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The Florida alligator
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the students of the University of Florida
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29.665245 x -82.336097


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Vol. 1, no. 1 (Sept. 24, 1912)-v. 65, no. 74 (Jan. 31, 1973).
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Preceded by:
Orange and blue
Succeeded by:
Independent Florida alligator

Full Text
w w I H I H \ p* S V I l U
Florida .- s|
4HM99pfA*| If -*4^-
Vol. 58, No. 65 University of Florida Tuesday, December 7, 1965
* Nostalgically Reminisces..
y!f4' jm
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Page 2

The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

If you're tired of your present pad
or if the owner is tired of you it's not
too early to begin the search. Here arc P/hf
a few thoughts arid a little advice on T Ijf
extra-legal apartment hunting by an U A
anonymous authority who in one se- fpr *' nf|oMpTv Jtt
mester was kicked out of two apart- uv '* \ V
ments and fled from two others.
L 4m Ai^N*
niuH Ik ~' H
£ nd . CM 47! '2 *( II C ~
ruoEh om y
,55m 4 CHARLATAN, 64 -'

Down through the ages, univer university
sity university students have been regularly
preyed upon by state legislatures,
college town establishments and
even the administration. But the
students, in their concern over the
more spectacular crises (higher
tuition, the proliferation of the
roach, sexual abstinence, bad foot football
ball football seasons), often overlook the
more subtle exploitation by the
college townsfolk which goes on
all the time: rent and housing.
Any student who has been driven
by a reeking dormitory atmos atmosphere
phere atmosphere to seek a private apartment
knows the fun and adventure of this
sport. He knows the hours of patient
preparation, searching the blinding
columns of classified ads. He
knows the thrill of the chase,
walking, walking and walking. And
he knows the exhilaration of the
First Encounter withaTowne Land
Ladye, fierce in her old age, who
crouches snarling and spitting be behind
hind behind a rusty screendoor and cack cackling
ling cackling such phrases as, How much
*ave ye got?, fiftye dollares
deposit, Yeve got to signe thee
contract, Fll hold with no wim wimmin
min wimmin er dr inkin, and, take care,
or yell ave thee Dean sicd on ye! *
As everyone knows, practically
no one is permitted to live in a
private apartment . one must
live in housing approved by the
university. And as everyone also
knows, only freshmen engineers
and mental vegetables comply with
the regulations and sell their souls
into the bondage of university
approved living quarters.
What university approved
means is that the school is rela relatively
tively relatively certain that the landlady,
who must live on the property, is
running a home and not a house;
does not traffic in white slaves,
dope, or illegitimate children; nor
does she permit such insidious
practices as keeping beer in the
icebox. In return for the motherly
care of her charges, the university
backs her to the hilt on deposits,
evictions and rental contracts.
These contracts themselves are
enough to drive students to drink, if
regulations would permit. Once the
papers are drawn up, the doors
clang shut for one semester, some sometimes


times sometimes two, and an inmate cannot
leave or violate a rule without
jeopardizing his contract-required
deposits. Dont rest too easy if old
mother-away-from-home refers
to the deposit as a mere techni technicality
cality technicality or as a practically mean meaningless
ingless meaningless scrap of paper it
becomes as real as a spiked club
when Maw wants to hang it on you.
If these inconveniences shy stu students
dents students away from approved
housing, conditions arent a hell of
a lot better in unapproved real
estate. But any cell is more en endurable
durable endurable if the door isnt locked.
The best answer the only answer
is to bear in mind the problems
and cast out on your own in a
grail-like search for comfort, pri privacy
vacy privacy and reasonable price.
Actually, these are found only at
the ends of rainbows, but some do
come closer than others.
The first thing to do, of course,
is to buy newspapers. Explore the
for rent columns and seize upon
.anything which reads something
like, Three rooms, very private
apt., near University, utilities
paid, cheap . Dont take this
too seriously, of course. Cheap
may mean SIOO per month, three
rooms may mean 30 square feet,
and near University may mean six
blocks east of the Agricultural
Experiment Station. Watch for that
word efficiency. An efficiency
apartment generally means a con converted
verted converted one-car garage and if its
called clean it means nobody
will live there.
Check the address, when given,
and avoid anything too close to
school. Within five blocks of the
campus is a poor bet the owner
obviously lives off of students and
is still mad from the last time one
of them shot holes in the down downstairs
stairs downstairs ceiling or did his wood woodburning
burning woodburning on the walls. Close-in
apartments seem to attract clods
who recoup their rent losses
through property damage making
landlords understandably cynical
toward subsequent collegians. Al Also,
so, Also, close-in apartments draw high higher
er higher prices, and the high student
population density in such areas
produces inbred cockroaches
which grow bigger and meaner than
their persecuted relatives a few
blocks further out.
Best stay Further Out, where
apartments are more private,
cheaper, further from the boarding
house districts and less under the
eye of the anti-student neighbors
The Florida Alligator is an
official publication of the
University of Florida and
is published daily, Monday
through Friday morning
during regular trimester and
twice weekly during summer
trimester, except holidays
and vacation periods.
Entered at U. S. Post Office
at Gainesville as second
class matter.

W, 1

who feel surrounded by something
they dont understand. In regards
to walking, dont sweat it. Twenty
minutes is nothing compared to
what the people with cars will have
to do.
Car owners, in spite of the bleak
parking outlook, do, however, have
the opportunity to squat a few miles
away from the campus and get bet better
ter better apartments for less.
Whatever the size and type
apartment is sought by the dis discriminating
criminating discriminating student, he should give
equal consideration to the landlady.
Landladies can make or break a
good apartment ... and student.
Watch out for the type who cracks
the door one inch and squints out to
inquire if you are a Unyvercity
Studunt. Shes heard about you.
She knows that you are a destruc destructive
tive destructive slob who paints on the wall wallpaper,
paper, wallpaper, breaks the lamps, nails

r -.

dirty pictures to her wall, drinks,
throws wild parties all night, and
who likely (you shouldnt be so
lucky) has a kept woman. Shes
prepared not to like you ...
Just say, Yasm, and quietly
Almost as bad is the other ex extreme
treme extreme tile kindly old Granny
whose only son became a dope dopepusher
pusher dopepusher because she neglected him q
in her church work. Now she feels
guilty and must shower kindness
(and interference) on every found foundling
ling foundling student who stumbles upon her
doorstep. Rent from her and shell
start worrying about your weight,
writing long letters to your mother,
and fretting because you dont get
enough sleep. Shell want to feed
you on Sundays, bring Koolaid on
hot afternoons, and even take you
to church. Nice, you say? Not at
all. It has never occurred to her
that such a nice young man as you
could be guilty of the most heinous
debauchery smoking, drinking
and chasing wimmin. Especially in
her apartment. And for her to find
out would destroy her destroy
her happy illusions of the goodness
of her boys who make her old
age bearable and her charity mean meaningful.
ingful. meaningful.
So. Unless youre a heartless,
degenerate who cares nothing for
the feelings of a struggling old
woman who is trying to be nice,
you will conform. You will con conform
form conform by becoming sly and sneak sneaking,
ing, sneaking, by hiding your beer under the
leaf-lettuce in case she should
kindly slip a bottle of milk into
your refrigerator while youre
gone. Youll pour whiskey into
medicine bottles and keep the glas glasses
ses glasses washed, and introduce your
mistress as your sister. And after
a few months of his hypocrisy,
Blooey! youre scizo. Right down
the middle. And your friends will
never trust you for living a double

A third type of landlady is the
one you want. If you rap timidly
on her door and she throws it open
yawns in your face and says'
Apartment? Yeh. SSO a month,
utilities furnished. Pay the rent
by mail, then this is it. Be cour courteous,
teous, courteous, but not friendly, and imply
that your sins will not damage the
house or annoy the neighbors, and
you wont bother her if she wont
bother you. On this note, strike the
This I- get- money-you- get-pri get-privacy
vacy get-privacy type of apartment owner is
the only tolerable sort with which
to deal, and if the apartment itself
is tolerable, then your only re remaining
maining remaining problem is Ye Deane.
If peace, quiet and privacy is
the ideal arrangement for the stu student,
dent, student, it is completely incompatible
with the university. It is assumed,
in the universitys circles of higher
wisdom, that the happy student is a
sinning student and tithe adminis administration
tration administration is an avowed opponent of
sin. State school, reputation,
mothers daughters, vice, etc. Just
remember that the cards are
stacked against you the little
cards that you sign at registration
that ask where youre living. Best
ploy used to be to check married
and list home address as the name
of the town itself, but some student
directories have now begun to
carry stars beside the names of
married students. This plays hell
with your getting dates.
The schemes now in use dasnt
be put in print lest the dean get
wise (youd never believe how many
of them get this magazine some
even by subscription), so check
with your friends. But, whatever
you do, dont go prancing innocent innocently
ly innocently up to old deanie and asking per permission
mission permission (like the rules require)
or youve had it. You're spotted as
a trouble-maker and noted down in
the little brown book. And you'll
Continued on p. 19

What would I hang my glasses on? 1

v v < 51 '*<
yf* 22 E. University
...The BEST In Brand Names:
Mr Thomson
j**i Bo
Cole of California
XT m o 0
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KK * v ..- -v.
* <* \ * ;

An Adkins Afternoon
Poems by Lieuen Adkins
Poetry is nice. Everyone likes to sit
down and read a good poem. Even
deans like to sit down and read a good CHARLATAN, 64
poem. Good poems are reminiscent of
home, of Mother; of the soft clack of
knitting needles in front of a cheery
fire. Like hell they are. Poems are
reminiscent of an English course you
once flunked.

spf DWARD Haberkrantz had no ears,
And he said, I am handicapped, I fears;
For without my ears I cannot hears,
Â¥ And if you should take my nose from me,
T Why then, of course, I could not see;
For with my nose and ears all gone,
What would I hang my glasses on?
IttHC HENEVER Richard Tory went downtown,
mm He was the object of each staring eye;
ftJHa For Richard was too snobbish to look down
'f* And see that hed forgot to zip his fly.

M MHf{ijr.wcuHn^^v > ^H ,v ** i ? *.w
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And when I meet some in the woods, I have no qualms or fears.
HE aardvark is an animal, exotic, strange, and rare;
llilAnd, except for those that have none, he has quite a lot of hair;
hardly has a tail at all, his eyes are very strong,
i Except for those nearsighted ones whose tails are very long.
1 They only live in Africa; their only food is ants
(Though some prefer to dine on cheese and live in southern France)
Some live alone; some live in pairs; some live in colonies;
The ones with claws dig cozy dens; the others live in trees.
Their appetites are ravenous; they eat their dinners all;
Theyd grow to reach tremendous size if they were not too small.
And when I meet some in the woods, I have no qualms or fears;
I know they cannot harm me, for theyve been extinct for years.
'ST* j ? >, T* :v ? : **-rSKSB
ft.* £-*£*7' i { >--.->
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"Timothy Foo went down to the zoo.
mBKB/BKBBBM Went down to the zoo,
|i|i|||M|Mi||| He would stare
I And the aardvarks too,
And the cockatoo,
And the hlppopotamusses, even.

{ V 3

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

Page 3

Page 4

l, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965


O the palm and pine have blown
and the Southern seas have long
since flown, but how like a fresh
wave of Millhopper water rivulet rivuleting
ing rivuleting across the sands of my brain
is the memory of my dear grand grandfather,
father, grandfather, God rest his soul.
A mountain of a man was he ..
well, more like a molehill in size,
I suppose, but gigantic inspirit...
and as fine a leader of intellectual
advancement as ever trod the sandy
streets of Gainesburg. His was the
job of playing headmaster for the
great big red brick schoolhouse
known as Gatorland (not to be
confused with the beer hall of the
same name), and guiding it to then
unprecedented heights of scholas scholastic
tic scholastic greatness.
He was a Scholar for Dollars, as
it were (at a cool $23,500 per an annum),
num), annum), and gloried in his work,
notwithstanding the fact that he
made less money than the gover governor,
nor, governor, the football coach, the third
attending physician in the medical
centers proctology clinic, and
other emperors of less style and
He was, it may be said, a legend
in his own time. In fact, he used
to often muse out loud to my
grandmother: Franney, I am a
legend in my own time, whereupon
she would smite him mightiliy
with her Mortar Board mortar
board and retort, Wayne, you
know I cant stand that nickname,
whereupon he would wane apathetic
for the rest of the day, mulling
over the legend in Rand-McNallys
1894 World Atlas and wondering

A product of the unquestioned genius and brilliance 0f... __
A IMCfff designed to
___ rnrH you to your aeatf
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LiV f/ltm No mkj "The Budge On
The River K h
Steve Vaughn ft TIW L/ ifcfX nStSSS?
(but not for long) I I BUl^fyf

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where the resemblance came in.
Granpa Gritz wasnt all busi business,
ness, business, though. In his declining
years, when he had successfully
palmed most of his work load off
on the Dean of Student Affairs and
others of his courtiers, he would
sit in the parlor of his great brick
mansion that was second only in
size to the coachs football
stadium, build a roaring fire in the
great fireplace he built himself
out of rocks thrown through his
window by hostile Free University
of Florida malcontents, daintily
spread fertilizer across his Kan Kansas
sas Kansas toadstool collection which he
accumulated himself during offi official
cial official trips abroad, and decline for
us grandchildren.
It is these spreading declines
which' serve up to me and my
brother and sister the fondest
memories of our grandfather.
The tale-spinning sessions were
always spontaneous, delightful and
warm. We children would cluster
around his knobby knees, rub our
cheeks against his faded overalls
and fairly squeal with excitement
as he recounted story after story
about days gone by at Gatorland.
Our favorites were always about
the turbulent times he lived through
during 65, what Granpa Gritz call called
ed called a ding-bustin, rip-snortin,
catterwaulin DOOZY of a year.
Tell us about the time all hell
broke loose, Granpa, wed sqeek
and giggle, and away hed go.
Tarnation, little ones, hed
say. Now, THAT was a year.
Scratching his nose with the end


of his corncob pipe, hed go on:
Why. that was the year them
beat fellers that always smelt bad
decided to go into competition with
Gatorland U. FUF,
FOOF, I said. Aint no bunch
of Bohemians gonna squat near
my land.
Wellsir, we tried to be decent
about it. Offered to givem some
land out near Paynes Prairie
downwind from town, you under understand.
stand. understand. and upwind from the cattle
sos they could go into business
ifn they wanted to.
But nope, they wasnt in no
mood to negotiate. Shucks, I
couldnt understand that highbrow
feller who was adoin all the talk talkin
in talkin for em I recollect he was
OTf of my hired hands and the
way he was plumb ornery about it
Why, I even invited him up to
my office for a spell, to set and
talk it over, man to man. Imember
invitin him to even take off his
shoes and prop his feet up an
then I noticed he didnt have on no
shoes to begin with. Socks neither.

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We children would cluster around his knobby knees."

Like some kind of a heathern.
Wellsir, I told 'im thathimand
his bunch could grow all the beards
and tote all the signs and write all
the colyums they wanted, but they
warnt about to git no progressive

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"He would sit in the parlor of his great brick mansion."

schoolin in to contaminate my
younguns. So, he upped and
stomped outn my office vowin Id
rue the day and all such nonsense
as that.
What happened, Granpa? we
all cried.
Oh, I just had some of the boys
from Plants and Grounds go by and
spray their place with hot soapy
water, he told us. It was too
much for em and they all cleared
What about their place?, we
Heh, he said. Got the boys
from Ag Extension over to just

plow it under. Aint got nothin to
grow there yet, after all these
years. Soils got too much pizen
in it, I reckon.
About this time, Granpa Gritz
would shift around in his rocker
a bit, aim one last time at his
spittoon (we never sat on that side
of the chair), then clench his pipe
between his teeth and maybe
scratch himself some more. One of
us would jump toward the fireplace
to fetch him a lighter knot.
After we settled down again,
one of would say, Tell us about
that wicked budget commission,
and hed be off again.
01 budget commission. Busy Busybody
body Busybody bunch thinkin a feller
didnt know how to take care of
his own pocketbook. Why dadblast
it, I was puttin cash away from
my first money crop afore them
dudes was out of knickers.
We fixed em, though. Come to
find out all our perfessers was
below Mr. President Johnsons low
water mark for wages under the
poverty program. We upped and got
a whoppin big grant from Wash Washington,
ington, Washington, then had so much money to
play with that we was able to jack
up Tigert Hall and not even let
them Tallahassee people in any anymore.
more. anymore. Hee, Hee . .we got so
uppity, we didnt even invite them
to the football games anymore.
Not even the governor?, one
of us exclaimed.
Governor?, Granpa Gritz
puzzled. Oh, the governor. Con Consam,
sam, Consam, I never can remember that

critter's name. He was a freshman
along about that time, and as I
recollect, he never made it above
2UC. Wasnt around long enough for
his name to stick with me. Had a
nickname, though. Slick. Sorta
fitim. too. He disappeared slick
as a whistle.
Failing to understand Granpas
subieties, one of us asked if the
governor had been in school here,
and Granpa said no, that the gover governor
nor governor didnt really give that much of
a hoot' about schools, but that he
did try to four-lane all the roads
on Granpas campus, but that he
didnt get away with it because the

voters were too smart.
Last time I heard, olSlick was
workin in a hair oil factory some somewhere,
where, somewhere, Granpa told us. Seems
he has to have the stuff. Gets the
shakes along about noontime if his
ration dont come through. Hope
hes happy where he is.
We always loved the next ques ques
ques m 1
** 1
"Ain'tgot nothin' to grow
there yet after all these

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"The one I answered to,
or the one that answered
to me?"
tion we asked him. What about
Mr. Culpepper?**, we cried.
Well now,** hed reply. Do
you mean the one I answered to,
or the one that answered to me?
Then wed roll merrily on the floor
laughing about this funny name,
while Granpa Gritz would chide us
gently for teasing him like that.
We children always heard a lot
about the infamous student riots
of the 60s, so sooner or later one
of us would ask Granpa Gritz about
those. The fact is, there were no

"Franney, I am a legend in my own time."

riots only peaceful demon demonstrations
strations demonstrations in 1965. But invar invariably,
iably, invariably, Granpa Gritz would have his
gas mask on and his billy club in
his hand before hed remember
So, hed just reminisce about
riots in general:
Hee, hee . those students
never knew, all those years, that
P i f,
v Wk
jAy I* 1 JH
"He never made it above
2 UC."
I was one of those billy club
swingers! Pretty smart idee, if I
do say so mself. That way I always
knew who was afibbin* and who
wasnt when they all came up be before
fore before the disciplinary committee.
One of them rioters thought he
had me pegged on account of my
clothes, so I just dressed up
Mautz, Philpott, Hale, Brady and
the rest in overalls and clodhop clodhoppers
pers clodhoppers next committee meetin.That
student was plumb di scorn tabu tabulated.
lated. tabulated.
Somebody sneaked a fiddle into

2 UC."

that meetin, I remember, and we
had a hoedown til sunup. Lester
and Marna got so tuckered they
couldnt even pick up the demi-john
towards the end. Hee, hee . I
mean it was a goodun!
And with the memory of it, Gran Granpa
pa Granpa would leap from his chair, grab
Granma Gritz up from her knitting
and proceed to wildly swang that
purty gal all around.
Yeeeeee-hoooo, git it, Fran Franney,*
ney,* Franney,* hed holler, and poor Granma
Gritz, her skirts flying all around
the room, would swoop low, grab
Granpas demi-john and conk him
on the noggin with it as she shouted,
Wayne, you know I cant stand
that nickname.
Then Granpa Gritz would
collapse back into his rocker and
say, I swear, that gal aint been
the same since we come here to
Gainesville and she got all city cityfied.
fied. cityfied. We children, having just
been in a veritable frenzy with all
the commotion, would quietly sit
back down and comfort poor Granpa
until the nostalgia stole away.

It was always right about here
that one of us would burst worth
with, What about the Gators,
Ohhh, hed say, we had a
right smart herd of em around the
campus for awhile. Then I had to
start prunin them back on account
of we kept gittin so dadblame many
students. Granma got some mighty
nice handbags out of the deal, in
case you was wonderin whatever
happened to all those Alberts.
No, no, we cried. The 1965
Fightin Florida Football Gators.
Hmphhh, hed snort. Graves*
Growlers. I never seen such appe appetites.
tites. appetites. Everybody was always
gripin about Food Service vittles.
What th* heck did they expect,
with the Training Room gittin first
choice! Time that hungry herd of
buffaloes got thru, there wasnt
much left to pick from.
Just growin boys,* Graves
would jaw to me. lve slopped
starvin hogs that showed more
restraint, Id say to him. But
weve got five All-Americas,* hed
bawl. Every dang one of em must
have a hollow leg, Id say. And
were goin to the Sugar Bowl,*
hed screech.
Then wed arm-wrestle and Id
put *im down, and Id promise that
I wouldnt tell none of the news newspaper
paper newspaper boys, and hed be so grateful
and wed part friends. Ol Ray was
all right for a Tennessee hillbilly,
I guess, but his arm-wrestlinwas
about on a par with his s pee ch chin
in chin akin.
**l used to get plumb put out with
that boy, the way him and those
chow-hounds of his used to tear up
my garden every Saturday after afternoon.
noon. afternoon. I finally had to give up and
let em mark it off permanent. What
really stuck in my craw was when
they tore down the grapevines from

* 9HEHHHI 4 4s ? mr

my trellises and used em for
goalposts. Dadburned varmints.
We children, impatient with all
these accounts of adult bickering,
would finally be able to contain
ourselves no longer. What about
the game?**, wed wail. Tell us
about the big Sugar Bowl Game,
way down yonder in New Orleans!
Now THAT was a time, Gran Granpa
pa Granpa Gritz would say, and thereby
would hang a tale:
I reckon the Sugar Bowl has
never been the same since or
The French Quarter either, for
that matter.
As I recollect, about 300,000
Gator fans made the trip out to
Louisiana. Warnt room but for
about 40,000 of em in the stadium,
but thats about all that was in good
enough shape to make it to the
game anyway.
On New Years Eve night,
Bourbon Street looked like a Gator Gatorland
land Gatorland Hor f ng with a gover governors
nors governors inai. ion thrown in. They
tell the story about a Marine regi regiment,
ment, regiment, on weekend pass in New
Orleans after 18 months in Viet
Nam, that packed up and went back
to their quarters cause none of
them could stand the pace.
In A1 Hirts place, the trumpet
section of the Fightin Gator Band
didnt think A1 measured up to ex expectations
pectations expectations so they hoisted him up
on their shoulders and carried him
all over town with a big orange
and blue sign around his middle
that said The Biggest Bum In
Dixie. They dressed him out the
next morning and he almost started
at left tackle for Missouri.
A bunch of Gator fans took over
Pete Fountains place and made
poor Pete stand at attention and play
Dixie so much that he lost his lip
and had to take up banjo.
"Lester and Mama got so
tuckered they couldn't
pick up the demi-john
towards the end."

"I was one of those billy club swingers!"

In most of them strip joints,
agents from the strippers union
were up all night checkin I. D.s
on the legitimate working gals and
all the Gatorland coeds that just
got carried away with the occasion.
Down at The Famous Doors, the
Board of Regents got to feelin good

mmmmt&M- ac Nmpi
i> Wl
i I
I ' v-^J?]
/ r r 1 I I
Y fl m
"01 1 Ray was all right for a Tennessee hillbilly, I guess,
but his arm-wrestlin' was about on parwith his speech speechmaking.
making. speechmaking.

and voted Gatorland back on the
semester system so everybody
could stay in New Orleans 'til
February. In Pat O'Brien's, the
Blue Key boys nearly started a riot
with the local folks when they voted
against making Huey Long an hon honorary
orary honorary member (they said he had the
right credentials, but that he was
too redneck), and the only thing
that saved 'em from the mob was
when the fraternity boys in the
group volunteered to teach the
master of ceremonies a whole new
raft of dirty songs.
They still aint settled the law lawsuit
suit lawsuit that come up when a bunch of
our Alumni Association folks got
to feelln' their oats Inside the Ol'
French Opera House. All of 'em
started slngln* We Are The Boys
From 01 Florida and swayed so
much the whole durn building fell
But the windup came at mid midnight.
night. midnight. The football team had a panty
raid planned for Sophie Newcombe

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

College at the stroke of 12, but the
gals turned the tables on em and
kidnapped the whole squad. The
police said they were there and
mighta foiled the whole plot, but
that it looked like the boys just
werent able to put up much of a
fight once the strugglin began.

Reckon they were all tuckered from
practicin' so hard for the big game.
Wellsir, the next day looked
purty portentious for ol' Gator
Ray . purty portentious. He
l 4§.
mm mmypw
ypw mmypw ip|ip|Bp;
"Then we'd arm-wrestle,
and I'd put him down."

Continued on P. 6

Page 5

Page 6

, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

come to me that mormn' with his
ice pack restin on top of them
big ears of his, and he said, Wayne,
Im a little worried about that game
today. Aint but one of my players
in his hotel room, and thats
Baeszler. He sat up all night writin
a column for The Alligator and now
he says hes too tired to play.
Now, Graves,* I said to him,
You always was the excitable type.
Keep your shirt on. If worse comes
to worse, youn me can get a team
together. Important thing is, were
here. Without the team, we might
lose, but them 80,000 screamin
fans and them 20 million TV view viewersll
ersll viewersll dang sure know Gatorland
came to town.*
Wellsir, it commenced to get
on toward game time, so I figured
we better start roundin upateam.
I told Graves mplan: Graves,* I
said, it looks like youn me and 9
others. I never used up my
eligibility in college, and you never
played, so that takes care of two.
Now I figure as long as were a a
- a to get the hell beat outn us,
the punishment might as well go
to a hunch that deserves it.*

it k I U
... DMv 'll
RBRjkL mhl BPSa
|ll "S 1
a II m
Si A
# jMgggy
'.% ;> *.. ggp-'
"On New Year's Eve night, Bourbon Street looked like
a Gatorland Homecoming."

! r j|ir,V
RKf jarfc^Mpr
. -
"The Board of Regents got to foolin'good."
<*** 1

Grandpa Gritz

Continued From P. 5

The Budget Commission?,
he asked. Pre-zactly, said I, and
off we went toward the stadiums
public address system to muster
up our team.
Graves said he had just one
more suggestion for a player,
and I said who, and he said Andy
Moor, and I said that would be
all right since we probably wouldnt
be able to find a chin strap to fit
Graves, anyway.
Just as he was about to start
lookin hurt, whaddaya think? ...
the whole dang Gator team came
trottin* out on the field, all dressed
out and ready to play.
Wellsir, as you-all know the
game was never played. Them
Sophie Newcombe girls brought our
boys back that mornin* and made
off with the Missouri team instead.
Them poor Gators never was able
to get over thatfeelinof rejection,
and Graves spent the next six
months tryin tfigure out away to
get Sophie Newcombe on his *66
The Sugar Bowl Trophy, which
we got by forfeit, wound up hidden
away in my silo next to the adui-

g agHnfjttiggig - '*'./.
A. fv.'*.?;

torium, and it wasnt until the
next year, when we beat Missouri
500-0 in the Cow-Cow Bowl, that
all us good Gators got our morale
We children, by this time, were
completely ecstatic with delight.
Sprawled across the hearth, ab-
bursting with the excite excitement
ment excitement of it all, it was always nearly
more than we could summon forth,
to present Granpa Gritz with what
was invariably our final request.
Please, Granpa Gritz, wed
plead, PLEEEASE tell us about
the Ice Cream Lady and Minnie

Wm I
U| 111 | I.
This is J^guar for men. After-shave and cologne com combined
bined combined w men ike ,t. Because it doesnt smell like the
they wea r. Men I i ke it. Because it comes on stronger.
hnttlpHinl lo r e r J ? §uar is lust V- Powerful. Potent. Its
fnr thp ma Sta ? stron § sm oky-glass cylinder. Its only
out of eadL Who h 3 out of ch *W
After-shave/cologne *3so^' WhateVerthe s f ?o'
- Gift b x

The Mermaid.
Dont you think its about time
you got back down to the office,
Wayne?, was the inevitable echo
to this earnest refrain, and it came
from GranmaGritzs direction like
a blast from an icy furnace.
Then Granpa Gritz would sigh
(for her benefit) and quietly chuckle
(for ours), raise his lanky frame
from the rocker, flash us a wink
and slowly mosey from the room
the great idol in his grand grandchildrens
childrens grandchildrens eyes, and our object of
worship to this day.
We children would sit quietly for

a moment, reflecting on the won wondrous
drous wondrous stories we had just heard,
then feign a few yawns, rise, in innocently
nocently innocently file past Granma Gritzs
chair and direct our steps toward
the stairs which hid a waiting
side door from Granmas unsus unsuspecting
pecting unsuspecting eyes.
Outside, Granpa Gritz would be
hunkered down beneath his favorite
oak, pipe already lighted, memory
already primed, all set to tell us,
for the umpteenth time, about The
Ice Cream Lady and Minnie The
Mermaid and THAT was always
the BEST tale of all!

DIXIE I > ~/
FEE S.MCPS / jf //
You call this water melon?

An officer being wounded in
battle, lay howling in pain; another
wounded officer nearby calling to
him, What do you make such a
noise for? Do you think nobody is
killed but yourself?

* 1 ZJ
I Under review this month is a most provocative 1
I and timely book, The Worried Mans Guide to 1
I World Peace .. provocative because it is not 1
I everyones political cup of tea, and timely because 1
I it fits right into the current series of world-wide 1
I peace demonstrations. I
I Arthur Waskows book amply achieves its pur- I
1 pose as a guide into peace politics for the unin- I
I formed. He discusses the current world situation 1
I and the way Americans, in particular, look at 1
I peace. Mr. Waskow then outlines specific action 1
1 levers available to the P.A. (Peace Actionist) like I
1 Alperovitzing (grass roots lobbying), and helps 1
I answer such questions as: 1
1 How does one become effective in local political 1
organizations ?
I Are demonstrations an effective means of social I
I protest and when are they put to their best use ? 1
1 How can I get Peace on page one of my local I
1 How can I effectively translate my ideas to the I
average businessman or civic leader?
1 In this day and age of the bomb, The Worried I
I Man* B Guide to World Peace ($1.25, A Doubleday 1
I Anchor Original) is a must for the student of 1
peace ... or war.
I In his autobiography, Child of Two Worlds (An- I
1 chor, $1.25), R. Mugo Gatheru describes his per- 1
I sonal odyssey from tribalism to full citizenship I
8 in the world Mr. Waskow is worried about. Mr. 1
I Gatherus story is a simple and straightforward 1
I one. He tells of ancient customs in which he par- I
I ticipated as a young Kikuyu tribesman. He tells P
1 how he gradually adopted new values and new ft
I customs, especially as a student at Lincoln Uni- I
I versity in Pennsylvania. In so doing, he reveals 1
1 to us what it has meant to one human being to be I
I a Kikuyu, a Kenyan and an African amid the 1
I complexities of modern civilization. ft
1 To understand Mugo Gatherus story is to under- I
1 stand the experience of thousands of other young 1
1 Africans. It is to understand an experience that |
I is a crucial one in a changing, troubled world. ft
1 The two books reviewed above are published by ft
I the sponsors of this column, Doubleday Anchor ft
S Books, 277 Park Avenue, New York City, and 1
I Doubleday & Company, Inc., Garden City, New 2
] York. You'll find, them all at one of the best I
I equipped booksellers in the country your own I
8 college store. 8

Steve: Whats the name of that
book youre reading?
Garcia: Its called, What Twen Twenty
ty Twenty Million Womeh Want.
Steve: Lets see if they spelled
my name right.


HiMSKF ACADEMICALLY... AT SPORTS... in) tftftftciAi. EXTRA-CirftflCUUy.,.
W HIH&l. HIT! f.
T\ 7l|g lOHffkS.,. AS AH AtfTl-VIWM* AOTI- OUTSIDtff,
Wl- IX.M'McvIMO upow
Alft> SAII) SAY HUM. HOW Aftour OUT FOR QOSfM* FMfcftlTP/SAIP GML olv-x-oallPO as
om JoiAMG HELMET ft SoftUfT op ISH. OPf MADE US ALL LOOK h******* MllfVHi


Steak NTi^ht
, &
Larry s Ufc
Large Del Monico
Baked Potatoes
Tossed Salad
Hot Buttered Rolls $1.07
1225 W. University Just 1/2 Block From Campus

Ive got an awful problem,
doctor, said the confused man to
his psychiatrist. I have a terrible
memory. It seems I forget every everything.
thing. everything. I cant seem to remember
anything for more than a few min minutes.
utes. minutes.
Why dont you lie down and tell
me all about it?
About what?
Lady: I want to see some gloves
for my eight-year-old daughter.
Clerk: White kid?
Lady: Sir!

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

Now I will illustrate what is
on my mind," said the professor
as he erased the board.
A man walked into a restau restaurant,
rant, restaurant, handed the waiter two vita vitamin
min vitamin pills and asked him to dis dissolve
solve dissolve them in a bowl of clam
chowder. When the chowder was
late, he asked the waiter why he
hadnt been served yet.
You'll get your soup sir/'
said the waiter, as soon as we
get the clams to lie down/'

Dear Mr. Moor:
I am engaged to a girl and have
been Informed that you were seen
fondling her. Kindly call at my
home at seven Friday evening and
make an explanation.
Mr. Dear Sir:
I have received a copy of your
circular letter, and will be present
at this meeting.
1-19 Copies, 10V ea. 20 A
Copies Made While You Watt
Service Available From
8 a.m. to 11 p.m.

Page 7

Page 8

I, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 19bo

6aa tT r
or\ee VJF^N/
a TiMe
W3fT <3 F^F^AWuF^
onjO rar He WefT
to A papADe 196 916 city,.
amp He %md to Tne faMep...

with High-Buttoned

Late one dewless morning,
sometime between 528 A. D. and
the Great Piet Uprising of 49, a
slightly rust-encrusted knight dub dubbed
bed dubbed Render of Pith hied himself
to the local castle. Fatigued of
sleeping with no one but his armor,
which had cold feet, he was bent
on securing the kings daughters
hand, which was unattached.
But his admittance to the mo monarchs
narchs monarchs chambers found him
clutched, gripped in the grating
grasp of stage fright, and he could
do little more than tremble as the
royal person quoth, Draw nigh,
Sir Knight, Nigher, nigher still,
and give me your name.
Sir Render, croaked Render
of Pith, attempting to steady him himself
self himself by taking a firm hold on his
sword hilt, which rattled under his
quaking hand.
The kings vice secretary, who
dabbled in light sorcery and
treasury-level purse cutting, lean leaned
ed leaned over and rasped in the royal
left ear, This saber-rattling
knave must be the agent of some
foreign power to be calling so
brazenly upon your majesty to
surrender. Let us show our con contempt
tempt contempt for decadent foreign aggres aggressors
sors aggressors by throwing this jackal in

w'HO HAD 3 cov\,'
anp a La we,,,
e m
~ LND THfe ClTr M3r&R
,'YB I t- BY.
to TeaPi) ....
BAA ao^V

Throw this jackal in irons,
roared his majesty, and with that
three spearbearers advanced,
hoisted Sir Render by his girded
loins, and exited left.
None other than the kings daugh daughter
ter daughter came creeping like a novice
Theda Bara to the door of the dark
dungeon into which Render had been
thrown, irons and all. Anybody
home? she whispered through the
narrow food slot, careful not to
arc'ise the snoring guard. Want
to buy some shoelaces, razor
blades, mechanical pencils?
Render of Pith sat upright as a
bolt and said, You are none other
than the kings daughter, who, in
a fit of uncontrollable passion, has
come in the guise of a trifle triflemonger
monger triflemonger to help free me so that we
might fly together into the starless
In your hat, she returned, I
am the kings daughter, but I am
not in anybodys guise. lam mong monging
ing monging trifles in order to find self selfexpression.
expression. selfexpression. What about hair pins,
pipe cleaners, cigar holders?
The ensuing whispered exchange
soon wised up her highness that
Render was not a foreign agent,
that he had come hither in hopes of

winning her hand, that it would be
nice if she would help him get out
of there so he could confront his
majesty again and that no, he didnt
want any paper clips, leatherette
watch fobs, or nail clippers. But
the princess, who couldnt see
Render of Pith through the food
slot, wasnt sure he would be any
bargain as a husband.
Render of Pith lied a smidgen
and said, Well, I am what one
might call ruggedly handsome, with
golden, tousled windblown hair; a
finely chisledbrow; astern, rough roughhewn
hewn roughhewn chin; an aquiline nose; and
steely gray eyes!
What is more, I am strong of
limb, stark of shoulder, stout of
chest, tall of height, and heavy of
Hot dog! said the princess,
Ill have you out of there in a
thrice and a half. Ill busy the
guard while you slip past and away.
But first, how are you fixed for
can openers, snowman paper paperweights,
weights, paperweights, clip-on ties?*
Dawn found a free Render of Pith
hying himself once again to the
monarchs chambers, which were
in a middling turmoil over the mys mysterious
terious mysterious demise of the dungeon
guard, whose attention the princess

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had diverted the previous evening
by braining the sleeping sentinel
with a thirty-pound spiked mace.
Fearful of being mistaken for that
foreign jackal the king had en encountered
countered encountered the day before, Sir Ren Render
der Render kept his helmet on, with the
visor closed. A snappy clip-on tie
completed his masquerade.
Draw nigh, Sir Knight, quoth
his majest, and take off that in inverted
verted inverted trash basket in the presence
of my majesty!
I cannot remove it, O King, as
my clod of a squire knows not his
own strength, and has screwed my
helmet on tighter than a jar of
guava preserves.
Then lift the visor, stupid!
quarreled the king, in a snit.
Alas, I cannot do that either,
O King, for my lower lip is caught
thereupon, and when it is raised
it pulls said lip up over my eyes,
giving me grave pain, causing
difficulty in breathing, and render rendering
ing rendering me barely recognizable.
by Heart wood
" b bother 311(1 Pother, oathed
e king, i suppose youre here
V Vi for y dau ehters hand,
lexers the
Aye, I will vfe, vowed Render.
You asked for it. Theres a
fierce dragon terrorizing the
countryside. Slay the overgrown
toad before his breathing has
Smoky the Bear on our necks, and
my aughters hand is yours, with

. ,io He £Rb§sep I
. I
u ,aND vi/heN to I
MaYOR- cksfla I
: > I
£d 80s j
Sao Ba 20 &X |
A j.,
T/T-- ii
half the kingdom in the bargain.
Querying a dawding stableboy,
Render discovered which side was
the countryside, and was away on
his mount. In a thrice and twenty twentyfive
five twentyfive thirty-seconds he was at the
mouth of a cavern, out from which
issued great beiClies of fire and
dense clouds of smoke.
Who is in there?" he demanded,
nominating himself for Foolish
Question of the Year honors.
It is I," replied a coarse voice,
clearly victimized by smokers
cough, It is I, the fierce dragon.
Who is out there?"
Sir Render."
I beg your pardon?"
Sir Render."
You must be a formidable fel fellow
low fellow indeed," coughed the dragon,
to call upon me, point-blank and
frankly, to surrender, just as cas casually
ually casually as one would pronounce ones
own name. Such a brave knight
might even manage to slay me in
a fair battle, so I better play it
safe and call kingsies!"
So as the dragon came out of the
cave, seven hands in the air and a
flag of truce on high, Render of
Pith let him have it with a pole-ax.
On his way back to the castle,
Sir Render came upon a road block,
manned by three guards, probably
played by the Three Stooges.
Halt there," cried the first
guard. Pull over, state your pur purpose
pose purpose for desiring to cross from
countryside to cityside, and whats
that, big green thing your horse is
Havent you ever seen a dragon
before?" growled Render irrita irritably,
bly, irritably, I slew it."
A second guard thumbed through
a manual for the regulations con concerning
cerning concerning unlicensed dragon-slaying,
while the third checked his hand handbook
book handbook for rules governing transport
of dragons across borders, and
whether there was to be a tax,
tariff, toll, fee or duty. The first
guard wanted Render to sign some
*. Continued on p.

FmHHIHpv j[
ln uiu >ud\ that
* they laughed at behind our hacks, that s whv 1
Benjamin Franklin j
Their secret power was the ahiittv to turn our trust in
Hf th cm to their rotten advantage, h\ selling out to the
Hf other
-Thetkj*c records of of them our people have
WIW ~ PWCT it all writhe down in our little blue books Beniamin
H JKIa flfijjr Franklin did open I v and knowingly on mans (Kcasions
Hr HC go abroad a d hold friendly with forett,n
P powers.' Isaac Newton deliberately plotted the violent over
m throu of previously established laui science 1 And that
undesirable alien. Francis Bacon, tried to claim
lr himself works of that brilliant American, William
are who, we later found out, was a Commie rat
K Isaac Newton jfl
Hu s You can help hght such enemies of America bv our
special method, called Watching and Taking Sores from the
.. H Mi Hm Bushes Force the sneaks out in the open 1 We don't want
H] JTfIL sneaky stuff going on around here'
K f i|pH HHH!?
-:H ft When writing, don t name Vkc II contact
Hr vou h\ anonymous phone or h\ threatening letter.
Hf mailed in a plain brown wrapper Frankly wc don t trust
vou You max be a dirty pinko

x ,T> r £~ '
-y-xv ;. ;;.::;.:'::-X;^^^^^^aHH^^B|BM|B
With this one exception,
GT&E provides total illumination

General Telephone & Electronics
brightens just about everything
you can think of not under the sun.
Buildings, ball parks, golf courses,
airports, highways and byways...
and, of course, the home.
We do it with over 6,000 differ different
ent different kinds of lamps produced by
Sylvania, a member of GT&Es
family of companies. One lamp so

?30 IH|RO AV{ N y ml GTat SUBSIDIARIES General Tetephone Operawnp Cot. w 33 ium GT|£ Letooratones 6T&E Iwtmanonal General Telephone Piretiort Co. Autonw* Etecint lentun Elec me Sytwou Elecirc

small that you can pass it through
the eye of a needle. And another,
in the form of flexible tape, that
can be twisted and coiled.
And were casting new light on
light itself. Including a new red
phosphor for color TV picture
tubes that makes pictures far

Br m
I L j | j|
-as "'^Ml
iWHHHH 1 -'
VjflF iSp^:iSl|i^S|s
Youd never believe that as a kid Farris
used to run around the block naked.

In creating new ways to use light,
GT&E is contributing to the safety
and convenience of the total com community.
munity. community.
Were interested in having you
know more about GT&E. So weve
prepared a booklet that you can
obtain from your Placement Di Director,
rector, Director, or by writing General Tele Telephone
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Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

out oFTH^)
/ WAY!! /
Th£/?* H NO Such
T H/N6 AS 4
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Page 9

Page 10

i, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

A Visit with the Censors

(The following is a transcript of
the editors recent tape-recorded
interview with Luden D. Jenerit,
chairman of the National Anti-Sin
League and Cut That Out Society
of America, self-appointed cen censorship
sorship censorship agency.)
Q. Mr. Jenerit, just how long
has the National Anti-Sin League
and Cut That Out Society of Amer America
ica America been in operation?
A. Well, Mr. Q., we like to refer
to our group as NASLeaCuTOSoc-
Am, sort of a catch-phrase, so to
speak; a household word by now, I
trow. However, our history goes
back to the dawn of man. Research Researchers
ers Researchers tell us of early cave wall
paintings of bison and boar which
apparently had the more personal
parts, usually so realistically de depicted,
picted, depicted, erased by means of a corase
rock. We like to think of that pur puritanical
itanical puritanical Piltdown who did the eras erasing
ing erasing as one of ours.
Q. And since then?
A. NASLeaCuTOSocAm had its
roots as an organization, of course,
in America. Our founding father,
Thomas Critch, was an aide-de aide-decamp
camp aide-decamp in the revolutionary forces
who used to loiter about the bar barracks
racks barracks waiting for the enlisted men
to mouth hearty vulgarisms,
whereupon he would run and tell
General Washington. One chill
evening a burly sergeant of the
New Hampshire regiment began
loudly defaming a cannonball which
he had dropped on his weary, rag ragwrapped
wrapped ragwrapped foot. Morning found poor
Critch thoroughly marinated and
just as dead on the rock-ribbed
shores of the Delaware, where he
had drowned the previous night
trying to carry the tale to Wash Washington,
ington, Washington, who stood in the prow of a
stout dinghy, leading a charge on
the far shore.
Q. And since then?
A. Our organization has grown
by hops and toads. We now have
agents deployed in both corners
of the hemisphere, patiently purg purging
ing purging the populace, routing the ri ribald,
bald, ribald, and generally cleansing the
flock. I dont have the exact figures
on our membership with me, but I
read in the Leghorn Husbandry
Journal where a poultry expert
has affirmed that if all the mem members
bers members of NASLeaCuTOSocAm were
laid end to end, the world would
be a much better place. I wonder
what he meant by that.
Q. What sort of people do you
seek as members in the society?
A. Only the benevolent and the
perspicacious. Our members must
be willing to mind the other fellows
business when it becomes evident
that the other fellow isnt minding
it in a Christian fashion, and must
have keen insight to find dirt where
no one else seems to be able to find
it. Our forces are composed chiefly
of local police officials, post office
clerks, housewives and other liter literary
ary literary experts.
Q. And what are some of your
more pressing cases today?
A. Printed matter is always a
thorn in the side of our ointment.
Specifically, comic books.
Q. Oh, yes. You must mean those
gory, sadistic, salacious, rapa rapacious
cious rapacious crime comics in which a gun
moll cant so much as pick up a
bobby pin without tearing her
blouse from neck to navel.
A. No, I mean Walt Disney
Q. You dont mean to tell me
the smutmongers have Infested the
world of button-eyed mice and
cherubic bunnies!
A. All too long! Weve been after
those sex fiends since the outset
to put trousers on that shameless
little duck. Our agents got no more
for their efforts than a bottle of
iiMla ink flung at them and a dirty
laugh hurled moistly in their res respective
pective respective faces. All the while their

oversexed artists continued to al allow
low allow that female mouse to expose
her inner thigh, as well as nearly
every stitch of her undergarment,
every time she slips on a pome pomegranate
granate pomegranate skin. I beg your pardon,
Pomegranate rind.
Q. Where else has the axe of
moral indignance fallen?
A. On the lust-inflamed throat
of text book publishers. Particu Particularly
larly Particularly those grimy little first grade
primers. I have here a page torn
from a first reader called Dick
and Jane. Lo, the very first sen sentence
tence sentence reads, See Father Go.
Now I ask you, why should Fathers
personal habits be common know knowledge
ledge knowledge to every floppy-stockinged
toddler in P. S. 49? Is that why
Thomas Critch laid down his life
on the shores of the Delaware?
Is that why our boys are dishing
it out on the crimson-stained
beaches of Okinawa and Fort Re Recovery?
covery? Recovery?
Q. Heck, no!
A. Then there are those tele television
vision television commercials in which some
of those diagrams showing the ac action
tion action of aspirin in the stomach are
cut mighty, mighty low. Then there
is Little Red Riding Hood, which
not only reeks of subversive acti activity,
vity, activity, but bears a fleeting flavor of
statutory rape as well. Then
theres the most heinous offender
of all!

Q. Which is?
A. The Constitution of the U nited
Q. Os course.
A. Every schoolboy is familiar
with that suggestive passage re referring
ferring referring to the quartering of troops
in ones household. No doubt there
are young eyes at this very mo moment
ment moment popping with awe and snig sniggering
gering sniggering in the cloak room as they
leaf through forbidden copies of
that document. Such lewd and lurid
pictures it brings to mind! Doesnt
it yours?
Q. Only last evening I had to
take a cold shower after parsing
the third amendment.
A. And then of course we are
maintaining ageneralharrassment
program against such aphrodisiacs

to the easily titillated as Sparky
in Orchestraville, Bambi, the
Bible, Erpi Classroom Films,
Websters New Collegiate, the Boy
Scouts of America, Paint-by-Num Paint-by-Numbers,
bers, Paint-by-Numbers, the Green Bay Packers,
Krazy Kat, The New Republic,
Luther Burbank, Jantzen Swim
Suits, Abbott and Costello, and
Readers Digest.
Q. Whats this we hear about
. .?
A. Not to mention such filth
spreaders as The Congressional
Record, the Yale Review, Peanuts,
Heidi, Tom and Jerry, Batman and
Robin, Alphonse and Gaston, the
Farmers Almanac, U. S. Savings
Bonds, and certain mis-prints on
page 62 of Cappers Farmer,
August, 1953.
Q. Whats this we hear about
your agency coming to our univer university
sity university for purposes of an investiga investigation?
tion? investigation? Could it be you have in mind
our harmless little magazine which
only . .?
A. Magazine? No, were here in
response to many angry letters
from -angry, middle-aged house housewives,
wives, housewives, all signed Mrs. X, who are
protesting vigorously against the
chest measurements of some of
your coeds. In early 1948 our group
took a poll of each other and set the
standard of decency for chest mea measurements
surements measurements at 34 inches. However,
a downtown sweater vender has
alleged that some of your girls have
tipped the tape at 36 inches and
beyond! We are here simply to
advise these young hussies that
their chests will just have to go.
Q. Im not at all positive the 1
girls will be willing. Not all will


be unable, Im inclined to conjec conjecture,
ture, conjecture, but .
A. Now whats this you were
saying about a magazine here on
your campus?
Q. Yessir, well, what else has
the society been up to, Mr. Jenerit?
A. Well, otherwise speaking,
things have been pretty dull. Oft
times it becomes necessary for us
to go out and stir up trouble or
rake over old coals. A month or so
ago, for example, we" sent a re research
search research team to Mexico to make a
deal with some of our friends south
of the border who traffic in authen authentic
tic authentic pornography photographs, in
hopes that our people could bring
a few back for us to view with
alarm. We feel the pornography
in question should be doubly cen censured,
sured, censured, in that the persons depicted
are all Mexicans, thus probably
offepding some minority groups,
such as the United States, which
should be allowed equal represen representation,
tation, representation, dont you think?
Q. How are they doing tliere?
A. Splendidly! At last report
they acquired an entire carpetbag
full of dirty pic f ures, and are now
on their way back. Boy, are we
gonna slap a charge on them when
they cross the border!
Q. Your own research team?
A. As I pointed out, business has
been lagging.
Q. And in the meantime?

If \ A kttSSoo*

I made one for the survival shelter.*

K .
A winner of a stuffed animal!
i^mr~ >* * .^r
The Wilsons Childrens Dept.

A. We recently appointed a So Society
ciety Society Re-Naming Committee to
think up a new name for the society.
Our researchers in Mexico, in
their last communique, reported
that NASLeaCuTOSocAm is adirtyjj
slang expression used by an ob obscure
scure obscure Indian tribe down there in
reference to a certain peculiarly
shaped volcano near Juaquin
Q. What else do you hear from
the boys in Mexico?
A. Enclosed with their last com communique
munique communique was a sample kit of those
authentic pornographic pictures.
We really got em now, using the
U. S. mails! I just happen to have
a few of those samples right here
in my inside overcoat pocket. Now,
ordinarily, considering the rare
quality of these photos and the risk
involved, these objects of erotica
would run you over five dollars
each, but if you were to let me
have a glance through one of these
magazines you were telling me
about, perhaps we coo-OOEEP!
(At this point, apparently, some someones
ones someones elbow hit the recording
switch on the machine, as the re remainder
mainder remainder of the tape is taken up by
a previously recorded dissertation
between two giggling feminine
voices, both too close to the micro microphone,
phone, microphone, taking turns repeating,
What shall I say? I dont know
what to say.)



Customer (with laryngitis)
What flavors of ice
do you have?
Waitress (whispering)H
Vanilla, chocolate
Customer: Do you hav
laryngitis, too?
Waitress: No, just van-
ilia, chocolate and straw<

Oift HoM£ 'BaKsJ
THE HiT of Tw?l
I fearmandlas
I Sijr I

The WOWSER BOYS and the
Don Addis & Cliff Arquette
; as told to each other

Clean cut and cherub cheeked, Don and
Cliffie, boy detectives, rested momentari momentarily
ly momentarily under the shade of a stalwart oak, wearied
of their arduous hike into the hinterlands of
North Central Florida as they set out on the
most gripping adventure of their young
Jinkies, Don, cried Cliffie, adjusting
his Buster Brown, Here we are, off on the
most gripping adventure of our young careers,
trying to solve the mystery of the Moss
People, and as usual our elders laugh on the
face of our youthful enthusiasm.'*
Too true/' regretted Don, tucking in his

11 j, M
WmKm < < *- *si 1 aiS
jygPi E M JBL 1 IB BPB IVd
" '" >, :,fev A-iiSR v s|se£ X
~v vw isIS-S- 4^''<( m RERMreN^Hp^
frlUB i 1
BWP -jhL.. i# J .... g, i
jmZrT'Jh L J^K.
£**. |^d
IVs Adventure Time With Don. And Cliffie!

knickers, For years the quaint townsfolk
have joked about Spanish Moss engulfing the
South, yet when we warn them that it*s no
joke, they heap scorn upon our tousled heads
and chide our wild imaginations."
Even that pompous old pickthank, Mayor
Sterncastle, colorful local politician, con continues
tinues continues to suck passively on his calabash,
greeting our pleas with cries of what will
you boys think of next' and get along with
ye now,* bemoaned Cliffle, shifting his
wad of latakia.
And even red-necked Sheriff Cruik Cruikshank,"
shank," Cruikshank," signed Don, cutting a sharp gavotte
in his pique, whose toughest cases we con continually
tinually continually crack, poo-poos our call to arms
with muttered chants of get away kid you
bother me.
Even our father," croaked Cliffie, who
is a burly, good-natured detective himself,
and our darling mother, who cross-stitches
samplers from dawn to cocks hut both
exhibiting the typical complacency of our
ethnic group advised us to shut up and
drink our milk when we confronted them with
Tom Swifts alarming treatise on the Moss
People theory. For some reason all the quaint
townsfolk treat us coldly since we caused
that mass evacuation in 1887 by warning the
populace that the sky was falling."
Only kindly, Protestant old Jacques Good-
Fellow," mused Don, putting light to his
johnny smoker, bewhiskered post master,
sweat shop operator, cracked barrel philos philosopher
opher philosopher and keeper of the picturesque country
store, left over from a Sunset Carson movie,
harkened to our Cassandras tale, but who
pays any attention to that senile old ninny ninnyham
ham ninnyham mer?*

Cracker barrel philosophy is not to be
sneezed upon, cautioned Cliffie, but there's
just so much one cay say about a cracker
barrel. However, they'll all laugh out of the
other side of their head when we return from
this gripping adventure with irrefutable proof
of the treacherous existence of the Moss
People. Cliffie slapped his thigh in gleeful
But let us sprawl supine on the dew dewbesprent
besprent dewbesprent grass, my youthful companion,
suggested Don, prostrating himself, and
take inventory of the contents of our picnic
basket. What have we?

None of your beeswax, rejoined Cliffie
I can see you made that snappy retort
tongue-in-cheek," observed Don, pulling up
his socks.
Winkles, no!" laughed Cliffie. Thats
my wad of latakia!"
I hope you remembered to enclose a
plentitude of lard sandwiches and rancid
haberdine for sustenance on this gripping
adventure," hoped Don.
And just for good measure," assured
wit mm
If gffji

Better Stay Close By/
Cautioned Don, For I Sense
The Presence Os Danger.

Cliffie, probing the picnic basket with a
youthful finger, 1 wrapped them in reading
matter to pass away the time in Venezuela,
should we travel that far. The lard sandwiches
are wrapped in the latest adventures of Happy
Hooligan, the reverse page of which features
a table of animal reproductive cycles and an
ad telling how to end bed-wetting problems
Sounds bully, Huck.
And the rancid haberdine is enveloped in
three penny dreadfuls and a Frank Merri Merriwell,
well, Merriwell, stated Cliffie, puckish again, as
rancid haberdine is inclined to become ma malodorous.
lodorous. malodorous.
What of our other equipage? asked Don,
wiping his nose on his sleeve.
Here's the spy glass with a color trans transparency
parency transparency of Lily Langtree inside, plenty of
rocks for throwing in case we see any girls,
a stout knout for us each in the event of a
rumble with the Boy Scouts, and a dead cat
in case of warts, poison ivy or yellow jack.
Your dog Growler is also in here, and I'm
having a gosholikins of a time keeping him
from the rancid haberdine. Why must these
gripping adventures always have a faithful
Don lurched to his feet, his left knicker
coming untucked, and enthused, But on with
our gripping adventure, Cliffie. My fresh
young imagination and foresight tells me that
some day, here on this rustic college campus,
when Gainesville is a teeming metropolis
and sinkholes are a thing of misty legend, a
memorial will be erected to two courageous
striplings without whom it all would have
been impossible, due to the scourge of
vicious, un-American, alien forces, probably
from another planet and definitely not
Christian, insidiously overwhelming the
countryside in the pretend-like guise of
Spanish Moss!
The dickens you say!
A monument to two clear-eyed youths
whose selfless actions preserved this pic picturesque
turesque picturesque woody wonderland, atwitter with
feathered songsters, bears in Ranger hats,
and that puckish woodland scamp, the squir squirrel.
rel. squirrel. Yoiks! There goes one now! Jeekers, I
missed the little germ spreader! My throw throwing
ing throwing arm is off, rambled Don, picking up a
larger rock.
Pray tell what selfless action you're
talking about, requested Cliffie.
Only last week, confided Don, in be bewhiskered
whiskered bewhiskered Jacques Goodfellow's seed cata catalogue
logue catalogue and poultry farmer's almanac, I read
that this treacherous moss has only two
natural enemies. With money I selflessly
lifted from Mom's purse, I sent away to
Trader Vic, dealer in exotic fauna and zoo
animals, for the creatures that will, when
loosed upon the countryside, cleanse this
woody wonderland of Spanish Moss!
What creatures, demanded Cliffie, ex ex
ex -. v
;,>/'-' ** H *r
mi JB'
**The Moss People Could Be
All Around Us, For All We
Know . .

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

citedly downing a whole rancid haberdine.
Japanese beetles and fire ants, replied
Don, taking a hitch and a sheepshank in his
Someday mankind will thank us, moodily
predicted Cliffie as he munched absent- mind mindedly
edly mindedly on a penny dreadful, but on with our
gripping adventure!
With this in thought, they hurried on, thrill thrilling
ing thrilling to the beauty of nature's handiwork,
tripping over discarded dixie cups, shying
rocks at squirrels, defacing posters that
read Tippecanoe and Bob Park Too, and
keeping an eye peeled for moss. Mindful of
Indian legends that told in whispers of moss
preying upon people as well as trees, Don
and Cliffie stayed alert to this danger, pausing
only occasionally to brush some bothersome,
straggly hair-like material from their sturdy
This is truly a land of legend, Don,
blurted Cliffie. On your left you have your
authentic Indian mounds, untouched by the
relentless tread of civilization. It was here
that a battle-scarred and many-feathered
Nez Perce chief was entombed many years
ago. Soil-encrusted arrowheads and crudely crudelyhewn
hewn crudelyhewn pottery can still be found by chance
explorers near the site. Authentic replicas
bearing colorful decals of Pontiac can be
yours for a nominal sum at the display booth
as you exit.
And on your right, droned Don, tucking
in his knickers, you have your last vestiges
of storied Fort Gribbney, where in 1806
Union forces joined the British in repelling
Confederate leatherstockings their tunics
hand-chewed by Navajo crone who were
bolstered by the entire Apache nation and a
Wooly-Wooly horde which paused in passing
on a glass-bottom boat tour. Don't fire
until you see one if by land or two if by sea*
§ J | Wa
We*d Better Go On Foot
From Here/* Said Cliffie With
cried General Wokker from the parapet, with
not a blooming teabag to be had and only one
ruddy cartridge in the blinking Webley. But
God was on the rebel's side, and the general
Was skewered on a Hotentot's unerring shaft
before dusk found Fort Gribbney.
Only paper plates and beer cans mark the
site today, sulked Cliffie, wiping away a
wayward tear with a brask sweep of his
rancid haberdine***This is what we're fight fighting
ing fighting for, Don. Unsung, we struggle to preserve
these rolling hills and mucklands, steeped in
tradition and glorified in song and sonnet;
this land of magnolias in harvest, buckwheat
pones and hesh-my-moufs every morning,
separate drinking fountains and moss-cover moss-covered
ed moss-covered . oops . ivy-covered halls.
Continued on p. 19
x lav Wgm
L I ft #ft ft
. For I Suspect They
Are Capable Os Taking On
Human Form.**

Page 11

The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

Page 12

Ql(y&\jY *4^l
jm*r* m #v. 1
/SuKF after shave jr / Q^*
t, COLO6HE .O; # *' 1
Jr r I
Packaged in natural cork ! fs>, JBr '/// / H,
with cellophane wrap and JBr V II
removable price sticker j
|frfrBl li/H I
W I jf 9
sa/es and service agent for SAAB 1 777/ 1
Service on All Makes and Models of Sports Cars I B
Major Overhauls-Rings,Valves-Clutch and Transmission Work .Ifl / j I
Electrical Systems Competition Tuning Lucas and Bosch Ignition Systems Ajr
cotton velveteen princess sheath its
1031 SOUTH AAA IN STREET lifted princess bodice exquisitely feminine
Phil Crist Manager 378-2136 in whi,e ,ace Rub y or sapphire. $25.00 I
It's FUN or SERIOUS STUDY for Holiday time is a sociable season I
PROFESSOR or FAMILY when you GIVE when you want to look your prettiest,
them a WOLLENSAK or REVERE % \
Wollensak 2-Tmrk nr 1;' r j
k 5199
608 N. Main Reel-to-Reel or Automatic Cartridge Tape Decks, frihav kii P
Ph. 376-7171 Recording Accessories & Scotch 3-M Tape FRIDAY NITES
"Ask Your Friends & Neighbors About Couch Service"

I W OUTDOOR SET; it fat long, 25 import- 27
.a- Wm l|l fflTk IMBAAD fl od kb, muhiplo U.S. wiring, plug and cKps. "B
I nB Nl*l I'rl AimiJir'- Sum. OUTDOOR SET wHb 15 bulb* ..$2.99
I iHipjglj&J OMTPOQK m indoor ught set wh suren ct%
LIGHTS imported puarfizud buftn, wired m muhiplo, with U #**
( srS3 *i**
I (djctarrower midgetught
Hr j&. JOHN LEWIS >uvl o-.nio, hiwwbm*
JP CL 2395/CS 9195 Stereo CL 2415/CS 9215 Stereo CL 2410/CS 9210 Stereo
F* Five brilliant contemporary com- Claude's distinctive flair for Todays biggest hits Help!,"
I \ pf positionseach a unique blend musically telling a story is evi- Mr. Tambourine Man, "I Can't
I \ JSp of the elements of both jazz and dent in his newest album, Tiger Get No Satisfaction" and 8 more
\ classical musicinterpreted by Woman. Includes 7 King origi- performed by the Hullabaloo
ire the Orchestra U.S.A., acclaimed nalsincluding the title song Orchestra conducted by Peter
for their Carnegie Hall perform- and 5 more outstanding hits. Matz and featuring The Hulla Hullaj
j Hullaj iMm ance of these same works baloo Singers.
: this swish young suit .
i Italian cotton velveteen II free Fifklsi to Imi
J ... wearing a sleeveless
white lace shell. AftgT- ; ? BB
K drama
I \so| Country Set. Also,
v sapphire or black,
Suit $30.00 Lace Shell Lady Buxton flips her lid
jmKKW K3mjs?9 *: M
FREE GIFT WRAPPING £ MggK snaps Such exquisite manners. Lady Buxton, of course, has made
yawns | SE rather a reputation for herself with such goings-on. Who (for
I jjir instance) gave the world that selfcentering one finger snap?
Id of Sportswear jjsm That great big small change purse? That high sprung thin |
jgjffp | lipped Key Tainer? Who indeed. The works work. And keep
-lUp* Mt6k, working. Smoothly, surely, and in such beautiful sets as
*jj| The Petite Fleur. LADY BUXTON
B K up HHB 106 w. UNIV. AVE. PHONE 372-8421

# s

Tuesday. Dec, 7, 1*65, The Florida Alligator,

Page 13

[, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

Page 14

[gator classifieds

for rent
mature male student. Linen and
maid service. Off-street parking.
CaU 376-5360. (B-63-3t-c).
4 BEDROOM, one bath apt., 220
SE 7 St., Apt. 3. Can accommodate
up to 5 students. For information
* call 372-0481. (B-63-4t-c).
LAKE COTTAGE. 23 miles from
Gainesville. Lake privileges. S3O
monthly. CaU 372-0481. (B-63-
ONE BEDROOM furnished apt. for
rent. 3500 SW 24 Ave. Call 378-
3048 in morning between 7-10 and
3-8 p.m. (B-63-4t-c).
ONE BEDROOM apartment ready
for occupancy. Married couples
invited. No children or pets. Call
376-9864. (B-63-4t-c).
with kitchen. Suitable for 2 or 3
.people. SBS per month. From
campus a 5 min. walk. Call Ricky
at 376-9252. (B-64-3t-p).
Air-conditioned. 2-1/2 blocks
from campus. Married couples.
S9O month. Call 8-4257. (B-64-
LARGE TWO BEDROOM, well fur furnished
nished furnished duplex. Air conditioners,
natural gas. Quiet and close to
campus. Two-trimester lease.
Water and sewage free. Call 376-
6494. (B-61-st-c).
scientious Conscientious male roommate to share
1 bedroom apartment. Furnished,
air-conditioned, kitchen. SBS
monthly. Call 8-4972.(8-64-3t-c).
with kitchen, TV, phone and study
room privileges. 231 SE 2 St.
distance from campus. S9O a
month. Call 2-8601. (B-64-3t-c).
1 BEDROOM furnished, dark-wood
paneled new studio apt. across
from golf course. Call 372-6452.
After 7:00. (B-63-tf-nc).
ONE OR TWO male students to
take over two room apartment
for winter trimester. One block
from campus. Air-conditioned.
Phone 8-4973. (B-59-3t-nc).
Law and Medical students. Apart Apartment
ment Apartment suitable for 3 students. Avail Available
able Available Jan. 1, 1966. Two doors from
John Tigert Hall. sl2o(lst and last
month rent in advance). Call 378-
2559 between 9-5 or 6-4968 even evenings.
ings. evenings. (B-61-st-c).
ONE BEDROOM studio apartment
for 2 or 3 students. Furnished in including
cluding including washing machine. 3 blocks
from campus. 1824 NW 3 PI., Apt.
19. Call 8-4096. (B-63-2t-c).
Washer, air conditioning, heating.
Large living room and kitchen.
3 blocks from campus. Call 378-
4893. (B-63-4t-c).
APT: 2 blocks from Anderson Hall
& Library. S6O/mo. Available for
winter trimester for 2 students or
one male to student to share with
present occupant. Come by 1414-
1/2 NW 2 Ave. (upstairs). (B-64-

for rent
ONE BEDROOM, furnished apart apartment.
ment. apartment. All electric, heat and air
conditioning. Clean, modern. 3
blocks from campus. Married stu students
dents students only. Available Dec. 20. Call
376-5743. (B-64-2t-c).
LARGE BEDROOM, single with
kitchen privileges. $45 per month.
Non-smoker. 323 NW 14 St. 376-
8565. (B-63-4t-c).
APARTMENT available in Jan. in
Colonial Manor. CaU 8-3697. (B (B---65-2t-p).
--65-2t-p). (B---65-2t-p).
SINGLE ROOM for two male stu students.
dents. students. Close to campus. S3O/mo.
Three other students on same
floor (companionable atmosphere).
CaU Mike at FR 6-6983. 1128 NW
4 Ave. (B-65-2t-c).
Air cond. Couple only. Available
now and January. FR 2-9569. (B (B---65-2t-c).
--65-2t-c). (B---65-2t-c).
ONE BEDROOM furnished apt.,
new, across from Ramada Inn.
Central air cond. & heating, park parking.
ing. parking. $l2O per month. FR 2-6232.
ONE BEDROOM furnished apt.,
available Jan. 1. Nice location.
Reasonable. 372-7377. 311 NW 26
St. (B6s2tc).
ONE ROOM furnished apartment,
private entrance and bath, S4O
monthly. 15 min. walk to campus.
Call 2-7228 after 6 p.m. (B-65-
modern apartment within walking
distance of campus. 8-1530. Apt.
4, 1824 NW 3 Place. (B-65-2t-c).
nished Furnished rooms for boys. Double or
single. Private bath, air cond.
Convenient to Univ. and town. 105
NW 7 Terr. 372-0809.(B-65-2t-c).
NEAR CAMPUS. Air-cond. apt. for
2nd trimester. Suitable for 2 or 3,
$75 and SBS. Suitable for 3or 4,
SIOO. Tenants pay electricity.
Univ. Apartments. 6-8990 after
4 p.m. (B-65-2t-c).
2 BEDROOM unfurnished apt.,
available after December 15. 1
block from campus. Kitchen equip equipped
ped equipped plus one air cond. unit. CaU
6-6112 to see at 103 NW 21 St.
Gainesville's Luxury Theatre
Deers Oaea Daily 12:30 p m.
Cent. Shew ell day start 1
an incredible orgy of
sights and sounds

for rent
ONE BEDROOM furnished apart apartment.
ment. apartment. SIOO per month including
A.C., heat and water. Suitable for
3. CaU 8-2368. 1524 NW 4 Ave.,
#l. (B-65-2t-c).
LOST Black ski sweater, multi multicolored
colored multicolored yoke, size huge. Lost about
a month ago. $lO reward for re return.
turn. return. De Young, 32-B Buckman,
372-9317. L-61-6t-p).
FOUND SUde rule in vicinity of
Engineering Bldg. CaU for Alan
after<7:oo p.m., 378-4124. (L-65-
LOST Brown wallet containing
ID. $lO reward. Bob Watson, 428
Trusler. (L-65-2t-c).
FOUND Portable radio in area
of park across from Jennings Hall.
CaU Alan, 378-4124 after 7:00 p.m.
LOST Gray letter jacket with
white shoulder bands. CaU Terry,
372-9388, room 253. (L-65-2t-p).
M. D. D. Inc. is looking for new
ideas, not hair brained schemes,
but good sound thinking. If you
think you have a sound idea and
want to seU it or get financial
help whUe putting it to work, caU
me at 2-3572 day or night. Ask
for Mr. Corson. (J-62-st-p).
In peace and quiet? HoUday Inn of
WUliston (where the Fighting
Gators stay) offers special rates
to U of F students. Phone for
reservations. 528-4801. (J-62-

real estate
restricted area, three lovely
homes each with 3 bedrooms, cen central
tral central heat and on large lots. Near
elementary school. (I-61-6t-c).
5 ACRE TRACT FOR $1750. Will
trade for free and clear roobUe
home for comparable value. CaU
Ernest Tew Realty, Inc., anytime
376-6461. (1-61-st-c).
HOME NEEDING REPAIRS and re redecoration
decoration redecoration on 3 acres of land off
Newberry Road. Owner must selL
Price $12,500, with small down downpayment.
payment. downpayment. CaU Ernest Tew Realty,
Inc,, anytime at 376-6461. (1-61-
2 buildings, room for more. Lot
285*x105. See anytime at 1105 NW
6 St. CaU 376-1730 between 1-5
p.m. (I-61-st-c).
W. GainesviUe area with elegant
new 3 bedroom, 2 bath home.
Large famUy room, separate din dining
ing dining room and living room. Central
heat. $19,500. Call Les Jackson,
builder, 378-2222 or 376-7090.
'Sid *
I DtoaMOfillJ!

wJt **^^*^*^- t * R nl 'i iSf*"* -><)
li tfR screw adventure provoked
t 1
. Mlyl * Wjyjfc. jWHI
HHf^^^" 0 WILLIAM gcoton}
BfthMl n|

color portraits, cap & gown, appli applications,
cations, applications, copies, etc., reasonably
1013-1/2 W. Univ. Ave. 378-1170.
3 Ave. Phone 6-8506.(M-65-lt-c).
mm l
.and hour
Si f
Plus a Classic


IHBjre student wants two
e male students to share 3
HK 0 m house for next two tri triflHers.
flHers. triflHers. S4O a month apiece, in inKs
Ks inKs everything. 2 blocks from
Hus. 1414 NW 2 Ave. (C-64-
Wm \
|Hving Dec. 15, returning Jan. 4.
376-9209. Ask for Tom. (C-
Bt- p ).
|Hnthly. One block from campus.
8 NW 1 Ave., 378-3017. (C-64-
bedroom apartment. Occupancy
w or after Dec. 15. 17 SW 24
, Older or grad preferred. Call
2-9651. (C-64-2t-p).
I Broke Service
I & Sepply
I Complete Brake
I Service on All
I American And
I Foreign Cars.
I 10,000-Mile or
I 1-Yr. Guaranty
On Complete
Broke Jobs.
* Wheel Balancing
I Rebuilt Genera Generators
tors Generators & Starters.
* Expertly Trained
Mechanics Here
To Serve You.
Member of
Independent Garage
Owners of America, Inc.
11314 S. Main St.
PH. 372-1497

See What's
The Browse Shop
LITERATURE Stanley Hopper
PHYSICS Samuel Rapport
Cawpes Shop t Boohstore___

MALE STUDENT to share apt. in
University Gardens. 702 SW 16
Ave., Apt. 201. Anytime after 5
p.m. (C-64-3t-p).
MALE ROOMMATE for next term
or move in now. Preferrably Law
student. 2 bedroom house, one mile
from campus. $32.50 per month.
Call 8-3230. (C-61-ts-c).
ROOMMATE to share 4-room
house. SIOO per tri. plus 1/3 of
utilities. Very quiet location. Call
8-4814 after 5 p.m. (C-63-4t-c).
MALE ROOMMATE to share two
bedroom apartment three blocks
from campus. S3O per month. Call
Bill at 378-4746. (C-63-3t-c).
ROOMMATE to share 2 bedroom
house with nut. $45 a month. In Includes
cludes Includes utilities. 211 NW 9 Terr,
after 6:00, see Lee. (C-63-4t-c).
FOR 2 GUYS who like to raise
cain, party and study. Call Do-Well
Charlie for winter trimester apt.
One block from campus, at 1224
SW 1 Ave. 2-6225. (C-65-2t-c).
ONE ROCK N ROLL lead guitar
player that can sing, for estab established
lished established rock n roll band. Booked
solid next trimester. Call Jim at
2-6225. (C-65-2t-c).
graduate student to share 2 bdrm.
central heat and air cond. apt. for
SSO. Contact Ron Sherman, 6-6396
or leave message. (C-65-2t-nc).
front corner double room with full
separate unit. Includes kitchen,
utility and study room privileges
with linen and maid service. 231
SE 2 St. Call 376-4592. (C-65-
apartment three blocks from
campus. One bedroom. Call 378-
4893. (C-58-st-c).
modern air conditioned apartment.
Call after 5:00 at 8-3586. (C (C---62-ts-c).
--62-ts-c). (C---62-ts-c).

LIVE IN STYLE at Univ. Gardens.
Need one roommate for new 2
bedroom, 1 bath central heat &
air.,, all electric, furnished apt.
Pools, tennis courts, handball.
Only $41.25 per month and 1/4
utilities. f)rop postcard to Don
Nunneker, 712 SW 16 Ave., Apt.
208. Pll contact you. (C-65-2t-c).
Va., Leave Dec. 12. Call Keith
at 372-9307. (C-65-2t-nc).
apt. Univ. Apts., 2 blocks from
campus. Central heat and air cond.
$33/mo. Call Larry Glazer, 372-
4124 before Friday 12/10. (C-65-
FEMALE ROOMMATE for 2nd tri trimester.
mester. trimester. Large 2 bedroom apt.
across street from campus. Call
372-8569. (C-65-2t-c).
RIDE TO MIAMI. Would like to
leave Dec. 17 and return Jan. 5.
S. Brown, rm 2028 Hume. Call
6-9227. (C-65-2t-nc).
1959 FORD. Business coupe. $295.
Call after 6 p.m. 376-9067. (G (G---64-3t-c).
--64-3t-c). (G---64-3t-c).
1956 PLYMOUTH. Ideal for
campus transportation. $135.
Call 6-0264. (G-64-3t-c).
Top mechanical condition. $595.
Call 378-4970. (G-64-2t-p).
1962 CORVAIR MONZA. 4-speed,
standard transmission, radio, 4
new tires. Transmission and en engine
gine engine just overhauled. S9OO or offer.
Phone 6-3261, ext. 2267 (day), or
6-0889 after 6 p.m. (G-64-3t-p).
1963 VOLKSWAGEN, red. Radio
and heater. sllsO. Call 2-6821
after 5:30 and weekends. (G-65-
1964 KARMAN GHIA and 1964
Chevrolet Impala, for sale or
trade. Small equity continue pay payments.
ments. payments. Pay off near wholesale
value. Both in excellent cond. Call
6-1564 after 5:00 or before 9 a.m.
1956 DESOTO, power brakes,
steering. Air cond., heat. Recently
tuned, new battery. Top condition.
$225. Call Health Center, ext.
5701. (G-65-2t-c).
Just Arrived At
Regimental Stripe
Gator Orange & Blue
Ties In Pure Silk
Shoe Repair Shop!
I 5 MINS. |
I 15 MINS. I
I At 2 Locations I
I FR 6-0315 I
I 101 N. Main St. I
I Opp. Ist Nat'l bank j
I FR 6-5211 |

327 engine, power glide, tonneau
cover, transistorized ignition sys system,
tem, system, good condition. Call 378-2057.
TIBLE. CONVERTIBLE. In excellent cond. White/
red interior. 250 hp VB, all power
asist. and many other extras.
Phone 376-4936. (G-62-ts-c).
1958 MG A. Excellent mechani mechanically.
cally. mechanically. Must sell. Best offer. Call
George Gagel, 376-9256 after 12
noon. (G-62-st-c).
for sale
MOBILE HOME, 1964 Skyline, 10
x 52*. One bedroom, completely
furnished. $3600 or best offer.
Financing available. Phone 376-
2787 after 5 and weekends. (A (A---63-4t-c).
--63-4t-c). (A---63-4t-c).
STEEL STRING guitar, good tone,
going cheap. Call 8-4249 after 5.
1965 HONDA 65 cc. Like new.
Must sell. $275. Make offer. Ron
Holden, 376-9158, Hume Hall,
room 2110. (A-60-7t-c).
1964 80 cc YAMAHA motorcycle.
Excellent condition. Must sell.
Call R. Corseri, 2-0358. (A-63-
1963 HONDA SPORT 50. Very good
condition. $l5O. Call 8-4910. (A (A---65-2t-p).
--65-2t-p). (A---65-2t-p).

!) \

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

for sale
rug, blue rug, hi-fi radio-record
player, kitchen table, upholstered
chaise, barbecue pit, men's
English bike, window fan. Call 378-
1570 after 6. 101 NW 21 St. (A (A---65-2t-c).
--65-2t-c). (A---65-2t-c).
1964 HONDA 150. Forced to sell.
$295. Call Robert Bass at 372-
9220. (A-64-3t-p).
TRIUMPH 500 cc motorcycle. All
aluminum engine, $450. Contact
Mike Green, FR 6-3086. (A-64-
1963 ALLSTATE compact motor motorscooter.
scooter. motorscooter. Convenient transporta transportation.
tion. transportation. 35 mph. See afternoons. Worth
$l3O, only SB4. 2626 NW 2 Ave.
TRAILER, 20x8. Ideal living quar quarters
ters quarters for students. Air cond., rea reasonable.
sonable. reasonable. Also Baldwin Grand Pi Piano,
ano, Piano, makes nice X-mas present.
Reduced. 378-3463. (A-65-2t-c).
MOBILE HOME. 1956 model travel
home. Bx3o, 2 bedroom. One con converts
verts converts into study. Ideal for students.
SBOO. or any reasonable cash offer.
Contact Robert Teboe at 376-4680
or see at Shady Nook Trailer Park,
Lot #34. (A-65-2t-p).
8 x 28 ELCAR TRAILER. Air cond,
heat, furnished. Excellent condi condition.
tion. condition. $795. Phone 376-7478 even evenings.
ings. evenings. (A-65-2t-c).
FRIGIDAIRE refrigerator, $25.
Smith Corona skyriter portable
typewriter, $25. Buick hardtop
1955 special, $175. TV antenna
20' mast, sls. TV Westar 8-PIA
$35. Call 2-1300. (A-61-6t-p).

Page 15

, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

Page 16

JFths suiuia innENTUS£S #
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6URED PMi gja ipcm rn>rw| jhawods wuh BBBMitf |jg!jpgjj|
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>on w tra*./ Birr aili hmeto ,r t* of the rffAwgW *> puncJ
> [
My KXHCgHE B EgyEPILA IPS'*** HOglTZEfi aapc .yllwHoopa* sow tucdc ~
s 2E?A t 22f : l
gw*?* hums? soam?

Ill have a Louisiana Fizz,
**l dont think I know that drink,
Why, its 25 parts gin and one
part sodu.
Shall I squeeze a bit of lemon
peel into it?
Suh! When I want a lemonade
Ill order it!
Sterile parents seldom transmit
this defect to their children.


clip this w...AbLE rc.-p*
Reg. sl.lO Box Dinner wm. cop
CLUDES: 3 pieces of Frieri^^^^p
Chicken, French Fries,
Slow or Grovy ond CbJ ja£u
One Coupon Per Customer!
KnWki| fKed Afcktn
214 N,W. 13th St. 207 N.E. 16th Ave.
Phone 376-6472 Phone 378-2959

A countess sued a man for de defamation
famation defamation of character because he
had called her a pig. The man was
fined and afterwards, he asked
the judge, You mean I can never
call the Countess a pig again?*
Thats right, was the reply.
Well, said the defendant, is
it all right if I call a pig Countess?
That you can do, said the
The defendant then turned toward
the witness box, looked her right
in the eye, and said, Good after afternoon,
noon, afternoon, Countess.

J sWfi)tt
Hjj> <:. Jfl
wm JH
| Campus Shop I
i &. Bookstore!
i Donigans I
S Belk-Lindsey I
j Wises I
| Drug Stores!

cre ting, and making the man
J insular co-existence.
HANDLING WOMEN orange peel. -59
/ by don addis ON DESERT ISLANDS

How many times have you found
rourself in a sophisticated man manyoman
yoman manyoman situation on a deserted
tropic isle and asked yourself,
"What do I do now?
Such opportunities dont knock
every day, and this is no time
to be standing about awkwardly,
digging your toes into the hot sand.
It is important to come prepared.
Most important, you must be able
to deal with and make the most
0 f __ your companion, who, being
feminine, is likely to take an un unrealistic
realistic unrealistic view of the whole thing.
Some Peelboys are lucky enough,
while tooling about the Caribbean
in their Chris-Crafts, to bump into
ice bergs every time out, usually
within a stones throw of an un uninhabited
inhabited uninhabited island. Others can cruise
around all weekend without sight sighting
ing sighting a single ice berg.
If you are one who does not
regularly have such luck, or if
your Havana-bound tourist vessel
seldom hit sub-surface reefs just
after youve met a pretty fellow
passenger, you will be interested
in the science of Getting Marooned
Artificially. A prearranged ship shipwreck
wreck shipwreck is often more favorable, in
fact, since you can then plan what
items youll be able to salvage
from your wrecked craft, such as
several cartons of cigarettes, a
case of beer, and other useful tools.
Getting Marooned Artificially is
only a complicated variation on the
old out-of-gas routine. Paddle your
canoe in circles until your young
lady is completely lost, then tip it
over and carry her ashore to your
convenient island. If you are deft
at confusing your com; inion, you
may even be able to Get Marooned
Artificially without the use of a
Subterfuge will overcome minor
problems. If she starts asking
questions, be vague, change the
subject often, and use a lot of
Looky There-ism, a practice you
will find most useful.
Irving, she might say, if shes

- Mr I
* *%jW ' : J^^^mmo* o m 'Â¥* v-> jflfijp* | m
* .liir JsbM MmMHBk &
7 >: :
V*..And Momma, he grabbed me and screamed, A Florida M
no introduction! . ..

a thinking woman, How could we
be marooned on an island if we got
here in your sports car?
Oh, looky there, Gilda! That
looks like a banana tree! or
Looky there! Those fiddler crabs
appear to be fighting.
When it becomes necessary to
prevent her from exploring the
island and discovering it is really
on the mainland not 100 yards from
the all-night eatery where youve
been hunting those wild birds
each night. Keep-Busyism comes
into play. Assign her simple tasks
to keep her out of trouble, like
constructing a lean-to. gathering
berries, or wrapping bandages.
This also works when she gets
the idea she can wade across to
the next island, which you know to
be Miami Beach. You dont want
her to know the water is ankle
deep all the way across, so remind
her that these waters are shark sharkinvested,
invested, sharkinvested, and have a high bacteria
count, to boot.
Assuming youve gotten yourself
successfully marooned, through
subterfuge or for real, youll want
to learn the art of Rescue Avoiding.
If the shipwreck is staged, you
might do well to post the area in
advance with NO TRESPASSING
signs, thus avoiding rescue by pic picnickers,
nickers, picnickers, beach boys, or a passing
Girl Scout cook-out.
If your lady friend suggests
writing HELP in the sand, have
difficulty finding a suitable writing
implement. Then, if she persists,
take pains to write it where it will
be washed away by the tide. It isnt
hard to develop laryngitis when she
advises calling for help, and if she
wants to do the calling, quickly stuff
some bananas in her mouth, on
the pretense that shes looking un undernournished.
dernournished. undernournished. Carry nothing
larger than a rabbits foot for a
distress flag, and if any boats
pass too close, divert her atten attention
tion attention with Looky There-ism.
Providing she is doubtful of ever
being rescued, she is ripe for the

Brave Girl Approach or Sturdy
White Hunter Routine:
We must be miles from any
shipping lanes, Gilda! Could be
here for months! Brave Girl!
(clutching her to your chest) Ill
take care of you!
This is interchangeable with the
Lurking Danger Ruse:
I thought I saw a mountain lion
(wild pig, gorilla, hostile native)
over by that tree! Better stay close
to me!
Depending on your type of wo woman,
man, woman, you can employ one of the
following advances: (a) Inspired
Lets begin a new nation, Gilda,
and perhaps improve the breed!
(b) Primitive MeTarzan! Come
on up to my tree-hut and look at
my loin-cloth collection! (c) Stu Student
dent Student Care to take part in my
socio-biological experiments?
(d) Practical But, Gilda, why
go to the trouble of making two
Just for kicks, one can employ
the We Need More Coconuts
Dodge. Convince her that (1) the
only good coconuts are the ones
still on the trees, (2) that she,
being smaller, should climb up
after a few, and (3) that shell
need your help to boost her up.
Several pleasant minutes can be
passed cursing your clumsiness
and boosting.
All of these approaches are, of
course, mainly in the interest of
the girls well-being; to make her
ordeal on the island ultimately as
pleasant as possible. Your pangs of
conscience can be erased in the
knowledge that you are only keeping
her busy, in your own unselfish
way, so she wont have time to
worry. Keep telling yourself this,
and stop smirking. Toward this
end you might playfully bury
her in the sand until she in ab absolutely
solutely absolutely helpless. If you need my
advice beyond this point, you have
no business reading a mans maga magazine
zine magazine in the first place.
Often effective, if she doesnt
get wise, is the Golly-I-Wish-We-
Had-Something-To-Wave Gambit,
also called the Wish-We-Had-A-
Pot-Holder Ruse:
Confound it, Gilda! Thats the
third fish Ive dropped in the fire!
If only we had a pot holder so I
wouldnt burn my fingers! How
about tearing off a fragment of
your dress?
Okay, but I gave you a fragment
of my dress last night and the night
before! Im running out of dress!
I know, my dear, but I keep
losing them in the fire.
Irving, why dont you ever tear
off a fragment of your shirt?
Oh, looky there! Isnt that a
sea gull trying to steal our ber berries?
ries? berries? Shoo there, you crazy bird!
Oh darn! Now Ive dropped the pot
holder in the fire again. Say, Gilda,
how about tearing off another frag fragment
ment fragment ...
I attribute my greater than
average strength to my huge

TlftC |

/ a mrwJM } a v f M
Just as soon as those students get a little closer, Ill turn on the
** *'
NEW ORANGE PEEL, 63 _" *.'

111 111 I HI
y, knock '* lmj . RANGER

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

Page 17

, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

Page 18

/ iW JW>L XVu6
j c&txwsA iSki c fa*uL u ; n^ky
The Good
OF Days

might expect, are not always good.
Some are Not-So-Good, and Poor,
and not a few actually downright
Bad. Some are ROTTEN. Some are
blech, others Phoo. Some, too, are
nothing at all. And it is very im important
portant important not to confuse them.
Say, for example, you are at a
cocktail party. Somebody mentions
the Roaring Twenties, and you im immediately
mediately immediately add, Ah, yes, the Good
Ol Days! when in reality those
were not the Good Ol Days at all!!
What a horrible, gauche, naive
thing to have said! Everyone would
slowly turn and fix you with icy
stares, conversation would come to
a stop, and poor you, unaware of
your blunder, could only stand
there and listen as everybody
gathered into little cliques to talk
about you.
That fellow standing over
there/ they would be saying, the
one with the idiot-grin on his face.
Did you hear what he called the
Good OP Days?* Or maybe, Jack Jackie,
ie, Jackie, why dont you be the one to be
polite and go over and talk to the
Idiot. But be sure and not bring up
the subject of the Good OP Days.
He doesnt understand.**
And so, reduced to social rubble,
you would eventually become the
butt of every joke, the perennial
buffoon, until finally you would
either be forced to leave society
and become a fur-clad hermit, or
be driven to suicide.
CHARLATAN, therefore, has
prepared an outline of the Good OP
Days, to. be used as a reference.
Memorize it, learn its language,
and when you go to your next party
and someone says, Do you re remember
member remember the Muntz Jet?* you will
be able to reply, correctly, Yes,
indeed! I rode in one once. Those
were the GOOD OL DAYS!
Starting with the most recent
past, we shall work backwards in
our determination of the GOOD OL
DAYS. The most recent period
which can be accurately evaluated
is the period from January, 1958,
to the beginning of October, 1962.
This period is NOT the good, ol
days. First of all, it is not qiiite
old enough. Secondly, it was the
time of the Edsel. Third, the re-
Raccoon coats are FUNKY


suits of the 1960 Presidential elec elections
tions elections were highly disappointing
Homer A. Tomlinson did not win,
nor did he come close. Anybody who
refers to the GOOD OL DAYS is
either (1) from Houston, which
finally got a major league ball
team, or else (2) less than 4-1/2
years old.
The period since then, i. e., the
last couple of weeks, can without
any great inaccuracy be called the
GOOD OL DAYS. This is because
they have not been determined con conclusively
clusively conclusively yet. The correct reply
for the question, What day of the
week did the second fall on? could
easily be, Tuesday. Ah, those
were the Good Ol* Days!
From somewhere about 1952 to
the beginning of 1958 is definitely
Good Ol Days. This is because
(1) it was before everybody in the
world had read Catcher in the Rye
and decided they felt just like Hol Holden
den Holden Caulfield, and (2) everybody
still had plans of taking the whole
summer and driving through
America so they could say they
had been in every state in the
Union. They were, furthermore,
Good because it was before the
Kingston Trio was looked down
upon for not being genuinely ethnic.
If someone claims that these days
are NOT goo<%you can immediately
assume (1) they never finished high
school, and (2) they are associated
somehow with the Communist
From 1950 to 1952 is, of course,
still disputed. For most people,
any WAR is a Good Ol* Days, and
for many others, Harry Truman
was a blot upon this countrys
history. We shall have to assign
1950-52 to the realm of the rare
but definitey NEUTRAL OL DAYS.
The postwar years 1945-50, are
pretty POOR, as far as OP Days
go. You can almost certainly say
that anySpostwar years are bad
unless (£) there was another WAR
following, or (2) a
sudden relaxing of the countrys
morals caused an alarming in increase
crease increase in the illegitimate birth
rate. The postwar years 1945-50
are especially poor as (1) they
were horrible wine-vintage years
and (2) everything started coming
in cellophane bags which to this
day nobody, nobody, can open with without
out without using their teeth.
The WAR was a Good one, worthy
of nostalgia because (1) we won,
and (2) we solved the German prob problem.
lem. problem. In claiming that the WAR was
the good ol* days, you neednt have
any fear of offending someone who
might have known someone killed
in the War, because (1) they have
probably forgotten all about it by
now, and (2) you can remind them

that not as many people were even

killed in the Second World War as
were in the Civil War. If you find
someone who doesnt like the years
1940-45 you will be able to deduce
that he is either (1) an ex-Nazi,
or (2) a War casualty a quad quadruple
ruple quadruple amputee who never quite
learned to write, paint or play the
piano with a stick held between
his teeth.
The thirties are not very Good
OP Days. For one thing, people*
are unnaturally prejudiced against
depressions. Another, anybody who
was born during the Depression is
a Depression Baby, and Depression
Babies, as we all know, dont like
anything; they are neurotic because
their parents did not want them.
Simply because Deusenbergs were
made in the thirties and Spain had
a revolution is not sufficient rea reason
son reason to call the thirties GOOD. When
somebody mentions the thirties in
conversation, the correct thing to
do is nod your head sadly and say,
Ah yes. Ah yes. The thirties.
The Roaring Twenties are, con contrary
trary contrary to popular opinion,
WRETCHED OP Days. This is be because
cause because the true society, hidden be beneath
neath beneath a thin veneer of raccoon
ctoats, goldfish-swallowing, bath bathtub
tub bathtub gin, and swift 1925 Hupmobiles,
was uncomfortable and distress distressingly
ingly distressingly sober. People who talk about
the Twenties in glowing terms are
the type of people who probably
went out one dark December night
with a friend of a friend and went
to a real live speakeasy where they
had to pay a dollar for a coffee-cup
full of rotten gin, and later they got
sick and threw up, but theyve been
talking about it in glowing terms
ever since. Just a couple of years
Harry Truman is NEUTRAL
ago a very naive company tried to
bring back the raccoon coat. They
failed, because (1) raccoon coats
smell funky, and (2) who wants to
pay a hundred dollars for a funky
coat that leaves a trail of hair?
The years 1910-20 were all
right. There was a War. There was
a vice president who did only one
thing of note during his term of
office: he said, What this country
needs is a good five-cent cigar!
There were, at one time, four
major political parties, all of which
favored (1) prohibition, and (2)
War. There was an interesting re revolution
volution revolution in Russia, and we, as
usual, rooted for the underdog:
the Communists. Nobody had ever
heard of jazz music, traditional
or otherwise. You could still go to
Oklahoma and get scalped by a
genuine Indian. If you had a lot of
ambition, you would want to be
President of the United States or
a hero War General; if you were
even more ambitious, you might
A college student is one who
enters his alma mater as a fresh freshman
man freshman dressed in green and emerges
as a senior dressed in black.
The intermediate process of decay
is known as a college education.
The will of a wealthy eccentric
was being read and all the rel relatives
atives relatives listened expectantly. Final Finally,
ly, Finally, the lawyer said, And to
my nephew, Charles Brown whom
I promised to rememberHi
there, Charlie!*
An eccentric person without
money, is known by any other name
as crazy.


want to be> the owner of an oil or
pipeline trust.
The first decade of this century
is generally, out of politeness, re referred
ferred referred to as GOOD. This is because
nobody really re members back that
far they only think they do. In
order not to offend a great number
of people who insist they remem remember
ber remember back that far, then, one gener generally
ally generally replies, when hearing another
refer to 1900-1910 as GOOD OL
DAYS, Mmmm hmm. The Good
or Days, and at this dramatic
juncture, you allow a merry twinkle
to creep into your eyes, stroke
your chin with the fingers of your
right hand, and glance up at the
ceiling. You may then tell about
(1) Pearys discovery of the North
Pole, (2) the signing of the New Newfoundland
foundland Newfoundland Fishing Treaty, or (3)
the assassination of King Carlos of
Portugal in 1908. Do NOT mention
(1) the Boer War or (2) the Gal Galveston
veston Galveston storm.
The period between the Civil
War and the turn of the century,
taken in a lump sum, is POOR.
The Gay Nineties, although nobody
knows just exactly why, are GOOD
OL DAYS. The Nineties are GOOD
becuse (1) they have a special
adjective all their own, Gay,
and (2) people rode around on bi bicycles
cycles bicycles with great big front wheels
and little bitty rear ones. The rest
of the post-Civil-War period is
BLECH. The reason for this is (1)
it is no longer possible to talk
about Black Reconstruction
without offending the Negro, and
(2) there was only one Democrat
in the Presidents chair during the
entire time.
The Civil War is GOOD. It is not
to be referred to either as The
War of the Rebellion nor The
War Between the States because
this is anti-Southern. The Civil
War was GOOD because it was (1)
gallant and (2) a horrible, never neverto-be-forgotten
to-be-forgotten neverto-be-forgotten carnage which
nearly wrecked the Dear Nation.
Tasteless things to say concerning
this period include (1) anecdotes
about President Lincolns clever
wit, and (2) admitting that you had
an ancestor who was an officer in
the War. People who do not like
the War either (1) have no sense
of humor or (2) come from Kansas,
which is worse.
Before the Civil War, Good Ol
Days get harder and harder to find.
The high points of the ante-bellum
period include (1) when Texas was

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The Black Plague is PHOO
rush; (3) the Days of Chivalry;
(4) the Great Crusades; (5) ie days
of the Roman Republic; and (6) back
when everybody lived in caves and
ate dirt. Things which are NOT
Good Ol Days include (1) (lie War
of 1812; (2) when the Black Plague
came to London; and (3) ancient
Chinese civilizations.
AT good thing to do, if you want
to become a whiz at cocktail party
conversation, is to learn a whole
lot about one particular historical
event and then just barge right into
a cocktail party and scream at the
top of your lungs, I happen to have
done a good deal of research on
the subject, and I happen to know
that what you just said is entirely
incorrect. President Kruger aban abandoned
doned abandoned the Transvaal on September
12, 1900. People will suddenly
stop talking and look at you. This
is your cue to hold up your drink,
smile distainfully, and continue,
Yes. Those were the Good Ol
Bicycles with teeny wheels: OK
Or you might become adept at
some occult art such as phreno phrenology.
logy. phrenology. Dressed in a silk suit with a
flowing black cape, you could rush
into a cocktail party and just stand
there until somebody asks you,
What are you doing here? and
you would reply, Im the Phreno Phrenologist.
logist. Phrenologist.
Or you could buy a 1916 model
Continued on P. 19

||||f|l|B M Jwitai* -**'
mmSB W + m ~ :
ggflw Mse?
m JK p
I Continued from p. II
|Hont fret it lad, bellowed Don hoarsely,
a pose on a forgotten rock stile and
Hiring into the spy glass. Just take a
Hh in your buckle and hold to your course,
Heve more barnacled hatches to batten
H than crying oer split brine and ye can
o that, me bucko!
H'hats okay with me, Don, but what about
Hhats what Im talking about, you ranti-
B But I grow uneasy as dusk draws nigh,
you remember to bring along the beads,
Bets, and Redstocking trading cards

Sir Render and the Dragon
Continued from p. 8

rMy name is Render of Pith,
I bellowed, and I have slain this
[agon at the kings order so that
nay marry his daughters hand
Id half the kingdom in the bargain
Id if I ever catch you three duds
I my half of the kingdom Ill have
u, by tunket, thrown in irons be bere
re bere you can say XXIV! The
kond guard thumbed through his
anual to see if current regu reguitions
itions reguitions permitted such action.
Youll not!poo-pooed the first
aard, for I shall dwell a-straddle


Pad Searching
Continued from p. 2

"obably be informed of umver umverlty
lty umverlty regulations and policy" that
111 sena you straight into Warthog
where your happy student
ol f rs are whiled away listening to
thousand happy fratrats filling the
flight air with their hoots and
uuipeting from the intradamn-
Ur als field next door, or later,
>out a m , you can hear the har haro
or haro ious clattering of empty beer
tns being kicked yard by yard
r oss the length of the asphalt
ir king i o t # These will present
Problems, unless the dorm
lc ket inside drowns them out.

should we come upon hostile natives or a
fraternity cook-out?
I remembered, said Cliffie puckishly.
but faithful Growler has made a tatters of
them in three lambs of a shakes leg. Per Perhaps
haps Perhaps the natives will settle for a copy of
Happy Hooligan. Better yet, maybe theyll
settle for faithful Growler.
With this thought in mind, they hurried on,
growing uneasy as dusk drew nigh and leaping
shadows leaped from every shadow.
Weepers, Cliffie, Don whispered, pulling
at his drooping knickers, Aint you
Scared? Only a fool or a liar will say hes
scared. War is heck, Don, but this night is a
ferry ride next to Iwo and Guadal. Death
lurked behind every palm frond, the night as
black as pea soup, the yellow devils inching
toward our trench on their elbows and me
with but a clay-clogged .03 and a sharp bottle
opener afixed to the muzzle.
Winkles! What happened?
I was skeered on a Hottentots unerring
shaft. The Boer Wars were no ferry ride.
Cliffie, youre being puckish again,
chided Don, fastening a cotter pin through
his knee to uphold his knickers, but on
with our gripping adventure We have only
to subdue a clump of moss, analyze with
our Mr. Wizard portable lab to prove its
extra-terrestrial origin, and a victory is
just over the river and through the woods.

the border and when I see you
coming, I shall jump to the other
side and rudely extend my tongue
at you! The third guard checked
his handbook to see if any such
conduct might be termed insub insubordinate,
ordinate, insubordinate, and if the guard would
required papers to be permitted
to jump across the border.
After a thrice or two of quib quibbling,
bling, quibbling, Render persuaded the first
guard to direct the second guard
to dispatch the third guard to the
castle to see if anybody there knew


Os course, if the dorms and
"approved" houses are full, you
might get permission to live else elsewhere
where elsewhere if you sign a Boy Scout oath
that on your honor you will be
clean in word and deed, not drink,
spit, keep women, or bring Play Playboy
boy Playboy up to your apartment.
"Honor" should imply some
freedom of choice, right? The
"agreement" is an involuntary
condition, right? So expediently
sign the damn thing like it was a
Loyalty Oath and strike a blow for

Don Cliffie, and the Moss People

anything about a Render or Pith
who was supposed to slay a dragon.
Five hours later the guard stag staggered
gered staggered and gasped back to the road
block, affirmed that the princess
herself had authorized Renders
O. K., and expired of a burst spleen
by the roadside.
To be sure that Render was not
just another fly-by-knight dragon
skinner trying to mulch a free half
a kingdom, the first guard forthwith
dispatched the second guard to
sprint up to the castle and get a
description of this Render charac character.
ter. character. Five hours later the guard
hove into sight, panting and
stumbling, but bearing the breath breathless
less breathless message, Indeed, the prin princess
cess princess herself has described Render
of Pith as what one might call
ruggedly handsome, with golden,
tousled, windblown hair; a finely
chiseled brow; a stern, rough-hewn
chin; an aquiline nose; and steely
gray eyes. He is also strong of
limb, stark of shoulder, stout of
chest, tall of height, and heavy of
weight. The second guard had
relayed all this in one breath,
which was his last, as he promptly
fell down and expired, his thumb
twitching in its final throes as
though fondling the pages of a
Scrutinizing Sir Render from
plume to shin guard, the first
official allowed the fellow before
him was hardly handsome. His
brow, if chiseled at all, might
have been done in soft soap by a
palsied apprentice. His hair was
dish-water brown, sparse, and
plastered down with one of those
greasy hair tonics. His chin, far
from stern or rough-hewn, was
barely visible under the gelatinous
lower lip. The nose was more
equine than aquiline, the eyes more
glassy than steely, more pink than
gray. To top it off, Render was
obviously weak of limb, stooped of
shoulder, pinched of chest, short
of height, and light of weight.
You are an imposter, an announced
nounced announced the remaining guard, clap clapping
ping clapping an iron mask on Sir Render.
You may even turn out to be the
foreign jackal of whom his majesty
has warned us. Ill have to con confiscate
fiscate confiscate that dragon.
Shortly thereafter, the first
guard married the kings daugh daughters
ters daughters hand and was much obliged
at receiving half the kingdom.
Render of Pith was subsequently
hanged in Effigy, a wee hamlet
on the countryside.

With this thought in mind they hurried on.
each lagging nervously behind the other, one
on the pretext of adjusting a surly knicker,
the other pretending to wax puckish for the
squirrels. Though ever alert for the Moss
People, they saw little more than a handful
of kiwis, a few dusty pine swifts, and a
semi-nude with wings (at whom they shied
rocks) perched on a rock over a scum scumlidded
lidded scumlidded sinkhole.
It may be only a hunch, hunched Don,
but I cant help feeling an erry imminence.
I can feel it emotionally. I can smell it
olfactorily. But I cant vocaly, verbally, or
orally name it or physically or manually put
my finger on it. I just mentally know that
the Moss People are here, that they know
were here, and that they know we know they
know were both here!
Could it be the fact that moss is begin beginning
ning beginning to grow out of my ears and hostrils?
suggested Cliffie, his voice suddenly becom becoming
ing becoming very mossy.
Its more than that, said Don. Whil Whilakers!
akers! Whilakers! Suppose the Moss People are able to
take on familiar forms, like Plastic Man.
Suppose they can assume the role of fence
post, a forgotten rock stile, an iron lawn
deer, or even I shudder at this point a
human being! Why they could move right in
with us and marry our daughters!
You are too smart, decadent Amerikaner
swine! said Cliffie through mossy, haber-

V am )
The Good Old Days
Continued from p. 18

Haynes Light Six and come to the
party dressed in a leather overcoat
and a pair of goggles. And if some somebody
body somebody compliments your car, this is
your cue to give the person a haugh haughty
ty haughty look and say, That is a 1916
Haynes Light Six. They dont make
them like that anymore, where whereupon
upon whereupon you walk outside, go up to
the first new car that you can find,
and smash in the door with your
Or better yet, come to the party
in a full-dress Mexican Army uni uniform
form uniform from the Mexican Revolution,
complete with spurs and sabre, and
keep your eyes open for an oppor opportunity
tunity opportunity to challenge the host to a
duel. When the host refuses your
challenge, you turn your back on
him, walk over to the nearest chair,
sink dejectedly into it, saying,
Bring me a bottle of whiskey,
please. Its just not the same any anymore.
more. anymore. And you take out your
sabre and carve a mystic symbol
on the floor in front of you.
The Art of Good-Ol-Dayis m as
you can no doubt see by now. is
no easy dhe to master. It is no
game for dullards and social neo-

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

dine-encrusted lips. You know too much, but
it is too late to prevent my people from
attaining their rotten, un-American goal.
Today Alachua County, tomorrow the world!*'
Could it be, Cliffie," asked Don incred increduously,
uously, increduously, addressing the matted, hulking heap
befog? him, that you are in reality a clump
of Spanish moss?*
Si, Senor, and when I am through secret secreting
ing secreting digestive acids at you, there will be no
more meddling fools to interfere with the
Movement! Put that in your pipe and whistle
Dixie, foolish American idealist! Bloated
capitalistic plutocrat!"
Quit messing around, Cliffie, said Don
impatiently. You had me going for a minute,
but we've got to get busy if were going to
solve this gripping adventure and save future
generations from the dreadful Moss People.
Now get out of that mass of unidentified
vegetation before you get hives and help me
look for moss!" With that Don tifrned his
sturdy back on Cliffie and began to crutinize
a stunted poplar.
Soon quiet reigned once more in the forest
glen. There was only the left-overs of some
careless litterbug an old picnic basket, a
pair of saggy knickers and high in a stal stalwart
wart stalwart oak, a fat, unobtrusive clump of moss
perused a penny dreadful and murmured
puckishly in the wind. That should teach
young readers to mind their mothers, pick
up their toys, and keep their left hand high."

phytes. Should you fee uneasy when
the subject comes up at the party,
you may pretend that you left your
car running and go outside and wait
until the topic is exhausted before
you return. But if you master the
art, you will be widely known and
admired for it. Good luck and God
bless you.

Page 19

i, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

Page 20

%11 a 1111111 l l1 \ l\l
v vnbc/V

Gilbert Shelton on
Reforming the
English Language

API ER MONTHS of painstaking research and devoted study, I have come up with the fol following
lowing following conclusions: (1) That the English language is the most mixed-up language in the world,
except maybe for Arabic; (2) We are, however, stuck with it; and (3) Since we are stuck with it,
we should of course do something about it.
The solution to our common problems lies in the form of several drastic revisions.
First of all, theres the old who-whom confusion. Everybody realizes that theres some deep
dark secret concerning the correct usage of these two words, but nobody, save perhaps a few hoary
English professors, really knows. The trouble lies in the similarity of the two words. To avoid
confusion in the future, and to make our New Language easier to pass on to future generations,
well simply chanjge the word whom to grommet. How could anybody become confused over
this: Grommet do you wish to speak to' please?
Then, theres the ei or ie battle. Brilliant, analytical minds have come up with all sorts of
rules in the last couple of centuries, such as i before e except after c, which, though easy to
learn as a rule, is frightfully inaccurate, and another, i over e plus the square root of p and
the Sine of LB, and all the rest have thirty-three (which was written by Archimedes in the
thirteenth century, but which applies only to words of eleven syllables or above) is too limited
in application. Since, demonstrably, all rules are inadequate, we shall again REVISE! Well
drop the ei and ie altogether and substitute something which nobody ever uses anyway: the
All confusion disappears in I just cant belfve .. and even lemon merange p<.
Perhaps the most perplexing problem is the conjugation of verbs such as swim and drink.
To solve this problem, it would be best to follow the fine example set by our good neighbors to
the south: I swim, I swimO, I have swimADO. You drink, you drinkO, you have drinkADO.
Another highly confusing point of the English language is the similarity in spelling of the
words read (present tense) and read (past tense). You could change the spelling of read (past
tense) to red, but this would risk an investigation which is the last thing we want associated
with our New Language, being all one-hundred-percent-red-blooded, etc., you know, and all that
So to insure the American-ness of our New Language, well change read (past tense) to red redwhite-and-blue.
white-and-blue. redwhite-and-blue.
Next comes the problem of the double letters. The real root of this problem lies in the fact that
double letters are not vividly impressed Upon the minds of the populace. Heres how to correct
that: Instead of address, well make it middddddressssssss. (Number of letters optional, but more
than two. This way no confusion.) : \
A touchy point with college students is the bid lie-lay choice. For this, we shall devise a simple
but effective coding system, consisting of sub-scripts for clarity. After die lie or lay, we will
merely insert a small number 1 or 2, the former indicating clearly the root verb lie, the latter
standing for the root verb lay. In this manner, the formerly difficult conjugations shall become
amazingly simple: I lie x down, I layj the book on die table, I have lain! down, I have laid the
book on the table, etc.
Another case of too-similar words is affect and effect. Since it is clearly impossible to distin distinguish
guish distinguish between the two in speech, both sounding like uhfect, we will change the printed form so
there will no longer be any confusion: instead of affect and effect, we shall have infect and de defect.
fect. defect. touche!
Always a difficult choice is between the pronouns which, what, and that. The only possible
thing to do here is to abolish all except which, or if still in doubt, use *A? And in the cases of
conjunctions (book which is, or, book what is, or, book that is eh one is it?), the problem will be
solved by combining all three into a new conjunction: which. (Long a.) Tbe automobile which
was being driven __

After watching a drunk fumble
helplessly with his door key, a
passer-by stopped and suggested
that he might help him handle the
I can handle the key all right.
snarled the drunk. You handle
the house.
I wish I had a nickel for every
girl I*ve kissed!
What would you do, buy a pack
of gum?
An efficiency expert with a large
clip-board was nosing around the
administration building. He ap approached
proached approached a secretary at a large
desk and inquired, Just what is
it you do here, Miss?
Nothing, she replied noncha nonchalantly.
lantly. nonchalantly.
Addressing a second girl, he
asked, And what are your duties
Aha! said the expert, scrib scribbling
bling scribbling in his notebook, dupli duplication.
cation. duplication.


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Open From 9 to 6
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Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965, The Florida Alligator,

Said the parson as he led the
little Louisiana girl down to the
Mississippi River, Sara Lou, Im
going to wash away all your sins!
Mercy, parson! In that little
An optimist is a guy who opens
a fifth in a crowded grandstand
and saves the cork.
Scene: A pub in the better
part of London; Worthington and
Bottomley meet.
Hello; how are you? Whats
Not much. How are You?
Tip-top. Seen any of the
No, not that I remember. Had
some word of Chumley though.
Oooh, Chumley: I say, is he
still running around with the Mar Martian
tian Martian girl?
Heavens no, gave her up along
time ago. *Es taken up with an
ape now.
Really. Male or female?
Female, of course. Theres
nothing queer about Chumley.

Page 21

!, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

Page 22

Where are the goldfish swallowers, the Rowbottom rioter s 9 Wl
1 -9&S&LL the campus wits of yesterday? Why have todays students f"v3

Reprinted by permission of
A couple of decades ago, when
Hugh Troy, who is generally con conceded
ceded conceded to have been the greatest
practical joker of all time, was an
undergraduate at CorneU Univer University,
sity, University, he happened to come across
a wastebasket made from the foot
of a rhinoceros. He saw it in the
house of an artist friend and asked
if he could borrow it. Then he
waited for the first snow of the
season. That night, after the snow
stopped falling, Troy and a con confederate
federate confederate attached two long lengths
of clothesline to the wastebasket,
one on either side and filled it with
heavy weights. Lowering it experi experimentally
mentally experimentally into the snow, they found,
as Troy had suspected they would,
\ C rtiMr
w m' 1 rH# \ 's sC
Yeah, I think we can use
you, Indian.
that it made a perfect rhinoceros
footprint. Each holding an end of
the line, they proceeded to walk
the basket all the way across the
campus to Beebe Lake, the source
of. the college's drinking water,
and onto the ice, where they hacked
out a huge jagged hole.
The tracks were discovered as
soon as dawn broke, and zoologists
were routed out of bed. They looked
at each other in stupefaction. "It
can't bel'* one cried. "It is!" said
another. They followed the tracks
to the hole in the ice, where they
concluded, logically enough, that
the rhino had broken through. The
newspapers headlined the aston astonishing
ishing astonishing news, and for days after afterwards
wards afterwards hundreds of the local people
refused to drink the water from
the lake. Presently, Troy and his
friend let word get around that it
all had been a hoax and the towns townspeople
people townspeople went back to tap water.
The merry-andrew spirit that
led Troy to this and other pranks
(he once put a flock of chickens,
ducks, pigeons, and other birds in
the university's pipe organ) was
characteristic of college students
during th§ first thirty or thirty thirtyfive
five thirtyfive years of this century. Students
were continually enga||d in such
stunts as kidnapping the captain
of a rival school's football team,
stealing the clappers from bells
in the clock towers or figging the
bells so that they would ring at

odd hours, or staging elaborate
At one time, college pranks were
designed not only to bedevil other
students and teachers but the old
folks at home as well. It was on
the Princeton campus a few years
ago that a rash of telegrams were
sent home. They all said, IGNORE
FIRST WIRE. Naturally, the par parents
ents parents who received them made fran frantic
tic frantic telephone calls to find out what
was afoot.
Such shenanigans, however,
were mild compared to the Row Rowbottoms,
bottoms, Rowbottoms, or riots, that kept the
campuses of the University of
Pennsylvania and other Eastern
colleges in a turmoil every spring
up until a few years ago. Legend
says that Rowbottom was the name
of a youth who started the first
springtime riot; over the years, his
name became a kind of "Hey,
Rube signaling the beginning of
mass marching and good, clean
destruction of property. Thie Row Rowbottoms
bottoms Rowbottoms have simmered down into
panty raids, or into the unique
competition that swept the country
some years ago that of seeing
how many people could cram them themselves
selves themselves into a Volkswagen or a tele telephone
phone telephone booth.
Only occasionally do student
capers erupt into something of
serious proportions. One such in incident
cident incident occurred in New Haven,
Connecticut, last St. Patrick's Day,
and was immortalized in newsprint
as The Yale Riots. A few days be before
fore before St. Patricks Day, snow had
fallen (snow seems to act as a kind
of wet, stickly catalyst for college
high jinks) and students had begun
snowball battles with each other
and townspeople.
ine snowfignts went on until' the
time of the annual St. Patrick's
Day parade. Then things really got
out of hand. A group of Yale men
chivalrously began pelting some of
the girls from Albertus Magnus,
and some others came to their de defense.
fense. defense. The police rapidly got into
the battle. "The whole thing could
have been as much the fault of the
police as the students,"areporter
on the New Haven Register told me
recently. "There wasn't much real
property damage done a few
store windows smashed in, here
and there," he continued, "but the
rioters easily could have got out of
hand. They swarmed all over the
town." A. Whitney Griswold, pres president
ident president of the university, took un unprecedented
precedented unprecedented action. He confined the
entire student body to campus, and
kept the rule in force for several
days, until he had a peace talk with
the city authorities.
But the Yale Riots were excep exceptional.
tional. exceptional. In most colleges today there
exists an atmosphere of studious studiousness,
ness, studiousness, sobriety and mannerliness.
Where, one wonders, are the
Beebes and the Troys? Where the
Rowbottoms? They seem all but
extinct, and I have a sneaking sus suspicion,
picion, suspicion, rapidly developing into a
lead-footed conviction, that most of
the fun and frivolity, the hell-rais hell-raising
ing hell-raising and hurrah, the roistering and
rambunctiousness that character characterized
ized characterized college students a generation
ago has vanished.
Something, too, has gone out of
the college humorists, once thick
as bison, and out of the magazines
they serve as values for
the high humor that cannot be en entirely
tirely entirely blown off in snow fights,
panty raids, and goldfish-swallow goldfish-swallowing
ing goldfish-swallowing contests.
The college humor magazines

once were so plentiful that a com commercial
mercial commercial mass-circulation maga magazine,
zine, magazine, appropriately enough called
"College Humor," was published
for years and served as an hilar hilarious
ious hilarious monthly anthology of the best
of student efforts. The magazines
at one time there were over
two hundred of them printed
cartoons, jokes,'sketches, paro parodies,
dies, parodies, essays, and short stories, as
well as poems such as the one of
anonymous authorship:
A divinity student named
Orifce wouldn't accept a degree.
"It's tough enough being
Without being Tweedle, D. D."
The magazines had names like
Widow (Cornell), Banter (Colgate),
Ski-U-Mah (Minnesota), Crimson
Bull (Indiana), Jackolatern (Dart (Dartmouth),
mouth), (Dartmouth), Pelican (University of Cal California),
ifornia), California), Columns (Washington),
etc. They spoke with the brashness
of youth, and the almost universal
tastelessness, and it added up to a
refreshing irreverence. Their edi editors
tors editors were continually in trouble
with the college authorities, simply
because they could not help offend offending
ing offending authority. Sometimes, too, they
got into trouble with the municipal
authorities, and the police.
As far as historians have been
able to ascertain, the first campus
humor magazine was the Harvard
Lampoon, founded in 1876, by four
men who wanted to do for the col college
lege college community what Punch, the
nationally circulated periodical
was doing for the nation at large.
Lampoon was an immediate suc success
cess success and was nickfaamed Lampy.
It was probably inevitable that
Harvard's traditional rival should
follow suit and in 1879, the Yale
Talent flocked to the funny mag magazines.
azines. magazines. The editorial board of the
Lampoon included, at various
times, Owen Wister, Edward Ever Everett
ett Everett Hale, William Randolph Hearst,
George Santayana, T. R. Ybarra,
Earl Derriggers, Harford Powel,
John Reed (Reed, whose book, Ten
Days That Shook the World, is bur buried
ied buried in the Kremlin wall, is listed in
the Lampoon directory as "Agi "Agitator"),
tator"), "Agitator"), Gluyas Williams, Freder Frederick
ick Frederick Lewis Allen, Robert Benchley,
Rogert Burlingame, John P. Mar Marquand,
quand, Marquand, Robert E. Sherwood, Oliver
LaFarge, and Saddrudin Aga Khan
(who, in addition to being the
brother of a god, also publishes
Paris Review).
In the early 19405, the editors
began parodying national maga magazines,
zines, magazines, and selling the special is issues
sues issues outside the campus. The
average sale was around twenty
thousand copies a high figure
for a campus magazine. Other
schools imitated the parodies, but
will lessuccess.
The Lampoon is known best to
the public at large, but colleges
around the country acknowledge
that the Stanford University
Chaparral has maintained the most
consistently superior standards
during the past few years. Also
unusual for a college magazine
it is a huge financial success.
"It appears monthly during the
academic year," writes the afore aforementioned
mentioned aforementioned Professor Williams in
his survey, "and circulates about
forty-five hundred copies to a
student body consisting of five
thousand undergraduates and three
thousand graduates over 50 per
cent and always shows a profit.

It is now heavily pictorial, with
local pin-ups (well clothed) and
numerous cartoons, but includes
jokes and stories.
A sixteenth anniversary edition
of Chaparral printed last June con contained
tained contained a selection of best* car cartoons
toons cartoons from its six decades, thereby
presenting a fairly comprehensive
panorama of the kind of humor
found in college magazines. When a
librarian at the University of Pitts Pittsburgh
burgh Pittsburgh says, College humor seems
to me to be a rather static thing,
based as it is so exclusively upon
the late adolescents discovery of
comedy in mans biological predi predicament,
cament, predicament, she is correct. A pre preoccupation
occupation preoccupation with sex has always kept
most of the college magazines in
hot water. In a survey I conducted
a few months ago, I learned that
nearly every one of the magazines
still in existence has been censor censored
ed censored or banned atone time or another
by college authorities.
Hum Bug, the University of
Utahs magazine, was, in the words
of the school librarian, L. H. Kirk Kirkpatrick,
patrick, Kirkpatrick, chloroformed by the
faculty. Legend has it, says
Kirkpatrick, that the naughtiest
cartoon in many a year got by the
board of censors because the pro professors
fessors professors were too innocent to know
what the kiddies were driving at.
Still, says Professor Williams,
at a number of other institutions
the magazines are doing well.
That is to say, they are surviving
here and there, despite the gener generally
ally generally low quality of their editorial
The trend at present is for the
humor magazine to become less
joke-and-cartoon book and to e evolve
volve evolve more in the nature of the
feature magazine (thank you
again, Professor Williams). The
Arizona Kitty Kat is an example.
Recent issues have had few, if
any, jokes and no shady cartoons,
using mainly clothed local
beauty pictures and news feature
pictures on such subjects as jazz
musicians and bands, and practice practiceteaching
teaching practiceteaching sessions; and written
matter on such subjects as the beat
generation, explusion from
college, grade averages, and the
history of college humor,
Williams writes.

1 tjppi il
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And Son, when you get to college, theres gonna be
some smart-alec come i*> and say, Boy, I can get you In Blue Key!*
Son, thatll be the Devil, standin right there beside you.

The most obvious explanation for
the decline of the college humor
magazine is that there is not as
much talent around as there once
was. And, accordingly, Walter
Frederick, Publications Director
of the University of California,
believes that college humor has
succumbed to outside competition.
The re are too many diversionary
interests to sidetrack the college
student of today, he says, and
too many increased avenues of
humor in the professional field.
As one student said to me, *Why
buy the Pelican when I can flick
a television switch and see a
SIOO,OOO-a-year professional co comedian?
median? comedian? Also, the majority of the
big-circulation magazines contain
a certain amount of humor.
It is true that the popularity of
national magazines like Playboy
and Mad has hit the college pub publications
lications publications hard.
The death of college humor may
be directly attributed to the fact
that college students these days
just dont feel funny. It may be,
says Louis T. Ibbotson, librarian
at the University of Maine, that
this generation is just too beat to
bother with humor. And a mem member
ber member of the staff at Middlebury Col College,
lege, College, in Vermond, adds, From
reading our literary magazine,
humor seems to be completely
lacking in most of the magazine.
He is not wrong, according to
James Thurber, whom I consulted
to get the final definitive comment.
Thurber, perhaps our most dis distinguished
tinguished distinguished living humorist, was
editor, in 1917, of the Ohio State
University Sun Dial. He told me
he had not read a college humor
magazine for years (Thank God,
he said), principally because he is
certain he could not understand the
language in which they are now
Still, some collegians can laugh
today, as a remark made recently
by a young cousin of mine proves.
His college, like all institutions of
higher learnings has recently been
spurring students to greater and
greater efforts, in accordance with
the new emphasis on education that
was launched when the Russians
beat us into space with Sputnik.
There is even a suspicion that in
some colleges professors are
pushing students through their
classes, just for the purpose of
turning out more graduates. I asked
this young man, whose grades were
poor all during his last semester,
what was the best joke hed heard
on the campus. The best joke;
he said, with a half-smile 4 was
I passed.

NOTICE: The Army ROTCsur ROTCsurvival
vival ROTCsurvival training program was post postponed
poned postponed yesterday because of rain.

. . ...
OF HOMER L TramUHdbylii o<||>omiwcK
*r*/Ve fry fia

The story of our hero Odytteus
(hereafter to be called Odd for the
sake of brevity) actually begins
as he starts back home after ten
years* fighting in the Trojan War.

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because now you can
complete Air Force ROTC in
just half the time!
Are you interested in starting a military career
while in collegebut afraid it will cut too deeply
into your schedule?
Well, heres good news for you. Air Force
ROTC now offers a 2-year program. You can
start it any time you have 2 years of higher edu education
cation education remainingwhether on the undergradu undergraduate
ate undergraduate or graduate level.
Heres another good thing about this pro program:
gram: program: you get a chance to sample Air Force
life before you sign up. During a special sum summer
mer summer orientation session, you get to make up
your mind about the Air Force, and the Air
Force gets to make up its mind about you. Only

The war was started when Helen,
a beautiful Greek maiden, was
carried off by an independent from
Troy. This infuriated the Greeks,
who immediately started the war

when both are satisfied are you finally enrolled
in the program.
Youll learn a lot in Air Force ROTC. The
curriculum has been completely revamped. The
accent is on aerospace research and develop development.
ment. development. But of course the classes are only the
beginning. The important thing is that youll be
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Find out more about the new Air Force
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in order to get her back. For ten
years, though, the Trojans suc successfully
cessfully successfully defended their city
against the Greek onslaughts.
Finally, Odd conceived the brilliant

plan of leaving a large supply of
heroine at the gates of Troy. The
Trojans tried it and soon became
so hopped up that the Greeks were
able to take the city easily. This
was the origin of the expression
Trojan horse."
The Greek army, led by Achilles
(who was a real heel), eagerly took
back Helen, now famous as the
face that launched a thousand
ships." However, they discovered
that after such treatment she was
no longer so beautiful and left her
standing amid the ruins
The Last Time I Saw Paris."
The Greek leaders collected their
army of pledges and set sail for
Meanwhile, back at the palace,
some of the Greek draft-dodgers
were free loading on Odd's posses possessions,
sions, possessions, drinking his Falstaff, and
each trying to persuade Odd's
faithful wife Penelope to marry
him. Penelope put them off, telling
them that she couldn't get tickets
to Reno.
To return to our main story,
Odd and his men take shore leave
for a few days on an island. The
island proves to be a bad choice,
as they are taken prisoners by
the Cyclops, a fearful one-eyed
monster who proceeds to eat
several of Odd's men. This amaz amazing
ing amazing act of the Cyclops makes him
unique in history the only person
who could ever stomach a Greek.
Our ever-resourceful hero es escapes
capes escapes this fate, however, and flees
with his remaining men when he
blinds the monster by smashing
his specially-made contact lens.
Odd and his crew sail off and
after awhile land on another island.
This one turns out to be the home
of Circe, a sorority housemother.
By her black magic, she turns
Odd's men into pigs so as to pro provide
vide provide dates for her girls. Odd him himself
self himself eludes her spell and really
snows her by giving her his frat
pin. Circe is so grateful she re releases
leases releases his men and invites them
to a year-long beer bust. Finally
they become impatient to be on
their way and ask Circe for per permission
mission permission to leave. She tells them to
go to hell.
So they did and Odd sets sail
once again. They sail by the Sirens,
who try to lure them to destruction

Oh, yeah'i How would you like your daughter married to oneV

on the rocks (a popular drink of the
day). Soon they come to another
island (it seems that by now they
should have learned to be leary of
islands) and land on it. This island
is the place where the Sun God
keeps his sacred cows, and Odd
warns his men not to eat them.
Boys will be boys, however, and
the hungry pledges eat the cattle
anyway; for this offense they are
annihilated to a man. Odd alone is
spared because he makes an offer offering
ing offering to Zeus and chants the sacred
Hail, oh great and mighty Zeus.
I cant believe you're such a geus.
Odd pushes on by himself and
eventually finds himself on another
island. This time he has the un unfortunate
fortunate unfortunate luck to be stuck with a
beautiful goddess named Calypso,
who holds Odd prisoner and forces
our unwilling hero to make love to
her. Poor Odd makes the best of
his terrible situation for about
eight or nine years.
Eventually Mercury, who has
been putting out the cat all this
time, comes home and finds Odd
with Calypso. He is infuriated,
takes away Calypsos original
Soundtrack of Spartacus," and
sends Odd off in a Fury. Odd soon
discovers that a Fury won't float
and he sinks to the bottom of the
sea, where Neptune has Odd driven
out of town on a seahorse and
dropped on the island of Phaeacla.
Nausicaa, daughter of the king,
finds Odd on the beach building a
gree, which was a popular make makeshift
shift makeshift shelter of the day. Nausicaa
runs up to him, recognising him
immediately for only Odd can
make agree. She takes him home
to see her etchings and Odd so
bores the king with his stories
that the king gives him a ship and
sends him home to Ithaca. There
he finds his house overrun with the
Odd threatens to cancel Pene Penelope's
lope's Penelope's subscription to Home
Beautiful." She decides that she
already has enough clothes, so she
sends the suitors away.
By this time, Odd has grown
weary from his trip from Troy to
Ithaca, so they move into Man Manhattan
hattan Manhattan where he wont have to com commute.
mute. commute.

Page 23

Page 24

, The Florida Alligator, Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1965

Oh, No! Not Steak Again . ORANGE PEEL, *6O

TODAY... >
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1 for 1
I I oeor Mom and Dad: You've been wondering sseU
i £ 9ift
I I tu aWecoegeyeo*^ f r^ e J-lf-
I 1 ally put these voluble c in to interv.ew-
Now can leol'y P the ho e w hen leg
I ' to mention cheaper
I 1 Dangers you soy sFAA^ pproV ed. >" I
I lcan9 eton^ i
i d ;?i'^ ,l e,essons 1
1 i
I ci *rn lessons won a y/eeW,
I I N'fc"''.", y Si2- 2to " I
1 :
I \ their gift Youn, I
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I oUr
I 1 rt ificates. I understand 1
| >
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Goinosvillt Municipal Airport
WttMo Rood GoinosviHt, Fla.

A young school teacher was
horrified to find a tell-tale puddle
on the floor of the cloak room.
After a lengthy lecture on the nas nastiness
tiness nastiness of such a deed, she instruct instructed
ed instructed all the pupils to lay their heads
on the desk and shut their eyes so
that the culprit would have a chance
to go into the cloak room unob unobserved
served unobserved and clean it up. She, in the
meantime, would wait outside in the
After a five-minute wait, the
teacher returned and went into the
cloak room. There on the floor
was a new puddle, along with the
old one, and scrawled cryptically
on the wall was the message: The
Phantom Strikes Again.
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow
nor hail can stop the Florida male.
Coed: Wheres Sally?
Housemother: I dont know. She
went to the library.

1 l. jtDttHS >/

J ;.' 9RH
w s& n
Yeah, but what if your dorm
has a fire drill?
Will you call me a taxi?"
Certainly, lady. Youre a taxi.
There was once a baseball um umpire
pire umpire in the Texas League who was
a thorough brute, both on and off
the field. He had for many years
beaten his wife and kicked his
child on alternate days of the week.
Suddenly, without warning, how however,
ever, however, a spectacular change came
over the bruiser. He arrived home
one evening with a mink coat and
a three-pound box of chocolates
for his wife and a new bicycle for
his son. He kissed his wife roundly,
sat down, and invited the lad to
come sit on his lap. But the boy
absolutely refused to do so.
MORAL: The son never sits on
the brutish umpire.
t. ft: Li JL 'ft
gig [ /