Faculty Meeting Page 1
Cast: Dean Fenn; Dean Mautz, Prof. TeSelle; Dr. Day; Dr. Miller;
Mr. Yonge, Mr. Glicksberg, Mr. Jones, Mr. Dighton
Fenn x' x Glicksberg
SX X X X
(TeSelle and Day are seated at the table as indicated when the scene opens)
Narrator; Ladies and Gentlemen, and particularly you Alumni of the Florida Law
School, we have what promises to be a real revelation this morning. Every
few days, Dean Fenn calls a meeting of the faculty. We have a very fine
faculty, you know. There are some who go so far as to say that we have on
our faculty the greatest collection of legal minds in southeastern Alachua
County The students wonder what goes on at these meetings, and no doubt
you were curious too when you were here. This morning we will look in on a
faculty meeting being held the week before homecoming. As we look in, we
see that only two of the faculty have arrived, Professors Day and TeSelle.
Let's listen to what they are saying.
WOOPS -- it seems that Professors Day and TeSelle are asleep.
(Glicksberg, Dighton and Jones came rushing in and take seats at far end of table,
waking Day and TeSelle. They greet Day and TeSelle, who look at them and do not
return the greeting.)
Narrator: We see that Professors Glicksberg, Dighton and Jones have arrived.
They are the youngest faculty members and they don't dare be late. As the
young members of the faculty, their opinions are usually not much sought
after, and the older faculty members seem to treat them with some disdain,
not engaging in social intercourse with them. Well, here comes more of the
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(Mautz, Yonge, killer enter. All speak to Day and TeSelle who return the greeting.
Glicksberg, Dighton and Jones also speak, but are answered with cold stares.)
(P.K.Y. is wearing a huge Blue Key, Miller is carrying a large bag of some sort,
and Mautz is wearing a very large, and obscenely loud necktie.)
Narrator: We now see that as usual Mr. P. K. Yonge is wearing his Blue Key and
Dean Mautz is wearing one of his more conservative neckties, but we don't
know what Dr. George John Miller has in his bag, though we have o ften
wondered. Most of them seem to be here now, with the exception of our Yale-
educated Dean, Henry Anderson Fenn. Let's listen.
Day: Dean Mautz, I have been on this faculty for 32 years, but I still can't
understand how you became Assistant Dean at so early an age and with so
little teaching experience. Tell me how you did it.
(Other faculty members sing one line of "Boola, Boola")
Yonge: Where are the rest of the faculty, Mr. TeSelle?
TeSelle: Why, Mr. Yonge, they are down in the office picking up their checks
from the University of Miami Law School.
Yonge: Checks from Miami Law School. What do you mean?
TeSelle: Didn't you know we get $500 from Miami for each student we flunk out
and. send down there?
Yonge: Oh, so that's why you flunk half the class every semesterS
MKutz: Shh -- I think I hear Dean Fenn coming.
(Dean Fenn enters and takes his seat, which is elevated so that he is higher
than the others. He is wearing his cap and gown)
(When he takes his seat, Mautz removes a pitch pipe from his pocket and sounds a
note, then leads in the singing of "Boola, Boola", as the Dean smiles benignly)
Dean Fenn: It's quite warm in here. I think I'll take off my gown.
(He does so, revealing a white sweat shirt with YALE or a large block Y on the
front and back.)
Narrator: As many of you may know, Dean Fenn always records his meetings and
T he Faculty Meeting Page 3
classes. Usually Mr. Glicksberg operates the tape recorder, which is
typical of the important type of work assigned to the younger members of
Glicksberg: (cringing) Dean Fenn, Sir, I'm sorry -- I've forgotten the tape
(Dean and all faculty members glare at Glicksberg without speaking)
Mr. Day: Dean Fenn, why is Dighton wearing those glasses?
Fenn: I don't know -- Dighton, take off those glasses.
(Dighton does revealing two black eyes)
Fenn: The freshmen sure have a lot of spirit this year. --- Good morning,
-- gentlemen. Time for another faculty meeting, heh, heh, heh. We
haven't had one since day before yesterday. Sorry I'm late, but I had to
stop by the office and pick up my Miami flunk-out check. Now, the first
question of business is this, -- you gentlemen realize that next week is
Homecoming. Now what are we going to do about all of those damned politicians
that will be showing up? Have the students worked up the skits?
Mautw: Yes sir, they are all ready. There was only one we had trouble with,
Fenn: What was that:
Mautz: The students wanted to do a take-off on the Johns-Collins debate.
Fenn: You stopped it, didn't you?
Mautz: Yes sir.
Fenn: Thank God. We wouldn't want the University of Florida to make an enemy
of LeRoy Collins. Dr. George John Miller, at the last meeting of this
faculty you were appointed chairman of a committee to handle orientation of
Law School freshmen. It was your committee's job to see that freshmen were
well briefed. Did you tell them everything?
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Miller: Hell no. If we told them everything, we wouldn't have any freshmen'
left. But we do have a report. My committee, which consists of Professors
Maloney, Delony and Boloney, as well as myself, are waiting outside and
we wish to present our report in song.
Fenn: Very well. I'm sure it will make as much sense that way as it would
any other way.
Miller: Let me get the music. It's right here in my brief case.
(Miller begins hauling out bottles. First he takes out several regular liquor
bottles, then takes out large bottle)
Glicksberg: May I help you, Dr. Miller, Sir?
(All glare at Glicksberg without a word Miller continues removing bottles,
finally finds music, goes to microphone, calling out -)
Miller: Come in Professors Maloney, Delony and Boloney.
(They enter and with Miller take places at Narrator's microphone and sing committee
report, afterwhioh M D and B retire)
Fenn: (Remark about report) -- The next item of business concerns an applica-
tion for admission to the Law School. The question is whether we should
admit another Florida State University graduate. (Muttering among faculty).
Now don't make a hasty judgment. Let me tell you about this applicant.
Now, this young lady -- (more groaning and muttering from faculty) -- Now
wait a minute -- this young lady is one of Florida State University's most
outstanding graduates. She is a Phi Beta Kappa and has a Ph.D. from Florida
State University. Let me introduce her. Come in, Miss _
(Miss enters in grotesque costume and smiles and nods at faculty,
then walks off.)
Fenn: All right now, all in favor of admitting this applicant raise their
(Glicksberg and Jones raise their hands. Faculty glares at them and they hurriedly
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Fenn: The vote seems to be unanimous. Now to the last item of business.
There has been a gap in our curriculum. Daily, we receive requests from all
corners of this state that courses be offered in one of the great fields of
the law which we have left untouched. Many of our citizens -- perhaps most
of them -- need advice on this important part of the law, and I intend to
do something about it. Gentlemen, I propose to appoint a Professor of
Adultery. Fortunately, I have found an outstanding authority on the field of
adultery, a graduate of the University of Miami. (grumbling from faculty).
Now, let's not be emotional. Let's consider this calmly and reasonably. Now
for discussion. Professor Clarence J. TeSelle, you are one of the
senior members of this faculty. What do you think of this proposal?
TeSelle: I have been on this faculty for 26 years. I am, as everyone knows, an
even-tempered man -- I'm always mad. This appointment will never do. We
will absolutely not have a University of Miami graduate on this faculty as
Professor of Adultery or in any other field -- so I say -- keep your shirt
on and your bazzoo shut and let no dog barkl
(Others nod and express agreement with TeSelle)
Fenn: Well, the majority vote will rule, but let me introduce this Miami
graduate who is a great authority on adultery. Come in Miss _
(When Dean says "kiss" ---, there is more muttering from faculty -- "Miss"---
enters aid is ravishing in a slinky black dress. She walks with a graceful,.
swaying motion -- faculty begins to smile and nod and nudge each other)
Miss---: Hello boys. Anyone want to sign up for my course?
(All raise hands. Rest of faculty glare at Glicksberg, Dighton and Jones who
slowly lower hands -- finally, all lower hands except P. K. Yonge).
Fenn: Professor P. K. Yonge, did you want to say something?
Yonge: No Sir, I was just going to scratch my head. (scratches left side of
head with right hand).
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TeSelle: Dean Fenn, I wish to amend a remark I made earlier. A few minutes ago
I ended my comments with the phrase "let no dog bark." I now say, bow, bow,
wow. (noise like dog.)
(Faculty mills around new teacher)
Narrator: Obviously, this faculty meeting is over -- these learned professors
are not thinking of law unless it be that field of law which the new
Miami graduate is going to teach.