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Wuerffel names new UF president
Flint Hall: renovation in our time
Capaldi treated for chemical dependency
UF @ Waldo
April First Edition
Wuerffel Named New UF President
Chancellor Sacks Lombardi
As is well known to our fanati-
cal readers, the scholarly sub-
missions that comprise this
annual April journal come to us sur-
reptitiously and anonymously (under
the door and over the transom). Our
contribution is to edit out any residue
of taste before assembling these manu-
scripts for our readership.
So OK, now listen up; here is the of-
ficial CLAS Disclaimer: The similarity
of anyone mentioned in this issue to
ANY character (living or semi-coma-
tose), particularly those associated with
Tallahassee or Tigert Hall, would arise
strictly in the twisted and bizarre mind
of the reader.
We in the editorial office of CLAS find
it shocking that faculty and staff could be
mislead about our intentions. Each year
we are plagued by calls, cards, and let-
ters from readers who take this April 1st
issue seriously. For whatever malformed
reason, they find it compelling to believe
that these stories are based on real life
occurrences. Or that we are attempting
to parody some person or real academic
It should be clear to the observing
reader that our authors must strain
their imagination to the utmost to find
anything untoward to parody at this
university. And let it be known once and
for all that we would never, never (well,
hardly ever) impugn the intentions of
our esteemed leadership.
Finally, let me point out that all our
printed matter is run before the CLAS
Editorial Review Board (Larry, Moe, and
Curly), who have found nothing that
offends their sense of style.
Alfred E. Newman
Dr. Lombardi grudgingly turns
over the reins of power to newly
appointed President Wuerffel.
Chancellor Charles Reed
that Danny Wuerffel has been
named the new president of the Uni-
versity of Florida. A hastily arranged
inauguration ceremony at Florida
Field drew some 75,000 people to
cheer on the change in UF leader-
Reed indicated that he and the
Board of Regents have long wished
to do something meaningful for
education at UF "We've been accused
of not always knowing what we're
doing, but this time we got it right,"
said Reed. "Besides," he added, "this
seemed to be the only honor Danny
Wuerffel's salary was announced
as $1,200,000 per year. "Wouldn't
want him to make less than Steve,"
It was also revealed that an
obscure clause in the state statutes
permits the president to participate
in one extracurricular activity of his
choice at the university. Wuerffel
announced that he plans to use that
eligibility to continue quarterback-
ing the Gators into the indefinite
Reed said this had nothing at all
to do with the change in presidents,
but noted that John Lombardi "ab-
solutely wasted" his eligibility by
electing to play clarinet in the Gator
band. "And I think he was actually
faking it," said Reed. "Who can tell
in such a big band?"
The Chancellor also praised the
language style of the new president,
who frequently calls upon a higher
power. Reed notes, "Lombardi often
used the Lord's name too, but it
comes out a bit different."
Wuerffel maintains that being
both president and quarterback
should not affect significantly his
relationship with head coach Steve
Spurrier. "Of course," promised
Wuerrfel, "if he tosses that gosh
darn visor on me one more time, he's
When asked about his future
plans, Lombardi indicated he was
going back to his "first love teach-
ing." The Department of History
plans to accommodate his wishes
with an annual eight-course teaching
Flint Hall: Renovation in Our Time
The latest scheme to fund the reno-
vation of historic Flint Hall, boarded
up and unused for the past 19 years,
was introduced at a news conference
by President John "Don't-say-I-never-
helped" Lombardi. The heralded solu-
tion is a special cookie sale (see product
"I want everybody in CLAS to get
behind this effort, and with their help,
this is a sure-fire success," said Lom-
bardi. "Hey, we all know that I believe
CLAS to be the heart and soul of the
university, and as an historian myself,
I have a deep and abiding respect for
our historic buildings."
"Anything I can do, short of actually
providing funds, is very high on my
priority list. I'll be right out there on
the street corners with Dean Harrison
selling these wonderful Flint Hall Cook-
A subdued Harrison, appearing
beside Lombardi, indicated he was
"simply thrilled" about the prospect of
selling the Flint Hall delicacies. "Only
4,000,000 of these puppies to sell and
Ho, Ho, Ho, Yourself!
A shocked Santa Claus emerges
from his recent budget hearing
in the College Office.
the building is ours again," he sighed.
"Obviously, this is so much more
satisfying than gaining state funds," he
added. "And besides, I certainly couldn't
expect us to move ahead of the new
$20,000,000 building allocated for the
College of Mortuary Science."
"Absolutely not," agreed the presi-
dent. "After all, CMS has increased their
body count students, I mean from
10 to 50 over the past 20 years. Any 500%
increase like that deserves a new build-
Regent Steve Uhlfelder has presented
the latest proposal in his comprehensive
program to review and evaluate faculty in
the SUS, with the stated aim of weeding
out incompetents, misfits, and laggards.
This stimulating new initiative is called
Post Retirement Review (PRR).
Uhlfelder, reviewing his long-term
interest in faculty life, lamented still the
failure of his former efforts to remove
tenure, which led him next to propose
Post Tenure Review. After seeing that
movement also "founder upon the rocks
of disinterest," he now has issued his
latest and most sinister proposal, Post
"If they won't let me get those d-
- -faculty while they are employed,"
Uhlfelder noted, "I'll get them in their
homes, I'll get them in their retirement
villages. After all, they're still drawing
a pension, aren't they? And besides,
I saw one of them mowing the yard
ing. CLAS has merely tripled over that
period, so they have a long way to go
In off-the-record comments to re-
porters afterwards, Lombardi indicated
he was really getting tired of Harrison's
"bellyaching" about Flint Hall and his
insistence that more classrooms were
needed. "Listen, I've checked this
out carefully. There's lots of available
teaching space from midnight to 6 AM.
When they use those slots effectively,
Wednesday afternoon, and you know
my position on that."
Uhlfelder's proposal calls for each
retired faculty member to prepare a
PRR portfolio covering critical produc-
tivity measures such as courses taught,
research grants obtained, students
advised, classrooms swept out, etc.
When reminded that these were
not normal faculty assignments in
the retirement agreements, Uhlfelder
responded, "Listen, I keep telling you
that faculty are basically deadbeats
who will get away with whatever they
can. I say hold their feet to the fire all
the way to the end. And I mean The
Uhlfelder announced that he would
be happy to answer any further ques-
tions about his proposal. "Just call
my office anytime during my normal
working hours of 10-11AM, Tuesday
and Thursday (except holidays)."
Flint Hall Cookies
"Buy One for the College"
Post Retirement Review
Capaldi Treated for Chemical Dependency
"I never had a clue" John Lombardi
An in-depth investigation by courageous CLAS report-
ers has revealed that Provost Elizabeth D. (Betty) Capaldi,
the first woman ever named as chief academic officer of UF,
was secretly admitted for a chemical dependency problem
earlier this semester.
Confronted with the evidence, Capaldi has now admit-
ted that she is indeed a recovering chocaholic.
This cover-up occurred during the New Year's holiday
period when she visited New Orleans, ostensibly to see
the Gators kick butt in the Sugar Bowl. However, she was
instead spirited away to the Martha Stewart Center for
Chocolate Abuse where she underwent a rigorous detoxi-
There Capaldi was force-fed a foul tasting Indian tea
which permanently altered her DNA by destroying the
dominant chocolate gene. "Actually, everything tastes like
hell now," bemoaned Capaldi.
"But none of this is my fault, you know; it was all my
parents' doing," she argued. "Yes, it's true, I was choco-
late abused at home. They kept this highly addictive drug
always available, right out in the open. What chance did
a kid have?"
Capaldi explained, "It all started during Christmas with
Brach's Chocolate Covered Cherries, which next led me
to abuse Whitman's Samplers, and then I became danger-
ously into Fannie Mae products. Finally, I was taken over
the edge one day by a chocolate pusher who introduced
me to the most deadly variety Belgian chocolates."
Capaldi paused, searching for words. "After that, it was
Provost Capaldi warning CLAS students to "Just say no."
all downhill. The guilt, the shame. At one point, I even
forced one of my loyal employees to smuggle chocolates
back from Brussels. I was at the end of my rope, and even
someone as naive as Lombardi was starting to suspect. I
had to come out of the closet."
"They say I'm fine now. These occasional temper tan-
trums and withdrawal twitches are supposed to be only
Car Thieves Hit UF
Late Af ternoon
University Police were startled last week to find an entire block of cars stolen overnight. No motive for the sudden
disappearance was available. "Most of these vehicles were old faculty clunkers, anyway," said one officer. "I can't
imagine who would want them."
An Idea Whose Time Has Come
Associate Dean Chuck Frazier unveiled the latest
plan for UF's ever expanding academic imperial-
ism. Drawing upon
the great success
enjoyed by his
UF@Santa Fe pro-
gram, bold moves
are underway to
two, namely the
takeover of greater
~. campus (or UF
iI Northeast, as it
will be known)
has many poten-
" i t tial advantages for
an ambitious insti-
c e tuition like ours,"
S"First, it has
Chuck Fr r sprts the ffl virtually unlimited
Chuck Frazier sports the official parking opportu-
headgear of the CLAS Parking Czar nities, which is the
consideration in academic matters today," insisted
Frazier, the infamous Parking Czar at UF
He explained that for 1997-98, all student parking
permits will be reassigned to Waldo. In addition, all
faculty who complain about anything, but most particu-
larly the RA tuition charges, will also find their parking
privileges transferred to Waldo. "However," he noted,
"be assured that efficient shuttle buses will run twice
A key element in this transaction is evidently the
train depot in Waldo. "How many towns this size can
claim to be on the Amtrak system," asked Frazier?
"And what large city is just uprail from Waldo? That's
right, Jacksonville. Can you say 'Big Bucks', boys and
Plans presently being developed in Academic Affairs
call for high technology people-movers, "Otherwise
known as cattle cars," explained Frazier, to transport
thousands of students early each morning from the city
- and back late in the day for classes at Waldo's UF
campus. "Today Jacksonville, tomorrow the world."
Finally, he announced that the new UF ownership
would retain "the guaranteed fund raising mechanism,
the famous Waldo Speed Trap."
"By lowering the speed limit to 10 MPH and extend-
ing the jurisdiction to include all parking lots, where
the really fast driving takes place, program growth will
be assured," smiled a gleeful Frazier.
UF@Waldo: Creative management at work.%
Post Partum Tracking
"It's Never Too Early"
The outstanding success of the recently introduced
Universal Tracking program has led to its next logical
step. President Lombardi issued Executive White Paper
No. 847, which describes the gist of the new directive.
"The current policy of requiring students to declare an
academic major as apart of the admissions application has
been wildly successful," declared Lombardi, "but it does
have some minor faults. Primarily, I'm concerned that we
still allow students too much wasted time thinking about
"We thought first about requiring students to select a
UF major in middle school, but even that seemed late,"
intoned Lombardi. "So we are now implementing, in
conjunction with Shands, our latest tracking policy Post
Partum Tracking. Why not begin right away?"
"I know some misguided folks will suggest this as a
tad early to make life-defining decisions. They will say we
are jumping the gun. They will say the thought process
is not quite mature. They will say the kid could make a
mistake at that stage. Well, I say Tough Cookies! Every
kid on its own bottom."
The president continued, "The most important consid-
eration here is that we will be able to plan for these future
students. We will have the sections ready, the faculty
hired, and a full curriculum laid out."
"By the time the infant and its mother are dismissed
from the hospital we will hand them a four-year class
schedule and an assigned seat at Commencement," Lom-
bardi said. "Is that great planning or what?"
Any Port in a Storm
Associate Provost David Colburn
asks for directions to Tigert Hall.