards mature years, but it must be admitted this youthful for an instant. The older favourite of the public, who might have
actor has many accomplishments that will recommend him to the been-we do not say that he was, but that he might have been, if
public. He is not, however, without his faults. He is so rapid he liked-sixty when he went away, can hardly have come back
in his movements about the stage, that it fatigues the eye to follow him the lively comedian of apparently about five-and-twenty, who has
as much as if ho were a newspaper paragraph in small print, read by been charming the Haymarket audiences during the last week by his
a dim lamp in a vibratory railway carriage. Were his syllables less youthful vivacity and wonderful flow of animal spirit. Nevertheless,
distinctly uttered, we should also feel disposed to think his glib such is the preposterous notion that some people entertain, and which,
manner of speaking did not allow the auditor to completely catch the with singular pertinacity, they endeavour to make other people credit.
meaning of his sentences, but when he has had the practice which Physiologists have declared seven years change a man altogether;
another ten years or so of light comedy will give him,he mayprobablysee but it is difficult to comprehend how a man can free himself from the
the advantage of restraining his volubility. We might further recom- liabilities of age by this or any other statute of limitations. If the
mend his keeping his hearers in a less exuberant state of mirthful CHARLES MATHEWS of to-day be the CHARLES MATHEWS who made his
excitement, as whenever he is off the stage the reaction must inevit- first appearance at the OLYMPIC thirty years ago, he has proved him-
ably produce a feeling that other speakers are slow." In the farce self the most free and easy light comedian of the age by a statute that
called Cool as a Cucumber, which introduced him to a London audience, defies all imitations. THE ODD MAN.
he scarcely leaves the stage for a second from the rising to the falling .-
of the curtain, but in pieces less obviously constructed for the display
of this alacrity of tongue and limb, the other members of the company THE WORST INSTANCE OF SO(U)TH ERN SLAEBTY.-Playing Lord
mrst seriously suffer by contrast. A general impression prevailed in the Dundreary for eight hundred nights.









NOVEMBER 7, 1863.] IF T7 N .


THE MAJESTY OF THE LAW; OR, THE BOBBY
KING OF SCOtLAN YARD.
A DaAMAr OF REAL LIFE, IN THiEE ACrs, WITH MOST UNPLEASANT
ErsEcvs.
EFFECTS.
Dranatis Personce.-SIa RICIAND MAiNE, the Bobbg King; an Assistant
Cominsissioner; Police Inspector; Common Policemea (warranted
to swear to anything the Inspector says); Spokesman of Deputation;
Castermongers; Deputation, etc.
ACT I.
A Roomn in Scotland Yard. Enter an Assistant Commissioner, reading
a letter aloud.
And first and foremost I command that you
Do clear away the stalls in Stratton-ground.
Let none remain Make a clean sweep of all !"
All, underscored. Hem! then it's very clear
Our mighty chief means every blessed one.
It shall be done, to us his word.is law.
'i'hat though by want the coasters into crime
Are driven ? 'twill but give more work for us,
.nd make us more respected than at present.
For now the dark days of November come,
When at each corner folks dread the garotte ;
They'll seek the bobby, and they'll find him-not.
As I observed before, it shall be done. [Exit.
ACT II.
Stritton-ground, IWestminster. Costermongers at their usual avocations.
To them enter an Inspector and. ten policemen.
Inspector.-Now, then, allyou clear off; SIR RICAARD MAYNE
Hath ordered that no longer shall this ground
Be cumbered with your stalls. 'Ook it-cut-bolt.
Very Small Boy.-Please, mayn't I sell my apples ?
Inspector (korrified).- What, you dare
To bandy words with me P Away with him
To the lock-up! He has obstructed me
In the performance of my duty, and
Has knocked me down'and stamped upon ine. Oh!
[Th.roics himself on the ground, and pretends to be horribly
injured. the other policemen, enjoying the joke, dratw
their t-irincheois, and surroutd the very small boy, and
one of them observes :-
Ruffian! for this you'll get ten years at least!
[They all set upon the child, and tear his jacket of, laughing
the while, and finally drag him unresistitg away. The
costernohgers, appalled at this display of the majesty of
the law, disperse peaceably, but grumbling.
ACT III.
The Private Rooml of SIR RrCHARD MAYwn E at Scotland-yard. The
Bobby King is busily engaged unpacking a carpet-bag fll of Austrian
notions. Packets labelled Firrmness," Censorship of the Press,"
General Interference," Domiciliary Visitations," visible on the
chairs and tables. Enter a common policeman, who throws himself
fiat on the ground before Sit RICIIARD's feet,and proceeds to lick then,
as if he liked it. SIR RICtlD contemplates the performance blandly,
and at last speaks.
Sir Richard.--How now, sirrah; what would you with me ? Speak.
Messenger.-A deputatib, sir, doth wait outside,
And craves admission.
Sir R. (thinking himself a Cabinet Minister, and determining on the
strength of it to be uncivil to the deputation and not grant their
request.)-Let the beggars in.
(Enter a deputation of costermongers and others.)
Spoliesman.-SIam -RCHARD, we have come to beg that you'll
Rescind your order about Strutton-ground,
And let the stalls remain, for we must live
By fair means or by foul; and if you take
'Our honest means of livelihood away,
Naught then remains but crime. Grant us our prayer.
Sir R.-Insoldnt upstarts! dare you threaten me,
The head commissioner and K.O.B.,
That you'll commit some crime? Away, or else
'I'll have you all locked up for burglary,
Before the fact committed, as precaution.
As .for the stalls, they shan't be there-that's flat,
Sooner than grant your prayer I'd-(considers a moment what
will be the most severe thing to say under the circumstances, and finally


catches sight of Iis hat, and seizes it and an id2a both at oncc)-cat
my hat.
Avaunt, I say, and quit my sight, begone!
[Erit the deputation in dismay.
Thus may the majesty of England's laws
As by me represented be uphold.
What care I if I cause grief or pain,
'Tis not for nothing-I'm Slit RIllAlC MAaYNE !
[At this point the Bobby King, true to the instincts of his cloth, tai:s
himself up-short, and exit.


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN,
No. 62.-Is.Ac B Trr, Esq., I.P., Q.C., LL.D.
WE have selected our Burr this week from amongst the Iri.hl
members. He is the son of the incumbent of Stranorlar, in tie
county of Donegal. On his mother's side he is also connected with
the church in the person of Bisuor BEtmUiKLY, of Cloyne, an ancient
man of might-re. Uninfluenced, however, by his rulatioinships, le
preferred practice to preaching, and thl chance of a silk gown and
large fees to a narrow stipend with a surplice.
Ile was born in the county Donegal, in 1813-the particular looi'il, v
in which he first saw light being Glen-fin, so that it is not wounlrfliil
that he proved a queer fish.
Our young friend was placed at the Royal School at nRphoo in
other words, was made a Raphoo-roo early, lie was a pattern boy nat
school, and worthy of being handed down in fitting terms, thus:-
"Is-AAC BUTr was a good boy, and al-ways learn-ed his Ile-sons well ;
and so he grew-up to be all Bu'' a great mailn." e would, plrhalps,
have gained brighter fame if he lind remained the hero of only this
"one silly-ble story."
When he left school-or, in classical terms, when he "e-Rapho.tI
evcsit"-he was transferred to Trinity College, Dublin. Theoro lie
distinguished himself by his (s)collaring of a scholarship to begin
with, in the year 1833. He was a hard reader, in fact, a genuine
Irish stew-dent, instead of an Irish stow-pid-which last is too often
the case with broths of boys. There is no pol at Dublin, we believe;
but, perhaps, there is a pan-in which case, Burr managed to eschew
pan, by taking honours in both classics and mathematics.
In 1835 our hero took a degree by the latitude allowed to Dublin,
although it is west of Greenwich. The following year lie was uelcted
Whately professor of political economy-a post for whicl lie appears
to be Well fitted-economy being here used in the technical sCnseI. We
have heard, indeed, that one of the students who attended hlis Ictures
went away with the notion that political economy was dclised as
going to the House of Commons in a cab, and forgetting to pay the
fare; but this can hardly be a fair report, we should think.
In 1838 he was called to the Irish bar, and for once lie appears not
to have disregarded the summons. Sixty years nfterwards a rapid pro-
motion-it could hardly have been a prompter-gave himi his ('e-C.
In spite of his silk, he was induced to talk stuf' on behalf of SNIIli
O'BRIEx, and the other patriots, who camo to tihe BUIt-end of Ihlirl
armed conspiracy in 1848. It will be remembered that S srrii
O'BRIEN, not contented with butting at the jury, ran a muck at then,
and charged them in an unusual manner-in short, called for pistols,
the butts of which, if we remember rightly, protruded f'rom his pocket.
In 1850 Mu. Burr first showed a desire to enter Parliament, and tixe I
upon Mayo; though, as IIHOACE says, at non reditt,"-Bu'('r) is not
returned. Two years after lie obtained a seat fur Ilarwich, but theli
was something about that (h)air which did not ngree with hlii, fo)r
he was soon transferred to Youghal-which borough leo still represent-c s.
As a speaker, Mi. BUTT is rather successful; though, as a rule,
he speaks comparatively-Burr-or. He is somewhat of a special
pleader, and has been accused of retaining the fee-bleness peculiar to
that class. Yet he is rather prone to take up the causes of India'd
individuals with a great deal of interest, which could hardly co-cxist
with want of principle.
His politics are progressive. That is to say, lie was a Carlton
candidate, and has turned Liberal and Palinerstonian, though he still
clings to protection orders for agriculture, shipping, and all other
branches of British industry. Under the circumstances, thii is not
to be wondered at. ioe appears to have gained great credit aiong
his constituents, if not elsewhere, and is very popular with them -
though, perhaps, not with cabmen-for his political career.
It may, therefore, perhaps, be asked why wo have selected for our
statesman a gentleman who, if he has earned notoriety, can hardly
be said to have done so by state-craft or legal emninionce? We
answer, gentle readers, that we chose him because lie is the elected of
the most extensive and intellectual constituency in the world-for he
represents You-all!


_I









IFU T.


[NOVEMBER 7, 186.


him, proceed to investigate the details of every remarkable county.
THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIIST. nance he meets in the course of his walks, soothing the natural irrita-
CHAPTER I. tion which such a proceeding is calculated to arouse in the bosom of
EC. .-OF R TOS W the investigate, either by the apology of politeness, coupled with the
S I.-OF THE REASONS THAT OTE TO P THIS W sixpence of compensation, on the one hand; or the "go to the devil"


of impertinence, accompanied by the kick of physical superiority, on
the other, according to the social position and muscular development
of the person so investigated.


"'Ia,' quoth Panurge."-Rabdeais.
SE feel convinced that the con
', scientious reader of FUN wil
never so far forget himself as to
demand of us our reasons for
setting before him a treatise on
a / Physiognomy. Satisfied that the
SKing (of Comic Papers) can do
no wrong, he will thankfully de-
vour the intellectual cookery we
set before him without presuming
to enter into the question whether
he has an appetite or not. This
being so, we decline to volunteer
`s'c any statement of the motives
that have induced us to turn all
our subscribers into talented analytical physiognomists. It sufficeth
to say that we have our reasons.
SEC. II.-DEFINITION OP PHYSIOGNOMY.
CLOWN. He's making faces at me."-Christmas Pantomime.
PHYSIOGNOMY is defined by LAVATER to be the art of discovering
the interior of man by his exterior signs." Example.-A gentleman
breathes heavily in his sleep: Physiognomical deduction-in his
interior is pork.
Exception.-This definition should be acted upon with circumspec-
tion, notwithstanding tho weight of its authority, as it is not universally
applicable. Example.-Take the case of the Green Man" on Putney
Common ; a passer-by would form but an imperfect idea of the accom-
modation within, if, following LAVATEI'S definition, he based his con-
clusion on the painting of the exterior sign, which is but a daub.
The word physiognomy is derived from two Greek words-
phusis fuseess), and gnomon (a gnome or goblin), and may be said to
be the fisee (or torch) by the light of which people of a diabolical
disposition may be easily detected and exposed.
SEC. III.-OF THE QUALIFICATIONS OF A PHYSIOGNOMIST.
" My own lovely TnoMAs l"-Introductory words of unpublished MS. in Editor's
possession.
LAVATER, discoursing on the qualifications necessary to anyone who
pretends to the character of an acute physiognomist, says that it is
indispensable that a successful professor of the art should possess a
good figure; adding that the moral and intellectual powers essential
to the study are so refined, that the possession of them would of
itself tend to make tho professor a model of manly beauty. Before
we set forth our own qualifications to the title of a physiognomist,
we must be allowed to say a few words on the subject of modesty.
Modesty is a quality for which the great and good have ever been
remarkable; it is also a quality that highly adorns a woman-but
this is irrelevant. It is a logical sequitur that, as greatness and
goodness are combined in our person in an unprecedented degree,
modesty must necessarily be found there also. That being placed
beyond a doubt, we have no hesitation in assuring our readers that
they may place the fullest confidence in everything we have to say on
the subject of physiognomy, for we are very beautiful.
SEc. IV.-OF TIE SPIRIT IN WHICH THE STUDY SHOULD BE
PROSECUTED.
The worthy magistrate then bound over the witnesses to appear at the prose-
cution."--Police Reports.
THE most distinguished professor of the art of physiognomy is
PROFESSOR FUN. After him como PORTA, PEUSCHAL, ARISTOTLE,
PLINY, SVETONIUS, POLEMON, SCIPIO, CLARAMONTIUS (of Esher), and
LAVATER. Of these latter, LAVATER was the most remarkable; and
although the student may be anything but a LAVATER when he com-
mences the study of this intellectual treatise, yet this intellectual
treat is so complete that he may, like a stranded vessel, feel ashored
that the result will be that he will find himself equal to many a laugh
carter. We would recommend him to divest himself, not only of all
his pre-conceived ideas on the subject, but also of his coat and waist-
coat, and roll up, not only the mental scrolls on which those ideas are
inscribed, but likewise his shirt-sleeves. He will then be prepared to
look upon this work as a species of physiognomical LAVATER-y, in
which all his old notions on the subject will be completely washed
away. He should stick the long-four of research into the candlestick
of determination, and fortifying himself with the umbrella of indiffer-
once as a protection against the showers of abuse that may assail


78


"SLOWLY STARVED TO DEATH."
"Died of a broken heart and want of nourishment."-Verdict of Coroner's Jury
on CAROLInE JAMEs, October 26, 1863.
DYING in a hovel, down in Bethnal-green,
Lay a wife and mother-'twas a fearful scene!-
Dying from starvation; round her truckle bed
Famished children gathered, crying, Give us bread!"
She had none to give them, and there rose a sigh
From that wretched hovel to the throne on high;
And she faintly murmured, with her latest breath,
"I die broken-hearted; slowly starved to death!"
E'en the wretched pittance-paltry parish dole-
(But, at best, sufficient to retain the soul,
(Battling in her dwelling for the very life),
Hard-hearted officials had refused the dying wife.
"That was not her parish !" they had nought to give,
They would lift no finger e'en to bid her live.
So she languished, crying with her latest breath,
I die broken-hearted; slowly starved to death!"
'Tis no poet's fancy, drawn from fever'd brain,
For the parish records show the shameful stain,
That in London's city, where the yellow gold
Lies in rich men's coffers, pile on pile untold,
In a wretched hovel, on a truckle bed,
Lay a wife and mother, starved for want of bread,
And that she expiring, cried with her last breath,
I die broken-hearted, slowly starved to death "
Praise the stern official, who, to save your purse,
Ratepayers of Bethnal, hastened on the hearse
Which conveyed the pauper to her last abode;
But at their last meeting, at the bar of GOD,
The recording angel, who wrote down the sigh
Of that wretched sufferer, as she turned to die,
Shall present the protest of her latest breath-
"I die broken-hearted; slowly starved to death!"


BOAID-ERING ON IDIOCY.
THE Board of Guardians at Bethnal-green is becoming idiotic.
When public attention is so fully directed to it, instead of sitting quiet
and trying to look wise-when it might pass muster-it is doing all it
can to prove how utterly incapable it is. With the vindictiveness to
be expected of such a body of malevolent old women, the guardians
have brought the most cruel and unfounded charges against the
medical man who has exerted himself to the utmost to save them
from the crime of murder. They assert that there is no such thing as
blood-poisoning in the parish-and yet, at the same time, they pub-
licly display the bad blood that exists among them against the doctor.
Let us hope that the Poor Law Board will compel the Dogberries to
alter the absurd rules they have made-rules which would fain make
maternity keep office-hours like government clerks, and which refuse
to recognize disease after the fashionable calling-time is over.


)I


I


--I


I
I __~


.








NOVEM4BERI 1863.]


E TUNT.


THE HUDSON-RUSSELL-ELLIOT CORRESPON-
DENCE.
VERY incorrect and imperfect accounts of this correspondence have
appeared in the columns of our daily contemporaries. We cannot
absolutely vouch for the entire accuracy even of the following docu-
ments ; but we are inclined to believe that they are essentially
correct. At any rate, they certainly appear a little more intelligible
and a great deal more sincere than any other versions that have as
yet been made public.
(A)-EARL RUSSELL to SiR J. HUDsoN.
SIR,-As I managed some time ago to badger you into the express.
sion of something like a wish to retire from your post as Minister at
the Court of the KING OF ITALY, I embrace this opportunity of for-
warding your letter of recall, which I request you to present, if possi-
ble, to the KING in person. You have rendered very good service both
to Italy and to England; you are emphatically the right man in the
right place; and it would, therefore, be entirely inconsistent with the
hereditary traditions and the habitual practice of the political (family)
party to which I have the honour to belong, were you to be allowed
to continue at Turin. I feel certain, however, that so skilful a diplo-
matist, and so keen a student of human nature as yourself, will
thoroughly appreciate the motives which have induced me to take
this decisive step. You have earned the confidence of two nations-
you have done your duty with an amount of zeal and intelligence that
has never been surpassed; and you will accordingly have the good-
ness to acknowledge the receipt of the enclosed letter of recall by
return of post. It is not within my power to offer you any adequate
reward; but I have siricere pleasure in informing you that you will
receive a piece of ribbon as soon as you come back. The satisfaction
of having dote so much! good, and of having earned an honourable
name in history, will, I am sure, be sufficient for a generous mind like
yours ; ind if you should entertain any natural feelings of regret at
quitting a post With which you have been so long and so honourably
identified, I am quite sm'e that you will derive considerable consola-
tion from the fact that. your successor will be one of the family of
ELLIOT-a name almost as well known as that of GREY in Connexion
with the diplomatic service of this mighty country, and With, my dear
SIa JAMrs, your obedient servant, RUSSELL.

(B)-Sin JAMES HUDSON to EARL RUSSELL,.
My Loan,-I have the honour to report that this day I had an
audience of the KING, when I delivered to His MAJESTY my letter of
recall, and stated to His MAJESTy a few platitudes, of which I feel
sure that your lordship would approve. His MAJESTY having been
pleased to ask me why I quitted his court, I regret to state that, for
a moment, I forgot my position as a diplomatist, and told him the
exact truth. What that is your lordship knows as well as I.
His MAJESTY is, as your lordship is well aware, very fralk arid un-
guarded in his style of conversation, and frequently employs expres-
sionS which cannot with propriety be quoted in a diplomatic dispatch
such as that which I have now the honour to submit to your lord-
ship:
Omitting, therefore, one of the strongest oaths of which the Italian
language (ihich your lordship, I believe, does not speak) is capable,
I have simply to report that KING Vicron EfMANUEL declared that
my recall was neither more nor less than a Whigjob ; that if such an
act had been perpetrated by his own Foreign Minister, he would,
whilst deeply regretting that such a course was necessary in a free
country, have kicked that functionary out of the room; that he was
well acquainted with the name of ELLIOT in connexion with your lord-
ship's father-in-lawr Loan MINTO, whose mission to Italy a few years
ago His MAJESTY was pleated to designate as one of the biggest
ftilures on record; that he had expected better things from Loan
PAIMELSTON, upon whom he had relied to counteract the known
nepotism of your lordship; that Ma. GLADSTONE, who can speak
Itlitan and does understand the condition of the country, ought to
have known better than to have submitted to (I regret to have to
repeat the expression) "this gross Whig job; that he would endea-
vour to be civil to MR. ELLOT when he came, but that he could hardly
rely upon a relative and a nominee of your lordship for that counsel
and aid which His MAJESTY was graciously pleased to say he had
always received from myself; and, finally, that he hoped I would still
remain in Italy, as his trusted friend, although not as the representa-
tive of a government which (it is with pain that I quote His MAJESTY'S
hasty words) had treated me with scandalous injustice and ingrati-
tude.
Few things, in the course of a tolerably long and active life, have
given me greater pain than to be made the involuntary reporter of


such injudicious langnuge ; but as this is the last opporhntiit 1 sln ll
have of giving your lordship private and nutlihetic iiitllin'ialion ill those
form of a dispatch, I have not considered myself justilied in entirely
suppressing the hasty words of the KING or N.rI'I.'S.
That HER MAJESTY has expressed approval of my serviAes is sufllcient
reward for a loyal English gentleman; though 1 also apprnvilie, ranl
I believe at exactly their proper value, the friendly exlpresions ofV your
lordship.
The announcement that MR. ELLIOT is to succeed me has nol, I
must admit, taken me completely by surprise. I had, however, somo
faint notion that it might have been a GREY.
I think of remaining at Turin. The superseded official of a govern-
ment, I have still the honour to be the trusted confident of a king.
Your lordship's considerate and generous conduct deminils mni pr-
sonal acknowledgments; and will, I feel certain, be duly apprhinll ed
by the English people.-I am, etc., JAMI:s Ilil'SON.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUitS.
HE REV. VWA\ I Erllin linsbeen
talking an immensity of o InIsIwiso
S at Liverpool and Exoter lllll. I'liH
last speech would have dlispiveil
the school of sqoi.dij .t rcmiO
Writers, who single scriptiral qio-
Stttions wihi inferior copy. 11ion h
the audacity to quoto as special
providence, in belalf of lis buf-
foonery, his recovery from n slirlht
Sore throat and thi arrival of IIltlh
| ." American mail. lie was good
eningh, in the first instance, to
--- BssbMist Providenco by nmuslntrd
lasts and a woet jcllet. I only
Sish I ld add the trilnnihng of it.
loW t ny persons of avornag irt'l-
fltgef'e can be led away by stdel
low language, poor idens, and BsilW ~ Storipts at argument f his i
d'nnot understand. MRS. BStcnI'E STOWt, who has writltn ono good
book in her life, has a good deal to answer for in having allowed this
Sbrother of hers to creep into notoriety on her head. It is just like lho
transparent dodges of the Federal government, to try and persuaml us
that they have any sympathy with the negro, by sending over a rowdy
parson to talk himself black in the face.
The reports of Sin WILLIAM ARMSTRONG'S guns are so niflnvonur'blo
that the government will have to withdraw their charges against thiI
public for fear the public should refuse to withdraw theirs against them.
SIR WILLIAM has gone into comparatively private life, and rumour
says ho is likely to become a very minor canon-at present we havo
not heard of what cathedral. If our readers wish to learn t.ley Riishl
apply to the "War Christians" who applauded Mil. ]li:Eiiu at
Exeter Hall.
LORD LEITRIM has been removed from the commission of the peace,
which is an act of impartial justice that everyone approves. l'Prhaps
his lordship will be led to apologize for what was no less his fault, than
his folly. He will do well to remember that, though it's never too
late to mend, it is seldom too earl-y to apologize.
I hoar Mn. RusxiN has built himself a residence on the molmcnini
sido above Chamouni-a curious choice of locality for such a Imatm of
shams ; but then what can you expect of a man if lie begins shilly-
chalet-ing in this way? Perhaps he thinks he shall write with greater
ease among the clouds-and he certainly does vapour at times.
Nevertheless, he will be mist in artistic circles.


FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE.
From Owr Own Correspondent.
Romo, Nov., 180.
RoME, on its seven hills, is all forlorn;
Would I could add, its "Occupation's gone."


SATING nB Oia SAoG IN TlHE STrnE-'.--iommoopathists may well
boast of the cures they experifr.ce. If faith, as is said, is the chief
cause of all remedies, they nave enough of it, for thoy can believe in
HAI(H)NE-MANN.
SIoeT AND SWEET.-b-A bahy.


I


I :I


I








F UN.


THEN THEY OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES.

Edith:-" WELL, I DON'T THINK MUCH OF IT."
Clara:-" NOT THINK MUCH OF IT, DEAR ? WII, THET WEAR NOTHING ELSE IN PARIS !"


WORSE AND WORCESTER.
EARL DUDLEY took occasion to pass
some remarks on public executions while
opening the Michaelmas quarter sessions
for the county of Worcester. They are
such as ought to lead to his expulsion
from the commission of the peace.
"He considered a public execution was
nothing more than a public spectacle of a
most demoralizing tendency, and he added
an opinion that the railway companies, which
helped this abominable system for their own
profit, ought to be brought to a better sense of
the duty which they owed to the public."
Considering that the law, which his
lordship is supposed to administer,
sets up public executions as an example
and salutary moral lesson, it is plain that
the railway companies are doing no more
than their duty in bringing as many
people as possible to witness them. A
good action is its own reward, and if the
railways make a little profit out of the
crowds they convey to MR. CALCRAFT'S
government school, they surely deserve
it. Taking the law's view of the case,
we cannot help thinking that the Satur-
day half-holiday should be selected for
these elevating exhibitions in preference
to the usual Monday morning-schools
should be provided with reserved seats
on the roof of the jail, and space railed
off for the crinolined presence of the fair
sex. There is no use in stopping half-
way. If the law orders public execu-
tions for the benefit of our morals, it
is worse than absurd to try and prevent
people from going to see them, and an
obvious neglect of the benefits offered
by a Christian civilized country not to
make a point of attending ourselves and
taking our families. Let us have no
half-measures.

SAYING BY OUR SAGE IN THE STREETS.
-Any baker knows how to make wheat
to bread, but how many people are igno-
rant how to make bread to eat!


1e Comic Mistorie of Veralbrie.

3oftc PCe .1rste.
CHAPTER VI.-OF LTNES.
Tfh next members of the Heraldic family we shall present to our
readers are the lines," which, as they are not many in number, and
are easy to remember, can hardly be called hard lines. They are
used to divide the shield into two or more parts, and, like mothers-in-
law in families, effect their divisions in different ways. First of all,
there is the party per pale-which has not, as might at first sight be
supposed, any coneonex with a housemaid or a whitewasher, both of
whom are necessarily parties with pails-but is simply a straight line
drawn through the shield from top tobottom; next, party per fess, a
line across the shield; parted per bend, a diagonal line from right to
left-this name naturally reminds us of bowing to a departing
acquaintance, while the next parted per bend sinister--a diagonal line
from left to right carries with it the same idea, and also calls to mind
giving a bad sixpence to an omnibus conductor on a dark night, which
may be called parting with a bender sinister. When the field is
divided into four equal parts, it is said to be quartered, but when by
d~iaonal lines, forming a kind of St. Andrew's cross, it is said to be
parted by zaltire.
These divisions were made in order that several people's arms
might be put into the same coat-an uncomfortable arrangement
when applied to the garments of everyday life, but which in Heraldry
was common enough.
Besides these, there are eight varieties of lines, but as we have no
wish to get anybody into a line, we shall at once enumerate them.


1. The ingrailed, which consists of a series of semicircles, with the
points turned downwards, and gives us the idea of a row of college-
puddings, as purveyed at eating-houses, d la slap bang. 2. The
invected; here we have the college-puddings turned upside down.
3. The wavy; persons with very fertile imagination can fancy this
represents the waves of the sea-for our own parts, we waive the idea,
and decline such a notion. 4. The nebuly; as this word is derived
from nebula, a cloud, we suppose this line is thus called from its
resemblance to one; if so, all we can say on the subject is, that
the likeness is missed. 5. The embattled; which represents the
battlements of a castle, and was most probably borne by knights on
the days they to battle meant to go. 6. The raguly; this line looks
like the trunk of a tree with the branches cut short off-an arrange.
meant which would do much towards facilitating the ascent, which
leads us naturally to conclude that this denoted impecuniosity or being
up a tree. 7. The indented; here we e have the teeth of a saw, and
the connexion which it naturally has with carpentering, of course
makes it a plainer thing to understand that it otherwise would be.
Finally, we have the dancetty, and this is the saw-teeth over again,
but blunter, and only three of them. It might have been supposed
that, as these two lines represent saw teeth, they would have been
drawn first to get rid of them, but instead of that they have been
kept till the last.
Having thus run over the Heraldic lines, we will now shunt our
train of thought for a week. In our next number we shall have a few
"differences" (not of opinion) in blazonry.


THE BEST STOCK TO INVEST rN.-That of health.


Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Oilce, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 7, 1863.


I ?_ _








NomiEr 14, 18C3.] U' N F



zr -'. \'
A

'' 0
'InI


THE SUBTERRANEAN CAROUSAL.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.
BOOK VIII.-UNDER THE PAVEMENT.
BY W. H-1R-s-N A-NSW-RTH. Author of "Rookwoodifhecould,"
"Jack Sheppard," "Jerry Abershaw," "Sir John Dean Paul,"
Mr. Roupell," The Tower of London," Windsor Castle," The
Old Chelsea Bun House," Hicks' Hall," &c., &c.


I.-IN THE DARKNESS.
"SAVED, by my halidome!" said SYKES; adding with a proper
spirit of self-respect, "and by my own ingenuity."
To give the reader an accurate and lively idea of the subterranean
constructions in which the fugitives had sought refuge, would entail,
on the most moderate computation, about two hundred pages of
minute architectural description, similar to those which I have de-
voted to "Windsor Castle" and" The Tower of London," and which
it is my intention-health being spared-to devote to a considerable
majority of the ancient houses of Great Britain. For the present,
however, accuracy must be temporarily sacrificed to interest. I re-
serve the description for an appendix.
Black, black as Erebus was the cavern into which SYKES and his
faithful follower had descended; and even the practised eyes of the
burglar, accustomed as they were to make a little light go a long
way, at first failed to penetrate the deep obscurity that reigned
around. The peril, indeed, could scarcely be considered over.
The stupendous triumph of engineering skill, the noble monument
of municipal energy into which they had ventured, was absolutely
labyrinthine in its complexity; passage crossed passage, vault became
confused with vault, and without some such clue as that which
guided the jealous ELEANOR to the bower of FAIR ROSAMOND (an
interesting incident which I intend to treat, some day or other, in a


three volumed historical novel), it seemed almost impossible for the
fugitives to find their way out.
SYKES, however, reflected that by following the inclination of the
ground itself, and by keeping, so to speak, dowon-hill, he must ulti-
mately come to the outlet; and with this idea for his only guide, he
stepped forward.
Gradually, as their eyes became (as it were) acclimatised, the fugi-
tives began to be conscious of a dim light from above. It was indeed
feeble and obscure; but it was at any rate better than none at all,
and they went on with greater assurance and with a more cheerful
tread, as soon as they discerned it.
It was tolerably certain that they had contrived to throw the police
off their scent. GRABBER, indeed, had he been uninjured, might pro-
bably have had sagacity and keenness enough to follow up their trail;
but GRABBER had-at any rate, for the moment-got his gruel;
and the truly British bosom of ROGER SYKEs treated the idea of being
captured by an American policeman very much in the way that America
herself treats her debts. He repudiated it. A good deal of anxiety
still troubled his mind. Who can wonder at this ? It is indeed hard
to be suddenly baffled in a great attempt; and to find oneself, instead
of the triumphant master of a bank, a hunted fugitive in a sewer !
Ah, even the boldest and bravest of our English criminals have had
these trials and disappointments to endure; and a full account of
a good many tribulations of a similar character will be found in the
two romances which I have consecrated to the memories, respectively,
of RICHARD TUnPIN and of JoHN SHEPPARD.

II.-A DIGRESSION.
I CONFESS that I am far from being satisfied with the task that I
have undertaken. I fully expected, as I fondly hoped, that it would
be mine to trace the prisoner's escape; but I thought that it would
be effected in a different manner, and I was anxious to introduce a
black mare.
Yes Off rides ry SYKES on his spanking tit on a bright autumn
morn, along the broad English highway, on which for years he has


VOL. K









FU N.


,NovEmBER 14, 1863.


---~, X"'c---------------I=-~


III.- MsIc ATTND xT KI I suns. my nead, wim~n textes,.as iul: awI. can mOral,
I- sic AND iGa Andi I audibly repeats,'bm, till they takes mewfbo ailamtU!!
SUDDENLY SYKES stopped. At one and' tihe same moment it Pluam! Sham;;.
aemed to him that he saw in the distance a glare of light and' that he Hand us round' a dam !
:card a gush of song. I patter to the Chaplain, till' he takes me for a lamb!
Strange as it may seem, he was correct in both suppe'.tions. There
Pas light-there was song. When the gammoning is over, and I've got my ticket right,
Keeping himself as much in the dark as possible, id not giving It's needless to inform yer as my conduct alters quite;
;he slightest indication of any desire to join in the chorus, SYKES I prowls about the city,-a garotter still I am--
?ausel and reflected. As he did so he suddenly heard the well-known And nobody wot meets me would mistake me for a lamb !
:efrain of Nix my dolly, pals, fake away." Flam Sham!
It is doubtful whether even KING RICHARD of the Lion Heart when Hand us round a dram!
lie heard BLONDEL singing the well-remembered Provencal romance SHOULD I MEET THE WORTHY CHAPLAIN, WOULD HE TAKE
outside his dungeon-wall experienced more rapture than that which FOE A LAMB?
suffused the breast of SYKEs-a man of equal hardihood-when he
caught the words of the memorable felonious chorus which I had the
honour to immortalize in my admirable novel Rookwood."
lie took it for granted that the revellers were kindred and congenial A SONG FOR THE THRONG.
spirits, and accordingly he advanced towards them, still with much
caution, for a hasty or indiscreet step might still have its dangers- NEUTRAL RIGHTS AND BELLIGERENT WRONGS.,
miglit still ruin all.
Suddenly as he crossed a dark archway, he felt himself garotted. As MR: BULL, that man of pith,
He flung off the garotter by the peculiar back-play familiar to the Was calmly sipping calledd with,"
dangerous classes; and whilst the former was still recovering from his -Al in his chimney-nook,
:astonisluent at the magnificent manner in which his attempt at He reached a volume from the shelf;
:trangulation had been frustrated, SYKES addressed him in the secret Intending to amuse himself.
language of these hardy children of felonious toil. It was a story-book.
A good understanding was soon arrived at, and the garotter, when It told how Mi. PoLTs Tis
he had quite recovered, invited SYKEs to the festive board. old ow OS


IV.-THE FELONIOUS CAROUSE.
TTEY were a goodly company assembled under that vaulted roof,
in a snug recess. There was grog galore. There were all' kinds of
American drinks, from the simplicity of the "cobbler" to the com-
plication of the smash."
Amongst those who sat around that hospitable board, an English
criminal-known as OLD MIKE the Maunderer-at once recognized our
hero-whose name, indeed, was already familiar in Trans-Atlantic
criminal circles. He was accordingly received with acclamations,
which grew still more hearty when he announced that he had just
escaped from the police, and that he had left INSPECTOR GRABBER
for dead.
Fill, fill, my boys! Quaff, quaff the rosy wine to our boon
companion, RoGER SYKES !" cried the chairman, ZEDEDIAH J.
QualionY, a forger.


(k very iunny name was his)
Sold whips and walking-sticks;,
And in the village where he thrived ,
A butcher and a baker lived
Who put him in as fix.
As thus :-These two would fall to cuffs,
And then with him get into huffs,
For calmly standing by;
For he was peaceable. The fray
He would not join in, either way,
Remarking, "No, not I!"
But when the butcher wished a stick,
His adversary to be.-lick,
Tis sold him one-of ash;
And when the baker had a whim
To buy a whip, he sold it him,
And with a stinging lash.


beau a courteous and gentlemanly robber-off he rides, at a brisk trot
Sat fist, which swells little by little into a gallop, and then rushes
frci a gallop into an ecstasy of speed. On he goes, swiftly as the wind.
Stand aside, tollman such passengers as this care little for turnpikes.
Out of the way, waggoners! This horseman carries a brace of
barkers. Give ground, one and all. Cheer him if you like-he is nott
above praise-but beware lest ye hinder or delay him. Is it a race
that he rides? See! the hoofs of his charger strike fire from the'
fftats. On--and on-and on-even more swiftly, even more eagerly
he rides. His teeth are firmly set, his eyes look clearly, resolutely
firrnrads. At times he lays his hand with a loving pat of encourage-
m.cnt upon the shoulder of the darling mare that carries him so
'.'avewly along at such a glorious pace. And she ? She has not turned
: huir of her coat; her ears now and then are thrown back as if to
c'ih the "Bonny Bess" more clearly t-at he utters; her eyes are
-i': of fire; she is all blood, and glory, and, speed. A race? Yes:;.
:aJ the stake is the life of the rider! On they go! Through the
'rowsay village, whore old crones, sleeping in the sun, wake up at the.
:'nmdor of the hoofs, where the brawny blacksmith runs to his forge-
.)'r that he may see who rides so well. On they go Past woodb.
a :os autumnal colburs seem to reel past them, so magiitentl thae
Scc, past holt and shaw, over open down and widbhwindy gorse-eovered1
,.mrimon. On they go Past roadside inns, where the: ha-sodden
i, per drowsily rises and staggers to the door as- he hears the hurrying
Sooes-where the horses in the paddock neigh' ini loud rivalry. On
i'?jey go See! he steadies himself just a little in his saddle as the
'aaro gives a slight lurch-a slight heave of the flank; tush! 'twas
:at a twinge, a moment's twinge; she is right again;: she-is good for
-.ours oven yet; and on they go, more swiftly than ever,. you would'
a. y, as though Black Bess" were anxious to make up for even anm
istant's weakness. by redoubled speed. That is the way in which- I
should' hmav liked to treat the flight of ROGER SYES. from the officers
I the law. The exigencies of the story forbid my doing so.


The toast was received with enthusiasm.
"And now," cried QUIGGERY, "perhaps Brother GOTGE will
oblige us with a song ?"
BROTHER GouGE-'twas the man who had garotted SYEBs-at
once struck up-
"The robbers oif oldt were a horse-riding lot;
They were deuced' good hands at a gallop or trot,
AS,, clapping the. spur to the flanks. of a tit,
They cried,' Stand: and deliver !' to soldier or cit.
They could dress, in gay clothes, they could strut in the Mall;
They could' db the' polite, they could dance like DUVAL;
Yet were married at last, with a noose for a ring,
Like ABErBHiuW, SHEPmAiRD,,DICK TU BPiN,.and' KING !"
What will you, have the pleasure of saying, brother," asked the
chairman, "after that pleasing harmony?"
"'Well," answered Gb.UGE, Pill give you a toast."'
"The wind. tat. blows the ship: wat. goes, andl thel has that
loves a garottern!"
Ehtihusiastically was- tie toast honouredl.
"Perhaps," said! the, Chairman, "'Btother S'PBus woudil oblige ?
Ee Looks as if'he'd' got a singing face!'"
The, burglar at once began,-
When the luck it goes agin me-whom Fin' brought before tllieBBeak,
With halfa dozen: witnesses, to character to speak,
D'ye think I get obstreperous ?' Why, no' such, fool' I ami;;
I shows.my resignation, aund I takes it like a lamb!
FItun!' Cram!'
Island] us round a dramn !
I patter to the Chaplain, and I takes itlike a lamb !V
When they locks me-up securely, where I knows as I'm on, vibw.
I'm as steady as at magistrate a-sitting in his pew;;







NOVEMBER 16, 1863.]


FUN.


Said he, My business i- these goods,
Those slender thongs and sturdy woods,
To every oue to vend;
And perhaps 'twill happen-who can tell ?-
That, thanks to these stout sticks I sell,
The feud may sooner end."
One day to Tis the butcher came:
You know the baker '" SOUT ?" "The same,
I've quairel'd, sir, with .him;
So have no dealings 'with the oaf;
For if you buy asingleloaf,
I'll tear you limb from limb."
Tis was an easy sort of manan
To bandy wordswas not'his plha.;
He let the matter drop.
But so it chanced, ere day -was done,
One of his boys, his eldest son,
Came up into the 4hop;
And thus unto his father said,
"Daddy, I'm going to buy some bread."
The deuse you are !"-said TI,;
Why, NonRT,'.the butcher yonder, swore
That we must'buy of SoUTr no more.
'That's 'where:the matter is."
Then sitting TIs bont "his browsiin thoughtful :frown,
While he his chin did'rub.
Quoth he, "If NouaI and'SoUTH will fight,
I'm peaceable, and do whats.right,--
Why maynft havee my grub.?"
Tlihi pl.rii ij .:.ii li.t. i hestrode
Fr'o, uwn iii: *hr,ri and down the road
Toward wheret'he~biker dwelt';
But took a sapling in his:fist,
Because its logic was, he',Eiit,
So quickly seen-and felt.
NORTH hmet him- near the baker's shop.
'"Hillo !" he cried-" old fellow, stop !
'Twere better for your hide.''
Quoth straightway TIs, Mind what you do'!
For bread from him, as meat from you,
I t'll have. Stand aside !"
*
JOHN BULL flung down the story-book,
And jumped up from the chininey-nook,
And 'slapped liis solid thigh.
"Egad said.he, "that story sounds
A wise one." Andhe added, "Zounds;!
The lesson's one I'ltry.
"Small odds what diplomats indite;
Peaceable people have a xight
To what's in reason's bounds,
In spite of those who fight and brawl-
Those-why they have no right ftt all."
And -BULL repeated Zounds !"
Quoth he, "Let North and South at will
Keep up the furious strife,:and still
Each other cut and carve;
,One thing I'm clear on-from henceforth,
A.fig for either Sou'th or North,,
My people shall not starve !"



ADDRESSED TO M11. DISRAELI-When a farmer has bad crqps,
does he generally make a rye face ?
MOTTO FOR 1OW STREET.-When people have been "charged,"
the.sooner they go off"--if permitted-the better.
THE NEW WEDGWOOD PATTERN.-GLADSTONE'S Mug at the
Potteries.
THE MOST DIFFICULT THING TO GET IN THE CITY.-Along.
SIGNS OF AN EARLY IWINTER.-A flock of pantomimists was
seen to pass over Waterloo Bridge a few mornings ago.
SAYING 'BY OUR SAGE 'IN THE STREETS.-The commencement of
the worst phase of American shivery was when the Federals forged
their own fetters by putting a Link-on their own necks.


TOWN TALK.
BY TIE 'LUNClHE AT TiHE PVrns.
WHIAT would the Olubs do without scandal ? There have been
many very wonderful rumours afloat lately. I heard BoGGLI, of the
Carlton, remarked to B3uPPER, of Boodles, "o, rieieit to,!ioour.s ) ss
.Premnie.rsanours." But .I don't believe it. At any rate,the l RIANG oF
DAHoMEY has solemnly asseverated that he will not be present at any
human sacrifices in St. George's, Hanover Square, during his stay in
England, which:he is dbout to visit in company with CAPTAIN BURTON,
Commander-in-Chief of the Amazons, and the rest of his suite, and
fair attendants. However, as the great SMrITr observed, time will
show."
THE coult-martial on COLONEL CRAWLEr does not, appear to he
any nearer than it was. The unwinding of red tape is a necessarily
slow andtedliousiprocess; but I hope the public will not allow the
authorities to put'them-and the trial-off too long. It is not usual
to'.employ lawyers uat 'eourt-martials, but for the sake of simplifying
matters, we hope somee barrister of eminence will be employed to
instruct the Judge LAtdooate-Gcneral, who, to judge fioni his previous
career,'knowse:as mucl about law as a doctor of divinity knows about
physic.
.Bdl 'Daeonio, the mystery of the advertisement sheets of the Times
and relqraph,oreeentlyarevealed as the new piece at the ir4e, 'm, was
performed'totwcrowdedJhouse on the last day of last monl.th. It is
adapted'from'the Frenlh, with great skill,;hy. J IoN lIm)iouiAM. who,
if he hose torbe as easy on these points 6esplhywriglits, that could 1e0
named,rmight idlairn to be the most sueoessful original driniatist in
England. If prophesy Min. Fl"ECirl'E will'not ,in vain make a-peal to
the public .with 'this new Sel(1). His reenoh stage, by the way,
seems Ito work very well. ant the offeot,:in point of scenery, is a
marked improvement on the old style. fIt is quite clear'that Fortune
ought to attend on the spirited manager, for 'he has lFetohd-her all
the way from Paris.
G SAIiDALDI is reported to have taken to fishing at Caprera. lie is
very successful,-if rumnour says true, and far more worthy a follower
of the judicious HooKER than the American General of that name.
Let not,.however, tyranny suppose that the fishing-line is the only
,line left.for the wounded General. He has a rod for a fool's back as
well as for fishes,,so Boar.lALINO need not prick up his ears at the
news that the General has retired to such of-lish-ial duties.
PLANCHE'S Goldeni Fleece, which, by the way, was not loeeced from
anybody, was revived the other day at the llayniarket. It, coni(trsts
very favourably with the present school of burlesque, with real puns
instead of verbal contortions. It is to be wished that some chip of
the old PLANCHE could be found, for the sake of the stage.
TIIE war in New Zealand is assuming alarmling proportions. The
"Maori, Maori, quite contrary," is likely to give Iu a good deal of
trouble. And what is worse, while the troops are being conveyed
trans smare from .England, the handful on the spent will find it
difficult to hold their own and make the natives own their hold. It
is asked why the Sikh troops have not been sent to India,hbut there
are great difficulties -in the way of such a Sikh iranrit."
MONSIEUR NAuDAR'S friends seem much amused by 'the conster-
nation of the Hollanders at their appearance in the giant balloon.
It really is curious that the natives wore so astonished, they ought
to be accustomed to the sight of extensive flats.
A PAINFUL accident occurred to a dignitary of the Church the
other day. He was sitting at the window of a railwafy-carriage in
the express train on the'GrTf, Western Ra]ilway, conversing with his
amiable partner. In trying to indicate the exact position of' the
steeple of Salisbury Cathedral, he was observed to put his arm out.
The injury was promptly attended to, and the window closed to
prevent a repetition of the misfortune. It is said the rev. sufferer is
progressing favourably.

A RHYME WITH NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT.
TrrEt.r once was a rowdy called BEECIER,
Who of bloodshed and strife was the,preacher.;
But England said "Pooh
We won't listen to you,
An illiterate war-gospel teacher." ,

THE REAL DESERT FLOWER.-That produced from the grains of
sand.
AND' WE SITOULnD BE RIGrrT, Too.-In certain "high latitudes"
the days are often of less than two hours' duration. We should call
this an illustration of the old saying, "Light come, light go:"







[NOVEMBER 14, 1863.


FUN.


AIRING HIS LATIN.
Second Whip :-"Now THEN, MULTUM 'PON PARVO, OUT OF THE ROAD, THERE!"


HER MAJESTY'S OPPOSITION.
WE have already proved to our readers that the private delibera-
tions of HER MAJESTY'S Cabinet Ministers are, to us, no secrets; and
we are happy to be able to make a similar statement with regard to
the conferences held by HER MAJESTY'S Opposition. What are the
sources of our information ? The answer is left for the historian of
the future.
SCENE.-The Mansion of the EARL OF DERBY. Present-That EARL,
the VISCOUNT MALMESBURY, two or three Dukes, MR. BENJAMIN
DISRAELI, and a whole host of others.
Derby.-No I won't do it. I should blush for the name I bear.
The lower order of Dissenting ministers may if they like; I won't.
It would be grossly unfair.
Malmesbury.-Well, but what's to be done ? There's Foreign
Policy, but we couldn't well abuse PAM for that when we haven't
any of our own.
Derby.-I repeat, my lords and gentlemen, that if our good friend,
MR. DISRAELI, has found a policy during the recess, well and good.
We can make a stand then. Personally, I don't want office. I have
eighty thousand a year and the gout. But I do think we've been
out quite long enough. Come, DISRAELI, my man.
Disraeli.-When the Sybilline Books were brought to the airy
PALMERSTONS of ancient Rome-
Newodegate.-Whatever does he mean ?
Derby.-A little plainer, DIz. Remember where you are. Don't
speak over the heads of your audience (sotto voce). There are dukes
in the room.
Disraeli.-Frankly, then, I will tell the meeting that I have not
found a policy; but neither have I deserted a principle. (Applause
from those who think they understand.)
Spooner.-If the right honourable gentleman hasn't a policy, I
have. The Conservative party ought to be eminently religious.


Dukes.-Yes, by Jove !
Spooner.-Look here. I should bring in a Bill for the periodical
inspection of nuns-I mean nunneries, you know, and another mea-
sure for the abolition of idolatry in India, and, generally speaking, I
should punish absence from church for more than two consecutive
weeks as felony, and then we could see what the effect of that
would be.
Stanley.-The effect of that would be a revolution in Ireland, a
rebellion in India, and an Anti-State Church Government in
England.
Dukes (feebly).--Hasn't got his father's ability. Isn't sound.
PClever, of course; not sound, though-no, no, not sound.
Pakington.-When I was in office I made a good deal of political
capital out of the reconstruction of the Navy.
Disraeli (sotto voce).-Which had to be reconstructed again.
Mr. Trehern.-If anybody is wanted to speak plain truths in
disagreeable language, I hope that my speeches at Coventry
have-
Mr. Ferrand.-I rise to order. I have a certain position in the
ranks of our party. That position I will not tamely be robbed of.
If vituperative eloquence is required, I hope that my speeches at
Devonport--
Mr. Trehern.-The honourable member is a blustering demagogue
and a ranting howler.
Mr. Ferrand.-The honourable member is a superannuated driveller,
a worn-out imbecile, an-
Derby.-Order, gentlemen; this is not the House of Commons.
Dukes (mumbling feebly to each other).-Good, egad. He had 'em
there, eh ? Good, very good. Capital leader, capital. So sound, you
know. Good, very good. Yes.
Disraeli.-The time, my lords and gentlemen, requires not
epigrammatic antithesis nor covert satire, but a plain exposition of a
practical policy.
Dukes (more feebly than ever).-Goed, too. Yes, he's very clever.


--


I








NOVEMBER 14, 1863.]


F UN.


SException-It must be admitted that this rule is not infallible in its
application, and even we, with all our experience, have occasionally been
deceived in the interpretation of the expression of a pair of eyes taken
by themselves. Example-We
were occupying an humbleartiste's
box on the second tier, at HER
MAJESTY'S Theatre, during a
recent performance of "Faust,"''
when we noticed, in the course of .~
the incidental divertissement, a .
remarkably pretty countess glan-
cing at us with an expression of -
countenance to which our arti-r '"
has done but scanty justice ii tr.- -
accompanying sketch. We L"'.: f, '
never been able to arrive abn a- ',.
satisfactory conclusion respecting.
its meaning, but at sense of
modesty induces us to attribute
it to unutterable loathing and % i I '
foul scorn.*
Black eyes typify at quarrelsome nature; brown eyes indicate- a
fickle disposition;. and grey eyes bespeak constancy. Of course, a
gentleman witli-one brown eye and:one grey,.is fickle-on one side and'
constant on the other. Ladies-should, always be careful to get on the
right side of people so distinguished.


GOSSIP OF' THE WNiV E.
S MApZING PACT:-Ai gentlb-
man farmer writes to us to
complain that, his flower gar-
den is absolutely overrun with,
weedsI Hb has caught several
of:them, and' assures us that'.
they are excellent smoking.
MUSICAL. A celebrated
maestro, who is generally very
/ successful with his audience,
recently composed himself to
sleep.
LovE AND SUICIDE.--A
gentlemanwho occupied a re.
sponsible position in a well-
S. known city house was- lately
S--'' very much. cut up in conse-
Squence or his rejection by a
young lady ot great wealth and
beauty He has since been sent
home in small instalments.
LEGA'.-A. limb of the law
recently felt very much mor-
tified at a discovery of his rascality. It is feared that the LORD
CHA1NCELLOR will recommend amputation.
THE DRA.MA.-A 'dramatic author lately, taxed!his invention. We
understand that'his invention has appealed, claiming exemption on
the ground of immemorial custom.
FORTUNATE ACCIDENT.-A father of a family recently, lost his
temper, to the great delight of his friends, as it was a very bad one.
NAVAL IINTELLIGENCE.-The stockbroker who rigged the market-
so successfully has been employed by the Admiralty.
THE CHASE.--A huntsman when in the act of winding his horn
had the misfortune to break the mainspring.
FOOLISH EXPERIZMENT.-A person recently set an investigation on
foot. Hb complains that it'hurts him.
THE CUT DIRECT:-A gentleman who was made acquainted with
Sthe real character of a desperately bad'half-crown, the next day passed
it in the street; pretending:that, he didn't'know it:


A," LUCUS,A NON LUCENDO2'"
ON the map of the world; "Happy Ergland,"'
As the French say, sans. dbute, is a spot';
But of this we may all'" take a davy"'
A blemish it's certainly not.

A detestable joke about the barley (ballet), cirw fowl's corn (foul scorn) has
been bmitted, as it is essential that the mind of'tll -tudent should not he distracted
by anything calculated to harass or' excited it unnecessarily.-ED.


AMENDED BYE-LAWS FOR REGULATING THE
TRAFFIC OF THE CITY OF LONDON.
Notice is herebyg.qiven, that at a Court of Momus, held in the inner-
most recesses ofi'i FN Otice, 8, Fleet Street, on or about a period
immaterial, the following buy-laws, rules, scales, orders, and regrula-
tions, were made anent various matters within the City of London in
general, and the said street of the Fleet in particular, under and. in
presence of the provisions provided by the luncheon purveyor of the
establishment;:-
1.-Every omnibus, stage-carriage (metropolitan, Sir-richard.
Mayne's or otherwise), licensed for the conveyance of passengers at
separate fares,.passing eastward or westward through the said street
of the Fleet; shall, when it reaches the house, shop, office, domicile,
or by what' other and: (im)pertinont designation the said 80, Fleet
Street, may. ie or is known and designated, forthwith stop, and allow
each, all; and every such passenger or passengers to alight, for 1the
purpose-of' inspecting the cartoons of the periodical there published;
andithediiver; oondhctor, or other person in charge of said vehicle,
shall urge said passengers to purchase the current number ibstantor
andithe-blaca numbers at their earliest convenience.
2.-No person slallidrive any vehicle through the said street (except
between the hours- of 8 p.m. on Saturday and 0 a.m. on Monday)
without' conforming tb. the foregoing rule, under penalty of being
compelled to answer per post; at his own expense, the oft recurring
qpery, Why give more ?'
3.-No person, being. a, female, shall be allowed' to intercept the .
view of the said establishment' during all or any of the hours above
mentioned (nor any other hours), by wearing crinoline (nor any
similar contrivance for creating inconvenience) of a larger circum-
ference than 72 yards (streets or alleys); nor wear a bonnet of
fashibnallb, shape extending upward more than 10 feet from the
wearers- head,; whether or no the same be or be not decorated with
;clematis, hollyhock,.ivy, or any other creeping thing.
4i-No person, shallJ,during tile aforesaid hours, deliver any coals,
ieerwine, dyolaratlbns-of war, copy for FuN, who requires to see the
Editbrrpersonally on the subject of such delivery.
5.-No person shall slide, slip, fall down, do splits or carl-wheels,
nor stand, loiter, nor look into any shop window (save only thel window
of No. 80, Fleet Street, as aforesaid), nor walk "arm in arm rilltout
reasonable cause, nor shall hawk 1..l... i.,11.h of the railwny blilht on
Ludgate Hill-stereoscopic slides ..I I. I ildliall mystery or the
vanished valuables "-" The Bethnal Beadle and tile vicious vestry ;"
nor, in short, any other immoral production.
6.-Every driver of any waggon, or other vehicle, and the rider of
every horse or otiler animal (except always any person proceeding on
'a pig to Putney) shall submit to be hoctor'd; bullied, malltreoited, or
'otherwise abused by any Bobby on duty (or otherwise), and shall
tamely submit to the same in manner as if he, she, or it were a PIolo
in Warsaw, a nigger in New York, a street slall-keeper in West.-
minster, a counsel at an Old Bailey Sessions or Vice-Cliancellor's
Court, or, in fact, as if ho, she, or it was not, and never hrad been, a
free Briton.
7.-No shoeblack (guards) other than those licensed by the Cute
Commissioner of Common Sense shall be permitted to black the eyes
of each other or the boots of HER MAJESTY'S lieges, and i thi eve nt
of two persons passing through',sid City, and one of tliem requiring
the services of a shoeblack, he shall be immediately and forribly sepa-
rated from his companion, whether male or female, sail ibrmpanion
being obliged by ollidious Bobby to "move on frormr tlie inimrrediate
proximity" to the manifest discomfort of Hlirt MAJETrY's snid lieges.
8.-No person requiring clean hands shall omit to call forthwith on
MR. DEPUTY ELLIOT, and'enter into full explanation of Iris conduct
from his youth upward:
9.-In thle interpretation of these Bye-laws the words "street,"
"reasonable cause," "immediate proximity," or, in fact, any other
words shall be held to bear any and every significance which tie dis-
cretion or malice of any Peeler may invest them with.
And notice is hereby further given, that at the expiration of one
week from the date hereof, it is intended to apply to Hin n1 M.AJ.irTY'S
Chief Pugilist, the Secretary of State for Ireland, for powers to compel
all persons not theretofore provided with a copy of these Bye-laws, to
buy copy or copies thereof within 24 hours, the said copies being
obtainable at the office of the Court of Mbmus, at the price of one
penny, by all persons seeking the same.
(Signed) IIEADIITTEROFFUN.
SO, Fleet-street, Nov., 1863.


A STRANGE MEDICAL FACT.-It's kill that cures !








90 FUN.


[NOVEMBER 14, 1863.


AND NO WONDER!
Young Lady :-" AND WHY DID YOUR LITTLE BOY ABSENT HIMSELF FROM THE SUNDAY-SCHOOL, MRS. SMITH V"
Fond Paricnt:-" WELL, TSS, I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT WAS. Mr BOY FOUND A SHILLING. So, OFF HE GOES TO THE COOK'S-
SHOP, AND BUYS A THREEPENNY MEAT PUDDING, TWO PENNYWORTH OF GREENS, TWO PENNYWORTH OF POTATOES, AND ONE PENNY-
WORTH OF PEAS PUDDING, AND A HAPE'TH OF BREAD, AND HE'S HAD THE HICCUPS EVER SINCE!"


A PAYNE-FUL STORY.
OH, listen to my PAYNE-ful lay,
I'll tell you without fudge,
About a judge of robbers-and
The robbers of a judge.
As he was passing down the Strand,
There came a shower of rain;
In a shop-window PAYNE did stand,
And turned a window-PAYNE.
'Twas afternoon, and nearly two-
He learnt it to his cost;
Because his watch was after won--
By thieves;-to him 'twas lost!
For as he stood, a cracksman's eye
His worship chanced to catch,
Who saw he had a watch on him-
But was not on the watch.
He snatched the bauble, ere the judge
Could see what he was at;
He knew his watch went well, but ne'er
Believed wouldd go like that !
He cried Stop thief !" and some essayed--
But made of it a botch;
While PAYNE wished his chronometer
Would turn out a stop-watch.
The rogue did not procrastinate,
Although the thief of time;
He got safe off, and bore away
The booty of his crime.


His worship took the loss right well,
Nor did at fate demur-
The crowd all set him down as some
Miss-tick philosopher.


BRILLIANT PATRIOTISM.
THE following paragraph, brief as it is, conveys volumes of infor.
mation as to the state of affairs in New York:-
The demand for diamonds in New York is greater than ever."
The patriots are clearly desirous of securing as much as possible of
what is called by MR. WEMMICK "portable property." Gold and
silver may be of service to the country-may even be seized by the
enlightened Government of a great and free people-so these patriots
invest theirs in material easily concealed, and only convertible with
difficulty. Yet BEECHERS come over here and talk of the willingness
of the North to spend its last shilling and last drop of blood to secure
the Union, which is supposed to be the same thing as Negro Eman-
cipation-though why it should be is not clear. This is the talk that
tickles the long ears in Exeter Hall. Meanwhile, what do we see
across the Atlantic? The patriot of the first water, the brilliant
liberator of the black, is sinking his dollars in diamonds, which he
conceals about his person, having first paid a round sum to a benighted
Irishman or German in order to escape the conscription, and be enabled
to die for the good cause-by proxy. This sort of precious patriotism,
like the precious stone which typifies it, is only ingeniously disguised
charcoal.

IRISH FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
Arrival: SIR EXPRESSIVE LOYALTY-in the County of Galway.
-Departure: The EARL OF LEITBIM for Obscurity.


Printed by JnDD & GLASs, New Bridge-street, Ludgate-hill, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E,C.-Nov. 14, 1863.









NOVEMBER 21, 1863.]


FUN.


BEFORE THE BOOTH.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY.
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF.. THE DAY.
BOOK IX.-THE COUNTRY FAIR.
BY M. E. BR-DD-N. Author of Aurora Audley's Victory over the
Outcast Captain of the Vulture."

I.-BORETON FAIR.
THE course of the story now leads us from New York, where the
burglar SYKES was revelling with his rough companions, and from
Ireland, where CAPTAIN DOMBEY was deriving comfort from the
muscular clergyman, to a quiet English country town.
It was a very quiet town indeed. The stranger was apt to wonder
how its inhabitants could live. There were no manufactories, and
apparently there was scarcely any trade. The Royal Oak and the
King's Arms, the two chief hotels, seemed never to have anybody in
them. There were coaches, postchaises, flies, but no one ever seemed
to ride. From one year's end to another the little town was scarcely
ever stirred from its drowsiness except at fair time.
At fair time, indeed, there was a faint attempt at gaiety. Folks
came in from the country round about, clad in homespun grey or
wearing the primitive smock-frock. Rosy-cheeked matrons and
maidens made little purchases in the shops after an enormous amount
of haggling. Rough old farmers chalfered in the market-place and
wrangled at the ordinary.
Nor was this all. In a meadow not far off the main street (there
were but three streets altogether) the showmen assembled. For
days before the commencement of the fair, the roads were occupied
by waggons on their way to Boreton. On moved the caravans, chil-


dren with dark eyes and brown faces peeping
-_-- from their little windows as the town was
reached. All the Bohemian elements of the
country centred for a couple of days in the
show-field at Boreton. Gipsies and all other
nomads, voluntary or involuntary, flocked to
it. Every one who lived on wheels recog-
nized and accepted it as the true trysting-
place.
There was rough work there sometimes.
S The Children of the -Roads are somewhat
S quarrelsome; as ready to strike a blow as to
say, Hail, fellow, well met." Latc at night,
when drink had done its work, there were
S apt to be some ugly brawls. Sober and
quiet townsmen would gladly have had the
fair abolished; but there would have been
an approach to barricades in Boreton had
the attempt been made. The agricultural
poor have not so many opportunities for
enjoyment that they can afford to bo indif-
ferent even to such a sorry spectacle as that
which once a year the fair afforded them.
Its gaiety might be very poor; but it was
at least the best they knew.


II.-IN THE FAIR-FIELD.
TIE fair was held in October.
The weather had been unsettled. The
roads were heavy with the recent rain, and
Sthe fat land was thick and muddy.
The fair-field was more like a swamp tlan
ever. The caravans had all entered the town
and taken up their usual positions. The
place of honour was occupied, of course, by
the Royal Menagerie, as exhibited before all
the European sovereigns by J. Roc;:nis, )ro-
prietor. J. loG ERIS was a good-niatiredt, llutly
sort of man, who had not 0bon corrupted by
his intimacy with the Bengal ligcr, which
was the chief attraction of his exhibition.
'i Wax-work had its duo temple; and a
feeble-minded attempt was always made to
convince the public that an inspection of the
poor old models was essentially an intellectual
and moral employment, from which great
advantages and improvements both to head and heart were almost
certain to arise.
At nine o'clock the field was crowded. Loudly beat the drum of
the menagerie; mournfully wailed the Teutonic cornet-ap-iston which
was attached to the wax-work. The various orchestras indeed were
limited in number; and at an early hour half the musicians were
somewhat under the influence of liquor. This, however, did not check
their efforts. They might-in fact, they did-play out of tune ; but
at any rate they played. Their zeal was far in excess of their
sobriety.
The honest country folks walked about, vaguely and vacuously
gaping at one show after another, sometimes roused to laughter by the
funniments of Mn. MERRYMAN, and at others moved with horror by
the description of the Kaflir Chief from the interior of Zulu, in
Africa, as discovered by CAPTAINS GRANT and Seiimr. and Ml. l)u
CHAILLU, whose favourite food it is a rat, as lie will devour in the
presence of the audience, which but twopence is the charge, the
Kaffir Chief alone being worth ten times the money." As ten tines
the money will only amount to one shilling and eightpence sterling,
it is only charitable to suppose that the Kallir Chief was worth tile
figure stated; but he didn't look it.
As the happy and wondering rustics passed on, how few anmongst
them dreamt that in the heart of a woman in a show there was an
awful Secret-perhaps that of Bigamy, perhaps even that of l'ushing
Another Down a Well
What was the real story of the Woman with the long White Hair ?


LonD DUNDREARY'S REASON FORI NOT RESIDING IN ITALY.-
Because it is too much out of repair.for afellar.
MOTTO FOR A FAIR STALL-KIEEPI'E AT A "'FANCY SALE."-
" Semper eadem." Very free translation, No change."









NOVEMBER 21, 1863.]


"BEL DEMONIO."
I.


IT was a windy evening,
And JONES his work had done,
And snug at home in Camden-town,
He supper had begun;
And by him little Walter stood,
Allowed to sit up late, being "good."


II.
He saw his mother take a bill
With letters large and round,
Which in his father's outer coat
She had that moment found;
He asked her what it was she found
With all those letters large and round.
II.
Old JoNEs he took it from mamma,
Who stood expectant by;
And then old JONES he shook his head,
And faltered this reply :
A playbill! Oh ah! That's, you know,
The bill of Bel Demonio."
IV.
"I went to the Lyceum, for
Folks talk of that about;
And, Mrs. JONEs, 'twas wrong of you
To turn my pockets out ;
But SMITH last night and I did go
To see this Bel Demonio."
V.
Oh tell us what 'twas all about,"
Good little WALrTER cries;
And Mas. JoNEs, rebuked, looks up,
And to be pleasant tries-
"And what stands Bel Denionio' for?
Just tell us what it was you saw."
VI.
"'Twas MR. FECHTER," JONES replied,
Of that I have no doubt;
But why he had that name, I'm sure
I could not well make out;
But everybody said," quoth he,
"It was the sort of piece to see."
yII.
"He seemed to be an artist, when
A soldier coming by
Said, 'Well, I knew your father,
And that father's friend was I,
And you're as great as others, though
Folks only call you Angelo."
vIIr.
"And so they go to find a Count,
Who does near Rome reside,
And boldly ask his daughter's hand
That she may be his bride;
And things like that, you know, must be
In every pretty piece you see."
IX.
"Refused, he marries her in spite,
And when the thing is done,
The Count says she must take the veil,
And go and be a nun;
So then the wifeless Angelo
Says, 'I'll be Bel Demoiio.' "
X.
"The leader of a gipsy band
He seems to then become,
And from the chapel crypt he takes
The rescued lady home,
And then the Pope appears, you see,
And thus the piece ends happily."


FUN.


XI.
"Great praise has MR. FEwirrn won,
And new is every scene."
It seems a very stupid thing,"
Said Mus. JoNEs, you've seen."
"Nay, nay, my dear, it is," quoth he,
" The kind of piece you ought to see."


XII.
"For everybody likes it well
Who has to see it been."
"But I the tale don't understand,"
Quoth WALTER, chiming in.
"Why that is just the case with me,
But it's a sort of piece to see."

A LITTLE STAT'IESMAN.
LORD JOHN RUSSELL was a much bigger man than EARL Tt'ssRaL
has proved to be. The former could boast of a few bright nchieve-
ments-the latter has only blunders to show. 'lThrlout.gh)i the whole
of the American crisis the Foreign Secretnry's policy has bhIni a.
weak combination of petty craft and ostontati(ons owardice. T'he
result is, that the Americans have sonie re:ison for crowing over us,
and declaring that we seize the rams rather in dolb'rncc Ito their
wishes than from any belief that their building is illegal. lKeally the
Government is very much to be pitied with a giddy young LivelAcle
for a premier, a nervous little nobleman at foreign allair:i, andl a
pugnacious roysterer as secretary for Ireland. What can poor dear
GLADSTONE think of all these goings-on ?

WESTON WISDOM.
WESTON-SUPER-MARE has been initiative of a capital movement,
which all small localities in BEngland would do well to follow. It has
established a village hospital, to which the working classes have
contributed among them 160. The remainder has been umde up by
well-to-do residents ead visitors-and they lay out their money
wisely. Loss of labour, through the indisposition or chronic illnhss
of workmen, will be far less frequent than is the ease now, when hte
sick bread-winner gets unskilled nursing and no coinforts in his
unhealthy home. Besides this, we imst remimlbiir I hai tlihe splrcad fi'
infectious diseases will be checked. And all this will be It lfd
without any loss of independence on the part of thl.se Ilr b itii., for
they will have probably contributed their inite io thI inslilit ioli, Iihun
feeling a sort of part-proprictorship; and will fIel I)lhlrnoli to no
Lord or Lady Bountiful in particular. W\e hope Itn se tihe (ex':iiplc,
to which we have called attention, widely followed. There are few
difficulties in the way, medical men are always to be fiiundI, re:ay andl
willing to forward such schemes for the benefit of the sick ioor; :;nd
we have no doubt that the wise and good people who starltie the
hospital at Weston will give the aid of their experience and advice
when required. FUN, with infinite respect, dotl his cap and belll to
the wise men of Weston, and wishes them all success in their under-
taking, and many imitators all over England.

DIREFUL DAIRIES.
CONSIDERABLE complaints are made about the unwholesome state
of London milk, derived from diseased cows in undrained, ill-ventiilald
dairies. It is even alleged that the milkmen put water in their cans
in order to dilute the poison they carry, and save themselves from the
risk of prosecutions for manslaughter. We understand that an attempt
will be made to save a portion of the International Exhibition early
next session. Provided it be turned into a cow-shed (from which it
differs little in appearance), we have small objection. There will be
plenty of ventilation, for, of course, air can come in were water
does; and that came in all over the building. If, therefore, the
cucumber frames, which did duty for domes, were removed to the
neighboring Fulhain Nurseries, we see no objection to retaining the
cow-sheds, and putting them to their natural and obvious use. A
statue of the architect might be erected on the spot, in connection
with the water-supply, under the form known to dairymen as the
black cow with the iron tail."

WHAT DO YOU PAY, MIl. TITACKERAY?
THE world has heard much about Vanity Fair,"
But from what of man's ways we've been able to mark,
We hold, and we fancy we're riAht to a hair,"
There's an equal abundance of Vanity Dark.


I









,4 FUN.

7- .v -Ns


[NOVEMBER 21, 1863.


WELL TURNED.
tJuvenile Swell :-"OnI! now DELIGHTFUL IT MUST BE TO BE A DOC !"
Young Lady :-" NEVER MIND, CHARLIE, YOU' HAVE A CHANCE TO GROW."


THE CABINET COUNCIL AND THE CONGRESS.
THE following verbatim report (furnished by our Usual Traitor)
will probably be read with considerable interest.
Pami.-I only say that the move is a bold and a clever one. I don't
say it will succeed. I don't say it was even meant to succeed. I only
say that our august friend over the water has again shown pluck and
talent.
lRussell.--What is "pluck ?"
Pam.-It's nothing to do with you, John Gentlemen who commence
a dispute after saying that they won't fight, are generally considered
not to possess much of it.
lRssell.-Oh; yes. I am much obleeged. You are very satirical.
Yes.
Pain.-The really important question is what answer we shall send.
Our friend across the channel has a strong passion for intelligibility.
What shall we do, eh?
Russell.-I should say, let us rest and be thankful. (Goes to sleep.)
Gladstone.-For what ?
Granville.-Would it not be an excellent idea to ask the EMPEROR
over here, and give him a nice little dinner ? No sovereign is really
insensible to such delicate attentions.
Pam.-What shall we do, GLADSTONE 2
Gladstone.-We have three courses open to us.
Paim.-Yes, I know; but which of the three shall we take ?
Sir Charles Wood (still thinking of LORD GRANVILLE'S proposi-
tion).-Do you think three courses would do? There's soup, you know;
and I suppose he'd like some fish; and-
Sir George Grey (sharply).-Don't expose yourself in that manner,
CHARLES! Hold your tongue; and you'll almost pass for a statesman.
And it's most necessary that you should, considering that you married
into our family, and have been allowed to govern an Indian Empire
in consequence i


Pam.-Gentlemen, these little family disputes waste time. Would
the Lord Chancellor suggest any definite course ?
Lord Chancellor.-I should keep on writing him letters until I tired
him out !
Gladstone.-Three letters would be best.
Russell (talking in his sleep).-I once wrote a letter to the BISHOP
OF DURHAM. I forget what it was all about. I forget most things.
I must remember, though, to ask PALMEnsTON for a diplomatic
appointment. There's another ELLIOT to be provided for. Yes.
Magna Charta. The late MR. BURKE. Rest and be thankful.
Sir Charles Wood (pinching EARL RUssELL).-Come, JOHN, you
must wake up. We all look to you, you know, like Poles to the
Needles. You're the head of our set.
Russell (waking).-I should write something insulting to everybody,
and then tell 'em that I wouldn't fight. The English always like a
display of pluck.
Wood, Grey, and other old TWhigs.-Capital, JOHN Capital!
Pam.-Well, suppose we adjourn the question ?
The Majority.-Yes; certainly; adjourn everything. Good-day.
[Exeunt; as ME. GLADSTONE is about to retire, the Premier
stops him.]
Pam.-No; not you! Do stop, GLADSTONE. The matter really
isn't a joke. And it certainly is rather hard upon a man of my age
that he has to conduct the Government of England with only one
Minister in his Cabinet whose advice is worth a rap.
Earl Russell (re-entering).-By-the-bye, I forgot. I must really, on
behalf of the party that I represent, insist upon the summary dismissal
of LORD LYONS.
Pam.-The dismissal of LORD LYONS! Why ?
Russell.-I want his berth for a young friend of mine. Don't
suppose you've heard his name before. It's ELLIOT.
[Scene closes: the reply of the Premier not being exactly adapted for
publication.]








F U N.-NOVEMBER 21, 1863.


I "HOP LIGHT 'LOU!' "


~


No. "at.









NOVEMBER 21, 1863.] IF UT N 97


P2 Comic historic of itRatiiW,.


3ole pc Stontte.
CHAPTER I.-OF ORDINARIES.


THE LORD MAYOR AT EPPING.
[The LORD MAvYO, being desirous ofmaintaining the rights of the citizens of Lon-
don in the forest of Waltham or Epping to visit that picturesque spot occasionally
for the purpose of recreation, &c., has intimated to LirUr.-COLONi. PALM.Ir:t, the
verderer of the forest, and high sheriff of the county, his intention, previous to the
expiration of his year ofoffice (if a convenient day can be appointed), to visit that
locality with some of the aldermen and certain members of the common council, to


exerclie ltelr aniieent prlvilege f hullutng in this royal forest; upon which occasioll
WE commence our second book of Heraldry with the ordinaries or it will be the duty of the forest officers to attend upon his lordshipan their
charges, which, however, have no connection either with the Chaplain worships, and to contribute, as much as in their power, to show them sport.]
of Newgate, who is also an ordinary, or tables d'hote every day at one HEAVEN prosper long our noble mayor,
and four, or the prices paid to the Heralds for finding an heraldic coat. Council, and sheriffs all i
Sooner than so base an interpretation should prevail, the English A wondrous hunting there is like
King-at-Arms would hang himself in his own Garter, and Lion, the At Epping to befall.
Scotch King, would roar defiance and indignation mixed at the base
suggestion. No, the ordinaries or charges are the figures expressed For our LORD MAYOR has vowed a vow,
on a coat-of-arms, and though some may consider them to be merely That on an early day,
figures of speech, we shall proceed to explain them. In Epping he will laurels win,
Ordinaries are divided into two classes-the honourable and the sub- And bring a stag to bay.
ordinate, which latter might be called the dishonourable, only that His message to the verderer,
wouldn't be correct. Of the honourable ordinaries there are nine, in I trow he may not scorn ;
that resembling the Muses, and if we can only make the ordinaries Although, thinks he, 'twere strange to see
amuse, the likeness will be still further carried out. A MAYOR that blowsi.a orn.
First of all, as is to be expected, we have the chief." This charge
consists of a bar occupying the upper third of the shield. The corporation like the schom--
Next we have "the pale." This charge takes up the middle third No plan could please them more-
of the shield perpendicularly, and would seem, but for the spelling, For then they hope to see a hind;
better adapted to be borne in the arms of a housemaid than a knight. They ne'er saw one afore.
It has two diminutives, the pallet," half the size of the pale, which The gourmnands think their notion good,
clearly is intended as a cognizance for'a painter, who would, of course, lay Because they can contrive
the colour on extremely thick; and "the endorse," half the size of the To have high sport, because they think
pallet, the bill broker's own charge. One might not unnaturally ex- The deer'll be all alive.
pect the acceptance and the protest to follow, only they don'tet that the meeting
happen to exist in Heraldry.et that the m ting ma not be,
Thirdly comes "the bend," evidently intended for a polite man, My hope is I declare-
and consists of two diagonal lines from right and left. It has four di- I trust that Epping Forest will
minutives, "the bendlet," "the garter," "the coat," and "the ribbon." See neither horse nor MAYOR.
By the association of the two last, the cost" and "the ribbon," we For why --It grieves my heart to think
might almost be tempted to fancy that the Heralds, under the guise of (I oay it without scoff)
their science, were slily poking fun at the ladies. How, like the hunt, the huntsenn all
Fourthly, the bend sinister." This is the same as the bend," Would certainly "come off
only from left to right. It has two diminutives, "the scarp," and
"the baton," which latter smacks more of the orchestra than Heraldry,
and also suggests strikingly the policeman on duty. R SE AND FOLLOWER .
Fifthly, "the fess;" a bar occupying the middle third of the shield RUSSELL AND FOLLOWERS.
horizontally, over which we shall bolt to Ain--Apparent (very).
"The bar" itself, which is e sthe sixth ordinary, and only takes LORD RUELL, the diplomat, keeps a rare pack
up a fifth of the escutcheon. This is never borne singly, and when Lo couny kithe adio t, k
there are more than five bars the shield is said to be blazoned barry," Th s he has a m pusi e in
which naturally calls to mind the Revalenta Arabica food, and perhaps Of helping to national tin.
the name was invented by some grateful Herald restored to health i th pot an e aie he ala ontie
"after fifty years indescribable agony," by the use of that much Wi posts and emassies le always contrives
vaunted food. The bar has two diminutives, "the barrulet," and To plenih thei pokets s d gdden tleir lives;
"the closet," which we shall now shut up and proceed to Though he evr rstnd beth lie cutely do io say,
The chevron," the seventh ordinary. This is in the shape like a But hes res hoe E tnglishmen know !
rafter used to support a house, and hence is sometimes called "theB Whee a slie of their Icome Tx d
spar." For a fighting man in training this would be eminently hee a slce of their Income Tax doth go.
adapted. NOTE.-A feeling of personal respect and affection for our contri-
The eighth ordinary is "the cross." In Heraldry there are various butor induces us to publish the foregoing, and the same kindly feeling
kinds of crosses, but, as advertising tradesmen say, none others are induces us to suppress the remaining verses, in which a rabid parti-
genuine but the plain cross consisting of two bars, one horizontal sanship lbr some person named HUDSON is painfully apparent.-Ed, of
and the other perpendicular; we therefore beg our readers to beware FUN
of all spurious imitations calling themselves ordinaries.
Last of all comes the saltier," which is neither more or less than NOT AS BLACK AS IE'S PAINTED.
a ST. ANDiEW'S cross, and, in fact, is often so called both by German A "MR. JOHN HoOG, of Westminster College, London," is dc-
and Scottish Heralds. The last named gentlemen would, of course, sribed by a New ork correspondent, as "pleasing the pigs" to
lose no opportunity of glorifying their own country, and their pro- some extent in that city. He lectures n the Adamic origin of te
verbally canny character is seen by their seeking to obtain a larger oegro
measure of honour from the ordinary. negro.
Measure of honour from the o rdin r r "" lie has crowded audiences, makes money at 25 cents. a ticket, explodes all the
This ends the list of the onourable ordinaries" or charges. old theories about -ilite people, andl proves conclusively that Adam was a well-
In our next we shall deal with the "subordinate ordinaries," which built six-foot negr lieI proves it by the climate in the latitude where Aldan was
may be imagined as a kind of Heraldic cuisine, a li cook-shop, in Iborn ( ). Ile asserts boldly that Eve was a bright, intelligent mnlatto girl, and
contradistinction to the aristocratic dinners of the honourable proves it by a lock of Eve's hair, .. ch is very black and crispy."
ordinaries. We have heard of a dark night, but a thoroughly black eve isbeyond
___our experience. Go it, MRl. HooG, and return to your dark theory as
often as you like. We can't listen to such porca verba as yours. \We
wish well to the negro, but then there is no need to blacken your own
HIGHLY COMIPLIMENTARY.-A gentleman-it might have been the ancestors in order to promote his interests.
Theeiht odinryis"te ros."InHealry hee revarou btoinuce u t pblsh hefoeging ad hesae kndy eein


writer of this paragraph-lelt very uncomfortable nwa h uv aou
when, on going to sit for his photograph, he was asked by the artist,
who was by no means happy" in the pronunciation of some of his
words, whether he wished to have his "fool-face" taken.


THERE'S MANY A Goon TIIING SAID IN JEST."-That's true;
but there's many a better one said in FuN.


I


I









98 F TJ 1N. [NOvEMBER 21, 1860.


THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
CIIAPTER III.
OF THE NOSE.


SEC. 1.-OF ITS NATURE AND HABITS.
"Blow, blow, thou wintry wind."-Shakespeare.
THE nose is (or should be) the most prominent feature of the face.
Its local relation to the other facial organs is so generally known that it
is only necessary to state that it springs from the valley below the brow
of the man-mountain," that it pursues an undulating and irregular
course for some two or three inches, and that it finally discharges itself
into the pocket-handkerchief. As many rivers owe their existence to
the dissolved snow with which their native hills are covered, it may be as
well to state that the human nose is in no way indebted for its origin
to the melting eyes from between which it often rises. It is furnished
with two nostrils and a bridge. The latter is much used by the eyes
when they run over to pay each other a friendly visit. It is easily
amused-" tickled with a straw "-and is sometimes called the neighs-
all organ for obvious reasons. It is an effective wind instrument, its
most popular performance being Suoni la tromba intrepida!"
preceded by a running arrangement of the "Light Catarrh."
SEC. 2.-OFTHEVARIOUSORDERS OF NOSES.
Goodness knows !"-Popular 15jaculation.
INNUMERABLE orders of architecture are
employed in the conformation of the
human nose. The Grecian is, of course, the
order to which most attention is paid,
although it is an order which is very rarely
given. Among those most frequently
occurring, we find-
No. 1.-THE NOSE ARROGANT.-This
is accurately depicted in the accompanying
sketch. It is the property of the peer of the
fashionable novel and the wealthy cotton
broker of real life. It is often found in
Parliament : is accustomed to receive deputa-
tions and to express itself, on those occasions,
in general terms without committing itself
to anything. Although distantly affable to
bodies aggregate, it is haughtily insolent to
individuals.
No. 2.-THE NOSE TANTALIZING.-
Commonly found under demure, round
hats at the sea-side, and dancing with the
best set of men at evening parties. It can -
be saucy without being fast, epigrammatic
without being personal. It possesses a keen
sense of the ridiculous, and is usually found
between a pair of big brown eyes.
No. 3.-TIE NOSE CONTRADICTORY.--
This is a variety which is extremely common
among people of the churchwarden stamp.
It is also found (in a subdued form) at bar
messes, and under the wigs at the C. C. C.
It is a subject which most of us have often
been tempted to touch, as it presents plenty to
catch hold of. Want of space, however, and
a relentless editor, compel us to pass on to
No. 4.-TIIE NOSE DEFIANT.-This is a
nose from life. It is the property of our
landlady, and we are sorry to say that she
always brings it in with her when she comes
for the weekly rent. It is too horrible a
subject to dwell upon, so we will not apologise
for quitting it rather abruptly. Wetold her
last week, that if she didn't take care we
would put her in FUN, and now we've done it,
and we don't care.
No. 5.-TIIE NOSE DISCONTENTED.-
Common among middle-aged bachelors of a
punctilious turn of mind. Has rows with
club-waiters, box-keepers at theatres, and all
railway porters. Gets into a cab and orders
the driver to take him as far towards Charing
Cross as lie can for a shilling. Is devotedly
attached to little children, and never thinks
of swearing at them.


No. 6.-THB SNOUT UTNCOMPrnoISING.-
This is a puzzler. Our ruthless artist has
drawn this silhouette simply with the view
of fixing us, as we are bound by a frightful
oath, taken before several hundred magis-
trates, to write up to anything he chooses to
draw. It is more like him than any one we
know, and we incline to the belief that is
the sixpenny result of a five minutes' inter-
view with a seedy dealer in sticking-plaister,
on board a Gravesend steamer.


GOOD NEWS FOR GAROTTERS.

S T the last session of the Cen-
tral Criminal Court three fel-
lows were charged with having
committed a garotte robbery on

cian. The Italian, who had
lost his way, inquired of the
scoundrels the road to his
lodgings in Woburn-court
they were then in Holborn, and
instead of showing him the
proper way they took him to
I Arthur-street and there ga-
rotted him. He admitted
that he
"did not exactly know who took the
watch, because the pressure of the
arm round his neck rendered him
insensible. There was a lamp about
thirty yards off, by the light of which
he could distinctly recognize their
faces."
S They were discovered in a
thieves' kitchen and immediately identified.
At the close of the case,
The jury having consulted together for some minutes, said they believed
M'CArTHY to be guilty of the assault, but that there was no proof of his having com-
mitted the robbery.
MR. BARno MARTIN said the jury could not find him guilty of an assault under
the present indictment, and that therefore their verdict must be one of acquittal.
A verdict of Not Guilty was accordingly returned, and the three prisoners were
discharged.
Without venturing to question the good sense of a British jury's
verdict, we may be allowed to observe that we had hitherto imagined
that garotting attacks were usually made with the view of plunder,
and not simply for the fun of the thing; and that if three men
attacked you in the street and squeezed your throat until you became
insensible, the coeval loss of a watch or purse might not unreasonably
be attributed to the dishonesty of the garotters. However, of course
we were wrong, and nothing remains for us but to congratulate the
profession at large on their prospects for the forthcoming winter
season. If they can only choke their victim into insensibility they
need never fear a conviction for highway robbery with violence.



PATTER ON THE POTTER.
AIR-"Bonnie Dundee."
To the people of Burslem the Chancellor spoke,
May;old WEDGEWOOD'S prime crockery never be broke;
And each potter here, who loves money and fame,
Like old WEDGEWOOD make beauty his study and aim.
Come flower my cup, come figure my can,
With WOUVERMAN'S horses embellish my pan;
Unchain your ideas, let fancy go free,
And then send the best sample a present to me.
The Chancellor's mounted-his hobby he rides,
His speech in round periods gracefully glides,
And he stated doucee man) love of beauty obtains,
E'en in Pembrokeshire valleys and Spitalfield's lanes.
Come flower the cup, come figure the can,
Let BETHNAL delighted gaze on a bluepan;
Improve a man's mind,'twill keep morals straight,
Give him Art (if he goes without meat) on his plate.


I-









FUN.


SHUT UP, CLOSE.
THAT misguided person, CLOSE, sends the following intelligence
about himself to a Penrith paper :-
PORT CLOSE is really a most indefatigable man-one day corresponding with
the PRINCE OF WALES, the next, we learn from good authority, with no less a per.
sonage than the EMPEROR OF FRANCE, who, on Thursday last, October 22nd, has
written lMn. CLOSE a most gracious letter of thanks about his last volume of 'Tales
and Legends,' containing the grand poem on the late Royal marriage, which we
suppose MR. CLOSe has sent to the EMPEROR. In his new work, now in press, all
will doubtless be explained. We have omitted one special part of news. Ma.
CLOSie: informs us that he sent the EMPEEOR his own portrait (POET CLOSE'S), and
he was pleased to accept it; and thus the MAJESTY OF FRANCE has seen the face of
POET CLOSE."
There is no doubt CROsE has face enough for anything-even
for sending a volume 9f his own composing to our noble ally, and thus
assailing him in bad language. It appears, too, that he has been
"corresponding" with the PRINCE OF WALEs. We imagine the
correspondence was confined to one person-CLOSEly confined-for we
believe the PRINCE OF WALEs is not likely to encourage the folly of
a person who knows less about lines of poetry than loins of lamb.
Those noble personages, Emperors or Premiers, who pander to the
vanity of ignorance should remember that if they patronize such men
of (begging) letters," any respect they may wish to show to literature
afterwards is simply an insult to the intellect of the country.


THE TICKET-OF-" LEAVE."-A pawnbroker's duplicate.
VERY APPROPRIATE.-The watchmakers of Coventry are going to
present a handsome gold watch to MB. A. W. PEEL, who lately con-
tested the borough with ME. TREHERNE. It is so seldom that a man
is found anxious to be sent to Coventry that the present is very neces-
sary. ME. PEEL wants to be put up to the time of day. Perhaps,
however, the gift is a hint that affairs between MR. PEEL and
Coventry are wound up, in which case the only chance of his
getting returned is to go to the very worthy postmaster of the town
and allow himself to be considered a dead letter.
THE TIP FOR TIPTREE.-The VICEROY OF EGYPT has embarked an
immense amount of capital in farming improvements, steam ploughs,
etc. He is about to start a model farm on a large scale, and wants
some eminent English agriculturist to hold the direction of it. Here's
a chance for a noted razor of crops We shall expect before long to
hear that MECHI PASHA is in full force in Egypt, making a Tiptree-
upon-Nile for his Excellency.
THE FOOD MOST DESIRED BY MARRIAGEABLE YOOUN LADIES.-
A rent-roll.
WHO CAN BLAME HIM ?-We understand that the thief who lately
robbed MR. PAYNE, the judge, of his watch in Fleet-street, intends,
should he be caught, to plead in extenuation of his offence that "he
thought there could be no harm in easing PAYNE."
VERY LIKELY TO DISAGREE WITH HIM.-The new Diet of the
KING OF PRUSSIA.


SIR WILLIAM,


9AD


ADIEU I


GOSSIP OF THE WEEK.
ATHLETIC FEAT.-A retired tradesman lately took up his dwell-
ing in an aristocratic square. As a proof that this is no ordinary
feat, we may state that all the neighboring nobility have endeavoured,
but in vain, to remove it.
PEDESTRIANISM EXTRAORDINAEY.-An eminent pedestrian was so
little punished after accomplishing his ten miles in 15 minutes, that
he afterwards, and of his own accord, walked into a rump-steak
pudding, ran up a long bill, and when he got to the top, rested and
was thankful.
SPORTING.-An enterprising deer-stalker, in his anxiety to capture
a spendid Royal stag, recently fired off the top of Ben Nevis. As a
Cockney gillie remarked, this was summit like a charge.
A BRUTAL HUSBAND.-A mean-spirited fellow lately made an
impertinent remark to his wife about her extravagance in purchasing
a new three-guinea bonnet. He ended by putting nis foot in it.
MONT BLANC.-An adventurous member of ths Alpine Club has
just made a most successful ascent. It will shortly be on view.
UNWOMIxNLY OUTRAGE.-An innocuous young gentleman was
recently cut by a young lady to whom he was deeply attached. He
is understood to be seriously hurt.
PREPARATIONS FOR CHRISTMAS.-The usual Christmas waits will
be recruited this year by the addition of the Trafalgar-square fountains,
which have kindly consented to play all night. It is expected that
the Pluie des Pair" '11 be their most successful air, as they have been
rehearsing it for some time past.


NOVEMBEP. 21, 1863.]


_


j


Grand Scenafrom an unpublished Opera, The .Tlb of Isl.wich'," in
active preparation, to be prodded nex.rt Sessioln at the Theatre
Royal St. Stephen's.
(Enter PEELINO, otherivise "the Concoctor ;" smourfully h"e laments
the happy days gone by, and relates the story of the "job.")
RECITATIVE.
Peelino (with feeling).-Elswick, adieu Alas we now must part,
Although to do so almost breaks my heart.
The job was well contrived-but that is past,
Farewell it was too beautiful to last.
ARIA.
As I viewed those guns so charming,
England's enemies for warming,
So calculated, as I thought then, in their way,
How I thought they'd be successful,
Little thinking so distressful
A fiasco was approaching us one day.
That our hopes would be so blighted
When SIR WILLIAM first we knighted,
Never dreamt we, as we freely spent the tin,
Rather rashly, perhaps wrongly,
Tho' three millions somewhat strongly,
Perhaps was coining it a worthless gun to win.
(At this point PEELINO chaozges to a more familiar air.,
And here in England everywhere is roused great indignation,
That we've been done about the gun, and naught but reprobation
Awaits us now; there'll be a row in Parliament for certain;
On Elswick we decidedly had better drop the curtain.
For to support our man, we thought it right that each intruder
Who sought to rob him of his job should always be pooh-pooh'd, or
Kicked out at once; so every dunce who failel.t gain attention
From us, to France or Russia 'd dance, and t& sell his invention.
And in the bay where SATstmA reigns, I mean Kagosima,
The ARMSTBONG hundred-pounders none are found to praise, and
I'm ar.
Fraid that they have got a way of when most wanted failing;
The breech won't act, the vent gets cracked-in short, they're
always ailing.
So fare thee well, my AnMSTnONo guns,
Farewell for a very long while;
In spite of the Times
Playing Government chimes,
The public won't have any more ARMSTaoNG guns.


PEACE!
So it's "peace" after all our bluster
And bragging of aid to the Pole ?
We shall look on and see him trampled
Once more neathh the Czar's control.
Peace !-with a plentiful penning
Of sweet diplomatic notes;
While we swallow the leek that Russia
Has rudely crammed down our throats!
Peace!-though the bear was surly
And growled when we interfered :
EARL RUSSELL has helped the Russian fist
To a pull at our lion's beard.
Peace !-yes; of that let's babble,
Of commerce-and good for trade."
Honour and Freedom are words no more
For such lips, as ours are, made.
Peace !-with the broad-brim beaver,
Peace that sits twiddling her thumbs,
While to rapine, murder, dishonour,
A gallant people succumbs.
Peace! What peace can a nation
Like the English nation feel
While bleeding Poland is trampled
'Neath the Muscovite's savage heel-
With old men, women, and babies,
A prey to the Cossack's steel ?









FUN.


[NoVEMBER 21, 186i3.


'II'Ir1









'III' I


THE DAY AFTER THE BALL
Engaged Sister :-"I CONSIDER YOUR CONDUCT MOST UNSISTERLY. YOU COMPLETELY MONO-
POLISED REGINALD. YOU KNOW YOU DANCED WITH HIM SIX TIMES."
Edith (who is the most innocent little thing in the world) :-" DID I, DEAREST ? THEN IT
WAS ONLY MY WAY OF SLOWING A LITTLE POLITE ATTENTION TO A MAN WHOM MY DARLING
SISTER SO HIGHLY ESTEEMS! "
[And let us hope that the explanation is considered satisfactory.


A SEVERE BLOW.
THE terrible list of disasters at
sea during the recent gales should
be read over by every one. In so
doing one cannot fail to be struck
by the immense saving of life that
has been effected by means of the
boats of the National Lifeboat As-
sociation. The reports from all
the seaports along the coast have
chronicled the calamities that have
happened, and hardly one fails to
record the gallant services per-
formed by the society's craft, man-
ned by the crews trained and
equipped at the society's cost. So
great must be the extra expenditure
for rewards and repairs entailed by
the recent gales, that the society
will have some difficulty in "raising
the wind for the purpose of meet-
ing the increased demand on their
funds. We call upon our readers
at this stormy season to remember
those at sea, and by contributing
to this excellent institution, spend
their mite on those upon the main.

A HERCULEAN FEAT.-On Tues-
day it was announced in the Admi-
ralty Court that the Great Eastern
had been arrested by the Marshal
(MR. JONES) on a claim of 6,000
for damages done by her in a col-
lision with the Jane. We should
think MR. JONES must be a relative
of DAVY JONES-at all events he
must be a very great man to be
able to take up" the Great
Eastern with such ease.
LATEST IN RACING TIPS.-2 to
1 against Onion for the "Beef
Stakes."
ADVICE 10 RACING MEN.-
Never "back a Bill."
NONSENSE !-When we "kill
time," is one of the results "dead
midnight ?"
OF COURsE IT DOEs.-What?
Why, a "hand-book" .puts the
subjects contained in it at our
"fingers' ends."


ADDRESS OF THE MEN OF SOMERSET TO
CAPT. SPEKE.
["The magistracy in quarter sessions assembled have determined to give a
dinner and ball in his (CAPT. brEKE's) honour."-Sherborine Journal, Nov. 5.
On! welcome, gallant traveller, brave hero of the Nile !
Old Somerset hails thy return to Britain's seagirt isle ;
And lest the fetes of London should on thy senses pall,
We bid thee to our county feast-invite thee to our ball.
For thee we bid no sculptor the storied trophy raise;
We bid no poet signalize thy deeds in lyric lays;
We give no body corporate to hold in lasting trust
For the brave sons of Somerset her hero's marble bust;
But as a mark of our respect, more lasting than them all,
We ask thee, hero of the Nile, to grace our county ball.
Tho' in degenerate London they voted an address,
Tho' savans geographical to honour thee may press,
Though on thy shoulder Majesty the accolade may lay,
And history may carve thy name in lines that mock decay,
And though our progeny may boast for many a year to come,
Our fair and smiling Somerset was the brave hero's home,-
Her magistrates and townsmen, and gentry, great and small,
Invite thee, gallant traveller, to grace our county ball.
For there shall maids and matrons greet thee with winning smiles,
The misses (not alfiancce) display a thousand wiles,
And ladies from the mansion and ladies from the Hall
Shall battle for the honour of opening the ball;


And those whose pets are curates (at least in Holy Week)
Will struggle and contest the point, "Who shall first dance with
SPEKE ;"
And girls with Grecian features, and ringlets black as jet,
And merry blondes with golden hair, daughters of Somerset,
And haughty dames patrician, and country farmers' wives,
Shall reckon that eventful night the proudest of their lives,
If by some lucky fortune they chance to win a smile
From thee, oh gallant traveller, brave hero of the Nile.
Our catalogue is ended, oh! answer this our call,
And gladden all our daughters' hearts by coming to our ball.

MOST FULLY ACCOUNTED Fon.-The reason, no doubt, why people
don't like to sit down thirteen to dinner is because, under those cir-
cumstances, they must necessarily be at sixes and sevens with each
other."
TRUTH IS SOMETIMES STRANGER THAN FICTION."'-He who is
not fond of the fiddle must be a pagan ninny-a PAGANINI.
SIR J-N P-K-G-N, who always has thought the present Admiralty
Board a set of muffs, says that the Marine Lords might very well
have known that the Royal Oak could never stand the open sea,
as her natural position would, as a matter of course, be in Bays-
water.
SEEMINGLY VERY UNFAIR.-When the yearly selection of pic-
tures for admission to the Royal Academy" is made, it's generally
the best that "go to the wall."


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, New lhridlc-strcet, Ludgate-hbll, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CIARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E,C.-Nov. 21, 1863;


,,,









NOVEMBER 28, 1863.] TU N. 101



I "jiQI-' POPULAR SONGS.


/,





/


--zr-

AFTER MANFRED.
HERE WE HAVE LITTLE POPPER, WHO HAS BEEN TO DRURY LANE (AND SOME-
WHERE ELSE, AFTERWARDS), SHOWING MRS. P. HOW MISS ROSE LECLERQ SAYS
"MANFRED!"
S[Mrs. P. is much delighted.


Yo oNG Vilikins is with pretty Jane,
In the cottage by the sea;
lie whispers soft, For auld lang sync,
Perhaps you'll remember me."
The mocking-bird is in a cage,
And sings MSy Mary Anne;"
The Perfcct Cure is on a tour,
Along with the bashful man.
Fair Maud is in the garden still;
Dog Tray's too old to bark;
The curly-headed plooughboy now,
You find up with the lark.
As Sister Mary died so soon,
Necll Bly expects a warning;
Bob IRidley sings the whole night long
We won't go home till morning.


Jim Crow, so nmch renowned of old,
llas married Bllack-eyed Sue;
And Uncle Sa:1 hali bought a broom,
Of the dark girl dressed in blue.
Auld ]obin Gray, in Dixie's land,
From home has had good news ;
And if lolhn Brown might be a flower,
A daisy he would choose.

TIIE LAST OF THE BARONS.
FECIITER'S made another hit,"
So the papers say ; but, marry,"
Asked th' exchequer's brilliant wit,
"Can he make another Parry ?"

"OFF WITI IIIS HEAD."
THE Post-Office authorities have discovered
that obliterated stamps have been, after under-
going a chemical process, reissued to a great
extent, and have evaded detection. The" hun-
dred-headed appears to have discovered that,
as regards postage one head is better than
two," if you can make it do duty twice.


.4


RAILWAY INTELLIGENCE.
A LITERARY friend of ours who has long been in the daily habit
of smoking a quiet pipe on the bridge over the Railway
station, near which he resides, has discontinued the practice. He
finds the quiet pipe on the railway bridge very conducive to the flow
of thought, but is decidedly adverse to "getting ideas above his
station."
The station-master at the same place has recently commenced the
study of the rudiments of Latin grammar. He conceives it to be tho
duty of every railway official to be well up in his accidence."
The porter on duty tried an experiment the other evening. A train
being stationary at the platform, and a quick express coming close after
it, he displayed a white light instead of the red one customary in such
cases. The collision and smash which immediately followed proved
his experiment to be a "signal" failure.
A ticket-collector was the other day detected in saying "if you
please" to the passengers in a third-class penny-a-mile carriage while
Asking for their tickets. For this and other acts of civility to the
penny-a-milers he was most properly dismissed, his conduct and
language being decidedly "un-parliamentary."
An eminent member of the teetotal fraternity, who has left London
to reside a few miles down the line, has been cut by all his brother-
abstainers, he having stated as his reason for dwelling out of town
that "he liked his bit o' rail of a morning."
A betting-man of our acquaintance strenuously protests against
going by the 12.40 train, for he says "it is twenty to one if you are
there in time."
The station-master being asked by him when the next train would
start, declined to discuss the matter, which he said was quite an
"next-train-eous" one.
The directors of the -- Railway have discharged all the men
whose duty it was to rub the engines bright. They have been urged

S*yOL.t ."


to this step by a consideration for the safety of their line, it being
well known that lines are rapidly effaced by engine-rubber."
Stokers who ride behind the engines are henclforth to be examined
before starting on their journeys, as to how much silver they have
about them, as if it amounts to more than forty shillings it would
not be a legal tender."
In most trains there are compartments reserved for ladies, to which
none but females are admitted ; while in others, in connection will
the Post-office, there are carriages entirely devoted to conveying the
mails.,
We should have been glad-to announce, by way of finish, that
railway directors were at length aroused to the fact that their true
interest is to study the comfort and safety of the public, their
customers ; but we regret to say that Railway Intelligence" has not
reached this point as yet.

FOR TIE CONSIDERATION OF OVER-PAARTICULAR" MAMMAS.
"Is there any great harm in the mistletoe's bough ?"
We agree on this social question with those
Who hold that if kissing takes place anyhow,
'Tis best it were thus, and not-" under the rose!"
CURSORY REMARKS BY A MAGISTRATE.-At the Dorchester
Sessions, SIR JOHN LETIIBRIDGE made some cursory remarks upon
the cus-tom of taking oaths in court, which he strongly objected to,
and by which he asserted he was prevented from taking his seat for
the county of Somerset. We should recommend his settling in
Greece, which has recently renounced an OATrI-o.
A DELICATE COMPLIMENT.-Sl'unGEON has remonstrated lately
with the young ladies at his chapel for fainting away so often. lie
ought to know better. With feminine tact they are offering faints to
a sham.










FilTh


[NOVEMIBE 28, 1863.


TOWN TALK.
BY THE L NCHEn AT THE PUBS.
S 01OD STAMFORD has retired
--, from the turf-and, no won-
S der! He is convinced that
"" foul play has been practised
':'" *: with his horses, and does not
consider chicken hazard one
i'" ', of the legitimate chances of
.racing. When we add to
S'this the scaly" conduct of
S ". ,. some one in the weighing-
fl room on the occasion of the
SCambridgeshire, we really
\ wonder that any gentlemen
S- remain connected with the
S- turf. It is difficult to under-
Sstand how any nobleman will
i *, -.. .. 2 set foot on it-except with
'" -.. the intention of rushing it.
A great deal of fuss is made
-' about the revival of the prize
'' ..-- .' "Ring," but to judge from
''- the description of it in. tha
; M'- Morning Post the RiIng" a
-- Newmarket is not madit
better conducted, if as welt.
Accusations of the gravest description are bandied about with tht
greatest nonchalance, and to top it all one of the largest speculators
withdraws without paying up, retorting upon the indignation of his
betters (and that's not saying much for them) with All my eye, end'
Bllyt Martin !" If such are the doings of the tribe no one will regret
the extinction of the race.
T'' EAR .tn or LEITRIM, who lately distinguished himself, has been
sat upon by his brother magistrates, and they have given a verdict
against him. It must be acknowledged that his jacket has been pretty
well (lt:I)-trimmed by this time, and it is a matter of regret that the
liouch should have carried their retribution so far as to refuse a re-
rnewal of licence to the landlord who was, in fact, nothing more than a
helpless tool in the earl's hands. I am glad to see LIou CIARLYLE
takes the same view, and has interfered in the poor man's behalf.
One of the amusing fe:altres of the case (which may be described as
one of "cutting and Mlaaming") is that the Leilrim Express takes up
the lcdgels in the earl's defence iti so awkward a manner as to give
liim a rap over the knrickles. It says:--
hi. has his fa.iings like other men ; but his peculiar frame of mind which some
ima1 ini e tionuld unlit himi for a judicial position, contributes considerably to his
efforts to maint'itn peace ianid eniorce order in districts once lawless in the country."
This is quite as Icft-handed a compliment as that of the Irish barrister.
who congratulated a .j.,i.i ,i;. judge on his ability to see both sides of
ai q(itestiuO at the samie titue.
Ttl;: ';:IT I'E;:R OtF 'Tli' FRENcnI is certainly the sensational ruler
par e.r'i'-ice. lie has been enlarging on Tennyson's notion of
The Parli.:ment. of main, the Federation of the world."
lie is inviling all the rulers of Europe to have a congress and wash
their dirty linen in Paris. It is a pretty safe proposal-first of all it
is not likely the powers "ill consent, and secondly if they do he is
much in the same position as the brass pot aihj invited the earthen
one to keep him company, as they were carried away by the flood.
TIrE Vice-Chlanellor has decided that the Colleen Bawin is not
proeteuled by the l)ramatic Copyright Act, on account of its having
been ir.st prodneed in America. How unfortunate it is to be so pro-
lilie in wiolrks of imagination as MR. BouCICAULT. The Vice-Clhai-
clior said that the author of the Colleen Baurn "had withhelll ihe
fact that the piece had bccn played in America-and more than ithi't,
denied that it had been so represented." Itis evident that when ow e
h:ts written so niany dramatic fctitons, it is quite impossible to fix ont
the exact dates and places of first representations. This is one of the
curses of genius.
N U)Ru's balloon is at the Crystal Palceo, where it attracts great
nt mention. Its proprietor has visited Sydenlrim. where hle is sitting to
the talented artist of the Vilto"in Cross Gallery as the hero of Cars
and s.ars. I have not heard whether he intends positively to try a flit ht
so late in the year. There are a good many people to be consulted
before he can do so, and he has finally to obtain the ascent of the
balloon.


AN INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS.
Loous NAPOLEON is inviting the European powers to a Congress.
Congress and coup d'dtdt both begin with the same letter, as any one
may c. We would, therefore, warn those who listen to his flattering
tale to think of their own heads. It is impossible for any reflecting
man to place any confidence in the author of the murderous coup
d'tdLt, however plausible he may find it needful for his purposes, to'
be. We grant him credit for all the good he has- done ; but we cannot
help-doubting whether he is not reversing the Romanist formula, and
doing good that evil may come of it. We have read the fable of the
wblves and the sheep, and remember what. was the fate of the flock
when LUPus NAPOLEON proposed a general armistice and a dismissal
of sheep-dogs. We should not be surprised if a universal disarming
were not advised by the French Emperor, who at the same time would
suggest-just for the benefit of posterity and the curiosity of the
thing-the establishment of a large museum of all the requisites and
munitions of war in Paris. He would of course invite all the powers
to contribute, as the articles they would supply could be- of no further
use to themselves, and would much add to the value of the collection. \

A MODISTE MA&N.
GOeN AL LEwcnINE, the Russian Cbmmandant, has issued the
following order of fashion to the ladies ofF'oland:-
"The bonnet must be worn of mixed colours,, oa it black, must be set off ,1th
flowoeve andiribbons, but not white ribbons. White or black feathers in black hats
are forbidden. Black cloaks may be worn if' lined with any colour but black or
white.. Black gloves, veils black or black, and lwhit;,.umbrellas, shawls, handker-
olhefs, or burnous, are strictly prohibited.-By order,. LawcuutrE."
It will be seen by this that his chief anxiety is to; prevent the
public' from appearing in the uniform black which he desires to mono-.
polize for his guards and himself. There is something brutally mean
and cowardly in this war upon women. It soc utterly degrades and
dishonours the Russian nation that we cannot understand any English-
manpa diplomatist though he be, sitting down at the same table with
the emissaries- of such a ruffianly Government.


THE SONG OF THE ARMSTRONG GUN.
I'VE the country cost many a pound,
I'm bound,
And now upon trial I'm found
Unsound!
Oh, the Government plan,
To stick fast to one man,
Was just certain to bring them aground,
Aground,
Was just certain to bring them aground !
Had they called all the skill far and nigh,
To try,
And in perfecting artiller-y
To vie,
Much more cheaply at last
They'd have got at, a vast
Improvement on such things as I,
As I,
Improvement on such things as I!
I am all very well in my way,
You'll say,
But too much for their whistle to pay
Had they.
So much cracked-up," no wonder
I "busted" in sunder,
The deuce with their notions to play,
To play,
The deuce with their notions to play I

AN EPIGRAM.
Ordered to li-oni table.
LIows of bronze, SIR EDWIN; yet the caster
Is not so far upon his way as plaster.
The people are complaining: you, they say,
Fingered the metal long before the clay.

THE OPIx.A DI C irr eu.-Photographic Albums.
GoING ON SWIMMrINGY.-The Admiralty, under pretence ot going
on swimmingly, have in ken to themselves one PHINN, as counsel and
Judge Advocate of the fleet.


.. a."


__ __








Nu\vr:,I;i;R 28, 1863.] F U N 10:1


LI VES OF EMINENT STATESMEN. The book is well written' and in soni pictu'ire" lue r i""ns tihe l colors
(water, of course) are laid on as well as if the t'lhlsea waterworks had
No, 65.-JOHn FRANCIS MAGUJIRE, ESQ., M.P. had a hand in it. In other parts we meet with ll flow of eloquence
worthy of the spout of that spring from which tile liquid F.v'rm:1u
TrTE city of Cork is famous for a good many things. It has one of MATHEW preached is derived.
the finest harbours in Great Britain, ii lh....-- i all its shores are Lee
shores. It possesses a court-house, two prisons, a house of correction,
a mansion-house, a penitentiary, a dispensary, two hospitals, one for l a mif rist orir 1iiril rir
fevers, the other Tfr foundlings, two infirmaries, and a lunatic asylum- 0 t ,
not including two Coves. One of these Coves is an island about nine
miles below the city. The other is JOHN FRANCIS MA IGUIRE, ESQUIRE,
and knight of the shire. 33l1e gc -tcrontr.
He first saw the light in that city in 1815, and no doubt saw plenty
Sof it, for Cork s proverbially light. As it is also a bark, it is not a CHAPTER II.-OF OnDNAnREs.
matter of wonder that its sons should be fond of giving tongue on HAVING passed over our first course at the ordinaries, which was of
very slight grounds. They are not, however, mere talkers instead of a strictly honourable kind, we now come to the second or subordinate
doers. On the contrary, they are r, her quarrels me, possibly on sorts. These number in all fourteen, which form our present course,
account of the quantity of tannin' -at enters into the composition and we will now proceed to cook them for the palates of our readers,
* of coik. making up by the sauce for the heaviness of thio food. I raldry is
Where he was educated we have been unable to ascertain. It is ge"rally known to be a dr sujct; so n thi hoinopathic princil
probable that he was educated previously to his qualiliying for a that "like cures like" we will add a little chair.
barrister. Such a course is not the invariable rule. We are assured by First of all we have the gyron." This ordinary is formed by a
a learned magistrate at the Westminster police court that in most cases line drawn from the right hand corner to the fcss point or niddlle of
within his experience Irishmen are called to the bar before they are the shield, meting another straight line draw11 froi1 the 1111 s: idii ;il
brought up. the whole giving us the idea that at lirst tlie invenltor liad intendedly
It was in the year 1843 that MR. MAGUIRE was called to the bar of to insert a triangle into the escutcheon, and ihen tlhghlit betl r of it,
Ireland. We suspect he did not practise much, having two years and only put a half one in. When there are six, eight or ten gyrons
previously started a newspaper, and attending therefore more to his in the lield the blazoning is called gyromiy, just n the same princile
own writings than other people's wrongs. He, in short, followed his that boys term a pudding with more than the usual allo:mnce of
leaders in the press instead of those on circuit. raisins a plumniy pudding.
In 1847 he contested Dungarvon, but the electors declined to listen Next comes the "quarter,?' which, lts its nane denotes, occupis a
to his representations, or trust him with theirs. Nothing daunted, he, four f th al s in theo exter chief or, to hrlie
in his capacity as a barrister, moved for a new trial in the May of c raldic jargon to the language of coimion life, in the right hand u.itcr
1851, when he made a great exhibition of his powers, but with no orner. It is a plin squrac, like ei-ester-suar, wh ich si st i it
success invalid statue and unhaplpy tr s--i ill gination can gn so lir as to
In the following year, however, he tried again, and the people of consider the wretched sticks that fill upl the inclosure as such--w
Dungarvan determined to try him in their turn. He appears to have tak to be about the plainest square in hLodu s.
given them so much satisfaction that they still give him, at each ir d on we go again to the "canton," im ordinary precisely the sult,
election since, those returns for his services which enable hinm to take as the quarter, only smaller, occupy ing ne -fifthi instead of oan c-fiorl
a bird's-eye view of the Treasury Benches from his seat below the of the escutcheon. It is sulposed to represent thce annier brle by
Knigits Bmuierets, which wvas ofa: smiiall size, as those kmiiglts ocre
gangway. We may observe, en passant, that his own return seems to of ll i o l
be the only parliamentary return with n h;ich he appears satisfied. created on the ed of attie, where it was but im t d th ie supply
Mn. MAcGURE is a Liberal, and one of the PoPE's Own. In other i tiig for new flags s'onil run hmi t, is it as s-a rutily riil thi.
words, lie is that peculiarly Irish Liberal, who expects all the ia nids o nuld tike soe with irove on te s ce I to lohisy fortg off l
advantages of Liberalism from others, and all the privileges of Con- heads of h is enemies should rove a shi t o initl to ory fr himi.
servatism for himself. His principles, in short, may be described as a Our next ordinary is the "fre-ot that we idnts d ti o s, sp,,i
political game of Heads I win, tails you lose"--that peculiar form of inte coitriary. It is brnmed b two narrow cendlctls lialed 1 ,cl reral ,
w~hat is generally considered a matter of chance, which ensures binte-laccd by a small square. Somiet iies it has bicen calh- t (ld i" I1 ecllsd'
what is generally considered a matter of chance, which ensu true lovers'knot," d we eed scarcely mention the alpprlopriat(cniss
1 ces s t proposer h Ten ue, of the connection between love and fret, which uost 1le apl]ari(nt lo the
i-e is a member of the' 'Tenant-league," and dreams of self- hes 1 n the cscutcltcon is covered will these Ir" o
government" for Ireland which means, we imagine, a general faction i le nest capac ity. When the escutcheon is covered with these .trit
fight. As might -be expected of such a Liberal, he voted for Lo lovers' knots it is terid o od o e rly I
DERBY'S Reform Bill, a measure which had some weight with the fidi ll a nu belief had been chu i th latolySi o knot one
Irish members, 9n account of promised concessions in their favour to especially if the belief d been ch preserish ved that oiy the huot of' one
bean, and that oue yourself, had been pireserved P
follow on its passinGg. Fifthly conies the "pile," which is in shape like a long, narrow
MR MMAGUIRE is S r GEORGE BowYER'S right-hand man in the
PoPE's Own Brigade. He may. be described very correctly-for ;* i wedge, and must have ben discovered by a lcrald of' dcstr tivc lro-
Irishman-as playing second fiddle in the Brass Band, and as a most pensities trying to split a shield by driving a wcdge tlhereinl, land fil-
efficient soldier in the army of the respectable old person popukirly mu in the attempt, left the wedge is disgust and elristeld it ain
styled Is lo SS. from his peculiar aptitude to get into ordinary. It exactly represents a pile oil which bridges aro built ; nor
styOned of I SS from his peculiar aptitudes is, that the "rale" ay car we he surprised at this, as the Heralds invariably had an arch way
One of AIR. MAGUiRE's strangest notions is, that the rale" way .
to find a cure for Irish famine is the railway ; and accordingly, having with them.
conjured up pictures of hungry crowds, which generally prove to be To proceed, we have the "erc," a kind of rdiner boder or fr;ain
empty rumours, he calls on Government to tender food in the form of by tain two shieldats, one a largion and the otrdi er consider daily
steam-enginesby taking two hats, one a large ize nd the otlr onsideably
steam-engines. 1 sniallcr, cutting oiln tile brimis and placing ono within tho other, fltlton
In his speaking, he appears to affect a studied ebullition, as a corn- sller, utting off the brims and placing one w in the otr, all tat
pliment to his native town, for it would seem to hint ie had been bo to the required shape, and then you ave antor, -iver, fact all usethat
well-Corked. In spite, however, of his feigned Distress in Ireland," iswatted. \Ve should advise the experiosntor,s however, nut to use
it does nbt remind one of champagne; and if it even reminds us of a hat belonging to himself lfor the trial, but choose those of visitors
cider it is because he is such a strong partisan. Besides being a sta ing in the house, a they cannot, while enjoying your aldospitaliy,
politician, he is, as we have mentioned, a literary man. He wrote, in make a roJ or offer objections to this pursuit of Hleraldic sc-iouhe,
1857, Rome and its Ruler" (which some people, by the way, are especially if they don't discover it until after the deed is accomplished.
inclined to call a stick ; but we hope he won't do so long). For the W e shall now pause, as though we have described six of the sub-
first edition of this work Mn. MacuIIR was made a knight- ordinate ordinaries, we have no wish that our readers should bu half a
commander of the order of ST. GREGOnY, and for the second -lie dozin.
received a gold med
He has recently published u life of PFTrIEsn MAT. rW, the A DUnMB-WAITER."-" Patience on a montnicnt."
temperance preacher. Such a task see-ms a peculiar one for the Cork
Exiamiiner, as he may be fairly described, who, as editor, managed the A QUEsT'ioN FO l' PHLENotLOuIST.-- Wllnl a, mean hs a i(ar
Cork-screw-tiny. It must be remembered, however, that though lie is head," does it follow that there's "nothing in it ?"
a native of Cork, the borough he represents is situate in Waterford. ', SIL.NT HIGH1 WATY."-Cutting poor relations.









104 FIJ N. [NoVIEKsi 28, 1SG3.


HOW THE INVITATION WAS RECEIVED!
IALwAYs desirous of keeping our millions of readers well informed
on the current events of the day, directly we heard that our august
ally. the EM~PEROR NAP-(Lzcu.z a non lucendo, so called from his
well-known wide-awake character)-OLEON was about to issue invita-
tions for a Congress of sovereigns, half-sovereigns, and even the small
change of royalty, to consider the present state of affairs, we felt it our
duty to discover how the imperial message would be received. To will
and to do are with us synonymous terms. The tap of communication
was at once turned on, and the required draught of knowledge obtained.
At several of the courts, however, objections were at first raised to our
ambassador being present when the august letter arrived, but on the
presentation of the last new number of FUN, as a credential, the
combined wit and wisdom therein contained everywhere put to flight
all cavillings at our presence.
England.-Of course, as a lady I can't attend, and who is there
to send P If JOHN goes he is sure to get into some mess; look what
a dreadful business he made of it at Vienna! How I wish PAM
himself would take the matter in hand !
Prssia.-Sapperloth! It's all very well for him to summon
Congresses; he hasn't got a right divine to maintain, or a constitution
that don't agree with him. And I know he would like to get hold of
my Rhine, Donner wetter !
Russia. Ha! ha! a Congress! Very good. With all my
heart! But if he thinks I'm going to pay any attention to the rotten
treaties of 1815, and let my Poles have their liberty, he'll find himself
mistaken, that's all!
Austria.-What is he up to now ? Wants me to give up Venice,
I suppose; and perhaps he'll promise me another licking as in 1859,
if I don't.
Belgiumt.-Deary me! I wonder what's the matter? He's a
married man already, so it's nothing in the match-making line.
Shouldn't be at all surprised if it was a little arbitration business.


Italy.-Corpo di Baccho I don't half like going. NAP's too
clever for me; and I can't afford to part with any more provinces,
even to gain Rome.
Spain.--Here's an unexpected honour! Invited to a Congress !
and this comes of being civil to his wife !
Sweden. Yes, I'll go. Perhaps I may get back Finland from
those thieves over the way !
Denmark. Congress? Certainly If he'll guarantee me
Schleswig and Holstein; that would be doing some good; but if not, I
don't see the use of it.
As for the rest of the kings and kinglets they were only too pleased
at being noticed at all to have any opinion on the subject.

HOUGHTON-TIMORUMENOS.
LORD HOUGHTON-late MR. MONCKTON MILNES-has been lec-
turing on the "Poetic Faculty" at Edinburgh. He made a very
good speech on the subject, and let fall some valuable hints. The
remark which we lay most store by, however, was this:-" My first
counsel is to any man who believes himself endowed with the
poetical faculty;-spend your last shilling, if your poetic zeal so
blinds you, in giving your poems to an ungrateful public." In that
sentence his lordship at length enlightens us as to the reason.
hitherto inscrutable, which induced him to publish, and also as to what
is his opinion of the public.

"I'M KILT ENTIRELY."-The youthful Premier is to preside on
the 30th instant at the anniversary festival of the Scottish Hospital
at the Freemasons' Tavern. The kilt is a sine qud non, we believe,
so we suppose the noble lord will have to appear in what we can
hardly call the "full dress" of the occasion, unless he manages to beg
off as a special plaid-er.
A "' SHADOW' OF DOUBT."-A ghost.


:i
1
:I

r
i

.r



i



rl


.>'-/" ---= I .. -
--





'1 -














LITERAL OR FIGURATIVE'.
_, .. r Bo? to hTVip :-" I sAY, BEN, THERE'S A HORRID RIP IN TOU1T COAT!







r U N.-NovEm 28, 1863.


1












"THE BILL OF FARE."
Waiter (loq.) :-" ENTREZ, MONSIEUR, I SPEAK ZE ENGLISH, WE HAVE SOUP D'ITALIE,
ZE TURKEY-"
Jdhn Bull (interrupting him) :-" DON'T STAND THERE PARLEZVOUS'ING, SHOW ME YOUR
BILL OF FARE."









NOVEMBEi 28, 1863.]


FUN.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY..
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF THE DAY.
BOOK X.-AFTER TEN YEARS.
BY W-LKIE. C-LL-NS. Author of The Woman in White with No
Name or Address," &;c, &c.

TEN years-years of vicissitude, of trial, and of passion-had
passed since we last saw, After Dark, the-Woman with the Long
White Hair. Ten years-years of speculation, of activity, and of
success-had passed over the head of CAPTAIN PHILIP DOMBEY
since we left him in friendly converse with the muscular p rson on
the Irish coast. Ten years-years of energetic effort-had grizzled
the hair of ROGER STNES since he trolled his robber ditty amidst the
felons. of New. York. GRABBER the inspector, ,PETULENGRO the
gipsy, all were older by a decade.
Slowly but surely the appointed hour was drawing nigh when
these personages, separated so long, should meet once more; when
the Dead Secret for which as yet I have No Name should be revealed.
Themselves scarcely knowing what they did, they drew gradually
nearer to each other, across continents and seas-across gulfs of
passion and oceans of guilt that were yet more difficult to cross.. The
picture whose outlines had been sketched so carefully, and by so many
different artists, was about to be unfolded in its terrible completeness
-its mysterious unity.
To illustrate what had happened during these ten years-to eluci-
date what were the relative positions of our character at the time
when the action of our story was resumed, a few excepts from the
private diaries, which are invariably kept by all the individuals with
whom I have any literary connection, may now be given.
FROM THE JOURNAL OF LUCRETIA FLOYD.
They have applauded me to the echo. With the noise of their
worthless plaudits still ringing in my ears-with the simulated passion
of the stage still rolling, like a ground-swell after a storm, through
my worn and weary heart, I shall devote a few hours to autobiogra-
phical composition. It is my only comfort with one exception, which
I forbear to name.:
Having partaken of the latter, I will now proceed to write.
It is!past midnight. The cat is sitting cosily by the fire; but at
times she shows her claws through their velvet covering. Methinks, I
should like to be a cat!
How long ago it seems! The storm-the first meeting with
DOMBEY upon the deck, and that wild hour when I bent above him,
the lightning flashing round my face, the sharpened dagger glitter-
ing in my hand-all, all seem to have almost vanished into the dim
past.
The gipsy camp-the mysterious invitation of MR. PETULENGRO-
the sudden mention of the name of SYKES--the rapid flight-all pass
once more before me. 'SvKEs-but no! Not even in the silence of
the night, and in the loneliness of my own apartments, dare I write
the frightful Secret which made me dread the very sound of his
abhorred name.
How and where could DosIBEY have heard it? That for the
present is his secret; but it shall not long remain so !
Yes, ladies whom I moved to tears-yes, gentlemen who shouted
"Bravo" as I rah' from H sharp in the dominant to. the staccato
arpeggio of the minor F-yes, the great songstress lives not: to please
you, but to gratify a feminine curiosity, and then to die. .",
Not alone, however Others will share her fate !
a a *
I think that I was not -more unhappy when I danced and sang be-
fore a rustic crowd, who gaped with idle curiosity at my artificial Long
White Hair, What would DOMBEY think of me did he know that
I had been a village mountebank-and SYKEs-but hold-that way
madness lies!
Yes, madness! I feel it burning in my brains, throbbing in my
temples, and coursing through my arteries.

The Well!--the W d~ ;:l the Garden-the Groom-ha! can the
dead speak ? Tusn--'t.was but the cat.
s a *
I know that DoMBu- V loves me. I can read it in his eyes as
they look into .mine; what does he read there ? Love? The silly
soldier thinksso. There-I use him for my own ends. IIe has pro-
posed marriag-. Let me endeavour to set down the reasons for and
against accepting him :


1. Iie.is exceedingly rich, hL3ugh I do not yet know the sources of
his wealth.
2. He is certainly good-looking and. attentive.
3. He appears to be submissive.
On the other hand, there are a. few reasons why our union should
be postponed:
1. I hate him like poison. ..
2. I am never happy in his company.
3. I am already-but no That is part of my Secret. Let it re-
main so !

It is in vain that I endeavour to c c'liend the mystery of the
little bag that he carries so constantly about with him. low childish
-how idle-how improbable his story that it was bequeathed to him
by an old retainer in the hour of approaching death lMarried, I
could soon worry the secret from him. I think I will consent to bo-
come Mhs. DoMBEY, after all.
My life is very dull and solitary. Newspaper critics prate about my
winning artlessness. Ha there was a time, but it has long passed
away.
Four How mournfully sound the chimes through the dull night-
air The very cat seems drowsy. I must to bed--to bed !
I have posted up my journal. That is a nIelancuholy 'consoliaion.
Let me seek another.
There is not better bra-but I must pause. Yet, let nme say it boldly.
There is not better brandy in London. To-morrow this passagee shall
be erased.
FROM THE JOURNAL OF CAPTAIN PIIIIu' DOMillY.
W HAT a wonderful run of luck is mine As T sit here, alone, in
the grey of the morning, I am ten thousand pounds richer than yester-
day.
When I left the opera, after listening to my divine LuFTm'II A, lnd
proceeded to the little house off Piccadilly, I found every one still
talking of my last conp. I have given them something fresh to talk
about now.
The bank was never broken before !

More and more am I puzzled to understand my own existence.
Two years ago, a rover on the prairie, with rough trappers, ri-idvarnt
burglars, and other children of nature for my sole companions,; I am
now a member of the most fashionable clubs ij London, and reputed,
not without reason, to possess enormous wealth.
Let me light another cigar.
The more a fellow thinks about it, the more astonishing it is, you
know.
There was the fight in the harranca, when my devoted old SYITKs
was slain-I suppose-by the Indians; the escape-the discovery of
the nugget-the journey to New York-the voyage over to Ireland-
the storm-the horrible Dream of Murder-the Irish conmst-the
gipsy camp-the strange flight of LucBuETlr--tho temptations of MR.
'ETULENGRO-the morning meeting witlj the plarson-wllat a series
of passionate adventure and of wild excitement!
If I happened to be a literary fellow, you know, I really Ihink I
should write it all in a book.
From what source came those mysterious renittances which, when
I was abominably hard up, about two years after I lefl, New York,
suddenly made sunshine in that very shady place-- y ,pocket ? Shall
I ever know ? Why, in point of fact, should I trouble myself about the
question ? As long as ever quarter-day brings me a handsome sum,
why should 1 seek for further information ?
'* *
As for LUCReTIA, she shall and must be mine. I am sure that she
adores me with the whole ardour and devotion of a passionate-possibly
a too passionate-nature. True, her pastis mysterious; true, that her
manner is sometimes only to be recouciled with the terrible supposi-
tion that she is laboring under some strange remorse; but I really
believe that these circumstances simply aIdd to tole chbIr which she
exercises over me. Were we married, I should quickly learn her
secret; for she loves me far too much to refuse me its explanation
when I have obtained the right to demandit as her husband.

Ten years! In a few days I shall be at liberty to open the litta'
bag bequeathed to me by SYKES. Let me glance once more at its
simple but pathetic inscription:-
It being werry probable as my last hours is nppronching. I takes
this hoppertunity of loving all I has, and it is but little, to CAPPEN
PHIL D.OM1BEY. I I had been better brought up I night have been
worse conducted, but regrets is idle, an') the time drors ny. On this
day ten years the bag may be opened ; not earlier, or nmay the malley-


_L~ ~_


_I










-108 *[- TJ N.[NOVEMBER 28, 1863.

S108 I ._ fnr entureand a taste Fo
1 I /, .__ ,-.r.\..--- rrn nnc ff~ nA/ mT~rTi rp- fnd a tagtifp for


diekshun of a outraged indiwiddle afflict that CAPPEN, as I shall ever
fondly love if life be spared."
His dying wishes shall indeed be respected; more especially as he
says "it is but little" that he has left me. Poor fellow !
Ah! he had many faults; by the law, indeed, they were considered
crimes, but to me he was ever faithful, and kind, and true !
Where is he now ?


THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
CHAPTER IV.
SEC. 1.-OF THE CHEEKS.
What, all my little cheeks '"-Mfacbeth.
S -."' HE cheeks are the natural
covering designed by
I Nature for the protec-
tion of the jaws. This
proposition is so self-
Sevident that the student
/ t \ will at once be prepared
to exclaim, "Jaws so,"
and we do not, in con-
sequence, consider it ne-
cessary to adduce evi-
S dence thereof. Besides,
Iwe flatter ourselves that
j Ie the reader will be.dis-
posed to rely infinitely
more upon the mere
assertions of the bright
ii and intellectual, than on
the sworn testimony of
the heavy-dense.
s Although not particu-
larly expressive, the
cheeks serve a useful end in the economy of nature. Experiment:-
To prove this, take your ANNA MARIA to dine at Richmond.
Observe the grace with which she pecks the dainty morsels before
her. Take this opportunity of informing her that you are dining
with the Three Graces. tpon this she will probably set you down as
a fool. Now is the time to explain to her that you mean, firstly,
herself; secondly, grace before meat; thirdly, grace after meat.
Having made this clear, go ring Fancy's knell. All this, however,
is irrelevant. When you have observed and appreciated the pretty
spectacle, try to picture to yourself the appearance of ANNA MARIA
eating a hearty dinner without any cheeks at all. Regarded in the
light of an anatomical curiosity, the spectacle will be interesting, but
looking upon it as an adjunct to a dinner en taturtatur, it won't.
=The cheeks of the Porcus Communis, or ordinary hog, are excellent
eating. The cheek of the pig, however, is not the only description
of cheek used as human food, inasmuch as we regret to say that the
teaman vulraris, or common grocer, is frequently addicted to the re-
pulsive habit of adulterating cheap coffee with his cheek or eye !

SEC. 2.-OF THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF CHEEK.
"I like your damask cheek !"-As You Like it.
SLUCRETIUs, in his pathetic Ode to a Humane Society's Man,"
aptly observes-
De cheekibus non est disputandum I" ,
which, we needn't tell our readers,
means that it's absurd to argue with
an impertinent bus-man. To avoid
the necessity of doing this, it will be
as well to learn by heart the follow-
ing golden rules for ascertaining the
human character from contemplation
of the human cheek. And here we
may remark, although we stated
above that the cheeks are not, as a
rule, particularly expressive, there
are many exceptions to be found, as
for instance in the case of the ladies
represented in our initial letter,
whose cheek takes the form of ex-
pressions of the most unmistakable
description.


A FAT LHEEK- eUUe lii .. ... .
designing wall-paper patterns.
A LEAN CHEEK-Appreciation of patent anchors. Thirst for
empire.
CHEMICAL COMBINATION.
ONE FAT AND ONE LEAN CHEEK-Toothache.

A RosY CHEEK-Death to the invader. Fondness for chimes.
A PALE CHEEK-A dissatisfied disposition. Would expostulate if
ordered to be blown from a gun.
CHEMICAL COMBINATION.
ONE ROSY AND ONE PALE CHEEK-A hurried toilette and
imperfect make-up. REIPES.
RECIPES.
To MAKE A RoSY CHEEK.-Take a cheek and bore a couple of
holes in it. Take a rose, and having carefully removed the thorns,
stick it in the cheek so pierced. A damask rose is best for this, as you
can then make a pretty allusion
to the patient's damask cheek.

To MAKE A PALE CHEEK.-
This is very simple. Take a pail
and annoy it with irritating re-
marks. Observe their effect. Go
on irritating it until it is roused
into insolence. You will then
have made a pail cheek.


GOSSIP OF THE WEEK.

IDICULOUS PRIDE.-A
young nobleman, whose

Sverb and a byword among
his friends, recently carried
his exclusiveness to such an
6 I absurd pitch as absolutely
to cut one of his own
S wisdom-teeth.
LIBERALITY.-An open-
hearted old gentleman
lately paid a visit to the
garret of his insolvent
nephew. The worthy uncle
is a great cripple, and con-
sequently went up stairs'
Very awkwardly. We are
happy to say that he never-
theless came down hand-
somely enough.
ASTOUNDING FEAT.-
We understand that an
eminent contractor has actually undertaken to carry a railway right
through Caithness!
NARROW EscAPE.-An aged cripple, when in the act of crossing
Oxford Circus, accidentally fell under the notice of a benevolent old
gentleman. We are happy to say that he suffered no inconvenience
whatever from the accident.
SINGULAR ACT OF VOLITION.-A single gentleman lately assured
us that the lease of his suburban villa had determined; but he did
not tell us what it had determined on.
WRONGFUL DISMISSAL.-A footman, who was recently discharged
from the service of a gentleman in Eaton-square, for inattention to
the parlour-bell, is about to proceed against his late master for
wrongful dismissal. The master alleges that the man was dismissed
because he wasn't found to answer.
PERPLEXING SITUATION.-A respectable commercial traveller, well
known in the Ridings as the representative of an eminent corn-
factor, recently, on examining his box of samples, found himself quite
out of sorts.
SCkNE IN COURT.-A learned counsel, of an unusually conscientious
turn of mind, was so upset last week by the discovery that his client
was a scoundrel, that he threw up his brief. The learned gentleman
is progressing favourably.
USELESS BEQUEST.-An eminent engineer, who wished to make
his will, lately sent for his lawyer. We hear that among other
legacies he devised several plans.









NOVEMBER 28, 1863.]


FUN. W


AT THE PLAY.

IM, ?-R -. BAVELLERS enjoy the. mpute
Sof seeing strange, sights, but
the playgoer has always the ad-
S vantage of seeing the stranger.
SAn compiler about to make a
fresh collection of "ten thou-
sand wonderful things," might
S '-gather sufficient material for
the thickest volume in one
Seek of a theatrical tour.
i 7 Looking in at Sadler's Wells,
where he would find a very
iably written and carefully con-
'. '.- structed drama called Pure
f *" -'. / 'i' :' Gold, he would see in the
S'... second scene of the third act


S\t is a necessity for this character
i -= .: sitting down for a few minutes
that he may be properly talked
.:- -- to by a London merchant, for
the benefit of the company before the curtain, and he therefore enters
with his pipe in one hand and a garden seat in the other, as if he
had just taken a stroll round the grounds with these embarrassing
accompaniments. The precaution of carrying his rustic bench about
with him is not, however, so unnecessary as it appears, for no sooner
has he finished his pipe and his colloquy and gone off, than somebody
-who has been evidently watching the bench and the opportunity-
pounces on the not very valuable piece of furniture and triumphantly
catries it away in the opposite direction. At the Surrey, in a curiously
complicated drama called The Gomne of Life, in which all the per-
sonages seem to make a misdeal, a rag-picker leaves her basket in
the miserable hovel where she resides, and a stylish footman in the
familiar livery of crimson plush, immediately walks in and bears it off
under his arm as if he had surreptitiously received a valuable prize.
MR. FECHTE .might surely despatch a stage missionary to these
remote regions, and diffuse the blessings of theatrical enlightenment.
At Drury Lane there is an outrageous farce, where two cockneys
equip themselves in the curt costume of Caledonia, and perpetrate the
most astounding extravagances, which are accepted by a quiet old
gentleman in the north, as an orthodox course of proceeding among
the natives. At the Haymarket, in a three-act comedy entitled Silken
Fetters, a countess is represented as falling in love with a fiddler at a
fashionable concert, because he has a sad look, an unacted tragedy in
his pocket, and an interesting story to tell. Directly she marries
him her first husband makes his appearance, and then some terrible
things take place. The countess openly avows her preference for
husband number two, and invites 'him to a box at the opera-number
forty on the grand tier-which will be occupied by herself and husband
number one. There is a duel which the first husband fights with
another admirer of the lady, and after a great deal of obvious im-
propriety, as the countess insists upon the second husband being foned
of her whether he likes it or not, the latter marries his little cousin,
and,then the countess agrees to give him up and accompany her first
hutband,'the admiral, to the 'West Indies. All this, of course, would
be very likely to take place in fashionable society at the present day,
and as a faithful picture of the inner life of Belgravia, it may be
therefore accepted as affording valuable information to the general
public. MR. LEICESTEB BrUCKLNGHAM, whose name is associated
with the authorship, is, however, not to be blamed for the story which
belongs to .SOBnE, and for the graceful dialogue, which is all his
own, he may be accredited with high honours. A Bull in a China
Shop, whichwas simply a mistake at the Haymarket, has been since
very:properly taken out of the programme. Had the piece been as
long as it was broad there is no knowing what would have been the
end of it.
THE ODD IMAN.

No NEws 'FOu RussiA.-The Russians complain that their "atro-
cities in Poland are greatly magnified by report. Can they wonder at
what gets bruited abroad when they are so brute-ed at home;? They
cannot expect impartial reports from a country where every mere
spectator runs a risk of becoming a knout-sider; and being treated to
the lash- under the eye of Government.
A FRIEND AT A PINCIT.-The ex-Lord Mayor took his RosE-
leaves of:his officials in the form of snuff-boxes. This will prevent his
becoming too "rappee "dly forgotten.


WORKHOUSE PORTERS, OR BROTHERS' KEEPERS?
[" Such a scene as we have described ought to be impossible in this rich and
luxurious city. Shelter, however rough, food, however roa se, is the natural right
of the destitute, and on these miserable November nights there should not bie human
beings within a stone's throw of Spring-gardens and Whitehall unable to lind even
the bare shelter of a roof. ... After all is said, it remains the bounden duty of
society to prevent any of its members from wanting the bare ineeealtie of lifre, and
sufficiently large casiial wards, or something equivalent, ought to hie provided for
the desolatewaifs and strays of oulr population. It is diilieult lto think that the work-
houses could not make some sulticient provision if tihe sort. ... We gain
much in London by the condensation of a va-t population we must expect to tind
corresponding disadvantages, and ought not to grunible if we have to) pay somie-
thing more for the sake of our prosperity and luxury."-The Times, Nov. 14.]
PUT by the cap and bells a while,
Lay down the bauble for a space,
Banish from off your lips the mile,
And look stern truth straight in the face.
Sitting beside the blazing fire
At home, and at your ease, are you;-
Poor creatures in the mist and mire
Lie on bare earth the long night through!
For shame! This city-dropping gold
'For bubble scheme and pleasure vain,
Because it has too much to holl -
Permits, in sight of heaveu, this stain.
Throughout it all, by every lhcartll
Where wealth or competeucy reigns,
Should stand the speotres of grim dearth,
iCold penury and racking pains.
They, o'er all dear domestic joys,
Should cast a shadow dark and chill,
When in the silence grows the noise
Of beating rains and breezes shrill;
Till in each heart, unidulled "by gold,
The earnest question will arise,
"Can it be peace while in the cold
And driving sleet my brother lies ?"
Who dares to .peak of happy homes,
Of Christian lives led day by day,
Wlhile to each hand-and vainly-comes
The task to sweep this wrong awny ?
We-wlwo can costly trophies raise,
Lest famous victories ie forgot,
Who chnrchels build for prayer and praise-
Yet let the living temples rot!
Beside my hearth the spectre stands,
With eyes that silently beseech,
It wrings its supplicating lands ;-
Oi heaven, that I might lend it speech,
To send a stir through all the land,
As late surged earth's convulsive throe,
That men might wake to understand
What they so dearly ought to know.
.Up, sluggard, from the ingle-nook-
Begone into the highway, straight;
And on the hideous ulcer look
Of this vast place we boast so great!
Go forth-behold the.wretched sight,
The houseless misery forlorn-
The spectacle of wronl, tihe light
Of heaven shall see to-morrow morn
Men, women, children, ltungcr'd, gaunt,
With scarce a rag about their ones;
Poor ghosts, that all the night will haunt
The streets, and pillow on the stones.
Go-see the bitter blot flint mars
The blessedness of night, -and there,
Beneath the pure, pale, pitying stars,
Repeat CAIN's question, if you dare!

IRONING DONE ElRE.
RUSSIA is very busy plating vessels of war, and we are supplying
iron for the purpose. At the same time, should war break out
between us and the Muscovite, the latter would find that, though
we do a great deal of ironing, we have not sold our mangle.

OF COraRSE TT IS.-Is it not probable that Concord is made-up of
"heart-strings ?"


109


__


~_~___ ___~___1









J is


110 '


ONE FOR HIS NOB.
ustic Tlit :-" YOU OUGHT TO KNOW TIE WAY TEW THE MANOR HOUSE, WHY I THOUGHT ANY FOOL KNEW THAT."
Old Party :-" YES, MY MAN. THAT'S WHY I ASKED yOU."


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
EUROPEAN POLITICAL MEETING.
(By Pneumatic Despatch.)
The Criterion Stakes. Open to all the world. Catch weight. Any
distance.
MR. LOUIs NAPOLEON'S Congress, by Emperor, out of Am-
bition ... ... ... ... ... ... ... (I AM ) 1
MR. ABE LINCOLN'S Nigger Melody, by Proclamation, out of
Tune... ........ ..... ... ... (CHASE) 2
MR. JOHN RUSSELL'S Neutrality, by Seizure, out of Par-
tiality ... ... ... ... .... .. (BUNCOarBE) 3
MR. E. LANDSEER's Lion, by Nelson's Column, out of
Sight :.. ... ........... (DELAY) 0
MR. UNKNOWN'S Try-it-on, by Lump of Lead, out of
Swindle ... ... ... ... ... ... (EARL) 0
MR. ADoMIAL KUPER'S Bombardment, by Instruction, out of
Christianity... ... ... ... ... ... (SECRETARY) 0
Betting-50 to 1 agit Congress, 2 to 1 agst Nigger Melody, even
on Lion, 4 to 1 agst any other.
This was an exciting race. Try-it-on took the lead at starting,
closely followed by Nigger Melody, Neutrality, and Bombardment;
but Congress, making play on nearing the post, caused a diversion, and
HA.t landed Congress by a head; a neck separated Nigger Melody
and Neutrality; the rest nowhere. The winner was sold (,cheap).
Upon the principle that short reckonings make long friends," a
prompt settlement upon this race was proposed; but a leviathant bustle
ensued, when it was discovered that a "leg" had walked off, first
buttoning up its pockets, and that instead of leaning against a tree,
as heretofore, had varied the performance by getting "up one."
Settlement was adjourned sine die.


"FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS."
WE extract the following from a contemporary d propos of the
Schleswig Holstein question:
"It remains in a foggy state, but EARL RUSSELL, who bears the olive-branch, is
doing his best to bring about peace."
He who penned the paragraph had a quill of one bird in the hand, and
need not have beaten about, too, in the bush. The feathered biped
who bears the olive-branch, we would remind him is generally the
dove, and not the larger and more-weak-minded bird in which there
is, according to the poet, such a deal of nutriment," and which was
clearly running in his head when he spoke of the noble earl. Possibly
after having written the sentence he saw the slip and would have
altered it, as a last resource for the goose, if he had not thought it
might also seem sauce for EABL RUSSELL. We pause for a reply,
and as the question is a political one, we hope to be (H)anser'd.


F or just one penny here is harmless fun,
U pon all subjects subject to a pun.
N o ruinous investment is this one;
'S o let all wights who read these verses run,
A s fleetly as Fleet-street will now admit,
L leaving their pence for inexpensive wit,
1 ingled with dates and records we revere-
A comic chronicle, all round the year !
N ow therefore,friends, since time so quickly flies,
A dopt at once the course which we advise ;
C ome here and buy, unless you wish to lack
K nack of all manner of funs-Fun's Almanack.


F un's
U unparalleled,
N ovel,
'S tartling,
A attractive,
L aughable,
M irthful,
A artistic,
N onsensical,
A nid
C omical
K alendar.


WHEN, may a woman be said to reach a certain pitch ?-When she
is a Tar-tar.


"tinted by JUDD & GLASS, New Bridge-street, Ludgate-bill, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Ofice, 80, Fleet--treet, E,C.-Nov. 28, 1863.


[NvNOVElMBE 28, 1863.
__ -* _______

2 -

A 7









DECEMBER 5, 1863.]


FU N.


A HINT.
John Bull :-" KEEP YOUR EYE ON 'EM, JOHNNY-TAKE CARE
HIS GROG."


IE DOESN'T DRUG


THE BAR AND THE BARBEl.
[Twelve rcstolutre tarristrrs hive vowed to wear
thiir boards .i lt llut rlliVner c to thie pinionll of
judges or the predilections of attorneys.]
TITERE were twelve gallant barristers,
By COKEi and1 BLCKSTONE swore
That, spite of every risk, a scrape
Should bare their chins no more.
For since in courts in Equitee
Were horse-hair wigs decreed,
They held that each man's goodly Barb(c)
Should stand him in good stead.
And so they swore to keel: their lair
In spite of judge's frown ;
Their silky beards they vowed should not
By razors be cut down."
Heaven prosper now these gentlemen,
No hare-brained act is theirs;
Like honest lawyers they refuse
To cut off their own heirs.
And no man sure will hesitate
liis business to confide
To those who are so well prepared
To beard the other side.
No woman, too, will be so weak
As ever to dispute
Their fitness to uphold her causo
Who so become hir-sute.
No longer they bare chins will beal
Whom once slicer folly sheared.
They growl like bears at what they once
Have borne-and will have beard.

FROM BARON IRAMWELL'S NOTEi-BOOK.
Tiro' CALCRAFT's not a lawyer,
It strikes me strangely, still
He's just the mnmn adapted
To tx.cutle a 'ill !

TIIE )DUKEr's MOTTO.-" Up, Gulards,
and at them."


THE WISE MEN OF STRATHBOGIE AND "GOOD
WORDS."
"Motley's the only wear."
ATTEND all ye who love to hear the bards chant Scotia's praise,
I sing of the last valiant raid she made in modern days,
'Gainst MACLEOD the Norman, the chaplain of our QUEEN,
And broke his pen and spilt his ink, or tried to do, I ween.
Strathbogie's twelve wise presbyters in solemn conclave met,
Strathbogie's valiant men of war in brave array were set;
And M'GrLVRA. for leader Strathbogie's wise men chose,
And thus he opened the attack on their misguided foes:--
" Oh, wise and sapient presbyters, oh, skilled in mystic lore,
Such danger to old Scotia's kirk has ne'er occurred before;
With speech and resolution urge on this wordy war,
And be your rallying cry to-day, Strathbogie, not Navarre.
I humbly beg, co-presbyters, you will attention pay,
And bravely meet the foeman, and conquer in the fray.
I am chosen for your captain-I will nobly lead the van
'Gainst M .CLEOD, the chieftain of this rebellious clan;
For he is not contented with being called to teach,
Forsooth he must be editor, and write as well as preach;
Because his parish work's too light, he starts a magazine,
And articles that he inserts demand reproof, I ween.
For know a man called KINGSLEY there dared to use his pen
To shield from modern obloquy old monks and heathen men;
And THOROLD (he is M.A., Cam.), defying lMus. GnUNDY,
Tries hard to prove there is no harm in writing home on Sunday.
And there are authoresses, too-I dare say they may mean well ;
But one's no doubt a Popish nun-her name is DorA GREENWELL.
Her style is really dreadful; in her Gardening of the Soul,"
She dares to point to happiness as every Christian's goal !
And LUDLow would speed on the day when every sacred fane
Shall be the house of mercy that drops as gentle rain;


And a crowning horror to close this fearful scene,
The Editor is chaplain to Britain's gracious QUEEN.
' Then let Strathbogie's presbyters in soleoin conclave mot,
Against this wicked serial their faces sternly set;
Let us follow the example the priests have set in Romne-
An Inde. Expurgatoritis our kirk shall have at home;
We'll banish from our bookshelves CItA.mLs KINrsasmr 's Allto Locke,
We'll harshly overture Good Words-it can't survive the shock;
And if the censure we transmit, the sequence all can tell,
KIaSLrEY may write, and STUAIIAN print, but none in Scotland sell.
If any dare to censure us, that action must ensure
Worse fate than Pro NoNo's curse-Strathbogic's overture."
Oh, wise and sapient orator, pray con this legend o'er:
It chanced to MADAME PARTINOTON, while dwelling near the shore,
The foaming billows dashed their spray into her 1;rekfast-room,
And she, good dame, would sweep it back will lier long-handled
broom.
I leave to your own good sense-can you the semblance trace
'Twixt PAITINGTro and MP'GILVmAY, most sap:ient of thy race ?
If not, I'll send thee (carriage-paid) c'en to thy native fells,
My gay be-spangled motley suit, my jester's cap and bells.

TALLY no, HT.RK AWAY !-We observed tile following curious ad-
vertisement in the parochial press:-
"T. LLY TRADE).-An expcriencr-d hand requires a situation. A Court
1. connection preferred. Address" etc., etc.
We conjecture that this gentleman, tired of hawking tea and linen-
drapery in the suburbs, is desirous of taking a part under some of
those enterprising Jew-ellcrs, who do not consider fair-play mne of
the gems available for their trade, but bribe servants in order to
entrap their mistresses. If this 1h tle sort of Court connection "
which the advertiser desires, we trust t t may lead to a connection wihll
another court-the Police-Court.


VOL. V. 0


_ ~ ___~I__


__










112 F' N [D1EEMBIE 6., 1868.


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN. L K S AT BOO KS.
No. 66.-SIR STAFFORD HENRY NORTHCOTE, BART., .P. BY A LATTERDAY REVIEWER.
WnRN we say that poor dear SIa STAFFORD was born in Portland- THERE is "good entertainment" to be found in PROFEssoR LONG-
place, it will be seen what sort of a man he must be. A musty but FELLOW'S Wayside Inn," The chief fault we find with it is the
opulent air of fashion hangs about the region, and its sons must be to number of echoes there are about the place. PAUL REVERE'S
some extent influenced by the air they breathe there, ride" beside a TENNYSONIAN echo has a BROWNING-ish ring about
One thing is clear; born in Portland-place, SIR STAFFORD was born it; KING OLAF'S Saga" recalls KINGSLEY ; and RABBI BEN LEVI"
a place-man, and :uhl his career has proved him to be. reminds us strongly of the Dream of BEN ADHEM."
lie nas born in the year 1818, so that he is no chicken, although We cannot altogether congratulate the Professor on his choice of
every one looks upon him as a young man; and no wonder, for there subjects. In the "Falcon of Ser Federigo," the only creature with
is a great deal of promise about him, and his performances are nothing whom we have the slightest sympathy is the bird. In the story of
to speak of. "KING ROBERT of Sicily," our sympathy is enlisted with the
lie was educated at Balliol, a place more distinguished for its scholars monarch against the angel, who punishes instead of rewarding ROBERT
than its clever men. Here SIR STAFFORD obtained the highest in his unwilling disguise, because he persists in clinging to the truth
position he is ever likely to take, as a first class in classic and third and his own identity. In KING OLAF'S Saga" there is a peculiar
in mathematics. He adds one more to those numerous university mixture of must and missions, of crapulosity and Christianity, which
stars who may be said to be fixed stars, as they never shine anywhere jars very strangely on the ear. KING OLAFis only a Christian by MR.
else. "Two by honours and an odd trick"-of getting secretaryships HENRY BEECHER'S definition. Torquemada" is a horrible story,
-is all that our baronet has to score in the game of life. He was also with no ..minip.ri I: iI merit for its revolting crime.
two by cards," we may add, when he married CECILIA, daughter of T. Having said thus muoh as con," we must add our pro"s for the
1'ARiIREI, ESQ., of Lincoln's Inn, in 1843, before "no cards" was patt verse. We heartily commend "The Birds of Killingworth" as one of
of the matrimonial announcement of the Times. the rm,"i lie took his degree as M.A. in 182 ; as for any higher distinction, Anti-bird murder Society will purchase the right to pubi&.h it in a
we wish lie M.A. get it In 1813 he had had one chance of im- tract forn, and distribute it broadcast. Of the minor poems at the
proving himself, which results prove that he neglected. He was end'the first and last are exquisitely beautiful-and all are charming.
private secretary to GLADSTONE when that great statesman was Into his description of the destruction of the Cumberland by the
president of the Board of Trade. If such an intimate connection Merrimac, 'Mit. LONGItRLOW infuses such a gallant spirit, that the
with such a man could not develop the powers of his mind, it mut reade is quite carried away, until he remembers that the patriots of
have been chiefly because there were none to develop. whom the poet writes were "living at home at ease," and the sailors,
lie was called to the bar of the Inner Temple in 1847; a step who behaved so gallantly, did not number many Americans among
wlhch he took with no view to practise but simply to put his foot -them.
on the lowest round of preferment. There are many little sng W% could wish that the author of the iSng's &Mail" had paid a
berths in the gift of those in power, to the obtaining of whhit the ba, little more respect for the Qi r r -N' -Eu .li h. For instance, he writes of
in spite of its name, is the reverse of a hindrance. some one "who laid all hi ir m i, hul" -a hen-ergetic figure of
In 1859 he was appointed Financial Secretary to the Treasury, but speech which hints at a -.i,' ''. correct pen-and-ink-uibation. There
proved himself only a finical Secretary. Since that time -he has only is, however, so much of crime and villany in the plot that.it excuses a
been remarkable for a few of the dullest speeches that have been de- little bad language, in spite of which -t.ir,. is I.;il-rs to please and in-
livered from the Tory benches-and that is saying something for terest in the novel.
their dulness! The new spiritualist book, Frrorm Matter to Spirit, the result of ten
lie first sat for Dudley from 1855 to 1857. There is no necessity years' experience in Spirit nman festations," is just such a book as these
for going into the reasons which induced the electors of that borough fIolish people love to publish for the :...i. I.i,i. of the credulous and
to return him. Sullice it to say they got rid of' him in the April- benefit of the HUmtES and MARSHALLS, who live upon the folly of the
hitting imotl-of the last named year. Tn the July (it is some excuse age. It is the joint production of A.B. and C.D., who having laid their
for the electors to remember that the dog days come about this time) heads together, have produced more than four long (y)ears'.experience,
of the year lS88 the borough of Stamford chose him as its re- -which in itself is a matter of surprise. C.D. is either the D.C.eived or
presentative. He still sits for that place, and it would be well if the D.C.eiver. A.B. seems to B.A. doubter as far as his own con-
lie always sat, instead of getting on his legs for the utterance of dreary victions are concerned, but a profound believer in C.D. From this
platitudes. algeoraeical conjunction of letters a mathematical mibd-say Pb -
lie was one of the secretaries of the Industrial Exhibition in 1851- Sal y ica conunction of letters a the follow ing frmulayA B
FESsOR De MORAN's--might produce the following formula: A : +
an arduous task, which he discharged with such amiable incompetence C D )0 of nonsense and credulity. Ve do not wonder at the
that ie was made a Commander of the Bath ;-a way of throwing cold authors cocealing themselves behind unmeaning initils .Who
water on is pretensions, which was as kind as It was thoughtful. He would not be ashamed to lend a hand to this apotheosis of furniture, and
is also a Deputy-Lieutenant of Devon and a Captain of Yeomanry this degradation of one of the most wholesome and pure beliefs we
Cavalry !-wo would fain withhold these crushing facts if stern truth retain-our connection with spirits of the beloved dead.
did not imperatively call for them.
In politics lie is that ne plus ultra of a nonentity, a real Liberal
Conservative. (We say a real Liberal Conservative advisedly, the
epithet being applied occasionally to statesmen, who are too big for the SEI VANTS OR SLAVES ?
confines of any party,- by writers who us e the term despairingly THE "Society for the Protection of Young Females summoned a
and because they can't find an other.) certain Mas. SABAH HUGHES at Bow-street last week for ill-treating
Of course, Sin STAFrFORD is a supporter of LORD DERBY, but servant. MR. CORRE, for reasons not easily appreciable, only lined
feebly describes himself as in favour of "removing the anomalies the woman a pound. It came out in the evidence, during the case,
from, andl moderately extending the franchise "-whatever that that the servant was a mere child between thirteen and fourteen years
inelegant senteinee may mean. For the rest, he shelters himself under Iof age-that her wages were ninepence a week-and that she was the
tlat-for small men-peculiarly safe bib of bunkum, that he will only servant the defendant employed, although she keeps the upper
resist all attempts to infringe on the rights of the Church of England." part of two houses in Holborn (by which is uean.t, probably, all the
s a speaker, lie is so heavy that the reporters find it hard to follow houses except the shop portion) and lets lodgings. The poor little
his lead--of which material his discourses mainly consist. To put his wretch was put to sleep on a mere bag of straw, and was beaten for
oratorical powers into an intelligible formula, we should say ten minutes cutting herself a slice of dry bread for breakfast on a Sur.day morning,
of Sr a SrTAFfmo D were equal to five drops of laudanum. lie is when her mistress was late in coming down stairs.
described in Men of tilhe Times (he will never be one of those men; The Emancipation Society are very busyjust now trying to prove that
of eternity, the immortal statesmen of this world) as "well known the abolition of black slavery is the real cause of the 1iederals' attempt
for the interest lie has taken in art and education "-by which is to enslave their white brothers in the South. Suppose the Society,
meant, we conclude, that lie was a secretary to the Exhibition, for we instead of attempting to prove what does not exist, were to turn its
can discover nothing else for which lie can claim such a mention, hand-just to keep it in-to the bettering of the condition of those
Education, like charity, ought to begin at home, and few men are more white slaves, with black faces, the grimy, underfed, overworked, hope-
ignorant than he of the world's progress. As for art, lie is mentally less little London lodging-house servant girls.
incapable of it.
"WOULD ANY GENTLEMAN oblige A LADY ? "-Certainly not; he
A Purr-YERSE CREATURE.-A stubborn cat. would endeavour to persuade her.








DECEMBER 5, 1863.]


FUN.


THE LAY OF A CONTRIBUTOR IN WANT OF A
SUBJECT.
THE time had arrived when my "copy"
Should be sent to the editor's den,
And I studied in vain for a subject,
E'en though worn, like the stump of my pen.
The war, and the famine in Bothnal,
I thought had been thoroughly done;
And my brain, altho' racked to distraction,
Could invent no new subject for FUN.
In despair I reached down my old meerschaum
(My solace in trouble-and grief),
And sought from the soothing, Virginian
(And ALLSoPP8') a-little relief;
When a voice said, with echo supernal,
Like the boom of SIR WILLTAM A,'s gun,
"Poor mortal, L pity thy sorrow,
There are plenty of subjects for PFN.
"While CZAR ALEXANDER. secudus,
Is trying to pol-ish the Pole;
While over the foaming Atlantic
The Brothers' fierce battle-cries roll;
While fired by the hands of War-Christians,
Southern cities shallblaze like theosun-.
There are plenty of subjects to write on,.
And.point a.keen moral in FUN.
"'While hard-hearted parish: officials;
Close their ears againstt maternitys.:cryS;,
And.in the proud city of London
A. wife from. starvation may die;
Whilp the-rams are detained in the MArsey;,
For a smile from a rabid press won.;
While Englishmen flock to hear BUcEOEHEB
Let satire reprove them in FUNN
"Whilethe fame of the Premier of England.
Is foully bespattered by WELLS.;
And the chiefs of an: opposite- party
Exult with gorilla-like yells;
While a peer of the Island of Erin,
Is worse bred than a Vandal or Hun,
There's.no reason why you should be troubled
To find out a. subject for FUN.
"While our guardians in blue, yclept policemen,
The footsteps of orange-girls dog,
But summoned to track an assassin,
Confess themselves lost in a fog;
While selfishness, greed and oppression,
Find a lurking place under the sun,
Let the humourist trim his grey goose-quill,
And punish transgressors in FUN.
"And know-that the moralist's motto
Should always be right over might,;
Then sharpen thy sword for the conflict;
And gird up thy loins for the fight,
And never sit sadly desponding,
But aided by poetry and pun,
Do thy duty, and.bow to my mandate,
For I am the Genius of FUN."
Then he vanished-like spectre transpontine-
'Midst sulphurous fire and thick smoke;
He went as he came, most,abruptly,
And just as he.vanished, I woke.
My wife said," You've had a good nap, FRANK,.
Dinner's served, and the meat's overdone;"
So I bowed to my wife and the spectre,
And sent off my wild dream to.FUN.


So UNLIxE Him !-The Lord Chancellor lately made use of a re-
mark, which, did we not know how foreign anything like sarcasm is
to his nature, might be looked upon as such. On being asked whether
he thought the arguments adduced by a certain legal luminary at a
recent trial were sound, his lordship blandly replied, "Oh yes. All
Sound i"
ADVICE TO FARMERS.-Theibest time of the day to begin cutting
your corn is d "huit here !


TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHER AT TIE PUBS.
I HASTEN to inform the public at large that foreseeing the enmirqqlio
which is likely to take place with reference to the Schleswig-Holstein
question, I have duly registered at Stationers' Hall the quotation-
There's something rotten in the State of Denmark,"
and I hereby warn all magazine article or loadin:: article writers that
the lines are copyright; and I am supported in my view of the case
by MR. BOUCICAULT.
THE crawling CRAWLEY" court-martial drags its slow length along.
There is plenty of mud thrown on both ::ides, and a tendency to stick
at nothing shown. The worst evidence as yet against lthe Colonel Iha
been supplied by himself. lie insists on cross-examiniin witnesses
the day after their examination in:chief. This means that his legal
adviser: frame the questions for him, and it looks very much as if they
were afraid of what might be elicited by the ollicer's own cross-
examining. One can,see frominthis what a.ti.klish matter they consider
the defence to be.
THE monster gun manufactured at. Elswiok by Sr. WTr,iw
ARISTRONG has been doing its best toldrownithe reports front .1apan
by its own report. Of coursoesuth a huge cannon must muakeo nu isv
in the world, but I think it will'be only tho Grnt Alstero.uf artillUry.
It weighs upwards of twenty-two tons, indepenandnt of its. carri:)gp,
and has a.sort of ponderous tender,, attached'to it to raise the shit io
its muzzle. A few nimble Zoaves would. treat suuh. an: unwieldy
machine as the negro:does the orocodili,.
MA.yonR so seldom distinguish; themselves,. creditably,' theA II ami
happy to be able to compliment Gateshead, on possessing auO w-bho is
spirited.as well as sensible. Hi worship declined,.il, proposing the
health of the army and navy, to countenanoe,the late prcoeeinigs in,
Japan. He asserted that the shelling of: Itagosimatis anythi ng but a
bomb-proof of gallantry. On the oontliry, heconsidernl itbun actof
wanton cruelty and' wrong.
Bi-, BEN is tolling again! It was found he was not more.cracked'
than a.good many, others about St. Stephoens, so heais to be.,dloevad to
;speak.oonoemore. I:sapposesomlnenterprising mIaker of voiua-luengef
will shortly.-advertise seatnthing like the-followig:g-
SSome-eyears ago I lost my voices eticrely. I made every effort to recover it, bil
my case was givenover by the most. eminent physicians and s l ieotiH. At tins
juncture a friend reconlinlllln d inm to try --' IlPhonetic l.IzI iigl S. I did so.
The result was miraculous. I can now speak nearly as well as ever.
(Signed), l0m 1 r:Jl Iri s.
We hope he will be carefully treated, or the flaw may be irreparably
aggravated, and we shall have more trouble about what may he fairly
described as BENJA.MIN'S mess."
A D)EADFUL accident-or perhaps I should say crime-took place
in Ireland the other day. A party of the (llh Dragoon Guards were
ordered to begone from dull Ca:lir under command of ('iataiini ---. On
arriving at the end of their day's march it w:L discovered that the
gallant officer hadl been barbarously quartered, at a )butcIterI His
mangled remains were put into a basket, and the police are stillin
pursuit of the perpetrators of thle crime.
TrIE last thing in miracles is the lighting of the chlurrh candles by
a flash of lightning at Beziers. A friend who has n cold in his head
condemns it in un-Beziers'd terms as an imposture, and very likely it
is. I will ask the opinion of the gentleman" who advertises under
the head Miracle," that lie has, "free from any sectarian prejudices,
in his possession the Winking Madonna, witl.l the remarkable
phenomenon which created such an extraordinary sensation in Italy."

GUINNESS AND GUINEAS,
THE wealthy brewer of Dublin has expended 110,000 in restoring
St. Patrick's Cathedral in that city. This is indeed being a stout
supporter of the Church. Wo should like to know what the
temperance people will say to this. They never come out so hand-
somely. Whatever money they make they keep to Utemsnelves, and
don't even down with the dust rs generously as a mere water-eart.
They may not approve, perhaps, of the particular measures (not the
pewter ones) of this open-handed Silt .JoUN BA1nl,;vYo(N ; but there
are plenty of ways in which they could emulate his munificence. They
might see to the efficient water supply of Bethnal-green and such
places, or the increase of the drinking fountains. But they won't !
There's not a pump in all their society that does not prefer spouting
in Exeter Hall, to giving a cup of cold water where it is needed,

IT SOUNDS BETTER THAN IT READS.
We've had few fogs, as yet; but then, we ween,
November fogs are better missed than seen !


118


__









114 J T I [DECEMBER 5, 1863.


PHILIP DOMBEY: THE SCALP-HUNTER'S ROUND-
ABOUT SECRET LEGACY,
BY EVERY EMINENT WRITER OF TIE DAY.
BOOK XI.-PAsT AND PRESENT.
BY SIR A. B. C. D. E. F. G. II. I. J. K. L. BULWER LYTTON, BART.
Author of "My Novel; or, a Strange Story of the Night and
Morning of the Last Days of the Barons of Pompeii," &c., &c.

I.-LoNo AGo.
IN the dim JEouo of the past, the Chivalric and the Criminal were
one. The Truthful and the Beautiful went Hand in Hand; whilst
the Unuccessary and the Redundant looked on, and smiled benignly
at the dancing Twain.
SYKES himself hai once panted for the Ideal and thirsted for the
Apparently Unattainable. He had loved, not wisely but too well.
Come, reader, to Drawley Grange.
The old baronial mansion of the DRAWLEYS was grey with age. It
was, in the picturesque sang of the dangerous classes, an easy crib"
to "crack." ]'i..l. .,i.., ii speaking, SYKES felt an interest in the
ancient building. Old SIR R.ILram DIAWLEY had a fine taste in art.
His halls contained paintings by the divine URBINESE and the illus-
trious FLORENTINE. Oh Art! thou art the Mother of the Beautiful
and yet its Child !
For the eye of SYKES, the paintings had but a trivial interest;
but he was a great deal more concerned with other artistic produc-
tions upon which the Baronet prided himself. Sin RALPH had a fine
taste for the precious metals, and many specimens of BENVENUTO
CELLINI'S own workmanship were amongst-the treasures of his collec-
tion. On vase and salver, the Rosy Hours danced with the Glowing
Graces in Mystic Round. FronR held out her arm to PoNox.\,
who glanced round, with a jocund smile, upon the old yet gay
SILENUS. Infinitely dcli:atd was the work of the great Italian. The
Baronet's taste was unerring.
RAPHAEL and TITIAN were his favourite painters; CELLINI was
his only goldsmith; and his favourite author was Myself.


'Tis probable that SYKES would have cared but little for all the
tricksome fancies of BENVENUTO; and that they would soon have
found their way to the melting pot. For the precious metals them-
selves, however, the affection of SYKES was deep and true. It was
unaffected and sincere as the first glance of love from the eyes of
blushing eighteen.
The nature of the Burglar was not altogether evil. His educa-
tion had been of the scantiest kind. Never to him had blind old
MELESIOENES told the story of the Trojan War-of HELEN'S rape and
of ACHILLES' wrath ; for him the subtle little gentleman who loved
FALERSIAN, for him the gay, urbane and satirical HonACE had never
spoken. lie had not even read "Zanoni;" had never wept over the
metaphysical seductions of "Ernest Maltravers;" nor learnt a lesson
of purity from the modest pages of "Lucretia."
LUCRETIA The name had soon an awful interest for him.

II.-Pa sow HouRs.
REs3EBER, oh, gentle LECTOR, remember, ami lecteur, that I
speak to thee of the dim Past, when SYKES, ardent, ambitious, and
aspiring, had scarcely won his spurs as a knight-errant of felony. Great
were his physical qualifications, nor had they been altogether unim-
proved by art. The sagest Fences of the East had imparted secrets
and "wrinkles" to the young Athlete; and he had enjoyed the
almost inestimable advantage of being sent to prison at an early age.
The Dungeon's Gloom did not daunt the Soul of SYKES. On the con-
trary, the ample meals suited a Nature which was not given to the
Abstemious, and the absence of anything to do was peculiarly adapted
to a Character devotedly attached to Ease.
From older prisoners he learnt the Arcana of their Mystery.
Every craft has its subtle and occult Secrets, which sometimes,
guarded by the Dweller on the Threshold, repel the rash Inquirer,
or strike him dead, as the head of MEDUSA in the hands of the
Winged PERSEUS smote the furious Dragon. Arma virumque cani,
says the Classic Bard. Yes; he was indeed Right The Mystic has
Charms; there are Attractions in the Unintelligible, but only for
kindred Spirits. The crass Public never really liked Zanoni."
How best to escalade a wall-by what means to remove an awkward


-- ---









FUN.


i DECEMBnr 5, 1863.]


obstacle-how to deal with a noisy because faithful dog, all these were
taught to the Youth by the older companions of his Prison Hours.
The captive in "Picciola" watched the growth of a little flower; the
nature of SYKES was more practical by far; he actually invented an
improvement in the centre-bit !
Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage." Yes !
LOVELACE, of the sweet lay and of the long Patrician ringlets, thou
wert Right. The Spirit soars, serenely independent of such poor
restraint. The Mechanical and the Lawful cannot curb the Genius
of Adventure or quench the Fire of Poesy. Ye may sooner teach
Niagara to turn a Mill than subdue the Love of Action and Excite-
ment in one of those hearts which Nature herself marks out for
Burglary.

III.-ERos; OR AMon.
EaRos, or Amon, thou art indeed supreme !
SIR RALPH DRAWLEY had a Governess. Scandal said-but we
will not trouble our readers with what Scandal said. Baronets are
ever liable to misconstruction. I myself have been abused.
Lovely indeed was this Girl, with the full glory of her Nineteen
Summers. Frail and fragile seemed her Beauty; she was slight and
slender; but there was a fire in her eyes, a witchery in their quick
and ardent glance, which MALTHuS himself could not have withstood,
and to which not even PLATo would have proved insensible. The
grave and sombre MILTON once expressed a desire to sport with
AMARYLLIS in the shade, or with the tangles of NEcER's hair; but
what was the hair of NECERA to that of the governess at Drawley
Grange ? Its golden glory was just warmed by a tinge of that deeper
colour which GIORGIONE loved, and which the vulgar Herd, the
swinish Multitude, have sometimes qualified as Carrots. Base !
Her name was-LuCRETIA FOYDn.
To see her was to love her; and SYKES saw her.
These littlewomen with yellow hair needmasters. They loveWarriors,
Civil Engineers, and Men of Action. Instinctively they turn from the
mere Dreamer.
Oh, Eos ; or AMOB !

IV.-AT THE MIDNIGIrr HouR.
BY a bold and original conception, vigorously and skilfully carried
out, SYKES obtained admission at the dead of night to Drawley
Grange. The dogs had been so liberally fed that they were as dumb
as Radicals inroffice, and for much the same reason !
Stealthily and even swiftly the Hardy Son of Illegal Toil plied his
trade. His skeleton keys proved good. He opened SIR RALPH'S jewel-
case-'twas the Masterpiece of CELLINI himself-and hastily thrust
diamonds, pearls, rubies, emeralds, onyxes, and amethysts, into the
capacious pockets of his corduroys.
It was whilst he was thus agreeably engaged that LUCRETIA
FLOYD, whose light slumbers had been disturbed by his stealthy steps,
entered the room.
Amor vincit omnia. So does Enos.
SYKES' first intention was to murder her; on second thoughts, he
implored her to become his bride.
He did more than this: he offered to put back the jewels into the
case, and to discontinue the burglary.
Guess his wild delight when LJCRETIA urged him to proceed,
accepted his proposal, and expressed her readiness to share the spoil.
It was thus that their acquaintance began. Its further progress
must be developed in the sequel.

V.-AFTER MANY YEARS.
MANY years had passed. The young Governess of Drawley Grange
was therefore considerably older. Wonderful is thy flight, oh, Father
Time Chronos, thou conquerest all-save Eaos and Amon Tempus
fSgit t
The great Songstress sat wearily alone in her magnificent Boudoir.
The feverish unrest described in a recent extract from her diary had
deepened. She could not bear to be alone. Oh, Solitude, where are
the charms that sages have seen in thy face ? And yet she could not
endure company. There is society where none intrude.
Alone she sat. The room was blazing with light. It fell upon the
few wrinkles that had now appeared upon that marvellous brow; and
yet her beauty was so well preserved that even now it nightly turned
the heads of men as she stepped upon the stage, and, with head erect,
poured forth the glorious torrent of her Song. Yes; she was indeed
bewitching.
There was a shade of anxiety upon her face. A mysterious note
had reached her during the day, announcing that a visitor would call
after she returned from the Opera. In the course of a widely diversified


career, LUCRETIA had necessarily met with many strange
acquaintances; and she feared that one of these ight now call upon
her with a view to extort money. Nevertheless, she ordered that tlhe
stranger-whoever he might be-should be at once admitted. Hers i
was not a nature to recoil from Danger. A daintily finished and
elaborately ornamented revolver lay upon her table, and she had
concealed two small bottles of prussic acid in her corsage.
Wearily, wearily passed the time. It was in vain that she sought
to read. The most fascinating works of fiction failed to dispel her
ennui or to remove the feeling of distrust that haunted her. In-
credible as it may appear, she almost went to sleep over "Ernest
Maltravers."
Musing over many things-now calling back the Crime-stained
Past, now speculating upon the Mysterious Future-she sat in
gloomy and yet feverish expectancy, waiting bor her strange nocturnal
visitor.
Prettily and sweetly the Ormolu clock tinklel thoo.
"He will scarcely come to-night," said she.
The door was opened as she spoke, and a domestic appeared,
announcing,
"Mn. SrYES !"

A NICE BERG.
THE Russian Commandant at Warsaw, GIENE RAT, BlERn, is a most
useful friend to Poland. The hopeless brutality of his comuliIt, his
outrageous persecution of nomen an'd children, the tortures to iwhlich
he subjects his prisoners a"o so frightful that they justify-as much
as it is possible to justify-the assassinations which the National
Government are compelled to resort to in self-ldclfece. Poland is in
the position of a human martyr Ilung down into a doen of wild beasts.
Against these monsters, it is absurd to expect of her that she will
regard the fair laws of fighting. She thrusts her manacled arm down
the furious beast's throat and tears out its heart. For such a dccd
we named one of our kings "lion-heart." Shall we blame poor fettered
Poland if she seizes a dagger in the dark to freo herself from the
ferocious wretches around her, who have forfeited for themselves any
claim to be considered human ? If we will not help tlh wretched
land bayed at by the blood-churning jaws of a legion of northern
wolves and bears, at least do not let us lift up our hands in horror when,
smitten by an unseen hand, one of the brutes bitessthel dust, ind dies
writhing on the earth it has too long polluted. Poland is theo J i iTIru
of nations, and every true Elnglishmanli wishes strength to the arll
which would sever the head of the savage lluscovite IOLOUFIINEBS.

THE SPIDER AND THE FLIES.
"WIlLL you come and talk in Paris ?" said the spider to the flies,
Of the little points at issue that may happenen to ariso;
Pray come in simple confidence, and lay aside all fears,
To discuss, in perfect amity, political ideas."
Said the flies, "We thank you kindly, you are really so polite,
That we fear you see some greenness in the organs of our sight;
If you'll let us scan the programme, nigher still, and yet i ore nigh,
P'raps we'll come (with sister MAlY) when the blono is on the re1/."
[Future conversations will be faithfully reported.

"OH, FIE I"
A FASIITONABLE contemporary, in speaking of the EMPR'nss op
THE FRENCH, appears to us to go a little too far. We know what
those persons are called who show no respect for locks;-what shall
we say about the writer of this-
IraEtMAJESTY, who has been for some time inconvenienced by the widening of
the parting of her hair, resolved on her return from Spain to have Ircourse to tih
only remedy hitherto discovered, anid lha submitted to having it removed entirely
down the line which was beginning to weaken."
It is really too bad to permit such bold language to appear. Even
supposing HER MAJESTY finds, as the song says, her
Parting is such sweet sorrow,"
surely it is not quite fair to the fair lady to reveal her grief in that
(h)air manner." HER MAJESTY'S preux che/'naliers ought not to let
this pass unnoticed, so we may expect a brush about this breach of
comity.

BLANCHE DE NEVERn().-Indelible marking ink.
Oun queer-eyed contributor asks us whether it is now corroot to
speak of a respondent and co-respondent as "a couple of WILI(E)
ducks." We pause for a reply.


117


~ II~


C_____I________________ _~I_









FU N.


[DECEMBER 5, 1863.


AT THE PLAY. THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
CHAPTER V.
N opera that brings CHAPTER V.
prosperity to a manage- SEC. 1.-OF THE MOUTH AND CHIN.
ment is one that is al- My felines I smother,
ways good for tune. But Tuou art the cause of this anguish, my motherr"
It cannot be said that Ahl where have we seen this? Suppose we say Dr. Johnson.
ME. BALFE'S latest HE mouth and the chin are so
contribution to the intimately associated, depend-
lyric stage is likely to o ing as the latter does, upon, or
be remembered either 40 rather from, the former, that
by the scenery or the O we consider that the end of this
melody it has created. treatise will be met (but not
SIt is equally deficient just yet) by taking them to-
in all that touches the gether. But before proceeding
pocket and all that any further, it is absolutely and
appeals to the ear. imperatively essential that the
Blanche de Nevers is student should satisfy himself
an old Lyceum ac- that the mouth is an orifice in-
quaintance, The Duke's tended not only for the admis.
.lolotto, with a re-ar- sion of food to the body, but
rangement of the also for the verbal expression
story according to the crotchets of the composer. There is not a strain of ideas. When the orifice of
that by any strain of imagination can be supposed likely to be heard the mouths excessively large,
out of the boundaries of the theatre, and in a Frenchman's broken then it'orrifies us. A well-pro-
English it would be best described as Blanche de Nevare heard of again. portioned mouth should corres-
Ever pleasant and popular Miss PYNE is the heroine, of course, pond in width with the eye; but
and her singing is also as clear and powerful as ever, but, unhappily, although we have often known
there is nothing that she sings worth hearing. MB. HARRISON, who, notes to come from the mouth,
as De Laqard&re is alternately the hunchback and the soldier, after we have seldom found that
Mn. FECHTER, has nothing to back him but the hump, and nothing they ascended to I-indeed, it
to follow but the example. The opera was, however, hailed with the is not usual for them to go
stormiest enthusiasm of a clamorously-applauding audience, who higher than G. The aperture
insisted upon having everything repeated; and though there are some of the mouth is effectually pro-
things like the songs which ought not to be repeated, it may as well tected by two rows of teeth, and we need scarcely add that they
be declared boldly in this column that nothing was ever invented will themselves be happy chewers if they should happen to be hole
more fatal to the growth of honest respect for our native composers ones.
than this system of getting up a grand demonstration on the first The chin should be hard as ivory, and, until the beard be grown,
night, which merely ends in a miserable discovery that music pub- as white as alabaster. It is only right to state that no less an autho-
lishers have bought songs, which they hope to get rid of by em- rity than MR. GEORGE CRUIKSHANK differs with us on this latter
playing as many hands as possible. point, for it is very well known that for many years he has been
At the Strand, MR. A. WOOD, transferred from the Adelphi, has engaged in endeavouring to excite popular indignation against the
made his appearance in a very coarse farce, called My XNew Place. chin-pallors. If a beardless hobbedehoy is anxious b6 learn what
He is a comedian witl a capital stage face, and a mode of tripping alabaster chin hairily can do, why all a barr'ster ginairally can do is
across the boards which is, no doubt, presumed to give a lively effect to gain a cause for his client with costs. This is self-evident. The
to his acting. He goes into a schoolroom cupboard and dresses up as chin is supported in part by the cheeks, and this may account for the
a country boy, and then behind a screen, and dresses up as a country complacency with which some people take in as much cheek as is
girl, whilst MRS. MANDEnss-entitled to the fullest respect of the offered to them, for it is not impossible that such people look upon all
playgoing public-is made to be the catechist of his capabilities for kinds cf cheek as a species of chin-sling.
looking after the domestic economy of a young ladies' establishment. SEC. 2.--O THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MOUT"
On the first night the very stalls blhshed crimson velvet at the daring ND I
allusions made to the pupils' dresses and dormitories, but, of course, D CHIN.
the warmth of the evening's amusement has been rectified by the By my troth, they are down i' th' mouth !" /
cool morning's reflection, and an expurgation has taken place of all -Two Chimlemen of a Roan-a.
the objectionable passages. It is to be feared, however, that very 1.--TE MOUTH MIEDICAL.-This is a species
little of the farce can now remain if nothing is left to be seen but that of mouth and chin which is found to luxuriate
which it is proper for a refined audience to hear. The Return of freely on the ledicus Familiaris, or family
Uly/sses, added a few nights after, is a smart little classical trifle, brief doctor. It has an and-how-do-we-find-our-
and BURNAND-ishl. Miss ADA SW.ANnBOROUGI is the aider of the selves-to-day" look about it. with a pleasing grin,
author's jokes by the peculiar pointedness with which she delivers which is palpably intended to convey the impres-
them, and MR. GEORGE HONEY adopts such a deep tone in the oath sion that a professional interview with one's
he is about to take, that he has to be pleasantly reminded-Honey medical attendant is rather a chatty, sociable
Swore qui mial, &c. little affair than otherwise.
THE ODD MAN. 2.-THE MOUTH OFFICIAL.-This is a terri-
ble mouth. It is common enough among
secretaries of departments-official go-betsveens
N'OT VERY LIKELY. -who act as the mouthpiece of the ministry lord
towards the clerks, and of the clerks towards
THEY said he'd resigned! the ministry lord. It combines the tyranny of
Was it right, was it kind, the bully with servility of the footman; it is
To hint that a RUSSELL would office eschew ? slow of apprehension, and defines retrenchment
So the fact to find out, to be the cutting off one end of the blanket
And to clear up all doubt, and s-wing it on to the other.
We to Downing-street went just to know if'twere true. 3.-TilE MOUTH SUGGESTIVE. This is
a pleasing specimen. It is not unfrequently f
When our message was brought found allied to the nose tantalizing, but is more
To the earl, as he thought usually associated with an organ of a more de-
Of the numbers who longed in his colours to shine, cided character. The month suggestive is the
He adopted the tone, property of the woman who can think and act
Slightly changed, of CAMBROUNE, reasonably and sensibly for herself, and we need /
And observed," RUSSELLS die, but they never resign." scarcely add that it is extremely rare.


___


I









DECEMBER 5, 1863.]


FUN.


4.-THE MOUTH COMICAL.-This is the
property of the social buffoons and clowns of
private life. It is large and flexible, because
it is called upon at all evening parties to give
imitations of every popular actor from
MACREADY to TOOLE. It also has to imitate
all sorts of animals and must sing all comic
songs with appropriate action. It is usually
associated with a restless eye, ever on the
look-out to ascertain whether its okelets are
appreciated. Its proprietor sends an enor-
mous quantity of copy to the Editor of Fue, -
and the Editor of FuS would return the com-
pliment, but for an admirable'and'weAlknown .
rule that prevails in his office.
5.-THE MOUTIi DIPLOMATIC.-I--s the
property of the Foreign Office.representa- _
tives on distant shores, and in-smill conti-
nental towns. It is bland and 'severely
courteous, listens most attentively to the
complaints of the.indignant tourist.who has
been first of all thrashed aridthen compelled
to travel from one end of' Ger.many 'to the
other in a cattle waggon,.and at first-class
fares. He usually-regrets that the.grievance
complained of comes -scareely within the
scope of the observations df-the.F. O. f)- '^
6.-THE MOUTH FORENss--4This mouth L
is a large, fleshy, coarseand-shapeless thing.
Its nervous anxietyy to -snap rup";"the other "' -
side" just -at the right moment of time, has '
communicated-to it an unpleasant habit:-al
twitching. Itis' public property, and is .as completely to be let for
hire as the plate,;:hina, and rout-seats at a cheap evening party.


ARGUS' FAREWELL TO NEWMARKET.
(Some distance after Schiller's Maid of Orleans.")
FAREWELL, Newmarket heath, beloved sward,
Where I have watched the race's lightning course.
Through thee thy ARGUs never more may stray,
He yields to BLACKBURN and to legal force.
Oh flat (by which let it be understood
'Tis not the EARL oF COVENTRY I mean,
Although to him my banishment is due,
But that of Newmarket), once more, farewell.
Denied admittance to thy verdant plain,
ARGUS departs, ne'er to return again.
Ye scenes, where many sporting joys I've known,
For ever now I leave ye far behind.
The fMorning Post from Newmarket no more
Reports from ARGUS' pen again will find.
I dared to hint the Jockey Club could err;
'or that am I ejected from the heath.
Such is to me the law's too stern decree;
In slashing articles revenged I'll be.
(Exit, calling for -pen, ink, and paper, to commence, operations at
'once.)

A SESONABLE REMARK.
THE wind's very high," exclaimed GRAY to BnowN,
Or it might have been BRowN to GAY ;
I would it were higher," replied the addressed,
For then wouldd be out of my way."

A BOLD MAs.-It is reported that a son of NATHANIEL ROTHS-
CHILD accompanied KING GEORGE OF GREECE to Athens, as well as
GENERAL KALERGIS, the Paris Ambassador. Financiers are bold
'men, and yet .we are rather astonished to hear of a ROTHscHILD
venturing among Greeks. Bold as he is, we venture to prophesy that
.he will not venture among them a.loan.
RIGHTAGAN !"-People often make use of the expression, "where
last year's snow is." After mature consideration, we have come to the
conclusion that its nowhere !
A SEEMING CONTRADICTION.-A suitable name for a man of no
energy and fickle mind would be Mr. Percy Veer-Mr. Persevere.
A "FAMILY MAN'."-EARL RUSSELL.


THE GREAT FIGHT.
(From our Freench Special lrporter.)
Leicester-squaro.
DEAR AND AIrrIBLE Ari.EDACiTOi,-I come to arrive.
The shores of Albion-brumous, alllictive, inhospitable-sccmled
to frown delianmce upon miy mission. It imports not. I accept thy
proposal, so liberal and so judicious.
Mly sufferances from the malady of the sea were affrightful. This
is of custom. Pass.
I reach London, city of movement, of animation, of commerce. On
every tongue I find there are but two names; the one, it is that of
HEEl: N, the other, it is Ihat of To-akxINOs.
IIa I remember myself! To imsNus--it is tlio gladiator who
vanquished Sm JIEMMYMiiACE at, the combat, histioric:l and immortal,
of Temseven. Is it not that I was myself proscn! ?
I burn with desire to see again this valorous and gigantic athlete.
Britannia, he was thy champion of the pugilato !
Shall he hold his front against .HIEINAN, child of 111 sav:uge West.,
infant mysterious and terrible of Benicia, roamer of' lriillmcil forests,
representative of the Democracy Transatlantic ?
This is what the future shall reveal.
I promenade myself. I walk ,abroad wilh one of my arlist, friends,
GusTAVE D., who sliibl send you nn illustra ion of tlih b:lal .
I visit the houses of sport. One mocks himself of nm. Neverthe-
less, I shall wait and learn.
HEENAN, TOMn INGS, they are .giants, all the two. The y shall le,
.as you say, "all there !" Ha! ha It shall be a combat of TITANs,
tenebrous, sanguinary, without nane.
JEMMYrMACE was an .alllittle boxer. Small.praise to T'ooMalNaO
that he overcame this antagonist of Lilliput 'low shIll lie acquit
himself when hci have to "hit one of his own silgh," as says your
LORD BYRON? 'Son of ANAkx, boy of Beniuia, tlhehonour of the
stares and strips, the flag of 'nationality, is entrusted to thy arnns,
robust.and strong. By the memory of the Last of the Mlolficans and
of GEORGEsB'WASHINGToU, I conjure thee to strike down this vaunting
HERcuLrs, this Colossus of the old liritanimia.
I shall make a wager on thee. Ha ha I shall place five francs
upon the issue of this contest international.
I have bought the colours of the noble Savage. They iare poor and
unpoetic. They should have told of his origin--lhey should l hvo
displayed the tomahliwk of his tribe, and t11o valleys sombro and
obscure, where lie ence roamed, with eyes that already accused the
gladiator of the future !
I have been to the house of OwuNo Swi'r (l'hominn rapide qui s'
endetle), and I have seen the celebrities of' the Circle lmagic. lion-
TRAVEriS have I seen-sweet yet mielamncholy infant of Mozamliiliqe.
lie was slave, one tells me, to Sim WsLainuvouncji, Lord lBislopi of
IIackneyvick, parish of the East ; and lie escaped only by llabeas
Corpus from the clutches of Iis episcopal doiminator. Iloi'il Pavlns,
the future is to thee, and to thy race, down trodden and oppressed !
Let us drink. I will carry a toast:
"To MisTnEss BIEECHIOni STowE, a glass of Uncle 1Old Tom !"
BOuTrAV nER drinks it with effusion, yet hilarity. Strange muta-
bility of the African !
I clap him on the shoulders ; I interrogate.
Who shall win the combat, my brave negro ?"
He turns away--he is convulsed.
Ah, I comprehend his emotiu !
Affectionate docility, of the black race !
He is attached to England; he is the friend of TOMKINos because
TolKINOS is countryman of CLAIKxON and BuouulAAM, destroyers
of the trade in slaves !
Again a fact; HEENAN is American-it is to say, compatriot of
MiSTIRuss BEEIcuR STOW !
His rvmpathies are with both.the two.
Nob' serf!
The nour and the day. They approach themselves. I burn with
excitement. Ha! ha! They shall find even the son of Gaul all
there." It is not my first prize-fight to me. Once before have I
assisted at those baptisms of blood-these sanguinary celebrations of
the pugilate.
Your readers may remember themselves of my name undersigned.
JEAN GODIN.

VWE THINK TmIEY MAY.-- tay inot "sweet children" of Hebrew
parentage be appropriately called little Jew-jubes ?
SWEET BREAD.-Loaf sugar.
Oi !--May a large fee given to a physician be looked upon as a
medical haul!









1 20 F U_ F N [DECEMBER 5, 1863.


I,,









I I



1 IliiP[I'


* Z, l

7 !,nd=


INSULTING INSINUATION.
Cabby (on receiving his proper fare) :-" WOT ONLY A BOB TO BE A SWELL? BLOW'D IF I DON'T TURN ONE MYSELFF"


OLD ENGLAND FOR EVER SHALL WELCOME
REFORM.
FELLOW men altho' RUSSELL says "rest and be thankful,"
Old Reform you should never forsake or forswear;
Lest prisons should have every cell and each crank full,
To homes of the lonely turn ever your care.
Distress will be ever the saddest of features
That e'en wealthiest cities for aye will deform;
Then look to the homes of your poor fellow-creatures,
And there, if not elsewhere, insist on Reform I
With Bethnal, a blot upon London's proud city,
Can England the cause of the slave ever plead ?
Or speak up for Poland ? while men without pity,
Instead of relieving, oppress those in need.
'Gainst men like the Christy," wherever existing,
Let public opinion sweep on in a storm ;
Rest not, nor be illanktful, but keep on insisting
That the guardians of Bethnal shall welcome Reform!

NEW PHASES OF PHOTOGRAPHY.
WE observe a new method of rewarding labourers, which must be
after MR. DIS1RAELI'S own heart; it is so ostentatious and ineffectual !
Some country magnate htive conceived the idea of having a book of photographs
of all the oldest workmen employed on their estates."
It is quite worthy of the brilliant agriculturist-intellect of the country,
to work labourers like horses and then put their cares before them as
the reward of merit !

Tnr, RIGrIT PLACE FOR A V-'RONG M.AN.-A fashionable con-
temporary informs us that "the EMPRESS OF RUSSI. is expected at
SNice." We hope her Imperial husband will accompany her, for Nice
may cure him of the nasty tempers he has been displaying.


THE LATEST.
WE have from time to time intimated our ideas on the various
phases of the "sensation advertising mania," and as we have always
endeavoured to prove our non-appreciation of them, we confess to a
feeling of all-over-ish-ness engendered by perusal of the following
attempt to run the blockade" under cover of our ownflag, which is,
of course, a "giant balloon ":-
IF the young gentleman (with White Hair and Weak Eyes) who lost his Umbrella
and found a Penny during the passing of the Lord Mayor's Show through St.
Paul's Churchyard, will bring the Coin to No. 80, Fleet-street, he will be rewarded
with thanks and Fus Almanack for the ensuing year.
We deny emphatically having authorized the publication of this
mendacious advertisement, and if its audacious compiler presents
himself at our office we will hand him over to the tender mercies of
our head-hitter, to be dealt with accordingly, even should he prove to
be the redoubtable BOBBY SECUNDUS of Tamworth. We trust the
public will give us credit (although we decline to return the compli-
ment) for perfect sincerity in making this statement.

A ONE-DROUS PUZZLE.-Why is Big Ben an hour after noon like
a startling fact ? Because it strikes one.
IIERE THERE'S A WILL."-We see it announced in a contem-
porary that a lady at Torquay has left 40,000 to MR. DISRAELI."
We were well aware that Torquay is the general resort of invalids,
but we imagined that it was only those bodily afflicted-not mentally
disordered-who sought health there.
EARLY TO BED."-It has been noticed as somewhat curious that
EABL RUSSELL did not accompany his colleagues to Windsor to be
present at the last Cabinet Council. We understand that the Secre-
tary for Foreign Affairs, tired out with his recent tour (he is no
HERCULES), had retired to bed early to rest and be thankful. If he
would but make his early retirement permanent, we. like ME.
BYLES in Miriam's Curse, should "have much to be thankful for !"


Printrl by J UDD & GL T S, New Bride-street, LTlgite-hill, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CIITARLES WIIYTE, t the Office, 8', F:eat-street, E.C.-Dec. 5, 1863.


I


1


(




University of Florida Home Page
© 2004 - 2010 University of Florida George A. Smathers Libraries.
All rights reserved.

Acceptable Use, Copyright, and Disclaimer Statement
Last updated October 10, 2010 - - mvs