TEMPTED BY A POLITICAL SIREN.
OLD AND NEW
BILL NYE'S CAT.
WITH NEW ILLUSTRATIONS FROM ORIGINAL SKETCHES, PHOTO
GRAPHS, MEMORANDA, AND AUTHENTIC SOURCES,
BY WILLIAMS, OPPER, AND HOPKINS.
W. B. CONKEY COMPANY,
UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA LIBRARIES
BY B.LFORD, CLARKE & Co.
BY M RRILL, HIGGINS & Co.
BY W. B. CONKEY COMPANY.
The Shakspeare-Bacon Puzzle Wrestled with Conscientiously... 11
How the Glorious Fourth was Celebrated at Whalen's Grove.... 21
Bill Nye finds Colorow full of Odd Traits................. 80
Ilill Nye pays a Brief Visit to a Professional Star Reader....... 89
Concerning the French Masterpieces at the Academy of Design. 47
7~ill Nye Diagnosticates the Plaint of a Country Cousin......... 55
1i1ill Nye in the Role of an Ute Indian Jenkins ............... 64
'n an Unguarded Moment Bill Nye is Captured by a Political
Siren ............................................... 73
Bill Nye Descants upon Young Ives' Ideas of Finance.......... 80
A few Remarks upon our Hostelry System as it now Prevails... 89
William Nye Visits Royalty from the Home of the Ham Sand-
wich ............................................... 98
I CHESTNUT-BURR XII.
The Humorist interviews his Grace the Duke in the Improved
Style............................. ................... 104
'The Old Man Eloquent". ....................... ....... 112
The Amende Honorable .................... ............. 116
A Big Corner on Pork.................................... 121
Patrick Oleson............................................ 127
Longing for Home........................................ 133
The True History of Damon and Pythias.................... 137
A Story of Spotted Tail................. .................. 142
The Romance of Horse-Shoeing........................... 146
Experience on the Feverish Hornet.......................... 150
Ancient Bric-a-Brac......... .............................. 159
The Two-Headed Girl.................................. 163
A Pathetic Episode in Northern Wisconsin.................. 166
Bill Nye Essays a Novelette .................. ............ 170
The Daughter of Bob-Tail-Flush............................. 176
Our Great National Motto................... ........... 181
Bill Nye at a Tournament................................... 185
A Social Curse-- T1e Man who Interrupts................... 188
A Discourse on Cats.............................. ....... 191
The Great Oration of Spartacus.............................. 194
Woman's Suffrage in Wyoming............. ............. 199
Concerning the Swallow.................................... 808
A Novel Way of Marking Clothes ................................. 206
The Unhappy Humorist........................................... 209
The Soda Lakes of Wyoming............................... 212
Viewsof Chicago......................................... 215
A School of Journalism..................................... 221
Some Factsof Science........................... ........ 226
Sorrows of a One-Legged Man ............... ............ 231
Revelation in Utah ....................................... 285
The Tongue-Destroying French Language................. 238
The Gentle Spring.............. .......................... 241
One Touch of Nature........................................ 245
Fun of Being a Publisher.................................. 249
Performance of the Phoenix ................................ 252
Nye as Critic, and Nye as Poet.................................. 258
POEMS BY BILL NYE.
Apostrophe to an Orphan Mule............................. 261
Ode to Spring............................................... 262
The Picnic Snoozer's Lament................................ 263
Ode to the Cucumber....................................... 263
Apostrophe to 0. Wilde.................................... 264
Adjustable Campaign Song................................ 265
The Beautiful Snow......................................... 266
A BTUHEL OF SMALLER CHESTNUTS.
Awkwardneis of Carrying Whiskey About ................... 88
A Child's Faith ........................................... 149
A Frontier Incident......................................... 281
A Good Painting for the Capitol........................ ... 79
A Grave Question.......... ............. ................... 182
A Hat Deposit in the Black Hills.......................... 230
A Lesson from the Mule..................................... 252
A Trying Situation......................................... 141
A Word of Explanation..... ....................... ........... 103
An Unclouded Welcome.... ............................. .. 132
Bankrupt Sale of Literary Gems........................... 284
Carrying Revolves ........................................ 275
Carving Schools .......................................... 240
Encouraging Green Jokes................................... 29
Etiquette for the Young.................................... 271
Firmness........... ................................... 257
Hints on Letter Writing................................... 285
How to deal with the Revolver... ........................ 248
How to Preserve Teeth.................................... 149
Ingratitude of the Human Heart........................... 46
Joint Powder .................... .................... .... ..... 162
Laramie's Handkerchief................................... 211
Loafing Around Home....................... ................ 178
Marriage.............................................. ........ 97
Men are often Misunderstood............................... 63
Modern Fiction is Unreliable............................... 225
Our Compliments.......................................... 165
Pigeon-toed Pete.......................................... 202
Pity for Sad-Eyed Husbands ............................... 97
Pleasures of Spring ............... ......... .................... 182
Pugilist or Statesman ...................................... 257
Some Earnest Thoughts...................... .................. 179
Sudden Fame..................................................... 285
Sure Cure for Biliousness ........... ..................... 72
Sweet Influences of Changing Seasons ...................... 120
Sweet Saint Valentine ...................................... 273
The Agitated Hen........................................... 277
The Anti-Clinker Base-Burner Bee........................ 88
The Boy with a Future..................................... 242
The Chinese Compositor ................... ............... 111
The Costly Watermelon.................................... 214
The English Joke............................ ......... 286
The Female Artiste .................................... ... 248
The Happy Codfish........................................ 205
The March of Civilization .................................. 120
The Model Sleeping-Car ................................... 237
The Picnic Plant.......................................... 158
The Plumage of the Ostrich................................ 178
The Right Sort of Boy ............ ...................... .... 38
The Secret of Health....................................... 169
'I'he True American........................................ 111
The True Tale of William Tell............................. 268
The True Poet Loves Seclusion.............................. 234
Too Much God and No Flour.............................. 132
Virtue its own Reward .................................... 79
Why We Weep........ .................................. 270
Tempted by a Political Siren...................... FRONTISPIECE.
Shakespeare Nails His Poem on the Gate ................... 13
I say that on that day Tireny and Uzurpation got a Setback." 23
When Colorow is Captured, if the United States has no further
use for that Watch, I should be glad to have it returned." 33
Your wife will be much happier during her second marriage." 43
"The picture is so true to life that I instinctively stammered,
'Excuse me I'"..................................... 53
"He has a quiet way of catching my cow by the tail."......... 59
Soiled Charlie and Peek-a Boo Delegates of the Ute Nation..... 67
"Please excuse me for not speaking to you as you passed by.".. 85
Well, sir;" said the urbane Landlord, "I need the money 1" 95
"I held her back and assured her that I did not drink."........ 99
Duke," I said, "You cannot disguise it from me. You are suf-
fering from Social Ostracism, and it is breakingyou down." 107
He said he would give me four minutes."................... 117
I led the trusting phalanx down to the stock yards."......... 123
"He sighs for the boundless prairie."......................... 135
Anecdote of Spotted Tail............................ ........ 143
After Katooter on Yellow Fever.................. .......... 155
A Sad Funeral Procession.................. ............... 167
Our Great National Motto ................................ 183
Secret Way of Marking Clothes............................ 207
Fourth of July at the North Pole........................... 227
The First Blossom of the Spring ........................... 243
Complicated Scenic Effects .......................... ....... 253
The Agitated Hen ......................................... 279
CHESTNUTS OLD AND NEW.
THE SHAKESPEARE-BACON PUZZLE WRESTLED WITH
Why Bill favors the Claims of Bill Shakespeare His
Handwriting skillfully touched upon Its Likeness
to Horace Greeley's-Difference between Shakes-
peare and Bacon--A kind Lift for the Yeomanry.
Trusting that it will not in any way impair the sale
of Mr. Donnelly's book, I desire to offer here a few
words in favor of the theory that William Shakespeare
wrote his own works and thought his own thinks. The
time has fully arrived when we humorists ought to
stand by each other.
I do not undertake to stand up for the personal char-
acter of Shakespeare, but I say that he wrote good
pieces, and I don't care who knows it. It is doubtless
true that at the age of eighteen he married a woman
eight years his senior, and that children began to clus-
ter about their hearthstone in a way that would have
made a man in a NewYork flat commit suicide. Three
little children within fourteen months, including twins,
came to the humble home of the great Bard, and he
began to go out and climb upon the haymow to do 4is
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
writing. Sometimes he would stay away from home
for two or three weeks at a time, fearing that when he
entered the house some one would tell him that he was
again a parent.
Yet William Shakespeare knew all the time that he
was a great man, and that some day he would write
pieces to speak. He left Stratford at the age of
twenty-one and went to London, where he attracted
very little attention, for he belonged to the Yeomanry,
being a kind of dramatic Horace Greeley, both in the
matter of clothes and penmanship. Thus it would seem
that while Sir Francis Bacon was attending a business
college and getting himself familiar with the whole-
arm movement, so as to be able to write a free, cryp-
togamous hand, poor W. Shakespeare was slowly think-
ing the hair off his head, while ever and anon he would
bring out his writing materials and his bright ready
tongue, and write a sonnet on an empty stomach.
Prior to leaving Stratford he is said to have dabbled
in the poaching business in a humble way on the
estates of Sir Thomas Lucy, since deceased, and that he
wrote the following encomium or odelet in a free, run-
ning hand, and pinned it on the knight's gate:
O, deer Thomas Lucy,
Your venison 's juicy,
Juicy is your venison;
Hence I append my benison.
The rose is red; the violet's blue;
The keeper is a chump and so are you,
Which is why I remark and my language is plain,
High Low Jack
And the Game.
Let me now once more refer to the matter of the sig-
nature. Much has been said of Mr. Shakespeare's
BHAKBPEARE NAILS HIS POEM ON THE GATE.
OLD AND NEW.
coarse, irregular and vulgar penmanship, which, it is
claimed, shows the ignorance of its owner, and hence
his inability to write the immortal plays. Let us com-
pare the signature of Shakespeare with that of Mr.
Greeley, and we notice a wonderful similarity. There
is the same weird effort in both cases to out-cryptogam
Old Cryptogamous himself, and enshrine immortal
thought and heaven-born genius in a burglar-proof
panoply of worm fences, and a chirography that reminds
the careful student of the general direction taken in
returning to Round Knob, N. C., by a correspondent
who visited the home of a moonshiner, with a view
toward ascertaining the general tendency of home-
brewed whisky to fly to the head.
If we judge Shakespeare by his signature, not one of
us will be safe. Death will wipe out our fame with a
wet sponge. John Hancock in one hundred years from
now will be regarded as the author of the Declaration
of Independence, and Compendium Gaskell as the
author of the New York Tribune.
I have every reason to believe that while William
Shakespeare was going about the streets of London,
poor but brainy, erratic but smart, baldheaded but filled
with a nameless yearning to write a play with real water
and a topical song in it, Francis Bacon was practicing
on his signature, getting used to the full-arm movement,
spoiling sheet after sheet of paper, trying to make a
violet swan on a red woven wire mattress of shaded
loops without taking his pen off the paper, and running
the rebus column of a business college paper.
Poets are born, not made, and many of them are born
with odd and even disagreeable characteristics. Some
BILL NYE'5 CSZCESTNUTTS
men are born poets, while it is true that some acquire
poetry while others have poetry thrust upon them.
Poetry is like the faculty, if I may so denominate it, of
being able to voluntarily move the ears. It is a gift.
It cannot be taught to others.
So Shakespeare, with all his poor penmanship, with
his proneness to poach, with his poverty and his neg-
lect of his wife and his children, could write a play
wherein the leading man and the man who played the
bass drum in the orchestra did not claim to have made
the principal part.
Shakespeare did not want his plays published. He
wanted to keep them out of the press in order to pre.
vent their use at spelling schools in the hands of
unskilled artists, and so there was a long period of time
during which the papers could not get hold of them
During this time Francis Bacon was in public life.
He and Shakespeare had nothing in common. Both
were great men, but Bacon's sphere was different from
Shakespeare's. While Bacon was in the Senate, living
high and courting investigation, Shakespeare had to
stuff three large pillows into his pantaloons and play
Falstaff at a one-night stand.
Is it likely that Bacon, breathing the perfumed air
of the capitol and chucking the treasury girls under
the chin ever and anon, hungered for the false joys of
the under-paid and underscored dramatist? Scarcely!
That is one reason why I prefer to take the side of
Shakespeare rather than the side of Bacon.
Mr. Donnelly's book shows keen research, and pre-
serves the interest all the way through, for the reader
OLD AND NEW.
is impressed all along with the idea that there is a hen
on, if I may be permitted to coin a phrase; but so far
my sympathies and kind regards go with Shakespeare.
He was one of the Yeoman of Stratford, and his early
record was against him; but where do poets usually
come from? Do they first breathe in the immortal
sentiments which, in after years, enable their names to
defy the front teeth of oblivion while stopping at one
of our leading hotels? Did Burns soak his system
with the flavor and the fragrance of the Scotch heather
while riding on an elevated train ? Did any poet ever
succeed in getting up close to Nature's great North
American heart by studying her habits at a twenty-five
dollar german ? I trow not. Moreover, every one who
studies the history of our great poets and orators will
trow likewise. Lord Tennyson wrote better things
before he tried to divide his attention between writing
poetry and being a Lord. So I say that from our
yeomanry frequently spring the boys whose rare old
rural memories float in upon and chasten and refine
their after-lives even when fame comes, and fills them
full of themselves and swells their aching heads as they
swoop gayly across the country in a special car.
I do not go so far as some of the friends of Shake-
speare, and say that while he was a lovely character
and a great actor, that Bacon was a ham. I do not
say that, for Bacon had his good points.
The thing that has done more to injure Shakespeare
in the eyes of the historian than aught else, perhaps,
was his seeming neglect of his wife. But we should
consider both sides of the question before we pass
judgment. The Hathaways were queer people, and
BILL NYE5S CHESTNUTS
Anne was unusually so. Her father snubbed her in
his will just as her husband did, which shows that Mrs.
Shakespeare was not highly esteemed even by her
parents. The brief notice which Anne received in
these two wills means a good deal, for there is nothing
quite so thoroughly unanswerable as a probate snub.
Shakespeare in his own will gave to his wife his
second-best bed, and that was all. When we remem-
ber that it was a bed that sagged in the middle, and
that it operated by means of a bed-cord which had to
be tightened and tuned up twice a week, and that the
auger-holes in the bedstead seemed ever to mutely
appeal for more powder from Persia's great powder
magazine, we will be forced to admit that William did
not passionately love his wife.
I know that Shakespeare has been severely criticised
by the press for leaving his family at Stratford while
he himself lived in London, only visiting home occa-
sionally; but I am convinced that he found they could
live cheaper in that way. Help in the house was very
high at that time in London, and the intelligence offices
were doing a very large business without giving very
much intelligence. Friends of his told him that it was
not only impossible to get enough help in the homes of
London, but that there was hardly enough servants to
prevent a panic in the Employment Bureaus. Several
offices were in fact compelled to shut down for a hal
day at a time, one using the limited stock in the fore-
noon and the other in the afternoon.
Shakespeare was a perfect gentleman, having been
made so by the Herald's College, which invested his
father with coat armor. This coat armor made a gen-
OLD AND NZW.
tleman of the elder Shakespeare, and as William's
mother was already a gentleman under the code, Will-
iam became one also both on his father's and on his
mother's side. Of course all this is mere detail and is
dull and uninteresting; but I refer to it to show that
those who have read things in Shakespeare's works
that they did not like, and who, therefore, say that he
was no gentleman, do the great Bard an injustice.
I think I like Shakespeare's expurgated poems best,
and I often wish that he had confined himself entirely
to that kind. If I had a son who seemed to lean
toward poesy and felt like twanging his lyre now and
then, I would advise him to write expurgated poems
I do not say that Shakespeare was the author of his
own works, and it would not look well in me to set up
my opinion in opposition to that of scholars, experts
and savants who have had more advantages than I
have, for I would never take advantage of any one;
but I say tnat somehow the impression has crept into
the papers that he was a pretty good little play-writer,
and I am glad that Mr. Childs has had a testimonial
made and sent over to England that will show an
appreciation, at least, of his ability to keep before the
It will be noticed by the alert and keen-scented litt6r-
ateur that I have carefully avoided treading on the
tail of Mr. Donnelly's cipher. Being rather a poor
mathematician anyway, I will not introduce the cipher
at this time, but I will say that although the whole
thing happened about three hundred years ago, and has
now nearly passed out of my mind, to the best of my
BILL NYE'8 CHESTNUTS
recollection Shakespeare, though he was the son of a
buckwheater, and though he married his wife with a
poetic license, and though he left his family at Strat-
ford rather than take them to live in a London flat,
wrote the most of his plays with the assistance of an
expurgator who was out of the city most all of the
I cannot show Shakespeare's ready wit better at this
time than by telling of his first appearance on the stago
as I remember it. He came quietly before the foot-
lights with a roll of carpet under one arm and a tack
hammer under the other, In those days it was custom
ary to nail down stage carpets, and while doing so
"Shake," as we all called him then, knocked the nail
off his left thumb, whereupon he received an ovation
from the audience. Some men would have been rattled
and would have "called up," as we say, but Shake.
speare was always ready to please his friends or
respond to an encore; so putting his right thumb up
against a large painted rock in a mountain scene, he
obliged by knocking off the other thumb-nail
Shakespeare wrote the poem called "Venus and
Adonis," during the absence of his expurgator, and sent
it to the editor of the Stratford Appeal, who dead-
headed the paper to him for a year and told him that
he wished he would write up any other gossip that
might come to his knowledge in that part of the coun-
try, especially if it promised to be spicy.
Shakespeare was one of the few Englishmen who
never visited this country for two weeks, for the pur-
pose of writing an eight-pound book on his impressions
HOW THE GLORIOUS FOURTH WAS CELEBRATED AT
WHALEN'S GROVE LAST YEAR.
An Oration by a Self-Made Man which had Bones in
it- Suggestions of Deep Interest to Taxpayers-
Freedom as it Suggests Itself to a Hickory Township
Man-- Our Duties to a Common Country.
There were patriotic remarks and greased-pig exer-
cises at Whalen's Grove last year on the Fourth, all of
which, according to the Sandy Mush Record-Statesman,
passed off with marked success. From the opening
prayer to the base-ball contest and greased-pole doings,
everything was harmonious, and the receipts were satis-
factory. Col. L. Forsyth Heeley acted as marshal of
the day, wearing a maroon sash, and mounted on his
well-known horse, Mambrino King. A serious accident
in the early morning was happily averted by Col. Hee-
ley's coolness and self-possession. A lady from Lower
Hominy, whose name could not be ascertained, while
actively engaged in listening to the band, and holding
her young child so that it could get a good view of the
sun, became entangled in her train, which had worked
around in front, and while recovering herself Col. L.
Forsyth Heeley came down the street in advance of
the fire laddies. The horse was rearing high in the
lir, and going sideways with a squeaking sound, which
seemed to be caused by the friction between his second
and third stomach. His mouth was wide open, and his
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
fiery-red gums could be seen as far as the eye could
reach. Almost every one thought there would be a
holocaust; but at that trying instant, as if by magic,
Col. Heeley decided to go down the other street.
Our fire laddies made a fine appearance, in their new,
hot uniforms, and were not full during the parade, as
was stated by the Hickory township World.
Everybody seemed to feel an interest in patriotism,
with the exception of an old party from a distance,
who opened the exercises by cutting a large water-
melon and distributing it with a lavish hand among
himself. Hie then went to sleep in the corner of a
fence, where he would have been greatly pestered by
flies if he had found out about it in time.
After a pleasant and courteous prayer by Rev. Mr.
Meeks, in which he laid before the Lord a national
policy which he felt certain would make a great hit,
our Glee Club sang
Oh, say can you see, etc.
Judge Larraby read the Declaration of Independence
in a rich dark red voice, and a self-made man from
Hickory township delivered the following impromptu
address, the manuscript of which he kindly furnished
to the Record-Statesman:
FELLOW CITIZENS: This is the anniversary of the
day when freedom towards all and malice towards none
first got a foothold in this country. And we are now
to celebrate that day. I say that on that day Tireny
and uzurpation got a set-back that they will never
recover from. We then paved the way for the poor,
oppressed foreigner, so that he could come to our
shores and -take liberties with our form of government.
"Y THAT ON THAT PAY TIRENT AiND UZURPATION GOT A
-I TBAM 11
OLD AND NEW.
To be a foreigner here in America to-day is one of the
sweetest boons. If I could be just what I would like
to be, I would be an oppressed foreigner, landing on
our shores, free from the taxation and responsibility of
government, with no social demands made on me, with
nothing in my possession but a hearty Godspeed from
both political parties, and a strong yearning for free-
dom. Oh, why was I not born an alien, that both par-
ties wouldn't dast to reproach; an alien that can come
here and find a government already established, with
no flies on to it; a government of the people, by the
people and for the people? (Fire-crackers and applause.)
"On the day that Button Gwinnett put his name to
the statement that all men was created more or less
equal, the spot on which we now stand was a howling
wilderness. Where yonder lemonade-stand now stands
and realizes a clean profit of forty-seven dollars and
thirty-five cents on an investment of six dollars and
fifty cents, the rank thistle nodded in the wynd, and the
wild fox dag his hole unscared. If you do not believe
this I refer you to the principal of our public school,
who is to-day assisting in the band, and who is now in
the act of up-ending his alto horn to pour out about a
teacupful of liquid melody that he had left over from
the last tune.
"And why is this? Why are we to-day a free people,
with a surplus in the treasury that nobody can get at ?
(Loud applause and squeal from a grass-fed horse tied
to a tree who is being kicked by a red two-year-old,
owned by the Pathmaster of Road District No. 3.)
"Why are our resources so great that they almost
equal our liabilities ? Why is everything done to make
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
it pleasant for the rich man and every inducement held
out for the poor man to accumulate more and more
poverty? Why is it that so much is said about the
tariff by men who do not support their families ? Why
is it that when we vote for a president of the United
States, we have to take our choice between a statesman-
like candidate with great ability and proclivities for
grand larceny whyis it that we are given our choice
between this kind of a man and what Virgil refers to
in his Childe Harold' as a chump ? (Cheers and cries
of That's so' from a man who is riveted to the spot
by means of a new pitch-plank on which he is sitting
and which will not permit him to move out of the sun.)
"One hundred years ago the tastes of our people
were simple. Now it takes so much simplicity to keep
Congress going that the people don't get a chance at
it. A century ago common, home-made rum was the
only relaxation known to a plain but abstemious people.
Now it takes a man with a mighty good memory to
recall the names of some of the things he has drunk
when his wife askshim about it on the following morning.
I claim to have a good memory of names and things gen-
erally, but if you want to get me mixed up and have
fun with me, you can do it that way.
But, fellow-citizens, how can we best preserve the
blessing of freedom and fork it over unimpaired to our
children? How can we enchance the blood-bought
right, which is inherent in every human being, of the
people, for the people and by the people, where tyrant
foot hath never trod nor bigot forged a chain, for to
look back from our country's glorious natal day or for-
ward to a glorious, a happy and a prosperous future with
OLD AND NEW.
regard to purity of the ballot and free speech. I say
for one we cannot do otherwise. (Prolonged applause.)
I would rather have my right hand cleave to the
roof of my mouth than to utter a sentiment that I
wouldregret; but I say that as a people, as a nation or
as an inalienable right which no man can gainsay or
successfully controvert, not for pohtical purposes, and
yet I am often led to inquire whither are we drifting,
not only as a people and as a nation, but as a country
and as a joint school district, No. 6, where we now stand,
and when we are paying a school teacher this summer
twenty-two dollars a month to teach the children, little
prattling children, during the hot summer weather, how
many feet of intestines there are in the human body
and what is best to do for it ? Last winter we paid
thirty-four dollars per month to a man who opened the
school with prayer and then made a picture of the
digestive organs on the blackboard. And still we won-
der that politics is corrupt.
I tell you that the seeds of vice and wickedness is
often sowed at school in the minds of the young by
teachers who are paid a large salary to do far different.
What do you think of a man who would open a
school with prayer and then converse freely about the
alimentary canal? Such a man would lead a life of
the deepest infamy if he had the least encouragement.
"So I say, fellow-citizens, that we must guard against
the influences of the public schools as a nation, for the
people, of the people, and by the people. Education is
often a blessing in disguise, but we should not pry into
things that the finite mind has no business with. How
em-vh was Galileo ahead in the long run for going out
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
of his sphere? He was boycotted from morning till
night and died poor. Look at Demosthenes. Look at
Diogenes. They pried into science, and both of them
was poor providers and have since died. Of course
their names are frequently used in debating schools,
and some claim that this is big pay for what they went
through; but I say give me a high-stepping horse, the
bright smile of dear ones who are not related to me in
any way, the approval of the admiring throng, a large
woolly dog that will do as I tell him, a modest little
home and unlimited credit at the store, and I do not
care how much B. will have to use off from the diame-
ter of a given grindstone, for which he paid an undi-
I know that this is regarded as a queer doctrine by
what is called our more Advanced Thinkers, but I say
let every man who pants for fame select his own style
of pant and go ahead. I bid him a most hearty god-
speed and hope he will do well.
But what makes me mad is for a man to come to
me and dictate what I shall pant for. This is called
intolerance by people who can afford to use words of
that size. Intolerance is a thing that makes me tired.
Whether it's religious, political or social intolerance, I
dislike it very much. People that thirik I will enjoy
voting for a yaller dog that had been picked out for
me, or that I will be tickled to death to indorse the
religious dogmas of an effete monicky with my eyes
shet, don't know me. I say, let every man rely solely
on his own thinker, and damned be he who first cries
hold, enough! I am not a profane man, but I quote
from a poem in using the above quotation.
ODD AND NEW.
"But again. In closing, let me say that we owe it
to our common country to be peaceable citizens and
pay our taxes without murmuring. The time to get in
our fine work is on the valuation, and it is too late to
kick after that. Let us cultivate a spirit of lofty
patriotism, but believe nothing just to oblige others. I
used to be a great believer in anything that was sub
mitted for my approval. That was what kept me back.
Now, if a man like Jay Gould says he is not feeling so
well as he did, I make him show me his tongue.
"We are here to-day to celebrate the birthday of
American freedom, as I understand it, and I am here
to say that whatever may be said against our refine-
ment and our pork, our style of freedom is sought for
everywhere. It is a freedom that will stand any climate
and I hear it very highly spoken of wherever I go.
I am here to state that, as boy and man, I have
been a constant user of American freedom for over
fifty years, and I can truly say that I teel no desire to
turn back; also that there will be a grand, free-for-all
scuffle for a greased pig on the vacant lot south of the
church at seven o'clock, after which fireworks will be
served to those who desire to remain."
And thus did the Fourth of July pass with all its
glories in Whalen's Grove in the year of our indepen-
dence the 110th.
ENCOURAGING GREEN JOKES.
I want to encourage green jokes, that have never
trotted in harness before, and, besides, I must insist on
using my scanty fund of laugh on jokes of the nine-
teenth century. I have got to draw the line some-
BILL NYE FINDS COLOROW FULL OF ODD TRAITS.
A Copper-complexioned Gentleman of Few Words -
A Generous Ofer of Two Sleeps" that was Promptly
Accepted--A Speech from Colorow that Proved
Fatal to His Hapless Stenographer.
The recent ruction on the part of William H.
Colorow, Duke of Rawhide Buttes and heir presump-
tive to the throne of Yellow Jacket Park, brings the
Indian once more to our notice and teaches us that
eternal vigilance is the price of government land on
Sig. Colorow is of Indian parentage and his lineage,
such as it is, is very long. His ancestors run back as far
as the earliest dawn of the Christian era. They claimed
the land extending in a southerly direction from the
North Pole, and seemed to ignore the fact that it had
been sold for taxes. The Indian has always been in
favor of representation without taxation, and Colorow
has believed in a community of grub, allowing the
white man to retain a controlling interest in common,
wet-browed toil. He has always been willing to divide
his bread with the pale-face. He has offered, time and
again, to give the white man the bread that was
sweetened with honest sweat, while he took his plain.
He says that to prefer bread that tastes of perspiration
shows a depraved taste.
OLD AND NEW
Coiorow has for years been a terror to the people
of northwestern Colorado, eastern Utah and southern
Wyoming. Every spring it used to be his'custom to
stroll into North Park and prospect for prospectors.
Once he came to call on me. He had been there longer
than I had and so, of course, it was nothing more than
etiquette that he should call on me.
He seemed to enjoy his call very much. I could not
think of anything to say, though generally I am of a
bright and happy disposition. After I had asked him
how his mother was, I could not think of anything
else to interest him. Finally I thought of Capt. John
Smith and how he amused a hostile band by showing
them his compass and new suspenders. I had no com-
pass, but I had a new watch which I carried in a buck-
skin watch-pocket, and I thought I would show him
the sweep-second and fly-back and let him see the wheels
When Colorow is captured, if the United States of
America has no use for that watch, I would be glad to
have it returned to me at No. 32, Park Row, New
Colorow is a man of few words. I will never for.
get what he said to me when he went away. He held
up two fingers and said in a voice that did not seem to
"Meboe so, two sleeps more, you get out."
I sometimes think that when a man says very little
we are more apt to take an interest in what he says.
It was so in his case. I got to thinking over his
remark after he had gone and I decided to accept of his
BILL NYE S CHESTNUTS
He had given me two sleeps; but I do not require
much sleep anyway, and when I got to thinking about
Colorow and his restless manner while he was my
guest I could not sleep so well as I had formerly, and so
I have been doing the most of my sleeping since that in
a more thickly settled country. I remember I was so
restless that last night that I walked feverishly about.
I walked feverishly about twenty-five miles, I judge,
in a northerly direction.
I left a small but growing mine there at that time
in charge of the Utes, and I hope they used it judi-
The Ute nation is divided into two sections viz.,
the Southern Utes, who have been pretty generally
friendly, and the Northern or White River Utes, who
break out into fits of emotional insanity whenever their
ponies got their bellies full of grass.
My policy one which, I regret to say, has never
been adopted by the government is to hire a suffi-
cient number of armed herders to take the entire grand
remnant sale of Indian tribes out on the plains and
watch them all summer, rounding them up and count-
ing them every morning and evening to see that they
are all there. Through the day they might be kept
busy pulling up the pizen-weed which grows all over
the grazing grounds of the West, and thus they would
get plenty of fresh air and at the same time do good
in a modest way. But this scheme for "Utelizing"
the Utes is a hundred years ahead of the age, and so I
do not expect that it will meet with the endorsement
of a sluggish administration.
There are, however, two sides to the Indian question,
OLD AND NEW.
viz., a right and a wrong side. That is why the Indian
question wears so well.
One of the great wrongs incident to the matter is
the great delay in officially reaching the War Depart-
ment in such a way as to attract the eye of the speaker.
By the time a courier can get in to a telegraph station
and wire the governor of a state, who notifies the
Adjutant-General to write a dictated letter with his
trenchent typewriter, apprising the commander of the
department, who is at Coney Island or Carlsbad, with
no typewriter nearer than fifteen miles, who wires the
governor to make active inquiries about the matter,
and by the time the governor has sent a committee,
who go to within fifty miles of the scene of hostilities,
and return at the end of six weeks to report that they
do not know whether there has been an outbreak or
not, and then when a ranchman is really killed, and
reputable eye-witnesses, who were personally ac-
quainted with deceased, and will swear that they have
no interest in the result of the outbreak, come in and
make a written and grammatical request for troops,
and the War Department gets thoroughly rested, the
Indians have gone home, washed the gore off their
hands, and resumed their quiet humdrum life. Like
trying to treat a man in Liverpool for softening of the
brain by applying the mind cure per cable from New
York, the remedy is too remote from the disease.
Indians are quick and impulsive in the matter of
homicide. They are slow to grapple with anything of
a humorous nature, and all the humorous lecturers who
have been on the Ute lecture course have lost money,
but in the holocaust line, or general arson, torture and
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
massacre business, they act with astonishing rapidity.
As a race, they regard this entire land as their own,
just as the mosquitoes claim New Jersey, simply because
they were there first.
The Indians see that the property is improving, and
do they feel more and more wealthy and arrogant.
They claim that they will never give up their rights
unless they get hard up, and even then it will not
count. They always have a mental reservation in
these matters, which they prefer to the reservation pro-
vided by the government.
Indians naturally dislike to see these lands in the
possession of wealthy men whose sons earn a precarious
livelihood by playing lawn tennis.
Colorow once made a short speech to his troops,
which was taken down at the time by a gentleman who
was present and who was collecting material for a new
third reader for our common schools.
Colorow claimed that it was incorrect, and the notes
were found afterward on the stenographer's body. It
is about as ticklish business to report an Indian speech
as it is to poultice a boil on the person of the Ameer
In closing Colorow said: "Warriors, our sun is set.
We are most of us out on third base, and we have no
influence with the umpire.
"Once I could stand on the high ground and one
shout would fill the forest with warriors. Now the
wailing wind catches up my cry and bears it away like
the echo of our former greatness, and I hear a low
voice murmur, Rats.'
Whisky and refinement have filled our land with
OLD AND NEW.
sorrow. The white man crossed the dark waters in his
large canoe and filled the forest with churches and
"The Indian loves not to make money and own
aldermen for which he has no use. He loves his wives
and his children and intrusts them with the responsi-
bility of doing all his work. The white man comes to
us with honeyed words and says if we will divide our
lands with him he will give us a present; and when we
give him a county and a half he gives us a red collar-
button and a blue book, in which he has written in his
strange and silent language, 'When this you see, remem-
ber me.' Our warriors are weak and have the hearts
of women. They care not for the war-path or the
chase. Most of them want tc go on the stage. Once
my warriors went with me at a moment's warning to
clean out the foe. They slept in the swamps with the
rattlesnakes at night and fought like wolves in the
daytime. Now my warriors will not go on the war-
path without a valise, and some of them want to carry
"Some day, like the fall of a mighty oak in the for-
est, Colorow will fall to the earth and he will rise no
more. You will be scattered to the four winds of
heaven, and you will go no more to battle. Some of
you will starve to death, while others will go to New
York and wear a long linen duster, with the price of
cut-rate tickets down the back. Some of you will die
with snakes in your moccasins, and others will go to
Jerusalem to help rob the Deadwood coach.
"Warriors, I thank you for your kind attention and
appreciation. The regular outbreak will begin to-mor-
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
row evening at early candle-light. The massacre will
open with a song and dance."
Colorow dresses plainly in a coat of paint and a
AWKWARDNESS OF CARRYING WHISKY ABOUT.
Whisky is more bulky and annoying to carry about
in the coat-tail pocket than a plug of tobacco; but
there have been cases where it was successfully done.
I was shown yesterday a little corner that would hold
six or eight bushels. It was in the wash-room of a
hotel, and was about half full. So were the men who
came there, for before night the entire place was filled
with empty whisky bottles of every size, shape and
THE RIGHT SORT OF BOY.
I am always sorry to see a youth get irritated and
pack up his clothes in the heat of debate, and leave the
home nest. His future is a little doubtful, and it is
hard to prognosticate whether he will fracture lime-
stone for the streets of a great city, or become Presi-
dent of the United States; but there is a beautiful and
luminous life ahead of him in comparison with that of
the boy who obstinately refuses to leave the home
nest. The boy who cannot summon the moral courage
some day to uncoil the tendrils of his heart from the
clustering idols of the household, to grapple with out-
rageous fortune, ought to be taken by the ear and led
away out into the great untried realm of space.
BILL NYE PAYS A BRIEF VISIT TO A PROFESSIONAL
How His Past Was Raked Up and His Future Pre-
dicted-Interesting Information for One Dollar-He
is Warned to Beware of Certain Bad Men-A Deli-
cate Point of Etiquette-Are Astrologists Deterior-
"Ring the bell and the door will open," is the re-
mark made by a small label over a bell handle in Third
avenue, near Eighteenth street, where Mme. La Foy
reads the past, present and future at so much per read.
Love, marriage, divorce, business, speculation and sick-
ness are there handled with the utmost impunity by
" Mme. La Foy, the famous scientific astrologist," who
has monkeyed with the planets for twenty years, and
if she wanted any information has read it in the stars."
I rang the bell the other day to see if the door would
open. It did so after considerable delay, and a pimply
boy in knee pants showed me upstairs into the waiting
room. After a while I was removed to the consultation
room, where Mme. La Foy, seated behind a small oil-
cloth-covered table, rakes up old personalities and
pries into the future at cut rates.
Skirmishing about among the planets for twenty
years involves a great deal of fatigue and exposure,
to say nothing of the night work, and so Mme. La Foy
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
has the air of one who has put in a very busy life. She
is as familiar with planets, though, as you or I
might be with our own family, and calls them by their
first names. She would know Jupiter, Venus, Saturn,
Adonis or any of the other fixed stars the darkest night
that ever blew.
Mme. La Foy De Graw," said I, bowing with the
easy grace of a gentleman of the old school, would
you mind peering into the future for me about a half
dollar's worth, not necessarily for publication, et cet-
"Certainly not. What would you like to know ?"
"Why, I want to know all I can forthe money,"
I said, in a bantering tone. "Of course I do not
wish to know what I already know. It is what I do
not know now that I desire to know. Tell me what I do
not know, Madam. I will detain you but a moment."
She gave me back my large, round half dollar and
told me that she was already weary. She asked me to
excuse her. She was willing to unveil the future to me
in her poor, weak way, but she could not guarantee to
let a large flood of light into the darkened basement of
a benighted mind for half a dollar.
"You can tell me what year and on what day of
what month you were born," said Mme. La Foy, "and
I will outline your life to you. I generally require a
lock of the hair, but in your case we will dispense with
I told her when I was born and the circumstances, as
well as I could recall them.
"This brings you under Venus, Mercury and Mars.
These three planets were in conjunction at the time of
OLD AND NEW.
your birth. You were born when the sign was wrong,
and you have had more or less trouble ever since.
Had you been born when the sign was in the head or
the heart, instead of the feet, you would not have
spread out over the ground so much.
"Your health is very good, as is the health of those
generally who are born under the same auspices that
you were. People who are born under the reign of the
crab are apt to be cancerous. You, however, have
great lung power and wonderful gastric possibilities.
Yet, at times, you would be very easily upset. A strong
cyclone that would unroof a courthouse or tip over a
through train would also upset you, in spite of your
broad firm feet, if the wind got behind one of your
"You will be married early and you will be very
happy, though your wife will not enjoy herself very
much. Your wife will be much happier during her
You will prosper better in business matters without
forming any partnerships. Do not go into partnership
with a small, dark man, who has neuralgia and a fine
yacht. He has abundant means, but he will go through
you like an electric shock.
"Tuesdays and Saturdays will be your most fortu-
nate days on which to borrow money of men with
light hair. Monday and Thursdays will be your best
days for approaching dark men.
"Look out for a low-sot man accompanied by an
office cat, both of whom are engaged in the newspaper
business. He is crafty and bald-headed on his father's
side. He prints the only paper that contains the full
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
text of his speeches at testimonials and dinners given
to other people. Do not loan him money on any ac-
You would succeed well as a musician or an invent-
or, but you would not do well as a poet. You have all
the keen sensibility and strong passion of a poet, but
you haven't the hair. Do not try poesy.
"In the future I see you very prosperous You are
on the lecture platform speaking. Large crowds of
people are jostling each other at the box-office and try-
ing to get their money back.
"Then I see you riding behind a flexible horse that
must have cost a large sum of money. You are smok-
ing a cigar that has never been in use before. Then
Venus bisects the orbit of Mars, and I see you going
home with your head tied up in the lap-robe, you and
your spirited horse in the same ambulance."
"But do you see anything for me in the future, Mme.
La Foy ?" I asked, taking my feet off the table, the better
to watch her features ; "anything that would seem to in-
dicate political preferment, a reward for past services
to my country, as it were ?"
"No, not clearly. But wait a moment. Your horo-
scope begins to get a little more intelligent. I see you
at the door of the Senate Chamber. You are counting
over your money and looking sadly at a schedule of
prices. Then you turn sorrowfully away, and decide to
buy a seat in the House instead. Many years after I
see you in the Senate. You are there day after day
attending to your duties. You are there early, before
any one else, and I see you pacing back and forth, up
and down the aisles, sweeping out the Senate Chamber
wIFE WILL ", mCH lA??IA ply U
OLD AND NEW.
and dusting off the seats and rejuvenating the cuspi-
"Does this horoscope which you are using this sea.
son give you any idea as to whether money matters
will be scarce with me next week or otherwise, and if
so, what I had better do about it ?"
"Towards the last of the week you will experience
considerable monetary prostration; but just as you have
become despondent, at the very tail end of the week,
the horizon will clear up and a slight, dark gentleman,
with wide trousers, who is a total stranger to you, will
loan you quite a sum of money, with the understand-
ing that it is to be repaid on Monday."
"Then you would not advise me to go to Coney Isl-
and until the week after next 2"
"Would it be etiquette in dancing a quadrille to
swing a young person of the opposite sex twice round
at a select party when you are but slightly acquainted,
but feel quite confident that her partner is unarmed?"
"Does your horoscope tell a person what to do with
raspberry jelly that will not jell?"
No, not at the present prices."
"So you predict an early marriage, with threatening
weather and strong prevailing easterly winds along the
Gulf States ?"
And is there no way that this early marriage may
be evaded ?"
No, not unless you put it off till later m life."
"Thank you," I said, rising and looking out the
DILL NYE'S OHEsTNXW
window, over a broad sweep of undulating alley and
wind-swept roofing; and now, how much are you out
on this ?"
"What's the damage I"
"I Oh, one dollar."
i'But don't you advertise to read the past, present
and future for fifty cents ?"
"Well, that is where a person has had other infor-
mation before in his life and has some knowledge to
begin with; but where I fill up a vacant mind entirely,
and store it with facts of all kinds, and stock it up so
that it can do business for itself, I charge a dollar. I
cannot thoroughly refit and refurnish a mental tenement
from the ground up for fifty cents."
I do not think we have as good "Astrologists" now
as we used to have. Astrologists cannot crawl under
the tent and pry into the future as they could three or
four thousand years ago.
INGRATITUDE OF THE HUMAN HEART.
When I was a child I was different from other boys
m many respects. I was always looking about to see
what good I could do. I am that way yet. If my little
brother wanted to go in swimming contrary to orders,.
I was not strong enough to prevent him, but I would
go in with him and save him from a watery grave. I
went in the water thousands of times that way, and as
a result he is alive to-day. But he is ungrateful. He
hardly ever mentions it now, but he remembers the
Gordian knots that I tied in his shirts. He speaks of
CONCERNING THE FRENCH MASTERPIECES AT THE
ACADEMY OF DESIGN.
A Connoisseur with Original Ideas Who Grasps at
Once the Spirit of the Canvas and discovers Various
Latent Beauties Unknown Even to the Artist Him.
self- Diana Surprised, and Attired in an Atmos-
phere that Defies Fashion's Edict.
Taking The World artist with me in order to know
fully what I was talking about, I visited the Academy
of Design a day or two ago for the purpose of witness-
ing some of the pictures from Paris which are "iow on
exhibition there. Many of these pictures are large and
beautiful, while others are small and ornery. At the
head of the stairs is a smallish picture, with a good,
heavy frame and greenish foreground. It is not on the
catalogue, so I will try to describe it briefly. About
half way between the foreground and middle distance
there is a cream-colored perspective, while above this
there is a rag-carpet sky, with lumps on it.
"And is there no way of removing these large lumps
of paint, so as to give the picture an even appearance ?"
I asked Mr. McDougall.
Oh, no; they don't want to do that," he said; that
is the impasto method of putting on the colors, which
brings out the salient features of the painting."
So this imposture method, it seems, is really gaining
BILL NYE S CHESTNUTS
ground, and this picture, with the soldier-overcoat sky
and green chenille grass and gargetty distance, would
no doubt be worth in Paris thirteen or fourteen dollars.
No. 84 is a picture by Charles Durand, entitled "A
Country Woman in Champagne." I was bitterly dis-
appointed in this picture, for though the woman seems
to be in good spirits the artist has utterly failed to
grapple ully with his subject, and without the cata-
logue in his hand I would defy the most brilliant con,
noisseur to say definitely whether or not she is under
the influence of liquor.
We next walk arouna to No. 168, a picture bir
M. Pissaro has ten pictures in the Academy, but this
one is the best. It is made by the squirt system of
painting, graining and kalsomining, which is now be-
coming so a la mode and rouge et noir. The artist tells
me that the colors are carefully arranged in a tin pail
and applied to the canvas by means of a squirt gun of
Rembrandt stomach pump. This gives the painting a
beautiful yet dappled appearance, which could not be
obtained with a brush.
This picture is worth three dollars of any man's money
for the frame is worth two dollars, and there is at least a
dollar's worth of paint on the picture that is just as good
as ever. The artist has handled the feet in a masterly
manner, bringing them out so that they hang over the
frame like a thing of life. If I could paint feet as M. Pis-
saro does I would not spend my life striping buggies in a
close room among coarse men with putty on their panta-
loons, but I would burst forth from my humble sur-
roundings, and I would attract the attention of the
OLD AND NEW.
whole great world of art with my massive and heroic
feet. Then from this I would gradually get so that I
could make pictures that would resemble people. There
is no reason why M. Pissaro should not do well in that
way, for he has painted No. 171, "A woman at a Well,"
in which the most unkempt and uncultivated peasant
can at once distinguish which is the woman and which
is the well. He is also the author of Spring," a squirt
study with a blue rash, which has broken out where the
sky ought to be.
No. 136 is the Execution of Maximilian," by Edouard
Manet, a foreign artist. The scene is laid at the base
of an old Mexican slaughter-house. In the foreground
may be seen the rear of the Mexican army with its
wealth of tournure and cute little gored panties. All
Mexican troops have their trousers gored at the hips.
Sometimes they also have them gored at the bull-fights
which take place there. In the contiguous distance
Maximilian maybe seen, wearing the hat which has
evidently infuriated the Mexican populace. The artist
says that Maximilian objects to being shot, but I pre-
tend not to hear him, and he repeats the remark, so I
have to say Very good, very good," and then we pass
on to No. 60, which is entitled Dreams," by Previs de
In this picture a weary man, who has worn himself
out sleeping in haystacks and trying to solve the labor
problem, so that the great curse of industry may be
wiped out and the wealthy man made to pay the taxes
while the poor man assists in sharing the burden of
dividends, is lying on the ground with a pleasant smile
on his face. He is asleep, with his mouth slightly ajar,
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
showing how his teeth are fastened in their places. He
is smiling in his slumber, and there is hay in his whisk-
ers. Three decalcomanie angels are seen fastened to
the sky in the form of a tableau. One is scattering
cookies in his pathway, while the second has a laurel
wreath which is offered at a great reduction, as the
owner is about to leave the city for the summer. These
are the new style of wingless angels recently intro-
duced into art and now becoming very popular.
M. Chavannes is also the mechanic who constructed
a picture numbered 61 and called the Poor Fisherman."
The history of this little picture is full of pathos. The.
scene is laid in Newark Bay, N. J. A poor fisherman
and his children go out to spend the day, taking their
lunch with them.
papa, let us take two or three cucumbers with
our lunch," says one of the children, in glee.
"Very well, my child," exclaims the father, with ill-
concealed delight. Go down to the market and get
one for each of us."
The artist has chosen to make his study of the fisher-
man a short time after lunch. The father is engaged
in regretting something which it is now too late to re-
call. Cholera infantum has overtaken the younger
child and the other is gathering lobelia for her father.
The picture is wonderful in its conception ana execu-
tion. One can see that he is a poor fisherman, for he
has not caught any fish, and the great agony he feels
is depicted in his face and the altitude of his hair. The
picture might have been called a battle piece or a
French interior, with equal propriety.
Manet has several bright and cheery bits of color,
OLD AND NEW.
among them No. 147, "Spring at Giverny," which
might be called Fourth of July in a Roman candle
factory without misleading the thoughtful art-student.
No. 156, "Meadows at Giverny," by the same man,
is a study in connecting the foreground and back.
ground of an oil painting by means of purple hay and
dark-blue bunches of boneset in such a way as to
deceive the eye.
I have always bitterly regretted that while I was
abroad I did not go to Giverny and see the purple hay
and navy-blue tansy and water-cress which grow there
in such great abundance. How often we go hurrying
through a country, seeing the old and well-worn
features shown us by the professional guides and
tourists, forgetting or overlooking more important
matters, like a scene in France, No. 142, entitled
"Women Bathing." I presume I was within three-
quarters of a mile of this view and yet came home
without knowing- anything about it.
No. 123, "Diana Surprised," is no doubt the best
picture in the whole collection. The tall and beautiful
figure of Diana in the middle distance in the act of
being surprised, is well calculated to appeal to any one
with a tender heart or a few extra clothes. Diana has
just been in swimming with her entire corps de bal-
let, and on coming out of the water is surprised to
find that someone has stolen her clothes. The artist
has very happily caught the attitude and expression at
the moment when she is about to offer a reward
for them. The picture is so true to life that I instinct-
ively stammered "Excuse me," and got behind the
artist who was with me. The figures are life size and
BILL NYE'I S CHESTNUTS.
the attitudes are easy and graceful in the extreme.
One very beautiful young woman in the middle fore-
ground, about seven and one-half inches north of the
frame of the picture, with her back to the spectator,
crouches at Diana's feet. She has done her beautiful
and abundant hair up in a graceful coil at the back of
her head, but has gone no further with her toilet
when the surprise takes place. The idea is lofty and the
treatment beneficial. I do not know that I am using
these terms as I should, but I am doing the best I can.
We often hear our friends regret that their portraits,
dressed in clothing that has long since become obsolete,
are still in existence, and though the features are cor-
rectly reproduced, the costume is now so ridiculous as
to impair the de trop of the picture and mar its aplomb.
Jules Lefebvre has overcome this great obstacle in a
marvelous manner, and gives us Diana and her entire
staff surrounded by an atmosphere that time cannot
cloud with contumely or obscure with ridicule. Had
the artist seen fit to paint Diana wearing a Garibaldi
waist and very full skirt with large hoops, and her
hair wrapped around two or three large "rats," he
might have been true to the customs and costumes of
a certain period in the history of art, but it would not
have stood the test of time. As it is he has wisely
chosen to throw about her a certain air of hauteur
which will look just as well in a hundred years as it
The picture has a massive frame and would brighten
up one end of a dining-room very much. I was deeply
mortified and disappointed to learn that it was not for
sale. Action is the party who surprised Diana.
,I.; -I I
-~ ~ 1 I
BILL NYE DIAGNOSTICATES THE PLAINT OF A
Nice Points of Seasonable Etiquette-City Relatives
Whose Friendship Grows Warm with the Summer,
but Who Regard a Chalk Meerschaum Pipe at Christ-
mas as an Ofsetfor a Season's Board.
I hold that I violate no particular amount of confi-
4.ence when I lay the following private letter before the
STATE OF MAINE, JUNE 20, 1887.
Jfr. William Nye, World Ofice, New York.
SIm: I have been a reader of The World for some
time and have frequently noticed the alacrity with
which you have come forward and explained things
through its columns. You must be indeed a kind-
hearted man, or you would not try to throw light on
things just to oblige other people, when you do not,
as a matter of fact, know what you are talking about.
Few men would so far forget their own comfort as to
do this in order to please others. Most men are selfish
and hang back when asked a difficult question, prefer-
ring to wait till they know how to answer it; but you,
sir, you seem to be so free always to come forward and
explain things, and yet are so buoyant and hopeful
that you will escape the authorities, that I have ven-
Sured to write you in regard to a matter that I feel
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
somewhat of an interest in. It is now getting along
into the shank of the summer and people from the
great cities of our land are beginning to care less
and less for the allurements of sewer gas, and to sigh
for a home in the country and to hanker for the spare
room" in a quiet neighborhood at $2 a week with board.
I have seen a great many rules of etiquette for the
guidance of country people who go to the city, but I
have never run up against a large, blue-book telling
city people how to conduct themselves as to avoid ad-
verse criticism while in the country. Every little while
some person writes a piece regarding the queer pranks of
a countryman in town and acts it out on the stage and
makes a whole pile of money on it, but we do not seem
to get the other side of this matter at all. What I de-
sire is that you will give us a few hints in regard to the
conduct of city people who visit in the rural districts
during the heated term. I am not a professional summer-
resort tender or anything of that kind, but Iam a plain
man, that works and slaves in the lumber woods all
winter and then blows it in, if you will allow the
term, on some New York friends of my wife's who
come down, as they state, for the purpose of relaxa-
tion, but really to spread themselves out over our new
white coverlids with their clothes on, and murmur in
a dreamy voice: Oh, how restful !"
They also kick because we have no elevated trains
that will take them down to the depot, whereas I am
not able and cannot get enough ahead or forehanded
sufficiently to do so, as heaven is my judge.
They bring with them a small son, who is a pale,
emaciated little cuss, with a quiet way of catching my
OLD AND NEW.
Ihree-year-old heifer by the tail and scaring the life out
of her that is far beyond his years. His mother thinks
he will not live, mayhap, to grow up, and I hope she
may not be disappointed. Still he has a good appetite,
and one day last summer, besides his meals, he ate:
One pocketful green apples (pippins),
One pocketful green apples (Ben Davis),
Three large stems rhubarb,
One hatful green gooseberries,
Two ginger cookies, without holes,
Three ginger cookies, with holes,
One adult cucumber, with salt on same,
One glass new milk,
Two uncooked hen eggs, on half-shell.
I laid off all that day from haying in order to follow
the little rascal around with a lead pencil and a piece
of paper and see how much he would eat. That even-
ing I thought what a beautiful night he had selected
for his death. The moon was slipping in and out through
the frothy, fleece-lined clouds, and I could imagine the
angels just behind the battlements putting the celestial
bric-a-brac high enough up so that Henry couldn't get
hold of it when he came. I had a slow horse con-
cealed behind the barn, with which I intended going
for the doctor. It was a horse with which I had failed
to get the doctor in time on a similar occasion, and I
felt that he could be relied on now.
Night settled down on the riproaring Piscataquis and
deepened the shadows at the base of Russell Mountain.
The spruce gum tree of the Moosehead Lake region
laid aside its work for the day and the common
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
warty toad of the Pine Tree State began to overesti-
mate himself and inflate his person with the bugs of
the evening, now and then lighting up his interior
with a lightning bug. It was a glorious evening that
little Henry had selected and set aside for his death.
But he was really the only one in our house who slept
well that night, and seemed to wake up thoroughly re-
freshed. He is still alive as I write and is coming
down here in July emptier than ever.
Oh, sir, can you help me? Will you print this poor
petition of mine, with the tear-stains on it, and your
reply to it in The World and send me a copy of the
paper that I can show to Henry's father, who is a
cousin of my wife's but otherwise has nothing to which
he can point with pride? Yours sincerely,
EBEN L. TEWEY.
P. S.-I have presumed some on your good nature,
because I have been told that you was born here. I am
sorry to say that Shirley has never overcome this en-
tirely. It has hurt her with other towns in the State,
but you can see yourself that there was no way we
could provide against it. My wife sends love, and
hopes you will print this letter without giving my name,
or if so, with a fictitious name, as they call it, and per-
haps it will fall into the hands of those people who
come down here every summer with nothing in them
but sincere friendship and go home full of victuals. I
wish you would put into it some way a piece that says
I do not regard a Christmas present of a chalk meer-
shum pipe, with a red celluloid stem, as an offset
against a summer's board of a family that has more
malaria than good manners. Slap that in, in your
OLD AND NEW.
genial way, so as not to give offense, and whenever you
visit your old birthplace, and want to just let go all
holts and have a good time, come right to our house.
I have lathed and plastered the cook-room and fitted it
up as a kind of Inebriates' Home, and I would feel
tickled to death to have you come and see what you
think of it. E. L. T.
P. S. Again. If you print this letter, Slocum would
be a good fictitious name to sign to it, and I would
want an extra copy of the paper also. T.
SIR: Will you allow me to say that I think it is such
letters as the above that create ill-feeling between the
people of the country and the people of the city, and
cause the relations to be strained, especially those rela-
tions that live in the country. Although you are not
altogether in the wrong, Eben, and although country
people, who live near to nature's heart, have certain
inalienable rights which should be respected, yet there
is no work on etiquette which covers the case you
It would be very difficult for me to write out a code
of ethics for the government of your relative while in
the country, and from the description you give of him
I judge that we could not enforce it anyway without
calling out the State troops.
I take him to belong to that class of New York busi-
ness men who are so active doing nothing every day,
that in order to impress people with their importance,
they are in the habit of pushing a woman or two off
the Brooklyn bridge in their wild struggle to get over
into the City Hall park and sit down. I presume that
BILL NYO 1H ITHUTr
he is that kind of a man here, and so we think you
ought to get along with him through July and August
if we take him for the rest of the year.
He is the kind that would knock down an old woman
in the morning, in his efforts to get the first possible
elevated train, and then do nothing else all day
but try to recover from the shock. I wouldn't be
surprised if he ultimately wrote a book on etiquette,
which will inform a countryman how to conduct him-
self while he is in town. Maybe he is writing it now.
I can imagine, Eben, what sad havoc the son of such
a man would create in your quiet Piscataquis home.
In my mind's eye I can see him trying to carry out his
father's lofty notions of refinement and courtesy. I
can see his bright smile as he lands at your door and
begins to insert himself into your home life, to breathe
resinous air of the piney woods, and to pour kerosene
into the sugar bowl, to chase the gaudy decalcomanie
butterfly, and put angle worms in the churn.
In this man's book on etiquette he will, doubtless,
say that should you have occasion while at table to use
a toothpick, you should hold a napkin before your mouth
while doing so, in order to avoid giving offense to those
who are at table. It is not necessary for you to
crawl under the table to pick your teeth, or to go out
behind the barn, for by throwing a large napkin over
your head you can pick your teeth with impunity,
though you should not use a fork, as it does not look
well and it might put out your eye.
Nothing is more disgusting to a refined mind than to
see a man at table holding one of his eyes on a fork
and scrutinizing it with the other.
OLD AND NEW.
In calling on a lady who is away from home leave
your card. If the visit is intended for two or three la-
dies at the house, leave two or three cards, but do not
turn down the corner of the card as that custom is now
exploded except in three card monte circles and even
then it is regarded with suspicion.
All these things, however, are for the guidance of
people who come to town, and those who go into the
country are left practically without any suitable book
to guide them.
I do not know of any better way for you to do,
Eben, than to write a polite note to your relatives ask-
ing them if they contemplate paying you a visit this
summer, and if so at what time, and whether they will
bring Henry or not. Use plain white unruled note pa-
per and write only on one side, unless you are a Mug-
wump in which case you might write on both sides.
Then if they write that they do so contemplate pay-
ing you a visit without paying anything else, I do not
know of anything for you to do but to go away some-
where for the summer, leaving your house fully insured
and in the hands of a reliable incendiary.
Write again, Eben, and feel perfectly free to come
and lean on me in all matters of etiquette. Do not
come to town without hunting me up. You will find
me at the Post-Office forenoons and in the pest-house
during the afternoon. Yours, with kind regards.
MEN ARE OFTEN MISUNDERSTOOD.
They may be rough on the exterior but they can love
Oh, so earnestly, so warmly, so truly, so deeply, so
intensely, so yearningly, so fondly, and so universally!
BILL NYE IN THE ROLE OF AN UTE INDIAN JENKINS.
Personal Gossip Designed to Interest the Indian Society
People Remarkable Toilets Seen on the Reserva-
tion A Novel Aboriginal Dinner Menu Points
for Society Reporters- Eager to iMake Their Mark.
The following Ute society gossip is full of interest
to those who have personal acquaintances and friends.
among that set. I have only just received them, and(
hasten to give them as early as possible, knowing tha'
the readers of The World will all feel an interest in
what is going on in and about the reservation:
The season at White River will be unusually gay
this winter, and soon there will be one continuous round
of hilarity, indigestion, mirth, colic and social hatred.
Red Horse, the smoke-tanned horse-fiddle maestro,
will play and call off again this winter for germans,
grub dances and jack-rabbit gorges as usual.
The Ouray War Club will give a series of hops in
November under its own auspices, and in December it
will hold two Germans. In going through these Ger-
mans no favors will be shown by the club.
Mr. and Mrs. Mexican-Hairless-Dog-upon-whom-
there-are-no-Flies have been spending the summer at
their delightful hostile home near White River. They
have just returned for the winter, beautifully bronzed
by the elements, and report one of the most exhilarat-
ing outbreaks they ever were to.
OLD AND NEW.
Lop-Ear-Son-of-the-Cyclone received a cablegram last
week, on his return from the war-path, offering him a
princely salary to come to London, and assist in rob-
bing the Deadwood coach. He says the legitimate
drama is certainly making wonderful strides. He has
heard the American Opera Company in Nero," and
says that nc one who has lived on the reservation all
his life can have any idea of the strides that are being
made on the stage. He has not decided whether to
accept the offer or not, but says that if the stage they
are going to rob is the operatic stage he will not assist
at any price. He says he knows what it is to suffer for
The members of the Chipeta Canoeing Club have
just returned from a summer jaunt, and are in good
spirits. They report that a good time was had and
health greatly improved. The club will give a sociable
and gastric recital at its grounds next week. The pro-
ceeds will go toward beautifying the grounds of the
club and promoting a general good feeling. Each
member is permitted to bring one cash friend.
Tall-Man-Who-Toys-with-the-Thunderbolts will start
to-morrow for the home of the Great White Father, at
Washington. He goes to make a treaty or two and be
awed by the surplus in the treasury. He will make as
many treaties as possible, after which he will invite the
Great White Father to visit our young and growing
reservation, enjoy our crude hospitality and cultivate
ihe Ute vote.
A select scalp-dance and rum sociable will take place
at the foot of the gulch, at the middle of the present
moon, after which there will be a presentation speech
BILL NYE5S CHESTNU'TS
and resolutions of respect tendered to the Board of
Outbreaks and the Sub-Committee on Hostility.
The following will be the menu:
Reservation soup, strengthened with rain-water;
condemned sardines, codfish balls, fish plates, railroad
frogs' legs, sage hen A la Colorow, jerked jack-rabbits,
roasting ears 5 la massacre, hot-house clams, rattle-
snakes' tongues a la fire-water, prickly pears, fruit of
the loom, dried apples and whisky. Dancing will be
kept up till a late hour.
The approaching nuptials of Fly-by-Night, a partial
widower of Snippeta, daughter of Wipe-Up-the-Ground-
with-His-Enemies, will be the occasion of quite a tout
ensemble and blow-out. He will marry the surviving
members of the family of Wampo-the-Wailer-that-
Wakes-Up-in-the-Night. He will on this occasion lead
to the altar Mrs. Wampo-the-Wailer, etc., her two daugh-
ters and the hired girl. The wedding will take place
at the residence of the bride. Invitations are already
out and parties who have not yet received any, but who
would like to be present and swap a tin napkin ring for
a square meal, will be invited if they will leave their
address with the groom.
Crash-of-the-Tempest, a prominent man of the tribe,
laid a large tumor on our table last week, weighing four
pounds, from which he was removed on Wednesday.
So far, this is the largest tumor that has been brought
in this summer to apply on subscription. Call again,
Soiled Charley and Peek-a-Boo, delegates of the Ute
nation sent to the Great White Father at Washington,
returned yesterday from Red Top, the great tepee of
OLD AND NEWW.
the Pale Chief. They made a great many treaties and
both are utterly exhausted. Peek-a-Boo is confined to
his wigwam by the hallucination that the air is full of
bright red bumble bees with blue tails. He says that
he does not mind the hostility of the white man, but it
is his hospitality that makes him tired.
A full-dress reception and consomme was tendered to
the friends of labor at the home of Past Worthy Chief
Fly-up-the-Creek, of White River, by his own neighbors
and Uncompaghre admirers on Tuesday evening. At'
an early hour guests began to arrive and crawl under
the tent into the reception-room.
A fine band, consisting of a man who had deserted
from the regular military band, played Boulanger's
March on the bass drum with deep feeling.
The widow of Wampo-the-Wailer and affianced of
old Fly-by-Night, wore a dark coiffure, held in place by
the wish-bone of a sage hen, and looked first rate.
Miss Wampo, the elder, wore a negligi costume, con-
sisting of a red California blanket, caught back with
real burdock burrs and held in place by means of a
The younger Miss Wampo wore a Smyrna rug, with
bunch grass at the throat.
Mrs. D.W. Peek-a-Boo wore a cavalry saddle blanket,
with Turkish overalls and bone ornaments.
Miss Peek-a-Boo wore a straw-colored jardiniere, cut
V-shape, looped back with a russet shawl strap
and trimmed with rick-rack around the arm-holes.
Her eyes danced with merriment, and she danced with
most anybody in the wigwam.
Little Casino, the daughter of Fly-Up-the-Creek, of
BILL NYE' 8 CHESTNUTS
tha Uncompaghres, wore the gable end of an "A" tent,
trimmed with red flannel rosettes. It had veneered
panels, and the new and extremely swell sleeves, blown
np above the elbow and tight the rest of the way, in
which, as she said in her naive way, they resembled her
father, who was tight half of the time and blown up
the rest of the time. Little Casino was the life of the
party, and it would be hard to opine of anything more
charming than her bright and cheery way of telling a
funny story, which convulsed her audience, while she
quietly completed a fractional flush and took home the
long-delayed jack pot to her needy father. She is an
intellectual exotic of which the Uncompaghres may
well be proud, and is also one of those rare productions
of nature never at a loss for something to write in an
autograph album. In the album of a young warrior of
the Third Ute Infantry she has written: "In friend-
ship's great fruitage, please regard me as your huckle-
berry, Little Casino."
Our genial townsman, William H. Colorow, is home
again after a prolonged hunting and camping trip,
during which he was attacked and cordially shot at by
a group of gentlemen who came to serve a writ of
replevin on him. Col. Colorow does not know exactly
what the writ of replevin is for, unless it be for the
purpose of accumulating mileage for the sheriff.
Few were killed during the engagement, except a
small pappoose belonging to Mr. and Mrs. Roll-on-
Silver-Moon, who returned last evening with the remains
of their child. A late copy of a New York paper
alludes to this as "a furious engagement, after which
the Indians carried off their dead according to their
OLD AND NEW.
custom." Mr. and Mrs. Roll-on-Silver-Moon were
warned against taking the baby with them on an
extended camping trip, but they seemed to think that
it would be perfectly safe, as the child was only seven
weeks old, and could not have incurred the hostility of
the War Department. This was not improbable at all,
for, according to the records, it takes from nine to
eleven weeks to officially irritate the War Department.
The little one now lies at the wigwam of its afflicted
parents, on Cavyo street, and certainly does not look
as though it could have stood out so long against the
sheriff and his posse.
Mrs. Roll-on-Silver-Moon has a painful bullet wound
in the shoulder, but feels so grieved about the loss of
little Cholera Infantum that she does not make much
fuss over her injury. The funeral of the little one will
take place this evening, from its late residence, and
friends of the parents are cordially invited to come and
participate. Wailing will begin promptly at sundown.
Mr. and Mrs. P. P. C. Shinny-on-Your-Own-Ground
are just back from a summer jaunt in the Little Big
Horn Mountains, whither they went in search of health.
They returned laden with golden rod and a large catch
of landlocked grasshoppers. As soon as they get
thoroughly rested they will announce a select locust,
grasshopper and cricket feed at their home, during
which a celebrated band from the Staten Island ferry
will oblige with a new selection, known as The Cricket
on the Hearth."
Major Santee, who is now at home repairing the roof
of his gothic tepee, which was so damaged by the
recent storms that it allowed hail, rain and horned
PILL I1TTE' CHESTNUT8
cattle to penetrate his apartments at all times of the day
or night, says that in the late great Ute war everybody
wanted to fight except the Indians and the War Depart-
ment. He believes that no Indian outbreak can be re-
garded as a success without the hearty co-operation and
godspeed of the government, and a quorum of Indians
who are willing to break out into open hostility. Major
Santee lost a niece during the recent encounter. She
was not hostile to any one, but was respected by all,
and will now cast a gloom. She had no hard feelings
toward the sheriff or any one of his posse, and had
never met them before. She was very plain in appear-
ance, and this was her first engagement. The sheriff
now claims that he thought she was reaching for her
gun, whereas it appears that she was making a wild
grab for her Indian trail.
Major Santee says that he hopes it*will be many a
long day before the sheriff organizes another Ute out-
break and compels the Utes to come and bring their
families. He says that human life here is now so cheap,
especially the red style of human life, that sometimes
he is almost tempted to steal two hundred thousand
dollars and go to New York, where he will be safe.
SURE CURE FOR BILIOUSNESS.
Whenever I get bilious and need exercise, I go over
to the south end of town and vicariously hoe radishes
for an hour or two till the pores are open, and I feel
that delightful languor and the chastened sense of
hunger and honesty which comes to the man who is
not afraid to toil
IN AN UNGUARDED MOMENT BILL NYE IS CAPTURED
BY A POLITICAL SIREN.
Decoyed by Honeyed Words He Essays to Purify Pol-
itics -The Inevitable Delegation from Irving Hall-
An Unreserved Statement of Campaign Expenses-
Some Items of a Momentous Canvass Disclosed.
I have only just returned from the new-made grave
of a little boomlet of my own. Yesterday I dug a lit-
tle hole in the back yard and buried in it my little
boom, where the pie-plant will cast its cooling shadows
over it and the pinch-bug can come and carol above it
A few weeks ago a plain man came to me and asked
me my name. Refreshing my memory by looking at
the mark on my linen, I told him promptly who I was.
He said he had resided in New York for a long time
and felt the hour had now arrived for politics in this
city to be purified. Would I assist him in this great
work? If so, would I appoint a trysting place where
we could meet and tryst? I suggested the holy hush
and quiet of lower Broadway or the New York end of
the East River bridge at 6 o'clock; but he said no, we
might be discovered. So we agreed to meet at my
house. There he told me that his idea was to run me
for the State Senate this fall, not because he had any
political axe to grind, but because he wanted to see old
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
methods wiped out and the will of the people find true
and unfettered expression.
"And, sir," I asked, what party do you represent?"
"I represent those who wish for purity, those who
sigh for the results of unbought suffrages, those who
despise old methods and yearn to hear the unsmothered
voice of the people."
"Then you are Mr. Vox Populi himself, perhaps .
"No, my name is Kargill, and I am in dead earnest.
I represent the party of purity in New York."
"And why did you not bring the party with you?
Then you and I and my wife and this party you speak
of could have had a game of whist together," said I
with an air of inimitable drollery.
But he seemed to be shocked by my trifling manner,
and again asked me to be his standard-bearer. Finally
I said reluctantly that I would do so, for I have always
said that I would never shrink from my duty in case I
should become the victim of political preferment.
In Wyoming I had several times accepted the port-
folio of justice of the peace, and so I knew what it was
to be called forth by the wild and clamorous appeals
of my constituents and asked to stand up for principle,
to buckle on the armor of true patriotism and with
drawn sword and overdrawn salary to battle for the
In running for office in Wyoming our greatest expense
and annoyance arose from the immense distances we
had to travel in order to go over one county. Many
a day I have traveled during an exciting canvass from
daylight till dark without meeting a voter. But
here was a Senatorial district not larger than a joint
OLD AND NEW.
school district, and I thought that the expense of making
a canvass would be comparatively small.
That was where I made a mistake. On the day
after Mr. Lucifer Kargill had entered my home and
with honeyed words made me believe that New York
had been, figuratively speaking, sitting back on her
haunches for fifty years waiting for me to come along
and be a standard-bearer, a man came to my house who
said he had heard that I was looking toward the Sen.
ate, and that he had come to see me as the represent.
tive of Irving Hall. I said that I did not care a conti.
nental for Irving Hall, so far as my own campaign was
concerned, as I intended to do all my speaking in the
He said that I did not understand him. What he
wanted to know was, what percentage of my gross
earnings at Albany would go into the Irving Hall
sinking fund, provided that organization indorsed me ?
I said that I was going into this campaign to purify
politics, and that I would do what was right toward
Irving Hall, in order to be placed in a position where
I could get in my work as a purifier.
We then had a long talk upon what he called the
needs of the hour. He said that I would make a good
candidate, as I had no past. I was unknown and safe.
Besides, he could see that I had the elements of success,
for I had never expressed any opinion about anything,
and had never antagonized any of the different wings
of the party by saying anything that people had paid
any attention to. He said also that he learned I had
belonged to all the different parties, and so would be
familiar with the methods of each. He then asked me
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
to sign a pledge, and after I had done so he shook
hands with me and went away.
The next day I was waited upon by the treasurers of
eleven chowder clubs, the financial secretary of the
Shanty Sharpshooters and Goat Hill Volunteers. A
man also came to obtain means for burying a dead
friend. I afterward saw him doing so to some extent.
He was burying his friend beneath the solemn shadow
of a heavy mahogany-colored mustache, of which he
was the sole proprietor.
I was waited upon by delegations from Tammany,
the County Democracy and the Jeffersonian Simplicity
Club. Everybody seemed to have dropped his own
business in order to wait upon me.
I became pledged to every one on condition that I
should be elected. It makes me shudder now to think
what I may have signed. I paid forty odd dollars for
the privilege of voting for a beautiful child, and thus
lost all influence with every other parent in the con-
test. I voted for the most popular young lady and
heard afterward that she regarded me only as a friend.
I had a biography and portrait of myself printed in an
obscure paper that claimed a large circulation, and the
first time the forms went into the press a loose screw
fell out of the machinery, caught on the forehead of
my portrait and peeled back the scalp so that it dropped
over one eye like a prayer rug hanging out of the win-
dow of a Constantinople minaret during house-cleaning
I had paid a boy three dollars to scatter these papers
among the neighbors, but I met him as he came out of
OLD AND NEW.
the office and made it five dollars if he would put them
in the bosom of the moaning tide.
I give below a rough draft of expenses, not including
some of the items referred to above:
STATEMENT NOW IN THE HANDS OP MY ASSIGNEE.
Loaned to red-nosed gentleman who discovered me and pleaded
with me to run for the office so that the people could have
a pure administration.................................$25 00
'aid rent of man who claimed to have influence, but whose
rife is in the habit of kicking him under the lounge and
welting him over the head with a carpet-stretcher ....... 20 00
Advanced to Early Galoot Club for demonstration purposes,
viz., for purchase of 500 torches; which demonstration
was a failure, owing to inability of the six members of
club to carry 500 torches while drunk..................250 00
Paid to Recording Secretary of Independent Order of Bung-
starters, for purpose of buying new tin panoply for pa-
rade purposes........................................ 32 00
Paid my proportion of expenses of contemplated demonstra-
tion. Stipulated by me that this money should be used in
defraying expense of torchlight procession to march down
Broadway, but it was really used to fit out a procession
that marched down the broad road to a ready made drunk-
ard's doom....................... ............ ...... 27 00
Paid drunk-and-disorderly fine and costs of man who first came
to me with his siren's song and begged me to please run
and purify politics .................................. 9 85
Paid secretary of Beardless Boys' Political Filter Corps No. 9,
to buy new strainer for purifying politics.............. 2 85
Paid for bromide furnished to man who first thought of me as
a candidate... .............. ........... ............ 20
Paid man who agreed to throw a stereopticon portrait of
myself against the side of the Grand Central depot all
night, together with the announcement that I was the
people's choice, but which said man, I afterward learned,
got $50 for putting above the portrait an illuminated
legend, as follows: This man would have looked better if
he had used Blenck's Handrake Pills!...................... 25 00
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
Paid hack hire for conveying to Home of the Friendless two
children of a man who writes scathing magazine articles
on How to Make Home Happy,"and who also has a strong
political pull, but which pull, strong as it is, stands back
and trembles and turns pale in the presence of this man's
rich Bourbon breath........ ............... ........... 5 00
Paid for votes while running at a big church fair for embroid-
ered suspenders voted to "the most popular hairless man
in New York," $832.
Credit by suspenders, 40 cents; balance ...............831 60
Paid for extra papers (papers contained column article, with
flea bitten portrait, and statement that at the age of eigh-
teen months I crawled out of the cradle and began to sup-
port my parents by taming lions for a circus)............122 00
Paid for overcoat for our pastor, hoping he would frequently
allude to it, but who took the coat and paid a long con-
templated visit to his boyhood home in Ohio........... 32 00
Paid for eight-line reading notice in the columns of the Elevated
Railway and Advertisr................................. 72 0(
Miscellaneous expenses, including railroad fare of my wife,
who has gone home to her parents to remain until I get
politics purified ..................................... 178 00
Paid for cigars to use during political campaign........... 75 00
Paid for strong political pulls to use in working said cigars... 8 50
Paid to influential ward worker, who needed a little money at
the house, as his wife had just presented him with twins. 20 00
One week later, thoughtlessly paid same man under what pur-
ported to be similar circumstances..................... 10 00
Yesterday I tried to find the red-nosed man who first
asked me to go into the standard-bearer business, in
order to withdraw my name, but I could not find him
in the directory. I therefore take this means of saying,
as I said to my assignee last evening, that if a public
office be a public bust, I might just as well bust now
and have it over.
To-morrow I will sell out my residence, a cane voted
to me as the most popular man in the State; also an
OLD AND NEW.
assortment of political pulls, a little loose in the handles,
but otherwise all right. I will close out at the same
time five hundred torches, three hundred tin helmets,
nine transparencies and one double-leaded editorial,
entitled Dinna Ye Hear the Slogan ?"
VIRTUE ITS OWN REWARD.
A noble, generous-hearted man in Cheyenne lost
$250, and an honest chambermaid found it in his room.
The warm heart of the man swelled with gratitude,
and seemed to reach out after all mankind, that he
might in some way assist them with the $250 which
was lost, and was found again. So he fell on the neck
of the chambermaid, and while his tears t6ok the starch
out of her linen collar, he put his hand in his pocket and
found her a counterfeit twenty-five cent scrip. Take
this," he said, between his sobs, "virtue is its own
reward. Do not use it unwisely, put it into Laramie
County bonds, where thieves cannot corrupt, nor moths
break through and gnaw the corners off."
A GOOD PAINTING FOR THE CAPITOL.
I have seen a very spirited painting somewhere; I
think it was at the Louvre, or the Vatican, or Fort
Collins, by either Michael Angelo, or Raphael, or Eli
Perkins, which represented Joseph presenting a por-
tion of his ulster overcoat to Potiphar's wife, and
lighting out for the Cairo and Palestine 11 o'clock
train, with a great deal of earnestness. This would
be a good painting to hang on the walls of the Capitol
BILL NYE DESCANTS UPON YOUNG IVES'S IDEAS IN
Mr. Ives's Earnest Desire Not to Tell a Lie or Anything
Else -Blighted Powers of Recalling the Past Pui
Him Alongside the Gentle Gould Himself- Touch
ing Letter Received from a Patron of His Road.
The present age may be regarded as the age of inves-
tigation. This morbid curiosity on the part of the
American people to know how large fortunes are
acquired is a healthy sign, and the desire of the press,
as well as the people, to investigate the parlor magic
and funny business by which a man can buy two mil-
lions of dollars' worth of stock in the Aurora Borealis
without paying for it, stick a quill in it and inflate the
stock to twenty millions, then borrow thirty-five mil-
lions on the new stock by booming it, make an assign-
ment, bust and slide a fifty-pound ledger up his sleeve,
is most gratifying.
For the benefit an- entertainment of those who still
believe that the Sunday paper is not an engine of
destruction, and for the consideration of those who
may have been kept away from church on this summer
Sabbath morning by sickness or insomnia, let us turn
for a moment to the thoughtful scrutiny of Mr. Henry
S. Ives, the young Napoleon of Wall street.
In the first place, Mr. Ives has done nothing new.
Starting out, no doubt, with Mr. Gould as his mod21,
OLD AND NEW.
he has kept up the imitation even to the loss of mem-
ory and blighted powers of recalling the past during
an investigation. (I use Mr. Gould's name simply as
an illustration -for I have no special antipathy toward
Mr. Gould.) Personally we are friendly. He made
his money by means of his comatose memory and flabby
integrity, while I made mine by means of earnest, hon-
est toil, and a lurid imagination.
But in the case of Mr. Ives, the gentle, polite failure
to remember, the earnest desire not to tell a lie or any-
thing else, the courteous and unobtrusive effort to
avoid being too positive about anything that would
assist anybody in ascertaining anything-all, all
remind the close student of Mr. Jay Gould. The con-
versation during the investigation for one day ran
something like this:
"Mr. Ives, did you in making your assignment turn
over all the books connected with your business ?"
"Do you mean my library ? "
No; the books of account, the day book, cash book,
ledger, etc., etc."
"I ask if you turned over all such books on the date
of your assignment ?"
"I could hardly tell that. At least, I would only
swear on information and belief."
"Well, to the best of your knowledge and belief, did
you turn over those books at that time ?"
"I think I did, but I am not positive as to the
What makes you think you did "
BILL NOTE'S CHESTNUTS
"Because I did frequently turn the books over, in
order to see how they looked on the other side."
"Mr. Ives, we find that several of the more impor.
tant books connected with your office and the firm of
Henry S. Ives & Co. are missing. Do you know where
No, I do not."
"Were they in your office prior to your assign-
ment ? "
Yes, they were there, according to the best of my
knowledge and belief, up to the time that they were
"Have you any idea, Mr. Ives, where those books
are now ?"
No sir; only in a general way?"
How do you mean in a general way?"
"Well, I mean that I know only in what might be
called a general way. "
"Well, Mr. Ives, will you state then, in a general
way, where those books are now ?"
Yes, sir; they are elsewhere."
"What makes you say they are elsewhere, Mr.
"Because they are not there."
"Well, now, will you tell us whether you removed
those books from the office of H. S. Ives & Co. or
"Do you ask me to answer that question person-
OLD AND NEW.
Do you wish a verbal answer or would you rather
have it in writing ? "
"Well, then, I did not, to my knowledge."
"Would you have been apt to know of it if you had
taken them away yourself ? "
"Well, only in a general way."
"Would you have known about it if any one else
had taken them away?"
I think I would but I might not. There was a great
deal of passing along our street, and they may have
been taken while I was looking out of the window,
waiting till the crowds rolled by."
And so Mr. Ives continued to shed information upon
the inquiring mind in a courteous and opaque manner
that must have endeared him to all.
Mr. Ives has in no transaction shown himself so
thoroughly shrewd as he did when he swapped a doubtful
reputation for a large sum of money. The only wonder
is that there were so many men who wanted to invest in
that kind of goods. He did a shrewd thing, but he will
not be able to profit by it.
Success, however, should only be measured by the
content it brings with it. While Henry S. Ives was
fighting his mighty financial battles and winning for
himself the title of the Young Napoleon of Wall street,
dwelling in a little palace lined with ivory and gold,
but cursed by the consuming desire to be rich, and
forgetful, like Mr. Gould, how full of calm and sooth-
ing content is the following simple letter, written
by a man who undertook last year to inaugurate a
Shakesperian revival in southern Ohio:
DILL XYELS CHESTNUT8
CINOINNATI, ., Aug. 3, 1886.
Mr. Henry 8. ves, New York, N. Y.
DEaR. SIR: I have just arrived in this city after a
long and debilitating but rather enjoyable trip over
your line, and I now take pen in hand to thank you
for the use of your roadbed from Indianapolis to this
place. It is a good road, and I was surprised to find
it well ballasted and furnished with cool retreats and
shady culverts every few miles wherein a man could
It is a good route for the poor but pampered tra.
gedian to take, and water-melons grow close to the fence,
I have traveled over many other roads since the new
and pernicious law, but nowhere have I found water.
melons more succulent or less coy and secretive than
on your justly celebrated line. I also notice with
pleasure that green corn is still susceptible, and wild
paw paws are growing in the summer sun.
I thought I saw you go by in your special car just
north of the first trestle outside of town, but you went
by so fast that I could not tell definitely till too late.
Please excuse me for not speaking to you as you
passed by. Success on the stage has not taught me to
forget or ignore my friends whenever I am thrown in
contact with them.
People write me that New York State is rapidly
settling up, and that property is advancing rapidly in
every direction. Is this so? Advancing rapidly in
every direction is, I suppose, one of the most difficult
feats known to calisthenics. I have tried it myself,
years ago, but now I do not practice it, having quit
OLD AND NEW.
I hope you will let me know any time that I can be
of use to you, either in mowing weeds or gathering
nuts that have ripened and fallen off your track. I
enjoy, especially in the autumn when the hectic of the
dying year has flooded the forests with its multiplied
glories, and the cricket sings his sleepy song to the
tired heart, and the locust lifts its lawn-mower voice in
the boughs of the poplar, to go nutting along a prolific
I would be glad, also, if you have not secured any-
one else, to assist you in herding your stock on Wall
street. Railroad stock frequently runs down and gets
the hollow horn for lack of care during the winter
Always feel free to call on me at any time that I
can be of service to you. Yours truly,
The moral to be drawn from the career of Napoleon
Bonaparte Ives is that they who make haste to be rich
may not be innocent. As Gen. McClellan once said,
there can be no better incentive to integrity than the
generous approval accorded to honesty by those who
are honest. All other kinds of approval are not worth
struggling for. Money will buy a certain kind of
applause, but it is the kind that turns to scorn when
justice begins to get in her fine work.
And life itself is brief. Storied urn and animated
bust may succeed well in society, but they cannot soothe
the dull, cold ear of death. Freckled granite and pre-
varicating marble may perpetuate the fraud of a life-
time, but they do not always indicate success.
For myself I would rather have more sincere and
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
honest friends through life, and afterwards content
myself with a plainer tomb.
Not many miles from the costly mausoleum of a
great millionaire a sign-board by the roadside reads:
Wif This way to Foley's Grovel
Enjoy life while you live, for
You'll be a long time dead.
While I do not fully indorse this sentiment, there is
food in it for earnest thought.
THE ANTI-CLINKER BASE-BURNER BEE.
I have noticed bees very closely indeed, during my
life. In fact I have several times been thrown into im-
mediate juxtaposition with them, and have had a great
many opportunities to observe their ways, and I am
free to say that I have not been so forcibly struck with
the difference in their size as the noticeable difference
in their temperature. I remember at one time sitting
by a hive watching the habits of the bees, and think-
ing how industrious they were, and what a wide differ-
ence there is between the toilsome life of the little in-
sect, and the enervating, aimless, idle and luxurious
life of the newspaper man, when an impulsive little bee
lit in my hair. He seemed to be feverish. Wherever he
settled down he seemed to leave a hot place. I learned
afterward that it was a new kind of bee called th(
anti-clinker base-burner bee.
A FEW REMARKS ON OUR HOSTELRY SYSTEM AS IT
Why a man in a Soft Hat is not always Welcome -
The Hotel Clerk and his Frigidity Apparatus The
Hotel Hog and his Habits How he may be Headed
Off- Drolleries of Shrewd Bonifaces.
America has made many gigantic strides, aside from
those made at the battle of Bull Run, and her people
spend much of their time pointing with pride to her
remarkable progress; but we are prone to dwell too
much upon our advantages as a summer resort, and
our adroit methods of declining the Presidency before
we are asked, while we forget some of our more im-
portant improvements, like the Elevated Railway and
the American Hotel.
Let us, for a moment, look at the great changes
that have been wrought in hotels during the past
century. How marked has been the improvement and
how wonderful the advancement. Everything has
been changed. Even the towels have been changed.
Electric bells, consisting of a long and alert wire
with an overcoat button at one end and a reticent boy
at the other, have taken the place of the human voice
and a low-browed red-elm club. Where once we were
compelled to fall down a dark, narrow staircase, now
we can go down the elevator or wander down the
wrong stairway and Afi" n...v1a in the laundry.
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
Where once we were mortified by being compelled
to rise at table, reach nine feet and stab a porous
pancake with our fork, meantime wiping the milk
gravy out of a large yellow bowl with our coat-tails,
now we can hire a tall, lithe gentleman in a full-dress
suit to pass us the pancakes.
Even the bar-rooms of American hotels are changed.
Once the bartender waited till his customer ran all his
remarks into one long, hoarse word, with a hiccough
on the end, and then he took him by the collar and
threw him out into the cold and chaotic night. Now
the bartender gradually rises on the price of drinks till
his customer is frozen out, and while he is gone to the
reading-room to borrow some more money the chemist
moves the bar somewhere else, and when the guest
returns he finds a barber-shop where he thought he
left a bar-room.
One hundred years, on their swift pinions, have
borne away the big and earnest dinner bell, and the
sway-backed hair trunk that surprised a man so when
he sat down upon it to consider what clothes he would
put on first.
All these evidences of our crude, embryotic exist-
ence are gone, and in their places we have electric
bells, and Saratoga trunks wherein we may conceal our
hotel room and still have space left for our clothes.
It is very rare now that we see a United States
senator snaking a two-year-old Mambrino hair trunk
up three flights of stairs to his room in order to secure
the labor vote. Men, as well as hotels and hotel soap,
have changed. Where once a cake of soap would only
last a few weeks, science has come in and perfected a
OLD AND NEW.
style of pink soap, flavored with vanilla, that will last
for years, and a new slippery-elm towel that is abso-
lutely impervious to moisture, Hand in hand, this
soap and towel go gaily down the corridors of time,
welcoming the coming and speeding the parting guest,
jumping deftly out of the hands of the aristocracy into
the hands of a receiver, but always calm, smooth and
Nature did not fit me to be the successful guest at a
hotel. I can see why it is so. I do not know how to
impress a hotel. I think all the way up from the
depot, as I change hands with my hot-handled and
heavy bag, how I will stride up to the counter and ask
for the room that is generally given to Mr. Blaine; but
when I get there I fall up against a cold wave, step
back into a large india-rubber cuspidor, and my over-
taxed valise bursts open. While the porter and I
gather up my collars and gently press them in with our
feet, the clerk decides that he hasn't got such a room
as I would want.
I then go to another hotel and succeed in getting a
room, which commands aview of a large red fire-escape,
a long sweep of undulating eaves-trough and a light-
ning rod usually No. 71, near the laundry chimney
and adjoining the baggage elevator.
After I have remained at the hotel several days and
paid my bill whenever I have been asked to do so, and
shown that I did not eat much and that I was willing
to carry up my own coal, the proprietor relents and
puts me in a room that is below timber line, and though
it is a better room, I feel all the time as though I had
driven out the night-watchman, for the bed is still
BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
warm, and knowing that he must be sleeping out in
the cold hall all night as he patiently watches the hotel,
I cannot sleep until three or four o'clock in the morn-
ing, and then I have to get up while the chambermaid
makes my bed for the day.
I try hard when I enter a hotel to assume an air of
arrogance and defiance, but I am all the time afraid
that there is some one present who is acquainted with
Another thing that works against me is my apparel.
In a strange hotel a man will do better, if he has fifty
dollars only, and desires to remain two weeks, to go and
buy a fifty-dollar suit of clothes with his money, taking
his chances with the clerk, than to dress like a plain
American citizen, and expect to be loved, on the
grounds that he will pay his board.
But there is now a prospect for reform in this line, a
scheme by which a man's name and record as a guest
will be his credentials. When this plan becomes thor-
oughly understood and adopted, a modest man with
money, who prefers to wear a soft hat, will not have to
sleep in the Union depot, solely on the ground that the
night clerk is opposed to a soft hat.
This scheme, to be brief, consists of a system of
regular reports from tables and rooms, whicn reports
are epitomized at the office and interchangeable with
other hotels, on the principle of the R. G. Dun Com-
mercial Agency. The guest is required to sign his
order at the table or give the number of his room,
whether the hotel is run on the European plan or not,
and these orders in the aggregate, coming from head
OLD AND NEW.
waiters, porters, chambermaids and bell-boys, make up
a man's standing on a scale of from A to Z.
For instance, we will say a five-dollar-per-day house
can afford to feed a man for a dollar a meal. The
guest orders two dollars' worth, sticks his mustache
into just enough of it to spoil it for stew or giblet pur-
poses, and then goes to his room. Here he puts up the
fire-escape rope for a clothes-line, does a week's wash-
ing, and hanging it out upon the improvised clothes-
line, he lights a strong pipe, puts his feet on the pillow-
shams, and reads As in a Looking Glass while his
wash is drying. When that man goes away he leaves
a record at the hotel which confronts him at every
hotel wherever he goes. As soon as he writes his name,
the clerk, who has read it wrong side up just a little
before he got it down, tells him that he is very sorry,
but that the house is full, and people are sleeping on
cots in the hall, and the proprietor himself has to sleep
on the sideboard. The large white suffolk hog, who
has been in the habit of inaugurating a rain of terror
and gravy in the dining-room and stealing the soap
from the wash-room, just simply because he could out.
trump the clerk on diamonds, will thus have to go to
the pound, where he belongs, and quiet, every-day
people, who rely on their integrity more than they do
on their squeal, will get a chance.
A great many droll characters and bright, shrewd
men are met with among hotel proprietors wherever
you go. "The Fat Contributor was lecturing once in
the State of Kentucky, and had occasion to take din-
ner at a six-bit hotel. After the meal Mr. Griswold
stepped up to the counter, took out a bale of bank
]ILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS
notes, which he had received for his lecture the evening
before, and asked what might be the damage.
Three dollars," said the blue grass gentleman, who
had buttoned his collar with a tenpenny nail, while he
looked at Gris with a pained expression.
"Yes, but a man ought to be able to board here a
week for three dollars. The whole house didn't cost
more than forty or forty-five dollars. What's your idea
in charging me three dollars for a wad of hominy and
a piece of parched pork ? "
"Well, sir," said the urbane landlord, as he put out
the fire at a distance of twenty feet by emptying his
salivary surplus on it, I need the money ?"
The frankness and open, candid manner of the man
won Mr. Griswold, and he asked him if he thought
three dollars would be enough. The landlord said he
could get along with that. Then Griswold opened his
valise and took out a large brunette bottle of liniment
marked "for external use." He passed it over to the
landlord, and told him that he would find this stuff
worked as well on the inside as it did on the outside.
In a few moments the liniment of the Fat Contrib-
utor" and the lineaments of the landlord had merged
into each other, and a friendly feeling sprang up be-
tween the two men which time has never effaced. I
have often thought of this, and wondered why it is that
hotel men are not more open and cordial with their
guests. Many a time I have paid a large bill grudg-
ingly when I would have done it cheerfully if the land-
lord had told me he was in need.
I had intended to speak at some length on the new
rope law, by which every man is made his own vigi-
OLD AND NEW.
lance committee; but I feel that I am already encroach-
ing on the advertising space, and so will have to omit
it. In conclusion, I will say that the American hotels
are far preferable to those we have in Paris in many
:ays, and not only outstrip those of England and the
Continent, even as a corps de ballet outstrips a tobog-
gan club, but they seem to excel and everlastingly
knock the ancient hotels of Carthage, Rome and Tie
PITY FOR SAD-EYED HUSBANDS.
If women would spend their evenings at home with
their husbands, they would see a marked change in the
brightness of their homes. Too many sad-eyed men
are wearing away their lives at home alone. Would
that I had a pen of fire to write in letters of living
light the ignominy and contumely and-some more
things like that, the names of which have escaped my
memory-that are to-day being visited upon my sex.
Marriage is, to a man, at once the happiest and sad-
dest event of his life. He quits all the companions
and associations of his youth, and becomes the chief
attraction of a new home. Every former tie is loos-
ened, the spring of every hope and action is to be
changed, and yet he flees with joy to the untrodden paths
before him. Then woe to the woman who can blight
such joyful anticipations, and wreck the bright hopes
of the trusting, faithful, fragrant, masculine blossom,
and bang his head against the sink, and throw him
under the cooking range, and kick him into a three-
cornered mass, and then sit down on him.
WILLIAM NYE VISITS ROYALTY FROM THE HOME OP
THE HAM SANDWICH.
Queen Kapiolani Receives the Distinguished Littirateur
in State-A Robust, Healthful Queen-Sandwich
Business and Court Matters-The Swallow-tail Coat
in the Sandwich Islands.
The sun was just slipping out the back door of the
West and hunting for the timber of New Jersey as
Queen Kapiolani, at her rooms in the Victoria Hotel,
received a plain, rectangular card, printed in two kinds
of ink at the owner's steam job office, containing the
following brief but logical statement:
S. 1.. .1 -.. .... . ... .
Wilhelm Von Nyj,
Litt6rateur and Danseuse.
On the back of the card the Von Nyj arms had been
emblazoned with a rubber stamp. Down-stairs, near
the dais of the night clerk, stood a gayly caparisoned
yet cultivated cuss, pouring over a late volume of the
city directory. He was the author of these lines.
Scarcely an hour had elapsed when a tinted octavo
page who waits on the Queen, slid down the stair-rail
and told me that her Royal Highness would receive
me in state as soon as she could change her dress.
Later on I was ushered into the presence of Queen
Kapiolani, who was at the time accompanied by her
suite and another gentleman whose name I did not
I HELD HE BACK AND ASS D HER THAT DID ----OT DNK
"I HELD HER BACK AND ASSURED HER THAT I DID NOT DRINK."