I'VE HAD LEGAL TRAINING
(Tunet Iy Mother was a Lady)
1. Two old distinguished lawyers
Went to a bar one day*
They ordered two Martinis
in their raffish legal way*
When the drinks were set before them
There were no olives there.
One Advocate was so incensed
He started into swear*
2. The bartender paid them no heed,
Tho he was ill at ease,
Till one remark alluded to
A loathsome vile disease
Then facing his tormenter
With great judicial grace
He told them this sad story,
That put them in their place*
30 The cocktail lounge was quiet,
There were tears in many eyes.
Each man with legal training
Was touched--by that reply.
They sat in solemn silence,
Until one cried in shame
"Forgive me, sir, for my insulted
Pray tell me what's your name?"
4. He told him and the lawyer cried:
"Why you were in my class
You edited the Law Review
and helped us all to pass.
If you'll come into my office
Ill set you on your way,
For I have but admiration
for a man who'll stand and say--
Oh Itve had legal training
Perhaps you've had the same.
So you had best consider
Before you soil my name.
This wretch you see before you
Was once a legal star.
But I had one fatal weakness:
I could never pass a barl
THE CAMPAIGNER RETIRED?
I'm sure that most of you remember our very popular character from last
fall's homecoming skit, The Campaigner, as ppftrayed by Garlon Davis. Last
year the Campaigner was dragged off to Chattahoochee, during a campaign
speech in his race for governor, but he is out now and forty years have
elapsed. The Campaigner, after a short stay at the Mental hospital, was
discharged. He then was fully qualified as a Florida politician, was
elected governor, and then Senator. The Campaigner served in the Senate
for many years and he has just retired, by which I mean he was beaten.
This is the eventual fate of all who hold public office except Nathan Mayo
and R. A. Gray.
As the Campaigner enters, attending his 63rd Homecoming, we see a group of
young politicians making deals and discussing their chances. Will they be
interested in learning some lessons in politics from this veteran? We'll
see, as JMBA takes great pride in again presenting Garlon Davis in the
character he created --- the Campaigner, in the Campaigner retired.
(Campaigner enters group, crossing front stage slowly trying to get into
the various conversations* However, he is given only a glance and nod by
most, occasionally a hand shake, but no real welcome by anyone.)
A, By and C, part of group.
A. Who's that?
Be That's old Davise
C. You mean Old Senator Davis?
B. Yes, but hets Out and will soon be forgotten. We don't have to worry
(A, B, and C retire into crowd, Davis goes to mike).
Davis: What's the matter? What have I done? I've given my life to the
service of my state and country and now these boys don't even seem to want
to spedc to me, But I suppose that this is what happens to us when We've
given all we have. Sometimes the people just don't seem to remember and
I can't understand it cause I have known these boys for years, Yes sir, I
can't understand it. Why I have known old Fuller for years. Why shucks,
I have known old Fuller ever since he was single* And it is too bad about
Fuller retiring from politics and entering the ministry ---. I guess that's
what he is doing cause I read in the paper the other day that he says he
had gotten the call. And take old Brother Caldwell, you know how unreserved
he is I have known him since, shucks I have known him since all he owned was
three scrub oak cows and one bull; but as Brother Caldwell says he sure was
lucky in having such a productive Bulle And I say's "How did we get back
And I have known old Claude for years why I remember old Claude's first
murder trial down in Taylor County. By the way, Claude, I sure did hate to
hear about the old boy dying of a heart attack yesterday. And I remember
when old Claude was working for Cauldwell, I just can't understand it, them
cutting me like this
Take old George, shucks I have known old George since he was working
for old Claude -- course I have got to admit that he has done pretty good
since he went in business for himself*
Take Leroy, why I have known Leroy for years, Why I knew old Leroy
when he thought that the state of Fla* was one political unity
Why shucks, take old Spessard I have known him for years* I remember
the time he almost got fired from his job back there in that soveriegn
state of Ga. for riding a motorcycle. And old Charlie, why I knew him
when he thought that R R was going to take him right into the Governoss
Why I've known old Harry Westberry from over there in Jacksonville.
Why, I knew old Harry down there in Taylor County when he was working for
$13. a week. Course now he's come up in the world and went over there to
Jacksonville and became a tool of management* (Out of Character) Harry,
you never did expect to see me sitting up here and you sitting up there in
Tallahassee, did you?
Why I knew old S. D. Clark from Jefferson County when he was young
enough to go out and solicit votes in Liberty County, (of course that was
before he uttered those famous words "Give me Liberty and give me Death".)
And old Shands from here in Gainesville. I've known old Brother
Shands from way back when he thought all signs pointed toward the governor's
And therets old Bob Sikes* I remember him when he thought there was
no other town but Crestview in the state of Florida, but I understand he
was seen looking over the blueprints of that new house they're building
Why I've known old Dante Fascell for years -- ever since he was a
freshman up there in Congress.
I knew old Charlie Bennet way before he found out his name rhymed
Herlong & other south Fla. Representatives* (Add later)
I just can't understand it. I just can't really understand it. Maybe
it's just that I'm old and tired. Well, it won't happen again. I thought
I could help these boys, but they don't want me; and I'm never coming to
another Homecoming, and I'm thru with politics.
Excuse me sir, aren't you Sen. Davis?
D. (perking up) Why yes, son.
Senator, I think it was a'terrible thing that you lost the last
election. But tell me Senator, is there any truth to the rumor that yous
are getting out of politics?
D. "What scroungy Republican Communist started such a rumor as that,
son?" Of course I am not getting out of politics, and I'm dedicating my
life to the training of the young statesmen of this Grand and Glcrious
Soverign state of Florida, and to the building up of my control in that
lily white virgin the Democratic party.
YP Senator Davis, what-do you think is the most important attribute a
statesman can have?
C. Why son, a statesman must have ALL attributes: honesty, integrity,
reliability, flexibility, patience, consideration, personality and
a delicate sense of balance, but above all you have to be able to
communicate. Otherwise all other virtues are to no avail* You not
only have to be great, son, you have to be able to convince the
voters of it.
YP Well, I can speak, if that's what you --
C Son, speaking ain't enough. You've got to learn the great art of
oration. You have to follow in the footsteps of the great orators
like Lincoln, Douglass, Leroy Collins, Fuller Warren and Charlie Johns.
YP What's the secret to being a great orator, Senator Davis?
C Words young man, words that stir the hearts of men, spur them to do
greater things, pierce their souls, warm their hearts, and ease
their consciences. Key phrases, son, burn upon their hearts your
name and cause*
YP Do you have 4 large collection of key phrases, senator?
C Indeed, yess A veritable mine of new high-sounding phrases in
addition to the tried and true platitudes of yesteryear.
YP You mean there is such a thing as a new cliche?
C They come off the assembly line fast these days. Politics, with the
help of radio and TV, can tape a fine, fresh phrase and make a
cliche of it in a month just as the juke boxes can take a catchy
tune and make a cliche of it in the same length of time.
YP Who are your sources this year?
C Well, frankly, Ilm disappointed in the 23 candidates for the senate,
but the party wheel horses and the stump speakers have not failed
me. Governor Warren, for instance, has been a tower of strength. You
should hear him on the burning issues of the day. By the way, do
you know how the Governor has attained his present eminence as a master
of the oratory cliche?
YP No, I do not.
C He used to go down to the shores of the Apalachicola River all alone
early in the morning and orate to the waves with a handful of cliches
in his mouth. Well guesss what kind of disclosures I plan to make
in my speech in Gulf County next week?
YP What kind?
C Mounting disclosures of graft and corruption.
C In high places you know, of course, what my favorite brand of faith
YP No -- What?
C An abiding faith in the destiny of our g-reat democracy.
YP Do you prefer indifference to callousness?
C Yes, and my national debts astronomical, my corruption shameful, my
courage invincible, my violations flagrant, and my appeals ringing
Guess how I prefer my materialism
Yp How, gross?
C No C R A S but you were warm*
YP Your abuse is reckless, I suppose.
C No* The other side's abuse is reckless* I do not indulge in personali-
ties* I confine myself to solemn obligations, political expediency,
disloyal elements, supreme goals, historic roles, honest toil, headlong
plunges, glowing words, empty phrases, giant strides, sordid business,
secret understandings, eternal vigilance, staggering costs, paramount
issues, valiant sons, painful necessities, governmental folly, and the
great land of the SOUTH*
YP Addressing what kinds of audiences?
C Unseen audiences*
C From Pensacola to Key West*
YP How is your Honor?
C Sacred, how's yours?
YP How do you examine your problems?
C From the viewpoint of enlightened self-interest.
YP Whom are you going to call upon in your speeches?
C Americans in every walk of life irrespective of party.
YP And where do you speak from?
C I speak from the heart when I say to you that Itm a man unafraid, a
man in whom there is no guile, who is equal to any task, whose name is
a household word, who has worked untiringly, who is outstanding, who hPs
embarked on a careers who has not failed his State, who is a consistentJ
advocate of, who has answered the call, and who will resist every att(
YP Why will you resist every attempt to encroach?
C Because I have pushed aside personal ambition and because I stand for
honesty in government and sound business principles. I am a man in whom
the people take pride*
YP What for?
C For the enemies I have made*
YP Has the finger of suspicion ever pointed at youl
C Never I have fought the good fight*
C Because Itm a fighting liberal*
YF How does a fighting liberal fight the good fight?
YP What kind of opportunity do you favor?
C Equal opportunity for all, without regard of race, creed or color. I
also favor ruraleleotrification, workmen's compensation, better highw~s,
more pay for teachers, old age pensions, flood control and immediate
statehood for Alaska and Hawaii*
YP Where did you learn to favor all these enlightened causes?
C At my mothers knee*
YP How long have you never wavered for?
C Never for an instance.
YP In what?
In the devotion to the public welfare#
I take it that you are clad in the armor of the man who has never waver
for an instante-
You mean the armor of a righteous cause? oh yes6
How do you stand?
On my own two feet.
Can you grasp a nettle?
Fearlessly. To face facts or grim reality. I will get us out of the
morass, My deeds will be writ large; my words will be engraved&
On the hearts of my countrymen.
Therefore, you as a stump speaker do what?
Therefore, my friends, I take great pleasure. It is my firm belief,
I can unhesitatingly say and I need not remind you yet I cannot agree.
Whom can't you agree with*
I cannot agree with those who yet there are those who I defy theme
How do you speak when you defy those who?
I speak not as a Republican nor a Democrat, I speak as an American*
If you were speaking to your supporters, how would you sar who your
Entrenched in power. They're in the driver's seat.
What kind of fixes are they partial to?
What kind of leadership have they furnished?
A bungling leadership, also bankrupt and inepts
What kind would your party provide?
A vigorous sound, courageous, world and glorious leadership*
YP What kind of opportunists are your opponents?
C Selfish opportunists
YP What have they trampled on?
C Our God given libertie8e Wheh they are not trampling on them, they are
whittling them away. They have besmirched -
YP What have your opponents done?
C They have betrayed the youth and packed the courts* They have not and
they will not; they will not and they cannot. They do not and they
YP What do you mean by all that beating around the bush? Why can'tyou just
say they have not or they did not or they dare not and let it go at
C What and lose my standing as an oratorial experts
YP fWhat are you going to discuss on the stump?
C At some time or another I shall touch upon the following: warnings of
disaster, necessities of life, the value of the dollar, the crucible
of experience, the hopes of mankind, the fabric of world peace, the
challenge of leadership, the blight of inflation, the survival of free-
dom, the menace of communism, the hour of decision, the spoils of office,
the price of national security, the cornerstone of freedom, the terms of
purchasing power, the brotherhood of man, the rights of the people and
the smoke of battle.
YP What are your opponents doing now?
C They are those who fatten at the public trough those who clutter up
YP In what?
C In a mire of waste, inefficiency and corruption.
YP What else have your opponents done?
C They have destroyed, ignored and sowed, in the order name our State
unity, the lessons of history and the seeds of suspicion, distrust and
hatred. Over confidence*
YP What about that?
C That's what beat Alto Adams in '52. We must avoid it this time.
YP Oh I see how about name some of the more dastardly things your
opponents have done?
C Well let's see they stifled initiative they exploited and confused
-- they suffered agencies (Key) -- to be infiltrated by travellers --
(fellow) who followed philosophies (alien) and ideologies -
YP What have they promised?
C Heaven and earth.
YP What have they shirked?
C Their solemn responsibilities*
YP How have they surrendered?
C Ignominiously. They have suppressed ruthlessly.
YP What have they ignored?
C The will of the people.
YP In campaign oratory what stands out?
C One fact and one fact alone. Our children and our children's children.
YP Tell me about theme
C They must have been a crushing burden on taxation.
C Because our opponents have mortgaged the future. We shall ever be
YP Of what?
C Oh anything I have to day that every so often. Just as I have to
say "it must be admitted".
YP Must it be admitted?
C Of course not, but a campaign orator has to make the voters think it
YP What will your side do if it wins?
C Why we'll --- chart a course. We'll implant the principles. We'll
rally the forces of -- we'll close the ranks against the common foe.
YP And what will you restore to youth?
C It's rightful heritage. We'll defend the bastions, keep the faith, re-
duce the taxes, balance the budget, solve the problems, recapture the
YP May I interrupt to ask just how you and your supporters propose to hold
the torch of liberty?
C Aloft of course.
YP Odd, that's just how the orators of the opposition swear they will hold it.
C They're not going to hold it aloft on the RAMPARTS OF FREEDOM are they?
YP I understand that's just what they plan to do.
C Why the damned copycats they can't do that to us, but we'll fix
them. We'll wipe out corruption, meet the problems, head on, take a
forthright stand, emerge from the wilderness, frustrate the enemy,
put aside our differences, dedicate ourselves to the task, restore
YP It will be a Utopia when your party accomplishes all that.
C We'll do more than that. We'll combat the ever growing threat of in-
flation, build a sure and sound foundation, oust the crooks (formally
know as "turn the rascals out") give the lie to, stem the tide, stand
on our platform, answer the call and cherish the hope.
You'll really do all that?
Yes -- and fdr good measure we'll proudly assert.
Because we haVe a rendezvous with destiny.
How do you stand?
Squarely on our record. Gone are the days.
The days of soup kitchens, apple peddlers and bonns marches.
Where was the sheriff in those days?
At the door.
And what did the country bear?
The scars of the depression.
Who caused the scars?
The money-changers of Wall Street, or forces of reaction.
The Oil Tycoons, the Old Guard, the Lords of the Press, Big Business,
the Ohio Gang and the damned Republicans.
Did they enchain organized labor and strip the farmer of his gains?
They did. Only, don't say "organized labor" say "the toiler".
They robbed the toiler of the fruits of his labor.
Where did they throw him after they robbed him?
On the economic scrap heap.
What kind of business did the forces of reaction crush?
What did the forces yearn for.
They yearn for the return of the horse-and-buggy era, or the days of
Hoover, or of the 80th Congress. They would turn back the clock and
undo the work.
YP What do they breathe?
O Hate and venom. They moan and bewail.
YP What does that make them?
C Profits of Doom.
YP Where do they place property rights?
0 Above loyalty to their country.
YP What isms are they partial to?
C McCarthyism, and isolationism.
YP In contrast, what do your supporters have?
C The best intere of the people at heart. When I was in office the country
was never so prosperous.
YP Well you have heard what your opponents will do if elected what
will you do if elected?
C We'll do everything they say they would do and in addition well
strengthen the fabric, espouse the policies, achieve the goal, launch
a crusade, forge issues, meet the challenge, give testimony to our
faith, proclaim the greatness of, keep pace with the needs, follow in
the footsteps of, suppose for a moment, consider it an honor, clinch
the election and continue in office.
YP Where will you clinch the election?
C In the battle of ballots goodby for now.
YP Where are you going?
C I'm going out to march shoulder to shoulder to victory at the polls
PULL OUT ESTOPPEL AND C-O-N-T-R-A-C-T
(Tune: Smile and M-O-T-H-E-R
Pull out estoppel from your old brief case and
Smile, Smile, Smile.
Put old Sam Williston in his place
Smile boys, that's the style
Forget consideration, it never was worthwhile
Just pull out estoppell from your old brief case and
Smile, Smile, Smile.
C is for past consideration
0 is for the offer that he made
N is for the long negotiation
T is for the custom of the trade
R is for the rule of restitution
A is for acceptance on the spot
C is for commercial institutions
T is for the things that I forgot
Put them all together they spell something
Something that has long eluded me.
But Im sure that I remember one thing
That saves the contractor and contracted. ..
(Repeat Pull out Estoppel)
TWO OLD GRADS
Two men were fraternity brothers (social) (legal), lived together, and
ate together. Upon graduation swore undying friendship to each other.
Promise to write each other etc. They have been out of school for 10
years and have neither heard nor seen each other since.
Grads enter from right and left, walking slowly. Pass each other at mid-
stage, slightly intoxicated. They nod at each other as they meet but
without recognition. After a few steps, both stop, turn slowly, as if
wondering if they have ever met each other.
Finally after a pause:
D. -- Weren't you in the class of '56?
Yes, were you?
D. -- Yes -- and I recognize you you're old Sam Jones.
-- No, I'm Dick Goldstein, but I know you, you're old Ralph Murphy.
D. -- No, I'm Dick Jones.
(General patting on back etc.)
D. -- Just this morning I was talking to the Dean of the Yale Law School.
-- Dean of the Yale Law School Is he here where is he?
D. -- (Points to Fenn) sitting right there.
Why, that's not the Dean of the YLS that's HAF, Dean of the Florida
TWO OLD GRADS
D. -- Yes, but he ean dream, can't he? He can dream.
-- What firm are you with now?
D. -- Why I'm with one of the most outstanding law firms in the state and
the reason it's outstanding is that my employers, the senior partners, ari.
men who have been together for many years, have always been close friends
and have implicit faith in each other.
-- What firm is that?
D. Smathers & Pepper.
-- Smathers & PepperI I always thought they were bitter political
D. -- Well, they were at one time, but as George always says, to quote
that Maxim of the War between the States, "If you can't lick 'em, join
'em." --But what are you doing?
-- I'm with another of this great states outstanding firms.
D. -- And that is?
-- Collins & Johns
D. -- Collins & JohnsHll That firm must do very well.
-- It does.
D. -- No wonder, when one is in the governor's Mansion protecting the
states' money, the other practices law. What sort of work does your firm
TWO OLD GRADS
Oh, we only handle work for the State.
D. What a coincidence. But Charley Johns isn't a lawyer.
-- You don't have to be a lawyer to handle the States legal business.
D. Tell me, are you a partner in the firm?
Well, not exactly.
D. -- A Junior partner?
-- Well, not exactly.
D. -- An associate, then?
-- Well, not exactly.
D. -- Well, do you do research in the office?
-- Well, not exactly.
D. -- Just what are your duties?
-- I used to be a junior partner, but now I just come in at night with
a broom, mop, and pail and clean up the office.
D. -- My God! You're a Phi Beta Kappa, Order of the Coif, Florida Blue
Key, a high honor graduate, a member of "Stretch" Fennts Legal Ethics
Class, and when you were a student, you were voted most likely to succeed
by the girls in the laboratory of the Marriage & the Family Course --
You with all these qualifications have been demoted to janitor of the firm
of Collins & Johns. There can be only one reason.
TWO OLD GRADS
D. You backed Braily Odham.
-- Tell me something about your firm? Why is it that the firm is called
"Smathers & Pepper" rather than Pepper & Smathers?
D. Well, George is several years older than Claude.
-- Are you a partner in the firm?
D. No, but I almost was.
-- What do you meant
D. -- They were about to make me a partner, when I did something that
offended both of them.
-- Now wait a minute. Claude Pepper & Geo. Smathers are so far apart
that there is nothing in the world that could possibly offend both of them.
D. There is just one thing in the world that I could do that would
offend both of these men and I did it.
What was that?
D. -- I told them I was running for the Senate, too.
INTRODUCTION GARLON DAVIS
A HOMEMADE WILL
TO BE GIVEN BY RALPH MABIE, PRESIDENT SENIOR CLASS.
(The Last Will and Testament of Herman Oberweiss, as offered for probate
at the June, 1934, term, County Court of Anderson County, Texas* --Ed.)
I am writing of my will mineself that des lawyir want he should
have to much money he ask to many answers about the family. First thinri
i don't want my brother Oscar to get a god dam thing i got he is a mumser
and he done me out of four dollars fourteen years since.
I want it that Hilda my sister she gets the north sixtie akers of at
where i am homing at now i bet she don't get that loafer husband of hers
to brake twenty akers next plowing, She cant have it if she lets Oscar
live on it i want i should have it back if she does.
Tell mama that six hundret dollars she has been looking for ten
years is berried from the bakhouse behind about ten feet down. She better
let little Fredrick do the digging and count it when he comes up.
Pastor Ticknitis can have three hundret if he kisses the book he
wont preach no more dumhead talks about politics. He should a roof put
on the meeting house with and the elders should the bills look at.
Mama should the rest get but i want it so that Adolph should tell
her what not she should do so no more slick irishers sell her vaken
cleaner they noise like hell and a broom don't cost so much.
I want it that mine brother Adolph be my executer and i want it
that the judge should please make Adolph plenty bond put up and watch
him like hell. Adolph is a good biUness man but only a dumpph would
trust him with a busted pfennig.
I want dam sure the schlaimial Oscar don't nothing get. Tell Adolph
he can have a hundret dollars if he prove judge Oscar don't nothing get
that dam sure fix Oscarn
(Signed) Herman Oberweiss
OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL QUESTION
(Tune Oh What a Beautiful Morning)
Oh what a beautiful question,
Oh what a beautiful trap.
I've got a sneaking suspicion
Somebody thinks I'm a sap*
There is madness in this fellow's method*
There is madness in this fellows method.
If it's "yes" I reply,
Then he gives me the eye;
If I give him a "noj"
Then he gives me a"why?"
Oh what a poignant professor,
Oh how persistent a leach.
Why do the best men go practice
And leave men like this here to teach?
And leave men like this here to teach?
DAVISt General introduction to The Great Compromises
Announcers Good morning ladies and gentlemen. As you know the batter
of reapportionment has been going on for years, but today we have good
news. The Florida Television Network is proud to announce that the battle
is over. There has finally been a compromise. And for that compromise,
we welcome you now to the meeting at the summit -- Mt. Dora, But first
This morning we have with us some of Florida's most outstanding
statesmen. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you at this time;
representing South Florida, or should I say the state of Florida, Sen.
R. B ______ / ; and representing
North Florida, or should we say the state of Florida, since a truce has
been reached, Sen. Dill Clark, Dewey Johnson, W. A, Shands, Rep. Westberry.
Davidt Itts a pleasure to be here and we are certainly glad to get
together once again with our brethern from North Florida; and even though
we have been fighting a long time, I was sure we could reach this com-
promise. We of South Florida would like you to know we have no ill will
for our friends all over the state even though there were bitter words
Sen. Clarks We of North Florida would like you to know we have no ill
will for our friends all over the state even though there were bitter
(Much patting on back of all representatives and general high spirits)
Announcers And now for the great moment we have all been waiting for.
Gentlemen, will you each show us your last and final compromise?
(Unveiling of charts reveals two maps of state*. So Floridats map shows
87 senators for Dade and one for balance of state; North Florida's
map shows 87 senators for N. TJW section and one for balance of State)
Bar Blisters sing f*Reapportionment Parody".