Front Cover
 Title Page
 September 20, 1862
 September 27, 1862
 October 4, 1862
 October 11, 1862
 October 18, 1862
 October 25, 1862
 November 1, 1862
 November 8, 1862
 November 15, 1862
 November 22, 1862
 November 29, 1862
 December 6, 1862
 December 13, 1862
 December 20, 1862
 December 27, 1862
 January 3, 1863
 January 10, 1863
 January 17, 1863
 January 24, 1863
 January 31, 1863
 February 7, 1863
 February 14, 1863
 February 21, 1863
 February 28, 1863
 March 7, 1863
 March 14, 1863
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00003
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00003
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Preface 1
        Preface 2
        Page 1
        Page 2
        Page 3
    September 20, 1862
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    September 27, 1862
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    October 4, 1862
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    October 11, 1862
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    October 18, 1862
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    October 25, 1862
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
    November 1, 1862
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
    November 8, 1862
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
    November 15, 1862
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
    November 22, 1862
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
    November 29, 1862
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
    December 6, 1862
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
    December 13, 1862
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
    December 20, 1862
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
    December 27, 1862
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
    January 3, 1863
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
    January 10, 1863
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
    January 17, 1863
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
    January 24, 1863
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
    January 31, 1863
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
    February 7, 1863
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
    February 14, 1863
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    February 21, 1863
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 229
        Page 230
    February 28, 1863
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 239
        Page 240
    March 7, 1863
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
    March 14, 1863
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 262
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
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    Back Cover
Full Text




~~i- I-


-VII awituw^


- -II




/ -2







Y Il iiil ILEXA-UiND.RA-thel Fair Maid of De)mark-had arrived. From Copenhi agent to
!il Charing-cross, from Westminster to Windsor, bright baees and gas stars had
illumined her path, and the Royal Bride had made a Princely husband and the
People of two kingdoms happy. Eight cecntries had enabled Timie the
SAvenger to bring about his greatest triumph over the Past. The sons of
SAlbion had again a Danish descent upon their shores, lut all ilnglaid know
Si that with such a wedding ring-leader the nortiheTr force was irresistible.
V\ -l V a Their Prince had succumbed, vanquished by thle steadly lire of Ihose soul-
piercing eyes, long-used to conquest. Cupid's arrow l:ad pelnet raed his
heart; and, arrived at the age of discretion, hle had sii''urredered willi it. IThe
\ f! lags of all nations had fluttered in lthe air to celellra te fl. joyolls event--llth
7p ,\ t lII; : flags of all London had echoed witil tie joyous foot'thls of Olillions hliurrying,
'A / I I to behold the event celebrated. "' Welcome !" had been shouted everywhere,
-M- f/ -s from the depths of the heart to tl he height of the voice, t1l1 t1hal, igllhly
SIN,, empire on which the slave cannot stand nd the sunt cannot set, was throbbing
A" with a thrill of delight to the very centre.
It was over.
Talked over. Thought over. Turned over to History, who, borrowing a phlne from the bird of' Paradise,
recorded it in letters of gold. Read over by emigrants in front of Australian log-huts, and settlers in tihe backwoods
of Canada. Made merry over under an Indian sun, and smoked over with the Indian weed beneath a, tropical
moonlight. The Laureate, after bathing his burning brow with the dews of Parnassus, and writing it over and over,
had at last produced his chef d'ceuvre. Even the official blunders made upon the occasion had been looked over, and
the crustiness of a fine old port had been got over, although the place for the Royal landing had not been named
All were Happy.
The present company of course excepted.
The company consisted of two, for three would have been none.
Both were together.
They were a Prince and a Princess, and both were as good as they were handsome, and as handsome as tley
were good.


What, tlho, is wanted to complete thy happiness ? Hast thou not seen, as I have promised, all that makes
England great ? "
I would learn the secret of its prosperity, of the general happiness I see around me," was the reply.
Look forth T!e walls of the royal apartment opened, and revealed fertile plains, rich with luxuriant crops,
and animated by groups of fat sheep and oxen, grazing knee-deep in rich, odorous pastures, whilst hundreds of
picturesque and prosperous homesteads looked down upon the smiling valley. ActlIcrfLTUR;E."
Still the Princess sighed, and said, "I see it not."
"Again! and the picture presented the population of the City, like a hive of bees, freighting the ships whose
sails whiten the oceans of the world. CO.MMERCE."
Still the Princess sighed, and said, I see it not."
Once more and the view this time disclosed was shadowed by the domes of ancient universities, where grave,
studious men were deep in meditation over classic volumes. "LEARNInG."
But still the Princess sighed, and said, Alas! I see it not."
Then tile Prince waved his wand again, and lo! a volume of crimson cloth, illuminated in gold, appeared before
lihem, and the three letters upon it were "F U N."
And joy beamed in the eyes of the fair Princess, and she flung herself into the arms of her delighted husband,
and exclaimed, Oh happiness is mine I see it now "
And the THIRI VOUMsE OF FUN was the Bridal Gift proclaimed of higher value than all the rest, and all who
possessed it had a charm from that time forth which suffered not the shadow of a care to fall upon the domestic

And at this date the court of SIR ORESSWIA,I CRESSWELL became extinct.

a _0

SURE the time's approaching when, without encroaching,
Or rudely poaching, on your manor, FUN,
A composition, for your competition,
May relate the vision of my father's son.
When the month was August, and when ne'er a raw gust,
Or wind unseemly, disturbed my sleep,
By the trickling fountains of the Wicklow mountains,
I fell serenely into slumbers deep.
Soon forms entrancing, in order dancing,
Were gaily prancing on either hand;
And with satisfaction at the whole transaction,
I watched the action of the Fairy Band.
There was gamesome HuouRn, with no shade of gloom or
Unseemly tumour, his face about;
And bold ERUDITION conceived ambition
To tell his mission to FATHER PR-T
" Dulce et decorum "-here I fell before 'em,
But they feared he'd bore 'em, did all the rest;
So, with shrieks of silence," that were heard a mile hence,
They struck with violence upon his chest.
Then ERUDITION, in a flat position, *
Expressed contrition for his pedantree,
Whilst a winsome fairy, with love-locks airy,
(Just like my MARY!) she says, says she:
" 0 bard neglectful, and disrespectful!
"Why slumber idly 'till the prize is won ?
"Rouse up, old sinner, and prove the winner,
"In the competition for the praise of FUN !
"There's HARRISON AINSWORTH is scarce your pains worth-
"There's PETER CUNNINGHAM, at his old punning game,
"And SAVAGE LANDOR, with his classic style!
"To join the gala there's AUGUSTUS SALA ;
"There's a mighty mystic from the distant states;

And there's jolly pickings to be got from DICKENS,
"And a dash of humour in EDIMUND YATES !
There's MAKEPEACE TIACKEIRAY, may all his pack array
Of cards, and quackery smite with sneers;
And SAMUEL WARREN, from reasons foreign,
May show the length of his legal cars!
"MAYNE REID," says the Fairy, of the broad Po-ra.ry
And the light barranca, may toll Iis tale;
"But the Poet CLOSE is employed by MOSES,
"And his contribution will therefore fail!
"Up, up, unseat them Up, up, and beat them !
"Up, up, defeat them! I'll go you halves "
Then the winsome Fairy, with love-locks airy,
(Just like my MARY !) she pinched my calves !
With speed awaking, with wonder shaking,
I saw them breaking away from view;
And the vision golden passed o'er the olden
Wicklow mountains, with shadowy liuo!
In a humour frisky, I swallowed whisky,
(There's inspiration in every flask!)
And home returning, with ardour burning,
I bent my strength to my mighty task !
By return of post, sir, or in two at most, sir,
I shall hope to hear that the prize is won;
Congratulation from the Irish nation
Will greet the bard who is first in FN !

regardless of the difficulties with which his policy has surrounded dihe
KING OF ITAIfr, is off to Biarritz. Like Sit B]OYLE RocHE's celebrated
bird, he apparently possesses the power of being in two places n,
once; for while he goes to Biarritz for the benefit of ino sea, hle also
stays at Rome for the benefit of another see.
Too TRUE.-Poor GARIBALDI is reported to have two wounds ;- ho
has three, the last, though not the least, being in his magnanimous
ON how many banks does the Thames keep a -unni:.g account ?






EEING an article, dear Mr. Editor,
in your last number upon an
advertisement for a governess with-
out crinoline, I am tempted to
send you an extract from a para-
graph in the Bristol Times, on the
I universal use of that article of
apparel by every class of women.
Of course, you know a governess
is a lady, and with your remarks
upon the unfeeling impertinence of
confounding ladies of education
S with domestic servants, I quite
agree. I am only grieved that
you didn't hit out (to use a low,
slang phra-se of EDWIN'S) a little
more severely at the preposterous
habit that common people have of
late fallen into, of imitating, on a
S ridiculously exaggerated scale, the
dress and appearance of ladies in a
siupc,ior grade of life. Hero is the paragraph I alluded to:-
"A CnaINoriu C'oirMoTro.--At an inquest held on Monday by Mn. Gsun'sir,
anld which was upon a young woman residing on the Cut, who met her deathby
her clothes catching fire, the coroner said that 'whenever he saw any women,
except those of rank and importance, dressing in crinoline, he tookitfor granted
that they wore endeavouring to hide the discredit which, under peculiar circum-
stances, would attach to a young unmmarried woman. Certainly he might be
mistaken, and perhaps hl was in some instances; iut if a woman renders
her appearance hideias which ought to be becoming, one could scarcely help
drawing an inference which he, for one, thought very natural! '"
There, Mr. Editor, what do you think of that ? Don't you consider
that that paragraph is calculated to cover all respectable but showy
girls with confusion ? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I intend
to road this paragraph, when I got home, to all myj servants,
excopt, of course, JoHN and CoRADn, to whom it doesn't apply.
I needn't toll you, Mr. Editor, that when I showed the para-
graph to EpwiR lie talked very indignantly about what he called the
disgustilig impropriety of making insinuations of the kind in reference
to a body on which an inquest was being held; and said that the poor
girl's relatives were no doubt sufficiently distressed at her frightful
end (seo had been burnt to death) without having their grief augmented
by such disgraceful and unfeeling remarks, which, whether they were
justified or not by the facts of the case, should never have been
publicly made, for they had nothing to do with the case in point;
and then had the insolence to say, in his sarcastic Wiay, that he
supposed Mn. GRINDON made an exception in favour of rank and
importance, because ladies of rank and fortune are well known to be
so immaculate as to be quite beyond the possibility of suspicion. But
then, oh, dear me! you know what a man he is, Mr. Editor! He
makes a point of never agreeing with me, and so his opinion cannot
possibly be worth having.
We are, you see, at Boulogne again, where we stay fo; a fortnight
or three weeks, before we go to Brighton. And, oh Mr. Editor, you
can't toll how frightfully and abominably burnt I am, from sitting all
the morning on the sands, done quite to rags, as EDWIN is good
enough to remark.-Believe me to be, sincerely yours,
Iotel des Baines, Boulogne-sur-Mer. ANGOELINA BROWN.

EVERY Englishman hates slavery from his heart, and longs to see
the day when it shall be swept from the face of the earth. But let
no man imagine that in upholding the Federal cause he is in any way
assisting to bring about this desirable consummation. PRESIDENT
LINCOLN, in the plainest terms, in a letter to HORACE GREELY, says :-
"If I could save the Union without freeing any slave, I would do it; and if I
could save it by freeing all the slaves, I would do it; and if I could do it by
freeing some and leaving others alone, I would also do that. What I do about
slavery and the coloured race, I do because I believe it helps to save this
This is speaking truth with a vengeance, but we doubt whether it
shames the devil; at all events, LIxCOLN, who is proverbially over-
looked by him, is not ashamed of it.

AusTRIA PRaoER.-We should like to see it.

[SEPTEMBER 20, 1862.

DOG.-A domestic animal from a very early period, and there's no
place like HOiER for seeking the proof of it. For nearly three
thousand years the dog has been regarded as the faithful friend and
natural ally of man, so that it has natural-ally followed him.through
every region of the earth. By some naturalists it has been main-
tained that the dog originally sprung from the wolf, but when you
carefully examine the latter you will agree with us that few things are
less like to a-cur. A dog may be taught to do almost anything,
running through what may be called a curriculum of study in a very
short period. When hot he puts out his tongue, and wags his tail to
show his master what he considers school and comfortable. A fair
specimen of what can be done in doggerel lines, or dog-Latin, may
often be met with if you choose to examine, even in a cursory way,
one of these dogs-scholars. All dogs under six months old are
exempt from duty, the tax-gatherer making his claim on the principle
of going on the old dog or none.
DOLL.-A small image in the human form made for the amusement
of little girls, and a toy which peculiarly enables them to show their
little whim in. The universal love amongst female children of fondling
something suggestive of a baby has been long considered a curious
psychological phenomenon, and in this respect the doll, which a girl
would dandle with pleasure, is something which no philosopher
apparently could handle at all.
DRAMA.-A theatrical entertainment which was originally meant
to amuse, and is still considered as a kind of amusement. For many
years the drama has been declared to be in a declining state, but
as this has been chiefly asserted by those who cannot get their
manuscripts accepted, we may believe the phrase refers only to the
managers, who are always found by them in a declining con-
dition. When a good piece is indifferently acted, we may decidedly
include the drama amongst those things which are not so bad as they
are represented. If, as some suppose, it is now upon its last legs,
the best use is certainly being made of them, fbr recently have been
achieved the most remarkable runs on record. Modern pieces may
be divided into two classes-those that are adapted to the English
stage, and those that are not adapted to it at all. When "another
novelty" is announced in the playbills, we may understand it to
imply that another novel has been turned into a drama; our
dramatic architects of the present day generally being satisfied with
making their great houses of one story. Old playgoers affirm that
there is nothing to be seen anywhere now-a-days, and thus feel loss
of eyes with the present generation, who are obliged to take to
spectacles. Originality in dramatic authorship is rarely to be met
with at present, but what this stage fails to produce, let us hope the
next age will bring forth.
DREAJIS.-An excursion train of thought which, irrespective of all
stations, comes over sleepers without being under the control of
reason. Having nothing to do with the will, dreaming may be con-
sidered as the wont of most persons. If the dream be remembered,
it is popularly believed to signify something; and if it be not remem-
bered, it is satisfactory to know that it doesn't signify at all. The
visions of the night are generally made up of experiences of the day
before; so if, on waking in the morning, you find you have had dreams
of paper, it is most likely you have made an extensive purchase at a
stationer's a short time previously.

IT is a very sad thing to find the head of a distinguished and
numerous family obliged, by extreme destitution, to "put up" to
public raffle the odds and ends in the shape of presents received in
the days of affluence and prosperity. The following is going through
the columns of the Catholic papers :-
"A large number of ofcings which have been made to the Pori are to be
disposed of by a general distribution, in aid of the necessities of the Sovereign
Pontiff, on the 9th of December, the price of the tickets, entitling purchasers
to a chance of a prize, being fixed at 10d., or five for 4s."
Only 10d. a member! or five chances for 4s., thereby saving 2d. i
No doubt, among the prizes will be found the old cap of liberty.
The destitute old gentleman intends to retain some little souvenirs of
friendship; amongst which are a quantity of French small-arms,
presented by a friend, and the transcript of an emperor's will.
THE Federal army surgeons ought to be well supplied with shin-
plasters, as the troops, when they have an engagement with the enemy,
suffer most in the legs, by having to de so much masterly retreating.

SEITEuBEE 20, 1862.] IF T IN. 3

I AN getting very dreamy-comes there nobody to see me,
Clams no brisk reverberation of a rapping at the door,
Amd the door, as it impinges on its rust-aooruing hinges,
vGrateth harshly as it turneth o'er the foot-deserted floor;
And my shelves are getting dusty, and the key is turning rusty,
In the cellaret where lurketh sundry bottles, one or more,
For the friend I give a hint to, when he's passing to pop into
The house I play the host in, with a spirituous store.
A box inscribed Havannah," I am emptying in a manner
That I really am ashamed of, as I view it day by day,
And remember there is only in his desolation lonely,
One solitary smoker putting these cigars away.
My meerschaum bowl capacious, that extorts a Goodness gracious"
From laughing lips that wonder how I smoke it, as they ay,
Beholds.its cloud of vapour cut an isolated caper,
Without the old commingling with a kindred yard of clay,
I walk into the city, but the features that were pretty,
And which used to look so pleasant as ane strolled along the
Have vanished, for the most part, from the city to the coast part,,
And certainly not Grecian are the noses that we meet.
The everlasting faces at the old familiar places,
Are these or ancient fidgets, who are always left behind,
AM by constant observation is the very indentation
Of the pavement lithographically printed on my mind.
And thus, when out I'm stirring, do the lampposts, oft reotrig,
With that shape that never alters, tire the jaded senses out,
Each policeman has his brother, all so like to one another,
That they seem the human harvest of some battered seeds about.
Oh! that same eternal sameness; oh! that drear autumnal tameness,
Oh! those solemn-clustered chimney-pots before me every day;
Oh! to be in town unchanging, whilst all others far are ranging,
Is to aggravate a man to go and make himself away.
If daylight seems unto me, here in London dull and gloomy,
'Tis at night I have the horrors, and at home can never stop,
Yet, without a point to walk to, no companion left to talk to,
On the merest chance acquaintance what a happiness to drop.
Oh! I'm getting very weary of a solitude so dreary,
Of diving into taverns for an undesired chop,
Just to mix with human nature, where I do not know a creature
To whom a civil question I could reasonably pop.
It was once some recreation, when I felt the mind's stagnation,
To see if farce or drama would my drooping spirits raise,
But e'en this is now denied me, so severely have they tried me,
With perpetual Lord Dundrearys, Colleen Bawns, and Peep o' Days.
What to me the Exhibition, though it's made a large addition
To the city's population, they won't get me there again,
All I care about, or thereabout, are going everywhere about,
And now for one familiar face I stare about in vain.
I LAWRENCE, snug and cozy, left on board the Baron Osy,
And not for three long weeks will he turn up in town again;
Whilst ramble-loving MURRAY goes to stroll about through Surrey,
And DEANE has packed his sketch-book up, and started off for
There's HORSLEr writes from Dover.that he thinks of crossing over,
With tourists bound for Belgium, and CUNNINGHAM besides,
Says. not to be behind, too, that he's quite made up his mind to
Do all places mentioned in the Continental Gilides."
There's HOGARTH down at Margate, and young JONES who did so
far get
As to travel (via Folkestone) to the continental shore,
Has with PERKINS gone to Paris, where that gay young fellow,
Who said he should but stay a day, has stopped a month or more;
And BATES is strolling idly o'er the sands that spread out widely,
From the beach of dull old Worthing down to Bognor on the west,
Which the SMYTHES would go and stop in, upon whom I used to drop in
For a friendly little game at whist, before I went to rest.
JOE ROBINS, in his letter, says that felt he never better
(He is trudging through the Tyrol with his knapsack on his back),
And the BECFORDs and the RUSSELLS, both have written home from
To say that they are thinking of a journey in his track.

There's JOTCE, who's in the law way, gone to spend a month in
And PEARSON, in the Highlands, says the whisky is divine;
Whilst Guawss has in his cranium thoughts of doing Herculaneum,
And of going up Vesuvias after going down the Rhine.
Friend Mooas I hadn't heard of for a month, has sent me word of
The jolly sort of fishing to be had in Weymonth Bay,
And BaowN, who finds diversion in a Sunday's cheap excursion,"
Says health requires the dose to be repeated every day.
Oh I'm getting very weary of a solitude so dreary,
Of diving into taverns for that endless mutton chop,
Just to mix with human nature, though I do not know a creature
With whom in conversation for one hour I could stop.

Til sn1~jeot of this present memoir is but a very empty oa t to
come rumblig at the heels of such a team of high-o.a.l moos.
We almost owe an apology to the public for introducig into ou aeries
of Eminent Statesmen one who is neither a statesman nor eminnt.
In truth, fearful that the array of talent we have reviewed hitherto
would prove too much for our readers, we purposely introduce Loan
ROBERT as a change. Mindful of the old story about Tojowure Ptrdrii',
we fancy, after so much as we have had about brains until now, little
of his lordship's bread sauce will be an agreeable variety.
Eton and Oxford share between them whatever honour it may be to
have educated him. We suspect the honour is so small, that they
would hav3 to call in mathematical Cambridge to divide the infinitesi-
mal atom for them. At Oxford he was a member of Christ Church,
wearing, as a nobleman, the "tuft," or gold tassel, which is perhaps
the only brilliant thing of which his head lhas over been guilty. In
1853 he obtained a fellowship at All Souls College. The requisite
qualifications for that honour are that the candidate should be bene
iatus et modico doctus." That lie was the first was considered proved
by his being born the son of the second MARquis 0o SALISBUtRY; that
he was modice "-very modico-" doctus," very moderately learned,
no one dreamt of denying.
In the August of the same year in which ie obtained this fellowBsip,
he became the august representative of Stamford. llo was not
opposed, probably because the Liberals know ho was inoro calculated
to injure his own party by his advocacy than theirs by his opposition.
Since that time he has uninterruptedly. represented Staniforol. If hl
had also continuously sat for it, he would have savLd lth reporters
much trouble and the readers of the debates much twaddle. As it is,
he frequently rises to his feet, but never rises to eloquence.
What ho is pleased to term his political opinions aro of the old Con-
servative school; and ho flings the dead weight of his personal in-
fluence into LoaRD DERBY's scale. He is naturally opposed to national
education-at least so long as it is based on any sensible and practicable
scheme. He, of course, disapproves of Reform, which would to a ccr.
tainty sweep him, and any place that could fancy itself fitly repro-
sented by him, out of Parliament. It has indeed been whispered that
Stamford, at the time of his elections, was threatened with dis-
franchisement,-but chose the lesser of two evils, and accepted him
as the Chiltern Hundreds of representation. To the Ballot he objects
strongly, as might be expected of one for whom no man would, from
choice, vote secretly-or, from shame, vote openly, unless under the
" screw."
Besides being a Member of Parliament, ho is a doputy-lieutenant
and a magistrate for Middlesex. The last two appointments were
probably given him because Nobody can be in three places at once.
For a county magistrate he is eminently fitteA, and whln a second
BURN is found to compile a BURN'S JusticeC Justice," it is to be
hoped his lordship's portrait will form the frontispiece.
In compiling this memoir, and trying to make something of the
subject, we have laboured under the difficulty that ex nihilo fi niit l,
which may be Englished as You can't make a silk purse out of a
sow's ear," or "You can't make an eminent statesman out of Loji
ROBERT CECIL." In our endeavour to do so we have been chiefly on.
courage by the knowledge that by giving his life in the first number
of the new volume of FUN, we have conferred on him an immortality
he is never likely to obtain for himself.

CARRYING IT A LITTLE TOO FAR.-Wo know a gentleman who, a
few years ago, when the French authorities were monstrously par-
ticular on the question of smuggling, actually had his teeth stopped
at Boulogne!


[SEPTEMBER 20, 1862.



(From the Mudpool Mercury.)
THI news from America is still very conflicting. On the one hand,
it is assorted that JAcKsON has crossed the stream of the Chickabiddy
(which divides the upper glacis of Pittsburg from the swamps of the
Mamee), and is in fall retreat upon Washington. On the other hand,
there seems every reason to believe that M'CLETLAN'S strategic
scheme-namely, that of turning BEAUREGARD'S left by an advance in
quartor-distance columns of battalions in echelon-is being carried to
a successful issue. Speaking as one who has had considerable
experience in the tented field, I am of opinion that, whilst the country
is still harassed by marauding bands of chcvaux de frise, it would be
the height of imprudence for HALLECK to neglect his pontoons. Be
this as it may, I vouch for the fact that ammunition has been supplied
to both armies by their respective governments. This indicates
The report of an approaching marriage between LEOTARD and a lady
well known for her wealth and benevolence (and who resides not
a hundred miles from Stratton-street, Piccadilly), gains ground, and I
am now in a position to inform you that Miss B. C. (not for worlds
would I divulge her name) will be given away by MR. ANTHONY
TROLLorP. The honeymoon will be passed at Highbury Barn, where
MR. SPURGEON has just been engaged to make his first appearance as
second low comic.
The theatrical world is still occupied by the fact that MR. FALCONER
has taken Drury Lane. I am in possession of exclusive information
as to the terms of the agreement. It would appear that the lease is
for seventy-two years, and MR. F. has conceived the happy idea of
treating the whole of that period as one single season. The first
sixty-eight years of his management will be devoted to an introductory
monologue, paper for which is new being manufactured not a hundred

miles from Dartford, in Kent. On the termination of the inaugural
address, a sensation drama will commence. As the actors are not
yet born, it would be premature to give the cast, but there can be little
doubt that MR. T. P. CooKE will still be alive, and healthy enough to
dance a hornpipe. The culminating sensation scene will be the
destruction by fire of the entire theatre and audience. Arrangements
have been made with the insurance company, and a fresh clause
inserted in the policy, in accordance with the 24 Geo. III. sec. 47.
The town is full of literary gossip. MR. THOMAS CARLYLE is busily
engaged upon the libretto of a new opera by BALFE, entitled Sara
Gampi, in which the part of the heroine will be sustained by MR. E.
W. MACKNEY. Report speaks highly of MR. CARLYLE'S success; the
ballad, Which what I ses is Apes of the Dead Sea," being especially
mentioned as characterized by a pensive melancholy very appropriate
to the subject. MESSRS. THACKERAY and DICKENS are about to unite
their respective periodicals under the title A Magazine of Corn all the
Year Round up the Hill. The price will be threepence; and both the
editors have bound themselves by masonic vows not to write for it.
The poetical department will be undertaken by MR. W. WILLIAMS (of
Lambeth), and the scientific by MR. G. A. SALA.

A ScHoon FOR TYRANTS.-The CZAR'S second son is about to visit
America, in order to see how the Federals manage their government.
There is no doubt but that he will bring home many valuable hints
for his respected parent. Any despot might take a leaf out of the
Yankee book, and learn from it how to crush the liberty of the
subject and silence the press.
NEwS FROM THE NURSERT.-The child who cried for an hour, one
day last week, didn't get it!
Band of Bothers."

F uT I"T.-SEPTEMBER 20, 1862.

- --~------ -
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Fun (loq.):-" LOOK OUT FOR THE WAVE!"

SEPTEMBER 20, 1C82.]

U11 TN.


,- t _/ I
--- ... -





"'TIs money makes the mare to go,"
And with the railway train 'tis so;
The companies, for love of gain,
They run the rash Excursion Train,
Singing, "Hei! for the Excursion Train,
And ho! for the Excursion Train !
We'll risk a smash to win the cash,
So, ho! for the Excursion Train!"
Their staff is not too large, be sure,
The usual traffic to secure;
But ere they'll pay a larger staff,
They'll ran all risks, at danger laugh,
Singing, "Hei! for the Excursion Train !" etc.
The signals are uncertain, too,
The signalman's too much to do;
But when one man does work for three,
How great the saving is, they see,
Singing, "Hei for the Excursion Train!" etc.
No wonder, too, mishaps befall
The trains, at intervals so small;
But thea the more they start, they know
The greater profit thence will flow,
Singing, "Hei for the Excursion Train!" etc.
The smugglers said, in smuggling days,
One cargo run, twelve losses pays;"
The railways count a train, safe through,
Will clear an accident or two,
Singing, Hei! for the Excursion Train!" etc.
"Profit and loss," the rule of trade,
Thus to apply by them is made;
The public suffers losses all-
The profits to the railways fall,
Singing, "Hei! for the Excursion Train!" etc.
Suppose, then, we unite to stay
These murders in the wholesale way;
Suppose, until quite safe each line,
We all Excursion Trains decline,
Singing, Nay to the Excursion Train!.
And No to the Excursion Train!.
We'll risk no smash to gain you cash,
So, No to the Excursion Train !"

I __ _1

Important Disovecry!.-Our astronomer has lately discovered an
entirely now and original constellation; it is distantly related to
the Ursa Major, and is entitled the Norfolk Howard Star, or the
Constellation of the Bug-bear.
To Wlater-Drizklers.-Tectotallers intend holding their next great
meeting in the Temperate Zone.
From tlhe Equator.-In the neighbourhood of the equator there will be
a grand review of the line regiments.
Visitors to town will find comfortable quarters in the present year.

14, Discourse on Church Restoration. Churches to be restored
to their original owners before the Reformation.
15 M Inauguration of the New Joint Stock Company for trust-
ing the senses with sixpence a day. Limited liability.
16 Tu Angling for pikes by the toll-keepers on Watorloo-bridge.
17 W FUN appears printed in FUN-otypo.
18 Ti Dull. Stop at homo, and sing Del-co domum." Tf you
can't do this, go to DI)u-wich and play on the d(l-'iieor.
19 F Deputation to F. (Filosopher) MARTIN Tur'l'ri to sik hlin
how he is ? Before dinner he, in reply, signs hiniself
M.T., and the affecting ceremony is concluded.
20 S Rejoicing from ten till four. Tub night and fireworks in
honour of Tib-ALr CAIN.
Roses.-About this timo all gardeners should cultivate the budding
Alderman Rose, with a view to a handsome return during the winter
season in the way of invitations to the Mansion House, whore le will
most probably bloom as the Lord Mayor Rose.
Our Second Grand Flower, Fruit, and Vegetable Show was hlld
last Wednesday. The entries of fruit were unusually numerous, and
the chief exhibitor showed serious signs of illness in consequence. It
is calculated that he ate seventy-eight peaches, which lie had much
admired. The following prizes were given:-For dahlias, a twenty
horse-power steam-engine; for the best cuttings, one good cutting on
the head with a thick stick ; for the best phlox, a sheep, warranted ;
for the finest verbenas, an entirely now balloon. Tho successful can-
didates expressed themselves highly pleased with their rewards, and
were only prevented from demonstrating their gratitude by thI
presence of a strong body of police, each with a geranium in hi:i
The Kitchen Garden.-(Contributed by our IHead Gardcner.)-Shavo
the head, water it, cover with flannel, water it again, and sow mus-
tard and cross; in a few days you will have a fine crop.
IHow to Make an Even lYalk.-Saunter about the garden from six
o'clock P.At. until eight p.M. This will bo an even walk.
Orchard.-There is much amusement to be got out of apple-
growing; enter your orchard every morning, say, "So it np-pears,"
and laugh heartily. Make your gardener join in your merriment, or
stop his wages.
Garden, Enjoyment.-Tako your watering-pot well filled; mount a
ladder; look over your neighbour's wall ; ompty the contents of the
watering-pot on him unawares; wlhoi he looks up, say, How are
you ?" and come down quickly. If asked afterwards, say it wasn't
you. Capital fun.
Hobo to Combine Gardening and Boating.-Mako a hedge row.
Nuts are now in season; pick them off your neighbour's hedge ; if.
caught trespassing, and asked what you're doing, reply calmly,
"Nutting." Never use the whip to a cob-nut, and for exercise take a
canter on a filly-bert every other morning. If you cat too many nuts
you must expect to feel unutterable things.
To the rude question, Has your mother sold her mangel ?" reply,
"Yes, and is now sowing beetroot.
Now is the time for tanning gooseberry skins. For sixpence you
can procure a good tanner.

Tittles.-No; you father cannot possess a mother-wit.
Classicus.-Right again. When a Roman felt jolly, he always walked
along the 'Appy'un Way.
Snub.-Shaving makes the hair grow stronger. Well, reason by
analogy. If you want a longer nose, cut off'the end constantly, and
it will soon attain the required length.
File.-You would like to learn the use of a latho, would you? Very
simple. Buy a lathe, fit it up gorgeously; and, if it delights you,
the new possession will begin by turning your head.

~_ ~



1111 2I~ ~ 01'__ __ __

r I.
/ 7~

i; > d'~< i
I ,a C4 (2 .- ri3 ~,/


DEAR ANNE,-Sinco our stay in town we have been to many places
of enjoyment and clegation, but never were we more abused than the
other night when we paid a visit to Astley's Royal Camphortheatre.
Before tolling you about the plays which we saw deformed there, I
must give you some lotion of the building. It is situated on the
other side of Westminster-bridge, by which I mean the side composite
to that where the Houses of Parliament, under our most delicious and
gracious QUEEN, are at this time dissembled, and is extinct from all
other places near it by having a portugal with four pillows in front,
an hallucination in gas on the top by night, and a flaming blackguard
with a picture of what's going on inside by day. Besides the play-acting
on the stage, where horses are induced, there is also a suckers-which
is a roaming name for a circle-in the centre of the inferior of the build-
ing, just where the pit would naturally be in another place. First
there came the orchestrian drama called Mazeppa, which was written
by the late LORD BYRON, specially, I should imagine, to suit the
execrations of the stage. It is a dreadful story; there is a young
person called MAZEPPA. Well, lie's a Tater and son of a Can, and
he falls in love with OLINSKA, the daughter of a Pole. Well, her
father, who's as wicked an old man as you'd ever wish to see,
won't hear of the match, and so he tells a lot of soldiers and
other people to tie MAZEPPA on a wild horse, which they do, and
away he goes full gallop up the Carpeted mountains, and such a noise
he makes as he's plunging away, oh! it's awful! Well, then the wild
horse dashes across a stream pursued by wolves and an eagle, but
they couldn't any of 'em get very fast through the water, and then
the horse is stopped by the fall of a seedy tree, and MAZEPPA is found
very tired by the Taters and their Can. There are two savage villains
who want to murder him, but they can't, as he defeats their hilarious
produce. Then the Can, MAZEPPA, and the whole lot of 'em, invade
Poland, and in the last scene there is a very fine fight between the
Poles and Taters, when the battle, I fancy, was chiefly won by a very
funny man with a large turban on his head, who fought with a stick
like a Paris beetle's. After this came scenes in the circle; here

we saw (among others too humourous to name, who all leapt and
jumped and stood in altitudes as easily as if they were on the
ground) MDLLE. LOUISE MASOTTr, a populous female orchestrian
in an ordinary riding habit, who executed a "choker" (that's the
name of some dance) on a splendid-looking chestnut animal. There
was also a French gentleman, Ma. GounlMIT, who jumped as high
and as quickly as his horse did, through hoofs of paper and over
regular huddles and five-bard gates. We were much abused by two
clowns, one of whom, MR. F. BEVAN, detracted most delicious music
out of a few bars of wood, which he hit with a stick; and then gave
us a duet on two penny whizles, which he played both at the same
time. There was a bally afterwards, but as there was no speaking I
could not make out what they meant to defer. When you come up to
town, this is one of the places you must go and see, and being some-
thing of an orchestrian yourself, you'll enjoy it.
We have seen a great many things, but a deal still remains; I
want MR. H. to spend this winter in town, though, of course, between
this and that we must get some sea air to refrigerate us.
Altogether we have spent a very pleasant season in town, and have
seen a great manyof the notaries, both polennical and civil, dramatic and
operatic. Of this last we have heard PATTY, TITrrTINS, and the great
tenor, the sweet MARROW ; but I do regret that we were not here
some seasons ago to hear the celebrated PICK-A-HOLE-IN-ME, who is, I
believe, married to an extinguished farrier, of the Russian or Italian
persuasion. We are thinking of visiting either Margate, Ramsgate,
or Brighton, on account of the benefit which a dip in the tiny ocean
would do to my daughter. Mn. H. has, I fancy, got an imitation to
go shooting somewhere. He was talking at one time of going to
Sammy fish in Norway and Swindle, but I should think he'd hardly
be sufficiently venison to go abroad just now when VIGoo ENAMEL and
GARRY BALDY, and FRANCIS THE SICKENED are making the continent
so very uncomfortable to travellers. But we shall see. In the mean
time, believe me, even in the present elocutionary state of Europe, your
fond and peaceful sister, MARY ANNE HODGKINSON.

SEPTEMBER 20, 1862.1


EAR FUN,-You'll hardly believe,
but yet 'tis true, that I had quite
.U 4 forgotten the existence of this great
and important race, until happen-
ing to meet with M. ROBIN, the
'celebrated wizard, I casually asked
him "what he was going to do
to-morrow ?" His answer was
characteristic and comprehensive.
"Leger-demar," he replied. "'Of
course," I cried, "how could 'I
have overlooked the fact. Leger-
the Leger-to-morrow; though,
by the way, he was wrong as to
the day, as it doesn't come off
until the appearance of your paper,
a compliment whioh I trust will 'be
appreciated.in the proper quarter.'
S Atonee, acting uponyour standing
orders, I prooured horses 'and
posted, as in the case of a Leger I always do.
Arrived in Donoaster. What an exciting scene!! y'friend, young
HORNER, led' me to a hospitable mansion, and was. immediately asked
"whatihe'd take-?" I, being tired, should have suggested'a :glass of
wine, bhut he at 'once took three 'to one :about The Marquis, for
which our ndole-hearted host seemed quite prepared. Soon after this
we walked to the paddock to pick up any stray bits of information.
Here (being known, of course, as your ,correspondent) the question
was put :to -me whether I'd like to be on the Stookwell colt I
acknowledged the honour intended, bat, being :no rider, respectfully
declined a proposition which, I confess, made me -start.
The whole place was imbued with the spirit of sporting. The
mayor and corporation were laying a stone for some building, the hens
were laying, and even the little children in the national school were
studying the first bet with which they were acquainted; I allude to
their alpha-bet. Some of the jockeys told me, in their own jocular
way, that they very seldom backed their horses: but, bless the stupid
fellows' hearts! it's that backing the horses, practised by a few, which
causes so many false starts. JOHN Scorr-no relation to A.-ScoT-
was looking very merry. We sat down to a pleasant dinner, where
the waiters, in sportive spirit, ran for a plate fof me. We had an
excellent saddle of mutton and a cup. After dinner we drank the
usual loyal toasts, commencing with La Reine. The spread being
finished, we paid a visit to one of the sporting quarters of the town.
The betting on the day of the race would be, I was informed, at a stand,
and, indeed, there didn't seem much doing-a great cry of "bar," but
very little wool. 'Oaractauos was reported to have been scratched in
consequence of a-hitch about him somewhere. Calabar'they said was
wrapped up in bandages, formed of what they make garters, I believe,
so that he may really be called -on :the sick-list. But, whoever
wins to-morrow, the prize will, I am sure, be given to-the right horse.
As the poet says, "Atra cura post equitem," i.e., "They take care to
have equity at the winning-post;" and the author was right, for -was
it not, if my memory serves me, the great Latin sporting writer
Ho-RAor ? Of course.
Good night! Early'shall I be up, and as your paper ds actually
being :issued and circulated you shall receive telegrams from ane,
short, pithy, and intelligible, giving you all the news. So leave a
space, and by that new and wonderful invention for printing three
hundred million copies a minute, which you keep under the counter,
insert the flying words.-Yours ever, MASTER BETTY.
Telegrams received during the day :-
First Telegram.--I'm all there.
Second Telegram.-Capital place near the ropes.
Third Telegram.-Lost my placeby going to send last telegram.
Fourth Telegram.-They've started! Glorious! Glorious!
Fifth Telegrama.-While I was writing the last telegram, something
won the race, and the Leger is over.

I'm going to give you the realtip, my noble sportsmen! I've got the
winner's name booked in my ledger, and I've backed him all round the
world to the starting-post again. You think it's The Marquis; on no
a-Count would I say it isn't just yet. As for Buckstone, he's had a

run at the IIaymarket with Lord D)uiicdrary, so ih ought to bo
in good training. Carisbrook ought to be as strong ai aa castle, and
Exchequer ought not to break down; but lilb is all chcquerod, so you
can argue naught about liim or Argonaut. As for the Stookwell
colt, of course, a Colt is a revolver, so it may turn out right in ihe
end, say you. But you haven't hit on the right horse yet. I know
him! Listen!
The horse that in the first will come-
The horse that to the post runs in-
The horse that posts ffor you the tin-
The horse that's certain not to miss-
The horse to win the Leger is-
[Pressure of matter compels us to let the rest of this prophecy stand
overuntil our next number.-ED.]

"MB. Panoumis literally prosecuted with boggars. The whole army of nobody,
dissolut,iimprovitent, and rapacious people-deserving and undeserving alike
-thru3groundtho man, and deafon'him with their clamour for gifis."
BEGGARS in shoals besiege your door,
'h, benefactor of the poor,
.And you are worried more and more,
By many a busy bee" body.
They rob you of your time by. stealth,
They would deprive you of your wealth,
They are depriving you of health,
You're growing a Parched Pea-body.
They think your purse can always run,
Like FoTruNATUS'S famous one,
Whose stock of coin was never done,-
This impudent and free body;
They fancy, from your kindness past,
In benefactions, thick and fast,
Your charity should alwayslat,
An Everlasting Xweaibedy.
With every flattenyfthey ply,
Your weary ear, as if to try,
And bid for further favours high,
A fulsome, fond-of-feo body;
They talk of you a lot of stuff,
Then for their wants state quaneowm stuff ,
And think to help it's claim enough
To call you a Sweet Pea-body.
Your privacy they still invade,
Your peace is gone, I am afraid,
Your business quite unsettled made
By suitors, not a wee body.
Well, send them to the right-about, *
And make it plain, beyond a doubt,
That you won't keep on shelling out,"
You're not such a Green Pea-body !

(Dedicated to the Quidnitnc" and Zingari" Cricket Clubs.)
IT is a fact worth knowing that the manly game of cricket can be
admirably and effectively combined with the noble sport of boating;
this mixture is termed aquatic cricketing, and maybe thus played:-
First choose your side, which should be the sea-side; pitch and tar
your stumps; any merchant ship will provide bales; select from the
nearest meadow a water-crease for ydur bowler; this gentleman
should be called Tom BowLmN', the darling of his crew. Make some
one your long stop-gallant mast. This being arranged, procure a jury
mast for umpire. The compass will act as "point," and each player
must run for the downs. A Loch 'Leven should be matched against
any evene. Send in a cutter" to do the batting, and the best play
will be to batten down the hatches.
The last ball in an over should be the bal-last in a boat. If any
one is mizen, you must supply his place.
When ladies play cricket against gentlemen, it will of course be a
she-leven versus a he-leven.



10 IF' [SEPTEMBER 20, 1862.

____ -- -

Cad to Swell (who, of course, never rode in an omnibus before):-" HI! YOU SIR! You's FORGOT YER WASHING !

IT is not a very unreasonable request to make to the theatrical
mechanist that the rushing cascade and rippling pool, which we some-
times hear as well as see on the stage, might be so managed as to
produce a more natural sound than the creaking of new boots. In
the same spirit of courtesy, it is not perhaps asking too much of the
writers of modern comedies if we urged them occasionally to try and
make some slight approach to the realities of life. What MR. MADDI-
soN Mou roN calls a comedy, and has further entitled She Would and
lie lVouldn't, is as curious a concoction of absurdities and impro-
babilities as ever bewildered a St. James's audience. An old
marchioness making a young nobleman believe that an elixir she has
swallowed has made her forty years younger, is an incident which
certainly does not come within the range of probabilities when the
scene is laid at Genoa, and the period of the action, as dated by the
costumier's chronology, is not further back than a century or two.
For the clumsy expedient of obtaining apparent rejuvenescence by
drinking the drops of a gipsy's phial, might have been advanta-
gously substituted the process with which MADAME RACHEL has
linked her name and fame. It would have been an attraction to her
old patients among the antiquated dames of the west end to have seen
the apparently feeble and wrinkled Marchioness di Villa Franca become
once more radiant with youth and beauty through the agency of the
notorious peach-blossom cream, alabaster powder, Arabian soap, Cir-
cassian bloom, and magnetic dew-water from Sahara, which have been
so freely talked about in the courts of law and bankruptcy. This
might have turned a bad piece into a good advertisement: as it is,
not even HMss IHERIImiRT'S wiles and smiles, not MR. GEORGE VINING'S
brilliant -'tcsses, not Mu. FRANK MATT-rEWS'S elaborate rolling of eyes
and words, not IMu. BELMOIuE'S adroitness in getting under a table for
couccahlent, nor Miss CLA.uR ST. CASSE'S effort to get over two songs

for display, could prevent the general conclusion that a more appro-
priate title might have been.given to the production by the author, if
the name bestowed had been changed to He Wbuld but he Shouldn't.
Brother Sam's Arrival is a great success at the Strand, and Ma.
BELFORD'S Lord Dundreary shows this famous nobleman, under a
SOTHERN aspect, oppressed by a heavier burthen of mystification than
ever. Next week I hope to be able to bestow the praise upon the
personation it deserves, but writing in a railway car has a tendency to
disturb the steadiness of calligraphy, and at present I am on my way,
with the rest of the metropolis proper, for a week at the seaside.
Where I am going I shall preserve a profound secret. Wagers may
be laid in the meantime, and they can be decided when I turn up.
But at all events, here goes- THE ODD MAN OUT.

HE'S MAD.-Our yachting friend, Tox DANE, of the Tower Hamlets,
says that, since the noble PREMIER has been made Lord Warden, he-
the noble PREMIER-has been in the habit of drinking "Cinque
Ports" every day after dinner! Our friend adds that his Lordship
must necessarily "mix his wines," as he takes five kinds; and that
he himself is of opinion that six ports-sea-ports-would be equally
appropriate beverages for his Lordship's use!

O" The SECOND Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with highly-
finished Comic Engravings by talented artists, and Hwmourous
Articles by distinguished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound
in Magenta cloth, gilt, price 4s. Gd., post free 5s.
Also, the Title, Preface, and Indle to the SECOND Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra NXmnber, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magencta cloth, gilt, Is. Gd. each.

Lr.,cn : Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHS TE, at the Ofice, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-September 20, 186.

SEPTEMBER 27, 1862.] TJ IS 1


'k I

-i.,T / 1^ ii

DEAR ANNE,-As Ma. H. has referred our trip to the sea-side until with him. A pleasant jolly face. A more cursing glance at many
next week, I thought that I couldn't do better than pay a visit to the inductions in this room, and then wo passed on to the TURNER collt ion.
Natural Gallery in Trafficker-square, where the NELSON camel is to Here is colour! laid on with no sparing and meeker hand, but good
be seen, with the statute of the great Animal himself on the top of it, dabs; and yet the defect is very striking. Tho large picture of
with a coil of rope round his legs. Here also are other statutes, such "Regulars leaving Rome" (which MI. H. says is perspective in the
as GENERAL HAVELOCK, the Indian mutineer, and the fountains, all of present state of Italian affairs) is very grand. It was all very well for my
which are playing together, though indeed the water part of the husband to draw my attention to the Blacksmith's Shop," and then
square is more like little penny skirts than anything else. However, turn his towards some young minxes who were ogling Mlt. 11. 1 saw
having noticed these sights, we went up the steps to the gallery, and them, and I'm sure that they were as highly coloured as anything in
when we had, as is usual at every place of amusement, given our the TURNEIt collation.
parasols to the man at the door, who in return furbished us with tickles, The painting of Nero and Neander was rather hazy, but then I
we began to look about us pervious to ascending the staircase. confess that my zoological knowledge is not so good as it might be.
On our right we saw a maple statute of SIR DAVID WILKIE. MR. H. Talking of that, the representation of A i'olly killing the Python "
said he was well executed, so I suppose he was a disloyal revel. There makes me sorry for the Regent's Park Gardens, to whom, fiild the
was a head of SIR WALTER ScorT, and a carving on a tablet of stone, public, this will be a dead loss. Just by the door is a posthumous
let into the wall, subscribing the Goddess Treatise rising from the sea portrait of MR. TURNER, which he did with his own hand. We then
to console Hercules for the loss of Pat reckless;" this last-named looked at the works of NICHOLAS PuSSy, MANI.LO, CrAWL:n, and
gentleman was, I suppose, an Irishman who had accidentally fallen ROBINS-PETER PAUL ROBINS they call him-and 1 do like his pictures.
into the ocean before the invention of the Royal Humane Society's I must not forget that one, of the "Judgment of Parish," but in what
bags. parish four people in such a state of crudity could have been allowed
On the wall we reserved a faint suppression of what appeared to to dissemble without the inference of thpbeadle or policeman, I don't
me to be a print or a drawing done in grayhounds. It was distended know; all I can say is, that there are some prunes who might object
for "Some Fellows and a Roarer," I think, but couldn't quite catch what to the proceeding. Altogether, I was disappointed with the Natural
MR. H. said on the subject, and the picture doesn't tell its own tail. Gallery; not with the pictures, but with the Gallery. It looks like a
I thought it rather indistinct, and on the whole would have been more succession of dingy red-papered dining-rooms, when the finnily have
fitted for genteel society with just a small amount of clothes. I often gone out of town, and the pictures have not been yet wrapped in
thought as I looked at the pictures of the old masters (old enough I brown holland. The absence of carpet and tables, and the presence
should have thought to have known better), what a very poor living a of a few chairs, greatly desist the seclusion. The weather is delight-
tailoranust have got in those days. The first painting that detracted ful, as it leaves me at present, which I hope you are. With love to all
our retention was a Land Slip," by TYPE, with figures. What a from me and the rest of us, 1 remain, your aflectionate sister,
charmingly soft and yellow effect And then the portrait of MARt ANNE HODGINSON.
"Remembrancer," (I used to take in at one time numbers of the Chr'is-
tian Remembrancer,) by himself; I don't think the writing under-
neath need have added that, as there was no one else in the picture THE PACIFIC Male.-JoIIN BiurtUr.


12 F


OU may believe me or not, dear Mr.
Editor, but I really think I have
more to put up with than any
married lady of my acquaintance.
SJust listen, and judge for yourself.

fully enjoyed the three weeks we
have spext in Boulogne, that I de-
termined to write off and ask
dearest mamma, in Bloomsbury.
square, to come over and spend the
remaining fortnight with us. I
must tell you that I didn't say a
word about this to EDwIN, because
I thought it would be one of those
delightful little surprises which are
always so much more enjoyable
than any anticipated pleasure.
Well, dear mamma wrote to say that
she would come by the long-sea
boat on Monday morning-that's
yesterday. So after our usual
bathe, I proposed, in the most
innocent way in the world, that we
should go and see the Panther
come in. It so happened that it
was a terribly rough day., with
a violent east-wester blowing; so
EnDWIN, who positively revels in
the misery of others, and who
never misses an opportunity of in-
.-.. dulging this unfeeling propensity,
a- t once agreed to my proposal.
S -_ Accordingly we went. EDoIN was
in high spirits at the unwholesome
appearance of some poor dear
f foreigners who were returning
from the Exhibition to their native
soil in complexions resembling that
of a potato-apple, and he was so
occupied in contemplating the piti-
able appearance of those poor men, that he never remarked the
presence of dearest mamma, dreadfully ill, and supported on each side
by my brothers IoRACE and VIaorGI-whom, by-the-bye, I certainly
did not invite. Poor dear mammanevcr looks pleasing in her travelling
dress at the best o' times, so I watched the effect of her appearance
on EnwrN with iomo degree of anprehension. As the group
approached, I thongirht it best to "cut in with this remark,-" Well,
I do declare to goodness gracious mn, if there isn't dearest mamma,
with IHoCACi and VIRGLI, my two darling brothers! How kind of
them! What a J,:'ightful surprise !" I had only got as far as this,
when I heard EWvtIN mutter a fearful oath (of which, I will only say
that it began with a very big D), and, on turning round, I saw him
elbowing his way through the crowd like a positive maniac. I had
no time to follow him, because I had to meet dearest mamma at the
Custom House ; on reaching home, however, I found that MR. EDWIN
had also returned, but had gone out again in a trcmandous hurry,
and on his table I found the following rough draft, or whatever you
call it, of a telegraphic message :-
"To TPHroAs ALI.NIGHT, Esq., c 7, Albany, London.-Send me a
telegram to come up to town immediately on important business.
Koop yourself disengaged every evening for the next fortnight.
I have only to add that the telegram came in due course, that
EDWIN started last night for Landon, and that goodness gracious only
knows what in the world ho and his bachelor friend are doing at this
moment.-Your wretched correspondent, ANGELINA BROWN.
Boulogne, 23rd September.

A QUESTION FR FAADAY.--When the thermometer falls, how often,
on an average, does it break ?
MATINEE MUhS1CALE."-Baby crying at five o'clock in the morning.
Is M. RAT-TAiSy a postman ? t


[SEPTEMBER 27, 1862.

No man writing about THOMAS MILNEs GIBSON can put pen to
untaxed paper without an eulogy of his unwearied onslaughts on the
taxes on knowledge. To him is it mainly owing that a cheap press
exists to give the people a voice, far more clear and unmistakable than
it was when its utterances were lost in the reverberations of Printing-
house-square. For this he shall be counted right honourable for
many a long year after the last PALMEaSTON ministry is over-and
the present one seems likely enough to last for ever.
THOMAs MII.NER GIBSON was the son of a country gentleman, and
was educated in the narrow school of politics which country gentlemen
then loved-perhaps still continue to love. A wrangler of Trinity
College, Cambridge, in 1880, "with all his blushing honours thick
upon him," he took his seat as the Conservative M.P. for Ipswich
in 1837. He was a promising Conservative member, and the country
gentlemen were delighted to find that rare thing-a really clever
man and yet downright Tory. But the narrow schoolroom in which
GIBSON had been reared had only limited his vision, and not dwarfed
his mind. "As the twig is bent the tree is inclined," may be a pro-
found truth in botany, but it 'is not so with humanity. Only
minds that have no backbones of their own can be so permanently
stooped and distorted. It was no wonder, therefore, that in
1839 Mn. GIiSON accepted the Chiltern Hundreds, and stood
again for Ipswich-but on those new principles to which his eyes, a
little dimmed for a while by the murky schoolroom alluded to, had
been gradually opening. You might as well have tried to dam back
the Thames with a tea-spoon as to have satisfied a mind like his with
Toryism. But Ipswich felt that it had been worthily represented by
him when his eyes were bandaged; it was, therefore, a compliment
that it declined him as a representative when be could see. Nothing
daunted, he tried in the same year to getin for Cambridge-the Alma
Mater at whose knee he had wrangled as a youngster. But the
University objected to a member who had undergone conviction-and
for that the University must suffer condemnation. There be convic-
tions-and convictions ; and there is as much difference between the
convictions of a GIBsoN and a DISRAELI as between those of conscience
and those of the Old Bailey. GIBson and DISRAELI began aa Tory and
Liberal respectively, and then changed places "from conviction;" but
the former's conviction was that Conservatism was an error, axd the
lattes that there was more room and opportunity for him in the
Tory ranks. You may call them both "rats" if you like to be abusive,
but GIBSON claims the title as the first syllable of ratiocination and
rational, while DIzzY only deserves it in its rodent and natural history
In 1841 GIBsoN was the man of Manchester, one of a famous
triumvirate-CoBDEN, BnIGHT, and GInsoN for the Anti-Corn Laws.
To this day he stands scarcely second to COBDEN, whose French
Treaty is balanced by GiBsoN's Paper Duty Repeal, while he has passed
BmIrIT in the race for the world's verdict. Because he has not
rushed headlong forward as these two have done, he has been often
blamed by a hasty jury of the public. Where COBDEN and BBIGHT
have vainly spent their strength in rushing against barriers which
threw them back far beyond the point from which they started, GIBsoN,
as staunch to his purpose, has pressed on slowly. Where an insur-
mountable wall opposed him, he did not knock his head against it as
if he were a battering ram instead of a man of sense. He undermined
it, and passed on to let it tumble to ruin behind him. Thus he did
when the Lords vainly delayed the Repeal of the Paper Duties,-
instead of rushing into a fight which would have ended probably in the -
defeat of the Ministry, he kept his 'vantage ground, and now the
tax is repealed!
In 1846 MILNER GIBSON, the quondam Tory.and country gentleman,
was the efficient President of the Board of Trade; but foolish Man-
chester, thinking he was less useful in the very stronghold of
Whiegery than he was sitting down before the fortress, insisted on his
resigning office. In 1855 he got the penny stamp on newspapers
done away with; he had already abolished the duty on advertisements.
And all the while, though the wise Times threw cold water on the
scheme, he laboured to repeal the Paper Duty. In 1857 he took his
seat for Ashton-under-line, which now .stands above the line of its
Fellows for its good sense in choosing him. He was President of the
Poor Law Board in 1859 for a short time, but soon returned to his
place at the head of the Board of Trade. A lover of peace, he is not so
wildly impracticable as BRIGHT; a supporter of the most advanced
Liberal measures, he never sacrifices a position which may be useful to
hem all because he cannot get all he wishes of one. But the highest
praise we can give him is, that he is a man with few enemies-but
not for that commonest of reasons, namely, because he has also few

SEPTEMBER 27, 1862.]


DUEL.-Formerly, when a dispute arose between two persons, they
would settle it in less than a minute by taking two seconds for the
purpose. How this kind of offence would be apologized for depended
on what kind of a fencer one met with. When pistols were substituted
for the sword, one was generally let off after the first fire. Between
inexperienced duellists shaking hands would always precede the dis-
charge of arms. In this country at least the practice has become
obsolete, for though a certain quack continues to "challenge the
world," he fails to give it satisfaction.
DYmNo.-The art of staining or colouring any substance, and when
employed to give the gray hairs of advanced years the glossy black-
ness of youth, a vocal philosopher might-natnrally exclaim, A dire art
for falsehood framed, I ne'er would tinge o' thee." In the commercial
world& more get a living by dyeing in the present day than at any former
period. The extraction of colours from coal-tar shows that this branch
of chemistry has now arrived at what.may be thought a pitch of per-
fection. The famous Tyrian purple was discovered more than three
thousand years ago, which explains an allusion in the old song, And
ye shallwalk in silk- o' Tyre." The secret of preparing the colour
has beea ,however, utterlylost, and we have got no means of obtain-
ing even a slight tint of what it was, The hues of the ancients
would appeaarto have been used up, for they have not come down to
us. Of views of another kind altogether we may refer to a custom,
that was once more.prevalent than it is now, of dyeing the nose red
by absorbing copious alcoholic potations. These were the bran-dyers,
who are now rapidly giving place to the ab-stainers.
EAGLE.-In the mythology of the Romans this bird was associated
with Jupiter, more, however, on account of their judging it by a standard
of their own than for any jovial qualities it really possessed. It was
with this standard that the Romans used to rush so eag'ly into battle.
With their usual, desire to make other nations subservient to their
rule, they brought their standard into the field, and made their
adversaries measure their length by it. The eagle has received the
distinguished title of the king of birds, chiefly for the exalted position
it maintains, and the young accordingly hold the rank of their royal
high nest. As the monarch of the feathered race, the eagle has been
frequently called upon by painters and poets to supply a subject. The
bald-headed eagle of America, and the chosen emblem of the once
United States, has no token of sovereignty, for it is in vain you look
for anything about its crown. It is curious that in all republican states
no eagle is found to have a crest, though so frequently introduced
into the armorial bearings of others. Through Germany the eagle is
widely diffused, and, in fact, is there regarded as a spread eagle. In
the arms of Prussia it appears with one head, but the Austrian eagle
is double-headed, the two heads probably being thought better than
one, and one neck being therefore provided with one extra.
EAR.-The channel through which we receive news from the world
without. The phrase, deaf as a post, is not to be considered a proper
deaf-un-ition. In giving evidence in courts of law, an ear-witness
should be also a nigh witness. The ear is usually spoken of as aL
organ, but it might be more appropriately called a hurdy-gurdy, if
you speak only of what you heard occurred, ch ? In early life the ear
is known in schools as the place where the masters usuaXy put their
boxes. When we grow older, if we continue to have a good ear, we
go to the opera and take a box for ourselves.
EARTH.-The scene of a constant revolution in which we are all
more or less actively engaged. What on earth the end of it is likely
to be, we know no more than the Poles themselves. The rotation of
the earth was long a problem for astronomers to solve, but modern
philosophers have proved the correctness of the theory by setting a
pendulum in motion, and marking certain figures, from one to ten, on
the floor over which it swung. When the earth in this way wrote
seven, they knew they were getting on in the right direction, but when
they saw the earth decidedly wrote eight, they were quite convinced.
You had better, therefore, when things look rather bad on the earth's
surface, act like the philosopher, and wait till they come round. The
earth has also been weighed, and sufficient evidence has been obtained
of its sufficient heavy density, to show that it is worth something in
the scale of the universe. The rapidity of the earth's progress round
the sun shows that it has kept up its space to this day.

A CRACKED J.A.R.-JoHN ARTHUI ROEBUCK is at Vienna, making
himself agreeable to that most amiable potentate, the EMPEROR OF
AwUSm IA. So well does he succeed, that he is known among the
courtiers as the Honey J.A.R."
A FRIEND AT A FINCH.-The Vice-at a charity dinner.

(By the Author of Plic in Amber.")
A PROG was found in a lump of coal,
Heigh ho says RowLer ;
A frog was found in a lump of coal,
And nobody know how lie came in the hole,
With a roley, poley, gammon and spinach, high ho!
The silly folks said of this wonderful frog,
Heigh ho says RowiLE ;
The silly folks said of this wonderful frog,
He'd been caught in soie antediluvian bog,
With a roley, poley, etc.
And fanciful people professed to believe,
Heigh hol says ROWLEY ;
And fanciful people profb ssd to believe,
He had croaked before ADAM, and hopped before Evl,
With a roley, poley, etc.
But froggy while taking a nap, it appears,
Heigh ho! says RowLiY ;
But froggy while taking a nap, it appears,
Overslept himself rather-sonio thousands of yoars,
With a roley, poley, etc.
And'the mud, which enclosed our most somnolent friend,
High ho says RtowI.Y ;
And the mud, which enclosed our most somnolent friend,
In the process of ages was turned to Wallsond.
Witk a roley, poley, etc.
So a miner one day, who was digging the coal,
S.' Heigh ho! says ROWLEY ;
So a minor one day, who was digging tCl coal,
Cried Batter and beef! here's a toad in a holo !' "
4 With a roley, poley, etc.
Then they carried him off to that Palace of FowmiE'a,
High he says ROWLEY ;
Then they carried him off to that Palaco of FowE ii's,
But a Times' correspondent declared 'twas a hoax,
With a roley, poley, ganiinon etc.
And OWEN, the knownn, to UICKI.AND he wril,
Heigh ho says Rolvi,:r !
And OwEN, the knownn, to BUCKLAND lie wIit, -
As a young tidy-hopper it jumped down the pit!"
With a roley, poley, gammon etc.
And so on the whole an opinion prevails,
Heigh ho! says ROWLEY ;
And so on the whole an opinion prevails,
That frogs oft, like tadpoles, aro furnished with talcs,
With a roley, poley, gammon! etc.

IF you have many larks on your premises, make up your mind to
be steady for the future. This is a certain remedy.
If crows trouble you, shoot all the cockbirds; you can then crow
over all the others to hen-y extent.
When blackbirds are troublesome, get rid of the burden the best
way you can. Shooting is the hVurtest method; this will effectually
blackball them.
When sparrows abound, lay poismoed wheat about; they will be
tempted to eat it, and find themselves less chirpy afterwards.
Prevent the red-breast from coming into your garden if possible,
for he is sure to come there a robin, when, of course, you must be
down upon him like a bird."
If you wish to entice game to your land, you should part-ridge it;
this must be done very accurately ; indeed, to ensure success, it must
be done to a hair. You can then offer your Welsh friends a rare bit
of sport.
If hawks trouble your young broods, don't bhrod over the matter,
but warn the assailants; if they persist, give them in charge for
hawking without a licence.

ANNUAL IOLIDAY.-The 31st of December, when the old year
invariably goes out!"





FIJN. [SEPTEMBER 27, 1862~

(/j 2C ~ -_

2. -


HAVING really got tired of the Colleen Bawn, the public will accept
MII. oucIC'AULT's new "sensation drama of the Relief of Lucknow
as a relief indeed. It is precisely the kind of piece which those who
like stirring situations with a strong smell of gunpowder should pop
in to see. It is exactly the proper thing to say of it that it goes off
well. Never mind about the chief incident on which it is founded-
the Scotch girl, with the bright eyes and the quick ears, catching the
sound of "The Campbells are coming from the distant bagpipes of
the 78th Highlanders-being an apocryphal story. It is a pleasant
thing to believe in amongst many that are not pleasant to remember,
and the effective use made of it in the grand military spectacle which
nightly deafens the audience of Old Drury will certainly cause a revival
of the belief in its reality. The four acts, with this for an exciting
climax, are so many well-set scenes wrought out with a thorough
knowledge of dramatic effect, and giving always picturesque and
sometimes painful illustrations of the dark events of the Indian
mutiny. There is MRS. BOUCicAULT as the heroine, Jessie Brown,
once more rousing the deepest sympathies, her pathos on this occa-
sion being conveyed through the most musical of Scotch accents,
instead of the delicate brogue of Erin. MR. BOUCICAULT preserves
his Irish as Corporal Cassidy, and enacts more wonders than any stage
Irishman ever invented. MADAME CELESTE is intensely melodramatic
as Mrs. Campbell, but very impressive withal; and MR. RYDER looks
the relentless Rajah Gholam Badhadoor to the life, and as if he had
never been known under any other appellation. Then there are the
Arabs, who tumble about in all directions as Sepoys, and real grenadier
guards, and genuine guns, and desperate attacks, and hairbreadth
escapes, and enough gunpowder expended to make the whole genera-
tion of playgoers believe that the palmy days of the Astleyan Battle

of Waterloo have come again, and that the horse which bounds so
gallantly over the platforms up to the very sky-border, is the very
steed which bore the transpontine WELLINGTON through the smoke
and the sawdust of the Ducrow period. The piece is admirably
mounted in all respects, and there's no luck now about the house if
the theatre be not filled to the end of the run.
Lord Dundreary at the Strand is, as I have hinted, a genuine
triumph for ME. BELFORD, and the public have got another favourite
created for them. The old nurse, by MRS. MANDERS, is also a capital
bit of character. The last new adaptation from the French by MR.
PARSELLE, called My Son's a Daughter, which now opens the enter-
tainments here, is a pleasant trifle, giving the adapter a good oppor-
tunity for showing some lively acting, and Miss JOSEPHS the chance
of showing her pretty face to great advantage. THE ODD MAN.

[WE give the remainder of this prophecy, which we were obliged
to omit last week, reprinting two of the closing lines.]
The horse that's certain not to miss-
The horse to win the Leger is-
The foremost favourite, Mar-quis.

PILING UP THE AGONY.-We read that, in commencing the works
for the Thames embankment, the first pile was driven opposite the
mansion of the DUKE OF BUCCLEUCH. What a piece of fiendish
malignity on the part of the contractors, thus to pile up the agony
on the unhappy duke!

I I'k

IF _U *-T. [SEPTEMBER 27, 1862?



SEPTEMrER 27, 1862.]




IN their narrow beds the pauper children
Calmly sleeping lay,
With the fire beneath them in the chapel
Smouldering away.
Locked and barred like felons in a prison,
Those poor children slept;
But around their dormitory silent
Little watch was kept.
Upi and down the corridors of prisons,
Night-long, warders pace;
Were no watchers o'er the poor appointed
In this wretched place ?
Slow-from plank to beam, from floor to rafter-
Licking flame-tongues broke;
Slowly up the staircase to the sleepers
Stole the heavy smoke,
With its merciful oblivious vapours,
Stayed each dreamer's breath.
From the sleep of life they passed, unconscious,
To the sleep of death.
Then too late was the alarm-cry given,
Swift upshot the fire;
Blazed from schoolroom up to sleeping chamber,
Ay, to chapel spire.
Vain man's courage, woman's strong devotion!
All in vain they strave ;
Flame devoured those twice-imprisoned children,
Though some died to save.
Twenty children in that fiery furnace
Perished-every one;
Orphans some, some with poor loving mothers,
Some, alas i "alone."
So GoD took them, in His Wisdom tender,
Early from their strife;
Fsom the long dull struggle and endurance
Of a pauper life.
But, oh! man, where is your boasted Science
With her boundless skill ?
Gazing powerless on the flames wild-raging,
Ravaging at will!

Is it only for great ships and cannon
That our Science strives ?
Are not nobler triumphs to bo gathered
Saving human lives ?

Discovery.-One of the "Twins" has taken to twin-kling.
Cruel Case.-Aquarius has been arrested for not paying his water-rate.
Foreign Intelligence.-The sky seen in Poland is a Poniatow-sky.
A Day Break for two horses can be had by the hour.
Caution to Lightning.-Beware of flash notes.
Ancient Division of Time.-The first, the second, the twinkling of a
bed-post, and ajiffey.
Somebody writes to say that he saw the Sun, and the Moon I1crew a
telescope; we haven't heard if the missile hurt anybody.

21 S Notice published in churches to the clergy.-Tho QUEEN
reserves the right of translation.
22 M Grand Ascent in a Balloon; at the distance of six miles
from eartl throw out hints.
23 To Anniversary of ,11. *-* the patent for churning the
cream of a good joke.
24 W Publishing of FuN. Flourish of trumpets and grand FuN-
25 Tn The mounted volunteers ride out on cob-nuts, commanded
by the kernel.
26 F No money.-Shortest day.
27 1 S Longest day.-Waiting for a remittance.
The literary gardener, if unable to purchase garden implements,
would do well to walk about his grounds with one of S8I WALrTRI
ScoS's novels under his arm. If asked what he has got there, he
may reply, "I've-an-hoe."
Mahometan Gardening.-Tho Boy of Tunis was very fond of horti-
culturalpupanits; hete he was termed byhis familiar friends, "Botany
Bey." No offence being meant, none was taken.
French Gardening.-Tho DUCHESSE DE BERal derived her title from
fhe quantities of blackberries in the hedges on her estate.
Fancy Gardening.-Get a cataract in your eye; when visitors come
to see your grounds, stand at the end of your garden and make .a
booming sound; this will produce a grand effect, and many of your
acquaintances can fancy themselves in Switzerland if they like.
To Imitate Mont Ilanc.-Take your bosom friend to the stable;
offer him a mount; when he is on tho horse, say in the popular nigger
style, "That mount belong to me." Play the banjo and retire.
Snails.-These creatures must be destroyed; to avoid all unneces-
sary cruelty, remember the old saying, and take care to hit the right
snail on the head.
The Gowrd.-How to get it.-Walk up to a mad bull ticklo him
under the left ear, and wipe his eye with a red pockot-handkorchicf.
You will then get gourd. This is a secret worth knowing.
To Sporting Farmers.-The place in which corn is stored up is
termed the "corner." Apply at TA'rrERSAL..'S.
Useful to Housoholders.-In case of fire, always be provided with a
tap on your shoulder.
Violet.-If you want to keep these pretty flowers to yourself, label
them vio-not-to-let, and all will be well.

Franco.- Toot-sweet is an infantile Gallicism, or little Gal-licism, sig-
nifying a partiality for sugar.
Whist.-You cannot play a card as you would a trout. Of course you
can try.
Hunter.-As you say, the effect must be lovely; but we ourselves
never heard a pack of cards in full cry.
Game.-Blindhookey is limited to any number of players. Procure a
punt, a rod, line, hook and bait; shut you eyes and fish. This is
called blindhookey.
Guy Waterman's Maze.-No good scholar would speak of a man scull-
ing in a boat as a Noble Row-man."
Dumbkins.--"'Tis" is not English; we don't know what form of
expression should be used in its place.
Rusher.-Mos-cow maybe a place; we can't say: but are prepared to
swear that there is no such animal as mos-bull.

i ~


JAMES:--Ca youl change me thisfive-, Wiilliam ?"
WILLIAM :-" Not if I knows it, James. Tm werry partickle-l now about gmy
paper, and I'd advise you to carry gold."

Communicated by a Member of the Arch-l-g-c-l Society.
THE learned STOWE-who clearly derived his name from
his habit of stowing away antiquarian facts for the use of
posterity-informs us that the Priory of the Augustine Friars
was founded A.D. 1253, and that here those monks of old
sang and laughed, and the red wine quaffed," until ejected
by KING HENRY VIII., whose joke, that having been so long
friars, getting into hot water would be a pleasant change
for them, was long remembered. SEYmnUR-a man of
course able to see more than his contemporaries-records
this heartless jest, and further adds:-" Henceforwarde ye
whine of ye holie friars, lyke untoe ye kynge hys name,
hadde an h in yt; whyle their laughter eke came from a
totallie different syde of ye monkes their mouths." With
a generosity only to be found in great conquerors and
ticket-of-leave men, the king bestowed the possessions
of the monks on the Earl of Winchester, a proceeding
about equivalent to Loan PALMERSTON'S presenting our
editorial throne, squab, castors, legs, and back, to the
BISHOP OF LONDON for a library chair; and in this instance
bluff KING HAL showed himself to be a man of very taking
manners, though the manors he was in the habit of taking
did not always belong to him. Afterwards the company of
the drapers got possession of some of the ground on the
plea of only wanting a yard, but this yard they treated in
so ell-aborate a fashion, with the latest novelties in flowers,
and some sweet things in evergreens, that at last it became
a full-blown garden. A Venetian glass manufactory was
also established in Austin' Friars, which, however, as was
to be expected from the brittleness of the article, went to
smash. Here, too, the Dutch refugees in the time of
EDWARD VI. built a church, and CAunEN says that, "to
avoid roasting at home, they came to the friars in England,"
a joke hardly up to our mark in the present day, but very
fair when we consider that in that age FUN did not enrich
the world with weekly scintillations of wit.
The plan on which modern talent has reconstructed
Austin Friars combines the pleasing intricacy of the
labyrinth at Crete with the snug narrowness of Petticoat-
lane, minus the old clothes and dirt, It is purely commercial,
and the visitor must therefore not be surprised at being
sold, should he attempt to discover any relics of antiquity.
All, all, alas! are gone! One thing alone recalls to the
mind what the Priory of St. Augustine's once was, for the
monks who loved their wine so well in life, in death are in
their biers.

LONG, long ago-years ago-all! goodness, fifty times since then
have the long-winged swallows clustered round the old bell tower of
the church that looks down on the market-place, where the red-
cloaked, blue-korciiefed peasants throng, there was a little yellow-
haired Danish boy. And ho was such a strange little boy, this
yellow-haired one, and he grew to be so fond of walking about by
himself in lonely places, that some good folk thought all could not be
right with him. "' le must be crazed," said FREDERIC. He must
bo mazed," said CIICSTIAN. But his old mother knew better than
this. Now the boy was fond of his book. When he lay down in the
meadows, with his rosy little cheeks pressing the sweet-scented hay;
and when he went down to the shore of the sea, and sat upon a rock
that was covered with tangle, and laughed to look at the white waves
that came curling in; he was not idle, bless you! not he. For at
times ho would read of the Trolls, the stupid old Trolls, and how
little lads, by craft and wit, could cut off their big old heads; and
other whiles he read about the fair elf-maidens, and he hoped to see
one, and lhavo one for his sweetheart, if he was a good boy. So
nightly he said his prayers at the good mother's knee; and when
she saw him in his little bed there was always a faint, sweet smile
upon his face, and his lips seemed breathing a hushed song. And,
one morning, when the little boy (ah! it is fifty years ago! yes, I
feel it must be fifty years ago !) was sitting by the sea, he saw a sight.
For, coming over the sea from the south, the way the swallows
come, there floated a large balloon. And there were two Cupids in

the car, one of them holding a torch. And strange letters on the
balloon, which he could not understand. Now the balloon seemed
almost on fire, so bright was its look; and the car, that was of
mother-of-pearl and gold, quite dazzled the little boy, so that he
closed his eyes for a minute, and in that minute fell asleep. Dreams ?
Ah! yes; he had dreams enough, doubt not! Round the balloon
seemed to float funny little fantastic figures, all round, all round. .
When the little boy woke up the sun was setting, and brown shadows
were darkening on the rocks, and a cold breeze blew in from the sea;
so he walked away home much puzzled, not knowing what could have
become of the large balloon, and the car, and the Cupids.
Long, long ago, years ago! How the little boy struggled and
wept as he walked through life, dreamily! How the young lad
trembled often, how the man grew often faint! But at last, there
were gray hairs upon his head, though his heart was as young as ever.
And still he was fond of walking by himself in lonely places, and still
he was fond of his book. He had written books of his town, which
many liked; tender, strange, little tales, which could harm no one,
and over which some strong men had shed tears of sympathy. And
he was thinking of this one day, the gray-haired child, and almost
crying, himself, to think of it, when suddenly, on a newspaper in his
room, left there by an Englishman (for Englishmen dearly loved the
gray-haired child!) he saw the balloon, and the car, and the Cupids,
and the funny fantastic figures. And he read the words on the
balloon to be FUN, and as he cut the leaves he saw one of the Prize
Essays. Now the one he saw was by MR. TUPPER, and as he knew
that he was much cleverer than MR. TUPPER, he thought he would
try his chance. And if he wins the prize (and oh! hope that he may,
good little folks!) he promises to live happy ever afterwards.

_.__ ~~

[SEPTEMBER 20, 1862.


(From Our Special Correspondent.)

ITHOUT doubt, dear FuN, you were
., justified in blowing me up for not
Staking more interest in the cause
of science, so that, at last, when
yox sent a note requesting me to
C' explore the heavenly regions in
SMR. HARRY NAUT'S new balloon,
7. i said to myself, "He "-I mean
"it"-" shall be done." On the
(lay appointed, Mn. NAUT arrived
iat the door in his machine. To
_-i suit the convenience of your cor-
S' lI respondent, the street in which
Il stands my house was chosen as the
-' fittest place for effecting a fair
S\ start. Crowds of scientific ama
S tours, chiefly from the junior
classes of society, were assembled
to see us leave our Mother Earth.
We were provided with a hamper
of champagne, two cold roast
chickens, a pigeon-pie, and
S etceteras. After locking up the
brandy, brushing my hat, and say-
ing farewell to my landlady, I
stepped gaily into the car, and with
the deafening hurrahs of the excited
multitude ringing in our ears, the
ropes were cut and we shot rapidly
up past the window of the top
story where I am lodging, through which I could plainly see (and this
is the first observation that was made) MRS. JONES helping herself to
, bottle of my cognac. Before I could say a word we had entered a
cloud, which was about 1,100 feet in thickness, out of which I managed
to cut a small piece with my pocket-knife. It tasted like cake. Here
the temperature of the air (I am in all scientific matters quoting MR.
HAnRY NAUT) fell to 361} deg. ; I proposed that we should pick it up
again, but my suggestion was unheeded. At 1 30, the car grated on
the summit of Mout Blanc, but without injury to itself or the moun-
tain. In about an hour's time we emerged from the cloud, the top of
which was covered with dust, which I managed to flick off with my
pocket-handkerchief; so that there is after all some truth in the
nursery legend which tells of a venerable lady, one of the earliest
aeronauts on record, who made what may be termed a household or
domestic ascent, for the utilitarian and cleanly purpose of removing
those unsightly cobwebs that had been spun over the long disused
canopy of the sky.
At 2 o'clock, I and MR. HARtRY NAUT drank two bottles of cham-
pagne a piece; I then tried to look through the camera, but we were
going so unsteadily that it was impossible. The well-known DR. HILL
NomasO had kindly furnished us with extremely dry sensitive plates,
on which we eat our chicken, being very hungry. At 2 30 we had
reached the fifth mile, at least so the distance was marked on the hail
stones on either side of our route.
Up to this point I had drank the champagne with great comfort,
but now and then I seemed to experience some difficulty in obtaining
another bottle from the case. This may have been owing to the fact,
that the box only held a dozen, and all but one bottle had been con-
sumed. The intrepid HARnR NAur climbed outside the balloon, and
stood on the top waving his standard barometer. At this point I
managed to let the pigeons out of the pie. They went down easily.
It was now past three o'clock, and from our position we could
distinctly see the back of the moon. I tried to reach the brandy, but
could not move my hands. HARIm NAUT observed me closely, and
noted down as follows :-",3 30.-Hands black, legs useless." I was
struggling in fearful agony on the scat. HARHn NAUT remarked this
as a curious effect as follows: -" 3 35.-Muscles contracted; spasms
occasioned by the rarefied air." I felt that I was losing my head,
which kept waggling and shaking until it nearly came off. I implored
NAUT to aid me. The memorandum on that occasion was afterwards
found:-" 3 40.-Incapable." My next sensation was one of fearful
agony arising from the most intense cold. Note by H. NAUT :-
3 45.-Icicles hanging from his nose; fingers frost bitten; hoar
frost on his hair. One eye has already gone.
"3 50.-He tries to speak; his gums are frozen, and teeth dropping
"3 55.-He is now lying at the bottom of the car with a most

hideous expression of countenance. 1 have kicked him in the ribs
which cracked sharply. llo is quite insensible. This is instructive."
At 4 o'clock, 1 began to recover myself a little, ianl found a gentle
thaw stealing over me. IAuRY N. informed me that this was in con-
sequence of our proximity to the sun.
I could not speak, but just heard NAUrT saying, Sit still, and let
yourself be melted gradually." My boots had been literally split off
my legs by the cold, and were lying in crisp, hard. frozen morsels on
the seat, where my feet had been resting. Mtt. NaITr, in the interests
of science, wanted to let me out of the balloon by a rope to see how I
liked it, but your correspondent declined.
We had now reached an altitude of twenty miles; here the strains
of a brass band very much out of tune fell npon our cars. Mli. NAIr,
with delight, gave a few coppers to the musicians of the spheres.
They had a placard fixed at their side setting forth that they wero
frozen-out gardeners from the Elysian fields. On mentioning the name
of MB. BABBAGE, they very speedily retired. We stopped at one of the
arsenals to examine the new thunderbolts, but were, on the whole,
disappointed. Our hampers being empty, we paused at the sixth
house (you've seen it marked in a horoscope), but having no money
(MR. H. N. had bestowed'lis upon thoso wandering minstrels), and
not being known at that distance from home, we thought our best,
course would be a downward one, so, opening the valve, we at once
began to descend, and at about a quarter of a milo from the hostelrio
we heard the faint echo of the landlord's voice calling out that lie
would be very happy to trust us until our next visit. We could not,,
however, retrace our steps, but on another occasion shall certainly
call on our friend, which we should decidedly not have done had wo
stopped this time. We arrived at the top of Primrose Hill a little
before six o'clock. Our gas was of such light specific gravity, that I
dared not take up a copy of Fun, lest it should be totally upset.
From my own observation, I should say that there is io limit to
human existence.in the celestial regions.-I remain, yours truly,
I. T. S. HIaL, U.P.

WE commend the following advertisement to the notice of solitary
millionaires wishing to enlarge their acquaintance:-
gentleman and his sister, of' good fortn amind station, requir very
superior and agreeable lhomes--latter with a luy only. IsUtters must sHl I
inducements, but from needy, gloomy, narrow-notiolned, or tproIl'Csiontl ptolio
will be thrown away.
Such a golden opportunity should not be lost by any gentleman
possessing 10,000 a year and in want, of friends. The advertiser
of fortune and station" is so far removed front the vulgar herd by
those two blessings, as to be able to despiso oven grammar, since ho
magnanimously scorns to enter into prosaicn details is to whether tlie
sentence, latter with a lady only," relors to him, his sister, his
fortune, his station, or his home. The grand contempt, oo, for
"needy" people is sublime. This cheerful and amiable temperament
makes him dislike "gloomy" or narrow-notioned individuals,-
whatever the last epithet may mean, inasmuch as we have known
persons described as that who objected to have their knockers wrenched
off. But the climax is arrived at when the writer expresses his
scorn of "professional peoplc,"-just as waiters at our lending hotels
do, only altering his spelling to profeslhnal pipplo;" and as Q.C.'s,
rectors, physicians in ordinary, generals, and admirals, are all pro-
fessional people, it follows that the writer's ideas of himself are
exalted, as, perhaps, are his apartments.

THE Cleveland Leader announces that a very pretty young lady of
that city offers a kiss to every able-bodied, good-looking young man
who will enlist in the Federal army. We don't think this kissing
enlistment smacks much of patriotism on either side. The young
lady stipulates for "good-looking" recruits, as if plain courage were
not to.be rewarded. As for the mon who join the army from such an
incentive as the damsel holds out, whatever MiR. LINCOLN may think
of their service, we have no hesitation in designating it as nothing
more than iUp-service.

'ITE munY INTErirlENCE.-There is no foundation for the roportl that
CALcaFur is now starting a paper under the title of the Daily Noose.
A RIDnLE.-(Dedicated to the School of Oookery.)-Wlon is a jolly
like a dolly P-When there's eyes-in-glass in it.

_ ____ ___ _~~_

20 I~F _U I-;-

2 0F U N



Old Gent (in a hurry):-" Now, CONDUCTOR, ARE YOU GOING TO MOVE P"

[SEPTEMBER 27, 1862.

OH! WASHINGTON ef you could
Your spirit to appear,
And tell old ABE what to do
Them rebels darned to skeer;
And how the ceded states to git
From them onnatural varmints,
Jerusalem! we would be fit
To kiss your very garmints.
It is tarnation bad that we,
The greatest nation out,
Can't whip them rebels, yes, siree,
What is our hands about ?
Ef you ain't pleased with your
own folk,
Becoz we talk so tall,
We'll drop our bunkum and our
But help us from the wall.
I guess I'd like a hint from yeu,
How best to lay the tax on,
And put M'CLELLAN in the way
Then of on any night at twelve,
To liquor up you'd like, sir,
You'll find us at the White House
Just as the hour do strike, sir.

The witty BARON OF THE Ex-
CHEQUER writes to say that, in
his opinion, "every lawyer ought
to spend the vacation at Cowes."
-N.B. For the benefit of our fair
readers, we beg to observe that
vacca, in the Latin language,
means a cow.
THE best medicine for a sick
pussy should be TIIORLEt'S food
for cat-ill. Oh!

THE Montenegrin question still attracts considerable attention
amongst our London quidnuncs. Whatever you may hear to the
contrary, I can assure you that the disturbances are really fomented
by the Viceroy of Egypt. SAID P.ASHA has long had designs upon the
Sublime Porto, and his present scheme is a combination worthy of
OXENSTIERN and RICHELIEU. NO sooner will Prussia have entered the
Zollvorein, than thirteen thousand Numidian horsemen, under the
command of the well-known Bou-MAZA, will be thrown upon the coast
near Cattaro. The co-operation of SULEIMAN BEY is secured, and all
the other hospodars will probably follow in his wake. In the mean-
while, MR. COXWELL'S balloon (containing, besides that distinguished
and VICTOR HUGO) is expected to descend on the plains that lie
between the Theissand the Danube. What follows ? The Herzegovina
will rise to a man, and demand the prorogation of the Reichsrath ;
BERNSTORFF will be obliged to yield, bon grd mal grd. LORD PALMER-
STON knows this well, and hence his anxiety to get the PRINCE OF
WALES out of England; that noble youth would never lend himself
to the Premier's designs. I know that eighty thousand silver roubles
arrived, per book post, on Friday last, at Cambridge House. This is
absolutely certain. I stake my reputation on it.
The news from India is bad-at all events, threatening. The
Subahdar of Bangalore has openlyronounced the system of Ryotwarree,
and has taken refuge in the inaccessible recesses of his bungalow.
Is Loan ELGIN equal to the crisis ? If he concentrates the Sikh
horse on the banks of the Jumna, all may yet be well; but there is only
too much reason to fear that disaffection exists amongst the Talipots,
and that DosT MAHOMET (supplied with funds by the Russian govern-
ment) is in full march upon tie western ghAts. The rumour that

IR. JOHN LANG, the editor of the Mofussilite, has been converted to
the Parsee faith, is perhaps premature, but it is, at any rate, one of
those straws which show us which way the wind blows.
I hear that words ran high at the cabinet council on Tuesday. MR.
GLADSTONE, whose love of wild buffoonery and practical joking often
leads him into serious indiscretions, threatened to divide the head of
SIR CHARLES WOOD into three pieces, and he was only pacified bythe
reiterated assurances of EARL RUSSELL that such an act would have
been strongly disapproved of by the late MR. BURKE. Smoking is
now allowed at these secret meetings; all the cabinet ministers puff
their weeds, with the exception of the LORD CHANCELLOR -who chews.
This 1 guarantee.

A NATURAL SEQUITUR.-As poor GARIBALDI is wounded in his right
leg, Italy is also necessarily wounded in her right arm.
WHY is Arabia like Hampstead Heath P-Because there is a Mocha
in one, and a moke or two in the other.
THE CIs-PONTINE BOROUGH.-The Underground Railway, which is
unquestionably a burrow.

&" The SECOND Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with highly-
finished Comic Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous
Articles by distinguished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound
in Magenta cloth, gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also, the Title, Preface, and Index to the SECOND Volume of FUN,
fonring an Extra Number, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d. each.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by OHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-September 27,1862.

OCTOBER 4, 1862.] J .


L "I
]i h U

-l VI~g


DEAR ANNE,-I told you that MR. H. had resided on going to the
sea-side, and so, after a long consultation, we came to the confliction
that of all places on the marine coast, Ramsgate would be the most
lively, reasonable, and easy of axes. Having deranged to go by the
boat for a change, we went on board, and enjoyed the steaming down
the river to the sea very much. But as we were entering on the real
salt water, I began to feel rather uncomfortable, and turned to ask my
husband to fetch the steward, but MR. H., in my hour of need, had
left me. I found out supplementary that.he too was very unwell.
I can't say much for the beauties of the ocean, nor could any one else
who'd seen the pale faces and miserable appearance of the passages
on deck. I shan't decant upon this subject, as at the best it is not a
very pleasant one, and glad enough was I to leave the ship and once
more press my feet on terror firmer. What a pleasure it was to be
comfortable and snug in the hotel, and sitting down to a quiet dinner
in the evening, for which the voyage had pretty well compared us.
MR. PENNYFEATHER (who came with us, and I rather think MARY is
the detraction in that quarter) said that our voyage was a sick transit
glorious Monday, which seemed a very good joke, for the gentlemen
laughed at it.
I am told that Ramsgate is a very wholesome place, and the sea
breeze is inculcated to give one an appetite, which I don't wonder at,
since they tell me there is so much "idine in the air. The sands
at Ramsgate are in the daytime a very amusing sight, though as for
quiet, you mustn't except anything of that sort at this place, which is
imminently one of degradation and enjoyment. There is a bazaar in
the town, where there are a lot of pretty things, trifles from Rams-
gate, and in the evening there's often a consort and a lottery. The
ladies here dress in the new little naughty-gal cloaks, which arp blue
with brass buttons like a Pilate. MARY has lately bought me one of
these, and, like all the rest of 'em now-a-days, wears her hair back
behind her ears, and fixed in a net behind, with a little round hat on
her head ; so pretty! and if it suited me I should wear it too, but it
doesn't, and I don't. One of the populous characters on the sands is

a respectable veterinary (or journeyman) tradesman, who is a fender
of brandy-balls. Ho wears an apron, and supports a sort of lillipnt
tray in front of him, which supports him. lie sings a song about his
wares, and sells very good sweetmeats; but from the Samuel I tasted,
I shouldn't say that there was much brandy in them. Bathing is one
great reversion here, and another is washing the bathers through
opera glasses. The harbour is a very fine one, and a good many
gentlemen's yatches (or yahtcs or yacths, for I don't know how to
spell it) come in here, which, with their trim sailors, and the names
of their different crafts on their hats, are a very pretty sight, and
makes one feel that Britannia rules the waves,-only, as Mi. PENNY-
FEATHER numerously reserves, "I do wish when I'm on a steamboat
that she'd rule 'em a little straighter."
How undisturbed must the streets of London be now, for all the
organ men seem to have come down hcro for change of air, and the
brass bands are on the sands every morning and afternoon for a blow.
Besides these, there are savage boys with white mice and murder-
girdles, not to mention the blacks, whom one meets in every part of
town. Ramsgate is in two revisions, one being the low and the other
the high part. The latter is the cliff, where there is a marine terrors
and some nice houses ; here the upper classes dwell : while the lower,
who, however, chiefly visit Margate, content themselves with the
former department. We drove to Horne Bay, celebrated in history
for the adventures of IIERNE' THE HUNTER and Ml. IHAnRIsoN
AINswonTH. This is a great place for shrimps, but we couldn't get
any. Our flyman, a man of some inflammation, deformed us that the
horses about Margate and Ramsgate literally lived in clover; and, in
truth, they did look very strong and slick. We visited Broadstnres
also; so called because of the very open view of the sea; it is a quiet
little place which may suit invalids in a state of evanescence,
We shall soon return to town, on our way to somewhere else, but
shall not remain long in London, as we've had enough gaiety and
disputation to last us for some time.-I remain your affectionate



No. 30.

I)u I U ii i- 1_.f~ ILI~la

n-./;*nnnn.l L'~Af~j __ c.l

[OCTOBER 4, 1862.



.. NE of our numerous able and intel-
ligent contributors has lately been
S~o c ng a short vacation in Paris.
: Wishing to combine profit with
loss, lie visited several theatres
/ -w. "ith the laudable intention of
/. .i adapting-not translating, mind
--you, fin- he always is very particu-
'ar i, impressing that point upon
Sl hisfrieidly,but unbelieving, critics
/ 1 -so me of the most striking scenes
---' l and situations on the French stage,
:or- r production at one or more of
u/ ;. o orwntlice:tres. On lis cxprless-
--!- I, i~i a iishl that our rages should
... o- ~e 'li.sl nedhilll of' communllica-
t ion will the tleo:trical world and
I I the riblic, whio otherwise minlght
,' '- be niaware of his existence, we
-- .! .graciously con'ented, and are now
S enabled to pnlce before our count-
les readers ac carefully elaborated
dr;a thoroughly original, but
-. 'i,- inodl on a ,tyle which, as any
'i -.f waryv critic would now-a-days write
in that uncomnfoirtable to-tnorrow'
',, morrin. rr's article, "evidently bears
i, __t traces of its French origin."
.= The piece is a species, of pan-
-' tobalrmio!ovandefarcebeurtraigico -
SII. '' opedrama, aclassof dramatic conm-
position hitherto unattempted in
Bngland. It is in six acts and twelve tableaux; considerably con-
densed from the original.
The so oene is laid in Russia, tlis part being purely historical. The
er-iod is dnri -i thle incursion of thie Troglodyte Hordes. Thie characters
are too mnumirons to be here sct down, but, for the information of our
roader'l, we mayii state that the list includes most of the distinguished
f'amilios niixed up with the Slhmitic Incursion, and the less popular,
but equally during, descendants of the fallen dynasties of the Western
The title is -
(In thi original Les Trois Ca 'r'res. Observe, no mere translation
AcrTl. ScrxN 1.I-A Wild, jIontcrair on the Shores of Abyssinia.
AMl noliight in the distance. Iossflropers scouring the plain with
bhri'thes with the enemy. Enter iMo.'TI:PerIt(ANO, pursued. IHe
pauses abruptly. The wild nmoint ai gres wilder thani ever, and
is boaind ill its own chain.--ableaub the first.
In this act the aged grandfathers and grandmothers of the culprits,
not being required for tiho subsequent development of the plot, are
stoned to deatli amid thie oxecrations of two later generations of their
postority.-Tableaut the second.
AmC 2.--lolnig the Five Bodies. A torchlighlt ballet on the principles
of irniLal magnetismn and tie latest scientific discoveries.-Tableau
Ihe third.
'This Ihas nothing to do with the piece, and may be omitted in
general representations.
'(tr 3{.--[airtlr of fathers-tableau, the fourth ; and mothers-tableau
the fifth. Pantomimee.
The dialogue in this act is too noble to be entirely passed over.
Oiraldus (on h is knees). Not so! [Exit snappishly.
Hcnrico (on. Giraldus's knees). Nay, hear me. [Enters.
Fire Prisoners (aside). He dies! [Retire up.
She. All! (melts). [Crosses 1.11.
Here tihefointains play ani policemen enter.-Tableau the sixth.
ACT 4.-Some one discovers the body!-fableau, the seventh; and is
in-tediatoly smothered with mattresses, tableau the eighth.
AcT 5.-Back ?ine nf the Polar Regions.- Tableau the ninth. TJustice
,iAdicatcs itself by hanging the wrong man. Ballet.-2'ableau the

ACT 6.-Interior of the Pragmatic Sanction. Grand Tiall.-Tableaun
the etleirntfh. .iistice not discovering the 'mistake, the exiyencires
of morality are satisfied, by the itrin.rpcted eruption of an extinct
rilcano. The sulrtat's palace falls and rushes the robbers.-
Thhi-nmlt fite 'cr l'llr.

We think that this might be nicely and effectively worked up for
Christmas, as it affords a fine opening for a panorama descriptive of
an exalted personage's tour in the east, together with the latest Italian
and American intelligence, scientific balloon ascents, and other topics
of the day. Should Ma. BoucrcAu;rr, Msi. FALCONEIt, or MR. BUCK-
STONE see their wny to the production of the above, we shall be most
happy to introduce any one of them, or all three, to our talented and
estimable contributor.

IF we were satisfied with merely saying something smart, we
should content ourselves with describing Sml Jont PAKINGTON as a
brilliant mediocrity." But we refrain, knowing that, however will
tile substantive may describe him, the adjective is utterly inapplicable.
Mediocre lie might have been -oven without any efforts of his own:
but brilliant--never !
IIe wvas born in 1799, in Worcestershiro; a ceramic county, for
which, as thoroughly representing the potteringg" interests, nature
seems to have intended him to take a place in Parliament. Better
would it have been for him if she -had promoted him to the
oblivion of a decent obscurity, instead of exposing him to the gaze
of the world, pettifbgging on the back stairs of the Admiralty, or
cajoling and intimidating the shipwrights, of the greatest maritime
nat ion on the flce of the globe.
InI 1837 lie took his seat for Droitwich, supposed to be the ancient
Gotham, though by some autiquaries held to be a colony from the
Scilly Isles. For this place he has been continuously returned since.
IIo is in politics a ''ory, and inscribes on his banner, Church and
King "-" Dicu et mon Droit-wich," and such other mottoes as the
Conservatives claim as exclusively their own.
His real name is RUSSELL, PAKINGTON being an alias merely, and
assumed, like many other aliases, because there was money to be got.
Assumption is indeed SIn JOHN's chief-if not his only-talent. He
has framed to his own satisfaction a homne-mado reputation for him-
self as a Colonial Secretary out of the super-abundance of SiR
WILrIAM MOLESWORTH. And he arrogates a distinction as head of
the Admiralty, because he once built a lot of old tubs, in which he
has publicly washed his dirty linen ever since.
He took his seat, as we have said, in '37; in'52 he was made Secre-
tary for the Colonies. The services by which in the meantime he
had earned that place were not of a nature to be known to the public.
That he was a staunch and unhesitating party-server was a qualifica-
tion for office which hie, perhaps, took care the world should not
know he possessed. At a. loss, therefore, for the real reason, people
attributed his appointment to the Colonies 'to the fact that he was
never at homo in politics. In 1858 he was made First Lord of the
Admiralty-not because he was at sea in politics either, but because
of his known aptitude at docking the power of the opposition, an
aptitude he displayed at Dover, in 1859, to the discomfiture of BERNAi.

His speeches are specious platitudes uttered for party purposes, of
which the best that can be said is, they give his faction "a decent
excuse for voting." His style is feeble: he occasionally rises to
respectability (we are speaking ofhis oratory), and never sinks below
commonplace-at least if the reporters can help it.
The chance of birth has placed him among the "country gentle-
men," though he seems more fitted to form one of the pack of place-
hunting lawyers. If he follows the fox, it is less as a huntsman than
as an imitator; and that he loves the Game Laws seems due to his I
admiration rather of the penalties they exact, than of the privileges
they protect. Iis figure, like everything connected with him, is
small. As regards his mental powers-his hat is invariably a good
one, but he wants something more to put into it than a straight part-
ing and well-brushed gray hairs, which do Aot .command respect when
considered in connexion with dookyards. It would .be well were his
principles as spotless and irroproaclable as his boots-or as clean and
well-starched as .his linen. For if not remarkable .as politician or an
orator, he is unrivalled as a representative of senile -dandyism.
The career of Sill Jon N PAKINO.TON is useful as an example to all
aspirants for political fame. If he has not benefited his country, he
has, at least, been gibbeted as a warning for would-be M.P.'s against
the dangers of ambitious and unscrupulous mediocrity. With greater
taleintsr nd a nblermbition he might have gained the affection of
friends and the hatred of enemies, where he has only achlieved uni-
versal pity or contempt. With less ambition, and with no greater
talents, lie might have worked out for himself a lasting local reputa-
tion as the third-rate attorney of a small country -town.

__ _~___I_ ~


IftoBER 4, 1B62'.]


EDUCATION.-The art of drawing out the faculties of the young,
these faculties being the- golden wires that. govern the movements of
the adult human being, and the more they are drawn out the finer
they become. The business of instruction involves two main con-
siderations-what to teach and how to teach-it; or, in other words,
what each we-taught and' what ought we teach.must be questions well
considered. The great art of educating is to fit the child for per-
forming the functions to which he is destined when he becomes a;
man, for we all learn something in, early life that we may all earns
something afterwards. Reading, writing, and arithmetic are the'
essentials of primary tuition, and without these you can make a scholar,
heed aright, it is impossible for him to read a writer, or make any
figure in the world. Wo are glad to believe that-the fagging system
at our public schools is now at its, fag-end.; bt though the strong,
should never oppress the weak, and it is cowardly for a big-boy to'
attack a smaller one, many a great man-.will'remember how the-school-
master once gave him the cane, and' told him to come hit a less'un..
The lessonrhe was then committing to memory he will'further tell you.
was all the education he had for getting everything else.
ELECTIaCITY.-A term derived from the Greek word for amber;
because it was first observed in the friction of that substance, and to
this day the phrase retains about it a good deal of amber-guity.
Although we speak of the electric fluid, we really know very little of
its nature, except that it is not what we usually call a fluid at all.l
Simple experiments in electricity are known to every schoolboy, and
these experiments, if he like tries at tea, the father of a-family may.
repeat with the-sugar-basin, and theneobtain some.curious results by,
briskly rubbing the fur of a cat's back. the wrong way. The-hot tea
will be found to quickly ru.over the, legs of the individual who has got
the eat upon the lap, and'thoecontents of the milk.jug will become a liko-
trickle immediately after. Another way is to fill. a glass with some
strong spirit, and if the finger and thumb be frequently brought into con-
tact with it whilst the rim is raised to the lips, a decided shock will in
time be given to the system. If the experimentalist should be a rapid
conductor, he will th more speedily find himself highly charged, and
become in an excited state. In this condition, should he enter a room
where some quiet young men are talking with their sweethearts, and
present his knuckles to the assembled company, sparks will, be seen
flying from them in all directions. The effect is considerably
heightened if the light be extinguished first.
ErLECTRIc B.vRAnuky.-A co ibination of small Leyden jars united
1-. .I I..' forms an electric ba-teory, the collected jars being then laden
with electricity and capable of giving a jar, or shock, to any one with
whom they come in contact. It has been often used for-military ope-
rations, and a discharge from this battery is generally considered
irresistible, because no sole jar misses its aim.
ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH---Within the last few years electric clocks,
electric lights, and electric telegraphs havo enabled the public to
measure their time, see their iway, and send' their messages by an
agent which, a.hundred years ago, puzzled our ancestors to discover
the principal. The telegraph is the most important of all these appli-
cations of the wonder-working power of electricity, and the manner in
Which the dial instrument, will transmit a dialogue for thousands of
mTili between two persons conversing at either end, shows how very
Sq,',kl., the letters are delivered by the telegraph posts. For the
pi'tp.... oftransmitting this inquiry, a wire of copper is used, but as
Szinc wire is always to be seen somewhere about, you may as well get
a piece, go to the telegraph clerk, and ask him where this zinc wire is
made. Through the great number of questions the public always
w',it to put to somebody, the telegraph companies expect their wires
to answer pretty well. Recent investigations show that if the con-
dictors or telegraph clerks be in a negative state, it will be some time
before the message reaches its destination, unless the inquirer be in a
very positive state indeed, which will supply the deficiency. When
two clerks are talking together without paying any attention to the
Visitor who is waiting to send a telegram when they are at leisure, it
Sis to be understood, not as a show of personal disrespect to the appli-
cant, but as a highly interesting conversational experiment in clectro-

WHAT hard work is.an arptist'alot!"
Said TINTO, groaning wheezily.
"Well," said his friend, "I say, 'tis not,
For pictures'are done easily."

MEETING in the Star Chamber.-Clerk of theo
Moon in Apogeo. Great, excitement.
Racing.-On the last of the hot. days thero will

Veatlohr in the cliair.

boa.grandi heat.


S2 8 & St. Paul's. Opening day for Sar-deans.
29 M Members of the Light. Wine Association. drive' out in n
S van ordinaire.
30 Tu Matih at short whist bhy kert-hand writers. Flour~lhl of
11 W Grand' Gbncert of'FuN-ny bones and clcavars.
2 TH. Anniversary of the Thirty Years' W\ar. Tea.and thlitusinil
loyal toasts at six,
3 F Meeting of Pre-Adamites at Eve, in. the State of Na iro.
4 S Payday. Battle of Saiaryno. Paygento in the GlCu
Y To-morrow.

Late Beans.-Don't situp for your late beans; givo'em ialathllkry.
Trellis Work.-Get crossed in love, and nail yourself up agains.t-lih
Borders.-Look after your borders, whether day boarders on atllier-
wise,,and don't let thoin walk on the grass.
We have received, over three hundred letters asking thetu' .sai
question,.to which we have but one reply, namely, that wo, ami not
acquaintediwith.any flower known as T'piaca. coclolrarnm.

Now is the time for garden iinprovcmoits. Lay out your garden
lengthways, but warily, mind you, warily; not florgtigllig the old
proverb, There's more haste with the worst spade." Select your
implement accordingly.
llaalks.-Paths should be made about the length of firom ihero to
there; the distance after all must dCepend upon tie pace ofl the p]eds-
trian. It should be about their samno distance lnck e nlin. Let, there
10 invariably a view of the sea through the keylholo of your sllilluIIrr-
house door.
Landsacape.--Wilh a view It prelly scenery, seizo on your im('eia .
debtor's effebrl, and arri'.igo the n ti ntictially in your gardile.
Ilive a lnusery gadl ncr t to raini your clhilirel as (crepris.
Ilow t') Pr'odlicii Sepl'brr M.1ushrooms in your Ilhulrk Kitchl. Il uy,
or in any other way lprlcilre, tlh rclnired iiiiilironias ; pocl'ket liho
samo skilfully; walk into your back kitchen ; asseiillui the house-
hold ; then produce them. No one can dic-irc more than this.
If the capsicnn won't grow or the lialsicum eitllor, labol the
former, ignominiously, capsi-can't-oomo, and call the letter wiything
you like.
Antiquarian Window Gardening.-Dig an ditch underneath. your
widow-sill, and foss-sill remains. Thore you are.

Classicus.-Yes ; tih best way to get a rcputalion for wisdoin ii to
go out bird's-nesting regularly. The educated classes ii your
villa will then call you (lid Nestor.
Lotty Scott.-Don't be afraid ; the drone ofa bUnpipo won't slilg.
Twozzle.-The ground on which their Leaning Tower of P'is in. huilt
is not and never was the l.ye IIHuse 'lot.
Our own lawyer forwards answers to several logal questions, via..:-
Maggiqi Zine.-What, is a Provisional Contract? M. VELtLAJDS8
at the Exhibition.
A Donlcey wishes to know if ho can be. n- aas-igno ? Yeai wlhy note?
Boo Bee asks what is a simple contract ? If A agrees to give B. tiwo
thouEsnd pounds for nothing at all, and 1 agrees to ta.ko it,. tllhis
is a vory simple contract on the part of A,.anrlone whiolhi we should
add, requires a great deal of onsideration."
Lawsamnercy asks what is a Vosting Order." Go to your tailor, and
tell him to make you a vaistcoati.

"A Rivan TiHOuHT."-Did it, indeed ? We know, of course,
before that a river often reflected, but that it possesend. tha power of
thought, is an assertion we were altogether unprepared to hear,

F-UTi .

24 I [OCTOBER 4, 1862.



No. 29.-BY MR. Cu-s L-V-R.
MICK, the materials! said the major.
The day's battle had been a fierce one. Thrice had the whole
force of the Federal army been hurled against the three companies of
Virginian Irish, commanded by the heroic O'KELLY, whose army rank
was major, but whose intimates knew him as PAT. A better hand at
breaking a horse or mixing a brew of punch, at bringing down a
squirrel with a single ball or singing a comic song, never left County
Limerick. Thrice had O'KELLY and his Irishmen repelled the shock,
and they now sat down merrily together on the chevaux de frise, and
made ready to brew their punch in the regulation pontoons.
"Thrue for you, darlint!" said MICK O'GuNoN, with the genial
familiarity of an old retainer. "Faix, ye would villain! it's herself as is fond
of a dhrop of the drink, and sure it's not after blaming yiz for that
same that I am, at all at all Och yo thief of the worrrld !"
SMICK," was the reply of the major, "I shall have to give you five
dozen yet!"
The enthusiastic O'GANNON was immediately silent. At that
instant a cannon-ball carried away his head. His silence continued,
and was at last observed by the major and his companions. Drinking
a glass all round to the memory of the faithful serjeant, they made
themselves as comfortable as possible under the circumstances of the
case. The punch was excellent; and after two little interruptions-
during which the major slew four Massachusets men with his own
strong hand, nerved by the drink he loved so well-harmony became
the order of the evening. VANDELEUR, of the 13th Arkansas;
O'BRIEN, of the 00th Louisiana; and GRADY, the regimental doctor of
the Carolina Dragoons, all sang a good song; and the major himself,
though he made no great pretension to skill as a scientific vocalist,
had a rich mellow voice, and trolled "The Night before Larry was
Stretched." The merriment, however, began to flag as the enemy's

fire thickened and grew hot. They were all as brave as lions, but to
lose so many friends-BoB BURKE, JEMMY DALY, and FITZGERALD fell
within five minutes-was really almost enough to annoy anybody.
Growing tired, they determined to vary the proceedings by a charge.
Their plan was simple. A deeply-scarped ravine ran parallel with
the eastern glacis of the redoubt, and was intersected at intervals by
lunettes and gabions of considerable size. If they could manage to
creep along under the shadow of the embrasures, they might possibly
be able to fall upon the enemy unobserved. Accordingly, after taking
a parting glass, and responding heartily when Private CORRIGAN pro-
posed the major's health, the gallant Irishmen set forth upon their
desperate enterprise with shouts of laughter.
It is impossible to describe their astonishment on hearing their
merriment responded to by the whole of the Federal army. The
firing ceased, and the jolly Irishmen continued their march (which
was of a somewhat unsteady character) in a state of great curiosity as
to what could be the cause of such strange glee. It takes a good deal
to make even one Yankee laugh, but here was a whole army shouting!
In about seven minutes MAJOR PAT clambered up the almost
precipitous side of the ravine, and took a sly glance at the enemy's
encampment with one eye, whilst he winked to his companions with
the other. Natural advantages (in the shape of a squint) alone
enabled him to achieve this feat.
The laughter of the Federals was easily accounted for. The second
volume of FUN had just arrived. No sooner did PAT O'KELLY catch
sight of its magenta cover, than he bounded like a tiger on a trcop of
Connecticut Carbiniers, who were so overcome with laughter as to
be unable to offer the slightest resistance; seized the precious volume,
and ran back to his companions.
That night both armies roared.

OH!-May a bitter enemy of CARDINAL WISEMAN-as a cardinal-
be said to have a hat-red for the red hat ?

OCTOBER 4, 1862.]


THE midnight sky hangs overhead
With stars, few, faint, and pale;
And the ceaseless clamour of hammers rings
In front of the gloomy jail;
And that sound to the ear of the doomed in the cell
To reach it cannot fail.
By early morning's cold gray light
The people gather in bands,
For Justice will preach her lesson to-day
To all civilized Christian lands :
And see, whero gaunt, and grim, and black,
Her scaffold-pulpit stands.
Now, down below in the city square
Sways a surging, howling mob:
It shouts for the culprit to come and die,
For the hangran to do the job,"
While the hardened laugh, and the lewd blaspheme,
And the crafty steal and rob.
Scarce 'mid the roar of the crowded square
Can you hear the death-bell toll;
While sheriff and chaplain and hangman forth
From the prison portals stroll;
For all is ready out of the world
To thrust a wretched.soul.
Then the noose is fixed, and the prayer is said,
And touched the fatal spring;
A heavy plunge-a struggle-and then
Slow round the corpse 'gins swing :
Till the crowd that groaned when the bolt was drawn
Makes a jest of the awful thing!
And the people scatter, some to their work,
And some to the haunts of sin,
To eke the law's high holiday out
In the palaces of gin;
And the workmen have taken the gibbet down
And the .toils of day begin.
And how-much better are those, I pray,
Who the moral lesson saw ?-
A butcher dressed in his Sunday suit
For the Majestyof the Law.
Oh a hireling hand at a wretch's throat,
Wins Justice little awe.


Tnrr: following letter from a contribiior upon whose punctuality in
the supply of copy we are Roman .o.u.,i to phle implicil reliance,
will serve to illustrate some of' tlie miseries which editors have o,
endure. Remonstrance with nor mnii esteem him) would. we fear, ) I'fril less ; besides, it will be perceived
that his address is exceedingly vague.
The South ('Cnsi r Euf 'l;hun in the Month of irptrnlHer.
SN.B.-Tihe lciavs are gelttiuig lirowil.
Dear Sir,-I received, before leaving Liond, a note, in which,
besides a handsome cheque, you forwarded me a request for copy. As
regards the fo:'iiier, 1 beg to acknowledge its receipt : as regards tho
Slater, my answer shall be Iperleevly l frank.
SNo, sir, o .' Not if I ;ll aware of it.
My powers of indolence are nat-urally considerable, but have lately
I been undeveloped. lan, my' dear sir, woull never hliav bcli pro-
vided with a back had it not lienl inltoti'ed that hie should lie down
i upon1 it. I have come down here addresss is :iven nhovne) to roll
Supon the b!riny turl, and to floal, lpol tIhe thyne-seentod waves. I
hare not come down heroI to write copy. And, to tpeak plainly, 1
woon' I!
I Ipresume the weather in London is unplensant. On suchl di!-
Sagreeable days as those with wheilch iliagilie you to ie disfavoured, it
will be a congouiial task for your other conli riblutors to while nwiny 1th
' dreary hours by inditing tlhse gy quiNs whiiC set all EnJ')land
l roaring over week. lly own case is different. Ihit .1 have no doubt
that B.-any 3.-or G., or l1., or, Z., or, in point of flia, any olf er man,
will readily and cheerfully provide you with the iuaterial, which the
peculiar circumstances of( mny precenit position render it absolutely
impcrativo for me not to filrish.
Our weather is magnificent. At an early hour this morning, as
two travellers (and several other men, but the travellers wero com-
mercial, you know, and I only wonder G.. .t. R. JlAMES uevr thought
of introducing a couple of those gentlemen into the iunny valleys of
A.vergne) entered their respective bathiing machines, my own gigantic
(but well-proportioned) form night have been perceived wallowing
in the billows. When my gigantic form returned to my gigantic
hotel, my gigantic appetite was placed beyond a doubt. Capital
-thing is a swim before breakfast, my dear Editor; csts you all right
for the day-braces you, sir !
I break off this letter for a moment to pull down the window blind.
The sun is getting too powerful .... Doe.,o it rain in Londoni
IIa! ha !
Sir, I shout with joy every morning. 1 scamper about the Downs
like a young horse. The nir is absolut ely intoxicating. My spiritH
are as light as coal-.gs. I could easily ascend six miles, like M N1,SSK1.
COXWELL and GLAISHER, if I w erc to lighten myself by throwing out
my cigar case, which I decline to do.
You remember that, before I left London, my 'count.llelance, though
still beautiful, had a shalde of pallor, produced by overmuch burning
of the midnight gas ? Very well, you should see me unoo, old boy J
look as jolly as a bronze d'art. My complexion-la! ha! I was rather
blasd, I fancy, when I left town. 1 hlal been to most places, at most
hours. I had been up in a balloon, and I liad been down in a sower.
In point of fact, I was getting very weary. nll. CuAIII.;s KIEAN him-
self failed to make me laugh, and I could not even weep at Miss ADA
SwANBOROUGcI'S burlesque acting.
All this is changed. Bless your heart, old follow W lu;Asl's lMadge
amuses me for hours. WILIlllu'S Madge is a retriever (Irish breed,
but with a white fault about the legs). I throw my gloves from me,
WILLUM's Madge runs after them, and brings them to me in her
mouth ; we smile broadly at eoch other, and wag our left cars. Thi;
occurs, old chap, close to the ridge of a noble down," as Mil. TENNY-
SON says. Mi. TENNYSON, sir, your very good health! Capitalllo
bright and beady.
As MIA. Cu-s L-v-- gave me his Prize Essay before I loft, I don't
mind enclosing it in this envelope; but as for any personal copy of
my own-no, sir, no I am now going to lie down upon my back on
the beach. Ta! ta! I am a great deal to lazy to sign my name.

AGrTCuIruRALs INTFITJ.IGENCE.-Colosidering that they must always
have their fields in their hedls, it is no great wonder that farmers'
brains should ble a little muddy at times ; but we were hardly pro-
pared for a letter we have received from MlI. Tua IUTS, of Crass Farm,
Wilts. lie objects to the creation of telegraphs, because he says they
are likely to breed wire-worms!
TII. WORST WEATHER ON RixCO).-The rain of terror.


71~7 -F17- l~t~S~

OCTOBER 4, 1862.

28 F INT.




DEAR FUN,-Of making new music
there is no end; ballads are easy-any
composer can write a score; but what is
wanted is poetry I Words-words! I
offer my services to the music publishers,
and enclose samples, which I hope to see
in your journal.-Yours, B. FLAT.
(The right of translation is reserved).
OH turn not thus away, love,
But listen while I speak,
And deign to hear me out, love,
It is not much I seek;
Oh grant I may not seek, love,
That little all in vain,
But prithee ease my heart, love,
Of its distracting pain.
Pain! ah! me, 'tis pain, love,
In anxious doubt to wait;
I feel you don't know how, love,
Nor what may be your fate.
Then answer me, my own love,
Oh! let me, dearest, know,
Quickly, briefly, sweetly, love,
On Sunday where you go ?

Oh! where am I going on Sunday
Is what I must not tell,
Perhaps where I am going on Monday,
May answer just as well;
But I do not know for certain,
I would tell you if I could,
Most likely 'tis to Jericho,
If that stands where it stood.
But "of all the days that's in the week
I dearly love but one day,"
And that's the middle day of course,
For that you know is FUN-day.
With pity for your tender feet,
I end as I began,
I must not tell you where I go,
Or any other man.

THE following correspondence has been handed to us for publica-
tion. Wo abstain from printing the names in full, but shall be happy
to supply the omission to any person who can prove himself to be in
the possession of fifty numbers of FUN.
From L-D P---N to the E-L OF SH- Y.
DEAR Sn---Y :
Under which thimble is the little pea P
Under which mitre is the pri-ma-cee ?
Which is poetry or worse ? There are four starters for the Canter-
bury Stakes-York, Lincoln, London, and Oxford, and which is to be
the lucky man ? The country pays the money, and you have your
choice. The Saponaceous One, I suppose, you will at once scratch
as a horse of the wrong colour; besides which, he might be too
clover for you. Never mind, there are three left. If in difficulty as
to pick, I've an idea. Let you, CLOSE (not my Bonny poet, but the
teetotal dean), and MARLBOHOUGH go odd man for the winner, and
send me the result,-Yours, and Exeter Hall's (so long as it votes the
right way), P.
The E-L OF SH---- to L-D P- N.
MY DEAR FRIEND,-Reprehending, as I naturally must, the tone
of levity pervading your communication, and passing by in silence the
suggestion that I and the two other gentlemen you mention should go
odl. man (some new device, I imagine, of her of Rome) to decide the
momentous question you have submitted to me, yet to the best of
my humble ability I will assist you in your decision. I recognize the
important 'crisis in the history of this land which has now arrived,
and the masterful efforts the papal ruler is making to secure a per-
manent footing in this country. This at once causes me to reject the

candidate whom you mention under the vague, and I must add some-
what ribald, designation of the Saponaceous One. Only last week a
young Jesuit priest, disguised as a butcher boy, stopped me close by
Exeter Hall, whither I was going to preside over a meeting to con-
sider the best way of furnishing paper collars to the inhabitants of
Timbuctoo, with the mysterious question, "Where are you going on
Sunday ?" and, on my informing him of my destination on that day,
he jeeringly demanded to know How were my poor feet ? Not
stumbling Romewards," was my answer ; at which he left me,
evidently surprised at my detecting him. This will show you, my dear
friend, the dangers by which we are surrounded, and I think you
cannot do better than raise my friend TAIT, or some decidedly low
church divine, to the vacant primacy; in which case you may depend
on the support of Exeter Hall, and yours seriously, S.
P.S.-My friend CLOSE sends his humble respects, and begs me to
say, that though quite insensible to mundane vanities in general, and
church preferment in particular, yet he has no objection to accept the
next vacant mitre that may come to hand.

stern political economist, figures in the list of subscribers to the fund
for distressedLancashire, whilst other mills-notably the cotton-mills-
are conspicuous by their absence. We trust that this is not indicative
that the latter are still sterner political economists than the former,
but only that they are temporarily a-stern in the movement.
ultimate success of those who are fighting for "unity" in America?
They have only to go on as at present, and, in due time, they'll come
to the last man. Tranquillity will then, possibly, reign in the Unit-ed'

OCTOBER 4, 1862.]



,'. E last letter, dear Mr. Editor,
'informed you how disgracefully
SEuw.iIN behaved to me and my
dearmaniuma and brothers, and of
'd the wicked story he fabricated in
order to account for his absence.
SBut although vxred and disgusted
.beyond measure, I am not entirely
Without consolation. I think lhe
will 'be far from happy at Palace
Gardens. His club is closed for
repairs, and, with the exception of
T 35 and his wife, there isn't a
; IY soul in the house at Kensington.
ANN .are .away for their holiday;
and JOHN, CoNRAD, min-rse, and
P ERnINs (my maid) are with me
here. So I amuse myself with
imagining the disgust-with which
EDWIN (who is absurdly fastidious)
"W" will turn over Mus. T 85's half-
done chops and wretched potatoes,
-- :- and how indignantly he will ring
for her to take away the disgusting
red-herring and salt but-r,; which I am quite positive she will provide
for his breakfast; and how he will-swear at the proof impressions of
that lady's fingers on !his clean shirts, after button-sewing. And
then the damp sheets'! 3EDWIN sneezes all night if he only fancies
the sheets are damp. And then, oh! 'Mr. Editor, what.do you think
he has left behind:him P 'Why, all his boots and slippers, except the
pair of sand shoes he was wearing when he packed-up But I dare
say he will. manage, for Lamassured.that:the police are supplied with
excellent Blulckcrs; .and-as E:wIN has.a preposterously small foot (for
a man), I have no doubt that he .will .be able to get into a pair of
T 35's.
As for ourselves, we manage to get on pretty well without him.
Dear mamma and I spend the greater part of the day in shopping,
and the only drawback to our pleasure is the behaviour of .HoiCE
and VIRGIL, who spend the morning in periwinkle hunting, and the
afternoon in boiling the nasty things in a tin shaving-pot over a gas
jet in their bedroom. However, as we return next week, it is not
worth while to expostulate.-Your sincere friend,
Bioulogne-sur-Mer. ANGELINA BROWN.
P.S.-I open this to say that Ihave .just received the following
letter from my disgraceful husband:-
"Dearest Angie,-All 'sipht-arrivcd safely. Forgot boots-didn't
matter--boughtmnore boots. Stopping with Allnight at Albany-capital
fellow, Allnight. Splendid chambers-quite happy-business all day-
pleasure all night. Drury Lane and Evans's:on Monday-Cremorne,
Tuesday--itiens and Giuglini, Wednesday-Parepa in 'aritana
to-night. Feel myself a bachelor again. Giaod-hye !-best,love-don't
fret. Affectionate h sbwand, EDWIN."
Oh Mr. Editor, I'm so miserable! -A. B.

MIlSTER HEiDDITu,-Hit's hall werry wel thot wee pore peepel-wot
cum 2 c the Irrational Xaddition should bee so larfed att, bot i sez
hit's a shaim. In Dursedshur wee ad erd so motch aboot this ere Xad-
dition that oi and moi wife cummed hup 2 Lunnon 2 zee it, and wen
wee gotten in, aboot the vurst thing has we zor wuz a grate thing as
wee cood zee throo, an'i sez 2 JAIN, JAIN, pez i, i sez, thot's wot they corl
the cone-ore i.sez, an blodo hif allhtho-foin fokes didn't go a bustin
a larfin; and i sez an allus wull sai, as ow its a shaini. Wee mai
not no as motch asthey doo aboot doimunts and jules an sotch like,
hot i'd like to c 'em a plowin of a field or wreepin of coarne, or the
foin laydees a darning of coats an stocking; that's hall i haz to zay,
bud if u can poot this in a corner iv yer paper u shall ere vrom me
agane.-i remane zuri:yours'umbilly T. CHAwIBAcoN.

VERY APPROPRIATELY INDEED.-Should the Underground Iailway
prove a success, may it be designated a hit in the dark ? "


IT is always sure to occur,
As aulumnnal days appear,
My pen will cease to stir,
And my work fill in.nrrear;
And I fancy with less to do.
'Ilhat I richer should like to be.
Did this ever occur.lo you P
It has often.occurred.tome.
Talking-of that-wo trip
Forth on a holiday flight,
But a pleasant sail,.a stroll, and:a dip,
Hardly pay ftr the longdullinight;
And-delighl tfl it seems to see,
The Strand once more in view.
This s as often occurred toime,
,Did it ever occur to you P
Talking about the Strand,
When you haven't a minute to spare,
As you hurry to dine with a friend at Iland,
There's a block in the thoroughfare;
First a waggon of coal--then two
Creep out of a laie-then three.
:Did this, ever occur to you P
It has often occurred to me.
Talking of walking along,
When a pretty girl you have met,
*Haven't you fancied she happened the wrong
Man for a lover to get?
IHer companion's a brato, you sec
Ono better would love her you knew.
The idea has often occurred to me,
Did it over occur to you P
Talking about a fcce,
Haven't you often seen
One that you-putting the name for a case-
Would swear was Mis. Gin 1:;N
Why, Bless mie! How d'ye do?"
You say, liut it isn't she ;
Did this ever occur to you ?
It has often occurred to ime
Talking of making mistakes,
Have ever you uade up your mind,
Something more novel than chlins or steaks,
That day fior your" dinner to find ?
But -at seven o'clock -not throe-
Yon that cliop or a.steak renew.
Now this has olten occurred to. me,
Did it over occur.to you ?
Talking of chops-the print
Which gives you the daily news;
Isn't it often dropped a hint,
Which clearly expressed your views ?
And haven't you said that view,
Which showed what things ought to bo,
Iad often before occurred to you ?
It's a thing that.occurs to me.
Talking of this, I'm sure,
When somebody came to invent,
A plan for working those mills once more,
Which only for cotton were meant,
Haven't you felt that le,
Who dropped on that notion new,
Had thought of what might have occurred to me,
But had often occurred to you ?

MOST ruILY AccoUNTEn roR.-The EsrMPtItio NAPOLrONI' true--or
rather fal?',-character is fully accounted for in the following manner:
that, being the Man of December," he is necessarily, in other words,
a Decembler-a dissembler !-[The writer of this is in safe custody.]
A NEW DEFINITION.-Locomotion.-A "misunderstanding" amongst
the inhabitants of Seven Dials, which is generally, by the way, a very
low commotion indeed !

_ ___ _1~__ __

_ ~~_


F0 IT T. [OCTOBER 4, 1862.

\ ,~ I 11!li ~~

NS'cep (to diiuiy Shopmanl):-" NOW, THEN, YER SAYS IN THE WINDER YEAR'S GOT GOOD


IT is our intention to supply the street-traders of London with
appropriate ditties, adapted to popular airs. By so doing we hope to
encourage native talent, and drive the Italian and German artistes off
the road, while at the same time we substitute agreeable melodies for
lie present unintelligible London cries.
Air -" The Perfect Cure."
For cat and dog I furnish prog,
In every square and street;
Ohl! how they fly to where I cry,
In liquid strains, Cat's meat!"
It is the best of equine flesh
That money can procure;
And then consider I but charge
A lha'penny a skewer !
skewer, a skewer, a skewer, a skewer,
A ha'penny a skewer !
To hear my voice the dogs rejoice,
And wag their grateful tails,
With hops and skips, and lick their lips,
At i ---. ;r.o of their regales.
.\nd calls that in the sunshine bask,
All looking so demure-
.lump up and run whenever I cry,
A ha'penny a skewer!
A skewer, a skeer, a skewer, a skewer,
A ha'penny a skewer!

THE NEW AMrFICN I DIIlNK.-LINCOLN'S draft. (N.B. Very cooling.)

TIE supplies of all kinds of fish now flow into the market in shoals.
Flatfish flounder about in every direction, and having been deposited
in the respective owner's scales, readily find place in fishmongers'
carts and market baskets. Many poor souls procure eels at a cheap
rate, and those who are in the habit of buying salmon and cod daily,
very rarely mullet. A great deal of fish is given away sometimes,
which is anything but selfish. Those who are dissatisfied with the
day's transactions walk away in a crabbed mood, and will not move a
muscle for anybody, for when asked to give a hoist here, they cockle
up their backs and wrinkle their brows. When the frosty weather
sets in it is expected there will be a great run upon skates. Any one
caught in the act of boning a fish will find that the owner of the
property will not stickle back, but chastise the thief with a broom
handle, or "any other stick" that perchance may present itself,
so that instead of carrying off a cod or a herring, the offender
will run away with something very like a wale, and console himself
with a little blubber.

A QUESTION FOi BARON BRAMWELL.-Is "striking a bargain" an
assault ?

tJS The SECOND Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with highly-
finished Comic Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous
Articles bi/ distinguished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound
in Magenta cloth, gilt, price 4s. Gd., post free 5s.
Also, the Title, Preface, and Index to the SECOND Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Number, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d. each.

.London: PrI.:( l ndF 1' liehed (fcr the Proprictor.-) by CHARLES WIYTE, at the Otfice, SO, Fleet Street, E.C.-October 4, 1862.


OCTOBER 11, 1802.]

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DEAR ANNE,-You'll be sorry to hear that poor 1M. H. is again
laid up-or laid down, I should say, for he's on the sophy all day-with
a terrible information, an old sore new set, as the profit says, in his
leg ; consummately .we have been propelled to stay in town much
against our inspirations. Determined not to lose the fresh air entirely,
I and MARY hired an open broach with a couple of rome horses (I do
like that colour so), and drove down to Hampstead Heath. We went
by way of Regent-street, Regent's Park, into the Barmaid-road, which
is very pretty, though it must have had a more crusty or rural ap-
pearance before they built all over it: I elude to the time when there
were nothing but fields, which was its Norman state. Hampstead
itself is very high up; and from the top of the hill we got a clear view
of Harrow church, whose lofty squire can be seen from nearly every-
where, like the Christian Palace at Cinnamon.
Ladies' school seem to rebound here; and donkeys are equally
humorous. But why the poor asses are disguised in hollands, except it
is to keep off the flies, and why they should be suborned with another
comparison (which is always odious, you know) over their noses and
their backs, I can't comprehend; but this discussion is quite irre-
verent to the matter in hand. As we were breathing the pure braces
of heaven, two young gipsy women, with eyes like snows, and lips like
the pouting sherry, came up and offered to tell our fortunes. Why,
bless us I they pretended that they were Egyptian civils, and infested
that we would allow them to cask our activity. But I wasn't going
to be received by these people, although the elder of the two did tell
me quite correctly that I was a married woman-in holy picklock, I
think, was her depression. On seeing a policeman coming, they both
made off as fast as their legs would carry them.
I was quite disappointed with Hampstead; I expected it to be quite
another place, and it wasn't. Feeling hungry, for the air is collocated
to do that, we went to the "Jack Straw's Castle," which was, I believe,
once famous for its strawberry beds, but, of course, we were too late
in the year for those bong bushes, as the French say. However, we

had a very nice cold collection, and managed to e.'joy ourselves, as ,vo
always do. I want Mi. H. to go down to Briglhi-n, or soIme nice
quiet little seaside place, not like Ramsgato, whero you don't know
whom you may pick up; though what I want MhIu. II. to get soe air
for is that he may pick himself up. I am so surprised to find th e
country about six or eight miles out of London so very countrified as
it is; I thought that there were no green trees or any sign of devns-
tation until one travelled down to the north, or into one of the counticin
of England. But really, not to mention llampstead, Riclihmond, mil
Kew Gardens, where, as you know, we've riled many happy hours
away," as the song says, there's the beautiful gardens of the Christian
Palace to which I've deferred before; and before we go away for good,
I shall most decidedly get my husband to give me a good round in
that building, as I want to see the ancient Pumping Court, the Alrinor,
which was the ancient palace of the Mores, and other objects of interest
to which we had not time to attend when the Vandal Festival was
given. I think it was the Vandal Festival that we went to hear soimo
time ago, but I don't correctly remember. All the tropics of the
day you are well up in of course, so I need not tell you about the
wicket conflicts and their tickles-of-leave, the disturbance which the
Protestant Oranges made about some ribands, or the state marriage
of PRINCESS MAY REAPPEAR; it is a strange name, but she's a daughter
of VIGOUl ENAMEL, the "Ray-gal-and-tommy," ps the Ilalians call
him. I must leave off, as it's my husband's time for putting on his
hot-water bandage. So for the present, adieu !-I remain, your affec-
tionate sister, MARY ANNE HODUKINSON.

CLAssICAL CN.--What is the difference between the Times and its
principal article ?-Why, one is the Jupiter, and the other is the Leda.
IF a woman neglects her husband's shirt-front, is she the wife of
his bosom ?
ROGUE ET NOIR.-LINCOLN and the blacks.

VOL. il.

~~-~~-- .--.


II~-- -

32 Fl

S our time here expired on Wednes-
t'-. davy, dear Mr. Editor, we left
D' iulogne that night for London.
SAnd here let me remark that if,
When I quitted London a couple of
.- h ,; months ago, I had hoad the remotest
S' ,lea that I should be reduced to
--he cruel necessity of returning
i. without EDWIN, I should never for
S' -e moment have thought of en-
S '' caumbering myself with fifteenaclk-
'~ / yJ'. ": cs. Poor dear mamma, who
S-' mii ides herself on being one of the
_. 4 ". H ', re,'g best managers under the sun,
S-.q kindly offered to take the whole
?'- r-, responsibility of the travelling
S1-, ,. ,- ? arrangements,includingthebother-
S ., '. ing servant's luggage, which is
,-',- .' _- i always coming undone everywhere
S-': but at the Custom House, where it
--. a- s to be broken open. I need
not tell you, dear Mr. Editor, that,
S .. ,"I hating bother as I do, I jumped at
(' dear mamma's kind offer, and
iv ing her the keys and my purse,
S told hler to do whatever she liked.
So she began by taking places by
.I,', ri a .. oi the score of economy. I knew nothing of this
]; il we i v'-:r'o on board, or I can assure you that dear mamma would
have gone to London without me. Then we found that all the berths
were occupied, because dear mamma wouldn't goon board until the very
last moment, so we were obliged to pass a most wretched night on the
top of somo fruit baskets with angular lids. Well, after fearful voyage,
we arrived at Gravesend, and the boat stopped to let the Custom
lonuse people come on board. At this point, dear mamma (who had
been exceedingly fussy all along) suddenly disappeared, leaving me to
combat the great, rough tide-lander (or whatever you call him) all
alone. Well, after a rare hunt, and with the unwilling assistance of
11OlACE and VI niL (who had to be tempted out of the engine-room
with shillings), we managed to get the boxes together, and then
manmma sent up tho keys by the stewardess, saying that she really
i'lt too ip well to attend the examination in person. Well, my boxes,
of course, were all right. PERKINis had seen to everything, and they
presented a most creditable O(aparancC. Poor dear mamma's were,
perhaps, ino all that could be wished. She is a splendid manager,
:iud lhr apparel proved it. But, oh i r. Editor, when HORACE and
Viilti's box was opened, and the following articles were extracted one
by one, and held up to the gaze of a crowd of passengers, after the manner
ofnM. lloisx, I thought I should have dropped. This is, as nearly as
I can remember, an inventory of its contents:-
A coit, and iin insufficient quantity Two pairs of boots.
of linen. Twelve numbers of a thrilling ro-
A smilll toy fishing lnnt. mance.
A Inch of deep-sea hooks, with bits Some whin-cord.
of hait still itacheld. Some apples.
A eonoi-hooI). A photograph of a young lady of
oein- piUlluis. thirty-five whmlom TVInGIL adores.
A conml)i i al half. A fishing-bag with a highly unplea-
A rcop y I'rsx.an snt smell.
A. paintl-hox. A pound of jujibes.
A pot of runrant .l11y (broken). Some blue fire (which had got into
A hair-brusli, inot clein--in fact, the currant- olly).
diery. Some ginger-beer powders, and
Tlie shvnri-pot in which the poor A cannon.
periwiniikles sullflred.
Well, we arrived without further mishap at London-bridge. I
dropped dear mammar and the two disgusting boys at Bloomsbury-
eq inre, and arrived at five o'clock in the evening at Palace Gardens.
Enw with a consideration and thoughtfulness I scarcely looked for,
had prepared a most refreshing stiff tea for me, and glad enough I
was to get to bed and dream that I was the Great Eastern in a gale,
I do assure yon.
I haven't lnd ani opportunity of complimenting 1M. Enwil, on his
disgrarcfvl behav'io!r, but depend upon it that he won't hear the last
of it for Coodness gracious only knows how long.-Your sincere friend,
Kensiingon Palace Garilens. (And uncomnmoil glad I am to be
there again.-A.B.

TI' 1? orol or Ti.\li.-Noblemen, when dunned for their bills.

[OCTOBER 11, 1862.

ELr.-In fairy mythology, a diminutive supernatural being, full of
fun and mischief, supposed to inhabit unfrequented places, and in
habit of affecting mankind in various ways. Plenty of fairy tales will
be remembered as relating the pranks of the elfin fraternity, whilst
plenty of hairy tails, or elf-locks, will be recalled as their distinguish.
ing characteristic, when introduced on the stage. Elves generally
appear about theatres at Christmas, and might be conjectured the
offspring of those connected with the establishment, as each box.
keeper is peculiarly anxious to impress upon the public at that period
that, besides what has already been paid elsewhere, he expects some-
thing for his-elf." This has been very properly stopped by many
managers who have a natural antipathy to unfrequented places which
are generally affected by this elfish practice.
EMIGRA.TION.-Leaving one country in which we have some difficulty
in getting a living, to reside in another where we hope to find less;
those who, in the distribution of the chances of life, find any small,
are those whom we generally find emigrate. When it is discovered
that a little money will not go a great way here, the emigrant tries
to make it go further by taking it to the other side of the world.
The two ships which carry most emigrants to the colonies are friend-
ship and hard-ship. There are other reasons, however, that some-
times induce people to remove, and when a person has an account that
he cannot settle at home, he often goes away on that account, and settles
himself abroad. One great difficulty attending all kinds of emigration
is keeping the two sexes thus exported at -anything near an equality.
Some laudable efforts have been lately made to render the misses
equal to the misters, and enable those females who have no fireside
circle in this country to hem-a-grate elsewhere, but whether Miss lRYE
will be found equal to the mystery that belongs to this question, has
yet to be seen. The lady has, however, certainly carried out her views
of colonizing New Zealand with wonderful new zeal and energy.
END.-The extreme point of a line, and to get a line with a point is
the end for which we sometimes go to an extreme. The object we
should ever have in view is the happiness of our fellow-creatures, and
the promotion of this should be everybody's end ever.
ETIQUETTE.-Originally, this signified a little piece of paper or a
"ticket," affixed to a bag in indication of its contents. In present
usage it refers to forms of ceremony, or decorum, and the popular
exclamation, "that's the ticket," is merely a phraseological corrup-
tion, showing that the etiquette of the occasion had been duly
observed by the person to whom the compliment was applied. Rules
how to behave in good society are laid down in various works, which
the reader may take up at leisure, but there is no rule which will
enable him properly to draw the line under all circumstances. On
meeting a lady that you don't know, it is usual to step gracefully
aside and let her pass. On being asked to take wine, the best thing
you can do is to take it, and be glad you have had the opportunity.
When you are introduced to a stranger, it is etiquette to remark that
it is either a fine or a wet day, as the case may be. To throw a
catherine-wheel on entering the ball-room, and then make faces at
the company, would show that you are not accustomed to the usages
of polite society, and however warm you may feel at the opera, it is
not expected that you will take off your coat and sit in your shirt
sleeves, notwithstanding the non-observance recently permitted of the
restrictions of evening dress.
EVENING.-The latter part of the day, usually found to form a
pleasant portion of it. Properly it commences at the setting of the sun,
and continues through the twilight till night begins with its uncertain
gloom. The dusky veil that descends on the earth when the sun has
set, has been poetically associated with the clothes of day. When the
rosy light in the west fades away into an umber, it would be odd if we
did not then recognize it as even.

SPITE of victories gained,
And successes obtained,

Which have turned out all bunkum and vapour;
In our tribulation
We've this consolation,
That the rebels are conquered-on paper.

ASK MR. WIS'DHAM.-MIay the passengers in a railway carriage be
said to be at the "tender mercy of the engine-driver ?


OCTOBER 11, 1862.]


1l _______________________

FOR some years back, MR. W~ILLAx BARLOW has not come promi-
nently before the public. In point of fact, it has been entirely out of his
power to do so. The harsh jurisprudence of our country viewed
one of his playful indiscretions (he had garotted a curate) as an act
of robbery attended by violence; and he was provided with board and
lodging amidst the wild and romantic scenery of Dartmoor. Being
what the law describes as an old offender, he took care that his prison
conduct should be unexceptionable; great interest was taken in his
spiritual welfare, and he obtained a ticket-of-leave. He called at our
office not long ago. Wishing to be rid of him, we flung him a few
coppers, and told him to go to the Dartmoor Prison. It will be
seen that he has construed this into an appointment on our staff!
His habits of literary composition are intermittent and irregular. It
is impossible to say whether we shall ever hear from him again. In
the meanwhile, the publication of the following ballad may serve to
warn the British public that he is again at large :-
Oh! ladies and gentlemen, how do you do ?
I still come before you-one boot and one shoe;
Peg-tops, patent-leathers may come and may go,
But simplicity's self is the garb of BAlow !
Oh! dear! Raggedy, oh!
Are the garments pertaining to WILLIAM BARIow !
Have you wondered, perchance, not to meet me before ?
I was safely looked up in the gaol of Dartmoor!
Five years out of seven I served, you must know,
"Very good," was the chaplain's report of BA.iow !*
Oh! dear! Liberty, oh!
With a ticket-of-leave, was bestowed on BARLOW!
To London I came, where I strove very hard,
My living to get as a popular bard;
My talents were high, but the prices were low,
That the publishers offered to WILLIAM BARLOW t
Oh! dear! Poverty, oh !
Seems the normal condition of MR. BARLOW !
Whilst seeking about for some honest employ,
I happened to meet with a publisher's boy ;
Says he, "Look at FUN, which it's now all the go!
They'd be glad of some copy from WILLIAM BARLOW $
Oh dear Hilarity, oh !
Is sure to be caused by the songs of BARLOW !"
Now, betwixt and between us, my natural vein
Is rather more apt for a loftier strain;
An epic in twenty-four books best would show
The gigantic acquirements of WILLIAM BARLOW!
Oh! dear! Tragedy, oh!
Is likewise adapted to MR. BARLow!
Still, satirical writing was practised by POPE,
And therefore may even to BARLOW give scope;
I would level my satire at high and at low,
Well acquainted with both is the poet BARLOW !
Oh! dear! Society, oh !
Is entirely familiar to BILLY BARLOW !
Having made up my mind, at a quarter to one
Last Tuesday, I called at the office of FUN ;
Said the Editor, Sir, I'm delighted, I vow,
To secure the assistance of WILLIAM BARLOW
Oh! dear! Novelty, oh!
Is sure to accompany WILLIAM BARLOW !"
Most politely he gave me a cheque in advance, I
With which I determined to ramble to Franco!
For copy he pressed; but true genius is slow ;
Foreign travel's required for the mind of BARLOW !
Oh dear Sipping Bor-deaux
Outside of.a cafr is WILLIAM BARLOW ![

He must have been easily deceived.
t We should think so!
SMR. BARLOW's friend is entirely in error
This statement is utterly false.
I So is this.
I In that case, we pity the proprietor; but, although Ms. B. represents him-
self as now in Paris, his envelope bears the postmark of Whitechapel.

WE wonder that, in theso days of limited liablliity eci'lui;ies, 110
company has been started for the supply of grunnimir, Eilisll, and
colnmon senso to the advertising world for a small pI'rocilag:o on lthe
extra profit gained by the better-worded notices. lero is a ease iin
Just published,
VERY WOMAN'S BOOK; showing how to live Ind cni.v sound, vifgovIu
health on at Variety o d'ict, IhilIlai'- ... .. . ...I .
in quality, at all expoluse of Ics ihnll ,t 1 i .i., .1 1
make 28ib. of the best bread from 1 lb. of Ilollr; how ito bre thll' llosl I.. iln I
porter at 5d. per gallon, without the usual ntecnsils; l1oI tIo ,ll c II uls .Is ,i
shoes last twice tle usOll time with More rconfort to ithe wi.Crl, Lanid lilen l :,
prevent corns ; also how to becoli rich, etc.
Of course, not only er womn but every man iwoull load thl adver-
tiser with stamps if hobe did not let the cat out of the bagin tlho last linut:.
What use is the secret of beiug able to havo "a variety of dict anoin-
dant in quantity, and beautiful and delicious in qunlit" so clicei ; el'
a plan for making 1-l4b. of flour into 281b. of bread; of a receipt fur
brewing the best London porter at fivepence a gallon; or lof pr.-
venting boots from wearing out, to people whose income is nlot limitcid
If the author will be good enough simply to show us how to beonm,
rich," we will excuse him front enumerating all those little artilfice.
and expedients of poverty. A man whoso foolishly weakens Iis on\\
chance of obtaining stamps, is not likely to show other polpll teo wIay
to wealth. Such short-sightedness calls loudly for somie sull comi-
pany as we propose. It is only equalled by that of the' qluirk ldoilr,
who daily advertises some nostrumn of his in a paragraph headed "T ''til
prostration of health restored in a few days."

A PORTSMOUTH correspondent encloses us a handbill, which we
"The effect of-'s Restorativo Hair Crenm is so nssonishing, that since its lrst
introduction no leas than 5liSY
S operativewig-nmakersliitive loeCiI
thrustoutofemploy,andiiiren low
bogging their braid throughout
every town in Hecr Majosty'is
r W "dominions. By its Ise a it 111
he1id of Ihalir Is glliarlllltlle i
S lltree umothlis inl a itlf.l I 'ric ,
.f ,I'1 ,' Ols., la. .id.. 12s.fld. (id. !oldl ,i" i y
Sievery respcclable Chemlnulil : j
ilo'orfluner in thell United I King-,
'- 'I 1-- Road, LanIIdporl,.
"The above is a faithful portrait ifl' Llt iT. I'-, Terrincl', sllthot (ly
permission), conlveying atI onco an exii ct, idea of 1th11 ]p)rl'llliInt rl' Ilnls Inill tili'
extraordinarily recovery of his Iir l I)y the use of --'s HItetHorative l ailr ('rIoIl,
after the short space of nino weeks."
The scarcity of cotton among the weavers is hardly less dlisastroIII
than the prevalence of wool appears to be to thl wig-imakers, riniidered
inoperative. Who knows but that by this timn tlie 5851h or tSfl6t
victim has not been thrust out by a pot of pomatum IVW siiprc:tl
the name of the gentleman whose portrait is given ifr obvious rIaison :
as he could not satisfactorily account for the way in which so nm:1i
hairs came into his possession, be would become amenable to thI'
penalties of the new Poaching Act. But we would call atltntion ii
the two likenesses, which may be called respectively, "the lost heir,'
and "the heir apparent." For the wrinkles in the former there Uar
two explanations. They may be those to which lie was put, p lby
the friend advising him to try the cream, or they may have bc'.n
caused by sorrow for the loss of his hair, and removed by the nIw
crop, that (like the tail of the little dog, whose hind-legs were alwnh .
off the ground) curled so tightly that it took them out of his fobruliad.
If we believed the bill, we would give the address it contains in ordlerl
to benefit the bald; but we observe that it is stated that not, only "the
extraordinary recovery" of the hair of the Lieutenant of Souhscin,
by permission," but also the premature loRs of it was caIusel i,
the use of the Restorative Hair Cream. We believe one result to
be just as probable and truthful as the other.

WHAT is the difference between a man longing for a pineapple, niln
one longing for a glass of sherry P-The one is whining after a pin",
and the other is pining after the wine.
EVIDENT ENou(ul.-The five hundred Irish who, two Sundta;i
back, created such a disturbance in Iyde Park, proved themselves to)
belong to a Pat-riot-ic race.
A Goon GUESS AT A TAILOR'S NAME.-Mr. So-and-l-o.


F34 '. [OCTOBER 11, 1862.
34 F ______ L-%



governments and institutions and creeds. The world is full of us.
No. 30.-BY THuE I-T H--N. B-NJ--M-N D-SR-LI. Politics, myself, the ROTHSCHILDS, NEWDEGATE, and SPOONER ? In
"Tusir! 'tis but a dream!" said the raptured RACHAEL. CCAMBRIDGE? Wait! To be tardy is to be triumphant. I have
A mellow light from massive purple hangings fell upon the luxu- twenty millions deposited under an earthern pot in a low house in
riotc sofa of the soft zenana. Through the beaded and latticed the Ghetto. I have thirty in Bevis Marks in London. Money
win l)ws, the Sun o- the East (that Asian Mystery!) shone with rules the world. The Sibylline books of the future will be-Bankers'
a tempered lustro. The servitors puffed away at their amber-tipped Books!
Iarguilchs; some of the women of the Harem were busily engaged in Speak on, golden-tongued one !" cried the enraptured RACHAEL,
devouring Rahat-La1koum; RACHAEL alono-the dark-haired Hebrew fascinated by the orator's eloquence.
maiden whom the Sultan loved so well, but loved in vain-pensively He pursued the theme. "I say that money rules the world. You
reclined upon voluptuous cushions, absorbed in the perusal of her read in the papers-or you would, if you ever saw them-that Prussia
favourite romance ('twas Coningsby !), and yet feverishly awaiting is about to enter the Zollverein. I tell you that I won't allow Prussia
the appearance of its author. to do anything of the kind! Not a silver groschen does Prussia have
"'Tis but a dream!" she cried; but the tone of her voice belied except upon my own terms. Statesmen, warriors, prelates ?-Bah!
the words she uttered. Trembling like a young gazelle (which she They are puppets, RACHAEL; and just three men in Europe hold the
had never loved, or trained it with its dark blue eye), she heard the strings. ROTHSCHILD is one, and I am another. Power, influence,
familiar accents of the mighty novelist. Strangely indeed was he authority-to sway a nation from a counting-house and to dictate
disguised. A turban round his head, an ample caftan falling o'er legislation from a ledger-this is what I love! This is what I do."
his shoulders-how little the stranger retained of his Occidental The mighty orator seemed inspired. His head, which had at first
aspect! When, with his curls hanging down over his thoughtful brow been drooping, was now raised proudly; his eyes, which had seemed
-his hat compressed upon his fbrehead-he thundered invectives languid, now flashed fire; his voice rang like a clarion as he spoke of
against the imbecility of a P--I.-RST-N, or hinted inuendoes against the power of his people.
the fatuity of a S-R Cu-s W-D! And yet, 'twas he! It was "Ambition, RACIAEL-they say I am ambitious. Absurd! I can
the brilliant orator, the sound and solid statesman; it was, in a word, rise no higher. With two other men I rule the world. Myself and
As RACHAEL gazed fondly at the illustrious ornament of her race, But who," asked Rachael, "is the Third ? "
he broke silence. "Our opportunity will come," said he. We can The Third," replied BENJAMIN DIGITALIS, is the EDITOR or
wait. Our race has waited for centuries-outlasting a hundred FuN!"

SOCTOBER 11, 1862,]



To Westminster a member came,
Of the Liberals a supporter,
And.he was returned to Westminster,
From the other side of the water.
His father, Don said, had smelted lead,
Somewhere down and about that quarter;
But the gentlefolks all they took off their hats
To, the Crcesus from over the water.
With a do, etc.
Now the Lambeth folks this wealthy gent,
As their member did decide on,
'Cos they thought he'd set fire to the river Thames,
What the penny steamers ride on.
But little they knew he'd happened to do
Some things that he didn't oughter--
For he'd forged a will and several deeds,
Had this member from over the water.,
With a do, etc.
But he cut such a dash and spent his cash,
That his means ran quickly shorter;
So at last one day he'd to run away,
T'other side of the Biscay water.
But' soon from Spain he returned again,
Like a "regular ring-tailed snorter,"
For his family's good to confess his crimes,
And get sent t'other side of the water.
With a do, etc.
The confession he made in Guildford town:
'Twas took down by a sharp reporter;
Tried for forgeree at the C. C. C.,
Was this rogue of the very first water.
To begin with, indeed, he refused to plead,
But he changed his game soon arter;
And he didn't come out with lilywhite hands
From the business done over the water.
With a do, etc.
Now, when JUSTICE BYLES bad heard what he said,
His eyes ran down with water;
But he gave him transportation for life,
So he didn't show him much quarter.
And the public said, "Well! this here ROUPELL
Has got no more than he oughter!"
So there was an end of the wealthy gent,.
As was member for over the water,
And a do, etc.

THAT the human mind is capable of conceiving whatever exists, is a
philosophical truism, but that the inhabitants of Islington can believe
in Sadler's Wells opening for the winter season without a revival of
some Shakspearian play, and the reappearance of familiar fites in
the company, it is difficult to imagine. "It must be nearly eighteen
years ago," as the gentleman in the gray wig and the buff boot s used to
observe in the old melodrama, since MEssas. PlsLP's and G sRENN'Woo
first planted here the standard of legitimacy. Every succeeding
September, when the leaves on the old elms about its portals began
to turn brown, eager playgoers would watch for the arrival of lat .'sns.
PHELPS and HENRY MARSTON, and look wistfully towards the doors Ifo
the announcement of the play in which they were to welcome their
especial favourites. The old elmswere levelled to the earth, but faith
in the establishment was yet unshaken, and SIIAKSPEARE was still the
retained author. At last, the New River, which had so long reflected
in its rippling surface the old walls that had once echoed with the
laughter created by GRIMALDI, came to be covered in, and graybeards
and grandames who had stood upon its banks in their youthflil days
and pinafores, fishing with string and pin-hook, shook their beads
ominously, and foretold that evil would come of it. The C'ssanidrnis
of Clerkenwell have lived to see their prophecies fulfilled. When the
New River was packed away in pipes, and transmitted underground,
the glories of legitimacy departed. First of all, the astute acting-
manager, MR. GREENWOOD, foresaw the effect of the advances of the
pickaxe and plumber, and retired. Then for another season ln.
PHELPs desperately fought the battle of the legitimate alone; but at
last lie, too, gave way, and with him closed the reign of the Shaks-
pearian monarchs. The managerial sceptre is now wielded by the
lady who carried the last summer season pleasantly through, though
with nothing ex-cept her to attract attention. With Miss CATtIIFrt
LUCETTE is associated, of course, Mu. MorTON PRicE, whorF TiDThic'ial
Trip for a Wager has naturally made him abettor of whatever designs
the lady may have in view. Under this rule it would seem unlikely
that more than three acts will be passed during the season. Clouds
and Sunshine, which inaugurated their campaign, is the old title of
a new drama by MR. ADOLPIE FAUCQUEZ, who has hitherto been
chiefly called upon to consult the tastes of a Victoria gallery, whoso
chief demand is that their feelings shall be harrowed and the motors
"speak up loud." The incidents are of the same class as those which
on the other side the water have so often done good service, btl; they
are put together with moro constructive skill. Some curious phrases
in the dialogue would seem to indicate the language, if not the plot,
might be traced to a foreign source. The young artist who, in the
second act, belabours his breast as he reflects on the impediments in
the path to fame, with Ah! I have always had a soul above haggling
for means," certainly takes a singular mode of expressing his senti-
ments. The costumes carry us back to the time of G(,oti.; Ill., bit,
allusions to the present day are plentiful. One personago observes
he will "take a turn down Regent-street," an observation requiring a
telescope instead of a quadrant; and the police and the detective aro
frequently referred to in the time of the old Bow-street runners. illt.
LEWIS BALL has the merit of making his character the most offlctive
in the piece, putting in some dexterous touches with the hand of a
skilful artist, and worthily upholding the reputation lie won as a
genuine comedian under the previous direction. There is Iin. E. F.
EDOAR, the energetic; Mnl. hIENRY FOHIESTERI, the carefully; M11. W.
H. STEPIIENS, whose face would supply any photographer with a
striking likeness of the JoE MUNDEN of the days of our torethtllcr's;
iMR. A. MONTAGUE, the substantial; M. C s HARLESCnooK, the comical;
Miss EMILY DowTON, the lively; and Miss Soi,'IrA MILES, the interest-
ing, all included in the cast. All these are commendable, but there
are twosmall parts played with singular truthfulness; the merchant's
son, aged seven, by Miss M. BALL, an intelligent little girl, whoi may
be already spoken of as a rising young actress, and a detective named
Wormlcy, who is represented by a Ma. REGAN in such a natural
manner, that any guilty person sitting at the play must have trembled
at his entrance, shivered under the glance of his eye, and thought of
nothing but the Central Criminal Court the whole evening.
In the duo-dramatic sketch of Double Courtship, the fair and pretty
singer, Miss LUCETTE, and the pretty-fair singer, MR. MoRTON :t'ICE,
meet each other in what appears to be really an elegant drawing-room,
and assume disguises so quickly that a wonderful wardrobe, apparently
kept in the outer balcony, is put into constant requisition. Besides
some pretty ballads here introduced, there is some vocalization where
least expected. Early in the evening the gentlemen of the orchestra
perform selections from the opera of the Trovatore, singing to their
own accompaniment in an economical manner, which must tempt the
proprietor of the Myddelton Hall, close by, to rush over and secure
them for the rival establishment, and thus save half the amount of
his salary list. THE ODD MAN.

S7 1

_ _I 1 ___

I ~I

OCTOBER 11, 1862. I

38 F -T -U-.


"I1 sea-grotto per esser felice."

New Constcllation.-Hebe blow'd.
For private reasons, Jupiter has assumed a Jove-ial expression for
this month.
Saturn announces Scenes in the circle."
Disco cry.-Castor has discovered his brother to be a sister, whose
real name is Pol-Lux. After cheerfully observing, "Pol-Luck's
everything," he Cast her off for ever.
Harvest-time in Capri-corn.
Cyder Sellers asks if it rains apples in Pomerania?-Yes.
Ever since Michaelmas day, Mars has been practising the goose-step.

5 5 GLAUcus," and several professors of muscular Chris-
tianity, visit Brighton and turn mussel men.
6 M Review of Omnibuses. Grand military movements.
'Busses lie in wait for one another in am-bus-cade.
7 Tu Migration of residents of Summer's Town for the winter.
8 IV HeIbdomadal appearance of the great FuN-omenon of the
9 Ti Exciting game between old East Indians, at yellow jaun-
10 F Second day of the above sports.-Making bungles in a
11 S Third day of the same.-Na-bob for cherries.-Race for
one rupee, and old gentlemen feel very roopee after it.

Burrs are proverbial for sticking; shame 'em out of the habit by
pointing to the veins of a leaf, and saying, Fie-burr."
Sporting gentlemen should now cultivate their "pinks" for the
With a view to improving the moral and physical condition of our
sons of Mars-by which title we do not mean every man Jack of us,
but simply the military profession-we laid the following gardening
arrangements before the very eyes and under the very noses of a self-
constituted martial and horticultural committee, who promised to give
it their very best attention.
Our hearts burned within us on seeing our regiments of the line
employing themselves'in hanging out clothes, and the cavalry soldier
studiously tending his clothes-horse. There was better work for

them than this, uniting labour and recreation with profit. This is the
scheme which we nobly submitted to the gallant but routine-ridden
officers in committee, viz.:-
The soldiers must dig four deep.
In making a gate to their little gardens, they should be required to
work economically with a single file.
Let it be the duty of the drummer to roll the grass every morning.
Dress.-Soldiers, to avoid dirtying their uniforms, must always
"dress up" before gardening.
They must never make a mess on the grass. (This rule would not
apply to the officers.)
The guards, by working in their bearskins, would give the ground a
fur-tile appearance.
Flowers, etc.-Cultivate ten drills every day.
The best military soil is pipe-clay and a little bullet mould.
After work, soldiers will rest in their napsacks, where they will also
deposit their sleepy pears.
Foot soldiers will do well to plant fields of young or infant rye.
The cavalry must take their scythes and practise sward exercise.
The best tillers should be the Royal Art-till-ery.
Armed with a rifle, any keen-eyed soldier may (with general per-
mission) pot the flower of the regiment. We advise him to make a
cutting of it afterwards.
Instead of firing at the butts, riflemen will attend to their shoots.
The soldiers, to prevent the attacks of birds, should cover their
fruit trees with bayo-nets.
The pioneers must cultivate cherries, and by giving them in pastry
to their comrades, will be beloved as cherry pie-oneers.
In the kitchen garden, the veterans can fight the battle of mustard
and cressy over again.
On every garden day (which is henceforth supposed to have sup-
planted the field day) let the soldiers plant am-bushes.
The regimental stock will make a pretty cutting.
The British soldiers, in order to keep up the happy union existing
between the two nations, should every evening be called upon to sing
Partant pour la Syrie," in honour of the French beans. On return-
Sing to camp, the songsters should drink the in-tent cordial.
Riflemen might look after other soldiers' greens; when asked if
they had taken them, they might lie in their own trenches.
Scarlet runners should be cultivated; these would remind the
soldier of what he ought not to do when he sees an enemy.
Let the military give their attention to all sorts of vegetables, and
then among other good things they will learn to appreciate the
blessings of peas.

Stingy.-Wrong. A hornet man's the noblest work of creation," is
not the correct quotation.
Slugg.-He who catches gnats in his garden is a gnaturalist. We
can't say more than that.
Beesom.-For the best bees, visit St. Hives. Bees do not, as a rule,
drive about the garden in their own buzzes.
Jones.-You've just written to us in time. Goodness gracious!
make haste, run round your garden, root up everything; you've
sown them all wrong. Hit your gardener on the head, sow him up.
Tear up the path-at full speed. Tear down a wall if on the top.
Grow potatoes and winter cabbages. Winter immediately, and
write to us by return of post, to say how you're getting on.
De Smsth.-Melons will not thrive in Cursitor-street, not requiring a
shady place.

ALTHOUGH DuZndreary "on the stage,"
Continues, justly, still the rage;
Yet "on the page" my Lord Dundreary
Is vapid, difficult, and weary.
Though on the boards he is encored,
Don't thrust him, printed, on the bored.

A SETTLER FOR Him.-The correct answer to the gentleman who
wrote the song," Why did I marry ? most likely would be, "Because
your wife was foolish!"
WE won't say anything about the Underground Railway, as it is
beneath our observation at present.

--~-------- -I


OCTOBER 11, 18SG2.] Fi T T.

THE GREAT GOG-M1AGOG STEEPLE CHASE. No. S.-lI111iT 10N. Si ioRI.i I' ',, lit.r.
StE REOrv' PEIii., ihc son of one of 1'i>hland's -.renites stiatesinen,
.EAR Fux,-Such a grand steeple- cannot be called a mirei- reproduction of his father. lie inhrits the
chase! lather! Beats the Irish presentation of his Tamworth, but not of his worth without tli
one, of which we heard so much, Tam. Nevertheless he is clever, jolly, and good-looking; posi-sesse
into fits. Slightly! Itwas a ten- ample means, a good disposition, and :an unending suirression I t'
mile course, and laid out thus:- camellias in his button-hole, lie is elective as a speaker, wears his
First obstacle, a hedge six feet hat on one side, and carries an oak-sapling, which, were a shilhl:ih a
SJ higih, surmounted by a post and qualification for the Irish Sccretarship, would place hii claim to tlh:
rails. It was subsequently termed, oilice beyond a doubt.
S payfully, the Mourning Post," ie was born in Llond, and educated at Harrow, whore 1h 'onr!un I
in consequence of so many of thie i. 1, ,rrogaii demeanour. lie isnot blest with pal i-nc. 'I i
T r riders having gone' muckers" at i |...,. says lie has no valour-and it. is quite certain a it Has
lhis point. The second obstacle, that h has not possession of "the better part of il." For alntLhgh
About five feet from the former, he came of age in 1813, he did not then arrive at years of discrelion
-. was composed of hurdles (after- -nor has hl done so since. Why, therefore, lhe selected diplomacy
l wards used in carrying the jockeys as his study is not very evident, hough sonio say it was selected fior
home) placed perpendicularly one hinm to get him out of the way. If so, his appointLmnllt, inl 18 11, as
---g- B -- above another until they reached attached to tle British Embassy in Slain was on the iprincille of a
S an altitude of about eighteen feet. good (Mad)riddance of bad rubbish." In 18.1. lie was nmleh S cere-
This was called the "Facer." tary of the British Legation in Switzerland, in which land of tle
The next was a small shallow ditch, with false sides and bottoms, the Tell tale he perhaps acquired his habit of blurting out wlhtever lie
former offering no resistance to the horses' hoofs, the latter giving to sees, hears, or thinks, regardless of consequences. In 1856 he went
every kick, and gradually swallowing up both horse and rider like a rushing off to thle lussian Court as secretary to the special mii4sionl
quicksand. The effect was very pretty; it was called a Cinque sent to St. Petersburg for tie Enllcror's coronation. OnI his return
Port." The fourth obstacle was of a peculiarly interesting character he gave such a description of his travels as got hin into hot water as
in a literary point of view. It was a fine old gate brought from effectually as if lie hadl fallen into one of the Russian vapour, baths.
Westmoreland, whereon many of the poetical clique who there reside In fact, lie got into such a scrape, people thought that, like hFANK
had once sat; it was in consequence called the Five Bard Gate." STONE'S picture, it was "the last o' I'el." But lie mnianged to getl
It was fancifully decoratedwith tall iron spikes, of which, though very over this, and even a more injudicious attack on the Voluntoers.
sharp, one did not at first see the point. However, on seeing the Eminently laughable-and even in parts not unjust-as this speech
bravest rider paling before this leap, we began to see what a sporting was, it drew an immense storm of indignation on his head. Tho
affair it was. JOE SPURRIUT, that was his name, had stuck at nothing infuriated citizen-soldiers wrote letters to the papers so voluminous
before this, but he did here, and his absurd situation afforded to all and frequent, that it seemed as if each volunteer had been turned
the lovers of the sport (who were looking on from an eminence) an into the three pressmen, to whom ho is considered, proverbially, equal.
opportunity for calling JoE an "Az-stick." Rather good that, eh? In 1855 Sil ROBERT's qualities as a yachtsman procured him one of
About the middle of the course there was a yawning chasm; I suppose the Admiralty Lordships. His highest promotion was reserved for
the sleepy nature of this leap exercised some morphine influence on 1861, when ho was made Chief Secretary for Ireland.
the riders who attempted the jump, as they were all carried to bed Hlibernis ipsis Iibernior," it was thought ie would fall in pat with
soon after they had fallen into it. The racing was very line up to the the Irish. It was prophesied tliat lie would kick the first deptlation
first fence, after this the running was poor. The committee of the that waited on him down stairs, but although lie did not do this, hl
Hospital for Voluntary Contributions requested me to give away the pretty soon created a political Donnybrook. Immediately on his
purse of sovereigns to the winner, and a gold cup to the second horse, appointment he went, not sumiimn, diliieitia," but on top of a low-
In great state I waited at the winning-post for the arrival of the suc- backed car, a three days' progress round the island. The trip is ro-
cessful candidates, but as no one came, I returned to town with as corded in the tripping measure of a song called after the vehicle,
much speed as possible. Don't tell any one my address, and you'll wherein occurs the followingpassage:-
oblige, yours ever, Ton TnoT. "With Arcimrisiiorl (ni.re.N i.crow lit was pullin'
As he sitl in the low-blsiod car I"
When Parliament mot, there was an attempt to got up a cry of Irish
THE ASS OF OCNUS. famine, when IMAGURE and THE O'DONOGIIUE vented a lot of flatulent
A POLITICAL PARALLEL OF 1862. oratory, perhaps to try and prove they were speaking on empty
stomachs. But Sir R('I1EIRT told a different story of the state of
ONCE on a time, ere Rome was built, or Pro NONo thought of, Ireland, and that in such a pugnacious manner, that both the Irish.
A rustic lived, called OcNus--a man most folks know nought of; men wanted at once to tread on the lalc and have a fight. Wo may
Poor wretch! it seems, when here on earth, he did as other men did, remark, en passant, that THE O'DoNo;IIUE is a bad translation of DON
Yet some capricious deities he mortally offended. QUIXOTE into inferior Irish, and that 3AGUIRtE would be a Dungavan
Whate'er he did, on that same point reserved is ancient history; Demosthenes, if boisterous vulgarity could be got to pass for refined
You're left to guess-work-so 'twere vain to boggle o'er a mystery; eloquence.
They packed him off at last to -, no, I won't say that-to Hades; With THE O'DONOGHIUE, SIRn OBERT contrived to have a pretty little
And here begins my parallel, kind gentlemen and ladies, quarrel, by designating him by implication as a "mannikin traitor"-
an observation which the o" mannikin" took up with all the ferocity
In Hades, OCNUS is condemned-perhaps to keep his hand in, which characterizes the dwarf-even in intellect. A duel was on the
To weave eternal ropes of hay, while close behind him standing, cards, whicl were exchanged, but PAM trumped the trick, and so
A donkey waits-and as he makes his ropes, this donkey clever, MAJlO GAVIN gave in.
Keeps eating them, and so the task drags slowly on for ever. But although SIR BRoERT did not go out" then, he will, we link,
In eighteen hundred sity-t in om it's much same no have to go out next session if lie wishes to save the Ministry from
ithn tighten hundred sixty-two in Rome it's much the same now, going out. For lie is certainly most unpopular where he is-lie neither
With modern variations in each actors or and name now pleases t pigs or th murphies, and is not considered potato 'I..
The jest, if personal, is true. "Absurd! I answer, "Oh no, or Orange Err.. He is certainly not the peal destined to ring in peace
Poo Italy is O and the donkey 's-Pi Nand prosperity for the Irish, to whose sympathies iho does not appeal
Poor Italy's still struggling on to free herself from slavery, in any way. In real truth, the only reason that can be given for his
From brigandage, from BOURBON plots, from pitiful French knavery; appointment to the secretaryship is an Irish ono-namely, because lo
She works in vain-all's labour lost, whatever lot betide her, has no business there.
While donkey-pardon, POPE, I meant-to mar all, stands beside Butwo must not dismiss him without a well-merited eulogy on his
her. defence of Switzerland in the affair of Savoy and Nice. For that
cause he fought as boldly as ever did mercenary Swiss of thli middle
ages-but from a purer motive. In place lie is out of place-at all events
DID you ever see a tie" run off ?-No; but I've seen a collar limp. when in place for J roland, which is not likely to bo satisfied with any
THE MAN OF DECE.MER."-Jack Frost. PEEL except Re-lpetl.

40 F [U11-T. [OCTOBER 11, 1862.

a : o 'r


Coster (to Servant Girl):-"D'YER WANT ANY AIRLINE PLUMS?"
Servant (politely):--" No, THANK YOU; NOT TO-DAY, SIR."
A_ f- ______

Air-" Beautiful Star."
MY duty's to sweep the chimney, ma'am,
Early calling, here I am!
Into the fireplace soon I'll creep,
Giving the flue a beautiful sweep-
Beautiful swee-eep!
Beautiful swee-ecp!
Giving the flue a beautiful, beautiful sweep!
Neatly my work I'll execute,
Make no mess, though I'm sure to soot,
For those who employ me once, will keep
Coming to me for a beautiful sweep-
Beautiful swee-eep etc.
Send for me, then, and I'll be sure
To come like a punctual ramoneur,
At dawning of morn, while you're asleep,
Giving your chimneys a beautiful sweep-
Beautiful swee-eep! etc.

TRUE TO THEIR COLOUR.-The new regiments raised in America
by draft are to be clad in Lincoln green. It is to be hoped they
won't show their green backs to the enemy, or they will get dis-
counted at a loss.
ANOTHER CHANGE OF NArME-LONGLEY, Archbishop of York, to be
shortly Archbishop of Canterbury.

To prevent looseness in sailors' trousers, every mariner is to have
his compass taken.
A captain may take a hoarse marine on board if his cold is not very
bad, and if necessary he may even take a hawser.
When a captain gets his crew on board, he may let his screw go
on, and go on his cruise.
If he should meet with a trade wind, he may have a sail; and he
may hold a sail wherever there's a good purchase. If the wind bids
fair and is high, the top sails may be disposed of.
If the rations disagree with the purser, he may serve them out on
the first opportunity.

DON'T !-May a baker's son, who dresses very "loudly," and who
invariably "drops the shop," be said to savour more of the buck than
of the dough ?
a note of.

The SECOND Half-yearly Voelme of FUN, with highly-
finished Comic Engravings by talented artists, and Hunmourous
Articles by distinguished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound
in Magenta cloth, gilt, price 4s. 6l., post free 5s.
Also, the Title, Preface, and Index to the SECOND Volume of FUN,
forming an Extra Nunber, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. Gd. each.

I. '!'ri: Pri L1:- l n Publisced 'lfo. the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at thl O.he, 33, Fleet Street, E.C.-October 11, 1S92.

OCTOBER 18, 1862.]
SOCOBran 18, 1862.]

FU T.T 1.

OWEVER reluctant I may feel, dear
Mr. Editor, to quit the engrossing
pleasures of a continental town for
the quiet humdrum routine of Ken-
4 sington out of season, I am, never-
"- t theless, so forcibly struck on my
/ J return from a short stay on the
continent, with the quiet calm and
/ r ,/ holy repose that characterizes an
SF\ English Sabbath, as compared with
A? '4 the sinful frivolities of the same day
/ in Paris, that I am almost consoled.
S -4t Kensington and Notting-hill are, as
y.ou are no doubt aware, generally
Considered serious suburbs; and the
consequence is, that the bells of the
various churches and chapels in the
vicinity are so busy in the holy work
of summoning their congregations to
worship, that from eight in the
morning to nine at night we are
never permitted to forget that it is
e the Sabbath.
bnt I have recently taken sittings
Z under the HoN. and REv. EUSEinUS
BE LAtMOUn, who has built (with
subscriptions) perhaps the charming
S ingest little bijou of ac church in
London. It is all blue picked out
with gold, and round each of the
pillars is a gold scroll, with a de-
lightfully appropriate crimson text
(in Latin), painted in that picturesque old English which nobody can
read; and at the top of each pillar is a hideous little monster, with a
disgusting little tail, and a big, grotesque human head, with the
mouth wide open. The pews, too, only reach to the small of the
back, so that one couldn't possibly go to sleep during the scrnon if one
tried ever so.
Well, Mr. Editor, this duck of a church, though perfect in every
other respect, has no bell; so, in order to remedy this defect, the
REV. MR. BELAMOUR has distributed among his congregation a circular
requesting subscriptions for the bell and belfry, and enclosing a
beautiful little form, charmingly printed in red and black Elzevir
type, with an appropriate text. Well, as LADY BALIIAM and MRS. ST.
ALBAN had placed their names down for three guineas each, and even
that MRs. RICtI for two guineas, I thought I could not, in justice to
our position, place EDwIN's name down for less than fiCe guineas.
But, to my astonishment, when I mentioned the matter to him, quite
as a thing of course, he positively refused to subscribe at all, saying
that London church bells are an intolerable nuisance, and that he is
nearly driven mad, every Sunday, by the discordant twanging of a
dozen "cracked abominations beating at his sensitive ears (EDwIy
has a good ear) for half-an-hour, or more, at a stretch; that people
don't require a bell to summon them to the opera or theatre (EDWIN
is disgracefully fond of comparing a church to a place of public amuse-
ment, as if they could possibly have anything in common!) or to tell
them to go and dress for a ball; and that therefore it is (or ought to
be) unnecessary in the case of a church. In short, the mean, shabby
fellow declines to subscribe one penny, although he knows perfectly
well that by such unchristianlike and uncharitable behaviour, he not
only insults the religion he professes to have adopted, but also holds
his wife up to the ridicule and contempt of all her church-going
rcighbours.-Your sincere friend, ANGELINA BROWN.
Kensington Palace Gardens.

A COUNSEL at Middlesex Sessions,
Took to using abusive expressions:
Oh' RIBTON," says PAYNE,
"Don't you say that again,
While I'm judge at the Middlesex Sessions."

THE vocalist who was seen "pitching his voice," besmeared himself
with the tar he used.

BORN in the fifth year of the nineteenth century, this English gentle-
man has lived to adorn and to dishonour literature, to advocate and to
oppose Liberal opinions, and to fling the red gauntlet, of baronetcy into
the face of those who bestowed it on him. His life is a Strang
Story" that would, perhaps, do him even loss credit than the romance
of that name. As a young man, he promised well. Educated at
Trinity Hall, Cambridge, he won the medal for English poetry. ll1
has, in fact, written in the Last Days of Pompeii" and the Pilgrims
of the Rhine" some exquisite English poetry. But he has also written
much that is neither poetry nor English. Nor must we forgot how
his head was indebted to his STERNE for the plot of their "Cax-
tons," which is no more than a respectable echo of "Tristram Shandy."
It is our duty hero, however, to deal with the right honournblo
baronet as a politician, and not as apoet or a private individual. Tho
beauties which may adorn his writings, or the virtues which may not
distinguish his life, are not in our province, though we nay observe,
in passing, that tle Good, the Beautiful, and the True, appear to exist
for him as abstract adjectives, out of which capitals may be made,
rather than as the veritable nouns, Goodness, Beauty, and Truth.
The right honourable gentleman first represented St. Ives in 1831 ;
but in the next year the saint repudiated him, and lio was found better
suited by his character to "look over" Lincoln. T'lenco lie was cast
out in 1841, not to return to Parliament until 1852, whon llerts hoalled
his wounded pride. When li came back to theo Iouse, lie had abjured
the faith which onc nmado him esteemed, and tho principles fir which
heo had been respected. llis political apostacy was decorated by a
place in the Cabinet in 1858. IIe was condemned to the penal ~t'vii-
tudo of Colonial Secretary. With a tongue as pliant as his pen, he
now describes the beauties of the party to which lie has ratted, and
lauds LORD DERBY to tile skies. His speeches,indeed, flow from that pen,
and not from his head or his heart-if ho have one. They are rather
elaborate essays with which he defends his own course tlhan oratorical
outbursts that may convince others. Tall, gaunt, and pale, lio seems
rather some mechanical metallic framework of a man tlan a human
being, and with a sharp voice, which the contriver of tlhe machine has
failed to modulate wisely.
SIR BULrWER LTTTON has conferred benefits on literature, for which his
disdain of the profession prevents her from being too grateful. lio hal
done good to his country, but she, too, is undecided whether tlh
actions were performed to bestow a lasting advantage upon ler, or to
fling a transient lustre around him.
It is a sad sight to see a man like BUIWER, of fine intellect and high
education, leaving the ranks of Liberalism to swell tie Tory stall.
Like DISRAELI, lie was not content to bo all undistiiingished honest
private in the ranks of Rome, but elected to bo a mercenary leader of
mercenaries in Mantua. For DISRAEL'S renegiading there was an
excuse, but none for that of the highborn, the influential, the wealthy
baronet. A blunted perception of wlat is good and right brought to
bear upon public life has deprived him of the affection and esteem
even of his follow-partizans, who cannot, however, but see the acqui-
sition he is to their faction.
"The glass of fashion, and the mould of form,
The observed of ill observers quite, quite down 1"
may be justly said of him by whoever is qualified to act Ophclia to his
Hamlet. He must have learnt, himself, by this time tlat a career like
his is not atoned for by the tagging of high-flown rlapstdics at the
tail-ends of chapters, an inordinate use of capitals, or the verbose
moralities of Coxtoniana. He knows-and nonobetter tlian tIo-that for
reasons which are not likely to do honour to his head or heart, he
wilfully closed his eyes to the light, and left the broad day-spring of a
Liberal creed for the owl-and-bat-haunted twilight of.a 'Tory bigotry :
and with no better excuse than that he knew, from bitter experience,
that the best of Constitutions may be shattered and ruined.

YE patriots boast of victories won,
Ye can well fight, and better-run.

A QUESTION FOR THE DENTIST'S COu.l:,t,.-Do "false teeth" andl a
"lying tongue generally exist in tilo cEane person ?
To what class do hens belong ?-The la(y)ity.


P U 1-T.


[OCTOBER 18, 1862.

(From or owne Reporter.)
I HE college in this fa-
S-- voured locality, not to
be behindhand with its
Sacademical sister, has
_, *welcomed with epon
arms of the s'o in
which it is situated-
--- bounded on the north
by the east, and on the
South by the ever-vary-
in,,g aspects of a foreign
clime, which, if the
:' .Owest and the other side
Share still unenclosed,
." tthough, indeed, no rnb-
.-' ,h1 ,I hi.h can be shot hero
without being proscc a-
tcd according to law-
and thus we won't go
-home till morning, till
-. daylight doth appear,
S with a hip, hip, hippo-
potamus! On their
Arrival they expressed
themselves highly do-
li;i hted with the repast
of delicately carved
mullions, which nobody
can deny, and so say ,
all of us. I)urini; tihe interval, a grateful country accompanied them in
a merry-go-round, with a prelude in drum major, concluding with
three symphonies composed expressly in two seconds for the vegetable
narrow. -'ovcral decoy ducks were then introduced, and sublunam y
affairs for tihe nioment forgotten, while the royal arch of the West-
minster Bridge played a severe strain on his biceps muscle.
SECTIox A (sCev:c years are supposed to have elapsed).
The members of Section B assembled in this room, and maintained
a strict neutrality, which was, of course, highly creditable to all con-
Piinr:ssoa IIATe'rR produced a paper of sandwiches, which was
i:mediateioly torn from his grasp amid shouts of laughter. Wild
animals were then leo looso, and the proceedings terminated on the
:iftrnoon of tho previous day. Verdict for the plaintiff, with costs.
SECTION D (cold without).
Childrcu in arms only admitted. A vote of thanks was carried
away by two men struggling.
SECTION 3 oR N (as the case may be).
PaorEsso MARCH IIAlE (of Colney College) made a communication
out of his hat, which lie was asked to repeat. On his acceding to the
MIl. rAVIt', the Prefect of the Insane, took the chair, with which
lie victoriously attacked the professor, until the departure of MI.
CoxwEs.'s balloon warned him that his name was NoRVAL, on the
Gcnnpian '!ills, where lie had lately been feeding his flock on sea air
and asalragus.
I'ROFEsso5i A. SYLNu said it was.
DT). Loo N.Ar-rt said it wasn't.
Fire-irons were called for, and our parcel was made up.
Bsth men cauio up smiling, and a fair start was at last effected.
MR. IIDDnOTTr read a paper on his head.
tHo was subsequently quelled with a tomahawk.
Thi interesting proceedings were then closed in the usual way by
the members setting light to several portions of the building, as a
tribute to the memory of BuItns. At this point, the moon rose to
propose the health of their worthy host, and the company separated,
thoroughly delighted waili thl im:tci!cc'.ial treat that had been provided
for then.

WIrY is Mr. C.\.C.ArT like the player of a plaintive ditty ?-Because
lie gives a dying fall.
Wu itlr of the Devil's names is the most descriptive of his character ?
-A bad 'oi

CONSIDERABLY to our surprise, and not a little to our disgust, MR.
BARLOW has reappeared. He called at our office on Monday, and
through the negligence of a servitor gained admission to our editorial
sanctum. He had altered for the better, as regards his outward man,
although his conversation was still coarse in the extreme. Clad in a
gray rifle uniform with red ihcings, Mn. BARLeOW would, but for a bla k
eye, have appeared almost respectable. On our inquiry by what
means he had become possessed of that costume, he gave us two
etatciient, both of which are absurd. His first assertion, that L.e
had been a member of the Queen's Westminsters ever since formation of that corps, is incompatible with the fact that he has only
just been released from Dartmoor prison. His second statement, that
he found the uniform lying under a deadly upas tree at Hampstead
Heath, is equally ridiculous. He confessed that his visit to Paris was
a myth; and, with his characteristic indifference to propriety of
conduct, be .ang the whole of the following ballad, in, we are bound
to admit, a clear and mellow voice:-
You may see by my dress, if you know what it means,
As I've been and enlisted myself in the Queen's;"
When we march throu gh tie streets, the boys sing out Hul lo !
Here's the rifles : .... l : look out for BARLOW "
Heigho! th.,, I 'em know
How the uniform brings out tih charms of BARLOW
That day in the park* ('twas the grandest I've seen)
When the rifle battalions was viewed by the QUEEN;
Says she to the duke, who stood at her elbow,
Most soldierlike person, that M.STERa BARLOW."
Heigho! decidedly so "
Said the duke, as hie slyly took sight at BARLow.
I hear there's a talk of allowing a pound
To every rifleman, all the year round;
A pound! why the coin in their faces I'd throw,t
Thruppence ha'penny supplies every want of BARLOW !+
Heigho I my own mug, you know!
A pot of mild porter for MIISTER BaRLow!
In front of the foe, when the firing is hot,
You may stand a very fair chance to be shot;
But, take my advice, of deep study the fruit,
Don't stand in his front, get behind him and shoot !
Just out-duo-de-ci-mo,
The whole art of warfare, by WILLIAm BARLOW !
I shot in a match, and I should ha' won too,
But somehow the bullets they all went askew;
Some were right, some were left, some were high, some were low,
When I cried, There's a bull's-eye! the marker said, "No "
Heigho! I thought it was slow,
And didn't I catch it from Mas. BARLOW [I
Should the French come across, they'll behold with surprise,
',Ty warlike appearance and terrible size, Tf
* They'll cry, Meais, m'ssieurs, qu'il est grand, qe'il est beau "
But, Mosshoos, heel fo hook it," cries sternly BARLOW!
Heigho! that'll stagger 'em so,
They'll go head over heels, right in front" of BARLOW !
Should I fall in the field (not a probable case), *
My body, of course, in the Abbey they'd place, if
With a sculpture in marble of me-standing so,
And glory a crowning the brows of BARLOW.
Heigho! there 'd be a show!
Why thousands 'ud flock to the tomb of BA&Low! fi
Now, by way of a hepitaph simple and strong,
I'd just recommend 'em to stick up my song,
With Hanc cantilenam, sapore nmagno,
Victoria regnante, cantavit Barlo!"
Heigho! tip it 'em so,
A touch of that classical author, BARLOW !

Ms. BARLow was then in Devonshire.
t We doubt it.
$ We shall reduce his stipend accordingly.
Habitual inebriation is one of Ms. BIa ow's little foibles.
II WiLtira is a bachelor.
9 His height is five feet two inches.
'* Candid!
tt Highly improbable.
+t Only if the admission were gratuitaos.

_I_ _~ ~_ _


SOCTOBE 18, 1862.]

1M luscles.-Right again. A May-hommcar.n is quite difll'ent to a
ALMANACK AND DIARY. Juno-hommodan.
METEORILLOGICAL AND ASTRILLOGICAL NOTICES. De llit.-There is a flower called the day-sy; but lnt, that we are
aware, one styled the week-sr.
SEVERAL of the Sun's autographs can be procured. Very valuable. Oleaster asks, "Do you cut a potato befor pulling it into your
SWanted.-Some sky-scrapers for the dirty weather. mouth We shall be happy to dine with OiLEASTnlE and show
SNote by our ow0n Astronomer, Mr. Smith.-On Tuesday the glass fell him. Our terms for one seance at dinner are not high.
in the hall; servant dismissed in consequence. Roodydaktylos.-Pooh !
The legal authority to be consulted on the weather is the Bar-ometer. A Knowing One.-Yes.
Notice to Trespassers.-The time-keepers have strict orders to arrest Tozzles.-No. or vce versl.
any one found getting through the morning. Monty Crusto.-How to efface an injury ? Certainly. Pass a gardiin-
This is an Irish month-Och-tober. roller lightly over the stomach of your enemy.
Horn Tooth.-Consult three solicitors, but don't take their advice, :r
2 OCTOBER. they'll, charge you for it.
12 5S Horticulturists' Festa. Sermon on "Hoe no man any-
13 M Dance of Ham-adryades on Ham Common. A LAY OF MODERN ROME.
14 Tu Celebrated in history as "One of these days."
15 W "Hip! hip! pnoite FuN-alEa."-Hrac FATHER O'r.IL from Donegal,
16 TH Dance of fanciful people at, Whintabledon. By Seven Dials swore,
17 F Old English Sports.-Roasting a practical joker. The Garibaldians in the park
18 S Annual Swimming Match for the Sons of the Clergy at St. Should meet gain no more.
Paul's. Once round and a distance. Dy Dials Seven he swore it
In a most solemn way,
THE' GARDEN. And called on DENNIS, PAT, and MI r,
AWind-gag. A good shillolah-blow to strike
Wind-gauges are: now ripe.
Are not your pot oes as good as you could wish them ? Live in CS the next meeting diy.
Shame on the finiso Hlibernian
hope. Di mesaly~ra. W~ho smokes his pipe nit home,
If your dog annoys you by tearing in and out of the gooseberry Whe smokes his pipe at home,
bushes, beat him until he whines.; he'll never repeat-the offence, as a W n o fivey otr Irishmen
good whine needs no bush. So in the .park on Sunda
To Gardeners who Seek for Frequent Information.-Wrap up your o k oi Su
dahlias in paper; remove the papers: these will then be dahlia They n aiusced pretty thick,
papers, which will, of course, be better than daily papers. And any a tack o hea' stick c
Shaiksperian Gardening. On every occasion where ,practicable, Ad in that ny gathering
use the mould of fashion." And in that noisy gathig
So many of our correspondents want to know how it is that birds (Not too well off for soap),
Where one cried (iCuA ii hA !"
eat their apples by the bushel? Our gardening friends are wrong; WVer three cried "Och, the 'nI:B!"
birds eat apples by the peek. ut soon the arield ian,
We are glad to have to record this week the laying the first stone But soon the Garilildiais
of a now Hospital for Decayed Gardeners. It is in a delightful T Aid 'liv cs of the tl Iard
neighbourhood, within easy reach of the nearest railway-station, and Thei knocked aoli( t ell Insh raiglis,
surrounded on all sides by hills and vales, while a view of the distant AJust like a Ipack of carls.
mountains can be obtained by ordering it the day before. Tie root Ad d: ew bri(i i ulc'vals,
to the building lies through shady walks, at which some of the horti- milal did 1(h tuult, ec1::' L
culturists present on this interesting occasion took umbrage. The Wero some othel mon t1.irIIeI'nt
first stone that was laid was a cherry-stone. The rooms will be fitted "o k u11 bIy the I lnO'
up with flower-beds, and the carpets laid down by flooryculturists ; at n ihil S ii 1w'ItiAi) lJy li
least, these are the arrangements pro staipb. Some very old gardeners 'Di to his wathomeol b ::- -
(who were treated as creepers) wore shown their future home, and ',As i-oably llc'll 1n e a ighi.,
regaled with a slico of bread and tree-cle. Two matrons will be the 'T.wro best you klpy awy.
superintendents, called two-maters. The library will be filled with
the works of CUARLES DIGGINS, and IRAIKEs's Correspondence. On And i the Yid orl Scotlandl,
the occasion of our visit the ground was kept by the apples of the And Ihe anci:nt Sti,1c. o i ,
volunteer core. On leaving the premises each pensioner will be AndA is i cl houd do i bl.,
required to turn the key in his own hil-lock. WAnih much unsc oly Ii oi ivt
How to Train TVallflowers.-Cut your stick about so long. Come Will be described the l ht
back again, and remove the indigenous particles with the thick end of Will be described the pla,
'a penknife. See that the cuticle is still unimpaired, and then the Whereby the H peelers kepi ti 1 peace
At tie Hyde Piark Rel'ii'ii.
iflowcr will only need nourishment to bring it to perfection.
: ir iaentea Gardening is a subject now attracting much notice.
,Pretty effects may be obtained by clipping decayed lettuces fancifully
V irl, scissors. Clothes-baskets filled with old stocks should be hung A'L U.P."
Ua, under your flowery arches. Get some one to give you a lot of
flowers; this will be something like a floral haul. If you cannot afford WE coeneldo from th spirit in hlich th- aictd, ta Lho eon,re-
a fbunlain iu the centre of your broad walk, an umbrella-stand trimmed gaion designated U.P. in the tolle:iag paragraph arc tie sect i,'
with brown paper will have a cool and refreshing appearance. Uncharitable Prigs:-
Rabbits and onions are always a great nuisance in a garden, and we "A youn mian in connexion with tile U.P. congre;iatinio hern 11ll Iel '!n;(
regret our inability to offer a remedy fir their destruction. Set a trap admit that he hiad coin mitted s ---l o t "i, 1ill precccnlml or leading the llraisi in
for the rabbits, and then if the gin fails, try brandy ; by the way, a the parish church of Firth latl, -t Orcadian.
good bait for the gin is grog-blossoms ; allured by these, you will see Wee wonder what the Unco Pious congregation would bay if tho
the rabbits run to take a nip in the bud. same sort of toleration were extended to them ?
Musical Gardening.-Caltivate the bass viol-et.

Booh !-Threatening t0 knock down your wife is not generally under- has stopped the rale of liquor in tie camp, and cut off th e grog of the
stood as an offering to Flora. I navy. This last measure (a short moi;iure) is surely unnecessary.
. Cockney writes to say that lie has a capital plan for changing one tree There can be no harm in a drop in the ocean, nor does it follow
into another, by transplanting an oak, when you'll probably make because the army is disorganized, th-. tlh ficet should be dispirited.
a ash of it. COCKNEY's a hidiot. i Tim l isIor OF LONDON'S MoiT'. -- ;, you'r: e n vlited !"

VOL. li,.


~ __~

PT N. [OCTOBER 18, 186

~~--1~--~-t > -7,-- -

i k;4-:1 i

- .: .. I,

N.B.-The other horsemen have one by one "scudded" out of sight, "over the hills and far away."

Most men and women in Dorsetshire considered the REVEREND
WALTER 1IORNUY to be an exceedingly lucky fellow. He was only
thirty-two. The rectory of Chalkecourts brought him at least eight
hundred a year; lie had forty thousand pounds with his wife, pretty
little LucY RICIiARIn ; and his old aunt, LADY HENRIETTA IIoRNBY,
nmade no secret of the fact that he was to be heir to the whole of her
property, which included a colliery in Durham, and three public-houses
in Westminster. Nor was this all. MIl. IIORNBY was bien vu at the
episcopal palace ; and it was whispered about, by rosy-lipped daughters
of canons, that M s. PRounltD was fonder of receiving a muffin from
his delicate hand than from that of any other young clergyman who
over combined low church views with the amenities of the evening
meal.i. WAITER IoavNeY, in point of fact, was a agreeable fellow as
well as a lucky one. lie had no special call for his vocation, to be surn ;
but then.he never pretended to have any. His tastes were manly and
English. No rider in the Dorsetshire hunt could leave Watty," as
he was still fondly called by his familiars, very far in the rear. A
dead shot, and a capital bowler (with a very dangerous spin from the
off), he was also an excellent amateur boxer. He had that apprecia-
tion of a good glass of wine, which has long characterized the church
of England as being the most gentlemanly establishment in the uni-
verse. Brave, and handsome, and clover, the whole county loved him.
Dom lo: TIORNE and sMiss D-NSTAnBE had a particular fancy for him-
and they knew him so well as to be able to guess at his secret.
The REVEREND WALTER HORNBY, in spite of all this seeming
prosperity, was in a desperate fix. As he looked at his little wife
running about in the garden, her golden hair floating gaily under the
coquettish little hat, he often almost groaned aloud. His college life
had been a fast one. His debts were heavy indeed. Refined and
luxurious in his tastes, he had never smoked cigars that stood him in
less than sixpence a piece; and then he was excessively fond of
smoking. The allowance of two hundred a year, which was all that
his father, a half-pay lieutenant at Plymouth, could spare for him, did
not go very far in that circle, where alone WAI.TEs: seemed really at

home. He was the best dressed man in his college ; but his clothes
were never paid for. His cigars were exquisite, but obtained on
credit. His wines did honour to his taste, but were rather more
expensive than even he had feared.
Now, unless he dipped into his wife's forty thousands pounds to
the tune of some eight or ten-and to do him justice, he was a great
deal too fine a fellow to think of such a course, except as a very last
resource-it was by no means clear to the REVEREND WALTER HORNBY
how on earth he should pay his debts. Eight hundred a year, which,
as I have said, was all that he obtained from his professional pursuits,
is not much, after all, to such a man. To be sure, he might borrow
from Miss DUNSTABLE, but the shame of exposure before that very
plainly spoken lady was not a pleasant thing to look forward to. So
the lREVEREND WALTER HORN im, with deep regret do we chronicle it
once more, was in a desperate fix.
ToR TOWERS, 6f the "Jupiter," was therefore not particularly sur-
prised, knowing the circumstances, when lie received, early in October,
a telegram to the following effect:-"Must write. You know why.
Who has influence on FUN ? "
It was a strange message for a clergyman to send, but stranger
things still were to follow.

"The Government still withholds all information about PorP's army."- -ide
A,,erican News.
WE'RE all in the dark,
Of light not a spark,
Can we get from LINcoLN'S diurnals;
The news real and true,
We get only through
JEFF. DAVIs's better kept journals.

WHAT is the reputed weight and thickness of a heavy peal of
thunder ?

-------- -----

OCTOBER 18, 1862.]


47_ /


" ,.4

WHAT is the matter with MONSIEUR: D'. ri'.yA ?
A hearty man, though his head is gray ;--
Though his head is gray and his figure lean,
What can this sudden sickness mean ?
Ah but his daughter, gentle and fair,
Waits on Monsieur with incessant care,
Makes cooling drinks, refreshing andi sweet,
And the dainties which tempt the sick to cat.
With patience and love that never tire,
She watches and tends her aged sire ;
But a fatal disease is poor MONSIEUR D'Ai'Bna's,
And it carries him off in ten short days !
MfcNSIEmUR D'AuBRAY's two sons have come
To follow his corpse to its last long home ;
But a sickness, whose nature no leech may tell,
Seizes the lady's brothers as well.
Alas! and alack! for that lady fair,
She beats her bosom-she tears her hair;
Father and brothers lie lifeless and cold-
The -MARQUISE DE BRINVILLIERS inherits their gold.
Out and shame on that woman of sin,
With a semblance of love she has slain her kin
And all this happened-as you must know -
Nearly two hundred years ago.
But the devil, who filled her savage heart,
Has not forgotten the villainous art :
And in England-in eighteen sixty-two-
People die poisoned-and not a few.
Ay, those by whom the sick man is nursed,
Who feed his hunger and slake his thirst,
Who give his medicines-oh fiendish sin !
Drop the death-dealing drugs therein.
The physician's skill is without effect,
The art of the analyst fails tU detect;
And people perish, and fortunes are made,-
And the chemist must drive a thriving trade.
a 45
They punished in Paris LA CIIAUSSEE,,
Who helped to poison the MESSIEURS D'AUdnRA :
When next poison's detected, perhaps we ought
To punish tlhe chemist of whom it was !:ought.

ExcISE.-The name of a tax on commodities, from he Lain irl ixus,
cut off, either because many cut off without paying, or because lhso
who do pay are obliged to cut oir many luxuries in consequence of t lih
tax levied upon then. Conscience money sent to the IIANCI.1A.OIu OF
THE EXCIIEQUER may be suppo.cd to reprCsent the duty which a
man owes his country.
EXPERIENCE.---The prize given for lessons iitaght, IbV (tho cliol-
master Time. Those who have prolited by the insltuition tl: con-
veyed, will find that they have gained lithe nwst valabii)le ot all know-
ledge. When SIENSTONE, the poet, said h:it those who lhall tra\nllid
life's dull round, whero'er their welcome niilit have been, would sigh
to think that they had found their wa iest welcome at nll itn, Ie
may regard the lines as simply showing tile yonng n thor's inn expe-ll
rience. When you do not inid your wel-coine, you may as well go.
EYE.--The organ of sight, which we ill deil'e t) move n11. T 111er
are two kinds of sight, the short iigit and the opposite, andl ie short
sight is paradoxically considered the longest. The first, thing Io do is
to properly educate the eye, and you will find you liivo an aipt pupil.
The sensitive nature of this delicate organ is w.ll known, the in'allh,
substances sometimes lproducing tlih renlest inconveniencel. We
have heard of a young ii:n, lhoiwri, Io li:d a niiro irl in lhi eye
for a considerable time, which ceaui.ed Iinl no Itronuil I ill hle t;iliea Iio
take her out ono afternoon.
FACE.-The most fthmiliar of olijolcs, tlloug:'l wo cannil, lo,,l uIlpon
our own from titno to (itie witlihtii, Msol siurprisi and l ai lilit rlls'-
tiun. Even when a strange face ii' encountered, we klnow I:ntlit it IIt1,
have been seen by everybody before. Physiognomy is t-ai l by soiiio
to be a study full of contradictions and perplexities, ill, tho wllo
assert that a face is a puiXzle show no desire to have\ their own inado
plain. Some ladies attempt to conceal the ravages of time by
enamelling the surface of tihe skin, so that, though they pay dearly for
their complexions, they have tlhe tfce for laythiing. \M l t.Mi l iaci.,
the cosmetic-compounder, boasts of tlo patlroin;eo of' Ilie nobility, lut,
it is hard to believe that she can ever have had i II comt'oieonnilr of olo
virtuous English woman.
FACT comes from the Latin facio, on mlko or ido, and tllhs it, may
happen that those who want, tdo)d anything with fltts generally nmke
them to answer their purpose. Facts are naknowledged to ble Is ulbiorn
things, so after all your trouble to got it them, you imust not expect,
them to yield a great deal.
FAME.-The privilege of being talked about after your deatli, and
having your name in a biographical dictionary. I 'you :r1o very iaiious,
which you will not be as long as you live, a sHtalte will pr-Oubly li
erected to perpetitute your Inonory, so Ih nt you maly hlia:t tIle idli-
tional pleasure of finishing posterity with a. iHlji'ct, !,ln pIlerltunl
comment. The poet who writes for frane is uvnu:ly tiihen-i'ited sooner
or later.
FAinLY.-Tho links in the social chain by which we calculate our
relative distances. Families form the suta' o a: great corninunity, to
be arithmetically worked out according to the familiar ruilcs oilf ddli-
tion, subtraction, multiplication, and division. A divided fiiminiy i;
frequently met with, and the observation that oneinto a Ihoullr won't
go, and set down one and carry one,.muSt be familial to most IhoieH-
holds. Whilst fully beliovig that there i 'littlef'tll0e1appih ss il tUle
world that is not intimately connected with'dbm6osio tioes, it unst, he
also added that the proper-ties of a family wilRifte.gieri'to 1 n many
unhappy divisions.
FAN-The use of the fantwas known in tho early dn3iy of antiquity.
The winnowing fan is sploien of hy the ancient writiors na an imiple-
ment for driving away chall, a .d in tieo moden ldays, when it attaint'd
its greatest supremacy-the period known, indeed, asl tie reign of
ANNE-it was freely employed by our female liti of ancestors for tiln
same purpose. In India a hlage An is Used, pulled l y t-iirings, and as
it has two meanings, keeping the seroanta as wA'l *is the air in
constant motion, it is called a pun-kah. Aa a venti!:'lior an metls, it, is
found exceedingly useful, for it not only enables li l.' a: t Ind!ial to
prolong the period of his dinner, hrtt it also give:; Ihiin It lie advantingeir
of havin' tea later afterwards.

WE SUPPOSE so.-May not the extremes to which llio Anmricntis
are carrying matters bo looked upon as instance (if Nortll and
South latitude ? "
WtrHAT is their difference between the P iasI oF WTAEir; and water
from a fountain ?-The one is heir to the thrye and 1the other it
thrown to the air.
WHIEN people reflect, do they use a looling-glass ?






DE.A ANNE,--3y husband is now, thank goodness, effervescent;
though I myself have had a romantic pain in my head, in consequence
of the changeable state of the hemisphere. Talking of change, MR.
II., you will be glad to hear, has lately been left some little property
by a distant relation, whom, in her lifetime, we always considered
rather near. She decided in a great house, and in a state of influence
that a Crasses himself might have envied. However, she, poor soul!
has gone to her account, and while MR. H. was looking over his in his
banker's book, he thought it would be as well, for the sake of his
family, to infest the new money in some paying security. Accordingly,
the first thing we paid was a visit to his broker, by whom, at my
special request, we were shown some of the curiosities of the city.
MR. Louis SIFcK, my husband's broker, has an office in Cornhill,
looking on to the Royal Exchange. Here we were shown into a room
with a glass door, on which was described in large letters "Private."
Through this door, which was slightly open, I saw three or four
young clerks sitting behind a desk, with bright brass rails and a small
green curtain, sniggering at one another, until M3. SPECK, who had
been standing with his hat on by the fire-place, looked over the top,
when they at once began scribbling as if their very lives depended on
it. There were two gentlemen in the office, both reading the news-
paper, and occasionally leaving off to ask one another What they
thought of so-and-so ? eluding to some topic of the day, or to request
MR. SPECK to send out one of his clerks to make some inquiries in the
Exchange, which insulted in the clerk being despatched, and presently
returning with a small piece of paper, from which MR. SPECK read
something about "ninety-six and a quarter," whereupon the two
gentlemen shook their heads very wis ly at one another, and assumed
their refusal of the news. It seemed to me avery easy way of making
money, for, of course, that's what every one does in the city, except
those who lose it. When MIR. SPECK was disengaged, which seemed
to be about the time that he was tired of standing by the mantel-
piece, lie came into the private room with many prodigies for having
kept us so long.

In the course of a conversation, of which I could only catch a few
senses, he said something about there being a bull and a bear in his
office, which made me very uncomfortable, until it appeared that he
eluded to his two friends, whom, being on infinite terms, I suppose he
thus cicatriced. As he was going out on my husband's affairs, we
accompanied him across the Royal Exchange. This is a very noble
building, with steps leading up to it, shops all round the exterior,
offices above them belonging to brokers, merchants, shippers, and all
sorts of people of a sinister inscription. In the interior is a lemonade,
where members of the populace walk up and down or sit still, but
every one wears an importunate look, and appears to be expecting
somebody else to come and talk to him on business of the greatest
consequence. The beetles belonging to the building bear a strong
assembly to those in the Burlington Arcade; indeed, MR. SPECK
assured us, that they were all the defendants of one common ANN'S
sister, and that their birth was a territory in the family. I believe
this inflammation to be hysterically correct.
We now came to a small alley, called, I think, Cable Caught,-
where it's caught or why, I don't know,-where gentlemen bustled in
and out of a passage leading into a specious room. Into this MAR.
SPECK went, leaving me and my husband outside, but through the
glass I reserved all that was going on. As well as I recollect (for there's
such a buzzing and a shouting that one gets quite confused) there
were two beetles perched up high against two opposite walls. They
were spoken to by people outside through the miriam of ear crumpets,
and whenever any complication was made to .them from without,
they deformed the gentlemen inside all about it with the lungs of a
Centre. Here, as MR. SPECK afterwards told us, the business of the
world was being carried on, to which I say, as I said before, wonder-
ful Stockbrokers and stockchoppers are all hard at it, talking,
laughing, and joking, for they play as many practical jokes on one
another, as the merriest schoolboys; writing down on little slips ,of
paper, speaking in whispers in corners, some rushing in wildly, others
snorting out as if they had nothing to do, but every one of them,

O",.i.i-r. 18, 1862.]

F U N.

-hough they might look careless and sa;iqg fr, as the French say,
ar.: as eager for money as flies for sugar, and quite ready to take
,.advantage of their own brothers, all in lth w.y business, and as a
matter of ordinary cacchination. I must say tlha this view el *.
.quite succeeded my most sanguinary expE ctorations. Mi:. 11. was
reduced by MR. SPECK to purchase some India viper scents," but
as I said, what absurdity wasting your money in perfurmery." I
wanted him to have some consuls for money, which sounded well,
and you know there's nothing like having interest with people in an
officious rapacity. He did something in the way of a Mexican skip;
but I fancy it was against MR. SPECK'S warming. Some "ruby
paper" then came under consideration, but while they were talking
I bought a penny paper, which was of some use, though they said
the other was very valuable. However, at last MR. II. settled all his
purchases (he need never complain of my being a loig time shopping
again), and having paid MR. SPECK his permission, we returned home
.very tired, but highly satisfied with all that we had seen and heard in
the city. Good-bye for the present.-I remain your affectionate sister,

Li ,, the old goenilman on the I'01 ly :.i'rn.:, who nrvri know
lihow cold it was until he hadl seen i ei",' oinito oter, :;o tIe I ondlon
plalygoer could never have realized hlo',:'- unc tni'oilile, he hadli beeui
until MR. BlorCIA.\iT's admirable letter u appeared in piint. lII, has
clearly pointed out tie distinction between a rpiatlor nt d ai s.indii,,
and triumphantly proved that in a properly oonsltructld lw nItre, thelro
is no natural law which compels us to undergo a grant da:l ii' of misery,
in order to obtain ia small amount of enjoyment. Pending the day
when his new structure is to inaugurate a brighter oipclh iin lhinigs
theatrical, lhe is to give us a foretaste of the future :a .b:I.:I's and
furnish s with :ni installment of hal.piaess on ace '.i This is a
wise precaution. If MR. BouCItat ..r suddenly m I. t.ietropolilan
playgoers too condifrtable, they woul be always wa' i.. .. to go to lie
theatre and never wanting to come a.-ay. To suab .... nied luxuries
as promised, we must grow aconstomed by degrees. It is not every
man who can coolly cent iemplate the possession of so mIluclh inljoyimeit
as stretching out his legs and sitting out a play at the sane timen. 'ThI
possibility of such a delightful combination sees hardly corerrivahile out
of Utopia, but in the meanlitino we will place failth in TMr. HIo',(ii'tus;r,
believe that the late Mil. RoIII':Tr O\w Ni:'s wildlsl. drelyeas .fl ,, .,,,hi,I

WANTED.I happiness are about to be ftllilledl, nItl lhat tli days of' crampel kineH,
StI,-I heartily second MR. DION BOUCICAULT'S proposal for a now box-keeping brigandage, and bad ventilation, are about to pass away
,theatre. Sir, it is a public want. Allow me, in the name of the for everC
theatre-going multitude, to put forward a few important suggestions. Signs of a busy winter season are accnumulatiing apaco arotind ius,
Firstly. That the private boxes, stalls, and dress circle should be and amongst them we must recongnise tIhe ir-openling of the Surrey
so fitted up that each seat might, when required, form a comfortable ""der the sole lesseeslip of Mi. Sii.'niiIu, who liis re-decorated th(
sofa, on which the spectator could pleasantly slumber during a dull interior in what may be c:dll'l the \Vizard of tlhe North st3 lo of tho
performance. This arrangement, while soothing to the feelings of the paraphernalia period. Th':; the evening's amusement miiy be fillowod
spectator, would at the same time considerably lessen the chances of by a satisfactory reflection, a ('irlnin of looking-glats has been
any outbursts of dissentient sibillation that might otherwise inter- exhibited after the lirst piece, a', 111" course, to the delight of every
fere with the business of the stage. good-looking lass beloro it. An inscription, which appears on tho
Secondly. That there be constructed under, or in front of, or some- drapery above, enlightens us wit I ihse words, l'ih wonder of the
where conveniently near every seat, a receptacle for the public's hats, ageo-- TLLrA, London-road." VWhy MiR. VIl.\lN-- who will hence-
which, in the present disorder of things, suffers much at the hands of forth be identified as Surrey VTLT.r s-should he so called, will donbt-
.the architect and the legs ofa brother public. less make many of the audience a little wonder themselves, but so hto
Thirdly. That the pit be made luxurious as the Pitti Palace. is described on literally i .1. ,ull;riy. Perhaps the inn-marvel has
Fourthly. That there be a joke-sounding board possessing extraordi- yet to exhibit himself ..- i.. thel crystal crtnini iln tie form of a
nary acoustic properties, so that a pun may be repeated five or six colossal RAMO SAMIIE, a gigantic gvmlnssI, or a Ilh(ldlll. OI|,OMNDIN.
times distinctly, thus obviating the necessity for any unit among the In these days we have ceased to ask," Cain nFch things be ? but still
public of slow perception asking another unit, What did he say then, the public will not be overcome without its special wonder. The
eh ?" audience seem to consider the social glass selt hllore lthem a mnntager's
That, fifthly, I shall be very happy to advance MR. DION Bouct. treat. We may here, without 1 : lpowier of the "1gillio" invoked by
CAULT'S admirable scheme by subscribing myself,-Yours truly, the poet, see ourselves as others see lus." Thie 5oing v il expected to
PRIVATE BOX (VOLUNTEERS). hold the mirror up to humanla ntturfi, and ni as ballet takes placo in
P rE Box (VOLNfront of the one at tho Surrey, we may tirly say that it gives a faithful
reflection of the whirled before it.
With the Medal of B'ronzce, so great a piece that it took two towrito
it for the French stage,, and two o t translalc anid adail, it to our own,
LITTLE TAIES FOR LITTLE HEADS. we would rather not meddleo at all. No power of compression could
RET-TY lit-tie dogs are French squeeze its plot into a paragraphl. History has Iold uHs tllt, Henry
"- Poo-dles. There is a Stern Man Qa'tre, who figures as the chief personage, was called the father of
.. who has ve-ry Lit-tle Ton-gue, but his people," and the dramatists who lhnvo in introduced us to lihose whom
a Great Deal of Nose. This Stern we shall delicately describe as the human probbililities of his early
'- I an is Mas-ter of a Cle-ver French love-adventures, would seem to have quito believed it. Mit. BAsI,
S, Poo-dle, whose name is FRANCE. POT'Er, as the French monart ll afllr saluting a lprl(l.y nilutkeL-girl,
The Stern MIan found the Poor gets a round of applause for e::lIhaiming, in his dc, p sonorous voice,
Thing try-ing to get to rest in a Ah the kiss of an honest wo:nan is a thing that a king sehlom gels,
# L Lit-tlo Red Cap. So the Stern and that monarch may indc dI be proud of." The gallery inter-
Man Coax-ed the Poo-dle, and Pat- changed c igialtulations dirccti .' their own advtniligi' of l'isilion.
f ted It; and sud-den-ly He took There is 'it. Sn ), who la without reason Ieon imprisoned,
the Lit-tle Red Cap, and Put It and who lins been liberated wii'i .l, irason too, in idly Inikin; fhirty-
I-; >I ,l in-to His Pocket, and then threw five pairs of shoes fir hlis weel,lh:irt, and :. i.1 ,. *. vigorostily fIr tieo
S i Poor FRANCE in-to Hot W'a-ter. half of the bronze medal till his 1'ms aicho, and tlie lionv rings with
S .._- When the Poo-dle got out of Hot clapping of; hands. And there is Mi. Funl', Ic ]Rhim ':nioN lit up by
-Wa-ter, the Siern t Man said, I nm lthe lime-light, and Mn3. A. 'TAi 1'-r; cutlling wotnderftl n ipr' ill the
your Mas-ter!" Then the Stern air when shot, and MR. MAiCLri: (.verlasingly plotti, .,g.. l,;l,.
Man taught the Poo-dle ma-ny Tricks. He taught FRANCE to Jumpl, and M tI. VOLrr5~ snE alyas r Sdoing o'i'llIing at ti wrong time, Und MRl.
and the Dog Jump-ed o-ver the Alps, and then ITe Jump-ed back F,. I -CE looking sensible as the youni king, anld Miss (I. I'AN'criI'iTrr
a-gain. Then the Poo-dle would Jump o-ver the Chan-nel, but the looking daggers :t the ohl one, tid Mi.ss FANNY C.ii'romI) making a
Stern Man said, Stop a Bit." Now the Stern Man fears His Nose great deal of a ,mall part, anrd plenty of lpois, poignards, :ind pro-
will be put Out of Joint some day ; and He foirs also that whien cessions ; andl if these things do not make a good Surrey dlranmi, why
His Poo-dle FRANCE feels its Wis-dom Teeth, it will snnp its M:s-ter's go yourself and see how you like it. TuE ODD MAN.
Nose off. So the Stern Man holds his Nose in his Cam-bric, but ie
must not Blow his Nose, for his Friends say he mny i!nvo His Erains
Ont.r__ THERE'S NOTlll-n(i LIKE ASKTNG IN TIME.- Shot1ld crioinole ever b)
discarded, might it not he ideignated the excluded circle ? "
MEN OF MARK.-Is the branding of deserters to be considered a MI(;IT not bakers' appr( nice very appropriately be called their

I atlloi';isi


natu I .-m c C i-n


50 UIF UI NS. [OCTOBER 18, 1862.

I- -
1_ --'


Jj~u CLoS ~i~ TAcrAU AT TI1 r? h!AJ~UO

Ji/ARtwh RsFFUaN s sUpcsi T (J/N^ ,
V Az/J Ri; THAT A i. R.^ m^

Frequent complaints reach is that we are too exclusive in not making use of the numerous clever sketches sent us by contributors, soho
alniost ilvrriaably ask us in return to send a cheque. We give above a careful fac-simile of a fair average specimen of the artistic efforts of
those who make these complaints. We shall be happy to present a handsomely bound copy of our second volume to any one who can
discover sense, zoit, or point in it.

Air-" The Young Man from the Country."
COME, bring your pitchers, servants, and take your penn'orths now,
Of te new milk from the country and the speckled Jersey cow
For it is not from the black one, as any one may see,
Comes the new milk from the country, that from chalk's entirely free.
Iero's the new milk from the country, that from chalk's
entirely free.
For half-a-pint a penny is the modest sum I charge,
A price that's small for milk, although for chalk and water large;
(hi tliro s uothing for your pudding, white sauce, and fricass6e,
Like the new milk from the country, that from chalk's entirely free.
Here's the new milk from the country, etc.
So come and purchase penn'orths while yet I'm in the street,
Fr I supply the, article that's pure and fresh and sweet;
And tlher ry best investment for breakfast or for tea
Is tle nri'e milk ft'i- m the country, that you're sure to get of me.
Here's the new milk from the country, etc.

NmI-cr.-In answe- to numerous inquiries, we beg to state, once
filr all, tlhae we believe the peerage, to which the IIONOURALE
F[";.. i;.;ic; Ci)OO\N is heir, to be the Carlogan pier-age, and its
revenue to be derived from the penny steamers.
MIosr CERTAINLY.-Would not CLOSE make an appropriate poet for
a tail r ? and might not one of his effusions be very properly called a
distich ?
LnrERARY.-A new edition of Boxiana," edited by JAMES MACE,
Esq., P.R., will shortly be published by Messrs. BLACKEYE and Co.

THE line must always be drawn somewhere, but we think that
M. R. draws it rather too finely in the subjoined advertisement:-
ENGLAND or ABROAD.-A highly respectable person from Devonshire, as
confidential and useful housekeeper. Understands making bread, pastry,
custards, blancmanges, etc.; getting up of fine linen, but nothing decidedly
menial; or to superintend children, either private or in a school. References,
4j and 1- years.-M. R., etc.
Here we have M. R.,-abbreviation, no doubt, of EMMA,-who is
willing to make bread, pastry, custard, blancmanges, and to get up
fine linen, but who cannot stoop to do anything "decidedly menial."
If EMMA doesn't consider that the expression "decidedly menial"
applies to the combined duties of cook and washerwoman, we should
like to know to what special class of services she considers that
designation applicable.

tions" of Vesuvius, or reduce the "swellings of the sea."
LosT! FIVE PUNS REWARD.-Lost on a silly gentleman a fine
joke; it was last seen by an intelligent lady.
HARD LINES."-Crinolines.

t1y The SECOND Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with highly-
finished Comic Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous
Articles byl distinguished writers, is now ready, handsomely bow~u
in Magen;ta cloth, gilt, price 4s. Gd., post free 5s.
Also, the Title, Preface, and Index t6 the SECOND Volwme of FU ,
forming an Extra Number, price ld.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. Gd. each.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Oc ber 18, 1862.

OCTOBER 25, 1862.] FT J IN.



NLY yesterday the
following ungrate-
ful letterwas found
in thecomfortably-
furnished apart-
ment in our office,
in the habit of
placing at the dis-
posal of our weak-
headed contribu-
tor, who, it is need-
Sess to say, is evi-
dently labouring
under some strange
hallucination. We
have sent him for a
holiday to the
Latch, Colney.
Sb,--I'm your
regular contribu-
tor. You know
that; no one bet-
ter; gr-r-r-bahl!
I never see a copy
Sof FUN ; youknow
that you don't
Eend me one, and
how the --, I
mean, how can I see one if you don't send it? I have seen one
though, and a letter in it too-in No. 55-from a lazy contributor
-an independent contributor, who wouldn't sign his name, who
wouldn't send you any copy, who wouldn't do anything you asked
him, but, taking his cheque, and a holiday to spend it in, went off to
the sea-shore, and from the bold south coast of merry England hurled
his puny defiance at your heads-I mean head, but, somehow or
other, I'm getting off the line. Sir, can I take a holiday ? When was
I in a position to say "I won't," when you said You must? You
give the Lazy One a cheque. Why is it you are never at home when I
call, or if you are in," haven't got so much about you ? Now I un-
derstand why, in No. 55, my work was unusually heavy-in a mechani-
cal, not a literary point of view,-for the number was never so good
as when I wrote nearly every line! Now I understand why in one
week I had to write sly hits at politicians, a rap for the dramatists, a
racy article on the Roman question, besides putting the funny words
to several pictures. Why? because you cower before your other con-
tributors, and you bully me. You do-you know you do. You hinted
that I should have to draw the big picture as well. I said I'd try. I
feared you. Was I not locked into that horrid little back attic in
Fleet-street ? Ah wince, my editor, wince! Writhe under the lash, as
you've made me-but no matter: and after I'd done ten hours' work
of hard writing, on every possible subject in the funniest possible style,
didn't I manage to pick the lock, and sneak as far as the staircase
with a view to getting a humble suction at some neighboring
hostelrie ? and didn't you rush out upon me-you and your printers
and devils-and force me, fainting as I was, to finish my paper
on the Comic Guide to Dinner" P Where's my holiday? I've got
a back made to lie on as well as the Lazy One. You seem to
think it's only made to be laid on. Ugh! where's my holiday?
Didn't I ask you to let me go out for two hours last Sunday after-
noon ? and didn't you say yes," and then when I got to the area gate,
didn't you say you couldn't hear of it, and told the butler to bring me
back ? and then didn't I have to write five comic articles, bursting
with humour, on different topics of the day, before tea-time ? and all
this because your other contributors were out of town, and wouldn't
come up. To prevent exposure, I know you will give this to the
public as the work of a maniac; I shall comfort myself by saying that
it isn't. Now, softly, out of the back window-on to the leads--
hurrah! Farewell, Fleet-street! I'm away for my holiday. I shall
go and see the Lazy One on the downs, and shan't leave the place until
I make WILLUMs's Madge, the retriever, bite him through the leg.
Editor, sir, avaunt! Lazy One, I come! Whoop!
I run back to sign my name, BARNABY DRUDGE.

WHY are the Northerners and Southerners likely soon to become
friends again P--Because, at the rate they are going on, they will soon
come to the Union (workhouse).




I HA.VE found out a fact, I declare,
1 have found out a secret indeed,
But let me divulging forbear,
Some will say 'tis a barbarous deed;
I have found-open widely your eyes,
I have found-to be startled prepare-
That the country is-now for surprise-
A swindle, a sham, and a snare.
As indulging the sweetest of dreams,
I recline on this soft shady bank,
For valleys and hedgerows and streams,
You bountiful nature, 1 thank!
Ilow peaceful the prospect around,
How tuneful the wind through the trees
But chitch-oo !-so damp is the ground,
At-choo-ski!-that seems like a sneeze.
liow pleasant 'mid flowers and plants,
One's limbs on the verdure to sprawl,
But not when a number of ants,
Up your trousers capriciously crawl.
You inhale the warm breath of the south,
You look up to the bluest of skies,
When filling your eyes and your mouth,
Comes a swarm of the smallest of flies.
That rustic-that innocent lad,
Simplicity here take a hint,
(Whoso every third word is so bad,
I should blush to record it in print-)
Mnp t, be free from the vices of town,
Though the language lie uses is queer:
What! knocked his old grandfather down ?
Good gracious I and kicked him! oh! dear.
Where yon smoke has so gracefully curled,
O'er the roof which the ivy has crowned,
You say if there's peace in this world,
That is just where it ought to be found.
That porch with its roses trained o'er,
There enters nor anger nor strife-
Shrill tones and a slam of the door!
The man has a vixen for wife.
But twilight will bring its repose,
Oh! will it? when moths, or instead
Great earwigs creep into your clothes,
And crawl all about you in bed.
The country, indeed, would be right,
For quiet as long as you stay,
If dogs didn't bark all the Inight
And children squall all through the day.
Away to the lamp-lighted town,
Away to society's charms,
No moe I despairingly down
Shall sit in the Mugglcton Arms:
No more shall I list to their din,
And discussion of local affairs,
I shall take my true ease at my inn,
In my chambers up five pair of stairs.
Oh ye in the autumn who fly,
To rurality's depths for relief,
Be warned when these lines you espy,
Like me lest you come unto grief.
If you must take your holiday out,"
Pray take it where some one you know,
For alone going walking about,
You'll find is uncommonly "slow."

BULLET-IIEADED SURGEONS.-Somo of the doctors who have lately
visited GARIBALDI have asserted that the other doctors are wrong, and
that the bullet is still in the general's leg. Doctors proverbially dis-
agree, and who shall decide when they do ?" But in this instance,
having the opinion of PIOFESSOR PARBTIDGE to guide us, we beg to
inform the promulgators of the now theory that the bullet is not in
the ankle, and that the lead exists merely in their own brains.





[OCTOBER 25, 1862.

7TN who are weary of the
happiness of being child-
less, sometimes adver-
rise for childrento adopt.
It is unnecessary to aCd
that the people who do
this are all mad. It is
impossible to account
for their behaviour in
any other way. As the
ih umane physicians of
the present day agree
in considering that it is
Spolitic to humour a mo-
nomaniac whenever it is
practicable to do so, we
are not surprised to find
that an eminent brew-
ing, firm has published the following advertisement in the International
Exhibition Catalogue:-
Families supplied in Casks of 9, 18, and 36 Gallons.
We will not stop to inquire whence these gentlemen procure the
material which they undertake to retail; or how the babes "in the
wood" enjoy being cooped up by M sses. IND and Co., with the co-
operation of their cooper; or whether, in the event of the families so
suplplied looking an efficient "head," -that is to say, proving "dead"
when brought to light,-they could be said (having come from a
brewery) to be "still" born; or whether the female branches of such
families look upon their temporary prison as an article of dress, on
the ground that hoops enter into the composition of apparel as well as
into that of a barrel, because these questions all involve jokes of the
most execrable description, and do not at all affect the importance of
the matter at issue.
We will content ourselves by directing M FALCONERn' attention
to the important stage use to which this announcement may be
turned. Let an eccentric uncle leave a huge legacy to be equally
divided among fifteen nephews. At the expiration of the first year
after his death, let all those who remain childless give up their
legacies to be equally divided among those who have one or more
children. At the expiration of the second year, let all those who
have only one child, yield everything to such as have two or more.
At the end of the third year, let all who have only two children cede
everything to such who have three or more; and so on, until one
(the villain, who has thirty-five children to his brother's thirty-four)
remains solo legatee. Let it then be discovered that the scoundrel
has obtained an unfair advantage through the agency of a thirty-six
gallon cask of IND and Co.'s families; let everything revert to the
virtuous proprietor of the lawfully-begotten thirty-four, and we
promise him a run equal to the Colleen Bawn, Lord Dundreaery, or
.Peep oo' Day.

ARe many tickets for soup given away at Arbroath ?
Do the inhabitants of Ayr know how to raise the wind?
Are the people of Bakwell ever done brown ?
Do the men of Bangor thrash their wives ?
Are there any people in Bedford without a place to lay their heads ?
Is it possible to get metal to a white heat at Blackburn?
Are the inhabitants of Blisworth perfectly happy ?
Do any people run away from their creditors at Bolton ?
Have fire-engines been introduced at Burnley?
Are there many snug boxes at Chester ?
Do many sailors come from Crewe?
Are there many dear, good girls at Darlington?
Whon any of the inhabitants of Dewsbvry leave, are they mist ?
Are there many rolling stones" at Flint ?
Are the people of Glasgow fond of the bottle ?
Do the inhabitants of Gloucester consider themselves the cheese ?

A QUEITION FOR ROTHSCIIIn.D.-Is sunk capital the same as money
down ?

WHEN a man's opponents plentifully abuse him, you may be sure
he has punished them pretty severely. Now, no member of the
Liberal party has been more abused by the illiberal party than RALPH
BERNAL OSBORNE-or B. 0., as he is better known, although those
who call him so do not say B.O. to a goose. It is pretty clear, t
therefore, that he has earned the abuse of bigots, fanatics, rogues, and
Tories by his staunch and efficient support of that Liberal cause which
they hate.
When a young man, he entered the army as a captain of dragoons.
It is to this, perhaps, that he owes the slashing style whichmakes his
dragonnades so peculiarly unpleasant to those against whom they are
directed-as MESSRS. WHALLEY and NEWDEGATE can bear witness in
the most protestant manner. Tired, however, of the "heavies" of
military life, he turned his attention to political life, the "heavies" of
which (the gentleman last-named, for instance) are not so grateful as
they ought to be for that attention.
In 1841 he was the political light of Wycombe, though why he
should come in for so unimportant a place, it is hard to say. But,
though he chipped his shell at Chipping Wycombe, he came out in
full feather for another place. Middlesex snuffed out the Wycombe
representation, when it (we.presume "it" is; the right pronoun for
Middlesex) sent up BERNAL OSBORNE as its representative to the Par-
liament of 1847. By this time he had taken a position in the House;
for his rapid and brilliant attacks on his opponents had made the
silly dizzy-and even the DIZZY silly at times. The protection of
the voter, the extension of the franchise, toleration, non-intervention,
and economy, are all themes on which he has spoken to the delight of
his friends and the confusion of his foes, bringing to bear on the driest
and dreariest topics the riches of an original wit and the treasures of
a retentive memory, stored by the reading of the best authors who have
adorned our literature. But the same wit which has made him
popular "in the House and out of doors," has deprived of much of the
weightier popularity he deserves for more statesmanlike qualities.
His strategy as a debater is overlooked in the shower of rockets with
which he covers his advance, while he is too apt to sacrifice his skill
as an administrator to his love of skirmishing. When he might have
been glorifying himself at head-quarters, he was bearing the fatigues
of picket-duty in the van of the government he shared; for, in
1852, he was appointed Secretary for the Admiralty, when he made
some of his most telling speeches in defence of the ministry against
the Tory faction. In 1857, his connexion with the Admiralty led to
his contesting Dover-for which he was then returned, but ousted
afterwards in 1859, chiefly owing to his adoption of a policy, which
was more in accordance with probity than with dockyards. His peep
behind the scenes at this time supplied him with ample texts for
sermons on Admiralty mismanagement when he came into Parliament
again. For he was not long kept out of it. In the autumn of '59,
Liskeard-CHARLES BULLER' s Liskeard-managed to get rid of a little
gentleman in every respect-a political neutrality, appropriately
called GREY. With a "wild shriek of liberty," it called on BERNAL
OSBORNE to undertake its representation; for that borough he still
sits, ceterumque sedebit," if the town is wise.
That he will ever hold office under PALMERSTON again is not
probable; the dose of colchicum he administered to that sprightly
nobleman being, however well suited for his gout-but little in
accordance with his gout. But we prophecy that, in the day when
GLADSTONE assumes the ministerial bat6n, the witty Liberal of Liskeard
will hold an honourable command under him. The powerful opposi-
tion he brought against LORD PAn's pet fortification scheme is another
reason why he will never get an appointment under the parliamentary
general whom he besieged so straitly in his own forts. This is pretty
evident from the fact that the PREaIER has selected most unfit Secre-
taries of State, sooner than call in B. O.,-just as the besieged will
take to rats and shoes in preference to a surrender.
As a speaker, BERNAL OSBORNE is very telling. His attitudes are not
more graceful than those of our other orators; but when he puts his
hands under his coat-tails and bends forward, the words he utters are
worth hearing. They come out with the precision and force of WIrT-
wolUTH bolts, and with as brilliant flashes accompanying them. His
bon mots are the happiest the House ever produced. We have only space
to remind our readers of one. When the Marylebone vestry were furious
at his having called them "a set of political tinkers," he explained in
the readiest manner that it was his reporters, not he, who had ex-
aspirated them-he had only called them "political thinkers."


OCTOBER 25, 1862.] TF T. N
J Y T IS14~ ~ -~~~

FARMER.-One who cultivates the land by putting as much into
it and getting as much out of it as he can. When he cannot get any
more, he takes advantage of his privilege as an Englishman, and
begins to grumble. There is no certain cure for the farmer's com-
plaint known in the Pharmacopeia.
FASHION.-An invisible tyrant, making slaves of most of us, and for
whom the female population go through an amount of toil et moil, that
makes them change considerably from what they wear. It would seem
that, whatever the costume may be, at any cost you must adopt it.
Among the changes that are taking place in the morning or walking
dress of the male sex, the growing custom of wearing knickerbockers
must be recorded. These are wide, loose trowsers to below the knee
-hence, "knee-go-buck-here,"-with a mouth as wide as a crocodile
above, and all leg-gaiters below. This fashion, copied from the French
Zouave, shows that the English are uniting the Zouaviter in mode
with the fortiter in re. In female apparel, fashion has exhibited a
tendency to work in a circle; the hoop, under the name of crinoline,
having come with a call from the fashionable playground of the last
century, and making a far thicker girl of the modern damsel than the
far-thin-gal of our great-great-grandmothers.
FAT.-An oily concrete substance deposited in the cells under tho
skin, and recently ascertained to consist of two subtances, olein and
stearis, the latter, perhaps, being very useful to the small vessels
about the alimentary canal, where proper stearin seems very requisite.
Fat is of various degrees of consistence, as in tallow and oil, and is
not all soft, as we sometimes meet with it all lard. When it is our
fatality to become stout, we are not inclined to run at a high tempera-
ture, though that is the nature of fatty substances generally. In old
age, when we lose the support of the adipose tissue, the human body
becomes less erect, and to sustain the slightest amount of fatigue we
require a stick. On this it may be observed, as a deduction quite in
accordance with the belief of every physiologist, it is the loss of fat
which makes an old man lean.
FATE.-Destiny, which determines our actions and forms the mould
in which our lives are cast. It is consolatory to remember when we
find some ill due, that the mould is always associated with the must.
A fatalist, who believes that a certain thing must be done or undone,
whether we like it or not, would have, at dinner, to look upon a half-
cooked leg of mutton as his inevitable fate. .Instead of attributing the
cause to the cook, he would resign himself to his destiny, which had
caused him to meet with something that could really not be helped.
That all events are determined by fate was the belief of the Stoics,
who argued that everybody had a certain lot to get through, and that
those who put up with a great deal ought to be perfectly contented.
The passenger on a Gravesend steamboat who is carried beyond his
destination would have thus to believe that his being taken on to
Sheerness was, in obedience to a law framed before he was born, a
matter of sheer necessity. In accordance with this doctrine, a fate is
a necessity, or something above us ; and when we submissively resign
ourselves to the horticultural fete, we therefore always look upon an
umbrella as a necessity. That which is becomes unalterable ; and we
ro always justified in telling the street crossing-sweeper, as we pass,
that he is not, in his condition, to expect any change. His poor fate
may, however, be made a subject of philosophical inquiry.
FEELING.-One of the five senses, and which, perforce, hence is the
one with which we perceive external objects by contact. When we
come in contact with an object in the dark, we know whether it is hard
or soft by this power of perception. We all of us ascertain the kind
of feeling by the touch, but if all be true asserted by some medical
mesmerists, who, by putting their thumb and fingers only on the head
of a patient, are stated to have cured any afflicted person who came to
hand, the power of healing by the touch is much more remarkable
than is generally supposed. In a more extensive sense feeling is used
to denote sympathetic sensibility. There is always a great amount of
sympathy in a crowd, and thus it happens that when surrounded by a
number of strange persons, we are tolerably sure, if we have anything
in our pockets, to have a fellow feeling in that place, and under those

A NATURAL SEUITrrU.-As the Lord Mayor elect is a ROSE, his
talk will of course be flowery! People, in addressing him, will have
to say, "By your lordship's leaves "
POLITICAL CIESS.-In expectation of a revolt of the negroes,
LINCOLN declares the emancipation of the slaves. Black to move,"
but he don't. Check i "


Curious Fact.-A very hot day was lately experienced by the inhabi-
tants of Suffolk, who have nearly perished from Sufl'lk-ation.
Any state of the atmosphere is close weather for misers.

20 TM Thorough Fare held, Cheapsido.
21 Tu Linendrapers' Volunteer Corps practise counter-marching.
22 W The band of FUN parades Fleet-street, playing FuNtesias.
23 Ti Revolutionary Meeting to propose using the houses of
Parliament as Barry-cades.
21 F Mudlarks' and Scavengers' Festival at the offices of an
In-sewer-ance Society.
25 S Battle of Something or other, or somebody born or died.
Date unknown.

Dock leaves in a garden we can never recommend. If, however, the
young gardener insists upon their culture, the best specimens of the
dock leaf will be found in the Newgate Calondar."
Cultivate flowers of rhetoric. If your verbiage be too luxuriant,
clip your words and cut your sentences as short as possible.
In answer to many kind inquiries, our florist has not yet discovered
the new vegetable P-cumber, which is to be the agreeable companion
of the Q-cumber.
When the musk plant shoots, it is with a musket.
To plant savoys you must pave the way for a Savoy-yard.
Prune off all superfluous leaves, stalks, and stems; then cut away
yourself as quietly as possible.
Pitch into all esculent roots; say you won't have it any more, or
tell them to call again to-morrow-anything, in fact, for a quiet lift,
which should be the gardener's great object.
No rose is so tidy in its habits as the prim-rose, tlereforo do not
neglect it.
Go to your hairdresser's and' get a crop. le will, perhaps, offer
you a fine specimen of the nar-scissors.

Gentian.-Don't havo anything to do will Ilhe gtn uians, inils;l you
would fill your garden with thie snobbishunsi, who are of the same
Devil in a JBush.-Ans annual of no great beauty. If, however, you
would keep the devil in good order, see that it doesn't como in coin-
tact with the early deuce of the morning.
Egg-plant.-Get an egg, extract by suction lto yolk thereof, then plncf
it on the breakfast table. Your rather or other relative( fond of eggs
will then recogniso the plant, and you will rejoico with him or her
To rear an Oakf.-Bury an acorn several feet above thU level of tlh sea;
breathe lightly on the soil, and disturb the fine loamy crust flth
formed with the outer part of the forefinger ; sing Oaky-lpoky,"
and, by giving a dexterous movement of the left eye, you inny
correctly add "winkey; but fun," the word in the old lit orgy
is exceptionable, and after all has little or nothing to do with tih
noble tree whoso nurture should be alike your waking thought and
your reposing comfort.

THE other day a policeman was summoned by a skittle-sharp for
taking too deep an interest in his movements in Hyde Park, where he
was in company with some other "magsmcn." Ils advocate com-
plained that this class of men were more sensitive to any rudeness
on the part of the police than other people would be." On the saono
day MR. ROEBUCK wrote to the Times to complain of a statement it
had made to the effect that he was interested in an Austrian railroad.
" He does not understand," he said, "what the Times has to do with
his movements on the continent." Well, it is very rude of that journal
to keep an eye on him when he is "travelling privately with his family,
holding no public office, and performing no public duty." But by
writing this waspish letter, does not Mal. Rtomr:ex appear to belong
to this class of men, which is more sensitive to any rudeness on the
part of the press than other people would bo ? "

T[OCTOBER 25, 1862.


-r '~7---)

-i --- -\- -' -,-



"NAY, be not contented to bury such charms
In a village, unseen and unknown ;
Oh! leave your seclusion and fly to my arms-
Lot me call you my dearest-my own.
"Oh why should the gaze of those soft dreamy eyes,
That can melt into love with their beams,
Be wasted in watching the fields and the skies,
Or their lovely reflection in streams.
"Such delicate ears, too, and chiselled like those,
Must they wake to the low of the kine-
To the warble of larks-or the cawing of crows-
Or the squeak and the grunt of the swine ?
" And oh! that a voice with its silvery ring,
And a liquid-note cadence like thine ;
Must it ever be left in the wild wood to sing,
Or to call in the chickens to dine ?
"Away, then, dear maiden, and leave the green field
To the farmer, the flock, and the herd ;
Only think what a time at your feet I have kneeled,
Then come, love, to town-like a bird."
So those were the words of the gay lover's strain,
And he finished his speech with a sigh;
While he stood on the platform awaiting the train,
And the maiden gushed forth her reply :

"Oh! THOMAs, you've taken me quite by surprise,"
Here the up-train approached, and he took
Her hand while she whispered, I've soft dreamy eyes,
But I'm not such a fool as I look!"

The Petition of a Hypothetical Individual, generally known as Lord
Macaulay's New Zealander," humble shioweth:
THAT your petitioner has been kept on an arch of London-bridge,
sketching St. Paul's, for the last twenty-two years; and that such
employment, for such length of time, has become, to say the least of
it, monotonous.
That, during the twenty-two years aforesaid, your petitioner has
never been suffered, for one moment, to stand, or lounge, or lie, or walk
about; but that the sitting posture has been rigorously insisted on.
That, during the twenty-two years aforesaid, jocose mention of
your petitioner, as engaged in the sedentary pursuit above mentioned,
on the shattered arch before recited, has been made in 15,013 leading
articles, 17,134 comic paragraphs, and 2,000,005 speeches in both
houses ; without taking into consideration the numberless paraphrases
of his title, the wit of which paraphrases your petitioner professes
himself unable to discover.
That your petitioner is tired and disgusted, and believes the British
public to be the same. That it would be very desirable that the next
editor, penny-a-liner, London correspondent, author, or M.P., who
shall make mention of your petitioner, should be done something to;
what, your petitioner will leave to your own ingenuity to devise.
And your petitioner will ever sketch.


OCTOBER 25, 1862.]



I" 1 "

(Helir-An Old One.)
AND did you ne'er hear of a jolly young nobleman,
Who at FOWKE'S Barn was contented to ply,
How he feathered his nest with great skill and dexterity
By becoming a pastrycook's secretary.
IIe took his share of the ha'pence steadily,
And isn't inclined to disgorge very readily;
And he carried it off with so lofty an air,
Did this nobleman, vowing his profits were fair.
He promised his aid to get VEILLARD the contract,
For a fee that the Frenchman could barely afford,
Though he promised to pay-up a pittance "per caput"
To ensure the good word of a possible lord.
And so it turned out that the Royal Commission
(It might-or might not be-on his requisition),
Appointed the Frenchman as pastrycook there,
And this nobleman quickly came down for his share.
But so terribly dear was this jolly young nobleman,
That the pastrycook netted small profit in cash,
And as might be expected, the end of the business
Was this -the restaurateur came to a smash !
And the creditors asked why nobility's scion
Should take of receipts thus the share of the lion;"
And public opinion made bold to declare
That this nobleman's contract was not very fair.
Oh! to gather the pence at the pier of Cadogan,
Or at old Chelsea Bun-house to sell penny buns,
As halving the profits of cooks and of waiters
Is just as well suited for noblemen's sons.
The honourable's claim for percentage was s abby,
He asked more than was fair, like extortion e cabby,
And yet with an injured and innocent air
Did this nobleman vow he'd done all on the square.
With his moderate talents wrapt up in a napkin,
And the napkin tucked jauntily under his arm,
He should watch-as that new lord-in-waiting, a waiter-
O'er the business he thus condescended to farm.
And, when he'd supplied bread, meat, salad, and tatur,
Have a right to say, "Please to remember the waiter !"
Ohl! handing a plate, or removing one's chair,
Well, this nobleman wouldn't be out of place there.

How much wood is required to make a sunbeam ?

WE copy the following advertisement out of a Peruvian paper. It
will perhaps be as well to inform our readers lthat Tumnibcz is ia lilihe
place where there neither is, or ever lias boon, any society : and in
spite of the attractive notice put forward by the spirited nidvrtliser,
there seems to be but very small chance of anlly social inipro vinii nIt.
in the condition of that Peruvian Iaradi:se, of which the e\x-1%t oliftfier
of the Joseph Grinnell is the enterprising ADiIAM, anil beouitill
and accomplished Mas. PERLEY the fascinating E\r.
T' having located himself at Tnimbez, has leased this splendid andl com-
modious edifice from O iL AI.ECK," who ils forlt so 11ll!': Ii lt iod lIt li '. 1 i\ i'l
such universal satisfaction to his friends in thel whaling i ltee. allli Mil.. Pli.ll:v
matterss himself that the house, under his maniemnt, will usltain ilite mielt'
reputation which it, has hitherto borne, viz., lintt of being uIneIuiCled b :1y .1
other establishment of the kind on thie coast.
Extensive improvements alre projected, nild Ia Billilard Tal'tle ind 1l' in) \ill lie
added to the attractions of thle house as soon as the pliolits wtiTinIIt li' (,xpelli,,.
Shipmasters and their wives, by residing here dulri.,. their slity in piori, \I, i1
be honoured with introductions to lhe ti;lIbirl' oiey in Tnlhlie,, and li :- ,li\\ I
the enchanting and romlanltic se nory t i.- i1, ul its suburbs. TI-'he Ol lnitl'iil
anu accomplished MRS. Palltdt .r is also at, pr I es i .. ;i lessons in lii nglis, ill
order that no charms may be wanting to i) 1 I.. ii Washlinptonl Ilol :
second paradise, that no otno can behold without rapturoully exclailtlliig, in
the words of the poet-

At the repeated solicitations of his many fri-indst, l I. Prni.:r will niorii-
modate the whalers with the fresh recruits and stiipplies thitt they mity r'euii e.
Highest premiums given for drafts on the United SLttes iand Eulrope.
N.B.-Inquire for the Washington Ilotsl. All others of the sami iinmo arl
mere imitations of the grand origi:il. WI,,t In II. IEun. Y
E'x-1lst office f the biar J.osr h (rinlIill.
From paragraph No 2 of this poetical notice, the reader may fairly
infer that W. IH. PERiLEY is ahard-headed Scotclman. In tih glorious
prospect of such extensive improvements as shall include the
unwonted luxuries of a billiard-table and a piano, by which tlhoutlitl-
ful provision the ex-officer caters for the highly cultivated indi-
viduals of both sexes, he does not forget to think twice before openiiin
his purse; and the result of this reflection is, that lie cautiously adds,
"as soon as the profits warrant tih expense" "If you din'tl
patronize me," says PItL.MY, in effect to his friends, "if you dt('t,
keep up your patronage, my brave boys, my whalers, you won't hlav
your billiard-table ; and as to a piano, dispel tlie vain hopl from your
minds." "But come to the Washington h Io, el regularly, 1 dl spend
your money freely, then," says cautious WILLInM, I doln'( know htl
what something may be done in the cue and pedal line."
One would be led to think, from tih first part of parngrnlih No. :,
that the feelings of the landlord lhad for thlo minuteli got lte belttr of
MR. PEIlLEY'S love of unswerving Itru ll. (f whom colliis the Il' licloist
society in Tumbcz P The society of Tumbez, in any form, used to hb
like the Spanish fleet in the Critic, inot to be seen, boeanno it was inoi
yet in sight. Used to be no society I grantI you," says polite P]HII.mlY,
" but observe the context." Why, what could we have been thinking
about! Society is not the lovely partner of the IPE'LEit losom-- wo
had almost said with her pearly bosom-taking lessons in choice
English for the express purpose of enjoying intellectual conversation
with the polished shipmasters and their elegant mates ; thus render-
ing the Washington Hotel a second Patradise, being, on tho whole, a vast
improvement upon the first Eden, which, in respect of English society,
shipmasters, and their wives, was curiously deficient. In saying good-
bye to W. H. P. and his beautiful spouse, we wish tlhei every possible
success, and hope soon to hear of such an aggregate of profits, as shall
enable the shipmasters, their wives, the casual whalers, and the
whole population of Tumbez, to enjoy, in the pleasiiPnt exercise of I li
billiard-table, and in the dulcet tones of a first-rate BJroadwood, tllo
real diversions of Perley.

WHEN you start in business, make up your mind not to chisel or be
Be liberal to those you employ; it will then be plain to all that you
are no screwdriver, and as each day comes round, you will find your-
self all square with everybody.
Make it a rule that any man going into the workshop should scrapr
his boots. Should the rule be broken, impose a fine of nixponc"c,
which may be called a tin tax.
Try all in your power to get your men out of any vice they may
have got into ; for instance, if you saw them screwed, you, of course,
would conclude they had been to an ale-house, and warn them thai,
drinking to excess in the morning will surely bring then to an early

___ 1~_1~__


[OCTOBER 25, 1862.




DEAR'ANNE,-In consequence of my husband's decent illness, his
pallet has become rather dedicate, and therefore the usual homely
dishes, such as joints and Chops, are not exactly the things to suit
him. We wanted some nice little French dishes, petty kick shoes,
you know, which are a great trouble to make and none to eat. Well,
thinking that our own cook ought to be able to extricate these sorts
of dainties, which would be a great thing for our dinner parties when
we return to the country, besides a saving in the long run, I said one
morning to MRS. PRIMKETT, my dressmaker, "I wish I could get
CIrALOTTE (that's our new cook) some good destruction in the cul-
minary art." No sooner were the words out of my mouth, than MRs.
PRIMKETT says, "Why, miss (she always will call me miss), you
should get her properly vitiated in the elephants of the best French
cousin at the School of Cookery." A school for cooks I couldn't
have believed it; but when one thinks of it, you know there's nothing
more natural. So having asserted that the culinary glasses were
held at a house in Berners-street, Oxford-street, I went there to make
the necessary derangements. Berners-street, you must know, is, con-
sidering its proclivity to the great thoroughfare, a peculiarly quiet
and attired spot. In this neighbourhood, I am deformed, are gathered
together a great number of artists (painters, you know, ANNE), who
seem to think it a good place for their studious and attilas.
On arriving at No. 14, we settled that before coming to any seclu-
sion on the subject, we would first take a turn over the establishment,
and view the working of the cistern. We dissented the staircase, and
entered a specious kitchen, where (it was rather late in the afternoon)
about twenty females of the opposite sect were busying themselves
repairing the six o'clock dinner. I never saw so many single females
all engaged at once. They were all cooks from different families
(some families, too, of the very highest feeding in the land), whose
masters and mistresses having paid so much a lesson, or detracted for
a dozen lessons, the cheaper way, had sent them here to learn their
business from a great master of the art, who, in popery parsony, took
care that their destruction was carried on under his own eye.

SIGNOR ALDROVANDI, the professor cook, to whom all the pupils
look for destruction, is dressed in a white jacket, a white apron, and a
paper cap of the same colour. His plan is to draw up the bill of fare
for the day, then, when his pupils are all standing in a line, he sub-
scribes each dish to them,-in fact, gives them a regular lecture.
After they have required a theological knowledge of their work, the
next step is the practical abdication of the principle just incalculated.
Accordingly, the signor gives to every individual her pan and her
apartment, and while he, in a centurion voice, calls out the different
egregious to be used in the proses, the cooks set to work with a will,
any difficulty being at once explained in a lucy style by the professor,
who, though speaking a direlict impounded of English, Italian, and
French, which Mn. H. said was a new way he had for dressing tongues,
was quite ineligible to the young women, who obeyed him as readily
as if they'd been accustomed to be under him all their lives.
Ladies attend the signor's class in the morning for the purpose of
learning how to make ices and fancy things of that sort. When the
dinner is quite ready to be served, the professor calls round him all
his pupils, and questions them as to what they have been doing. The
examination proving satisfactory, the dinner is dished, and served at
the marble don't (a foreign style of dining altogether) upstairs at a
very moderate dandriff. We had soles o gratton; baked paddock
oh for an Italian; praised neck of mutton oh shivery ; cuddle its
for maintenance; pomdy tear, very like potatoes, and I think they
were; cuddle its de pork sore stomach, a very nasty name, but a nice
dish made of pork chops, onions, and tomatas. An omelette o sweet I
took, fancying it by the name to be jam, but it turned out oysters.
What a language for astronomy is French So good-bye!-I remain
your affectionate sister, MARY ANNE HODGKINSON.

A PARADox.-Standing in your own light is equivalent to getting
into lux way. [Oh!]

OCTOBER 25, 1862.]

:-T N.

WE have received a second contribution from the editor of the in-
teresting volume known as "Individuals of the Period," which will
give our readers some idea as to the antecedents of a few more of the
eminent writers who have competed for our prize.
S-A, G-E A-G-T-S, philosopher and divine, was born in the
Nevskoi Perspective, a good many years ago. Came to England as a
missionary from the Greek church, and edited Chat. Afterwards
accepted an appointment on the Saturday Review, and founded tho
Conservative Chronicle. Is fondofarchitectureandalliteration. Beloved
by all who know him. Has published the Seven Tons of Gammon ;"
the "Paddington Beerage;" Twice all round my Hat;" Captain
Strangerous;" "Dejected Names and Addresses;" and a variety of
terse scientific articles.
-D, C-PT-N M-NE, wild ]unntcr, was horn in the green Isle of
Erin. Afterwards visited the bright and beautiful land of Anahuac.
Cae.,kill a cougar. Knows French. Could look after a buffalo, and
haqno objection to publishers. In stature is Heroclen. Foreign
countries preferred.
-Ex-ns-N, RE-P W-Do, was raised in Massachusetts, where he
isastill located. His proclivities are Platonic, and his metaphysical
fijings ditto. Never served in the army; consequently has not learnt
bow t.: skedaddle. His fame is European. One of the most remark-
ablp men of his country, which is one of the most remarkable we know.
C,-LL-NS, W-LK-E, refuses to furnish any information, on the
grinnd that his history is a tale of terror.
S,D--s--LI, B-J-M-N, was nicknamed right honourable by his
eQmpies. Is of Moorish extraction. In early youth adopted the Mahome-
tea faith; but became a Mormon on being offered an appointment at
Ultah. Obtaining a good situation in England, was converted to Pro-
testantism, which he renounced in favour of the Hebrew faith on a
vacancy occurring in the office of Chief Rabbi. May be considered
slbtly inconsistent; but has obviously been actuated by no selfish
motives in his changes of opinion. That they happen to have paid
bin very well is merely a coincidence.
4M-NT-N-u, H-B--T.-He has long resided near the lakes.
His earlier writings were chiefly on political economy. His style can-
not be surpassed. Was married a few years ago to a Miss ATKINSON,
in conjunction with whom he published a series of letters on the laws
of man's development.
L-v-- CH-S, mariner, is very fond of being upset in the
Mediterranean. Published "Harry Golliker," an allegorical romance;
S"Handbook of Galway;" and "A Day's Ride, a Night's Agony."
Y-T-s, E. H., an ardent admirer of MR. THACKERAY, is one of
ihe most painstaking of modern mathematicians. Has lived with Ma.
BABBAGE ever since the year 1824. Published My Haunts," a de-
scription of various observatories; and "After Office Hours; or,Flights
with the Telescope." Ascended Mont Blanc in search of the true
cdimeter of the hippocampian parallax. Was unable to find it. Smokes.
.;--NN-Y, J-s, was born, of humble extraction, in Little Britain.
Served at the jolly old battle of Aboukir in his early youth. Is addicted
tii'?neer at classic lore, and advances theories of a wildly demo-
ora.ti chalr:i.:.r. Much attached, however, to jolly old Britannia.
Txi-:i t.:, get nao Parliament. Very nearly succeeded. Would have
been ri y mjL out of place, as he is a brilliant speaker and a witty
cPinre r i.n,.:t Author of "A Claret Cup;" "Biscuits and Grog;"
'Gia.S' !ng and Sandwiches;" "Lectures on Satire and Saturators;"
"inog M.Albs," etc.
A r r: r', H -NS Cn-ST-N.-Once upon a time there was a little
boy, arJ Liu Ljane was HANs C- N ANDERSEN. Now it would take
us t:.. lI.:g a t, me, dear boys, if we were to tell you all that we know
ofthim, so we will not do so; but we will tell you that he is a good
man, and that he has made all our hearts light by his tales, and that
we love him-oh so much.
,TR-LL-PE, AN-NY has peculiar habits of composition. Writes
o horseback and in railway trains. Composed six novels whilst on a
passage to America. Published seven of them on his return. Is fond
of the clergy. The clergy do not always reciprocate the feeling.

T. I !i:,; LIBERTY WITH FREEDOM.--LINCOLN candidly states that
he ronlry :-oncipates the niggers as "a measure for the preservation
of the Ui rroad States Government." We should have thought it had
black Lk unar.j enough for its preservation already.
ii': .. r. TO LITERARY MEN.-Authors, for the future, are to burn
*cor.mp ...;e '.:.in candles!
SWHY is a professed joker like a publican ?-Because he's a licensed

WE understand that the S. E. and L. B. and S. C. lines are about
to issue the subjoined code of bye-laws, which iavo received tile full
and unqualified approval of the loard of Trade:-
1. Every passenger who is permitted to travel by 'ither of lltho
lines will look upon the permission as a favour not to be constructoI
into a precedent.
2. A passenger who wishes to procure a ticket for any place on the
company's line will be required to produce-
(a) His certificate of birth.
(b) Marriage certificate of parents.
(c) An assurance that lie is free from debt.
(d) Two respectable sureties (being householders),
3. A passenger applying for a ticket will approach the booking-
office attended as follows:-
Policeman to clear the way
A porter. A volunteer band. Another porter.
M. LEOTARD (driving his own trapeze).
Dancing wildly, and blacking his own boots,
His two sureties weeping bitterly.
The arms of NORFOLK HOWARD, EsQ.
(A bug improper on a human being seratchalt).
Newspaper boys,
(With a hymn).
4. Nobody will be allowed to enter a train in motion; but anybody
travelling in such a train without having observed the neoussary
forms, may at any time be pitched out of window.
5. Any damage done to the company's road by such forcible ejec-
tion, to be made good by the offender (should he survive).
6. No passenger will be allowed, under any circumstances, to travel
by any train which stops at the station to which lie is going. Any
passenger so travelling to be treated under bye-law 4.
7. The above bye-laws are subject to any amount of modification
in the case of a passenger who threatens the company with legal pro-

i*i T appears tlat thlo Itrcir oITo. W.
'ltHERa wi: CowPER is tihe "' mysterios in-
Sfluence hinted at in tih press as
5 BE A urging the Ihrinh to Siundy rii.1- ,
N/ ing in the park. l'or if the pri'tsl
RO '\& incitied the people, the mlinil'r
N in"itedi the priests. .11 has, it
S'appears, been licensing the park-
SlYDE PARK preaching of howling flunatics,
'whoso ignorant ravinjs are noti
O\ N less revolting than the shallow
S l:SU N blasphemy of' tho ragged atlliislt
S F freqiuenting the samei spot. I, ii
VVEAI at *pity t.ho rightlihoinrl,'alo gentil.-
IL P man d(id not attend the lmeertie
Ti i hi o thus pro"ii ot1.A 1 uiiig.,
h lavo attecpted an address (as I.
did once before in the l' ark), anil
the Irish argyunici 'ltn, o l tii h iinu ,
might have carried conviction f
a head impenetrable to other logic. Should the return of iine(wcat(lhe
lead to the recurrence of those disgraceful riots, we Itrnst Ile umngi!-
trrcy will do their duty, and severely punish the lliilr lION. WIl,lal i
COWPER, M.P., for being "guilty of conduct likely to provoke a breach
of the peace."

WE extract the following significant statement from a daily paper :-
"ImaPOuTATION or GOTS' lIAiu.-The importation of;ro:it lini', n nrti ile whici
is used very extensively in the nmanufic(ture of wigs, whiskerl, al or il i hirl ul
appendages, it largely on tie increase."
Here is a kno: k-down to English vanity! Thoeo ahiundant lioardl'
and glossy mustaches, which have created so nuch rnrprisn( anld
astonishment among foreigners accustomed to reward us m: : a rle:m-
shaven race, arc-tell it not in Gatil !--false, shains, dlr'isioins lv.'
delightful for ANGELINA to contemilhul tlhat those softl and flowing .
appendages which so much improve dear' CIIArlIES'S appearance, M:d
which she has so often tenderly caressed in the l:wcet inioollighl,, ari
the produce of-a go.t's back A pretty caper (that woe ibloulil
invoke Latirity in euchl a cause!) indeed!


_I(jl ~_~______

Fp TJ F [OCTOBER 25, 1862.

. :. ., ,. -- -.. : ------ --.. ",, ., ,'!7^ , ,t ; ; < f ) I



Air-" Good-bye, sweetheart, good-bye."
MY pastry's light, the crust is flaky,
Of all meat-piemen I am chief,
The veal is young, the ham is streaky,
And sound the beef-and sound the beef.
Then sink all doubts, and come to try,
My cheapness you should not despise,
For you may trust me when I cry-
Good pies, all hot, good pies
Good pies, all hot, good pies!
Yes, you may trust me when I cry-
Good pies, all hot, good pies!
Though bread goes up, though meat is rising,
To swell your bakers' bills, I fear,
And make the butcher's score surprising,-
Yet I'm not dear-yet I'm not dear.
And since of flesh and flour I buy
The best the London mart supplies,
I don't deceive you when I cry-
Good pies, all hot, good pies !
Good pies, all hot, good pies!

POOR G. F. TRAIN, "the even tenour of whose way" was disturbed
by MR. BERESTORD HOPE, has taken a return ticket to New York,
where he is abusing England and the English, because he hopes to
gain by it, just as he used to praise them-for the same reason. We
are truly sorry to see a man, who would have made a respectable
auctioneer, or a superior touter at a watering-place, descending to
become the mouthpiece and hanger-on of MR. GORDON BENNETT. He
is one of those unfortunate men whose talents, not sufficient to raise
them to eminence, are yet more than sufficient to facilitate their
degradation, and who are hurried on by a train of circumstances over
which they have no control.

called the Man of December." What a pity it is for Italy that he
doesn't change himself into the Man of March! "
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT That.-A man may "beat time" for
years, but Time is sure to beat him at last!-[Not from the Musical
NEW APPOINTMENT.-AS guardian of the peace in the parks : Rain

I don't deceive you, though I cry- gj The SECOND Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with highly-
Good pies, all hot, good pies! finished Comic Engravings by talented artists, and Hwmourous
Articles by distinguished writers, is now ready, handsomely bound
S in Magenta cloth, gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
CONTRInUTION FROM DARNLEY.-Why is a woman deformed when Also, the Title, Preface, and Index to the SECOND Volune of FUN,
she is mending stockings ?-Because her hands are where her feet forming an Extra Number, price Id.
ought to be. Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d. each.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-October 25, 1802.

NOVEMBER 1, 1862.



THE FOOL'S ZANIES."-Twelfth Night, act i. se. 5.

So many people complain of the difi-
culty of obtaining comfortable lodgings,
that we feel sure that the following
advertisements will be hailed with delight
as holding out advantages seldom nmt
with. Tle first runs as follows:-
G ENTLEMEN desiring superior board imd
residence lan be received in t privlat
musical family on moderate terms.
Of course a musical family will ensure
perfect harmony to the boarder, whose
life will be a concerted piece-ending
perhaps in a duet, for it is fair to pre-
sume the musical family includes solle
daughters. The only drawback we can
see to the advertisement, is the possibility
of incompatibility of musical tastes anl
talents. The notice should have avoided
this by a clearer statement--s thus:
'A lover of B:nETIIOVN nnay Iinl a coml-
fortable homo, etc.; or Two bassi
can be accommodated with board and
lodging;" or "A tenor can be received ;"
or Convenient residence for a niezzo-
soprano, five minutes' walk of etl city."
The second advertisement is a marvel
even in these days of wonderful advertise-
A LADY, residing in a imanll cottagL in a
pretty village, fifteen ililes from ,to\\ ,
containing four good rloonm, with servan(\'l
room, kitchen, two capital cellars, and i Hian11ll
garden, and partly furnished, to bo taken for
four months at 20s. per week.
There is a little obscurity in the wording
of this. The composition is faulty ; but
you cannot expect everything for twenty
shillings a week. Is it the lady, or the
cottage, or the pretty village, that is
fifteen miles from town, and contains
four good rooms ? We have no diffi-
culty in finding out to which the
"partly furnished" refers. A ladywho
wishes to be taken-not for better or
worse-but for four months, along with
a small cottage, with tlhe advantages of
good cellars and a garden, must be only
partly furnished in the upper stories.

MR. TRAIN's recent speech at Philadelphia was but imperfectly
reported in the columns of our daily contemporaries. We hasten to
supply, from authority equally private and reliable, some'of the more
conspicuous omissions.
MR. TRAIN (who was received with howls of welcome) observed:-
" Here we are again. Not one or two of us, but a rich and hearty
lump of American manhood, full of pulpy fragrance, and conscious
of a civilizing mission. That's what's the matter! (Sensation.) That
is why the European despots dread our humblest caucus. We are
the brightest and smartest specimens of the Caucasian race. Mentally
we are Titanic; physically, we are spry and graceful. As for our
women, look at MRs. BLOOMER As for our men, look at me Ain't
I curly? (Cries of You air, old hoss, you air!') I know I am.
Huzza for the star-spangled banner! (Shouts that made the welkin
ring.) I know the Britishers well. I have fed their editors, and
subsidized their dukes. I have been behind the scenes. (Cries of
' G long, then! Tell us what eventuated !') They are a nation of
cowards. Their boxer, SAYERS, is an absurdly small man, and yet he
had the arrogant presumption to stand up against our gigantic
HEENAN. Or any other man! That's what's the matter! Where are
we now? I believe sincerely that LORD PALMERSTON stabbed the
ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, with a view to appropriating his eccle-
siastical emoluments. The BISHOP or OXFORD saw the deed, and that
is why he was not himself made primate. This is well known in
England. England herself is but a province of France. The Times
is edited by M. DE LA GUERRONIERE. The social leaders in the Daily
Telegraph are written by JULES JANIN. The English drama-English
did I say ? I believe sincerely that SHAKSPEARE was an American!-is

dead. They had to send for FECITER and KRUEaGE!. before they could
play Hamlet and Othello. All the clergy are drunkards. The women
lose their teeth at twenty-four. Look hyar! (Mim. TRAIN exhibited a
molar, amidst much hilarity, which he said had fallen from a maid of
honour at that age.) How superior are we! In this favoured land,
female loveliness is far more enduring. We members of tli longer
sex (yells of hilarity) never wear upon our countenances that sallow
and careworn appearance which, thanks to his excessive chewing,
marks the visage of the English farmer. They are a nation of paupers.
ROTHSCHILD once had to borrow three-and-sixpence from our ambas-
sador to meet a bill which was drawn upon him to that amount by
BARING BROTHERS, whoare notoriously hard-up. There is not a single
shin-plasterin the land! That'swhat's the matter! Theiraristocrats
are insolent and supercilious. During the whole of my residence in
England, I was never invited to dine with the DUKE OF CAMRIIIDGE. One
of the fondest hopes of my life has been to place BILLY BARLOW, the real
popular leader, upon the English throne. If any body will lend me
twenty pounds, I will go back at once, and do it! (Considerable
silence; one individual buttoned the pocket of his continuations.) Very
well; then I won't! I go for President. LINCOLN is a good man,
but he hasn't my flow. He said to me himself,' Iow you dew go on I'
SEWARD has pulverized Loan RUSSELL. I go on a broad plain plat-
form. Let us cut off the head of every Britisher in the country,
except their ambassador; and let's tar and feather him! Frequently,
Iused tospit upon their bruisers. If there happens to be an English-
man in this room, I will pound him into eternal smash before you
could telegraph JACK ROBINSON! If--"
An Englishman (quietly):-" May I have the pleasure of an inter-
view with MR. TRAIN after the meeting is over ?"
Ma. TRAIN (about to leave the building):-" Not if I know it! "


______ __

1 _______ __ _~_ _

F T I.T. [NOVEMBER 1, 1862.

NLY the
( other day,
dear Mr.
-- j Editor, I was
Sl, engaged in
a discussion
with EDawIN,
S t concerning a
S topic which
Swill, I hope,
'- --',- boshortlyset
Sat rest. I
tions as to the probe refer to the
in our
a y chu. rch. u My
p en misguided
y s va a ED, who,
I am sorry
to say, do-
lights in overthrowing the respectable constitutional notions in which
dear mamma educated me, interruptedmo this morning in my specula-
tions as to the probable successor to the primacy of York, by asking,
hat is the use of a bishop I wonder, dear Mr. Editor, that the
anchovy toast lihe was eating lidid't choke him, on the spot. The use of a
bishop P Why, where on earth does his use end ? When he preaches his
annual charity sermon, even' people who are not, as a rule, punctual
hrtch-gocrs, go to hear what hiis lordship has to say. And doesn't he
deliver an occasional charge to the clergy of his diocese? And goodness
otaly kot is what would happen to the Church of England if he ever
neglected to doso? And then, isn't ho a lord? and don't he sib in
the oouse to oppose e disreputale divorce measures, and that atrocious
bill about a deceased wife's sister ? Don't they sometimes sanctify
aristocratic unions with their episcopal blessing? And don't they
test the qualifications of candidates for holy orders ? And I'm sure
that the interesting and enlightened discourses that one hears Sunday
after Sunday, in any church one chooses to select, prove how
thoroughly they sift the tarcsfrom the wheat.
Of course, my husband broke out in his usual violent way, when I
made these innocent remarks. After politely premising that he might
as well endeavour to talk LORD NELsON off his column at Trafalgar-
square, as try to induce a woman to listen to reason, he proceeded to
abuse the whole church question in general and in particular. He
talked about what he called the absurdity of a man's driving to church in
a carriage and pair, with a couple of powdered flunkies to preach down.
pride, vain-glory, and hypocrisy. And then he tackled the general body
of the clergy, overthrowing pluralism, and the purchase and disposal of
livings at a blow, and deprecating what he was pleased to term the
miserable hair-splitting of people who professed to be ministers of peace,
and whofutl;lled their mission bysowing discord where discord could do
no good. Then lie said that lie considered it probable that the salvation
of a man, who dil his duty in other respects, would not be imperilled
by his attending a church in which a table was called an altar, or an
altar a table, and where the congregation turned to the west during
the communion service, instead of the east, or where candles were
burnt instead of gas.
D)ear Mr. Editor, these matters are far too serious for trivial dis-
cussion, so I cut the conversation short at this point, but not before
my husband had admitted that, in spite of all he had said, he did
take a certain interest in the succession to the primacy of York,
inasmuch as he hiad drawn the BisHoP or WINCHESTER in a club
sweepstakes !-Yonr sincere friend, ANsELINA BRowN.
Kensington Palace Gardens.

AMONGST tlhe now books for the coming season, we find a volume
entitled, Lispings from Low. Latitudes," edited by LADY DU-FPEIN.
We shall shortly expect the announcement of Statterings and
Splutterings in High Latitudes," or Stammerings and Skippings
about the IIaymarket," edited by Lord Duntdreary. Of course,
tho first poem in LAD, DUFrEInIN's book begins:-
Thlo' thplondid the thummer thnn thines,
Thiweot thunsino theems tholemn to thee,
lWhen tli ou thout thr the tlhorn-thaken pines,
Thwueplh a thong to the thoil of the free."

LORD ROBERT is better known as Count Out. He obtained the
latter title by the brilliant manner in which he was extinguished
when he intended to become distinguished. A carefully prepared
speech of his lordslip's, by which he believed he should take a lead-
ing place in Parliament, was snuffed out after its first few staggering
sentences by an intimation to the speaker from some honourable
gentleman, impatient of bores, that "there were not forty members
present." In consequence, LonD ROBERT's great speech was never
made-a result by which oratory was no loser, and literature no
gainer. For unable "to shake the arsenal and thunder over Greece"
by his elocution, the disappointed nobleman published a book on
"Naval Architecture," better known as "LonR ROBERT'S Treatise on
Block Ships, out of his own Head." His lordship graduated at Trinity
College, Cambridge. It has never been stated at what school he was
educated, but we should imagine a "Dame's school," to judge from
the quantity of" old woman's notions" he entertains. He was elected
for Huntingdonshire in 1859. The Hunts men, perhaps thinking that
legislature was mere sport, elected him because he could ride, and
deserved "a good seat."
We may as well state that his views are Conservative, though we
do not suppose anybody cares to know what his-opinions are. Yet
members of tho Liberal party, encouraged, perhaps, to think that his
mind was a blank page, have attempted to impress their notions upon
him. But all they have said to him has gone in at one ear and out at
the other (probably because there was nothing in the way to stop it),
and he still doggedly sticks to DEnBY's pack-a course which no doubt
renders him very acceptable to Hunts.
About his Parliamentary career there is nothing very striking,
except the fact of his being returned to Parliament at all. Other-
wise it is uninteresting and unimportant; so much so, that. one:only
remembers its most recent incidents. The last time when he made
himself conspicuous was the occasion on which, in. conjunction with
the virtuous SHELLEY and the unselfish HORSMAN, he placed himself
as a barrier against the Thames Embankment. But the public soon
showed which it cared most for, the "peer with- an e or the pier with
an i." The: mistake he made about the HioiNs' epistles (whenhe
did not seem to know what.it was courteous and gentlemanly to do in
the case of miscarried correspondence) surprised.no-one who remem-
bered that he was not a man of letters.
His lordship has also attempted lately to revenge himself on the
promoters of count-outs, for the blight which nipped his oratory in
the bud some time since. To harbour vindictive feelings for such a
length of time is not the sign of a great mind.
As an orator, LORD ROBERT-we beg pardon, and correct our
expression-when Loan ROBERT talks, he may boast of being a
powerful speaker, for the RIGHT HON. JOHN EVELYN DENISON himself
could not more effectually bid "strangers withdraw "-and members
too. In a word, his arguments, if not clear, are unmistakably clearing,
as far as the Houseis concerned.
If our description of his lordship's speaking makes any of our readers
anxious to hear him,.as Parliament is not sitting they had better go to
the Haymarket Theatre. The Haymarketlordis perhaps more fluent,
logical, and talented than the Huntingdon lord; but there is a family
likeness between the two-especially in delivery. The first time we
heard Lord Dundreary, we exclaimed with Shakspeare's Tybalt-
This, by his voice, should be a Montague."
It has indeed been whispered that the subject of our memoir was
the model after which Lord Dundreary was framed. If this be true,
MR. SOTHERN, as the theatrical critiques word it, "deserves great
credit for creating a character out of such slight materials." We are
inclined to doubt the fact ourselves; but if it be as it is stated, LORD
ROBEnT MOINeAGUE has, after all, originated something.

PRESIDENT LINCOLN recognizes the truth of our delineations of him,
if we are to believe Manhattan," who says in his letter of the 3rd of
"The best likeness of PrsmrDNT Lirco r that has been given is in a copy
of the London FoP, of August 23-about recruiting. The PRESIDENT sent on to
WILSOx ani Roesas, the agents, and ordered 100 copies to be sent to his friends
ia Illinois."
After his so-called Emancipation Proclamation, initiating the horrors
of a servile insurrection, we hope LINCOLN'S friends will frame him in
double gilt-very deep. We have drawn him, and they may hang
him when they like, and quarter him where they please, as a traitor
to humanity and civilization.


NOVEMBER 1, 1862.]


Gymnastic Feat.-The weather will hold itself up for a few hours
during the week.
Biographical Notice of Jupiter."-(By Jove.)-The son of Ops.
was not on that account the patron deity of dancing, or peouliarl
worshipped in Kent.
Light Literature.-A new Ceres will shortly be published.
The one sign of the Zodiac, without which the present system could
not exist, is, of course, the -ign-e quat non.
The round game of cards played in the Moon (when inhabited) was
always loo. Hence the name Loona.

26 S

27 M
28 To
29 W

30 'Tr
31 I

1 S


Sermon by DBAw (very) CLOSE, on "not spending more
than a penny onSundays," addressed to Shabbytarians.
Midnight Arohery MLeeting.-Shooting with flam-beaux.
Grand Prise Fight at Beulah Spa.
Grand -Procession of the FUN contributors as the FUN-
.ditores," or Pioneers of Civilization.
ieibture on Popular Delusions, by a popular Andalnsian.
Day for scanning verses *with a telescope:fromthe top ofa
ranoal elevation in Scandinavia.
Painters' .estival. Prize given to the atist 'who can
draw breath without i-ifficulty. T aoe between por-
traits, won by a Full length. Mousing by kit-oats.
.Motto fbr the day, "No it tint."


.Air-- The low-backeel car."
WHiN first I in the aity,
Had got a cheque one day,
A Hansom cab I hired, and sat
Impatient all the way.
Iteek the cab at Charing-cross,
As three o'clock had struck,
And the banker's door to reach by four,
I knew would be good luck.

SEASIESiABL j GLARDENEH3G. So I hurried him on with "All!
fatherr together your hardy amn asl-ant give them -their yealy In the time, if you get so far,
treaitat ithe NLsoN Monument. t-shall be worth your 'while, no more sixpence a mile,
Fuchsias.-Take a turn in Yorkshire, Monmouthshire, and Btaffora- To rattle through Temple-bar.
shire. Thus you will have gathered a knowledge of some few shires. The cabman plied his whip hard,
(Not generally known.) And galloped down the Strand,
The Fulgens Corymbiflora is a difficult flower to manage. Pitch Itmight have brought to some the thought,
into him every morning with a horsewhip, and then pause for a reply. That bailiffs were at hand;
How to Get Rid of Frost.-When the frost sets in, observe carefully But when St. Clement's church was passed,
what it does set in, and pull the chair away. Thus summarily And Fleet-street loomed before,
treated, it will never return. We had to wait, I saw my falo,
The sunmum bonum of personal gardening in winter is a healthy No Lombard-street at four.
warmth; to obtain this, you must procure a summer bonum, and you For carriages there they are,
won't suffer from cold. With'busses and carta afar,
Cover your tender plants with mats. That's what's the matter." All brought to a lock with a chock and a block,
Train your lateralss carefully. If you don't know what we mean In the middle of Temple-bar.
by this term, trim everything in your garden, and thus you will The slightest chance of moving,
ensure success. The slighest canweof moving
Get as near to the end of April as you possibly can, without incon- 'Twas long 'ere we cou ld fdof
venience to your neighbours, and sow celery. Ath a Pavor'to 'bus in fon s,
Objectless Gardening.-Dig a pit; cry heartily, taking care to let 'w a Pfive o'clock n behind .
your tears trickle in over the ridges, which must be made wide and Twea fie o'clock when round St. P
polished with the cool part of the eyebrow; add lemon and sugar, An go n a't cab custom old
then stir the hole. Jump in vigorously, and remain there till dinner- And you neodnt be told, the custom old
time. That bankers close at four.
Fruitless Gardening.-Sow nothing but flower seeds. So I cursed my unlucky star,
Magpies, if troublesome, may be caught with a magnet. That another day yet, would be wanted to getfar
Scarlet Geraniums ought to be in the house during the winter. If That oher cday yet would b that To to ge-
you don't like their presence in a room, tell them that you're going to A c ue as hroh tat Tmpbar.
take them in, and don't do it, by which proceeding they will be taken
in, and both parties are satisfied.
Exercise in Gardening.-Run up a bill at your seedman's every TilE PARK (AND) STREET PULPIT.
morning. Cat down your expenses. Cultivate thrift. M COWPEn, whose talents are exactly suited for the navvio and
Melancholy Gardening.-The unhappy plant, about this time, is the gardener office of looking after our parks and public ways, is going
chry-santhemum. Go to the poor creature with a pocket-handker- beyond his powers when he makes himself a sort of little Pope of our
chief, and say kindly, Don't cry-santhemum." pleasure grounds. He has no right to license people to preach and
All lawyers, who are fond of gardening, should look to their law-rels. distribute tracts there. To encourage these improper uses of the
Kitchen Gardening -To warm yourself in cold weather, get your Scriptures and the parks, is as reprehensible as giving pigs an
gardener to run away with your chives, then chivey him. opportunity of trampling on pearls. Fanatics, who have no .real
Don't make a coil about your onions, but string 'em up in ropes. appreciation of the beauties of the Sacred Book, or the beauties of.tho
General Directionsfor November.-Get over the wall, dance on your book of nature, have no right to prevent their enjoyment by others.
neighbour's beds, break down :his fruit-trees, fly 'at his carrots, and
return after treading on his pota-toes. If remonstrated with, say
"you thought he liked it," and pelt him -with beetroot. Refuse A QUZSTION ROR MORAL PMI.os PrERns.--When a ship "splits upon
to give your gardener any directions for anything. Sulk behind the a rock," is the circumstance to be looked on as being a breach of
garden-engine, assume a dogged bearing: dog your gardener's foot- confidence" ?
steps, and say "I'll cat-eh you." Hit him in the back with a spade, SQUARING THE CIRCLE.-Given : the supper-ficies of a square in a
and look as if you didn't mean it. Repeat, and pretend to be sowing quiet quarter. Required: the corresponding area of a .policeman's
turnips, round.

'J-_ "----" =

Thcal Correspolndcnts prI.ofssedly gardening" writ,'e tl( ),, I,e no
wLish that they would only ask horticultural qlucsftos. Ii'cw, r,.
we are not Solormon, or the Sphini, andl don't wish to be.
Tutnnius.-The old proverb to which you alludo is No charge for
Box.-There is no such place as 'ortmantenu-square.
Old English.-When a person is very far gone in liquor, the expres-
sion Heighty-Tighty is sometimes used.
Frenchicus.-" On dit" means something said at WVitton."
Curry.-The people of India are divided into two classes-tho Ilindoo
and Hindon't.
Arry Stocrat.-A lady oftitleliving in a swamp is called a Alarshionv::s.
Flos.-This is the only question about gardening that we've received,
and anything more insulting we never yet met with. Luckily,
it is so badly written as to be quite illegible, or we would lnvo laid
it, without hesitation, before the public. The simple answer is, No.


6 ETJiIrS{. [NOVEMBEJR 1, 1862.

- I
i i 7
7 p

o 11

- - -

Cousin :-- I AM SURE I DON'T KNOW."
Young S.:-"BECAUSE HE'S A Barrel-hoister!"

OUR| PRIZE ESSAYS. I must say that, although unfriendly in spirit, the review was not
entirely unfair to me in substance. Many of my faults it pointed out
No. 33.-BY A. K. H. B. clearly; but I think it went too far in not allowing my essays to
Concerning some persons who have reviewed me unfavourably, with possess any merit a all. However, I amof course, an interested
thoughts on others who never did anything bf the kind. party, and, though I strive always to speak with moderation and
suspension of judgment, my private feelings no doubt have their
IT is a beautiful October morning as I sit down to write. The airis influence.
mellow, but has a certain pleasant suggestion about it of the crisp It occurred to me that I should like a rabbit smothered in onions
freshness of the dawn. The sunlight falls in broad and level lines for lunch; so I went out again, and shot one, and picked some onions,
upon the open landscape that stretches away before me, wooing my and returned.
gaze as I look out from the half-open bow-window of the manse. The Not much caring to continue my perusal ofthe Flail, I commenced
chrysanthemums and China-asters are covered with buds, through that of FUN. With what delight did I read! The mild and gentle
which the gold or purple hue of the coming flower is already com- pleasantries of the Almanack; the fervid conservatism of the Lives
menacing to announce itself. of Eminent Satesmen; the accuracy, unspoilt by quips, of the
I had written thus far, without any definite idea as to the course of Encyclopwdia,-all these charmed and pleased me. And, as regards
thought into which my mood might lead me, when I heard the post- the Prize Essays, though I know my chance of succeeding in such a
man's horn, and soon afterwards saw that functionary himself approach, contest is but small, I would yet, modestly and temperately, add my
tramping along sturdily by the gravel-path that leads through my own little wild-flower to the votive wreath that is being twined in
garden. The contents of his bag included, as regards my own corn- honour of FUN.
munication with the outer world, six letters containing six cheques
signed by six editors of magazines, a copy of the Flail, and the last
monthly part of FUN.
Before devoting myself to study, I thought I might as well take a BUTLER OT or PLACE.-The Federal general in possession of
Before devoting myself to study, I thought I migh as well take a New Orleans is daily adding to the list of atrocities, which have
stroll; and I had not gone very far before I met DOCTOR D. (so let me e lean
call him), one of my kind friends who never says anything ungentle. already blackened his name. He threatens, if the Confederates
manly or does anything generous. Good morning, B.," cried the attack him, to hand over all the women in the town to the negroes!
doctor; "seen that shameful attack upon you in the Flail ?" The most charitable view to take of his ferocity is to consider him
Some good friend," I rejoined, "has sent me a copy; but I have insane. At all events, if he is not "off his head," he ought to be
not yet cared to read it." Whereupon the doctor, though with a off his legs."
somewhat embarrassed look, gives me a lucid outline of the hostile CROOKED USAGE."-The usage which the Italians are receiving at
article in question, the hands of the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH.

F TTU N"T.-NovEM.nER 1. i2.









j OVEMBBE 1, 1862.] F U TT INT. 67


Ov all fashion's follies the very worst whim,
For endangering life and injuring limb
By flame, dislocation, and fracture,
And for lending a screen to infanticide crimes,
Is the famous steel skirt of these modern times-.
An empress's manufacture.
Yet, ah how little does RosE or BELL,
As she puts the crinoline on to swell
Her dress to its full inflation,
How little she thinks what a funeral pyre
She thus prepares for the fatal fire
Of a suttee immolation.
For the girls will flutter-poor silly things--
Like foolish moths with ignitible wings,
Round fashion's glittering candle;
Nearer and nearer, and nearer yet,
Till into the clutches of death they get,
Who carries a crinoline butterfly net
At the end of his scythe's old handle.
Nor yet are the risks (as would be but fair)
Confined to those who are pleased to wear
These machines, well-styled the Infernals:
But for woman to cause the fall of man,
As she did when sin in the world began,
Is a common event, as you'll see if you scan
The accident-columns of journals.
'Tis sad to think that the pretty dears,
Shut up in ring fences, tiers upon tiers,
Inspire, not admiration, but fears
In the breast of him who passes :
Nor must they complain, when the force of their charms
Takes to breaking-not hearts-but legs and arms,
If they're ranked with the "dangerous classes."
Well! she who cares not what damage and hurt
Are done by the, hoops wherewith she is girt,
Must steel her breast as well as her skirt,
To her sex'sasoftness a stranger;
While all tune women will be content
To see our very best efforts.bent
To. put; down a Petticoat Government,
So fatal, and full of danger!


FisH.-A general name for a class of animals subsisting in water.
The ocean abounds with them, especially near the surface, and hence,
by taking the superficies of the sea, we may calculate the amount of
human food that can b. provided from this source. Their rapid
movements as they swim a-e produced chiefly by the tail, which each
fish uses according to his whim of the moment. Fish is considered
wholesome diet, and very satisfactory. Some will consider one plato
sufficient, but if you -.Jne at any of the fish ordinaries, you will find
others who seem tc believe that five plates o'fish aren't. Fish should
always be eaten fresh, and if you order at your fishmonger's a cod's
head and shoulders, he would be certainly not justified in sending its
tail. If you have two mackerel and one smelt, it would be suggestive
of having odour something. Fish breathe by means of their gills,
and thus the statement that every jack has his gill has passed into a
FLAG.-The word, common to all the Teutonio languages, is derived
from a root signifying "to fly," and as the English colours are war-
ranted not to run or fly, the place where the flag is put on the mast of
a British ship is always its top. In marine communications flags are
of signal service, and enable ships to talk with each other, so that two
vessels at sea may compare their logs and hold a dialogue together.
In an engagement, though everything else may be hit, the flag is not
struck till the last.
FLAX.-An exceedingly useful plant, cultivated from the earliest his-
toric times, but of no use to us until we get it spun into our material.
It has been said to exhaust the land, but as it produces its oil in the
form of linseed this ought to be no objection. At a time when we
are seeking a substitute for cotton, the neglect of its culture in this
country shows an amount of lax energy, which would indicate that the
present value of the.article we speak of lacks investigation.
FLUNT.-This well-known material is found in the bed of the chalk
formation, where, as it is a great layer, it requires considerable
knocking up. The ago and origin of the flint implements and weapons
found far below the surface, and believed to have been used by the pri-
mitive inhabitants of the earth, have given rise to deep arguments, of
which some are now discovering the drift. According to PmIN, C.IAs
was the first who struck fire with flint, but other authorities say he
was only the first who made tinder. At all events, he was the original
promoter of that scheme which originates sparks for the people. On
the principle that like cur. like, the wound that was made by the
weapon of flint would require the application of lint to heal it. There
is thus an old affinity between those two substances which together
CLIAs brought to light. If you have lint, you must heal. You can't
FLI.-A too familiar insect, regarding the human nose as a grand pro-
menade designed for its afternoon recreation. The fly, in its disposition
as well as in its form, is a very curious insect, dipping into everything
that it considers at all interesting, and eagerly devouring its contents.
Entomologists therefore classify it in the order Diptera. On account
of this propensity to general investigation, papers are published for the
exclusive use of flies, and to these they stick as constant readers to
the last. Householders often wonder what becomes of flies in the
winter time. We will enlighten them. They become flue.
Foo.--If we could only associate food with a joke, we know it
would be taken directly. The essential elements of' our food consist
of carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, sulphur, chlorine,
sodium, potassium, calcium, magnesium, iron, and fluorine, so that a
man in a chemist's shop can render himself perfectly independent of
butcher or baker. These elements require to be mixed up in us before
the world can receive the proper assurance of a man, and therefore
about every dinner-table such essentials should be abundantly distri-
buted with the Scotch motto above, Dinna forget." Phosphorus is
a most essential force for us, and may be directly absorbed in the
form offish, that justifying its reputation as an article of light diet.
Iron is a constituent of gravy in meats, and thus becomes a thing
always to keep your eye on. In preserved food smoked meat is
preferable to salted meat, as the nutritive property undergoes less
change. In this respect, and for this reason, the less salty rations we
have the better.

LrrnRARY OBITUA..--On Saturday last, at its office, after a brief
struggle, borne with that unvarying ill-temper and that unchristian
spirit which betokens a rickety constitution, the Literary Bludgeon,
universally unlamented.
A HINT TO STUD GaooMs.-If you call a horse Lord Dundlreary,
there is every chance that he will frequently come down on his sneeze.

_ ~C~


[NOVEMBER 1, 1862.



ON Monday last, we thought that the best way of confusing our-
selves in the evening, was by paying a visit to the Monday Populous
Consorts, and accordingly we went after dinner to the Saint Shame's
Hall in Piccadillo. After giving our money at the door, we had to
pass through a passage, which was imprecated with the odour of
dinners, and on looking about me, I found that we were walking along
the top of a dining-room; for you must know that one part of the
hall is devoted to luncheons and other varieties of feeding. After
this, we came to the music hall, the inferior of which is beautifully
fitted up, both as to colour and light. There is at one end a large
organ, and seats ranging up towards it in a summercircle from the floor,
just the same as we saw at the Christian Palace during the Hanwell
Festival. The place was literary crowded, which shows in what a
grove the people's tastes will run, if only probably directed. The
music that we heard was chiefly of the severe school. There was
a squintette for different instruments. The gentlemen who were
playing the fiddles looked very melancholy, and kept moving their
heads on one side, like Mr. H. does when his shirt collar is frayed at
the edge. Every one said that this movement was very graceful, but I
confess that, though I applauded it heartily for the sake of appearances,
I was not of the same opinion. This phantasy was divided into four
parts, about which the violins and the double base seemed following
one another in and out of a sort of musical maze. MR. H. said it
was very fine, and a real pleasure to sit and listen to such strains ;
but, though I don't doubt his voracity for one minute, I can't help
thinking that during the greater part of the time he was fast asleep.
The great aim of these populous consorts seems to consist in avoiding
anything like a tune. When MR. HENRY HAIGH sang, whom we heard
a long time ago at the English Uproar, he dissected a ballast with
as little melody in it as possible; and Miss BANKES, whom I've
heard singing so sweetly in the country, gave us another of a
scimitar character. The great feature of the evening, however,
was IF.RR JOACHIM on the violin. He regularly attacked the fiddle
with his bow, dashing at the instrument with his right hand, and

squeezing it with his left, in such a manner that I no longer wondered
at the extraordinary sounds which it remitted. It appeared to me as
if he began in the middle of an air, and then, getting confused, but
not liking to stop, went backwards and forwards, and round and
round the music, in a vain attempt to get at the tune, which he, every
now and then, seemed to be about to play, but invariably disappointed
us, as he never did. How he twiddled and twisted! Ma. H. said
that he didn't think he was "any great shakes," but on that point
my own ears testified to the contrary. His sympathy was so much
liked as to be encored. In my opinion, had it been MR. JONES, and
not Ma. JoACHIm, the audience wouldn't have wanted to hear the
performance a second time. I am sure that, if he had only played
" Home, sweet Home," or the Last Rose of Summer," the applause
would have been thoroughly hearty, instead of a mere expression of a
fashionable sentiment, meaning nothing.
We have decided upon leaving town very soon; indeed, I think
that next week will see us on our road to the north, to spend Christmas
at home, for I should not like to be away from our own old place at
that time, and then shan't I have a deal to tell you! which reminds
me that we've had such an excitement in the house. MR. H. lost his
pocket-book full of bank notes and valuable papers; 'e fancied that a
man who called on behalf of the Mendacity 2oci ay bor Relieving the
Poor was somehow mixed up in it. Well, we were obliged to employ
a defective officer, who commenced operations by searching the ward-
robe, and sure enough there, in MR. H.'s second best dress tail coat
pocket, we found the missing book. He did look stupid, I can tell
you; but one can't be too careful, as what with bank robberies,
garotters, and forgeries, we do live in cricketing times. MR. H.'s
forgetfulness I distribute to absence of mind, a habit which he has
contracted lately, in consequence of having given up so much of his
time to star-gazing, and looking at the consternations through a
telescope. Good-bye! for the present, dear.-I remain, your affec-
tionate sister,


SNOVEMBER 1, 1862.] I F [t9

PEdRHAPS the very coolest piece of advertising impudence ever in- DEAI SIR,-The long vat tion is finished, and will it t orminnat Os
srted in a newspaper appeared in the columns of the Ties lately my spo ting expedition, wlichi, in tl h itelorc.ts of science, tilt,' be'lit
Here it is:- of the Acclimatization Society, and the instruction of an inqluiiring
H ero it is:-- public, through the medium of your widely circulated journal, I, four
OMPANION, ETC.-Required, aladyby birth and education (French or Swiss months ago, at nm own charges, generously nd nobly und ook to
C Protestant preferred, but understanding English), to be Companion and ths a, a y own charges, nerousl ani v oo
General Supervisor of three young girls, ages 14 aud 15. Her duties would the coast of Mluretalba. A short account of this hitherto unexplored
consisting being constantlywith her charges,accompanying themin theirwalks, land, and of my hunting exploits therein, will not, 1 am sure, prove
being present at all lessons by masters which may be required, and in under- uninteresting to the majority o'v our readers.
taking the entire care of them during any occasional absence of their parents In the m h of Ju 1 p ch uis, a ln
from home. As no teaching is required, no salary'wil be given, but a comfortable n the month of Juno I pircfhaed the yaclt hlttilil, a hundred
home will be afforded, and all expenses, including laundress, paid. Address, in tons, cutter rigged, with jibboom and iiainsail athwart the hawsirs,
the first instance, to B. F. K., etc. to allow of tacking with greater celerity than can be ordinarily
There is a charming precision in the catalogue of the duties to be attained by ships of a similar build. We carried three Armstrong
performed by this economical cub-leader. She must "be constantly guns on board, which, I can assure you, stood us in good stead on
with her charges." She must accompany them in their walks, and more than one occasion. My crew consisted of two loblolly boys, a
she will, most likely, be expected to converse with them after the land-lubber, throo bumboat women, one old falt, a marine (out of
manner of the well-informed tutor, in "Eyes and no Eyes, or the Art place), and my own butler. They knew with whom they hadl to tdl,
of Seeing." She must be present whenever her charges receive in- for on starting, I addressed them, fiom abaft the binnacle, aa follows :
structions from masters, and exercise a duenna-like vigilance over -"Ladies and gentlemen, it is with feelings of the greatest pleasiur
their demeanour towards the dancing and writing professors; and, that, announce to you my stern determination to stand no Inonsilne.
lastly, she must take the "entire charge" ofthemduring any occasional Gentlemen, trust your commander!" They have trusted me. At
absence of their parents from home, although it would be hard to con- this moment there is a trifle of wages .till due.
ceive any c large more entire than that which this unhappy lady is ex- It was a lovely morning in July when we nsiled from St. Katharine's
pected to take of the "threeyoung girls" during their parents' presence. Wharf, and, after several collisions on the river, were wafted into thl
No teaching is required ofher, hut she should be a Frenchwoman open sea. There, guiding ourselves by our charts (which I had, for
speaking English, though why this should be necessary, unless it is economy's sake, drawn up myself), and my patent compass (also iny
intended that the three young ladies should pick up their French on own construction, a needle fixed with its point to the north), we s.te'red
the sly from their companion (from whom no teaching is required), we gaily away for the north coast of M uretalba. I shall not describe how
cannot say. For all this-for devoting every moment of her time to the whole French nation came out to welcome us; how L--- N- -
these three girls-she is to receive some 20 per annum less than the ran in hot haste from Biarritz,bcing just in time to wish mo abreathlieh
family plain cook : that is to say, she is to spend her life in discharging "bon voyage," from the top of a bathing-machine, on the south coast
duties of a laborious and most responsible description, and she is to of his own sunny shore; nor shall I tell you how the fierce Iirates of
receive, by way of equivalent-nothing! the Molacca, having made three ineffectual attempts to board our
vessel, were sunk by one Armstrong, to whoae touchlole my own
hand applied the match. No! these facts are for my forthcoming
volume, or for the truthful pen of my biographer.
THE STREET-SELLER'S SONGSTER. Muretalba (the Verania Paula of the ancients, vi(e Tactils,
WATER RESSES Annal. lib. v.) is a low marshy country, surrounded on all sides
By te m n of f Z by an oasis, from whose summit the eye of the traveller glances
A-" By the margin of fair Zurich's waters." over the Plains of Castille, the splendid ruins of the once gay
I AM charging you fair for fine water- Yucatan, the Azteo Paradise, the waves of the Baltic, the imounliins
Cree-e-eeses! of the Celt, the top of St. Peter's, the icebergs of tio Polar
They're the finest you ever did munch. Regions, and the far distant source of the sacred Ganges. Thel
Yes, you'll find they're the right sort 'er country is celebrated for such game as is rarely found in any
Cree-e-eeses! other part of the world, excepting perhaps, among the Coptl
And they're only a ha'penny a bunch! of Abyssinia, who are, however, no great sportsmen. On my
Inmthe morning I come about eight, first landing I hired ajarawass (boy to beat lie bushes) for game at a
In the evening I'm not very late, penny an hour, and walked fifteen miles up the country, only getting
For just about tea-time I cry- one shot, and that at a small loorshu, an animal something betwocn
Cree-e-esses! a red-herring and a fire-fly, which infests this district. The jarmwas
They're the best that your money can buy. kindled a fire, and having cut the loorshu into steaks, cooked it. II
Cree-e-eeses! Cree-e-eeses! (ad lib.) tasted very much like chicken, only without bread-sauce. Wo Ihad
Are you coming to purchase fine water- just satisfied our hunger when I heard a rustling close to my olbli,.
SCree-e-eeses Gurrrar! cried my attendant. Mi el! (Make haste! run!) I
Make haste for 'm going away! turned, and saw crouching behind me, his glaring eyes fixed on tlo
BringMake h e r copper a as you remains of my repast, and already preparing for a spring, oni of t11o
Bring your capers and buy (as you o t'er) largest specimens of the kautaukrus tribe that I ever remember to havo
Cree-e-eeses! seen. I lifted my rifle to my shoulder and pulled the trigger. Iiaginio my
They're good things to eat, doctors say. horror when no report followed the movement 1 had forgotltet thal,
They' re as fresh and as green as the May! the piece, having just been fired at the loorsalu, had not boon siu.o
They're as fresh and as green as the My reloaded. His hind legs were gathered up for a terrific bound !
Sam Cree-oue never seen such Now or never," thought I to myself, and, quick as lightning, 1 took
And the price that I ask isn't much! the initiative, and sprang on sim. His surprise was ludicrous in tho
Cree-e -eesespri e that I ask ist m h! extreme, and before he could recover his scattered senses, my hunting.
ree-eeeses! reeeeeses ad i) knife had robbed him of the little instinct that he possessed. I kept his
Skin as a trophy. On that same afternoon I shot a bustard, a. young
phoenix, a small dodo ( I kicked him up, and as he wouldn't rise, shot
A SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY INTO A SCIENTIFIC UNION. him running), three brace of kackairas (something like a pheasant in
DR. SCLATER, having transferred his attentions from the pythoness appearance, but with the flavour of a salmon-trout, very delicate), a
to a young English lady, was married last week. A fashionable con- lion or two, five maize rats, lots of gorillas, two spotted bears, and tie
temporary, in describing the ceremony, says:- jarawass himself, who stupidly got in the way, but luckily there wfns
"The bride was attended by six bridesmaids, dressed inwhite dresses trimmed always another to be procured. You shall see my skinaand other
with blue, with floating yeils suspended from wreaths of blue flowers." tr)phies; ad of my subsequent marvellous adventures, my hair-breadth
t on e ( r i a a v ," a d escapes, and extraordinary discoveries includingg now members of
What on earth (or rather, in air) are "floating veils," as distin- various zoological families, also several new nations, languages, (..,
gished from other veils ? Have they any connexion with swimming- and the lost tribes) I will write to you at another time.-Yours truly,
belts, or do they owe their aerostation to the fact that the flowers NiM.aoD JN-PICKs,.

In this instance, I hope those who sing my ode 'll jodel to the best of their
ability.-Note by the Author. CALCRAPr' CONSOLATION.-While there's life there's rope.

70 FTN.

[INoVEMBER 1, 1882.

*i k





No, Miss CONSTANCE AYLMER, pretty as your name is, and willingly
as we believe fairy godmammas stand sponsors on all occasions of
theatrical baptism, we cannot have the happiness yet of inscribing it
on the roll of artistic fame. You require more practice, Miss AYLMER,
before you can fill the position of leading lady at a theatre like the
Princess's, and before provincial audiences you should have con-
tentedly completed your noviciate. The London playgoer is not
satisfied with the mere promise; he wants the performance. If we
do not now scourge with the critic's rod, we have an equally severe
method of inflicting punishment for the great dramatic crime of
incompetency. We stop away from the place where it is exhibited,
and, in silent desolation, the Incompetent is left, mourning the
absence of those no longer to be bribed with orders, and in gloomy
grandeur awaiting the collapse of that treasury where alone sits the
man who pays. MR. LINDUS, the new lessee of the theatre, has
gathered a goodly company together that might sustain his fortunes
if he has only wisdom to promptly correct the error of his first
essay. The selection for the opening night, injudicious in every other
respect, might have pointed a moral, Delicate Ground and the dreary
play of Love reminding us all of what we have to go through before
we can reach Perfection. With Miss OLIVER, MISS MURRAY, Mi.
HERMANN VEZIN, a highly intelligent actor, who has yet to secure his
RoxBY, and other acknowledged favourites of the public, something
ought to be done worth seeing.
To the Lyceum playgoer has been administered a sedative calculated
to allay any undue excitement caused by Peep o' Day. It is exhibited
in the form of a farce, entitled, It must be True, 'twas in the Papers,
an inference equally likely to be correct with the supposition, it must
be entertaining, 'twas in the playbill. Those who respect the reputa-
WALTER LACY, have deservedly acquired by their artistic talents,
would do well to retreat at the conclusion of the Irish drama. As in
other forces, there is a young mistress and a smart waiting-woman in

love with a dashing captain and a comic man-servant. A newspaper
announcement that the former have departed from Baden-Baden, has
been perverted into departed this life ;" and the latter meeting their
sweethearts in England, have consequently serious doubts as to their
substantiality. The opportunity of clearing up this part of the
mystery is, of course, not all; they embrace on the occasion, and thus
it is perfectly justifiable to observe that in this piece the talent of Ms.
WALTER LACY is decidedly running to waist.
At the Olympic, we have to hail the return of MR. ROBSON as the
Wandering Minstrel, in which he is-the reader will observe the
frightful effects of seeing lately so much Irish spoken upon the stage
-always at home. Fresher for his fortnight's holiday, during which
he played in a country theatre nearly every night, the humour of this
clever comedian tells upon his laughing audience with all its old
force. The rumour of a change of management here is incorrect in
one particular. It has no foundation. THE ODD MAN.

CUMMING EVENTs.-The appearance shortly of fifty additionalI
volumes of prophetic rubbish from the indefatigable pen of DOCTOU
NEW READING OF AN OLD LINE.-"An honest lawyer's the n.:blt
work of God," since none were made honest with greater labour.
the millennium.

1:" The SECOND Half-yearly Volume of FUN, with highly-
finished Comic Engravings by talented artists, and Humourous
Articles by distinguished writers, is not ready, handsomely bound
in Magenta cloth, gilt, price 4s. 6d., post free 5s.
Also, the Title, Preface, and Index to the SECOND Volume of F ,
forming an Extra Number, price Id.
Cases for Binding, in Magenta cloth, gilt, Is. 6d. each.

London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-November 1, 1862.

NOVEMBER 8, 1862.] T N 1

N Friday afternoon last, dear Mr. Editor, it poured with rain fromn morning to light,and
as EDWIN was at chambers, and nobody called, I determined to occupy the few hours
that would elapse before his return by putting his study to rights. Besides, I intended
that night to ask EDWIN to take me to Brighton for a month, in November.
I set about it, and found my work cut out for me, I do assure you, Mr. Editor.
Scattered over the room were letters, memoranda, parchment parcels tied up with red
tape and labelled With you, Mu. BlowN, fifty guas.; sticks of sealing-wax, bits of
'(c black caky tobacco, rulers, despatch boxes, packets of tape, a tool chest, some gum,
law books, pins, quills, two guns, waste-paper baskets, a boot-jack, an old coat, a rack
-. full of black pipes, some photographs, a heap of blue-books (full of nothing but figures--
dry reading I should think), a bust of Lono BiocLGanM in a wig and a wide-awake, and
S five hundred things besides.
Nothing dismayed, I set to work with a will, dusting, sorting, and arranging every-
thing with a care that the ungratefalfellow didn't deserve. Then I hid all the tobacco,
jc '-washed all the pipes, sent all the dusty law books into the hnnber-roomn, and tore up all
Sthe papers that didn't seent wanted. Then I dressed, and descended to the drawing-
room to await his appearance, and watch, with some anxiety, the effect of the pleasant
little surprise I had prepared for him.
\' sHe made his appearance at last, after his usual visit to his study. Ho began by
Wanting to know who had been into his room? So I told him that a little fairy had
come all the ay from fairy-land to set his books and papers to rights, so that hli might
be able to find them whenever he wanted them. Mr. Editor, you should have heard how
She swore at that little fairy. Instead of the gratitude with which the hypothetical
little spirit deserved to be overwhelmed, she received nothing but the most violent iliise.
--- ^ I needn't tell you what he said-it was just what slovenly men always say on these
occasions. He complained that she had done him an incalculable injury--that after
the operation of" putting to rights he could never find anything lie wanted-that
e U the "infernal fairy had destroyed important nmemoranda-that it was all wrong-that
S I was a preposterous little goose, and goodness gracious only knows what else besides.
In short, it was the old story, all over again.-Your sincere friend,
Kensington Palace Gardens. ANGELINA BROWN.

these sufferers was a man named LEGGATT who would doubtless have
WANDERINGS IN LONDON. liked to leg it, had it been practicable for him to do so.
But times have changed, and Smithfield with them. Even the
Communicated by a Member of the Arch-l-g-c.l Society. cattle-market, so long a nuisance to the inhabitants of London, has
No. 3.- ITHFIELD. gone out of town, removed in 1855 to Copenhagen-fields ; not, how-
No. 3.-. ever, without great resistance on the parts of the city authorities,
THE ruthless hand of modern science, armed with the besom of who clung to the nuisance with that tenacity for abuses, which, from
improvement, is slowly but surely sweeping away our ancient land- the earliest ages, has been a characteristic of the civic mind; and
marks and good old nuisances. Smithfield, odoriferous Smithfield, now naught is left to the pensive wanderer but the pens.
is no longer what, in the words of a popular comedian, it used to
was," and the public-houses which now, though in diminished
numbers, surround this interesting locality, are the only relics that
remind us of what once was Smithfield-bars. GEOGRAPHICAL QUESTIONS.
The largeness of the family precludes our stating, with any degree
of accuracy, who or what SMITH was; nor does the torch of history, Do many theatrical people come from Acton ?
or the will-o'-the-wisp of tradition throw any light on this obscure Are the ihabitants of Craven a discontented race ?
question. FITZSTEPHEN, however, in the twelfth century, describes Have many additions been made of late years to the town of Adding-
Smithfield as an open meadow, where the citizens used to walk in the ham ?
evenings and practise archery; though from its present aspect, one is Are the people of Aden always ready to help each other ?
almost tempted to imagine that it was the chronicler and not the Are the people in Agincourt ever out of spirits ?
citizens that drew the long bow, and that his credulous readers are Is it true that the cat is the only animnil found at Catalonia ?
the butts at which his mental shafts were aimed. Here, too, were Are there many paupers at Begermans ?
tournaments held, when the knights of former days shone forth in Is it possible for the inhabitants of Berlin to prosper when the
gallant array, poking their fun at the ladies, and their lances at one whole town is constantly on the Spree ?
another, in a very pointed fashion; in fact, the way to a medieval Is Beverley celebrated for its scenery ?
daJ'sel's heart was not infrequently at the tip of a spear through Do any of the children escape punishment at Birchall ?
somebody else's body-a course of love-making which the perforated Do many fires takes place at Blason ?
par oy must have found a decided bore. Do race horses that come from Hitchin ever get scratched
s'mithfield was the arena where SIR WILLIAM WALWORTII gave Are the people of Wrexham all at sea" ? and do they meet with
W.vr TYLER a knock-down blow with his mace-a circumstance many ups and downs ?
shAiving the awkward nature of maces, from the days of chivalry to
thei present champion. TYLER, it appears, was an early specimen of
th- British Chartist, and objected to taxes in general, and the poll-tax ITINC ILL.ti FABUL..- -"ADAH MENKIN, who claimed to be the wife
in particular, which may, perhaps, have been the reason why, as an of JoHN C. HEENAN, tle pugilist, has," so says "Manhattan," "recently
as.. ent historian remarks, Ye Lorde Maior dyd gyve hym one fore married ORI'EUs C. KEIIR, a writer of fancy letters from the Real of
bh7 nobbe." On account of this exploit, a dagger was added to the war." We suppose it is to the lyre of this Orpheus that we are
ctl7 arms, thereby signifying that the civic authorities were ready to indebted for the authentic accounts of Federal victories that never
.t;etc to anything, from a traitor to turtle. Up to the year 1850, happened. He has probably never smelt powder, and marries AMInI
Bartholomew fair was held here, where, according to STIRYPE, the sea tMENKIN in the true Yanhie spirit, in order that, when asked if lh
serpent was originally exhibited, "about which," says he, they do ever saw a battle, he may say, Guess not; but my wife's husbam,
c.. -reat lengths, and make a monstrous coil. was a fighter-he was "
Iu former days, Smithfield was a place of execution, and during A FACT irol FiT'r'iuEu ALANACKs.-The First of November. Closing
tht time that QUEEN MARY may be said to have ruled the roast in of the Great Exhibition of incapacity, by the Royal Conmnissioners, in
England, no less than 277 persons were there burnt. The last of 1862.


72 F TJ Q. [NOVEMBER 8, 1862.
--- ----



SEW people lay down a newspaper
:'at this uninteresting time of year
/c ..t without complaining that there is
%.S "nothing in the papers." They are
sick of the monotonous horrors of
t the American war; of GARIBALDI
and the POPE they hear more in the
police reports than in any other
part of the paper; and Mi. DRouYN
DE LHuYs interests only a certain
section of the community. But
those who complain that the papers
are not amusing, look for amuse-
mont in the wrong place. It is not
in the leaders; the police reports
lack it entirely; not even the sen-
sation" description of a popular
Execution supplies it. The supple-
ment and advertising columns con-
fain the matter that turns even the
Record into a comic paper. For
instance, here is an advertisement
taken almost at random from the
S*'A .-'-s~ second column of the Times:-
r RilIEE POUNDS REWARD.-Lost, at the International Exhibition, on
SWednesday, Stho 1st inst., an English gold watch, with gold face, No. either
l33,574 or 33 :-"V n l or.r- nn thon I tk the initials "E. A. B." Supposed to
havo lien ii l, .I I I.. n l u ,,u r. t... )er col1u-n.
Itoro we have, in unmistakable English, an advertisement for a
watch which is supposed to have been dropped by the Tasmanian
timber column. Without stopping to inquire what use the Tasmanian
timber column could have found for a gokl watch, we will'content our-
solves with suggesting that some inquisitive visitor, interested in the
vegetable products of Tasmania, took it out of its proper receptacle
in order to look at the thyme. This is the only way in which we can
account for its disappearance.
)IANO, with (COLAnD and COLLArD's improvements, almost new. Theowner,
being compelled to part with the same through unforeseen circumstances,
will be sold at a very low price for cash only.-Apply, etc.
In this case, owing to unforeseen circumstances, the piano is COLLARD
and Co..LA Rn, but tie man is collared and sold. This is a melancholy case.
A little lower down is a charming little bit of blackguardism:-
DO YOU WISH TO MAKE A LITTLE MONEY?-Purohaso the Petrolium
Act, to be lad at any law stationor's for one pontuy, and you will see how
to make 210 a diy.
A nice little income of 3,650 per annum is to be obtained by inform-
ing against people who violate the act by keeping more than the legal
quantity of potrolium oil on their premises. Look to your customers,
0 vendors of petroleum !
A gentleman from Scotland has come to grief:-
LOST, hy a gentleman from Scotland, a carpet-bag, in a public-house, situated
aL ou lialf-an-hour's walk from the Euston-street Station; he, having paid
10H. for i i I..,- i. ,i -... i -.. ir iition, and when returning lost the address.
Any one ... ..... .......i..,.a i -street Police Station will be rewarded.
Now there is a lack of cannyism about this. Here is a gentleman
from Scotland actually unequal to the intellectual pressure of the
moment. But the gratuitous piece of information about the price paid
for his lodgings, and the manner in which lie passed his first day in
town, resembling rather the querulous address to a sympathetic
crowd of a talkative old woman who has lost her purse, convince us
that, although the advertiser may be a gentleman from Scotland, he
is certainly not a Scotch gentleman.

REVEL.ATION is vexation,
My mission is as bad.
The rule of three, it puzzles me,
Revision must be had.

"THE EXCEPTION PleOVES TIHE RULE."-There is an old saying to
the olfect that people choose their opposites." This, however, is
not always correct ; for, when away-we'll say, for the sake of example
-from ihono and old friends, people generally prefer those who corre-
spond with 'em.


THE RIGHT HON. WILLIAM COWPER falls under the third class in a
well-known description of the modes in which distinction may be
obtained. He certainly has not "achieved honours," for-whatever he
has done for himself,-for instance, in the cases of the Kensington
Gardens ride and the late Hyde Park riots;-has been calculated
to cover him with anything but glory. Neither was he "born
to honours;" for though LORD PALMERSTON is an Irish peer, he
was not Ma. COWPER's step-father at the time of that .gentleman's
birth. But, owing to his subsequently becoming the step-son of the
PREMIER, there is no doubt that the RIGHT HON. WILLIAM FRANCIS
has had honours thrust upon him '' He has borne the imposition
with pious resignation; in fact, the honours seem to be more put out
than he is, and sit upon him with an ill grace-inconsequence.
In his younger days he was an officer in the Royal Horse Guards,
but afterwards exchanged the army for the Knavy," as some stern
moralists have designated the profession of place-hunting. He was.
returned fri Hertford in 1835. Yet, although he sat for the chief town
in Herts, ,. would have been perfectly harmless save for his connexion
with the member for Tiverton. That noble lord has given his step.
son all sorts of offices to play with, and it is no matter of wonder that
a child so Pam-pered should have been spoilt. He has, at various
times, been an Aide-de-camp of the Irish Lord Lieutenant, a Private
Secretary, a Commissioner of Greenwich Hospital, a Lord of the
Treasury, a Lord of the Admiralty, Under-Secretary for the Home
Department, President of the Board of Health, Vice-President of the
Education Committee of the Privy Council, Vice-President of the
Board of Trade, Paymaster-General, and, finally, Chief Commissioner
of Works, or, as he is familiarly known to his friends, the "Babe
in Woods and Forests." And yet he has been "a.man so various "-
in his appointments, not 'because, he. was "all -mankind's epitome,"
but chiefly because he was one of the- connexions of our lively First
Lord of the Treasury.
It must, however, be granted that if MR. CowPER's intellect is not
of the gigantic order which could make itself at home in all these
various offices, he can, at least, lay claim to that sort of character
which a man's friends call "amiable." He is an eminently "club-
able man; for, besides belonging to BROOKS'S, the Reform, and the
Traveller's, he is a NOODLE-we beg pardon, a BOODLE.
His office under the present Government is one apparently well
suited to him. To look after gardens is an employment not above the
capacity of any country gentleman. But MR. COWPER, not content
with calling a spado a spade, and going and digging with it 4 la
Dotheboys Hall, has attempted higher flights of eloquence on a seat
in Kensington Gardens on one occasion, and has lately been ranting
by proxy in Hyde Park. His licensing fanatics to ventilate their
fustian on Sundays where respectable folk are airing their broadcloth,
is, however, we believe, less a deliberate wrong than a characteristic
error of judgment. We give even MR. COWPER credit for too much
sense to believe him sincere in so doing. He is not so much guilty
of a polemical piety as of a purblind policy. He forgets that while he
ingratiates himself with the followers of STIGoINS, he separates him-
self from the followers of common sense.
As a debater, when he does not involve his hearers in the confusion
of his own ideas, and of his own way of expressing them, he is, to say
the least, amusing. On the whole, perhaps it would be well if he
were to leave his Works, or rather those of which he is nominally
commissioner, to speak for him, instead of his words, of which he is
not the master.
It might be expected that a Commissioner of Works would leave
some memorial of himself behind him. Up to the present time, MR.
COWIER's biographer can only take his reader to the site of the late
Hyde Park Redan, which has been spread in dressing over the grass,
and say, Si monumentuan queris, circumspice !" But the future
editor of Notes and Queries will do well to remember one thing. To
the small beer which MR. COWPER does not think of himself in conse-
quence oflthe position he has attained by his talents, assisted by his
step-father's influence, may be traced the name conferred on an inferior
brewage, raised to a fictitious value by the admixture of a superior
tap, and known to a thirsty public as Cooper."

A SOCIAL RArTTLE-SNAKE.-A dice-box; the fascinating powers of
which are something marvellous, and the sting of which is almost
CuRlous.-Some people say that the EMPEROR o THEa FRENCH got
Shis footing in France by legerdemain.


NoVEMBER 8, 1862.]

LitI. R.,.:e against Time.-The heat of the moment, (minutes of the
mathh have not yet reached us).
, .;'.:,,. Etiquette.-Saturn always politely rises when Venus sets.
Curious Taste, and Sad Effect of too much Light.-An elderly gentle-
man died the other evening from over indulgence in a very light
dish of stewed lam.p-rays.


2 BISuoP COLENSO first sees the light on his Natal day.
Rgaoicings of Zulu Kaffirs, and dance of native Poly-
;3 .K Hackingfcoughs let out for hire. Apply at tle offices of
the Cab Company, Hackney.
.4 Tu Stockbrokers' Yachtiag Day. Preparations for rigging
the market for a sale.
.5 W Presentation of our waste-paper basket to Commissioner
FUN-blanque, preparatory to his being taken out as a
-6 Ti iMoney-lenders' Chariot Races. Driving bargains about
the city.
7 Y R'Revivalof cannibalism in Gnaw-folk.
8 S Tailors' Holiday. Master Tailor sits cross-legged on the
Board of Trade, while the others dance a yard measure.

ing, was known as the Cibberito, cried so much when deprived lof this
luxury, that his friends named him thie 1I .ioN-CoI.I.vy ('n11111i.
Borders for the Garden.-Advertise for parlour boarders, then put
them in the garden; they will then be garden boarders, and nothing
more need be said.
The lime never grows to any extent in this country, being restricted
by the statute of lime-itations.

Bolerokins.-Can I graft a pineapple on a rhododendron ? Wo don't
know; consult the DUKE OF GPBANoE.
Julius.-Mary-Gold is no relation tiPelly-An thas, and we don't bolivo
that either of thom ever winked. at you.
Pantomimist.-Some flowers keep green right through the winter.
Columbines are not generally of this class.
Old Boy.-Bills are used for cutting down trees out of doors; you
can't in-doors this sort of bill.
Cracker.-Cocoa-nuts can be grown in this country. The seeds are
only to be procured from two companies; hence the name,
"Co.-Co." nut.
Forks.-A pear may be eaten instead of mutton at dinner ; what Hays
the poet? Sure such a pear was never seen, so justly formed for
meat by nature."
Duimpckin is right; always get your plums at a plumber's.
Tay Bard asks, what are the heraldic devices of a gardeonr ? We
don't know the exact bearings of the subject, but sholild sny,
mustard and crest.
Econnemara.-If you want to make money by your spades, rakes, and
rollers, lend them out for hire. A celebrated monk, much given to
horticultural pursuits, acquired a lareo fortl uno in this manner; it is

THE GARDEN. needless to observe that we allude to Savr-oe,--rolcr.
Garden Cavrpesyering.-Build a little shed in the middle of your
garden; hang up your hoe inside, and stop there for several hours,
until somebody asks you, Why you do it ?" when reply, "Because
wee shed so," and quit the place. A LITTLE SONG FOR LITTIAE STATESMEN.
How to Cultivate a Strip of Land.-If a garden, remove every Air-"Sing a song of sixpouce."
plant, shrub, tree, grass, and vegetable. This will be a strip of
land. This, of course, is merely a bare idea, which the earnest SING of double shuffle,
horticulturist will work out for himself. With your finger in your eye,
Flowers in Seison.-Daysies anl nightsiez. The flowering water- RA\'.\zzi and EMANu.EL,
cress and small hand-bro;nn. The ltbasroses or not-tu-be-roses, that Eating humble pie;
is the question. Warming-pan-ies, very seasonable. Ox-eyes, bull's- When the pio is eaten,
eyes, and brandy-ballflowers. The poreinuial boxing-glove. Italian uni-ty
The young gardener should never go to sleep among his lupins, Is fi'ther ol'than over,
lest he be troubled with cramp, or lu-pins and needles in his feet. Sings a little hird to mo.
If the energetic horticulturist sees two lilies in his garden, let him Sing of annexation,
say fiercely, This is a lily too much," and cut it down. And don't forget Savoy;
If the florist possesses nice light sauny hair, by all means sow MoNsiEtaI' TIUOVVENIl,, the clever,
mustard and.oress and other tropical shrubs in it. The soil must be Rubs his hands with joy;
very sandy and plenty of lhir, and, if near the plain (probably the Ere Italy's united
florist's face), so much the better. From Pola to Capri,
A nice employment in the day is to extract by suction the sugar The French must collar Susa,
from candy turf; it is a good substitute for the domestic lump in tea. Or Sardinia by the sea.*
We have had a letter from a young lady, complaining that all her
young hyacinths are dead. It is no good threatening, us with an Sing of GARInBALI,
indictment; we didn't do it, but will buy a hat-oand. Whom you've pardoned" like a knave;
Now is the time for distilling wine from Ilowecs. You can begin by Too honest for a statesman,
preparing an appropriate light drink for Christmas day, which may be Too noble for a blave
termed the holly-hook. To EMANUEL nine millions
If the invalid gardener wishes to procure seeds in a packet, let him Of new subjects once gave he ;
go to Folkestone and see the Boulogne boat arrive. This is always a For that he lies a cripple
very seedy packet, and contains some curious specimens. In Spezzia by the sea
We have lately made a number of changes in our own garden, Sing a song of turncoats,
which we advise our friends to imitate. First, we went into the Sing a song of knaves,
garden and changed sixpence, and thought we'd give it to the Who'd sell to France the flowers
gardener. Secondly, we changed our minds, and thought we wouldn't. Upon their mothers' graves;
Thirdly, being on the right side of the path, we changed it to the Freedom's long a-coming,
left. Fourthly, we then changed our boots, and withdrew. But in GOD's good time we'll see,
Every gardener should know how to charm slugs; we don't. The right shall ride victorious,
We are glad to say that our suggestions about military gardening And the wrong shall fail and flee.
at Aldershot have been attended to; and it is, indeed, a -heart-rend-
ing (that isn't the word we want, which means something quite ----------
different) sight to behold the flower of the army in full bloom, and the
general, on a fine summer's evening in November (for they have WHAT Is UNPARDONxABLE.-A woman may forgive her friend for
obtained leave for this luxury from the Horse Guards), digging having a new house, husband, or lover; but a new bonnet, when she
potatoes for the morning's meal ; while, from the luscious fruits around herself has none-never !
them, happy sons of Mars are distilling the juices, and drinking glasses_______
full of sweet cannonade. Oh! as the poet sings, and we heartily r owr
echo the sentiment. In a conversation held in Mav .lait, between NA'PO.EON 71.,TI LoUn 'owf,7,v,
echo the sentiment. and M. TnouTvnr E,, the E wpsno said that the principle he lrid down in the
Melons area delicious fruit, and require great care. It was much case of Nice aid Savoy must again be laid down in case of further annexi-
esteemed by literary men. COLLEY CIBBER, who, in matters of feed- ion being made by VICTOu EMANtuvt.."


/ 1


NovwMrEl 8, 1862.

, ', i

- 714=I_.


Lady Nimrod Cotton to Jones, who has called to solicit a subscription to the Lancashire Distress Fund :-" REALLY, EVERYTHING IS SO EXPEN-

Air-" Over the sea."
INTO the mud, into the mud,
Over your shoes, where it.comes in a flood,
Rises the mud, as, chewing the cud
Of fancy you're walking along.
And it's splash, splash, splash,
With cabs, and what wus is, the cheap omnibusses,
That dash, dash, dash,
Their wheels in the way of the throng.
Oh it's into the mud, into the mud,
Which so many people now stick in, oh, lud!
Into the mud, it's hopeless to stud-
Y neatness in walking along.
Right in the mud, left through the mud,
All who are out in the streets have to scud,
And wade through a flood of macadamized mud,
If you only walk home to your door
And it's slosh, slosh, slosh,
Very good for the trade of the shoeblack brigade,
But all bosh, bosh, bosh,
To say we can't help it, I'm sure.
So stick to the mud, stick to the mud,
All who a grievance would nip in the bud;
Down with the mud, off with the mud,
Cry, The scavenger's coming," once more.

Over your legs, over your legs,
FUN, with a pair of them, earnestly begs
A trial of things, fastened with springs,
From which you'll fear splashing no more.
For the street, neat feet
They keep from the splash of the mud that will dash,
A complete street treat,
As many have found long before.
Then you splash through the mud, dash through the mud,
Without caking your trousers with slush as you scud;
And when you get home, sponge, water, and sud
Make your leggings as clean as before.

DR. BARING, Bishop of Durham, having recently signalized himself,
by publicly ordering three newspaper reporters to leave the chancel
of a church in which he was about to charge his faithful clergy, at his
primary visitation, and go to the low end of the building behind the
clergy," lest his sacred eyes should be offended by seeing any persons
engaged in the profane task of note-taking (although the day was
neither Friday nor Sunday) :
it is Icret~b orbaret, that the said DR. CHARLES BARING do forthwith
assume the name and arms of OVERBEARING.
Given at the Heralds' College, in Fleet-street, in the City of Lon-
don, this First day of November, One thousand eight hundred and

THE SUBURBAN DISTRICTS."-The underground railways.

F TT -IJT.-NoVEMBlER 8, 1862.

Hi ad Gordr.lr (w'ilil much feeling) :-" BEAUTIFUL SYSTEM, EH ? PITY TO CHANGE IT!"

SoVJEM1rDaEE 8, 1862.]



SbN of the QUEEN, whom England loves,
And of the PRINCE, whom England wept;
The birthday, which this year is kept,
Your claim to manly honours proves.
Heaven plenteously endows your age,
Beside our widowed QUEEN you stand
Chief noble of the earth's chief land,
A people's love your heritage.
You wed ere long a fair young bride,
Whose kindly looks and maiden grace,
E'en now have won for her a place
In England's heart and England's pride.
May you that perfect union find,
Your mother's wedded life has known,
The union not of hands alone,
But of the heart, and soul, and mind.
The,crown your future will award,
(Yet may that day be distant long!)
Is no inheritance of wrong
That must be guarded by the sword.
Your lot has fallen in times of peace,
We need no royal chief in war,
For all our strifes and feuds are o'er-
Heaven grant they may for ever cease !
Nor yet from the great kingly part
The whiteclad Peace at all detracts:
A noble mind and generous acts
Can earn the name of Lion-heart."
GoD gives you His best gifts to keep,
By earnest thoughts and goodly deeds:
Neglect not, for pomp's short-lived weeds-
The harvest that He bids you reap.
So may He save our PRINCE and QUEEN,
Till long your praises thus redound-
He is the kingliest king, uncrowned,
That England's eyes have ever seen."
So may your life's extremes span
Bear out the promise of your youth,
And England boast of you-with truth-
As the worl,'s foremost gc !Jeman.

No. 34.-By N--T-N-L H-wrTU-RNE.
RAMBLINO on foot in the spring of the year, and with spirits almost
as fresh and vernal, through the state of Massachusetts, 1 halted, one
noon, at the junction of four cross roads. For here 1 behold a travellirg
caravan; and having much of the true vagabond spirit in me in those
old days, it was never without an interest closely bordering upon
sympathy, that I could gaze at any of these houses upon wheels.
Truth to speak, the proprietor of the one upon which 1 gazed had
much in his appearance and much in his manner which gradually
quickened the idle curiosity of the lounger into the earnest interest
of the student. Of many a by-gone winter the traces were upon his
head; his beard was very long, and silvery in its hue, and his features
were deeply furrowed and worn, not, as it seemed, by ago alone, but by
sorrow and endurance as well. I addressed him with a cheery traveller's
hail; he bowed gravely, and motioned me to enter his caravan. Ho
was a travelling showman, nothing more; and yet rethought, as I
entered his abode, that my steps had crossed the border of a ysterious
land. Noy, I shivered, with somewhat of apprehension and alarm, as
I took the hand which he hold out to me. Doubtless, it was but, the
dream of an over-wrought fancy; but methought I clasped theo hand
of Death himself, and assuredly there passed a sound through the cara-
van, low, hollow, and mysterious, that seemed the very wail of the grave.
I know not whether the distempered dreams that hold riot in my
brain gave token of themselves by outward signs, or whether, with a
peculiar power and skill, the old man read the secrets of my inmost,
heart; but he smiled at me, with an air of infinite knowledge anld
superiority; and when he next spoke, there was a tone of mockery
in his voice. "You are curious, sir," lie said ; "your eyes wndler
swiftly round this poor house of mine. Let me allow you, myself,
what it has of wonderful. To the vulgar, a peepshow, and nothing
more; it may prove to be something elso, something higher to a
scholar like Master Ullathorno."
I know not how had learnt my name; but his abrupt announce-
ment thereof sent a strange thrill through my very marrow. Obeying
his instructions, I went to the other end of the caravan, and gazed at
what was called, in staring characters, the Cosmoramic Cyclornma
of the Universe." At first the views were but of the ordinary peep-
show nature. GENERAL WASHINGTON, in bright uniform, received the
sword of CORNWALLIS, who was in uniform yet brighter; WELI O'lON
met BLUCHERon the field of Waterloo ; Lisbon tottered with the cnrthi-
quake; and the molten lava gushed forth from Vesuvius. "Tush "
I cried, "these are but the old stock-in-trade of the itinerant; hlist
nothing that a Man may see ?" Whereat, smiling very coldly and
cruelly, he bade me still look on; and suddenly the pictures changed.
No longer tawdry daubs of common colour, they wero illuminedi
with a glory of the pit; no longer the vain, Linmulncra of trite
occurrences, they were strange, wild, and mysterious pictures ofhlumnu
life. Charcoal-burners, in the very heart of the Blalik F'orost, gahllred
round their fire; its lurid glare blazed upon the black trees around
with a solemn splendour; andin their midst, smiling, with asFnile not
widely different from the smile of the strange old man, stood ti(e Evil
Onehimself, counting his spoil. Of a sudden, the scene changed. Down
the rapids, in a frail, birch-bark canoe, went a young Jndiaim hunter
and his bride; the sunshine played and sparkled on the rushing
waters, and lit them up into sudden iridescence; but yonder, where
the pine, shadows fell thickly, stood, or so it seemed, the iningo
of my mysterious showman; and as he smiled, an arrow seemed to
strike the Indian in the heart. lHe flung Ilis aims wildly up, and
fell; with a hoarse scream, the woman sprung to aid him ; and in
another moment, the canoe was beaten and crashed, with its f'cight,
among the rocks. Pictures as strange as these, nny, stranger still,
followed each other rapidly. Gloom, and the apprehension of an
unknown danger filled my very soul. Dense clouds of vapour, dull nnd
dead pei'umos, that seemed to have stolen ircm long-forgotten vaults,
appeared to. suffuse the caravan; and still, with a smile that was
terrible: : its utter intensity of cynicism, the old man steadily
regarded ne.
But at the very moment when my brain was about to fail me,
when the subtle, and yet sombre horror of the scene was deepening
to its awful climax, I heard a merry laugh. A youth, with sunshine
in his eyes, and the second volume of FUN in his hand, had entered
the caravan ; and in a few moments the clouds rolled away. Swiftly
the evil vapours were dispelled, and the keen breath of spring, laden
with a thousand odours from the forest, was cooling my fwevred brow;
and the old man's smile, no longer terrible, was vsw eeu and IltLhrly.

SQUArING THE CIRCLE.-Most of our upper circles live in Fquarcs.

rFT,,-,rr,-n 0 1CcOn




DEAR ANNE,-You received my seraphic message the other evening,
which accounted for our not deriving as we had originally distended,
The relays that we met with on the day of our supposed departure you'd
hardly believe. We were going down to Leeds (just to see AUNT LucY)
first of all, and thought that we might spend a day in her quarters.
Well, we had packed up everything. When I say we," I mean MARY,
myself, and our housemaid, who is one of the best defendants in a minion
position of life that I ever knew ; not like our last one, JANE, whose cha-
racter said that she could turn her hand to anything, and, after she was
gone, we found that she had taken ever so many things, and we were
obliged to send policemen after her, who all came back without her. So
much for the civil expletives! But that is neither here nor there, and as
I was saying, we three packed up ourselves, and MR. H., although he'd
only got one pomatum and a hat-box to look after, wouldn't touch our
trunks or cords, no, not with his little finger. There were no keys to
be found. Well, we started for King's-cross station; we'd hardly got
half-way there, when, finding that I'd left my purse, bonnet-box, and
a brown paper parson behind, we had to come the whole way back.
However, having got all our trunks, boxes, and such like, together,
away we went in two four-willed caps to the station, and just derived
as the whizzlo of the elgin sounded, and away went a train, which, I
thank my stars, was not ours. Mia. I. took the tickle, while I,
thinking I'd trussed the porter with my luggage, got hold of an
officious, and confined the trunks to his care. After being libelled,
they were towed away somewhere out of sight. The numbers of trains
that were going off by the platform, and the numbers of people going
by the train, is very confusing, and if a polite guard hadn't acted as
our caviller, I don't know what we should have done, only after
we were comfortably unscorclied in a carriage, we found it was a
wrong one. Me. 11. discovered our mistake, and took us to the
right place. It just wanted five minutes to the starting time, when
I sullenly became aware that I had left my best bonnet-box in the
waiting-room. I begged my husband to run for it; he uttered the
most fearful anthems, as usual, got out, and made for the room.

Judge my feelings, ANNE, when, no sooner had he disappeared from my
view, than I found the box at the back, under the seat ;and just as I did
so, the bell rang, and though I tried to explain the affair to the man
who said it was all right," we went off at the rate of any number of
miles you like an hour. There we were, being carried away, luggage
and all, while MR. H. was left in town. What was to be done?
The best thing, I thought, was to get out at the first station, and then
Mlh. H., who would certainly follow us in the next train, would, when
they stopped, see us from the carriage window, and join us at the
same place. So when the 2 45 stopped at Hitchin, out we got, and
waited patiently. At length came the down train from London,
and MARY and myself rejoiced at the notion of meeting. But, oh!
ANNE he only had time to wave his hand to us, as he flashed past
in the twinkling of an eye, for the train in which he was travelling
was the express. We scarcely had got over this shock when we
remembered that all our luggage had gone on to Leeds with the train
which we had just left. We couldn't go back. So, by the advice of
the station-master, we proceeded by the next train to Peterborough.
Now this would have made matters all right, had it not been that
this train, which should have been at its Thomas by 6 11, was relayed
for one hour by a good train-a bad train, I thought-which got in front
of us when it ought to have been somewhere else, and we didn't get
into Peterborough until 7 30, just in time to see Mn. H. again waving
his hand out of the window of the 7 28 train, by which he was going
back to meet us at Hitchin. Oh! I was so vexed! We sent a
message by the wires to Leeds, and our luggage was forwarded, by
mistake, to its original destitution-that is, the place where we had
started from, London. So to save trouble, we retracted our steps
and returned to town, where we met MR. H. and the luggage in a
sweet state of profusion. My senses were so shattered, and we were
so unwell after this serious of countertongs, that we gave up going
into the country at present, and our departure, MR. H. says, is put off
sign a dicaway, whatever that means. So no more at present from
your unhappy sister, MATR ANNE HODGKINSON.

I __

-- --

K1 .I 1 1k. I

1F-TUN .

NOVEMBER 8, 1862.]

O be sure, we have fre-
quently met with scan-
dalous advertisements in
which dishonest clergy-
% propose to write sermons
i\ "to any views" for the
less talented, or the more
S lazy, in the clerical profes-
sion ; but we never before
saw this kind of spiritual
swindling carried to such
I a pitch as in the following
S ERMONS.-A London in-
k oumbent, who preaches
to a large and educated oon-
gregation, is ready to lend
Sl-hi9s sermons to a very limited
--mmnbernfsubscribers. Terms
___ _2_amonth. Viewsviimedii.
--Name and address will be
given and required in oonfl.
dence.-Ecolesiastes, care of,
There is- a coolness in,
"Ecclesiaates'" proposi.
tion to aHlo his'braine to
cironlate. tfain ane dis-
honest, dunder-headed apostle to another .whioh.is-absohltelystirtl-.ing;
If some stop is not saorplacedupon~this diagracefulsatemof sindiing,
we shall soon heaf-nathing from the pmlpit-but the same sermon'over
and over again Here-wa. have A, who writes a sermon, and sells the
copyright of it, to B, C andD. B, C,and IDpreaoh:the same sermon
(clothed, perhaps, in somewhat diffeni wards), and then probably.
retail this second edition to the rest of the alphabet, as a perfectly
original production;. and as-an original production of their own, the
rest of the alphabietpublish A'ssaermnon to their flock.
The only reason- we have to donbt the extensive nature of these
practices is the-fae that nine-tenths of-the- sermons that it is our lot
to hear, are such that the.veriest mnff who ever scrambled through a
degree could write after dinner. If anybody buys them of another
before he retails them to his congregation as his own, he may rest
assured that he throws his money away; for, ass as he may be, he
could certainly write as intelligent an original sermon as those he
forges and publishes as his own.

MR. PEACOCKE, one of the Essex Conservatives, at Colohester the
other day, gave what he pretended was a quotation from Loan
"The harvests of Arretinm this year young men will reap,
This year young boys in Umbro will plunge the strugglig sheep;
And in the vats of Luna this year the must shall foam
Round the white feet of dancing-girls whose sires have marched to Rome."
We beg leave to say that this is a hatch of Ma. PEACOCKE'S own, and
no lay of Loan MACAULAY'S. MACAULAY does not speak of the usual
occurrence of the harvesters being young men, but of the unusual
circumstance of their being old men, who, however sickly, do not
usually take to reaping. Nor does he say that all the young women
of Luna, were ballet-girls, any more than he calls the inhabitants
lunatics; If these misquotations are intentional, it shows a very
pitiful ambition in the PEACOCKE who uses them. He would injure
the liberal politician and poet when dead, whom he would have
dreaded when living. If they are unintentional, we would warn the
M.P. for Maldon not to quote in future unless he can do so correctly.
It would be useless to warn him not to attempt subjects he does not
understand, for these very misquotations occur in a speech of his on

THs RIGHT Locus POR Focus.-The Turks are to have a great
Exhibition. We should be charmed to send them the designer of our
last building, and they might keep him as long as they liked, only we
fear that our proposal might be& considered by the Sultan insulting.
We think it very likely that CAPTAIN FOWKE, too, would be effendi-ed.
MOST PROBABLY.-Did the expression, "covers were laid" for so
many, as thp number may be, originate at the "Fox Club dinners ?

FooL.-It has been said it takes a wise man to mako a fool, liut
though the reflection is not calculated to sustain the supeiorority of the
sterner sex, we might advantageously reinibell)r that, it does ot tiell
even a wise woman to make a fool of' man. le is most wise who adnil s
he has sometimes been other-wise. A fool was ftrnuerly kept by
kings and persons of rank as a jster, an, on aunrl l of the hauighter
created, he was especially retained at dinner as a di-gesltr.
FoOT.-No encyclopedia, of course, would be complete without tlh,
editor putting his foot in it. It may be described as an article adapted
to the lowest understanding.
FORK.-Nono of the sovereigns of EngIl had d forks till aflor the
reign of HENRY VIII., but all, high and low, nied their fingers at the
table; hence, perhaps, the origin of somebody having a linger in tlh
pie. The first forks made in this country woro of wood, and Ilhey
were first used by the nobility, who, though they began to con-nivo
at their adoption by the middle classes, spiko of them afterwards
contemptuously as being handled by a lot of fbrk-wood people.
JAMEs I. will be remembered as having introduced three-prongod
FAAWKES. Of his dexterity in turning this instrument to account lhe
was very proud. FAWKES was called three-pronged FAPyhns became.
on his trial, he said he had three deep wrongs, which caused him to
take up what he did.
ForTrrCATION means, literally, the "-maling strong" of any plheo
or thing whatever. Sage and onions will thus fortify a geose sad
you.may so fortify a glass of grog that it could not be taken' wlolnt
difficulty. VABnAN, the master of this art, bansted, that lie could
,make something which no. enemy of his master, Louis XIV.,.ehonld
ever be able to take, and he justified his assertion by makinga.joko
which nobody has been able to take yet. An old Enaglih chronicler
says,." No sooner did he see a weak place, than to't went his engineers,
and th -forraes defied a tlLatack.' Of conse, faoulties thus connected
with "to 't went his," must hare been-espeoiallyadapted to fortifying.
FouNTAIff.-It is a pretty sight:to as aafointain play, for the water
generally runs about in a moas.elsiileaiting manner. The finest site
in Europe is-esid-InmbMe-ao im i~ ar-squaro, but the fountains thoro
exhibited hav-B'bema cited as the worst that over sprung up anywhere.
The only thing about them connected with fine art is the fine artesian
well from which they draw their supplies. Drinking fountains have
been introduced in all our principal towns, and thus have rendered
the poor inhabitants independent of any other system of spouting to
allay their thirst.
FoX-HUNTING has long been termed the king of British national
sports, and the hunters have often found--le talionis-somoe thrown
for it. The old fox-hunter, who equally enjoyed his sport before and
his port after dinner, is not met with now so frequently as formerly,
and the pack offoxhounds, which often cost several thousand guineas,
kept to worry to death the animal so gallantly chased by a party of
English gentlemen and ladies, would seem to be regarded now by
many as a pack of nonsense. The sport flourishes most in the
midland counties, where the extensive tracts of pasturage enable
the scent to lie straight, but even there it has been diminishing
during the present scent-awry.

A LETTER, appropriately dated Pesth, states that this unfortunate
country is becoming infested with brigands:-
"A band of them lately invnlded i country house at the moment when the
master was at table withalarge number of noesta. A part of the invnilers, who
were all well armed, guarded the doors, while the others went in and seated
themselves, musket in hand, at a table with their guesta, ate with tf.hm, and
even offered cigars to their neighbours. They afterwards compelled a. young
lady who was present to sit down to the piano, and play them some opera airs
and Hungarian songs. The lady, as may be supposed, did not feel much at her
ease, for she constantly saw muskets directed towards her."
If it were not distinctly stated in the letter that two regiments of
infantry have been sent after these ruffians, we should have concluded
they were only a detachment of Austrian soldiers. They could not
have behaved worse if they had been; and, considering that the two
regimzmnts above mentioned will be quartered at the country house,
we are not sure wnetner the remedy v,:i ou be round to be worse
than the disease.

BY YOUR LEAVES.-Why will the City of London be kept a profound
secret for the next twelvemonths ?-Because it will besub RosA. Hush!
LEGAL INTELLIGENCE.-The long vacation having terminated, the
wider wakation commences.


____ ~

I _

80 F T NT. [NOVEMBER 8, 1862.

L-- -X /- -
./- '
~- --


Air-" In the Strand."
CoUP, bring me forth your knives and scissors,
If you would have them cut "like finers."
Knives to grind! knives to grind! knives to grind!
And bring your razors, if you'd fain
Have such as "cut and come again."
Knives to grind! knives to grind! knives to grind!
Oh! I, for twopence-fancy-how low! how low!
Their edge restore for evermore,
How very cheap, just fancy!
Though knives have laid to rust in the gutter,
And got so blunt that they won't tear butter-
Knives to grind! knives to grind! knives to grind!
I will get them soon into prime condition,
To split hairs, first chop, like a sharp logician!
Knives to grind! knives to grind! knives to grind!
Oh! I, for twopence-fancy, etc.
Though your scissors are only wretched snippers,
My grinding will make them "regular clippers."
Knives to grind! knives to grind! knives to grind!
And although of your razors you now complain,
They shall never get "into a scrape" again.
Knives to grind! knives to grind! knives to grind!
Oh! I, for twopence-fancy, etc.

Ex PEDs HERCLur.-A black-leg may have a deer's-foot.

OrHo of Greece from his kingdom has fled,
Because he no longer was wanted;
He managed to nobble
Each drachma and obol-
Now from the Levant he's levanted.

THE DEPTH or DEGRADATION.-nAmerica snbected to the praises of

IF EVERY ONE, who leaves his home early on the morning of the
sharo NomDorbemi Will OM a2 1% Fkn StD E Gein HmI ear CC So0ETlSG
-VERY KOH TO vTHE1B ABDVATACE. In dte a se tthe a tmf ring te
mmEnt hEn tee is WD geenmos iMfpae to liy outn tue srmaniisa ,an srm ose
Pen) we wask--
p)ABMI-VOUS YEANCAIS? Many to whom, at the present
l sor Io etber, No; wre an amby spk pAlbt Iiuk
WUich, Co iaoin an the .m-emaiam tns f Csdae, ami0 Blti Srtu the alni
FtaaIan aI e.u F Eoash alfd, e Ieal
WR BITE FOA FBS 17 iALMONACR.l"i em SI,1e atOfa miSHIN-a= t PTE8
ALs. wIe sake the GqWit y ofi rtSiC

TOM.Ie SbU af A ftfp t tont;ak. letm a N a n rfi eo-kog, lq
0x E eBrant,,n- It t h N Sf ap ti nai t a tte.k fm uieS hed
Pem&oS Me ,g gps
Ga l oB.-tshe peawr, amai a 6 pto.
im ~ ~ 05 2,1QM2SST.

Fr-ited and Pablizbd [for haL Rrcprteu--) bF CIURLEAP .L2 17, a: t ~ r5r q--,%c. M7-en-=e=, 1jt

NOVEMBER 15, 1862.] J 1


(From Our Special Old Lady Correspondent.)
LAWKS bless me! here's the old time come round, which for many a
year I remember,
The Lord Mayor's day, as a body may say, which in course is the
ninth of November;
But as this year the practice of MOORE's Almanack 'tis to cause it to
fall on a Sunday,
We in course must change then the nine into ten, and make our great
fun day a Monday.
And, being fond of music and all such games, and specially taking to
I look out for the show as I used to do in the lifetime of poor dear
Which a highly respectable man he was, as I to my lodgers would
And a gentleman engaged in the city all day, and who only came
home at dark;
For he waited at MR. SIMPSON's house, the famous fish ordinary,
That used to be held, and perhaps is now, leastwise if it ain't the
About one and four at a tavern, I'm sure, though the gents all behave
as sich in,
He'd be coming home smelling so dreadfully of fish, it was just like
Billingsgate in the kitchen.
Well, poor dear man, he used to say, If I only could be presented,
As a man-in-armour for Lord Mayor's day, I know I should die con-
tented ;"
But he never was anything of the sort, and it's lucky, too, he wasn't
put in it,
For what with the rheumatiz bad in his legs, I know he'd have put his
foot in it;

Dut, as I was saying about the show, it's a day to which I looks
And comforts myself with a good glass of rum, from my lodger's own
shelf, which is borrowed;
For it's curious enough, though lie's shabby and mean, and locks up
his things like a miser,
That I've got a small key fits his lock to a T, and he's never a bit tho
Well, I'd just been putting his joint down to roast, and thrown up a
good heap of cinders,
And tidied myself to go up-stairs, and see it all out of the winders,
When who should come in but old MRs. JoNEiS, who rcads all the news
in the papers,
Which is more than I ever can do, or shall, for it gives me the blues
and the vapours;
And says she, "MA s. GRIDDLES," says she, "that V'mn-(usiing a
vulgar expression),
"If there's to be any black knights to-day in the now Lord NlMyor's
"Any what ? says I. Any black knights," says she, no Garibaldi's
to be more partick'lar."
Why, you don't mean to go for to say," says I, and up went my
back-comb perpendicular,
"That there ain't to be any dark knight seen at all, as often as I've
clapped eyes on it? "
"I mean what I says," says she, in her way, and T think thmt's
about the size on it."
Well, I opened my eyes and I lifted my hands, for I couldn't hblievo
my ears,
And I felt all the world as if my poor heart was a-going to burst into
And I said, "MRS. JONES," says I, rather sharp, "it will soon be
aperient whether
You've told me the rights," but I felt all the while you might knock
me right down with a feather.
Oh! what's that ? says I, and I turned to the rum, but she'd gone
and drank every drop of it,
Hark at that," says I. It's the show," says she, up the street,
and they're passing the top of it."
Well, off we went and just got a sight, by standing a tip-too to see
Of sixteen hats that marched right along, but I don't know what
heads were beneath 'em ;
And there was a bant, which some said was but boys, but a man
who looked like he'd been drinking,
Declared they was all the original trumpeters washed and got small
in the shrinking.
And then I saw lots of flags, and such like, and banners, and all in a
lump 'em is,
And them I was told were borne by the arms of the beer-caters, and
such city companies;
And there was a dear cocked-hat all alone, a-going as true as a needle,
Which anybody with half an eye could see as belonged to a beadle;
And there was the knights, which at ASILEY'S I've seen all a riding
about in the circus,
With one or two looking as if they'd been packed up in block-tin to
go to the work'us;
And blocked in they were, and no knights, as I'll swear, to the end of
my days and last hour,
They'd better have borrowed that alderman armour they keep for a
show in the Tower.
For oh! goodness me, how they twisted about and wriggled, and some
who applauded durst
Distinctly declared it as good as a play, only wanting the orange-peel
and sawdust.
Well, at last came the MAron, with his carriage, and there my eyes
by good fortune ence lit upon,
His sword-bearer, stout, dithering-dothering about, with nothing, I'm
certain, to sit upon.
"We ought to be grateful, I'm sure," says I, though I don't know
what poverty might bring about,
That, with all our hardships, we haven't to crook up our knees and to
carry that thing about.
So just be contented," says I, Mls. JONES, and as we take our small
drop of rum, too,
Think-I know he'll be poking out somebody's eyes-what some
such poor folks have to come to."
But there we were fixed, and we couldn't get out, both crammed,
rammed, and jammed in a corner,
And there I lost sight of poor Mits. JoNEs, though I did all I could well
to warn her,


82 U T. [NOVEMBER 15, 1862.

For, though I screeched out at the top of my voice, not to go and be OUR PRIZE ESSAYS.
lost and be silly,
She never turned up till the day after that, having drifted right down No. 35.-BY N. P. W-LL--s.
Piccadilly. i i I A well aware, ami lecteur, that our free and enlightened citizens
el, left in a mess, Ijst looked at my dress, and torn ino ribands I have a strong penchant and proclivity for graphic word-photographs
And a nice new bonnet I had on my head, was as flat as the flowers of the surroundings, amidst which eminent Europeans are located. In
Sund it. my endeavour to gratify this very proper feeling, I have been fre-
Sat last I got home I never could tell, if you downed on your quently accused, by a venal press, of bad taste and snobbishness. I
Howknees to beseech I got home I never cod te, if yo downed on ydo not greatly care whether these charges are true or false. It was
But if ever I go a sight-seeing again, this a valuable lesson will teach n y power to gratify the laudable curiosity of a mighty people ; and
m ve. I guess I did so. Considerable! Some! My books were attacked;
It's all very well for the folks who are tall, after shows and such like but I calculate e ver had was passed at Deeplandsold.
to be gapers, One of the pleasantest times I ever had was passed at Deeplands,
But I'll be content with the penny I've spent, to read all that's seen England, the seat of VIcoT P., an eminent European statesman.
in the papers. He is one of the most remarkable men that Great Britain ever raised.
St p In age above seventy, his manners are jaunty, and his demeanour is
affable and gay. He is not marked with the small-pox. On arriving
at his seat, I was escorted to my rooms by a help, who is paid more
LETTERS FROM A YOUNG MARRIED LADY. than 600 dollars per annum. In one room there was a round thing ii,
japanned ware, in which, I guess, the Britons bathe- His noble lard-
NO. XXVI.-CONCERNING SERVANTS' DRESS. ship dines at half-past seven, so I took out my dress, fixings, and, as
it was rather a state occasion, I put on my purple vest. It caused
E assured, Mr. Editor, that servants, some sensation among the oligarchical tax-eaters ; and I could see the
as somebody very justly remarks, MARCHIONESS OF D. taking a sly glance at me. I handed LADY ARA-
are the plague of life, and I do most BELLA G. (a maid of honour of VIcToxIA, Britain's pride) down to the
positively declare that no annoy- meal, which was luscious and abundant. It was served d la Russe,
dance in the world can equal that and there were some pines on table which could not have stood
which springs from a retinue of VISCOUNT P. in less than three dollars each. Perhaps he raised them
domestics. Nothing, Mr. Editor, himself, for he has a conservatory. I thought the occasion a good one
conduces more to the respectability for vindicating the superiority of Republican institutions, and for exhi-
of a householder than neat and re- biting the freshness and freedom of the individual man; so I squeezed
spectable servants, and wheneverI AABELLA's hand and trod on her toes (under the rose and under
Engage a female servant I invari- the mahogany), and cried out, "VISCOUNT P., a good deal of taxes
Sabl inpress fpon aeir the necessity must have been swallowed up for this re-fection! I don't think
that exists fa r dressing herself in a the people seemed altogether to like it, and AuABELLA (but how
remarkably 2ict manner. Thisn fickle is woman!) absolutely glared at me. What's the odds ?
especially insisted upon when en- VIscoUNT P. was as gay as a bird, and told me, with a wink, that my
Staging JANE, my housemaid, who, conservation reminded him of several other travelling Americans
as I was given to understand, was whom he had met. A strange old fish is Visco NT P. After diner,
addicted to unwarrantable extravad I told him some racy stories about our female slaves down south.
g\man tct eier ncapparel. I must ad- AABELLA's brother kept on frowning at me, but I was not to be
mit that ever since she entered my suppressed by a dragoon captain. After a game at blind man's buff
\\ service sho, has always appeared (in which I caught ARABELLA, but her brother trod upon my toes, of
that whenever I have directed her course, by mistake!) we went to bed about twelve. During the
Stake a ribbon from haer cap oi r a night, I thought I would explore. I went outside VIscoUNT P.'s door,
b it of embroiderybbon from her cap or a and heard him laughing loudly. On peeping through the key-hole, I
Ssho had invariably done so without observed that he was reading FrN. In the morning (after pouring
Sidemuri. In short, I battered m- some water in the bath, so as to make the helps believe my manners
elf th' In short, I battered my- were Britannic) I went down to the breakfast-room and gave a
self t hat d quite ressy habits. But domestic half a dol. to put my chair next to my ARABELLA'S. The
yester flaunting dressy her a holiday ths. But meal was expensive and profuse; so I said to P., with a wink, Guess
yesterday I gave her a holiday that you ain't going to reduce the income-tax yet awhile, old hoss! P.
shwedding,ht e present at herI was sittinger a seemed to wince some, and proposed we should go out gunning. I
breakfast with Edding, and as I was sitting atppened shot a very nice bird, it was a hen pheasant; and when I showed it to
''' breakfast with a gi I happened ARABELLA'S brother, he burst out laughing (gay dogs those dragooning
she left the house. She had on a officers), and said that my skill as a sportsman was equal to my tact
\ lefghelt ren silk ess wtha ra as a conversationist. I do not know what he meant by the remark:
a script green silk desscloak, a i but as all the English laughed, I suppose it was some local allusion
a scarlet colleen n cloak, a tremendo The gamekeepers seemed savage with me, so I did not give any of
w -hite bmnet with w a tremendous them half a dol. I like equality, but helps should know how to
white veil (without which, Iverily behave. I told P. so, with a dig in the ribs, which he scarcely
be efiently solemnized), believe, no servant's wedding could appeared to relish. After all, there is something essentially corrupting
be efficiently solemnized), lemon.coloured gloves, Balmoral boots, with in aristocratical institutions. At dinner (I wore a green vest turned
a row of pearl buttons up the sides like peas in a pod, a blue parasol, m toratical institutions. At dinner ( wore a green vest turned
with a white lining,-and a precious peeress she thought herself, uI p with yellow) the guests were chiefly ecclesiastics. There were
warraitnt ou. herself the BisHoP or 0., the DEAN or C., CARDINAL W., and the REV.
nt C. H. S. I calculated it was a good opportunity for ventilating a few
I needn't tell you, dear Mr. Editor, that my first impulse was to theological notions, and I tried to engage W. in an argument about
tap at the window, and make her change every single thing she had ormon ism. P. took me aside during the evening an told me that
But EDwIN prevented my doing so, telling me, in his coarse way, to Mormonism. P. took me aside during the evening, and told me that
But EnDWIN prevented my doing so, telling me, in his coarse way, to there was a new opera to be produced that night at Covent Market,
" let the poor d-- (bad word, dear Mr. Editor) enjoy herself in her and th was a new opera to he produced that night at Covent Market,
own way; that it was little pleasure the girl (she isn't a girl, or any- for the last act. I was much obliged for his kindness, and (although
thing like it, and sever will be) ever had: that she was out of the I should have liked another evening with Ainnes,) I packed up
house and couldn't compromise me or anybody in it, and that it was hand went away. Altogether a delightful visit, and I am sure that
a d- (very bad word this time) shame to blight her scanty holidays every one was pleased.
by sending my authority out to walk arm in arm with her. e y e was p
ho-yon not despise a man who pokes his id jticvTns Oose into house-
hold matters, dear Mr. Editor ? EDWIN will he wanting to give out
the grocers and to count the linen from tho wash, next. It is PrO YERBTA PHlTIqny.- "There is many a true word spoken in
simply unmanly-that's the word, r:imai1iy-and I told him so.-- F -\." D-? Sa;, We s'old rather think there iS.-ED.
Your sincere friend, ,GELi.A BiT O. [_ e should rather think there is.-ED.]
Ksingtont C TIoxAL.-" 0 trumpery! 0 Molal SH "



F T-U.- .

Exclusiveness of the Heavenly BoJies.--Wo hear that it is very difficult
to gain admittance into the Sun-set.
Mr. JEolus begs to announce that there will be a different wind next
week, in fact, quite a fresh one.-Address, prepaid, Gale Lodge,
Bulletin.-The Moon being unwell, it's wane has been opened. A
change recommended.


9 Z My LoRD MAYlR's Day. Feast of Gog and Magog; people
all agog,
10 M Annual prayer-meeting in the Prairies.
11 Tu Conversazione at Chatsworth.
12 W Fables of the new La FuN-taine published to-day.
13 TH Turkish Musical Festival. Sole by the Sultan on the
golden horn.
14 F Grand race.-Subscriptions on foot.
15 S Sea-bathing in Piccadilly, weather permitting.

Garden Esercise.-Go out in the garden in the cold weather and
pluck up your courage.
There is to be a chrysanthemum (or, more politely, chrysanthe-
.ma'am) show in the Temple. There you will see a zebra in full
bloom, a flowering elephant (by the kind permission of the Zoological
Society), and a suggestive daffodil. Beds will be made on the slopes
for the visitors, each gentleman being requested by the authorities to
bring his own warming-pan and fire-irons.
We wish to put before tlb public a few subjects, on which we should
be glad to receive any information that can be given. We append
our own explanations, but should be pleased to hear whatever our cor-
respondents have to say upon the various topics.
1. Does BoYD's (A. K. H. B. ?) patent brush-mower answer P-We
never asked it anything. (Information requested.)
2. Are gardeners, obliged, by Act of Parliament, to consume their
own grass ?-We have done so for years, merely for pleasure. (Any
information on this subject thankfully received.)
3. Tulips can be broken in for the shooting season. But how?
(Do tell us).
4. Does excessive propagation breed contempt ? Well, that's it, you
see; we fancied from what the gardener said, that, perhaps,-but on
the whole-(come, say something, will you ?)
5. Is the flowering deodaria an emanation of putty ?-We never
have been able to find out. (Now then!)
6. Will encasing your fingers in a stall make you any happier.as a
gardener ?-We've tried it; and oh the joy!
7. Geranium sandwiches are indigestible as a rule. Has any one
any other opinion ?
8. Can any one send us the New Cut, of which we've heard so
much ? That's what's the matter.
We invite all horticulturists to discuss the above points in our
columns, and should any difference of opinion arise, our own garden
will be always open to them for a quiet box. To our mind, the best
way of settling all disputes is by letting the antagonists meet one
another in the pugilistic ring, and there they may argue in a circle.
The gentleman who left a rhododendron at our house a few days
ago, may have it back on paying all expenses.

Gagini.--Green-gage is a fruit, bat we don't think that lug-gage is.
Consult a solicitor.
Locuspocus.-You sent the seeds to the wrong place; Amsterdam is
not near 'Amstead death .
Clencussing.-Your question is not, strictly speaking, a horticultural
one, but we will answer it. Yes, you are right. The place where
priests dwell is called a presbytery, therefore the residence of dis-
senting ministers is rightly named a dysentery.
Chutnee.-For mixed-pickle seed, apply at the War Office from 10
till 4.
Treespass puts the following interesting case:-If A breaks into B's
hothouse, and B breaks out in a rash all over, which can recover?
-B, we hope, but it depends on circumstances.
Florist has some difficulty with his house-landlord. Entice him into
a coffee-mill, and turn the handle vigorously; he will soon be a
ground-landlord if you maintain the action.

S1. 2. wi^. i's 5to' u1$ ;s 1n lie )ant com" oill' are us a tin
Any time within six years ;'ufterw'.ls.
liclftel 'Ba1joto says lie intends to lie a painter of flowers. 'o coim-
mence, lio asks us what colour he shall use 1O lo thlie avs of' in ouk l
Why, of course yellow-oakcr. Now the'n, coric !
Bullruishs.--A wins. (What was your question ?)
As a general answer to numerous inquiries, we take upon ourselves to
say, positively, that no one ever yet obtained a prize at the Bota.
nical Gardens show by exhibiting a bootjack.

LIKE a strange fish in Southampton Water, the First Lord of the
Treasury has appeared to the people of that respectable seaport. The
"young" PREMIER was a more than ordinarily queer fish upon the
occasion alluded to, delighting his audience with a brief but pithy
essay upon free trade in hats. Avddite!
"At one time in Portugal there was a prohibition against importing foroiign
hats. (Laughter.) There was a lhut interest, and the imanufacturersl of lhata in
PortUgal said they couldn't live if foreign hats wero imported. Well, Uio con-
sequence was that the Portuguese wore very bud hats loudd hlisuhtlr), and as ii
is an emblem of rank and pedigree in Portugal very often for a mIIu to bi
entitled to wear three hats, you may conceive how much the Portuguese, llnd
especially the nobility, value an accumulation of hats (ronowed laughter), mid,
of course, suffered from that restriction. (More laughlor.) Well, that restriction
I believe, has been taken away, and anybody who walks the streeots olf Lisihon
may see gentlemen wearing very snurt-looking and very good-loeking hats.
We have always considered it a sufficiently severe infliction to wear
one hat, and if our Portuguese friends can manage to sustain three,
we should very much like to know who their hatter may happen to
be. A hat in Portugal, PAs tells us, is an emblem of rank-tho rank
and file, of course, wear second-rate hats, and eccentric "files" wear
eccentric hats; and if there are any small specimens of blmanity like
our bluecoat boys, they, wearing no hats, belong to no rank at all, and,
in fact, are mere cad"-et corps. Swells," of course, wear "wide-
awakes," and so on ad infinitwm. The popular song in Portugal must
be All round my hat (or hats, according to circumstances).

THE lst of November was observed at South Kensington with
extraordinary excitement. It reminded the public of the blowing
up" the Parliament anticipated for accepting such a building, and
the roasting" FOWKES received for his shocking design." hDring
the day many effigies wore carried about; and the following old
rhyme was picked up in the neighbourhood:-
Remember! remember!
The 1st of November
Sent the Great Exhibition to "pot,"
For we want, by next season,
The site to plant trees on,
When the building's pulled down and forgot.
Try, FOWKES, try,
You'll do better by-and-by;
You've made a mull of bricks and glass,
But-there, let it die !
Hullo, boys! hullo, boys lot the place ring
With the hammer and the pickaxe, and down the building bring!

A PRETTY CAsE.-The stewards of the Jockey Club, having investi-
gated the charges instituted by somebody against COLONEL ,iBUNABY
in the Tarragona and Michel Grove match, decide that there is no
case proved against either party." What a pretty court, wlero it is
made rather a point of, that there is no case proved against the
To JACK-o'-LANTERNS.-If fenny folks have seen anything of this
individual, who from some marsh proceedings lately would seem to
have made himself scarce in this country, they will oblige by giving
information, as a newspaper editor is in immediate want of a light
article of this kind.-Address, Will o' the Whisper, Private Inquiry
TaH RIOTTT TING.--The noEmerald and Galatea have boon ordered
to proceed to Bermudas, in anticipation of any complication which
may arise from the excess of energy well known to exist in Flag
Officer WTLKES. We hope they will prove to thanl irscibleh officer
that where there's a WILK.E there's a way of etttlin with Iim.




S 1t


F -U'J -NOVEMBER 15, 186I.


I E [

DEAR ANNE,-What with not going out of town, and LORD MAYORS coming of age, and PRINca
OF WALES'S shows, and a lot of other events happening subterraneously, I am in such a state of
profusion that I hardly know where to begin, or with which end. The rejoicings have been of rather
a meeker inscription, and the show was not at all what I expectorated. Why, goodness me, I thought
there'd be Even gods and goddesses, Joe, Jullien, Dinah, and all the rest of them, not to mention
little winked Cnbitt's flying all about LORD MATOR ROSE'S carriage, while satires and fawns, with other
ghastly gobbling, should dance something of the ancient style, say a minute, or a garotte, or else a
real old marks. At least, so MR. PENNEFATHER says; but then he is such a studier of antics, and
knows the old Even Apology by heart. There was nothing of this sort, which, after we'd come to
the derision to stop in town on purpose to see the show, was very annoying. There was plenty to be
seen, however, of which MR. P. having made a sledge (he draws them so well) I shall not trouble you
with the subscription. It being a holiday, and crowds of people about, we don't mind walking in the
streets, which, on other days, when There are only the usual competent of people, it is unsafe to do,
as the tickle-of-leave ruffians invest even our thoroughfares, knock down young men, old ladies, and
others whose name is legend, on the pavement, then rival their pockets, and if the victor attempts to
call out, they either stunt him with a blucher, trifle his cries for resistance with a handkerchief stuffed
into his mouth, or half-kill him with a life-preserver. The police, every one allows, are a very deficient
body, bat somehow or another they always seem to be taking themselves off instead of the bugler,
thief, or whatever the villain may be. What I say is, double the police; what Ma. H. says is,
"We've got X, let's have double X," and I agree with him, or else we shan't be able to rest at
night, unless my husband sleeps with a rival by his side, or, at all events, a loaded carmine ready for
the midnight Roberts. However, they haven't hurt us yet, and that's one constellation, at all events.
These are strange times, indeed, and to add to the state of bodily fear in which we are now placed,
a BISHOP or COLOGNE (I think, at least, I heard him called, a colognial bishop, so he's not an English-
man) has written a treaty about which there is a great deal of fuss being made; but why he shouldn't
write it on a penny book as well as on a blotting book, I don't know, except perhaps he might make
a mess of the one, while he wouldn't of the other. We went to hear MR. WALLACE's new uproar the
other night, and were delighted. The story is taken from some old nursery rhyme I think, as I heard
M1. HARRIsoN perpetually addressing MR. PERBEN as "Simple Simon," who any child can remember,
"met a pieman, going to the fair," but which was the pieman on the stage I couldn't make out.
The Interrational Expedition was closed the other day, as the journies have already deformed you, and
the owners are selling off their Marble Statutes, Stinted Venice, and all the other articles of virtue,
as quickly as possible. When everything has been cleared off, what a sight the large expense of
empty ground will be! Like the Great Dessert of Sarah On the whole, Mr. H. thinks that
comically-that is, I mean, in a peculiarly sense-it has been a failure. It seems to have come in
like a lion and gone out like a lamb. The papers tell us that GARrin BALDY is rabidly recovering from
the bullet in his uncle; and is, in fact, in a wholesome state of effervescence. I have been trying to
find out all the latest Parish fashions for the month, in order to send them to you ; but I've not yet seen
the Folly, which is the paper with the steel degradings of young ladies in various customs. We've
been rather busy in unpacking and packing up again, as Mi. H. is determined to leave London now
that the fogs are beginning, and the streets are becoming so insincere, to which state of things I have
before eluded. Linseed-wolsey skirts are now all the fashion, and also the Cambridge hat, as worn
by her Royal Highness, with a round crown. Muffs are also coming in, but as MR. H. has just
entered the room, I must leave off this pistol, and believe me, your affectionate sister,



NOVEIBEE 15, 1862.]



"RAPE of the look! '" I hear the reader say,
"What is the creature thinking of to-day ?
I wonder what on earth this scribbler means,
Who weekly some new text for rhyming gleams
From M.P.'s poisoners, lords, and crinolines !"
To show in fitting parallel, I hope,
The work of chaplains, and the works of PoPE,
He showered his polished satires on the mind,
They loose rough satyrs upon human kind;
He order did as heaven's first law" receive,
Their order is the ticket, hight of leave;
He weighed e'en virtue with a balance nice,
They plump their folly in the scale of vice.
SIn these deep: solitudes and awful cells,
Where heavenly-pensive contemplation dwel,'t
Where SyKszss reformation is a fact,
Becausehe apka the chaplain for a tract;
Where FA A&'s eeunted to repent his crimes,,
Because he never nods at sermon times;
Where Artfnl Dodgers, reckoned full of graae,
Heave the deep sigh and pull the dismal faoe;
There, as BELINDA was sylph-tended erst,
By chaplains is the dangerous felon nursed!
With fond self'flattery, proud of skilful care,
About him still they hover everywhere,
This gives the greasy crl a saintlier twist,
That eases the steelgyves upon the wrist,
One wipes the dust from off the mocking knees,
Another makes the couch a bed of ease;
One's laden with good books to wile away
The watoh of night, the tedium of the day,
Another, leaving him to fill the head,
Makes it his care to see the rogue well fed:
Then when the rogue adopts the penitent feint,
Each loves the force of the reform to paint,
And of a sinner thinks he's made a saint,
Proud of his skill in the persuasive arts,
And his converting powers on ruffian hearts P
Who fatten up in strength, and skill, and health,
The rogues who take our lives as well as wealth ?
Who make the peaceful citizen take arms,
Because day's dangerous, night replete with arms ?
Who loose the ruffians with the mask and knife,
To cut a shutter or to take a life ?

F TJ IT. 87

Who freed the arm that dealt the jagged gash,
Or clove the skull with that tremendous crash
Who upon Fordingbridge a monster thrust,
Trained-up to murder, violence, and lust P
Who from that brutal hand the fetters smote,
Which grasped the hapless MARY CORBEaT's throat P
Who turns upon the world this whelming flood
Of rapine, robbery, and tbhrst for blood ?
The chaplains of the jail, fooled, luckless elves,
Half by the felons-half, too, by themselves I
Let's meet the point And from their powers dissever.
Tickets-of-leave for ever and for ever.

S(By our own. bond Ethusiast.)
WEa ean ao rP ly find words for our emotion I The luscious juioi-
ne~ of DONYBIWTITZN'S handling-his fugue-like and capricious in-
volutions, and his absolute mastery of the dominant in F, these fill us
with thoughts that lie beyond the reach of speech." Never has the
divine VON BuNK been so gloriously interpreted. The wonderful
progression of chromatic chords in the staccato passages-the stately
breadth ofthe cantabile, and the mysterious tenderness of the arpeggio
--all were magnificently rendered by the illustrious German violinist.
S His touch seems as crisp as ever, whilst in what may be termed the
S gymnastics of the fiddle, he is quito without a rival. If wo might hint
a fault, we would suggest that some of the antdnto movement was
taken a sou pon too fast: but de gustibus non est disp~utgWl&p chacun
a son gout toourws perdrix arma virumque cano Paddy lthack With
this exception DONNHEBLITZEN approached nearer to the d4palof human
perfection than any other man who ever handled the tqWopmpolling
bow. The novelty of the evening was the production of a now
descriptive symphony, by JAGNER, entitled, "The Musical Affinities
of Majolica," Detailed criticism of this magnificent work -
the labour of many years-would, as yet, be premature. We can
only indicate some of its charms; for instance, the masterly device
by which a sudden burst on the part of the bassoons is made to
suggest a gale of wind off the Balearic Islands. MINTON'S fountain
is represented by a very sweet and tender theme in C minor, which
commences with some fiorituri from the cornet, and ends with an
abrupt, and singularly suggestive, thump upon the triangle. The
attempt to describe a fog in the neighbourhood of Brompton is com-
paratively a failure; chiefly, as we think, through an injudicious
employment of the clarionet. It is moro hypercriticism, however, to
dwell upon the occasional shortcomings of this magnificent produc-
tion. As atone-poem, a sound-idyll, it ranks with the loftiest inspira-
tions of the melodic muse. That it will long be caviare to the gone.
ral," we can readily believe. It is far above popularity and it claims,
from an English public, not vain eulogy, but loving and pious study.
We shall resume our criticism to-morrow; eras ingens stcrabumu
eqUor !

THE following account will, it is hoped, bear comparison with the
interesting (P) statistics lately published in the Times :-
The empty ale and stout bottles would, if laid endways, have
reached from the Cromwell-road entrance of the Exhibition to the
second lamp-post on the right hand-side of the Bethnal Green-read.
The old corks, if collected, would have filled the interior of the Welling-
tonia gigantea at Sydenham. The amount of liquor wasted in the
operation of uncorking is estimated at 500 gallons, and the proportion
of corks that broke in half as 1 in 75. The plum buns were in
greatest demand among school-children, the average number of cur-
rants to each bun being four and a half. The pepper used, it is calculated,
would have set 60,000 persons sneezing; while the mustard would
have seasoned sandwiches enough for metropolitan consumption for
the next five years. The salt spilt at table has made 1,400 individuals
unlucky, while no less than 1,700 people, in the second-class refresh-
ment room, conveyed their peas to their mouth with a knife. Four
thousand persons (three-fifths, or 2,400, being from the country)
addressed the waiters as Sir;" whilst 358 individuals wont to sleep
in their chairs, and had to be carried ingloriously to the entrance by
policemen, in a porcine state truly lamentable.

A QUESTION TOR IR. MonrPln.-What kind of men are most above-
board ?-Why, chess men, of course!


.I. .. [I.OVEM.1ER 15, 1862.
__ -- -L



Fun.-Skins of animals have been used in Europe as an article of
clothing for many centuries; and at this day in South America, when
a man wants a cent o' Tuesday, he frequently gets it made out of a
Coati-Afondi. Fur is one of the most perfect non-conductors of heat
we have. In cold climates people are seen to go about with bear-
skins, and they do not feel any great inconvenience. Ermine fur, a
pure white, except the tip of the tail, which is black, and sable fur,
which is valued in proportion to thd darkness of its colour, are brought
many a furlong to trim the dresses of the careful wealthy, who like to
see how their figures look in black and white. Since European
countries have become more cleared and inhabited, fur-bearing animals
have nearly disappeared, and the supply is now chiefly obtained from
other regions, which are recognized, in consequence, as "furrin parts."
There are many kinds of fur which ladies put on, but what they like
best is a good offer, and he who makes it will always find himself
preferred. A kettle will often accumulate fur inside, and it is worth
remarking at tea-time, that the more fur it has for a lining, the longer
it takes to get itself warm.
FURNITURE.-The chains with which we bind ourselves to a certain
spot, and which we are painfully reminded of whenever we think of
moving. Although we may dislike the situations, we are always more
troubled about the effects. A house we may regard as an asylum for
life, chiefly supported by chair-and-table contributions. A furniture
broker who found us fastidious in the choice of our tables would be
perfectly justified in wondering why we gave ourselves such airs.
GAMBLING.-A vice that holds its victim until he is screwed awfully.
Playing for high stakes should always be avoided, as the higher
the stakes are the mero likely they aro to be beyond your reach.
To keep your eyes on luck's chances is supposed to secure a chance of

luxuries for the future. Games of hazard always make the gamester
indifferent to certain ties of society. The impoverished condition of
all habitual gamblers is with each so significant of has-had, that if the
fact alone did not deter youth from the pursuit of this sad vice, we
should consider this advice on our part altogether useless.
GAME.-There are certain animals which our legislative enactments
make game of. These are hares, pheasants, partridges, grouse, heath
and moor game, black game, and bustards, who are thus permitted to
have the peculiar consolation of knowing that whoever kills them has
paid handsomely for the privilege. They are aware that before a
shot can be taken in, a licence ought to have been taken out, and
with this satisfaction they die game accordingly. Eggs of game are
also protected, so it is illegal to poach them. It is of no avail to say
you were only in fun if you meet with a pheasant in her nest. A
farmer who rents hilly land will be considered to act with hilly-gality
if he allows any one to shoot without a certificate, as he will certainly
find part ridges there. The evils of the game laws have been so
much discussed, that the less said of game here the better, though
we do not want less head of game in another place. The landlords,
at present, seem inclined to keep the game in their own hands.
GAs.-As will be readily understood, gas is only introduced here in
order to make light of it. It has certain objectionable peculiarities,
but it must be regarded as exceedingly useful to us in the main.
Being so good a servant in every household, we should always be
careful how we turn it off. We now cook by gas, and, according to
some eaters, there is a decided economy in the process. Gas-pipes
being laid down, cause a frequent tearing up of the road. Every night of

the year, from Bow to Brentford, we may observe the thoroughfare
is lit up all the way. A man has no reason to complain of neglect if
he pays for his gas and does not get it, as he must still consider that
he's slighted by the company. Nearly every city in the world is now
illumined bygas, which, of course, says much forthe wisdom of the popu-
lation, as there can then no longer be any doubt about it's a gas city.

A Lay sung, on the Feast of Gog and Ilayog, in the Ear
of our City, November 9, 1862.
Ho! trumpets sound the war-note!
Ho! p'licemen clear the way!
The Man in Brass is going to pass
Along the streets to-day.
To-day first-floors and windows
Are let at price not small,
From gateway of the Temple,
To tavern by Guildhall.
Each Knight is clad in armour
For beer and half-a-crown,
The gallant creams from ASTLET'S Cirque
Will bear them through the town.
While flows the muddy river,
While stands the city's Cornhill,
The proud ninth of November
Shall have such honour still.
Gay are the under-sheriffs,
The sheriffs, too, are gay,
But each one knows that MISTER ROSE
Is gayer far than they.
Unto great Gog and Magog
We keep this civic feast,
Tall, tall, these great twin brethren
Stand monarchs of the East,
There in the hall of justice,
Where lawyers read their pleas,
Keep guard the great twin brethren,
As like as two dry peas.
Lo! now the oaths are taken,
And he, for his reward,
Who yesterday was Mister,"
Is styled by all My Lord."
And when the day is over,
While nestling for a doze,
Says he, "Bless Gog and Magog,
I am my LoaD MAYOR RosE."

"THE HEALTH OF GARIBALDI."-By all means, "the
health of GAmBALDI !"



NTOVEMBEE 15, 1862.]

(From owr Colwtell Iatckney Correspondent, per Madnetic Telegraph.)
EAR FUN,-The last rowing match
came off, and was put on again
with much difficulty, the other day,
with a screw-driver. The Han-
S. wellian crew consisted of ROBINsoN
-" -i CatUSOE (stroke and steeror), with
only two others, in all eight, who
-wil be continued in our next. The
S. .. i Colney Hatchers chose the south
side of the Serpentine, and went
off with a spurt, which belonged
to somebody else, and was subse-
quently claimed; this, however,
did not interfere with their plucky
antagonists, who had quietly of-
S 3 e/ infected an excellent start over-night
at the confectioner's. The last-
named crew were "coached" by a
waterman from an adjoining cab-
'stand, who was subsequently
drowned'bythe man at the wheel, because he couldn't speak to him.
The race was principally in the north of England, but, owing to un-
foreseen circumstances, nothing was wanting to complete the pleasure
of all parties. Before the gun was fired (which was done by lighting
the stock and lettingi:the flame gradually barn up towards the powder-
pan) the uasta caution was given, that whatever they might say
would be .used against them at their trial. When every one had
finished braising their oats, the fowling-piece, which had been'loaded
with abuse,-was discharged from the post office, for embezzling, and
the boats were told that they might leave the dock without a stain
upon their character, This injunction was luckily applied for and
taken in good part, amid the .teas of'the more respectable portion
of the inhabitants. Away'they'tent with a Hi! ho! chivey! to-day
a stag muse die. Colney gained rapidly on the Hanwellians, who kept
slily below the stream, occasionally looking up to see how things were
going on. At Three Bridges, Reigate, the umpire shook hands with
the ordinary, and then struck an attorney off the rolls, who happened to
be standing near. It was now past midnight, and still the crews toiled
on their lonely way, howling dismally. For three days these hearts of
oak bent politely to their oars, and refused all nourishment except their
meals, to take which they descended into the outrigger's cabin and eat
some tongue and hammocks. Cheerily! cheerily! over the hills and
far away! was the cry, but their tears were soon dried by hanging 'emr
up in the open air. And then they plunged into a vast expanse of
heaven, shooting the rapids with a Jo Manton and a Jo Miller. Every
man pulled anonymously, but at the beginning of the second act they
were discovered rowing.
In spite of snow, hail, rain, and other attrtitons, there were many of
the fairer sex, who were'immediately insulted and treated with scorn
and bitter beer, until Anrora summoned them all up for not giving
their numbers. So ended the race, at least it would have done so had
not the crews insisted upon rowing a return match. Upon this a
struggle ensued, the result of which was not known when our parcel
left. Colney claimed the victory in consequence of having come in first,
and the Hanwellians declared themselves the winners because they
had arrived before them. The umpire settled that both parties should
be drowned. But he was immediately enticed into a warming-pan,
and gcolloped to slow music, After this, there was fullchoral service
with'toasted cheese. DR. LUVsMIIGToNi, however, restrained hitetmper,
ando arrived himselfunanimously to town on his own back, Charmed
with this exhibition of Christian feeling, they gaily joined in the chorus.
"Vive l'Amour, Cigars, and Colney Hatch,"and a finely-executed sonata
from AINSWORTH'S Latin Dictionary, terminated the proceedings of
this truly aquatin and rationally spent day.-Yours, iron-gratingfully,

LoOK AT JASKoxN's SZAT/'-This remark was made, a few days
ago, at Newmarket, with reference to MR. JACKSON, a "gentleman
rider," who, while steering" his horse Neptunus in a match against
Levity, was seen to roll about in his saddle in evident discomfort,
and very much like a lubber in a heavy'sea-which last figure is
strengthened by the words "steering" and "Neptunus." As, by
the way, he had simply-in more than one sense-matched himself
against Polim Ax, the owner and rider of Levity, and about the best
jockey of the day, we think attention might have been drawn to his
conceit, as well!

No. XIII.-RIGHT lo. 11 \. ,uI:s Wintirre t, Q.('.
THERE is a wide difference between the I\\VTii.si.n) and the 1::i;i.
side of politics. The Irish ex-Solicitor-General is a lean nan, but a
stout Tory; a bald politician, but a florid speaker ; violent, Orange-
man, but no adherent of Pi'.. In the latter capacity, us an Orange-
man, he had been the spokesman of a party which has been one of th
curses of Ireland. And there is literally no ex-Q.C. can allege for this
intolerance and rabid party-spirit.
Asa member of those rish bar lie has obtained great celebrity. Ioe was
counsel for Miss LoxNworirn in the notorious YELVEITON caSO, and aiil
some smart things which mado the gallant and noble Natijor smart too.
For this, the report of his reception by his client after the verdict
declared that he obtained a buiss, although not a conveyancing hir-
rister. Enniskillen was the list placo to discover any skill in hlin
that would warrant his return to I'ar lm inte. I reIroesent d it from
April, 1851, until February, 185, when lie beeame o 1l'. fitr the Uni-
versity of Dublin, of which lie was M.A. already. The connexion
between MR. WIrrTESIDE and the University will le seen to hvo been
perfectly Irish; he was M.A. to his own A lman Mater.
He is a very active speaker ; -even when ParliamRnit is hot sitting
he is announced in the Dublin papers as "going to Bray." Tlio et,
ommoent On the style of his oratory WasRB 1itle byLouin PAil Fui.'.oN,
who onee told him that "all who saw his speech would consider it
highly creditable to his physical power's lie lays tbefre himself
the Demosthenic direction, Action, nation, action," anul follows it
with as much accuracy as if he were a nemo phoro tolepsraph. li
leaps, he writhes, he swings his arms, and now and thehblumpt his
forehead, as if-in despair of other methods-ho was:About to prove,
by ocular demonstration, thnit he has not lost his brains, no matter
how often he has lost his head.
He is, according to DOD, the author of works on Italy and Ancient
Rome. We have hitherto escaped the infliction of meeting with theti.
If their style is anything like his speeches, they would be nothing
without the gestures that should illustrate them. To read would be
like reading the words of the "Perfect Curo."
Of course, as an Irishman, he is unboundedly useful as a party-
man. He was born. to wield a club in a fiction fight, and in
return the Carlton uses him in a party scrimmage.
MR. WHITESIDE probably selected Tory politics as practice for
special pleading and the defouce of had causes. The intention is
more laudable than the result. leo has, however, had omic good
pickings of place, which, considering tlhe nmnilier of montlhR and the
paucity of opportunities of which his party has to complain, is very
fairly lucky for him.
His first laurels were won by a defence of O'CONNELI, at the Irish
State trials. Although lie did not call fur pistols like some of tho
counsel in those days, lie certainly went into notion" like a lman of
war or a windmill. If lie did not worry the jury with a smooth bore,
he treated them to a rough worrying.
Whenever the Tories come into power again, we may expect to see
WIIITESIDE in an important place. Dizzr, who has been throwing
out baits to BRIaGIT recently, will perhaps show, in WYlll'r.:sll 's
person, that the ministry does not object to the party of action," or
he may wish to show that it desires to cnrry on tli (ioverninimen
" WIITESIDE uppermost," as a popular nobleman would say. We
therefore express our cordial hope that Ma. WHITESIDE will not
obtain office again just yet.

(Reil'i cr v. .Rnindeer.
THE Jockey Cl:1b must sure have felt
It awkward when they met,
To fix how I 'indeer" should be spelt,
According to the bet.
The weather makes the change, wo asy-"-
Attention, if you please:
When fine, of course, we make our a
When wet, we take our ees.

VERY LIKELY.-A young woman called PRIDE, a follower of some
one called RlICHA WEAvet, andl an aspirant for baptism at the
hands of SPURGEOs, has been dipping into her mistress's money.
This is a fair instance of spiritual pride and what it leads to.
RHYME AND REAsoN.-Prussia, crusher.




[NOVEMBER 15, 1862.


Air-" The olo folks at home."
WE'RE downy chapsh, we shonsh of MOSHESH,
'Shelp me! 'tish sho.
Fine profits can we turn by closhesh,
Shouting out, Clo! ole le !
All up and down of Sheven Dialsh,
Right round Shoho,
All through St. Giles's, too, I wandersh,
Shouting, Olo o clo! ole do!
Though the weather's dark and dreary,
Everywhere I go;
Oh! MOSiHESIr, how my voish growsh weary,
Singing out, Ole do do do !
So bring me out your worn-out breesh,
Shabby palet6t,
I'll spend for 'em tremendonsh richesh,
Shouting out, Clo olo do !
,Lor' blesh yer-I've no wish to punish
Your pockets sho!

NOT so DOSTY.-It is stated that the capital of Herat has been
invested by DosT MAHOMET. The right of that gentleman to tamper
with another man's capital is a question of some interest; since, even
if the transfer were sanctioned by the rightful owner, his first obser-
vation would naturally be-" Dovyn with the DOST."
be looked upon as being not only Natal, but fatal ones, at the same
his mind," it may possibly be because he has "no mind to speak."

IF ALL PERSONS who leave their homes early on the riorning of the
13th day of November, will call at 80, Fleet Street E.C., they will b ,r of SOMETHING
VERT MUCH TO THEIR ADVANTAGE. In the mean time (the -can time being the
moment when there is no generous impulse to lay out the ridicule .sly small sum of One
Penny) we would ask-
pARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Many to w.Jim, at the present
time of year, this question is put, will nobly reply, No; we .n only speak about the 13th
day of November, when will be published
Which, containing nall the Fun-damental Truths of W.dnce, and nothing to which the most
Funatical or Funciful could object, appeals
TO ALL WHO WISH FOP 111'ERARY FAME, inviting them to
WRITE FOR "FUN -_."...xCK," enclosing a couple of stnmnos and a conof THIS

I only vantsh to get your monish, BEAUTIFUL AND I'E ELY ILLUSTRATEDWVORKshall beforarded byretun -ofpost.
Shouting, Ole lo co ole clo! Also, we take the opp-orunity of reminding
Though tho road is wet and greasy THOSE WHO ARE BLESSED WITH AFFLUENCE, that it being,
Ihgo' h... the roadis.etn saved makes a pound foolish," they cannot
Everywhere I go; -1 f, ...., for the sake of themselves, their heirs and
Oh! MosInEsi,, but the profit'sh easy, assgnsn F L C FO 1863
Singing out, Ole do! do do! FUN ALMIANACK FOR 1863,
Filled with stores of Astrillogical, leteorillogical Notices, Household Receipts for the Million,
High Art Pictures for the MILLAis-nun, Comic Sections, Lectures on the Garden and London-
Pride," by a HauChty-Culturist: on Natural History, by a Hanwellian; on Gee-logy, by
G. 0. Bonms: on Uncles in the Polar Regions, by a Poppolar Writer, etc., etc., which an be
had in exchange for, and on payment of,
THE COMiINIG STRv'GGLE.-The Fight for the Championship. ONE PENNY.

Printrted atl Prblisihedl (for :ce Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 15 1862.


------- ------------- ---

NOVEMBER 22, 1862.


HE New Zealander no, sir, this
is not the gentleman expected to
sketch the ruins of St. Paul's from
the broken arch of London-bridge
-who maintained that he had a
good title to the land because he
had eaten the owner, is but an
.r- antipodean type of the British
S dramatist who devours the plot of
a French playwright and then
claims it as his own. For once,
mitted his obligation to the Paris-
ian stage, and as this is the great-
S est novelty to be recorded, let his
last production at the Princess's
have precedence. Its English ap-
pellation is One Good TurnDeserves
Another, but an intricate plot is
unravelled with so much tact, that
the secret of its foreign origin
would have been certainly betrayed
by internal evidence. Miss AMY
SEDGWICK, as Mrs. Phoebe Topper,
a blacksmith's wife, has not for a
long time had a part so exactly
suited to her style, and where the
rough country dame affects the
d tl manners of the fine lady, we have
to recognize a genial bit of co-
medy, which is peculiarly entitled to be called refreshing. MRS. H.
MARSTON makes a small character stand forth conspicuously in the
cast, and MR. GEORGE VINING, as the blacksmith, comes out with re-
markable force. Indeed, the two acts of this comic drama afford so
much gratification through excellent acting, that the obligations of the
adapter are perhaps, after all, greater to the Princess's company than
to the Parisian dramatist.
At the Olympic, an effective drama by MR. WATTS PHILLIPS, called
Camill's Husband, has been successfully brought out, and as it
enables the public to see MR. RoBsoN as an itinerant tinker, which is
an agreeable contrast to the wandering minstrel, they ought heartily
to welcome the change. The hero of the piece is, however, MR. H.
NEVILLE, who plays a reclaimed, dissolute artist in a way that will
greatly advance his professional reputation. Miss KATE SAVILLE has
also strengthened her position by the excellence of her impersonation
of the Lady Camilla. The piece has thus a peculiar merit. It has
made playgoers aware that they are richer by two admirable per-
formers than they could have supposed when they last took stock of
the Olympic company.
More years ago than it would be gallantry now to remember, a
clever little girl at Drury Lane made, every Christmas, boxes full of
little boys madly in love with her. She was always coming out of
expanding stars, clad in gold and silver, and she spoke so prettily,
and danced so gracefully, that there is reason to believe many a plum-
cake and paper of sweetmeats used to be secretly left for her at the
stage-door as a token of the warnrth of some youthful affection. Is
it a wild fancy to associate a recollection of this little fairy-queen
with the buxom form and jolly features of Miss MARSHALL, who, after
a long absence, has re-appeared on the boards of the Strand ? One
might imagine, in the warmth of the applause that greets her spirited
performance of a homely Barnstaple widow, there is something of the
old-time fervour about it. At all events, it is pleasant to think so,
and one would rather like to cherish the illusion.
MR. BOUCICAULT has gone over the water to ASTLEY'S, there to
commence his task of theatrical regeneration, and primarily to solve
the problem of squaring the circle. MR. FALCONER is at Drury Lane,
equally busy in the work of decorative renovation; so that, whilst
one repairs here, the other repairs there. Mn. PHELPS has taken a
formal leave of his old friends at Sadler's Wells, which, by his eighteen
years' adherence to Shakspearian dramatic literature, he made a
notable landmark in the theatrical horizon. It is a pity that the tree
was cut down just as the fruit was ripening. The healthy dramatic
taste of an entire generation had been formed, and it would be difficult
to over-estimate the value of the mental culture which was the result
of such singular perseverance. As a popular educator, such a lessee
of Sadler's Wells should have been assisted by a Government subsidy.
The standard of excellence is like the standard in Cornhill: we all
have heard of it, yet few would know precisely where to look for it.
MR. WALLACE'S new opera of Love's Triumph (had the title not been

anticipated, it should have been called "Love's Sacrifice") does not
reach the elevation which some critics have assigned it, but is fuh of
melody, and has a libretto which goes far to smooth a composer's
difficulties in dealing with our harsh language. With that regard for
duality of personation, of which Mn. CItAI.ES KEAN set the example
in the Corsican Brothers, and which our entertainers have improved
upon until they have thrived and multiplied exceedingly, Miss LOUISA
PYNE plays two characters, and it would be hazardous to say in which
she appears to the most advantage. As the negro said of his favourite
beverage, rum, too much of anything is bad; but too much of Miss
PYNE is just enough. With Miss PYNE for the heroine, who, like "the
swan upon St. Mary's Lake, floats double swan and shadow;" with
M~. VINCENT WALLACE for the composer, and MR. PLANCHE for the
librettist, the last novelty of the Royal English Opera ought to be a
decided success; and, supported as it is, besides, by efficient execu-
tants both in the vocal and instrumental departments, it is pleasant
here to record that the opera is, in every respect, exactly what it
ought to be. Tun ODD MAN.

IN the Weekly Times lately appeared the following exalted speci-
men of English poetry, which not oven the poet CLOSE could exel:-

Ii i II i I I.. I
,, i ; i I ',l ,, I I

,I II I II, I. 1... I -

le in his losom placed his ihand
And drew the llible forth i-L. M. TuonnTON.
As we think it highly improbable that any one else will take notice
of the effusion, we give insertion to a reply sent us by a correspondent.
Yes, jard, I think I'll go and see
EThi Exl bition grand,
And if you like to go with me,
We'll'bus it from the Strand.
But mind, my bard, nd drop your eent,
Such Btuff won't do for mile;
Comparisons are odious,
And so's profanity.
So dare no more the Book of books
To liken to a sho ;
I1 i i ,. ii h]. .i l i..-1 i ,

APPROPRIATELY might we put the question to the army of the
Federal, How are your poor feet ? although a reply of the most
decisive character is before us. The Times correspondent, tempted
to be facetious upon a topic which has for some months delighted the
gains of the metropolis, gives us the following piece of amusing and
instructive information :-
"But the Federal Government, with plenty of paper dollars to buy shoes, has
a watchful eye over its soldiers. It is not so cruel as to deprive them of shoes
altogether; it will not interfere with the contract articles duly provided at a
high but accepted price; and it cannot force shoemakers to construct shoes
upon the principles of common sense, and regard to the delicate anatomy of
the foot; but it can provide the army witl an authorized and qualified corps
of pedicures and chiropodists. This has lately been done by express command
of the PRESIDENT. TO each division of the army is to be attached a corn-
doctor and assistants, who will do their part to keep the feet of the men in order
either to overrun the south, or to run away from it, as strategy may compel."
This is in contradistinction to the Confederates, who fight bare-
footed. Every peculiarity of our English Derby day will shortly belong
to the great civil combat. ABE LINCOLN and JEFF. DAVIs running
hard, both backed to an awfill amount, Nemesis, in the shape of an
unknown horse, following fast in the rear; and lo! and behold! Jonx
BULL rises on the grand stand, and places his hand to his mouth and
politely inquires," How are your poor feet ?" Echo answers," How P"

(From the Eatanswill Gazette of the lst inst.)
OH FOWKE, had you known
What a general groan
You'd receive, when your plan was an inkling:
You'd have done then, I vow,
What you're going to do now,
You'd have shut up your shop in a twinkling.

VI. i;l. 1



SF -T NOVEMBER 22, 1862.



EAR MR. EDITOR,-You Wrio kiO.'-
what an excellent Christian that
delightfulmantheHoNOURABLE and
undoubtedly is, will not be sur-
prised to hear that, having been
successful in providing his charm-
ing Noorman chapel with a most
impressive bell, he is undertaking
another actof disinterested charity.
Only yesterday, MR. EDITOR, he
preached a sermon in aid of the
-ational schools, in which he
proved, beyond dispute, how dis-
-graceful it was that the poor chil-
dren should he compelled to attend
his church in the homely and un-
sightly garments their parents
could afford to provide for them.
He expressed his conviction that
and mended clothes, must be an
g k eyesore to every right-thinking
Member of a refined congregation,
and he proposed to collect sub-
scriptions to defray the cost of
dressing them in a costume at once
becoming, picturesque, and characteristic. It was to consist of a long
yellow gaberdino for the boys, with long pointed shoes and green
hose, and an ancient Norman cap. The girls were to be dressed in a
long yellow gown, all of a piece, pointed shoes, and head-dress of the
period. Nothing cold be more charmingly picturesque, or accord
better with the character of the edifice; and it could be done (the
tin. and rov. gentleman assured us) for a mere two or three hundred
pounds; and, of course, as the charity clothes provided would only be
worn on tlhe Sabbath, they would not require to be renewed for a very
lin wh ilc, but could descend from boy to boy, and from girl to girl, as
each outigrehow them. besides, ad the reverend gentleman, "when-
ever your eyes chance to fall upon that gallery in which the miserable
objects of your forthcoming liberality are sitting, you will feel a thrill
ot' gratification on reflecting that it is through youra generous instru-
mentality, owing to your munificent liberality, that they wear a neat
anud appropriate costume,-such a costume as the decent observance of
the Sabbath, and the cultivated tastes of the educated and refined
congregation I am addressing demand."
EDWIN is gradually lapsing into such pitiable iibecility that it is not
worth while to quote his opinion, except perhaps to prove that I am
justified in my opinion of his mental condition. He talked prepos-
terously about badges of servitude, religious inasquerading, and the
charity that rejoiced in display, and published its existence more
loudly in church than anywhere else; and added many more obser-
vations which all tended to the same point, the disparagement.of his
wife's charity, with the paltry object, of course, of saving his five
guineas. But with this brief he didn't succeed, dear MR. EDITOR, for
I got the money from him, and paid it over, this morning, to the HON.
and RrV. EUsEBIUS BEiAAMOUR.-Your sincere friend,
Keonsingto, Palace Gardens, 17th Nov. ANGELINA BROWN.

AN animated discussion has lately been carried on at Cambridge
respecting the existence of four-handed, or, as they are termed,
"quadrimanous animals." DR. WHEWELL is reported to have proposed
the following conundrum fore ondeaon the consideration of the learned savas of
the university. When," asked the respected Master of Trinity,
"does a man resemble a quadrimanous animal ?" The professors
looked puzzled, and M. Du C.IIuiU, then on a visit to our ancient
seat of learning, suddenly pretended to be fast asleep. Every one
gave it up. The reverend author of Moro Worlds than One then
arose, and in his sonorous voice pronounced aloud the solution of the
enigma. A man," lie explained, with an ill-repressed triumph,
" resembles a quadriinainous animal when -" (here he paused to
look at tlhe anxious faces arondl him, even N. Du CHIAILU had one
eye open), "when he dI.bl's hiis.ists DR. WHEWELL made a profound
bow to the assembly, and gracefully retired.

No. 36.-BY CH--L-s R-DE.
THOMAS HAYFIELD was an author and a prosperous.one; for he had
worked hard in his youth and was still no sluggard but ready to seize
Occasion when it came and turn it to all advantage and whatever else
may happen to such a man Defeat never can !
So many volumes, so many villains.
Every man has his enemy-some mean crawling lisping scoundrel
who barks at the heels of Success and shows his fangs'at Merit.
HAYFIELD'S enemy was BRITTLES, and as I consider BRITTLES to be
an essentially degraded and wretched hound I order my printer
to give him no capital letter henceforth but to put him in type ,as
small as his petty nature; voild brittles.
brittles was constantly on the watch-and when HAYFIELD had
published a fresh romance that stirred all hearts by its earnest passion,
this miserable little man had two tricks.
Trick the first; he would go about, in a slimy manner peculiar to
vipers and critics, telling all London thatthe book was too dear, and
urging the men who keep circulating libraries .ot to subscribe for it.
Trick the second; when the book, after all, ,MAtE A IT, this thing
would DRAMATIZE it !
Save the mark! Drama ? A bald disjointed, skeletonv.that does
but mock the rounded living form! Drama.? Then was BABRSSAW
Dr:ama ? To steal the plot, the dialogue, thebcharacters; to mould
them in the mould of one's own medioority-that is to dramatize!
Have I not suffered ? I scorn the mealy-mouthed modesty of the
day. I am a strong man a big writer and I know it. If any one
begins a book of mine he must needs go on with it. I have fire, I
have life-passion, animation, dash; verve, go, elan! Who disputes
it? MR. MuDns, beware!
Oat comes my strong vivid startling book. brittles or some one
of the kin of brittles borrows it from some friend to whom he is in
no hurry to return it; and then sitting down in his wretched garret
the creature traces MY plot upon his tawdry paper, and takes his
greasy manuscript to the keeper of some transpontine DEN.
Often have I suffered thus; and I now once and for ever do most
solemnly warn brittle that I will PUT A MARK on him-that I will
brand him with eternal infamy-that generations yet unborn shall
howl with execrations at his name. The English law may be
amended; but even at present I have power to punish this animalcule
and I will. He shall have no rest. As he puts his head upon his
pillow, I will shout from behind the curtain TRfBBLE brittle As
he rises in the morning he shall hear my voice, brittles BEWAE E!
Revenons It nos moutons my boys or they will stray so far that we
shall never get up with them any more.
HATFIELD was a prosperous author. But nemo mortalinm omnibus
horis sapit and vaulting ambition overleaping itself falls on the other
side according to the bard of Avon.
So HAYFIELD, going from one success to another, gradually got to
overestimate his powers. He was a good man but essentially a weak
one. He might have written a good history of Greece; but he never
had the strength to write in FUN.
This accordingly was what he perpetually strove to do-until worn
out and wearied at last by repeated failures, he came to me and
asked my advice. I gave it withthe candour of a friend.
"HAYFIELD" said I "you're a fool! Turn your attention to
He did so, and is now editor of the .
P.S.-You will be good enough to forward me your prize within
three days; to sign the enclosed agreement binding you to publish
four of my novels; and to transmit me a considerable sum of money
by return of post. On these conditions, I will consent to write for
you again.

Do the inhabitants of Worsted ever get the better of each other ?
Are there many pedestrians at Worcum
Are the people of Wingfield very flighty ?
When is the dry season at Wetting?
What is brought from Wellington besides boots ?
What is imported from the Caribbees besides honey ?
Are there any honest people at Vilaine ?
Do the inhabitants in the neighbourhood of Vesuvius suffer from
eruptions ?
Are the natives of Tours of a roaming disposition ?

Nomunma -22, 1862.]


PORTIVE FLu-,--We've returned
from Norway, having had excellent
shooting. The supply of funds, with
which you provided us, was, per-
a haps, hardly equal to the demand,
and a financial crisis caused-ns to
quit the northern shores rather
sooner than we had originally in-
tended. We left Hull.on the 31st
of June, which, with members of
our-i.e., the legal-profession is,
as ycu are aware, always a whole
holiday, or dies non.* We landed
S at Tr6nion, a small fishing village
about sixty miles inland. Here
woe found ourselves-without a six-
pence, without luggage, and shiver-
ing in the penetrating blasts of
the keen northern breezes-inffact,
cold without.
We couldn't speak a word of the
i.l language, but fortunately ourteeth
chattered, and from them the
people soon became acquainted
with our wants. The simple t in-
habitants immediately furnished
us with food, money, and warm
clothing, and, in consideration for
this hospitality, we gave them a
written acknowledgment, and,
being anxious to commence our sporting operations, very speedily
We drove in ou one-horse oariole (a corruption of the English carry-
all, so called because these vehicles are licensed to take a fixed number
and no more f) up to Stockholm, and, having ordered dinner, and
borrowed a couple of guns of the waiter, walked into the surrounding
country, and took some shots at a few snipe, teal, salmon, and other
smaller fry. We walked back, and then didn't we walk into dinner !
Rather! The mosquitos are very troublesome-no, by the way, that's
in India. Early in the morning, before any one was up, we were off
and away. How we chirruped and chirped as we ascended the Ciigen
Mountains Here the grizzly bear afforded us much amusement, and
we managed to bring over a splendid specimen of the most savage
species of the Ursa Major, which we shall send to you in a few days ;
you can easily put him up in Fleet-street, as he won't bite or hug any
one if you don't unmuzzle him or untie his forelegs. We shot two
rapids, but they won't keep at the fail of the year.
The natives are all very short, and, after living freely among them,
we became very like the natives. We had one circular note left;
when I say "circular," I allude to our having been all round the
town to get it changed, but without success. A collector of curiosities
luckily took a fancy to it, and purchased the note for a mere song.
We then started on a good walking tour through Christiania, Bergen,
Frederickshall, and Frederickshan't. The latter of these towns we
admired very much. Salmon are very plentiful, but wild, this year.
We saw them from our bed-room windows playing about on the grass
like sheep. They won't let you come within reach-about the distance
of Chelsea Reach-of them. Wolves were coming in when we left.
The religion of Norway is that of the Swedenborgians. The history
of their rise is curious. CfasaA BORGIA retired to the north after leaving
LuOEzrIA BORGIA all his money to buy poisons and opera stalls with,
and having settled in Sweden, gave himself out" to any visitor who
called upon him before twelve. To these arrogant pretensions he united
a winning manner at cards, and was the constant partner of the Stad-
holdther at Loo. His doctrines gained credence with the multitude,
and, in the course of time, all the inhabitants of Norway and Sweden
declared themselves Norway and Sweden Borgians. Mohammedanism
presents no parallel to this; and, by the way, as I have not got a stamp
for this letter, would you mind paying twopence for it ? We enjoyed
our trip, on the whole, very much, but having no more shot, were
obliged to come back. Good-bye!-I remain yours sportively,

On referring to our calendar, we regret to say that somehow or another
we've lost a day in this year.
t This epithet seems, from the subsequentnarrative, to have been well earned.
$ We wish our public conveyances were regulated on the same principle.
Since none can carry more than he can bear."-Boszastes Furioso.

Folr A Foc r NOvi:IInuII DIAr.
IN a fog, in a fog,
In a wretched stale of in;:!
What to do, what to think,
What to eat, what to drink;
For everything is stated,
To be so adulterated,
That if you wish to live,
You from cat ing must forbear,
And the best advice to give,
Is to live upon the air:
Only that is full of blacks,
And so very ftr from pure,
That salubrity it:lacks,
And so what to do I'm sure,
That through his brief existence man may comfortably jog,
Would the greatest of philosophers envelope in a fog.

In a fog, in a fog,
In a wretched state of fog!
Are the makers of our laws,
For effect to find a cause,
When they try to give attention,
To the subject of Prevention,
Which is better than a Core,
If they can hut find the way,
But; though every one is sure
lie can something on it sny,
Still, when Parliament we seek,
To help us, shall we not
Find the orators who speak
All collectively have got
Through the hazy, mazy blue-books, that the clearest head would clog,
Into what we may denominate a legislative fog ?
In a fog, in a fog,
In a frightful state of fog!
Is the man who wants to kno\.',
Whilst year after year we go
On boasting that the latest
Stage of progress is the greatest,
That therq never was a race,
That made commerce stand so high,
With integrity its baso ;
When he asks the reason why
So constantly we read,
Strange accounts of money made,
By a process which, indeed,
Seems the thimble-rig of trade ?
With the Bankrupt-list appearing, like an awfnfl catalogue,
Of those who from the right path far, have wandered in a fog.
In a fog, in a fog,
In a dreadful state of fog!
With those vagabonds about,
For our watches looking out,
From the prison liberated,
With their servitude abated,
Who our necks are nightly twisting,
As we home are walking fast,
Puzzled whether we're existing,
In this century or the last.
In a fog about the meaning
Of the talk of better dealing,
With our criminals, when leaning
To false mercy, they go stealing
More than ever, twice as clever, when for burglary agog
They shroud the prison chaplain in hypocrisy's dense fog.

Prospect Academy.
MR. EDITOR, SIR,-DR. STINGER says that Bisnor COLlNso is a
heretic. And, please, it's in the history that the works of heretics
are burnt by the common hangman. And, if you please, sir, would
you bo kind enough to tell LORa PALiMERSTrON to tell Loii WESTMIII
to tell SIR GuEORGE IEY to tell 1MR. WADDINGTON to tell MR. CALCRAVT
'that there's lots of COLENSO'S arithmetic at Frosper't Academy.--
Believe me, yours truly, ToiMMy DUIL.



I ~_ I


I. [XSOTEMBEEo : 22, 1862.
tj,-* r ,, _______ (I_ I_' ,'_ 'j l .. .........__ '" ,

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-c-N~p -a

Swill (patronizingly) :-" I SAY, iY 'MAN, WHICH IS THE WAY TO DUDLEY STREET ?"

OUR readers have doubtless watched, with a keen interest, the
recent controversy with regard to the merits and demerits of the Post
Office. The following communication has reached us from a certain
private source. We do not vouch for its authenticity, but we have our
own opinion on the matter.
MEMORANDUM.-Sorters, letter-carriers, and all others employed in
the Postal service, will observe and obey the following regulations for
the more certain delivery of letters ambiguously addressed:-
1. Every official will forthwith provide himself, at his own expense,
with a good magnifying-glass, which, at the end of his term of service,
shall become the property of this office.
2. Should a letter be addressed to "Uncle JOHN, opposite the
Church, England," or words to that effect, the letter-carrier shall
stand with it for the time of one hour per diem, in front of St. Paul's.
3. He shall inquire of every person whether his name be JOHN, and
whether he has any nephews.
4. The preceding regulation shall apply only to individuals of the
male sex.
5. On ascertaining the existence of any Uncle JOHN, the letter-
carrier shall enter his name and address in a book, to be provided, at
his own expense, for that purpose.
6. This book shall afterwards become the property of the office.
7. The letter carrier shall judge, from the character of the caligraphy,
whether Uncle JOHN is likely to wear spectacles, and to what portion
of the alphabet the first letter of his name belongs.
8. On ascertaining these facts, he shall return to the office and brush
his coat.
9. On the following day, he shall show the letter to three individuals,
bearing popular names, and to one individual, whose appellation is

10. As, for instance, to three SMITHS and a TOLLEYWADDEL.
11. He shall then take the letter, in regular rotation, to every church
in London, observing the alphabetical order.
12. As, for instance, All Hallows, Bow, Temple.
13. He shall then give way to despondency, and wail.
14. Two shillings shall then be deducted from his salary.
15. The letter shall then be destroyed.

A LIEUTENANT-COLONEL BOWDON, living near Blackburn, has
selected the time when that town is plunged into distress and penury
by the cotton famine, to quibble and drive harsh measures under the
game laws. A few rabbits and hares might have been overlooked
where a whole population is starving and out of work. The tyranny
of the game laws has done what the American war, and want of work,
money, and food, have failed to do-it has created a riot in Blackburn.
All credit to COLONEL BOWDON! We don't envy the feelings of a
man who seems to think bread is only wanted to make sauce for his

KICKING UP A DusT.-Kidderminster seems to be a carpet that
wants a gbod deal of beating. There was more fighting there at the
last municipal elections. We cannot account for this riotous tendency
except by a supposition that the town contains a number of pot
valiants, who wish to become pot-wallopers.
newspapers are excluded from the "press "-room.
quarrels kept in family jars ?

Y ] U TT 1N.-NOVEMBER 22, 1862.
I ------------------------------------------__________


Dedicated with all (if any) possible respect to the Lancashire Rabbit Preservers.

NOVEMBER 22, 1862.]



APOLLO, of yore, with the Muses agreed,
And they lived on one hill, and kept one steed,
A winged horse of a wonderful breed,
Well-known by the title of Pegasus.
But friendships for ever don't smoothly run,
The Muses have faults-there are spots in the sun-
E'en Apollo "a shine" cannot always shun,
Strife as often the Muses will plague as us.
For Painting, the copyright laws about,
With Photography lately has made a rout,
A discerning public now sees, no doubt,
What was meant by my late metonymicals ;
How Art by the Muses I represent,
While Photography is by Apollo meant,
Whose face with disfiguring blots is besprent
From his dabbling so much among chemicals.
For Art (or Gamb-art) is looking glum,
Vowing pictures, bought for a terrible sum,
Dirt-cheap and quite common to all become
By Photography's vile hocas-pocus ;
Who scorns "meum, tunm," a maxim of law,
Or can't make it out, through Latinity's flaw,
Which the sense from "pro aris et focis" can draw
Of "for clear atmosphere, and good focus !"
Now Art, though permitting Photography's share
In the air and the sun is no more than is fair,
Alleges her right to a son and an heir"
Of her own selection and naming,
To inherit her indefeasible rights
In productions, wherein all the world delights,
The fruits of laborious day and nights;
And 'tis nothing unfair she is claiming.
But Photography states, on the other hand,
That he sows Art broadcast throughout the land,
At a price, which the poorest of pockets can stand ;
An answer that's seemingly sensible.
But to feed the people you must not reap
Your neighbour's earn, or make free with his sheep;
Nor does stealing a picture and selling it cheap,
Make Photography's filching defensible.
For what would the lord of a mansion remark,
Who chose some thousands of pounds to embark
In making a beautiful lawn of his park,
Spending labour and capital on it.

If, when it was done, it should come to pnas
That the British public laid claim to the grass,
And made it so common" that every ass
Might got his living upon it.

THE Clerk of the Weather returns thanks to his numerous friends for
their kind inquiries, and is happy to inform them that lie has it
last, with some difficulty, got his weather eye open.
Father Secchi, of Rome, who has lately written a treatise on Mars, is,
we believe, a Seechilar priest. Of course, it is quite right for a
father to write on ma's.
T. bets U. that Castor and Pollux are the Gemini. T wins.
The day is light early in the morning, but it will become very heavy
if you've nothing to do. Lot the idle man sit in the hall and wind
up his barometer until it plays a popular tune, then throw his sun-
dile into the water to see if it swims like a crocodile.

16 5 Good day for pooh-poohing extortionate pooh-openers.
Scrambling for omelettes, by the members of the London
17 M City Mission.
18 Tu Review of Fire Guards at Coal-lump-ton, Devonshire.
19 W Dancing on the FuN-tastic too.
20 TH Feast at Dublin University. Chorus of Irish stow-donts;
and Opera of soa-gulls with or-kestrel accompaniment.
21 F Good day for providing for winter. Grand ceremony of
22 S laying yourself in-bed.

A novice wants to begin sugar-growing in his garden. That he is
a no-vice is in his favour, as all gardeners are expected to be virtuous.
However, this no-vice writes for ad-vice, which we will give him. If
you want to grow sugar, you must first plant a lump in a rich loamy
soil. Sprinkle with brown sugar, and then "loaf" about the spot for
hours together. If, after this, you don't grow sugar, at all events you
will grow tired, and so something will have boon done.
Training Hyacinths.-We should have thought that every one knew
this. Take your hyacinths for a six-mile run every morning. On
their return, wrap them in several blankets. Set them before the fire,
and, after a nice basin of gruel, they'll be ready for the garden, the
road, or anywhere.
Convolvulus.-This flower in winter requires great care. Sit with
it under an umbrella, whispering soft nothings into its ear, or
preserving it from the effect of frost by brandy and water judiciously
applied. Five glasses, of a bell shape, will be as much as this deli-
cate plant can stand.
Asparagus.-Never pursue the course above mentioned with this
vegetable, lest the spirit get into its head.
Dampness is the gardener's deadly foe. The horticulturist who
would crush this enemy had better take a damp chair, and then
"sit upon it."
The only way of removing damp from a greenhouse, is to get a
large luggage-van and a few carriers' carts, then, regardless of
expense, pack it up and remove it. The carriers are answerable for
any accident.
In these days of trespassers and thieves, surmount your wall with
the spikes of bulbs.
Of course you are now busily employed in earthing up celery; if
not, yen ought to be. When this is done, sow earthquakes for spring.
The riddle-flower is, as every infant horticulturist ought to know,
the con-volvulus.
In answer to several inquiries, we say that there are only two sorts
of lilies,-one being the water-lily, and the other the piccalilli; the
latter being of a warm nature, is specially adapted for winter growth.
Procure grains of sense, and sow them.
To Hedge in your Grounds.-Drive stakes into your garden in a
four-in-hand, 'whip them lightly, and take care how you turn the
corners. Finally, tie them up to prevent their running over your
Military Gardening.-Lot my Aldcrshottian friends plant a soldier
somewhere, and let him be shaded by a hedge of sen-tree box.



98 FR" NIT ISG [NOVEMBEe 22, 1862.



DEAR ANNE,-That you've not yet seen us in our own home, must
be entirely contributed to the wavering and vaccinating purpose of
Mn. H., who never knows his own mind from one day to another, so
that we are perpetually lading and unlading our trunks and boxes,
first thinking of staying, then determining on going. MR. PENNE-
FATHER calls him Sin JOHN PAK-INGTON, which is very funny, and
is a play upon the word pack, you see, a bad habit that MR. P.
gets into from seeing so many burlesques, in which one has to listen
to nothing but twistings and proportions of words. Well, Mn. H.
said that, before he left town, he wished to give several little presents
to different people; and, as he committed me to procure some of
them for him, I and Mary went to the Parthian Hussar in Oxford-
street, and there made varicose purchases. The Parthian is a very
curious place, and revives its amputation from the name of an old
Even temple, where all the statutes of the gods and goddesses deceived
the adulation of their without notaries. The doors are of glass, and
opened by beetles hurray'd in a sort of livy, blue and cold, I think.
The inferior is very warm, which is very pleasant in this weather,
and, at first sight, it appears as if you'd got into a perfect Bubble of
musical toys, children's drums and tin trumpets, not to mention squeak-
ing animals, dolls that only speak when pressed, children running
about, and purchasers walking all over the place. There is a sky-
light and a gallery, which inscription will put before you the Parthian
very clearly.
There are straight stalls, succulent stalls, and stalls of all shapes
and sizes, kept by very respectable young women, who, MR. H. said
(when he joined us) were pretty, but I couldn't see it myself, but
then I own that I may be plagiarised against them. We bought
some earrings and such like tinkers, with little mats, and sunny other
ornaments for the toiling table, such as china farces, scented cases for
one's cambric muncher, and the like. We then purchased some toys for
children, but found nothing very uncommon, for which, I am told, we
ought to go to another hussar, I forget its name, where everything
costs a penny. From this we went into the gallery, whence, when we

had made the grand tower, we walked into the picture department.
The works of art here are not very numerous; but I am not much of
a Kitty myself, and perhaps do not aspirate these paintings and shay-
dovers at their right value. After this, we dissented the stairs and
entered a part of the building where nothing but sponge-cakes and
such articles of refreshment are sold; this leads into the observatory
and every, which latter is full of birds, beasts, and fishes; while the
former has a few rare Quixotics and foreign plants, the applications of
which are too long and too difficult for me to remember. The
screeching of the M'Caws (Scotch rooks, I fancy) was unbearable,
but we managed to get accustomed to it after a time. Oh! such
pretty little love birds, fighting all day long, I'm told. Some Guava
sparrows contracted our retention, and several very handsome
carrots tied by one leg to a perch. The cockatrices are enormous
birds, and aperiently rather savage, though the keeper said they were
as tame and as gentle as young lamps. There were also packets or
little carrots, just as handsome as the big ones, only prettier. Some
of them could talk, but none that I heard got beyond saying "pretty
Poll," or something of that sort. Little marmalades, too, we saw,
with faces and paws like monkeys, in a cage. We saw plenty of
canaries, bullfinches, and mumming birds. In the centre is a found-
ling, with a large basin in which are gold and silver fish swimming.
There are also bowls of the same all round. I admired the little birds
called haveacravats immensely; also the plums on the carnival's head,
bright red and orange. These are all tennysons of Africa, and other
far distant shawls. I bought for you, my dear ANNE, a beautiful little
monkey, which was so tame; but unfortunately on reaching home, it
had a fight with our landlady's large tom-cat (a splendid Prussian, all
white with red eyes, and such a tail!) and died a few hours afterwards
in agnes. But don't be disappointed, as I'll soon get you something
better, a small dog, one of the Scotch terrors that you like so much,
and bring him up with me when I return; till then, adieu! I remain,
your affectionate sister,

NOVEMBER 22, 1862.]


JOHN ARTHUR ROEBUCK is a fine specimen of a disappointing and
disappointed man. He went into Parliament a lion of Reform. Ho
has come out of the struggle a lamb of Austria, grazing below the
Tory gangway. In other words, he started as dog Tear'em, and has
ended as a. rat. As he sits under his own vine (covered with sour
grapes) and in his own Figtree-court, he must look back on his career
with asmuch bitterness, as he has ever reflected on the career of others
On that career duelling has left its black spot, hatred has sprinkled
its gall, ill-temper has upset its vinegar, and envy has spit its spite.
If there be any truth in metempsychosis, and the spirit contained in
this J. A. R. is ever infused into a dog Tear'em, that dog will have a
very short day. As, however, we don't take our politicians to horse-
ponds at all in these times, still less tie stones about their necks, MR.
RiOEnuc v will probably be spared, for many years, to pay his annual
visit to Austria, and write his annual burst of temper to the Times,
because it happens to mention that he is somewhere.
Ma. ROEBUCK was-born at Madras, in 1801, under a tropical sun,
and brought up on Indian pickles, according to the evidence of a
respectable Ayah, who admits that though a small ROEBUCK,he never
was a little dear. He was called to the bar in 1831, and went the
Northern circuit, where, no doubt,.he cross-examined thewitnesses on
his own side as well as those on the other.
He is a Bencher of the Inner Temple, the-abuses of which (probably
from being fond of abuse himself) he recently defended in the House
of Commons. He is also a Queen's Counsel, but has never counselled
the Queen as a cabinet minister or member of Government-a fact
which, no doubt, has tended to spoil the character of what once on a
time promised.to make a good House-dog.
He was first elected for Bath, the waters of which seemed to keep
him cool at first. He sat for it from 1832 until 1837, and again
from 181 till 184. Then, having become rabid, Tear-'em showed
signs- of hydrophobia, and left the Bath waters for the Sheffield
blades. On the Sheffield blades he has had not too comfortable a seat
since 1849.
Yet JOHN AnmraTnm ROEBUCK has done good service to the state;
better service than that juggling Hebrew gentleman, from whose old
clothes-bag he is now draped with a turned coat and a few rags of
Toryism. There was a time when he tried to smash that ringleted
Red Indian of debate, and very nearly succeeded.
What his politics are it is not easy to say. The public would be
inclined to call him a renegade from Liberalism to the Conservative
clique. He himself has said, I determined not to ally myself to
either of the great parties then dividing the House of Commons and
the kingdom. To that rule I have adhered through life, and no man
can now say I am either a Whig or Tory." And this is more true
than creditable. To be simply a political weathercock is a vane
ambition, and it has done ROEBUCK'S country little good that he did
not attach himself to either of the great parties," for he has not
turned out a great party" himself, or attached.even a small party
to him.
He was a notable hand once at pitching into grievances. He
tried to censure the Times for drawing his character; he called out
MR. BLACK, of the Morning CI-ronice (for a Liberal this was rather
opposed to the liberty of the press) ; he sat upon Dizzy ; he rated an
unhappy little doctor from Bodmin; he has pulled the Government
over the coals, times and often; he abused the French at Cherbourg
with a strange vigour considering his own tendency to Gall. Suppose
he were now to turn his invective against the recreant friend of
Hume, the renegade sitter below the Tory gangway, the blatant
politician, the pet-poodle of Austria! Hemmed in by fire on aH sides,
the scorpion, it is said, dies a fitting death, self-slain by its own
venom. We don't wish Ms. ROEBUCK so hard a fate as that, but he
might sharpen his own wits with his own tongue, and become at last
an eminent statesman.

LAw INTELLIGENCE.-The case of GOSLING v. GOSLING was heard
before the Loan CHANCELLOR the other day. We hear that, merely
gosling before they went to law, both plaintiff and defendant became
full-fledged geese immediately upon entering the offices of their
respective attorneys.
SERIOUS QUESTION.-The Zostera Marina may be a fair substitute
for cotton, but shall we preserve ourselves from ruin by going to
wrack ?
PERPETUAL lOTION.-Rent and taxes!

THE entries were not numinerons, but some well-known clippers"
having accepted, the rnco ws looked forward to with unusual interest.
The field consisted of the following, owners riding, some of whom
displayed considerable powers of "jokeying" :-
HON. R. STEWART'S filant. hioN. CArr. ANNESLrY'S .Defceh.
L1EUT.-CoL.Ii'RNAlY'sDict ioiiar!I. hll. NEiTrON'S Assistanucc.
MR. TEN BROE.CK'S ITOe'r. S1t In lYSTON.N WMA lAN's.aillan head.
ADMinL, Rous' Investigation. HON. R. LAhiLU'S CoenfessioiM.
Investigation and 1'ager were installed favourites, but it becoming
known that the rest of the field were in one stable, and running
to "serve" each other, the Confederacy took the first place, In ves-
tigation and Wager being still freely supported.
A very unequal start was effected, Plant and Dictiolnari getting oil
first, closely followed by Inrestig.ation, the rest in straggling order,
MR. TEN BROECK'S Wager, being 100 yards in the rear, was soon pulled
up, and left the race to the Admiral. On reaching the club, In osti-
gation overhauled the loaders, and, in the scrimmage that eonsuel,
seemed in some danger of being forced over the rails, but Ma. LAWLY'S
Confession fouling," the Confederacy enabled tile Admirtl to stave
off his opponents, and gave him a slight advantage. This lie main-
tained for some distance, but on roacling Publication-hill, Mn. STEWA irr
came with a rush, and made the running at a strong pace, supported
by the rest of the Confederacy, LInUT.-CoL. BURNABY lying in reserve
up to the enclosure, where he joined MR. STEWART, and the two sinul-
taneously challenged the Admiral at the Post," who answered
gamely, and a fine race ensued, tlhe Plant and )ictionary eventually
running a dead heat for first place; AnlMIRAL Rous was nioxt, the rest.
pulling up as they came in. MR. LAWLIE'S Co0efcssion, which broke
down badly, was dismounted, and walked in. Upon returning to scale,
the winners were objected to, as having "fouled'" MR. TEN BROECK
soon after starting, but the stewards, after hearing a mass of conflicting
evidence, overruled the objection, and Cot. BURNABI and Mn. BTSWAlr
divided the stakes.

I cRACKED a crib some years ago-beforo the beak vos brought, sir,
They proved some former felonies, and so it hot I caught, sir,
To Portland prison I vos sent to vork it out, per sentence,
And then I seed the only game vos ill health and repentance.
The chaplain vos a jolly gent, in pious thieves took pleasure,
Lawk! how I used to ax for tracts von fast I took his measure;
1 served four years instead of ten-I'd laid it on so thick, it
Vos vell invested piety, 'cos vy, 1 gets a ticket!
Oh! London is a jolly place, no end of cribs to crack, sir,
And lots of square coves out o' nights, I comes behind their back, sir,
Garottes 'em just like vinking ore they vun vord can utter,
They're done-- gets their ticker-ven I leaves 'em in the gutter.
Each Bobby has a regular beat, for us what can be better P
To DICKY MAYNE my humble thanks I sent last week by letter;
Of course we knows the crusher's time for turning round the corner,
And then, my eyes! garotting boys pick plums up, like JACK HORN'EIi.
Oh! crikey! ain't the square coves flats as pays the rates and taxes,
To lot us fellows out, in course to come behind their backses ?
But vote's the odds ? I looks towards Sim JOSHUA JEll, thO clover,
Here's my sentiments-" SlR JosauA JaEBu and garotting, boys,
for ever!"

our house-roof, when patrolled by their usual nocturnal promenaders,
Temple of the Mewses ?-We need not add that the perpetrator of the
above is now mewsing in safe custody.
FIND OUT! "-This, for us, very abrupt expression is intended as
an answer to the correspondent who writes to ask whether, in our
opinion, the CHANCELLOR or THE EXCIHEQuER'S plums are as good as
his peaches-his speeches !
SPORTING MEM.-We would suggest that MR. TEN BROECK should
be Umpire" in the present American struggle, and that the stakes
(states) should be divided.
ell !




F TJ jjI4*. [NOVEMBER 22, 1862.


7 _____ A
?7- -

-~28'1I MP R,,cl
Re=4A _:fl




Air--"Old Bob Ridley."
OH I am hero to sell my taturs,
So come and buy 'em, darlin' craturs !
For sure you'll find the ones I've got
The best that over "went to pot."
For they're prime kidneys, oh!
They're prime young kidneys, oh!
They're prime young kidneys, oh! I know!
They're prime young kidneys, oh!
Oh! hot with pepper, salt, and butter,
Their loveliness no tongue can utter;
Whoe'er's not tasted this sensation
Has not completed his education.
For they're prime kidneys, oh!
They're prime young kidneys, oh!
They're prime young kidneys, oh! I know !
They're prime young kidneys, oh!

"HANG IT ALL, THIS is TOO BAD !"-The chains, etc., of the late
Iungerford-bridge have been conveyed to Clifton for the bridge, long
since commenced over the Avon, at that place. The local papers are
congratulating themselves on the probable speedy completion of this
long-delayed work. We fear they are premature: how can they
expect the completion of a bridge, all the operations in connexion with
which will have to be suspended P
ALARMING INTELLIGENCE.-The number of persons applying to be
admitted attorneys is said to be considerable.

LOOKING for waste-paper to light a cigar, we find the Church and
State Review. A pretty state the church must be in to hold a
review of the sort, conducted by a priest who should have been long
ago unfrocked for brawling. We incline to believe, however, that his
command is nominal, and that, like a true son of the church, he
knows the beauty and profit ofa sinecure. He is generally reputed to be
" more "-something else-" than fool," and would not be so silly as
to lend himself (except at a high rate) to the abuse of FUN, described
in the Review as a "cheap and pointless sort of Charivari." The
Literary Bludgeon (some of the articles in type for which appear to
have been, from laudable motives of economy, worked up with the
Review) predicted that FUN was as good as defunct after its first
number. But where is now the Literary Bludgeon ?

WELL, here's to thee an' thoine, an' when thee an' thoine comes to
see may an' moine, I hope may an' moine will treat thee an' thoine as
thee an' thoine treated may an' moine, when may an' moine came to
see thee an' thoine.

LINCOLN'S LAST.-When is a grate like a southern plantation.-
When it is covered with blacks.


For 1863
is now ready, and can be had everywhere.

Printed aud Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 22, 18S2.

-~ ---



NovEMBu 29, 1862.]




Air-" We imay be hnlppy yet."
Poot thick First.
smile as you was used to laugh,
Before that splash of dirt
is cast across your lustrous calf.

To dim it with its squirt.
Your thougths, perchance, my noble swell,
That mud cannot forget,
But list the tidings which I tell-
"There's lots of blacking yet!
Boot the Second.
Oh! name not that departed shine,
The polish of Japan;
I'll make you, as to feet, as fine
As any other man.
Regard my brushes how they flash
Reflected in tlhe jet;
And think'whene'er you got a splash
"There's lots of blacking yet! "
(Encore rirse, while trousers are turned down.)
So smile as you was used to grin,
And at your boot look down,
Yes, smile to see your faco therein,
Then give the boy his brown.
When dust your upper-leather shades,
Or mud its gleam pollutes,
Oh then remember the Brigades,
Whose cry is, Clean yor boots!"

EVERYBODY has been wondering what would be the upshot
of the mysterious threat, emanating from the llaymarket, that
those who pirated Lord Dundreary, or any of his connexions,
would be proceeded against. It appears that the whole snflhir
arose out of a slight natural mistake on the part of that very
amiable nobleman, who was led to believe, by a process of
reasoning peculiar to himself, that Camilla's Husband was
his brother Sam.

unless they are prepared to dress the part" (as EDWIN would phrase
Talking of EIWIN, it is painful to hear him speak of the poor
No. XXVIII.-EXCURSIONISTS. devils" (alas! too truly !) whoso only holiday is Sunday, saying that,
DEAIn MR. EDITOR,-YOU would confer a lasting benefit on society, as a barrister in full practice, he knows what work is, but that the
if, through the medium of your columns, you would endeavour to put work he does is a joke to that of the poor clerk, who mounts his desk
a stop to afrightfully demoralizing practice, which is increasing week at nine in the morning, and don't dismount it until nine at night; or
by week among the more evil-disposed of our generally misguided the linendraper's assistant, who, with his fourteen hours of monotonous
working classes. I do not allude to garotting, dear Mr. Editor. drudgery and politeness under difficulties (Mider diliculties !) finds no
Garotting is a dreadful thing, but the practice I am about to complain halting place until the Sunday brings round with it an extra hour in
of is far more dreadful, because, while it is equally demoralizing in its bed, and (now and then) a cheap two shillings' worth of fresh air;
tendency, it is more universal. actually saying that in the green fields and on the green hills sermons
The well-regulated Christian mind can scarcely, if it lives in Ken- I quite as instructive are to be found as thoso one hears of tlhe HoN. and
sington, fail to be painfully struck when it sees, as I see, Sunday IEV. EusEllnus BELAMOUa! -Your sincere friend,
after Sunday, thousands of ill-dressed and conscience-less pleasure- Kensington Palace Gardens. ANGcil:lINA BRowN.
hunters crowding the roofs of the omnibusses that run to Richmond
(I believe) and elsewhere. I meet them, Mr. Editor, as I drive to
church in the morning, and I often wonder how on earth they can
look pious and humble-minded church-goers in the face without getting ORCHESTRAL PITCH.
off the omnibusses on the spot, and going home wiser and sadder men. TaE following paragraph, which appears in a morning paper, doubt-
Not only men, but women, Mr. Editor, common men and common means something, but to the uninitiated it i a curiosity:-
(or worse) women such as sempstresses, housemaids, navvies,
government clerks, and people of that stamp, the men smoking filthy "The French orchestral pitch, as settled by the commission whose discussion
pipes, and laughing and talking in such a thoughtless way that it excited so much attention here ani elsewhere sonne couple of years ago, appears
induced the following reflection: "Ah, you poor lost lambs You
think you are going to Richmond; you are not going there, but What is "French orchestral pitch ?" Is it a new importation, or a
elsewhere-clsewhere !" This remark I made to dear mamma who was production of the Gallic soil which is to supersede armour in the con-
with me at the time in a bonnet of the year before last, and the dress struction of vessels of war? Or have the French orchestras been
she wore when I was christened, I do believe, and looking altogether "pitch "-ing into one another, and is the quarrel being taken up all
such a preposterous figure, that I was absolutely ashamed to be seen over Germany? Or has the "pitch" or orchestral anything to do
walking to church with her. I don't mind that sort of thing on a with the black art ? Is it a new method of playing "pitch and toss ?"
week day, dear Mr. Editor, but on a Sunday decent Christians should All the questions may remain unanswered, and we simply say to the
not exhibit themselves as members of a fashionable congregation, writer of the paragraph, Ta! ta!






[NOVEMBEB 29, 186i.

Communicated by a Member of the Arch-l-g-e-l Society.
-- -s HERE are no fields there now.
S -.' Oh! dear, no; only a large square
enclosure, spotted over with dirt-
s' browned trees like plums on a
schoolboy's pudding, and surroun-
.ded by railings; but considering
the vicinity of the lawyers, this
last is perhaps accounted for.
3 \"- 1j The houses in Lincoln's Inn
Fields were built, in 1618, by INIGO
JON:s, who derived his Christian
name from a habit he had of
answering, "All right, in I go,"
S when offered work, thereby sig-
unifying his readiness to undertake
fl-it. In his early life he was an
amateur carpenter, but as he
speedily rose to the position of a
first-class architect, it is clear he
must soon have hammered the
nail of success into the ladder of
prosperity, and while he discarded
S chiseling, have made plain dealing
e -the rule of his life. But, stump-
oratorically speaking, to return to
our subject. The site of Lincoln's
Inn Fields was supposed to cover
the same area as the base of the
great pyramid; but this base story,
lico many others of a similar nature, has literally no foundation, and
the discoveries of recent travellers compel us to decline swallowing
the great pyramid as a morsel too large even for the gullibility of
modern gullets. The fields were at a very early period the resort of
wrestlers, bowlers, beggars, and thieves; and had our ancestors been
sufficiently advanced in civilization to let their worst criminals loose
upon society after having once caged those interesting birds, doubt-
less those gentlemen who now-a-days obtain tickets-of-leave to knock
the British public on the head whenever an opportunity offers, would
also have been ropresonted. To prevent the assembling of these
suspicious characters, in 1735 the railings were put up, and the
thieves, either deterred by the stings of conscience or the fear of
impalement on the iron spikes, though they still kept an eye on them,
did so at a respectful distance. In the immediate vicinity is Whet-
stone Park, which originally derived its name from the fact of the
loose classes above-mentioned collecting there to sharpen their knives
as a preliminary to making the unwary passers-by fork out. SADLER,
a member of the kleptomaniac profession, in the reign of CHARLES II.
stole the chancellor's official mace and purse, and made a mock pro-
cession through Lincoln's Inn Fields with his pals-not that that
could be said to be any pal-liation of the offence. When the robbery
became known, the court jesters remarked that the thief of the mace
was a spicy affair, and as for the purse, there really must be some-
thing in it-which was perfectly true, for SADLER found a halter there,
and some time afterwards made an experiment on the tensile proper-
ties of rope, at Tyburn, assisted by FPOFESSOR KETCH.
It was in Lincoln's Inn Fields that BALLARD, BABINGTON, and the
rest of the conspirators who attempted to take a crown from QUEEN
BEss and present it to her rival, came to grief. Though it was done
in the service of the QUEEN OF SCOTS, they did not come off scot free,
but discovered that playing either for or with crowns is a dangerous
game, and more likely to lead to the removal of the player's private
one from his own shoulders than any other result.
These are a few of the old associations connected with Lincoln's
Inn Fields (not to mention several insurance companies, which,
however, have no interest to the archmologist, unless he be assured
in one, except as a proof of the lengths to which modern assurance will
go) ; and the wanderer lays down the stylus of description, and seeks
the easy chair of reflection, hoping that his slight endeavours may be
found to combine, etc. etc. etc.*

UNDER A SPELL.-Parties in the Raindeer v. Reindeer controversy.

Our rendlrs can ill this up in any way they please. In the words of an
ancient metaphysical writer, "You pays your money, and you takes your

GENIUS is defined absurdly by DR. JOHnBImY -- ho, if not a good
authority, settles a wager as well as a etter-to be large, general
powers turned in a particular direction," and according to this, the
boiler of a steam-engine which every morning takes a Great Western
train on to Bristol, would have to be called a decided genius. The
word meant originally the familiar spirit which was anciently supposed
to attend every individual through life, and it has thus popularly come
to imply the peculiarities attending character. With a literary man
gin has been vulgarly supposed to be his familiar spirit, and "a
remarkable quantity of gin-he-has" will be often found the only
estimate made by the ignorant world of one with a poetic temperament
and a great ima-gin-ation.
GENTLEMAN.-The highest title that a man can earn, and to be
denied his right to which is regarded as the greatest insult a man
can receive. The true gentleman is one who always properly con-
ducts himself. MR. ALFRED MELLON may be thus mentioned as a
fine young English gentleman who marks the present time. Formerly,
it was the fashion to consider a gentleman only one who came from
a good stock, but when the fashions changed, and stocks went out,
that which was above the neck-tie entitled the person to enjoy the
distinction, and we accordingly often hear MR. CHARLES KEAN
receiving recognition as a gentleman and as collar. The gent" is
less frequently heard of, but he still meets the eye in several directions,
and the term may be retained as signifying one who is not even half a
gentleman. It is, however, an obvious contradiction of terms when
the comic servant in a farce speaks of the rich uncle from Calcutta as
being the Indy gent so long expected.
GHOST.-One of that unfortunately numerous class who have the
greatest difficulty in keeping up appearances. How they get their
existence has been often a puzzle to many. Those who don't believe
in them in the light, yet feel nervous if some be leaving' them in the
dark. When they hear a strange sound, they cannot help admitting it
annoys. Whether travellers by the Underground Railway have the
privilege of return-tickets remains with several a question undecided.
Their great difficulty seems to be to understand how any poor fellow
on this earth, by a change of state, can ever become a happy
rich 'un.
GIAnTS.-A race of giants was once supposed to have overran the
earth; but as they appear to have been very troublesome, we cannot
regret the race ran out. Tall men who lived long, long ago, are
mentioned by our early historians; but what all men will agree in
thinking is, that had they stretched themselves out to the present
day they would have been men shunned by everybody. The eccentric
BISHOP BERKELEY is said to have successfully manufactured a giant.
He took a poor boy, named MAGRATH, and reared him on certain
hy-gienic principles, till his height, at twenty years of age, was seven
feet eight inches. After all these pains, the Dublin medical men, who
were invited to walk up, ceased to be surprised at this high-bred
youth being suddenly cut off, as they had been always hearing the
boy's groan and listening to reports of his remarkable sighs. The
bishop's account was clearly made out, but he never furnished the
receipt. It is worthy of observation that all our greatest men,in
point of stature at least, have been of Higherish extraction.
GIN, laconic for Geneva, which will thus remind us of the large
quantity of water always mixed up with the spirit, and account for
the beautiful ache that comes into our head when we think of the gin
in the morning. There is no article of consumption so greatly adul-
terated as this, which shows that if you are recommended to keep up
pure spirits, gin is the last stimulant you should take.
GIPsv.-The name is a supposed corruption from Egyptian, as they
were thought to have come from Egypt; but it is now generally
believed they originated in Hindoostan, and this is certainly corrobo-
rated by their in-dust-tanny complexion. In England we know them
as a wandering tribe who profess to put their hand to anything, stray
poultry in the farmyard and linen left out after dark especially. They
are popularly accredited with some skill in palmistry, or the art of
selling fortunes by the lines in the hand, but there is less of palmistry
than so-fist-try about their predictions. In suburban tea-gardens they
are often found in a maze, and we frequently find their credulous
listeners in the same condition.

NATURAL HISTORY.-How is it that a fish can see to swim in the
dark ?-Because he carries two pair o'fins with him.
A PUZZLE FOR BABBAGE.--When "distance lends enchantment to
the view," to what rate of interest is she entitled ?

NOVEMBER 29, 1862.]


hoi0-. Get somebody to lend you a fruit gard-en for few ihouIrs, andil
ALMANACK AND DIARY. refuse to return it when sent for. This will last vou until ntxt wnek.
ETEOILLOGIC ssND ATRILLOGIAL NOTICES. s Spsrouts are best grown on Brussels carpets, like mui ihta d
THE thermometer rose at six o'clock the other morning, and took a Capsicimn.-Nover give a party without inviting this kitclon plant
walk round the grounds. Everybody was highly pleased, to be present. If unable to accept, it will send to say talsi.cau't
The "Unfolding Star" is in SHAKSPEABE, and not in the sky; vide cum," and there will be an end of the matter.
Measure for Measure. Ilew to Destroy Aits.-Go to the an-t's nest, attract their attention,
Ftct for Dr. Coleniso.-It is reported that No.in (no relation to the perform some iatics ; disgusted at at your assumed levity the little
buoy at the Noah) never paid his bills when sailing in the north; insects will retire from business.
this latitude (on his part)-has been henceforth known as the Ark-
tick circle.
An Anxious Astronomer writes to us to know Whether the Moon is"
(something which we can't make out); and, if so, would the effect LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.
upon the earth be" (a word almost illegible, but looks like SMuIT");
"as, in that case, we might fairly calculate upon" (a large blot No. 15.-- IGIIT HoN. EDW.ARD IlHOSMAN, M.'.
here) "every night."-Yes; oh! yes; no doubt of it. Say we W VIEN ]1t. HORSi[AN entered the HIouse, every M.P. opposed to hint
told you. in politics felt the necessity of preparing to receive cavalry. Never
VEMER i did so remorseless a knight put lance in the rest, which lie inevrr
NOVEMBER. i gave his enemies. His "charges" have been mnanv, oftin well-
23 S Mining in Pul-pits. directed, but occasionally wild and wilful. lie was first chosen as
24 M Volunteer FAte. Volunteers dress up" for charades. fitting representative of Cockermouth in 1836(. The corkers of that
25 Tu Opening of the Asylum for Blind Hookey. Admission by place doubtless smacked their lips at the notion of sending such a
card only. game bird into the St. Stephen's pit. Many a main has lie fought
26 W FAte day. People go out dressed in FuN-ery. since, and many a coxcomb has been stung by the spur of the
27 TH Annual ballet under the dome of St. Paul's by the benchers HotnsxAN.
of Lincoln's Inn. His first raid was made among the bishops, and with a notable
28 F Good day for turning on the gas all over the house, and effect. His descent among the drowsy prelates in the hosom of the
then going out for a walk. church was as startling as lie gallop of the rider mentioned by
29 S Nothing. Verbum Sat-urday. WASHINGTON ITlVING as hilauting Sleepy Hollow. IBt in this
case the Horsman was not, a headless one, at that time al, least, though
THE GARDEN. from his recent behaviour, one is almost inclined to believe that lie
Night Nuisances.-Bats in the garden are certainly annoying; don't has exchanged his cranium for the pumpkin-substitute of BIole
give them any money, and they won't trouble you again. We got rid, BONEs.
of a whole lot of acro-bats in this manner. MR. HonSMAN is an advocate of the Scotclh bar (where le naturally
We have not said much lately about mignionette. And why? We practices in equity), and the Scotch bar may feel very hiltiered, for it
don't know. The flower, however, is a servile one, will carry, or is about the only thing that he is an advocate of. Generally speaik-
rather bear, plenty of flowers if trained properly, and will fetch a good I ng, his speciality is rather in condemning other people's measures.
sum. To prevent its getting conceited, remind it every morning of I The practice hasgrown upon him, and he is now an inveterate but
its slavish position by looking contemptuously at it, and saying, impotent grumbler. If lie gnihered a clan round himi, lie might be
" Minion-et-cetera ; after which retire. formidable in the House; butl he is perllps too out-spoken for sniuch
Potatoes.-Be ever charitable to this earthy apple, and always, if at clan-destiny. lHe has therefore no great pcirsonal weight in the
dinner, help them, whether you are asked or not. House, though his tongue is a heavy one. His inlienco his cir-
Crocis.-This is the flower to afford an evening's amusement. It tainly not been increased by his gradual desertion of liberal principles
will perform conjuring tricks by the hour, prefacing each marvel with for Tory interests. Jle has ihvoured the world wit some rapid scenes
"Crocus-pocus." Oh! the delights of a garden! in a circus, which brought him round somewhat to Conservatism.
A geranium can be hired by the hour if taken from a flower-stand. But, though lie turned his coat in his wild career," lio was too ex-
It is unable, however, to give you two three-pennies for a sixpence, pericnccd an equestrian to let himself he unseated, although Stroud,
as it cannot stand change. for which lie was elected in 1853, tried to unIhorse him, and un-llorsman
The best spotted pelargoniums of last year were those which we itself.
spotted ourselves. This very versatile performer has, on several occasions, made hilm-
Gardener's Game for Cold Weather.-Coax a flower-pot into a goose- self eminently ludicrous. Once lie quitted the ring to attempt a part
berry bush; then throw hints out at him until dinner-time. This is in comedy. He made a vigorous attack on the Tihirs and the M.P.
warm work, but so much the better. for Berkshire, in a piece which we may christen, Still WAr.mttI runs
The horticulturists who wish to grow ash-plants in their garden, Deep." There was not much harm done by this display, when a peep
will do well to visit Ashley's during the flower-show. behind the curtain in Printing-liouse-square let the public into a few
The Snow Drop.-Look out for it, catch it on your umbrella, pot or stage secrets. But our equestrian has been guilty of galloping an
sow it immediately in a rich loamy soil with the chill off. Run about unruly hobby on the Westminster boards a little too offr n. lie has
screaming, and return with your hat off, and the three of spades in run a muck at the French Treaty and the GLADSTONE Budgets-a fact
your left hand. which seems to prove that his hobby ran away with him. Thli hobby
The Snow Flake requires similar care and attention; but to bring is an unquenchable desire to be a great power in the ITouse. He bears
this delicate exotic to perfection, it is necessary that the gardener no brother near the throne, asks for no followers, and is ambitious.
sleep with his face downwards (always on a rich loamy soil) and his to say, "Alone I did it! This is a Don Quixotish feat of horse-
boots off. manship, and the windmills have got the best of him pretty often.
The Dandy Lion requires a new suit of clothes every week ; and at The result is, that he is bruised in temper, and khas become the very
the same time let the bars of its cage be measured for a fresh coat of ISHMAEL of debate. His speeches-and lie is really a good speaker,
paint. clear, fluent, and graceful-have degenerated into Saturday Review
The Double Booby, or Minor Crankum, a rare plant, only to be criticism diluted with vinegar.
raised by holding it up to universal execration. Admire the works of In spite of the mistakes he has made, we confess an admiration fbr
nature, and dance round your front garden. IoasMAlN. In these days of boxing-glove and padding encounters, it
The Monkey Flower is of the imi'tatcr tribe, and must be fed with is pleasant to come across a man who will fight d 1' ovtrance, as brave
nuts, or nut at all. old CIHRISTOPIIER NORTH used to do, though on the wrong side. In
Solomon's Seal.-A hardy perennial, as may be imagined. It has these days, when criticism indulges in kid gloves, platitudes, un-
been recently (we believe) given to the Zoological Gardens, and so veracities, and compliments, we could ill afford to lose the M.P. for
kept alive in plenty of water. Stroud. If he is rather an over-dose, he is a very good corrective.
Advice.-There are a great number of persons in the neighbour- He can deliver a good knock-down" blow, a rare quality not always
hood of London who possess the means for cultivating a small inherited even by the sons of auctioneers. Long, therefore, may
garden, but from sheer ignorance are unable to begin operations. EDWARD HORSMANs be in a position to "catch the eye" of the RImHT
Don't let that stand in your way, say we. Commence at once; buy a HoN. J. E. DENISON, and to keep an cyo" on the bishops of the
rake, a spade, a trombone, a hoe, a gridiron, and some corn-plaister. church, in which another DENrsoN plays the part of Anlan by per-
Dig a hole, then dig a half. Work on at a poor rate of so much an petually troubling Israel."

10 [NOVEMBER 29, 1862.



THERE had been heavy drinking and heavier play. RALPH ASHENDEN
had lost deeply; but not a twitch of the giant's muscles ever showed
that he felt the loss. Tall and beautiful, he sat serenely at the table
and played on. At times his gray eyes seemed to darken ominously;
but no other sign betrayed the emotion that he felt. Noblesse oblige !
I can see him now-calm, stately, erect. Over the classically
chiselled lips there passed from time to time a somewhat cynical
smile; and once-but that was whilst he was winning-he had broken
into a short mocking laugh, that was not pleasant to hear. The drink
had told upon many of the party, but it had seemed only to make
RALPH calmer. As one weakling after another gave in, the gray eyes
twinkled scornfully,-and the enormous right hand carried a fresh
bumper to the giant's lips. It was terrible, it was lurid, this supremacy
in evil, this pride of pre-eminence in the pit.
Half Hysden Woods would have to fall unless the luck changed.
Young PEVERIL, RALPH'S antagonist, threw. Six, five.
RALPH'S hand was as calm and steady as a soldier's on parade.
Men looked keenly at him. They could see no flinching as he threw.
Deuce, ace Ralph had lost half his fortune. He calmly knocked
the ash from his cigar and said, in a perfectly quiet voice-
Shall we double again ? "
But the other feared. The stakes were too terrible. A deep breath
of relief was drawn by almost every man. But not by RALPH. He
smiled grimly, and refilled his glass. Those who were closest to him,
however, noticed that there was a gathering flush upon his cheek.
Was it anger ? Was it intoxication ? H became talkative.
"Nuno vino, etcetera," said he. "You shall drink, PEVERIL."
"Bah! cried the blonde guardsman. "There is no drink now.
The whole age has gone to the bad. Old families decay; what is
worse still is that old vines grow rotten. Modern life is a swindle."

PEVERIL had not left Oxford more than two years, but cynics grow
old rapidly. He was as tall as RALPH, and almost as muscular.
"Modern life is nothing of the kind," said RALPH, in a deep voice
that seemed to boom through the salle like the roar of distant cannon.
Modern life is healthy and grand, and full of excitement. It is our
own faults if we prefer this! There is as much bravery, wit, beauty
in the world as ever there was."
"Wit ?" said PEVERIL, "where do you find it ?" A thrill of
terror went through the room. It was plain that PEVERIL sought a
quarrel; for every man knew well that RALPH ASHENDEN himself had
once contributed a conundrum to FUN, and that, with the true pride
of an author, he would allow no jesting on the subject.
Ominously dark grew the gray eyes. The lips were terribly fixed.
I find wit, LIEUTENANT PEVERIL," said RALPH, speaking very
calmly, "in the columns of FUN. And I will relate a little anecdote
bearing upon the point."
He modulated his voice to a gentle and lower tone, as he went on.
"I once met a man who differed with me in opinion. I said CER-
VANTES was far greater than LE SAGE. He doubted it. The argument
grew hot. He is buried at Norwood."
And so dark looked the eyes, so grimly fixed were the cold, cruel
lips, that PEVERIL could only stammer out, Well, I think you are
right after all. I only asked you for FUN."

MAYOR AND HARE.-MR. JOHN HARE, the ex-mayor of Bristol, has
had a vote of thanks awarded him by the corporation. In acknowledg-
ing it he said, "I have felt most grateful to the reporters for not
reporting me too correctly. Many a doubtful period have they polished
off so that I hardly recognized my crudities in their new setting."
Marry! here was "the hare and many friends" again. We presume
the crudities which were polished and put in a new setting were
Bristol diamonds.

F -UJT N .-NoVEMnEIR 29, 1862.

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NOYEMBER. 29, 1862.] F N1. 1071
___________________________________________________ ________ ____________




Air-"The tight little island."
DOCTOR SAMUEL J. was a swell in his day,
But-it shows how earth's estimates vary-
No one now will acknowledge he knew etymology
And we sneer at his dictio-nary.
Oh! but that spelling of JoINsoN's
Really was very great nonsense,
R-a-i-n; rain for reindeer,-'tis plain,
Is a very wrong spelling of JOHNsoN's.
DOCTOR JOHNSON was then thought the greatest of men,
And he gave himself fine airs and graces;
But this grand man of letters now meets with his betters,
And is mixed up with second-rate races.
Oh! but that wonderful doctor
Was a very poor spelling concocter;
R-a-i-n; rain for reindeer,-'tis plain,
'Twas not rightly derived by the doctor.
To be clapt on the back of a reindeer, good lack,
For some cute bubble-wager inciter,
To ride a sham race was a very strange case
For a lexicographical writer.
Oh! but in ignorance JOHNSON
This spelling agreed for the nonce on;
R-a-i-n; rain for reindeer,-'tis plain,
Was a hasty mistake of old JOHNSON.

JOHNsON, thus made the serf of the ring and the turf,
Quite enough every feeling to shock is!
It's too bad, I declare, when our Learning's big bear
Has to dance for amusement of jockeys.
Oh! but the idol of BozzY
Wasn't meant for such work as this, was he ?
R-a-i-n; rain for reindeer,-'tis plain,
Has o'erthrown the great idol of BozzY.
That this famed son of Learning a blackleg's been turning,
Is a charge that is proved to the letter,
Wherewith spelling reindeer, of transactions most queer,
He an aider becomes-and a-better.
Oh! how disgraceful for SAMIY,
The great hand at "lexicogrammy;"
R-a-i-n; rain for reindeer,-'tis plain,
Has spell-bound the wonderful SAMMYr.

AtleuRi, Novoinlhr 19S118.
I AM hero at last; in the classic land of Mlun.TAni s and MAVlAcori0-
iDATO, whero the horn of the hunter is heard on the hill, and the
brawny Albanian bares his bronzed and sinewy arm to the fresh
breezes that sweep from Sphacteria to Abydos. Pardon the enthu-
siasm of a scholar, who treads again the classic acres of AR, SII.,As,
THi.ASYBULUS, and SA'Plno. Furnished by your bounty with ample
means, I found my passage in the bustle i i rapoor an exceedingly
agreeable trip. Onsg passoeg, I consider the Mediterranean overrated;
but there was some good brandy at Malta.
Excitement grows by what it feeds on. We aro in full revolution.
The Suliotes are up; the Zulu-Zulotes are in arms ; and every
yataghan is drawn fiom its silver ci(iqlor to be brandished, should
occasion call, against the turbaned hordes of KiS.L\i-At;'. Your
correspondent will bo all itere. lie studied ?I' bliii under Yo)"'r
SHAW; ho has fenced at AxnIl.o's, and ho knows a pistol ftron a
plum-tree. The man who has been sent by one of yotir daily
contemporaries does not. I shalll be in the thiclke.l ofi tin fray;
depend upon that! Tho profession of journalism shall suller no dis-
credit in the person of your correspondent. 'The people here uspeli,
that I am a Britannic agent. I will not disguise the fltl,: I a!
If, by my humble cflorts, 1 help to place a regal circlet upon a young
and princely brow-but soft! I anticipate.
Tho Philbritannic feeling is growing. Many of our couilrynuion
have visited Greece. Their gentlemanly anid aIllilo deniianoin, tlhir
absence of pretension and hauleur, havo won all (Irecian hearts.
The memory of lixuoN, also, has had its influence. The people,
remembering the Martyr of Missolonghi, havo adopt (d punning as a
national custom. It was only yesterday that 1 asked my Iirat-la kouii i
(or valley) whether ho preferred the mountains or the sea ? 110
immediately answered, "Thalatta (the' latlr !). Who can despair
of such a people ? Not your correspondent.
Various lists of possible ministries are in circulation. I send you a

few details on this question :-
Minister of War ... ... ... ...
Oratorical Inspirator (with liberty
to cut off three heads) ......
Master of the lIorso ... ...
First Archimandrito .........
SecondArchimandrite witha song)
CHARLES, his friend ... ...

Public Worship ...... ...
Finance ... ... ... ... ... ...
Marino ..

The Dra a ... ... ... ..

MJI. BIliniuos.

A)MIiN A ri lRous'OCANAC.1I.
]By the wlholo strenigthl of t ho
MIR. (1. .J. Il),YVOAKEA m)RI>.
MRl. P'i'nI MO RonisollS :I .
PHAULCON, or the Shlip-boy who
became a Minidter.
PIHAU\lrONEil, or the Call-hey
who became a Manager.

I do not pledge-I don't mean my watch; that lhas long Ninco
departed-I do not pledge my reputation to the exact accuracy of this
list; but I should not be surprised to lind it very near the truth.
One thing is settled absolutely; Ma. DAVID) UIQUIAwr goes as
ambassador to Russia, with permission to produce a new opera by
Novemitbr 19, 1862.
The steamer leaves the Pirmus this afternoon. Fresh events havo
occurred this morning. Two new candidates for theo lhrno lhavo
issued addresses ; and my list of intending competitors may, at any
moment, have to be increased by the addition of others. The gentle-
men at present in the field are-
2. PRINCE NAPOLEON (of poor, but honest parents).
4. MR. NORFOLK HOWARD. (This candidate will probably give way
5. Your correspondent.
November n1, 1862, (5 r.i.)
I open my packet to say that nothing further has transpired.

To Persons in Debt.-Get out.
To the Unmarried.-Keep so.
To Smart Yovugj Men.-Join the volunteer corps.

SEPITAPH ON THE EXirIBITION or 1802.-" We ne'er shall look upon
Sits like again; "-at least, we hope so.

108 I IN. [NOVEMBER 29, 1862.


XVr .- "- V tL- ( 1" ( i I / I WIN m A' F f

)DEA ANNE,-In consequence of the outcry about these garret that was being tried, in which a very clever bannister had taken a
robberies, and' the utter inefficacy of the police, both the detectives large flea from some lady in order to persecute her soot ; and then it
and the other sort, we are now determined upon going, come what was a question whether he should be paid or not. One gentleman
may. London, even in this age of sibillation, is dangerous after dark ;" said, with very forcible orrery, that the bannister's flea, which is
and oven M-. WICKED CODLINGS himself, who wrote a novel of that always marked on his beef, was only an aquarium (or some such
name, and a number, or several numbers, of delightfully horrible foreign term), and therefore, that this case wouldn't hold water.
stories, could not infant anything more mysterious than the mode in There was another curious proceeding against some schoolmaster,
which these crimes are penetrated. Some folks carry knives, perhaps who said that a little boy had stolen a' bun, but it seemed that he'd
forks too, and six-panelled involves, besides sword-sticks, dirts, and only taken the bun to give to another little boy who couldn't come to
other very offensive weapons. Talking of hovels, I've lately been the feast; and I really wandered that such matters hadn't been
reading one of ANATOMY TROLLOI'E'S works, which was very accusing settled at home, and not brought before a public. Some of the judges
and sometimes highly constructive. The American civil war still always sit in error; I think, considering the celery which is paid them,
rages, but there has been a talk about inference and meditation on the they might choose lawyers who, when they do sit, would sit cor-
part of the ErMBROIDEER OF THE FRiENCH. I elude to LEWIS NAPOLEON, rectly.
the SALVE OF RUSSIA, and LORD JouN RUSTLE, but all this, MR. H. There were a great number of bannisters who seemed to be doing
says, will evacuate in nothing. The other day, accompanied by MR. nothing at all, and I can't make out how they get their living by
PENNEFEATIIIt, the imminent bannister, we visited the Course of merely sitting in there all day in white wigs and black gowns, with
Law at Westminster Hall. MR. P. acted as our Cicero, and gave us white bands like clergymen, either engaging in consternation with one
several useful pieces of inflammation. I can't recollect the names of another, reading newspapers, eating biscuits, or sleeping. Some
the different places into which we stayed, but one was the Checker, bustle in and out carrying big books and papers, but they didn't seem
another the Common Fleas, and in another of the course, the judges to know what to do with them when they'd got them. But it's a.
were sitting in Banjo. MR. P. pointed out to us the CHIEF BARREN marvellous thing to see how very stupid the judies all look in their
BULLOCK, also JUSTICE VWHITEMXN and BI.hCK AN and several others, boxes, and how sharp the council appears who's arranging them.
but I own that I'm rather confused as to their names. There seemed Then the different styles we heard, one was so gentle and polite, and
to be a great manyofthe CHIEF Bu RREN BULLOCK'Sname about, one of another so furious, while a third winked his eye, made justs and
whom was a Clerk of the Course, but though they called him a clerk laughed at 'em himself a good deal more than the others did who'
I never heard him say 'amen' once. Then there was a bannister of heard him. But MR. P. says that a very little joke goes a long way
the same name, who, I'm told is a very rising juror, and I should think he in the course, and I should think from the look of some people, not
was, as I saw him get up several times while I was a speculator of lawyers but dependants and plaintives, that it was anything but a
their proceedings. All the Justices, you must know, are Barrens, laughable affair for them. Altogether we were much pleased, and
except one, who's an Earl. came home in a high state of delegation. Next week we shall for
We heard some very curious terms; one was about a "degree nice- certain leave London soon after the first of Dissembler, and I'm
eye," and then MR. P. gave us an exclamation as to how, on some soot looking forward to the pleasant retrospect of a merry Christmas, away
or other,a party could enter into a "state procession," which stops the from garret robberies and London frogs.-I remain, your affectionate
action. One learned friend then deformed us all about a great case sister, MARY ANNE HODGKINSON.

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