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UF Bank collapses
Around the college
Capaldi: how to win SCH game
The Apostle II
April 1, 1998
Vol. 12 The University of Florida College of Liberal Arts and Sciences
Microsoft Uber Alles
The CLAS computer policy that
favors PCs over Macs has been
questioned by some benighted
individuals (not you, Dr. Lombardi).
They see Apple making a dramatic
turnaround. They also see Elvis at
Don't they realize that Microsoft
has blitzkrieged the world into
submission? Don't they understand
the philosophy according to Gates?
So the CLAS computer policy has
now been rewritten, simplified, and
(we assume) made completely clear
to everyone. It goes as follows:
You vill use das PC,
und you vill like it!
What's so hard to understand?
Of course, there will remain some
scattered resistance. Certain fanatics
will suggest that there should be
choices, that they actually know as
much as the College about computer
selection. Ha, fat chance!
Some will also question the
propriety of a recent gift from
Microsoft that created a Dean's
Office-West in Seattle, but it should
be perfectly clear that this played no
role in the College decision chain.
And they may also ask, "If the PC
is so great, why is the entire College
Office still equipped with Macs?"
This is a reasonable question, which
ought to have a reasonable answer.
Hmm..... We'll get back to you on
But come on, folks. Get on board.
Obviously, it is just a matter of time
before the country reaches computer
Nirvana a PC on every desk.
Today CLAS, tomorrow
UF Bank Collapses
Lombardi Blames El N io
President Lombardi avoided cameras after the announcement of the collapse. He was
heard muttering, "I knew we should have joined the FDIC."
n what could only be com-
pared to the infamous Black
October of 1929, President
Lombardi announced this week
the stunning and utterly unexpect-
ed collapse of University of Florida
Bank. In the aftermath, UF deans
were spotted running frantically to
withdraw whatever remained of
their college resources. This was
made more difficult by the fact that
the location of the UF Bank had
been a closely held secret, shown
here for the first time in this inves-
tigative CLAS notes photo, above.
Lombardi, speaking ex cathedra,
said the UF Bank's failure was no
one's fault, least of all his. Call-
ing it "an act of that Big Banker in
the Sky," the president indicated
that El Nifo had so eroded public
confidence that this carried over
directly to trust in fundamental
institutions. "Mark my word, the
Stock Market is next," he predict-
Lombardi said he felt particularly
sympathetic for the deans, who
were such strong advocates of the
Bank. "They are simply devastat-
ed," he said. One dean, who asked
not to be identified, said it was
a clearly a demoralizing blow to
college administration. "How will
we ever be able to measure Quality
without the Bank?" he sighed. "I
may just slit my wrists."
Lombardi was asked about
reported flights his office hastily
booked on SwissAir. "Nonsense,"
said the President, "that was
Capaldi, who I understand is now
busy learning to yodel."
"I do, however, have several
extended academic trips scheduled
to the Cayman Islands, where I plan
to establish a high powered think-
tank, the Institute for Really Big
Ideas in Higher Education. I can be
reached at www.Lombardi.com."
Around the College
Will Harrison has been named Humanitarian of the
Year by Atlantic Southeast Airlines (ASA). The award
consists of a one-way ticket out of Gainesville on any
day that ASA is actually flying.
Chairman Neil Sullivan reports that his department has
outgrown the new $33 million dollar Physics Building
and will need a sizable addition ASAP.
Les Thiele has been granted a one-year leave of absence
to go on tour with the Chippendales.
Sue Rosser announced that the Center for Women's
Studies and Gender Research is shifting its efforts to
a more needed area and will henceforth be called the
Center for the Study of Guys, Good Old Boys, and Other
Strange Life Forms.
CLAS College Assembly
10:00 PM -April 31, 1998 Purple Porpoise
Agenda: Approval of Constitution Revisions
Quorum of 60 Faculty Required
(Free Drinks to the First 60 Attendees)
Classics Prof Seeks Governor's Mansion
ment of Religion,
has thrown her hat
into the Governor's [.
race in Florida.
Running as the
candidate of her
Dickison said that
most people needed
what she was .
offering, particular- T ERA.l I
ly the two other
candidates. FOR s
"And I ask you," 6C 7, R EO?RM
she said, "would
you really vote
for anyone named
Buddy or Jeb? Dickison on the campaign trail.
These guys sound
like something off a TV sit-com."
Dickison recently announced her campaign slogan as:
"Women who seek equality with men lack ambition."
Surprise Tenure Revelations Sabin Keeps CLAS on Cutting Edge
Beloved Board of Regents chair Steve (Let the Sunshine
In) Uhlfelder held a press conference (see photo) in
Tallahassee to announce that he had been awarded Tenure
for Life at the SUS university of his choice. "I plan to hold
an auction in which I will go to the highest bidder," said
Uhlfelder. "And that better be UF, if a certain president
knows what's good for him."
"I believe that my many talents would be most fully
captured by joint Eminent Scholar positions in Law,
Brain Surgery, and Poultry Science. But I recognize what
great disappointment this will bring to all the remaining
academic units, where I will hold only adjunct positions."
The tenure action by the BOR evidently took place
during their recent Sunshine meeting held in St. Tropez,
noted the well
and fully in
of the Sunshine
Laws, which we
all know was to
irritate the hell out
Uhlfelder announces tenure plans.
system at a
and easy to
CLAS Director of Computing Jack Sabin recently
unveiled a new state-of-the-art phone system which he
predicted will "revolutionize College communications."
The project's critics, who have denigrated the proposed
equipment, calling it "a fancily dressed version of the
old tin-can-on-a-string system," insist that College money
could be better spent educating faculty on how to use the
current system. Sabin called these reactions"nonsense,"
and added, "some people will always be afraid of cutting-
How to Win SCH Game
Provost Gives Tips to CLAS
Editor's note: Provost Elizabeth Capaldi recently appeared before the CLAS College
Assembly. Her recorded comments are reproduced below.
Hi, and thanks for inviting me. Let
me first point out that I remembered
to show up, unlike some other
person in Tigert whom I could
mention, but won't.
So the topic for today is student
credit hours and how CLAS can best
compete with other UF colleges. This
is actually a no-brainer. Just give
the students what they want. This
is the sure way to attract students to
your courses. And students are the
university, as you know.
I've tried to explain this to your
dean, but he just doesn't get it. I hate
to say this, but I think he's really
out of touch with higher education
today. A real boat anchor. For
example, he has this outdated idea
that we're here to offer intellectually
stimulating courses for the students.
Wrong! Won't work today. And he
insists on using the Q-word. Can
you believe it? I've told him and told
him that quality is not a '90s concept.
Actually, I'm afraid he's whiffed a
few too many fumes in the old chem
lab, if you know what I mean.
What do the students want, you
ask? TV courses, lots of TV courses,
patterned pretty much after MTV.
Let them have what they want, when
they want it.
And another thing. We need to
discuss grades. CLAS faculty have
the outdated habit of assigning these
D and F
require them to study and pass? If
Stanford can give everyone an A, so
See how easy all this could be? And
remember, I'm always here when you
need good advice.%
000000a00a *0*0*** *00000000000000000000000000000
Linguist Marie Nelson Takes Action
"I'II show those deconstructionists!"
UF police are trying to piece together the motives of Marie Nelson, normally mild-
mannered director of Linguistics, who went on a destructive rampage recently.
Nelson was reportedly more than mildly peeved at the literary elitists of CLAS who
maintain that theory is everything. "Actually, I was PDPO," said Nelson.
Shoving aside startled construction workers, Nelson highjacked an idling Caterpillar
(photo left), proceeded to level most of Dauer Hall and was moving menacingly toward
Turlington when apprehended by UF police.
"Tell those post-modernists they can salute my post-erior," yelled Nelson. "I've just had
it with them dissing linguistics. And if they think this was bad, wait till they see what I
can do with an F-15."
The Florida Book Lover's
Guide to Kevin McCarthy
Publications by Kevin
Pineapple University Press
(review taken from bookjacket)
In this painstakingly
researched volume, Kevin
McCarthy provides in-depth
analysis of his previous work
as well as candid speculation
about possible future projects like
More African Americans in Florida
and A Mixed Bag: Florida Stories
About All Kinds of Things. McCarthy
Book 1Tovr's Guide
to Kevini McCarthy
really knows his
stuff. The Florida
Book Lover's Guide
to Kevin McCarthy
Publications is a
and Floridians alike.
If you're a book lover who is a novice
on Florida literature, I ,I. t starting
with Florida Stories, but if you've
got a bit of experience reading about the
sunshine state-say, from reading Florida
Lighthouses -you might choose to start
instead with More Florida Stories, or
20 Florida Pirates, or even 30 Florida
While all of my books are for book
lovers-and none more so than A Book
Lover's Guide to Florida-bibliophiles
who also happen to be sports enthusiasts
willfind Baseball in Florida to be the
perfect beach read. If you liked Nine
Florida Stories by Marjory Stoneman
Douglas, you'll love my soon-to-be-
published Other Florida Stories by
Marjory Stoneman Douglas.
The Apostle II
Coming soon to a theater near you. Gator Flicks, the
new film studio setting up shop in Gainesville,
announced plans for its first production The
Apostle II, starring John V. Lombardi as the Apostle JV.
"It's a natural," said Robert Ray, resident film director
and part-time punk rocker. "We have enough footage
already from his appearance at various university events,
particularly the Soiree at the Swamp, to piece together
most of the film. And as we know, Lombardi has been
nominated for numerous Best Actor awards during his
time at UF."
"We had reached a tentative agreement with Robert
Duvall to play the role of a slick, itinerant minister who
travels the university circuit, fleecing I mean soliciting
- faculty and students."
"But," Ray continued, "after hearing Apostle JV
mesmerize a crowd of students on the Turlington Plaza,
Duvall withdrew from the process, saying he was clearly
an amateur con man compared to Lombardi."
The film, expected to run about 8 hours in length,
will also feature several bit part actors, including Steve
Uhlfelder, Adam Herbert, Charlie Reed, Dennis Ross, and
the Energizer Bunny.
The Apostle JV urges his followers to "give till it hurts."
Ray indicated that there was still one potential hitch in
the arrangements, as Lombardi's performance is subject to
potential censorship by a three person Cinematic Oversight
Panel established by the Board of Regents.%
Defender of Lost Causes
An Interview with the Conscience of CLAS, Mike Radelet
Cn: What led you to take up the
cause of death-row inmates
MR: Well, first, I am filled
with the milk of human
kindness. Second, I get
invited to be on some neat
talk shows, which is a great
place to meet chicks.
Cn: Are all the people on death
row victims of a judicial system
MR: Yes, that, and the fact
that they're mean as hell.
Cn: Did you ever meet a death
row inmate you didn't like?
MR: Are you kidding? These folks are scary dudes. We
don't have to kill them, mind you, but for God's sake,
never let them out.
Cn: So you are absolutely opposed to the death penalty.
MR: Well, yes, although I might make an exception for a
few people in my department.
Cn: How do you like your job as chair of Sociology?
MR: This is probably the best job in CLAS, since
sociologists as a whole are renowned for their friendly,
gregarious nature. They have a natural grasp of social
graces and interpersonal skills that assure friendly group
dynamics and close working relationships.
Cn: You're sailing iyo can't stand sociologists.
Cn: What has been the most difficult part of your chair job so
MR: Coming to work.
Cn: Tell us about the new TV show you plan to host.
MR: It's a talk show format where I get to interview
famous UF celebrities like David Colburn. I don't have to
tell you how thrilling that will be. It's not every day you
can interview someone who is a Vice Provost and Senior
Associate Vice President. I get a little tingly just thinking
Cn: Thank you, Mike, for this very candid interview.
MR: Is the tape still running? I have lots more opinions.
Cn: Give it up, Mike. It's over.%