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"A book every man
should read before
A. O. UDE
FORMERLY SENIOR MORAL INSTRUCTOR, URHOBO NATIONAL
COLLEGE, WARRI, NOW TUTOR, NEW BETHEL COLLEGE, ONITSHA
Ude's Publishing. Company,
14, EZENWA STREET,
ONITSHA, EASTERN NIGERIA.
1. Questions For men
2. Letter Writing About Marriage
3. Marriage Etiquette
4. Questions For Girls ......
5. Useful Advice On Marriage
WHY YOU SHOULD READ THIS BOOK
Marriage is an important affair, people daily go
into it, but many do not know much about its difficul-
ties. They, take marriage, meet with its difficulties and
Today if you look around the country, you will
see that many women are filling up hotels. Ninety
percent of these women are married. But they meet
with marriage difficulties and off they go. You cannot
say that all these women are bad by nature. Ask them
why they leave their husbands, they will tell you diffe-
rent stories. By careful listening to their stories you
will see why it is wise for you to be wise, in order to
know more about your own wife.
Again, you must know that Nigeria today is no
longer Nigeria of yesterday. Many changes are coming
into our country. Some of these changes are bad, and
some are good. It is left for you to have thorough
knowledge of these changes. This book will help you
not to make serious mistakes when you marry. So
study it with care. Read on.
QUESTIONS FOR MEN
1. Whydo men marryw,omen? The first thing you
must have to know is why women are married by men.
In answer to this question some people will just say
"to get children." I can assure you that this is not the
only motive why men marry. A young man of twenty-
two going into marriage rarely thinks of children. The
thought of children comes in, a few months after mar-
riage. But before this time, a different thought occupies
the man. In my opinion, youths begin to think of
(a) To satisfy a natural desire, that is to have the
gentle opposite sexes in their houses. They feel the
need of the behaviour and \way of women, and feel it a
grave need to have them. Their houses are cold, their
chairs seem not well enjoyed. They want to have some
body with whom to enjoy the little they have got.
(b) To have a long felt union designed by God bet-
ween man and woman. For this ensures rest, balanced
peace of mind, and help mate, which cannot be
bought with money.
(c) Finally, it is the older men who think mostly of
children, while the young men and women hold they
are entering paradise by being married.
2. What is the most important thing you must bear
in mind soon after marriage? It is to study my wife
and not to assert my ways irrespective of hers. I shall
hide my feelings first and find out the t)pe ofa woman
she is. If I do this, I will best know her faults and how
to correct them. By this gentle and quiet behaviour,
I will be able to "appreciate the good ways of my wife,
see her weak points, and make her feel very free with
me. I shall not abuse her, or beat her no matter how
bad I may find her to be.
3. How do you know you are ready for marriage?
To be fit for marriage I must:
(a) Have a secure position. No body is actually
secure in the world without the help of God, but there
are definite conditions I must have to be secure. If
I am a worker I must get a permanent post and be
confirmed in it. If I am a trader, I must have enough
money. It is not good for me to be married and begin
to go hungry with my wife or get terminated a few
months after marriage.
(b) I must come to a mature age. The age of twen-
ty-five, for men is the best and for women 18 to
(c) I must have a full knowledge of the behaviour
ofwomen. I shall not think my wife an angel nor think
her a de il. I shall expect goodness and weakness in
her because she is a human being.
4. When you are ready for marriage what will be
your target for selecting a wife? The target should be:
(a). A girl from a good family. For a family to be
good, the parents of the girl must have lived success-
fully as husband and wife. The father should not be
too poor and his wife should be a dutiful, strong, inte-
lligent faithful wife. She and her husband should have
a fair report, of people.
(b) The girl should not be very very beautiful, for
beautiful women are dangerous. She should not be
ugly. Ugly women make their husbands unhappy and
(c) In short, the girl should have good manners
and be of good conduct.
5. Why do you say that beautiful women are danger-
ous? This is so because many of them are generally
loose. They suffer too much from the trials of men
and so become too kind to men. This often leads them
to evil. Women of moderate beauty are therefore
better for house wives.
6. How are you to find out the kind of girl you are
going to marry? Never let her know that you have
her in mind. Be fairly familiar with her and study
her ways. She will not know what you are after and
so behave naturally. In this way you will find out
her manners. Annoy her a little to find out how
she will react. Watch her attitude to men in general.
7 When you make up your mind to marry a girl
how will you approach the matter? I will tell the
girl that I want to marry her. If she agrees then
I shall tell her parents. If the parents refuse, I
shall ask the girl to make them agree if possible.
8. How do you know that a girl loves you enough
to be your wife? She will not be too much after
my money, instead she will like to give me her
own. She will like my people very much especially
my father and mother. She will reply to my letters
as soon as I write, and will like me to have her
pictures. She will be serious on seeing me, and will
begin to make good preparations for my comfort.
She will be shy and talk less.
9. Is it good to go against the advice of your parents
in choosing a wife? it is not good. Our parents are our
God's representatives and in all matters relating to
marriage, their voice should be heard. In the real
sense of the word, they are not against our marriage,
but at times, after examining the girl and her family,
our parents may have good objections to our marrying
the girl we love. Love is strong, but we should try o
suppress it, and look for another girl. Failure in mar-
riage is generally due to the neglect of our parents'
advice while selecting a wife.
10. Is it good to -pay 100 fora girl? No. This is
buying the girl. Human beings should not be regarded
as articles for sale. A sensible wise man will not receive
a farthing for his daughter.
11. How will you behave towards your wife before
church marriage? I shall be very, very careful espe-
cially if she is highly qualified. I shall let her know
that I am a good man. A little thing can spoil our
relation. So I shall be watchful and kind to her
takingcare to correct her. I shall avoid meetingher.
12. Why is it that some parents-inlaw quarrel so
much about the marriage of their daughters? This
is due to the way the men marrying their daughters
behave: The parents know that they are giviipg much
by giving away their whole daughter. Money cannot
really get a wife. So a little thing annoys them very
13. What will be your attitude towards your parents-
inlaw? I shall never, never annoy them. If they
abuse me I shall not return it. Nigerians like gifts so
I shall see that I shall be giving them something every
now and then. I shall constantly write them. If
they visit me I shall honour and respect them. very,
14. How will you get yourself ready for bring-
ing home your wife? I shall provide all the necessary
things, such as beds, plates, chairs, utensils and in
-fact every thing required in a house, if I am
able. I shall have enough dress for myself, and
my wife. If I am a worker, I must .see that I have
at least 30 after marriage.
15. If after marriage a whole year passes and
your wife is not conceived what will you do? I
shall be patient till it is clear two years, after which
I will know that some thing is wrong. Two of us
will go to a good doctor for medical examination.
If after this we still, fail to get a child I shall leave
all to God. Nobody can get all the good things
in this world. A- child is a gift, so God may
decide to give me one or not to give.
16. When your wife becomes sad, easily annoyed
with you for her failure to get a child what will
you do? I shall know that a real temptation
has now come. I shall point out the bad
ways of my wife to her and warn her to be patient.
If she continues to be uneasy, I shall leave her
to do her worst, and pay proper attention to
going to church. I shall also work hard to have
plenty of money. She will not leave me if 1 have
plenty money and live an attractive good life. If
she becomes a bad woman, I shall separate from
her but will not marry another.
------ -'- c ---
The above points are mere skeletons of question
sixteen, and I shall like to detail the points
therein. Lack of child after marriage is du: to.
many causes. It may be due to disease before.
marriage, bending of Virgina, wrong method of
sexual intercourse and waywardness on the part
-of man or woman .after marriage. Hence it
is necessary first to go to the doctor from whose
explanation the husband and wife should know what
to do. It must be stressed that productive organs
are very delicate, especially on the part of a woman
so that all attempts should be made by her to pro-.
tect herself before marriage. A wandering girl is
collecting all sorts of blood from men both good
and bad, which will easily destroy her productive
organ. If she really wants to have a child she
must be very careful of herself. Corruption also makes
marriage no matter how good, appear a prison
yard for a girl. She Feels unfree and confined and
in some cases some of them will begin to pine
away. The husband in this case does not experience -
a real love from his wife. Parents should do .all
they can to protect their daughters by giving them
a good instruction and preventing them from follow-
ing bad girls and boys, If a girl is chaste and healthy
before marriage she musl surely get a child,' no
matter how old she may be. The present Nigerian
girls think more of their salaries than the real
marriage responsibilities. The greater responsibility
in marriage is faithfulness to the husband and a-
good protection before marriage. A girl who fails
in this duty is not worthy to be called a good wife.
So girls should learn to chastise themselves by
avoiding the -sinful attraction of the world.
Remember the words of St. Paul, "You must
chastise your body to bring it under subjection"
17. When your wife is under state what-will-you do-?
I shall be giving her good -food.. If a woman is well
fed when under state, her- child- will be intelligent
when he is grown up. Such foods like eggs, fruits,
milk, ovaltine, rice, pounded yams will be good.
18. Is it good. to be watching and suspecting your
wife? This is a great error. No body can protect a
woman. To suspect a woman is to make her bad and.
unhappy. So a woman should be allowed to behave
freely as God has made her.' If she is loose,' you will
.worsen her looseness if you suspect her to her know-
19. If your wife is rude to your servants and the
general public, what will you do? I shall be telling
her to change. Oral instructions kept very long is
very effective in making a woman good.
20. If you have married a lazy careless woman what
will you do? No woman is entirely useless or lazy.
Try to find out what she likes to do. Do not think
she will do what you think you will. Find out her
real interest and her laziness will be less to your
surprise. In other words, take care to correct her.
There is no hard and fast rule about this.
21. How will you treat your children? I shall treat
them with respect. It is not good to make children
sleep on the ground, eat food separately from their
parents. Children so treated are generally stupid. I
shall see that I talk and do things with my children.
22.. Do you agree with me that there is almost an
absence of family life in many Nigerian homes? Yes
I am of that opinion. An ideal home should be closely
knit. The mother should daily have a programme of
work at home. See about the cleanliness of the
whole house, wash and clothe the children, protect
them from wandering about or sitting aimlessly
after school hours. There must be definite times
for meals which should be well prepared and
taken on the time table by all the members of
the family. Time for retiring should be definite,
and children should have decent well covered
beds for their night rest. In Nigeria many people
pay little or no attention to this, children are
dirty, sleep on the floor and take their meals in
the kitchen. They are treated as senseless beings
by the father and. that is why many of them
grow up to hate school and to be rowdy and
dirty. To be a progressive nation, the whole as-
pect of home life should be changed in Nigeria.
The worst practice of parents is the beating of
children before reaching the age of seven years.
This should never be done.
23. Are children just senseless? No. This is a
foolish idea to be cast aside in this country.
Children aimlessly as they seem to be behaving are in
the world of their own, as serious as a d u I t s.
They are just trying to learn, and be like their
father and mother. Hence children's discussions,
and desires should be carefully attended to. Their
senses of curiosity should be upheld and nursed.
They should not be subjected to inferiority com-
plex, and should as infants be respected and
treated as adults. Children treated in this way
grow up to be wise, sensible and gentle
24. What type of foods are most suitable for the
proper growth of children? Children should be fed
with milk after they have left sucking the mother's
milk. Children like bread very much, and should be
fed on this. Some children do not like "fufu", but prefer
biting things. The whole fact is that we should never
be annoyed with children for their desire. We should
listen to them and give what they like, it does not
-matter how costly, provided we can afford to
25. Why is it that many people lose their children
in Nigeria? This is mainly due to carelessness.
Children are very delicate and are easily prone to
diseases of various kinds. As soon as a child is ill
no matter how small the illness may be the child
should be attended to at once. We should send the
child to a qualified doctor or chemist at once. Neglect
of illness till it develops generally kills children.
Again, children should not be left to the mother alone.
The father should be equally careful and watchful
about his children.
26. Why is it that some men find it difficult to live in
peace with their wives. Your question is a wise one.
Husband and wife quarrel due mainly to the following.
(1) Bad up bring-Some girls are so badly brought
up that they find it difficult to please a man. They
are so free and careless and wish their husbands to to-
lorate all they do whether good or bad. In the same way
some men do not care about the feelings of their wives.
They keep them poor, dirty, and in a very inferior po-
sition-paying a good deal of attention to street girls.
(2) Lack of experience-Some girls are by nature
good but they are taken away as soon as they grow up
or reach standard six, they take to a regretable
childish behaviour in their husbands' homes. A little
bit of punishment is recommended for this sort of girls,
if they have not reached the age of 21. Parents of the girls should
co-operate with the husbands to train up their daughters and not
to hold that the girls are being ill treated. A good many failures
in marriage are due to this sort of trouble, when the parents
are well to do and support the foolish actions of their
daughters. In the same way, some young men hold that they are
so decent and handsome that they are the betters and cause
of pride of their wives. Theyjake to treating them as they like -
till the girls develop dislike for them. To marry well the hus-
band and wife should be careful of each other and respect
themselves. (3) Evil habils; some girls form notorious evil habits
before marriage which inwardly they are not prepared to relax,
after the holy wedlock. The husband on discovering these is
bound to dislike them. Some men again are women chasers
and drunkards, and wish to keep this afrer marriage. All these
lead to quarrels and should be checked. Laziness-This on the
part of a wife leads to her dislike by the husband. A lazy
uninitiative woman is as useless as she is regretable. To be a
useful wife a woman should try to occupy her-self in some
work. This begins with the proper care of her children, su
that they will always be clean and neat, the neatness of her
home, and the cooking in time. If she is not a worker, she
must find some extra work to do. It may be pure commercial
knitting, frying of "akara", trading, sewing, or some other useful
work. On the whole, it is not good for her to sit idle daily
at home. She may be rude and unhappy due to feehng of useless-
ness. (5) Poverty-Without enough money in the home it is
fairly rare for husbands and wives to be happy and live in peace.
Husbands should try to -work hard to have enough money for
the comfort of their wives. If the work they are doing is a poor
line the best thing is to leave it and join a lucrative calling.
A home should afford comfort and a decent standard of living
for a wife, in order to be fully happy and contented. For a
full information about how to get a better job read- "How
To Avoid Poverty," by A. 0. Ude. It is a nice book (price
I : 6d obtainable from Ude's Publishing Company, 14 Ezenwa
Street, Onitsha.) Apply at once and do not allow procrastina-
tion to rub you of success.
27. Explain the term tender- emotion of love. It is the tender and
almost irresistible emotion of love felt by man and womanata
fully mature age. This emotion varies in men and women depend-
ing on the degrees of the individual love instinct. Women
mature in. it earlier than men, but it really comes to women from
twenty five to forty years. Well brought up men get at it
best from thirty years down. Love instinct exists at all times
in men and woman but this wonderful emotion makes love
affair almost irresistible. It is here that human weakness
shows itself. It can be called the age of love. The love is
generally very strong when a man falls in love with a girl
he naturally likes. The same applies to girls. Marriage
contacted wi;h this sort of emotion rs generally the best if
there is no unexpected disappointment on either side after
marriage. A girl loving a boy at this age nearly dies for him
for all the boy has is the best and the same applies to boys.
Both sexes are warned from releasing this sort of love unless
there is hope of marriage. Love varies and there is some sort
of love that is so irresistible on the part of the man and woman
that any disappointment in respect of marriage may result to
a life-long unhappiness and misery.
28. Do you-agree that women love the money and not
the man? This opinion is both right and wrong. Without
money a man and a woman cannot come together at all. So
it is really money that makes a man and not only the beauty or
bodily strength. Women instinctively tend to show real
appreciation and love for those with the real money because
they are capable of satisfying the desires of nature that is the
tnaintenance of a weak nature-the woman. Men as well
show real interest in money because it is money that makes
life possible in the world. To have money and education is to
be a full flegded man.
It is wrong to hold opinion that without money a girl cannot
love her husband. A girl's reaction in this respect depends on
her upbring. A well bred good girl shows real love for her
husband whether he has plenty of money or not. But since
money is the only means of existence you should not expect a
full unreserved love from your wife if you are in destitute of it.
29. Is it good to marry an educated girl say-a girl with
Teacher's Grade 2 Certificate? Yes it is good to do so, beca-
use an educated girl is not only personally developed but will be
a source of conifort to you by her ripe conversation, ripe ways of
behaviour, financial aid and a cause of respect from others to you.
30. I agree to what you say butit does not always follow, because
instead of this comfort, some of these girls are a source of trouble
to their husbands. What have you to say. I should not
entirely deny what you say. But it is rather an individual
statement other than a general acceptance of fact. 1
agree that some of our educated girls trust their salaries so
much that they take to doing what pleases them. Some always
make up their minds to conquer and rule their husband or just
to do what they like. On this ground I do not recommend the
marriage of a self willing evil girl whose feelings cannot be
affected by the just remonstrations of her husband, because
of her salary and educational security. How ever not all of
them are like this. A good woman is always good no mat-
ter her height. The best advice you will be given is to exa-
mine your wife's nature before you marry. Educated girls
seem to have destroyed fear of insecerity in them and this
makes them behave very freely and at times unduly freely.
We do not object to this freedom, if it is natural, woman-like,
and well controlled. It should not mean freedom to retain
loose friends and even make more. It is not freedom to walk
out at any time and return at any time. It is not freedom to
be wild, unsympathetic and self willing. The charm of the
certificate gained should be shown in a girl who should be
simple, full of love and respect for her husband, and above
all extremely faithful to him. So our educated girls should
know that they represent the home of our country, the
first class womem of the nation and should begin now to set
fine standards in homes that will make Nigeria a respect-
able nation in the World, for it is the home that makes
the nation. A marriage without restraint is bound to fail
or be an unhappy one. So we shall learn to chastise our
body in order to bring it under subjection This is
the word of St. Paul.
31. Some women are very fond of running to their parents at the
slightest provocation. If ones wife is in this sort of habit, what
suggestion have you to give? This depends on the way you handle
your wife. Running away is one way in whichsome wivesintend
to conquer their husbands. They hope to be begged and brought
back so as to continue their evil habits. Some run away and never
come back again being deceived either by their wicked parents or
evil friends to take to a loose way of life. The presence of so
many wives today in bars and hotels is due in most cases to little
quarrels with their husbands followed with their escape and
deceipt by people. The wife may not dream of such a life but
gradually drains into. the bar, and suddenly becomes what
she was not yesterday. On the whole, treat you wife well
and ifinspite of all your kind deeds she prefers to run away-you
32. Do you think that it is not dangerous-to follow the
course you have suggested in dealing with one's wife, especially
if the girl comes from a' rich and well-to-do family?
I do not think so. Try to understand exactly what I mean:
Marriage is a wrestling match and you should be tactful
when you marry. If you are able to show to your parents'
in-law and to their family members,. hat you are their in-
dependable inlaw, your quarrel with your wife will carry
little weight. But if you fall out with them and they hate
you and your wife ofcourse notices it, and if she is still young
you may lose her, if she is not a firm christian, and does
not love you really, for broken marriages are often brought
out by some parents and deceivers. The only defence
against the must-be-struggle is to be sure that you are
on good terms with the father and mother of your wife
and that you treat your wife like a gentleman. But'
do not allow her to win you. 'eep on the struggle even
for years, till one day you will notice a well behaved sensible
woman.' This is the fruit of your years of 'struggle to retain
and make your wife a better woman than what she was
when she came to you at first. In many cases some lucky
fellows marry already responsible, sensible, good girls. Any
force in this respect is not recommended, as this may spoil-
the wife. Good families are however rare in Nigeria.
33. But some parents in-law are so bad that you can
never satisfy them, no matter what you may do. As it is,
do you not think they will welcome the desertion of your
wife when she runs to them? Thank you very much for
that question. I have my-self come across such parents in-
law. As I have been repeatedly saying, if only-you are good
to the little world around them, and to your wife really,
you will both cure their long out-standing cruelty to
you when their daughter runs to them. Goodness cannot
be bent. You will allow them and their daughter to come to
their senses. Going to beg them is to worsen their hatred.
It is natural to show your firmness here and your good
deeds will come to their minds, and they will be sorry for all
they have been doing. How ever there cannot be a hard
and fast rule here. Use your manly discretion please.
Tell me what you should do to retain the love of your wife:
To retain the love of my wife I should (1) Respect her feel-
ings. I must know she feels pain just as I do and should
retrain from becoming an open oppressive man towards my wife.
12) 1 shall endeavour to be faithful to her for unfaithfulness disturbs
her happiness just as it sets men mad. (3) 1 shall try to work
hard for her maintenance for poverty sets a home in disorder.
(4) I shall see that she is given enough private money for her
needs (5) I shall see that she is given enough clothes for all
occasions. (6) She should be free and should not be abused
in the house, suspected or followed by a boy when going out.
(7) I shall be in peace with her people. (8) She must not be"
too free for too much freedom makes women stupid, uncon-
trollable and wicked. (9) [ must see that I correct her well
when she is wrong. (10) In the inevitable battle for ownership
which always issues between a man and his wife I must see
that I hold the upper hand. Love is deep but I shall either
prefer death to allowing a woman to conquer me and begin to
direct my affairs. This battle begins some months after marri-
age and continues till the fourth .child of a woman, when
either the man is subdued and though he looks big and tow-
ering, he is really the servant or his wife or the woman is
conquered and remains wise, faithful and respectful towards
her husband. No matter howgood yourwife may be this struggle
must issue. Be on the watch, proper application of goodness
and firmness will enable you to win. Sometimes you bring
about your utter defeat by being the first to be cruel and
unkind to your wife. Women are powerful in the home and can-
not be conquered by cruelty. You must be very careful about
your relation with your wife. A man controlled by a woman is
generally known on the way. The wife may be so free that
bhe may even remain a private prostitute and this when careful-
ly noticed may lead to her husband's death before reaching 60
years of age. The happiness of your marriage depends greatly
on this point. Wives especially the trained ones should not
be happy to control the affairs of their husbands. For this
destroys his manhood to the unhappiness of the wife. She
will be unhappy to have a sheepish husband who no longer
has a will of his own and the worst aspect br the matter
is that women are never wise or sensible enough to govern
the affairs of men. So' honour and respect your husband in
order to be really happy as a wife.
LETTERS ABOUT MARRIAGE
1., From a Vice-Principal requesting the hand of a
Grade II Teacher already in promise.
From Moris N. Edoga B.A. (Hons) London,
Metropolitan College, Onitsha.
25 :10 :54.
Dear Miss Obi,
I hope my letter will not come to you as a surprise.
I have thought over what I am going to say to you in
this letter, for a couple of months, and trust it is not
out of place for me now to be open. Ever since I
returned from the United Kingdom, I have made up
my mind to marry,-but my greatest problem lies in
how Ican succeed in getting a girl thatI shalllive in
peace and happiness with.
My seeing you at the send-off function of Mr.
Denis Obiora, was really an accident, and my short
conversation with you on that occasion, together with
your general behaviour at the function, gave me food
for thought. To say the truth I was affected by such a
natural appeal in which I experienced a mixture of
joy and sensation.
I further placed enquiries about you, and these con-
firmed my impressions. To be plain, I have to say
with the greatest humility, that I want you to be my
wife. Though no body can be the true judge of himself,
but I am certain I am not in any way a bad man, and
promise to treat you with the greatest kindness and
love, if only God will help us to come together as
husband and wife. I am plain and have nothing to say
While awaiting your reply.
Yours in love,
M. N. Edoga.
2. A reply from Miss Obi.
Holy Rosary College,
31 : 10 : 54.
Dear Mr. Edoga,
Your letter reached our convent about a week ago,
but very unfortunately I was away conducting a prac-
tical teaching test for our girls in training here. I re-
turned only two days ago, hence my failure to reply to
your letter in time. I hope you will be kind enough to
pardon my delay.
I have gone through your letter, and have to thank
you for the appreciation you have shown for my poor
manners. I however regret to inform you that as far
as marriage is concerned. I have already promised to
marry Mr. J. M. Ezeobi. a Grade II teacher, at Mgbo-
wo Catholic School in Agwu Division. My promise is
firm, and I am afraid, I shall never disappoint him.
3. A further communication from Mr. Edoga urging on Grace to
reject Mr. Ezeobli,
20 : 11 : 54.
My dear Grace,
Your letter came as a surprise and shock to me. I do
not expect such a letter from a girl of your intelligence
and education. Why should you reject me to marry a
Grade II teacher? In what way will you compare me
with Mr. Ezeobi? Is it on point of salary, or of social
standing, or of security after marriage? I am sure some-
body led you to this decision, but 1 have to assure you
that opportunity comes but once in life.
I have to ask you to change your mind because
nations alter their decisions for a greater profit. This
life is short, and what matters is a happy living for
the short time we are in it. You are still a young girl,
and have not experienced the pangs of poverty. If you
wane to condemn yourself to a life of poverty than to
come here and live a decent attractive life I have no
objection. I am only sure of one thing. I am a good
man and if you ask any body about me, he will con-
firm this statement. Please change your mind. I shall
love you very dearly and be extremely kind to you
after marriage. You will have nothing to lose.
Waiting for a Tavourable reply.
I wish to remain,
Yours in deep love,
Holy Rosary College,
22 : 11 : 54,
Dear Mr Edoga,
Your letter reached me just yesterday. I have gone
through it and have considered all you said.
There is one thing I shall like to point out to you.
You will agree with me that you are not the greatest
man in the world. It is quite true that you a graduate,
and that you are earning a very high salary, and that
your influence is noted, but the Minister of Education
for example is higher than you. If I reject Mr. Ezeobi
and marry you. because of a high salary and influence,
I might one day reject you to marry the Minister of
Educatian and my life you see will be a vicious circle,
I think the best thing is to stand on the ground I have
gained and spend my life there, than to be jumping round
the world because of high men.
I have told you that as a lady, I have promised to marry
Mr. Ezeobi, and in no circumstances should I, for conscience
sake, reject him. Please let us cease this exchange of letters
at this junction for a further communication from you will
meet with no reply from me.
From a young man to another girl in promise winning her over.
20 : 12 :55.
Dear Miss Obiorah,
I do not think I need any formal introduction of my-
self to you. But as \ou may be ignorant of my activities
here, I shall like to hint you.
I am in the Department of Science and have now spent
approximately five years in this University. I am due to
come out in July after I have taken my B.Sc. in Zoology
I do not know what our posting will look like, but according
to information received, I think I shall be taking up appoint-
ment as Assistant Secretary in the Ministry of Agriculture
I have made up my mind to marry as soon as I leave
the University. My meeting you at the last Offala Festival
appeared to be an accident, and I can only comment on my
feelings by telling you that I was greatly impressed and infor-
mation received also confirmed this impression. But some
body told me that you have already promised to marry one tea-
cher at Ogidi Central School. I do not know how far that is true,
but if it is true I need not tell you what to do. now.
One thing is that I was so favourably impressed with
your appearance, particularly your tone, that I do not
mind what it will cost me to remove any obstacle that
will stand in my way for you. It 'rests with you now.
I shall be grateful to hear from you as soon as possible,
and hope your reply will gladden my heart.
Yours in love.
Fredrick M.C. Ezekwe.
6. A reply from Cecilia,
C. M. S Girls' School,
Dear Mr. Ezekwe,
Your letter reached me only yesterday. I read it
several times, but could not believe my eyes.
Do you really mean what you said in that letter?
I can only say all depends on you now and not on
me. As for the teacher you nientioned-please do
not mind that. I agreed to marry that man, due to the
agitation of my parents. I have now fully rejected
him from the day I got your letter. I shall only
tell you not to disappoint me.
You say, you will be taking your B.Sc.
please try to pass it. When are you taking the
examination? Please try to tell me -about the result.
What do you mean by the MiNnistry of Agriculture?
Try to explain it to me when you write again.
I lived at Enugu once with my father and
I shall like to be there again.
Yours or ever,
Cecilia O. C. Obiora.
7. A week later,PCecilia sent the following letter to her intended
C. M. S Girl's School,
7 :1 :56.
Dear Mr. Orakwe,
I cannot hide it from you, I am really annoyed in
writing this letter to you. The treatment given to me
by your mother during the last holidays, cannot be
described. She did not only make mouth at me for
every slightest mistake, but went so far to say that I
was not worthy to be your wife. Had you but told
me that, that was her nature I should not have gone
to stay with such a woman. I cannot blame her be-
cause I left my mother to come to serve her.
If you really value me, you should have told
me about the nature of your mother. I am not
surprised because the treatment you are giving me
since last year, is now giving me food for thought.
You remember you promised you would be sending
me some money, but you sent.it once and stopped.
I particularly requested of you for the purchase of
a Liverpool sweater for me. You promised to do
so in February, but I could not see anything till the
end of August, when the sweater was almost useless
to me, and worse of all, oversize.
There is no doubt that I like and value-you Mr.
Orakwe, but the shape things are taking of recent beats
my imagination. I am now in doubt whether our in-
tended marriage is going to be a successful one. I want
you to be thinking while I shall be thinking too.
8. From a girl in a confused state.
10 : 10 :60.
Dear Miss Okoro,
I have a big problem which has been worrying me for long
now. When I finished my course in nursing I thought that
I was so beautiful and known, that I can marry at any time, so
I made up my mind to know more about life and to help my
parents financially. Many young men applied to marry me,
but I refused, giving one reason or another.
Now I am rather getting too old. My anxiety for marriage
has increased so much now, but no body cares to apply for
me. I want a child. I am anxious for it. I am now about
thirty three years. Please advice me. Read this letter in private
and tear it after reading. Please do not allow anybody to see it.
9. From her friend replying,
C. M. S. Girl's School,
10 : 7 : 57.
Dear Miss Ike,
Your letter is a wise one and I thank you for it. You have
really made a serious mistake in your life. Do you know
what men value in women? They are two, namely tender
age coupled with beauty. If you lose these two things no
man cares to look at you again.
It seems to me you are not in a bloughing position about
the qualities. A girl of thirty three is not so young. You
should have married latest at the age of twenty-five years.
Now this is what you should do. Do not be look-
ing again for college leavers. They will never marry-
you, because they themselves are young and attract
younger girls. If you really want to marry you must look
for either a man of a poor education who is not really
employed, and who needs your financial help. If you
fail here, you should descend to a pure illiterate, in
order to get married. Do not be aiming very high'
again. That is my advice.
Janet M. Okoli.
10. From a working girl about to be married.
Catholic Convent School,.
25: 1 :56
Dear Miss Okigbo,
I am going to be married in June, but want to clear
one little difficulty before marriage. You know I hold
the Teacher's Grade II Certificate, which enables me
io be earning 19 a month. This is not a small sum
SMy parents have been wholly responsible for edu-
cating me. What 'am I to do with this money?'Is it
not a sort of'cheating that I shall be handing over
this money to my husband?
My fr their is needy and still needs my help. My hus-
band paid only 50 on my head, but my four months',
salaries are bigger, than this sum. Icannot say anything
till I hear from you. You are often sagacious and.
shrewd and your advice may be most helpful.
11. From her friend replying.
Baptist Girl's School,
3 : 10 : 56.
Dear Miss Okereke,
Your letter did not come as a surprise to me. What
really interested me in the letter was your initiative to
solve what is almost breaking many homes in Nigeria
today. Your problem is a simple one, and can be sol-
ved by the question: Yourself and 19, which do you
value more? Your answer will probably be yourself.
Now if you have sacrificed your whole self together
with your up to date domestic services to a man how
much less, 19 ? Many girls marry without really loving,
and that is why they fail naturally to solve such a sim-
ple problem for themselves. In short your salary be-
longs to your home and not to your husband. He is the
head of the family, and by reason of his being a man,
his main duty is to win bread for your home. He has
a better sense of managing money than you, and of
knowing better what direction the money should go. I
agree you have needs, but you should have to come
into agreement with him. Settle the amount to be set
aside for helping your parents, and give the balance
to your husband. You are free of course to see to your
needs as you fittingly see fit. .That is all.
12. From a girl to her old friend.
Methodist Girl's School,
25 : 10 57.
Dear Miss Egwu,
I have left the teacher training college now with a
Grade II Certificate.
It is my intention not to wonder about, but to marry at once
But my father has no son and no money. He almost depends
entirely on my salary for his living. His intention is that I
should not marry at all.
I am really confused. I do not know what to do. Please
give me some light as to the best course of action I shall
follow now. I shall be grateful
Grace M. Ndu.
13. From her friend replying.
Grade II Teaching Training College,
25 : 11 : 57.
Dear Miss Ndu,
Your letter does not come as a surprise to me because I
know how good you were when you were under training here.
Poverty is the present canker hook of our people and your father
is not the only parent embarking on such a diabolical decision,
as you have mentioned.
I can assure you Grace, that nothing could be worse than
the decision of a father not allowing his daughter to follow the
holy and natural course of nature, because of money. He must
realise that you are a woman and if he has no money, and
begins to rest on his oars because you have a Higher Elementary
Certificate, he has missed his bus !!
You will either choose to be free and marry now or live
the unhappiest life on earth by remaining unmarried. Your father
in short has no love for you. That is all.
Yours in annoyance,
14. From a man asking his friend to lend him money.
Dear Mr. Nweke,
Our friendship is such that if I am in need, and go to another
for a help, you will surely blame me. I shall be plain to you.
I need money now. People have planned to ruin me and if
something is not done now I shall 'b'e lost'forever. The house
of that woman tradingonpalm wine, just opposite mine, was broken
into by thieves three days ago. In givinginformation to thepolice,
this cruel woman, named me as one of the suspected persons. I
was immediately arrested and put into the cell. Three days later,
I was bailed by a blacksmith from our town, as those who claimed,
to be my friends deserted me when I was dorindcted with stealing.
Such is my fate, but I am sure that if others abandom me, yot-
will never do so. :
I have been advised by people that the case is a serious one
and that I need a lawyer for it. You know I haye just returned
from home after my marriage, -so that I haye not even a single,
penny left. My case is worsened by my mother-in-law who had
taken my wife when she heard that I was charged with sealingg'
Even my servant threatened to leave too.
I need fifty pounds from you as soon as possible. Lshall
refund this money when the cast is over. --.
Benddict C' O. Obi.
15. From his friend replying.
18 Ojoto Quarters,
Dear Mr. Obi,
I cannot lend you even a farthing for the case. There cannot
be smoke without fire. :When I visited you last month, you dis-
appeared in the night, in view of the fact that -you I had just-
brought in a new Wife. I was watchful enough to see you come
out from the very house of the woman, who is now your greatest
enemy. I took you aside and warned you about' this sort of,
plhaviour, but you told me that you went there to drink' palmff
wine. Your wife further cried, and reported the same ill behaviour.
to me. .
B; I :
Now your best friend has landed you into trouble.
There is a saying that appearance is deceptive. You are
my friend, there is no doubt, but ever since you started to take
my words as nothing, I feel you have overgrown your coat. As
far as your case with that yellow woman is concerned, I am not
going to give you a penny.
16. From a young man asking his friend to serve as an M. C.
at his marriage feast.
SC.M.S. Central School,
20 : 7 :54
Dear Mr. Ezeobi,
You have seen that my marriage will come up next Sunday,
and I shall be extremely grateful i( you would agree to serve as
Master of Ceremonies. I am aware of the strain this will throw
on you, but the mere thought of my friendly relation with you,
will, I am sure, make this burden "light. Your presence is
particularly needed when I consider the number of great men,
that has agreed to attend this marriage.
In the event of your consent, you will arrive at Ogidi a
day before the marriage. The total number of people coming from
Onitsha alone is over three hundred, and I am not to speak of
the people of Ogidi town itself. I have so far spent two hundred
pounds on provisions, so that all these things you see, need to be
arranged. I have been able to secure the service of ten young
girls and fifteen boys for your assistance. My wife will be brought
from Onitsha in my car on Saturday, but she will have to stay
at her father's house, till Sunday morning. Please let me hear
from you soon.
Domonic O. Eze.
17. From his friend accepting the invitation.
24: 7 : 53.
D ar Mr. Eze, *
I have to thank you very immensely for your
letter. Your appeal to me to act as an M.C., in
such an important marriage as yours really shows
how much you value me. Though my commitments
here are heavy, I must endeavour to arrive at Ogidi,
a day before your marriage.
It is a pity you have already spent two hundred
pounds, otherwise I would have asked you to reduce
the amount. As a Local Government Inspector you
are only a worker, and not a merchant, so that
your actual decision to spend a huge sum of two
hundred pounds on a marriage feast alone beats my
imagination. I have seen that my task is going to be
a tedious one, so that if I succeed in repairing the
little damage in my car, I shall come very early in the
morning, otherwise I should ask you to expect me
late in the evening.
Yours very sincerely,
F. M. Ezeobi.
18. From another seeking a different advice on marriage,
Holy Rosary School,
20 : 7 : 57.
Dear Miss Emelu,
You know I am now in Adazi convent for a two-
year course. My people care more for marriage
than education, so that when I returned a week ago,
a fine young man came for my marriage. He is
only an experienced standard six teacher.
My father has agreed, and I am just wondering
how I am going to marry a man whose education
is below mine. Please advise me. As for appearance, he
is handsome, but I feel he is insecure.
19. From her teacher replying.
Holy Rosary School,
30 : 7 : 57.
I thank you for your letter of the 20th instant.
Men are really different from women, in that it is often
difficult to say that this man is insecure or not. Much
education at times means less, to make an enviable man
for marriage. Had you but told me more about this
man, other than that he is not a certificated teacher, I
should have been more explicit in my advice.
But what I shall tell you, is to examine his other in-
terests, such as his physique or bodily strength his
personality or what he really aims at being in life, his
present possessions. But if he is that type of lazy igno-
rant uncertificated teacher who has made up his mind
to answer "Sir" to infant certificated teachers, all his
life, please reject him with scorn. That is all. So use
Your old teacher,
20. From a Std. 6 teacher applying to marry a Grade 2 teacher.
Catholic School, Okigwe,
20 : 5 58.
Dear Miss Ndu,
I hope you are well. How do you like our last
Christmas .carol? I hope it was a very good one espe-
cially as we sang so merrily through the town. Please
Miss, there is one thing I want to say to you in, this
letter, I hope you will not disappoint me. It
is true that I have not got a Higher Elementary
Certificate, but I have thought for ten years and hope to get it.
What I want to say Miss, is that after observing your ways
during our Christmas carol, I loved you so much, that I
could not sleep since you left for Onitsha. You were so neat and
your gowns were so well sown that I fancied my self to be the
happiest man in the world if I could have you in my house
as a wife. So I beg to be your husband. If you agree, we
shall marry either in June or before the end of the year.
Please let me hear from you soon.
Yours in deep love,
A. N. Okoye.
21. From Miss Ndu replying.
Holy Rosary Convent,
3: 5: 58.
Dear Mr. Okoye,
I got your letter and wish to seed an immediate reply.
My advice to you is that if you want a girl of my standard,
you must first of all set about to make your self a man.
You have taught for ten years and you are not trained and you
still hope to. It may be because by nature I am devoid of pride,
and appear kind to all who come my way, that you have plucked
up heart to write me this sort of letter. Te be plain, I can
not marry you, and hope you should not repeat the request.
22. From an illiterate carpenter seeking the hand of a Grade 2
23 Nsekwe Street,
21: 3: 58.
Dear Miss Uche,
I am sorry to tell you that my wife died recently leaving four
children for me. As a carpenter, I find it difficult to continue
to care for these children alone. I heard of you
and wish to approach y o u as a wife. As for
money, I shall not boast, but I cannot say l am poor. So
J hope that you will be well maintained when you co-
me. I hope you will be happy to receive this letter.
When you write I shall fix our marriage.
M. N. Eze.
23. From the girl replying.
20 : 6:58
Dear Mr. Eze,
I thank you much for your letter and regret deep-
ly for the death of your wife.
With regard to your request you will agree with me
that one of'the aims of rharriage is to live happily 9nd in
peace too. As it is I do not think I can agree with you.
In the first, your letter is not sensible enough, and
your social outlook as a man who has never gone
to school differs so widely from mine, apart
from the fact that I have to condemn my self
to caring for four children, I have not given birth to.
So thank you for your request, but I am afraid I am
firm in declining it.
24. An illiterate rich trader applying for a Grade 2
6 Bright Street,
Dear Miss Onu,
When I heard that you came to Onitsha last
Saturday, I was looking for you but could ndt get
you. Some bodv told me that you went to the Catho-
lic Maternity, I went there but could not see you,
However I shall like to tell you here why I was looking
for you. When I went home two weeks ago. I saw your
parents about you telling them that I would like to
marry you. They agreed but told me to ask your
opinion and that two of us should settle the matter.
I want now to know your opinion, you know
me well so that I hope there is no need for
introduction. You have been visiting my business
premises so often and our smiling faces each time we
meet gives me hope for this request. I promise that I
shallcare foryou well in this world, till death will
separate us. Please write and tell me what you think.
J. S. Obi.
25. Dear Mr. Obi,
I got your letter a few days ago. I have given thought
to it and have to reply at once. Marriage is a good
thing but there are often so many hindrances to it
which many people seem to neglect and later they will
begin to suffer under the wheels of marriage.
You see Mr. Obi, I know you are a progressive tra-
der, but the greatest obstacle between us is that you
cannot read or write. I have been fairly well educated a
Grade II Nurse, and have developed such simple civi-
lised attitudes that you are not used to. I feel that your
social outlook in life is so different from mine, that
we cannot live happily together. So because of this I
beg to decline your offer and advise you further not
to renew th'e request.
26. From a young Inter B.Sc. Teacher requesting the hand of
a GradeII Teacher.
Our Lady's High School, Onitsha.
18 6 :58
Deas Miss Umunna,
When I returned home last December, I had
in mind to say what I am going to
say in this letter to you but got a telegram from my father
which summoned me to Lagos so suddenly that when I
came back you had already gone back to your station. From
my happy dealngs with you, you can guess what I am going
to say in this letter. To say the truth I love. you so much
that I beg to be your husband. I shall treat you well and my
earnest endeavour is to see that we live happily as husband and
wife. Please let me hear from you. I shall be grateful.
V. K. Azi.
27. Holy Rosary School,
20 : 7 : 58.
Dear Mr. Azi,
I have to thank you'for your letter of the 20th July.
Incidently I am already in love with you before your letter
came. The bests form of love is that which, is natural and
affectionate. Of the young men in our town you are the
one I love most. I have been so much affected by this love
that after praying one day, that you would be my husband, I
actually shed tears. God has heard my prayer and has now
brought us together. I am now your Victoria, and will come
into your house any time you desire the wedding.
I hope you are well. Try to live in peace with your
fellow teachers, and please min d. Onitsha heavy traffic
Yours in deep love,
Victoria C. Umunna.
This chapter does not deal with a long range preparation for
marriage but with the immediate steps you will take for your
marriage ceremonies, and ceremonies themselves. (1) In the first
place arrange things with your wife. Two of you will sit
down and agree as to what will be done especially if she is
a worker. She can say what she can do, and your part will
be arranged too.
2. Arrange for the clothes of your wife. I do not mean the
wedding gown but the various clothes she will be using as a
married woman. Whether she is a worker or not send her
at least 20 for her home clothes if you can. Girls like
teachers and nurses generally possess only gowns but as a
married woman your wife needs clothes, head ties, hand bags,
shoes, underwears, etc. Send her money for these things.
3. The wedding gown-Do not make this gown any where.
Go to a good seamstress and cut the best material for it.
Do not borrow your wedding gown unless you are very poor.
The gown should be ready six months before the marriage
unless you can, get it without delay.
4. Your parents' in-law -See your parents' inlaw. They must
have their part to play. See them and have their consent before
the marriage of their daughter please.
5. Cost of ceremonies-Determine what you are going to spend.
Do not waste your money. Human beings are animals of self-
importance, so that some people wish to show their greatness
on this day, Remember that you are going to maintain your
wife and children so spend as conveniently as possible on your
weeding day. For a senior service man with a good pay
50 can do. For an ordinary worker 20 to 25 is alright.
It depends on your choice.
6. Place of ceremonies-Decide whether the place of marriage
will be your town or in a township, your place of work.
This is a question for you. If your home people will be annoyed
you better go home. Choose a better place-use your sense.
7. See friends for help-your marriage ceremonies cannot be,
a success unless you canvas for it. Sec good sensible friends
of yours who will arrange things and distribute your wedding cards
early. Do not fail to get the consent of certain people to come
and grace up your marriage. No body is above attending
a wedding no matter how humble th: wedding may be Remem-
ber the example of Christ at Cana.
8. On the day of marriage--Rise up early and dress up
in a good suit. Let your wife dress up. Go to the church early.
(b) See that your wife gets a number of girls called bride maids
who will be following her and encircling her when ever she
stands out. These must be her special friend preferably her
real sister who will act as her chief brides' maid. This girl
has much to do. She must stand behind her at the altar.
When the marriage is over, a group photograph should
be taken at once. All should try to join. The bride and
bridegroom should be delicately attended for this is
their best day. It is not 'good to abandon them. A
car should be provided for taking them home and music
should be melodiously supplied.
9. In the ceri.mony hall: All the invitees should go into
the hall before the arrival of the bride and bridegroom. They
should assemble thire to receive them. When the whole
party is fairly well seated the bride and bridegroom
should come in and take their seats at the table.
Music will be at its best when the bride and bridegroom
are coming in and cease when they are seated. After
this the best man of the bridegroom who is in function
like the chi,f brides'maid will now call out the proposed
chairman of the occasion. He will begin like this:
"Ladies and gentlemen, you will in the first place
allow me to welcome you all in this hall. You have all
come to give honour to whom honour is due. My
friend, his wife, and- I join in welcoming you.
We have finished the most vital of this function,
and what faees us now is to express mo re homely
our unreserved happiness for this happy marriage. We
have therefore a fairly long programme and I think it
will not be out of place if we proceed to execute
this programme at once. In the course of this, I would
call on MNr S. N. Okafor to chairman this occasion"
(Cheers, Mr. Okafor then goes up to t he table)
The best man then continues "I do not think Mr.
Okafor will be fully happy without some assistant as you
all know that God gave Adam a help-mate. I am therefore
calling on Mr. E. N. Okeke to act as the vice-chairman
of this occasion (cheers !) Mr. Okeke then goes to the table.)
The best man still continues "Ladies and gentlemen nothing
can be done well without supporters. I am calling on
(name four more persons) to support the chairman and
his vice (Moderate cheer). "Ladies a n d gentlemen
you can sit where you find suitable.
It is an old w r o n g fashion to arrange for
the middle, and the last tables. Only a table is enough
it does not matter the number of people, after this
the chairman's opening speech. He begins like this :
"Ladies and gentleman, it gives me much pleasure to be
here and I am happy all of you have turned up for this occasion
today. I am sure you have all got your programme as I have
one here. I think we have a fairly long programme and should
go along with it." After this the distribution of palm wine
and beer follows, then in the midst of this, sliced bread and
cake for the first time. Now the cake ceremony. The bride
and bridegroom place their hands on the cake, and the hus-
band cuts it. This is a mark of future co-operation and love.
After this the toast or a good speech about the bride and
bridegroom is proposed by the best man. He begins, "Ladies
and gentlemen, it is indeed a fine occasion for me to be
here and speak about my good friend and his wife, Mr.
and Mrs. Uche. My friend is such a nice active man,
that I think to give you a full account of him will take
your whole time. I can only point out that in my life,
I have not come across, such an excellent active good
man. In educational field Mr. Uche is not lacking, in
manners, he is above the average, and in earnest effort to
own pound, shilling and pence, you all know him very
well. Cheers !
Infact my good friend is such an excellent plain man
that you do not need any introduction of him. What I
pray for is that what he is to me as a friend, he should
be to his partner as a wife.
Now coming to his wife, I hardly have mouth to speak.
She has two notable names in our village the "Beauty
Queen" and "Super manners." Cheers! Gentlemen you
can guess what this means. Mrs. Uche inspite of' her high
educational standing a Grade II Teacher, shows herself to
be the most humblest girl in our village. I remember the
day we went to the Rev. Mother for withdrawing Mrs.
Uche from her, she made this remark." "If marriage is
not the law of God, I should not have allowed you to
take away my dearest Rosaline, she is the best teacher I
have" We know the significance of this statement and smiled
together. Appearance is said to be deceptive but I trust that
in the case of this gentleman and his amiable lady, it will not
be. May God help my friend and his good wife to live
as happily as we hope today they are going to do. Ladies
and gentlemen I thank all of you. He sits. Cheers! Cheers !!
Now the bride responds; Ladies and gentlemen my wife
and I, have no words to thank you for all the kind
regard and attention you have shown towards us. I do
not think I deserve all the praises the last speaker has
now poured in my favour. I regard my achievements
as a humble one and pray to God to help me to use
them for the real betterment of our country.
Ladies and gentlemen I thank you all." He sits. Mean-
while the wife should look natural and serene. She
should look her best and avoid fixing her eye on fine
people. Then the music continues and the enjoyment of
the remaining cake and bread. At the end-the Chair-
man closes the ceremonies with a few remarks. The
bride and bridegroom are taken to the car and
driven away. Then the.guests will disperse.
Things you will not do at the Ceremonies
1. Do not cook solid food such as yams and fufu.
2. Do not collect any money from anybody.
3. Do not arrange three tables at the centre.
4. Do not spend the time for all sorts of long speeches.
5. Allow the married man and his wife to go home
and do not follow them to disturb them.
6. Do not say very expressive things about the couples.
7. See that the food and drinks are evenly served.
QUESTIONS FOR GIRLS
26.- Tell me the greatest quality you should have, to
be really loved by your husband after marriage?
The quality is to be as good as God has made me. I
shall see that I reserve myself and never meet a man
even a day till I get married. My husband should be
the only man I shall know. This is the greatest gift a
beloved wife can give to her darling, because from it
other love tendencies take their rise.
27. What will be the result, if your husband
notes that you have been wandering about?
The respects he had for me before marriage will now
be very little He will almost hate me, and
will now be pretending to love me. He will
above all dislike my parents and cannot love
them really. This is so because I have not
been completely true to him.
28. But to preserve yourself is hard. Tell me
what you should do, to effect this? I should
be a good religious girl The grace of God
lessens the desire of corruption. 1 shall be care-
ful of bad girls especially in the convent. I
shall never befriend a bad girl. She will deceive
me. I shall pray to God to give me a sensible
good husband, and shall marry early; say at
the age of eighteen.
29. But at times your teaching, or nursing
course, may be so long that you cannot marry
at the age cf 18. tell me what you should do.
The fact is that it is not impossible for me to
be a virgin, even for life. I knew that the de-
sire for evil will be strong but I must bear
it. What of the Reverend Sisters of the Roman
Catholic Church? The thought of them will
make me remain chaste till I marry.
30. What special blessing does God generally
give to chaste girls? A happy life. God gene-
rally helps them to marry good progressive men
who will keep them happy through-out life. It
does not matter from what sort of family the
girls may come from. They may fall in love
with good Christian men. God is faithful and
does not allow those who love him really
31. What are the dangers of roaming from man to
man before marriage? The dangers are many (1) It
washes away the real human quality of a girl and
makes her unable to love any man really except for
(2) It creates in a girl an excessive love of
money both before and after marriage. A man
in big car is authomatically her beloved. (3) It
renders a girl uncourageous and unable to bear
the rigours of a married state and this generally
leads to her running away after marriage to serve
wine in the bar. (4) It may give a girl disease
and the chance of getting children is lost. (5)
It makes a girl unsteady with a man, and she
may remain a way ward woman after marriage.
(6) A corrupted girl can be easily deceived be-
cause corruption affects her real thinking power.
(7) It may result to conception which exposes
the character of the girl and her junior sisters;
thus ruining the family as a whole. (8) It results
to wonderful disappointments and suffering in life.
In order words it may make life hard for some.
(9) It is a great sin against God and makes
men and women unserious church goers.
32. What type of girls do men generally like?
To win the real love of my husband, I shall
always be neat in body, clothes and in the house.
I shall not be harsh to him. I shall be kind,
and approachable but behind my heart a
fixed determination ne ver to sin
to public, my-aim should be to make all hap-
py, by avoiding' rudeness and" wickedness to
people. I shall never be money-monger. Men
easily hate woman who begs money too much.
I shall love God and try to live a holy life.
33. What sort of life will you live after you
have been engaged, pending church marriage?
The fact is that I am now a wife to a man.
To do any evil is a great injustice to him. So,
I shall live a good virtuous life. I shall avoid
contact with my husband before marriage. I
shall write him often and have his picture
near me. I shall save money of my own if
I am working and give him after marriage.
34. If you were a worker what will happen
to your salary after marriage? I shall 'be sub-
tracting a little for my immediate needs. If my
parents are poor, I shall be giving them a finan-
cial aid. The balance should be given to my
husband against our future need. If I see that
he is a spend-thrift, I shall open a separate
bank account so as to be able to bring up
my children. I should be allowed to know what
our bank account says.
35. Suppose that your husband insists that you
are a woman, and should not know his purse
for fear you will begin to look down on him,
if you discover his financial position what will
you do? Here I will sympathize with him,
because many women are dangerous and do not
really love men except for money. I shall never
tell others about his financial position, I shall
never make undue demands for clothes or for
I shall npver compare other men with him in
order to make him do something for me. If
I do all this he will, surely trust me. But if after
a show of these acts of trust, he does not
trust me, I shall leave him alone, if I see that
he has good plans. But if he goes to the bar
every day. I shall open a separate bank account,
so as to be able to help my children and self
36. Why do some men dislike their wives no
matter how beautiful and prefer to run after
street girls? This is not only due to the ,husabnd
but also to the house wife, dye to her bad
manners. A beautiful woman with bad manners
is not really beautiful. Her beauty can not be
felt, as she is a source of trouble and sad
thoughts for her husband. So f shall try to have
good manners by cooking in time, keeping the
house neat, keeping myself, and children neat,
conversing freely with my husband, and taking
time to find out when he is in trouble to avoid
annoying him. I shall try to be happy myself
in the house by at times dancing to the tune of our
radio, or phone, asking him to dance and run-
ning into the room laughing and in fact trying
to pet him. Men like women to pet them and
not to remain hard dumb, shy, statutes in the
house, looking angry at servants and talking only
to the husband when about to go to the mar-
ket. Above all, I must- try to find out. the
type of a man my husband is and try to do things
to: please him, I do not come into the house
to be his competing equal, but his happy part-
ner. The main object of a wife is to make
her husband happy and if she fails to do this,
she has failed in her marriage duty.
37. If you were a great letter writer and lover of
men before marriage, tell me what you should do
after marriage? It is difficult to suppress genuine
love but I must try to do so. I shall never write
any body unless in a good natural cause. Unless I
have a good reason to talk to a man, I shall never
look at those who were once my so called friends.
38. If immediately after marriage a child is ndt
forth coming, what will you do? I shall try to
be happy. It is really a sad thought especially
if I had wandered before marriage. But I have to
be happy. If 1 become sad my unhappiness will
affect my husband and he himself will be unhappy
too. This will lead to the scattering of our house
if care is not taken. So I must give all to God,
and pretend that I am not worried. Even if there
is no hope, I shall love my husband much and
live happily with him.
39. Suppose that your husband himself is the
first to be unhappy, what will you do? I have
nothing to do except to be as good as possible.
If he tries to. marry another wife, I shall resist
him because such an action is a crime.
40. How will you treat your children when they
are born? I shall see that they are always neat.
I shall feed them regularly with good food. I
shall not allow them to sleep on the ground
while I go on a soft bed. They will never eat
separately, because this will make them shy and
stupid when they grow up. I shall always attend
to their childish questions and talks, because these
train their power of reasoning and make them
wise and sensible.
I shall be attending certain functions with them.
My aim will be to make them as happy
and as wise as possible from their childhood.
41. How will you treat your servants? I shall
not be cruel to them. I shall not make them eat
a different soup from me or sleep any where or
work too hard. I shall be kind to them. If they
are paid-servants, the payment should be fair
enough to enable them to live well.
42. Suppose that you are so poor as an un-
married maid, don't you think that the tempta-
tion to get a few shillings from young men will
be too great for you? I do -not think so. Unless
a woman is a determined street-woman, she may
go to men not absolutely to make money. The
money motive of course is there but not the sole
objective unless one is a professional prostitude. So
the question really goes back to whether I can
suppress evil before marriage, I think I can. I shall
manage what ever little I have. It must be re-
membered that young girls are so imbued with love
that they have to go to those they love really.
They seem to wander but make little money till
they are determined to sell themselves.
43. Do you not think that the temptations of
young men are often too great for an average
girl of age especially when she sees others indulging
into evil, and under such circumstances can you
resist evil? No matter what may be the trial of men
the whole blame lies with girls. Men are very ob-
servant .and do not tempt serious girls. Some
girls pretend to be serious but all around them
are signs of corruption. They generally arose men
by unnecessary "Good after noon" and "Good
evening." Their walk, look, facial expression, and
conversation are all inviting. On meeting such
girls, men are not fools, they recollect them-
selves and make approaches for evil. If in a
girl there is sure determination to be good, even
when walking in the dead night nobody will
talk to her. Her face is as genuine as that
of an angel, and men dread to speak to such
girls just as. the devil dreads the Holy Cross
which is nothing but goodness.
The question of other girls comes up. Wo-
men are by nature very imitative They fit in
with the society they finid, so that a good girl
can easily get contaminated by following bad
ones. But the parents in this case are to blame.
They trust their daughters so much that
they feel they will never be bad. A girl at
the age of puberty should be advised seriously
especially if she is going to the convent. If
she falls into evil, that may be. but she will
not say that she is taken unawares or supported
by encouraging optimism of her parents.
44. If your husband is annoyed over a certain
matter and begins to scold you, tell me what
you should do? The plain fact is, as a woman,
I am under my husband. It is not good for me
to speak as hotly as he is speaking when he is
annoyed. I shall leave him to say all he has
to say. I shall take notice of all he has said. Later,
when he is cool, I shall discuss the nmitter with
him. I shall then humbly point out where I am
wrong and' apologise, and tell him however where
am right. The whole fact is that I shall never
be flared up with him.
45. If your husband wants to beat you or has
actually beaten you what will be your reaction? I shall
do all I can to resist the beating but I shall never
46. Tell me why some girls are fat and beautiful
before marriage but get badly reduced, and ugly when
hey begin to live with their husband? The cause
is partly due to the wife and to the husbands: Some
girls because of blind love and ignorance rush to marry
men below them in education, culture and outlook
and finding their husbands quite different from what
they expect they begin to pine away. Another cause
is lack of self expression on the part of girls, due
to inferiority complex and too much silence. The man
thinks that his treatment to his wife is good while
in the real sense of the word he is really killing the
girl, who cannot express herself. Poverty and confine-
ment of the girl also give rise to such. The cure is
that men should relise that married women regard
their homes as a place of proper freedom and rest.
They should learn to give their wives proper freedom
and avoid as much as possible constant oral correction
and scolding of their wives. Above all wives should
not be suspected of meeting other men. This merely
finishes a married woman.
47. It is wise for an educated girl to marry an
illiterate or some body whose culture and education
are below hers. This question is partly answered
in number 6.6. The aim of a good education is
the creation of beauty. By beauty is meant beauty
in body, speech, house, dress, company and so
on. An illiterate has learnt little or nothing of
the creation of beauty.
He has some belief in the accumulation of money other
than its use. He does not even know the art of spen-
diog his money in an attractive way. So an educated
girl even with standard six pass, who marries an illite-
rate person, has merely enslaved herself.
48. Do you know that some wives are the cause of
their husbands' poverty? Yes. Money is not easy to
save. Some women have an excessive interest in
clothing, eating, and wearing nice beads, that they
become restless when ever they see ten pounds in
the hands of their husbands. They keep on grum-
bling, comparing their lot with that of others.
Men by nature generally want to please and satisfy
the woman they love. So to please their unsatisfied
unhappy wives they have to form the habit of
spending as soon as they get. Such men can never
have enough money either for building, or starting
a new venture. They and their wives get into the
habit of eating fat dishes, -and dressing in velvet
and gold in order to vainly please the world and
when it is time for crises, they are unable to
afford money in fitting with their standard of food
and dress. A good wife takes delight in seeing
her husband save money and become a real big
man, for her o w n welfare and that of her
49. Is it wise for a girl to marry a man who
is not a- native of her own? Yes, provided there
is love. But the safest and wisest thing is for
a girl to marry a man from her town. This
encourages social outlook respect and stable marriage.
50. Why do some wives prefer to leave their
husbands, to live in the bar? The main cause
of it is pure ignorance and lack of a good home
.It is also due to a high sexual desire of a woman. The
men also have their, own share of the blame. Women
by nature do not desire bar life, but.get there out of
necessity of some sort. Once they are used to it they
feel too loose .and begin.,toenjoy it. To avoid this
tragedy, do not.marry a pure illiterate girl, give your
wife a good convent and religious training, and see
that she comes from a responsible family.
USEFUL ADVICE ON MARRIAGE
1. Do not go into marriage till you are employed. In
other words, be sure of a place from where you can
feed your wife and children. Your wife will not really
regard and love you, if she sees that you are not.a
man, by marrying when you really have no job. Again
you will suffer very much and regret the marriage.
2.. Do not regard marriage as a bed of roses.
Women are difficult to manage, and so you will be
ready to face this, and not to think you are going into
paradise, by being married.
3. Marriage is a good thing because it fills up your
house, and makes you a big man by having a whole
human being in your house, who is your wife.
4. .Do not think your wife an angel. Expect her weak
points and be ready to face them, otherwise do not
marry at all.
5. Do not think that you can win and reform your
wife by beating her. Wocn do not really fear beating.
Coridct the errors of your wife by treating the fool
according to his jolly ".
6. Do not fall out with your inlaws inorder to avoid
your wife deserting you at any time.
7. If possible marry a girl who has passed at least
standard six, for education helps to teach your wife
her responsibilities as a wife.
8. Marry certificated teachers because they are per-
sonally developed, give you a local importance, and
help you to swell up your monthly earnings, but be-
ware, because they have independent minds, and will
not easily give way when you want to assert your self,
according to African way of life.
9. Beware of marrying a girl above 21, if you want
to be sure of getting a child easily.
10. Do not, if you can, marry from another town so
as to be sure of your wife.
11. Do not marry a wife who was once a bar girl,
because she can become such again at any time.
12. Check your wife from time to time because wo-
men easily assume importance and forget what they
13. Do not give your daughter in marriage because of
money, for by such, you merely sell her by your cruel
14. Do not allow your wife to befriend bad women
because they can easily polute her good manners.
15. Train your daughter well and be sure she can earn
her living before giving her to a husband.
16. Do not form the habit of defending your married
daughter against her husband, because women lack
logic of life.
17. Do not isolate your children but talk with them
and eat and drink with them,
18. Feed your wife well when under state so that you
will have intelligent children.
19. Take most care of your children from infancy if
you want them to be dutiful, sensible and intelligent.
20 Try to get a home in your town for your children
for this is the most vital you can do for them against
21. Remember that.you will educate your children,
so beware how.you spend your income.
22. Do not allow your daughter to live a loose life,
but have a definite programme of work for her to do
in the house.
23. Go to church regularly and say morning and
night prayers with your family to help your children to
develop -as good christians.
24. Try to be ambitious by deviating a little from
your normal routine in order to raise money for the
happiness of your family.
25. Do not prolong your marriage but see that you
marry when girls still value your person.
26. Examine yourself before you marry. Do not se-
lect a wife because she walks elegantly in the street.
27. Highly educated girls are not good for intolerant
28. Girls, try to marry at the age of 20 years. For at
this time you can ransom a king.
29. Try your best to be faithful to your husband after
marriage, for this is the best expected of you.
30. Girls, do not desire an educational certificate so
as to assert yourselves unduly when you marry. Your
certificate will then be a curse to you, and to your
31. Try to understand your husband and do not run
away when he is usefully asserting his manhood.
32. Keep your husband's.house clean, be clean your-
self and look after your house well, giving food in
time to your husband for this is one of the best he
expects from you.
33, Marriage is a trial, so be ready to eat its sweet
and bad apples.
34. Allow your husband to save money for a higher
project which is for your benefit, and that of your
35. Do not be troublesome in the house, if you want
your husband to have time to think, and improve
himself for your welfare.
36. Do not be foppish for once you are so, your
desire for clothes will never end.
37. Do not allow your father to enslave you by pro-
longing your marriage so as to earn money for him
38. Beware of your fellow bad wives for a revolution
of character will be your lot, if you listen to them and
follow their ways.
39. Do not copy all you see on the way regardless
of the custom and local laws of your townspeople.
40. Do not begin to fall into evil because you sus-
pect your husband, for both his condition and yours
will be worsened by so doing.
41. Do not be a lazy house wife but work from mor-
ning till night if you want to avoid evil and be happy.
42. Be a good woman, and regard your husband, his
parents and people.
"Marriage is the strange house of this world:
Those in it are trying to get our,
And those outside it are trying to go in."
THE NIGERIAN FARMER.
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