|UFDC Home||myUFDC Home | Help ||
|New moon discovered|
|US News and World Report says...|
|Brain teaser 3000|
ALL VOLUMES CITATION SEARCH THUMBNAILS PDF VIEWER PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
This item has the following downloads:
|Table of Contents|
New moon discovered
US News and World Report says 'relax'
Brain teaser 3000
SMILE FOR A BETTER i I
UF adopts first comprehensive dental pro-
gram, improving the university one smile at a
time. Actual visits to a dentist not included.
nd clear of falling administrators. Today's Lucky Numbers: 7, i and e.
JOBS.UFL.EDU WORKS FOR YOU
Applying for a new job is more fun than ever since UF purchased Monster.com's
employment software engine. Implementation so far includes adding a gator head
to the Monster.com logo. Future plans include changing the website's slogan to
"YOU the GATOR!" because wacky hijinks make everything easier. A
BMivLAgtAei Coh&Lujd o j H PPY Pu NT
On Friday, the UF campus celebrated the 100th Bridges Advisory. "It was an event like
this campus hadn't seen since the sesquicentennial...and will not likely be
seen again until the 100th anniversary of students in Gainesville. This is a $1 million grant from the National Endowment for the I
truly a special time in the history of the university," gushed Diane Craig study the effects of graduate students teaching all his class
while typing the 101st advisory. Image consultant Joseph Murphy requested is fantastic," cheered Hatch. "Not only can I hole up in rr
that no bridge photos or graphics be included in the celebration publicity materi- dedicate this year to pursuing painfully esoteric research,
als, as that would be "too literal." do a lick of real work. Google, here I come!" Hatch bel
end his money grubbing days of using his classes as a
his books, CDs, t-shirts, and ball ca s-all of which w
V Xsso cOO
mqUFL Pertal Update
The UF portal has been updated to a new easier, faster system.
Users will no longer need to log onto the portal via the internet.
As of April 1, employees will be issued an abacus, a carrier
pigeon, and a lighter to start smoke signals. "Through
trial and error, and many months of inten-
sive research, we have learned that sim- -
pie is better," smiled Chief Information
Officer Mark Hoit while happily clacking
away on his abacus. "This new data-track-
ing system also has solved every security
issue, as all content is now stored in our
SChildcare & Energy Crisis Solved!
This year's Davis Productivity Award goes to Jane Dominguez for her innovative solution to
both UF's energy crisis and childcare crunch. Her new system involves feeding the young gators
sugary snacks and placing them in oversized hamster wheels attached to generators so the little
tykes can run off the buzz. "Everyone benefits," states Ms. Dominguez. "After all, everyone knows that
exercise is good for kids." Future plans include using OPS child labor to install wind turbines over Tigert Hall
to capitalize on the copious hot air that emanates from that region of campus.
New Associate Dean of Microkelvinomics Burrh Phrosti was recently appointed to determine the
validity of the Microkelvin Lab's claim to be the coldest spot on earth, after recent allegations raised by
Sherry Feagle that her office in Turlington Hall was, in fact, much colder. Unfortunately, Dean Phrosti
melted during his first Board of Trustees meeting in March. A coroner report links his demise to the
meeting's volatile mixture of hot air and even hotter tempers. Phrosti's coal buttons were willed to the UF
Power Plant to help alleviate the campus energy crisis and hopefully relight every other light fixture.
Starting April 1, everyone on
campus is required to wear
Gator Orange and Gator
Blue clothing at all times.
This includes faculty and
staff, as well as students.
No exceptions. Please
see the new UF Style
Guide for details.
BRAIN TEASER 3000
1. Runs the bestest
3. Is the most stable
4. Is as easy as pie.
6. We love.
8. Its initials are PS.
9. Ready for prime
10. Loves hugs.
11. Speeds purchas-
12. Simplifies hiring.
2. Eases frustrations.
5. Kisses babies.
6. Developed in
7. Bridges troubled
8. An Oracle of our
"After nearly 100 years of being the UF
R&R," mused Albert, flipping through Tasty
Pets Monthly magazine. The Logohead Family
is replacing Albert & Alberta in Fall 2006. "We
have enough gators elsewhere on campus," says
Jeremy Foley, Director of Athletics. "We need
sponsorships. We need to diversify."
10. Better than
11. 1 D ten-T proof.
13. Guarantees jobs.
14. A friend to
15. The quicker picker
Every good foundation
begins with a hole.
CLAS News & Publications
All the news unfit to print.