• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Front Matter
 Half Title
 Frontispiece
 Title Page
 Dedication
 Table of Contents
 List of Illustrations
 Some Antecedents of Masters Henry...
 This Chapter is Devoted to...
 Devoted to Both Harry and Tommy....
 Tommy and Harry at Mr. Barlow's....
 Leonidas and the Conceited...
 Which Contains Story the Secon...
 The Crocodile and the Presumptuous...
 Alfonso and the Volatile New...
 Master Tommy and Harry at Work...
 Arsaces and the Unnecessary...
 Tommy's Act of Charity. - Harry's...
 The Uncles and the Ants
 The Blackberry Feast at Kind Mr....
 The Spanish Bull-Fight, as Arranged...
 Dinner of a Confidential Character...
 Of the Sad Illness of Mr. Barlow,...
 The Sage and the Onion
 Of Harry and Tommy's Great Gardening...
 The Magistrate and the Elephant;...
 Showing What as the Result of Masters...
 What Happened to Mr. Texter. Harry...
 Legend of Don Ditto and the Dutchmen;...
 A School-Day of Studies with Mr....
 Approach of Holidays. Mr. Barlow...
 Showing What Tommy Meant By It....
 Agesilaus and the Elastic...
 Continuation of the Evening at...
 Master Tommy Merton's Continued...
 Of Christmas-Day at Farmer Sandford's....
 Advertising
 Back Cover
 Spine






Group Title: The new history of Sanford and Merton : being a true account of the adventures of "Masters Tommy and Harry," with their beloved tutor, "Mr. Barlow."
Title: The new history of Sanford and Merton
CITATION PAGE TURNER PAGE IMAGE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00026996/00001
 Material Information
Title: The new history of Sanford and Merton being a true account of the adventures of "Masters Tommy and Harry," with their beloved tutor, "Mr. Barlow."
Physical Description: xvi, 268, 4 p., 1 leaf of plates : ill. ; 19 cm.
Language: English
Creator: Burnand, F. C ( Francis Cowley ), 1836-1917
Day, Thomas, 1748-1789
Sambourne, Linley ( Illustrator )
Bradbury, Agnew and Co
Publisher: Bradbury, Agnew, and Co.
Place of Publication: London
Publication Date: 1873
Edition: 2d ed.
 Subjects
Subject: English wit and humor   ( lcsh )
Boys -- Conduct of life -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Conduct of life -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Domestics -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Beggars -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Friendship -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Knights and knighthood -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Teachers -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Charity -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Students -- Juvenile fiction   ( lcsh )
Juvenile fiction -- Jamaica   ( lcsh )
Parodies -- 1873   ( rbgenr )
Caricatures -- 1873   ( rbgenr )
Publishers' advertisements -- 1873   ( rbgenr )
Bldn -- 1873
Genre: Parodies   ( rbgenr )
Caricatures   ( rbgenr )
Publishers' advertisements   ( rbgenr )
novel   ( marcgt )
Spatial Coverage: England -- London
 Notes
Statement of Responsibility: by F.C. Burnand ; with seventy-six illustrations by Linley Sambourne.
General Note: A parody of Thomas Day's The history of Sandford and Merton.
General Note: Publisher's advertisements follow text.
Funding: Preservation and Access for American and British Children's Literature, 1870-1889 (NEH PA-50860-00).
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00026996
Volume ID: VID00001
Source Institution: University of Florida
Holding Location: Baldwin Library of Historical Children's Literature in the Department of Special Collections and Area Studies, George A. Smathers Libraries, University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved, Board of Trustees of the University of Florida.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 002223016
notis - ALG3264
oclc - 02703594

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Page 1
        Page 2
    Front Matter
        Page 3
    Half Title
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 6
    Frontispiece
        Page 7
    Title Page
        Page 8
        Page 9
    Dedication
        Page 10
        Page 11
    Table of Contents
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
    List of Illustrations
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
    Some Antecedents of Masters Henry Sandford and Tommy Merton; Their Respective Bringings-Up. Chapter the First Being Devoted to Tommy.
        Page 20
        Page 21
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        Page 23
        Page 24
    This Chapter is Devoted to Harry.
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
    Devoted to Both Harry and Tommy. Here Also We Encounter for the First Time Mr. Sandford, Mr. and Mrs. Merton, and the Renowned Mr. Barlow.
        Page 30
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
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        Page 35
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    Tommy and Harry at Mr. Barlow's. How the Studies and the Stories Commenced.
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
        Page 41
        Page 42
    Leonidas and the Conceited Pedlar.
        Page 43
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        Page 47
        Page 48
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    Which Contains Story the Second
        Page 53
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    The Crocodile and the Presumptuous Dentist.
        Page 59
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        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
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        Page 67
    Alfonso and the Volatile New Zealander.
        Page 68
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        Page 72
        Page 73
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    Master Tommy and Harry at Work and at Play. The Gunpowder Plot.
        Page 77
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        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 82
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        Page 84
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    Arsaces and the Unnecessary Infant.
        Page 86
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    Tommy's Act of Charity. - Harry's Instruction.
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 108
    The Uncles and the Ants
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
    The Blackberry Feast at Kind Mr. Merton's - Tommy's Birthday, and what Happened. This Contains Also Story the Seventh.
        Page 115
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    The Spanish Bull-Fight, as Arranged by Harry Sandford for the Amusement of Tommy and His Youthful Companions.
        Page 127
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    Dinner of a Confidential Character at Mr. Merton's. Harry Sandford Tells the Eighth Story.
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
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    Of the Sad Illness of Mr. Barlow, and the Kindess of His Pupils. His Gratitude. The Ninth Story.
        Page 146
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    The Sage and the Onion
        Page 161
        Page 162
    Of Harry and Tommy's Great Gardening Operation. Mr. Barlow Tells them the Tenth Story.
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
    The Magistrate and the Elephant; or, Duty and Pleasure.
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
    Showing What as the Result of Masters Tommy and Harry's Great Gardening Operation.
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
    What Happened to Mr. Texter. Harry Tells the Eleventh Story.
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
    Legend of Don Ditto and the Dutchmen; or, The Dey and the Knight.
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
    A School-Day of Studies with Mr. Barlow.
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
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        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
    Approach of Holidays. Mr. Barlow at Brighton. Tommy's Mysterious Conduct.
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    Showing What Tommy Meant By It. Also What Came of it, Whatever He Meant By it. Harry Narrates the Twelfth Story.
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
    Agesilaus and the Elastic Nobleman
        Page 230
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
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        Page 243
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    Continuation of the Evening at Farmer Sanford's.
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
    Master Tommy Merton's Continued Residence in the Bosom of the Sandford Family. Mr. Barlow's Astonishing Reception.
        Page 255
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    Of Christmas-Day at Farmer Sandford's. How it Was Spent. Exciting Event. End.
        Page 274
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    Advertising
        Page 288
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    Back Cover
        Page 293
        Page 294
    Spine
        Page 295
Full Text
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The Baldwin Libraryun^^^m^ ^ q of


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ITHE NEW HISTORYOFSANDFORD AND MERTON.


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"THE TORTURE CHAMBER."[Frontispiece.


THE NEW HISTORYOFSANDFORD AND MERTON.Being a True Account of the Adventuresof " Masters TOMMY and HARRY," withtheir Beloved Tutor, " Mr. BARLOW."By F. C. BURNAND.W(itf Stenmtgsix rIIlustrations bpLINLEY SAMBOURNE.SECOND EDITION.LONDON:BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., io, BOUVERIE STREET.1873.


LONDON :BRADBURY, AGNEW. & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.


MY TWO ELDER SONS,C. H. B. and H. C. B.MY DEARCHARLES HUBERT AND HARRY CECIL,This book is for your instruction-nega-tively. Your pastors and masters will teach youwhat to do, but the New History of Sandfordand Merton will, I trust, teach you what to don't.Beware, too, of Mr. Barlow, an immortal humbug.Avoid, in a general way, the examples set by allthe characters in this volume, without exception.Be good-be virtuous, and save up your pocket-money in order to provide for your father in hisold age. Thus you will ensure for yourselves


viii PREFACE.many Merry Christmases and Happy New Years;and that you may enjoy a very merry holidayis the sincere wish, not only of Mr. Sambourne,who has profusely illustrated this work, butalso ofYour affectionate Father,F. C. BURNAND.HALE LODGE, EDGWARE.


CONTENTS.CHAPTER I.PAGESOME ANTECEDENTS OF MASTERS HENRY SANDFORD ANDTOMMY MERTON; THEIR RESPECTIVE BRINGINGS-UP.CHAPTER THE FIRST BEING DEVOTED TO TOMMY 1CHAPTER II.THIS CHAPTER IS DEVOTED TO HARRY .CHAPTER III.DEVOTED TO BOTH HARRY AND TOMMY. HERE ALSO WEENCOUNTER FOR THE FIRST TIME MR. SANDFORD, MR.AND MRS. MERTON, AND THE RENOWNED MR. BARLOW 11CHAPTER IV.TOMMY AND HARRY AT MR. BARLOW'S. HOW THE STUDIESAND THE STORIES COMMENCED .. 19CHAPTER V.STORY THE FIRST.-LEONIDAS AND THE CONCEITED PEDLAR 24CHAPTER VI.WHICH CONTAINS STORY THE SECOND.-THE HERMIT AND HISCELL 34


x CONTENTS.CHAPTER VII.PAGESTORY THE THIRD.-THE CROCODILE AND THE PRESUMPTUOUSDENTIST 40CHAPTER VIII.STORY THE FOURTH (VERSES RECITED BY HARRY IN BED).-ALFONSO AND THE VOLATILE NEW-ZEALANDER 49CHAPTER IX.MASTER TOMMY AND HARRY AT WORK AND AT PLAY. THEGUNPOWDER PLOT 5CHAPTER X.STORY THE FIFTH.-ARSACES AND THE UNNECESSARY INFANT. 67CHAPTER XI.TOMMY'S ACT OF CHARITY.-HARRY'S INSTRUCTION 3CHAPTER XII.STORY THE SIXTH.-THE UNCLES AND THE ANTS 90CHAPTER XIII.THE BLACKBERRY FEAST AT KIND MR. MERTON'S. TOMMY'SBIRTHDAY, AND WHAT HAPPENED. THIS CONTAINS ALSOSTORY THE SEVENTH.-THE HERMIT AND THE SHRIMP 96CHAPTER XIV.THE SPANISH BULL-FIGHT, AS ARRANGED BY HARRY SAND-FORD FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF TOMMY AND HIS YOUTH-FUL COMPANIONS 108


CONTENTS. xiCHAPTER XV.PAGEDINNER OF A CONFIDENTIAL CHARACTER AT MR. MERTON'S.HARRY SANDFORD TELLS THE EIGHTH STORY.-THEHERMIT AND THE DESSERT 120CHAPTER XVI.OF THE SAD ILLNESS OF MR. BARLOW, AND THE KINDNESS OFHIS PUPILS. HIS GRATITUDE. THE NINTH STORY.-THESAGE AND THE ONION 127CHAPTER XVII.OF HARRY AND TOMMY'S GREAT GARDENING OPERATION. MR.BARLOW TELLS THEM THE TENTH STORY .. 144CHAPTER XVIII.STORY THE TENTH.-THE MAGISTRATE AND THE ELEPHANT;OR, DUTY AND PLEASURE 151CHAPTER XIX.SHOWING WHAT WAS THE RESULT OF MASTERS TOMMY ANDHARRY'S GREAT GARDENING OPERATION .. 159CHAPTER XX.WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. TEXTER. HARRY TELLS THEELEVENTH STORY 16CHAPTER XXI.STORY THE ELEVENTH. LEGEND OF DON DITTO AND THEDUTCHMEN ; OR, THE DEY AND THE KNIGHT 169


xii CONTENTS.CHAPTER XXII.PAGEA SCHOOL-DAY OF STUDIES WITH MR. BARLOW 178CHAPTER XXIII.APPROACH OF HOLIDAYS. MR. BARLOW AT BRIGHTON.TOMMY'S MYSTERIOUS CONDUCT 103CHAPTER XXIV.SHOWING WHAT TOMMY MEANT BY IT. ALSO WHAT CAME OFIT, WHATEVER HE MEANT BY IT. HARRY NARRATESTHE TWELFTH STORY 202CHAPTER XXV.STORY THE TWELFTH.-AGESILAUS AND THE ELASTIC NOBLE-MAN 211CHAPTER XXVI.CONTINUATION OF THE EVENING AT FARMER SANDFORD'S 230CHAPTER XXVII.MASTER TOMMY MERTON'S CONTINUED RESIDENCE IN THEBOSOM OF THE SANDFORD FAMILY. MR. BARLOW'S ASTO-NISHING RECEPTION. 236CHAPTER XXVIII.OF CHRISTMAS-DAY AT FARMER SANDFORD'S. HOW IT WASSPENT. EXCITING EVENT. END 255


LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.PAGETHE TORTURE CHAMBER ontispieceTHE EBONY HORSE 1THE WATER-SHED OF JAMAICA 3" A CHEERFUL CUP OF TEA" 5THE STUDY OF NATURAL HISTORY 6AND CONSEQUENT FLIGHT OF INAPPRECIATIVE INSECTS 8ARTISTIC EMPLOYMENT OF COLOUR 10A COCKCHAFEROUS ADVENTURE 11AN EVENTFUL INTERVIEW 14FRIENDS IN COUNCIL 16INSTRUCTION IN HORTICULTURE .. 19" THE BOWER OF BLISS" 21" THE HEART THAT CAN FEEL FOR ANOTHER" 23SPARTAN STEEL 24THE CONCEITED PEDLAR 29THE SAME, WITH THE CONCEIT TAKEN OUT OF HIM 32MELONOLOGICAL PLEASURES 34


xiv LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.PAGETHE HERMIT AND THE INQUISITIVE BOY 37A DECIDED SELL ..38WALNUTS AND WINE 40THE ACHING TOOTH .. -42A TRIUMPHAL MARCH 43THE PENALTY OF PRESUMPTION .44ALFONSO THE FORLORN... 49THE PTEREODACTYLOUS TROGOLYGDON 50THE VAULTING VOLATILE 51SLAP-BANG ..55LES PETITS PATINEURS 58INTERESTING DISCOVERY ... 61" KNOWLEDGE IS POWER 67ASTONISHING THE NATIVES .. 70" 'OD RABBIT IT !" 74AT SEA . 79" SWEETS TO THE SWEET" .83A STILE OF MELODY .. 91" THE REST WAS-SILENCE" 94PAS DE TROIS 96" BY THE CARD" 101KOPROKOPOS AND THE DIGGER .. 103TAKING THE BULL BY THE HORNS 108THE CONFIDENTIAL DINNER .. 120


LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. xvPAGE"A HERMIT GETTING HIS DESSERT 125"A CLINICAL STUDY 127THE PRACTICE OF HYDROPATHY 131ANIMAL HEAT AND ITS SOURCES PRACTICALLY EXEMPLIFIED 138" L'ONION FAIT LA FORCE 142AMATEUR GARDENING OPERATIONS 144THE MAGISTRATE AND THE ELEPHANT .152THE SKATING LESSON 154A KNIGHT OF THE BATH .157HABITANS IN SICCO .. 159DOUBLE DUTCHMEN 170DON DITTO 173KATINKA NO WINKER 176A STRIKING EFFECT .. 178HOLIDAY ARRANGEMENTS 193CONSOLATION FOR THE BEREAVED ONE .197AN INEXPENSIVE SUIT .205AGESILAUS THE VICTORIOUS .. 211PLIANT DISPOSITIONS 212A KNOTTY SUBJECT 213THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER .. 215LOVE-MAKING EXTRAORDINARY .. 216THE POETRY OF MOTION 221THE FINAL POSE 222


xvi LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.PAGEA SUCCESSFUL "COUP DE THEATRE" 225ELASTIKOS TRIUMPHANS 229TOMMY AND TODDY 230INGENIOUS FLY-TRICK .. 24AN EARLY-RISING MOVEMENT .. 236" NO. 71, PORTRAIT OF A LADY" .. 238"A TRANSFORMATION SCENE 246"A PICTURE OF HEALTH .. .. 247THE FESTIVE BOARD 255A JOYFUL REUNION 264" FAIR SHINES THE MOON TO-NIGHT " .. 267


THE NEW HISTORYOFSANDFORD AND MERTON.CHAPTER I.SOME ANTECEDENTS OF MASTERS HENRY SANDFORD ANDTOMMY MERTON; THEIR RESPECTIVE BRINGINGS-UP.CHAPTER THE FIRST BEING DEVOTED TO TOMMY.S SISTERR MERTON wasV a gentleman of goodS,-' fortune, which he hadamassed during hisResidence in Jamaica,where he cultivatedsugar, and severalother valuable things,J -~- -~ forhis own advantage.B


2 THE NEW HISTORY OFHe had only one son, Tommy Merton. Hewas, at this time, about ten years of age (he hadbeen less, but the servants had received strictorders not to allude to his earlier years), andthough well-disposed, irritable, affectionate, cruel,kind, and even generous in disposition, yet hadhe unfortunately been spoiled by too much indul-gence.As his beloved tutor, the renowned Mr. Barlow,used, subsequently, to say to him, " Remember,Tommy, that he who eats the sugar must alsotaste the cane."While Tommy lived in Jamaica, no onewas permitted, on any account, to contradicthim.Twenty negroes attended him on all occa-sions, one of whom invariably carried a largeumbrella, and another a prodigious sunshade, inorder to meet the variabilities of the climate.If he said, during a perfect torrent of rain,"Sambo, it's a fine day," Sambo immediatelyreplied,


SANDFORD AND MERTON." Iss, Massa Tommy, it am, berry fine day."" It rains," Master Tommy would then ob-serve." Iss, Massa Tommy," Sambo would instantlyreturn. "Him rain like de berry debbil."He never went out without a palanquin, asedan chair, an elephant, and three changes ofcostume, which the negroes transported fromplace to place.B2


4 THE NEW HISTORY OFBesides this, he was invariably dressed in silkand satins. His clothes were laced, so were hisboots. His parents were so excessively fond ofhim that they could not restrain their tearswhenever he went out for a walk, dreading lestthey should never see him again, and threaten-ing the blacks with the most awful vengeanceshould any sort of harm befall their DarlingTreasure.He was always helped first at dinner, and ifhe espied a guest served with a more delicateportion of meat than that which he had chosenfor himself, a negro was at once sent to removethe choice morsel from the guest's plate and toplace it before Master Tommy.He would scramble on to the tea-table, upsetthe urn over his father's nankeens, throw muffinsat those invited to partake of his parents' hospi-tality, put his foot in the butter-dish, and performso many pranks and antics, as called forth fromthe delighted visitors expressions of the utmostpleasure and surprise.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 5No wonder that with such a bringing-up heshould be beloved by his elders, and adored byhis inferiors, to whom he was ever most affableand polite.


6 THE NEW HISTORY OFCHAPTER II.THIS CHAPTER IS DEVOTED TO HARRY.SEAR Mr. Merton'sseat in Cropshire,"whither he had. " brought all hisnegro servantsand his immensesugar plantations,lived a very plainhonest farmer,named Sandford.This man hadone son, who having been christened Harry,was usually so addressed by all who knew him.He had a good-natured countenance, the sweetesttemper imaginable, and everybody loved him.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 7If little Harry saw a poor beggar eating hisdinner by the road-side, even though it wereonly a crust, he would run up, and be urgent toshare it with him. Nay, indeed, he would some-times insist upon taking it all. So very kindwas he, that he would go out into the fields, andclimb the trees, in order to search for birds' nests.If he found them empty, he would remove them,saying, " Poor little birds! they do not knowhow to take care of their houses, I will keepthem for them."Often, on a similar plea, he would take awaysuch eggs as he might find in the nests, andmaking a hole at either end, would blow out theyolk, observing that " by this means he had savedmany a poor bird from a life of suffering andmisery, from the pains of hunger and thirst, thenecessities of daily labour, the cruel gun of theunskilful sportsman, or the voracious maw of thedomesticated cat."He collected live butterflies, moths, beetles,with other insects, and stuck pins through them.


8 THE NEW HISTORY OFSo affected was he always at the sight of theirfluttering when thus impaled, that he couldnever refrain from laughing heartily. All theanimals and insects for miles round knew him,and would get out of his way whenever heappeared in their neighbourhood, their instinctplainly telling them that any accident to them,would be the cause to their young friend of theutmost hilarity.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 9He would put thistles under the horses' tails,and have his pockets stuffed with crackersready for distribution among the cows andpigs. If he walked in the fields, he usedto select the strongest sticks from the hedges,with which he would belabour the sheep, thatseeing him coming, would scamper away, leapfences and ditches, and, in some instances,would jump into the river, when they weregenerally drowned. Whenever so sad a fatebefell any of these dumb animals, Harry wouldsit down and laugh as though his little sideswould burst. In short he was one of themost sweet-tempered lads ever known. FarmerJackson's bull would follow Harry wherever hewent, and had often waited for him at a stile,over which he was unable to leap. Harry,observing this, would address him from theopposite side, and, while apologising for beingunable to join him (as if the poor animalcould indeed understand his courtesy), wouldwave his farewell to him with a pocket-hand-L..


10 THE NEW HISTORY OFkerchief of a vivid red colour, which he alwayscarried about with him for this particular pur-pose."^a2


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 11CHAPTER III.DEVOTED TO BOTH HARRY AND TOMMY. HERE ALSOWE ENCOUNTER FOR THE FIRST TIME MR. SANDFORD,MR. AND MRS. MERTON, AND THE RENOWNED MR.BARLOW.OMMY MERTONwas onceSsw alk in gthrough afield, whenhe was sud--- denly at-tacked by alarge cock-chafer,whichsprang froma tree, and coiled itself in ecstasy about his leg.


12 THE NEW HISTORY OFHis shrieks for help soon brought HarrySandford to his aid, who, wiping from his eyesthe tears caused by an extraordinary convulsionof laughter (he had just been engaged in cuttingfrogs in half and plucking live ducks), sprang atTommy, and with one blow of his stout ash-stickfelled him to the earth."Alas!" exclaimed Harry, on seeing Tommyfall, "that a young gentleman like this should beguilty of such cruelty to a cockchafer."While Tommy lay insensible, Harry devotedhimself to an examination of his pockets, in orderto discover if the venomous insect had' addedtheft to injury. At this moment Master Tommy'stwenty black servants arrived, led by Mrs.Merton, who, on hearing from Harry how that aboa-constrictor of unusual size had attacked herson, and how that a robber, who had been hid inthe long grass, had suddenly leaped up, knockedMaster Tommy down, robbing him of his watch,chain, and money, " which, she would notice," heingenuously observed, "were missing," and how.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 13he (Harry), hearing Master Tommy's cries, hadrushed to the rescue, had scotched the snake, and,after a desperate encounter, had compelled thetwo brigands, maimed and disabled as theywere, to take to their heels-when Mrs. Mertonhad heard all this, she gave him so sound a boxon the ears as, for a few moments, almost stunnedShim, and taught him that the liveliest imagina-tion, combined with descriptive faculty, are in-sufficient of themselves to attract an unappre-ciative auditory.She now proceeded to cover her darling withkisses, and, indeed, for the next quarter of anhour, could not sufficiently exhibit her maternalsolicitude, which was expending itself in thefondest caresses and the most luscious sweetmeats,when Farmer Sandford, accompanied by his sonHarry, arrived on the spot.Farmer Sandford, who was a bluff, honest man,explained in the briefest and clearest mannerpossible, that, not only had Master Tommy beentrespassing in his fields, but that Mrs. Merton


14 THE NEW HISTORY OFherself, and her entire retinue of dirty blacks,were also on his land, without either invitationor permission. He further accused her of violentlystriking his son little Harry, who had bravelyrisked his own life in order to save that ofMaster Tommy; and he would have her toknow, that as there was not one law for thesons of gentry and one for farmers' sons, he


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 15had sent down for a constable to take them allinto custody, and would proceed against themat civil law for trespassing, and would havethem up at the criminal bar for assault andbattery, as sure as his name was JonathanSandford.Mr. Merton, who had, through a powerfultelescope in his observatory, witnessed the un-usual excitement of the crowd in his neighbour'sfield, now appeared in their midst, and aftersternly rebuking his wife for her injudicious con-duct, tendered his apologies to the farmer, addingthat he had conceived so great an admiration noless, of Mr. Sandford's sterling qualities, than ofHarry's courage and veracity, that nothing wouldsatisfy him but being allowed to pay for HarrySandford's education, conditionally upon his be-coming his son's, Tommy Merton's, companion atMr. Barlow's House.Farmer Sandford replied that he would takean hour to deliberate upon the proposal, and ifhe could accept it, without compromising justice


15 THE NEW HISTORY OFby withdrawing from the prosecution, both in thecivil and criminal courts, he should feel muchpleasure in so doing.On quitting Mr. Merton, Farmer Sandford lostno time in visiting Mr. Barlow, and inquiring thei -- z i "terms of tuition. Mr. Barlow replied, that forTommy, he should charge Mister Merton, whowas well able to afford it, one hundred andfifty pounds a year, exclusive of extras; but


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 17that he would take Farmer Sandford's sonfor fifty, which should include everything.Farmer Sandford now informed Mr. Barlow howmatters stood, adding, what the future reveredtutor of Masters Harry and Tommy at oncecomprehended, that it absolutely lay with him(Farmer Sandford), as to whether Mr. Barlowshould have rich Mr. Merton's son under hiscare, or not.It was finally agreed between them that thetwo boys should come to Mr. Barlow's; that onehundred and fifty pounds per annum should becharged for Master Merton, and one hundred,nominally, for Master Sandford, of which lattersum Mr. Barlow was to give' Farmer Sandfordhalf, payable quarterly, and was also to pay thehonest farmer fifty pounds down, on the satis-factory conclusion of the agreement between Mr.Barlow and Mr. Merton, which Mr. Sandfordpromised to bring about.Farmer Sandford now called upon Mr. Mertonand testified his willingness to accede to theCI-V


18 THE NEW HISTORY OFproposed arrangement, provided that the boysshould commence their studies at Mr. Barlow'sthat very afternoon, and that Mr. Merton shouldthere and then draw a cheque for three hundredand fifty pounds, which would represent twohundred for Master Merton's schooling and onehundred and fifty for his own son's. To this Mr.Merton at once agreed, and before three o'clockhonest Farmer Sandford had cashed the chequeat the County Bank, and had paid Mr. Barlow hishundred and fifty for master Merton and his fiftyfor Master Sandford-minus, in both cases, threeper cent Bank rate of discount for ready money,and before the County Bank closed for the dayFarmer Sandford had paid in to his account onehundred pounds cash, and Mr. Barlow's bill atthree months for a similar sum; and the nextmorning Masters Harry Sandford and TommyMerton commenced their educational course underMr. Barlow's hospitable roof.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 19CHAPTER IV.TOMMY AND HARRY AT MR. BARLOW'S. HOW THE STUDIESAND THE STORIES COMMENCED.EFORE breakfast"* Harry and Tom-"my into his gar-den, and givingthe former aspade, and thelatter a hoe, ob-served,-"EverybodyS who eats mustassist in procur-ing food. Here is your bed, and here," hecontinued, beckoning to Tommy, "is yours.S2


"20 THE NEW HISTORY OFAs you make your bed so you must lie onit."Thus saying, he withdrew to his morning meal,remembering, however, to put down in his ac-count book, "To use of spade and hoe for MasterMerton at 2s. 6d. per hour, two hours, 5s."When Mr. Barlow had finished half a chicken,four buttered rolls, two cups of coffee, three eggs,and some marmalade on toast, he took from acupboard a plateful of almonds and raisins, and,finding that Tommy was resting idly in the shade,while Harry was diligently working, he beckonedthe latter to him, and retired into a pleasantsummer-house, where he divided the almonds andraisins between Harry and himself.At this treatment Tommy could no longerrestrain his passion, and, with many oaths andprotestations, declared that it was he who hadbeen working up to within five minutes ofMr. Barlow's return to the garden, that at theinvitation of Harry he had laid down to restunder a tree, .while his companion had scarcely


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 21begun his labour ere Mr. Barlow stood beforethem.Harry now appeared inexpressibly shocked athis young friend's perfidy, which was changedinto pity on beholding him burst into a violentfit of sobbing and crying."What is the matter?" asked Mr. Barlow,coolly.


22 THE NEW HISTORY OFPoor Tommy could now scarcely reply for rage;but on perceiving Mr. Barlow unlock a smalldrawer and take therefrom a light and suppleinstrument made of apple-twigs, he would haverun out of the summer-house but for Harry, whorestraining him with sufficient but gentle force,said,-"I perceive, my dear Tommy, that you are toobashful and retiring. It is I who ought to with-draw," and so saying he handed him over to Mr.Barlow, and, with the innate instinct of a truegentleman, betook himself to a convenient distancefrom the summer-house, where, though his earsmight be pierced by the agonising shrieks of hisfriend, he could not do more than guess at theircause. In this sheltered nook Master Harry gaveway, with a pocket-handkerchief crammed intohis mouth, to all his native hilarity, and from hiswrithings and contortions appeared to suffer noslight pain from the necessity of controlling hislaughter.On his return to the arbour he found Mr..


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 23Barlow sitting down, looking warm and some-what exhausted, while Tommy was standing upand vainly struggling with such sobs, as seemedto send a tremor through his entire body." Your conduct, Harry and Tommy," said Mr.Barlow, "reminds me of the story of Leonidasand the Conceited Pedlar, which, as you havenot yet heard it, I will now proceed to narrate.".s


24 THE NEW HISTORY OFCHAPTER V.faort fire first.Leonidas and the Conceited Pedlar.HE Spartans were abrave and hardyrace. They neverwanted anythingthat they did notget, and oftenSTJEELM got a great dealmore than theywanted. Theirchildren slept onboards and stones,and took theirwhack every morning. It was thus that Leonidas


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 25was brought up by his parents, who foresaw inhim the future leader of their armies, and themost successful antagonist of the Persians.Now it so chanced that when Leonidas hadattained this position, a Pedlar opened his packin the neighbourhood, and all the people, insteadof attending to the wise discourses of Leonidas,surrounded the Pedlar at all hours of the day,constantly expressing their admiration of hisbeauty and grace, for which the Pedlar had beenfor some time renowned.Leonidas now ordered him to quit the spot,that the people might return to their ordinaryavocations.The Pedlar, however, thus addressed the crowd,"My friends, am I not acknowledged to be thehandsomest man ever seen ? Have I not theface of Apollo, and the strength of Hercules ? "Here he distributed sweetmeats among the crowd,who responded to all his questions with enthu-siastic cheers. "Are not my speeches the finestspeeches ? Are not my jokes the best jokes ever


26 THE NEW HISTORY OFheard ? Are not my attitudes the most gracefulever seen ? Yes, a hundred times, yes. Thenwhy does Leonidas wish me to retire ? becausehe is jealous of me, because he is afraid lestsome of your money might find its way intomy purse, instead of all into his coffers. Listen,my friends, to the ballad which I have com-posed, the best ballad ever written ;" thenstriking an attitude, instead of striking a guitar,he commenced as follows :-LeonibasOn a oneege'b aos(game rising into latlens,ie'l been to buta pigeon pie,lifetWrie a pair of fat beno.This sally was received with immense laughterand applause by the crowd, which highly relishedthe political allusions.The Pedlar, finding that he had touched a chord,


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 27now struck another attitude and continued:-ileonitasIs as moniert aCbe tiresot kting or kaiser,an' pet 'tig true,'lTWixt me anb you,tjat te's a ttotougI miser.Here the crowd roared with delight, and thepolicemen, who had been indifferently peelingwalnuts, looked up and smiled permissively.The Pedlar now exerted himself to the utmostto give effect to the last verse, which ran asfollows :-econilasW as bonire asTbe little busp bee is;AtIe's not a bee,33ut be's, Vou see,Sa bumwbug, tbat's nlbat be is.


28 THE NEW HISTORY OFAt this, the enthusiasm of the populace knew nobounds, although they literally jumped for joy,nor was their excitement allayed by the arrivalof Leonidas himself, who happened to be passingthat way.He frowned as he approached the Pedlar, who,instantly changing his attitude, assumed one ofsuch undeniable grace and dignity, as was calcu-lated to affect the beholders above anything theyhad ever seen before."Are you aware-" Leonidas commenced."No, Leonidas," replied the Conceited Pedlar,interrupting him; "I am not a ware, because Iam a pedlar. Where are you now ?""You know what I mean," said Leonidas, whowas in no humour for trivial jesting."You are indeed polite," responded the Pedlar,altering his position, "to credit me with greaterknowledge than that possessed by yourself."Here he bowed to the ground, threw his legsup in the air, walked on his hands, turnedtwo somersaults, and then alighting on his


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 29feet in a new attitude, observed, "Here we areagain !"" I believe," said Leonidas, "that you do notknow what wares are. Your wares are yourgoods."ID1


30 THE NEW HISTORY OF"Nay," quoth the Pedlar, " my wares are morethan my goods, for they are my bests, and thebest that money can procure."Leonidas strode on, and was soon lost to view.That night, when the Conceited Pedlar was sup-posed to be sleeping, Leonidas peered in througha hole in the canvas, and there saw the pedlarhard at work, alternately learning jests andrepartees by heart from a goodly volume, andcopying attitudes, from pictures, before a largemirror. Lighting a drug, Leonidas contrived sothat its narcotic fumes should reach the ConceitedPedlar's nose, who thereupon gradually fell asleep.Leonidas now entering, and taking possession ofthe book and the pictures, silently withdrew.The next day the Pedlar in vain attempted toarrest the attention of his audience; but as hestruck no new attitudes, and made no jokeswhich they had not already heard, their patiencewas soon exhausted.In order to save him from the justly incensedmob, the civil guards brought him before Leo-


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 31nidas, who immediately commanded him tosubmit himself to the hands of his own skilledsurgeons, who, being perfectly acquainted withthe anatomy of the human frame, would knowexactly where to make the incision in order toremove the immense amount of conceit whichwas in him.His cries and supplications were all in vain."Give us," exclaimed Leonidas, before the wholetribunal, " one new and original jest which Ishall not be able to find in this book. Strikeone new and original attitude which I do not seein these pictures, and your sentence shall bemitigated."The Conceited Pedlar uttered a piercing shriek,and fell back into the arms of the attendants.Three days afterwards Leonidas exhibited tothe Spartans a man whose head hung downupon his breast, whose limbs were limp and


32 THE NEW HISTORY OFhelpless, and whose entire demeanour presentedsuch a picture of dejection as the people hadnever seen equalled."This," said Leo-nidas, "is the Ped-lar, with the Conceittaken out of him."A yell of derisionbroke from the multi-_- tude. Leonidas pro-duced the book and"the pictures, and ex-plained to the crowdthe use to which thePedlar had hitherto put them.Then he returned them to the Pedlar, who, tothe surprise of all, suddenly appeared re-animatedwith a new vigour. In less time than it takes torelate, he Irad opened the portfolio of pictures,and collecting all his strength for one final spring,he threw himself into an attitude, and disap-peared for ever.


- SANDFORD AND MERTON. 33"What has become of him ?" inquired theformer admirers of the Conceited Pedlar, ofLeonidas.Leonidas significantly placed his dexter fingerof his dexter hand perpendicularly against hisnose, with such mathematical precision as tobisect that organ at a given point, so as to formwith the two sides meeting it an equilateraltriangle, of which the tip of the nose was thethird angle. He said nothing, but he smiledagain several times to himself during the re-mainder of his life.I,


34 THE NEW HISTORY OFCHAPTER VI.WHICH CONTAINS STORY THE SECOND.HE following morn-Sing Mr. Barlow,who,since the arrival ofhis two pupils, had- !_r dismissed his gar-dener, sent them- into his garden to- U turn up the earth/ in order to prepare"it for his potatoes,beans, and celery, of all which vegetables he wasan ardent consumer.When the two boys had got well out of soundand sight of their tutor's house, Harry, seating


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 35himself under a tree, commenced eating an applewhich he had brought with him, and which hisfriend Tommy proposed should be shared bythem in two equal portions.Harry Sandford now playfully observed thathe had considered Tommy too much of a gentle-man to eat so vulgar a fruit as an apple, at whichrebuke poor Tommy hung down his head andblushed so deeply that Harry, who was far frombeing of a niggardly disposition, honestly wishedthat he had another apple which he did not wanthimself, as in that case he vowed he would haveimmediately bestowed it upon his friend, unlesshe had kept it by him until he should requireit more than he did at the present moment.Tommy was so deeply touched by this conductthat, laying down his hoe, he insisted upontelling his companion the story of The Hermitand the Cell, " which," he said, "as you havenot yet heard it, I will proceed to narrate."D 2i


36 THE NEW HISTORY OFThe Hermit and his Cell.A RUDE little boy on his daily walk to school usedoften to meet a bare-footed Hermit. The Hermitwas unable to stay the boy and answer such ofhis questions as " How's your mother ? "Howare you to-morrow ?" "Who's your hatter ?""How's your poor feet ?" and "Where's your cell?"One morning, however, the lad ran right againstthe bare-footed Hermit, who, taking him by the col-lar, asked wherefore he had hitherto avoided him." Please, sir, don't!" cried the little boyThe Hermit spake kindly to him, and informedhim first of all that his mother, for aught heknew, was well; secondly, that one day being tohim very like another, or more so, he was there-fore as healthy to-morrow as yesterday or the dayafterwards; thirdly, that as he did not wear hatsit was impossible to give him the address of his


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 37hatter; and fourthly, that his feet needed no pity,having never been used to boots. "And as towhere my cell is," continued the holy man inconclusion, "with that you shall soon becomeacquainted. You shall visit me," said he, kindly," and you will see that I have a surprise in storefor you. I inhabit a hut which is rude, but Imyself am invariably polite. Do you like jam ? "The little boy replied that he was rapturouslyattached to preserve.


38 THE NEW HISTORY OF" Come, then," said the Hermit, "after school"hours."The lad, accordingly, ran out into the desert,and saw the hut standing under a palm-tree." Come in," said the Hermit's voice, apparentlyfrom within.The little boy rushed eagerly towards the door,which was standing ajar, and pulled it open; whenlo! down came upon his head a huge jam-pot4-~i


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 39entirely filled with the dirtiest water from astagnant pond. For a few minutes the boy layas one stunned, while the Hermit, who had beenhitherto concealed behind a bush, came out andbelaboured him soundly.The boy arose, but before he could hurry of,the Hermit said to him,-" You came greedily expecting jam. This, mydear child, isThe Hermit's Sell."


40 THE NEW HISTORY OFCHAPTER VII.Sforg f^ Cfrb,The Crocodile and the Presump-tuous Dentist.HAT, sir, is a croco-dile ? " inquiredTommy one day ofMr. Barlow.Mr. Barlow, whowas at that momentengaged in steeping' walnuts, which hehad himself de-prived of their cuticle, in a wine-glassful of sherry,paused for a moment and then replied,-"The crocodile, my dear Tommy, is a cruel


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 41creature that lives almost entirely on hardboiledeggs." That is indeed remarkable," observed Harry."And when there are no eggs?" askedTommy."Then, my dear Tommy," answered Mr.Barlow, "it lives upon the shore. It takes itsfood hot."Mr. Barlow was now about to resume his occu-pation with the walnuts, when Harry eagerlyinquired,-" But pray, sir, does it never devour men ?"Mr. Barlow now turned towards Harry, whileTommy, who was on the opposite side of thetable, drew his chair nearer to the walnuts.Their beloved tutor, without noticing this move-ment of Master Tommy's, thus commenced,-"The Crocodile, as I have said, liking its foodhot, will never devour a man as long as heis sufficiently cool. This reminds me of thestory of The Crocodile and the PresumptuousDentist, which, as you have neither of you


42 THE NEW HISTORY OFheard it, I will now proceed to narrate. Ayoung Dentist was once lying asleep by the sideof a river, when he was aroused by a prodigioussobbing, and on raising his eyes to the spotwhence these lugubrious sounds proceeded, hewas astonished at perceiving an enormous Croco-dile coming towards him with open mouth, and00from time to time pointing, as well as it could,with its fore paw to a huge tooth which lay farback in its upper jaw. The Dentist, divining the


SANDFORD AND MERTON.' 43cause of the creature's tears, forthwith producedhis instruments, and, after a careful scrutiny, hedexterously ex-tracted the mo-lar, which hadbeen the occa-sion to the Cro-codileof so muchagony, Afterthis nothingwould serve thegrateful animal's Lturn but that theDentist shouldride on his backeverywhere, andin this waythe courageousyoung man tra-velled over Egypt without incurring the slightestexpense. Subsequently the Dentist tried to inducethe Crocodile to have a set of false teeth, when the


44 THE NEW HISTORY OFhonest animal, suspecting some treachery, ate him.Thus you see," said Mr. Barlow, in conclusion," even gratitude cannot tolerate presumption."Mr. Barlow, by this time, bethought him of hiswalnuts, which should have been well soaked inthe sherry, and would have afforded him con-siderable refreshment. Instead of which he onlysaw by his side an empty glass, and turning to


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 45make further inquiry of Master Tommy, he found,to his astonishment, that his young pupil haddisappeared." I did not like, sir," said Harry, " to interruptyour discourse, or had I done so it would havebeen to inform you, sir, that while you were talking,Master Tommy was engaged in rapidly devouringthose nuts which you had, with such admirablecare and forethought, put aside for your ownconsumption."" You shall not," observed Mr. Barlow, "loseby your politeness, and as I perceive that ouryoung friend has made his escape by thewindow-"" I," interrupted Master Harry readily, " whileyou are closing it, will retire by the door." Sosaying, and ere Mr. Barlow, whose foot hadcaught in the corner of the drugget, could recoverfrom the effect of suddenly coming in contactwith the sharp edge of the dining-table, Harryran out, and finding Tommy alone in a secludedpart of the garden, insisted upon receiving his


46 THE NEW HISTORY OFportion of the nuts, which Tommy had in dumbshow promised him.Tommy now vowed and protested, on his wordof honour as a gentleman, that his companion hadcompletely misunderstood the purport of thesigns, which, he admitted, he had made behindtheir revered tutor's back.Master Harry proceeded at once to give him sosevere a chastisement that Master Tommy offeredhim all that remained of his week's pocket-moneyif he would desist, which Harry, who was a boyof really generous spirit, consented, on this under-standing, to do.The same night, after they were in bed, Mr.Barlow, carrying the rod, and accompanied by thebutler, entered their room.In addition Master Tommy had to take a strongdose of the most nauseous medicine possible.The butler before retiring had brought into theapartment a small table on which were spread


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 47out a variety of luscious fruits, with a bottle ofgolden sherry and a plate of picked walnuts." You are fond of these?" observed Mr. Barlow,seating himself and commencing the repast; "youshall see me eat them. But as I told you a storywhile Master Tommy ate my walnuts, you shallnow, Master Harry, tell me a story while MasterTommy, who is not likely to sleep for some timeto come, shall look on and listen. Tell me then,Harry, does not our present position remind youof anything that you have either heard orread ?""Indeed, sir," replied Harry, with some emo-tion, " it does. It recalls the tale of Alfonso andthe Volatile New Zealander, which- ""As we have never heard- " observed Mr.Barlow, peeling an orange."I will now proceed to narrate," said MasterHarry, turning his pillow cool side uppermost, andsitting on it in bed."Once upon a time," said Harry, "when theanimals which we now call pigs--"


48 THE NEW HISTORY OF" Stop, if you please, Harry," said Mr. Barlow,sucking his third walnut, "you will oblige me byrepeating this tale in verse."" But, sir," said Master Harry, " I am unable toremember-"" Nay, my dear Harry," returned Mr. Barlow,"if that be the case, I must see what the magicof the divining rod may- "" Do not rise, sir, on my account," interruptedHarry, with the utmost consideration, "I will atonce comply with your request."


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 49CHAPTER VIII.S.tor) ff fianurfI."VERSES RECITED BY HARRY IN BED.Alfonso and the Volatile NewZealander.ALFONSO once had lost his way,He roamed o'er mountain, sea, and bay,By coach, by ship, by horse, by shay.E


.50 THE NEW HISTORY OFFor two long years in vain he triedTo hear some tidings of his bride,For two more years he tried in vain,And then began to try again.For where she'd gone they did not know,But nobody dared tell him so.He landed on a foreign shore,He heard the lions howl and roar,He heard the Trogolygdon's* note,S" A Ptereodactylous animal," explained Mr. Barlow, abse-


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 51And straightway gat him to his boat.He saw, upon the mountain top,A man whose head was like a mop,He had two spindle-shankian legs,And two large eyes as big as eggs.His mouth was flat, his ears were brown,quently, " by which is meant an animal of the Poet's creation,something between a Stereoscope and a Dactyl."E2


52 THE NEW HISTORY OFHis nose was sort of upside down,His teeth were as the teeth of shark,And he was soaring like a lark.He had a bright and polished chin,His arms were long, his hands were thin;He perched upon the mountain edge,Then 'lighted on a rocky ledge.And he was singing all the while," I'm Volatile I'm Volatile !"He bounded lightly o'er the plain,Sprung up, then darted down again,And then he skimmed the little waves."Dear me, how strangely he behaves!"Thus said Alfonso as he stared,For information scarce he daredTo ask this Being quaint.At last he shouted, " How d'ye do ?"The man replied, " What's that to you ?"Alfonso said, "Are you a Jew ?"He answered, " No, I ain't."


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 53"My dress is made of coloured rags,I wear no-what are known as bags,'-I only have a kilt.And I am-not a Hielander-A Volatile New Zealander,Remarkably well built."" Oh, stay a bit," Alfonso said,"And on a pillow rest your head!"The man replied, " I don't like bed,I'm Volatile!"" I'll give you luncheon, if you'll stop,"Alfonso cried, "a pint and chop,If you'll one minute cease to hop,Young Volatile!"Alfonso spread his luncheon out,Two chops, imperial pint of stout,And one of port-he feared not gout-And said, " Sir, may I tempt you ?"


54 THE NEW HISTORY OFAdding, " Don't dance about, becauseYou'll never win from me applause.New Zealander, no sort of lawsFrom hunger can exempt you.""I am so Volatile," said he.Alfonso says, " Yes, that may be;But don't go splashing in the sea,As thus, you see, you wet me.Could I exhibit him," he thought," He'd be a fortune if once caught;Come down," he cried, " and try some port.""I wish that you may get me !"He cried, " I know your little game,Thankye for nothing, all the same,The Volatile is still my name,Than Wieland I am Wielander;Touch me can neither Payne nor Vokes,Nor all your Bounding Brother Folks,The Volatile New Zealander!"


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 5He bounded towards the rising sun:Alfonso took a loaded gun.He bounded towards the crimson rock :Alfonso got the gun full cock.


56 THE NEW HISTORY OFNow right, now left, now left, now right,Alfonso couldn't fix his sight:All day until the light grew dimThe Volatile made game of him;'And sometimes in the wave he'd splash,Then on the mountain-top he'd dash.A tree Alfonso had his eyes on,He sprang off that to the horizon;Alfonso said, " He's out of range,I wish he'd his position change.Now I will shoot him while he flits !"Bang! and the gun went all to bits.It blew the row-boat into shivers,Some pieces fell in far-off rivers;And as he sank Alfonso cried," I never now shall find my bride."And all the time his voice was sounding,The Volatile still went on bounding;Until upon the sand, at length,He summoned all his mighty strength,


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 57He took a most gigantic run,Then jumped-and cleared the Setting Sun.And where he's gone there's none can say;But this is known--he's gone away,Being too Volatile to stay.And where Alfonso's bride may beIs nothing much to you or me;And as Alfonso couldn't swim,It matters not one bit to him.What after did to her befallIs of no consequence at all.At the conclusion of the ballad, Mr. Barlow,taking the sugar with him, and leaving onlysome orange-peel and walnut-shells on the table,quitted the apartment, and Harry, after wakingTommy with a wet sponge from the sound sleepinto which he had fallen, soon fell into a deliciousslumber, and an hour afterwards both boys werefast asleep.


53 THE NEW HISTORY OFCHAPTER IX.MASTER TOMMY AND HARRY AT WORK AND AT PLAY.THE GUNPOWDER PLOT.HE little boys werenow indeed enjoy-ing themselves. Ina m the early morningThey w ent out skat-ing (an amusementwhich Mr. Barlowhad strictly forbid-- den them to indulgein), and towards thelatter end of 'themonth nothing gavethem greater pleasure than to hire guns andgo out shooting, which Mr. Barlow had desired


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 59them on no account to think of doing. As theynow commenced to understand that no pleasurebrings with it such contentment and true happi-ness as that which has been prohibited by com-petent authority, so they had already begun toexperience those joys which invariably accompanysuch pursuits as had not received the approbationof their beloved tutor. For several hours duringthe day they were engaged in digging whatthey said were the foundations of a new house forMr. Barlow, their real design being, under coverof such apparently useful industry, to make asecret communication with the cellars of theirbeloved tutor's house. To this they had beenincited by the perusal of such tales as The BoyGuy Fawkes, The Little Highwayman, MasterHenry and his Brigands, and other delightfulpublications of a similar character, which, sinceTommy had acquired the art of reading withfacility, had been within reach of their purses,and had afforded them no small amount of grati-fication and healthy excitement.


60 THE NEW HISTORY OFMr. Merton, who was a very wealthy man, hadbeen easily prevailed upon to send his son money,which Harry laid out for both of them in gun-powder, crackers, pistols, and the most explosivefireworks. These they kept secreted in barrels,with a view to placing them, on the first oppor-tunity, in the cellars under Mr. Barlow's house.Their elaborate design would, doubtless, havemet with a success beyond their most sanguineexpectations, had not Tommy been induced byhis vanity to give a Pyrotechnical Displayon, what he termed, the laying of the firststone of the Foundations. The fireworks letoff upon this occasion were indeed well worthyof the event they were intended to commemo-rate,, and set fire to two hayricks in a neigh-bouring field, at the same time that the stickfrom a rocket passed through the thatched roofof Farmer Johnson's stable; the fires being inboth cases extinguished with no slight difficulty.Farmer Sandford being called in to estimate theloss, it soon appeared that the damage was of such


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 61magnitude as could only be covered by a largecheque out of Mr. Merton's book, which wouldsave Master Tommy from being charged with in-cendiarism before the nearest Justice of the Peace.Mr. Barlow now instituted a strict search, andwas pleased beyond measure at finding a train ofgunpowder so laid as to pass through a hole inthe basement of his own residence, the conse-quences of which would, at an instant's notice,


62 THE NEW HISTORY OFprobably prove fatal to the house itself and itsinhabitants.On being questioned, Harry, who was of a nobledisposition, at once replied that as there wasnothing to conceal, he would immediately tell thewhole truth, which, indeed, he said, it gave himgreat pain to say, would show that Master Tommywas solely to blame in this affair. Master Mertonhad been studying the science of engineering, andtheir conversation had been turned upon blastingexperiments, which, Harry admitted, had for bothof them considerable attraction. That MasterTommy had insisted upon trying its effect ontheir beloved tutor, " a proposition," added Harry,"against which my whole soul revolted." That,in fact, Master Merton had done it all, andhad compelled him to silence with fearful oathsand threats, which was the ordinary method' forpreserving inviolable secresy used by the SecretPolitical Society of which he was afraid MasterTommy was a distinguished member, if not indeeda chief.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 63Having received this astounding intelligence,Master Harry Sandford was requested to with-draw into a private apartment, during theseparate examination of Master Merton. Tommy,who had that very morning received a handsomesum of money from his generous father, advancedtowards Mr. Barlow, and looked at him as thoughhe had some weighty matter to disclose, but wasunable to give it utterance. Mr. Barlow, there-fore, turned towards him with the utmost kind-ness, and, taking him tenderly by the hand, wasmuch pleased to find in it three sovereigns, twohalf crowns, and a shilling, " which," saidTommy, almost crying, " I am afraid will notrepay you for all the trouble and annoyance thatI have occasioned you."Mr. Barlow. " When you are so sensible as youhave now shown yourself, my little friend, thenyou deserve everybody's friendship and esteem.Few people are so perfect,"-here Mr. Barlowslightly blushed on hearing Harry's voice throughthe keyhole, saying, "hear, hear !"-" few people


64 THE NEW HISTORY OFare so perfect as not to err sometimes" ("No, No!"from Harry in the next room). "But I am ashappy to accept the evidence of your sorrow, asI shall be to receive the account of your error."Tommy. " Indeed, sir, I am rejoiced to hearyou say so. You must know then, sir," here hesunk his voice to a whisper, " that everything Ido is entirely owing to Harry Sandford's fault, inwhose company I am likely to become a worseboy than ever I was before." Tommy now raisedhis tone and continued loudly, "Yet, sir, so fondand attached am I to young Harry, and so inti-mately associated am I with him in all ouramusements and employment, that I readilyown, that if you, sir," here once more he resumedthe lower key, " only punish Harry sufficiently, Ishall indeed feel most acutely for him, and sufferall those agonies of remorse of which the occasionpermits."Mr. Barlow commended Tommy very muchfor dispositions so full of kindliness and goodness,and taking up his apple-twig rod, gave him a


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 65sound flogging, which was only interrupted by ahearty laugh that reached them through thekeyhole, whereupon Mr. Barlow, taking his leaveof Master Tommy, went to communicate withMaster Sandford."You have," observed Mr. Barlow to him onentering, "the noblest mind that ever adorned ahuman being, and I shall not be happy until Ihave been able to make your body equal to it inall respects."So saying he proceeded to mark the day, as hesaid, in unmistakable red letters."Your conduct," said Mr. Barlow, when in theevening of the same day they were all sittingdown cheerfully to their evening meal, "yourconduct reminds me of the story'of Arsaces andthe Unnecessary Infant, which as you haveneither of you heard it- ""I fancy, sir," said Harry, "that I have.""Then," resumed Mr. Barlow, "you can putdown the bread and jam which you have justspread for yourself, and narrate the story to1


66 THE NEW HISTORY OFmyself and Master Tommy, who, being lessinstructed in the tale, will proceed with ourrepast."Master Harry now begged to be excused,especially as he observed Tommy eyeing hisslice of bread and jam; but as his tutor wouldtake no denial, he contented himself with givingTommy so smart an application under the table,as, occasioning Tommy to cry out suddenly,called forth a reproof from Mr. Barlow for inter-rupting his friend with such a noise, and beforeTommy had time to explain, Harry had com-menced the story which will be found in thefollowing chapter.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 67CHAPTER X.Arsaces and the Unnecessary Infant..HE. venerable Ar--saces once passedseveral months.among the Ara-bians, whosesimplicity of lifeand innocence ofmanners greatly".delighted him.They arose atthree in theafternoon, andbefore theirevening meal they had often left whole villagesr 2


68 THE NEW HISTORY OFin flames, and taken captive several barbarians,whose wives and helpless children they hadpreviously massacred with all the gentleness ofwhich they were capable. Arsaces, who hadlived in the principal cities of the world onlyto know their emptiness, had determined uponretiring to some sequestered spot, in order todevote himself to the study of various feats oflegerdemain with cards and half-crowns, "theknowledge of which," said this astute old man tohimself, "is undoubted power."Here dwelling peacefully in the Arab encamp-ments, safe from the rapacity of greed, thevindictiveness of creditors, and from the in-quisitive visits of messengers from the Court,Arsaces began to realise the sweets of true enjoy-ment. He married a virtuous young woman,and in her society experienced a far less degree oftranquillity than generally falls to the lot of man.She starved the cattle, killed the sheep and goats,while Arsaces confined himself to such specula-tions as were not only sublime and consolatory to


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 69the human heart, but afforded promise of a brightand happy future. He wandered among theneighboring mountains, and in some tranquilnook amid the awful roar of the stupendouscataract, or in secluded spots where the violenceof storms had borne away the rocks, he wouldproduce a pack of cards and gradually master themysterious doctrine of chances, while in thewaterfall he would see his own actions clearlymirrored, and would only be satisfied with himselfas having attained perfection in any one instancewhen he was unable to detect his own method ofoperating reflected in the pure and limpid streambefore him. His favourite employment was tostray among the simple peasants whom he wouldfind tending their flocks, reposing after theirmid-day meal, or resting from the labours of theday. With these he was ever gentle and affable,and never let an opportunity escape him of askingthem to choose a card, when he would astonishthem by producing the one which they hadchosen, or of which perhaps tley had only thought.


70 THE NEW HISTORY OFNor was his affability confined to these instancesalone, for on the days when the artless peasantswere returning with their week's wages in theirwallets, he would meet them, and ask them if theywould not wager him so much that a certainsmall pea, which he had carefully dried for thepurpose, was, or was not, underneath a certainthimble, three of which he invariably kept abouthim, "as," he observed, "an agriculturist oughtto have about him the implements, for sewing."By thus rendering services useful to his fellow-


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 71creatures, who never could either rightly guesswhere the pea was hidden, nor plumb the mysteryof the three-card trick, he received the purestreward which can attend the increase of know-ledge, the consciousness of always doing, and ofnever being done in return.One only child was the fruit of the union ofArsaces with the mother of the infant Sellani,for that was the name which his offspring wasdestined to bear.But alas, such a life was too unchequered tolast. The wife of Arsaces one morning quittedhis roof, (she was generally on the roof, becausein Eastern countries it is cooler than indoors)leaving him the sole charge of the child Sellani.On the baby's breast was pinned this paperwritten in a trembling hand :-" I can put up with you no longer. I am nowputting up without you at an Inn. I pity andforgive you. The child is not mine, because Iwas myself changed at nurse, and you havemarried my sister who is little aware of the


72 THE NEW HISTORY OFcruel treatment I have experienced. I belongto a family which was always being changed atbirth, and my great grandfather, who is aliveand well now, is not yet quite himself I knowhow you do the three-card trick and the littlepea. With this knowledge you are in my power.In remembrance of you as you once were, andas some fond souvenirs of yourself, I have takenwith me everything of value that I could layhands upon about the place. Tell the child tothink of her mother as if she was her aunt's firstcousin, but do not change her again, as there isno knowing what she may turn out. I have metan old servant of our family who says she noticesthe alteration in my features which she attributesentirely to my having been changed for somebodyelse-perhaps more than once."Farewell."SArsaces was seized with inexpressible distresson finding himself thus bereaved. He had nowto endure a bitter persecution from the authorities,who, in the first week of his enforced widowhood,


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 73fined him three times for keeping a child withouta licence.This embittered the proud spirit of Arsaces,who, leaving the infant at the door of Migrashusthe chief magistrate, quitted the place for ever.Arsaces now recommended life in the largecities. His assiduous duties were at lastabout to find their recompense. The marvellousproblem involved in the Three Thimbles, and theLittle Pea, no less than in that of the ThreeCards, absorbed the attention of the greatestphilosophers and men of science of that time, anddivided the kingdom into parties, until at lengthpolitical partizanship being introduced on eitherside, the reigning Dynasty was upset, the solerepresentative of a long line of kings was forced tofly the country, of which the people, rising as oneman, offered the crown to the popular Arsaces, onthe sole condition that he should once more showthem how he could place an orange under a cover,and, on subsequently lifting it up, discover arabbit in its place.


74 THE NEW HISTORY OFThe orange was secreted, and Arsaces, amidstprofound silence pledged himself to the result.He removed the cover, and resting under itwas no rabbit, but an Infant, which Arsaces atonce recognized as his own.Stupefied at the sight, he was about to appealto the spectators, when the child, standing uprighton the table, addressed the populace with so muchtact and energy, that the unstable crowd, crying,


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 75"Arsaces to the gallows Arsaces to the block !Arsaces to the stake " tore up the benches anddemanded their money back. Suddenly the lightswere extinguished, and in the darkness, whichArsaces had cunningly foreseen would ensue fromthis device, he made his escape, but this time withthe Infant on his back, whom he was now con-vinced would be either the burden or the joy ofhis chequered career.As he was crossing the Euphrates one darknight-"Pray stop," said Mr. Barlow, "I wish to askTommy a question. Why is it dark at night ? "Tommy considered for a moment and thenanswered,-" Because, sir, the moon shines."Mr. Barlow threw the milk-jug at him, andHarry forthwith proceeded with his narrative.As he was crossing the' Euphrates, one dark:night, the boat upset, and when Arsaces had


76 THE NEW HISTORY OFreached in safety the opposite bank, the Infantwas nowhere to be found.Arsaces now worked with redoubled zeal andperseverance, and was not long before he hadacquired so excellent a reputation in Sparta as toinsure him engagements for at least four nightsin the week at private parties, while he occasion-ally managed to delight and astonish crowdedaudiences in the theatre, when other performanceswere not going on.On one of these occasions a noble lady was sostruck no less by the grace of his bearing than byhis highly entertaining qualities, that, carriedaway by her curiosity to learn the secret of theThree Thimbles, she offered him her hand andfortune, which was considerable.Arsaces could not withstand the importunitiesof the fair Persian-for she was a native of thatcountry-and at length agreed to render herhappy by naming the day for their nuptials,when he would also, he said, inform her how theThree Thimbles were done.


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 77When the friends of the bride were assembled,and the ceremony was about to commence, aveiled woman entered bearing a basket, whichshe offered to the Persian lady. Before Arsacescould interfere, Sellani-for it was she-sat upin her berceau, and not only declared herself tobe his child, but introduced the veiled lady as hiswife.Arsaces, obliged to fly the country, now becamea wanderer over the earth. Wherever he went,whenever he attempted to puzzle the people withhis Thimbles and Three Cards, the Infant was sureto be on the spot to explain how they were done.In the meantime the Persians had taken uparms to resent the affront offered to their country-woman, and the Spartans, ever eager for battle,at once commenced hostilities. Arsaces told thelatter that victory was on the cards. The engage-ment began, and Arsaces was seen conspicuous inevery part of the field encouraging his companionsto charge. Five times he was observed runningwith all his might towards, as he said, the place


78 THE NEW HISTORY OFwhere he supposed the enemy to be thickest.Brought back on every occasion by his bravecompanions, he at last fell, gloriously, into thehands of the enemy.Heroically refusing to accept his life on anyterms short of showing his countrymen's plan ofbattle to their foes, he was at once, on his offerbeing accepted, brought before the general.Producing from his satchel his Three Thimbles,which he now named the tents of the enemy, hewas proceeding to interest the chiefs of the army,when a voice from the interior of the tent ex-claimed, "Beware "Arsaces recognized the tone, it was that of theneglected Infant. Rushing headlong once moreinto the midst of the affray, Arsaces was seen nomore.Next morning a dishonest mariner, who oughtnot to have been loitering on the shore at eleveno'clock on the previous night, but had been doingso, informed a young man, who did not happen to


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 79be much interested in the matter, that he had seenthree figures sailing out to sea in a small boat.Two, a man and a woman, were seated in theprow, the one explaining to the other somethingwith what appeared to be pieces' of cardboard,while in the stern sat what seemed to be a prodi-giously fine baby, steering.V-0 li-


80 THE NEW HISTORY OFIt was doubtless Arsaces and his craft. Thissupposition is rendered the more probable by thefact that the vessel was thimble-rigged.Tommy expressed himself vastly delighted withthe story, to which he had listened with suchattention during tea-time as to have taken noaccount of the many slices of bread and jamwhich he had consumed, although they had been,in reality, prepared for his friend Harry, who nowfound himself reduced to a single round of drybread."Think, however," said Mr. Barlow, reveren-tially, "how many poor starving people there areto whom this would be a luxury. Tommy, lockup the jam-pot and give me the key."Tommy obeyed, and, on Mr. Barlow quittingthe room, was about to follow him, when Harrywhispered,-"Poor people be blowed! Look here, I'll punchyour head afterwards.""We will now," said Mr. Barlow, returning,


SANDFORD AND MERTON. 81"go out into the garden and look at thestars."So saying, he handed them their telescopes,and having seen them safely into the garden, hecarefully shut and locked the house-doors andretired to bed, where, with a smile upon his lipsbetokening much inward enjoyment, he soon fellinto a sound sleep, from which he was onlyaroused half-an-hour afterwards by the cry of fire,and, on putting his head out of window, he re-ceived full in his face the contents of the garden-engine, which Harry and Tommy were, withgreat presence of mind, energetically pumping.The alarm, however, proving to be false, Mr.Barlow thanked them in a neat speech from hisbedroom window, and begged them to enter thehouse by the back door, which was now un-locked. But Tommy, however, perceiving,Through a crack, the burly figure of the butlersecreted behind it, allowed Harry to adopt thismode of entrance, when he was immediatelyseized by the faithful domestic, while he himselfG


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