• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Fun
 March 21, 1863
 March 28, 1863
 April 4, 1863
 April 11, 1863
 April 18, 1863
 April 25, 1863
 May 2, 1863
 May 9, 1863
 May 16, 1863
 May 23, 1863
 May 30, 1863
 June 6, 1863
 June 13, 1863
 June 20, 1863
 June 27, 1863
 July 4, 1863
 July 11, 1863
 July 18, 1863
 July 25, 1863
 August 1, 1863
 August 8, 1863
 August 15, 1863
 August 22, 1863
 August 29, 1863
 September 5, 1863
 September 12, 1863
 Index
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00004
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00004
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Page iii
        Page iv
    Fun
        Page 1
    March 21, 1863
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    March 28, 1863
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    April 4, 1863
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    April 11, 1863
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    April 18, 1863
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    April 25, 1863
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
    May 2, 1863
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
    May 9, 1863
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
    May 16, 1863
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
    May 23, 1863
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
    May 30, 1863
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
    June 6, 1863
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
    June 13, 1863
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
    June 20, 1863
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
    June 27, 1863
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
    July 4, 1863
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
    July 11, 1863
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
    July 18, 1863
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
    July 25, 1863
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
    August 1, 1863
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
    August 8, 1863
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
    August 15, 1863
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    August 22, 1863
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230
    August 29, 1863
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
    September 5, 1863
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
    September 12, 1863
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
    Index
        Page 261
        Page 262
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text














































































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LONDON:

PRINTED AND PUBLISHED (FtO THE PROPRIETORS) BY CHARLES WHYTE,

86,'FLEET STREET, E.C.


~I _~_





































CoME FORTH! And the Harvest Moon came forth-swimming, self-balanced, through the blue profound-a globe
of burnished gold to the eye, silvering the winding stream of the valley, and brightening the peaceful uplands whercon
the prosperous yeoman had garnered up his bounteous store; calling forth in silent wayside pools a mirrored imago
of itself; forming forth in every dew-drop, pendant on each branch and blade, a crystal sphere of splendour ; lighting
forth the watchful mariner over the trackless sea; guiding, through Firth and Forth, the hardy fisherman of the north
to reap the plenteous harvest of the mighty deep ; shaping forth strange fancies to the wondering gaze of childhood,
as little heads watched it from their pillow, climbing through the Heavens, and linking, as with a ladder of light, th o
world above and the world below; conjuring forth tender recollections in the minds of dreamy maidens, who, looking
forth from latticed casements, mingled their sighs with the zephyr of eve, and sent forth the light of their largo
lustrous eyes to add fresh brightness to the mellowed moonbeams; and hurrying forth into the presence of the
Present, from the memory-grazing pastures of.the Past, the fourth line-the rest having strayed away-of some
favourite stanza wherein the poet had poured forth the utterances of his heart in graceful homage to the beauteous
Queen of Night.
And forthwith there was great rejoicing, and so forth.
"'WHY? may already have asked one-nay, two or three-thoughtfully.
Forethought would have spared the breath of the inquirers. But the question was asked only in FuN.
Volume the Fourth, which had long been anxiously looked forward to,as forth-coming, was now completed and
ready to be issued forth to the world.
It had been ploughed and sown, and was now bound and stacked in goodly rows-in a Paternoster-row
particularly-and the brilliant luminary-ruler of the Night-had shed its beneficent rays on the brilliant vo-lume an
airy ruler of the Day.
It was Harvest Home. Nature had lavishly poured her wealth into the lap of Plenty, and now the Song of Joy
and the Humming Ale came and went alternately from the lips of the grateful sharers in the golden gifts of Autumn.
Swarthy Labour rejoiced in the rich reward of industry, and Capital congratulated itself on the possession of a great
prize drawn from Fortune's fickle wheel. Liberality generously gave Everybody, everywhere, a general Holiday, and
all England went merrymaking with a laughing face and a thankful heart.









iv PREFACE.


It was Harvest Home in Fleet-street. Under the glowing sun of public favour-in which the only spot that
attracted attention was that recognized by all as the Fox Office-the fruitful fancies, which had been ripening,
week by week, were now collected in a gladdening heap; the fine crop of parodies, which had grown up out of the
teeming resources of the ever-yielding earth, had been garnered into the granaries of the mind of a'wise multitude,
thence to furnish food for mirth on dull, damp, dismal days in winter; and with a greater breadth of puns sown than
usual, the produce had been reported of unex-sampled quality. Even Mark Lane read, and inwardly digested.
Thus, as the Harvest was borne in, had the whole civilized world shared in the delight diffused by this promise of
plenty, and Cores, the benignant, had smiled upon the work, and consented to become the presiding genius over the
Fourth, and to endow with fruitfulness the Ceres of volumes to follow.
What wonder, then, the Harvest Moon, with brighter beams than usual, looked down upon the gladdened earth,
and that its refulgent rays had a direct tendency-for a reason, see Report of the British Association," passim-
to raise the periodical circulation. A copy of the new number for the next volume was exposed to the lunar influence,
and up it went, catching fresh light from distant orbs reflected on its surface. Up still higher rose the buoyant
sheet, and became illumined with the lustre of stars yet unknown,-up, with the reflected light of another universe
upon its columns, and shedding forth the refracted brilliancy of worlds beyond the ken of mundane mortals,-up into
space where all was novelty, and then, filled with fresh vitality, it floated back into the orbit of the earth, and,
ballasted with the pence and good will of a hearty, joke-appreciating public, reached once more the reams and realms
of its publisher.
Thus enriched will issue the Fifth Volume. Let those who would enjoy the privilege of gathering the fruit of its
re-invigorated wit and wisdom, hasten to enrol'themselves on the long list of its laughing and listening subscribers.
And so shall England be Merrie England" still; and so shall the social sons of Albion, clad in the glittering
armour supplied from the Factory of FUN, laugh defiance to the invading cares of the world without.









































L-


ROBERT LOWE lad frequently to bob low in order to cH'aipi tlhe potil illg
LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN. of the moh. He, nevertheless, retained his seat for that borough frmln
No. 28-Tim RIour HoN. ROEi2RT LOWE, .P. 1852 till 1859. In 1855 he loft the Board of Control to heoni(me ai Vio,-
Prclident of the Board of Trade and Paymaster-Goenral of the 1'Forc-t.
,oiiEI:rr LOWE, statesman, is the son of RolEleR LOWEI, churchman, In 1H85) lie became President of tllo Board of lHcalth, and Vi l-
rector of Bingham, which possesses the negative merit of being President of the Education Board of the 'Privy Council. lie is 11li1 af
situated in Notts. The subject of this biography was born at tho mmcnber of the Senate of London University. In lny, IS59r, Ih' vx-
rectory, in 1811. AtL that time he was unavoidably a little LowE, but changed his uncomfortable seat at Kidderminster for the icoiiipari1ati
has since highly distinguished himself. He was sent to be educated calm one of Calne.
at Winchester, whero the light of the great Wick-hanm is not hid under iM. LOWE is a man of striking appearance, and a good spelakr, with
the local bushel. From Winchester he went to Oxford, and entered a voice not in accordance with his name. In politics lie is not par-
University College-the oldest college in the University, and founded, ticularly advanced, for, although he favors the continutance of Ili"
as those will know who have half-read their history, by ALFRED THE MIaynooth Grant, lie is not for greatly lowering the thorough frtilclhiI',
GRiEAT. In 1833 he took distinguished honours-a first-class in although he would like to see "the removal of anomalies in the rlpre-
classics, and a second in mathematics. Two years after he was sentation"-one of those dubious phrases especially framed for cit,-
elected a Follow of Magdalen-a "Magdalen proof" that they did not tion addresses out of a verbal caoutchouc, which will stretch in any
think small beer of him there. He then became a private tutor-or, direction and to any extent. Ho may, perhaps, owe his terror of an
as the Oxford phrase runs, started as a coach, by which is meant that extension of the franchise to the ruffianly conduct of the Kiddermtinsli.r
he helped others to drive their curricles of studies in the intervals constituency. His recollection of those outrages, however, ought to
of the studies of curricles, boat-races, cricket, and dissipation. Ho have made him a convert to the ballot-the box, which will put down
obtained a reputation at this coaching work, from having driven the other sort of boxing at elections, although it aims a blow itself at
through the examinational 'pikes many young men whoso heads were corruption and intimidation.
known not to be "full inside."
In 1812 he was called to the bar of the Honourable Society of
Lincoln's Inn. In the same year he left England for Australia. In
that colony he practised as a barrister with great success, and before IMPROMPTU,
long obtained a seat in the Colonial Council. He was subsequently (AFTER AN I11H O' COGITATION), BY TEII GREAT Ma.iNNuIAL POI'III:T.
elected member for Sydney, but before long returned to England with CONFOUND this monster railway underground !
the determination of being returned also to Parliament. My fame for ever it has crushed and undone;
His barristerial associations, of course, inclined him to become a For oh! until it came I lived renowned
Whig, in mere gratitude for a wig having become him. He therefore As, past dispute, the greatest bore in London.
stood for Kidderminster on Liberal principles. He was elected, and
became one of the joint secretaries of the Board of Control-very good
training for him in the management of his turbulent constituents.RCE EXAPL
Political differences and difficulties being on the Kidderminster Ilris, THe FORCE OF EXAMPLE-Two Russian officers, stationed in
led to serious rioting at the elections, and the representatives of the Poland, have committed suicide- COLONEL Ko ty and the coom-
borough were often as well beaten as its carpets. That, however, mandant at Piotrkow. The lamentable occurrences are tho result of
which reflected disgrace on the constituency brought honour to the the example set by the Russian EMPaiERon, who is doing all he can to
candidate, for, having literally to contest the election vi et armis, the cut his own throat in the same locality.
M.P. for Kidderminster was known to be no carpet-knight. iMR. A HAPPY Veil.-A bridal one.


VOL. IV.


3;

s


t
~







SF TJU No [MARCH 21, 1863.


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.

Commiunicated by a Il.h r of the Arch-l-g-o-l Scciety.


COVENT GARDEN.
Co' ENT GARDEN, Cr Convent Garden, as it would more properly be
callot :f everything, everybody, and every would, had its rights, which
they haven't, was so called from being the garden belonging to the
Abbey of Westminster, and in the possession of the monks it might
have remained till the present day, had not lir.NRY VIII., who, as a
king, if not fascinating was uncommonly taking, displu. JA his affection
for (lowers by attaching the garden to the crown, a proceeding which,
when the righ' owners attempted to resist, they found to their cost
that if the mona ch stuck at nothing, he stuck to their garden with
the persistence ( a leech and the tenacity of a blister; in fact, to
tho latter he might be compared in another way, seeing how very
raw lie made the clergy of those times.
I'DwAiDn '. gave a grant of this Covent Garden to his uncle, the
DIKE OF SOMERSme, the Protector, who showed his right to that title
by prol tin, his own interests in a most careful manner; but on his
attaiindor and subsequent execution, it reverted to the crown-a notable
illustration of the retail tradesman's maxim of short profits (to the
duke) and quick returns (to the king). On SOMERSET'S death, it was
granted to the 1ARI, oF BEDFORD, who, remembering how bootless a
possession it hal proved to his predecessor, determined to hold it in
soccage; whereby he secured so firm a footing there, that his suc-
cessors have retained it ever since. At the same time, the earl ob-
tained won acres called Long-acre, and STRYPE says, Some have
supposed thi i part was a corn-field, seeing that those who have corns
have not infrequently achers,"-a remark for which STRYPE deserves
a good cut.
'he present Covent Garden was built (1631) from the designs of
INIGo JONES, by FRANcis, EARL OF BEDFORD, who, being a very fair
dealing man, determined to have everything done on the square; and
in 1(;70 a column was placed in the centre, surmounted by a dial,
which .lifered from the columns of FUN, in the fact that, whereas
from the one you could only gain information of the time of day from
the top, in our columns, not only the top, but every line down to the
very imprint, is full of knowledge. Afterwards the square was laid
with gravel, and a G'rove of trees was planted along the south side,
which, in deference to the then fashionable locality, soon made their


boughs visible to the frequenters of that part. Here the 'prentices
used to assemble and play football, a game in which kicks predominate
over halfpence to an extent that goes far to prove the truth of the
shoemaker's adage, that "there is nothing like leather," especially
when taken on the shin-bone.
The market began in a few sheds for the sale of vegetables, fruits,
and flowers under the garden-wall of Bedford House, which ran along
south side of the square; but the vegetables took so deep a root,
ai.l the fruits turning out by no means seedy, and the flowers proving
their stocks to be of the best, that ere long it became a regular
market. On the demolition of Bedford-house, and the erection of
Tavistock-row, the market people were driven off from their previous
location, and had, perhaps to celebrate the event, a regular spread;
for they engrossed the whole of the area, and have remained there ever
since.
At the present day the principal source of attraction in Covent
Garden is the flowers in the market, where the admirer of the beauties
of nature may, if he have but money enough, make a perfect floral
bawl.


THE BISHOP OF ALGEBRA,
AIR-" The low-backed car."
WHEN first I knew COLENSO,
'Twas in my youthful days,
Of Algebra he wrote, and I
Looked on in much amaze;
But since he has been bishop made,
And decked with sleeves of lawn,
That "bra" folks say is changed to Bray,"
And his writings make them yawn!
And so, lest his fame he should mar,
They say he had better far,
Never trouble his poll
With affairs of the soul,
But just stick to his Algebra!
COLENso in his book states
There's things he can't receive;
And some scores of mistranslations
That men should not believe;
For when among the Kaffir tribes,
He went a bishop-pup,"
(With best intent) in argument,
The Zulus snapt him up !
So he shut up his Algebra,
And published both near and far,
The terrible licking,
The Kaffir chief chicken
Gave the hero of Algebra!
Oh! I'd rather be a blacksmith,
And daily earn my bread,
Than a traitor-priest, who long has ceased
Any faithful light to shed;
For labour's always worth its hire,
At anvil or plough-tail,
And all who shirk their well-paid work,
Should go to the county jail!
That's a hint that I know will jar
On the feelings of Algebra,
Though he will not attend
To the wishes well penned,
Of his brothers both near and far!


FINE OPENING FOR AN IDIOT.
IN SPENCE'S Anecdotes" we find the following acute observation
by POPE :-" It might be a very good subject for any good genius
that way, to write American pastorals-or, rather, pastorals adapted
to several of the ruder nations, as well as the Americans. I once
thought of writing such, and talked it over with GAY, but other things
came in the way, and took me off from it." Now, the Americans
may be one of "the ruder nations;" we won't undertake to deny
that: but we don't think they are exactly a "pastoral people." We
can only account for the poet's confused ideas of Yankee institootions
on the ground that all Popes are given to write pastorals and make
bulls.


A MARE'S NEST.-The Mansion House.








MARCH 21, 1863.]


y F_ IN-.


OF ROYAL MARRIAGES.
AN ESSAY FROM THE RAMBLER."
ERTAINLY the recent royal mar-
riage reminds me, when I think of
the public entry of the PRINCEss
0 000 0 ALEXANDRA-
S0 From Gravesend gay, through London
to Windsere,"
S as JOHNSON says, in his "Essay on
S1 MIan,"-or was it Manners" P-
in which case it must have been
o CHESTERFIELD. On calm reflection,
it must have been him, because he
was JoHNSON's patron; although
the great dramatist does not appeal
to have been particularly attentive
to his what's-his-name-Messina,
or Mecenla, or Myceni--let me
see !-oh! and so, the doctor not
S calling on him, his lordship ob-
served, alluding to the infrequency
of his visits, "Oh! rare BEN JoXN-
SON." This saying of WALPOLeS
was, I think, put up over the drama-
tist's grave in St. Paul's-if it isn't
ain Westminster Abbey. WALPOLE
was christened HORACE on account
of the satires he wrote-from one of
which, as I mentioned above (that
is, if it did not escape me), I had
selected the quotation I was about to make dpropos of-dear me,
what ?-but no matter!-when I was interrupted by something, which
at this moment I fail to remember. However, HORACE, beyond a
doubt, did dedicate his satires to ST. JOHN, who was editor of the
Morning Chronicle-a newspaper which (if it has not ceased to exist,
and I'm thinking of some other journal) has lately created a great stir
by prosecuting for a libel on DR. CAMPBELL, or DR. KENEALY, or the
French EMPERORt-but no! now I think of it, it must have been
PERSIoNY-let me see, what was I saying ?-oh! prosecuted SER-
GEANT GLOVER-or was it SERGEANT KINGLAKE ?-I cannot speak with
any certainty as to the name, but I know it was a sergeant, though I
forget in what regiment, but it was probably one of those present at
the battle of the Alma, because some of the parties connected said
that the British Standard or the British Banner was carried by some
one with a green face, who ought to have appeared in the "New
Pantomime." Of course, all the pantomimes are still in full swing, so
that it is very possible the mistake may have occurred as I have
stated. But the public will have had an opportunity of judging for
themselves, for, if I remember rightly, the theatres are always thrown
open free on the occasion of a royal marriage.


EXAMINATION PAPERS.
MEDICAL.
(Adapted to the Comprehension of the Juvenile Faculty).
1. Is it your intention to become a physician or surgical operator?
If the latter, clear yourself from the imputation of being influenced by
motives of a sawdid nature.
2. Have you ever been termed a lymphatic subject P If so, mention
to what obese limb in particular you are indebted for the soubriquet.
3. In addressing a member of the profession, after dark, as Sur-
geon," are you to be understood as thereby giving him the (k)nightly
title ? How would you proceed on the assumption that his Christian
name were Jerry ? *
4. Is it the practice of medicine to say agglutinating-superadhibi-
torium when you mean sticking-plaster ? and further, is the habit of
itself sufficient to constitute you an A.S.S. ? t
5. How are the various orders of probosces arranged in the noso-
logical catalogue ?
G. How many ordinary draughts does it require to give a full-sized
adult a stiff neck P
7. May an inveterate smoker be said to suffer from lumbago when
the baccy's bad?
8. Trace the course of the carotid artery; and, whilst in the vein,
mention any Incident within the scope of your experience of the acute
sufferings of the garotted.

Any feller can tell that : vy, talk shop," and say Surgery !-Printer's Devil.
t Awful Surgical Swell.


FOGGY JOURNALISM.
THERE was such a great deal of twaddle written about the recent
marriage celebrations that a diligent scissorist might easily cover all
the barn-doors in the metropolis with bat-like scribes. But we have
ei*e a remarkable specimen: it is from tho Daily Telegraph. It will
be admitted, we think, that theory were crowds in London last week,
and upon this fact our authority moralizes thu :-
"Thero aro some things which must bo felt, not desctrihod; the boudlll's
ocean, the trackless prairie, and the unnumbered multitude, areo i nounst
these."
We agree that it is pleasant to "feel" the boundless ocr!.,"
though in a case of boundlessneos it would be difficult to liil it all
over. But the trackless prairie" is not such an agreeable rlt ioel to
handle ; it is occasionally prickly, and has all sorts of animals wlich
site and sting in it; besides, to feel a prairie which is trackle s,
although not a barren occupation, would be decidedly an out-of-t le-
way" piece of business. Worst of all, however, is the idea of fooling
an unnumbered (he might have added unwashed) nmulltiltud. Wer
san't enlarge upon such a topic, and we will let the Telegraplh Ihav lio
ritiltitude all to itself. Our journalist explains, indeed, imniediately
afterwards, what he means by "feeling a multitude." llere's his
explanation in his own curious phraseology :-
"And amidst the hazy vision of flags, and colours, and tapestried Illcoonisc
that still swims before the eyes of those who looked upon the scene, the inungu
of the crowd must remain predominant."
A swimming vision of flags and balconies, and the imnge of the
orowd on the top, the crowd itself being below, is & beautiful piece of
palfting; we lingered over it fondly upon first perusing it, and
wondered what was coming next. But we couldn't get any firtlier;
'S, wbre overcome by the swimming vision, and so we allowed piec'u-
laoitS upon the topic to float out of our mindaswith" the philosophic
supposition that our friend was merely in a fog.

GROSS CARELE 8MS
THE popular REUTER of that name ought really to use a little more
judgment in the transmission of items of intelligence front Poland.
His culpable carelessness has been the means of depriving us of the
services of one of our most esteemed contribu tos. The unfortunate
gentleman, who is a married man with a large family, was reading out
the latest Polish news a few mornings since, and succeeded in struggling
gallantly through the names of the towns of llruscwz, Ntowze,
Brzmyscz, ana one or two more of an equally dangerous clhractor;
but on coming to a word which our customary love of the hnumnit raco
prevents our making public, he fell from his chair, writhing with
pain and shrieking piteously. leodical assistance was speedily at
hand, and, on careful examination, it was found that pleonasm of thu
littoral membranes of the tongue and jaw had supervened, owiing to
the undue strain put upon the pericordial axillw. It wasat first feared
that mortification of the oystous parabula would set in, but on inquiry
we were delighted to hear that the reading of a portion of last wuek's
FUN had been attended with the most beneficial effect.
At the instance of the sufferer, we immediately conmmncod an
action against M. REUTER, laying our damages at 10,00 ; but lie at
once, in the most gentlemanly manner, forwarded ius a cheque for thel
lull amount claimed, accompanied by :- ,ottor promising that in ulturo
all Polish names more difficult to pronounce than Skrcznowscik should
be published in blank. This is as it should be; for who except thoso
learned gentlemen who have passed the Civil Service Examination can
tell whether Chrubezprcsowsz, lately captured by the patriots, is a
city, a town, a man, or an agricultural implement ?


A CAUTION FOR MR. HOME.
WE cut out the following paragraph from a newspaper the other
evening, thinking that its preservation in the immortal pages of FUN
might prove beneficial:-
"Numerous cases of insanity have recently occurred in France amnont g
persons addicted to spirit-rapuing, table-turning, etc."
We have not heard whether Ml. FORSTER is among the number, for
he is gone somewhere, if not mad. Some people say ho is a gono
coon (a distant relation of LAOCOON, saving the accent) ; ,i' unlilte
his illustrious ancestor, he not only invited _nto London t, wooi\,
horse, with a lot of people turning tables in its stomach, bunt nlso
became one of its friends-id est, a block-head. Others s-iy thll,
finding coin of the realm the only popular medium in thev- pIrl' ,
and failing to make acquaintance .ith his more roapectablo prol sntr,
he bolted, skedaddled, and is now engaged in endnnvouring to tencll
the .Afdhans that two and two i.-':c four and a half. According to
the l..3t advices lie lhad not succeeded.


_ _~~ __~_


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I








4 F





Wk. Val~-e~-iI
ii ,-


i: I1 k 9i


U NLT.


[MAnC 21, 1863.


A CIVIL I:E3TORrT.
Captain de Plunger:-" I SAY! AW-YOa THA-AR--APE YOU, AW-THE BOXKEEPAR ?"
Civilian Fellow:-" No, rY noo ; I'r :so :. An You ? "


A BIT OF BUN-KUM.
THERE is no reason why even theatrical managers should not be
occasionally facetious; and, during the continuance of the panto-
mimes, the advertisements are interspersed with jokes dislocated from
the play-bills. To this there is no objection; but when the director
of a large metropolitan theatre descends to the introduction of practical
jokes to the body of the house, instead of confining them to the stage,
not even the opportunity for a puff can be pleaded as an excuse.
A case of this nature has just occurred at one of the largest of the
London houses ; and, as the intention is obviously to obtain notoriety,
by what (considering the victims of the sorry jest) we must call
deliberate trifling with the susceptibilities of childhood, it would be
well for the public to be made aware of the particulars.
This, however, has already been done in a letter which we extract
from a daily newspaper. We omit the name of the manager, as we
have no wish to give him the benefit of our enormous circulation:-
SIR,-In your impression of to-day you mention an act of liberality on the
part of MlR. lessee of Theatre. Will you allow me to mention
another? Yesterday, and at the previous morning performance of the panto-
mime, he admitted gratuitously 500 children of the Parochial and National
Schools of regaling them with a large currant bun during the perform-
ance.-I am, sir, yours, etc. "Tns MASTER O THIn Se1nOLS."'
Now, we should like to inquire what must be the ordinary condition
of these children if they are wilfully exposed to such a cruel jest as is
implied by this letter Surely, it was punishment enough to be
taken to witness the performance at that theatre; still worse to be
compelled to sit out its dreary length under the eye of the school-
master. But for a single currant bun, even of the largest size, to
have been provided for the purpose of regaling 500 unhappy inno-
cents, amongst whom it was doubtless passed with the well-known
Roman joke, "Those who don't ask for it don't want it, and those who
ask for it shan't have it," exhibits a want of feeling not easily asso-
ciated even with theatrical management.


A CORNER FOR THE CURIOUS.
As usual on these occasions, singular statements are finding their
way into the newspapers, indicative of the marriage of the PRINCE OF
WALES with the PRINCESS OF DENMARK having been foreshadowed long
beforehand. We have despatched our own penny-a-liner on a mission
of discovery, and he has sent us the following, which he professes to
have found in either the State or the Waste Paper Department of our
National Records. Our informant writes so illegibly that we are not
certain ,which, but give the reader the benefit of the doubt. It
purports to be the transcript of an ancient prophecy made three cen-
turies back by one FIDELLE-DE-DEE, a relative of the famous ZADKIEL
of the Elizabethan period:-
Wi5bn a ont aub an riglbt anT a sir anb a tbree,
appear in a gear ant no t3inter In see,
Tmbtn E inganb hitilj tnimark united Ihill be,
gntb all fblit till babc jog nub muib frs-tibiftc.


SHIPS-AND SLIPS.
BY some extraordinary error, the reports of the PRINCEss
ALEXANDRA'S voyage to Gravesend describe all the vessels which she
passed as "decked with flags." We hasten to allay the anxiety which
the friends of naval officers must have felt when they heard on what
an insecure footing those gentlemen were placed. The decks were of
ordinary timber: naval men naturally would prefer "walking the
plank" to treading on British bunting.


PERFECTLY CLEAn.-Irishmen are to be found all over the world,
and the "Fair PRINCESS" whom we have just welcomed with such
heartfelt joy to our shores is, beyond doubt, of Dan-ish descent.


'~" ~


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F3 TUT N .-MAhcn 21, 1863.


PITY THE POOR POLE.
Poland:--" NOW, MR. BULL, WHEN YOU'VE PUT AWAY YOUR WEDDING FINERY,
JUST GIVE A THOUGHT TO ME.'




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I

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MARCH 21, 1863.] IF' i 7


THE USE OF THE KNIFE.
BOMINABLE! atrocious! un-
English-like! Sir. No one
can object to it more than I
do. I'm not speaking exactly
with regard to crime, though
I confess that the above epi-
thets would go far to warrant
the supposition. No; I want
to have my say against "this
use of the knife" solely on
domestic grounds. The do-
mestic grounds are my own
S'I_ llceed any further with my
tirade, I shall couple (as the
chairman says when he pro-
poses the Bar, and calls upon
S poor WATTE, a member of
T e that profession of some fifteen
years' standing standing
still, very still, poor fellow!)
with my subject, the fork; in
short, the use of the knife
and fork. I don't object, mark
you, to this happy pair as the
means whereby we raise the
precious (let any one inspect
my butcher's bills for last week) morsels to our lips. I envy not the
Chinese their chopsticks, nor the ancients their custom (to me un-
pleasant) of plunging their fingers into the dish. But I do complain,
and bitterly too, of the use of the knife and fork, looking at the custom
from a pecuniary point of view. Out of the bottom of my pocket my
heart speaks.
My children overeat themselves, my servants overeat themselves,
my wife overeats herself, but not in my presence, not at my meal-
time, but at that confounded one o'clock dinner, when she just drops
into the nursery to see how the children are going on. At that hour
sacred to luncheon I am at my business. Perhaps I have time for a
biscuit, or if things are looking up, a small quantum of a soup, not too
rich, but of a certain sustaining power suitable to my need. I don't
know how many feeding times appointed and non-appointed exist in
my establishment. The knife and fork are used at each and every
one of them. There is a monotony in the proceedings perfectly
alarming. Slightly altering the words of the happy infant-school
children, I sigh out, oh! for the time when-
"We shall part the meat no more I"
I had and still have much to say on the use ot the knife by the
vulgar. How I shudder at seeing SIR STOCQUE BROKER (every one
knows him; that pompous old humbug was made a knight). I say
I shudder when I see this millionaire at dinner gather up the peas
and put them into his mouth with his knife. He repeats the action
with his gravy. I tremble; I experience the feeling which is known
by the name of Somebody walking over your grave." I own the
dexterity of the feat, but feel unwell during the performance. I have
spoken. Enough for this bout. Permit me to call the attention of
Englishmen to the use of the knife-and fork, and allow me to
subscribe myself (to your paper), ONE PENNY.


VERBUM PERSONAL CONCORDAT, ETC.
IN the 'description given by the Times of the proceedings at the
royal wedding, we are informed that-
No bridal favours are worn on such an occasion of state dress, but, as a kind
of amended for this necessary omission, where the collars of the orders of knight-
hood are displayed, they are in every case looped at the shoulders with bows of
white satin riband, which answers the purpose equally well."
Does they ?

A RIDDLE FOR THE READERS OF THE "TIMEs."-What is the
difference between a widow and a window ?-Little, if n" y-for
the transparent griefs of the one, like the transparent panes of the
other, are removed in course of repairing; and the latter is for man-
kind to look out, while the former looks out for mankind.
THE BRICKLAYER'S ARMs.-On a plank, proper, half-a-dozen bricks,
gules, surmounted by a trowel issuing from a dab of mortar, allproper;
supporters, two scaffolding-poles; crest, from a pot of porter; and
motto, "' n course, my bricks "


ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGIOAL AND ASTRILLOGIOAL NOTIOIB.
Casting Nativities.-When you have chosen the subject, get him to
give you a cast in his cab or carriage as far as you want to go
while in this position, take a cast of his face and cast-off clothes ;
on your return home, procure a bullet-mould and cast his nativity;
if you find that he was born of poor but dishonest parents, cast his
nativity in his teeth.
Probable weather for the next six weeks : Rainy, dry, cold, hot, chilly,
warm, fine, stormy, nice, queer, changeable, settled; choose which
you please, and try to mako a day of it.
The sky is very unhappy; even on a fine day it looks blue.
Libra the Balance will re-appear this week, and run up his own scales
in a perfectly new weigh.
The Sun, when thirsty, usually refreshes himself with perry-gee;
though, of course, the milky way supplies the rest of the heavenly
bodies with cream.

MARCBOH.
B 15 Sermon on Bricks, by a pillar of the church.
M 16 Musical contest at Exeter Hall between MEssne. MACKNEY
and SIMS REEVES. Ends in a round.
Tu 17 .BL.DeBas again. SMITH's advice was, "Try once moro,"
which our friend B. determines to follow out. He does
so the same day, and this was the result. He----but
on reflection, seven days must elapse before it can be
made public.
W 18 FuN comes out stronger than ever.
TH 19 Feast of ST. BLAIZ ; on which occasion the fire brigade
will put themselves out.
F 20 Commencement of Spring. Acrobats prepare their
summer sets.
S 21 MONSIBUR DE PmassoNy grants the French press entire
freedom-to admire him if they can.

THE GARDEN.
We have several times been asked to state the connexion between
Polly-anthers and Mary-gold. It is as follows:-The uncle's wife's
brother's aunt's mother's third cousin, four times removed of the
former, was own sister to the grandmother's niece's husband's father-
in-law's step-daughter of the latter by a second marriage. This
simple explanation will, we trust, settle any doubts on the subject.
Catkins.-These lovely plants when very small are called kittenkins,
and are principally cultivated by Mew-die.
Polite Attention to a Friend.-When in the garden, either back or
front, it matters little, and a joke is made, if in the daytime, smile at
the perpetrator and give him a day-lear.
Sloes.-The country lass must recollect that a gir! whose eyes are
like sloes," cannot be looked upon as quick sighted.
The Gardener's Chronicle.-Tell your garden" to gather some
flowers every morning at nine o'clock; this proceeding will then
become your gardener's chronic call.
How to Get Rid of a Weasel.-Weasel a tune, and he'll run away.
Forcing.-Take a pack of cards; go into your greenhouse with a
friend, and force the knave of spades.

THINGS TO BE FORGOTTEN THIS WEEK.
That you owe two quarters' rent.
That you ever thought MR. DISRABLT a great financier.
That your serious aunt, from whom you have expectations, saw you
in doubtful company the day before yesterday.
That you ever read TUPPER.
That you once believed in MR. BRIGHT'S patriotism.
That you have received an invitation to a blue-stocking con-
versazione; and last, but not least,
That you ever omitted to buy a copy of FUN.


LEGAL POT AND MEDICAL KETTLE.
MRS. GREEN (oh! worthy name),of Titchfield, having been defeated
in an action brought against her for 105 for doctor's stuff," BARON
BRAMWELL recommended her "in future to buy her physic in the
wood." After this specimen of judicial "stuff," we recommend
her to have her law straight from the pump. No doubt she will
learn, too, that dosing und bleeding are not more expensive than
engrossing and pleading, and discover that if draughts are a great
cost, costs are a great drain.








8F-l



1\0,



<9 I F


FITZDAB (who does the Dundreary sort of thing) IAVING BROUGHT
H1IS WHISKERS TO A PITCH OF PERFECTION SELDOM EQUALLED, GIVES
THE FINISHING TOUCHES TO DOLLY JENKINS'S PORTRAIT WITH THE
TIPS.


MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT
THE Danish Fair, arrived at last,
Has through her future kingdom passed,
Welcomed and cheered,
When she appeared,
By crowds, unnumbered, endless, vast,
Of nob and snob, of lord and vassal,
From Gravesend pier to Windsor Castle.
At one of Hymen's royal forges,
Known as the chapel of St. George's,
The chain-which heaven intend to bind
Each, heart with heart, and mind with mind--
Of gold pure, priceless, well-refined,
'Mid general joy and fairish weather,
Has knit PRINCESS and PRINCE together.
The daughter of Denmark was given away-
By whom FUN'S humility won't let him say.
But the PRINCE shook his hand when the wedding was done,
With "Thanks for a present so peerless, dear ."
Whereupon rose the shout throughout England, GOD bless,
With long life and all joys, our young PRINCE and PRINCESS! "
Meantime, while excitement was growing and spreading,
About the arrival, procession, and wedding,
FuN called upon PAM,
And said, smiling, "I am
The young man, as you know, for this country; but, P.,
In this instance, you haven't quite got over me!
This marriage in Lent, I can see, was intended-
(A marriage whose season some folks has offended,
Who love over forms and traditions to stickle-mass!
Surely the geese did not wish it at Michaelmas!)-


- N. [MARCtH 21, 1863.


Well, this marriage in Lent-
I can see it-was meant,
By you, crafty VIscOUNT, that you might prevent,
If it might be, the tottering Government's lease ter.
Minating before the vacation at Easter!
And, ah! by the way,
I've i one thing to say:
'Twas acute'when all England was wildly agog
To witness the wedding, with nothing to jcg
Her elbow, and bid her
Her pockets consider;
Just like sbme good woman, who, wedged in a mob,
Open-mouthed, as if going to play 'cherry bob,'
Lets the smart Artful Dodger accomplish the job,
And her pockets of purse, watch, and handkerchief rob,
Nor discovers her state until it's too late
To do anything else than to sit down and sob-
'Twas acute, I repeat, and your shrewdness denoted,
That time, when delight
Was quite at its height,
To fix on for having the estimates voted."
But let the eye turn from our gladness at home,
O'er the gloom of the foreign horizon to roam.
There is Prussia, whose king is taking his swing,
While her people their just indignation scarce smother;
And he yet may find cut that one, who, past doubt,
Has "lost his head" one way, may lose it another.
There is Poland, whom KossUTH, the gallant, addresses,
And whom ALEXANDER, the cruel, represses;
How things there will end, none to say can pretend,
Unless England bears out the grand r5le she possesses.
As bull-dogs, twixtt whom the fierce fight is not ended,
lit just from sheer weakness a moment suspended,
Lie and gasp on their sides,
With blood-boltered hides,
The foam of their lips with a tinge of red blended,
With white teeth displayed, and with eye-balls distended,
And with tremulous tongues thrust far out of each mouth,
So, exhausted, not satisfied, North faces South.
Yet 'tis said New York city declares 'tis a pity
That SEWARD displayed such a sad lack of temper, or
Prudence in meeting the note of the EMPEROR;
An expression of feeling so proper that thence
We imply that the North is returning to sense,
And approaching the season,
When listening to reason,
'Twill not at proposals of peace take offence :
Heaven grant that that season's not very far hence !


A CATCH FOR THE RECORD.
WITH all imaginable respect we recommend to the attentive perusal
of the editor of our contemporary above-named the following unique
advertisement:-
OBEDIENCE-REST.-As Reader or Compositor, on establishment work,
having ability to report sketchily. Age 40, with good health. Long
Christian references. Desiring to do good. Unmaried. The undersigned
could be commended to an employer.-Address, etc.
But before asking so respectable a newspaper editor to take any
decisive course, we would advise him to reflect as follows :-Obedience:
well and good. Rest: you be blowed. Work, having ability to report
sketchily: we never heard of work that could report, inquire next
door. Age 40: are you also fair and fat ? because if so you needn't
apply. Good health: a disadvantage, as it makes other people envious.
Long Christian references : long people are objectionable, and a long
Christian is no exception to the rule. Desiring to do good: do it,
and come to us afterwards. Unmarried: that accounts for your good
health, and we should advise you to keep so. The undersigned could
be commended to an employer: we are glad to hear it, you can call
next time. JOHN, show this gentleman out.

CURIOUS COINCIDENCE.-It is a remarkable circumstance that in the
name of ALEXANDRA we find the first and last letters precisely alike.
It may also be noticed that the letters, re-arranged anagrammatically,
form ale and ram," which, when we mention that ras, in the Scandi-
navian language, means cakes, and that cakes and ale were formerly
important contributions to the holiday feasts of our ancestors, must
be considered singularly emblematical of the popular rejoicings with
which the name of her Royal Highness has been associated.


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Ii







MAnCH 21, 1863.] IF J 9


AN ACCOUNT OF THE ILLUMINATIONS.
(From our Special Old Lady Correspondent.)
WELL! I didn't suspect when I last sat down to my ten, for which
I'm a stickler,
Which I buys close at hand, at a shop in the Strand, where iey
knows I am very partick'lair
That the Lord Mayor's day wich I saw, I may say, in a style fi4a I
cries out shame of,
With all that I heard wtpil have ever appeared in print, for you folks
to make game of:
But it's just like you, whatever we do, your own ends you are still
bent solely on,
I just wish that instead of MARTHA GRIDDLEs you had to deal with
LooEY NAPOLEON.
If this you confess is the liberty of the press, why all I can say is,
drat it,
I should like once to see yon a-pressing of me-only just let me
catch you at it.
But that I'm aware isn't here nor there, so to come to the p*f which
you seek about,
And that's of the sight of last Tuesday night-well, I ay that it's
nothing to speak about.
Not but I bless the Royal PRINCESS and the PRINCE who ba0 took for
his bride her,
And not but I mean HER MAJESTY the QUEEN and the Test of the
Royal family beside her;
And I truly hope a good husband he'll make, and not a like those
indiwiddles,
Who are all nice men tifl they marry, and then turn rumnbstical, just
like GRIDDLES,
Who came to a latch-key, and joined a club where he's always, be said,
the first man as stirs,
But 'twas often near four when he opened the door, and came lamber-
ing up-stairs by the banisters.
Well, as I was a-saying, that Saturday night ~was dealing at BqRwn's
which it closer is,
For I'd just been doing my marketing then, and I'd got to get in my
groceries,
When who should come in but old MRS. JONES, to buy in her regular
quantum,
And treat herself to some cough drops beside, which, thank heaven, I
don't want 'em :
And says she, "MRS. GRIDDLES," says she, if this isn't the curiousest
thing to tell,
As ever I heered on to see you here, and I'd just been giving you a
ring at the bell,
And this makes out my dream which I had last night, and which now
has come true as fate,
By the likes of which I knew a surprise would come to me sooner or
late,
And seeing you wasn't at home, I thought, as you left the light
burning Wehind you,
You might have gone p'raps for the mangling things, when, lo! and
behold, here I find you."
"Well," says I, MRS. JONES, it ain't to be thought that I'm always
at home for a fixture."
And I then asked the shopman who hands me the tea for an ounce of
his four-shilling mixture.
"I goes out sometimes," says I, "as you know-which," says I,
"you ought well to remember."
"To be sure," says she, "there's the Lord Mayor's day, which
happened last ninth of November."
Then what did we do, but we both on us two kept on so. a laughing
and sniggering,
That the grocer he looks right up from his books, and says that it
bothers his figgering.
Well, at last MRs. JONES, in mysterious tones, says, "you know, I
suppose, that the wooings
Are going to take place on Tuesday the tenth, and the marriage, and
all such fine doings."
"What marriage ?" says I; "what, Miss BIGGs down the court, that
I saw kiss young CRIPPS in the doorway ? "
"No, our own PRINCE," says she, "who weds the PRINCESS of Den-
mark and Sweden and Norway.
But you never reads one of the papers, I know, so it's natural in you
for to doubt it,
And if the whole world went to pieces to-day, you'd to-morrow know
nuffin' about it.
But there's going to be such wonderful sights, and such splendid
illuminations,


That in all our born days, or all our born nights, we never seed such
celebrations."
" Well," says I, Mas. JONES," says I, if you say this to boat all
the rest by chalks is,
Though the only thing that I care to go out to see is the old Guy
Fawkeses,
I don't mind making of one and doing whatever may seem to be
proper,
And specially as all my lodgers are out, and I aint got a wash in the
copper."
So we made up a meeting for Tuesday night, that moment before we
parted,
And the very next Tuesday as ever was, at seven o'clock off we started.
But there was such squeezing and crowding about, and blazes of light
all around us,
I felt if we missed each other but once, no one ever again would have
found us.
The first thing I saw was the letters in gas of P. D." burning on
without end to 'em,
Which I told MRS. JONES meant Please Don't" to the crowd, but
they squeeged us and didn't attend to 'em.
And there was the flags all a waving about above the confoozled spec-
tators,
And splendacious stars all a blazing around coming out at the different
theatres;
And down Piccadilly and all that way such beautiful bright gas thing-
ummies,
You wondered where all the lights came from, and where all the screws
and the pipes for to bring 'em is-
At least, so I heerd, to all these it appeared, and I dare say the sight
was splendid,
But I don't know myself, nor poor Mas. JONEs, where the gas-pipes
began-no, nor ended:
For what with sixteen people a piece a top of our toes in the thick
of it,
And lots of tall people behind and before, we saw nufiln, and soon we
got sick of it,
For our dresses was stripped off our backs all to rags, and as little
left on us as may be,
I'm sure 31s. JONES, but for what she had on, would have looked
like a newly-born baby,
And when I got home, in a nervous fantoog, a sentence I scarcely
could utter,
Till I thought of my lodger's pale brandy, the which was, I know,
a good thing for a flutter.
But never again do they catch us out for no sights they can show, I'll
be bound,
For with both on us flat as a pancake through that, it will take us six
months to get round.


REMARKABLE.
IF the British tradesman were always taken at his word, he wouldn't
make much out of his business. At any rate, the remark applies to
the confiding creature who inserted the following in the Times:-
N giving publicity to the extraordinary price and good quality of these
napkins, and the advantages we are onnbled to offer in table and general
household linen, we also state that any goods can be sent on approval. Payment.
not required until received and fully approved. This system is adhered to as .
guarantee of our good faith to the public, and a perfect security to strangers
ordering goods.
Here we have a tradesman who doesn't require payment until it is
received; he doesn't want it until he gets it.
A little lower down, on the same page, a gentleman makes the
following astounding statement:-
(COACHMAN.-A gentleman wishes to recommend his coachman, who is com-
1 polled to leave his present situation solely on account of the death of his
late master.
The gentleman plainly speaks of the coachman as being, at the
present moment, in his service, and then goes on to say that the man
leaves his present situation because his master is dead A man must
take a very strong interest indeed in his coachman's welfare, if he
gets out of his grave to insert an advertisement in his behalf.


A MARRIAGE AND A CHRISTENINO.-In consequence of the immense
number of couples who insisted on being united in matrimony on the
same day as the PRINcE OF WALES and the PRINcESS ALEXANDRA, it
has been directed that the 10th of March last shall be re-christened-
instead of Tuesday, it is to be called Two-and-two's day.


_ ---- -T~


_ ___








F T N.


[MARCH 21, 1863.


WANTED A PERMANENCY.

Mild Inl irtrcr:-"M Y GOOD .MAN, CAN YOU DIRECT IME HOW TO GET TO NEWGATE ?"
Ticket-of-Leave Man:-"'TAINT SO EASY AS YOU MAY THINK. I THROTTLED MY OLD WOMAN 'FORE I COULD GET IN. BUT 'TWAENT NO
USE; THEY SOON PICKED ME OFF WITH A TICKET. AN' I SEE I SHALL 'AVE THE pOTHIER OF DOIN' FOR TWO OR THREE MORE 'FORE I
CAN GET A PERMANENCY."


WIT AND WISDOM.
THE following we extract from a now work of great interest, entitled,
"The Wisdom and Humour of the Late JOIN SMITH, ESQ., of London,
compiled and edited by his son-in-law, JOHN JONES."
HIS READY WIT.
On one ocoassion, at an evening party, at the hospitable mansion of
WILLIAM BR-WNE, ES(., of Bloomsbury, the composite candles on
the piano were observed to burn rather dimly. Concentrating the
attention of the room on himself by one sneeze, such as no person
who did not possess comio talents of a very high order could produce,
he seized the snuffers and amputated the offending wicks. The dark
eye twinkled, the voluptuous under lip protruded beneath tho influence
of the hidden je d' esprit, and at last he convulsed the assembly
by remarking, That's what I call throwing a light on tho subject! "
That night he surpassed himself. His greatest hit, how-
ever, was at the supper-table, when the manner (peculiarly his own)
in which he appraised the furniture, guessed at the composition of
the various dishes, set an imaginary value on the wine, and inquired
how much of tho plate was borrowed, kept his hearers in one con-
tinual roar.
HIS JOKE WHILE TRAVELLING.
Such was the humility of the man, that he invariably preferred the
simple third-class, when travelling, to the gilded cushions and massive
upholsters of carriages of a higher grade. At such times, whenever
the locomotive whistled or snorted, it was his pleasant custom to say
"Poor thing!" in a tone of pity, and this he would do however often
the sound was repeated. At any stoppage, he would exclaim, They're
giving the engine brandy and water now! and at'every retrograde
movement of the train, Ah! ah! the horses are going backward now!"


IIS AFFABILITY AND KINDNESS.
He was always an admirer of the stage, and the third row of the pit
of the Victoria was his chosen seat. Here he might be seen, every
Monday night, in the centre of a knot of admirers, giving them his
notion of comic acting, explaining the facetice, in an audible tone, to
the dull, and informing his disciples at what jokes to laugh, and what
to pass by with contempt.
*
Such a man was JOHN SMITH, the delight of all circles, except the
circle at ASTLET'S, where his genius might have raised him to the
highest eminence as a Shakspearian jester.


SAYING OF OUR SAGE IN THE STREETS.-Royalty and treason
approach as nearly as the sublime and the ridiculous. How little did
enthusiastic tradesmen think, when they displayed their illuminated
crowns, that they were making light of royalty !

The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with Numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by distin.
guished writers, is not ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6c., post free 5s.
Also the Title, Preface, and Indem to the THIRD Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d. each.
The whole of the back numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
on sale.


. .'5


10


Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Fleet.street, E.C.-March 21, 1863.


ii~W F





WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Communicated by a Member of the Arch-l-g-o-l Society.

V-- V I '


THE SAVOY.-No. I.
TIME, the ever-active dustman in whose cart all things antique are one
by one carried off to the limbo of forgetfulness, has not spared the Savoy,
for of the ancient edifice at the present time the chapel alone is left-a
fact which affords us a convincing proof of the tenacity with which
the clerical mind sticks to anything which it has once laid hold of,
from a fat living to an essayist and reviewer.
The original palace of the Savoy was built, 1245, by PETER DE
SAVOY, the uncle of ELEANOR, Queen of HENRY III.; and from his
career we see that while some people thrive from having uncles
(either with or without the arms of the Medici), others get on from
being uncles, for no sooner did our friend PETER arrive in England
than he was made an earl-in fact, at the earliest opportunity-
in addition to which one day he was made a knight. With the idea of
doing something handsome in return for these honours, he built the
Savoy, and gave it to the friars of Montjoy, from whom QUEEN
ELEANOR purchased it for her son EDMUND, afterwards Earl of Lan-
caster, while as the monks got it for nothing and sold it for a good
deal, it proved a very excellent sell indeed for them. By the fourth
Earl and first Duke of Lancaster it was enlarged, in 1328, at an
expense of fifty-two thousand marks, which, as a chronicler of the time
says, were so manie marks that ye young manne had eke more
tinne thanne talente"
The Savoy next came, by marriage, into the possession of JOHN OF
GAUNT, and six years afterwards, in 1356, was the scene of the captivity
of KING JOHN of France, when, after the Battle of Poictiers, that
monarch was much captivated by the BLACK PRINCE, in fact,
completely taken by him. In spite of his misfortunes, the French
king seems to have made himself particularly jolly in his captivity,
and oftentimes the walls of the Savoy would echo with the sounds of
revelry far into the night; but when remonstrated with, he turned it
off with a joke, saying, that, as he was in prison, he liked now and
then to have a prison bar."
In 1360, four years after the battle of Poictiers, after tedious
negotiation, this jovial king was liberated on giving an I 0 U for a good
round sum, in order to make it all square with his captors-a circum-
stance which shows us how extremely lucrative an amusement war


might be made in those times, especially if you happened to catch a
stray king or so in your adventures. Unfortunately, however, for
him, when Gallic JOHN arrived in his own country, he was unable to
raise the wind sufficiently high to bring to hand the extensive kite he
had flown in England. In vain he offered the children of Israel to
take half the required sum in fine old tawny port and blacking bottles,
and the rest in genuine RAPHAELS ; not even these advantageous
terms could tempt the French SLOMANS and LEVIs of the period.
" S'help me MOSHESH ve couldn't do't no vaysh! was the universal
answer he received to his "Come, only half a million at three
months! and at last, to crown all, his son, the DUKE OF ANJOU,
whom he had left at Calais as a hostage for the fulfilment of his agree-
ment, broke his parole, giving as a reason for this dishonourable con-
duct that, "though his jailers knew the use of lock and key, he gave
them a lesson of how much might be done by a bolt." Under these
circumstances the king determined to go back to England, and, dis-
regarding the taunts of his courtiers, who said he was returning like
a bad penny, and that, without flattery, he was a regular flat for his
pains, he kept his word, and appeared one evening, much to the
astonishment of the English king, in London, with the jocular remark
of "Here we are again." Once more he was lodged in the Savoy,
where, in 1364, he paid the debt of nature-Death, the grim creditor,
giving a receipt in full for that and all his other debts.
Concerning other events which made the Savoy famous in oldon
time, space is wanting to speak, consequently the readers of
FuN must for this week rest satisfied, and at our next intellectual
feast they shall have another helping of Savoy pudding, so full of
plums that, like the little boy in the preserve cupboard, they shall cry
"jam satis."

SAMMY'S LENTEN WARNING.
AB-" So early in the morning."
SOFT SOAPY SAMMY slyly said,
When our dear PRINCE OF WALES is wed,
Let ev'ry festive board be spread,
All Lenten fasting scorning,
Forget the coming morning,
And headache in the morning;
Forget the coming morning,
When our Welsh Prince is wed.
For he who heads the famous see
Of Canter- (but I won't make free),
Has written a permit to me
To give all timely warning,
That on that Tuesday morning,
That special Tuesday morning,
On that gay Tuesday morning
Ye may fill glasses fast.
He says that in the days gone past,
His predecessors made that fast,
Which he has power aside to cast;
So, Lenten fasting scorning,
Forget the coming morning,
And headache the next morning,
Forget the coming morning,
And sip the bridal cup."
But now the wedding week is past,
The Church Review wakes up at last,
And states that LONGLEY waived no fast
Concerning Tuesday morning;
And states, despite the warning
Concerning Tuesday morning,
In sending forth such warning
That SOAPY was to(o) fast.


Says LONGLEY, In this see of mine,
I claim to have no right divine
To head new rivers running wine,
All Lenten fasting scorning;
So I give SAMMY warning,
I shall be him unlawning,
If, Lenten fasting scorning,
He drains the flowing bowl."
(To be continued after hearing counsel for the accused.)


AN ORDER OF DISCHARGE.-Fire! (From the note-book
"Devil's Own" rifleman).


of a


VOL. IV. C


MARCH 28, 1863.] F TTIJ T. 11









[MAACH 28, 1863.


12 FI -N


THE COMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAIINNG KNOWLEDGE.
NOCK.-A thing so easily got, that
nobody cares about having it.
When bestowed by another, it is
generally the custom to return it as
soon as possible. Whenwe payour-
selves out with a knock, a stamp is
usually given with the receipt to
1 show that itis good one. Knocks
furnish a striking illustration of the
Manner in which society is divided,
as one class is always for .getting
them, and another for giving them.
A knock at the door is a token
that you are about to see somebody,
of the truth of which it is likely
S you will soon have an ocular de-
monstration. When the visitor is
one you love (is it her ?), you can
'welcome her with the more delight,
S on account of her having rapture
Sknocker. When a person is doubt-
_______ ful of his reception, the knocker
is often sympathetically rapt in
thought. It is a curious contradiction of terms, that on an occasion
when we are thoroughly knocked up we are then said to knock under.
KNOWLEDGE.-The means by which we conceal our ignorance.
When we throw open the windows of the mind to admit the light
without, we want no ledge for it to fall upon. Knowledge may be
defined as that result of observation and experience which looks like
wisdom. When people only fancy themselves wise, and make obser-
vations that are stupid, it is within the range of our experience that
other people will say something that looks like quizzed 'em also.
Our joint stock of knowledge must be indeed acknowledged in every
company, as remarkably limited with decided liability.
LADY.-A term of complaisance that we properly apply to any
woman whom we find refined. Half the word is supposed to have
been derived from the Saxon hlaf, a loaf, which we might accept on
the proverbial principle that hlaf, a loaf, is better than none. Modern
etymologists discard this supposition, probably on the grounds that a
lady, who is properly bred, would never do anything suggestive of I
hlrf. A perfect lady should be obviously something more than even
our better half. The original idea of a lady being a loaf-giver, and never
being without a loafer by her side, is a pretty poetical notion, but the
dy," which the sturdy Saxons never did say, shows a silly belle still
wanting. All ladies would be better pleased to have t heheir name asso-
ciated with the help they give to man, as being the sex from whom
all aid is derived in our progress through life.
L,~MP.-A light article adapted for general reading. Of all modes
of obtaining artificial illumination, the lamp has given rise to the
greatest toil in the efforts made to improve its construction. A new
lamp is always coming in, but it very soon goes out again, and may
thus be properly used as a symbol that there is never any rest for
the wick-cd. At present, paraffin is being largely consumed as a
light material, "ilely recommended;" and paraffin lamps are now
being included in the paraphernalia of every household.
LANDLORD.-A disagreeable individual, always considered by every
tenant to come as surly as he can after quarter-day. Some of the
laws relating to landlord and tenant are worth relating to the reader,
as one who is likely to belong to one class or other. The first thing
for a tenant to do is to agree with his landlord; if they cannot agree
the good will between them is null and void. Should the house be
lot on lease, and the tenant has undertaken to keep the house in
repair, there is a greater probability of the repairs being made quickly
on the principle of leased said soonest mended. It is a felonious act
for the tenant to steal a fixture, and if he walks off with his doors or
windows, or chops up his stairs for firewood, he is liable to become
the tenant of other apartments provided for him by the county, where
he will himself remain a fixture for some time. Removable fixtures
.re anything put up with a screw, but if the tenant screws up his
face when asked for his rent, the landlord is not obliged to put up
with it. A lodger is entitled to the use of the bell and the knocker,
and he may scrape his shoes and a fellow-lodger's acquaintance on
the door-mat, but he must not, without permission, place his name
outside, which is quite a different door-matter. The father or mother
of a family is generally the person to whom the landlord looks for the
proper fulfilment of the pay-rental obligations.


LATEST FROM PARIS.
(From our own Special Correspondent.)
You will be astonished, after what I have so often stated about the
late movements of the clerical party and the Dames de la Halle, to
receive the news I have to communicate to-day. I have it from a
most exclusive source, and one on which your readers may implicitly
rely. Of course, at present I can but give an outline of the astound-
ing events which are daily, nay, hourly, taking place in this capital.
Time, however, will show whether I am right, or any other man.
I can state this much for certain, that government couriers have been
sent to all the inhabited quarters of the globe with sealed despatches.
What this may prognosticate, I leave you to guess; still no change
has taken place in the price of ices at Tortoni's. This alone speaks
volumes for the stability of the present regime.
Last night, at a masked ball at the Tuileries, where S. M. L.
E3PRESSE E--E appeared in a gorgeous costume representing a
hundred of bricks, the COMTESSE DE nCOU-AU-NATUREL, one of the
leaders of Parisian ton, was seen to go up to the DUCHESS DE TAPIS-
BLANC, and whisper in an audible tone, "Madame, aimez-vous des
pommes de terre ? At this distinct avowal of her political principles
a murmur of astonishment ran through the salle, not diminished by
the answer, which was, Oui, mais rotis." Of course, these ominous
words could not be long kept secret from the very highest quarter,
and ere ten minutes had elapsed, both the intrepid speakers were on
their way to Cayenne. This stringent measure has,had the effect of
causing the Bank of France, on account of the floating medium as
represented by the imports of cuir bouilli from Nova Scotia and the
Feejee Islands collapsing, to announce that in future no clerk in their
employ shall wear either paper collars or perform wild feats of Terpsi-
chorean enterprise at the Chateau Mabille, a direct blow at M. DE
MONTALEMBERT and the Ultramontane party, and one which will cause
them to seek support elsewhere.
I shall write again to-morrow to let you know any further particulars
which may transpire.
P.S. (No. 1.)-It is as I expected. A courier has just arrived from
the Hospodar of Mongrelia to say that our ambassador at Constan-
tinople has received a pot of" pickled whelks," the greatest mark of
respect an oriental can give, from the Sultan. All Paris is indignant,
and the surrender of the Holy Places and MR. Cox of Finsbury is
loudly demanded.
P.S. (No. 2.)-I re-open my letter to mention-and the confidence
I have in making this statement is absolutely unbounded-l-erbum
sap.
P.S. (No. 3.)-I again re-open my letter, and your readers are too
well acquainted with my veracity to doubt my motives, to say that
things are precisely in the same state they were before the-but why
recapitulate ?


AN OFFICE DIALOGUE.
SCENE.-Counting-house, King William-street. TIME.-Dinner-hour.
CHARLEY SNOOKS and JOHNNY BANDY just come back from their
lunch."
SNOOKS.-I say, BANDY, did you see in the journals this morning
'ow TEAR'EM walked into old LLANOVER?
BANDY.-Aw-yes; I cursorily glanced at the debate in question.
SNooKs.-'Anged if I don't think there'll be a go soon. All the
fellahs in our office '11 be changing their names. I heard last night
that old Tom SCRIMMAGE, the chief clerk, is going to advertise himself
as MR. PAUL BOURBON. If I were you, BANDY, blowed if I wouldn't
cut such a nominal; why not call yourself JOHNNY BANDOLINE, or
BRANDYSNAP, or FITZBANDY.
BANDY.-NOW, SNOOKS-aw-you're-aw-chaffing, you know-
aw. Sewiously, what to you say-aw-to ANTHONY ST. VINCENT ?
SNooKs.-Oh! 'ang it! knock off the Saint;" you know, BaNDY,
you could never stick up for that. I shall call myself LORREQUER
LEVER. You know I was always a literater.
BANDY.-A good idea, my dear fellah. LOEREQUAw LEVAW a
vewy good ideaw. That-aw-is a good suggestion. What-aw-a
good name THAKEWAY PENDENNIS would be, I say, eh ?
SNOOKS.-Well, old fellah, I vote we take the initiative.
BANDY.-Agweed. I vote-aw-we see the guv'ner after the-aw
-termination of-aw-onr evening duties, and-aw-inform him-
aw-that his clerks are-aw-no longer-aw-CHARLEY SNOOKS and
JOHNNY BANDY-aw-but-


[Governor enters, and BANDY subsides.

TREASURE TROVE.-ALEXANDRA.


Ii
.0


_ ___ __ i









MARCH 28, 1863.]


FU N.


ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
The Moon.-Tenants with overdue rents will find that this is the
proper seasori fr shooting the Moon." No licence (except, indeed,
French leave) is necessary for the sport.
Orion was the youngest brother of the Gemini and the first discoverer
of pickled salmon, which accounts for the constellation Pisces.
It is not generally known why the Sun rises in the east; still it is
easy of comprehension when we consider that the yeast makes
everything rise.
i1 MARCH.


TH 26

F 27


It being Lent, appropriate sermons on umbrellas and their
borrowers will be delivered throughout the kingdom.
Grand Demonstration of Peers of the Realm, including
Gravesend Pier and Pere la Chaise (foreign deputy).
" BLODGERS," a romance in ever so many chapters, seven
days after," was told by that big cousin who's always
prowling after her, that if he caught him within a
hundred miles of the Adored Presence, he, the B.C.,
would punch his head, Upon which BLODGER thought
the best thing he could do was--here the manuscript
becomes illegible.
-Come and let us be happy together,
For where there's a will there's a way;
If it rains on the earth but fine weather,
In our hearts reigns-FUN comes out to-day.
Dance of Oxford and Cambridge crews in a crewd state,
all in a ro*.
MR. bisRArEL is chosen King of Greece, vice Otho retired
oi irgen-t private affairs. Rejoicings oftheTory party
that one of their lot has got into office at last-though
qnly as King of the Greeks.
Rieew of reviewers at Guildhall. On this occasion the
British Ensign will be waved triumphantly by DR.
CAiiiait., assisted bjy DR. KENEALf, hopefully.


THE GARDEN.
Pugilistic Horticulture.-Planting blows.
Tares are usually cultivated in jackets and trousers by unruly school-
boys solely for the benefit of their mammas, who are thereby frequently
forced into full blow.
Before sending the children up-stairs, strew the nursery beds with
hair-brushes and nettles. This will cause the young layers to shoot
up with great rapidity.
How to Preserve Peaches.-Eat them yourself.-N.B. This receipt
is infallible, and has been in our family for years.
The real name of TENNYSON'S Gardener's Daughter" was
Carrottina.

NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Aviary.-No; there is no bird called a "tat." Your mistake arises
from a wish to carry out the meaning of the proverb by exchanging
a tom-tit for a tom-tat. But you are wrong as usual.
Literaricus asks if, when bishops are translated, is the copyright
reserved ? Certainly. not; who ever heard of reserve from a
bishop ? With them another edition of their work means another
addition to their pay.
Eystericus.-Protracted reigns may be described as "royal pou'rs,"
if you like; but consult Bentley's Mizzle-any.
Eta Beta.-Your hand might be neater.
Otho.-The Di-gamma was first used by SOCRATES, who "died gamer"
than any other man of his period.
M. F. T-yp-r inquires if we will accept a few lines ? Yes, with a
hook.
Stupid the Eleventh.-We never heard of cider producing appleplexy.
You had better consult DE QUINCE-Y.
An Old Soldier wants to know if any measures are being taken to
distribute the prize-money due from Government to an endless
host of veterans ?" We don't know about any measures, but there
have been a good many waits."
Leila wants to know if the Gaiour wore spectacles. Of course he
did. Look at the line :-
His brow was bent, his eye was glazed."


I I


Boreas ought to be called "bore-y ass." We have stated over and with British history. The other day we read in the Times that
over again that the national air of England is an easterly wind. CIIARLES THE FIRST hid himself in the Boscobel Oak; and thi Weeely
Little E.-You have guessed it. GARIBALDI was the author of the Dispatch informs its readers that, in 1794, GEOuIOE THE FonuiR was
"Victory Manual." Prince Regent-antedating that event some sixteen years


AN OPPORTUNE INVENTION.
WE have a few words to say about a leg: not a leg of mutton, not
a leg-acy, and we shall endeavour to avoid al-leg-ory. The leg we
refer to is a patent leg, and that it is an invaluable leg at the present
time will be patent from the following scrap from a newspaper:--
N EW AMERICAN LEG.-This artificial limb has a beauty of construction
far superior to anything yet invented, as it accurately resembles in motion,
form, and colour, the human leg. It can be worn with the greatest ease, either
in walking or on horseback, and by an action for which the patent has been
taken, accommodates itself to any irregularity of surface on which it treads.
For comfort and appearance it surpasses any leg ever before invented.
Now, considering that the United Slates are on their last logs, we
must hail this invention with transport(-ation to the government of
PRESIDENT LINCOLN). America has long been walking on paper stilts,
and as those stilts grow longer, so much the more dubious does the
world become as to the probability of that country ever again getting
a proper footing. But the "New American leg is to dissipate all
doubts, for its resemblance to the human leg is accurate: America's
"last leg" may disappear; the world won't know it. But, observe
that, by a peculiar arrangement, this marvellous leg accommodates
itself to all irregularities of the ground: we may suppose, therefore,
that if it were required to climb a hill, it would be so "accommodating"
as to disappear altogether, and become a (h)ill-usion I There can he
little doubt, however, that this sagacious invention will materially
resist the process of "skedaddling," and on that score we recommend
it to the Federal army, and especially to Mi. LINCOLN and his sub-
ordinates; as the ground which they have already trodden, and are
likely to tread again, is so very irregular, and their method of leg-isla-
tion of so questionable leg-itimaoy, and their leg-erdemain having
hitherto proved so far from what it ought toe be-well, considering
all this, it is to be hoped that the history of the new invention will not
turn out leg-endary.


TO MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT AND OTHERS.
OBODY can lay claim to the repn-
tition of being a really well-informed
lman who is not perfectly familiar
with, at the very least, the name of
everybody and of every place of any
note at the time in which he lives.
This will be readily allowed, and for
the convenience of politicians who
may not be well up in Polish nomen-
clature, we submit a few of the
names of persons and places who
-- and which have recently bocomo
-- objects of interest, and with which it
is absolutely essential that they should be familiar :-Sventi-.krzyz,
Czenstochow, Malagoszcz, Mrzyglod, Slubtze, Xionz, Protzowice,
Krzywasiadz, Ojkow, Myszewo, Olkusz, Wodzislaw, Zombkowice,
Langiewicz, Jezioranski, Wloszczowa, Lewendapski, Brzezy, Przrtycz.
There to be unfamiliar with such names as those at such a moment
were a disgrace to an educated Englishman. If there is a reader of
FUN to whom the names of Wloszczowa, Brzezy, and Przrtycz, are not
as household words, let him set to work and Polish up his character
before it is too late.

DETECTIVES ABROAD."
SIR GEORGE GREY sent MESSRs. WiICIIER and WALKER to Poland.
It was known for some time that two of the police force had been sent
out by the HOME SECRETARY, but there was some difficulty in ascer-
taining which was which, or, as we may now put it, which was
WHICHER. We hear that Mn. HENNESSY sent a private noto to SIR
GEORGE stating that, if he would tell him the name of the other
detective he should not have to trouble him with the question in tih
House. MR. H. received a reply in due course. It ran as follows:-
MY DEAR HENNESSY,-WALKER !
"Yours, "GmREY."
The consternation of MR. H. on receiving this laconic opistle may be
"better imagined than described."


FHTSTnatr TD)onTS.-Some of our journalists make strange havoc









[MARCH 28, 1863.


FU NX.


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ANI EYE TO ECONOSOMY-

1N.in1i: (ol ie cob):--"YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, WILLY. I SEE YOUR RIGHT END UP."
\ViLLY (diisClasolatcly/):-"ALL RIGHT! YES, ALL RIGHT IN BODY, BUT MY LEATHERS WON'T DO FOR TO-MORROW !


OF SPRING.
AN ESSAY FROM THE RAMBLER."
'I' resume the subject, which I commenced in the essay, I either
wrote or' intended to write for the last number of FuN-if it wasn't
tli oneo before that. Spring, as I then stated, has much altered in
it- characteristics since I first remember it (rather imperfectly, I
nto:( a(imit), for it was then a delightful warm season, coming on the
skirts of winter iad thawing the frozen rivers. It was on this occa-
sion, when lhe ice broko up on the Dwina-or was it tho Dnieper,
or lloe DI)?-- know it begun with a "D" because of the old
llussian (or possibly Irish) melody, The Banks of Dee,"-or else
the Saids of leo "-but I think it was written by PROFESSOR
KINiG.LIrK, or KINGSLEY, or KINGSLAND-and perhaps DALSTON.
liowrover, I repeat, on the Russian merchant ships sailing into the-
what was it ?-oil! the Tiber on tho spring tide, C.ESAR said, The
hides iof March are come," in allusion to the tallow which formed the
staple commodity of-but stay, am I getting confused between hides,
or ides, and ideas, for I have a vaguo impression that what CEsAR
said to Neptune was, "I have not a notion," or "an idea." But the
exact wordl-, after all, are of very little consequence, for as I havo
had occasion to rimnark, it was not the sudden transition from heat
to cold that led to the season's being called-bless me! the name
has escaped me, and after this lapse of time I-but it is impossible to
do otherwise than jump to the conclusion that it was leap year. The
fact can be easily ascertained by turning to the Pleasures of
3lomory," though I quite forget them, it is so long since I read them,
or perhaps I should have said the "Pleasures of Hope" (I cannot
say for certain whether BERESFORI HOPE, or the Hope of the BERES-
rol)Is), or still more probably the Seasons," written by TIOMPsoN,
or Tol.Msos, or TOMKINs, or TIHOMAs-I know it began with a T,
because it was brought over from China about the time-I havo


invariably found a Memoria Technica excessively useful in recalling
these dates, but unfortunately cannot now remember the rules.
But I believe it was introduced by TaHOaAS, who, for his work on
Chinese agriculture, was created Loan SPRING RICE-and this, as I
said before, was how he came to be called Spring.


A MYSTERY UNSEALED.
THE uninitiated in Freemasonry have ever regarded its rites with
awe; the cat is out of the bag, and our awe is dissipated. The reader
must not be kept in suspense, so we at once quote our authority:-
RE-DISCOVERY.-The use of the Two Mathematical Keys, Royal Arch
Masonic, lost for nearly three centuries, lately re-discovered, demonstrates
theoretical astronomy and Freemasonry are identical, and unseals the mysteries
of antiquity, sacred and profane.
It is clear that a Royal "Arch" Masonic must have a key-stone;
and that the arch could have existed for three centuries without it, is
in itself a marvel. So Freemasonry and astronomy are identical. The
writer of this is not a Freemason, and he is therefore the more ready
to agree with the advertiser that Freemasonry is all moonshine, and
no doubt DR. COLENSO could explain without the "keys," the con-
nexion between Freemasonry of to-day and the Mosaic masonry, if he
were not in a dead "lock" with the bishops. For our own part, we
give the advertiser our approval, but we would recommend his un-
ceiling his own pericranium, in order to let in a little modern knowledge
before he makes any attempt at unsealing the mysteries of antiquity
(sacred and profane) which have been mysteries for centuries.
Besides, he might settle the dispute about the Pentateuch, and frighten
the Zulu world out of its wits; and for the present, we have had
enough of this.


THE LONG VACATION.-The throne of Greece.


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iF U I"N.-MA-cIn 28, 1863.


THE TWO BUTCHERS.


Artful Boy :-" GO IT, RUSSIA! GO IT, PRUSSIA


TWO ON TO ONE IS QUITE FAIR."


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O









MARCH 28, 1863.]


F-U- T.


MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT.
SINCE the day when did Denmark's fair PRINCESS arrive,
There's been plenty of gossip to keep us alive;
Some things not quite pleasant succeeded the treat,
As a largeish commingling of bitter with sweet;
For one case or another
Of trouble and bother,
'Twas utterly hopeless to mend or to smother,
Has been keeping folks buzzing like bees in a hive.
Some people declare that the city police
Are utterly useless for keeping the peace,
Being puzzled and cowed
At the sight of a crowd,
That, in fact, their efficiency's nothing but bosh,
In what elegant PAGET describes as a squash."
Some protest, it is plain
Their authority's vain,
They have proved insufficient again and again-
But chiefly, 'tis said,
For want of a head,
So we ought, out of pity
For those in the city,
To give them assistance, and turn on the MAYNE.
But the mayor, Mn. ROSE,
As you may suppose,
Is horrified-awe-struck-at notions like those;
And in turn he declares,
And he vows and he swears,
If the City Trained Bands had not given themselves airs,
That all would have gone on quite well to the close.
In their turn, the Trained Band
Say he can't understand
The orders and rules by the War Office planned,
And call him a humbug in epithets bland.
There's GENERAL M'MURDo is terribly blamed
For the violent manner in which he exclaimed
(Unwelcome to carsl
Of bold volunteers)
About certain hot climates, that must not be named,
When he toward the errant LOnD RANELAGII made,
And ordered him back to command his brigade;
A treatment of one well-beloved of all corps,
But little adapted to heal up old sores-
Nay, rather more likely to sever the sorry ties
That exist twixtt the Rifles and Horse-Guards' nuthoritios.
But the worst of it is, ill-disposed people tell us,
M'MiURDO is not so much zealous as jealous.
The French EMPErOR now by his friends must be seen
To look blue-or (see KINGLAKE) more probably green,
For, in spite of his fine grande armdee de Mexique,
And the talk, how 'twas going fresh glory to seek,
The results yet achieved are remarkably weak,
At least, so we guess,
For, of course, the French press
No reliable facts is permitted to glean;
And, although some successes reported have been,
There is hardly a doubt that, if looked at with stricter eyes,
They would much more resemble repulses than victories.

PRINCE ALFRED-the news we're delighted to tell,
And the public to hear-is reported quite well.
In fact, for this once we will simply adopt a line
(Which, though seemingly boastful of friendly relations
With personages, gracing most eminent stations,
Public doubts will allay),
And honestly say,
That the Royal Lieutenant to FUN has just dropt a line:-
Dear FUN," it doth run, I've got over the fever,
And am now quite as jolly and hearty as ever."
There's Paddy of Cork,
Has been making nice work,
By creating all sorts of unmannerly shindies,
And breaking all peaceable Protestant's windies,"
Wherein lamp or lantern, or gas device brightened,
By loyalty lighted,
When the PRINCE was united.


Yet about Pat's real feeling we need not be frigihteined,
For, of course, 'twas the priests
Hounded on the wild beasts-
Wo know how they hate to see Ireland enlighte.ned.


VOLUNTEER INTEILI GENC H.


UIRTI IERl details of tie causes of
the unfori unato ilifflerenc. that has
arisen between Privato W-l,1-NS
S and his superior officers have rearch-
ed our cars. It is whispered lhat
it is not wholly unconnected with
Sa t certain annual payment talken
in conjunction with a iftllporiry
stagnation in Ilhut gontfleliien'
private resources. Throihoug ,
the atailr YR. W-i.uK-Ns has
acted in the ttru spirit, oft indepen-
doncoo which has ever ciiharanctorizedt
the British tradesnmn. Conscious
that lie could not, coinistintly with
what was duo to lhiimsollf present
himself on parade to l publicly
dunned by his sri:jeint, fur I wiit,
wns duo to the reginiont, hI deilir-
liined, on the occasion ol'f th recent
battalion pride of tli 7t i iiin:liut,
to havo aprivato parade of his own,
mid, disdaining to resort tu tli
untradcsmniliko practice of saying
It's the samel concern," lhe holly
announced himself as iln iindlepin-
dent battalion. l31 mastered liin-
self at 8 a.m., and having fallen in
(with a friend), he I'provd his coln-
pony (the friend's) was worth haiv-
ing by borrowing half-a-crown of him on the spot. Tihe regimnii t then
mounted an omnibus, and wheeled into line (of carriages, uider tlie
direction of the police who regulated the traffic). liere the hatIhalion
met with a customer and took open order (for coats and troisers), and
on parting company, presented arnm (with hands at the ond 'of' (thni),
which, however, the bloated aristocrat declined to slihak. I'ro(,('ding
to the business of the day, MAi. W--LK-N s inarched himself to Eppiig
Forest, where he attempted a variety of complicated nmanluiriir'sn, but
owing to the limited nature of lis organization, with only piartiil suc-
cess. 1He was discovered, late that evening, deployed into an irregul' r
line on his left flank, and vainly endeavoring to retire in double
column of sub-divisions from both flinks in rear of the cointre, liiadl al
feot leading off, followed by knees and chest. c lo tIen r('-trin(, cd
column right in front (of the King's Head), and tmarceld toI (King':;)
Hlead-quarters. The regimentr,h ever, had scarcely gone (.hrIough
the usual salute (to the barmaid), before it encountered tle regiiieniit'H
wife. This was the signal for falling out, and the regiment and its
wife fell out accordingly.


THE EASTERN QUESTION.
A IITmL is about to be brought into I'arliinment for the. rrgulntion
of the London bakehouses. Wo hardly expect it to Ipas without
some fermentation, for there is certain to bo some M.P. really to take
the master-baker's rule, and gather a few bout hinm in tn oven-
sive and defensive alliance. Parliament, however, will lib suro
eventually to pass the bill, more especially as FUN has looked over
the draft, and made some suggestions in tle matter. Tlire are
two good clauses in it: the first to prevent lads under eighteen
fiom over-ratin' their strength at the kneading trough, tlie second
enacting that the journeyman shall lie down in a separate room from
that in which the bread is rising. A very proper plan for hieping
the weary workmen aloaf fiom the baking.


OF COURSE IT WAS !-As SIR G. GREY was compelled to give way to
the local authorities when the PRINCESS or WAL:s passed through tlit
city, the procession may be said to have been a concession as well.
CRUSHES AND CRUISHERs.-One of the aldermen, who got rouglily
handled on the 7th in the procession, says that the City vaitod on by
its police, is naturally badly sitti-vatcd in a crowd."
DESPAIR.-There's no such thing Even an ugly woman hopes.


_1


17








18 FIT





iIi i l^^ iit 1' t' '' iiIiil ^ ^iI'


AMONG THE STATUES AT SYDENHAM.
Gushing Spinster :-" Oil! MR. JONES, DON'T 0OU ADORE THE ANTIQUE ?"
.Toncs (who came with the Baker girls, but has somehow been transferred to G. S., and doesn't
seem to see it):-"E ? On! All! YEs! TilAT is-i~IMarble!"


[MAuCH 28, 1863.


THERE IS BUT LEG BAIL FOR ME.
Air-" The cottage by the sea."
AT the county court attending,
For a bill for forty bob,
Not a pal stood up befriending,
So it was a sorry job.
Time has brought a judgment summons,
'Tis my sad fate it to see,
I've a strong dislike to limbo,
So there's but leg bail for me.
What though once I rolled in riches,
All is gone, I grieve to say;
Not a copper in my breeches,
Though you hunted all the day.
As to preaching to his honour,
About honest poverty,
It's all gammon-I must hook it,
There is but leg bail for me.
Forty days shut up in limbo,
They may choose to take who will,
Forty miles away I'm thinking,
Now will serve me better still.
No offence I mean his honour,
Long I hope his face to see,
But it must be in the distance-
There is but leg bail for me.


A PROMINENT FEATURE.
IN the list of wedding presents received
by the PRINCESS OF WALES on the occa-
sion of her marriage, and reported at
length inthe Times, is thefollowing charm-
ing little sowvenir-one that, in the matter
of originality at least, will certainly carry
off the palm:-
"A very handsome corbeille de noses, some of
the articles in which were made by Miss Unitt,
Miss Grive, Mrs. Heath, Mr. Nestor, Messrs.
Lewis and Allenby, and Mr. Caley, Messrs. Bird
and Allen and Mrs. Seymour, at Windsor."
A corbeille de noses, all a-blowing and
smelling sweetly, no doubt, and containing
a specimen of every variety of nose, from
the PRINCESS'S own unexceptionable organ
down to that of a prizefighter, is a present
to which Her Royal Highness would never
say nez."


A SONG FOR THE CITY POLICE.
YE gentlemen of Parliament and people of this nation,
Just listen for a moment to a peeler's exp auation,
How PRINCESS ALEXANDRA came to wed the PRINCE OF WALES,
How RICHARD tries to keep the way, but most entirely fails,
And how he writes and boldly says the whole fault of the job is,
That he couldn't any way control the force of city bobbies.
My eye! there was a crush that day, as true as I'm a peeler,
The whole of London had turned out, from lord to cabbage-dealer.
No barren spot could there be seen from Gravesend to the city,
And even now I feel too hoarse to finish off this ditty,-
For peelers are but mortal men, though dressed in blue and buttons,
And law can't make a man a god: return we to our muttons.
A bobby to a thousand men; that, sirs, was just the ratio,
As if we, keeping London-bridge, were sons of great HORATIO :
I saw my pal's high shining hat among the surging crowd,
And cried, JACK, keep the people back," but he cried just as loud;
'Twas vain to beg and supplicate, 'twas vain for to entreat,
For all the answer we could get was How is your poor feet "
We stumbled on before the crowd like chaff before the wind,
While volunteers and police vans came and stopped the way behind;
We showed our buttons to the men, appealed to women's hearts,
And even promised little boys eternities of tarts,

But all exclaimed with awful lungs, Oh! you're a perfect cure! "
And now that London's quiet again, the people all gone home,
We're dragged into tlhe Parliament with Estimates" and Rome.


Some chaps who sat in carriages, say what we ought to have done,
But LoKn MAYOR RosE sticks up for us, the p'liceman's champion!
'Twas volunteers who made the fuss, says our first magistrate,
They didn't reach their place in time and wouldn't then go straight.
This, then, my lords and gentlemen, 's the peeler's explanation,
I send it to our old friend FUN for 'mediate publication;
He'll see that we're done justice by nor hustled by our foes,
While LORD MAT'Oi ROSE will watch our case in Parliament I knows
Where then the fault, if fault there be, in this gigantic job is,
I think I've somewhat cleared our force-the force of city bobbies.


THERE'S SOMETHING G'ROTTEN.
No wonder the alarmed Legislature carried a bill for the whipping
of midnight ruffians! No wonder the vendors of bowie knives,
revolvers, and sword-sticks are retiring on competencies! The
extent of the panic caused by the late robberies with violence" is
unlimited. Even our staid contemporary, the Daily Telegraph,
is frightened into incoherency at the very thought of it. It exclaims
frantically in a leader on the 16th instant, Apropos of the metropolitan
police-
They did nothing whatever to stop the carnage of rapine and violence, and
the public had to protect themselves by patrolling the streets armed to the
teeth."
Perhaps our friend will find time to tell us, now the paroxysm of
terror is over, what is meant by the "carnage of rapine and violence ?"
Is it an euphuistic paraphrase for the Hibernian "Och, murther! he's
picked my pocket! "


~-~~-I-^~'~I~L~M~"~~~II-----"


1"*-T


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IMAInnH 28, 1863.]


IFUI*N.


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 29.-SIR HUGH IM'CALMONT CAIRNS, MI.P.
SIR HUGH M'CALMONT CAIRNS is a be-knighted Tory lawyer. lHe
was born in Down, in Ireland, but has made a rise since then.
Trinity College, Dublin, had the honour of educating him, and gave
him several in return fo'r it. He was a first-class in classics-a first-
class in a train of fortunate circumstances which ended in his getting
a return ticket for Belfast.
On leaving Trin. Coll. he migrated to London, where lie entered
the Middle Temple. In these days a Templar is not called upon to
fight actual battles (although the Benchers have occasional skirmishes
with witnesses at their private inquiries), and does not so often obtain
knighthood for waging a holy war in Palestine as for assisting in an
unholy warfare in Parliament. "In Medio fittissimts ibis"-" You
are very safe in the Middle Temple "-was the device adopted by
the worthy knight whose adventures we record; but he adopted
other devices as well, and very ingenious ones. Proclaiming himself
a champion of the Conservative party, he entered the lists-of
expectants-and flung down his gage, which was a narrow one to suit
his views, This Irish leanin' towards Toryism was calioolated to
advance him in his profession, and eventually won him his spurs.
In 1856 he was made a Q.C. and a bencher of Lincoln's Inn, and
may be considered the chief legal star on the Conservative benches-
for he has certainly distanced most of his rivals in the race for
preferment, although he gave them a good deal of law.
In 1858 LoRD DERBY came to power, and the place-hunters of
his party had to be supplied with pickings. On that occasion this
particular supplicant became Solicitor-General, and was knighted
while the Tories had their day.
The race of DERBY was, however, soon run. The Tories, after
trying to foist off some sham re-forms, were driven back again to
the opposition benches. SIR HuGII CAIINS did not, therefore,
arrive at the top of the ladder at this time. He still has grounds
for gratitude (for future favours), and must wait for further advance-
ment until the return of his faction to power. We hope his gratitude
may last for years, and his advance be left alone for a long time, for
we are not at all anxious to have the Government composed of men
of Dizzy-ness instead of business.
SIR HUGH CAIRNS holds political principles as old as his namesakes,
and very much like them in containing a few articles of value chiefly
for their antiquity, amid mounds of rubbish. It is not very easy to
understand how so shrewd and clever a man as he is can hold such
wrong-headed obsolete views, but principles and interest are closely
connected in many instances, and, in undertaking a 9'6le in the farce
of Tory Government, the Q.C. may see a cue that he thinks it wise
to act upon. There is, therefore, small chance of SIR HuCuL's changing
his colours.
As a speaker he has shown great ability, and has attained a well-
merited reputation for eloquence and oratory. His talents as a special
pleader have no doubt been greatly serviceable to many bad cases
besides that of'the Tory party, and in the defence of his colleagues
he has doubtless exercised and perfected his skill in flinging around
the questionable characters, who honour him with their confidence in
their moments of trial," an air of honesty and respectability well calcu-
lated to impose on the British public. By his command of language
and imagery, and his imaginative genius, he invests with attributes of
virtue the vices of the parties that are in the dock, and of the doctrines
that are in his party.
Nevertheless, though we condemn his politics and his party, we
must give bold HUGH his due for having hewed out a path to distinction
in a career of usefulness at the bar, of which he is an ornament-not
claiming, perhaps, to be a pure diamond, but at all events to be a
Cairns-gorm, and dizen the distinctions and honours of a learned pro-
fession. HUGH, euge!


"THOUGH LOST TO SIGHT TO MEMORY DEAR."-The City Remem-
brancer, having to await an answer from LORD PALMERSTON at the
Mansion House, was not present in the civic procession on the 7th.
Some people having attributed his absence to disregard and disloyalty,
we hasten to assure them that the City Remembrancer did not forget
himself.
INCONSISTENT.-AiRCIBnISHOP CUt.LEN is reported to have denounced
crinoline as excessively vain. BPt surely a circular letter was not
.the best vehicle for the condemnation.
SSQUARING THE CIRCLE.-" I thay, THAInBO, what am de meanin' ob
de term religious circles ? "-Why, go 'long; ob course, dey am do
retr s round Dis-centre."
RAPID CONSUMPTION.-Bolting one's food.


THE INSURRECTION IN POLAND.
(From oar Special Correspondent.)
Warsaw, March the-(Dead one ill Sani).
THE revolution is slowly turning round in the provinces, and proves
as incessantly and excessively irritating as a nusquito to the Mlusco-
vite authorities. The Russian troops appear to be rushing hither and
thither (but principally thither) in search of insurgents, whose move-
ments, on the contrary, seem directed towards preventing tlio coin-
mander of any large force from exercising a policy, or exclaiming, ".\
Polo I see I of any kind.
Six thousand muskets wore sent from Russia through tlhe Danubiani
principalities, but the insurgents are reported to have enaptired and
gone off with them. This, if true, is important, as it is current-ly
rumoured that they are raisin-g regular regiments, and in such case
every musket-tells.
Great excitement is caused by the general belief that English police
officers, in the pay of the Czar, aro domiciled here. Certainly the
autocrat ought to create a force of Iis own, and not feel himself com-
pelled to resort to MAYNE force in governmental matters. Nor do I
quite understand the policy of the British ministry in thus translahting
their pet term, "non-intervention," for it will most assuredly liilppIn
that if they continue to send peelers to Poland, the astute NA.'l1,'.L-oN
(who is not so green as he is said to appear) will feel himself fully
justified in looking after the Rhine.
The Archbishop of Warsaw, MONSIGNOR ]FEI.NSKI, has1 i nidered his
resignation as member of the Polish Council of State. f this inili':l 'I
sympathy with the insurgents, he hnd bettor exercise his spirietal
attributes, and transmigrate himself without delay, lest theo paternal
government, by a summary exhibition of wintry severity, should lit
him for the ski without Felin(g)s at all.
By the resolution of tie Central National Committee, G(:NrIru L
LANGIEWICZ has been proclaimed Dictator of Poland, with GI;NEIAL\
WYSOZKI as his military coadjutor, and GENERALS llh;iusilltli nd
KANDLESTICZ as his aides-do-camp, while the civil administration lIuas
been entrusted to POENTKOWSKI, as the mncro attempt to pronounce hin
formidable name is calculated to discolato the jaw of any other min.
Order and the weather reign alternately in Warsaw. Several still
boys, found guilty of insurgent principles, liavo this diy paid their
poll-tax beneath the axo of the Russian headsman, as a Ipnalty 1ir
their crimes, and the Czar is said to have sneezed satisfactorily.


1MATHEMA'TICAL PROBLEMS.
Required-
To sit comfortably in a chair, the back and seat of which nro nfa
right angles.
To know when skating whether a plano superficies lhaih length and
breadth by personal experience.
To find the centre of a family circle when there is cold matl, I;)i
dinner, and a few female friends of some benevolent society coming
to tea in the evening.
To find the centre of gravity whon SOTEIIEN is performing at t11e
Haymarket.
To feel gratified on seeing in the mirror over the drawing-room
mantel-piece.after (as you thought) a telling ent/rdt, tile segmllont of a
circle beautifully imprinted oni your brow from tile rim of your hlat.
To find that sticking the fish-hook into the fleshy part of your arm
is anything but an acute angle.
To shave with your razor at a right angle without cutting your
throat, or that, if you do so partially, you think it a right angle.


EPIGRAM.
ON THE DISORDEi IN THE CITY ON Tea 7TiT.
'TwAs due, we suppose,
To the M1ayor, Mil. ROSE,
That the PRINcESS was crowded by rough and by bumpkin;
For botany shows,
And everyone knows
The fact, that a squash is the fruit of a plmp-kin.


A Goon-FOu-KNoL'r.-Why does the EM'uPEo oR 0 RUSSIA whip hi.s
weight" in ruflians?-Because he's a knout-and-knout bad man.
Wmeicr is the worst, a railway company that pulls down a street,
or a pickpocket that outs up a court ?
THE NATIONAL DEBT (ad likely to remain so fo' ra Ing time).-Prize-
money.


10


._._









FU*Nr.


A FLEET-STREET SKETCH.


SPRING.
COME, bursting, gushing, laughing Spring;
Come, verdant fields and trees;
Come, flowers that bloom, come, birds that sing;
Come, lambs, ducks, and green peas.
As, every year, the teeming plain
Springs, verdure-clad, to life ;
Why should not ire, then, bloom again,
My ever vernal wife ?
Oh rubbish-talk of years gone by,
My ANGELINA, dear;
What matter if yourself and I,
Have passed another year ?
I know, my love, we're not quite "new,"
But that should not cause grief-
Think that our neighbours get old too;
Ah that is some relief.
That sneer about my sight nigh gone,
I really don't deserve ;
My glasses, love, are merely worn
The eyesight to preserve.
My fine eyes, that glass shade behind,
Seem dull when you look through;
But they've grown sharper now, you'll find,
Than when they first saw you.
Just as a spring-cloud in its drift
Obscures the sun's bright ray ;
Now, see, when I my glasses lift-
My eyes still brilliant, oh ?


Perhaps my hair is thin above,
And falling off, alas !
Well, that effect is caused, my love,
By studying too near gas.
Yet, stay-I had a fever, too,
A hairbreadth 'scape, 'twas called,
Of life-the doctors "pulled me through "-
The hairbreadth see-I'm bald.
But birds, in moult, their plumage shod,
Renewing it each year;
And why not-dearest, scan my 'Lad,
Do new spring hairs appear ?
What! I did not cut my best /zont teeth ?
Now, really, that's not fa; -
Come, love, it's cold, take 4ff that wreath,
And put on your back hair.


TIoE TRIMurP OF BAccnus.-Winning, which is most certainly the
triun ph of backers.
TuH- FIRST WOMAN OF THE DAY.-Your maidservant.
THE MAN OF THE DAY.-Yourself.

The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with Numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by distin-
guisihed writers, is now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the THIRD Volivme of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d. each.
The whole of the back numbers have been reprinted, and /re constantly
on sale.


PI'ntcd and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Fleet-street, E.G.-March28, 1863.









FU N.


APRIL 4, 1863.]


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Conmmtunicatec by a Member of the Arch-l-g-o-l Scciety.


THE SAVOY.-No. II.
A GREAT philosopher, either BACON, GRIMALDI, SIR TlHOMAS MORE,
or JOE MILLER, we are not quite sure which, tells us that every dog
has his day," and if every dog, why not every building? Certainly
the Savoy is no exception to the rule, for it not only had its day, but
ultimately went completely to the dogs.
During JOHN OF GAUNT's possession, the palace was destroyed by
WAT TYLER, who in his zeal for reform, not being able to catch JOHN
himself and dismiss him from his various offices, determined, at any
rate, to give his dwelling the sack. Accordingly, on the 12th of
June, 1381, MR. T., who may be regarded as a medieval Chartist,
without a charter, arrived one fine morning before the Savoy much to
the disgust of the noble owner, who politely asking to what he was
indebted for the honour of this visit, received as answer that WAT
looked upon himself as one of the lights of the people, and, as such,
was of course a burner, and so meant to begin with the Savoy; while
for JOHN'S various tyrannies, he considered the best match he could
find was a congreve one. Upon which the mob proceeded to set fire
to the palace in the most approved manner, and the illumination was
got up with that disregard for expense which is always shown when
the cost falls upon somebody else. The palace was entered, and the
furniture, like a vessel in a storm, got very much among the breakers,
while the gold and silver plate was smashed and thrown into the
river as the fittest place for a floating medium. To prove the honesty
of their intentions, WAT ordered that anyone found stealing anything
should lose his head, or, as an old historian quaintly has it, Ye
manne whatte dyd nobble should forfete his nobbe." One of these
reforming gentry, however, unable to withstand the charms of a gold
plate, was caught annexing the same, and brought before WAT TYLER,
who being very busy at the time, on hearing the charge, impatiently
exclaimed, Oh! go to blazes," and so he did, for the delinquent was
instantaneously thrown into the flames, where, though not a Turk, he
soon became a hotter man. Finally, the Savoy was blown up, partly,
however, by accident, for the rebels, finding some barrels of gun-
powder, which they supposed to contain valuables, flung them into
the fire, and the result was that the Savoy, like many modern volumes
of poetry, became a collection of fugitive pieces.


For a century and a half the Savoy remained a heap of ruins, the
playground of the boys and the rendezvous of cats. At last, IIENRY
VII. determined that it should be rebuilt as a hospital for 100 poor
people, and for this purpose in his will 10,000 marks were left, which
was right. Being Government work the builders, of course, did not
hurry themselves, and the hospital was not finished until the time of
his son, HENRY VIII., when a master and four chaplains were appointed.
In spite, however, of this four-parson power, the Savoy got into very
bad repute, as the resort of thieves and other improprieties not usually
mentioned to ears polite, and became as disreputable as the Noe
York Herald. In the reign of KING EDWARD VI. it was shut up,
reopened by MARY, closed by ELIZABETH, and altogether went through
as many changes as the last scene of a burlesque or Drury Lane
Theatre; but was not finally done away with till the time of QUEEN
ANNE, when a commission being appointed, it was found' that the
purposes of the hospital were utterly neglected, the manFor proving
not only a master of the establishment, but also of corruption and
forgery, and long ere the commissioners got to the bottom of his
offences, they found out lio was a man of great depth; the conse-
quence of which was, he was dismissed without a character-not that
lie over had one-and the hospital was dissolved.
In the Savoy were held numerous ecclesiastical confereocos, con-
cerning which we shall only say that as the members never agreed
with one another, the account of their doings is not likely to agree
with us ; consequently we shall let them alone: and in the time of
CHARLES II. it was used as a hospital for the sailors and soldiers who
were wounded in the Dutch war of 166G, and who were there taken
in and medically done for.
After its final dissolution under QUEEN ANNE, the hospital fell into
ruins, and the place was ultimately built upon ; so that now of the
ancient palace, where JOHN OF FRANCE sang loud at the feast to make
up for singing small in the fight, where "time-honoured LANCASTER "
ruled the roast until WAT TYLER roasted his house, and where various
other incidents occurred, as the reporters say, too numerous to
mention, nothing now remains but the chapel: a fact all must regret,
and which is really enough to make an antiquarian chap ill.


THE GROOK AND THE LADY.
A LAY FROMl SIR CRESSWELL'S COURT.
Air -"Morrily goes the mill."
MERRILY goes SIR CRESSWELL'S court,
Showing up men as brutes ;
And many a one can speak of fun
That's gleaned from femliino suits.
When the lady's old
And the man is bold,
And a groom or a coachman bred,
Who says he will
Cut her throat, while still,
Hle plucks hair out of her head !
Well may the lady's heart bo sad,
Well may she humbly pray
For SIR CRESSWELL CRESSWELL'S decree uisi,
To put him for ever away.
And that from the sneak,
Five shillings per week,
She now, should seek to regain,
The sum she paid,
When seeking her aid,
He wrote from Horsemonger-lano.
Peace is the lady's portion now,
With her brew'ry's golden drops,
And her purblind eyes and wrinkled brow,
And teeth from the dental shops.
She hath snapt the tie,
Altho' once not shy,
To be courting her brother's groom;
And he now may go
To the shades below,
Or back to his pail and broom !


UNREPORTED SPEECII OF A MEMBER OF THE MINISTRY.-1 The
Government takes the deepest interest in the veterans who have fought
and bled for their country. It takes the interest of the prize-money,
which is their due, and is likely to remain so." (Loud cries of" Owe!
Owe !")


Iv. p








F UN:.


-22


[APRIL 4, 1863.


HELPING LAME DOGS OVER THEIR STYLE.


cheering.) I say, gentlemen, that, observing tho menacing attitude of
a neighboring power, that I believe in my heart that this is
S. /D.... -


F course, FUN in the flesh is te empnatcally a peace nmuvemeun kL eewev cflerizng.) I ueuevo
guest of the evening whenever he from my heart, as a military man, that it is calculated to enshrine all
graces public banquets. The Lone our brightest hearths and dearest homes." (Protracted applause.)
)Rgraces public banquets. The LORD ^.ANYBODY :--
'I MAYoR; "Mr. Master" of the Ma. ANYBOD:
v MAYnou Mr.i Master o the glit "In rising to return thanks for the cordial manner in which you
Sg Goldsmits to the "art cove have done me the honour to drink my health, I can only say that I
saziono"-giving I ronmongers; and, regret it has not fallen to the lot of a more able speaker than myself
sazione "-giving Ironmongers; andf to return thanks for the honour you have done me. (o no !) I can
indeed, chairmen generally, feel only say, sir, that this is the proudest moment of my life, and that I

ofplaeand theirchoicest delicacies d cannot find words to express my gratitude for the honour you have'
But as HORACE, his favourite Latin done me."
poet, sings :- hints in good part, and profit by thom.
S"Districtus ensis cui super impia
S Cervico pendet, non Siculem dapes
Duflccm elaborabunt saporem;"*
so, in like manner, neither turtle OUR SICK CONTRIBUTOR.
nor truffles, "comet" hock nor
"cabinet" Steinberger, can afford "WELL, this morning-any better ?"
full pleasure to his unerring palate, Asks the winsome, wifely nurse;
while his brilliant and scholarlike Sorrowfully must I answer,
mind is being tortured by hearing No, my darling-rather worse.
the inevitably wretched speeches Brig me tea, or something sloppy,
7 which afflict orators and company Whilst I write my comic copy."
directly the cloth has been removed Prop my head-another pillow-
and Non nobis" sung. The Steady with your hands my desk-
innate loyalty of every Englishman Now for light and humourous writing-
Seasily enables him to propose the Now for quirk and quip grotesque!
health of our beloved Sovereign Ha I see, a comic notion,
and the Royal Family in suitable terms ; but it is not until the toasts "Half-past one, dear; here's the lotion "
of the Army and Navy, the Volunteers, Lord So-and-so, Mr. Anybody,
etc., have to be drunk and responded to that the QUEEN'S English is Lotion duly used, the labour
so cruelly outraged, that gross flatteries, truisms, incoherencies, Recommences once again;
repetitions, and divers other elements of oratorical failure, are so Yes, by Jove, a funny fancy,
paiinfilly manifest. Mindful of his sufferings, and in pity, therefore, And, within my weary brain,
tor lame after-dinner speakers and their victims, FUN now helps them It, ere long, shall be a fixture-
over their style with a few models; for which, however, no merits, "Half-past two, love; here's the mixture "
lieyond a thoroughly unhackneyed turn of thought and a chaste mixture taken, I continue
inmplieity of phraseology, are claimed. Confident of the success of Writing persifae and chaff
these models, we even venture to denote the points at which they will Andre long I p uite enjoy itc
command applause. First, then, a gallant officer, all stars and Yes, it even makes me laugh!
urt rs, may thus return thanks for the Army-not with a flippant Whilst my laugh is growing louder
Iflawny, but rather with that diffident delivery so becoming to the Half-past three, dear; here's the powder!"

tcntliemnc,-Sir-h'm-ha-h'm. In rising to return thanks for Well, at last, it's nearly over;
tliat branch-ha--h'm-for the Army (cheers) ..... proud .... Stay-I'll add a final pun;
honour you have done mo. Ha-h'm. Sir, the British Army, sir Take it, darling, to the devil
that is, gentlemen; .. .. in return, I beg to return Waiting, in the hall, for FUN.
you my best thanks in return." Bring mandragora or poppy,
Hlow much better a brief yet eloquent speech like this, than the I have done my comic copy.
long-winded disjointed ones endured after most feasts!
Next for a son of ocean:- THIS IS THE COPY.
In rising, Mr. Chair, in rising to return thanks for the Navy, to If a silver watch were a father, what disease would it resemble ?-
which I have the honour to be a humble ornam-I say, gentlemen, a A sire-ticker (sciatica).
humble member ..... I say, Mr. Chair, that I am a man of few Why is a man, who suffers from attacks of gout, but not from gout
words. The British Navy, gentlemen, has ever, I may say, been alone, like another who occasionally resides with his maternal parent ?
more distinguished for its actions more than for its words. (Cheers.) -Because if he has the gout some days, he has a rheumatism others
The wooden walls of old England have braved the battle and the (room at his mother's!)
breeze, and will do so again. (Enthusiastic cheers.) The hearts of
oak ..... that is, gentlemen, what would the immortal NELSON
say in these days of steam, now clad with iron P But you may con-
fidently believe that our heads and hearts are the same; our hearts INTELLIGIBLE INTELLIGENCE.
are still in the right place, and of iron, and our heads are still of f in t w r iv a M
wood." (Sensation.) TIE following telegrams were received at MR. REUTERWRONG'S
office yesterday
The Volunteers, whom FUN respects, are especially entreated to ce ynsester
infuse a little more originality into their otherwise admirable speeches. Th rTmour that ANDEsoPNos is likely o oals with APT IES
After the preamble, lot them harangue their audience somewhat in gains credence.
this fashion :- s eence
PARTs.
The Volunteer movement is not an aggressive movement. It is The feniteus has the following :-"In view of possibly cotingent
mit intended as a menace to a neighboring friendly power. As a eventualities, the initiative of the situation belongs logically to the
military man, now of some standing, I may observe that it has government of the EMPEoOR. Instructions couched in this sense
recently been observed that the motto of the Volunteers is, 'Derence, have been forwarded to the French embassy at St. Petersburg."
not defiance.' (Cheers.) And I say emphatically, and in the highest Pee
sense of the word, that this is emphatically a peace movement. (Loud a co.in
KOKKIEWACZ has evacuated Optwigoze, and is in full retreat upon
For the benefit of M.P.'s (and remember, gentlemen, the i in cervice is longer Skymyrski. The bands of SCIIRZKGNECKI have been dispersed, and
e th peehes)and to spa e to stupid broker, who that ladder (leader ?) has taken refuge in the forest of KoNSONANZ.
urely be sed for a translation by the millions of pretty sisters who read Ftr,c
thnt great personage appends an English rendering (the true gentleman is MXICO, VERA CRUz.
merciful even to the humblest of mankind):-- Silician dainties will not force a GENERAL FOBEY has despatched an expeditionary corps to Poco-
delicious relish to him above whose impious neck the naked sword impends." catapetl, in the direction of Ictzictzictzl. ORTEGA holds Puebla.









APRIL 4, 1863.]


FUTN.


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 30.-AUSTEN HENRY LAYARD, M.P., D.C.L., ETC.
AUSTEN HENRY LAYARD is a cosmopolitan. He is English by
parentage; evidently, as his name shows, of Scottish extraction, being
probably descended from the Laird of Cockpen," and he wis born
in Paris. Ho first saw the light there in 1817, two years aft4 the
Battle of Waterloo (called by some historians "the judgment on Paris"),
when it was occupied by forces, known as the army of occupation,"
-perhaps because they had nothing to do, and had no business
there.
Although a man of perfectly sound intellect, he appears to have
given evidences of a wandering mind in his early youth. He Russ-
ticated for a short period in the north of Europe-le may even have
taken Steppes to become acquainted with Tartary. From Russia he
bent his way southward, from the country of tallow toward the land of
Greece. He visited Albania, and roamed through Roumelia, and then
settled for a short space-with a taste for travel as varied as the
colours so inconstant in opal-in Constantinople. Here he became
the correspondent of a London daily paper, but he cared less for a
journal than a journey, and, no doubt, at Times, the btspatcl of the
News of the World by every Morning Post ( the Telegrdoh at that time
had not attained its present Standard), must hatre been a Daily
Nets-ance to him. He found he had made a mistake. Accordingly,
he threw down his pen, struck his tent, and, penitent for his error,
became a knight-errant once more. He traversed Persia, and then
persia-vered in prosecuting his researces ini a heW arena-the sands
of Arabia.
At Mosul, in the neighbourhood of Nimrond, he found MoNSIstun
BOTTA engaged on behalf of the French government in the dig-nified
work of excavation in search of antiquities. &A desire for excavation
at once undermined all his love of travel, and ieth his return to Con-
stantinople, the wish to root out the Birs Ninruidud stuck to him. He,
therefore, impressed on SIa STRATFORD CAMnaiif (better knof as
the "Great Eltchi") that spades were truamps i(Ad if he had one in
his hand, he would lead up to great discoveries, and turn up a show
of relics worth seeing. The great Eltchi inclined to his suit, and
offered to share the expense. Backed up by these friendly spade-
guineas, LAYARD relinquished the grand tour for the tour de Babel,
and started for Nimroud as a mighty hunter for antiquities. Before
long, he began his explorations in the site of a city that was no longer
seen. He knuckled down to his work with vigour, and won many
fine marbles which now grace the British Museum. He has published
several works upon his discoveries, which have obtained him a reputa-
tion as an exhume-orous writer. In 1848 Oxford gave him leave, in
Commemoration, and out of gratitude for his labours in the cause of
history, to affix D.C.L.* at the end of his name.
In 1852, having already entered on a political career as an attache
at Constantinople, he was returned for Aylesbury. His immediate
appointment as Under Secretary for Foreign Affairs was no more than
his due, but it was missed by so many who had aimed at it, that his
reign was a stormy one and quickly over. Nevertheless, on the fall of
the RUSSELL Cabinet, LORD DERBY so highly appreciated him that he
offered to confirm him in his under-secretaryship until LORD STANLEY'S
return from abroad, and then give him a diplomatic appointment.
LAYARD, however, for obvious reasons declined the offer of the Tory
chief, et dona ferentem.
In 1853 the Corporation presented him with the freedom of their
city; perhaps they thought from the freedom he had taken with
ancient Nineveh, that he might take the same with modern Babylon.
When LORD ABERDEEN'S ministry was formed, LAYARD was offered
a high appointment, probably the Irish Secretaryship, it being con-
cluded from his Nineveh experiences that he knew something about
bulls. As, however, it was an office not in connexion with the Eastern
Question, he refused to take it, and returned to' Constantinople.
There he did not long stay, owing to some difference with SiR
STRATFORD CANNING, but, coming back to England, made some very
energetic speeches on the affairs of the East. In 18514 he went to
look on in the Crimea, and was a spectator of the Alma from the
maintop of the Agagnemnon. After the Inkermann he returned to
England, and was one of the most urgent in demanding the commission
of inquiry into the state of the army-a commission which was without
any immediate results, but of which we now see the fruits in the
better management of our military affairs. In 1857 he ceased to be
M.P. for Aylesbury, which has been Smallbeersbury ever since, and
represented by nonentities. He then became one of the leaders of
the Administrative Reform Association, being an advanced Liberal,
in favour of the ballot, and opposed to the brutal lash.

Note by-Priter's Devil.-Deuced Clever LAYARD.


During the Indian mutiny lie paid a visit to India, and india-
ustriously investigated the cause of the rebellion.
In 1860 lie once again entered the House of Commons as I.P'. for
Southwark, on the death of SIR CHARLES NAI'IER, lnd in the Hub-
sequent year was re-appointed to his old post, which lie still retains.
Ms. LAYAnR is an excellent speaker, full of fire and energy. Ilis
views are generally sound and liberal. It is, perhaps, a pity that lie
should take office under that incorrigible old Tory, PAM, but it is good
training for him against the time when lie holds high office in a real
Liberal ministry. For, without ansten-tation, AUSTEN LAYARD may
lay hard odds that we shall one day see him at the head of Foreign
Affairs.

CONCERNING SPIRITUALISM.
AN ESSAY FROM THIE "RAMBLER."
SPIRITUALISM was invented to amuso a mad French king-I forget
which-and it might have been cards--but I know it Was something
by which rogues make money out of fools. It was extensively-and
perhaps is still-practised by a person, who is a compound of Scotch
and American, and is called HOME, or HUME, or HUrEBUG, or Hinilm'
-I incline to think the latter. The greatest humbug next to hlimi is
the story of Scratching FANNY," who was a connexion of Norval'H
on the Grampian hills-at least so I think, but am not certain. IlBu
the passage is to be found in HoME's Douglas or rDUNGLAs'S Homo--
or the Asylum for Idiots. However, I am wandering from my point,
which is, or was-which ought itt to be P-I have mislaid my graninar
-or is it my dictionary P Nevertheless, FORBES MACKENZIE was
certainly no believer in it. And whatever the teetotallers may say,
spirits should not be above proof, and of that I could produce con-
elusive evidence, if I had not somehow mislaid the memorandum I
made, in case I should forget the place where I had deposited the
documents-though how it came to be mislaid-Stop, I have it-
speaking of "how it" reminds me that perhaps after all it was not
HOME but HowITT that I meant. I am almost persuaded it Was, because
after BREWSTER was shown some of the t ricks, he said, How it can
impose on sensible people I can't guess P That was when HOME took
a pewter pot of stout at BARCLAY and PERKINS'S, and said their was
spirits in it." That was how he (I forget who) became such a strong
sup-porter of the delusion, and wrote several works, dedicated to
MR. GLADSTONE, on the circulating medium," because somebody
said someone -else had been told he floated round the room wlien
it was so dark you couldn't see. Perhaps the book was the Table
of Logarithms "-of course it was, for none but logs and blockheads
would be bubbled out of their money by seeing a table tilted up. By-
the-bye, I'm not quite sure, when he was suspended in air, whether
he had a rope round his neck, but, at all events, if not, he ought to
have had one-and on his back, too!

THE DUKE'S SOLILOQUY.
A REJECTED ADDRen8.
STILL must I read, while penny papers write,
And daily telegraph their flimsy spite,
Because I did, so run their coarse remarks,
To PRINCE OF W(n)ALES present a Prince of Sharks,
At recent love, on his quick release
From penal luxuries and kind police,
With special ticket countersigned by GaEY ?
May/lap siy folks will think myprotog6
Thus well in ton's selectest circle placed
By me, I with him justly am dis-Graced.
Oh! nature's noblest gifts, a calm disdain
Of sneers, engender'd in a common brain;
Be mine, in solemn silence, until it,
A nine day's wonder, shall from mem'ry flit!
[Exit haughtily, whistling the "Lighlt of thle JiHrl;i."


PUBLIC MEETING EXTRAORDINARY.
A PETITION was recently presented to Parliament in favour of sorin
kind of' Maine Liquor Law from a "Public Meeting icld in t.fI!
Lambeth Baths." In, you will observe; not at. We wonder who
was in the chair. Was it ALDERMAN WATERLOW ? Or Mil. WAT1i-
HOUSE HAWKINS ? Or the eminent naturalist, MR. CIIAIII.E WATiEli-
TON ? Or the author of the Detective Policeman," Waters ? Or
PROFEssoR BECKWITII P Did the chairman commence the proceedings
by taking a tremendous healer? A verbatim report might hlr
interesting, e.g.-
Chairman (his head just appearing above the Aritcer).-Kruclirwrr
-khooshr-achgrach-bloof-snish-pff-ach (Left blowing.)







24 IF TT N [APRIL 4, 1863.
24 J


SO-CTE G-RA-ES-
ANGELINA (in the background) :-" I DON'T KNOW WHO THOSE GIRLS ARE, NOR DO I WANT TO KNOW."
EVANGELENE :-" THEY SEEM TO BE ATTRACTING A GREAT DEAL OF ATTENTION, BUT ANY GIRL CAN DO THAT BY BEING INDELICATE
ENOUGH TO GO WITHOUT CRINOLINE."


OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 49.-BY F-NNY F-RN.
WELL, girls, here we are again, as the clown says, back in dear old
Yankeeland once more. I have had my turn in Europe, and I pretty
considerably guess I didn't much enjoy it. Such formality! Such
conventional ideas! Such absurd restrictions on the freedom of
individual action! Give you my word, girls, I never felt at home in
any of their drawing-rooms or salons. Everybody one met was so
stuck up and formal, that real enjoyment was quite out of the question.
Now, mark my words, matrons and maidens of a vast and happy land :
Europe's an imposition. Don't go there. Keep away from those
locations, and stick to the old stoves of Columbia, hail! What's Italy ?
Well, there are some good marble fixings in Florence and Rome, it
can't be denied; and there is a nude young woman sculpt in stone
(representative of Venus, late Goddess of Beauty), that is certainly
some pumpkins. I saw all this, and everything else that was to be
seen; including citizen J. GARIBALDI, whose limb is much better;
but, what is it worth after all ? Take the Tiber; why, the captain of
a Mississippi steamboat would no more think of calling the Tiber a
river than a grizzly bear would be likely to subscribe to thq Federal
loan. Look at France. Folks used to talk, to home, about French
politeness; give you my honour, girls, not a single Frenchman tried
to have a romp withme. Politeness? I callit stony apathy. Don't
think much of the EMPRESS, by-the-bye; pretty good, but very inferior
to-well, to the daughters of a happier shore. As for England, you
know what I always said about her. There is only one person in the
world who is more disagreeable than JOINNY BULL-and that's JENNY
Cow. Take the joke, girls ? The men are pompous clothes-horses;
dress for dinner, and I don't know what all and, as for the women,


why, dear heart alive, I've no patience with the wretched insipid dolls.
Dolls? Guess MADAME TUSSAUD could turn out better and more
kissable specimens of juvenile femininity, all of wax-work. English
roses, indeed! Fudge! Don't tell me! I've no patience with the
creatures. Stop! I said that before; never mind, though; can't say
it too often.
The way they speak our language is enough to drive a body mad.
Miss SOPHONISBA K. EGGER, at whose Pythagorean seminary I was
educated, imparted to me, thank goodness, a very different kind of
accent from the mincing, lisping, don't-look-at-me-or-I-shall-faint-
right-off sort of way in which these "Britons" pronounce 'their
dialect. They never seem, when speaking, to use their noses, as we
do to home. Theirpatois has nothing fresh and spicy about it; nothing
racy and rollicking. The formality of their behaviour extends to their
conversation; and although some of their social proclivities are
amiable, their mental developments are almighty low.
Take their press. Press ? Guess GORDON BENNETT would laugh
some at their newspapers, which are as tame as a spaniel pup,
and as limp as a turned collar. No republican outspokenness; no
freedom of comment upon private character; no succulent details
about social matters. An action for libel is rarely brought against
any of them; so you may judge in what a cowardly spirit they must
all be conducted. This applies to the whole of them. The comic
papers are quite as bad as the serious ones; or, if anything, rather
worse. Tell you what, girls; in the whole of FUN there isn't a
single line that would please the humblest rowdy in New York.


A BANKRUPTCY RIDDLE.-Why is tenpence in the pound a handsome
offer ?-Because it's a frano concession.







F NUT 1T.-APRIL 4, 1868.


OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.


GLADSTONE (soothingly) :-" PRAY GO TO THE UNDERTAKER'S
AND BUY IT A COFFIN!"


39~
----------
~ __~_ ~~-~










































































I








F-UNT .


APRIL 4, 1863.]


"LOOK, PAPA, THERE'S A MAN PUTTING DEVONSIIRE CREAM IN
THE WHEELS."



AT THE PLAY.
. Aurora Floyd at the PRINCESs's is not the heroinoof Miss BRADn-
DON's novel,-but simply Miss AMY SEDGWICK in a new dress, reciting
certain passages from the story in a series of situations contrived for
"ier by MR. CHELTNAM, the adapter. The real hero of this version is
.MR. BELMORE, an actor who has suddenly startled the public with
what it was once the fashion to call Robsonian intensity," and whoso
Stephen Hargreaves is not likely to be forgotten by audience or
managers. How many low comedians only want an opportunity to
show themselves able delineators of tragic passion, it would be curious
to consider; but MR. BELaMORE has had his chance at last, and we
ought to hear something of his successes in a similar style hereafter.
At the ADELPII, Aurora Floyd ("registered") is Miss AvoNIA
JONES, an actress of considerable power, but whose mannerisms, or
womnin r,.:- l~ rn;, are against her acquiring that favour with the public
in ill. d,..,ii.ntic which she obtained in the classic drama. Much
m,.:.., cl':.-ly, however, to the reader's notion of "the banker's
dan.'--her does Miss JONES approach than Miss SEDGWICK; and,
wit Mir' WEBSTER'S artistic embodiment of Steeve, the "softy"
'(" ri:-i3t,:'c.l"), with which he has incorporated the companion-
ore-,i.rn ..I' the dog-fancier" ("registered"), the drama is rendered
hchicr. ara.ritive. Since the first night its excrescences have been
. lopr.:.1 :ie, and the story will prove much mbre popular in its dramatic
forn no.w it has become illustrated by "cuts." Another novelist,
Mil. FL i -'r, has put in a claim for the incidents found in both Miss
Bai.\r.r.' r,- stories; but, though the co-incidents may be considered
ounrious, the allegation made respecting each character being put into
it similar hobble will not justify us in considering the latter to be
nri.j.r any great obligation to the former.
Ti,. OI)L3Pic has brought out a merry three-act farce, called in the
bill' a- comedy, under the title of Taming a Truant, which owes its
or.._i ro a French dramatist, and its Anglicised form to MR. HORACE
WI *. It is not a picture of English life, but it is wonderfully
en .:..:.1 by an English audience, who seem to relish the notion of
elr.,n husbands being the victims of retributive practical jokes, and
in a villa on the banks of the Thames, near Marlow, going through


adventures and misadventures which have hardly been hl'ardill' fioul,
of the pages of BoccA.io. Good acting has nimd it, grn'It, FII em'c',
and Miss IIUGIIES plays so naturally the young widow who taini; ti'
truant spouse, that wo are involuntarily roiniiled of the olil Iladai,
and exclaim, HUGIIHES is second natlHre." Eriartic as lMr. It. N. \ 11.1,1
is dramatically depicted, his neglect of a wilf soR chlarinll":ad ;:ctiiI-
plishcd as Miss LATIM1FI. represents Mrs. I'loroice Flu tteo ir Io I,
transgresses the bounds of probability even more than the laNws of
social morality. In the course of tlio thrce acts we are introdu(rel
to two such tastefully-furnished drawing-rooms, that the Olympic
upholsterer ought to be called on with the rest at the fall lof t h
curtain, and be permitted to give estimates for lilting up interiors "
in a similar style.
The ROYAL ENGLISH OPERA season ihas come to an end ; Lrdi
Dundrcary has departed at last from tlie IAYlMARKET, to imakl It
beginning in the country; and the approach of Easter is rousing iori'dl
managements into a state of activity which involves Fsene-ptninirS:,
musical directors, and pun and parody-perploxecd performers in a
constant bustle. To the stirring inovoieints behind ihle scln'es thiri ,
is at this moment no parallel but in tlie excitement of the waiters :t.
the Freemason's Tavorn during the progress of a General Theatrical
Fund dinner; a dinner, by the way, under the presidency of Nli.
CHARLES DICKENS, which will this week become unusually abunldalt
in its store of "good things." TE ODD MAN.


OUR SPORTING NOTICES.
DR. PUSEY, alias the Traciarian Dodger, backs himself to sail
nearer tho Church of Rome and got himself into moro hot watnr wil l
other and wiser men than any divine of his height, weight, size, or
learning.
JOIN ARTIrI'l ROEInl'C, alias the Sliellield Pet, is ready to miake a
slanging match with any member of cither Ilouse for a rumnp nnd a
dozen at BELLAMY'S. Members waited on at their own rOeidoenco to
arrange particulars. The money to bo placed in thlo Chancellor's
hands. The S. P. means business.
W. H. SEWA Dn, alias Washington Bill, will utter bigger words and
cat them quicker than any statesman of modern times.
E. O'ROURKE, alias Plhilip tile Falconor, will back himself to imali
more money by his pieces, and run itlien longer (bar Bonnlie .D)iui d'),
against any manager of I rish extraction out.
JACK CU1U1ING, alias the Crown Court Prophet, bogs to call thl
attention of his friends and cistomicrs to his seolct tips of coming
events, which, though as yet they have never come true, inay do Ho
at some future time, on which grounds the C. C. P. claims a con-
tinuance of their support. Rally round the old-established prophecy
crib.-N.B. Either stamps or cash received, lint nono returned.
Address--Widowako, Crown Court.
PRINCG NAPOLEON, alias Plon-Plon, or Uncle Tom, will lio lippy to
make moro liberal statements with loss sincerity than any man of' his
girth or valour in France.
For further particulars concerning the above matches, apply at I lho
FUN office.


THE EASTER NOVELTIES.
IN Drury Laneo tie principal Eastor novelty will bo MI'. IIAlNrI
O'BRALLAGHIAN's new pair of white ducks, produced, regardless of ex-
pense, from Mr. Popsiiol's shelves, where they have been since last, uia-
son in a careful state of preservation. They are likely to have a IconsIHiilr-
able ran, owing to a scene representing ireocnwichl lill. Miss l IVIN's
new bonnet, adapted from the French, will be brought, out in tlho
Strand, embellished in the best style of that popular millinery aristf.
The Haymarket will, late in the evening, add a panoramic view iof a
contest between a cabman and his fare, after a tour in tlie east, to itl
usual entertainments. The St. James's novelty will be the spectaclo
of Jeames de la Pluche, brought out with entirely now costuneo land
floral decorations, receiving the obsequious homage of the sltrot, boys
of the neighbourhood. There will ble sent' startling cffectls intro-
duced in the course of the action, and a striking ddnouement will pro-
duce a decided sensation.


WiY is a telescopic view of a certain French sonport like thie mnil-
bag from Charing-cross to St. Martin's-le-Orand P--]Ic'usns it's
B'logno through a tube!-[From this atrocity we gather that, our
correspondent is in the habit of pronouncing Boulogne Ilown."
It is just what we should have expected.--Ei.]
THE POLE STAR.-Hope: which is most unquestionably the Polri'
star.


27~


--


~








[APRIL 4, 1863.


28 1FU NI N.


In the cold weather, when the weed is down in our takes and
rivers, that voracious fish, the Jack, bites very readily; one can't do
better than take a trip for afew days' trolling.



MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT.
As the session's near closing some very fair fun
In the Houses of Parliament's lately begun.
For first MR. ROEBUCK was pleased to bowl over
SIR BENJAMIN HALL (now a lord, hight LLANOVER),
And for all the right claims to call themselves names,
Just whatever they please, if they only declare 'em-
Whether HERBERT or NEWMAN, ST. MAUR or "Dog Tear'em."
Then W. B. COCHRANE
His head againstt a block ran,
(And two, as you see, of a trade ne'er agree)
By making a long speech about the Greek throne,
When he'd done much more wisely to leave it alone;
But he thinks of the question he has some idea,
Having written a book, which he called The Morea."
Vainly FOSTEn has moved for revising those same laws
By Englishmen known as "iniquitous game laws;"
He spent powder and shot,
But no profit he got
From those whom CARLTLE,
With his bitter old smile,
Calls a wind-bag, Joe Manton, shot-belt aristocracy.
Those who punish poor elves, if they think, like themselves,
Pheasant pleasant, bird nice, hare delicious, and cock racy.
MR. SOMEs-let his name be surrounded with fame
Of that sort which brings with it well-merited shame-
Has brought in a Bill, whose intention, 'tis clear,
Is on Sundays to rob a poor man of his beer.
Pray do good MR. SOMnSs
And his friends at their homes,
On Saturday lock up their barrels till Monday,
And drink of no liquor fermented on Sunday ?
Or is this prudent measure but meant for "poor fellars"
Who've, too often, to live-not keep wine-in their cellars !


I----------------
Would SOMEs on the Sunday stop beer at his club,
Or the wine-list suspend on that day? There's the rub!
There's one obvious thing that all parties must strike-
If the Bill's any good,
Why surely it should
Extend its provisions to all men alike:
So with accents severe to its framer, cries FUN,
Come, SOMES No half measures. The Hull hog or none!"
The crowd at Guildhall, the reverse was of small,
Which a public announcement together did call
To express in clear terms on behalf of the whole land
How strong is the sympathy here with poor Poland.
Let Russia beware, lest out of his lair,
Neck and crop, ears and tail, we should lug the big bear;
For she must not suppose that we won't cone to blows,
If we've no other means to restrain her than those :
So we warn her to let her behaviour be better
Toward Poland, crushed down with chain, handcuff, and fetter,
Or she'll learn that we're not more inclined now to see a
Commission of crime there, than in the Crimea.
By the way, at that meeting
Was heard, 'mid glad greeting,
Once more what is always most welcome of sounds-
The NIGHTINGALE'S note-and this time for ten pounds,
Towards a fund for the tending
And nursing and mending
Of Poles hours de combat from sickness or wounds.
Rejected by Portugese, German, and Guelph,
The poor throne of Greece is thrown back on itself:
How the matter will end,
None to say can pretend,
But really the country's look out is a sad one,
And perhaps the Fates-Atropos, Lachesis, Clotho-
May restore after all the Bavarian, OTHO,
By returning him simply his crown as a bad one.
Yet 'tis whispered-and PAIE no great secret has kept it-
There's still one more prince who may Dane to accept it.
A rumour provoked a duke's answer to still it,
That he took to the levde a person called TILLETT.
How came he to do it-at least, if he knew it ?
Or was it a plan-but he didn't see through it-
Which SIR JOSHUA JEBB for his gems had invented P
Who, since we on tickets-of-leave came down heavy,
As a recompense, perhaps, hit on tickets of levSe,
And determined on having his darlings presented.



THREE GROANS FOR SOME
AN obscure M.P., who has crept out of a rotten Hull, has just
brought in a bill to close public-houses the whole of Sunday. What
between him and the bishops, that holiday is likely to become a very
cheerful one for the working man. This SOMrES, who is videe "Dod ") an
unmarried man (a fact very creditable to the taste of the fair sex),
probably spends most of his time at his club, where he can get beer-
perhaps for nothing-at any time he likes. He is profoundly ignorant
of many things, but of nothing so much as of the habits and require-
ments of the lower middle classes and the poor. They either cannot :
afford money or have not room to keep beer in the barrel, and must
rely on the publican for that which is, of course, as necessary on
Sunday as every other day. Laying in a stock on Saturday is out of
the question, for bottled beer is expensive, and draught beer put into
bottles, and kept for twelve hours, is stale, flat, and unprofitable.
What will intolerate temperance and unchristianly sabbatarianism
do next ? We have long been supplied with sermons, like some ad-
vertised Tent, "wholly devoid of spirit." We shall be forbidden to
die when we like, for fear of our taking our last bier on Sunday, or i:
shall be prosecuted for falling ill on the seventh day, because it is
ailing contrary to statute.
However, we seriously warn members of Parliament that they must
oppose this foolish, ignorant, and illiberal SOMEs, if they wish to retain
their seats. When thetime for re-election comes, we shall not forget
who did, and who did not, further the efforts of blind bigotry "to rob
a poor man of his beer."


THE THICKEST VEIL ON RECORD.-The veil of destiny.
A CaYING SIN.-Taking babies to the theatre.


_ ____~_I~
__~~ :(
~__r~ 1- -~T.----~- --:il








PRILA 4, 1863.]


FU N. 29


ALMANACK AND .DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
FEE Zodiacal sign for April is Taurus, the Bull; whence it happens
that Irish members in the House of Commons become more than
usually talkative this month.
sus Natwrmc.-A bishop in the Bankruptcy Court.
'obable Eclpses.-SIR G. GRnS by a more efficient Home Secretary;
Ma. SPURGEON by TOM MATTHEWS; SIR W. ARMSTRONG by Mn.
WmITWoRTH ; and FUN, by nothing at all.
ie Moon's disc will soon start on a voyage of disc-overy, attended
by the heavenly bodies, several moonshees, and a limited number of
moonhees to keep order.
MARCH.
5 29 Temperance sermon by J. B. GOUGH. Spirits illustrated
by D. D. HOME in several goes."
S30 Dinner to the Hanging Committee of the Royal Academy.
MR. CALCRAFT in the chair.
'u 31 BLODGER's da capo-Keep out of the way. But, hearing
shortly after that the B. C. had been satisfactorily
garotted by some itinerant professors of the art,
BLODGERS rushed to the Adored Presence. Arrived
at the area railings-horror! He saw-here his
feelings overcame him, and his last words were Nexb
week."
APRIL.
A 1 All Fools' Day. The only way to avoid being made an
April fool, is to buy the new number of FUN. I always
do."-Emtractfrom a Speech by LORD BROUGHAM at the
Social Science Congress.
'H 2 Grand Concert at Milbank Penitentiary. LOCKE'S music
in turned keys. To wind up with a catch.
F 3 Good Friday. Fishmongers' Festival, when the company
will appear in scale armour and dine on cork soles.
3 4 General Feed succeeds General Fast, who yesterday was
in command of the interior.
THE GARDEN.
How to Prevent Dampness in Gardens.-This is very simple; go
the nearest public-house and have a drain.
A fine fuchsia may always be obtained from a cutting (away with
ie belonging to somebody else).
Picciola, or the prison flower, is much cultivated in England
ider the name of county crop. It flourishes best in the imme-
ate neighbourhood of the model prisons.
Tiger-lilies are sometimes very fierce, on which occasions keep
iem o9 a low diet; if this be not found efficacious, give them a
ose of salts and threaten to set the dog at them.
NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS.
cockatoo is wrong. Plank of commerce is not equivalent to Board
of Trade.
iler.-No railway director has ever been smashed in an excursion
train. You can't be sorrier for it than we are.
wra Avis.-A canary, of course, is fed on canary seed. You had,
therefore, better try your linnet with linseed. If it won't eat it, put
on a poultice.
lassic-ass.-The words "Detur pulchriori" were inscribed on the
apple of discord. Their meaning is Go it, my pippins !"
-roarer Floor'd.-Your action would not lie, for, of course, in hiring
" a hack," you bargain for a cough.
.Z.-Once for all, when people speak of your years with a "y,"
they allude to your being wise; when to "your ears," they have
no reference to an era. This is a nearly perfect explanation.

HINTS TO BEE-KEEPERS.
IN the spring, when your bees bestir themselves, be on the look-out
>r swarms; particularly if the sun be shining, and it's warming the
ive. You will know by the noise (which annoys sometimes) that is
being made by the bees inside and out of the hive, that they are about
) swarm, not up a tree, but most likely upon one. At this moment
ou must be sure to say, Go it, my honeys," and your joy will wax
great when you behold a large brown ball of bees hanging from a
ough. You must now dance about, and be an active party in con-
noting the bees to a befitting place, and becalm any fear that bechance
lay be-oloud you, for, if you become bewildered and behive yourself
n an unbecoming manner, and be-fool the bees, the chances are you
rill be-stung all over before you could be off.


"SHUT UP1"
A WORKING MAN'S ADDRESS TO MR. SOME.
SHUT up! Mr. SOMES, shut up shut up!
What! close all our taverns on Sunday I
Making travellers wait, without bite or sup,"
At their doors till the dawn of Monday!
Im only a hard-working man, I may say,
Not much of a scholar to boast of,
But these few plain words, in my own rough way,
I leave you to make the most of.
How would you like, if you, dressed in your best,
Took a stroll-say, three miles and a quarter,
Had to lean on the back of a post for a rest,
And walk back on a cup of cold water ?
I own I go out on a Sunday night,
For my glass, but it's understood, too
I leave at eleven, not tight," but right,
And I feel that it's done me good, too.
My missis she likes her own gossip upstairs,
And I like a chat with my neighbours,
Where a talk of old times, or of present affairs,
Sends us home quite refreshed for our labours.
Remarks that a decent, respectable pub."
Is for drunkards a den, are not true ones;
For over the town it's the working-man's club,
Where he meets with old friends and makes new ones.
I've no place at home to receive an old friend,
And I couldn't afford well to treat him ;
But fourpence for ale we can each of us spend
Where I feel it a pleasure to meet him.
It's the one chance I've got-there are thousands like me-
To enjoy some good brisk conversation,
And somehow that evening I linked seemed to be
With the bright chain of civilization.
Say, I lay in my beer on the Saturday; walk
To church, as I do, in the morning;
At night, with but me and the missis, our talk
Would soon end in both wrangling or yawning.
Oh! it's easy for folks in fine rooms, with whose store
A key in the sideboard supplies them,
But inquire of the folks in our parlour" before
With a Parliament padlock you tries them.


IMPERTINENT I
I AM, sir, a stout gentleman, of aldermanio structure, a fine specimen,
I flatter myself, of the JOHN BULL species. Well, sir, scanning the
Times' supplement after breakfast the other morning, an advertise-
ment caught my eye which I can regard in no other light than as a
personal insult, a downright reflection, not only on my personal
appearance, but upon the appearance of all whom nature has rigged in
similar fashion. These are the words, in capital letters, of which I
complain:-
LOOK TO YOUR LEGS.
With the utmost good humour have I stood the insinuation con-
tained in the popular inquiry, How are your poor feet P There is
some wit in that, although I have long since ceased to demonstrate
ocularly their soundness or otherwise; the inquiry, too, was, if not
polite, at least legitimate. But for a man to get into the columns of
a newspaper and to command HEB MAJESTY'S lieges to perform what
is to many a physical impossibility, is the height of impertinence.
Look to my legs Why, you humbug, don't you see that I can't ?
Good heavens, sir, if the press is to be the vehicle for this sort of
quack satire one will soon wish one's self in France. Hoping you will
just give this fellow & rap over the knuckles for his impudence by the
insertion of this letter, I am, sir, your constant reader,
Balisbury Plain. DOUBLE STOUT.

A SAD CONTRAST.-The present "hussars" amongst the people
near Staley-bridge, compared with the recent "huzzas" amongst the
people near London-bridge!
READY-MONEY.-Quicksilver!








0----- [APRIL 4, 1863.
30 FJ _


SKETCH AT GUILDHALL.


A STATE SECRET;
A FARCE IN ONE ACT.


WATCHER.-In course nwe do. Do yc.il tillk n.? irjrit tI: robh :u ...
what you've paid us, an-l that we doir't knor. -..t ihk ?.
NOSOFFSKI.-So, th.-p, ,'i I.-' .:nr-nee bhm ?
HOOKEY.--Certing:y. EH.:-.' tlh- a.tr-'st .~ *: :.!' all the r.t. Alvraya


SCENE.--Iarsaw. Interior of a Government police-oice,fitted up as rushin' about among the r,:vi lu,~-ri. rs.
a cat's-meat shop. Period 1863. WATCHER.-Oh! gr:,b htn at .:r.?,:-. H.'s theli hbad' the'.l .b;i;n
CHARACTERS.-NOSOFFSKI, chief of the Russian police in, Warsaw; He's been in London I::.n..rtlirin tic r-:--...iur.i- i ti .:- ii .:- rr -i,. I've
INSPECTOR WATCHER (of the London detective force); SERJEANT seen him, and I've h :r.i I.-m. H.:. ., the'.-r- a-r n e Ili.
HOOKEY (hisfriend). HOOKEY.-Yes; a rtir,-'r .-Ju.:..:rit. I-:'s tihe b.:c- :. frl-nd (of
NosoFFSKI (discovered alone, drinking vodki out of a samoveir).- what's his name, LA? Li i i-i ,i:i.
Ten o'clock, and the British fellows not come yet. Why, our patriots NOSOFFSKI (solemn/.l.I -A.ri thi C.:rti-rriemr you l'.r .4
may escape, after all. I must send orders to have all the women WATCHER.-Oh! c-rt ,in !
knouted, just to create a little excitement, and keep the male popula- HOOKEY.-Take my I--b!-. :ath *-.n I '
tion on the spot. But stay-here they come. NoSOFFSKI.-Then. 7,:r ti.:niR n, Il;Le: eil. The drfillt to your cre.td
Enter WATCHER and HOOKEY. will not be honoured. Tlir at his Imip.-riul ii.nr~C~ s the GRA-.
Ha! (commencing at once to enguirelander, as PRINCE NAPOLEON DUKE CONSTANTINE. IH, Ih rn b--n a:...:.:.ipr*.:..I by me 1;-r the last
calls it) do I behold the famous English detectives? Those who so two weeks, and has ur:t t I.:- P':.irrn.] fr r r.,- Ir .:.rntba. Gc'entlemen,
ably discovered the Road murder ? good morning. W.ii.:HER .-ill- in-.. f. t.
WATCHER.-Hum. Yes. That was me-thatwas-you see, that I HOOKEY.--My eye Th~ h-.:r, :a .:
begun by-- ..
NosoFFSKI.-And the Waterloo-bridge tragedy ?
HOOKEY.-Yes, it was me as caught---
NOSOFFSKI.-But pardon, gentlemen, time is short. Yon know, of The THIRD Ha{f- -.,, F -.. F ., i ,-.. .- :-
course, why you are here? Th TIRD
WATCHlIE and HOOKEY.-Of course; to teach you how to organize Engravings by tal. ..i .; rft:t:, .ii.i H,, .r.., t..I; ; i't.
a police. Which, in course, you don't know. Oh! no! Pity! guished writers, is ,..n' r..a.i,, I,. ....,. i..,..-.; ,1. l-.,, l..hi,, i "
point out the Poles as we know to have been active in London. Oh! gilt, price 4s. 6d., ...: tr.' 5..
dear, no. In course not. Also the Title, Prefo .', .1 ; 1,,..I t,; TIlIT.' i'.- : .: FU[%,
NosoFFsaK.-Then, gentlemen, oblige me a moment by placing your
eyes to this keyhole. forming an Extra -':..,,,,. r. ,.,: 1,.
WATCHER.-Yes ; I see him. That's the party. Cases for Binding, in M31.,.-t, .l.ti :l, :. .,
HooKEY.-So do I. I'd swear to him.
NosoFFSKI.-Good heavens! You recognize him, then? Him, The whole of the baocd:, i,...... h .-: -I ..-. ,t... .i.: ..In.L .---- ', I'i,
writing in that room ? on sale.

Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CH-- -RLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, r.:, -A. 1, I.
Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHIALES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Fclt.s'tr.:-r, E ,r -April I. -I. i-1S


A

4









FU N.


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Communicated by a Member of the Arch-l-g-o-l Scciety.


ye 3Bshuppe of le receiveth, a
1 lv ge ___
ELY PLACE.
THE clerkly traveller, who homeward plods his weary way from
the soot-bound city to the gay and festive scenes of the west end,
whither, like the ancient Phoenicians to the Scilly Islands, he daily
goes for tin, may have remarked, midway on Holborn-hill, a street
guarded by two iron gates-a street of so gloomy and dismal an
appearance that the mind at once conceives it to be inhabited solely
by misanthropics, whose milk of human kindness has been soured in
their bosoms by numberless amicable settlements of cases ere yet
they had time to blossom into that fulness of costs which the legal
mind loveth so well.
This is Ely-place, where once stood the town residence of the
bishops of that see, and which justified its name bygradually slipping
out of the clerical clutches in a remarkably eely manner.
It is supposed that in early times the bishops were in the habit of
letting the mansion, whenever they could find a tenant with no pre-
dilection for lunar sporting, though, as events afterwards proved, it
would have been better for them had the letting been let alone,
since, when too late, they found, to their cost, that a tenant on lease-
hold property may get hold of the lease and the property both
together.
Ely-place was the scene where the council met who overthrew
the Protector, SOMERSET, in the time of EDWARD VI., and who, as the
king's uncle, differed from our modern and titular ones, for he gave
pledges of sincerity to the nation which were never redeemed, while
his whole behaviour was by no means the ticket. The council were
successful in their machinations, and SOMERSET furnished a striking
illustration of the variety of ambition, a fine cut of his head being
taken on Tower-hill, by the headsman, on a wood-block of the period.
In 1576, SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON, whose name still clings to Hatton
Garden, and whose terpsichorean agility qualified him in the eyes of
QUEEN ELIZABETH to ascend the ladder of fortune, by whom he
was made chancellor, probably on the principle that a man who could
thread the mazes of the dance, was equally capable of unthreading
the mazes of the law-a reason which now-a-days would certainly be
considered as amazing-obtained a lease of Ely-place for twenty-one
years, at the trifling rent of10 per annum, a red rose, and ten loads
of hay. This most advantageous bargain was forced on the prelate


31


by the QUEEN, and had he had a say in the matter, which he had not,
SIR CnHISTorHER would most probably have been made a tenant at
won't, and not by any means a tenant at will. The prelate, however,
reserved to himself the right of walking in the garden and gathering
twenty bushels of roses yearly, from which we may see that if the
chancellor took a rise out of the bishop, the bishop at any rate could
take a rose whenever he wanted. Afterwards SIR CIIRISTOIPER
HArroN, having laid out about 2,000 on the estate, wanted to got
entire possession of the property, for he conceived that the money
spent was a proper tie whereby he might bind it to himself and his
heirs for ever. To this the rightful owner objected still further, but
the queen took the matter up and dropped down on the bishop,
bestowing on him in a letter that peculiar condiment generally
described as "pepper," and, moreover, suggested that unless he
yielded to her wishes she would unfrock him. From which it seems
that her majesty, though the mother of her people in general, was
the step-mother also on particular occasions. SmI CHRISTOPHER died
at Ely-place of a broken heart, on being dunned for 40,000, which
he was indebted to the crown and unable to pay, for although a
lawyer with plenty of causes, when the bill came in ho had no effects.
Ely-place next came to his nephew, whose widow married the
eminent lawyer, SIR EDWARD COKE : this was not wonderful, as, of
course, coke would naturally catch fire easily. The then bishop of
Ely tried again to recover his property, but in vain, and he found that
in meddling with LADY COKE he burnt his fingers considerably. her
successor, however, was not so fortunate, and the mansion again
reverted back to the see, which was very glad to see it, and Bisnor
LANCY proved his title to the house by comfortably dying in it, in
1674.
Soon after the recovery of the much-fought-over Ely-place, the
bishop exchanged it for a house in Dover-street, and the
ground reverting to the crown, it was determined, in order to dis-
courage any future quarrelling about it, to build the ugliest houses in
London on the site of the mansion, which was pulled down. Now,
the glories which once surrounded the place have all sunk into the
bottomless pit of oblivion, even to the fruits of the garden for which
it was once so famous, so that now not an apple is left to bewail the
apple-less condition of the locality.



A "PUBLIC" QUESTION.
By A NoN-ELECTOR.
AIr-" Sing a song of sixpenoo."
SING a song for senators,
A song of silly SOMES,
Who'd keep the poor on Sundays,
All beerless in their homes.
He'd shut the public-houses,
By fivo pound pen-al-tee,
For selling of some liquor
To you, my mate, and me.
The gents sit in their club-house,
A drinking of their wine,
That ain't no harm on Sundays;
What harm's this beer of mine ?
And yet I musn't have it,
Says MR. SOMEs, M.P.,
What's law for club-house common,
Aint law for such as me.
The swells has got their cellars
At home chock full of wine;
I'm forced, in this here beer-jug,
To fetch this ale of mine.
And if I'm sabbath-breaking,
(And that's with SOMEs the rub),
I ain't no worse than gentry
What boozes at a club.
If my beer is profanation,
I'm sure I'd like to know,
Where them as drinks their claret
On Sundays-ought to go ?
Says I, SOMES, cut law-making,
You ain't at it no use;
The sauce to baste the gander,
Is the sauce that bastes the goose."


~oa, iv,


SAPRIL 11, 1863.]


_ 1.


Sul -


-- -----


II








-r TT -TT


32 X1 t



"GUY SIANNERING" AND "TOM JONES."


HE attempt of a MR. FULLon to
fasten on the authoress of "Lady
Audley's Secret" and "Aurora
Floyd" a charge ot plagiarism,
when all that he succeeds in show-
ing is that certain stock incidents
and phraseology have been used
by that successful novelist, has, it
K- s would appear, been the exciting
i topic of conversation in literary
circles far away from Paternoster-
row. The following letter, just
received by us, might be taken as
seriously as MN. FLLOM's grave
accusations, but that the gentleman
whose signature it bears is not
Si generally associated with the idea
i,.. of solemnly stupid egotism. At
4 ithe risk of incurring the displeasure
i of that genius, to whose lively
humour and trenchant wit the
world stands indebted for 'Amelia,'
I I 'Joseph Andrews,' and other im-
mortal creations, we venture on thus indicating the purport of his
present correspondence. It is most likely that his joke would explain
itself; but there are FuI.T.rs in the reading as well as writing world,
and for their benefit we throw out a hint that the subjoined communi-
cation may possibly be no more than a sly laugh at recent letters in
the daily newspapers :-
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
SIR,-A great sensation has been produced by the "Waverley
Novels." They are now in everybody's hands. One of them has
fallen into mine. Its title is Guy Mannering." I have been startled
by the many points of resemblance which it presents to my "Tom
3Junes," published one hundred and eighteen years ago. I beg you
will give a place in your pages to the accompanying comparative
view of the two novels.
Tnnm Jo .es.-The hero of this work is a foundling.
n 7y .3hanneri'n.--The hero of this work, Harry Bertram, was lost
in lli infancy.
Tom J'ones.-The title consists of a baptismal appellation and a
surname.
(0 :y 3ran.'ri.g.--The title consists of a baptismal appellation and
a suriame.
7Tr,, Jones.-The baptismal appellation has three letters and no
more,.
(;iiu Mfannerling.-The baptismal appellation has three letters and
no more.
Tlin JTons.-Squire Western, farther of the heroine, is a widower.
(i(y ;anvering.-The Laird of I t -.;- ... father of the heroine,
is a widower.
Toim Jones.-Sophia is pretty and amiable.
CGuy Malnering.-So is Lucy.
Tom Jones.-There is a poacher in this novel.
(Gy Manncrin.--And a smuggler in this.
Tom Jones.- -The hero has a tutor named Thwackum.
Guy 3ananering.-The hero has a tutor named Sampson.
Tom, Jones.-A lawyer named Dowling is instrumental in discover-
ing the parentage of the hero.
iGuy Maninring.-A lawyer named Pleydell is instrumental in dis-
Icovering the parentage of the hero.
In my novel of Tom Jones" there are few, if any, descriptive
passages, everything which calls up an image being allusive. Thus,
fir example, my Lady Bellaston is not presented to the reader with
any flourish or circumstance. All he knows of her is inferentially
gathered on the way, and even her tendency to embonpoint is left to
be delicately implied in a playful allusion of Squire Western's. The
novel of Guy Mannering," on the contrary, abounds in description
of the most vivid and picturesque character. This affectation of an
opposite style is the flimsy disguise b -neath which SIR WALTER SCOTT
essays to hide his poverty of invention. There are other transparent
devices for evading critical justice, and one of these is a redistribution
of characteristics. For instance, while it is not the tutor, but Jones's
follower, Partridge, who is continually quoting Latin in my novel,
the author of" Guy lMannering attributes precisely the same habit to
Doninio Sampson. I think I have made out a tolerably good case,
and that nobody will refuse to admit that Tom Jones" furnished the


[APRIL 11, 1863.


J LN .


A BACHELOR'S PARTY.-A spinster, of course !


materials of Guy Mannering," if not, as I could just as easily show,
the entire series of the Waverley Novels."-I am, sir, your obedient
servant, HENRY FIELDING.
The Shades, April 1, 1863.


YOU ARE NEATER.
[A SONG to the air of "Juanita; the burden of which is frequently
sung by a lady who allows no followers, is-tormented to death with
idle sluts of servants, and who never yet was comfortably suited
with a parlour-maid of common tidiness that didn't marry the
baker. This is the 50th edition.]
Hark from the area
Comes the tinkling of the bell;
'Tis the young baker,
Miss, you know right well.
Servants in plenty
I have had ere now,
You're one in twenty-
What P You've got to go ?
Neater ? Yes, you are neater;
What P For all that we must part ?
Neater! Yes, you are neater,
(Look, there's the young man's cart).
Ne'er did I meet a
Housemaid like a young gazelle,
Who took my fancy,
But she was sure to take the policeman's fancy, or the
baker's fancy, or the fancy of the young man at the
corner as well.
Oft in the oven,
I find the servant's beau;
Oft she's a sloven,
And she has to go.
Neater ? Yes, you are neater,
That but aggravates the case;
Neater ? Yes, you are neater,
I wonder, I really do, miss, how you can have the
audacity to look me in the face.


A BACKWARD MAN.
DEAR FUN,-I see that LORD SYDNEY is to be distinguished for his
good behaviour on the occasion of the late royal marriage. Of course,
many of us had been expecting to see honours conferred on men who
have earned them in arms, in arts, in song," though, to be sure, it
is not often that the last two classes are royally recognized. How-
ever, it appears we are not to have a VISCOUNT LANDSEER, a LORD
E'ENNYSON, or a DUKE OF CLYDE. The distinctions are all conferred
on, doubtless, a very amiable and harmless nobleman, for the dignified
manner in which he can walk backwards. A paragraph in the papers,
a week or two since, described the ridiculous appearance of certain
lords justices, bringing a message to the Commons, under similarly
retrogressive circumstances. LORD SYDNEY, who is no judge, suc-
ceeds admirably. By all means let him have his star for the achieve-
ment. But if such virtues are to be so rewarded, why is not something
done for your obedient servant, A CRABBE ?


SOME AMENDMENTS IN THE GAME LAWS.
THE following hints for future guidance are at the disposal of MR.
FORSTER :-
1. To be provided that rabbits in pies shall be free from inspection
by the police, unless by the special permission of the cook.
2. To be provided that cock-sparrows shall not be considered within
the terms of the statute.
3. Croakquetnot to be considered an illegitimate game," although
the name may sound ominous to peelers' ears.
4. Flighty individuals not to be considered fair game for magis-
terial solicitude.
5. A peeler's beat" not necessarily to extend to beating small boys
who have caught a tom-tit in a brick-trap.
6. The term preserved" not to extend to green bacon.
7. Killing (birds) no murder.









APRIL 11, 1863.]


FU:N


ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
A GRAND meeting of the stars is to be held this week at the Great
Bear, when Saturn will enter his own ring and show his belts.
Parallax.-We don't know what it is, but the Moon has had a severe
attack of it, and is going oil as well as can be expected.


APRIL.

5 Sermon on Soap, by the BisHoP or OxFORD, who has
always a large stock on hand. A liberal reduction
allowed on taking a quantity.
6 Easter Monday. General holiday ; and don't the donkeys
on Blackheath have a happy time of it!
7 L'Histoire de BLODGEnt.-The B1. C. at tea with ANGELINA,
handing his cup for another lump of sugar. Crushed
with the discovery, he meditates on instant flight to
another and a kinder clime; but, on reflection, he--
Press of matter prevents our publishing the result.
8 FuN-rise at 5 A.M., in Fleet-street. Visible all over the
world.
9 Grand demonstration of Ethiopian melodists in Blackman-
street, when the chairman will perform a solo on his
own bones.
10 Disgusting outrage on the teetotallers in the city : money
gets tight.
11 Nothing particular; only seventy-three murders; fourteen
railway accidents, in each of which from five to fifty
persons are killed ; four streets in the city and twelve
at the West-end burnt, including the Tower, the club-
houses, and all the public buildings; a Confederate
victory; the impeachment of the Ministers for picking
pockets, and an Irish row in the House of Commons.


THE GARDEN.
Ferns.-This curious plant is a native of America, where it is chiefly
known under the name of the Fanny Fern. It is remarkable for
shooting forth in abusive language on subjects of which it understands
nothing whatever.
Ill-Natured Gardening.-Raking up grievances, and digging holes
in a friend's character.
Suitable Plant for a Clergyman's Garden.-Holy-ander.
Diet for a Wise Man.-Sage.
Parasites may be obtained by emptying two pounds of treacle into
your father's best hat, and placing the same on his head. This will
decidedly make your pa a sight, and he will most probably cling to a
horsewhip and plant it on the performer's back with singular rapidity.


NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Bloater asks if a cure of souls has anything to do with pickled salmon ?
We decline to give an opinion. FORBEs WINSLOW is the proper
person to apply to.
Roley Poley.-Yes, certainly; the Master of the Rolls is bound to
give thirteen to the dozen. If our correspondent likes his bread
slack baked, an appeal to the LODI CHANCELLOR is necessary.
Cockywax.--Blind hookey was invented by JOHN KNOX to amuse tlhe
leisure hours and the Sundays at home of WILLIAM THE BLACK
PRINCE when that monarch was confined in Carisbrook Castle after
the passing of the Reform Bill.
Thespicus writes to say he has written a five-act tragedy, but no
manager will accept it. Well, take a theatre and accept it your-
self.


SIGNS OF SPRING.
A GYE has been seen fluttering about the Royal Italian Opera.
The following rhymes, illustrative of the habits of this well-known
harbinger of spring, may not be generally known:-
In April, he shows his bill;
In May, he sings away;
In June, he alters his tune;
In July, there's some novelty;
Come August, go he must.


A QrEsTIoN FOR IMR. TATrERSALL.-Is backing the field the same
as betting on the turf?


.3
----- I


MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT.
THEi Poles still progress with a moderate success,
We trust their good luck will be more, and not loss,
It appears their new arm can inflict lots of harm,
And wakes in the breast of the foenian alarm;
Not a pole-axe it is, though by Polacks it made is,
But a shaft to which prefixed a scythe's sharpened blade is;
So not without reason the foeman afraid is.
For a man who fears nought,
As a warrior ought-
A regular hero-if ever in battle he
Saw such a-mow-near, might need sal-volatile,
Nor fairly be taxed with a failing of nerve
If lie felt a slight turn at the sight of its curve.
Through thick and through thin
That they constantly win,
The Russians protest, and they will not give in,
While the Poles won't allow they've received a defeat,
For all that the Russ has yet beat's a retreat.
So like Scythians the Poles, it would seem, win the day,
And like Parthians, the Russians-by running away.
Yet in this simple fact there but little disgrace is,
That, to see the Poles mowing," the Russians make faces."
All Fool's Day-a festival right and befitting-
Was the day by Dundrea'ry selected for flitting.
He of nonsense was king, o'er all meaner fools ruling,
His reign was a piece of "most exquisite fooling; "
A fop
Ne'er surpassed in the fondling of whiskers,
With a hop
That has stamped him the quaintest of friskers,
With a lisp, and a hitch, with a stammer and stutter,
And an utter objection an r" o'er to utter;
Whose mind, from the absence of reasoning faculties,
Most incongruous thoughts in one long string of cackle ties.
Of the cunningest nonsense, oh! wonderful tissue,
You've been such a hit that all London will miss you;
We have now but the memory, mingled with sadness,
Of your wisdom in folly, your method in madness.
There has been a sharp tussle
Of training and muscle
In the annual boat race twixtt Cambridge and Oxon,
Who each sent to Putney eight oars and a coxswain-
Their stoutest of pullers, of steerers their truest-
'Twixt dark blue and bright blue,
'Twixt deep blue and light blue,
To prove which was fastest, and, therefore, the right blue;
And 'twas Cambridge, we know, in the end looked the "bluo"-ost,
For Oxford came off, in the trial of strengths,
For the third time the best, by some dozen of lengths.
And at rackets as well,
She has borne off the bell;
At billiards, 'tis quits," as the cue-seers toll,
So please give three cheers for the old Alma Alater
Who's first on the land, as she's first on the water.
The session is ended,
Pro taor, and the splendid
Ass-embly" for Easter, has bumpkin-wards wended,
To see how the keepers are rearing the pheasants,
And thus, accidentally, benefit peasants.
Well, DIzzY has gone by the tidal first-class, over
Perhaps to Jerusalem, spending his Passover-
For over his head,
It need not be said,
That occasion has passed, man should not let grow grass over;
While BRIIGT, who won't think
Well of fighting or drink,
IIas taken his notions away down to Birmingham,
And means to pick quarrels
With those makers of barrels,
Who have an intention of filling-or worming 'cii.
But arch-humbug PAM
Is attempting to cram
His nonsense down all gaping gullets in Glasgow.
Well, lie could, in a crack,"
Prove white to be black,
For hi. tongue's so persuasive, 'twoull make a dead ass go.









F U N.


S^.3 /Sx


WELL TTP TO H=IS WOPIK.

Poor young SMITH, of London, meets with some sporting friends at Leamington, who 2prsuade him (being no rider) to hire a clever old hunter.
Smith:-" WELL, JOE, 50 THAT'S THE MARE CORDS HAS SENT. WHAT DOES IE SAY ABOUT IIER? IS SHE QUIET?"
Ostler:-" WELL, SIR, HE SAYS THAT SHE S AS NICE A TIING AS ERE A ONE HE EVER SEED, AND IF YOU LET 'ER 'AVE 'ER 'ED, AND TAKE
'ER STRAIGHT AT 'ER FENCES, SHE'LL CARRY YOU AS QUIET AS A LAMB."
Smith :-" Ol! BUT SUPPOSE I DON'T, WHAT THEN "
Ostler -"WELL, SIR, HE DIDN'T SAY NOUGHT ABOUT THAT!" [Poor SMITH!


"LADY AUDLEY'S 'SECRET;"'
OR, FULLOM v. BRADDON.
IN byegono days, in Liddesdale, and elsewhere on the border,
Moss-troopers bold did horses "lift" at some fierce baron's order,
And ere for sale such stolen steeds at market they did show 'em,
They clipped their manes and docked their tails that nobody might
know 'em.
In eighteen hundred sixty-three, we read of something like it;
" Sensation" novelists, no doubt, our parallel will strike-it
Was taught us in the Standard where, Miss BRADDON'S bays to pull 'cm,
With a rival author's bitterness, steps forward MR. FULLO3.
Says he, Aurora Floyd's a 'do,' the public soon shall learn, sir,
Miss B. in making that same book, has 'prigged what isn't her'n,'
sir; "
Says she, "I never saw your work." Says he, That's not a bad'un,
When the hand's the hand of FULLOM, and the voice the voice of
BRADDoN."
"Look here," says he, "mothinks Miss B., with all her powers of
diction,
In Miss A. Floyd and Lady A. has borrowed from my fiction ;
She's dressed 'em up and clipped 'em fine, to her own use to cull 'em,
Till it's hard to say what's BRADDON, and as hard to say what's
FULLOM."
Well, saying not who may be right, one fact is somewhat funny,
The lady's managed most to get of name and fame and money;


Sic ,os non vobis, VIRGIL sang, a time-tried truth, a sad 'un;
Meanwhile, dear FUN, the strife goes on; pull FULLOM, and pull
BRADDON.


A ROD IN PHILOSOPHICAL PICKLE.
TAKE your powders in jelly, is an ordinary injunction which children
obey with a delighted alacrity, but a wry face is the result if anything
but the jelly comes in contact with the palate. Young men, do you
want to know how to swallow the rod without tasting the pickle ? If
so, here's a buffer who thinks he knows how to bait his hook:-
YOUNG MEN who seek to know the philosophy of life, and attain to honorary
fame, classical and mathematical honours, German and French literature,
may find a delightful and quiet Continental Home, etc.-Address, REY. D. D., etc.
Oh! thou REVEREND D. D. The philosophy of life indeed! And
what is honorary fame, most pompous of idiots ? A German D.D.,
we suppose, or a Ph.D., which bring fame not exactly honorary,
inasmuch as the acquisition costs six-and-eightpence, or some such
sum, but which are purely honorary as far as real utility is concerned.
But observe! "The philosophy of life!" We can teach in three
words more of the philosophy of life than D.D. could do in a hundred
long-winded lectures amid the calm of a delightful and quiet conti-
nental home." Learn to know a fool when you see one. If you do
that, you may stop and read at homely Oxford or Cambridge, and
leave the Rev. Double Distilled to his philosophy.


A REFUGE FOR THE DESTITUTE-OF SENSE.-The spiritualist wHOE.


1 13


'"~~~PI~-~b~~~B~b~i-~~
--
------ PI\VY ~a~P -------


e
~
--*----- I
~----~g~








]PU ,T-.-PRIL 11, 1863.


..ANN

S'" M'P.,,a.-"'DINNA YE SEE HOW I
..
fl'


M'PAM.

ADAPT MYSELF TO CIRCUMSTANCESS"


-~_--2,
,,_,.


--------------=












'.Armi 11.1t,3l-dS.


FUN ,


THE COMIC ENCYCLOPAEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
ATCH-KEY.-The agent which is
called upon to find an opening for
a nice young man. The art of man
is known to be singularly deceitful,
and with this proof of it, we can
f easily see how even the most
sagacious individual is in the occa-
sional habit of letting himself in.
The possessor of a latch-key gene-
rally considers himself independent,
but whatever may be the business
which takes him out to a late hour,
and which is indeed no business of
ours at all, the very last thing he
appears to think about is retiring.
The commercial lodger thus pro-
vided is not compelled to make his
returns known, and being conse-
quently exempted from the ob-
noxious in-come-tax of answering
such questions as Where have
you been ?" and Where did you
stop?" he enjoys the monopoly
of his wherees" and may in this
sense consider the latch-key as
capital, inasmuch as it has enabled
him to set up for himself. A.
curious optical illusion is known to
result in a peculiar condition of
the atmosphere when the late
comer has returned from an
even.r,.- party. It is well authenticated that the key-hole of the door
has i.:.:.. then seen to dance about in a strange manner, and that it
has evaded the introduction of the latch-key for a considerable period.
SLAUGHTER.-An expression of mirth peculiar to the human species,
thus clearly demonstrating that the chief distinction between the man
"epd the brute is the capacity for enjoying a joke. To whatever period
of an'l r1',r may be assigned the first witty antic of man on the globe,
it i' -: : ,r the theory of progressive development must be demolished
lby this argument, as we have heard FUN read aloud on the sea-shore
without its comicality getting a chuckle from apparently the jolliest
old cookle, or causing even the movement of a mussel. The inferior
ord-'r of animals came on the earth with their cries all before, and the
-higher order of man came into the world all laughter. An Irishman's
blunders will often provoke the heartiest merriment of humanity, but
Swe never hear of an ox splitting his hides at a bull.
: -LAUNDI Iss.-The presiding authority of the modern starch-chamber,
whose inquisitorial power extends even to our most concealed habits,
and before whom society goes at least once a week, and makes a clean
breast of it. No woman encounters so many hard rubs in her vocation
as the laundress, and they are only sustained by their favourite reflec-
tions, When things come to the worst they ought to mend," and Let
us soap all for the best." From the peculiar effect of buttons being
mutilated, and collars being changed at the wash, laundresses are
always getting into hot water, and when those articles are subjected
to strict investigation, it is not surprising that they should shrink from
- the process.
S.,LAw.--That which regulates our actions. When our actions con-
,xibot us with the practitioners of the law, we perceive that the law is
no means to be so easily defined. If the law shall have gone
Qsinst him, then by no means is the unlucky client made aware of
e reason why the law is called an absorbing study. When a man
through legal proceedings has been reduced to the greatest necessity,
may be congratulated on having attained happiness, for in all ages
.ias been understood that necessity knows no law, and where we
ow no law, we have the clearest proof that ignorance is bliss.
I.'%LEAD.-A very useful metal, so easily impressed that it will be led
r whatever direction you choose to take it. The lead mines of this
and were worked by the Romans, who used this material for their
ter-pipos, helping the Britons by giving them some as cisterns in
way. When we get upon the leads there is a fine prospect of
manufacturing industry before us, but of the various useful purposes
serves in the arts, we can here give no account, as only one kind in
place is likely to be read. Salts of lead are occasionally employed
unscrupulous concootors of cheap sherries to remove acidity, so
after partaking of a bottle of -wine sweetened in this way, the
inful lead-ache that follows is canily accounted for.


LEAP.-In spring Dame Nature turns over a new leaf, and in
autumn, by consulting the same book, we shall find the leaf, living
been red, is turned down so as to remind her to begin again wvlh'er
she left off. We never doubt the foliage will reappear at its appointed
season, for a tree may always be depended on. Tim fine principle
which makes its leaves strew at ono time, should mako its braui'lel
be-leaved at another.


THE PETERHOFF AND THE PIRATE.
Ar -"The tight little island."
JOHNNY RUSSELL one day to ADAnM did say,
Let you and I make a convention,
That you'll not touch a ship, unless one trisc to slip
The blockade (in the way of prevention)."
Said ADAMS, "As I've no intention
To pro-duce a bone of contention,
I'll send by boat
Just a short note
To WILKaES, who's about near Ascension.
"In the meantime you write, calm, cool, and polite,
To SEWARD, who has the pretension
To adjust all suol'things, and to pull all the strings,
That lead to no end of dissension "
He did so, in terms I won't mention,
And SEWAID replied, His intention
SWas to prevent
Ships like the T'rent
From WJLKAES' absurd intervention."
"But," said he, I must add this warning, my lad,
Men trade with the Mexican nation,
By the ships Pctcrhoff nud Addla, that scoff
At my wish to obtain explanation :
Therefore in your situation,
Pray do not express indignation,
If CAPTAIN WILKtIS
And his crew bilks
Any ship with my authorization."
As usual, RUSSELL, in too great a bustle,
(Like humming top in its gyration),
To attend as lhe ought, or p'raps wanting in thought,
About the real good of the nation,
(Since getting peer's elevation),
Replied not, nor made calculation;
Nor told the House
What a great chouso
MISTER SEWA RD had in contemplation.
At last came a crash, VANDERBIIrI' made a datsh,
And pirate WII.KS sent to Key West,, 0!
The good ship Petcrhoff, 'cos its owners dar'd scoff
At SEWARD'S most lame manifesto;
This is scarce done, when lhy-prosto !
JOHNNY RUtSSELL need lipt forth his best toe,
Lest he should hear
Many a sneer,
At blunders, his papers contest to.
Brother Britons, be firm this is but the germ
Of insults to come from that sly land ;
Though I think we must own 'lis thel rulers alone
Who'd insult tho flag of our island.
For, when to steal or to buy land,
Folks went there, they went from our island :
And I am sure,
That evermore,
Columbians true love this island.


BRAVO, "HIOTSPUR! "
WE quote the following from the "sporting article" of the Daily
Telegraph of April 1 :-
Old Toer OIvIvn sent Fairwater to the post in superb fettle, and i one of LtI
most beautiful mares that ever trod the turf."
We have often heard our American cousins designate a person old
horse," but it has been reserved for an Englishman to turn a man into
a mare !

A B3rnn ron A GASFITTIE.-A piping bnllfinclh.


___
__ ____


~


-.


11 IT is.









8 F. [APRIL 11, 1863.


REMINISCENCE OF 1862.

Garotter (politely) :-- DON'T BE AFEARD, SIR; I VON'T 'URT YOU NO MORE NOR WOT'S
IIAUSEIRLUTELY NECESSARY. 'OLD THE GEN'LIM'N'S 'ED A II1NCH OR SO MORE FORRARDER, BILL,
TILL YER ?"


COLUMBIA'S SAILOR KING.
A R-" The British Grenadiers."
1 AlA coming back from Malta, with the health-flush on my cheeks,
'Tho pride of Britain's naval sons, and the chosen of the Greeks ;
If the Greek throne can't be mine, mamma, as JOHNNY RUSSELL prates,
11 be king of something mightier far-the re-United States.
And if Canada you'll cede to me, my dear mamma, I guess
All Columbia's cute, skedaddling sons my exodus will bless;
E'on the little boys at school will write, as copies, on their slates-
"The Sailor King, KING ALFRED, Of the re-United States."
And I'll out the combs of Gallic cooks who now presume to crow
On the walks that don't belong to them, in far-famed Mexico;
And the ACKERIMANS would publish soon (in twenty-shilling plates),
The portrait of the Sailor King of the re-United States.
Oh1! there's only one point that I dread, which might my empire mar,
It is this, that Britons won't be slaves, nor rule o'er those who are;
And so I'll strive, nor strive in vain, till slavery abates,
When I am ALFRED, Sailor King of the re-United States.
And I calculate we'll soon produce, for our Canadian mills,
Some cotton rais'd by the well-paid hands who work their own free
wills;
And in truth my honest English pride in this hope culminates,
To be the happy Sailor King of the free United States.
Thou the South should seek the North again, with warm fraternal hand,
And the grip of brotherhood should bless this highly-favoured land,


A STRING OF MOTTOS.
FOR Doctor's Commons. Where
there's a will there's a way.
For Publicans.-Love me, love my
grog.
For Cooks.-Onion is strength.
For Bakers.-Early to broad and early
to rise.
For Undertakers.-Always say die.
For Thieves.-True as steel.
For Hairdressers.-Two heads are
better than one.
For Fishmongers.-Confession is good
for the soul.
For Tailors.-True as the needle.
For Lawyers.-Holy writ.
For garotters.-Neck or nothing.
For Opticians.-Mind your eye.
For Retired Authors.-Above proof.
For Cheesemongers. High and
mighty.
For Unsuccessful Poets.-Hard lines.
For Cabmen.-Hire and hire.
For Old Mai d.-Marry come up.
For Firemen.-Gone to blazes.
For the Inmates of Bedlam.-Out of
sight, out of mind.
For Betting-men.-Where's the odds.
For Millers.-None so dusty.
For Milkmen.-Chalk it up.
For Postmen.-True to the letter.
For Gunners.-Off like a shot.
For Violin-players.-Fiddle-de-dee.
For Porkbutohers.-The whole hog or
none.
For Ugly People.-The plain truth.


SERIOUS QUESTION FOR EVERYBODY.-
If it be true that the longer you know a
man the more highly you esteem him,
does it follow that you will think little
of a short acquaintance ?-Never mind
a reply. We hate impudence.
ECCLESIASTICAL PREFERMENTS (AND WE
DON'T MUCH WONDER AT THEM).-Fat
livings to poor curacies, and church.
rates to voluntary contributions.

--I'


Where scarcely nature needs man's aid in aught that she creates-
Then 'twere bliss to be KING ALFRED of the re-United States.
For such empire never yet was claimed since NOAH was the king
(Though COLENSO don't believe he was) of every living thing,
ALEXANDER'S self would be content, despite what history states,
Could he be ALFRED, Sailor King of the re-United States.


IN-COMPLETE LETTER WRITERS.
A LITTLE while since, GENERAL KNOLLYS, as the PRINCE OF WALES'
secretary, delighted the world with noble penmanship, which scorned
all the elegancies of composition. Now MAJOR COWELL, who has
forwarded a rifle for PRINCE ALPRED to MR. FRANCIS of the Koonap
Hotel, Cape Town, has been doing likewise. Here is the epistle :-
"MAJoa COWELL is desired by His Royal Highness PaINCB ALFRBD to inform
Ms. FRANCIs that the rifle goes by this mail to the Cape. It is by REILLY and
one of great range; and MAJORn OWELL hopes that it will arrive in good con-
dition. MAJOR COWELL hopes that MR. FRANCIB is quite well-he will be glad to
know his Royal Highness is so.-Her Majesty's ship St. George, 29th September,
1862."
We will not find fault with the ambiguous expression that would
lead us to suppose that the rifle had two manufacturers-" REILLY
and one of great range." Neither will we complain of the major's
repeated hopes-good as betokening a sanguine disposition, but bad
as denoting an ignorance of the common elegancies of composition.
But what does the major, who is with the prince, mean by saying he
(MAJOR COWELL, of course) will be glad to hear his Royal Highness
is so." So what ? We do not know: but the composition is altogether
so-so.








* APRIL 11 1863.] E'.


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 31.--JOSEPH SOMEs, M.P., F.S.A.
FEw persons, we imagine, had ever heard of the noble name o:
SOMES until the other day, and it is probable that after the next
election we shall never hear it again. As the obscure owner of this
unhonoured appellative, therefore, is invested with a brief but un-
enviable notoriety, and is never likely to attain real distinction, it may
be questioned whether we are right in permitting him to appear in
the lustre of this series. But our readers must remember that Natural
History would be incomplete if it contented itself with describing the
nobler animals, the elephant, the lion, the ass-the cur even. It must
go lower yet, and descend to the delineation of minute insects, occa-
sionally described as industrious," and commonly eliminated by the
impinging of finger-nails. It must even stoop to the study of
parasitic unclean atoms, indications of disease and disorganiza-
tion. In the same manner the author of Lives of Eminent States-
men," after chronicling the GLADSTONEs, the KINGLAKEs, the CECILS,
and the MONTAGUES, must condescend to anatomize the SOMESES of
Parliament. Thus it is that Justice and Truth are at times compelled
to give to individuals, who would never attain it for themselves,
eminence-even though, at times, it be only the eminence of the
gibbet.
This person, JOSEPH SOMES, was born in the year 1819. He was
exhaled amid the miasmatic mists and fogs of low-lying Stepney, on
the mud banks of the polluted Thames. Where he was educated is
not stated in "Doe's Companion," the only record of his existence
extant. We should imagine from the narrow views he holds, that he
never was educated; but, if he was, he has had the good sense not
to injure the school which reared him by supplying its name to the
indefatigable DOD.
By occupation he is a shipowner, and represents Hulls in more
than one sense. By some means or other he has been made a deputy-
lieutenant of the City of London and the Tower Hamlets, and possibly
shares with MR. TILLEra the honour of having been presented at
court-an honour not shared by the court in either instance.
He resides at the Elms, MIuswell-hill-a place which he probably
Calls the Helms-and purchased because the name reminded him of
his shipping property. How he obtained the F.S.A., which is tag to
his name, we cannot ascertain, unless it means a Fellow of the
Sabbatarian Asses-sociation. Of course he is a magistrate for
Middlesex and Essex. Justices' Justice would hardly be properly
administered if persons of the SOMrES class were not pla.:ed on the
bench to interpret laws which they are too ignorant to understand,
and which they twist to the purposes of bigotry and oppression.
SofEs, who was first returned for Hull in 1859, is a Liberal Con-
servative." If there is a political nick-name more mean and shuffling
than "Liberal Conservative," we should like to see it. It implies a
man who is ready to vote with either party for reasons which will not
always bear light-a chameleon ready to turn to the colour of that
which feeds it-a bat prepared to side with the beasts or the birds
according as victory declares for either one or the other.
He is opposed to the ballot naturally, though short-sightedly, for
we can well imagine that many even of his own partizans would be
ashamed to vote openly for him. With equal "liberalism" he opposes
the grant to Maynooth, although, for reasons best known to himself,
he wishes to see "Dissenters relieved from church-rates." He
supports a lowering of the franchise-perhaps because he thinks that
after he has been elected by its exercise, it is impossible for it to be
reallyy lowe red any further.
His last act has been the introduction of a bigoted bill for closing
all public-houses on Sunday. The public does not need more than to
be told of this to know the sort of man he is. So iniquitous, so cruel,
so short-sighted a measure at once stamps the man who proposes it.
The matter has been sufficiently discussed for the requirements of the
public, and we shall not descend to reason with SOMEs. To employ
argument on him would be like using swan-shot to kill a tom-tit, or
employing a steam-engine to crush a black-beetle. We would, how-
ever, protest against one argument which has been largely employed
on this question. It has been urged over and over again, that while
the poor man was deprived of his beer on Sunday, Ma. SOMus might
obtain whatever he liked at his club. MR. RoEBUCK, too, by way of
appealing to him to withdraw his measure, threatened to move for the
closing of all clubs on Sunday-thinking an appeal to him through self
the easiest way of approaching him. But we cannot for a moment
believe that any club in London ever was betrayed into admitting
SouEs as a member.
With these few brief, but not unkindly remarks, we dismiss him
again to his obscurity, apologizing both to the public and to those
whose biographies form this series, for having, even for sanitary pur-
poses, unearthed him and exhibited him in these pages.


VERY LIKE A WAIL.
NEW BALLAD AS SUNU BYr THE BENCH OF BISHOPS IN CONVOCATION.
f Ou, dear! what is to be done with COLENSO ?
t Who will use his episcopal pen so
Improperly,
SThat all men can see
A heretic rank is COLENSO.
As a bishop we can't touch COLENSO,
Whatever may be his offence. Oh!
Who will suggest
What way were the best
To trounce this recusant COLENSO ?
All in vain we've appealed to COLENSO,
His book to recant in extenso;
But 'tis no use,
Nor praise nor abuso
Can silence this dreadful COLENso.
In addition we'vo urged on COLENso,
Who thus worries orthodox men so,
To yield his see,
And no longer he
A bishop. I shan't!" says COLENSO.
So we'ro nonplussed by Bisuor CoLENso;
Our weakness thus proves his defence. Oh!
Why won't you learn
From your errors to turn,
And be orthodox? Please do, COLENSO!



STRANGE IF TRUE.
URIOUS things are to be bought
and sold in London. Among
others there is the following: -
SEINSTEII TERRACE.-To be lt,,
hld h somely furnislhed or uinrl, r
t nshcd, one of these superior houses,
being perlectly open in Iront, and a ni-
taging lline bed-roomns, bslth-rool),, liv\)
receptlon-roonms, and (xcelluntI dIo-
mesLic offices. Apply, etc.
A superior house, but perfectly
open in front, is an idea lpillpibly
borrowed fromn the doll's-houses if
our infant sisters, and from certain
Sm Ialrvellous scenes at transpontino
theatres in which four dilliercnt
actions are transpiring in four
different rooms at the same time.
\ Supposing that the discomforts
attending unlimited wind and rain
could be satisfactorily mastered,
4 we cannot help thinking that a
house so constructed, challenging,
as it would, criticism on all points,
would conduce materially both to
improved domestic arrangements,
alnt also to the general good
behaviour of its inmates.
A lileral-lhearted fellow inserts
this:-
FOR 30 guineas only, the property of a gentleman having no further use for
them, a strong Cob Pony, with Basket-Carniago and Harness.
The connexion of the cob pony and basket-carriage with the former
part of the advertisement is not altogether clear; but one fact is un-
mistakeable; the advertiser has thirty guineas for which lie hat no
further use. We shall bo most happy to see the gentleman at 80, Fleet-
street, as soon as he can make it convenient to call.



WHAT'S the differenQp between a light breeze and a diplomatist
who has just finished an interview with the foreign secretary ?-The
one rustles the leaves, and the other leaves the IRu:S:L,,
POLICE INTELIGENCE.-T'li four men who mounted the elms in
Hyde Park to witness the proc':-sion on lthe 7th ullt., are to Ie 1 led ;it
the Old Bailey for high treason.


~-I ----


r:N.


;19


I








F UN.


[APRIL 11, 1863.


THE "SHOW" AT ASHBURNHAM HALL.
(As Described in a Letter from a Newfoundland in the Country to a Poodle in Tovn.)


The Kennel, April 1st, 1863.
Mr DEAR POODLE,-I, and a select party of canine friends, were
invited the other day to Ashburnham Hall to see a "Man show,"
though several of the fairer sex, as I believe they are called, were
collected at the same time to increase the interest of the display. My
master having given me permission, I travelled carefully to the spot
in a snug box, and then found that similar cards of invitation had
bcon sent to about twelve hundred of us, with the desire that we should
stop a week and make ourselves as comfortable as possible. There
was a nice place to run in, where we had capital fun, I assure you,
and we wore really treated, I must say, in a most hospitable manner.
More bones and less need of them. That we might all see the show
without any inconvenience, we were arranged in four double rows
along the entire length of the hall, and each day the proprietor intro-
duced new specimens of the human species to our notice, who were
made to walk so slowly past us that we could get a close opportunity
of observing the peculiarities of each. I should say, from the opinion
of a sagacious mastiff who was next to me, that it was quite as good
an exhibition as ever was brought together. In the full-sized large
men it seemed to me deficient, but in the sporting men, and those we call
"toy" men, the endless varieties were very striking. There was a gaunt,
slim, wiry form of a life-guardsman-who allowed me to stand up and
pat him on the shoulder-that I should think was as fine a specimen
of his class as was ever exhibited. He was quite tame. There were
some couples who had no remarkable features, but seemed spiteful
and snappish, and these we were warned to refrain from approaching
too near. There were some fine specimens of the aristocratic class,
tihe males, tall, lithe, clean-limbed, and singularly active, and the
females having the slender, finely-formed head, and full intelligent
cye which it is such a pleasure to gaze upon.. The class known as
" tle idlers" was exceedingly numerous, and, on the whole, constituted
a very fine show. The men not usod for sporting purposes were so
various that I cannot pretend to distinguish, their characters and
merits. There were portly personages whois deep, loud tones rang
through the hall; thin men, troublesome ard taciturn; consequential


bores, evidently thinking a great deal of themselves; tuft-hunters
and pets from Belgravia, with a fine sample of a foreigner, who, I was
told by a terrier, only arrived in England the day before the opening
of the show. Altogether we were very much pleased, and I hope it
will not be long before we have another treat of the same kind.
Excuse bad punctuation, but you know I am no pointer.-Yours, my
dear Poodle, ever, NEWFOUNDLAND.


MILITARY SPECTACLES.
ily eyes just look here :-
"The Bavarian Minister at War has issued an order prohibiting all officers in
the service from wearing spectacles. Those who cannot do without them are
recommended to resign, as being unfit for military duty."
Wo see no reason to decry the enforcement of sobriety and dis-
cipline in the army, but surely a pair of goggles cannot be considered
a glass too much. It would be fair enough to apply the rule to naval
officers, because they are expected to be sea-captains.


UNTENABLE.-An action (in law) that won't lie.-A just one.

The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by Distin-
guished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the THIRD Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Numnber, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
The whole of the back numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
on sale.


Printed and Published (ior the Proprictors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 11, 1863.


---------
---~- --~-----









FITJI


j ArR 19, 1863.]


THE INTERESTING EVENT OF THE FIFTH.
WHICH THE SWEETEST PRINCESS SAYS, SEND FOR SAIREY, FOR
SHE'S A WOMAN TO BE TRUSTED, AND IS BEKNOWN TO ME."


A RUN AT BRIGHTON.
BY A HAMPSHIRE "THISTLE-WHIPPER."
WE saw you, dear FUN, on the bleak Brighton downs,
That morning when England astonished her BROWNS;
And-though you spotted all that occurred near the course-
Here's the story, from one of the 1st Hants Light Horso.
We rode to the field, on that dull April day,
In all thirty-seven-poor muster, you'll say!
But quality always can quantity spare;-
Which is just what I'll say of the men who were there.
"Of the men and their horses," I hear you remark,
And by Jove you don't speak as one much in the dark;
For the plain honest truth of the matter, dear FUN,
Is-the 1st Hants Light Horse were well mounted, each one.
And here I'll observe, for it's no more than right,
That the part which we took in the Brighton sham fight
Would surely be taken, were danger in view,
By thousands of good English gentlemen too.
On thorough-bred hunters to battle they'd ride,
As gaily as if to the still cover-side;
And the best M. F. H. in the country to them
Would seem most deserving the rank of F. M.
But now to my tale. We were mustered at ten,
And for two mortal hours we bore it like men.
The sight in the Level was something to see,
And the girls in the windows glanced slily at B.
(For B. is our captain, which doubtless you know;
And not so bad-looking as fox-hunters go.)
Wo quitted at noon the most towny of towns,
When the whole of the troops were en route to the downs,
A volley of cheering saluted our band
As we galloped past PAULET in front of the stand.
"Well done! was the cry of the staff, to a man;
And soon after this, sir, the action began.
A short easy canter had brought us all quick
To the ridge that looks over the valley of Wick;
And here, from the battery crowning the height,
A hoarse note of challenge preceded the fight.


N. 41


Away rolled the furious echoes to sa ;
And back they came, sullen and dull as could be,
Like the heaving and flapping of some loosened sail,
That beats its own breast in the terrible gale.
Away rolled the smoke, o'or tho yellow-tipped gorse,
And stealthily after it went the Light Horse,
Who crept from the right of the line of attack,
With a squadron or two of the 9th at their back.
Those big eighteen-pounders went pounding away,
And heavy the clouds on the Wick valley lay;
Till suddenly ceased the loud battery's roar,
And the smoke that had hid us then hid us no more.
Now please to imagine that we, having got
In front of the enemy, found the plaeo lhot;
Their skirmishers, armed with the Enfiold, hlol, clenn
At the three hundred yards from behind Woodendcan.
To make it more pleasant, the brisk II. A. C.
Unlimbered their guns before you could count thrcc,
And joined with a will in the nice little sport
Commenced by those devils, the fierce luns of Court.
We tried on our game of dismounting, you know;
But whore was the use, when exposed to the foo ?
So we rather got inW) our saddles, dear FUN,
And did what you'd do, I suppose,-cut and run.
Had the battle been earnest, tlhro's not the least doubt
They'd have saved us the trouble of this last set-out.
For your own correspondent here frankly avows
His belief, we had all been made meat for bow-wows.
In fact, sir, the battle was won, in due course,
By somebody else than the lst Hants Light 1orso ;
Who slightly skedaddled, I'm free to confess,
But have no need to fool ashamed, nevertheless.
On the contrary, please to print this in your next-
The let Hants Light Horse are the last to feel vexod
At being outnumbered by such friendly foes,
As England, they feel, can at all times oppose.
And call on the country to read as she runs,
That true British pluck is worth more thani big guns;
And to gather fresh hints of the power slo wields,
From the fences and brooks of hor fair hunting-liolds.


A CLERICAL MACHINE.
THESE must be very hard times, and we aro oven inclined to beliove
that life is shorter than it used to be. True, we are living in an iron
age, and it is obvious that some people won't be contented until they
get machines with brains. Here is a specimen of a class :-
C LERK Wanted, in a Mechanical Office.-Wanted at (orrespoaollig Clerk and
Bookkeeper. A man with abilities, who will nttuin to business from
6 a.m. to 8 p.m., will be liberally treated. Apply to J. W., etc.
This is a "mechanical office," a place where everything is d(one by
machinery, and so ME. J. W. wants to add another piece of fiurnituro
which will do all the work of an intelligent being, but in other
respects officiate as any other article of office furniture. .. W. in
doubt considers fourteen hours a day a mere fleabite, and we can
therefore form an opinion of what his idea of "liberality" may oe.
The only "treatment" which we can conceive a nmn would require
who attends to business from G a.m. to 8 p.m.," is medical treatment,
an idea which possibly never occurred to this pattern of philanthropy.
Satire must fall harmless on the hide of a being possessing so low an
estimate of his species, and we simply hold him up as a study for
slavery abolitionists, who may perhaps learn that their charity might
find some occupation in ninoteenth-century England.


MUSICAL MEMS.
A PROFESSIONAL singer, with a small compass, cannot be said to
have a "narrow squeak for his life."
A sole-o need not necessarily be in C.
The powerful organ, so frequently mentioned by musical crit.icB, is
not drawn by a small pony, and turned by a man on a tlireelegged
stool.
A false-set-to does not take place in a ring with gloves.


CHAN;E rOR A SHILLIo."-Passing from hand to hand!


--- ---


-- --


~[~C~=~~
i









42 F


THE COMIC ENCYCLOPAEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.

.ut a sh~w J a l EGS.-The great difficulty with
C toa n JO diti which humanity has to contend.
"What will he do with them?"
might be the anxious query with
every parent when surveying
( the sprawling limbs of his off-
spring. Train up the legs in the
way they should go, is the finest
form which the educational pro-
cess can take, for on their direction
depends the destiny of every indi-
vidual. The human character is
to be tolerably well indicated by
these appendages to the human
body. The stupid man may always
>be identified with a great calf, and
thin legs will clearly point out the
person who is always standing on
trifles. Black legs are, of course,
always to be avoided. The man
who is compelled to kick another
down stairs, indicates by the move-
ment of his log that he is forced
to proceed to extremities. Those
who wish to develop this portion of
the frame have been recommended
by the faculty to adopt a leg-
uminous diet, but youthful pedes-
trians, who get their living by
walking for wagers, have been
known to subsist entirely on no-
thing else but hard boy legs.
LEIsuIn.-That which all look forward to enjoy, and when obtained
seek to get rid of it in various ways. Those who make business their
idol, would find an idle day a sad business. People with nothing to do
speedily discover that to keep up leisure is to keep up toil, and thus
to make a toil of a pleasure. The best things are generally done in a
hurry, for what is not hastily done will be obviously done without
taste.
LIBnsiT.-Tlhe question as to whether people may do what they
like, is to be considered dependent on the other question, whether
other people may like what they do. Any degree of liberty may be
bestowed on any country where there is a proper order observed, but
it may be observed that if you give a proper order to anybody who
takes the liberty to ask you, the manager of the theatre may tell you
that you have had a privilege which you have made two free with.
LIeBARY.-A collection of books which is supposed to aid the re-col-
leotion of the reader. A man who accumulates many volumes will
always find himself perplexed to know which contains the particular
fact that he wants to learn. The ponderous tome is not always easy
to consult, and the exact place is not easy to find, so that the best
thing a man can do who wants to gain the reputation of a scholar, is
to supply himself with all the contents of all the books he can meet
with, fix them in his mind, and thus become in his own person a com.
plete volume of reference. In this way, instead of shutting himself
up in his library, lie may make himself a tome wherever he goes,
LIFE.-A problem that we shall never solve as long as we live. No
man can ever be quite satisfied with his own, yet he is not allowed to
take anybody else's. The philosopher's view of life is, therefore, as
long as we have it to make the best of it, and the clerical view is to
get the best living possible.
Lrei[T.-A privilege that no Englishman enjoyed until recently
without taxing for it. As the rays of the sun now stream freely into
every dwelling, the householder has no occasion to count the panes
through which the privilege is acquired. The undulating theory of
light is the one now generally adopted, and every other opinion has
been waived accordingly. As the sunbeams are all due early in the
morning, a scientific observer may satisfy himself about sunset that
the theory is correct, as he may watch the declining rays till nightfall
and find 'em none due late. After this he may investigate the pro-
perties of moonshine, and, having devoted years to the task, he may
make light of it if lie likes.
LITERATURE.-The art of putting old words into new places. The
literature of the present day is remarkable for the universality of its
range and the cheapness of its production. Newspaper and periodical


IYN.


[APRIL 18, 1863


editors are now found quite capable of taking up anything, and the
public show they are equally ready to take a penny thing too. For-
merly it was thought to be no joke to be reduced to the last penny,
but now a man has only to go into a newsvendor's shop, and he can
get FUN out of it directly.


LITERATURE IN LEGGINGS.
MY DEAR FUN,-Oh! such a spree. Here's a buffer who went
down to Brighton to see the review, and he wrote a long yarn to the
Star. Well, because it didn't rain, he begins by a small essay on
rain-water, and its influence on volunteers. He's evidently an odd
fish; I think if he dared he would spell volunteers, volunteers. Let
us slip a bit of him for general circulation. With a happy dignity he
says:-
Certainly there can be no doubt that the weather has been one of the most
formidable enemies with which the volunteer movement has had to contend."
Sage observation, 0 omniscient scribe! The volunteers care little
for the weather; they are not of the family of unwashed to which
your contemporary's correspondent seems to belong. But this is
nothing. Proceed:-
"And, moreover, it would seem this fact is not to be solved by attributing it
to the caprices of the clouds; it rather confronts the meteorological philosopher
with all the stubborn dignity of an ascertained law."
Ho ho So the fact, sir, can't he solved. Doesn't this look very
like water on the brain ? According to this keen-witted scribe the
heavens have declared eternal hostility to the volunteer movement.
In a jiffey, however, down comes the penny-a-liner with a pat on the
back and a bonbon for the victim:-
"But let him be consoled by the reflection that his forefathers in arms were
peculiarly liable to aqueous visitations."
I suppose we are to understand that it rained a century or two
ago-a fact which, of course, we didn't know before. That our
informant's forefathers were "peculiarly liable to aqueous visitations "
I don't doubt; but why he should saddle his family failing upon the
great body of his fellow-countrymen, this irregular and eccentric
representative of literature in leggings doesn't condescend to explain.
I would recommend him to leave Star-ing among the clouds for a
while to turn to the "milky way," where he possibly might find that
this sort of essay-writing isn't quite the cheese."
KNICKERBOCKER.

"JURY" RIGGING FOR WIVES.
THE case of JOLLY v. REES, in which a husband was sued to recover
the value of goods ordered by the wife without his sanction was heard
the other day at Bristol before MR. JUSTICE BYLES. MR. KARSLAKE
was counsel for the defendant, and thus stated the rules laid down by
the judges and their result:-
If they were allowed at pleasure to order goods, wives would be their own
carvers, and, like hawks, would fly abroad and find their own prey; that it
would be-left to the pleasure of a London jury to di ess any wife in such apparel
as they thought proper."
A capital notion! We would recommend that a jury be at once
appointed to regulate ladies' dress, and that DR. LANKESTER be chair-
man. There really is no limit to ladies' millinery; it's quite impossible
to make them keep square," and that they should be at liberty to
extend their bounds according to their own pleasure seems absurd.
The jury would probably cut the rigging according to the size of the
craft, and we should get rid of that painful apparition, the "weaker
vessel," under a press of sail. Ladies have been out at sea in opposi-
tion to their friends long enough; let them now enter port, and,
taking in a cargo of common sense, and as many reefs as the jury of
their countrymen may dictate, give up trundling hoops in the face of
public opinion.


EPIGRAM.
BY OW wno nHO DO 'T sEsN EIALP-NOTES TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXOHBEQUR.
WE for so many years have heard about
The in-come tax, we wish it would go-out.


NAVAL EXAMINATION.-We read in the naval and military intelli-
gence that some of the small Government screw steamers are about
to undergo a close examination. It is quite in accordance with the
fitness of things that a tiny screw should have a scru-tiny.
FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE.-Queen Anne's dead !


____









APIIL 18, 1863.


FU 1N.


ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
THIS month the mouth of the Thames will not be cleared out, as it is
already very tidey.
How to Tell the Probable Weather in a Family.-When Pater-
familias comes down in the morning with a long piece of sticking-
plaster on his chin, gloomy weather may be expected; if breakfast
be not ready, look out for a breeze ; and if in consequence he misses
his usual omnibus, a violent storm may confidently be predicted,
followed by a shower (of tears from Materfamilias).
APRIL.

S 12 Sermon at St. Paul's from a light of the chutoch who has
been much put out by BISHOP COLENSO.
M 13 Grand arrival of musical celebrities with notes ior gold.
Tu 14 Die Gesohichte von BLODGERS.-Recolleo0t hia whole
worldly wealth consists-it being near quarter-day-of a
fourpenny-bit, a franc, and a bad shilling, to determines
for the present to postpone his flight until----he
exact time will be divulged at a future period.
W 15 FUN. The real FuN-der of the world appears to-day. A
general spread of mirth and a large blow-out of laighter
is the natural result.
TH 16 Grand dinner of the Waterloo Bridge Compan. The
shareholders are told that the profit ate tbrfd ed.
F 17 Emigration to Poland of all the bad aetore. being looked
on as sticks here, they hope to make tanil poles.
S 18 Procession of linendrapers in patternsh hbaed by MR.
YA~DLEY ringing an ell.

THE GARDEN.
Terpsichorean Vegetables.-Capers and hops.
Marjoram.-When the younger members of a family get at the jam
cupboard, and are caught in the act by their maternal relative, it is
almost certain to make ma jaw 'am considerably.
Dock.-This plant is principally found in the neighbourhood of the
police offices and the Old Bailey. In the latter place it is generally
accompanied by rue.
How to kill Slugs.-Collect all you can find, and take them to hear
DR. CUMMING. Make them swallow all his astounding statements,
and if they don't choke them the case is hopeless.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
B Flat.-Bitus Hall in Beds is, we believe, the family seat of the
Norfolk Howards.
Cutty.-The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER invariably smokes
Treasury returns.
Wriggles is wrong; the editor of the Record is not the author of Hot
Codlins."
Dumps.-Certainly, JULIUS CESAR was in the leather trade. Didn't
he mention the 'ides of March, and what a tanning he gave the
Gauls.
Queer Eye.-Pickled whelks were first brought to this country in
1745. Hence the popular cry of "Wilks and 45."


THE WHOLE HOG WITH A VENGEANCE.
THE American Congress has imposed a tax on killed hogs, but not
on killed pigs. How the tax-gatherer is to decide, at the sight of the
pork, whether the animal has attained the six months' growth necessary
for hogdom is not stated. Of course, you can't tell the critter's age
by looking in his mouth; and pigs, especially dead ones, will not
unfold their own tales, and confess that they are six months old.
Neither is it at all likely that the butcher will plead guilty to hog-
slaughter instead of pigslaughter. On the whole, therefore,-on the
whole hog, if you like,-we incline to think the tax deserves to be
nick-named the pig and whistle "-for the latter is what Congress
will have to do for the money. It would require tax-gatherers with
all the wisdom of a BACON to say at once, on seeing a side of pork,
whether hogcide or pigoide had been committed.


MAXIM FOR THE CLAIMANTS OF PRIZE MONEY.-" Virtue is its own
reward,"-and seems likely to be the only one it will get.
THE GOLDEN FLEECE.-The company that proposed to take people
overland to the Columbian gold-fields.
THE BRITISH INSTITUTION.-Beer.


CORRESPONDENCE.
MY DEAR i84-I am a poet. Yes. I can do anything-pathetio,
heroic, comie, bcolic, anacreontic. Employ me. See. This is in
my powerful stylo. It appeared in the Bucklesbury Bombshell, and
was signed SALA'ron RuosS FUSELI PORKCHOPS.
On Salisbury Plain.
When pitch-encrusted blowsy night prevails,
And loud-wrapped yellings fright the sphumous glen,
When loathsome bats and slimy serpent-trails
Infest the scummy miasmatic fens;
When toads that belch their ftutmoe venom forth,
And owls that hoot and yell in shadowy mist,
And greasy lizards foaming poisonous froth,
Beneath grim Stonehenge hold their devilish tryst;
When they do this, I'll breath a heartfelt prayer,
That I may not-oh! no--may not be there !
Or do you prefer something simple P This in my simple style:-
The Coming of the Spring.
Oh! yes, the spring is coming,
And the little birdies sing,
And the little bees are humming
In the air, like anything.
And little, little fellers
Walk about among the flowers,
Armed with little umberellers,
Fearing little April showers.
"And clever little poets,
To the musio-sellers bring
Their pretty little ballads
On the coming of the spring.
Write to me. I hunger, The poet hungers. Yes. Can I mako
riddle P Of course I can. See:-Why is an abusive article in a
certain weekly paper like a popular novel P-Because it's a roar of
Lloya (" Aurora Floyd "). Good.-Yours, S. R. F. P.
To the Editor of Fwn.

BLIGHTED HOPES.
THE following touching advertisement appeared in the front page
of the EveninIg Standard:-
SAMELLIA.-My heart is broken, and in throe days I leave England for over.
That accursed document was forged. Wallflower has gone.
Our clairvoyant contributor has discovered the subjoinod incidents
in it:-
He was a linendraper's assistant.
Tall-pale-with whiskers-and could dance. Amiable-handsome
-melancholy
Spotless white his hands, his teeth, and his shirt-collars.
Alas he was poor!
Might he not obtain a wife and-pshaw!-money.
He was not fastidious to age. Age gave wisdom. He did not
require beauty. Beauty fadeth.
He described his person-his qualities-his want-in the "corre-
spondents' column of-no matter.
He was replied to the following week, and accepted by CAMELLIA.
CAMELLIA described herself midst the correspondents" as of
years thirty-with 30,000, and thirty suitors; but, rapture! she
accepted him!
Joy True, he was beloved by his cousin, whom he called his WALL-
FLOWER, for she lived at Blackwall.
But! he would dismiss her, his cousin, by a letter. Ho did.
Happy dog I in the correspondents' column of-no matter-ho
asked, he implored CAMELLIA to call for a letter which lay at the
office of"-no matter.
CAMELLIA responded in the "correspondents," and-an assignation.
They met! Ha!
A bonnet!-crinolino !-but-a MAN!
CAMELLIA was the bosom friend and follow-pupil of WALLFLOWII.
They had suspected him vain and false -had conspired-had proved
his heartlessness.
It was her brother who had imitated CAMELLIA'S writing.
That accursed document was forged "
It was CAMELLIA'S brother whom he now met.
A horsewhip-one word-the whip raised-the lash falls !
He wept.
The brother married WALLFLOWER on St. Patrick's day last. And
on the following Monday appeared the advortisemnent at the heading
of this disclosure.


D- __
--------- ----








44F UJ 1S. [APRIL 18, 1863.
44 ^ ___ -_____---i


THE LAST CHAA'fNCE-
CIIRLEY (indignantly):-" I SHOULD LIKE TO PUNCH THAT FELLOW'S HEAD: HERE'S TIIE LAST RUN OF THE SEASON, AND I HAVEN'T PROPOSED
TO IHER!"


POOR MEN'S CLUBS.
BY A MEMBER OF ONE.
CoME, popular "pet" parsons, from SPURGEON to BELLEW,
Come, senders out of tons of tracts to torrid Timbuctoo,
Coieo, ore abroad your sympathies to foreign matters roam,
And lot us have five minutes' chat 'bout "Poor Men's Clubs" at
home.
All glory to those clergymen who formed our "Poor Men's Club;"
Claro Market is its homely site-but there I'll get my grub,
Moat-soup a penny for a pint, and mutton past belief,
Four ounces, fiir, for twopence, and the samo for "scrumptious" beef!
And glory to those Christian men who at Claro Market met,
Their faces againstt sectarian cant in manly sort to set:
We won't," said they, "ask hungry men, that come here to this club,
Are you Protestant or Papist ?-No! walk in, man; hero's your
grub!"
The wealthy have their dining-rooms, with flunkeys there to wait;
The poor man in a greasy shop eats steamed meat off his plato;
It costs him more that way to dine than hero to get good grub,
Full weight, no charge for cleanliness. Gents, won't you help our
Club ?
Religion is a blessed thing; but man to live must eat,
And with tracts a starving stomach it is scarce the thing to treat.
Combine the two, as here they do, to body and to soul,
Give each its share of nutriment, and God will bless the whole.
Gents talk about our drunkenness. I know that well they may;
There's truth-no doubt it's kindly meant-in what good people say ;
But let them visit London's slums, where husbands, children, wives,
Are packed like pigs, and then they'll know how hard are poor folks'
lives !


What wonder if our wretched dens of darkness, dirt, and gloom,
We gladly leave, awhile to sit in some gay pothouse room,
Where lights burn bright and talk grows brisk o'er baccyy, gin, or ale,
And seeds are sown a crop to grow for hospital and jail P
Oh! gentlemen and ladies, to Clare Market come with me,
A sight to warm the cockles of your hearts you there may see;
One social problem there is solved. They who found out the rub,"
Have earned a poor man's gratitude. Come, won't you help our Club ?


THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.-It is a curious illustration of the imita-
tive habits of man, that when the Poles begin to use their scythes,
the Russians begin cutting too.
LATEST ADVICES FROM AMERICA.- Well, about the latest advice
is-" Mind your own business!"


TO THE NERVOUS.
TNDIGESTION, headache, and billions derangement are speedily
removed by the perusal of the Third Volume of Fui. Numerous testi-
monials may beseen at the office from royal personages, members of parliament,
barristers, and clergymen, evidencing the amount of good a few applications to
its pages have done them:-
"I was an excessively disagreeable old party, until my nephew BoB brought
me a number of FUN, which I devoured instantly. The irritable symptoms
rapidly disappeared, and my friends declare that I am now positively bearable."
-GREGORY GnUMBLEr.-Charing Cross.
"My risible muscles had long ceased to act. The best medical attentions for
years failed. One day I accidentally lighted on a copy of Fux, and was delighted.
The stiffness of the risible muscles has left me, and I am enabled to resume my
cachinnatory pursuits."-GRIMALDI.-TAe Domns.
My excessive thinness was a perpetual source of anxiety to my friends.
Thanks to a weekly study of FPe, I have laughed so copiously that I have
become quite corpulent. My dressmaker tells me she now makes my dresses
ten inches larger in the waist."-JAEB GIoeLE.-Laffham.







FU -T r.-Ar IL 18, 1863.


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Lord Mayor Rose:-"DON'T BE DONE, DEAR BOY. THAT HlARE WILL GO TO
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APRIL 18, 1863.] I TF T. 47
!iS


OUR SPIRIT COMMISSION.
OBODY is to blame but HOME and
HOWITT. They have told us
such astounding facts, that at last,
in utter despair of arriving at the
truth, we determined to start a
Commissioner of our own, with
full powers to examine witnesses,
spirits (if he could get them),
accordions, hands, tables, pianos,
pitchforks, or anything whatever
that might tend to elucidate this
remarkable subject. The following
is the evidence he has just handed
in as the result of his inquiries:-
DANIEL CIFEQUERS:-Is a clerk
in the City. Know anything of
spirits? Rather Prefers whisky,
though rum and water, with three
lumps of sugar and a slice of lemon,
ain't bad. Not that kind of spirit!
Oh! very good; another party.
Yes; has heard of mediums. Wishes
they were circulating mediums.
Wouldn't he go in for them!
Not at all; oh, no! The governor
promised to raise his screw last
Christmas; didn't do it, though. Thought him a screw. (The Com-
missioner here stopped the witness, as his evidence was becoming
irrelevant.) Never heard a spirit rap; thought a spirit deuced lucky
if it always had a rap. Knew he hadn't sometimes, especially just
before his money was due. Had seen a table go round-a whole
room, for the matter of that. (On being asked when this manifes-
tation took place, witness at last confessed it was after the sixth
tumbler of whisky and water, when celebrating Alee MeReekie's
birthday. Upon which he was ordered to retire; whereupon he
became abusive, and wished to know what the Commissioner was
going to stand?)
MARY ANN SCRAGGLES:-Is a maid-of-all-work. Don't know much
about sperrits; 'taint likely she should, with four flights of stairs, and
lodgers in each of 'em, as is allus a ringin' of their bells, and spectin'
to be waited on immediate; 'taint likely she should 'ave any sperrits.
Mediums ? don't know no such person. Must 'ave lived in the 'ouso
afore she come; wishes she 'adn't come now. Not that? Well, then,
it must be a fine name for gin, and she don't git tone. Only missus
does that, when the lodgers is out; and, my ddh't she jist peg into
their bottles and fill 'em up with water-don't she jist! If that ain't
it, ain't a goin' to answer a lot of questions 'bout what she don't
know nuthin, and would prefer to leave if noways illconwenient.
(Here the witness began to cry, and was requested to go.)
PLANTAGANET MILLEFLEURS:-Is in the Guards. Don't seem to care
about spirits. Doesn't know a medium; why should he? Mediums
don't give dinners and parties; then what's the use of knowing them?
Thinks HOME a humbug; rather a cad than otherwise. HOWITT ?
never heard of him; not in the army-perhaps in the militia, or a
volunteer. Objects to volunteers on principle: the regulars all do.
Supernatural agency! never heard of it. His agents are Cox and
Co., the Craig's-court men. Nothing to do with them ? Well, can't
help it. Objects to being bothered any more; has an appointment at
the Rag, and can't stop any longer. (Here the witness sauntered
out.)
ELIZABETH MATCHEf :-Is a young lady with expectations. Explain
herself? Why, expects to be married some day, if she gets a chance
and an eldest son. Has been told she's pretty; believes it, too.
Know anything of spirits ? she should say so. Attended a stance
last week: such fun! Sat next to CHARLEY CONYERS of the Blues,
who would keep-well, if she must say, he would keep squeezing her
hand under the table. Did the table move ? Of course it did when
CHARLEY pushed it. Is sure he pushed it, because he pressed her foot
at the same time. Should like to speak with a spirit: never did yet;
hopes to, some day. Means to try and have her grandmother up, and
ask her why she didn't leave her the big old brooch she always
promised her. Should like to know that. Thought it very mean of
her, and for her part-- (Here the witness's volubility rendered
her utterly incoherent, and her evidence became so irrelevant, that
the Commissioner requested her to stand down.)


PoLIS CAPTIVITY.-Having your boots cleaned by one of the shoe-
black brigade.


MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT.
WE hardly need state that the famed Mis. GRUNDTY
Was present at Brighton on last Easter Monday,
And witnessed the firing,
Advancing, retiring,
(And tiring to judge from the blown and perspiring),
Deploying, and everything else worth admiring.
Though some foolish folks,
Thought the old thing a honx,
Who had stupidly purchased thlir bacon in pokes,"
And had chosen their seats on the Grand Stand, from which
The pitched battle was hid-as if coated with pitch;
So, pitching it strong, they declare that much clearer
They had seen, if the fight had been pitched somewhat nearer.
Yet, though those the review set, down as a do,
Others vow 'twas successful-and greatly so, too.
The "Devil's Own" corps did the ditto's own work,
Retained for a cause all but lawyers would shirk ;
For they (say the papers, and papers should know)
In The Enemy's" absence, appeared for the foe,
And obtained much applause from spectators at largo
For their excellent mode of resisting a charge."
Though, perhaps, you and I in that matter might spy
But the truth of a proverb as old as the sky;
Which is, Given a rogue-like a rogue none will match him,"
Or, "Wanted one thief-sot another to catch him."
And at all sorts of charges wo know the top-sawyers,
For coming it strong are these very same lawyers.
Of applause and of shout,
The cream beyond doubt
(Though M'MURno, of course, wished the clihers had been groans),
Was given to his lordship whose surname is JONES;
Well! lie really deserves all the welcomes and cheers
That he always receives from the bold volunteers.
As pass April's days
The busy R.A.'s
Have put on the finishing touches and glaze,
And have sent off their works to the place in the square
Where the fountains still squirt their warm drizzle in air,
And still NELSON'S column of lion is bare.
Let us run through tio list of the men who'll be there!
There'll be clever J. SANT,
(Who can paint, if ho can't ?)
And another, who's great on
The canvas, S. LiElGiTlON,
(Five pictures he sends-one's Herodias's Daughter,")
And HooK, who is always at homo in the water,
And poor MR. WARD,
Of whom one is bored,
And SIl EDWIN LANDSEER,
Who can draw dogs and door,
But not model lions, and that's pretty clear;
And MILLAIs, who won't believe Art's torch is half alight
Unless it produces effects called Prim-Raphaelite ;
There'll bo MARKS with some marvellous middle-ago humour,
And WALKER (no sell meant) so runneth the rumour;
STANFIELD, PHILIP, STONE, CALDERON, GOODALL, and EL Ionm,
And others so many, I can't stop to tell more.
But, to look at a list so well filled, truly glad am I,
And look for a treat at the Royal Academy.
A catalogue long of most terrible crimes
Against KINGLAKE was lately made out by the Times;
For the Times, poor old creature, was wonderful spiteful
To think how he'd lashed it with coolness delightful;
Yet, though a long series of error it told over,
Its statements by KINGLAKE were, one by one, bowled over.
Till, at last in despair,
Of succeeding elsewhere,
To beat him by any means, foul ones or fair,
It came to the meanness of doubting his claims
For the improper spelling of some proper names.
Well! a saying of Hamlet's describes it all quite-
" The Times are out of joint-oh! cursed spite."
In foreign affairs there's no news worth inditing,
The Poles are still rising, the Yankees still fighting,
The Greeks are still kingless, the PO'E'B still at Rome,
And in politics still less is stirring at home.









48 F U. [APIL 18, 1863.


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Comnwimicated by a Member of the Arch-l-g-e-l Society.

I 's "THAV IN ~ 5 T'e V ,

SJ *jemovmrCo
_1D, 1empLe
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THE TEMPLE.
HAUNT of lawyers-how d'yo do ? or, in other words, the subject of
this Wandering is the Temple. Some have supposed it was called
the Temple from being the head-quarters of the lawyers ; but this is
a statement as void of foundation as MAHOMET's coffin, which is said
to hang suspended from nothing and supported by the same.
Originally it was the abode of the Knights Templars, who, coming
to England in the reign of KING STEPHEN, pitched their tents, first in
Holborn and afterwards in Fleet-street, but wer6 at last pitched into
and dispersed by EDWARD II., who thus, though no friend to them,
was a considerable pitcher; the POPE of the period, with that beauti-
ful disregard to necum and tuum which not unfrequently pervaded the
papal mind in those ages, handing over their property to the Knights
of St. John, at whose hospital this voluntary contribution was thank-
fully received. By them it was soon afterwards demised to certain
students of the law, who came from Thavies' Inn, and being lawyers,
they were, of course, up to every move, consequently their moving in
the reign of EDWARD II. has never been followed by a move out: as
a writer on the subject observes, They made their beds in the Temple,
and have continued to lie there ever since;" but this can hardly be
regarded as the truth, since the chief courts where the lawyers speak
are not situated in the Temple.
In the time of HENRY VI., the expense of studying in the Temple
was so great that it was only the sons of rich men who could afford to
read there, which was an extremely practical way of teaching the law-
desiring mind to shoot, since the students having paid dearly for the
privilege of learning to play on the legal whistle, would naturally
make their clients (when they obtained them) reimburse them hand-
somoly for whatever tunes they might delight (?) them with, whereby
the most sceptical might be convinced that law, though very often
nasty, is never cheap.
Once established firmly in the Temple, the lawyers speedily increased
in numbers, and soon became a most influential body, though their
prosperity, like the apparel of fast young men, was now and then

Considering the profession of these incoming tenants this is evident a
euphuism for Thieves' Inn; not that we would be uncharitable for worlds. 6Oh I
dear no I


marked bylarge checks; for instance, in 1381, WAT TYLER and the rebels
under his command burnt their library, in consequence of which the
hungry minds, who there sought for intellectual pabulum, were forced
to content themselves with the warm ashes left. Then, again, in
1450, JACK CADE, who on some subjects seems to have had remark-
ably sensible notions of what was good for his country, attacked and
plundered the Temple, hanging all the lawyers he could catch, on the
plea that lights of the law were best hung up; the greater part, how-
ever, escaped this unpleasant fate by rushing out of their chambers
on the first alarm, after affixing on their doors the delusive legend of
Return inne fyve minutes," and the intruders, unaccustomed to
this legal fiction, instead of finding where the lawyers were, only
found the lawyers wary.
After WAT TYLER'S incursion the Temple was divided into the
Honourable Society of the Middle Temple and the Honourable
Society of the Inner Temple, each body having its own hall, but using
the same church, and as this separation has lasted ever since, it may
be called a long division. The Middle Temple Hall was built in 1572,
the want of one having been much felt, and great wonder had been
previously expressed by everyone that such usually sharp practitioners
should so long be without a good hall.
The Societies were celebrated for their plays and masks, a master
of the revels being annually appointed, who, though no cook, had to
superintend the preparing of the game. Nor were they backward at
feasting, in proof of which one of the chief requirements to qualify a
barrister, even in the present day, is that he must eat a certain number
of dinners, as a preparation for the extraordinary amount of astounding
facts he will have to swallow in the course of his career.
In conclusion, the armorial cognizance of the Inner Temple is a
winged horse; the horse signifying the rapid manner in which legal
gentlemen run up a bill of costs, while the wings denote how the
client's money flies when sporting with that most uncertain weapon,
the law. The Middle Temple has for its device a lamb, a very
singular fancy, since the only resemblance to a lamb which we can find
in a lawyer is the fleece.


THE BRIGHTON REVIEW.
AIB-" The Gay Cavalier."
'TwAs on Easter Monday, in sight of the spray,
Softly plashing on Brighton's sancs,
That our volunteers, to heartiest cheers,
Assembled in gallant bands,
Prepared to prove that nought could move
From posts that they chose to hold,
Old England's profs, those men from the shops
And offices brave and bold.
Sweet home, sweet home," said they, we love but thee,
Sweet home, sweet home, sweet mistress of the sea."
And M'MuDno's face looked pleased at the pace
Of the horse and the infantry,
When, amazement! he saw, in spite of his law,
A volunteer crossing the lea;
Off, off!" he exclaimed, and loudly blamed
Him for crossing the line; quoth he-
" Go back to your place, you're but a disgrace,
And a volunteer not fit to be.
Oh those muffs, those muffs, they will not attend to me;
Of such muff's, such muffs, I heartily wish I was free:'
Of course you'd expect that they then would respect
His rules, but such was not the case,
For one more volunteer must needs interfere,
And bring wrath to M'MURDO'S face;
And, fierce as a Thug, he sequestered his plug,
As a mark of extreme disgrace,
That his colonel might know, when it pleased him to show
The plug, and his number might trace.
You may go, you may go, you may go now back to your place,
You may go, you may go, you may go now back to your place."
And, save this contretemps, all went in good form,
Though the Temperance Corps by mischance,
Had a stout groggy horse for their chief to indorse,
And the beast couldn't manage to prance.
And their brave surgeon, too, bestriding a screw,
Don Quixotish rather looked he;
But, passing this by, the critical eye
In vain sought a blemish to see.
Volunteers, volunteers, all England does honour to thee;
Volunteers, volunteers, all England does honour to thee.


i








ApRIL 18, 1863.]


FU TN.T


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 32.-CHARLES GIT; ":. r.P.
WE are indebted to the eminently correct and reliable editor of
"Men of the Times-including Women," (children and infants in arms
half-price) for a curious ballad, stated to have been discovered in the
British Museum, and throwing some light on the history of the GILPIN
family, or, perhaps, more accurately, race. The poem begins as
follows :-
"JOHNa GILPIN was a citizen
Of credit and renown,b
A train-band captain' eke was he
Of famous London town."
CHARLES GI.PIN (who was born in Bristol in 1815) first contested
Parliament in 1852, and it is probable that this allegorical ballad refers
to that occasion. The failure described in the poem no doubt alludes
to the result of his contest, for, as is well known, he was not in the
course of that af-fair made of Perth, M.P., but was elected sub-
sequently in 1857 for Northampton. The poem, after describing his
intention of dining at "the Belle at Edmonton" (doubtless an
allusion to "the Fair Maid of Perth") contains the following picture
of himself:-
"'I am a linendraperd bold,
As all the world doth know,
And my good friend the Calendar,
Will lend his horse to go.'
Quoth Mas. GILPIN, 'That's well said,
And-for that wine is dear,!
We will be furnished with our own,
Which is both bright and clear.'"a
The verses proceed to relate how, as he is on the point of starting,
customers call, and he is compelled to attend to them.
So down he came :" for loss of time,
Although it grieved him sore,
Yet loss of pence full well he knew
Would trouble him much more."'
At last he starts, but is not successful in attempting to roach the
House.
"'Stop! stop! JOHN i GILPIN-here's the House,'k
They all aloud did cry."
We will only quote two more verses of this recondite specimen of
the muse.
So turning to his horse he said,
SI am in haste lo dine;
'Twas for your pleasure you came hero,
You shall go back for mine.''
"Ah luckless speech and bootless boast,
For which he paid full dear,
For, whilo he spoke, a braying ass m
Did sing most loud and clear."
MR. GILPIN, as we havo observed in a note, retired from the pub-
lishing trade, and soon after we find him chairman of the National
Freehold Land Society. In 1857 he took his seat for Nottingham as
a Liberal of the advanced school. Two years after he was sent as
Secretary to the Poor Law Board, it being probably supposed that

a With his usual correctness, the editor of "Men of the Time-including
Women," has given the wrong name. It should be CHARLsS.
& No, he wasn't; he was a citizen of Bristol first of all.
c This is hardly probable, for, as a Quaker, he does not uphold the Volunteer
movement.
d He was not even an unmanufactured rag-merchant. He was for a short
time a publisher and bookseller.
S" This reference to the Calendar would seem to show that MR. GrLep wasnot
disheartened by his defeat at Perth, but meant to Perth-evere, until time (i.e.,
the Calendar) should give him a lift."-Ed. "M. O. T. T.-I. W." This conjecture
is marked with the editor's accustomed astuteness.
I As the Friends are not social, they should know nothing about wine or its
prices.
p The editor of "M. O. T.T.-I.W." does not appear to have seen that this meant
water (aqua pumpaginis, or cerevisia Adami). We should have supposed he would
instinctively have detected the pump.
h "Not' down he came' to the House, or with the money; he was not M.P.,
so the first was not possible, and he was a Quaker, so the second was not proba-
ble."-Ed. M. O. T. T.-I. W."
i Characteristic of the followers of Fox.
J See note a.
k Supply "of Commons."
This courteous address to the animal is perhaps an allusion to his system
for the treatment of criminals, which shall "rather reclaim than punish"-to
quote his own words.;
m It is not possible to ascertain which speech of LonD IloesRT MONTAGUE'S is
here intended.


his equestrian antecedents (ride poem) would aid him to st beggars
on horseback."
His views are sound on most points; ho upholds reform, extension
of the suffrage, ballot, and repeal of the income-tax, anul opposes
state endowments for religious purposes, and the church latcs.
MR. GILPIN has been comparatively a short into in Parliament, but
ho has risen high already, possesses great influence, and holds a
lucrative post. In the words of the bard,-
"He carries weight! Io rides a race!
'Tis for 1,000! "
His career is an honourablo one, and reflects credit on himself and
his Friends. Although of humble origin and Quaker faith, he cannot
be said to be "no great shakes."



A WORD IN SEASON.
To the Heditlr o' 'un.
EER ZUR,-Ivo a ben vnrry much
played to zoo that hare subjio as is
now avoro the spurrital gonlovolk
o' this land concarnin a loollo
animal as Ivo a ben a watching of
all my lifetime.
I in geSAlly goes to rooast durun
the doscoorso o' our panson, vor li
do allus kip oni we zuch torblo
things a:i lo being no collard
doant, sarll o' understand like, billut
yestoer(co being Yeasterdec, ho wur
vurry edifyin on these car vurry
zoanio l'ert icier.
Arter vlying at MUSTER NATAL
which or natally would do, about
hces spectacle book, jest as I wcr a
composin of mozelf vor a comforble
slape, I wer awoked out o' what
S slapo I'd a got in my izo be honi
Szayin as ho ud ventelato the subjio
o' the air, ni sartinlyo he ded go us
zvmthin as acted liko vresh hare
upon I, vor he zed as this car also shepherd had a bin conterdictin
the scripters about the air rheurnenatin or cloewin the kud.
Now when I yeard as this wer hees goamo I thinks, thinks T, he
mus be a valse shepherd surolyoor hle od a knowed that an air is allis
in a stud, a munchin an a looking as how as if a wer consedcren zulm-
thin, an that I shud zay es a ruminatin oreetur, an if a doant ixacly
choo the kud, and I cudden proove as a do, why it doant oschoo it, vor
he do munch it about torble.
Zur, althoo I attends at a vile inn very night I baint no inn fiddle,
nar do I quite agro we MUSTEiR NATAL about this ore game, I nils
zay that in intreducin zulugy into theology lhe wool do leveret vrom
its hare of mystery an inoggerato the natal day of zermons as can be
yeard an understood by yer zervant to command,
AMos MANTRAI.
Geamekipper to SQUInE I'INELMt Oakood Zumnmerzct.
Yeaster Mundy One thousand oit husnderd an zexty-dree.


EPIGRAM.
Suggesting a change of nane to Ms. DILLWYx, M.P., who opposed the modest grant of
',000 to support the useful labours of AnDIHAL FIeziOY at the Mlctorological
Department of the Board of Trade.
'MIDST your thrift, where's your sense ?
Your sad cheese-paring would
Deprive tars of sage hints touching boist'rous or still wind.
Since you've moved for mere "pence,"
And would blow no one good,
Once again move the D," and be styled Mit. ILLWYND.


A R rFF CUSTOMER.-Queen Elizabeth!

a This correct financial statement of ME. GILPIN's official salary has recently
been grossly parodied by Ms. MarTIN FAvnanQH TurPni, in iis ode to the
PaRIcass or DaNanix. As,however, heinthe sameode rhymes "ALEXAiNRA "
with "wanderer," and, as his" Proverbial Philoophy isa species of Dundreary
repetition of SoLoMon, the author of the ballad we quote must be content to
suffer in good company from an unscrupulous party who was not born, or fit, to
be a poeta.


49


___
~_
I









F' TJ NT. [APRIL 18, 1863.


THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.


DEAR FUN,-Returning from that seat of learning,
I will write concerning of the Regent's-park;
And, free from trammels, describe the camels,
And other mammals that need remark.
There's the cassowary, and the dromedary,
The fragrant vulture, and the small tom-tit;
There's ferocious eagles, and little beagles,
And the pleasant presence of the young pee-wit.
There are furious lions, with their tawny scions,
Who bid defiance with a warlike howl;
And I heard a rumour that a rabid puma,
With a tumid rabbit was cheek by jowl.
There's the glass vivarium-I mean aquarium
(The names they vary 'em, dash their wigs!)-
And the sea-anemone, in his Agapcmone-
As a large-sized lemon lie's scarce so big!
The ornithoryncus appeared to think us
Scarcely civil, so keen our stare;
And the polar Bruin attempted chewing
(HIo failed!) the cud, like COLENSO'S hare !
There's a sprightly tiger from the river Niger,
Whose size and vigour astonished some ;
And the rhinoceros, with other feros,
And the rumti-foozle, though he couldn't come!
The bird of Oozlcy (as old's Mbethoosly)
Was sitting boosily, and began to whine;
Long Amphisbcona stood between a
Laughing hyrona, and a porcupine !
Whilst the armadillo kicked up a shilloo,
With the boll gorilla and ourang-outang;
The wily serpent drank spirits of turpent-
Ine so profusely the welkin rang !
There were salmon-ova, and a golden plover,
And a turkey fit for a meal at Yule,
And the bearded oyster grew moister and moister,
And wis plump and pleasing, like those of Rule I


The unwieldy porpoise exposed his corpus,
And gaily wallowed with mirth and glee:
And the shrimp, sagacious and pertinacious,
And the lively lobster, were fair to see.
There were wolves and panthers, actinia-anthers,
And floral blossoms of gorgeous hue;
And, freely willing, I paid the shilling,
And of course I charge it, dear FuN, to you!


A DARK SUBJECT.
A CORRESPONDENT asks, Who is the author of 'A Dark Night's
Work?'" Don't know. We are only acquainted with one imp-
the familiar of our establishment. We have questioned him ; but,
though threatened with torture, he declares he knows nothing of
it. He says the last "dark night's work" he had a hand in was
some nights back, when, we being very busy "getting out"
our week's number, he turned the gas off at the main.
[NOTE.-Gratified at finding that the system of mnemonics
adopted by us on that occasion-the system of strokes-had been
so successful, we gave him another lesson on the spot.]


The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by Distin-
guished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the THIRD Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. Gd.
The whole of the back numbers have been reprinted, and are constantly
on sale.


rrinted Ril Piiblibted (Ctr the eptlOor-) l.; lVijai t.E W'YTiT, tkw sliM Sii, ilic.stfcr, E&1iR-Apni 19) 1si9







APRIL 25, 1863.] F N 51


THE TEETOTAL CHARGER. BY JUPITER-JUNmR
Wi have long been accus-
ANCY, Clio's beauteous child,- turned to hear actors spoken
If you're not, it's all the same!- of as sticks, but we never,
Warble now in accents mild until Tuesday, heard an
Of a harmless little game. audience described as con-
.' Of a horse with groggy knees, sisting of boards, though we
Sing, dear Fancy, if you please. have encountered whispers
to the effect that they were
SSuch a horse at Brighton did bored. The Daily Telegraph,
COLONEL CRUIKSIIANK he endorse; in describing Miss MAIhni
Bravely through the town he rid, WILTON's success in Cir-cuii-
Through the town, and to the course. stantial Efic-Deans, regales
Reader, perhaps you saw him too, us with the following Imor-
As did we, at the Review. cean:-" This very clever
7f. actress was enthusiastically
G welcomed on her first all-
S" Groggy was the noble brute, plnce on the St. James's
S As a daily paper said ; boards, and exerted herself
SBut the fault we do impute to the uttermost throughout
To his knees, and not his head. the evening to merit their
And his understanding, hence, applause." It was never our
Suffered only in one sense. fortune to see an audience
of boards, and weo certainly
-t So, sweet Fancy, let us sing never heard their applause.
u h l (All together, if you please), In fact, we don't believe
S Wllile the sober echoes ring, there was such an audience;
Of a horse with "groggy" knees, the writer of that critique
d~'/Y j But remember, Someone's daughter, must have supplied it out of
COLONEL CaLIKSIANiK'S horse drinks water, his own head.


LIEUT. (who has been caressing the cat).-Stay ; I'll wipe it.
VOLUNTEERS IN MUFTI. (Uses cat for thatpurpose amidst general hilarity. Business is resumed).
BY A BROTHER u MUFF. CAPT. H.-I say, Sergeant, who's HURRAH UPSIHEGOES?
SERG. H. (a trifle puzzled).-Sir?
ScENE.-Head-Quarters of the 101st Diddlesex, R.V. (Somewhat Irregu- (The Captain repeats his question, and the Sergeant looks over his
lars). TI E.-Between 11 a.nt., and 1 p.m. shoulder at the name).
A moderate-sized room, furnished with a great deal of light, and not
much else in the way of moveables besides dust, and situate in the SERG. H.-Oh! I know, sir! It's URIAIn UrciiER, JUN. Blost if
leading thoroughfare of Great Gun-street, S.W T. In the centre of the he don't write a bad fist!
room is a table ; on the table are several quires of paper formed in CAPT. H.-And pays about as well as he writes, it seems. Just
contiguous quarter distance columns without intervals, some capsized look him up, will you, and get his last three subscriptions paid in, if
ink slowly deploying into line, and afew quills thrown out in light you can.
skirmishing disorder. On the right flan of the table is a chair; on SERG. H.-Yes, sir; I'll try.
the left flank another ; to the proper rear of the table is afire-place; [Retires to window looking disturbed.
to the proper front offire-place, a cat.
Enter SERGEANT HAsZUWER, late of the Rifle Brigade, a small man Enter CAPTAIN STUMPOUT and ENSIGN NEVERVAYE. How d'ye do's"
with a large voice, very well set up, and very hard to set down; he circulate.
stirs up the cat and pokes the fre. CAPT. S.-I want the orders for the week; anybody got a copy ?
SERGEANT H. (humming).-" I wish I was with NANCY !"-I'm ENSIGN N.-Well, M aERRYBRICK, how's yourself after that double
blessed if I don't! Here's the fire out again, and the service going over the ploughed land at Brighton ?
to the d- 1! Just what I always told 'em--"'Ave yer 'ead-quarters LIEUT. M. (gasping).--Don't! It takes my wind to think of it.
always on the spot," I ses, and then yer'e always in the way ;" and ENSIGN N.-You heard, IHARrP, that BUSTER'S resigned ?
what does they do ? Why, they goes and has 'ead-quarters in S.W., CAPT. H.-No-why ?
and me living at Camberwell. Mao-o-ww! ENSIGN N.-Told his men he wouldn't come to drill if they wouldn't
(The latter remark was addressed to the cat, who, for the last minute, muster; men said, "they wouldn't muster unless he came to drill; "
has been disposing of her superfluous loose hairs by transferring he said, "he did;" they said, "so did they;" he said, "no, they
them, by the process of friction, to the trouser leg of the Sergeant; didn't;" they said, "no more didn't he;" general flare-up, and there
the latter now deposits a daily paper upon the table, and inspects a you are.
note or two addressed to the adjutant; presently a step is heard, and CAPT. H.-BUSTER always was a beast.
enter CAPTAIN HARDUP, h.p. Mad. Army, and Adjutant of 101st LIEUT. M. (who is senior Lieutenant).-Who'll got his company P
D.R.. He drops into a seat and opens notes. Serjeant stands at CAPT. H.-Goodness knows, I don't! Look here, you fellows,
attention.) what's 17s. 9d. and Is. lld. ?
CAPT. H.-Morning, sergeant. Anyone been ? (General pause, and everybody looks as if the question were addressed to
SERG. H.-Think not, sir. all the rest).
CAT. H.-Anyone coming ? CAPT. S.-I came about the orders for the week; anybody got a
SERG. H.-Can't say, sir. copy ?
(This beir. .,r l :.'l .r -t.:-,'. C.i-it in turns to the paper. Where- CAPT. H.-We'll make it a pound; must be deuced close there!
upon .". .. a. w... ,and watches the usual little girl ENSIGN N. (muck relieved).-That's your sort, COLENSO !
taket tsal little sip from theusual little jug of beer she is, as CAPT. H. (shutting his book).-Got through my work at last! Now,
usual, taking to her father. A row in the passage, and enter LIELUT. CAPT. lunch; don't trough my work at lcst! Now,
iERRYBRICK, whistling Libiamo." Sergeant salutes, and returns you fellows, come and lunch; don't forget finance committee on
to his work.) Wednesday next. Sergeant!
LIEUT. M.-Hulo, HARDUP, thought I should catch yon! Not very SERG. I.-Sir ?
busy, are you, for I want a chat ? CAPT. II.-If anyone calls, say you're surprised at 'em, and tlhy'd
CAPT. H.-Well, you know, my dear fellow, the service must be better call again. [Exeunr ones, except Sergeant and cat.
attended to, and just look at this pile of notes. Anything after I'm free!
(The Captain'disposes '. '~ i., ." i tr ... .. sundry accounts
entered in a ledger and tiwo pocket-books.) A SHARP REPILY.-First party :-" You'll come to the gallows some
CAPT. H. (in sudden disgust).-Confound this ink! Sergeant, look, day." Second-or addressed-parly:-"Y'es; the morning you're
here's a mess! hanged!"


VOL. IV.







[APRIL 25, 1863.


52 FULT-.


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.

Communnicated by a Member of the Arch-l--c-l Society.


CHARMING CROSS.
DIrFERENT people has diffTrent opinions," as the criminal remarked
to the executioner, who was trying to persuade him that hanging was
rather nice than otherwise; and equally so opinions differ on the
mlerivation of the word I I.,, ,,_-. Some there are who assert that it
rose from the fact of the inhabitants of the village being the original
mundelcrs of the British band of charwomen, and hence the place was
christened after the occupation of the people, which was charming;
while others again assume it to come from chrie rcine, or dear queen,
allunlingl to QUEEN ELEArNR, and to judge from the money which she
cost her ihusbaldi, EDvw\R I., after her death, she must have proved
unmroinnmoly dear to him. Her body was brought from Lincolnshire
to Westminster, and at each place where the procession rested across
was erected, Charing-cross being the last. The only objection to this
practical derivation is, that the village of Charing existed before the
death of QV(2El. ELE'ANOs, consequently we can hardly receive the
name as part of that lady's remains. The cross was put up in 1294,
and was first built of wood, but afterwards of stone; it was of an
octagonal form, so that, like the defunct queen's virtues, it was
many-sided. Eight figures decorated it, but as time has subtracted
these figures, together with the cross itself, for all we know to the
contrary at the present day, they may have been only figures of
speech.
In 1 (313 the Long Parliament, who, in matters artistic, seem to have
hal blu a short allowance of taste, voted the demolition of this and
tie other crosses, but the vote was not carried into execution until
1617, so for the destruction of this captivating cross parliament was
ftur years kept a vaiting, when it was at last pulled down, and the
stones nsed to pave Whitehall, so that the visitors and dwellers there
walked very much upon the cross. On its site, in 1660, the regicides
wore executed-gentlemen who, having been the cause of the extremely
cutting treatment adopted towards CHARLES I., were themselves in
tura kept in a state of considerable suspense by his son.
The statue of CIHAr.Es I. was the earliest specimen of the equestrian
statue in Lonlon, which perhaps may account for the very horse-tere
expression of the rider. It is also thie best; artistic beauty in the
Loindon statues being as rare as a pig in a private box. It was cast,


in 1633, for the EARL OF ARUNDEL by HUBERT LE S(EUR, who was, of
course, considered a sure man; but it was not erected. At the com-
mencement of the civil war, the Parliament, remembering how often
it had been sold by the promises of the king, in revenge sold his statue
to one JOHN RIVETT, a brazier, giving strict orders that it should be
broken up, and he had a carte blanche to cart it off. Being a worker
in brass, he was naturally well provided both materially and mentally
with that useful metal, and, instead of obeying the orders he had
received, he buried it in a very deep manner in his garden, with the
intention, that when the popular mind turned up Republicanism, he,
J. R., would then turn up the statue. To prevent suspicion he produced
some fragments of metal which he averred to be the metallic remains
of KING CHARLES. This action of MR. RIVETT was dictated less by
loyalty than by a spirit of sound commercial enterprise, which showed
that he well deserved his name, for he closed with the main chance
whenever opportunity offered. As a proof of this he cast a number
of handles for knives and forks, which he sold as made from the
statue; these were eagerly bought up by both parties, and afford
handles at the present day to doubt the disinterested loyalty of the
brazier. In the meantime the statue remained in his garden, in a
decided state of state quo, until the Restoration, when it was claimed
by the EARL or PORTLAND, much to the disgust of RIVETT, who
probably thought that, having given the statue a hiding in the time
of adversity, he now deserved a substantial reward for bringing it up.
The result was, that it was not until 1674 that KING CHARLES I., like
an expectant place-hunter, obtained a public situation, which, how-
ever, he has retained until the present day. When our present
gracious sovereign went into the city to open the Royal Exchange,
soine miscreant clambered on to the statue and stole the sword, and
immediately cut away with it through the crowd : whenwe, however,
reflect that CHARLES'S sword practice ultimately led to his parting with
his head a little lower down the street, the loss of the weapon in the
statue is not so much to be regretted.
Charing-cross of to-day is principally remarkable as an omnibus-
station, from whence a conveyance may be obtained to nearly every
part of London, and we beg to call the attention of our lady readers
to one singular fact in connexion with it, for there even the most
modest of the female sex may, if so disposed, take a bus.


A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE.
WHEN mighty roast beef was an Englishman's food,
It was that sort of dish which no working man could
Obtain for a dinner substantial and good,
Without, in the coin of old England,
Paying dear for his English roast beef.
But a capital plan has at Glasgow been tried,
To see if for pence they good beef can provide,
And the scheme pays so well that they profits divide
In a way that will answer in England,
To competent judges' belief.
There a man for three-halfpence can have in a trice,
A ration of meat cooked uncommonly nice,
And for three large potatoes a penny's the price,
Which all can be done here in England,
Without the place going to grief.
A basin of broth, hot potatoes, that come
With a plateful of beef, and a large slice of plum-
Pudding, and then fourpence-halfpenny's the sum
You pay in the coin of old England,
To the head Scottish waiter-in-chief.
A large cup of coffee, with milk in galore,
And four ounces of bread that are well buttered o'er,
You may have; and for what ? why, for twopence-no more,
To be done quite as cheaply in England,
To many a pocket's relief.
That a tariff like this brings a profit is true,
And a similar thing here in London will do,
Which, supporting the workman, supports itself, too;
So who sells the best beef in all England,
Will soon find a demand for his beef.


A NOTE TOR THE VOLUNTEERS.-It is not strictly correct to describe
the Easter Monday review at Brighton as a Fight Sham-petre."
THE GAME OF WAR.-Naughts and crosses,-the former representing
prize-money.








APRIL 25, 1863.]


FUN. I


oI,


THE COMIC ENCYCLOPAEDIA
01O FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
--i AGICIAN.-In modern days a gen-
tleman let out for the evening to
entertain juvenile parties, and who
begs you to observe that this is
"a begg," or solicits somebody to
S "lend him a gnat;" in illustration
ee of the recondite laws of leger-
Sdomain, making his aspirates dis-
appear from the places where they
ought to be, and re-appear in the
places where they were never ex-
S pected, exactly after the fashion
With which he manipulates his bor-
rowed handkerchiefs and half-
crowns. The ancient magician
was, however, not addicted to this
kind of professional eggs-hatchera-
tion, and professed always -to de-
rive his aid from super-gnatural
resources. The magician in early
times was supposed to be on
familiar terms with demons who
enabled him to perform his de-
monstrations, but although keep-
ing this low society, the professor
of the black art took special care
to maintain a good position in his own particular circle. Modern
philosophers have regarded this position as an imp-position, and that
those persons of a lively imagination, who fancied they saw phantom
lions and spectral tigers breaking into the charmed circle, merely per-
ceived an unusual exuberance of animal spirits. The most perplexing
question -raised in connexion with the existence of the black art of
the present day is, not now what the necromancer can do with others,
but what others can do with the negro man, sir.
MAGISTRATE.-One who administers the law as he finds it, and
whose duty it is to carefdilly examine all the offenders fined too.
Though occupying a high official position, the magistrate is being
daily reminded that society places the worst of its members before
him.
MAN.-The proper study of mankind. Fathers should pay the
strictest attention to their great sons and their less sons together.
At the age of man the youth is supposed to man-age himself. The
age of man upon the earth has given rise to considerable discussion
lately, the geological question exciting the greatest interest in those
who advocate the glacier theory, and distinctly see the drift of it.
From the evidence of the ground rent in various parts, it is conceded
that man must have occupied his present habitation from a very
remote period, the earth coming to another settlement every thousand
years or so. "I'll take the Globe when you have quite done with it,"
must have been said by man to the mastodon long before the various
strata furnished the latest in formation. In zoology man is justly
ranked as the head of the animal part of creation, and those who
stand on their head thus vindicate the true dignity of man's position.
The very nature of his skin would suffice to show that the nature of
his kin to the gorilla is not that of a progeny to a parent. What is
apparent to all is ape hair a'nt to anybody.
MAARRIAGE.-A conjunction which may be "and" or "but," accord-
ing to the nature of the matrimonial sentence. Marriage is the
great wager of life, in which the odds are very great, but two to one
is usually the offer made, and the wife has come thus to be recognized
as the better half. When a match is made, the two individuals who
are called upon to surrender so much of their personal liberty are
said to be contracted, which means that they are not expected to be
so much at largo as before. With two of congenial tastes and
sympathies the tie is so little felt that we may be always sure the
felicity of the wedded pair is doubled when they wear their bonds
lightly, and acknowledge they scarcely come to feel is a tie between
them. In the happiest state of marriage the wife is to be regarded
as the loadstone that makes home attractive; in the more wretched
condition of connubialism the husband regards her as one who is
only a maggin it" whenever he returns.



A MOTTO FOR THE LOAN OFFICES.-" Leave 'em a-lone!" And
if people only attended to this advice they would save their half-
sovereigns and half-crowns.


ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTlt1LLOGI.CAL NO'IICI.S.
LEo, the lion, is not the morning star. The confusion has arisen from
the fact of his being a roarer.
SSemidicameter of the Son.-When your offspring takes to drinking
half-and-half in n unbcrable manner.
Telescopes are remarkably simple things ; any one can see through
them. In company they can also be easily drawn out, when, should
their reflections be at all unpleasant, very little exertion will cause
them to shut up.
The Moon, not having paid her rent, is on the look out for fresh
quarters.


S 19


M 20

Tu 21


Tu 23


APRIL.
Sermon on behalf of the Light Porters' Association, when
the speaker will be quite carried away with tli weight
of his discourse.
Eye water at London-bridge, caused by the Lonl MAnl o
weeping over his own corporation.
II BflODoErINo.--His finances are in a better condition.
At this moment a minion in the form of a policoi'nun
observes him gazing on the hateful scene, and in i,
voice of thunder asks him wliat---lis remark was
perfectly inaudible, so we must postpone his question
until next week.
"Tell me where is FuN-cy bred." New song published
this day at 80, Fleet-street, and to be had overywlere
and by everybody.
Grand Festival of Hibernian Donkeys. The chair to Ib
taken by the O'DosNoGuE, assisted by the Covo of
Cork.
Grand exhibition of flags of all nations, including the tings
of the pavement; also the union-jack, the meat-jack,
the boot-jack, together with several jacks in oflico.
Grand Review of the Inns of Court Volunteers. They
will be commanded by the old gentleman with a must
imp-osing staff.


THE GARDEN.
A Plant we all Misusc.-Time.
Stocks.-Keep your garden well stocked with those plants; if not,
satisfied, plant all the stockings you can lind ; stand stock still, anl
then go to Stockton-on-Tccs.
The Tree for the Dressinq-room.-The boot-tree.
Catch a crow; enrage hili ; if possible make him swear at you.
By following these directions you may obtain a crowcus.
Flowers of the Huntling-field.-Pinks.
How to Keep your Nectarines.-Count then, and promise each of
your sons a sound thrashing for every one that disappears. You will
be astonished at the number left on the tree.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Pimply-face.-Sheepeio Africanus is not the La'in for a 1:h c': shel p;
and P. has no right to feel insulted whcn, (n asking which is hIm
best pronouncing dictionary, he receives as answer WALKEV."
Our friend from Timbuctoo is mistaken. Short Commons is not the
term applied to those of our elected legislators who are under 5ft. (in.
TWhackumn.-EDwA'Ir I. called his son the PRINCE or WALES to remind
the Welsh of the thrashing he'd given them.
Junius Brutus Smrngs wants to know in what relation PlINCl NAVmr,,:oiN
stands to the rest of the senators --Why, how's their princy-pal, of
course.

A QUESTIONABLE STATEMENT.
Lord Dundreary appears already to have infected the minds of the
Liverpool people with his peculiar methods of thought amd diction.
We cut the following extraordinary advertisement out of a Liverpool
paper:-
"M' Jons BYWATER, cotton waslo merchle t, n.. 1 *.. .1 .l..1. r in lthi
town, hns jlst received the sum of Jl200,001, after .. I ,. i.--i '*1. question
for above fifty years."
Who would not be a "disputable question" (whatever profession
that may be) for above fifty years, if ho had a chance of 200,000 at
the end of that period ? We compliment Mu. JOHN Ih'WATErIo, D.Q.,
on his windfall, and shall feel much obliged if Ihe will tell us wlht
question he was for the period named, and who, if any, did dispute
him.


I ___


I


P _U








5', FUN.


A STREET JDIAL.OG-TUTE.

First Dustman :-YEAR'D 'IM SAY, EIGHT T OF UIMAN BLISS." WHAT SHOULD YOW SAY THAT WERE, NOW?
SecondDitto:-A PINT o' BEER IN CLEAN PEWTER, I SHOULD SAY IT WERE.


SENSATION.
A Drama in Three Acts, founded upon several Novels of the same Title.
ACT 1.-SCENE-Clerkenwell.
Enter Lady Disorderly.
Lady D. Alone at last. Now, at least, I can be happy. (Takes
out pocket-flask and tumbler from her reticule, draws water from the
iell, and mixes.) Ha! this is excellent.
Enter three tall boys in charity costume. Lady Disorderly throws them
all into the well.
Lady D. Saved, saved Thus shall my secret be preserved!
Enter M'Swell, a Highland chieftain.
M'S. Nay, for I have witnessed all, while gathering clans and other
wild flowers in yonder meadow. I grant but one condition. Be
mine-mine for over; or to the world will I publish--
Enter BOUCICAULT.
Bouc. Hold! not so! This is copyright.
[Exit M'Swell into Chancery. Bouc. rushes off to fetch ten per cent.
ACT 2.
Enter Lady Disorderly and Aurora.
Aur. Only two as yet. See, I wear both the rings.
Lady D. And so do I. [Exhibits also two wedding-rings.
M'Swell (listening). Ha! ha! then they shall both be mine. "Hey
for the bonnets"--But soft, who comes ?
Enter Softy.
Softy (solemnly). The 1400 shares of Drury Lane Theatre. . .
Verbum Sap. As for my thirty thousand pounds--


Bouc. Lay 'em out on the moonbeams.
[Emit Softy with that object.
Lady D. ia! ha! At last I am avenged!
[A1pplies quick match to M'Swell, who explodes.
ACT. 3.
ScENE.-Interior of a boarding-school. Several young ladies reading
novels. Schoolmistress listening.
1st Y. L. Oh! how nice it must be to be a heroine! How much
better than this dull, dreary existence! Ha! a thought strikes me-
Yes! I will! I will!
2nd Y. L. Will'what ?
1st Y. L. Commit bigamy !
3rd Y. L. That is indeed a happy thought. Let us all do so.
All. We will! we will! [They rush out and marry accordingly.
Schoolmistress (advancing). Innocent hearts! I cannot blame them,
for I too was young once. (Weeps.) And now I also will become a
bigamist. (Attempts to do so, but fails.)
Enter Lady Disorderly and Aurora.
Lady D. But hast thou slain him, Roary dear ?
Aur. Not yet-that is, not quite; but I have been accused of
having done so.
Lady D. Silly trifler I have not been accused, and yet I have-
Ha what is this ? ? T,.
Enter three tall boys with black masks.
Tallest Boy. Ha! you little thought the well communicated with
the base of an old chimbly. We climbed it and escaped. Behold us!
Tremble, miscreant! (They dance around her, and she goes raving
mad as the curtain falls.)







]F 1U IN.-APRIL 25, 1863.


-N


THE EAGLE AND THE BEAR.


RuBssia:-"PRETTY POLEYI PRETTY POLEY! COME BACK TO ITS LOVING
FATHER, AND IT SAL BE FORGIVEN, IT SAL!"


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FUNL'f.


APRIL 25, 1863.]


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 33.-LORD CLARENCE EDWARD PAGET.
IT is as plain to see as A. B. C. that LoRD C. PAGET must be a son
of the sea; and, being an Englishman, of course of Angle-sey.
"Which," to quote from that eminent authority, MRs. BROWN, which
She were-and likewise of the first marquis as got shot at Waterloo,
not bein' the murder of that bridge, and leaving' a legacy to a bereaved
people, by havin' his foot shot off, and diggin' a hole on the very spot,
and a-puttin' of his foot in it."
Loan CLARENCE was born in eighteen hundred and eleven. It is to
be hoped that that eleven will make him a long stop, for we should be
sorry to see him stumped out early. Ho plays a plucky game, and
we hope stands less chance of being bailed out" than the iron
vessels he has to sanction.
As it was intended that LORD CLARENCE should run the risk of
drowning in a salter liquor than Malmsey, he was sent on board ship
as a middy, which, though only a middy-ling post, he seems to have
accepted with pleasure. His education appears to have been based
on the old proverb that sea-ing is knowing." He therefore imbibed
an ocean that a man-of-war was a good "boarding "-school, and was
present at the battle of Navarino. We will hope that prize-money
was better managed in those days than it is now, and that rhino was
the immediate end of Navarino. If it were fought now, it would per-
haps better deserve the name of Not-have-a-rhino. On this occasion
he was officer of the Asia, but he never appears to have become
"Admiral of the Blue."
In 1839 he was made a captain of the R. N. for his N-R-gy. He
had two years previously contested Southampton, but failed, some
one else being sent to Parliament to represent the Southampton
Base-'un-a position not quite desirable for so honest a sailor as LORD
CLARENCE-a tar so honest that he has touched the pitch of Parlia-
ment without being defiled, although to be sure a feeble-minded
lordling has recently tried to bespatter him with some of the produc-
-tions of his lordship's own brains-mud, to wit-if wit may be
applied even in this complimentary sense to his aristocratic mind.
In 1846 LORD CLARENCE was appointed Secretary to the Master-
General of Ordnance," a position for which WHITWORTH and ARnr-
STRONG are now striving. To this post he stuck firm until 1853, about
which time the Ordnance was let off altogether, in consequence of a
report.
In 1847 he was elected for Sandwich, and had his bread buttered
on both sides, which was no more than he deserved. He sat for
Sandwich until '52, and was again returned for it in '57. With un-
common abstemiousness for a sailor, he is still content to take merely
a Sandwich, when he might have some very superior port.
In 1854 he commanded the Princess Royal, a vessel of ninety-one
guns, and proceeded with her to the Baltic. The next year he was
nominated for a good-service pension, which, however, must have been
for services parliamentary and prospective, rather than polemical and
present. In 1856 he was appointed a C.B., apparently for the reason
that he had B'n to C. He was made Secretary for the Admiralty in
1859, a post which he fills admiral-ably well.
In politics LORD CLARENCE is a Liberal, but his liberality has
hitherto spent itself on old jobs. Let us hope that he will soon learn
to be a more judicious purse-er.
His speeches are jolly, rollicking speeches, which remind an old
playgoer as much of T. P. COOKE as M.P. PAGET. If they are not
framed in the highest way, they smack at times of a High-way-that
of Ratcliffe.
One good point in LORD CLARENCE'S favour is the unbounded good
temper with which he has borne the self-laudatory twaddle of that
misguided person, PAKINGTON, who cackles over his poor, wretched
wooden fleet as if he had contributed the materials out of his own
head. The kind manner in which LORD CLARENCE PAGET not only
suffers, but even soothes, this fretful and ill-advised old body merits
the highest praise.
We hope LORD CLARENCE-a true sailor to the back-bone-will long
keep his seat for Sandwich, in spite of contested elections. Whatever
feeling may be bred on either side, we hope both will meet half-way to
ensure his election for a Sandwich, which, even in these corrupt days,
cannot be obtained (with a glass of Burton ale) for less than fourpence.


"VERY HARD CAsH."-The coinage of CHARLES READE's brain.
It may be found in the current number of All the Year Round.
MOTTO FOR ADVOCATES OF DIRECT TAXATION.-" No remission except
on business."
To THE MANNA BORN.-An apothecary.


CORRESPONDENCE.
""--- 0 SInuoiin: RliSAY Sur, Sertin
coves sitting at the lluck and
lloyster pnls all of us is wery sory
to see as how youvo bin and dis-
grazed yvrsolf most Compleat ycr
ave indeed si11alOG;. YOr evre libiu
a loctkinl h11 a pore cove wich is a
ticketerlevo wots ad the misfortin
to ave is tempur irritated by a
low party it a Iltnflee. Youn ave
rcekalled is ticklt, r'ove in conse-
kicns and the pore oove whichh lo's
no find of mine Suilinoilt not he)
as got to Wurk Ilout the romandur
of is Sentens. Now a tike,trlcres au
ticketcrlerv SUiHJOoGE. Youvo bin
behaving remarkabel ansum by 11 us
pore fellers you ave SIIiJOnie dero
nsur, and No mistake and eros your
Jolygoodolth, but Look you ear
S wen it, como sto looking h1up a covo
S for the Unperspired turn of is
sentens, all Along of is thretnin to
linnltch the ed of a 10 fellor wIts
Sniurt is Phelils wiy 5suoIIJO1 E you
Goes To Farr. So mindl your ]li
.- dero siur, and this is the hlumblo
advise of your portikler good frond
(wile condick satisfactory BIr sIKS.
P.S.-Arky SURJORGE you likes a Jokowel I wos a tollin lL,L i.LOAiK
hall about this Ear and o ses to mo sozoo Wots hall this about ticket-
erleves ? A ticketerlovo haint a gnin to stash priggin wile thers a
ticker to leave in a cove's pocket. Tickers a Wotch as in corse you
nose SURJORGE.


SIR GEORGE CORNEWALL LEWIS.
DIED 13TIM APRIL, 1863.
OUTRAM, of honest brow
And kindly searching eye and resolute lip I
Death's hand but late thou took'st in friendly grip;
And LEWIS now !
Con we again the text
How man that looks for life beholds a shlndo
And now he dies, and now lie is but made."
Who next ? who next ?
O ever-busy brain,
That bent so lightly to its constant toil!
That seemed to rest when in the heat and coil,
And strength to gain
From each new task o'erstepped !
So gently strong, so calm in thy deep strength,
No end thou strov'st for but was thino at length,
And grasped, and kept.
Harmless the sneers and girds
Of all the flippant, shallow, talking crew.
Well-weighed thy reasons, though thy words were few,
Against their words.
Climbed is the hill's high crest;
The race is ended and the crown is won.
Bravely and well, great heart, thy work was done;
Then take thy rest!


GO A-IIEAD I
WE fancy the head of the writer of the following sentence,
describing an accident which happened to- a servant girl in
Vienna, has never come in contact with the force of language :-
"Her head came in contact with great force against the pavement, thereby
driving the teeth of a conmb which fastened up her hair so deeply into her head
that death ensued very shortly."
We wonder what the great force was. Was it the police force,
and what was it doing against the pavement ?


~I_


---- ~







FU _N.


[APRIL 25, 1863.


-~ ,


COLENSO'S SCHOOL EUCLID.
Rugbcian with Imposition: -" I SAY, TrHOMPsoN, I WISH OLD COLENSO WOULD DENY THE
FIRST FIVE BOOKS OF HIS BEASTLY EUCLID."
Rugbeian with Football:-" AiH! MY LAD, AND THEN IF THE DOCTOR AND THOSE CAMBRIDGE
DONS WOULD CHAW UP ALL TIE REST IN SOME MORE ESSAYS AND REVIEWS, BLESSED IF
THERE'D BE ANY TO LEARN. STUNNING!"


A SONG ABOUT CENTRALIZATION.
LET'S tightly stick to what we've got, the city magnate's cry,
Amalgamation's not the cheese, in fact it's all my eye;
We're snug enough just as we are, to change would be absurd,
We cannot flock with DICKY MAYNE, or any other bird.
Then why all this fuss
About a thing so clear ?
For though you swear and cuss,
We'll never lend an ear.
Wherefore shut your tater-traps, and drop so vain a thought,
We'll always cut the t'other force, though perhaps we didn't ought.
At present we're a jolly band, and do things neathh the ROSE "
His lordship he's a brick, indeed, as everybody knows-
And if the metropolitan could shove its finger in,
To be a city peeler, sir, would not be worth a pin.
Then do hold your noise,
And leave us all alone,
For we're a set of boys
Who'll stickle for the bone.
Wherefore shut your tater-traps, and drop so vain a thought,
We'll always cut the t'other force, though perhaps we didn't ought.


SOMETHING AT LAST.
NEWS from Baltimore A Federal success I
Important capture of rebel property Yes,
sirree!
The tide has turned; and those Secession
seizures of Northern cannon, Northern horses,
Northern baggage, and Northern ammuni.
tion, which appeared to be the necessary
consequence of every Northern attempt to
inflict chastisement on Southern indepen.
dence, will be heard of no more. Confede.
rates must now be prepared to suffer as
their enemies have suffered. Reprisals on
an astounding scale have already begun.
The- first will, by the encouragement it
affords to Federal vigilance and pluck, in-
evitably lead to many of the same kind. On
the 30th of March, the Provost Marshal's
officer at Baltimore seized a carpet-bag of
extraordinary dimensions. It contained
packages addressed to several persons in
Richmond; and, among the miscellaneous
treasure, we are told by the dispatch pub.
listed in the New York and Washington
papers, "A splendid pair of boots for JEFF.
DAVIS, and two fine linen night-gowns,
elaborately embroidered, a present for MRns.
JEFF. DAVIS from some feminine rebels, were
found." The account states in continuation
that "somebody"-whose luggage this was
not-has suggested the presentation of the
captured night-gowns to MiR. LINcoLN.
The brilliancy and good taste of this idea
may suggest appropriate ways of bestowing
property which shall henceforth be wrested
from the rebels. The night-gowns being
disposed of, very rightly, as a gift to Mas.
LINCOLN, we may hope that night-caps will
be found in the next carpet-bag or paper.
parcel captured by the Federal forces. If
so, the articles in question will, of course,
be sent to the general in command, who, if
too modest to retain them for his own use,
will naturally forward them to PRESIDENT
ABRAHAM LINCOLN.


AN EPIGRAM FOUNDED ON FACT.
THE new member for Stoke-upon-Trent,
When he'd given his feelings their vent,
Sat down on his tile,
Which, provoking a smile,
Produced an effect he'd not meant.


But bobbies say they're half afraid the days are now gone by
When city p'licemen helped themselves to bottled stout and pie;
Concerning area matters, DICK is very 'cute indeed,
And if he had his way no doubt all cooks would run to seed.
Then please to consider
How frightful it would be,
If each cook were a "widder"
By cruel destiny.
Good people shut your tater-traps, and drop so vain a thought,
We'll always cut the t'other force, though perhaps we didn't ought.
Then matters must be settled thus-'twould never, never do,
To roll in one two bodies which have heretofore made two;
We've rights within our city bounds which no one should infringe,
And if those rights were broken down wouldd chuck us off the hinge.
Come, let the matter rest,
And leave us as we are;
For present things are best,
Ay, best by very far.
Wherefore shut your tater-traps, and drop so vain a thought,
We'll always cut the t'other force, though perhaps we didn't ought.


A NORTHERN LIGHT.-DR. RAE.


----







APRIL 25, 1S,.] I U iN..


MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT.
THE vacation is o'er,
And the House meets once more,
The juvenile PREMIER again takes the floor;
Having spouted of late all the Latin and Greek ho
E'er knew (though his scholarship's now growing creaky),
And returned to St. Stephen's again from Auld Reekie.
His progress to paint through the towns in the north,
Would require a great artist-somo FmRIT of the Forth,
So FUN will not put forth his powers the trial in,
Being sure that how "none with our PREMIER can match,"
And how "certain he is to come up to the scratch."
Scotland's muse will well sing on her national violin,
Alas! in this world of fond hopes and vain labours,
That Sorrow and Joy should be always near neighbours,
The dirges break in on the pipes and the tabors;
Of that PAM'S been reminded of late, for we know,
Coming back from his airing, he met with a blow;
And of fdtes, with an e," when the North had no more for him,
Learnt too soon what the fates, with an "a," had in store for him,
In the loss of a tried
And true friend from his side,
SIR GEORGE CORNEWALL LEWIS, who recently died.
Silence the jester's jangling bells
The while, in graver, slower rhymes,
Of England's heavy loss he tells:
One of the great ones of our times,
Loved by his friends, revered by those
Who his opponents were-not foes.
He was a man of solid worth,
Calm, clear, dispassionate, and wise,
Above mean jealousies of earth,
And keeping truth before his eyes;
A statesman on the grand old plan-
Ripe scholar, and true gentleman!
From sorrow to mirth,
From death unto birth,
As we stated before, is the way of the earth,
So we turn to the news of the little princess, her
Of whom PRINCEss ALICE is mother-God bless her!
We are happy to tell
They are both doing well,
And will soon (as was settled before the child was born)
Remove to the maritime villa at Osborne.
Well, FUN has much pleasure in brimming a chalice,
And drinking the health of his favourite ALICE,
And the "sweet little stranger" arrived at the palace.
In America, mad civil war never ceases,
And there's no chance of peace, though the Union's in pieces.
Northern statesmen (!) are urging destruction and plunder,
Northern parsons (!) are preaching up "bloodshed, by thunder!"
But the South does not show any signs of "knock-under."
Poor PRESIDENT LINCOLN,
On coming to think on
Affairs, must perceive 'tis a terrible blunder
To try and coerce those the heavens thrust asunder.
FUN cannot help hinting he think it a pity, folks
Will lose their tempers like some of the city folks ;
Who appear half-inclined for a breach of the peace,
Because fault is found with the city police.
The MAYOR and the Council,
Have taken to bounce ill,
Indulging in words that should cost them five shillings,
And smack of the smacks off the gate that's called Billing's;
In short they are mingling, regardless of culture,
With their "love of the turtle" the "rage of the vulture."
Let us hope before long
They'll get over this wrong,
Which, they say, so immense is (or that their pretence is),
It incenses them all till they're out of their senses.
Well, we wish a return of good sense to the aldermen,
(Young lads may be hare-brained-not older and balder men);
And soon may his worship, recovering his wits,
Be a lord among lords, and a cit among cits.
Meanwhile let them learn that police, it is plain,
Should be under the rule, not of might, but of MAYNE.


LITERARY.
.1 DAY or two a'go w snipped the
following exiranet from a loaler
which appeared ill tilt olumnls of
the t('orn ..:.change' -we do not
allude to the coluiiins thliat support
h'i the building, but the columns that.
support the paper of that nnirue.
The subject of tile article is Loiin
S ? PA.\LMrIRSTON's recent visit to Scot-
land, and his address to certain
students on matters connected with
education.
"There is i vast difference between a
mnll who is merely a love r I' liis countryli
u and tlnt ono which is a typo of its
Srnrirl il rhalnitelr, nnsl its honour.
I I i. 1 i cnse, wc ileni ol' wbosIo
actions, whether iat holme or clironicledl
nliroiid, iillorit a p1hiotgrniiph of the heart.
sliind stability of a nlltion.
We congratulate tihe Corn E'r-
clianger on its editor. We should
like to know his salary, and any
furt her particulars about hiim which
lhe may fiol inclined to furnisl, in-
cluding his birth and parentage, anld
also the soat of learning that clainis
.s tho distinction of having educated
him. An obliging friend has favoured us with his carto dte visited,
which we produce.


TIHE PRESENT CRISIS.
IN consequence of the American war, and the inactive state of the
Lancashire operatives, the clerk of the weather lias increased the
price of his commodities. Sheet lightning has become so dear, that
the only amount he is compelled to fork out will be visible. Linings
for clouds have risen, and the curtain of night has reached an unpro-
ccdonted height. The coatings for lakes, ponds, etc., have quite gone
out of season ; while the scarceness of frosty coverings is not to be
wondered at. Wool having reached a very high figure, floeey clouds
have also risen. Bed-linen has become so dear that garden bods have
gone to grass, and day-shirts lave so increased in prico that night-
shirts aro worn constantly, whereby a great saving is effected. In a
generally commercial point of view so many will not drop in for what
is duo to them, that the weather directors state that no more dow will
be dropped at present. And from the depredations of the Alabama,
there has been so much missed, that, clearly, there can be no moro
mist till present days have had their reign.


THERE'S THIE IDEA.
To meet a fellow who thinks he las hit a blot is no novelty, but to
encounter a party who, not content with hugging the imagined dis.
cover, gets on to the popular dunghill and crows till all is blue, is an
exquisite adventure. Lord Dundrcary, as usual in such matters, leads
the van : -
THE, LORD DUNDREARY EQUILIBRIUM CIAIR.--Extremely comfort-
I able, good, and very cheap. Thero's the idea.
There's the idea! Is it, really ? What a remarkably clover follow
I am! is the exclamation which we might expect to follow. But our
advertiser has evidently the notion that if he says that there is an
idea somewhere, everybody will at once admit it. Whero it is, in the
present case, the advertiser's patron lord may possibly endeavour to
"find out."


A "LIGHT FROM NOT LIGHTING."-The papers toll us that the
PRINCE and PRINCESS OF WALES have been lately to see the ruins
of Rising Castle. For our own parts, we should say that Fallinlg
Castle would be a more appropriate term to use.
A SLIGHT CORRECTION.-TIn the poorer districts of tho metropolis
the houses have been declared to bo very far behind the ago. "Only a
yard behind," is the report of our own inspector.
STRANGE, BUT TRUE.-The earli s' intelligence is got by the latest
telegram.
OUR EPITAPH ON THE LATE SECRETARY OF WAH.--" Requiocat in
pace."







p CU UTJ N[APR.IL 25, Isc3.


-\ -',/1- -, ... j I, I i


A SITAL rSPEARcIAcIT. TeEADI1TGr-

(From our French Special Correspondent)


WILLIAMS !
Bard sombre and mysterious, of the bowed front, of the eyes
large, limpid, and sweet, full of a melancholy poetic and estrange, of
a regard expressing the indiciblo, accusing the infinite !
I rendered myself-there are some days-at the Shakspearian
evenings of MISTRIS FAIINIKEIMBLE. She is one of the stock of historic
histrions. Her cousin, JONKEMBLE, contemporary of GARBAGE and
BURUICK, was a farcer of the most diverting; and his mother, MISTRIS
SARAI SITDowNS, agile, pretty, and provoking, was of the "singing
chambermaids" of her epoch.
Nobility obliges! and a good dog chases by race.
Thlro are advantages also in pure blood.
Let us resume.
I found myself in a saloon, brilliantly eclariated by the gas, its four
walls covered with pictures of the most researched-for; and the
audience-my faith !-the audience, it was superb !
The stately swell" (eld gant) in toilette of the evening, well-
bearded, tawny like the lions of Numidia, monotonous, sombre, arid
as the sands of her desert-sat elbow to elbow with the blonde
" moose," of whom the regard, sweet as a smile of the dawn through
the enmbalny foliage, accused silent depths of affection mysterious
and profound. I directed a wink of my eye at one of these damsels.
She did not comprehend my devotion. Insular stupidity !
Artists-the black-bearded and handsome children of Hibernia;
literators, worn and haggard with the devouring emotions of the
Bohemian life, so insatiable in its thirst for pleasure-these also
awaited the rcaderess.
She arrives ; she seats herself; she reads.
The play is one of the masterpieces of WILLIAMS. It is the ocrry
Wires of TVind Sir John Falsetoffe. Behold hero its analysis, its
resumption. The characters:-
Two dames, ripe, mature, full of good humour-for the rest, true
wives.
Two burgesses, Foard and Page-one jealous, exacting; the other
tractable, unsuspicious.


Justices of the peace, hostesses, pages.
Annpaigo, lovely as the dew of the morning in the rays of the sun
of spring.
Lord Sir John Falsetoffe, old libertine, corpulent, witty-creation
extraordinary of the Britannic humour.
For the scene, it is in Windsor, near the castellated palace built by
INIGO WREN for RICHARD RUPUS, who died of a surfeit, occasioned
by eating lampreys out of season. Melancholy tradition of the middle
age!
Intrigue, complication, mystery! One enters, one goes out. One
writes letters; one is placed in a basket" used for bucks (elegants
gandins); one is jetted into the Tamise; one dies not; one disguises
himself in old woman; one is chastised at strokes of the stick; one
is waylaid, intrigued at the Mystic Hoax, by Erne the Unter!
What fecundity of invention, large and liberal as the undulating
waves of the sea, spread out towards a horizon without limit under
the golden sun of July! Also, what delicacy, what finesse What
wild humour I
Let us pause.
MisTals FAHNIKEMDBLE, is it that she renders this conception in true
artist ? Yes, certes; her physical means are rare; also as rare is her
intelligence, lively, devoted, sympathetic.
The audience, appreciated they it? They want effusion, these well-
bred ones of the London saloons. Their gelid and glacial clime seems
to refreeze their enthusiasm. Nevertheless they often smiled-some
even laughed. As for me, I outcried," Bravo, Mistris! but my friend
SMEETH (himself of London) told me to hush myself.
So soon as the fair readeress had retired amidst applausements
decided, I promenaded myself to a caf6 with music. After all, this
sublime old WILLIAMS there is sombre!
I clasp thy hand fraternally. To very soon! JEAN GODIN.

The whole of the back numbers of FUN have been reprinted, and are
constantly on sale.


Printed and Pablished (for the Proprietors) by CH-IRLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Flect-street, E.C.-April25, 1863.









MAY 2, 1863.]


F T N. .1


to LC ENrS E b
to S ell B c e S -irA3 %(p`-


THE TIPPLE ALLIANCE.


THE PATRICIAN PUBLICAN.
THE British noble's clubs of yore
Were cluster'd near Pall Mall;
And there they drank their rare old port,
Or sparkling bright Moselle.
Oh i never came exciseman there,
Or peeler from his beat,
To warn the gambling denizens
'Twas time to beat retreat.
The narrow laws, their native land
Enforced on humbler roof,
And drove its plebeian inmates forth,
From club haunts kept aloof.
E'en though, when gloriously screw'd,
Their midnight revels scar'd
All sober folks, with other sots
They never "lock up shar'd.
But GLADSTONE'S glistening, snaky eye,
Has mark'd their privilege,
And club-room, stall, and cellar, too,
Are placed in state of siege.
His budget's army of excise
Invades their sanctity,
And transforms each patrician swell
Into a vintner free.
For baccaa, too, and foreign weeds,
With "licensed to selb eer,"
In elongated capitals
O'er club doors must appear.
Dear Fun, while I compose next verse,
Just send your devil" out,
And let him to the Carlton" run
To fetch a pot of stout !
(Printer's Devil, loq.:-" Please, sir, do you think they'll lend me a
pewter, 'cos all our jugs is broke ? ")


WILLS AND BEQUESTS.
LETTERS of administration to the estate of Mls. TAlTrI.1 Penv have
been taken out by her executors, one of whom (her favourith ncplhlw)
considers himself to have been taken in. The personalty-if this
gentleman will excuse anything said where nothing is meant, for we
would not be personal on any account-lhas been sworn under
1.50,000. The deceased has left half this sumn to the Asylum for
Destitute Dogs, but the gift is considerably curtailed in a codicil.
The noble institution in question is to receive annually the int rcst io
two shares in the Equestrian and Rheumatic Comet.ory at, lhorsley-
down, for the purchase of dogs'-meat. A good many more hlarialilo
bequests are made on a magnificent scale of distribution; minl tlhey
are all more or less revoked in the codicil before mentioned. The
residuary legatee is the REv. SNITCHERLEY SoAPER, of Tyl'r's lcws
Chapel. Mus. PuRc has left to her nephew, MRi. X. I.t'iiALL, in
grateful recollection of his kindness in washing her lato Ini111111 il
poodle twice a week for seven years, the faithful brute's chain and
collar.
The will of Mil. KEIRR MUDGEON, of IBruin-cum-Sorchcnd, las born
proved at Doctors' Commons to be a disgracoful allhir. 11e has kitv
his fortune to charity, and his daughter to starve.
The will of Mil. D. LEARY MI. THIMMINGS has not, been proved, its
validity being thought somewhat below proof. The decensed, who
claimed to be the wholo and sole proprietor of the lledford Level, tl I
New Forest, the British Museum, the isle of Dogs, ApDothlerurie.s
Hall, Blackfriars-bridgo, Ilighbury Barn, Primrose-hill, the (oidlwinl
Sands, the London Tavern, Leadenhall Market, Salisbury l'I;in,.
Milbank Penitentiary, the Theatre Royal, Welistinster, and Ilinim l!l
Lunatic Asylum, has bequeathed half a million sterling towards tlhe
liquidation of things in general, naming as trustees for the pIrolr
application of the behest, ADMnIRAL PITZlOY, the Editor of Bicll's B if,'
the ARCIiBISiiOP OF CANTERBURY, MIR. PAUL BEDnDOR, MRi. SPl'tS;GETN,
LORD DERBY, 1MR. BRTGITT, the Secretary to the Society for the Co(l-
version of the Jews, Mil. DISRAELI, MRl. MARTIN FARQIUlII. T''rI':nt.
the LOKD MAYOR (assisted by MR. MACE), COLrONEL S1,E.IH, the lh l,
Waiter at the "Ship and Turtle," the Six-mile Champion, CArAINs
ACIIERLEY, MRl. R. RotOMER, and theDuKElor CAMllRDGE. I'The te tat: r
specially excludes MR. SAMUEL WARREN, as being disqualified by his
office from taking a perfectly sober view of his testator'ss) intentions.


TIIE POOR AND THE PARISH.
AN inquest has been held on a poor woman named MOORE, who was
practically put to death by the parish authorities for relising t,
separate from her husband before death did them part," and friori
her nine little ones. Hcr husband was a watch-finisher, carmnliil about
fourteen shillings a week. Eleven mouths had to be foed out of liat
pittance, of which three shillings went for the rent of a poor garr't,
that nevertheless was, in its common occupancy by husband, wife,
and children, a home," and one which they would not break up.
The parish authorities refused out-door relief. The children were
starving, and the mother went out to beg for them. She vwas Htruck
down with fever, but, with a mother's instinct, managed to drag lhr.
self once more to the union, and pray for an entrance for her children.
She was driven away, to return to her miserable home and die. How
much longer can we suffer a system under which such crimes tir,
committed and sanctioned ? To administer the poor-rates for ,,ot.dor
relief of those poor people who still cherish a spark of ind(rpeidtrlence:-
who have not had all the home-feelings trodden out of tllhe, only
needs a little more care and trouble, and a good deal less red tape and
Bumbledom. Something must be done. When private charity is
often restricted by the sums it is compelled to pay to support the
poor-law system, it is only fair that it should claim to have that money
well administered. Before England boasts of her advanced civiliza-
tion, she must be quite sure that people are not starved to d eath by
parochial pig-headcdness, and (to refer to another case reported last
week) that poor women, suffering the pangs of maternity, are not
bandied about in jolting cabs from oron union to another. at the ribk of
their lives and the lives of their children.


A MuiLTi'En.-A singular specimen of mankind was advertixdrl for
the other day; here is his description:-" Six feet, commanding
figure, military appearance, reddish beard and mustache." IHr miut
be a Siamese twin, born in the Isle of Man. Wi don't see how hlis six
feet are to be accounted for by any other hypothesis.
IMP'ORTANT TELEOGRAM.l-RisiDg of the t'oles in Kent-in anticipation
of the hop season.


VOL. IV. H








[MAY 2, 1863.


S62 FpUN.


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Coijin1;ic,!eP ; blyi a Membce of the Arch-l-g-c-l Society.



-. ---I- K. T


-7-

Si v -c--' ^W7 -vFl- V TCOE
Iy 0 K. C f- Q&R J


THIE C(IAIRTERIIOUSE.
Slit YW. ariAE n 1MANNY was a terrible knight. Some said he ought
to have been called Smi WAALTrEI TOO-.MANY, for whenever he fought
lie invariably proved not only one but several too many for his adver-
saries. In ft"lt, his characteristics were essentially striking; and so
his enemies found in the day of battle. By birth he was from
ainiauill, and caone over in the train of QUEEN PHILI'P'A, the wife Of
iv.iin. I., and soon proved himself a very first-class man. Slut
W.\Vr.rit was appointed carver to the Qu;IEN, which, perhaps, may
account ftr his so speedily cutting a way to glory, and, ore long, lie
was dubbed a knight, his bravery, however, not being the least
dub-ions. After this, the way lie thrashed the French was r caution,
and one would have thought lie had been born in lBermondsey instead
of Flanders, so expert was lie t tanning their hides, till at last the
(hl)idea of a hiding from him was n really hideous notion to them.
Not only was lie a brave soldier, but also a good citizen ; for when a
plague broke out in London, in 1381, and the graveyards were so full
that no more bodies could therein be buried, lie bought at his own
cost a plot of ground, thirteen acres in extent, wherein those that
died of the disorder might be interred; and not less than fifty thousand
persons found (in a deep pit which was dug for their reception) a last
ret-ing-place. When the plague ceased, Sin WALirE. founded a
niointery of Carthusian monks on the spot-an order of devotees
Si ni mado hair shirts their bosom friends, and fasting their general
fiod; while still further to provo their sincerity, they abjured soap
and water, the consequenceof which was, thatif theirdailyroundof duties
had not much lilf in them, their personal apparel had a good deal.
lie bestowed on them also a charter which is still preserved ; but as
we have not seen this preserve, we have not been able to find any
gamn in it.
When KIN,; HIiNRY VIII. and the POPE fell out, the monastery fell
into dilliculties. Thei P]lioit HoUI(;IITON at first consented, but after-
wards refused, to acknowledge the king's supremacy, but found that
his line of conduct only ended in a line of rope, for he was hung for
his pains at Tyburn, and a portion of his body set over the gate of the
Charterhouse as a gentle reminder to the rest of the monks of what
they might expect, should they venture to doubt the infallibility of the
monarch. History, however, has solved all doubts on this subject,


and, despite MR. FrouD's endeavours to whitewash* this moral bank-
rupt, his character appears to us to shine less with the light of day
than with that of DAY and MARTIN.
At the dissolution of the religious houses, the king, with that
generosity which he always showed when dealing witl what did not
belong to him, granted the estate to Joen BRIDGES and THOMAs HALL,
and three years afterwards to Sir EDWAln ) NsOaTH. It then passed,
like a doubtful shilling, through a number of hands, until finally, in
1611, it was bought by TiuoMAS SUrTON for 13,000,-a very
large sum of money in those days, and which shows that the worthy
Tnooas must havehad more than one feather to fly with, to be able to
take so high a flight of generosity. Ile was, in fact, a man of immense
wealth and of great good-nature, whence it fell out that he was the
recipient of more begging letters than any man of his age, weight,
height, or money in the three kingdoms. His new purchase he
determined on turning into a hospital for decayed gentlemen and a
school, which he accordingly did; but, if the inhabitants of the
hospital were supposed to be decayed, the institution itself is by
no means so, for it has lasted until the present day and still
flourishes. The first governor was one Jolix BUTTON, a clergyman
from Essex. The founder designed to have superintended the insti-
tution himself, but age and infirmities put a long stop to his inten-
tion, and death bowled him out of a world where lie had made a
long score of good deeds, and let by no chance of doing kind
actions where they lay in his reach. He died in December, 1611,
universally regretted by all whom he had befriended, and their
number was so great that it would have puzzled even the arith-
metical BisnHO or NATAL to count them. He was buried in the
chapel of the Charterhouse, where a splendid tomb marks the
spot where he lies ; though we may regard the whole institution
as part of his remains.
Of the conventual house there is scarcely a vestige left. The
present building was the work of the DUrKE OF KNORIOLK, to whom
it belonged in the reign of QUEEN ELIZABETH, but who, having the
misfortune to mislay his head on a block on Tower-hill one morning,
was prevented by this trifling circumstance from further enjoyment
of the property, and it reverted to the crown.
In conclusion, the Charterhouse has educated many celebrated men,
whose names, having already been shouted forth to the world by the
trumpet of Fame, it is perfectly unnecessary for our penny one here ti
give them a blow.


THE HOUSE AT THE TOP OF A HILL.
A LYluI or NEWGATE.
THEIE'S a mansion whose battlements gloomily fro'i a
On the brow of a mountainous height;
The people go up and the people go down,
Past that mansion from morning till night.
I viewed it with terror in infancy's days,
I've a feeling of awe for it still,
Strange sentiments thrill me whenever I gaze
At the house on the top of a hill.
Permission to enter this mansion, I find,
Can only be had now and then,
Through a letter of recommendation that's signed
By a dozen respectable men.
You have only to put a man out of the way,
Or abstract the contents of a till,
To make yourself heartily welcome, they say,
At the house on the top of a hill.
There's lodging and board for the destitute poor,
And the diet's nutritious-though cheap;
And at evening they kindly make sure of your door,
For fear you should walk in your sleep.
There's a medical man to attend on the guests,
And a chaplain who tries to instil
The most laudable sentiments into their breasts,
At the house on the top of a hill.
Each guest has a separate chamber; in fact,
It's a species of private hotel,
Where a man who's committed some praiseworthy act,
Can live like an out-and-out swell.
And it's better than many hotels that I've tried,
For they never send up any bill;-
Though they patch up your morals and tend your inside-
At the house on the top of a hill.


I _~I~ _/









FU TI-N.


SMAY 2, 1863.]


AL


I


THE GARDEN.
Gardening for Wives.-Sewing buttons on lawn shirts.
The Plant for Housemaids.-Broom.
Nice Sport for the Season.-Pretend yon are an Irishman; go
behind one of your friends and kick him violently; he'll object, per-
haps retaliate; tell him, however, that lamb is in, and that you mint
it for sauce. Won't he be pleased !

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Polliticldeus.-The difference betweenMEssts. Grn sroTrn and DhISAELI
is this: the former passes his budget, while the latter had to budge
it from office.
Didlles.-Rain water is very soft (so is our correspondent); but
sometimes it rains hard.
Manners.-The proper etiquette is as follows: when a lady takes wine
with you, she says, "I looks towards you." The correct answer to
which is, I vinks my eye likewise." This is invariable in good
society.
Hookit.-You are mistaken; DR. CumreING never wrote in a sporting
paper under the name of "Joe hMuggins's Dog."
Bltchy asks, Who was CLARENDON ? le was a man with
several constitutions, and when, with riotous living, he had worn
out one, he used another. Afterwards he reformed, and wrote a
history of the Civil War; but this not answering, he retired from the
world and took an hotel in Bond-street, where Fistiana" is to be
seen at the bar, and Bell's Life is regularly filed.
We hasten to assure An A. B. Sea-man that the Latin for a haven
of refuge is not harbour vitre.
Silly Billy thinks we must like the contribution he sends. He
shouldn't think, it only confuses him.
Q in a Corn-er.-We have seen no announcement of a new edition of
Bunion's "Pilgrim's Progress" in a limp cover.
"'Pon my Civicus."-It would be very unusual for an "aitch" bone
of beef to form part of the LORD 1AYOIR' dinner.
Poor Letter H.-Of course, when the poet speaks of a scolding
hinge," he means a hasp-irate. Your conjecture that hinges com-
plain from a sense of hinge-ury, in ingenious.
March f Intellect wishes to know what is meant by the Equinoctial
gales ? He be blowed!


A NURSERY RHYME.
VESSELS make, vessels make, LAIRD, my man,
So I will, masters, as fast as I can,
Arm 'em, and man 'em, and send 'em to sea,
And turn from JoH BrIGIT with a "fiddle-dee-dee."


GOING TO SEE THE GHOST.
Dit'I.'l) by ceaseless occupation,
Forling wearied more :tad more,
Let ,us seek a new sensation,
Something never felt before.
IIoxton, ho! a cab, tlint is it,
Fare's a florin at the most,
Let us the Britannia visit,
Let us meet with P:rrti'l's ghost.


METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
The Gr'eat IVorthern Lights.-The lamps at King's-cross.
Remark-able Appearance in Great Russell-street.-A pretty woman was
seen to enter the reading-room of the British Museum. (Conster-
nation of the officials !)
Spots arise from heat; this accounts for those on the face of the
Sun, which arise from his overheating himself when dining at the
sign of the Zodiac.

APRIL.
5 26 Sermon at St. Paul's by the BIsHoP oF LONDoN. The
Whole episcopal family will attend and sit TAIT-a-TAIT.
Mi 27 Procession of the worshipful Company of Skinners, bear-
ing flints.
Tu 28 BLODGERS, a romantic drama, in no end of acts. Copy-
right registered. No Irish need apply. He wos a
doin' of ut that o' night" (it was half-past four in the
afternoon). This was too much; fired with a noble
indignation, conscious innocence, and two glasses of
brandy and water, he--But we must pause.
W 29 News from the Bay of FuN-dy. Arrival of the new
number with a cargo of witty notions.
Tii 30 Shoemakers' rejoicings; it being the last day of the
month.
MAY.
F 1 Now for a clean sweep!
S 2 Feast of the London gin and watermen. Chair to be
taken by Ma. G. CRUIKSHANK on a groggy horse.


MANACK AND DIARY.


Half-past six-live ininutes Inf r,
You won't see f11t piece begin--
(At tie people's own th c-r-tre,"
Early go the people in.)
Pay one shilling-box-admtissioin-
Pay one halfpmenny for thle bill,
Thon take up a snug position,
Glad to see the theatre fill.
As the drama gets pathetic,
Tears bodim the people's sight,
Horny hands grow sympntlittic,
With whoever's in thle right.
Every timeo tli virtuous party,
Foiled and scorned the wic'k d man,
Honest plaudits, lond and hearty,
loound the pit anid gallery raun.
How Sir Gilbert, "proud and scheming,"
Wrongs a widow, there we see,
Whilst two daughters fair are seeming,
Also in hIis power to be.
But this sort of situation,
Being what we all expect,
Come we to the great sensation,
Come we to the ghost effect.
Fancy, then, Sir Gilbert turning
Towards his chamber, dull enough,
With four long wax candles hurniing
Blue, with awful length of pnufl';
Pricked by conscience, wanting vigour,
Weak and nelrvois, goini to bed,
llaunted by a fleshiless figure,
Rattling bones about his ]hiad.
SPoohl! exclaims Sir Gilbert, ''idillo!
Phantom! Nonsenso! Don't (tll oe!"
Then the ghost right in the miiidrllo
Starts up wontlerful to see.
Ha !" Sir Gilbert cries, why Hlis i-
Like the widow I have wronged."
(Which it was, for unto Mis.
YAiNOtI) both th forms belongedd)
Where's my sword ? If I can kii but
Thee-I'm-Ha! With might lnd main,
Then the naughty man, Sir Gilbert,
Sticks at nothing, once again.
la ha! ha !" the ghost defies him,
Laughs Ita! ha "-then disappl"ars,
Wiich so much seems to surprise him,
Swoons he overcome with f ars.
ow's it done, BIr ? "Blessed if I knoia;"
Well, I'm dashed "Went squashed qiite flat;"
Mn.t have cost LANE lots of rLino;"
Never seed a go like that."
Thus fell fragments of of pinion,
On our ear, as forth we came,
Glad Britannia's proud dominion,
Boasts the ghost of rising fame.


A KEAN DISs'AITOINTMxT.-To find CIIArLES iag not retired from
the stage.
THE SANitS or LITE.-Those of Ramagate in the season.
TAE iMoIulrst Alm.-The "Dead March" in Saul.
THiE M1El's DISEASE.-Tightness of the chest.
A C('or.rsty DOcToR.-Dha. MEADOWYS.


i; ; ;


I


I
























J-


FIT iU [MTi 2, 1863.



-~ -~ -2~-'4.hI '--



-:





kk\



J, -7
I .. -

/ ___


I, M21 -
-


COIVPLIVTM:ENTARYR--VEBRY -

Cabby :-" HAVE A CA.l, SI ?"
Old Buck :-" No, Sir; I'M IN A IIURIY!"


THE BRIDAL PRESENTS AT SOUTH KENSING-
TON MUSEUM.
Rici and rare
Are the gems she'll wear,
If she ever puts on half the things that are there ;
But the PRINCEss's beauty,
We deem it a duty
To state, in most positive terms, is beyond
The gold and the gems she will aye have donned.
Refuge of the dilettanti,
In a suburb gay and jaunty;
House-of-call for cardboard-spoilers,
3Much-abusid Brompton Boilers!
Where Britannia's constant demon,
Jobbery, still puts the steam on;
Where, say punsters crabb'd and cruel,
COLE supplies such costly fuel,
That, for doings foul and black,
He deserves to get the sack-
Through thy trnstiles of oak we our pilgrimage make,
Determined at all inconvenience to take,
Some time between ten in the morning and dusk, an
Inspection of all these magnificent things-
Tiaras, and brooches, and bracelets, and rings;
Of ornaments Runic, and Dutch, and Etruscan;
Of classic designs,
In which PrrLSILPs shines;
Of riches untold,
In pearls and in gold,
Barbaric as CHAUCER's and MLTroN's Cambuscan;


The east and the west
Having poured forth its best-
Kings, emperors, rajahs, grand dukes, and the rest-
In all shapes and fashions from Tartar to Tuscan.
Nor by great ones alone
Is an interest shown
In the joyful event which has brightened the throne.
For, during the months which have happily flown
Since the choice of the PRINCE to the nation was known,
Each corporate town
Has freely "come down"
To the honour alike of the mayoral gown,
And of SMiTH and ROBINSON, JONES and BEowN,
Together with THOMPSON of loyal renown;
Who says that he knows
What an Englishman owes
(And he's not so far out after all) to the crown.
The diamonds bright in this glittering dower,
As gay as the rainbow, as pure as the shower;
Each stone, too, as perfect as if 'twere a cure;
The fiery opals, with flame just as pure;
The pearls, overspread with a delicate bloom;
The emeralds green,
And of exquisite sheen;
Those very blue boys,
The celestial tnrquois;
In short, all the brilliant contents of the room ;-
We count the more precious, and noble, and fair,
For the love and the duty which sent them all there.


The cloak and the shawls
(Which nobody calls


_~77"_


I
1










MAY 2, 1863.] J E


A mere chip-in-porridge)
Add lustre to Norwich;
And Ireland's lace flounces,
FuN hereby pronounces
Quite worthy those ladies
By whom the choice made is;
And the delicate tint on
The china of MINTON,
Shows what can be sent
From famed Stoke-upon-Trent;
While the rumour, so basely
Put forward, that Paisley
Was nowhere at all,
With regard to her shawl
Turns out to be fudge,
As we ventured to judge
Would soon be declared;
And thousands have stared
At the Highland cairngor-um-
(I'd like much to borrow'm) ;
And so, may these treasures and others not named,
(For which want of space and not will should be blamed),
Be long and be happily worn by the pair,
SFor whom the whole nation unites in a prayer
As deep and as hearty as ever may bless
The path that is trod by a PUINCE and PsINCESS.


THE CITY POLICE.
ril Fc- OUR or five days ago, a meeting of
Sthe Common Council was held at
I .. .i \Guildhall, the LORD MAYOR presid-
SIr ': ing. That awfulassemblyproceeded
S "' ''l' to discuss the salary of the Com-
S missioners of City Police.
S"Ms. Rows,, chairman of the Coal,
Corn, and Finance Committees. q-iinrd.
r/ 'amid the cheers of the court, :. i ..
ought to elect to the vacant office a
gentleman of high character and position
(hear hear), and with whom any member
of the court could associate on friendly
and equal terms; and that, considering
the large expenditure incident to the
office, a stipend of 1,000, even with a
residence, could not attractsucha man."
A MR. ROWE appears to have an
exalted idea of the qualifications
of one who is fit to associate with
common councilmen "on friendly
"|"- and equal terms." A thousand a
year, with a house, would not
attract such a man. The man
who would be contented with
1,000 a year and a house would
be some poor devil of a colonel in
tile army, or perhaps a beggarly baronet, people with whom no
common councilman, or, indeed, any city tradesman who respected
himself, could think for one moment of associating.
MR. A.NDERTON talks about a petition which is to be presented to
Parliament.
"LHe warned MR. AYTTON that if he did not support that petition he would
never again represent the Tower Hamlets. He expressed his surprise at the
part taken by SIR DE LACY EVANs on this matter, contrasting it with the con-
spicuous exertions of his early life in the cause of freedom, especially in the
case of the Poles: adding that it was a pity for his fame that he had not died
-i ". ..... ('Oh! oh!') He urged the court to stand to their colours on
I-. r, ,.... not to yield an inch, adopting as their motto, 'Our police in
its integrity, and no surrender.' (A laugh)."
The comparison between the Poles t. .i_.;. for freedom, and
the corporation of London struggling for its police, is a very pretty
little bit of bathos, Ma. ANDERTON. Why, Mn. ANDEriTON, even
common councilmen laugh at you. "Oh! oh!" and "Alaugh"
greet your oration, ANDERTON. Go homo, sir, and don't talk nonsense


A PRETTY EFFECT.-When, to use the language of a certain class of
writers, the mantle of morning hangs over the skirts of a town."
WHi7 is the BISHno or OF Or D never barefooted ?-Because he's
always S. Oxox.-[From a barefaced correspondent.7
THE VOICES OF THE NIGHT."-Those blessed babies.
A UNIVERSAL GUIDE TO TIE TUl'R.-Life.


F 1S 1;7



MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RItYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLO.T.
WE scarcely need say all the talk of the day,
From town's worst to its best enud,
From cast end to west end,
Is this Budget of GLA.usTONE's-and how it will pay.
He begins, for a joke,
'Stead of ending, in smoke,
And lightens (you know-- re lucenm cx flu()
The duty on weed, which the smoke you consume o'.
Then with equalized duty on coffee and chickory,
Ho does his cndeavonr to stop tradesmen's trickery,
(Had he taken the duty tllh first wholly oil; he
Knows hickory oft would do duty for coffee).
Next he says that the clubs
Shall be licensed like pubs.,
A scheme that the raw of all Fogydom rubs.
Old MAJLoRn P'EMs NNNI S
The fiercest of enll is,
And with lots of" 'ltro Georges by love and by gad !"
Declares it's impertinent ; yes, siri, too bad."
Well, we'll leave tile old boys tilh new plan to discuss-
(Some dispense witl the dis "-and dispose of it "tles).
Then, some small alterations of licence and satle
He intends-spite of SOME:s-in tlie matter of alo.
Next the duties discusses
Of stages and 'busses-
(Of the latter, the duty wouldd seem to provide
Less weight on the roof, and less crowding inside,
Instead of wlat now, it appears, is their law,
High prices, low language, bad change, and damp straw).
Then his silent aversion
To trains of excursion,
He quietly shows by a clause's insertion,
By which tlhse same trains
That for companies' gains,
Endanger folks property, lives, limbs, and brains,
With fractures, contusions, burst veins, sprains, and strains,
Will in future be bound-duty bound-to pay cash,
And take out a licence to maim and to smash.
He, in Ireland (and England, too) next, on the backs
Of some corporate trusts
And charities, thrusts
A share of the Income--or some other-tax.
And by these moans a surplus he does to theo I house lhaun
(By adding those charges
To a balance that large is)
Three million, eight hundred and seventy-four thousand.
Having tilus given tlie sours of taxation-additions,
lie gives us the sweets in some welcome remissions.
First of all, then, the law for those stamps is.repealed,
Wherewith all bills of lading and parcels wore sealed;
Because mercantile men say so great was tile bore,
That they not only stamped," but they frequently livore.
Then on all minor incomes he lightens the weight
Of the tax, which till now was exceedingly great.
Long let indigent poets record in their verses
How great GLADSTONE dispersed the chirf foo of their purses.
Next the duty on tea he declares himself willing,
By taking off fivepence, to bring to a shilling.
Whereupon tIts. G.,
Wiho is fond of her tea,
Protests for that bob she will give hini a courtesy.
(Well, exchllange is no robbery,"
So you, in the job, or I,
Safely may say that we cannot much hurt see.)
Then last he proclaims he the income-tax lencefrom
IIas made up his mind to deducting twopence from.
So in future from each hard-won sovereign, thank heaven !
Instead of nine pence we shall only lose seven.
'Tis a capital Budget,
The Tories scarce grudge it,
And the people will very high praises adjudge it;
While to GLAD STON cries FUN,
Bravo very well done !
Go on, made virtutc, and keep up your pecker;
And we some day will seat you
Still higher, and greet you
First Lord of the Treasury-not the Exchequer!"


~------------









F TT N.


CAUSE AND EFFECT.
Country icar:-"Wir, ALGERNON, MY DEAR BOY, WHAT IN THIE
WOIILI) IS THE MATTER WITH YOU ? YOUR DINNER MI'ST HAVE DIS-
AIREEDI WrITH YOU. THOSE NASTY TRUFFLES; I CAUTIONED YOU AGAINST
TEIIM."
A7:crnoni (whoi Iclcd Hospodar lhcaily for the" Two Thoiusand"):-
"No, I ION'T TIIINK IT'S T'Ie TRUFOLES ; I THINK IT'S MUCI MORE
LIKELY TO IIIE THIlE MACCAIONI "


[MAY 2, 1863.


THE STREET-SELLER'S SONGSTER.
ORNAMENTS F'YER FI-ER STO'!
Ami-The Prairie Flower.
IN the pleasant spring time when the weather's mild,
And the kettle's always downstairs b'iled,
Paper curls or shavings round the grate you twine;
Perhaps you'd better purchase mine.
When, as I was telling, spring time draws it mild,
When in grates no longer coals are piled,
But some paper ringlets or some shavings there,
Placed all through the summer air-
Roses and lilies, twiddles and bows,
Who'll sell you papers as nice as those ?
Everywhere I go you must my burden know
Of Ornaments f'yer fi-er sto'! "
They're extraordinary cheap, or else I'm wrong,
Tipping 'em you fairly for a song,
With their pretty blossoms and their birds so gay,
Beautiful and low are they!
Some may fancy shavings gilded look the best,
Ornaments of paper please the rest;
Either for concealing grates will lovely be
If they're only bought of me.
Roses and lilies, fringes and stars,
Streamers and frills to hide the bars,
Nowhere can you go to see a better show
Of Ornaments f'yer fi-er sto'!"


HARD TIMES.
THE Thunderer of Printing House-square lately discharged a
salvo in favour of the very excellent entertainment of a clever
and gentlemanly actor, MR. DAVID FISHER. It praised him as
actor, musician, and author, whereupon, and very naturally, ME.
JAMES BRUTON, the writer of those portions of the entertain-
ment honoured with special notice, sent to our contemporary a
brief note stating his claims. With extraordinary bad taste-
even for the Times-the correction of the mistake concluded
thus,-" To the very curious this will no doubt be a most interest-
ing announcement." The sneer is an unworthy one, for what
deserved praise as the work of MR. FISHER surely did not forfeit
it because it was written by "any other man." Or did the
author of Magic Toys wish to punish the author of a few similar
unconsidered trifles ? Surely Jupiter Senior must have been
supping with Rhadamanthus the Inexorable when he determined
that mortals should be visited through life with the punishment
of early and repented errors.


EXETER HALL.
TWINE tight the snowy neckcloth, burnish black the clumsy boot,
From out tih creaking wardrobe pick the darkest sable suit,
Iowards the Hall of Exeter, throng thick the busy way,
With visages funereal-'tis the merry month of May !
Come hither, 0 yo broadbrims, with your drab eccentric coats,
To prove 'tis sin to combat those who try to cut your throats;
That manly courage is a crime when exercised in fight,
That self-defence is murder, and 'tis wrong to strive for right
Come hither, vegetarians, with your sophisms prov'd untrue,
Each season after season-over still advanced as now-
Fancy springeth from potatoes, wit and eloquence from beans,
Fresh rosy cheeks from turnips, health and beauty out of greens.
Come hither, missionary men, and toll us how fared you
With your tracts at Otalhite and your texts at Timbuctoo;
Ilow love of change and sunny climes first tempted you to roam,
Though want and vice, disease and filth, implored your help at home.
iCome hither, yo teetotallers, with many a smirk and grin
OI f proud self-conscious virtue, unassailable by gin,
Unfurl your tawdry banners, set your traps to catch a cheer,
And get drunk with adulation, for 'tis cheaper far than beer.
Come hither, anti-Romanists, insult your ancient foe,
Rake up the martyrs' ashes now of centuries ago,


Here rant and rave, and strut and brag, of deeds by others done,
Of a glorious reformation, such as you had never won.
Come hither, oh! come hither; here, sit snugly at your ease,
Each with a large umbrella tuck'd between his awkward knees,
Till the hour of speaking cometh, then who will may have his say,
In the crowded Hall of Exeter and merry month of May.
Away with sense and logic, revel deep in noisy rant,
In false self-gratulation, interspers'd with foolish cant;
Ignore the great world's progress; let the wise do what they will,
Fools will be foolish ever, and fulfil their mission still.



OF COURSE HE MUST!-The News of the World tells us how a
certain "noble lord has lately appointed a certain rev. gentleman to
the Deanery of Battle, Sussex. It might, we think, have added that
the rev. gentleman in question was necessarily, to be eligible for the
appointment, a member of the Church Militant.
THEATRICAL.-They are playing Aurora Floyd at the Adelphi. We
should have thought that a screamer would have suited that theatre
better than Aurora !"
A QUESTION FOR A SPORTING UNDERGRADUATE OF CAMBRIDGE.-When
a betting-man makes it all right with the ring, may he be said to
square the circle?
THE MOST ILL-TEMPERED MAN ON EARTI.-The one who could pro-
voce a smile.


_









MAY 2, 18U63.1 I' i



LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 34.-LOnBD ADOLPHUS FREDERICK CHARLES WILLIAM VANE-
TEMPEST, M.P.
ONE would be likely to think so long a string of names as the one
above would offer a sufficient choice for his lordship's friends to select
from. He is, however, known by several others-DOLY VANE, to
wit, on account of his almost feminine grace and sensibility, we sup-
pose, and TEMPEST in a teapot," on account of his mild and affable
manners.
He is one of the Londondorry family. It is reported that at the
siege of that town the representative of the family was one of the
beleaguered, and fainted from hunger. The faint must have been
anything but a sham, for even his descendants don't appear to have
quite come to their senses yet. LORD ADOLPHUS is the third son of
the third marquis, and since three times three should be, as the
Germans say, "nein," he must be expected to exhibit the negative
virtue, which "don't do no harm to nobody." He was born in 1825,
and has been suffered ever since. He was christened ADOLPHeUS
FREDERICK CIHARLES WILLIAM ;-perhaps his friends meant well by
thus conferring on him a choice of names, as there was little proba-
bility of his making one. He did, however, in after years assume a
nominal distinction, for he took the appellation of TEMPEST in 1851,
crowning a VANE youth with a stormy age. Those who proclaim
against the assumption of names, now that BUcGG have taken to grand
appellatives, appear to have slumbered when the VANE was turned by
the TEMPEST. It is a curious fact that nearly forty members of the
Lower House have either changed their names or had them changed
for them by their fathers and grandfathers. Yet this is the assembly
which says it interferes with the liberty of the subject if a man has
the freedom to call himself names !
LORD ADOLPHUS was educated at Eton. He never went to the
university, but was transferred from the Eton provost to the provost-
marshal. He served in the Scots Fusilier Guards, and went to the
Crimea with his regiment in 1851. He behaved with great gallantry
during the campaign, although some cruel people said his courage
was attributable to the little risk he ran of having his brains blown
out.
It is a matter of regret that his lordship ever exchanged the military
profession for statesmanship. He was eminently fitted for an officer,
and possessed many qualities which are only useful to gentlemen in
the Guards. In 1S59 he deprived the army of a useful and promising
officer, without in any way benefiting any other profession by the
change. He was already in Parliament, and, therefore, could not
have been influenced in this course by the belief that he was going to
benefit his country by his talents there.
In June, 1852, he contested the city of Durham, though but little
fitted as a representative of the piquant products for which it is
celebrated. His friends probably voted against him out of kindness,
but he persisted in the contest, the result of which was that he got
pepper instead of the approval of Durham's mustered constituents.
In the following December he tried again, when his friends, acting on
the old maxim, quem deus vult perdere, and apprised that he meant at
that election to persevere, supported him. He was returned, and
sat in the House till the June of the next year, when he was unseated
on petition. In 1854 he was elected for the North Durham District,
which he still continues to represent. LORD ADOLPHUS, as a politician,
cracks up sound Conservatism, and is a general supporter of DERBY,
probably from a love for the race. He, however, voted with PALMER-
STON on the Chinese war-a course which was rather the result of
pugnacious proclivities than of political perceptions. He also strongly
"supports the interests of the Protestant church," by which he is
supposed to mean church rates. Such a definition is quite near
enough for him, though, of course, all sound thinkers know tlat
nothing so much endangers that establishment as the vexatious and
unequal imposts alluded to. It would be too much to expect this
officer and gentleman not to oppose the Maynooth Grant, after sup-
porting church rates.
LORD ADOLPHUS is one of those hereditary legislators who are the
silver spoons born in the mouth of Parliament. He is of no great
service to his party, except as a vote. As to considering him a man
of weight, we might as well make a fuss about a doll as about ADOL-
PHUs. The noble lord brings to the deepest of sciences, political
economy, the talents of an officer in the Guards-talents that would
serve well on parade perhaps, or in the parks, but not even ornamental
in Parliament.
His speeches, as might be expected, are not marked by any peculiar
originality or brilliance, and the style in which they are delivered is
officer-like. It is "nervous diction," in the sense of being full of
"aw."


___I


J- \ ..... ___


There is little fear that his lordship will ever wrest the hladershiill
of the Conservative party front the hands of the glib Caucasian gent.
who now leads tie country gentlemen to defeat. He has one ppotr-
tunity for distinguishing himself now offered him. If he choo.ss to
oppose GLADSTONE'S plan for licensing club-houses, he might obtain
notoriety, though possibly not popularity, while he would run no risk
of losing positin, for the best of reasons.


OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 50.-BY PoUls :tO THItE I'PEo'r a.
THE light of laughter leapcthi out
From oyes that dauce in jubilant mirth ;
Through all the length and breadth o' the earth,
There rings a gay and gladsonm shout!
The bird of song soars up i' the niair,
And rains his lyrical love-notos down ;
No shadow of gloom, no dismal frown,
When FUN comes out, stays otherwhere!
Each Wednesday morn tile sheet alppeari1,
And echoing laughter thrills the soul;
And o'er the bright and merry scroll
,"end youthful faces and men of years.
?')ear heart, how much they gain To one
The artist shows lis outlines quaint ;i
And others. laugh and nearly ftint
./t tricksolme joke and marvellous pun !
Aard-handed gnarliid sons of toil,
Snatch from its page a brief delight;
And happy are the wits who write
For patient children of the soil.
A spirit of mirth and innocent joy,
Goes flashing up in a myriad eyes
And loud and long are the cheerful erics
That FUN calls forth, from man and bey.
And bluo-eyed girls, with their golden hair
Going rippling down to the slender waist,
its delicate dainties tenderly iaste,
And laugh right out in the vernal air.
(--ti-itt 1 -

She sat upon the mossy ground,
And glanced at fields of ripening grain;
The briony was twining round
The hawthorn hedge beside the lane.
Dog-roses spread their petals pale,
Touched with a tender rosy flush;
The maiden listened to my tale,
And heard me will a virgin blush.
The letter-bag was in my land ;
Her eyes were fixed on it; and she
Full quickly made me understand
What was it that she wished to see.
"Postman," she said, the papor show,"
She meant her own, her favourito one
And soon I saw a charming glow
Suffuse her face whilst reading FlN.
The blackbird whistled shrill and clear,
The speckled-throated thrush replied;
Their songs she did not seem to hear,
And soon methought the maiden sighed,-
"Alh! would," she cried, and blushed again,
Would I might know some gifted wight,
Some one of those whose dulcet strain
Makes FuN so charming when they write "
"' Maiden," I cried, "your wish attained-
'Tis in my power-shall quickly be,
Though not to arts or letters trained,
A funny writer see in me !"
'Twas thus that, down in Orleigh-lane,
My gentle Lucy's heart was won;
I seize my horn, its loudest strain
Shall tell the woods I write for FN !
Enw--i C-ir-I-i, l o, t1 Postman, Bideford, Devon.









SF --X T. [MAY2, 863S.
/ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I 0U ____ ___ ____-


// ,,

/' ,< 'i 7 1

1-nl I,~
9Ocn AP

J ~ 1 H.~_


7 C


TI-E FED-R.:AL CAMI:P.

(From our otwn Correspondent.)


Army of the Potomac, March 31st.
I HAVE just arrived (in company with your artist) at the Federal
camp. To-morrow I will send you a detailed description of it; mean-
while, exhausted by travelling, I must retire to my couch, where I
shall be lulled to rest by the gentle breezes that sweep over the valley
of the Potomac from the distant gorges of the Apalachian hills.
Army of the Potomac, April 1st.
Should there be anything incongruous or inconsistent in the
narrative I am about to indite, which such I will not readily believe
can be tle case, for although your artist is unfortunately in a state
which, to take the mildest view of the circumstances, is undoubtedly
unfortunate, yet your correspondent, and such I ever hope to continue,
for you know, sir, I have served you long and faithfully, though I say
it who should not, but I have a perfect right to do so if I choose, and
I should like to meet with anybody who denies it, but I think that the
Federal camp is an irregular parollogram, and be sure you spell this
right, for a better fellow than DUNKER, the surgeon of the Elberfeld
Horse, never drew the light of day, except, perhaps, O'RYAN, of the
Tipperary Tirailleurs, with both of whom I have been for many hours,
and being ever anxious to obtain exclusive information I joined them
at mess-not that I had a drop too much, for your correspondent can
honestly say that he never put an enemy into his mouth to steal away,
and I would not do so, for I think it would be an ungentlemanly and
disgusting action-so O'RYAN asked me to have a mint-julep, and, of
course, I was obliged to join him, and this led to DUNKER proposing
goes of brandy, than which nothing is considered a better specific, or
I would not have touched it, so we all set off on a journey through the
camp, and anything moro humiliating than the conduct of your artist
words cannot utter, so of course I was very much interested, and I
think he draws it entirely from memory, but it is wonderful to see so
many men brought together under one who is familiarly known as the
judiciously-fighting JOE 1HOOKER, than whom a better fellow nor one
more truly hospitable in every sense of the word never breathed, and
this all who knew him can confirm, for it is an irregular parallelogram,


and I challenge contradiction, not that I profess to be infallible, like
the Pope of Rome, but I give you my honour that a nicer cocktail is
not to be had throughout the States, and-let me see-where am I
now ?-oh all right-it is an irregular parallelogramagram, and truly
rural in its situation, especially the quarters of the 1st Connecticut,
where I did a smile, not but what the New Jersey Nobblers are a
good corps and understand gin-sling admirably-of course this is
between ourselves-not that I am at all ashamed of it, but really you
know, en tre nous, your artist, than whom a better fellow never saw the
day in an irregular parallelogram, and I don't care if the mail does go
to-morrow-I suppose I'm quite as good as you any day in the week,
and only pecuniarily your inferior, for what after all is life but one of
the most irregular parallelogramagramagrams-stop! too many
grams there-above the haunts of the mighty squirrel and the agile
bear, amidst the purple solitudes of the Alleghanies and the rippling
murmurs of the Rappahannock.


As SURE AS EGGS IS EGGS."-GENERAL BUTLrIE is at New York,
where he has, according to the papers, received a grand ovation."
If he will step over here we will supply the ova for a similar entertain-
ment, and charge nothing for them, though we will guarantee they
shall be high.

The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also the Title, Preface, and Indes to the THIRD Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, Id.
The FIRST and SECOND Volumes of FUN are still on sale.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.


Printcd ind Published (fcr the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Fleetstreet, E.C.-May 2, 1863.







IMA 9, 1803.]


FP .


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Communicated by a IMember of the Arch-l-g-c-l Sccitey.


THE STRAND.y
THE STRAND.


THE LIVERPOOL SPIES.


WE are in the Strand! Ha! what meets our gaze? Is it the "SIR GEORGE Sit GEORGE upon my life a pretty state of things,
crowded street with its thronging multitudes ever wildly surging to 'Tis trespassing upon the rights of presidential kings,
and fro, bent on the never-ending, always-beginning daily turmoil of To let your merchants in the North equip and send to sea
business and pleasure ? No It is a barren, reedy shore, where the War vessels to support the South and vilest slavery."
hollow-sounding cry of the bittern, and the continuous piping of the
love-sick bullfrog alone break the surrounding solitudes The houses, So ADAMS cried. Sil GEORGE attends, and rides away in hasto,
where are they? Ah! where indeed? and echo answers, Where ? While LINcO.N's minister in wrath his private cllmbier paced.
They are not yet built! The population, are they not yet invented ? To Liverpool by telegraph the stirring warning flies-
Yes; see from the neighboring city of mud-constructed huts a form Put peelers on the Southern track, but do not call them spis !"
appears; his gaily-painted waistcoat of yellow-ochre and his dashing So in trice, dtectivs S and COUIN, SAE and IONE,
trow-no, pants-of woad proclaim him an early English exquisite, So a trce detectives SMIThi and Cmi ofN SIAFEo and I oNE,
bent, perchance, on captivating the too-susceptible heart of some Stood scarecrow-lik within the midst of the Confed'rato corn
primitive maiden of the court of QUEEN BOADICEA. He--But her wo stand in to ile tooth two k watch upon the ots,
we woke, having been dreaming with might and iMAYNE (REID), and But no one saw a little chap a taking of his notes.
fancied ourselves "in the Strand" some eighteen hundred years ago. These notes were sent to London sharp, and published in the TimeIs,
Until the seventh century the Strand was only a bank, where the (And now we give them world-wido fame by putting their in rhymes);
waters of the Thames received a daily check, and deposited the defunct Then, as a natural consolru n ', some member in the lHouso
cats and dogs who had met with an untimely fate at the hands of the Got up and asked Si G ne.oJ; tlhe truth : but GEoarola h's got some
inhabitants of the city lower down. The erection of the Abbey nous.
of Westminster necessitated a communication of some sort with
London, as the monks, though they had no objection to be monarchs He could assure the noble lord the news was all my eye,
of all they surveyed," had not the slightest desire to be "out of For he was not the man to deal with any sort of spy.
humanity's reach," however near they might be to that of Hunger- Ah 'cute SiR GEORGE, why split your hairs ? 'tis hardly worth the
ford. EDWARD TUE CONFESSOR* rebuilt the Abbey, and looking on while,
the site with favourable eyes, added a palace for himself. The road was For truth will out in spite of you or any other file.
then improved, but not much, for we read of it in difficulties soon after-
wards, and altogether it was much more often a thorough foul than a
thoroughfare. Gradually, and by slow degrees, buildings began to be
erected on the line between Temple Bar and Westminster, one of the LATEST FRO AsMERICA.-On dit, that the New York Chamber of
first being the palace of the Savoy, the ground for which was granted Commerce have engaged MR. RAREY for the purpose of taming the
by HENRY III. to his uncle, who, as such, was, of course, ready to take Confederate cruisers.
valuable pledges of affection, and, as a foreigner, doubtless wished to As WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED."-A buck who has accepted
be well grounded in English manors. The bishops were the next from you an invitation to dinner, and who is, necessarily, "a swell as
dwellers in that locality, where their inns were at first regarded as can be expected."
ANOTHErn (AND VF.RY AI'PROPI'IATE) CHANGE or NAME.-ANDERTON,
He was so called from his habit of never confessing anything whatever. of the City of London, for the future to be called GandmerroN.

VOL. TV. I


71


__ ______I~ 1


great innovations, for previously noblemen and gentlemen used to lay
in the city for security; but the clerics probably coincludling it was as
easy to lie outside as in, pitched their tonts in the Stiand in a very
contented manner. The propinquity to tlh royal palace nnmay have
had something to do with the choice of the episcopal residents, froin
their office naturally a far-scc-ing set, and always ready to hear of
anything to their advantage, as they considered that, however bad at
interpreting morals the monarch might be, lie was, nevertheless, per-
fectly qualified to be a good translator of bishops to more profitable
offices and sees.
But all this while the roadway of the Strand was in a most dilapi-
dated state ; the mud was as adhesive as a luggage-label, and would
have furnished mud-pies to the whole infant population of Great
Britain. The various processions which went along it to Westminster
were frequently stuck for hours, exposed to the ribald jests of the
London boys, who would ask "if they wos a going' to stay there all
night ?" and unfeelingly address the civic authorities as stick-in-
the-mud." In fact, the obstructions were as bad as those of a modern
Board of Works, and in the fourteenth century a tax was laid on the
inhabitants between Temple Bar and the lPalaco gate, to niake them
mend their evil way. As a natural consequence, the taxed ones cried
out loudly, and, as an ancient chronicler, whose name has long since
sunkto the bottom of tli well of oblivion,and never come up again, says,
" c lauIinlmc of t)is taxes bpub l)aintrc nuctlc bisgrntmict, allb t Molch
bub bisagrre luitlj telanit." Taxation and justice are seldom con-
nected-instance the Income-tax and Schedule I); but in this case
the idea of taxing a single street for the benefit of the wholo town,
shows them to have been on very distant terms indeed, and the con-
sequence was, the impost was abolished, and, instead, a toll was levied
on all goods carried to the Staple at Westminster, where they were
securely locked up, and the owners were unable to fetch them away
until they were toll'd. In 1532 pavement was laid down, which is
supposed to have given the official mind the first idea of obstruct-
ing the traffic-an idea which evidently has found such favour in
their eyes, that scarcely a year now passes without the performance
being repeated, but, unlike those of our theatres, not at all by
special request.
It was about this time that the Strand was completed, which
reminds us that the same operation must take place with this
article, so further particulars of what was "in the Strand! in the
Strand in ancient times must be postponed till next week.


I











72 -


THE COMIC ENCYCLOPAEDIA
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE.
:- : EDICINE.-The art which assists
nature in the preservation of
Health, and which, when we have
any complaint, reminds us of the
propriety of the old maxim that we
should give and take all the world
over. Giving medicine is the pre-
\ scribed duty of the physician, tak-
ing medicine is the great duty of
the patient, and three half-pence is
the little duty of the Government,
levied on patent medicines of the
value of one shilling, in order that
S the revenue at least may get, as
certain, some sick cured by them.
In this sense, quacks,asthe Govern-
ment take whacks, may consider
themselves among the pillars of the
state. We swallow our medicine
to avoid things more unpleasant;
in short, taking physic to prevent
Aching worse. An infallible spe-
cific for every disorder is some-
times recommended on the prin-
ciple, does for one, dose for all;
but the only universal medicine known is fresh air, and a draught of
son air is a panacea that may be taken in preference to any other
draughts. Thoso who seeking better medicines buy them, have often
found they have not Leon better made since by them.
MI,.ANNcior.--The state of being in the blues," often experienced
by those who, having something the matter with their heads, look
evoen at the bright side of life from a gloomy point of hue. Whoever
Ihas had moments in which lie has sad thoughts will be glad to hear
of a pleasant mode of getting rid of them. The melancholy man
should put F'u into his pocket, and himself into a railway train as
soon as possible. Directly he fixes his eye 'pon "con." drier than
usual, his usual hypochondria will vanish, and the cure is complete by
Ihe ti mio lio sminiles away.
Ml oa o.--'lio mental fthcltly y which we retain a knowledge of
things that ari gone. When books and unibrellas are numbered
a mIongI lie things that are gone, the borrowers will frequently retain
Ithe articles thlimselves, in order, perhaps, to assist their memory.
Tils system of mInemonics cannot, however, be generally recommended,
na it often renders our library a mcro wreck collection. Some persons
have such a bad memory that they are fouud"'occasionally to forget
themselves.
MERiicAlNT.-Strictly speaking, a trader who exports the produce of
olo country and imports the produce of another, merchants thus
getting their living by miere chance. When prices advance, merchants
retire, and this inay be taken as an illustration of the balance of trade.
Miasau.mI.s I.-A power of the will which induces a person to act in
accordance with the wish of the operator. ''o mesmerize is therefore
simply to make your will in favour of another.
MIan.-No matter.
MoSEr.-The root of all evil, which accounts for the zeal with which
we all try to raise it. The invention of a portable equivalent for com-
modities transferred marked the first stage of civilization, and before
that the awkwardness of getting change for an ox, or asking a shep-
herd, when you wanted a small loan, if lie had got such a thing as a
shee1) ahot hi, M t have been severely felt. When trade is stag-
namit and inioney is wanted, shopkeepers stand at their doors and rub
their hands as the best mode known to them of promoting the circu-
lation. At one establishment in the city more money is made than
at any other place in the world. It is called the Mint.


CALLS TO THE BAR.-(Fromn the "orii'ingq Advertiser,.)-The fol-
lowing gentlemen were recently called to the bar:--Ms. SNIGGLES,
of the Laughing Lobster," on a disputed question of a pint pot
(this has been much agitated in the neighbourhood) ; Mr. TurPS, to
decide tio merits of a pewter sixpence (ultimately accepted and
passed to an intoxicated cab-driver) ; and Mi. SwlPES, to introduce
two intoxicated gouts to the outer bar of the pavement, where they
were taken in haud by a policeman, anl finally introduced to the bar
of the police-station, and conducted to the bench (in the cell) with
the usual ceremonies.


3 N.


[MIAY 9, 1863.


THE FIGHT AT CHARLESTON.
[From our Special Minstrels.]
New York, April 20th, 1863.
Now the battle's over, and myself gay rover!
Laid up in clover, as all may view;
A bold narration, with an explanation,
Of the situation, I'll send to you.
Our fleet assembling, no heart was trembling
With aught resembling a panic fear;
And your correspondent, with ardour fond, el.,
Ered on his duties in his proper sphere.
At North Edisto, not one was missed, !
All to assist, 0 then seemed prepared;
But Fortress Sumter appeared a rum ter-
Minus to get to, the men declared.
Oh! Fortress Moultre where men feed on poultry,
And other children of the wild lagoon,
It would give us rapture if we could but capture,
In a manner apt, your tall ramparts soon.
With this intention, I next must mention,
That without dissension, we started were;
The vessels steaming, and the whistles screaming,
Like a person dreaming with the wild nightmare.
But it drove us crazy when the weather hazy,
Kept us lying lazy by day and night;
Till at length it lifted, and in we drifted,
Where each one shifted as best he might.
I cursed my folly, when an awful volley,
Which was far from jolly, my vessel struck;
'Twas an awkward feeling when over heeling-
And we heard a squealing from the Ke-o-kulk.
There was ADMIRAL DUPONT, who stood the poop on,
A bold commander and fair to see;
For his constant pride is his ironsides,
And you can't deride his sagacitie.
I soon was fearing that our awkward steering
Would send us nearing the awful fort.
So I told the steward what I then endured,
And from him procured a something short;
The dose repeated, my courage heated,
Though the smell was fetid from grease and slush.
[Explicit 1MS.]
The obvious rhyme to "slush" is one with which our Minstrel has
evidently declined to pollute his playful quill; and it would be grossly
uncharitable to imagine that he persisted in the internal application
of remedies for sea-sickness until he was no longer in a condition to
continue his metrical report. At any rate, it is satisfactory to know
that another bard was on the spot, whose strains we now append. To
mention the popular tune which has served him as a theme, would be
almost an insult to the intelligence of the reader.
WE guessed we'd got the rebels like tree'd possums in a fix,
And sent our iron-clads through the bar to show 'em BLAKELEI'S
tricks;
But the darned secession cusses, as it seems, were up to trap,
And we'd all have been departed coons, when at last out spoke our
cap-
Let's off from Charleston, we're getting such a warning,
Let's off from Charleston, where I don't much care to stay,
So we'll show the Seceshes how the Yankee boys can cut and ran;
A sight which I kalkilate they've seen before to-day! "
Ti repeat his words he hadn't need, for most all-fired quick,
We made back tracks from Charleston, and retreated awful slick;
While from Sumter and from Moultrie their shot came noways slow,
And told us most etarnal plain our best plan was to go,
And be off from Charleston, where we'd arrived that morning,
And be off to Charleston, and there no longer stay;
So we up steam and scuttled off, or I guess they would have
scuttled us-
Licked into a cocked hat we felt ourselves that day.
A most astounding fact it air the lickins which we git,
From those Secession rebels, though we show ourselves clear grit,
But realize the fact we must; we dih play second bigger,
A fighting' for the empire and the everlastin' nigger."
As we did at Charleston, where it was a caution,
The way we skedaddled from our enemies that day;
Performing "strategic achievements," while the Britishers
Laugh in their ignorance, and say we ran away.


_









MAY 9, 1863.]


F U I- N.


ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
THE Moon is very good-tempered; in spite of the reflections cast
upon her by the Sun, she usually shows a bright phase.
Meteorological Explosion.-ADMIlRAL FITZROY's report.
Ascension of the Son.-Sending your first-born to the top of the house,
and bidding him stay there.
Civil Time.-The time for making morning calls.
MAY.

S 3 Lecture by LenD BiOOM on behalf of the crossing.
sweepers; illustrated by an acrostic.
M 4 Introduction of a new song at the Court of Bankruptcy,
"It's FANE to tell thee all I feel," illustrating the
To 5 eccentricities of the Basinghall-street odd man."
BLODGERII opera omnia Would have rushed at the
guardian of the peace had not prudence restrained
him. He retired to his lonely lodging, where he--
The interest at this point of the thrilling history is so
great, that we must inevitably refrain from commu.
nicating it until next week.
W 6 Of all the days are in the week,
I dearly love but one day,
And that's the day, the Wed-nes-day,
Which most folks now call FuN-day.
Tn 7 Re-christening of Drury Lane Theatre, which is hence.
forward to be called Old Dreary.
F 8 Meeting of the shareholders of the Great Northern Rail-
way. Fight as usual.
S 9 Family Harvest Home. Cutting corns on acres.
THE GARDEN.
You may generally detect a young man who is sowing wild oats by
his weeds.
As the summer is coming on, see that your grapes do the same.
When ripe, don't eat too many of them, for when spelt with an "i" they
are by no means wholesome.
A Nice Vegetable for Policemen.-Beet.
Birds are very troublesome; have no larks in your garden, and
among your rows of flowers take care there is not a spare-row.
The Publican's Own Plant.-A rum shrub.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Grinders asks if a doctor is out of patients when he has cured all the
invalids under his care? Yes; but as it never happens, it don't much
matter.
Our German correspondent, who writes to say he was lost in thought
over our last number, will most probably find himself in a maze at
this.
The ordinary at Newgate is presided over by the governor, assisted
by BARON BRAMWELL and PROFrssoR CALCRAFT.
Playful Polly.-Try persuasive measures. Empty the melted butter
into his dress-coat pocket, or drop the coal-scuttle on his head as
he comes up-stairs. Delicate attentions of this kind are always
appreciated.
Stoopede.-Eating terms and swallowing your own words are not
synonymous.


LINES BY A LINESMAN.
WHEN all elections shall be pure,
When every statesman shall be true,
When railways shall be made secure,
When bills shall never be o'erdue ;
When LANDSEER'S lions shall be cast,
When the Embankment shall be built,
When vote by ballot shall be passed,
When leaverss" shall refrain from guilt;
When Dizzy shall speak simple truth,
And MONTAGUE speak common sense,
When PAn; shall cease to be a youth,
And ROEBUCK cease to take offence;
Then-but I fancy not until
All shall occur as I have said-
Then-but not one day sooner-will
The Delhi Prize Money be paid.


THE SENSATION SCENE.
Aln-"Over the sea."
Ovrn the scene, over the scone,
Cast a strong lime-light of bhlu or of green,
Over the scene, over the scene,
Cast a light coloured and strong.
Thither march, march, march
Your characters, whether
Alone or together,
Let them march, march, march
To a doom that seems hopelessly wrong.
Then, on to the scene, on to the scene,
Bring your hero by some means to make all serene;
Then sing, ho for the scene, ho! for the scene,
That keeps a piece running so long
You may owe for the scene, owe for tlie scene,
Some hundreds of pounds-if you've credit, I mean,
May owe for the sceeo, owe for the scene,
Machinists' and painters' bills long.
Say, 'tis March, March, March,
Your Christmas bills due in,
There's hope of reitewin'
From March, March, March,
Till next June, unless business go wrong.
But it's woe for the scene, woe for the soon,
If the play is a mull, for which painted it's been;
It's no go for the scene, woe fbr tho scene,
If the piece is the converse of strong.


Though we know for the scene, know for the scene,
All art, as all poetry's sacrificed been,
We'll sing, ho! for the scene, ho for the scene,
That keeps a piece running so long.
Though the march, march, march
Of intellect really
Needs better things clearly,
We'll march, march, march
In the well-worn grooves steady along.
Throw over the scene, over the scene,
That's artistic, poetic, Shakspearian, I wren,
And sing, lho! for the scone, lho! for the scene,
That's sensational, stirring, and strong!


A BARBER-OUS PROPOSITION.
THERE are some men who are by nature ubiquitous, but a huller in
certainly not among the number. That butlers are nlot nt all inclined
to become so will be perceived by a peruisal of the fillowinug reply
(how it got into our hands we are not at liberty to disclose), received
in answer to an advertisement which we subjoin:-
A BUTLER Wanted, who can shave an invalid. Wages 10, with bcor nnd
washing. Address, stating leigth of character, etc.
SIR,-I don't know whether you're awaro as to who you're
addressing, but as if you are you'll please to rokollect as a butler ain't
a flunkey, nor he ain't a barber, nor if lie wero lo wouldn't be a
hinvalid barber. Again, on the part o' my fraturnaly, I would give
you to comprehend as butlers ain't quite so far gone as to drink beer;
but since as you propose to degrade our profeshin by convurtin a
butler into a barber, it can't be looked for as that you'd understand as
to what is the real dooties of a bony friday butler, or that, as you shud
know that no butlers takes nothin but port wine, and that wo hlolp
ourselves, and dont want it as part wages. Now, sir, one word more.
You says as you wants "length of character." We don't know whether
you means an insinivatiou as that butlers in general ain't long cha-
racters, 'cos as if you do you'd better say so outright, and if you don't
you'd better ha' left it alone altogether. I've now only got to hadd
that if you insert any more this obknockshns advertisement, the lion.
Company of associated Butlers will instanter bring an action against
you to rekiver damages for definition (? defamation) of character, and
for a label on the gintlemanly profeshun of butler.-- amr, sir, your
highly indignant fellow-servant, JoNAs Hocus, M.A.B.C.
Piccadilly.

WANTED, a man of sound Protestant principles to drive a
waggon. N.B.-No teetotaller need apply. A good smoker preferred.
Apply to Mn. Wi--LL-Y, M.P.
AN ENGLISH COOK.-MRS. M1ACROASTIE,
A ScoTCH COOK.-MRS. MACKAIL.


Z_7__









F UNINT.


[MAY 9, 1863.


:BIR;IG-TONT BOA.TTIVE'~N
"YE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND, WHO LIVE AT HOME AT EASE,
Au! LITTLE DO YOU THINK UPON THE DANGER OF THE SEAS."-Old Song.


JOHN B. HUNTER, who sold him a hybrid. The fraud was exposed,
OUR PRIZE ESSAYS. and the money had to be returned by that old file of Peristerons.
No. 52.-ANOTHER BIOGRAPHICAL INTERLUDE. F-RN, FANNY.-Get along, gals! Want to know when and where
M-NH-TT-N.-Born on the banks of the River Gaboon, 1823. I was raised, don't you? Calculate you'll have to wait, maidens.
Purchased by MR. BARNUM, 1860. Exhibited in the Standard, 1863. -Sme conserable
When attacked, beats its breast violently with its paws, and utters a -GH-s, Toro AS.-Was bon during a crcket match, and accord-
hoarse roar. Is the terror of smaller monkeys. Always flies at ingly became pious and muscular. Edited Fistiana," and published
Briton. Generally gets beaten off again. Foams at the mouth about a new edition of the German mystic, TAULER. Did so because he
once a week. was taller than anyone else ; also christened.a dog Towler, in con-
L-WR-NCE, G-RGE B.-Author of "Guy Livingstone." Won sequence. His Meditations for Easter, with Thoughts on the Use of
200,000 at roulette when only oelven years of age. Tamed a fiery the Gloves," appeared in 1860, and was followed by "Dick Smith's
charger at thirteen. At fourteen, killed COLONEL PLUGER in a duel, Half-holidays." Invented a new pad, and distinguished himself at
arising out of their rivalry for LOLOTTE, an actress. At fifteen, slew the battle of Brighton. A manly piece of righteous old Anglo-Saxon
HIGcG, a plebeian, who was impertinent. Went to America in 1863. stuff, this same gentleman.
Was arrested by a Federal army under GENERAL BURNSIDE, after a K-- GSL-Y, REV. CHARLEs.-Was born where the merry brown
gallant resistance, which lasted three weeks. Imprisoned at Washing- waters of the Dart leap along under the shadows of the noble trees
ton, escaped, and endeavoured to found a new republic, on the principle of Holne. Has published works on "An Old Chalk Quarry, with
of gentlemanly superiority. Failing in this, challenged MRs. BEECHER Clinical Observations on Gravel," "The Neo-Platonists of Alexan-
STowE to single combat, and allowed her the choice of weapons. The dria," "Christian Communism," Shrimps, and their Claims," "Vac-
challengo was never accepted. In person, Mr. L. is Herculean, yet cination," Tailors and Jailers," "Drainage, with Thoughts on Tiles,"
nimble. Usually rides three horses at once; sometimes more. "The Brandy-and-Water Babies," besides numerous novels, relating
BR-DD-N, M. E.-- Bt no! Ah! well! All's well! Audley's to Hampshire, Devonshire, and South America.
well! MA.c's well! Serve him right. Hush! we ar. observed!
The dagger or the bowl!
B-CKL-ND, F. T.-Tho original proprietor of the Happy Family, NEW PARAGRAPnIS.-As 'the weddings of the aristocracy are
with which lie used to perambulate London in disguise. Has hatched chronicled under the title of "Marriage in High Life," we would
salmon ova and over again. Decided the battle of Chillian Wallagal- suggest that the demise of such persons should likewise be announced
lalihallah by a dashing charge at the head of the 2nd Life Guards. under the heading of Death in High Life."
When going into action, is always accompanied by several domestic NAVAL SKEDADDLING.-The Federals have been accompanied with
animals, most of whom are copyright. His cats are considered to be their usual success in the siege operations against Charleston; they
particularly sagacious. One of them can wag his left ear two inches have taken-themselves off!
before he knows it. MR. B. was onceimposed upon by the celebrated CLERICAL WVHITEBAIT.-Lawn.


---_---









MAY 9, 1863.]


]FUN.


But here, at last, I'm glad to say, we light upon a treasure,
HALF-A-MINUTE WITH A NEW WRITER. And a strict examination will, l'm certain, give you pleasure.
F late years the world has been look- Chorus.-Ilow how how etc.
ing for a new writer of pathos. We [Takes out the jawbone with a trowel, and hands it round.
are happy to say that he is at There, gentlemen! You'll say, I think, this specimen is famous;
Length found. Let MR. DICKENS Just see the obtuse angle made by that ascending rams,
V look to his laurels. The first work The broad and shallow sigmoid notch-I'll make a bold assertion,
of the newly-discovered genius And say-I never saw so much marsupial inversion.
appeared in the advertisingcolumns Chorus.-How how how! etc.
of the Times. We quote it entire,
merely suppressing names and It's cover'd with black matrix now, which hides of time the ravage,
addresses for obvious reasons- But I perceive it has belonged to some Australian savage;
ramely, a wish to secure his ser- Or else to ancient Esquimaux, who lived in regions Polar,
vices for this paper. And then, beside the jaw you see, I've found a perfect molar.
SEREAVMENT,thynameishal Chorus.--How! how! how! etc.
B EREAVEhTENT, thy name is Chaos I
S--Brighten. Mr. A- D- has It's very lucky; this will put an end to shilly-shally,
iS butnatural (lasO fodr love annict- As a valuable specimen it beats those of Somme Valley.
ing, butnatural (sins! for love), anuibi-
Slatin circumsancs, a moest cmfortabl First Saran (interrupting, to second ditto). How much did he say it
DWfELLING and LODGING-HOUSE.
near Blank Park. Rent, on lease, very was worth?
moderate. The octogenarian widower Second Ditto. I don't know. They only give a ha'penny a pound in
S e- ---_... a retires with a bedstcad and bedding, our neighbourhood.
'R and a few domestic reminiscences. The g
residue at valuation. Letters addressed Professor IH-xl-y (who is concealed round the corner). Va-ri.o-ty !
to Ma. A. D., auctioneer and valuer, 45, Blank-street, Blank-road, Blank, will M. de P. (starting).
receive prompt attention. What was that voice? It sounded very curious
How grand is the exordium, hinting at a chaos, cleverly worked out Ah if the bone should after all be spurious,
in the composition! How beautiful is the blending of business with Oh! heavens.
bereavement! It would require the eloquence of a KEAN (not CuAILES Enter Me. Ev--s. The savans all gather round him.
THE LEss) to deliver properly the account of the "circumstances," Lok
thus-"(with feeling) afflicting-(withl meditative melancholy) but First Sava Looe her i
natural (with tremulous expressiveness) alas forlove--(with profound SecTnd Ditto. W t c e c tis r opinion.
despair) annihilating !" Third Ditto. Ah come, give us your opinion.
despair) annihilating! "All. Do do
There is something profoundly artistic in the picture c4nred up Al. Do! do!is a great in
of the octogenarian widower. It will be observed, by the way, how Mr. Ev-ns. Science is a great invention
delicately the nature of the loss is put-of course, a woman's loss Likewise gas and also steam,
alone could raise such chaotic bereavement. We can see before us But it isn't my intention
the aged and respectable gent. become a very Hercules by force of his To take things for ht they seem.
sorrow, and retiring gracefully, and without staggering, beneath a Cote- tiddy, etc.
load consisting of an iron-bedstead, palliasse, spring-mattrass, feather- Professor H-x-ly (from round the corner). Va-ri-e-ty !
bed, bolster, four pillows, two sheets, three blankets, and a patchwork [Comes forward ad address. the savansfrom an eminence.
counterpane, in addition to his "domestic reminiscences." iENEAS Oh! listen to my science, and you all will quickly find
bearing his father from destroyed Troy is nothing compared with this How s'rimps and pennywinkles is the cradles of mankind,
stupendous spectacle. And how the simple mollusc may most naturally so-
We cannot but regret that the domestic reminiscences are not Lect himself to grow into a learned cove like mo.
more fully described, though, perhaps, a natural delicacy was silent Like me-e. Like me-o.
about the dear mementos. Yet how well would have read some such Oh! dear, it's not impiety
items as these: a looking-glass, source of melancholy reflection; To establish a variety
or an arm-chair, never again to be sat in by the departed on account Developed from a skid-a-malink to a hoop-do-dooden-doo.
of relinquishing sedentary occupations, in consequence of becoming a (A i go ,ff dancing.
cherubim ; or a dressing-table, at which the late lamented per-
formed, what Mns. Baows calls her "' twilight," which "alas is turned SCNEr 2.-The Sate Place. A great crtod of gorillas, manillas, man.
to mourning. I tillas, sarsaparillas, armnadillos, apes, ouraung-utangs, satyrs, and
We ok anxiously for a more sustained or from the same other eccentric individuals, amongst won ar several gibbons and
ll l f a e ne e th historians. They retire to the back of the stage.
brilliant pen. rQSCC i-- II. 1 t .. ...,J .. ... .- i.,,.... .,1 -..it..2.. t.,


THE BONE OF CONTENTION.
A SCIENTIFIC AND SPECIAL OPERA NOT YET COMPLETED.
ACT 1.-SCENE 1.-Abbeville. Excavations, tumu7i, strata. General
information in the background. A large jawbone A' ." .:'; from
a very deep layer in a hill cutting.
Enter M. DE P--TH-s and a Party of Savtns.
M. de P.
Gentlemen all, I've written, as you know, just to invite you
To come up here this evening to examine this, in situ,
[Points to jawbone projecting from cutting.
And help me, if you really understand the thing, to catch its
Meaning. By-the-bye, I've found no end of old flint hatchets.
Chorus.-How! how! how! what is this you're a tellin' of
us now.
They all appeared quite suddenly within this very stratum,
But of no human bones had we the vestige of a datum,
For, though we'd long made up our minds tha- soon we ought to find
'em,
The ancient natives went, it seems, and left no bones behind 'em.
Choru...-How how how! etc.
Now this, you know, was wrong of them, because it's very vexing
To.find that all one's theories have come to be perplexing.


i7"er a^ CoCwuaII i wit a Vec i s onnv uian carrUty ny c
British Standard.
D.D. (looking round).
I see an opportunity for siller,
Collected to indoctrine the gorilla.
[ The great Sat. 11. comes behind him.
D.D. Who would na' just subscrcob a poun' or two
For lighting tlim dark places of-
Sat. R. Yahoo Yahoo!
D.D. Hoot awa', mon! I'll stand upon the Bible,
Sue for your cloak and take your coat for libel.
[Points to British Standard.
Against this Standard who dare speak profanity;
It's staff-that's me--'s embodied Christianity,
And should be treated with all due humility,
Not with light jesting or direct scurrility.
Sat. R. Ha! hao! ho Ya! ha! hoo! Scur-ril-i-ty!
[Goes off laughing and pointing to the British Standard.
Great chorus of laughing hyenas, amidst which D. D. exit with aflea
in his ear in addition to the bee in his bonnet.
Scene closes with a procession of aboriginal tadpoles playing at leap.
frog over trirnphal archives.


AN AccEPTANCE AT SIGHT.-Keceiving a black eye.


_









78 N.









= -, . -\ t 1 .. .

)r -', -- -'








"
Ni I I 1 I

--.

ii


ROUGE ET NOIR.

Shoceblacikuard to Gentleman in Rcd Whiskers:-" WELL, IF YER BOOTS DON'T VWANT
BLACKING, YER 'STARCIIERS DOES, AND I'LL TOUCII 'EM UP FOR TUPPENCE, AND MAKE A
REGULAR SELL 0' YER "


[MAY 9, 1863.


THE CITY BLUE.
On! an artful cove is the London blue,
Who guardeth the city's rest!
But not so choice are his meals, 'tis true,
As the peeler's of the west;
The halls are less cheerful, the girls more coy,
The larders less choicely stor'd
With the chicken's wing and toothsome soy,
For to grace the supper board.
Wand'ring where are comforts few,
A dry old stick is the city blue!
Yet SIR RICHARD MAYNE covets he the sway,
O'er the stanch old city blue,
Though he cannot detect who 'twas by day
A poor girl recently slew;
Yet cutely he spreadeth alone the walls
His description vaguely wild,
Of the nondescript hat and neutral smalls,
And chin tuft and eyes so mild.
Scheming still, in Scotland-yard,
SIR RICHARD MAYNE is a downy card.
But although of late there has been much said
Concerning the city blue,
Yet the vaunted skill of the western-bred
Is novel rather than true;
The stanch old cit of the bygone days
Was England's brightest gem,
And better by far than the MAYNES or GREYS
He knows what is best for him.
Guard we then from modern slights,
The stanch old cit in his ancient rights.


UNIVERSITY (OXFORD) INTELLIGENCE.-
Oxford is about to elect LOED R. CECIL, LORD
CHELSEA, oranyother sufficiently well-qualified
nobody, to represent it in Parliament; vice
the RIGHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE, Chancellor
of the Exchequer, statesman, scholar, orator,
and otherwise dangerous and revolutionary,
pronounced inefficient.-(Vide Standard.)
How should a lover go into his fair one's
house ?-Always with a ring, and never with-
out a rap.
THE TRn'S"MUTATION OF SPECIES (AFTER
DARWIN).-The development of rusty bacon
from pig-iron.
GEOGRAPHICAL QUERY.-Is Sara-wak the
place for SALLY come up ? "


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
No. 35.-JArMEs Sr'ASFrLD, ESQ., M.IP.
MR. STANSFELD is an offshoot of divinity and law, for his father is a
county court judge, wlilo his mother's father was a clergyman. He
himself is a Radical-or rather was until recently. A man is often
turned by office off his original track. To many men it would be very
little welcome to have their antecedents recorded just as they have
taken a place under Government. Let us hope, however, that MaR.
STANSFELD will not prove one of those unfledged politicians who are
clamorous with their open bills until something is dropped into their
mouths. Of such place-hunters it may be fairly said that there is less of
the JOHN BULL than of the cow about them. They low and bellow with
their necks stretched over the gate that shuts them from the field of
power. But when that gate is opened, their heads are down directly,
and they graze in silence-dis-grazeful spectacles It is to be ardently
desired that the new lord of the Admiralty will not herd with these
cows in a cow-ardly manner. If he does, we hope Halifax-which is
noted for its stuff-will not stand his nonsense.
IIo was born in 1820, at the town we have just mentioned. He
began life at an eventful period-when the nineteenth century was
just about coming of ago. MR. STANSFELD was therefore born with
one advantage as a public man : he addresses himself to an era, that
listens with years of discretion. Up to this time he has exerted him-
self for the benefit of the times in which he lives without selfishness.


We trust that he will be able to rise above the temptations of office,
and still think of the epoch rather than the pocket.
Ml. STANSFELD was educated at University College, London. The
curricula of study at that seat of learning was on the BROUGHAbM
model. His lordship, always an admirer of learning, and a follower
of his NAso-where that poet says that education emollit mores-had
promoted the foundation of the college in Gowcr-street, and it must
have been in a fair way of success and activity when the subject of
this biography went there. We are not aware whether he entered at
the school which is attached to the college. If he did, there can be
little doubt that the KEY of knowledge unlocked the stores of erudition
for him. As, no doubt, the constituency of Halifax will require a
portrait of him for their town-hall, in consequence of his recent pro-
motion, we would suggest to the artist that this passage in his career
would be a happy one for illustration. He might be represented at
school, sitting on a crude form, contemplating his Clavis.
After completing his education at University College, he became a
member of the Inner Temple. He was called to the bar there in
1849. In 1859-ten short years after-tempora mutantur he changed
his temples-for that of St. Stephen's the Inner one just mentioned.
For he was elected M.P. for Halifax in that year, being connected
with the town on his father's aud on his mother's side, beside being
born there himself.
He began his career as a decided Liberal-a Radical, in short. He
I is opposed to church-rates, and a supporter of reform and an extended
I suffrage. Ho has fought long and well for the Liberal cause as an









MAY 9, 1863.] 1


independent member, and will, it is hoped, continue to do so now.
There is an old story of a Greek soldier, who, when he had no purse,
volunteered for dangerous service, but when, after being rewarded for
his bravery, he was asked to face peril again, he replied, "No, I have
not lost my purse now"-non perdidi zonam. Let not MiR. STANSFELD,
in like manner, dis-zone his former principles. He can carry out his
notions of economy to general satisfaction at the Admiralty, where
his ideas of reform might be made experiment of, in corpo vili, on
the wooden-headed Board.
We would suggest to him one economy which he might take up in
the Admiralty-the economy of human lives. Harbours of refuge are
much wanted along our coast, especially off Flamborough Head,
Yarmouth, and Robin Hood's Bay. A "saving" might be effected
here which would meet with universal approval. To erect these
havens is the least that Government can do to protect our sailors. It
ought to do what the Lifeboat Association is doing too, but the work
is so efficiently performed by the society, and would be so jobbed and
neglected in official hands, that it is best as it is. But the con-
struction of harbours of refuge is a duty which the Government owes
the country, and we would draw the attention of the Liberal Lord of
the Admiralty to the question.
MR. STANSFELD is a very excellent speaker, and is therefore a
welcome addition to the ministry, which is rather weak in oratory as
a rule. He was once a fierce tribune, who dealt hard blows at the
sitters on the Treasury Bench. It is but fair, however, to say that
ho has been less severe of late; though, of course, it is impossible to
say how much of the growing gentleness arose from the fact, that
fervour gets chilled by the shade which is cast by coming events.
MR. STANSFELD has earned a high repute as a public man-liberal,
high-minded, and patriotic. He is now on his trial, and it will be for
future historians to say whether, when placed on the board, he
exhibited the same purity of sole, or displayed some of the spots of
plaice, as the result of his of-fish-al appointment.



MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT.
THE chief talk, as I guess,
Is just now, more or less,
How they christened her small Royal Highness of Hesse
They gave her a sprinkle,
Which made her eyes twinkle,
With water brought specially over the seas
By her uncle, on board an
H.M. ship from Jordan,-
'Twas not to be sneezed at, but yet she did sneeze,
And open her eyes,
As if in surprise
That we cross our small Hesses as well as small "t's."
I much doubt, though, if justice were done to her claims
In giving her scarce half-a-dozen of names.
How did they contrive
To choose her but five?
'Twas surely some oversight, blunder, or slip,
Or she'd had her "long sixes" as well as her dip."
It appears to have lately occurred to our QUEEN
That the Heir, who's Apparent, should often be seen;
Or, perchance, she perceived that one heir it was proper a
Few other airs should go hear at the opera.
So he with his bride,
Denmark's rose, by his side,
At the end of last month to the Garden did ride,
To hear (or to see,
Whiche'er it may be,
But I think 'tis perhaps for the ear in the main meant),
What AUBER has writ for the world's entertainment,
About a low fellow
Called Masaniello;
Of Naples was he, in the fisherman's line,"
Where with solos "fine sole, oh! he used to combine,
And competing with nets againstt the upper-class silks,
Hawked about Revolutions, sprats, liberty, whelks! "
But at length, having risen
To what wasn't his'n,"-
Imperial spendour-for daring to dim it, he,
As must be well known,
Was thrown from the throne-
What a fall !-by a drop of "corrosive sublimity."


N 79


The opera and ballet by GYE thus provided,
Their highnesses, so nMis. G. says, on-GYE did:
Indeed, 'twas remarked, that thiey showed pretty plain
That AUUER they'd like to see ober" again.


Across the Atlantic,
The frantic gigantic,
Wild nation of Rowlies, has struck a now antic ;
They appear to have held a now council of Tront,
For WILKES once again to insult us is sent.
SMad Yankees you'd best not go on in this manner!
If you irritate us
"Tarnal Britishers" thus,
A new version you'll learn of the "star-spangled banner,"
By becoming the startled and painful behollders
Of the stars-in your eyes, and the stripes-on your shoulders.
Yes, 'tis coming, no doubt,
To a war Thero-it's out!
Ho! JACK light the match, draw the cutlass, and shou.,
"UNCLE SAM, you old lubber, mind what you're about."
Well! war if it must bo;-and better by far,
Than this hollowest peace, the loud thunder of war.
Best strike and be free,
On the land, on the sea,
Though costly and cruel the struggle may be.
Better bear with the cure, short, decisive, and sharp,
Than the long, slow disease :
Vain, with men such as these,
On honour, truth, decency, freedom to harp-
Their morals, minds, intellects, soul,, aro a-warp.
To the Yankee cars hark,
How they snarl and they bark!
To make them a dog-show were sure the best plan,
They are quite, wretclied elves,
Black onougl of themselves,
And, as for the rest-we'll provide them with tan !
Then stand to your guns, lads, for never, say we,
Shall Old England be shamed on the land or the sea !


POLICE INTELLIGENCE.
THE X division of Metropolitan Police gave a private concert last
night. We love music and respect the force ; therefore we feel doubly
interested in the recent spread of harmony aniongst lthe mioeibers of
it. From information received, we proceeded to the appointed placo
in plain clothes, not having any good-looking ones by us.
The room was crowded, the highest number present being 387
(which we observed on a collar).
We entered in time to hear Mothor, be plroud of your boy in llo "
exquisitely sung by No. 257. Every bar showed that le lhadl ooen
brought up to it. Ho acquitted himself admirably, and the audioone
was transported. His other song, Wo mt, 'twas in a crowd, and 1
thought he would shun me," was equally artistic.
But the great feature of the concert was the pianoforto playing of
No. 302. He came down upon the keys as if they were skeletons.
His q6ick movement-a lively subject with a running nccomnpalnirlcnt
-was very captivating. His tremolo passages are a little shaky, but
we think he will be very successful in the long run.
A syinphony by HAYDN (of the dotectivo forco), was finely played;
each movement being taken up with great spirit. T'he genllotnian
who held the bdton was very steady in his ueat, though it seemed a
little slow now and then.
No. 272 showed himself quite at home in a :implo aria. His
rendering of "Tell me, Mary," was irresistible.
In fact, all the singers were provided with suitable staves, and somei
of them made decided hits. Two or three catches were very nicely
performed.
At a late hour the meeting broke up, and some of the pieces were
uncommonly pretty.


A NATURAL CoNSEQUENCx.-When we remark, It's as long as it's
broad," we may safely conclude it is all square.
A CooL QUESTION.-What root does iced punch resemble ?-Liquor-
ice, of course.
LATEST BETTING.-The laying of the March dust" by the "April
showers."
A LronT SUPPER.-A Chineso feast of lanterns.
OPEN TO COIIIECTION.-A boy with a kilt.


__









80 ]




i+1vlr Tij


T 7UT N.


[MAY 9, 1863.


TI1E= OTLIC ATID TErZE, EUP BLIC.
AN IDYLL OF TIHE STREETS.


(Srwains: Acis, 299; Philemon, 11.)
Philemon.-Good-morrow to thee, Acis, thou whoso number lacketh
but one of three hundred.
Acis.-Philemon, my fere and fellow, thou who tremblest on the
critical margin of a dozen, welcome t
Philemon.-Me, as I paced my midnight beat, a sudden thought
saluted. What time the waggoner, driving in from Kentish pastures,
bringoth unto the market of the convent of the garden his unac-
customed fruits-
Acis.-What time the belated patrician, leaving the hills of PADDY
GREEN, mutters in doubtful accents his incorrect address to cabmen,
regardless of time---
1'hilemon.-An' thou mockest me, 0 A 299, I will crack thy
cockscomb for theeo!
Acis.-I was ebullient; I am silent. (Is so.)
Philcmon.-Minerva, thanks To mo, thus pacing, there came a
sudden thought. Let us, O my Acis (whose number is 299), com-
mune together.
Acis.-Governor, right you are!
Philemon.-White-handed is the nymph that loves me; children,
beautiful as Cupid, are in her charge; on the margin of murmuring
waters, where wild fowl throng, I met her. Oh! Hymen, Hymen!
Acis.-Gammon! gammon! Mo also did the winged one assail.
Chloe, whose face is ruddy as the sun, loveth me, Acis, even me! Oh!
Hymen, Hymen!
Philemon.-Not untroubled are our lives, 0 Acis! Once the
bull, wildly impetuous, chased me through crowded streets!
Acis.-Me, whilst I sang of Chloe, urchins mockingly saluted.
Philenmon.-With vilipendious terms am I for evermore accosted as
Bobby, Peeler, Crusher.
Acis.-Nor unto meis the question seldom put, whether my mangle
hath been sold, whether my mother (even Daphne, the keeper of a
cook-shop) knoweth that I'm out.
Philemon.-Hard, truly, are our lives! Weary our wanderings!
My legs are weak !


Acis.-IIow is your poor feet P
Philemon.-Thanks, Acis, for thy kindly question. Sore are they;
nor with corns utterly untroubled; and yet, I wot, thou dreamest
little, O my Acis, whither I am going on Sunday.
Acis.-Art thou going down the river in a cab ?
Philemon.-Excellent. Butnay-the morning draweth on. Already
bright Phcobus (that god of day) shineth upon the street. Let us, I
prythee, liquor.
Acis.-Never have I been deaf to such a call; but for the present
I lack means. Ha! I have it! I will prowl about the halls where
swells and nobles dine. Should I see one approaching, whose white
tie betokeneth that he hath fed, him will I threaten to arrest, so that he,
haply fearful of exposure, may give me a crown. W
Philemon.-The day is yet young. Thy plan, O Acis, 299, is pre-
mature Let us take up a vendor of Pomone's fruit--
Acis.-Or some one with light hair, weak eyes, and of a moderate
stature.
Philemon.-Saying that he is a murderer ?
Acis.-Even so, my Philemon.
Philemon.-See, he comes!
[Exeunt, arresting MR. J. L. TOOLE, by the kind permission of
BENJAMIN WEBSTER, EsQ.

The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the THIRD Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
The FIRST and SECOND Volumes of FUN are still on sale; and the
whole of the back numbers have been reprinted.


Printed and Published (for the Prrcrietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Fleet-street, E.O.-Msy 9, 1863.









MAY 16, 1863.]


1FUN lT.


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Comnmtunicatedt by a Neunilier of the Arch-l-g-c-1 Society.



01_o -,J



~I \I i j


THE STRAND.-(Concluded.)
ONE of the most curious things that existed in the Strand of former
days was the Cross, where, in very early times, according to STOWE, who
has bestowed an account of the transactions on us, the justices itinerant
sat to administer doses of law to those moral patients who were considered
to need that expensive and uncertain remedy. These vagrant judges,
though they settled disputes in various places, never settled long in any
one, and were, in fact, a species of wandering minstrels, who went about
playing tunes on the harp of justice. After the disappearance of the Cross,
the famous Strand Maypole was erected on its site, which, every May-day,
was crowned with flowers, the young men and maidens dancing round it,
and enjoying a perfect round of pleasure. But when the Puritans came in
pleasure went out, and the Maypole was cut down; for they thought that
" tripping on the light fantastic toe was a first step to tripping in morals,
and one assuredly ending in an ultimate trip to a climate generally
regarded as far more hot than healthy. Religion with them meant
moroseness, and a laugh was one of the seven deadly sins, so we may
thank our good luck that we don't live in those uncomfortable times, or the
career of a certain joker residing in Fleet-street would have been as short
as MR. ROEBUCK's temper or a shepherd-dog's tail. At the Restoration,
when CHARLEs II. came over the sea and the people of England both at
once, a new Maypole was set up in the Strand with extraordinary honours,
wine flowing in streams out of hogsheads and into asses' heads, and other
popular tomfooleries usually supposed to denote rampant hilarity. It was
at last removed to make way for the church of St. Mary, and the polo
itself was presented by the churchwardens of the parish to SIm ISAAC
NEWTON, who is generally considered as a very grave philosopher, since he
found out the law of gravity by the fall of an apple, and modern science
has now the 'uit of his study.
In Essex House the EARL OF EssEx played his last stake to regain the
favour of QUEEN ELIZABETH, the only result of which was a chop to follow
on Tower-hill. It appears that this misguided nobleman, by constantly
flattering the queen, and dropping bits of paper about the palace for her
to find, with I love my love with an E, because she's elegant, her name's


ELIZABETHr and she lives in England," etc., and similar rubbish
written on them, had become a great fitvourito with her iow
passic majesty, till at last lie fancied he could take any liberties
he pleased. But, to use a Yankee expression, he piled the agony
up a lectlo too high, and came back from Ireland, whither lie hdl
been sent as governor, without leave, jocularly exclaiming, as lie
burst into the queen's bedroom, "llero we aro again!" elo
fancied that positively his first appearance after his Hlibernian
tour would have proved a tremendous hit, and was proportionably
disappointed at the coolness of the reception that awaited him.
Her Majesty was in extreme di.islaille (her wig--her only hair
apparent-and teeth were both lying on the table), and his cool
reception was speedily followed by some very warm language otn her
part, and she finally wound up the audience by giving the earl a box
on the ear, which he at once discovered to be a very wrong box, and
that lie had got into it. Sihe ordered himi to return to his own
house and stay thero, which lhe did. Leaving nothing to do lint
flatten his nose against his own window-panes, he naturally found
the amusement slightly tedious after a while, so lie determined
to get up a grand sensation scene on his own account by way of
variety. To determine with the impetuous earl was to tct, lnd
he rushed into the Strand, crying out that the queen was
betrayed by evil counsellors, and called on the citizens to aid hiim,
but they, instead of taking to arms, only took to thlir lgs.
EssEx, finding that his ellffts to get lup a revolution were only
met with derisive shouts of Go homo Shut u) and similar
unpleasant remarks, at last followed the advice so liberally given,
and retired to Essex House, giving orders to his followers to liar
up the doors and windows, in the vain hope that by these nimans
he might escape being brought to the bar of justice. The queen,
however, sent her soldiers, the new police not being then invented,
who first laid siege to the house and then laid hold of the earl,
who, having committed himself by his rash deeds, was com-
mitted to the Tower, and finally tried and beheaded, his lifo
and person being both much shortened by a single blow.
To attempt to place a complete word-picturo of all the events
and places for which the Strand is and has been famous into a
column of FUN would be about as hopeless a task as to attempt
to cram St. Paul's into Leicester-square, so our readers must be
content with the small sketch we have given them of some of the
events, and they must draw on their own heads for the rest, where
we hope the demand will be promptly honoured without any
unpleasant check.


THE STREET-SELLER'S SONGSTER.
CATCH 'EM ALIVE I
Arn-" Ever of thee."
CATCI 'em alive! I'm loudly screaming,
My welcome voice your spirits should cheer,
Now that the flies are thickly teeming;
Shiny and sweet are the papers I smear.
Such is the art with which I make 'em,
Every bluebottle and fly sticks, you see;
Ah if you're really anxious to take 'eci,
Can you forget how cheap you buy of me ?
Ha'penny each, or tuppence for fivo,
Loudly l'm screaming, Catch '0e alive !"
Yes, loudly I'm screaming, Catch 'eil alive '
Catch 'em alive one ha'pciny ony "
Wandering afar, mny pnper I sell ;
Oh! do not say 'tis too much money,
Small is the profit it brings, I can tell;
First, I've to buy the shots I garnish,
Turpentine then my next purchase must be;
Ah! not to mention rosin or varnish,
Can you forget how dear they aro to me ?
Iia'penny each, or tuppence for five;
Loudly l'm screaming, Catch 'em alive!"
Yes, loudly I'm Ecreaming, Catch 'eml alive "


H-II-l-'T MAn."-The KING or PlIr:ssIA is thoroughly repre-
sented by his ministers. COsNT OIto1.IA, his ambassador at the
Hague, and M. DE KAUNITr at ]omel, have both been declared
mad. If they had only stopped at homo with VON lIStMeai, it
would not have been noticed. Wo may observe, by the way,
that although KING WILLIAM is currently reported to hlave lost
his head," it is not the one recently discovered at Abbeville.


VOL. IV.


I


~41


I









FU TT.


VERY CONSIDERATE.
T the Cambridge police-court last
F: week two undergraduates were
; brought up for creating a disturb-
S. i ance in a Roman Catholic chapel,
(,' and assaulting the constables who
were called in to remove these un-
^- ruly gentlemen (?). The magis-
trates refused to administer a fine,
but committed them to prison for
S seven days; but, "on account of
---'" -various circumstances," omitted the
V ''' hard labor, of which, however, they
admitted the offenders were descrv-
mnl E! er since we read the
account we have been trying to
Scguess v.-1iat tlhce "' various circum-
stances" could have been which
i prevented the provincial Dogberries
from properly punishing these
respectable roughs. At the twelfth
hour we believe we have discovered
what they are. We first thought
the nimgistrates were afraid that
the hands, strong enough, maybe,
S to blacken the eye of an unoffending
policeman, or knock down an ob-
structive bargeman, were yet too
Tender to sive the mysteries of
oakum : or that probably as Pro-
testants they partially sympathized
with these zealous, if erring, lambs of Alna Miater; but each of these
suggestions were in turn rejected, and we finally concluded that the
mental exertions to which Cambridge students are accustomed, must
be of so exhausting a nature that any mere physical labour would be
but as a pleasant relaxation in comparison, and no aggravation of the
punishment to which they were condemned : hence the omission.
Who shall henceforth speak of justices' justice in terms of deprecia-
tion ?


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN,
No. 37.-- T. HoN. EDWARD CARDWEr.L, M.P.
MR. CAnDWE.LL is the son of a Liverpool merchant, and by mere
chance lias obtained a distinguished position in Parliament. It is
almost a pity that he relinquished commercial pursuits for political
ones, for although ih is seated on the Treasury Bench, the elevation
only induces one to raise the question of his fitness for so high a post.
His good fortune is that luck, it would seem, which is known among
cnrd-p!ayers as bungler's luck; for his success is rather due to the
good hand he hell, than to his playing a card-well. In fact, the leap
lie las mnde in the Iouseo should, perhaps, be scored as "two for his
l-i'ls instead of one for his nob."
te was born in 1183, probably at Liverpool-at all events, we may
'i.ly say, somewhere else, if not there. Don does not record tihe
plaeo whero lie first saw the light, being less concerned to record his
birth than his herths in aft',r-life.
The Ui iver-ity of Oxtord was his Alhma Mater, and, perhaps, did not
think herself the mother of small beer when he took a double first
there,. He was a scholar (and subsequently fellow) of Balliol College
-a college always noted for the number of clever men it brings out
of the schools, and the number of foolish ones it sends into the world.
It is too often true as regards those who distinguish themselves in
the schools, that, when from the "classes" they achieve, you have
taken tihe C.L. to add to the D of the Degree, the remainder exactly
describes what they are. These honours, we may observe, were
tiken by MR. CARDWELL in 1835.
SAfter having thus doubled, he went through his form of keeping
S-rtmns at the Temple. Having at length eaten the requisite dinners
with ordinary ability, and drur.k the prescribed wine with more than
ordinary courage, considering how bad it was, he was called to the
bar of the Inner Temple in 1838. Many of his friends regret that he
did not adopt the bar as a profession, for they considered his appearance
would have been in his favour. It is probable that even with his wig
on he would have appeared well-read. But he was not contented
until he entered Parliament,-for which if the Honse of Commons did
not, in spite of its name, require uncommon men-lie would have
been eminently fitted. As it is, he fills a place, which might be occu-
pied with more advantage to the country by another.


[MAY 16, 1863.


His first appearance in the House was as the representative of a
not very important place called Clitheroe, in Lancashire, for which he
was seated on petition-a petty affair altogether. For this borough
he sat until lb47, when he was elected for Liverpool, most likely on
account of his family connexi In with that city. But his family con-
nexion did not long maintain his friendly relations with-his constituents.
In 1852 he was a candidate for election at Liverpool, and afterwards
in Ayrshire, but was not returned for e'err a one" of them. The
city of Oxford, however, in 1853 sent him back to St. Stephen's, and
he was returned for it until April, 1857, when he was defeated. In
the June subsequent, he made his peace with the town again, and has
been its M.P. ever since, having once defeated an opponent in W. M.
TIACKERAY-a defeat rather honourable to the latter. After its
having so long returned a CARDWELL, the only honour left for Oxford
to show a THACKERAY was to reject him, as not being a fitting repre-
sentative.
We may mention that MR. CAIRWELL has a family connexion with
Oxford as well ns Liverpool, for his uncle is principal of St. Alban's
Hall, and governs the one man on the books of that collegiate institute
with great judgment.
MR. CAIDWELL is a Liberal-Conservative, "in favour of civil and
religious liberty,"-which is, no doubt, much indebted to him for his
valuable support,-and an upholder of "Protestant Education." He
is opposed to the ballot, probably from a conviction that it would be
the wrong box for him.
He has been tolerably lucky in obtaining office. He was Secretary
to the Treasury from February 1845 till July 1846; President of the
Board of Trade in the Coalition Cabinet from December '52 till Feb-
ruary '55. In 1859 he was made Secretary for Ireland, but was so
little fitted for the post, that at the earliest opportunity-July '61-he
was shelved practically as Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, with
the comfortable salary of 2,000 per annum.
Of his style of speaking little need be said; having nothing brilliant
to say, he says it in a suitable manner. He is reported to be "a good
man of business "-a phrase which, applied to a statesman,-conveys
the same faint praise, as a "good-natured fellow" does, when applied
to an ordinary individual.
MIi. CAiVDWELL is, however, still a young man comparatively as a
politician, and may yet achieve distinction as he has already achieved
plage. At least, it cannot be denied that he is "a man of great
promise "-for it is not easy to point to any performances of his that
makes a forfeiture of that title.


BALAKLAVA IN THE QUEEN'S BENCH.
AIn-"Not a drum was heard."
NOT a deed was done in that blundering charge,
Ere his horse to the rearward he hurried;
Like a truant, when ending his day at large,
He came back to his post rather flurried.
He buried most grimly his dread of fight,
The turf with his charger's hoofs spurning
But the "head quarter's letters" have brought to light
A distinction not worth the earning.
Short and sharp were the statements made,
And those were writ rather in sorrow ;
But yet steadfastly, solemnly, CALTLHORPE has said
Some queer things it's not safe to borrow.
For years his lordship confined his wrath,
Nor in law nor on duelling ventured,
But kept still till KINGLAKE 'gan to bring forth
Books, in which lie well knew he'd be censured.
He thought as he lay on his f- ather-bed,
With head upon downy pillow,
"Some steps I must take ere the book be read,
Or writ by that plain-spoken fellow !
Or sneering they'll speak when death's hand shall quench
My spirit (if I've any in me !)
So CALTHOitPE I 11 wreck in the court of Queen's Bench,
If the big-wigs only befriend me."
But half the tardy task is done,
For the rule there's a chance of discharging;
Though Printing House-square claims a victory won,
In leaders on fiction enlarging!
Smiling and hopeful we wait results,
At our offic-, in Fleet-street, so FuN-ny;
Mny the ri hteius prevail, and the one who insults
Truth's majesty, forfeit his money.


~









M'Y 16, 1863.] r TUT N


ALMANACK AND DIARY. TO CAPITALISTS.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES. O- fre quently it happens that u
THE Pleiades were seven young ladies who were placed in the heavens, I nhllitly en' rIeunmin uinhlieviid,
where they formed a gal-axy of stars. ; iving to he turning up "l ","-
The star under whose influence shoemakers are born is Boot-es./ t' erly iot"'leplll 'o illeldi'menl
Scientific. Game.-Fancy yourself the Sun ; set in a west window with ita critical moment. Th ire ar
a revolver by your side; cast reflections on your friends in various lzus of instan'cs ol the tII .h 0of
degrees; when tired, for a change give your younger brother a this ill 11to verylay's Ti ,'s. Hllro
blow on the head as a sun-stroke, and then tell him it was occi- / is Tio of IIIT:-
dental. A:Iierlisir
/ has vnhimble iphtentd Im/ac 'hilnery
t tlwhich ri ulitlres t20 III I tI p It o ii I pr -
MAY. ticsl opetratinll. 11,. \\il rcurn s,'el V ral
h n1111dreFdol Ip r ctl Iupol( tI I t: I('
10 Introduction of a new service into the Establishment by employed. 1"y h rled |ii,
the EMPEROR OF CHINA, assisted by LoRD EBURY. Il h litd I Ii .iIy.. u\. 1'
M 11 Feast of Cornish wreckers. Vivat wrecks, and no money imaen ........ .
returned on any consideration whatever. tonlls oI ............. I .
Tu 12 NousrevenonsanossBLODGEUs.-Went to sleep,anddreamed Now jist cont, plntl (lhe ruin-
he had boiled his rival's eyes in a patent hydrostator, ous ellil t of tIl want of' ,1200
and presented them to ANGELINA, who, overcome by upo n a ml ighy 1undr1ltaking. For
the thoughtful affection thereby displayed, had sworn lth leck of it, a (qniitliy of valuimabl
to be his, when- The rest of this extraordinary dream patented nmcliiniry is ltilgnll ;
is so horrible that common humanity warns us to the proprieto is lh.-il, n IIIIual
desist in time. income ul'sevvral iuilr'ed per c(nl.
W 13 Fleet-street illuminated by the scintillations of wit from onhisoutlay; several thusalh Ios
the new number of FUN. iof iron remain in ilth pig, involving
Tit 14 Removal of the London statues to Guy's Hospital. in coulllllln ruill, 1no dtliul, mIost, of
F 15 Amateur theatricals at the Divorce Court. The Constant our leading iron mining companies ; the consumers of the lrt i10
Couple, a 'hrce.; to be followed by Did you ever send made" are'getting fruntLic. And ill for 200. Can't the advertiser
your wife to Sir Cresswell ? raise the money on the valuable patented miiachincry ? lls he never
S 16 Lecture at St. James's Hall. "How, when, and what-to heard of a bill of sale ? Why, we know a loan-ollieo (by sight only,
prig," by a groom of the stole. of course) where sums varying from 3s. Gd. to 2,000 nar lent on
personal security. Now we will, for a slight commission, bring J. A.
THE GARDEN. and our loan-office together. There's a way out of your dilliculty,
A nice fruit for this time of year are melons. In the autumn J. A.! Take our advice; set the valuable patented mchliinery at
a pleasant variety may be obtained at the English Opera, called the work, put several (say eight) hundred per cent. into your breeches
Alf-redl mellon. pocket, restore to the shareholders confidence in their mining coim-
Female gardeners are in future to be called mow-lasses. panics, and bring joy homo to the hearths .of the consumers of the
If your grounds want draining, the proper person to apply to is article made.
DEAN TRENCil; he will also supply early English roots, if asked: but
for she-roots MR. GLADSTONE must be consulted. The only plant
admitted to Exeter Hall during the May meetings are holy-anders. ROYAL ACADEMY EXHIBITION.
Artichokes.-MR. CALCUArr is the chief licensed purveyor of these
soothing plants. A recommendation, however, from one of the TIj Art-Corporation has opened its sihow. Walk, u, bo in im, e
judges, countersigned by the sheriff, is necessary, without which he just began s If you've been, gi again; if' you h.iv not b ewn, goi
is unable to administer a hearty-choke to any one.emak a ru 1'u whh y'll u
How to Procure lMushroomis.-Walk on to Salisbury Plain, where price of a bukn.
you aS have as mush room as you like. Silt EDWIN, the Mighty, keeps out tf tlhe way. They say lh'l at
you can have as mush room as you like. Lyons (a ZouffM. Wo are only repeating wlit somo peole Hav, win,
Should there be cold weather, cover your plants with mats; if Lyons (a laughh. We are only repeating what som lieople say, wiho
these are unobtainable, get hold of a French sailor, a regular zqat-lot. are given too freely to chaff, by half; which is rather the way with
The STANFIELDS are glorious; so are the1 HOOKS. On tlhat phint ll
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. judges agree. There's no spoiling the boiling with to( mnllly ('Co(,:S,
Lawyer.-The proper position in which to make a declaration of for none can paint better the sea than lie. Of coastal paint'ori thoso
affection is best explained by the Latin proverb, "Knee suitor ultra are tle three.
crepidani." That subject by MILLAIS, so garish and green, provokes an occa-
Ossian Dante Briggles.-You are mistaken in the quotation, it runs sional jeer; of course it's the Eve of St. Agnes we ,iiiin. Though
thus:- 'tis of a character queer, we fear that work is excessivily dear.
When lovely woman tries to folly The picture of BONY, by young MAlcus STON,:, dHserves all the
The various fashions of the day, praise it has had. So fine in conception, in texture, and tono, 'twill
Oh! don't it make her husband jolly make the Academy mad, egad to lie so outstrilpled by a hld.
To find the tin her bills to pay. To CALDERON, YEAnES, and the young A I. I u. nil, we hler(by the
Him Doo.-While beating their wives, Indian husbands always wear compliment pay of rolling all three into one umtios vir; which we
bang-gals. i hope is as much as to say that they, will each achieve greatness some
Putty Face.-PROFESSOR AIRY was not weaned on Macassar oil. day.
The "Mission of Woman" is taught us by HICKS, in tripnrtito
form, and to him we cry, "Brayvo, HICKS! for in spite of his
tricks, he can colour when lie's in the whim; no grim design suits
WORSE AND WARSAw.-The day of the commencement of the his manner so trim.
Russian Easter festivities, eight political prisoners were hanged, and Then LEIGHTON another stop forward has made; and 'irrlluII,, of
four others shot in the citadel of Warsaw. We-have heard of Easter course, you'll admire; and likewise Farril, PICKKIRSGILL, GOOlDLL,
eggs, but never until now of Easter eggsecutions, and we would warn and FAED, who have grown till they cannot grow higher. What dire
the Russians that these sorts of eggs may have explosive shells con- misfortune were they to retire !
nected with them, which may demolish the Russian yoke as well as The great HOGARTH picture by SALA-no, WAln-(it's all the samo
every wight in the citadel. Such barbarities as those we have just thing, as you'll see), a topic of general talk will afford in Coram-stroot,
reported are well fitted for Dahomey or Timbuctoo, but are disgraceful W.C., where the Foundling Hospital takes children free.
-indelibly disgraceful-to the name of a nation, professing to hold Then leaving the other attractions untold-rough ANSDoia, and
Christian festivals. If the old cry of Christianos ad leones" were DousoN the sleek; with HERBERT the timid, and lonht rrs the bold, of
raised in their case, we fancy the lions would stand little chance whom we have no time to speak, this week-we finish the present
against such savage Christians." critique.









IFI F [MAY 16, 186G3.










,A- -.







--~ ?




I~- j-iji-l- 1 =
-I- ------

































OLD MR. WALTON, COMPLACENTLY CONTEMPLATING AN ASSEMBLAGE OF TADPOLES, THINKS THAT A GREAT PORTION OF THE PLEASURE DERIVED
FROM ANGLING IS DUE TO THE OPPORTUNITIES AFFORDED OF STUDYING TIHE HABITS AND INSTINCTS OF THE LOWER ANIMALS."


MY NOVEL.
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. I.
AUUSTUS HAIRRINGTON was the lineal
descendant of poor but honest parents. His
father earned a livelihood by removing the ac-
cumulated secretions of metropolitan chimneys,
while his mother strove to endow the shirts
and collars of the neighbourhood with a portion
of the rigid inflexibility which marked her own
conduct in life.
Often in the intervals of her laborious but
remarkably wholesome profession, she would
endeavour to impress upon her idolized
AUGUSTUS a few of those axiomatic postulates
which seemed calculated to make him a good
man as well as a great one.
Gus she observed, in one of these affect-
ing interviews, "remember that the crust
which refreshes honest poverty is, morally
speaking, more palateable than the sponge-cake
and sherry of iniquitous opulence Then-
with a touching allusion to her own profession
-she continued : And, to the well-constituted
mind, my AUGUSTUS, conscious Rectitude re-
volving its mangle is a nobler object than Vice
reposing in marble halls, with vassals and serfs
by its side! "
.'To all such observations AUGUSTUS would


=








OLD MR. WALTON WISHES THE LOWER
ANIMALS FURTHER.


respond,, with a glance of intense trustfulness,
"Yes, Ma!"

VoL. II.
No sooner had the Rivulet of Yonth become
absorbed in the Ocean of Manhood, than the
fervid soul of AUGUSTUS HARRINGTON pined for
sympathy. He loved!
The LADY BLANCHE NEVILLE was, in sooth, a
peerless creature, and her beauty hung upon
the cheek of Night like an expensive bijou sus-
pended from the ear of an Ethiopian serenader.
The effiminate scions of a corrupt aristo-
cracy sought towin a smile from LADY BLANCHE ;
and, lo! instead of the gushing smile of sym-
pathy, they encountered the bitter smile of
aversion and contempt I
Such was the being AUGUSTUS HARRINGTON
madly loved But sometimes, in his blissful
reveries, a hideous doubt would intrude, like a
noxious earwig sullying the petals of the rose,
and whisper, "Is thy love returned ? "
This fearful thought nearly goaded him to
madness, and he resolved either to ascertain
the true state of LADY BLANCHE'S feelings or
perish in the attempt.
Preferring the former course, he sought the
mansion of the NEVILLES, and succeeded in ob-
taining a temporary engagement in a menial
capacity.












VoL. III.


I


87 7


"Fire! Fire!! Fire! !"
'Tis a fearful cry to startle the silence of night How much more
fearful when we have reason to fear that those we love are in peril.
But we will not anticipate.
All was mirth and revelry in the mansion of the NEVILLES! The
most illustrious members of our nobility glided through the sumptuous
apartments, or threaded the mazes of the waltz. Title after title was
announced by the pampered menial at the door. That pampered
menial is of a noble bearing, i'faith He hath the curls and calves of
a young Apollo Dost recognize him, reader ? Hush!
The LADY BLANCHE is there in all her beauty! Under that gay
exterior, perchance-but psha! away with the sad thought, and let
us to the dance again.
The festal scene is o'er, and the last coroneted chariot has rolled
away from the mansion of the NEVILLES. AUGUSTUS (known, alas !
as JEAMES) seeks his lowly couch at last. His heart beats high
beneath his scarlet waistcoat, for something tells him that the LADY
BLANCIHn is still free. Softly murmuring, She is mine !" the pre-
tended footman prepared for slumber.
Fire! Fire!! Fire!! !
AUGUSTUS leaped from his couch and rapidly donned his hated livery.
BLANCHE in danger The thought was madness.
He approached the window and looked out. A mass of terrified
faces, all gazing upward, at once told him the fearful story. The
mansion of the NEVILLES was bathed in flames !
The smoke blinded him for a moment, as he fled dubiously along
the corridors. Ha! what scream was that ? To burst open the door,
to seize his lovely burden, to bear her swiftly down the blazing stair-
case, and to batter down the street-door with a blow of his fist-for
he had no time then to undo the chain-was a moment's work.
Some people in the crowd brought water, for she had fainted. See,
she revives! She sweeps back the long tresses that had fallen over
her pallid features !
Heavens and earth! It cannot be And yet-Furies! The upper
housemaid!
AUGUSTUs HAnaINGTON is now an inmate of Colney Hatch!
FINIs.


MATRIMONY ACROSS THE COUNTER.
MATRaiONY being the great puzzle of life, it is entertaining to watch
a few eccentric parties adopting their own method of solving the
difficulty. We have under our thumb a couple of peculiar specimens
of a large class; in the one case, a lady, bold in tho possession of an
income, gets up in the columns of a newspaper-a penny paper of
wide circulation-and cries aloud for wealthy widowers. We append
her requirements :-
TO WEALTHY WIDOWERS ONLY, of good temper.-A lady wishes to
meet with the above; willmeet, if favoured to make her own appointment.
Dulwich district preferred.--Address, stating ago and income, h. B., etc.
Of good temper; what a charming proviso Imagine a scene.
Appointment for seven p.m.; gas lighted in th( drawing-room; M. B.,
in anxious expectation, continually running to the window; a double
knock; he enters. MADAME B., I believe," insinuates the visitor.
"Ah! Q. X.! am I right?" "The same." A moment of divine
indecision; they rush into one another's arms; M. B. faints, and at
this inopportune interruption to a most romantic scene, Q. X. flies
into a rage. The lady awakes, sees the wild apparition before her,
invokes her dear departed (for it is to be presnumed that she is a widow),
and shows Q. X. the door. Enchanting denoioment!
Once more; in this instance the advertiser is a gentleman:-
TO LADIES.-A single gentleman wishes to meet with a lady to join him in
business, with 200 or 300.-Address, M i. T. i., etc.
What infinite delicacy! what superb modesty! Will you marry
me ? is too rude a question, shocking to the nerves of single gentle-
men in wantof 200 or 300. The proposition to join in business "
embraces everything, and renders explanation unnecessary : the 300
may be supposed to include fixtures, wedding-rilg, a fiw nicknicks
for dear T. R.-trifles so trifling, that to mention them would be absurd.
And people really expect to get spliced" in this fashion. .Spinsters
and singIe gentlemen, wealthy and poor widows and widowers, take a
word of advice-leave the newspapers to vendors of crockery and
pomatum; ladies who can't get married should take advantage of
leap year and ask; and as for a single gentleman who can't get a wife
to suit him, he certainly isn't worth giving from 200 to 300 for.

CHURCH RATES.-A rent that is always widening between the
Church and the people.


MAY 16, 1863.]


THE LEARNED LADIES.
FANTAISIi ErlllorpIENNE
DE dark girls now nia grown so wise,
Dat my DtINHI announced her fixed intention
Ob going away, last lMonday week,
To take do chair at a Woman's Convention."
I followed her up by do railway train,
But, alas I was just too late to stop her;
She was reading a tract on de fossil plants,
Dat am found in do Lower Sibnrimn Copper."
Den I cried, My DINAI, come 'way homeu! "
But she answered, in tones of calm defiance,
"MAss.A Jusino BUNG, pray hold your tung,
You interfere wid do caws ob soionce!
Dear geology,
Sweet phrenology,
Oh! what plosnures in science I find
Hydrostatics,
And pure pneumatics,
Dese are de tings dat imprubo do mind !"
Den DINhAn prubed, in a splendid speech,
Dat Woman's a kind ob Social Teacher,
Whilst Man's an inferior animal qoite,
And useful alone as a bill-paying creoclior!
One pint in particular riz my bile,
For she dwelt such a terrible length upon it,
Dat it's Woman's Mission to dress herself woll,
And de duty ob Man is to pay for her boinot!
Den I cried, My DINAHI, colno 'way 1home,"
But she answered with accents ob indignation,
MAssA JunMo BUNG, pray hold your tung,
And do not disturb do congregation !
Mormon theology,
Paleaontology,
Oh! what pleasures in study I find!
Surgery, botany,
If you had got any
Sense, you'd rejoice in do triumphs ob mind."
I tried again to urge her homo,
But deaf was she to expostulation,
She fetched me a crack on do top ob my nose,
And den made do following observation :
"When do tyrant, Man, forgets his place,
Ladies, remember my bright exaimpIO;
I have shown you do way to treat, do wretch,
Who trios upon Woman's Rights to tramplo! "
Still I cried, My DINAT,, como 'way home,
Come back to comfort your faidor and modder ;
MASSA Ju.sHmO BUNi, pray hold your tung,
If I hit you one, I can hit you anuddor!
Entomology,
Anthropology,
Oh! what pleasures in study I find !
M mathematics,
Social statics,
Dese are de tings dat imprube do mind."


TO SMOKERS.
(From One iwho has fried and crun't Smoke.)
How many hogsheads go to your pipe ?
If the guard calls out to the engine-driver to hank 'or, might it not
be naturally-understood that smoking was allow, d on the company's
premises ?
Is not the best tobacco to bIe obtained in Cavendish-lquare ?
Which is the largest smoker but the smallest consumer ?-A
smoking-carringe.
In answer to the qnery, Do you smoke pipes ? would not you say,
No, tobacco ?
Where smoking and drinking beer is going on, is it not a baccy-
nalian revel ?
If asked, Do you smoke ? are you supposed to understand that it
applies to your irnms, goreonhouso plants, or yourself?
Smokers in general arn a weedy 'ot however much they may be
encouraged by rivernment, who, attaching a heavy duty to smoking,
still offers to consumer thin quid pro quo, which means, that they
who smoke musti pay the piper.









FU TJTN.T


[MAY 1 16, 1G3.


SKETCHES IN COURT.
"YOU WERE SOBER, OF COURSE "


MRS. GRUNDY'S GOSSIPING;
OR, A RHYMING NOTE OF WHAT'S AFLOAT.
Mas. G. makes so free as her praises and strictures
To pass on the Royal Academy pictures,
And ventures to say that Ma. MILLAIS
Has not painted St. Agncs's Eve the right way ;
For he goes in three points (and she's ready to show it)
In direct contradiction to words of the poet.
For, whereas poor JOHN KEATS has most certainly said,
That the charm bade the maiden not look toward the bed,
JOHN MILLAIS has thitherward turned the girl's head."
Then, gulos, amethyst, rose, the bard's window down-throws,
While the painter has given us nothing of those.
('Tis no moon, too, that flings through the casement's whito rime
light-
She's, like LADY AUDLEY, lit up with a lime-light) ;-
We scarce need declare that she ought to be fair,
Not coarse, tall, ungraceful, and painfully spare.
Yet that MILLAls paints well, MRs. G. dare affirm on
His Don of Young Wolves," and his pleasant First Sermon."
LEIGITON's pictures are worth, perhaps (being but four),
The whole exhibition together-or more.
There's the one of Elijah," the Times critic by a
Bland scorn of mere history mis-called "Isaiah."
And the others-the subjects not themes of religion's-
Are a bowman, a fruit-girl, and one feeding pigeons.
Such different topics so well does he figure us,
With a genius as varied and vivid as vigorous!
'Tis a sea-trip to look upon upon paintings by Hoo--
Leaves of exquisite beauty from nature's own book-
Where the waves of green water comb, tumble, and curl,
With the hissing white foam-crests, all bubbled with pearl.
He paints, too, the fisher and fisherman's girl,
As-in WolnDswoRiTH's words, worthy of praise-" not too good"
To partake human nature's" coarse everyday "food."


That FAED is delightful we need not remark,
But has nothing so good as From Dawn until Dark."
There are LINNELL'S you'd like-and like very much, too-
If you didn't keep asking yourself if they're true.
Then what better landscapes on canvas could be
Than those by COLE, WITHERINGTON, CRESWICK, and LEE-
Or M'CULLUM (few paint the spring better than he)-
Or STANFIELD and COOKE, for a glimpse of the sea ?
Who better than ROBERTS can give you the aisles
And roofs and bright windows of incense-dim piles ?
(How well has he one done-or two views of London-
St. Paul's-one at sunrise, the other at sundown).
There's a picture by MARKS shows some middle-age sparks,
Slenders, Shallows, and Shylocks-Jews, justices, clerks-
Holding lively discussion on what's going on,
Outside of an hostelrie," known as the Swan,"
While a party from Avon, well-drest and clean-shaven,
Is keeping an eye fool, filch, fopling, and knave on;
It may on the whole a good painting be called,
Though the truth to confess-why-perhaps-you know-yes !
The conception of SHAKSPEARE is rather too bald.
There's DILLON an exquisite sunset discloses,
Where MOSES's mother is hiding of MOSES,
The rushes, that grow on the edge of a meer, amid,
While high in the background there rises a pyramid.
There's WALKEI'S Last Path," with its wild desolation-
The work of an artist-a thoughtful creation,
Which carries the mind to the meaning behind
The snow-drift and storm rack, the cold and the wind !
There are pictures by NICOL one's fancy that tickle-
The Lease and the "Family Hope" (a young pickle) -
And a prison scene (FISK's), well-contrived to express
The high courage in jail of the old French noblesse.
There's CALDERON, too-if you wish to feel solemn, you
Look at the terrible Eve of Bartholomew."
There's no bloodshed-no shrieks you can hear full a mile hence-
But an audible horror that speaks in the silence
Enforced by the out-of-door carnage and violence.
Last, not least, there's a painting by young MAncUS STONE,
That for truth, care, and talent, stands almost alone.
So we close our eulogium-but, closing, suggest a
Peep at SANT'S portraits and KENNEDY'S Festa."
And now we've, alas a few brief words to say
About some works of (H)ART" that were better away;
In our mind still unsolved is the question remaining
How ever he rose beyond painting-and graining.
There's WARD, too, theatrical, Crowded and crude-
We think he had better been (not to be rude)
Kept at frescoes in Houses of Commons and Peers-
For they're certain to fade in a very few years.
(Apropos of the House-did no thought PHILIP strike,
That likenesses always look best when they're like ?)
However, it's clear we must stop somewhere here-
So sum up with a fair show of pictures this year."

ILLOGICAL PHILANTHROPY.
IT is, perhaps, expecting rather too much to ask an anti-slavery
demagogue to be logical, but an argument used at a meeting the
other evening, the proceedings of which were, of course, fully reported
in the Star, struck us singularly peculiar. Here it is :-" The REV.
SELLA MARTIN said that some people asserted that the slaves were
contented with their position. If they were contented, they had no
right to be so." This is decidedly a new theory, and if it were carried
out, it is questionable whether MR. MARTIN would not be the first to
cry caveamus. A contented mind is a continual feast, and because a
man happens to be a slave, therefore he ought to starve. There is
no fun in this, we admit; we only hope that MR. MARTIr's argument
will have as little effect abroad as it has at home.

HINTS TO PUBLICANS.
ALWAYS make a pint of sending out good measure to every quarter.
Always appear in good spirits, and never act in a rum manner to
anyone.
If any disturbances take place in your house never lose your temper,
for it is always better at such times to draw it mild.
If the sun takes all the pains he can to stream through your win-
dows, there will be a bar to all your hopes if you do not at once apply
some hollands, which will prove an effectual blind.
Don't allow yourself to be shut up by anybody, not for any somees
that might be offered, but let your motto be Beer and forbecr."


88


I









MAY 16, 1863.]


F VT N.


OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 53.-BY THE RIGHT HON. W. E. GL-DST-NE.
THREE volumes have now been published, and each received with
marks of public approbation alike hearty, general, and well deserved,
of that diverting periodical to the competition for whose Prize Essay
I have now the distinguished honour to address myself. I commence
my task with diffidence, and yet not without hope. The cares of
public life, although numerous, weighty, and almost incessant, have
never had the power to turn my attention altogether away from occu-
pations and pursuits which are, I will not say less important, but,
perhaps, less onerous, yet which, softening as it is their peculiar
mission to do the roughness of polemical discussion and taking the
keen edge off points of controversy, contribute in a three-fold manner
to the general good by their powers to dispel melancholy, to heighten
joy, and to kindle a wide and generous emulation. Eminently well
has this triple function been fulfilled in the pages of FUN; and,
although I have neither the time nor the inclination to enter into
subtle distinctions, minute shades of differences, or unnecessarily
elaborate classifications, yet I may be permitted a few simple words,
not, indeed, of analysis, still less of criticism-for, whilst I have not
the disposition for the first, I would not so overweeningly rely upon
my own strength as to attempt the second-but rather of cordial and
honest admiration. Whether we regard FUN-and throughout this
essay I must be understood as speaking, not of FUN in the abstract,
but of FUN as the chosen, and, in many points of view, the happily
chosen, title of that periodical to which I have now the honour to con-
tribute-whether, I say, we regard FUN in the first place as a journal
devoted to social criticism, in the second as one devoted to political
satire, or in the third as one devoted to pictorial illustrations of
matters both political and social-and in each of these aspects it has
many and diverse phases, which I have not at present sufficient
leisure to indicate with the copiousness, clearness, and accuracy im-
peratively required-we shall see that its main value is in the picture
which it presents of the shifting features of the times. Nor let me
here be misunderstood ; reversing the distinction previously drawn,
as of FUN I then spoke in the concrete, not in the abstract, I speak
now of the times in the abstract, not of the Times newspaper in the
concrete. It is no part of my business, either as a statesman or as an
author, to discuss the fleeting productions of the daily press; I would
as soon think of entering, were I not compelled to do so by the duties
of my official position, into serious argument with LORD ROBERT
iMONTAU It is not my intention to be discourteous; yet I must
plead guilty to possessing a good deal of what, were it not arrogant
to do so, I should call noble disdain and intolerance of stupidity.
Compelled by an Asiatic intriguer, whose contempt for his dupes is
only inferior to my contempt for himself, to abandon some portions of
one of the most beneficent budgets over laid before the House of
Commons-interrupted in the course of far-seeing legislation by the
petty cavils of one section and by the selfish arguments of another-I
shall perhaps receive some portion of that indulgence for which I
humbly trust that I am far too proud to plead if I have been hurried
into saying anything offensive in the heat of debate-I mean of com-
position.*
Before resuming the thread of my arguments, there are three dis-
tinctions which I should like to impress upon those who are now
favouring me with their attention. The first t-



GEOMETRICAL QUERY FOR THE FAIR SEX.-" A line," says EUCLID,
"is length without breadth." We wonder whether that high autho-
rity would define a crinoline as "breadth without much length ?"
He would not in these days, we fancy, be at a loss for a "round
demonstration in order to prove this, although, from the nature of
the theorem, he might have to reason in a circular direction."
NOTICES or MOTION.-(To be put to the Colgress of the Northern
States.)-" That the salt which was originally destined for sowing the
ruins of Charleston be kept to flavour the national humble pie."
A SENSATION NOVEL AND A NOVEL SENSATION.- "Aurora Floyd," and
losing an action for copyright.


Certainly, WILLIAM. As much indulgence as you like. You have taken off
our editorial income-tax-well, never mind how many thousands! Great
prophets make false returns.-En. Fux.
t Here our contributor's copy comes abruptly to an end. We should cheer-
fully have given him space for his three distinctions." None can complain,
indeed, that he should be so fond of "distinguishing" when, with stern impar-
tiality, he is always-distingnishing HIMSELF !-ED. FUN.


"INQUIRE WITHIN."
FANCTFUL notions occur
To all of us here now and then,
And the goad of occasion will spur
The brains of the slowest, of 111011.
So, in an inquisitive mood,
If you don't from confessing it shrink,
We should liko to-not at all to be rude-
To inquire what you usually think ?
Say you are hurrying onward alone,
When just round the corner appears
One, who, sliding his arm in your own,
Thunders forth some long tale in your ears;
On you walk, but his tongue doesn't stop,
Till exhausted you're ready to sink;
Well, at last, when you're over your chop-
What do you usually think ?
If you hear, My dear hoy, make a point
At five, when you're passing some day,
Of rememb'ringn there's always a joint
In our snug little family way."
And some day when you do call you find,
Man and wife have just got on the brink
Of a quarrel, but "hopo you don't mind,"-
What do you usually think ?
Supposing that you meet with the man,
Who, boasting the cellar led's got,
Says he'll "give you what nobody can,
A good glass of old port, and what not."
And suppose when you've gone tlhro to dine,
He asks you but claret to drink,
Which is only cheap Beaujolais wino-
What do you usually think ?
Supposing you know of some staid,
Prim, elderly gentleman who
Says, Girls, sir ? Pooh! I never paid
Them attention like silly folks do."
And supposing lie's seen arm-in-arm
With a stylish young party in pink,
And you hear him say, Yes, dear"-not "*ma'am"-
What do you usually think ?
Suppose the expense you've incurred
Of a box at the opera for three,
That two are in love, and the third-
Who is not-yourself happens to e :
When that friend whom you took to the play,
Gives a rather significant wink,
Which implies, BUOWN, get out of the way "-
What do you usually think ?
Supposing in this way you've tasked
To respond to inquiries awhile,
(For many more things might be asked
In tho san'o calechetical style) ;
And suppose he who asked stopped bhoimos,
As he said through exhaustion of ink,
Don't you fancy it might ,e of rhymes P-
Well! that's what we usually think!



STARTLING, IF TRUE !
A LEADING article in the 7Times of May 5th contains the following
sentence :-" He is making a great applal-and we have no wish it
should not succeed-to the generosity of men, who, if they cannot
do quite as much as MR. BERESFilol llols E, Miss BHlinlrr Cou-rs, the
MISSES MONK, LOR1n DERIiY, MR. IIBIAlitRD, 0n711 other chuirchmen, will
contribute as much as they can." Is it possible flint the MISs.s
MONK and Miss BuiDE'rr COuiTTS have been churchmen all this while
without our knowing it ? Well! well! Teclpora mutantur, nos cl
mutcanur in illis !


DENTAL QUERY.-When painful tooth commences its "little game,"
had it not better be drawn as soon after as possible.
DEisrIN oi CHANCE ?-The Coinfiedordfrs hnvo on their flags only
the stars : the Federals, however, retain the stripes !


~


I








F U IT.


[MAY 16, 1863.


rA1NTrRs ATND GA.ZERS.


A SKETCH AT THE ACADEMY.


I HAD hopes-I know that they have proved to be unfounded, but I
cannot admit that they wore unreasonable !-I had hopes that I
should have been able to avail myself of the privilege of free admis-
sion conceded to exhibitors. Unfortunately, I do not exhibit !
I sent three pictures: 1 (a pre-Raphaelite bit of nature), "Docks
and Marsh Mallows; 2 (an attempt to depict a really unhackneyed
historical situation), CHARLES THE SECOND in the Oak; 3 (a genre
painting), The New Crinoline."
If it were becoming (which it is not) I could say a good deal about
those works ; but I forbear to do so. They were all three rejected by
the Hanging Committee.
I have accordingly paid my shilling, and I mean to take it out in
criticism. The Academicians have exercised their rights; I shall use
mine. There will be plenty of hacks to fawn upon the imbecile
canvas-spoilers, the miserable, crass, cringing, dull, feeble, super-
annuated, impotent, and abject Forty. Of those hacks I decline to be
one. Honest truth (uninflueuced by passion) is what the wretched
dotards shall hear from me.
I saw men prowling about (there was MR. TIHACKERAY, for instance,
as largo as life, and a host of other "successful" men-I hat3
success !) who had evidently made up their minds to be pleased with
this, the most disreputable Exhibition that ever degraded British Art.
Let them. Thoughts is free, as MRs. BROWN said at the play; and so
are mine. It is all very well to got a set of literary time-servers to
hob and nob with Academicians at the annual orgie which disgraces
Trafalgar-square, and on which hundreds of pounds are spent that
ought to be devoted to the development of talent such as that of-
well, of some I could name; but I was never invited to the so-called
banquet. Banquet, indeed I would rather maintain my honest
independence though I had nothing to eat but a polony-and this is
sometimes the case! Look at young MR. MARCUS STONE. I'll be
bound to say he never oats polonies-and yet all London is talking of
his Napoleon," whilst my "New Crinoline has not yet met even
with a dealer!


Look at Mh. RUSKIs. What did they do to him ? Why, they asked
him to dinner! What was the result?
His Critical Notes have never appeared since!! Not that it
matters much.
Exhibition, indeed! Why, you can't see anything-not that there
is much to see-for the crowd of gaping women that block up the
hideous and uncomfortable rooms with their preposterous crinoline-
and yet the Academicians rejected mine Then, the "swells "-a
set of lounging insipid imbeciles, drawling out their vapid Dun-
drearyisms-and the old fogies, wagging their stupid old heads--I
should like to knock a few of them together!-and the smug, smiling
fellows whose pictures have been accepted-and the "Art-Critics,"
who pretend to see power in a man like MILLAIS, and poetry in a man
like HOOK, and humour in a man like MARKS, but who are far too
high and mighty, I promise you, to come up four pair of stairs and
see my Marsh Mallows,"-and if they did, they couldn't appreciate
them! There, I'm tired of the whole concern-pictures and painters
and visitors and all-and Mns. EDWARDS is bothering me for the rent-
and, unless you print this, to show up the impostors, and send the
money by return, I shall have to paint signboards. DAVID Cox
painted one-and I dare say did it badly-for I never thought much of
him Or any other man!

The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also the Title, Preface, and Index to the THIRD Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d.
The FIRST and SECOND Volumes of FUN are still on sale; and the
whole of the back numbers have been reprinted.


P:in'tcd and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the office, 80, Fleet-street, E.0,-May 16, 1863.


~









MAY 23, 1863.]


FTN. 91


SKETCHES IN COURT.
"AND YOU ARE ASKED TO CONVICT ON SUCH EVIDENCE AS THIS !"



THE MAGPIE OF FINANCE.
(After the Jackdaw of Rheims.")
PUGILISTICUs sat in the PREMIER'S chair,
With a rubicund face, and a jaunty air,
And a Je ne scais qui kind of devil-may-care
Expression, combining in equal share,
The hyena's grin and the growl of the bear !
Oh! never has been such a premier seen,
As this jolly old cock of St. Stephen's Green;
Hold hard! that's a bull, and I've been led astray
By the PREMIER's "d(o)ublin(g) up" kind of way,
Half-bluster, half-bounce, and the rest of it sneery,
(A mixture that turfites would doubtless call leary r)
Of answering any man's pertinent query!
Locomoting around, with a nondescript hobble,
Was the Chancellor Magpie, with budget of" nobble;"
Full of schemes for depriving poor muffin-cap'd boys,
Of just half their rations, and all of their toys;
And the halt, and the aged, the lame, and the blind,
Of part of what "ill-disposed folks" left behind
For their special behoof; 'cos they wanted to swindle
Their own next of kin, and their proper share dwindle
From the breadth of a beam to the width of a spindle !
For his magpie propensities lead him in till,
Box, coffer, or bundle, to pop in his bill,
Their contents to absorb, make away with, or spill!
Not content with disturbing the charity grub,
The rich man he tackles, reducing his club
To the level of any gin palace or pub.,
And, like the big bang at the end of a cracker,
Concludes the display with a "licence for baccaa."
Close in his rear, with a most demure hop,
A Grey parrot came from Sin RICHARD MAYNE'S shop;
With the city police force distending his crop,
Which (to mis-pronounce French) he considered de trop."


The confab was over, the plans arranged,
When a grand deputation the whole disarranged;
There was Cambridge's duke, and a bishop or two,
Lords, Commons, and squires, a goodly crew!
And, of course, of the million, no end of a few."
Some in robes that would rival the Tyrian liuo,
Some in sober black coats, some in all shades of blue;
Some guiltless of stocking, of sock, or of shoe,
Some were placidly calm, while some you might view,
Were beginning to ferment, if not quite to brow;
While all were determined, they would stick like glue
To the Magpie; who, meanwhile, felt quite in a stow;
He listen'd, he ponder'd, said good-bye to each,
But reserved for the Commons his eloquent speech!
The Magpie he rose, wi4h a saturnine look,
And pour'd forth his words like leaves torn from a book
Of JERVIS'S charity, LOVEJOY'S bequest,
Christ's Hospital, which lh described as a nest
Of young cuckoo's (most truly, it must be confess),
And he proved, at least stated (with him much the same),
That they really were charities only in name,
And that he was, therefore, entitled to claim
(Though I can't see his logic so clear as his aim)
A share of their cash as legitimate game !
However, he opened his revenue book,
And off that horrible tax he took,
Flashed his glistening eye, showed his ivory teeth;
And-put his keen tongue back into its sheath!
And the Grey" parrot too flow over the borders
With his bill (for destroying the city's blue warders),
Which he found must lie down before firm standinj orders.
The battle is lost, the day is won;
The Magpie and his clique are done,
And-save a moral-so is FUN.
MORAL.
FUN concludes with a moral, it cannot do less,
It's this :-"If you ever get into a mess,
Whether of body, of bones, or of brain,
The best mode of cure is to back out again;
Remember that some folks most pointedly say,
That he who's the luck to back out of a fray,
And soundly and safely skedaddle away,
May live to do bruises at some future day.
And the Magpio himself, for this one act of grace,
May find that the dons (whom le owes for his place),
Are less prone to exhibit gown-tails to his face,
When next the great varsity puts ballot-box on
The table for papers of M.A.'s of Oxon.


GO IT AGAIN!
NINETEENTH-CENTURY audacity knows no limit; the whole hog or
none is a proverb suitable to you or any other man. The process of
helping a lame dog over a style is now obsolete, for lame dogs, com-
mercially speaking, are so extremely rare, and those that are lame are
so cute, that they wear very short tails to avoid the salt. Consequently
more potent charms are necessary to secure success to the canine
philanthropist. The method disclosed in the following advertisement
is by no means new, but the zeal which it exhibits is highly curious:-
A FORTUNE for IIALF-A-CROWN.-A retired Merchant will coinmnicnte
to any person, of whatever nag, upon receiving tlirly poHstgc-stnamnif
such information as will infallibly and at once, without the slighlist riis, and in
an incredibly short time, secure to its possessor a handsome fortune.
Of course, it is impossible to doubt so respectable an anihority as a
"retired merchant; but he scarcely bears out the reputation of his
class in the construction of his sentences. He is evidently undeter-
mined as to the exact period at which the fortune is to be acquired ;
in looking after the omnipotent thirty postage-stamps lie seems to
forget his client. For, observe, in the same breath lie promises to
give such information as will infalliblyy and at once," and in "an
incredibly short time," secure a handsome fortune. Which ie means
we don't intend to inquire, but if such blundering quackery succccde,
-and we can hardly affirm with any confidence that it won't,-what
will not skillful trickery attain to P We would advise this retired
merchant, however, to be very retired indeed after his few first
transactions, as he is engaged in a game at which two can play with
great convenience.


STHE RISING GENEHATION.--TL Poles.


VOL. IV. L








2 9F J [MAY 23, 1863.

And nothing but such, if never so much you tries oppydildock and
MOMUS'S PROPHECY FOR THE DERBY. flannel;
HERE, my noble sportsmen, haven't I may say, I'm sure, that it may do you more good than all the bay-
T I named thewinner everyyear salt and hot waters,
Of course you have all made r To look at the moon by the light of the sun a visibly changing its
ST fortunes. If not, now's your quarters.
Sfoune If not now's yo So pray don't forget, MRs. GRIDDLES,". says she, "to look out some
I hneWhat's to win P Why, a hoss of smoked glass for the Sunday,
I ,-. course, and the first, too, and safe To see what a black spot will come on the sun, which the rain will
cto win. It takes a wise man to wash clean by the Monday;
S.- make out the wiener, and he must For I takes in a ZADKIEL's almanack, which you know is the book for
rT- 'get up early to do it. But I've to give it,
Done it, and I tell you fairly-if you And he's put down a 'clipse for May seventeenth, and I know 'twill
n are half sharp you will know it, for come right as a trivet."
Sthe very name will tell you it wins. Well, says I, so I will, for my lodger, says I, goes that day on a cheap
.iIf you find it out, stick a feather in excursion,
Sour cap, for you're quite right, my To Brighton and back by the cheap three-and-six, to enjoy what he
Si' lord! And a sweet boss it is too, calls an immersion,
] and the victory's a national one. Which I think he's a Baptist and likes to have, though I'd soon on
I'd tell you the name in rhyme as such folks put a stopper,
I have done hitherto, but it would Being brought up in Church of England ways, paying church-rates
want such a rum metre, for it's a and all that's proper.
fanciful one. "But you don't valley Well, as soon as the morning came round, there was me and she (MRs.
a hoss for his name if he can only JONES) all ready,
do a dale," as he Iishme an said A looking right out of our second-floor back on a chair which was
What, you can't tell it now? Why, rather unsteady,
sill Billy, where's your rhyme if Commanding a beautiful view of the Thames, if you only could look
-- you've lost your reason? You round the corner,
-" think it's a filly. Well, she must And a very good prospect of chimbley-pots, which on wet days looks
be a "busting good 'un" then, for, Burather forlorner.
as I am the arranger of the bosses, But o get a good peep at the sky up above, with no rude chaps
she has got some good ones to beat about that could stare on us,
before she's King of the Castle, As flattening our noses against the glass, quite a picture we looked
my Trojan. Now, then, my noble sportsmen Take your chance, both the pair on us.
here's the only real tip! Pay your penny for this number at the FUN Well, there was our glasses as right as could be, and-a mercy it was
office, and you'll find the winner's name below. If you know about as I said it,
odds and even and are up to the corner, you'll be all right. That morning my lodger had broken a pane, which I was to put down
to his credit,
o N K L D M A F R E P T J N And so regular he pays, always scraping his boots, and never giving
s o A o o A A A A u t A nobody trouble,
TT A 0 V N C N N it R o I sent for the glazier to do it at once, and meant only to charge him
SA c o i D N C N T LL L double.
F A M C o o o C Y A D A E Y Well, I kept a great piece of this broken pane, and taking the tongs
F r i ut o N L I1 A I R up nimbly,
t L A t A 0 Y I o t 0 i I poked it right up our great kitchen flue to catch all the smoke of
D 0 XN N U R 0 L B F O N B
GA s T n c lI o 0 v D o I the chimbley,
r i L P A U A 31 0o A E K Till seeing it got to a sootable black, and looked for the purpose au-
F I L D O S S S A E O A L N tl entical,
T O L L W D T T T J T O R E I asked Mits. JoNEs if she thought it would do, and says she, It's
O O O E I I A I E L O E O D the very identical!"
o o ) S E I n E t It 0 E o So there did we wait, never thinking of rings, nor knocks at the door,
nor such capers,
While old MRS. JONES told me all what would be, as she'd read it in
print in the papers,
AN IMPARTIAL ACCOUNT OF THE PARTIAL How we should be all in the dark, and the sky would be gloomy like
AN PARTIAL ACCOUNT OF THE PARTIAL night all the whiles,
ECLIPSE OF THE SUN. And as for the sparrows, they'd all go to roost, and the cats would
come out on the tiles.
(From our Special Old Lady Correspondent.) come out on the tiles.
(r or Spcil Old Lady Coresondent.) Well, the afternoon came, but the sun scarcely showed, and the sky
WELL! of all the curiousest things as is, and as ever I've heerd tell only seemed in a smother,
on lately, And," says I, as it's not fine day to-day, p'raps they've put off the
The most curiousest things is eclipses to me-them are things that 'clipse to another."
confiozles me greatly. "But," says she (MRS. JONES), why haven't I said its been going on
And which it was only last Wednesday as was, says she-MRs. JONES an hour or more ? "
I allude to- "And pretty goings on it is," says I, "if it ain't better nor this, I'm
"You had better look out, for GRIDDLES," says she, "it will do you a sure.
world wide of good, too, Why, looking as hard as I can through the glass, I can't get the sun
For I know the east wind, that we've had so bad, has been and to come out,
brought on the lumbago, And all that I seems to see in the air is a lot of blacks flying about;
Notwithstanding you've tried, and a good thing beside, rum, hot, A pretty lot of stuff you've been preaching to me, and the writer had
strong, and sweet, in your sago. best let me find him,
But I once had a lady, and SIMKINS her name, who her husband was I'd soon tell this Ma. ZADKIEL my mind, I only wish I was behind
medical thought to be, him i"
But who went off one day, and who never came back, with a party no "Well, wait," says she, "for a half-hour more, and then you'll see
better than she ought to be, that it's right,
And who told me one morning, whilst paying her rent, where she And that nobody then will see nothing at all, and not even so much
rented, for cheapness, the attics, as at night."
' It's t.he change of the moon that you want, MRs. JONES, to cure your Well, I waited and waited, and rubbed all the smoke off the glass on
complaint, the rheumatics;' my nose and my chin, too,
As is well boknown to the doctors hero, and also on other side the Till I only wanted a banjo to look like a black, such a mess I'd got
channel, into;









MAY 23, 1863.]


FUN.


But nothing we saw but a great dark cloud, which, says I, as she
wouldn't explain,
SIf that's the eclipse, I've seen dozens like that whenever it's going
to rain."
Well, then it got lighter, oh ever so much, and says I, in a deuce of
a pet,
"I'd thank you to tell me, mum, when's the eclipse, for we neither
have seen one as yet."
"Why, it's over says she. Oh is it ? says I, in a tone quite
severe and satirical,
"I knows natural history, but doesn't pretend to be judge of a natural
miracle !"
"A miracle! pooh!" says she, in her airs, "it's that when a thing's
an uncommon 'un,
We doesn't call 'clipses miracles, mum; we calls them kind of things
a phenomenon."
Oh! indeed, mum," says I. "Yes, indeed, mum," says she.
"Oh!" says I, then that settles the matter,
Then I shall go down to the kitchen again," when, laws! we did
hear such a clatter;
My mind had misguv me, a top of the house there we'd been for three
hours out o' hearing,
And in the meantime if some thieves hadn't been, out the whole of my
front parlour clearing.
"Well, there, Mls. GRIDDLES," says she (Mas. JONES), "now hasn't
my words come true,
That if you would wait you would see the eclipse, which now, mum, I
hope you do.
For didn't I tell you to stop there a bit-now them was my very tones,
When nothing you'd see, and now nothing you can, or I'm blessed if
my name is JONES "


TELL IT TO THE MARINES.
NOWING as we know that hundreds
of callings are carried on in London
which nobody ever knows anything
about, and the very existence of
which is only revealed by the
casual opening of the London
Directory at an unwonted place,

altogether astonished at the pro-
fessed object of an advertisement
that met our eye the other day,
although we were certainly unpre-
pared for the announcement. It
appeared last week in the Times,
and it appears this week in FUN.
T O DRAPER'S ASSISTANTS.-
WANTED, a YOUNG MAN for the
fancy, who can dress a widow. Lasttwo
references required. Apply to J. G.
RUTTER, etc.
The "fancy," we apprehend, are
the members of the Prize Ring.
This must be so, although we
should have thought that a second
wedding-ring would have been the
prize ring at which a widow would
have aimed. But whose widow do
the members of the P. R. wish to
dress? Has any member of the
fraternity recently died ? If so, does
the widow of a pugilist require a
more extensive "get up than the
relict of any oth-than the relict of anybody else? And above all,
why advertise for a young man to dress the widow ? This is surely
not as it should be. And a draper's young man, too! If it had been
a hairdresser's young man we could have fathomed the advertiser's
meaning. A demand for a ready-made-warehouseman's young man
would have been intelligible, though injudicious. But a draper's young
man!
Now we will try and find the very man RUTTER is in search of. Let
U;m refer to the seventh chapter of CAPTAIN MARRYAT'S "Peter
Simple," and in it he will find the following remarkable sentence:-
"At last I inquired of some of the women who were standing
between the guns on the main-deck, and one of them answered that
i was no use looking for him (CHEEKS the Marine) among them, as
th all had husbands, and CHEEKS was a widow's man."
here, MR. RUTTER, CHEEKS the Marine is the man you want.


LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.

No. 3S.-Ci.ii.]vs nu CAxt, M.P.
Ir isthemisfortune of the Conservative parlv yi have fiwdis finished
men in its ranks. It is really hard to say whoofthe' throng that lhuddles
helplessly along after DISlIAELI has tie honour to play sIecond iddle
to his Jew's-harp. Few of them rise above inediocrityv-tho nuijoritv
not even soaring so high. No wonder that the n'uagro copy of
FALSTAFF, who is their leader, is often asainled to tinrchl to Coventry
with a regiment mentally ragged and intellectuallv lbre !
It is not because he has really raised himself (o ihe position of
second in command, but because lie is so placarded by his plar(v, thit
we give MB. Du CANE tlhe next post to the Caulrncsiiani ('otjnmllor. 'The
member for North Essex is openly stated to be tilh coinig man of Iho
party, and as the party is supposed to know we concede hlii tie till.
It is certain, at all events, that when the Tories are niIut, to ldoi nnv-
thing more than ordinarily stupid, it is generally Mtl. l)u CANE wlho
plays the part of bell-welthr.
Mit. Du CANE is tlir son of is captain in the navy, front wliom l Il
has inherited a tendency to find himself frieqnietly e tl sea(. lie waIIH
born in 1825, so that lie is still a young nini. It is a pily, perhaps,
that ho cannot continue so, for, as it is, every year is l'esstnling tli
only excuse he has--his youth-for, the folly of his politinil cnaror.
He was inflicted upon thl world in the year we lIv ,il above miintlioned,
at Rydo, in the Isle of Wight, and was brought up by Cowes and, of
course, those who are brought up by CowNies luR t i, lie 11 vnwen-nt,
mind. Having had a Iyde when in his go-cart, he was remiived from
the Isle-hiapless Wight -in his iniflmy mid placed tit C'har I liiouie.
Here he most likely met with Ia metesake--without tihe preftix l)u, inl
generally an enclitic itself. Stimulated by this lie soon miistered
enough to fit him for tlhe university. As his childhood iiiihad lin spent
near Cowes, his youth was passed at Oxon. Ife lbcaime a member
of Exeter College, and was crammed for honour dohibtless. Thie
fellows and tutors all united to imake a first classminn of' hin if possi.
ble, to reflect honour on the college and bring )Du. RliICHAS hintRelf
a gain. He, however, only obtained two-fourths of illl he dilistinctioins
he aimed, for in 1847 we find in the Oxford Calendar a CllHn.s
Du CANE as fourth class ill classics and mntheniall iis.
His debtt as a politician was inail five y(ars after when hl was
elected for Maldon, but almost iltiii diately altr Untitii11i "I'ir
bribery and treating It is cOsy to umidrstanid froim ihis lIht lie
means when he declares lie wishes tle ranchlisei extien(led to thl
industrious and intelligent portion of' the working classI,,"' i.e., tlhsII
chevaliers d'industric who are intelligent enougli to know the inlrket
price of their votes.
In 1857 the child of Cowes, the son of Oxon, wns very sulitlily
returned as representative of the E]ssex nilves. 11' is, w, iVny Ihrn
add, a county magistrate, and one of those wonderful <'inilmlinliit. of
imbecility known as deputy licutenamnts-piersons whose N ihol duIny in
liif appears to be to attend lcves in cxtraiorditiiry costtu(m's', that
unite with the good tasto of the sweep-lord on Mny-day tthe sphindouI111
of the beadle, the awkwardness of the militia-recruit, and the
solemnity of the flunkey.
IMR. Du CANE is sometimes supposed to be a brilliiint dhllater and
solid politician. He certainly at times recalls the e'llqu1ct ((hi. C iIn,
and frequently reminds us of the immortal lDo)tcilim, blit thIit l o
rivals the former in oratory, or equals the Ittler for soundness of
judgment and clearness o(f apprehension, we will not veillnitre to say.
Perhaps his veal-vending constituents will understand uIH if we suggest
a doubt whether, if his head wero served like that o(, oine of their
calves, the cook would find enough of what i required for tihe sauce,
to make it worth her while to cliop the pILarley.
There is no necessity for going closely into tlhe details of his
political creed; for nobody clippers to kilow or c(ire an)i thing about
them. It is sufficient that lie is a thorough Tory, will the muiddy
acres always in his head. HIe is over ready to lend his countenance
-what a valuable loan !-to any measures, little or iig-oted, from
church-rates to game-laws. The more violent and wrong tie mnesures
are, the more strongly does lie support them, as if lie were elected to
represent X.S. instead of S.X.
On his talents we need ot linger; indeed, we doubt if there is room
enough for even a fly to rest upon them. Ilis career iais nothing
striking about it, and his speeches throw little light nupon his (piniois,
for nobody reads them, and of thope compelled to listen to iithem not
one takes the trouble to attend to them.
Such is the future leader of tile Conservative purty, the representa-
tive of the Essex calves.
"Formosi pecoris customs formosior ipsc."
"The leader of a great drove of --, the greatest one himself."


~









94 FUiN.



1441 ,


NTOITNE SO IDTUSTY.

Sporting g Coster:-" Hi! YOU SIRS THE DUST WON'T SUFFERCATE YER. GOT PLENTY o' hair OUTSIDE, AIN'T YER "


OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
No. 84.-BY A. W. K-NGL-KE.
To relate the story of a mighty war-closely to examine and clearly
to explain what favourable circumstances encouraged hope, what
adverse influences suggested despair-to pluck from undeserving
shoulders the mantle of casual success, and to fling the cloak of a wise
charity over unavoidable error-to vindicate the honourable names of
many gallant English gentlemen, slain before their prime, and of many
graybeards who sank, exhausted and unpitied, amid Crimean tempests
and Crimean snows-to reveal the true character of a friendly
potentate, whose face, in moments of actual physical danger, always
becomes of a bright emerald green-and, above all, to show the skill
and strength with which the English language may be moulded into
forms of antithetical criticism, pictorial description, and personal
invective -such are the objects of this work.
The Allies had landed. GoRTSCIlAKOFF's despatch of the 20th June,
in which lie remarked, with cynical irony, "In the possible eventuali-
ties of contingent complications, circumstances may alter cases," had
come truer than he thought. RUSSELL was sleeping in an easy-chair
at Pembroke-lodge; PALMERsrON was watering his hardy perennials
at Broadlands ; GLADSTONE was endeavouring to keep three appoint-
ments; and all the GREYS were trying to get another. The only
minister in town was SIR CHARLES WOOD, who had just purchased, at
WYLD'S, a shilling map of India, only to find himself utterly ignorant
of the geographical characteristics of that mighty empire into which
BA.nER, the knight-errant of the east, led his glittering squadrons-
over which, with unprecedented splendour, AURUNGZEBE ruled-and
which, conquered by incredible English heroism, was consigned at
last to the governmental charge of unparalleled English stupidity.
The Allies had landed.
The news, flashed over Europe by the electric spark, found many


unprepared. True to their traditional policy of exclusiveness, the
Whigs had omitted to call to their councils any of those brilliant
travellers who were themselves acquainted with the East, and whose
vivid and sparkling wit, whose sprightliness and gentlemanly ease
would have rendered them delightful companions, in the cabinet as in
the clubs. Thus, when the actual shock and crisis came-when pro-
tocols were exhausted, and when a reputation for statesmanship could
no longer be earned on the cheap terms of writing a despatch, the
Coalition Cabinet found itself powerless. To the last, it had retained
some feeble hopes that the matter might be arranged by diplomacy;
but the ball had been set in motion, and it rolled swiftly on. "England"
-thus said LORD CLARENDON, than whom a more amiable gentleman
never smoked Regalias or helped to ruin an empire-"drifted into war."
France did not. From the beginning, she had counted on a war;
her book was made, her plans were laid for it. War, for her, meant
added influence, fresh glory, and rehabilitated prestige. What did it
mean to the Emperor himselfP
Rightly to answer this question, we must glance at the character-
we must recall the antecedents-of the man. Born of rich but dis-
honest parents, it was from an early age the lot of Louis NAPOLEON
to be a Prince without a principle. BLUCHER came up in time on the
18th June, 1815; BONAPARTE embarked on board the Bellerophon;
the captain's name was- MAITLAND, and the imperial family was
expelled from France. A youth of exile would have ennobled a
generous nature, it soured a base one. Saturnine and silent,
NAOI.f.ON allowed his mustache to grow, and waited for the future.
Studious he was, but ever with an eye to personal aggrandizement;
temperate, but only that he might trap others who were off their
guard. He had almost every negative virtue which does not require
the existence of a heart. Let me not be unjust to him. To his per-
sonal adherents he was always faithful and often generous. He per.
jured himself, but he pensioned his mistress. He ruined France; Jo
was kind to FIALIN.


PlAy 2.3, 1863.


-I






IF -U IN,.-MAY 23, 1863.







~ ;-












""'-.-i---~ .--- _r ---- --









BUDGET. BY GLADSTONE.
Mr. Bul:-" THERE, MY LADS, THAT'S MY FAVOURITE, AND THAT'S THE JOCKEY FOR ME.
Dizzy (despondingl?) :-" COME AWAY. WE SHAN'T BEAT THIS, DERBY."












. MAY 23, 1863.]


YFUNTI.


On the 10th of April, 1848, he was a special constable in London.
Riots were expected. The Chartists, regardless of governmental pro.
hibitions, determined to assemble on Kennington-common; CUFFEY
openly declared that he would no longer put his faith in princes; his
wife had assured him that right he was; bloodshed was feared;
soldiers were placed in the Bank of England, and many people were
alarmed at Camberwell. On that memorable day, what was the
behaviour of NAPOLEON ? His face became o) a bright emerald green !
Thus, to resume the situation, the Allies had landed; England was
unprepared, the EMPEROR expectant; and that genial periodical,
whose ready wit might so easily have solved the problem of the East
and secured the continuance of peace to the world, was yet unborn.
FUN was not published until 1861.


A NOTE OF INTERROGATION!
ENCEFORWARD
there need be no more
doubt in the world.
Henceforth we know
where the most per-
S plexing quest o is can
receive a satisfactory
solution. Content may
be COLENSO, and the
whole bench of bishops
be blessed. Read the
following advertise -
ment clipped out of a
daily paper :-
-TNIVERSAL IN-
QUIRY ASSOCIA-
TION.-Every imaginable
question answered fully,
in three days, by a society
of gentlemen. Theseques-
Lions may be social, lite-
rary, classical, theological,
legal, medical, historical
Scientific, artistic, matri-
mlonial, etc., etc. Fee, 2s.,
in postage stamps.-Ad-

Every imaginable
\ / question All prob-
lemis satisfactorily
solved in three days !
Wonderful gentlemen of encyolopmedianic information! We have an
enormous catalogue of interrogatories to put to them. Here are a
few for the society to go on with. How is it advertising people are
always wanting to borrow ten and twenty pounds for a week, when
they can always deposit security worth thrice the amount How
is it, through the same advertising channel, we learn that some-
body is always leaving home in consequence of difficulties which, it
is said, can instantly be arranged if he will but return ? Where do all
the waiters come from at this season, and where do all the pantomime
people go to when the Christmas pieces are over, and if the one is
the other, and if so, which ? Who are the persons always appealed
to as smart young men who want a hat ? and if they want a hat
how can they be smart ? What is the meaning of Hixtum-Stixtum ?
Who was Jingo ? What was the name of the discoverer of Bayswater ?
Who first introduced the art of eating periwinkles? When were
jokes first made ? And, finally, will the Universal Inquiry Associa-
tion" answer particularly well?


A HINT eOR GLADSTONE.-As he is compelled to withdraw his pro-
position to tax clubs, why does not the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCuEQUERa
tax sticks instead ? Now that the rage for amateur theatricals is so
great, he would realize a handsome sum for the revenue. And this
calculation does not include the professional sticks, of which there is
a little forest.
AWFUL CaUELTY.-The attention of the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals has been drawn to the fact that, within the last
few weeks, several persons have cracked up the horses entered for
the Derby. Steps are being taken to put a stop to this inhuman
practice.
VERY LIKELY.-SPURGEON has been to Holland, and says that it
reminded him of England. No doubt; it is well known to be a
country full of fiats, which is the sort of England MR. SPURGEON is
best acquainted with.
A CASE IN POINT.-A packet of needles.


ALMANACK AND DIARY.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
Geographical Information.-The Poles of the earth are not subject to
the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA.
It is a fact not generally known, but the star under which London
milkmen are born is Aquarius. This accounts for the chief com-
ponent part of their milk.
Declination of the Son.-When your rich brother refuses to make your
eldest boy his heir.


S17


M 18

Tu 19


MAY.

Sermon on doubt, by the BIsniOP oF NATAL, whlu'1 the
creditors of COLONEL WAUGII ill attend. May they
be comforted!
Exhibition of a new picture at TATrrESALL'S, the "Trimlnlph
of Backers."
Eviiva BLODGERS. We draw aveil over his droam ; suRlieo
it to say that he has since informed us, in the sitrictHst
confidence, and our readers may rely on our veracity,
that--But why should wo harrow the feoolings of the
lighthearted and happy with the awful disclosure.
Fleet-street blocked up as usual, by the crowd of persons
rushing to buy the now number of FUN.
Old English Sports at the Stock Exchange. Stag-
hunting and bear-baiting, to be followed by a dinner
of lame ducks.
Meeting of tih Entomological Society. Discussion of a
new kind of grub.
Organ-grinders' Festival. Music by IIANDL ; the chair
to be taken by Mi. BABBAGoE.


THE GARDEN.
If you have red hair, a good crop of carrots may be obtained at any
of the London prisons. Cards of admission are granted daily by the
sitting magistrates. N.B.-Ask for the county crop.
Should your gardener not keep your box-borders in order, present
him with a box on the car. This will make him give ear-ly attention
to your wishes.
The Dairymaid's Flower.-A buttercup.
Nursery Directions.-Plant the seeds of all branches of knowledge
in the minds of your children; if they don't twig at once, tench them
what birch is made for; whou they have done, give thIle somo turnip
tops as playthings.
Birds.-Robins are very troublesome, as they are continually robbin'
you. They are also difficult to catch, as whenever you approach
them they show themselves very fly.
The Plantfor Winter Evenings.-Colo.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Pumps.-Wo never heard the quotation, "The young May moon is
screaming, love." Let us have no MOOHE quotations.
Doop.-Legs non script applies to limbs of the law. Whero was you
at school?
Ticklcd Toby.-We were not aware that a now slang dictionary is
about to be published, with the newest and cholicost forms of
abuse in an appendix by Ma. DISRAELI. It couldn't be in better
hands.
Max Mulhere.-No, VERREY's was not so called becaeno you can dino
there very cheaply; nor was LorD BIOUGHoAM and VAlx tlh original
proprietor of Vauxlall.
A Napless One asks, "Did the ancients wear hats?" Certainly;
Roman tiles are constantly being found.
scientific Sam.-Of course; a Russian who has boon well brought up
is, ipso facto, a Tartar emetic.
A Wetterun.-Tho water question of the Inquisition was, Who ate
the puppy-pie under Marlow Bridge?" When unable to answer
this question correctly, the victim was made to swallow his boots,
no heeltaps being allowed.
A Flat.-VERDI'S music is now known as Italian Uproar.



EASIER SAID THAN DONE.-" Rule Britannia "-[Ddicated to
BROTHER JONATHAN.]
QUESTION FOR TA1LORS.--IOW much cloth does it require to make a
spirit-rapper ?
TIE SALUTATION IN EPSon THIS DAY.-" What's to win the
Derby ? "


I










98 ]F' _J 1%T. [MAr 23, 1863.


WANDERINGS IN LONDON.
Communicated by a Member of the Arch-l-g-c-l Society.


ST. GILES'S.
WHO St. Giles was is one of those questions which, as Lord
Dundreary says, no fellah can find out." Most probably, however,
his saintship was a monk, in which case our inquiries would, of
course, terminate in a cell. Some have imagined he belonged to that
large and ever-increasing band of worthies who came over with the
Conqueror, perhaps accompanying that obese hero as his chaplain
in ordinary, with an ultimate hope of ecclesiastical pickings in Eng-
land; but as his name does not appear in the celebrated Roll of
Battle Abbey, we are forced to arrive at the conclusion that he was
not a component part of the flower of Norman chivalry, of which
that early English specimen of historical baking is composed.
The church and village of St. Giles is believed to have sprung
from an hospital founded by MATILDA, the wife of HENRY I., in the
year 1117, for lepers, who naturally jumped at such an asylum for
their ills. The next step on the ladder of advancement which we
find is the removal of the national gallows, in 1413, from Smithfield
to the north end of the garden wall of the hospital, where it was
re-erected, and the regular entertainments kept up with much spirit
on the new site; nothing being suspended by the change but the
criminals. Afterwards this great cure for all moral complaints, as it
was then believed to be, went still further west to Tyburn, Ad
offenders on their way to execution stopped at the gate of the hos-
pital, and were regaled by a large bowl of ale, most likely to remind
them of their bier in store for them. HENRY VIII. showed his zeal
for the hospital by figuratively putting his foot on it, for he suppressed
it, and, after converting the chapel into the parish church, handed
over the hospital and its revenues to the EARL OF WARWICK; the
courtiers of Bluff King HAL being always ready, at the very shortest
notice, to become owners of any good thing in church property which
might happen to be floating about in want of a proprietor.
Whether it was the association of the gallows which the inhabi-
tants of that part of London all looked upon as their probable and
natural exit from this world, or other causes, it is impossible to say;
but certain it is, that St. Giles has always stood high in evil repute,
and an odour, but not by any means of sanctity, has clung to it from
time immemorial. The Puritans tried their hands at reforming the


place, but found that the villainy was too deeply rooted to be dug out
even by their moral shovels. They fined drunkards and swearers, and
there is a record in the parish-books, among others of a similar
nature, of a certain Mas. THUNDER who was fined twelve shillings for
being, like Ms. CRUIKSHANK'S horse at the Brighton Review, decidedly
groggy, and swearing seven oaths, so that her discourse on that
occasion must have been of a slightly cursory nature. This probably
took place at the Castle," in Queen-street, the landlord of which was
also fined thirty shillings for keeping his house open on a Sunday,
a proof that Ma. SOMES cannot even claim originality for his most
unbeerable bill.
In the time of CHARLEs II. Seven Dials was erected in the hope
that it would become the abode of respectability, but respectability
didn't seem to see it-or, perhaps, thought of the old proverb about
evil communications, and so declined to take up its abode in that more
than doubtful neighbourhood. The place was so called from a column
on which were seven sun-dials, one pointing to each of the seven
streets terminating there, so that the inhabitants might easily learn
the time of day-an almost unnecessary attention, when we remember
the particularly wide-awake character of the locality. In 1773 this
column was taken down, a rumour having arisen that a considerable
sum of money and jewels were concealed at the base; but this, like
many similar tales, turned out only a base fabrication, no money or
precious stones being found there, except the precious large ones of
which it was composed. Nor must we omit to mention St. Giles's
Pound, standing near the present churchyard. It also disappeared in
the last century, which-was removed, as some assert, when the parish
authorities were hard up, and literally in want of a pound.
Miles were measured from this point, as from the Standard in
Cornhill and Hicks's-hall, so the cabmen of the period doubtless went
great lengths in their statements of distances from it.
St. Giles in modern times still keeps up its old renown, its principal
productions, and in which the natives carry on a thriving trade, being
small birds, dirt, old clothes, and thieves; these are kept on most
premises in the district, to be disposed of wholesale or retail, the last-
named also for transportation. The celebrated Rookery, where birds
of a feather well known to the police-naturalist did flock together, was
pulled down to make way for New Oxford-street; nevertheless, con-
noisseurs in crime may still find some very pretty slums, where
murder is regarded as one of the fine arts and burglary an amuse-
ment for winter evenings. So we will say good-bye to St. Giles,
wishing it a speedy improvement both in manners and morals.


NOT AT ALL UNLIKELY.
WE are given to understand that a numerous and unimportant
deputation, introduced by Ma. JOHN BRIGHT, M.P., recently waited
upon MR. ADAMS, the Ambassador of the Republican Party of the
Northern Section of the Dis-United States, to express its sympathy
with the proceedings of himself and his political friends.
Ma. BRIGHT, in introducing the deputation, remarked that one of
the most flagrant disgraces of our infamously oligarchical system was
the absence of a Minister of Commerce. Mn. ADAMS, with the free
and easy cordiality of a Republican, had obligingly taken upon himself
the duties of that long-desiderated functionary, by issuing a pags for
a British vessel about to sail from one neutral port to another. (Cheers.)
MR. SNOOKS said what he'd got to say was this. He'd been thinking
of it ever since him and his mates was there last; and he (MR. S.)
was blowed if he didn't think that this was pitching of it a leetle too
strong. As a son of toil--
MB. BRnGIIT.-Leave the room, you press-proud artisan !
MR. SNOOKS.-Well if they was willing to let Yankees do whatever
they liked, he (MR. S.) wasn't, and so he told them. There had been
a jolly lot of gammon about, and he for one-
MR. BRIGHT.-If you say another word, sir, against the interests of
peace and fraternity, or against the holy cause of labour, I'll knock
you into the middle of next week. Yes, sir; you or any other of my
"hands !"
The deputation then withdrew; but why did they ever go there


THE MOST CONVENIENT BANK OF ALL.-At Millbank the inmates
have but to put the authorities on their metal, when a note is made of
it, and the offending parties receive a check forthwith.
WHY does the great clock at Westminster deceive everyone ?-
Because it shows quarter and strikes at the same time.
WHY does a salmon die before it lives ?-Because its existence is
ova before it comes to life.
THE BEST TRAINING-SCHOOL FOR JOCKEYS.-A. DAY school."







MAY 23, 1863.]


F T 99


may send a note in it anywhere, and find its purpose will be u1nder-
THE COMIC E N CYCLO P / D I A stood if you can only deliver it properly. Music, indeed, conveys so
OF FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING KNOWLEDGE. much that it has been even known to carry away an entire audience.
The poet has told us music has charms to soothe e th savage breast,
OON.-The earth's satellite, and in- which means, of course, that the savage, when ho hears it, has not
I asmuch as itL luminous property is the slightest inclination to harm any.
entirely borrowed from the sun, it
may be considered, for its illumina.
tion, as at a light expense. Poets
frequently speak of it as the "silver LITERARY LUNACY.
moon, probably because it is never IN these days, when the original spirit is exhausted, a little lunacy
found without change. It is also in literature has a marvellous effect. If it is difficult to be sublime,
called the inconstant moon, as well it is very simple to be ridiculous, and a reporter in a state of pathetical
it may be, for it is never found frenzy is one of the most entertaining spectacles of modern time.
occupying the same place two nights The individual who does the fine writing for the Star-the same
together. From this habit of con- individual who went down to Brighton, we presnme-was sent to the
tinually changing its quarters, get- opera on the occasion of a royal visit. He goes into raptures about
ting to a new crescent once every the beauty which dazzles his diminutive intellect. Hear his rhap-
month, the phrase of shooting the sody:-
moon" has apparently been applied "Charming toilettes set off moat agreeably the attractions of influitAly more
to those fugitive tenants who go charming faces, and bright eyes sparkled everywhere with a lustre whirc nmulst
and do hit likewise. Whether the have driven a susceptible spectator to the verge of despairing lunicy, had it not
Been that the eibarras de richesses made it impossible for him to ilidividualitz
moon has an atmosphere like our his worship, and so left him in the sufo haven of universal homage."
own globe, is a question quite as Conceive a susceptible literary gentleman, note-book in hand, eye
unsettled as th other itself. It upturned in devoted homage, lingering on tile verge of despairing
is usually stated that there can be lunacy," his high ambition crushed by the weight o his e ty
no atmosphere, because there is no pockets, his glorious soul struggling for a Utopian flight into 1th
water in the lunar sphere, butthose dress circle, his whole being buoyed aloft by an irresistible gush of
whowatch the changes ofthe moon's sentiment, and finally his descent into the safe haven of universal
Sasapect have decided that when the homage," e., the pit. The picture takes one's breath away, and
satellite is passing through its alter- makes one reflect upon the vanity of this world and the silliness of
e w f t m nations of form, theyhave seen some- reporters' bathos. That nonsense should league with lunacy was to
thing like waters of the moon visible. Future bal-lunar investigation be expected, and when we read of individualizing" worship, we look
may throw some moonlight on the subject, but if nothing to make an back at the verge of lunacy where the despairing spectator lingers,
impression is found in the waxing of the moon, the search must, of and wonder when he is going to fall over altogether. It would surely
course, be in wane. The influence it exercises on animal life is also be charitable in some one to give him a final push, for io is at present
an interesting inquiry, but if the moon does not come to excite the mingling the ridiculous with the sublime, in a manner which must
brain of individuals under restraint, it certainly has a general power hurt the feelings of the more happy persons who have managed to
over the people who are usually described as the com-moon-ity at "individualize their worship."
large.
MORNING.-The first thing we see on awakening from a night's
sleep and a good" thing to say directly afterwards. Astronomically
the morning begins at twelve at night, and extends to twelve at noon, MISS RYE v. MISERY.
a period passed by a large portion of the West-end population in WE have received the following letter from one of the female
slumber, and between these two hours of twelve we generally find emigrants who went with Miss RYE to Now Zealand:-
ourselves too dozin. Sporting gentlemen, who go in for up late," Cantorbulye, FebrunRyo.
usually lay a dozin to one. For business, the early hours of the day, DEAR HENIYE,-It is with great pleasure that I llyto. Aftor
known as the cream of the morning, are highly prized; but for crossing the bRyeny billows, we have safely arRyoved. Tho countRyo
pleasure the morn always gives place to the evening. For this reason, is veRye beautiful hereabouts. There are no wild beasts such as
when persons get up about Cremorne, they frequently make a night Ryenoceroses; but the fruits are all Ryepe. My prospects seem all
of it. Ryete, as I am engaged to manage a daiRyo, and attend to agRycul-
MouTH.-The symbol by which nature implies there is an opening tural pursuits. I Ryese at six oveRye morning, and sing Ryo-
for everybody if they know how to take proper advantage of it. The tooral-looral! or some other Ryeme. An IRycish gentleman, named
old philosophers thought the mouth was the most important feature of O'Ryely, seems partial to me, and I may perhaps enter into a
the human countenance, because there always has been, and always matRyemonial alliance. The weather is dlye.-Ever yours,
will be, more words about the mouth than any other part of the face. FANNY RYETE.
They fancied, therefore, it should have been in the middle of the
countenance, but as it is the base of operations for the head, it was
judiciously placed a little below the center. More good things come WIEIE Is SOMiEs ?-Wo have heard very little of JosIEP SUnIACE--
out of the mouth of the Thames than any other, we beg pardon, SOMEs-lately. His silence makes us suspect nmiicief.
MULTIPLICATION.-In arithmetic the rule or operation by which any Latet anguish in urbe, as the Daily Telegraph would say, lo is perhaps
given number may be repeated or added to itself any number of times waiting an opportunity to slip his bill through quietly. We call on
proposed. In mathematics, multiple is the quantity which contains all true Members of Parliament to keep an eye on him. As he wants
a certain number of times without a remainder. Having warmed, to stop us from fetching our quart, it is only fair that we should
sweetened, and enriched with spices a certain quantity of wine, divide prevent his carrying his measure.
it a certain number of times by two, and leave no remainder. This SuS rE COL.-The artistic world is of opinion that the Hanging
will be the mull tipple. If you have repeated this given quantity any Committee should change its present participle into a past one. It
number of times proposed, you will soon see objects doubled. This is is very clear that they suspended their judgment before they began
multiplication. The best rule in mental arithmetic is to multiply the hanging the pictures, and they lhivw Fo unfairly placed their own
greatest happiness of the greatest number. paintings in the best positions, that we are inclined to agree with the
MUMMY.-The practice of embalming the dead body was adopted by artistic world, and say that they ought to be where their works aru-
the Egyptians, probably in the belief that self-preservation was the on the line.
first law of nature. Aromatic gums were formerly used for the pur.
pose; but in the present time, when not only the gums but the teeth WELL, I NEVR!tnd "-A fashionable contemporary appears to ,have
are constantly employed, many people find it very difficult to keep engaged Lord LDuudrnes y oe its staff. It hs the audacity to Ray Ilrit,
themselves in any way without having to keep others too. The exact Her Rloyal Higlhess the PaiNCESS OF WALE is a fellow-of the Royal
mode of making a mummy has never been completely explained, and Horticultural Society.
if we knew it we should not tell it. It was a secret old practice, and A HINT Foa OUR BE'ITEISs.-Don't back any light brown horse for
being a secret told, we ought in modern days to be mum (eh P) our- the Derby. We were in Bushy Park yesterday, and saw that all the
selves, and so preserve it. chestnuts are blown already.
Music.-The universal language, so called, perhaps, because you To CONVICTED MONEY-COINERS.-HIow are your poor counterfeits ?
r _____--------








FUN.

ENGLD ON CHINESE PLTS.-No..

ENGLAND ON CHINESE PLATES--No. 1.


[MAY 23, 1863.


THE YANG-TSE-THAMES.


THINK not, exalted and delightful KWANG, that thou art forgotten
of thy slave, Iow-crow. Away from thee and from civilization, he
wanders in the land of the barbarian-where black is the cojour for
mourning, whore teeth are white, where all our notions of propriety
and right are outraged and reversed. Oh! estimable and effulgent
KwANO, my heart yearns towards the celestial land where I was born,
and where, absorbed in study and in the society of the learned, I
had time for philosophic reflection. What emolument can render
exile otherwise than irksome? The Pekin Warder-who knows this
better than yourself, admirable and pleasing Editor KWANG ?-has
sent me hither as a special correspondent to describe the ways and
manners of the barbarian; and this duty must be done, toilsome and
arduous though it may be. Nor wilt thou be disappointed in the
efforts of Ki-II, the limner, who will send thee from time to time
sketches, wherein thou wilt readily recognize the style which won for
him so honourable a fame in the pictorial academies of our native land.
There is also an academy here; but only the works of a few of its
older members are at all in our style of art.
Truly, amiable and placid KWANG, I am almost at a loss. How
shall I commence my task ? On what features of existence shall I
first dilate? Shall I describe to you my own house ? It is in
Los-tor-squ-lhoer, where all the nobles live. I notice that the
English aristocracy are very dirty, and gesticulate a good deal in their
conversation. Their manner lacks the dignified rbpose of China, oh !
adorable and benignant KWANG !
Let me, almost at hazard, speak of their "national river," the
Yang-tse-thames.
He! he! hl! Hi! hi! hi! Hu! hu! hu! "Nationalriver!" Ha!
ha! Ho! ho! ho!
I desist from merriment which is possibly unbecoming, oh! my
comfortable and portly KWANG. The Yang-tse-thames is a mere
stream, contemptible as to size; and it is not, like our own noble
rivers, covered with floating houses. In the dox, indeed, there are
many excellent junks, inferior doubtless to our own, but still creditable
to the ingenuity of the barbarians who constructed them.
The Yang-tso-thames rises near Hen-le in Perthshire, and follows


a devious course through Lancashire and Cornwall until it reaches
Rich-man-ill. At Rich-man-ill it is not devoid of a certain prettiness.
There are several pagodas and joss-houses in sight, and the banks of
the stream are adorned by lxuriant foliage, which soothes the eye of
the observer.
With Ks-Ir as my companion I proceeded on Sunday last to dine
at the Star-and-guitar," one of the most famous taverns in the
land. We went by steamboat, and were treated with much rudeness
by the young; at this we do not complain; for who, 'my venerable
and jolly KWANG, can expect to meet with the refinements of civiliza-
tion in this strange land ? The river was covered with boats, and
the general aspect of the scene reminded me of the willow-pattern
plates with which you are so familiar, my incomparable and convivial
KWANG Inspired by this idea, the pencil of Ki-HI went swiftly, and
from the drawing which accompanies this hasty note, my charitable
and dulcet KWANG will see that the young artist has done his'duty
well.
Our dinner was, I am bound to confess, not so bad as I had
expected; but there were many deficiencies about it. In vain did I
ask for bird's-nest soup. The chief waiter-a man originally intended
for the church-stared almost rudely at me when I inquired for it.
The fish was good; but the following portion of the dinner was
chiefly conspicuous for the absence of boiled puppies.
I had set my heart upon eating a fine young spaniel, which I had
brought with me for that purpose; but the people refused to cook it,
and seemed astonished at my taste.
Drowning disappointment in the bowl, both KI-HI and myself
drank deeply. I have still such a headache that I can write no more.
Accept, oh! affable and fluent KWANG, the lowly salutations of
How-cHow.

The THIRD Half-yearly Volume of FUfN, with numerous Comic
Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous Articles by distin-
guished writers, is nowe ready, handsomely bound in Magenta cloth,
gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.


rrin'.,J aoil published (Cor the Prcpritor) Lb CHAIIRLES WIHYTE, at the cflic, 80, Fleet-street, E.Ce--Yay 2S, 1863.


1








MAY 30, 1SGS3.]


FUN11. 01


ENGLAND ON CHINESE PLATES.-No. 2.


KO-TOO AT COURT.


REJOICE, oh! my delectable and dulcet KWANG, at the good fortune
which has befallen thy servant How-cHOW and the limner KI-Im,
Ar-A.! Into the houses of the chief mandarins have we been
admitted; and we have even performed Ko-too in the presence of
the young man who is next in succession to the throne of the bar-
barians. He is of a comely presence, and of a winning manner;
and his bride-the daughter of sea-kings from over the sea,
ALEC-SAN-DREH-whether Sac-son, or Nor-man, or Chi-nese we-has
made us all one in our worship of her, ALEC-SAN-DREH All of their
most celebrated braves have we seen, and many of their bonzes.
There is one THACK-E-WEEH, of stature higher than the ordinary
race of men; one DEE-KENS, who reads passages from the sacred
books of Peek-week and Ko-pa-feel, at the Hall of Saying-jeems.
We have listened to the amusing entertainments of SKECH-LE and of
YA-TES; and have heard the singing of JEW-LE-NE. But, above all,
O my incredible and boundless KWANG, we have been to the
Pa-lehs, on a day when the nobles of the land did the Ko-too. Won-
derful was the sight! For miles extended the long row of those
carriages in which the barbarians take delight; the principal man-
darins either driving themselves, or standing behind the coach, but
in either case clad in robes of many colours; and their servitors and
singing-maidens being placed inside the carriage, from which they
alighted on arriving at the Pa-lehs, that they might enter and amuse
the PRINCE. Insignificant, O my harmonious and abundant KWANG,
was the pleasure which that royal youth appeared to receive. Only
once did he smile; it was when he regarded the fashionable attire
and the pleasing lineaments of thy servants, How-clow and KI-in,
Ar-A.
Skilfully has the latter portrayed the scene; and in this sheet
thou wilt see the result of his artistic efforts. In the centre stands
AL-BUT ED-wOOD, the Prince, beside his blooming sea-king's daughter
from over the sea, ALEC-SAN-DREH. Near him is a Dook, or mandarin
with twelve tails-even CAM-BRIDGE. PAL-MERS-TUN, the YEII of the
barbarians, is also depicted by the pencil of the young artist; nor


has that skilful and ingenious youth failed to give the portraiture of
GLAD-STONE, the levyor of the In-come-tacks.
Great, 0 venerable and incomparable KWANG, was the crush.
Many of the singing-maidens had the skirts of their luxurious robes
torn into rags and threads by the pressure of the crowd ; but, although
they frowned one at the other with much feminine anger, yet the
peace remained unbroken; so that I learn from this that the
frequenters of the court are bound, by some law or rule of the bar-
barian code, to behave calmly when they enter its precincts. But fbr
this, I doubt not that many head-dresses would have been torn away
by the hands of angry females.
Hours, 0 my honourable and delightful KwkNIa, elapsed before
the last of the long train had passed lbcf. .. PIrINC. Bowing
ourselves out, we sought the nobles who had been riding outside tlh
carriages. Some of these still remained in their vehicles, waiting
until their dancing-girls returned; others were rofroshing themselves
in some of those houses which are kept open by the government for
the amusement and refreshment of its mandarins. Many of them
were in the bah-pal-lah of the King-sed, drinking poor-taw from the
pew-taw. Joining ourselves with these, thy slaves, How.cilow and
KI-m, Ar-A., drank deeply of the savage cup. It is not without a
certain charm of flavour.
Ere long, O cosy and conoodling KwANo, we will toll thee how
these barbarians disport themselves at a cricket-match. Till then,
farewell! How-cuow.


LA BIONDINA IN GONDOLETTA.-The EMPRESS OF THE I'IIEN(II lIIs
had a Venetian gondola sent to the Fontainbleau waters. We trust
that sombre bark, in a place connected with solemn memories to the
BONAPARTES, will remind the EMIERORI that the bride of tho Adriatic
still wears mourning. Let the black boat and dark forest war. hlim
that broken pledges and hollow faith have been fatal to his family.
WHEN is linen coolest ?-When it is undressed.


VOL. Iv. n


I








102 FU N-.


[MAY 30, 1863.


ALMANACK AND DIARY.

METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES.
WE have received information from a most reliable source that the
clerk of the weather is very hard up, and intends shortly to raise
the wind in order to take the benefit of the act.
About this time thunder may be expected; if it don't come, never
mind; an orange will always supply you with a peel.
The best instrument to play on a dark night is a light guitar.
Celestial Smash.-The break of day.

S | MAY.


TU 26




W 27

Tu 2S

F 29

S 30


Missionary sermon in Hindu, with a few additional
remarks in Hindont.
Settling day at TATTERSALL'S. Performance of the new
drama, Better and Better, after which a recitation, the
"Isles of Greece," by a Levanter.
The true and romantic history of BLODGEUS.-On awaking
the next morning he determined to seek a last interview
with ANGELINA and learn his fate; if she be favourable
to his suit, oh! joy; if not, then welcome- Unfor-
tunately he forgot what.
Great haul of jokes. Numbers of the FuN-ny tribe to be
obtained at 80, Fleet-street.
Completion of the NELSON Column Lions by SIm EDwIN.
(Don't you wish you may get it.)
Admission of the Tory party into the Hospital for Inoura-
bles.
Episcopal Festival.-The bishops playing at see-saw down
the Strand, to conclude with a lecture on the cardinal
virtues by DR. WISEMAN.


THE GARDEN.
The Vegetable for LauLndrymaids.-Mangel-wurzel.
Snails are very troublesome in gardens; when caught, put them
inside an ARMSTRONG gun and have some shell practice; after which,
dance the Highland fling and retire. This treatment is recommended
by the faculty.
Always place flowers on your window-sill. If they won't grow,
consider them window-silly, and despise them accordingly.
If annoyed by cats, throw bricks at them, and appeal to them
in pathetic tones. This is generally successful, as they are a feeling'
race.
Ioeraldio trees are usual to be found at Doctors Commons; Clapham
and Kennington Commons are, however, equally productive.
The month of June will soon be coming in; when he does, make
him wipe his shoes on the mat. Young gardeners willnow find them-
selves junior than ever ; if not contented with their lot, let them cul-
tivate june-per trees, and they'll be sure to thrive on this gin-erous
diet.
How to Make Elder Wine.-Get a big stick and hit anybody older
than yourself. Keep on hitting him until he cries out; by this means
you can obtain as much elder whine as you require.


ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Chuckit.-A good modoller should always have a cast in his eye; it
saves trouble.
Navghty Gal asks how we would make a ship snug in a gale of wind ?
Very simply. Clap the keel athwart-ships, reeve a hawser through
the boatswai's nose, coil the main-mast through the binnale, and
heave the leo-side of the forecastle overboard.
Snuffles.-Of course a tailor must be a very so-so kind of man.
Erino-go-brawl.-No; the paddy-fields in India are not cultivated by
Irishmen. The mistake has arisen from your reading of the ryots
there.
Bobby.-No; we never met a policeman who had "conscientious
scruples" against taking an oath.
Hotun.-In warm climates the only modes of conveyance are chevaux
de freeze.
Dips.-The night of the bath is generally Saturday night. SIrAK-
srEARE was fond of washing; this we know from his celebrated
soliloquy, Tubby or not tubby."
Mopsandbrooms.-Gold is found in quartz, and very often afterwards
lost in pints.
Schlifskopf.-The Prussian constitution is not strong, but who can
wonder it when the diet is so very weak?
A Iaucktor.-There is no Shakspearian play called Tight as a Drum.
You must have been told to get Titus Andronicus.


THE WHITSUN WEEK.
BY ONE OF THE LAST GENERATION.
BAII! Don't tell me! Who cares how much
The world may be improving? Pooh!
The people don't indulge in such
Amusements as they used to do.
Of but one holiday I'll speak,
The holiday of Whitaun week.
Where is the roll down Greenwich-hill ?-
We are too genteel for that, forsooth!-
The roundabouts that made us ill,
The noisy dance at ALGAR's booth ?
The Crown and Anchor," 'twas unique,
We've nought like that in Whitsun week.
Where's RICIIARDSON'S," we used to cram
Each twenty minutes ? Audience great!
I saw the Crystal Palace sham,
Upon the actor's annual f4te,
But for the real one we seek,
In vain, throughout the Whitsun week.
Where's Hornsey Wood? The rival "peds.? "
The race! the row -the roughs the ring !
The punching one another's heads,
And all that jolly sort of thing ?
All brought next morn before the beak,
And fined-ah that was Whitsun week.
Where's Stepney Wandsworth? Fairs like these,
Where workmen all their savings spent
In drink, and what they christened sprees,"
The only thing for which they went ?
When London Greek encountered Greek,
That was the fun for Whitsun week.
Now what do you see ? Excursion trains,
The Crystal Palace teaching art,
The upper classes taking pains
To make the lower clean and smart.
Museums filled; no rows; no "cheek;"
Bah! Where's the fun of Whitsun week ?



THE LATE DRAWING-ROOM.
THE following presentations by some unaccountable oversight were
not recorded in the daily papers. We hasten to repair the omission.
Mins. SUSAN SMITH, of Somers' Town, on having her lilac dress
turned, by MRS. BROADNOSE.
Miss JEMIMA TOODLES, on her reconciliation with Miss SPINKs,* by
her mother, MRs. TOODLES.
Miss WAGGLES, on her papa opening his new tea emporium in the
New-road, by M1Is. CLAREMARKET TROTTERCASE.
MRs. SMOUCHY GRINDERS, on her having a tooth out, by her aunt,
Miss SPOTTYFACE.
Miss BLOGGS, on her engagement with the REVEREND JOSIAII WINKS,
of Little Bethel, by MRs. HIGHLO DE BOOTS, of Hackney.
MRS. AMELIA SNOOKS, on her parting with her mangle, by her land-
lady, AMRS. PLUFFUM.
MRs. MIGGLES, on her little boy being short-coated, by her grand-
mother, MRS. SMIFF.
Miss BLOATER, on her purchasing a new washing-tub, by Miss
PuMPS.
MRS. JOE STUBBS, on her husband embarking in the baked-potato
business, by MIRS. MARROWFAT GREENS.
Miss JULIA DOGGINS, on her return from a visit to the baths
(Endell-street), by her mother, Mns. DOGGINS.



THE DERBY.
IN APPROPRIATE MACARONIC VERSE.
Nomne dixi nummos, friend on the right horse pose ?"
Fige pluima in your hat, and ecce Maccaroni!


The quarrel arose from Miss S. stating to a mutual friend that Miss T.'s
back hair was principally false.


_ ------l~-L--~ /




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